|
Server : Apache/2.4.62 System : FreeBSD fbsdweb2.web.rcn.net 14.1-RELEASE FreeBSD 14.1-RELEASE releng/14.1-n267679-10e31f0946d8 GENERIC amd64 User : www ( 80) PHP Version : 8.3.8 Disable Function : NONE Directory : /domains/markrose/ |
Upload File : |
<html>
<head>
<title>The Zompist Interview: Not My Desk!</title>
<style>
cite
{color:blue;
font-style:normal;}
</style>
</head>
<body bgcolor="#FFFFCC">
<table width="100%"><tr>
<td width="10%">
<td>
<table><tr>
<td>
<img src="illo/tiestore.jpg" align="left">
<td rowspan=2>
<h2>The Zompist Interview: <b>Not My Desk</b>!</h2>
<i>Here at zompist.com, we like to do interviews. Not that we ever get the chance, except for the time we cornered <b>Chris Livingston</b>, the near-sociopathic monsignor of mirth behind
<a href="http://www.notmydesk.com">Not My Desk</a>,
with these alarming results.
</i>
<tr><td><center><b><i>Chris</i></b></center>
</table>
<hr>
<cite><b>Mark Rosenfelder:</b> Hello! We're here
on notmydesk, or perhaps somewhere else, talking with
Chris "Not" Mydesk, the proprietor of notmydesk.
Do you write all this material yourself, young man?
Even the
self-incriminating, embarrassing, and criminal bits?</cite>
<p><b>Chris Livingston:</b> Hi, Kent!
Boy it's great to be here. Yes, I re-write
everything myself... AFTER I STEAL IT!!! Oops.
Shoulda mumbled that part.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> You know, if you're as much as an utter klutz as
you depict yourself, why does anyone ever hire you?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Well, I generally don't advertise my klutziness,
and there's only two or three
references to it on my resume. And, although I am a
klutz, I should point out I've never knocked over a
rack of comic books, unlike some people who happen to
be
interviewing me at the moment.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> They weren't <i>good</i> comic books.
I think I speak for all of our readers when I
ask... that lady with the facial exercises... in any
of her pictures, can you see her nipples?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> You can only see maybe 5 nipples or so.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Heh, I guess we have something to look forward to!
Or downward to. Chris, what's your best score on
Minesweeper so far?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> You don't find it disturbing that she has five or
more nipples? Weird. Anyway, I've cleared the little
Minesweeper board on many occasions,
winning the coveted 'happy face', but I choke on the
medium and big levels. Performance anxiety.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I think we can say that you've shown us all that
"temp", far from being a word with no particular
associations at all, except for the general horror at
ever being or being near one, is actually nothing of
the sort!
Can we look forward to more exciting "humor material"
from you?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Well, you <i>can</i>. I wouldn't advise it though.
You'd just be setting yourself up for some major
disappointment.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Chris, I understand that Dave Barry has called you
a "wizened little pissant". Do you have any response
to that?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> All I'll say is, it must be nice to just go get a
new wife and new kid when you get tired of the old
ones.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Yeah, what was up with that? They even made a TV
show of his old wife and kids!
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Well, hell, I'd do anything for new material, too.
I'm thinking about getting married just to have some
new embarrassing event to write about.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I think a lot of webmasters would like to know,
how do you put out, or "output", such a quantity of
material, much
of it readable? Would it be fair to say that you have
no life?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> I do have a life, but I have condensed it
somewhat. I make my friends all gather in a room, and
just dash in and out real quick, and as far as dating
goes, I... okay, I have no life.
<p>Hey... can I use
"much of it readable" as a blurb?
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I'll check with our lawyer, Clint. In the meantime
you can quote me as saying "I'll check with our
lawyer."
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B>
A guy who knows all the D&D rules isn't really a lawyer.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Worse, in a way.
I bet having a popular, successful website full of
"temporary humor" gets you a lot of action with the
webladies!
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> I'm unaware of any 'action' from any
'webladies' at this time, but
they are welcome to forward me pictures of their
breasts at '[email protected]'.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Chris, I understand that Jay Stile, of
stileproject, is suing you for $100,000 for appearing
in his top 100 list and not having any porn to
speak of. Do you have any comment on this?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> My only comments are "I rule for even surviving on
that list" and "He's welcome to the -$328 in my
checking account." And "I'm a little hungry."
