|
Server : Apache/2.4.62 System : FreeBSD fbsdweb2.web.rcn.net 14.1-RELEASE FreeBSD 14.1-RELEASE releng/14.1-n267679-10e31f0946d8 GENERIC amd64 User : www ( 80) PHP Version : 8.3.8 Disable Function : NONE Directory : /domains/librarysystems/ |
Upload File : |
<html>
<head>
<meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 4.0">
<meta name="ProgId" content="FrontPage.Editor.Document">
<title>Jokes</title>
<script language="JavaScript" fptype="dynamicanimation">
<!--
function dynAnimation() {}
function clickSwapImg() {}
//-->
</script>
<script language="JavaScript1.2" fptype="dynamicanimation" src="animate.js">
</script>
<meta name="Microsoft Border" content="tl, default">
</head>
<body background="images/background.gif" bgproperties="fixed" onload="dynAnimation()"><!--msnavigation--><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tr><td>
<p><img border="0" src="_borders/Heading.gif" width="705" height="97"></p>
<hr noshade size="3" color="#008080">
</td></tr><!--msnavigation--></table><!--msnavigation--><table dir="ltr" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tr><td valign="top" width="1%">
<div align="left">
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="152">
<tr>
<td><a href="default.htm" onmouseover="document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].imgRolln=document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].src;document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].lowsrc;" onmouseout="document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP39'].imgRolln"><img border="0" src="images/home1.gif" id="fpAnimswapImgFP39" name="fpAnimswapImgFP39" dynamicanimation="fpAnimswapImgFP39" lowsrc="images/alt_home1.gif" width="160" height="22"></a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td><a href="links.htm" onmouseover="document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].imgRolln=document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].src;document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].lowsrc;" onmouseout="document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP77'].imgRolln"><img border="0" src="images/useful_links1.gif" id="fpAnimswapImgFP77" name="fpAnimswapImgFP77" dynamicanimation="fpAnimswapImgFP77" lowsrc="images/alt_useful_links1.gif" width="160" height="22"></a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td><a href="download.htm" onmouseover="document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].imgRolln=document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].src;document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].lowsrc;" onmouseout="document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP46'].imgRolln"><img border="0" src="images/free_downloads1.gif" id="fpAnimswapImgFP46" name="fpAnimswapImgFP46" dynamicanimation="fpAnimswapImgFP46" lowsrc="images/alt_free_downloads1.gif" width="160" height="22"></a></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td></td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p> <map name="FPMap0_I2">
<area href="photo.htm" shape="polygon" coords="68, 4, 29, 19, 10, 49, 3, 85, 11, 122, 13, 123, 30, 151, 67, 173, 108, 152, 104, 155, 124, 126, 135, 84, 128, 54, 111, 22"></map><a onmouseover="document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].imgRolln=document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].src;document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].lowsrc;" onmouseout="document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].src=document['fpAnimswapImgFP40'].imgRolln" href="javascript:void(0)"><img border="0" src="images/reader.gif" id="fpAnimswapImgFP40" name="fpAnimswapImgFP40" dynamicanimation="fpAnimswapImgFP40" lowsrc="images/alt_reader.gif" usemap="#FPMap0_I2" width="138" height="174"></a>
</p>
</td><td valign="top" width="24"></td><!--msnavigation--><td valign="top">
<pre><font face="Arial" color="#FF0000" size="6">Jokes</font></pre>
<span style="font-size: 18px; font-family: arial;">
<p>A golfer�s ball landed on the green about two feet from the
hole when a huge, mushroom-shaped cloud appeared in the background.
“Go ahead and putt,” said the other. “It’ll
be a few minutes before the shock wave reaches us.”
</p>
<p>
Two guys were playing golf when one sliced his ball deep into
a wooded ravine. He grabbed an 8-iron and went down the
embankment, and after searching a while found something shiny.
As he got closer, he realized the shiny object was an 8-iron
in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
The golfer called to his friend, “Hey, come here, I got big
trouble down here.” The friend came running and yelled,
“What’s the matter?” The golfer in the ravine shouted back,
“Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here
with an 8-iron.”
