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<HTML>
<HEAD>
<TITLE>The Metaverse Excuse-O-Mat</TITLE>
</HEAD>
<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript">
function makeRand(howMany)
{
theResult = Math.floor((Math.random()*howMany)%howMany)
return theResult
}
function getWrd(theReview,theWord)
{
var randWrd = new Array()
if (theReview == 0) {
// words for Distraction excuse
//
//"I got so (1) (2) that I could hardly (3)--.
// and then my (4). I am so (5) sometimes!
// Anyway, I hope (6) this week."
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "caught up in"
randWrd[1] = "distracted by"
randWrd[2] = "involved with"
randWrd[3] = "obsessed by"
randWrd[4] = "absorbed in"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "the impeachment hearings"
randWrd[1] = "IRC"
randWrd[2] = "this loser who USED to be my romantic interest"
randWrd[3] = "tracking down the sinister forces that control our lives"
randWrd[4] = "this make-money-fast scheme on the Web"
randWrd[5] = "the teachings of Ayn Rand"
randWrd[6] = "this stupid flame-war on the Net"
randWrd[7] = "hunting for Furbies"
randWrd[8] = "what turned out to be NOT a long-lost cousin"
randWrd[9] = "my zine"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "think"
randWrd[1] = "keep my head together"
randWrd[2] = "tie my shoes"
randWrd[3] = "get myself centered"
randWrd[4] = "work, much less concentrate on trivialities"
randWrd[5] = "function as a human being"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "car started spitting parts all over the road"
randWrd[1] = "water heater exploded"
randWrd[2] = "dog got carpal tunnel syndrome"
randWrd[3] = "bank statement got screwed up"
randWrd[4] = "mother decides to spring a week-long visit on us"
randWrd[5] = "ISP managed to delete all my e-mail"
randWrd[6] = "boss got on my case COMPLETELY unfairly"
randWrd[7] = "Loompanics catalog arrived"
randWrd[8] = "test came back positive (a mistake, it turned out)"
randWrd[9] = "friends gave me a surprise hot-tub party"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "ditzy"
randWrd[1] = "soft in the head"
randWrd[2] = "out of it"
randWrd[3] = "much of a space cadet"
randWrd[4] = "unspiritual"
randWrd[5] = "put upon by occult forces"
randWrd[6] = "unlucky"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "nothing else goes wrong"
randWrd[1] = "we have a quiet time in the old town"
randWrd[2] = "our TV stays broken"
randWrd[3] = "everybody gets their crap together"
randWrd[4] = "my new meditation program clears up the problem"
randWrd[5] = "the medication kicks in"
randWrd[6] = "the cat doesn't have kittens"
randWrd[7] = "my karma doesn't bottom out"
randWrd[8] = "to get back to you"
randWrd[9] = "the weather cooperates"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 1) {
// words for Medical excuse
//
//"What a week! First my (1) (2), and then, would you believe, // my doctor (3)! I'm (4) and I don't know if I can (5).
// I just pray that next week I (6).
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "gout"
randWrd[1] = "lumbago"
randWrd[2] = "carpal tunnel syndrome"
randWrd[3] = "mono"
randWrd[4] = "heart palpitations"
randWrd[5] = "post-traumatic stress disorder"
randWrd[6] = "intestinal parasites"
randWrd[7] = "hematoma"
randWrd[8] = "Korsakov's syndrome"
randWrd[9] = "bum knee"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "returned"
randWrd[1] = "flared up"
randWrd[2] = "put me in the hospital"
randWrd[3] = "started torturing me"
randWrd[4] = "started giving me hell"
randWrd[5] = "chose this week to come back"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "kept me flat on my back for a week"
randWrd[1] = "was on vacation, and I HATE his assistant"
randWrd[2] = "said it was all in my head"
randWrd[3] = "won't up my meds"
randWrd[4] = "said I needed immediate surgery"
randWrd[5] = "thought it was herpes"
randWrd[6] = "won't see me till my account's paid off"
randWrd[7] = "absolutely would not accept my diagnosis"
randWrd[8] = "is getting sued for sexual harrassment"
randWrd[9] = "lost the test results and wants a new biopsy"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "feeling all woogie"
randWrd[1] = "black and blue all over"
randWrd[2] = "run down and listless"
randWrd[3] = "barely able to walk"
randWrd[4] = "not sleeping well"
randWrd[5] = "on indefinite sick leave"
randWrd[6] = "checking myself into the hospital"
randWrd[7] = "looking for a new doctor"
randWrd[8] = "a complete nervous wreck"
randWrd[9] = "fighting day and night with the HMO"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "make it through another week"
randWrd[1] = "put off the root canal any longer"
randWrd[2] = "ever live a normal life again"
randWrd[3] = "get any more sick leave"
randWrd[4] = "keep drinking the way I have been"
randWrd[5] = "stand it any more"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "don't have a relapse"
randWrd[1] = "feel OK"
randWrd[2] = "get a little better"
randWrd[3] = "don't get that skin condition back"
randWrd[4] = "prosper on the new diet"
randWrd[5] = "can get my nerves in order"
randWrd[6] = "don't break down entirely"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 2) {
// words for Insulting excuse
//
// "As for you, don't (1). (2): you aren't (3).
