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<HTML>
<HEAD>
<TITLE>Chicago Reader Review-O-Mat</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript">
function makeRand(howMany)
{
theResult = Math.floor((Math.random()*howMany)%howMany)
return theResult
}
function getWrd(theReview,theWord)
{
var randWrd = new Array()
if (theReview == 0) {
// words for Most Hollywood Movies review
//
//"An (word1) (word2) -- the best argument yet for the abolition of the star system.
// Filled with (word3), it's no more than a ninety-minute advertisement for
// the inevitable (word4). The subtext is alarmingly and (word7)
// (word5) and it's directed the way a cop directs traffic. I left (word6)"
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "inflated"
randWrd[1] = "elephantine"
randWrd[2] = "offensive"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "feature"
randWrd[1] = "failure"
randWrd[2] = "piece of total mush"
randWrd[3] = "stinker"
randWrd[4] = "pile of sentimental goo"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "soggy caricatures"
randWrd[1] = "strident obviousness"
randWrd[2] = "manufactured emotions"
randWrd[3] = "shameless mugging"
randWrd[4] = "insincere sentimentality"
randWrd[5] = "unintentional camp"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "movie tie-ins"
randWrd[1] = "sequel"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "sexist"
randWrd[1] = "fascist"
randWrd[2] = "misanthropic"
randWrd[3] = "anti-humanistic"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "halfway through."
randWrd[1] = "feeling rotten."
randWrd[2] = "cursing the influence of Quentin Tarantino."
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 7) {
randWrd[0] = "crudely "
randWrd[1] = "violently "
randWrd[2] = "smirkingly "
randWrd[3] = "exceptionally sick where it's not "
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 1) {
// words for 1 outa 6 Hollywood Movies review
//
//"I expected to hate this piece of (word5) Hollywood hokum, but found it
// (word1). Obvious and (word2), it's nonetheless (word3), and it
// kept me (word4) entertained."
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "surprisingly effective"
randWrd[1] = "reasonably flavorsome"
randWrd[2] = "not devoid of interest"
randWrd[3] = "a campy hoot"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "frenetic"
randWrd[1] = "derivative"
randWrd[2] = "squalid"
randWrd[3] = "rambling"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "never dull"
randWrd[1] = "satisfying in broad terms"
randWrd[2] = "undeniably effective"
randWrd[3] = "cheerfully fast-paced"
randWrd[4] = "prepared to take emotional risks"
randWrd[5] = "pretty potent as well as scary"
randWrd[6] = "sexy, pictorial, and unfathomable"
randWrd[7] = "sometimes affecting"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "fairly"
randWrd[1] = "mostly"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "typical"
randWrd[1] = "lurid"
randWrd[2] = "silly"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 2) {
// words for First Feature by Indie review
//
// "The debut feature of an undeniable talent. It starts out
// (word1), and though the (word2) is (word3), it's still
// (word4), (word5), and sometimes hilarious -- (word6)"
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "lively"
randWrd[1] = "frenetic"
randWrd[2] = "densely imagined"
randWrd[3] = "promisingly irreverent",
randWrd[4] = "better than average"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "cinematography"
randWrd[1] = "script"
randWrd[2] = "acting"
randWrd[3] = "animation"
randWrd[4] = "mise en scene"
randWrd[5] = "narrative rhythm"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "spotty"
randWrd[1] = "ultimately unsatisfying"
randWrd[2] = "noted mostly by its absence"
randWrd[3] = "mostly pilfered from other directors"
randWrd[4] = "self-consciously overdefined"
randWrd[5] = "choppy in spots"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "rich"
randWrd[1] = "stirring"
randWrd[2] = "subversive"
randWrd[3] = "agreeable"
randWrd[4] = "deft"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "poetic"
randWrd[1] = "quirky"
randWrd[2] = "tender"
randWrd[3] = "seductive"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "more like a European movie than an American one."
randWrd[1] = "ten times more worthwhile than the usual Hollywood fluff."
randWrd[2] = "you should see this."
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 3) {
// words for Subsequent Feature by Indie review
//
// "The (theWord1) results of wasting money on a formerly
// promising filmic voice -- technically adroit but (word2).
// The acting is as (word3) as the narrative is (word4)"
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "sad"
randWrd[1] = "ugly"
randWrd[2] = "repulsive"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "aesthetically offensive"
randWrd[1] = "philosophically dubious"
randWrd[2] = "revealing unexpectedly creepy recesses of the director's mind"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "histrionic"
randWrd[1] = "intolerable"
randWrd[2] = "egregious"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "clumsy."
randWrd[1] = "incoherent."
randWrd[2] = "unfocussed."
randWrd[3] = "ruthlessly violent."
randWrd[4] = "downright interminable."
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 4) {
// words for Known Foreign Director review
//
// "A (word1) film, this picture, though never reaching the level of
// the director's earliest work, is (word2). The (word3) is predictably
// (word4) but the film is (word5). (word6) turns in a (word7) performance."