</p>
<p>
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting
cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re
looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend,
anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank
report card?”
</p>
<p>
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign
that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” She did so, and
after several minutes heard the watchman clomp down the
stairs, saw him unlock one gate and then another, shut down
the alarm system, and make his way through the revolving door.
“Well, what do you want?” he asked. The blonde answered,
“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself.”
</p>
<p>
An amateur golfer was always cheating, never playing a straight
game, until finally the pro walked up to him and said, “We’re
going to play a round and I’m going to show you how to play this
game. There will be absolutely no cheating.” The man looked
disappointed but agreed. On the first tee, the pro decided to
let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him. The
amateur sliced the ball, sending it through a couple of trees
and bouncing it several times, when it finally came to a stop on
the cart path. He reached down to move it off the path. The
pro saw this and said, “Hey, wait a minute. You’ve got to play
that ball where it stopped. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase
‘play it where it lays’?” “But I can’t hit the ball on the cart
path.” “Well, you have to,” said the pro, “it’s in the rule book.”
The amateur thought for a minute, grabbed a club, and started his
back swing. He scraped the club head across the pavement, sent
sparks everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that landed on the
green two feet from the hole. The pro said, “Wow! That was a
beautiful shot. What did you use?” The amateur replied, “Your
four iron.”
</p>
<p>
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing
lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented by both of you
with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You,
Attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Jones, gave
me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out
a check. He handed it to Smith. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000,
and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
</p>
<p>
A Microsoft engineer quit and joined the Marines. At the rifle
range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He
fired several shots at the target, but missed it completely each
time. The engineer looked at his rifle, and then at the target,
put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the
trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off,
whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here
just fine: the trouble must be at your end!”
</p>
<p>
Two men went hunting and met a bear. One immediately stripped
off his hunting boots and began to put on a pair of running
shoes, whereupon the other laughed and said, “Ha, you think you
can outrun that bear?” “I don�t need to,” responded the first
one. “I just need to outrun you.”
</p>
<p>
A dog went into a pub and asked for a beer. The bartender
said, “We don’t serve dogs in here,” and refused to give the
beast a beer. The dog insisted, at which point the bartender
took out a pistol and shot the dog in the foot. A week later,
the dog returned, dressed in a cowboy hat, chaps, and other
Western gear. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the
guy who shot my paw.”
</p>
<p>
The famous movie director Cecil B. DeMille was directing
one of his “cast-of-thousands”
extravaganzas, and the time came to shoot the big action
scene. He set up three camera stations, just to make sure
that the effort went on film. Finally, at seven a.m. on the
big day, he yelled, “Roll ‘em!,” and the action began. For
ten hours, chariots raced, horses ran, soldiers fought,
swords clashed, and thousands of extras did their thing.
Finally, exhausted, he went to the first camera station to
find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. “I
can’t understand it,” he cried. “The lens cap got left on
the whole time and we got nothing.” A little shaken, C.B.
went to the second camera station to find the cameraman
pounding his fists on the ground. “I can�t understand it,”
he cried. “There was no film in the camera the whole time
and we got nothing.” Upset now, C.B. thought at least he
had the third man for backup, and went to his position.
The cameraman greeted him jovially and called out,
“Anytime you’re ready, C.B.!”
</p>
<p>
A teenager got a job in a supermarket, and one day a man came in
and wanted to buy half a grapefruit. “I don�t think we can sell
half a grapefruit,” said the kid, “but I’ll ask my boss.” He
walked over to the boss and said, “Some idiot wants to buy half a
grapefruit,” then noticed that the man had followed him over and
heard the comment. “And this fine gentleman,“ he added, “would
like to buy the other half.”
</p>
<p>
A woman was washing outside windows on the third floor of her
apartment and lost her grip, falling into a garbage can below.
Two recent immigrants walked by later, and one said to the other,
“Americans are very wasteful. That woman is good for many years
yet.”