// Some of us (4). But (5)-- I'm sorry.
// Jeez, people can be so (6).
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "blow a gasket"
randWrd[1] = "have a conniption"
randWrd[2] = "get your panties in a knot"
randWrd[3] = "bust a blood vessel",
randWrd[4] = "lay a trip on me"
randWrd[5] = "give me any of your whining"
randWrd[6] = "start"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "News flash"
randWrd[1] = "I got news for you"
randWrd[2] = "Earth to you"
randWrd[3] = "Listen, toots"
randWrd[4] = "Let me spell it out for you"
randWrd[5] = "In words of one syllable"
randWrd[6] = "Get it through your brick"
randWrd[7] = "I hate to be the one to say it"
randWrd[8] = "Wake up"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "the only person in the world"
randWrd[1] = "exactly number one on my priority list"
randWrd[2] = "going to die from it"
randWrd[3] = "so blameless as you think"
randWrd[4] = "exactly the Dalai Lama yourself"
randWrd[5] = "the center of my universe"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "have a life"
randWrd[1] = "have other things to do than nag and find fault"
randWrd[2] = "aren't as morally perfect as you, perhaps"
randWrd[3] = "have to work for a living"
randWrd[4] = "don't keep tabs on all our friends"
randWrd[5] = "worry more about our own faults, not someone else's"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "for what it's worth"
randWrd[1] = "have it your way"
randWrd[2] = "if it makes you happy"
randWrd[3] = "hey, what the heck"
randWrd[4] = "if it means that much to you"
randWrd[5] = "I suppose I'll never get any peace till I say it"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "anal"
randWrd[1] = "passive-agressive"
randWrd[2] = "picky"
randWrd[3] = "manipulative"
randWrd[4] = "unevolved"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 3) {
// words for Moral Failure excuse
//
// "I won't (1)-- I (2), disappointing my (3).
// No one can (4) more than I, though I emphasize (5).
// All I can do is (6), and (7).
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "beat around the bush"
randWrd[1] = "attempt to dissemble"
randWrd[2] = "deny the clear facts"
randWrd[3] = "take up any more of your time"
randWrd[4] = "hide the extent of my sin"
randWrd[5] = "participate in a whitewash"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "messed up"
randWrd[1] = "behaved improperly"
randWrd[2] = "disgraced my office"
randWrd[3] = "acted like an animal"
randWrd[4] = "misled the American people"
randWrd[5] = "acted in clear violation of ethical standards"
randWrd[6] = "went beyond the pale"
randWrd[7] = "goofed up"
randWrd[8] = "betrayed the trust put in me"
randWrd[9] = "wandered into the dark wood of error"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "family and friends"
randWrd[1] = "colleagues as well as the public at large"
randWrd[2] = "co-workers, clients, and even my lawyer"
randWrd[3] = "parole officer"
randWrd[4] = "constituents, to say nothing of my spouse"
randWrd[5] = "significant other"
randWrd[6] = "high school guidance counselor"
randWrd[7] = "Lord, and incidentally you as well"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "feel this more"
randWrd[1] = "regret these circumstances more"
randWrd[2] = "wallow in more dejected self-loathing"
randWrd[3] = "deprecate this failing more"
randWrd[4] = "be more sorry"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "it was really my assistant"
randWrd[1] = "I only signed the papers that were prepared for me"
randWrd[2] = "that I am a victim as well"
randWrd[3] = "that my intentions were honorable"
randWrd[4] = "no actual penetration occurred"
randWrd[5] = "that my intentions were honorable"
randWrd[6] = "I remember none of the details"
randWrd[7] = "that I am not a crook"
randWrd[8] = "that I was very young at the time"
randWrd[9] = "that I will not allow my enemies to use this against me"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
// All I can do is (6), and (7).
