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<HTML>
<HEAD><TITLE>Nuker Stadium</TITLE>
<style>
h2
{color:#9C8900;}
h3
{color:#9C8900;}
h4
{color:#9C8900;}
h5
{color:#9C8900;}
h6
{color:#9C8900;}
</style>
<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript" SRC="mars.js">
</SCRIPT>
</HEAD>
<BODY BGCOLOR="#F2EED1">
<form action="" name="theform">
<script language="javascript" type="text/javascript">
function makeRand(howMany)
{
return Math.floor((Math.random()*howMany)%howMany);
}
var teamcity = "";
var teamname = "";
function pickteam()
{
var team = makeRand(6);
if (team == 0)
{ teamcity = "Lowell"; teamname = "Brontor"; }
if (team == 1)
{ teamcity = "Měichéng"; teamname = "Nazi"; }
if (team == 2)
{ teamcity = "Valles"; teamname = "Redneck"; }
if (team == 3)
{ teamcity = "Helladópolis"; teamname = "Maluquinho"; }
if (team == 4)
{ teamcity = "Elisiograd"; teamname = "Communist"; }
if (team == 5)
{ teamcity = "Iyos"; teamname = "Xaleza"; }
}
function trouble() {
var t = makeRand(4);
if (t == 0) return "the union and the league are at loggerheads.";
if (t == 1) return "the star Nuker is playing for the first time on his new leg.";
if (t == 2) return "the doctors are contesting whether all players meet the 50% human DNA rule.";
return "the star " + teamname + " is pretty clearly violating the ‘no furries’ rule.";
}
function startflavor() {
var t = makeRand(4);
if (t == 0) return "a newly rehabbed celebrity sings the Martian Anthem.";
if (t == 1) return "the cheerleaders rev up the crowd with simulated violence and sex acts.";
if (t == 2) return "the players check the Vee for their opponents’ stats.";
return "the refs activate their hyperperception neurimplants.";
}
function beginning() {
var t = makeRand(4);
if (t == 0) return "probe the defense mecs,";
if (t == 1) return "consult their strategy implants,";
if (t == 2) return "whittle down the hit points on the goal,";
return "wait for the enhancers to kick in,";
}
function randteam() {
if (Math.random() > 0.5) return "Nuker";
return teamname;
}
function firstattack() {
var t = makeRand(4);
if (t == 0) return "the first goal is scored.";
if (t == 1) return "the " + randteam() + "s get first blood.";
if (t == 2) return "the " + randteam() + "s are dominating!";
return "the Nukers and the " + teamname + "s each win a point.";
}
function upset() {
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "one " + randteam() + " has to be rushed to the waiting surgical mecs.";
if (t == 1) return "both goals are fully decloaked.";
if (t == 2) return "the ball’s AI goes haywire and it hides in the maintenance pit for ten minutes.";
if (t == 3) return "the " + randteam() + "s, to general consternation, execute the Kurilov maneuver.";
if (t == 4) return "the crowd tries to rush the field, but can’t get past the Tajima screen.";
return "the defense mecs have been chopped into pieces.";
}
function halftime1() {
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "sensational,";
if (t == 1) return "erotic,";
if (t == 2) return "interesting,";
if (t == 3) return "quite athletic,";
if (t == 4) return "over the top crazy,"
return "baffling,";
}
function halftime2() {
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "and the lasers even hit Phobos.";
if (t == 1) return "though marred by Tunisian protesters throwing tracts.";
if (t == 2) return "though no one is really in the mood for theremin.";
if (t == 3) return "and the performers are obviously not limited by the 50% human DNA rule.";
if (t == 4) return "albeit a little too focused on product placement."
return "and the Ogorodé don’t take too long to clean up afterwards.";
}
function bang()
{
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "a bang";
if (t == 1) return "a fatality";
if (t == 2) return "an amusing feint";
if (t == 3) return "a ref buried under a pile of " + randteam() + "s";
if (t == 4) return "the enraged ball furiously assaulting both teams"
return "a long, brutal confrontation";
}
function setback()
{
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "who haven’t been feeling too well lately";
if (t == 1) return "as the " + teamname + " forwards dance around them";
if (t == 2) return "till an unexpected union concession brings two of the stars back on the field";
if (t == 3) return "who are no good at the long game";
if (t == 4) return "as the afternoon light is in their eyes"
return "and they’re receiving some pretty nasty hits on their comments pages";
}
function amazing()
{
var t = makeRand(6);
if (t == 0) return "a nailbiting back-and-forth";
if (t == 1) return "a frenzy of blood and sweat";
if (t == 2) return "a set of moves that aren’t in anybody’s playbook";
if (t == 3) return "a chancy drive down the left side of the field";
if (t == 4) return "a full-on assault by the " + teamname + "s"
return "some unbelievable spawncamping";
}
function roaring()
{
var t = makeRand(4);
if (t == 0) return "roaring.";
if (t == 1) return "beating each other up in the stands.";
if (t == 2) return "on their feet, shouting.";
return "almost orgasmic.";
}
function replay()
{
window.location.reload();
}
function city()
{
window.location = pageref("areopolis");
}
</script>
<h2>Nuker Stadium</h2>
<script>
pickteam();
if (briefed() == "y") {
document.write("The Incatena needs saving, but that doesn’t meant there isn’t time for a game.");
} else {
document.write("Sure, the boss is waiting, but you can catch a game first.");
}
</script>
<p>It’s a beautiful day for a ball game here in Areopolis, not a dust cloud in the pink sky.
<p>The home team, the Areopolis Nukers, is facing the
<script>document.write(teamcity + " " + teamname + "s");</script>.
There’s some tension to start with, as
<script>document.write(trouble());</script>
But then both teams take the field, and
<script>document.write(startflavor());</script>
<p>The game starts out slow, as the players
<script>document.write(beginning());</script>
but soon
<script>document.write(firstattack());</script>
The action continues fast and furious, until
<script>document.write(upset());</script>
<p>The halftime show is
<script>document.write(halftime1());</script>
<script>document.write(halftime2());</script>
<p>The second half starts out with
<script>document.write(bang());</script>.
It’s not looking good for the Nukers,
<script>document.write(setback());</script>.
The final minutes feature
<script>document.write(amazing());</script>
that has the crowd
<script>document.write(roaring());</script>
<p>Final score:
<b>Areopolis
<script>document.write(
makeRand(12) + ", " + teamcity + " " + makeRand(12)
);</script></b>.
<center><input type="button" value="Another game!" onClick="replay();"></center>
<p><center><input type="button" value="Return" onClick="city();"></center>
</form>
</body>
</html>