</p>
<p>
An airplane flying over the Atlantic lost one of its four
engines, and the pilot came on to reassure the passengers.
“Nothing to fear,” he said, “we’ll just be half an hour late
arriving in New York.” A while later, another engine was lost.
“Nothing to fear,” said the pilot again, “we’ll be an hour late
now but we’re still safe.” Later, a third engine went out, and
the pilot informed the passengers that arrival time would now
be two hours late. One of the passengers turned to his seatmate
and said, “If that last engine goes, we’ll be up here forever!”
</p>
<p>
During the second world war, a man left a defense plant every
night with a wheelbarrow full of sand. The security guard went
through the sand each time, looking for contraband, but found
nothing. Then, many years after the war was over, the guard
and the worker happened to meet in a bar, and, after a few drinks,
the guard asked, “What were you stealing, anyway?” “Wheelbarrows!”
</p>
<p>
A man went into a pub and saw a dog sitting at a table playing
poker with three men. “Can that dog really read cards?” he
asked one of the men. “Yes, but he’s not much of a player,“
was the reply. “Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
</p>
<p>
A man went to visit his son in college, but got held up in
traffic and didn’t reach the campus until two o’clock in the
morning. He located the son’s fraternity house, which was
all dark, and knocked on the door. “Who’s there?” asked a
voice from inside. “Does Joe Jones live here?” asked the man.
“Yeah,” came the voice, “just bring him in!”
</p>
<p>
An old man went to a funeral at a funeral parlor and after the
service, lingered behind and fell into conversation with the
undertaker. After a bit, the undertaker asked how old he was.
“Ninety-seven,” was the reply. “Hardly worth it for you to go
home, is it?” asked the undertaker.
</p>
<p>
Two golfers were on the links, and one of them kept missing the
ball, slicing, hooking, doing something wrong every time.
The other yelled at him to “Keep your head down, keep your head
down.” Each time the first golfer lost a stroke the other would
say, “Keep your head down.” Finally the man got so disgusted
that he announced he would jump into the water hazard and drown.
“You’ll never drown,” said the other. “You can�t keep your head down!”
</p>
<p>
A man telephoned a friend and reached the friend’s six-year-old
daughter. “Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” the little
girl said, in a whisper. “Can I talk to him?” “No.” “Can I
talk to your mommy?” “No.” “Why not?” “They’re busy.” “How
about your two older brothers?” “They’re busy.” “You mean to
tell me that four people besides you are in the house and they’re
all busy? What are they doing?” “Looking for me!”
</p>
<p>
A teenage boy had a speech impediment and couldn’t pronounce the
letter R, so his mother took him to a speech therapist. The
therapist gave him a sentence to practice on, “Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” A week later
the kid went back and the therapist asked him to repeat the sentence,
to which the boy replied, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because
he didn’t cook the bunny enough.”
</p>
<p>
A man in his mid-fifties went walking along a road and heard a
small voice call out, “Can you help me?” It turned out to be
a talking frog, who explained, “I’ve been put under a spell
but am really a beautiful woman. If you kiss me, I’ll return
to my real self and will please you in every way.” The man
picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and continued walking.
“Hey,” said the frog, “aren’t you going to kiss me?” “At my age,”
said the man, “a talking frog is more interesting.”
</p>
<p>Hollywood kid to classmate: �My father can beat up your father.�
Classmate: �Are you kidding? My father <i>is</i> your father.�
</p>
<p>
A kindergarten teacher asked a pupil to draw a picture of a
horse and cart, after which the kid handed in a drawing of
a horse. “What about the cart?” asked the teacher. “Oh,”
answered the child, “the horse will draw the cart.”
</p>
<p>
Four college students weren’t prepared for an exam, and
decided to skip it and ask for a make-up exam, explaining to
the professor that their car had a flat tire on the way to
class that day. The professor agreed to a make-up, at which
time he seated the four students in separate corners of the
room and wrote one exam question on the chalkboard. The
question was, “Which tire?”</p>
<p>
A divorced woman with a ten-year-old son married a man who didn’t
seem to like children too much. She had to be away for a week on
a business trip, which meant that the boy would be alone with the
man, and she was worried about a conflict. On her return, she
asked the boy, “How did you get along with your new step-father?”