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "solemnly repent"
randWrd[1] = "fall to my knees"
randWrd[2] = "pray to my God"
randWrd[3] = "resolve to do better next time"
randWrd[4] = "promise that it will never happen again"
randWrd[5] = "resign my office"
randWrd[6] = "drink until things feel better"
randWrd[7] = "trust in the compassion of the American people"
randWrd[8] = "call on the name of the Lord"
randWrd[9] = "take it one day at a time"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 7) {
randWrd[0] = "beg for your forgiveness"
randWrd[1] = "ask for your understanding"
randWrd[2] = "try to make things right"
randWrd[3] = "redouble my efforts"
randWrd[4] = "ask you to accept my apology"
randWrd[5] = "fall upon the mercy of the court"
randWrd[6] = "hope we can put this behind us"
randWrd[7] = "move forward, sadder but wiser"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 4) {
// words for Self-Loathing excuse
//
// "I am (1). You've reminded me-- oh, it (2)--
// that I have (3). It would be (4) to (5).
// Say the word, and I will (6) in apology.
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "completely pathetic"
randWrd[1] = "a worm"
randWrd[2] = "no better than common mud"
randWrd[3] = "tortured by remorse"
randWrd[4] = "half-mad with shame"
randWrd[5] = "consumed with guilt"
randWrd[6] = "less than nothing"
randWrd[7] = "an insect, fit only to be squashed"
randWrd[8] = "scum-- an ocean of scum"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "bores into my brain"
randWrd[1] = "cuts me to the quick"
randWrd[2] = "never leaves my thoughts, no matter how I beg"
randWrd[3] = "is now ever before me, like a vengeful ghost"
randWrd[4] = "is like hot lead poured into my eyes"
randWrd[5] = "gnaws at me in every waking moment"
randWrd[6] = "haunts my dreams"
randWrd[7] = "is a torment that can never be consoled"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "failed you, utterly and absolutely"
randWrd[1] = "behaved once more like the brute I am"
randWrd[2] = "treated you as no decent human being would"
randWrd[3] = "caddishly abused your generosity"
randWrd[4] = "repaid your indulgence only with heartache"
randWrd[5] = "been a selfish, slime-wallowing hog"
randWrd[6] = "never thanked you for the wedding gift"
randWrd[7] = "no right to live"
randWrd[8] = "no claim on the mercy of even a saint"
randWrd[9] = "once again betrayed my oath"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = "only fair"
randWrd[1] = "a mercy"
randWrd[2] = "more than just"
randWrd[3] = "better than I deserve"
randWrd[4] = "a praiseworthy action"
randWrd[5] = "your right"
randWrd[6] = "your right, perhaps your duty,"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "never speak to me again"
randWrd[1] = "shoot me like a dog"
randWrd[2] = "drop me like a maggotty corpse"
randWrd[3] = "leave me festering in well-deserved pain"
randWrd[4] = "remove your link to my page"
randWrd[5] = "never trust me again"
randWrd[6] = "not invite me over again"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "lick your boots"
randWrd[1] = "bite glass"
randWrd[2] = "drive nails through my skull"
randWrd[3] = "remove a bodily organ"
randWrd[4] = "rend my garments and shave my hair"
randWrd[5] = "send a check to your favorite charity"
randWrd[6] = "write an epic poem"
randWrd[7] = "send flowers, jewels, and furs"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
else if (theReview == 5) {
// words for Unscripted excuse
//
// "I (1)-- I (2) I (3) and all.
// What I(4) is, (5). You know, (6).
// Is that (7)?
//
if (theWord == 1) {
randWrd[0] = "uh"
randWrd[1] = "think I"
randWrd[2] = "uh, well"
randWrd[3] = "gotta"
randWrd[4] = "might've"
randWrd[5] = "oh gosh"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 2) {
randWrd[0] = "mean,"
randWrd[1] = "kind of-- well,"
randWrd[2] = "don't know,"
randWrd[3] = "uh,"
randWrd[4] = "suppose I should say"
randWrd[5] = "should-- oh damn. Uh,"
randWrd[6] = "guess"
randWrd[7] = "really-- yeah,"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 3) {
randWrd[0] = "messed up"
randWrd[1] = "screwed up"
randWrd[2] = "punted"
randWrd[3] = "faded"
randWrd[4] = "lost it"
randWrd[5] = "didn't do, you know, that stuff"