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Emphasis on the "little"! Ha ha!
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> I'm not sure what you mean by that. And frankly,
it strikes me as a little unprofessional.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Sorry, Chris, that was insensitive, but it <i>is</i>
fascinating to see such a fine website created by
someone only 4'2" tall. Do you plan to create any
humor material on the subject of "shortness"?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Well, since I recently wrote an entire 800-word
article about having taffy in my mouth when the phone
rang, I imagine I will have no problem creating
material out of being short. Yet the page will be wet
with my tears.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I'm glad to hear that you won't be running short
of material!
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Yes. Short. I get it. We all get it.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Chris, it must be very exciting to be at the
pinnacle of the world of "web temp humor". Now that
the web is no longer taken seriously by any
cool person, do you have any plans to diversify into
other media?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> I have plans to put some of my material on the
DIVX format, those DVD's that erase themselves after
three days. I hear those are big. Also, a radio show,
maybe one of those web broadcasts about five people
listen to. And
I may also appear on Pogs.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I understand that you've been in discussions with
Andrew Lloyd Weber about a musical version, as well?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> No, that's stupid. What are you talking about?
<P><CITE><B>MR</B> (<i>checking notes</i>): No, it's written down here.
Andrew Lloyd Weber. Esteemed British director and grill inventor hopes
<i>Temping</i> will be as big a hit as <i>Starlight Express</i>.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Dude's on the pipe.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Are there any other humor product providers you'd
like to work with, Chris? Perhaps Mike Meyers? I
believe he's quite short as well.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> He's Canadian, too, and I'm not into that scene.
I would like to collaborate with Paul Williams one
day, however. And by "collaborate with", I mean,
"punch in the sternum."
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> The National Association of Temps recently said,
from the temporary headquarters of the provisional
president, absolutely nothing about notmydesk. Were
you disturbed by that disappointing omission?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Yes, although the president mentioned me later in
the restroom, while I pressed the barrel of
nickel-plated pistol into his temple. I don't think
the reporters were there for that, though. No, I'm
just kidding! Ha ha! The reporters were there.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Well, our producer is making those little hand
gestures that mean 'too damn much already'! So, one
last question, Chris.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> That's not what that gesture means at all.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> What do your bosses do when they catch you playing
Solitaire?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> They point out that there's a Windows version, and
I don't need to bring actual playing cards to work
with me.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> When I said one last question, I was actually
referring to <i>this</i> one. Why 'temping', Chris? You
can't hold down a permanent job?
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Are you saying I'm short? You can just come out
and say it.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I already did.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Actually, Kent, I find temping gives me freedom
and flexibility I can't find elsewhere. And nothing
matters more than that. Although, I was kind of hoping
this interview would be catered, because I haven't
eaten in a week.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I'll see what we can do.
Well, thank you, Chris, of notmydesk.com! We
certainly wish you the best of success on your "web of
humor temping". And I sure hope that rash clears up!</CITE>
<p><cite>And now, back to Trent, or perhaps Brent, for our
daily porn report.</CITE>
<P><B>CL:</B> Now that you mention it... having no benefits has
taught me a lot about medicine, as I am forced to
diagnose and treat my own ailments, and as you
mentioned, rashes. Highly contagious rashes. *cough*
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Ok, ok, we'll feed you. Jesus.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Thank you. It was fun to be here! Although I'm
not sure why I needed to be naked. Or covered in
stinging bees.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Heh heh! Little misunderstanding... you were
supposed to be in "stunning greys".
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Wow, that's bad. Even for you, that's bad.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> We'll clean it up in post-production.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> I suppose being tall gets you a lot of leeway.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> And babes.
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Yes. Babes.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> Say, let's go back to your place to play video
games, eat junk
food, and
make fun of stupid movies!
</CITE><P><B>CL:</B> Fag.
<P><CITE><B>MR:</B> I rented <i>Highlander</i>! </CITE>
<P><B>CL:</B> Oh, all right.
<td width="10%">
</table>
<p> <p>
<hr>
<center>
<a href="default.html"><img src="homer.gif" border=0 alt="Home" title="Home"></a>
</center>
</body>
</html>