“Great!” said the kid. “It was wonderful! Every day he took me
swimming, out to the middle of the lake and I swam back.” “Isn’t
that a long way to swim for a boy your age?” “Oh no,” said the boy.
“The only hard part was getting out of the bag!”
</p>
<p>
A businessman who passed a mental hospital on his way to work
used to stop every once in a while to watch one of the inmates
going through the motions of winding up and pitching an
imaginary ball. A friend asked the businessman what he found
so interesting about the man’s performance. “Well,” came the
answer, “if things keep going the way they are, I’ll be there
some day catching for that guy, and I want to get on to his
curves.”
</p>
<p>
Did you hear about the knight whose horse, the last one in
the kingdom, lay down and died of exhaustion so he couldn’t
get an important message to the king? The only thing the
serfs could offer him was an old swayback dog, to which
the knight responded, “I wouldn’t put a knight out on a dog
like this!”
</p>
<p>
Quote from Abe Lincoln: “[Being president] is about as
easy as shoveling fleas.”
</p>
<p>
A man finished a meal in a restaurant and said to the waiter,
“I want to compliment you on your clean kitchen,” to which the
waiter responded, “But you never saw the kitchen; how do you
know it’s clean?” “It has to be,” replied the man,
“everything tastes like soap.”
</p>
<p>
A horse went into a bar and the bartender asked, “Hey
buddy, why the long face?”
</p>
<p>
Two men were talking about the stock market and one said,
“My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost
everything.” “Really?” said the other one. “Yep,”
replied the first, “some guy jumped out of a building and
landed on his pushcart.”
</p>
<p>
A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his
new fianc�e that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing
but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but
had stopped doing it. “Well,” said the man, “that just
proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!”
</p>
<p>
A man came home to find his wife with bags packed and on her way
to the airport, saying she was going to Las Vegas. “I just
found out I can earn four hundred dollars a time for what I give
you free,” she said. “Wait, I’m coming with you,“ said the man.
“I want to see how you can live on eight hundred dollars a year!”
</p>
<p>
“Why did you marry your husband?” asked the neighborhood
gossip. “You don’t seem to have too much in common.”
“It was the old story of opposites attracting each other,”
the woman explained. “I was pregnant and he wasn’t.”
</p>
<p>
Graffiti seen outside a magic shop: “All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”
</p>
<p>
A man’s greatest achievement was his brood of six children.
In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his
wife “Mother of Six,” despite her continual objections. One
night at a cocktail party, the man decided it was time to go
home and shouted across the room, “Shall we go home, Mother
of Six?” His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time
you’re ready, Father of Four.”
</p>
<p>
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the man
led the way into the den. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one
of his guests asked. “That�s the talking clock,” the man
replied. “How does it work?” “Watch,” the man said, giving it
an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the
other side of the den wall screamed, “Knock it off, jerk! It’s
two a.m.!”
</p>
<p>
“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees
for noise abatement.” “Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re
at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir,”
the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes
when it hits a 747?”
</p>
<p>
A man went to a dentist to have his upper plate repaired. The
dentist commented that the plate was all corroded and rotted,
and asked what the man had been eating. “My wife is crazy about
hollandaise sauce,” he replied. “We have it all the time.“
“That could do it,” said the dentist. “Hollandaise is acidic
and corrosive, but I’ll make the new plate out of chrome.”
“Chrome?” asked the patient in disbelief. “Sure,” replied the
dentist, “everyone knows there�s no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise.”
</p>
<p>
Years after giving up on motherhood, a 65-year-old woman had a
baby with the help of a fertility specialist. All the relatives
came to visit, but when they asked to see the baby, the mother
held them off. Finally, after about an hour of this, the mother
allowed that they could see the baby when it cried. “Why do we
have to wait until she cries?” asked one. “Because,” answered
the mother, “I forgot where I put her.”