randWrd[6] = "kinda narfed on you"
randWrd[7] = "blew it"
randWrd[8] = "got you in trouble"
randWrd[9] = "violated my oath"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 4) {
randWrd[0] = " mean"
randWrd[1] = "'m trying to say"
randWrd[2] = "'m getting at"
randWrd[3] = " want to say"
randWrd[4] = "-- oh man. The thing"
randWrd[5] = "'m not really saying very well"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 5) {
randWrd[0] = "I'm sorry"
randWrd[1] = "I'm, uh, sorry"
randWrd[2] = "well, my apologies"
randWrd[3] = "oh, jeez, how do I say it"
randWrd[4] = "I feel really bad about it"
randWrd[5] = "I was a dick"
randWrd[6] = "I could've done better, I know"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 6) {
randWrd[0] = "I'm really sorry"
randWrd[1] = "I know how much of a drag it was"
randWrd[2] = "I can be a pain, I know"
randWrd[3] = "I didn't mean to-- well, I'm sorry"
randWrd[4] = "sorry sorry sorry"
randWrd[5] = "what can I say? I'm sorry"
randWrd[6] = "what a screwup, huh? Sorry"
randWrd[7] = "sorry-issimo"
randWrd[8] = "I'm like the apology man"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
else if (theWord == 7) {
randWrd[0] = "enough"
randWrd[1] = "kind of like what you expected"
randWrd[2] = "like, okay"
randWrd[3] = "OK, or do you want like a play-by-play"
randWrd[4] = "doing it for you"
randWrd[5] = "...I don't know, what else can I say"
return randWrd[makeRand(randWrd.length)]
}
}
}
function writeReview()
{
var selectedReview = document.formreview.whatkind.selectedIndex
if (selectedReview == 0) {
document.formreview.review.value =
"I got so " +
getWrd(0,1) + " " +
getWrd(0,2) + " that I could hardly " +
getWrd(0,3) + "-- and then my " +
getWrd(0,4) + ". I am so " +
getWrd(0,5) + " sometimes! Anyway, I hope " +
getWrd(0,6) + " this week."
}
if (selectedReview == 1){
document.formreview.review.value = "What a week! First my " +
getWrd(1,1) + " " +
getWrd(1,2) + ", and then, would you believe, my doctor " +
getWrd(1,3) + "! I'm " +
getWrd(1,4) + " and I don't know if I can " +
getWrd(1,5) + ". I just pray that next week I " +
getWrd(1,6) + "."
}
if (selectedReview == 2){
document.formreview.review.value = "As for you, don't "+
getWrd(2,1) + ". " +
getWrd(2,2) + ": you aren't " +
getWrd(2,3) + ". Some of us " +
getWrd(2,4) + ". But " +
getWrd(2,5) + "-- I'm sorry. Jeez, people can be so " +
getWrd(2,6) + "."
}
if (selectedReview == 3){
document.formreview.review.value = "I won't "+
getWrd(3,1) + " -- I " +
getWrd(3,2) + ", disappointing my " +
getWrd(3,3) + ". No one can " +
getWrd(3,4) + " than I, though I emphasize " +
getWrd(3,5) + ". All I can do is " +
getWrd(3,6) + ", and " +
getWrd(3,7) + "."
}
if (selectedReview == 4){
document.formreview.review.value = "I am "+
getWrd(4,1) + ". You've reminded me-- oh, it " +
getWrd(4,2) + "-- that I have " +
getWrd(4,3) + ". It would be " +
getWrd(4,4) + " for you to " +
getWrd(4,5) + ". Say the word, and I will " +
getWrd(4,6) + " in apology."
}
if (selectedReview == 5){
document.formreview.review.value = "I "+
getWrd(5,1) + "-- I " +
getWrd(5,2) + " I " +
getWrd(5,3) + " and all. What I" +
getWrd(5,4) + " is, " +
getWrd(5,5) + ". You know, " +
getWrd(5,6) + ". Is that " +
getWrd(5,7) + "?"
}
}
</SCRIPT>
<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFC0C0">
<IMG Align=Top SRC="process.gif"><H3>The Excuse-O-Mat</H3>
<i>Things go wrong-- which is awfully annoying of them--
and then comes the really difficult thing: explaining what
happened. What do you do when the old excuses (my dog ate it,
it's in the mail, mistakes were made)
have been used once too often? Why, you come to
Metaverse for one of <b>3.6 million</b> different <b>convincing,
ready-made excuses!</b>
<p>Written by Mark Rosenfelder
</i>
<hr>
<FORM action="" method="POST" name="formreview">
<P>Select the type of excuse: <SELECT NAME="whatkind">
<OPTION SELECTED>Distraction
<OPTION>Medical
<OPTION>Insulting
<OPTION>Moral failure
<OPTION>Self-loathing
<OPTION>Unscripted
</SELECT></P>
<P><INPUT TYPE="button" NAME="doit" VALUE="Create Excuse" onClick="writeReview()">
Click again for another excuse!</P>
<P><TEXTAREA NAME="review" ROWS="10" COLS="60" WRAP="virtual"></TEXTAREA></P>
</FORM>
<hr>
<A HREF="default.html">[Home]</A>
</BODY>
</HTML>