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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN"> <!-- saved from url=(0036)http://www.zompist.com/amercult.html --> <HTML><HEAD><TITLE>American culture</TITLE> <META http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=windows-1252"> <META content="MSHTML 5.50.4134.600" name=GENERATOR></HEAD> <BODY><IMG src="auscult_files/chicago.gif" align=top> <H3>How to tell if you're Australian</H3> <P><I>Based on Mark Rosenfelder's attempt to capture the quintessence of American Culture, or at best to prove such a thing might be claimed to exist, the following makes some sort of attempt to show that Aussies aren't too different, but unique enough to claim our own cultural identity of sorts.</I> <HR width="75%" SIZE=4> <FONT color=#0000ff size=+1>If you're Australian...</FONT> <UL> <LI>...well actually, you don't bother to say the whole bloody word. You're either an "aussie", pronounced 'ozzie' and NOT 'arssy', or at best "astrayln", which has anywhere from 1 to 3 syllables. <LI>You're familiar with Neighbours, Hey! Hey! it's Saturday, Bananas in Pyjamas, The Wiggles, Home & Away and Countdown but probably watch more far more American TV than home-grown stuff, grudgingly admitting it's one thing they do well. <LI>You know how cricket, footy (= Aussie rules football), tennis, basketball, golf, and if you're from some states, various forms of rugby are played. If you're male, you can argue intricate points about their rules. On the other hand, you don't care that much for soccer (unless you're from Europe), baseball, or gridiron. <LI>Three or four weeks of holidays a year is considered fair game, provided of course you get all your public holidays (about 10 days worth). </LI></UL><B><I><FONT color=#2020ff>If you died tonight...</FONT></I></B> <UL> <LI>Statistically you probably claim to believe in God, in reality you don't care less. <LI>You think of McDonald's, Hungry Jack's (which you know most people call Burger King), KFC etc. as cheap food. <LI>You own a telephone and a TV. Your place is heated in the winter (unless you live in the top half) and has its own bathroom. You do your laundry in a machine, but probably hang your washing out on the line (preferably a Hills Hoist, which is the centerpiece of the back lawn). You don't kill your own food. You don't have a dirt floor. You eat at a table, sitting on chairs. <LI>You don't consider insects, dogs, cats, monkeys, or guinea pigs to be food. <LI>Your bathroom probably has a bathtub in it, and some have a dunny (sorry, toilet). But you're just as happy if it's in a little room of its own, certainly never refer to <I>that</I> room as a 'bathroom', and think it's pretty stupid to do so. <LI>The telephone system is half government owned and half privatised, and you probably think it should stay that way for the sake of those outback. As of recently what was 'public transport' is now privately owned, but doesn't seem to be any different otherwise. Other utilities are either privately or publically owned, but there's generally only one provider per area, which just makes it a nuisance to work out who to call when you move house. <LI>You expect, as a matter of course, that the phones will work. Getting a new phone is routine, but you probably think the one you've had for 5 years now is perfectly good. <LI>The train system is ok if you need to get into the city every day, and probably faster than driving. <LI>You accept that you're stuck with a two-party system, bitch and moan that there's bugger all difference between the two, but are glad there's enough support for other parties to "keep the bastards honest", even if you never vote for them yourself. <LI>Socialism and communism mean pretty much the same thing to you, and you're just glad your country never had to go through it. <LI>Race is probably the only political issue you care about. You are either white, asian, european or aboriginal, or, quite possibly, a mixture of some or all of the above. <LI>You think most problems could be solved if only people would put aside their prejudices and work together. <LI>You take a strong court system for granted, even if you don't use it. You know that if you went into business and had problems with a customer, partner, or supplier, you could take them to court. <LI>You respect people who speak other languages, but think that the level of English spoken by some immigrants, especially asian ones, is atrocious. Unless you or your family are recent immigrants however, you probably don't speak anything other than English. <LI>Learning foreign languages is seen as useful - especially asian ones, but you probably can't be bothered. <LI>You probably whinge about how much tax you pay, but accept it's necessary. You certainly don't think rich people are getting taxed too much (46%). <LI>School is free through to high school (at least, it's an option, even if you went to private school); university is heavily subsidised and you feel it should remain that way. <LI>Uni degrees are anywhere from 3 to 6 years long. A college is where you board while you study at Uni. </LI></UL><B><I><FONT color=#2020ff>Everybody knows that</FONT></I></B> <UL> <LI>Mustard comes in jars. Shaving cream comes in cans. Milk comes in 2L plastic bottles or in cardboard cartons. <LI>The date comes first: 25/04/15. (And you should know what happened on that date). <LI>The decimal point is a dot. Certainly not a comma. <LI>A billion is a thousand times a million (when talking about money or population). You were probably taught it was a million times a million