</p>
<p>
A salesman had to leave the country on business and gave the
job of keeping an eye on his wife to his best friend, leaving
instructions to notify him immediately should anything out of
the ordinary occur. After a week of no news, the businessman
got an e-mail saying, “You said to notify you of any changes.
The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show
up yesterday.”
</p>
<p>
A sports writer went up to a trainer and asked, “You
planning to race your horse today?” The trainer replied,
“You bet I am, and I think I can beat him.”
</p>
<p>
An old man was on his death bed, breathing his last, when he
smelled chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. He
loved chocolate chip cookies, and before he died he wanted
one, so he painfully crawled out of bed and into the kitchen
with all his remaining strength. He was about to grab a cookie
when his wife slapped him with a spatula. “What�s that about?”
he asked feebly, and his wife replied, “Those are for the funeral!”
</p>
<p>
An old guy was driving down the highway when his car phone rang.
It was his wife, who said, “They just reported a car driving
the wrong way on the Interstate,” she said. “Please be careful.”
“Heck,” replied the man, “it’s not one car:
there’s hundreds of them!”
</p>
<p>
Mohandas Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He alse ate very little, which him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super
callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
</p>
<p>
A duck went into a drugstore to buy some lip gloss. “Will that
be cash or charge?” asked the pharmacist. “Neither,” replied
the duck, “just put it on my bill.”
</p>
<p>
A professor went into a drugstore and asked for some
acetylsalicylic acid. “Do you mean aspirin?” asked the
pharmacist. “That’s right,” replied the professor. “I can
never remember that word.”
</p>
<p>
Two guys were out chopping wood when one of them cut his arm off.
The other packed the arm in a plastic bag and rushed his friend
to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just
been developed and we can reattach the arm in four hours. Come
back then.” The guy came back to find his friend throwing darts
with the reattached arm. A few months later, the guys were out
chopping wood again when one of them cut his leg off. The other
packed the leg in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor,
who said, “You�re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed
and we can reattach the arm in six hours. Come back then.” The
guy came back to find his friend kicking soccer balls with the
reattached leg. Still later, the guys were out chopping wood
again when one of them cut his head off. The other packed the head
in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said,
“You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we
can reattach the head in twelve hours. Come back then.” The guy
came back, but the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but your friend is dead.
He suffocated in the plastic bag!”
</p>
<p>
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact
on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
looked in the mirror and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde said, “Here, let me see!” looked in the mirror
and said, “You dummy, it’s me!”</p>
<p>
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him
in the arms of a redhead. The blonde opened her purse to
take out the gun, and as she did so was overcome with grief.
She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend;
yelled, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replied,
“Shut up, you’re next!”
</p>
<p>
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead, ask me, I know
all of them.” A friend said, “OK, what�s the capital of
Wisconsin?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that�s easy: W.”
</p>
<p>What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
</p>
<p>
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the
state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. �Your
car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an
elephant. Are you OK, ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine,”
the blonde chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?”
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer,
it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up
in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another
tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ....” “Uh, ma’am,” the
officer said, cutting her off, “There isn�t a tree on this road
for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back
and forth.”
</p>
<p>
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher
broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her
hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!”
</p>
<p>
During the Nazi invasion of Czechoslovakia, a dwarf was
caught in a village square with no place to hide. He ran into
a shop and asked the shopkeeper, “Can you cache a small
Czech?”
</p>
<p>
Two people were discussing the Final Exit, when one of
them said, “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.”
</p>
<p>
QUESTION: What�s the difference between doctors and God?<br>
ANSWER: God knows he�s not a doctor.
</p>
<p>
The answer is “Chicken Teriyaki.” What’s the question?
“Name the only pilot to survive the kamikaze missions.”</p>
<p>
QUESTION: What�s the best thing to throw to a drowning man?<br>
ANSWER: Soap, so he can wash up ashore.