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "beautifully contrived"
randWrd[1] = "neglected"
randWrd[2] = "interesting and unexpected"
randWrd[3] = "minor but agreeable"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "not devoid of interest"
randWrd[1] = "a masterpiece of sorts"
randWrd[2] = "intoxicating without quite attaining beauty"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "filmmaking"
randWrd[1] = "cinematography"
randWrd[2] = "performance"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "punchy"
randWrd[1] = "breathtaking"
randWrd[2] = "masterful"
randWrd[3] = "abstract"
randWrd[4] = "voyeuristic"
randWrd[5] = "adept"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "overlong"
randWrd[1] = "pedestrian in spots"
randWrd[2] = "unfocussed"
randWrd[3] = "thoroughly cynical"
randWrd[4] = "ultimately somewhat monotonous"
randWrd[5] = "so nuanced you aren't likely to mind much"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "Gerard Depardieu"
randWrd[1] = "Catherine Deneuve"
randWrd[2] = "Kenneth Branagh"
randWrd[3] = "Chow Yun-Fat"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 7) {
randWrd[0] = "fitfully effective"
randWrd[1] = "energetic"
randWrd[2] = "galvanizing"
randWrd[3] = "embarrassing"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 5) {
// words for Unknown Foreign Director review
//
// "Probably the (word1) of the director's (word5) movies, none of which
// has been screened in this country -- beautiful but (word6),
// this movie's (word2) exploration of an existential dilemma is
// executed (word3). A (word4) from one of our greatest living filmmakers."
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "most accessible"
randWrd[1] = "least interesting"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "stunning"
randWrd[1] = "disturbing"
randWrd[2] = "stirring"
randWrd[3] = "powerful"
randWrd[4] = "masterful"
randWrd[5] = "audacious"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "by unknown non-actors"
randWrd[1] = "with panache"
randWrd[2] = "with craft and patience"
randWrd[3] = "without a breath of sentimentality"
randWrd[4] = "using only puppets"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "breakthrough feature"
randWrd[1] = "essential piece of filmmaking"
randWrd[2] = "masterpiece"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "six"
randWrd[1] = "seven"
randWrd[2] = "eight"
randWrd[3] = "twelve"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "difficult"
randWrd[1] = "intense"
randWrd[2] = "potent"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
}
function writeReview()
{
var selectedReview = document.formreview.whatkind.selectedIndex
if (selectedReview == 0) {
document.formreview.review.value = "An " + getWrd(0,1) + " " +
getWrd(0,2) + " -- the best argument yet for the abolition of the star system. Filled with " +
getWrd(0,3) + ", it's no more than a ninety-minute advertisement for the inevitable " +
getWrd(0,4) + ". The subtext is alarmingly and " +
getWrd(0,7) +
getWrd(0,5) + ", and it's directed the way a cop directs traffic. I left " +
getWrd(0,6)
}
if (selectedReview == 1){
document.formreview.review.value = "I expected to hate this piece of " +
getWrd(1,5) + " Hollywood hokum, but found it " +
getWrd(1,1) + ". Obvious and " +
getWrd(1,2) + ", it's nonetheless " +
getWrd(1,3) + ", and it kept me " +
getWrd(1,4) + " entertained."
}
if (selectedReview == 2){
document.formreview.review.value = "The debut feature of an undeniable talent. It starts out "+
getWrd(2,1) + ", and though the " +
getWrd(2,2) + " is " +
getWrd(2,3) + ", it's still " +
getWrd(2,4) + ", " +
getWrd(2,5) + ", and sometimes hilarious -- " +
getWrd(2,6)
}
if (selectedReview == 3){
document.formreview.review.value = "The "+
getWrd(3,1) + " results of wasting money on a formerly promising filmic voice -- technically adroit but " +
getWrd(3,2) + ". The acting is as " +
getWrd(3,3) + " as the narrative is " +
getWrd(3,4)
}
if (selectedReview == 4){
document.formreview.review.value = "A "+
getWrd(4,1) + " film, this picture, though never reaching the level of the director's earliest work, is " +
getWrd(4,2) + ". The " +
getWrd(4,3) + " is predictably " +
getWrd(4,4) + " but the film is " +
getWrd(4,5) + ". " +
getWrd(4,6) + " turns in a " +
getWrd(4,7) + " performance."
}
if (selectedReview == 5){
document.formreview.review.value = "Probably the "+
getWrd(5,1) + " of the director's " +
getWrd(5,5) + " movies, none of which has been screened in this country -- beautiful but " +
getWrd(5,6) + ", this movie's " +
getWrd(5,2) + " exploration of an existential dilemma is executed " +
getWrd(5,3) + ". A " +
getWrd(5,4) + " from one of our greatest living filmmakers."
}
}
</SCRIPT>
<BODY color="#FFFFFF">
<IMG Align=Top SRC="process.gif"><H3>The Chicago <i>Reader</i> Review-O-Mat</H3>
<i>Want to see what Jonathan Rosenbaum thinks of the latest flicks,
but don't have time to flip through all that newsprint?
You've come to the right place. Just pick a category
and press the button. Sniff, sneer, and
voilà! Instant Rosenbaum. Click again for another review.
<p>Written by Mark Rosenfelder
<br>JavaScripting by <a href="http://www.chrisandmaria.com/">Chris Vargas</a>.
</i>
<p><A HREF="readero.html">[ Non-Java version ]</A>
<hr>
<FORM action="" method="POST" name="formreview">
<P>Pick a genre: <SELECT NAME="whatkind">
<OPTION SELECTED>Most Hollywood movies
<OPTION>One out of six Hollywood movies
<OPTION>First feature by an independent
<OPTION>Second feature by an independent
<OPTION>Any foreign movie by a director you've heard of
<OPTION>Any foreign movie by a directory nobody's heard of
</SELECT></P>
<P><INPUT TYPE="button" NAME="doit" VALUE="Write Review" onClick="writeReview()"></P>
<P><TEXTAREA NAME="review" ROWS="10" COLS="60" WRAP="virtual"></TEXTAREA></P>
</FORM>
<P>Click again to for a whole new review!</P>
<hr>
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