at school though. <LI>World War I was a just war, and (granted all the suffering of course) ended all right. It was a time when the country came together and did what was right. The Aussie spirit was exemplified by the Diggers (= soldiers) who fought for our country. World War II was pretty much the same thing, but fails to stir the same sort of pride. <LI>You expect marriages to be made for love, not arranged by third parties. Getting married by a registrar is an option, but not a requirement; most marriages happen in church. You have a best man and a maid or matron of honor at the wedding-- a friend or a sibling. And, naturally, a man gets only one wife at a time. <LI>If a man has sex with another man, he's a homosexual. If he's Tasmanian, he's also a criminal. <LI>Once you're introduced to someone you can call them by their first name. Before that you call him 'mate'. <LI>If you're a woman, you could go to many beaches topless without attracting too much attention. <LI>A hotel room may or may not have a private bath. <LI>You'd rather a film be subtitled than dubbed (if you go to foreign films at all). <LI>You seriously expect to be able to transact business, or deal with the government, without paying bribes. <LI>If a politican has been cheating on his wife, you probably wouldn't care too much. <LI>Any large store will take your credit card, and nearly every store imaginable will take EFTPOS (= debit card). <LI>A private company can fire just about anybody it wants, unless it discriminates by doing so. <LI>You probably like your bacon crisp, but don't think too much about it. <LI>Labour Day is in Autumn, but it's just another excuse for a long weekend. </LI></UL><B><I><FONT color=#2020ff>Contributions to world civilisation</FONT></I></B> <UL> <LI>You've seen <CITE>Crocodile Dundee</CITE>, <CITE>Strictly Ballroom</CITE> and <CITE>Babe</CITE>. You know the Easybeats, Daddy Cool, the Bee Gees, Hoodoo Gurus, Midnight Oil, INXS, AC/DC and Crowded House (but think that maybe they don't qualify as Aussie, having a Kiwi-born singer). <LI>You count on excellent medical treatment. You know you're not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases. You expect very strong measures to be taken to save very ill babies or people in their eighties. You think dying at 65 would be a tragedy. <LI>You went over Australian history, and some European, in school, not too much American, African or even Asian (this is changing). <LI>You expect the military to help defend the peace, not get involved in politics, and probably not to fight too many wars. You know the name of General Cosgrove, but only because of East Timor. <LI>Your country has never been conquered by a foreign nation. The Aboriginals, however, feel otherwise. <LI>You're happy with the variety of choices for almost anything you buy. <LI>You measure things in metres, litres and kilograms. You probably quote your height in feet and inches though. <LI>You are not a farmer, but somehow still think that farming is the backbone of our country. <LI>Comics basically come in two varieties: newspaper comics and magazines; the latter pretty much all feature superheroes, American ones at that. <LI>The people who appear on the most popular talk shows are mostly entertainers and politicians. Rarely authors or strange individuals. <LI>You drive on the left side of the road. You stop at red lights even if nobody's around. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. <LI>You consider the Volkswagen Beetle to be a small car. <LI>The police are armed in some states, but not with submachine guns. <LI>If a woman is plumper than the average, it doesn't improve her looks. <LI>The biggest meal of the day is in the evening. <LI>The nationality people most often make jokes about is the Kiwis (New Zealanders). <LI>There's parts of the city you want to be careful at night in, especially if you're female or elderly. </LI></UL><B><I><FONT color=#2020ff>Outside Melbourne</FONT></I></B> <UL> <LI>You think that politicians are mainly a joke, and have given up hoping they're ever gonna take notice of you. <LI>You wouldn't expect both inflation and unemployment to be very high (say, over 5% and 10% respectively) at the same time. <LI>You couldn't care less what family someone comes from. <LI>The normal thing, when a couple dies, is for their estate to be divided equally between their children. <LI>You think of opera and ballet as rather elite entertainments. It's likely you don't see that many plays, either. <LI>Christmas is in the summer. Unless you're an orthodox Jew, you spend it with your family, give presents, put up a tree, and probably have a barbie out in the backyard. <LI>You think the church should stay out of politics, and it because it generally does, you're not upset there's no legislation enforcing it. <LI>You'd be hard pressed to name the capitals or the leaders of all the nations of Europe. <LI>You <I>aren't</I> familiar with Mafalda, Lucky Luke, Corto Maltese, Milo Manara, Guido Crepax, Gotlib, or Moebius. <LI>You've left a message at the beep. <LI>Taxis are generally operated by foreigners, who like to give you opinions on every topic imaginable, and may or may not know their way around. <LI>You are ambivalent about unemployment payments - but you don't see any big reason for anything to change. <LI>If you want to be a doctor, you need to get a bachelor's first. <LI>Lawyers exist purely for the sake of making jokes about them, and taking your money in retaliation.</LI></UL> <HR> <P><A href="http://www.zompist.com/default.html">[Back to Metaverse]</A> </P></BODY></HTML>