</p>
<p>
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation
and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and
course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building,
flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up
in the helicopter window. The pilot’s sign said, “Where am I?”
in large letters. The people in the tall building quickly responded
to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their
building. Their sign read, “You are in a helicopter.” The pilot
smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to
the airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground,
the copilot asked the pilot how the “You are in a helicopter”
sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I
knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to
their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but
completely useless answer!”
</p>
<p>
A man went into a bar during the middle of an afternoon to
find the place totally deserted, not a soul in sight except the
bartender. Shortly, he heard a small voice saying, “Hey, that’s
really a nice haircut. You must have a good stylist.” After a
few more minutes, the voice said, “Boy, that’s a good-looking
shirt. You must have paid a lot for it.” A half-hour went by,
and the voice said, “You know, you’re really a handsome man.
You should do modeling.” At this point the man said to the
bartender, “What’s going on here?” The bartender
replied, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
</p>
<p>
Two guys were drinking in the Rainbow Room at the top of the
RCA building in New York City, eight-six floors above the
street, when one of them mentioned that the air currents were
so strong at that altitude a man could jump off the roof and be
blown back into the building, suffering no damage. The other
couldn’t believe that, so the first jumped out a window, flew
around the building, and came back in. The second man, at
that, tried it and immediately fell to his death. The bartender
turned to the first man and said, “You’re a mean drunk,
Superman!”
</p>
<p>
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, �Come over and help out.
I’ve got a jigsaw puzzle I can’t figure out. According to the
box, it’s a picture of a tiger.” The boyfriend arrived, studied
the pieces carefully for a while, then studied the box intently.
After a while he said, “Put the pieces back. This is a box of
breakfast cereal.”
</p>
<p>
On opening a new shop, a man received a bouquet of flowers
with a note reading, “Deepest Sympathy.” While puzzling over
this, the phone rang. It was the florist, who apologized for
having sent the wrong card, to which the shopkeeper replied,
“That’s all right. I understand mistakes happen.” “But it’s
not all right,” said the florist. “I sent your card to the new
widow. It said, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”
</p>
<p>
Six guys were playing poker when Smith lost $500 on a single
hand, clutched his heart, and dropped dead. The others
discussed the best way to handle this, when Jones offered to
tell the widow. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I’ll be discreet.”
He went to the widow’s house and said to her, “Your husband
just lost $500 in a poker game.” The woman was furious and
yelled, “Tell him to drop dead!” To that, Jones replied, “I’ll tell him.”
</p>
<p>
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf one
morning and were waiting for an especially slow foursome.
Finally the greenskeeper came around and the priest asked
why the group was so slow. The greenskeeper replied that
they were a group of blind firefighters who had lost their
sight saving the clubhouse, and out of gratitude the club
allowed them to play free whenever they wanted. The priest
said he would say a special prayer for them that night, the
doctor mentioned that he had a friend who was an ophthalmologist
and he would ask if help was available, and the engineer said,
“Why can’t these guys play at night?”
</p>
<p>
A lady was called for jury duty, but asked to be excused because
she didn’t believe in capital punishment. The public defender
explained, “This is not a murder trial but a simple civil lawsuit.
A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he
gambled away the twelve thousand dollars they had saved to
remodel the kitchen.” “Well, okay,” agreed the lady, “I’ll serve.
I guess capital punishment is all right after all!”
</p>
<p>
A man went skydiving for the first time, and after five seconds
in the air he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried
again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his
backup chute and pulled that cord. Nothing happened. Suddenly,
he looked down and saw a man going up! Just as the other guy
passed by, the skydiver yelled, “Hey, do you know anything about
skydiving?” The other guy yelled back, “Heck no! Do you know
anything about lighting gas stoves?”
</p>
<p>
A woman snuck off to visit a fortune teller, who told her,
“Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
The woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and asked,
“Will I be acquitted?”
</p>
<p>
A judge asked the defendant to please stand. “You are charged
with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From the
gallery, a man shouted, “Liar!” “Silence in the court!”
the judge yelled. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are
also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” “Tightwad!”
the same man in the gallery blurted out. “I said quiet!” yelled
the judge. To the defendant, “You are also charged with killing a
mailman with an electric drill.” “You jerk!” the man from the
gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the man in the galley,
“If you don’t tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts,
I’ll hold you in contempt!” The man answered back, “I’ve lived
beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had
a tool when I needed to borrow one?”
</p>
<p>
A blonde decided one day she was sick and tired of blonde jokes,
so to show her husband that blondes can be smart she decided to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. Her husband came home
the next day and found her lying on the floor next to an open
paint can. She was wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the
same time. He revived her and asked, “Why do you have a ski
jacket and a fur coat on?” “Well,” she answered, “I was reading
the directions on the paint can and it said for best results,
put on two coats.”
</p>
<p>
A man was out drinking with a friend when he suddenly lurched
backward off his barstool, fell to the floor, and lay motionless.
“One thing about my buddy, here,” the friend said proudly to the
bartender, “Nobody can say he doesn’t know when to stop!”
</p>
<p>
At a party, a middle-aged man was referring to his wife in
terms such as “my sweetheart,” “my darling,” and the like,
when another man came over and said he was impressed with
this show of love from someone who’d obviously been married
a long time. “Well, to tell you the truth,” said the first
man, “for the last ten years I haven’t been able to remember
her name!”
</p>
<p>
<span style="color:#FF0000;">
Apologies to Native Americans for this one, but it doesn�t
work otherwise:</span>
</p>
<p>
It was the custom in a certain Indian reservation for families
to be known by animal associations. The hippopotamus squaw
was old with the children all gone, but the bear squaw and the
elephant squaw each had one son left. One day the son of the
bear squaw and the son of the elephant squaw got into a fight,
and the hippopotamus squaw tried to stop it. After a while an
elder of the tribe came along and broke the fight up, declaring
the contest a draw. The moral of this story is that the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the
other two hides.
</p>
<p>
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see
you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde
returned, she�d lost nearly twenty pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!”
the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?“ The blonde
nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”
</p>
<p>
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her, “There’s a way to make the
car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn�t matter,”
replied the blonde, “if only I can sell the car.” “Okay,” said the
brunette. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine who owns a
garage. Tell him I sent you and he’ll turn the counter in your car
back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell
your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to
the mechanic. About a month after that, the brunette asked the
blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, �why
should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
</p>
<p>
A blonde went for a walk. She came to a river and saw another
blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo” she shouted, “how can
I get to the other side?” The second blonde shouted back,
“You are on the other side.”
</p>
<p>
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of
tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks and the other
said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when
the train hit them.
</p>
<p>
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked
her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing
a shirt and the phone rang�but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” “Oh my!”
the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But what happened to your other
ear?” “The jerk called back!”
</p>
<p>
In medieval England, it was the custom for the heir to the throne
to wear a fancy ruffled collar known as a ruff. One particular
heir wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a dandy ruff, which
blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling. This
proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.
</p>
<p>
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit to
check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a
young man leaning lazily against a post. “Just how much are you
being paid a week?” said the owner angrily. “Three hundred bucks,”
replied the young man. Taking out a wad of bills from his wallet,
the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands,
and said “Here’s a week’s pay — now get out and don’t come back!”
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has that lazy
bum been working here anyway?” “He doesn’t work here,“ said the
supervisor. “He was just here to deliver a pizza!”
</p>
<p>
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming.
Finally, about three a.m., there was her husband, drunk as a skunk,
trying to navigate the stairs. “Do you realize what time it is?”
she yelled. He answered, “Don’t get excited. I’m late because I
bought something for the house.” Immediately her attitude changed,
and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, “What
did you buy for the house, dear?” His answer was, “A round of drinks!”
</p>
<p>
A man was at the doctor’s and while there mentioned that he thought
his wife was getting hard of hearing. Here’s what to do,“ said the
doctor. “Call her name from across the room when she’s not looking
at you, then get closer and closer, calling her name, and let me know
what happened.” So the man waited until his wife was working in the
kitchen and called “Jane!” from across the room. There was no
response, so he moved in closer, calling “Jane!” each time. Finally
he put his arms on her shoulders, and she turned around and said,
“What do you want? I’ve answered you four times already!”
</p>
<p>
A man is trapped on a raft with a pack of cigarettes but no matches,
and is dying for a smoke. How does he solve the problem? He takes
one cigarette out of the pack and throws it overboard, which makes the
whole raft a cigarette lighter.
</p>
<p>
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said
he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both. If
you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you’re spending time with
the other, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
</p>
<p>
A wizard turned a frog into
a beautiful young woman and took
her out on a date. At the restaurant,
the woman asked the waiter for a plate of dead flies.
</p>
<p>
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one
day. �In English,� he said, �A double
negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative.� A
voice from the back of the room piped up, �Yeah, right.�
</p>
<p>
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, �I feel
terrible Please examine me and tell me
what�s wrong with me.� �Let�s begin with
a few questions,� said the doctor, �Do you drink much?�
�I�m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.� �How about smoking?�
asked the doctor. �Never,� replied the
man �Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it.� �Well, uh,�
asked the doctor, �do you have much sex life?� �Oh, no,� said the man. �Sex is
sin. I�m in bed by ten-thirty every
night.� The doctor paused and asked,
�Well, do you have pains in your head?� �Yes,� said the man. �I have
terrible pains in my head.� �That�s
your trouble,� said the doctor. Your
halo is on too tight.�
</p>
<p>
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel
Philharmonic. He was admiring the
unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor
throughout the building. Finally he
turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author. �No,� his friend
said, �it�s named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.� �Really? I never heard of him.
What did he write?� �A check.�
</p>
<p>
A blonde went to a job agency and got a job painting lines
down the middle of the road. She took
her paint can and brush and began painting lines down the road.
The first day she painted five miles of roadway,
the next day she painted three miles, and on the third day just one mile of
roadway. On the fourth day, her boss
asked why her work was deteriorating. �I�m
sorry sir,� she replied, �but every day the paint can just keeps getting
further and further away!�
</p>
<p>
Exhausted from driving, a traveling salesman pulled over to
get some sleep. But the place he chose
happened to be a street used heavily for jogging. The salesman had
barely gotten comfortable when a jogger knocked
on his window, asking, �Excuse me, but do you have the time?�
The man looked at the clock and answered, �8:15.�
The jogger said thanks and left.
After a while there was another knock on the
window and another jogger. �Excuse me,
sir, do you have the time?� �8:25!�The
jogger said thanks and left. The man
could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before he would be disturbed again, so he put a sign in the window saying, �I
do not know the time!� Again he settled
back to sleep, and was just dozing off when there was a knock on the window. �Sir?
It�s 8:45!�
</p>
<p>
A couple wanted to adopt a baby and finally the adoption
center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy. On the
way home from the adoption center,
they stopped by the local college so they could enroll in night courses. After
filling out the forms, the clerk asked,
�Why do you want to study Russian?� The
couple said proudly, �We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he�ll
start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.�
</p>
<p>
An overweight man decided it was time to shed some excess
pounds. Taking his new diet seriously,
he even changed his route to avoid a bakery. One morning, however,
he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. �This is a very special coffeecake,� he
explained. �I accidentally drove by the
bakery this morning and there were so many goodies in the window I felt it was
not an accident. I prayed, �Lord, if
you want me to have one of those coffeecakes, let me have a parking place
directly in front of the bakery. Sure
enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!�
</p>
<p>
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter
clearer, he said, �Now, boys, if I stood on my head would run into it, and I
would turn red in the face. Why is it
that while I am standing upright the blood doesn�t run into my feet?�
A student shouted, �Cause yer feet ain�t empty.�
</p>
<p>
A hospital director, an engineering company
president, and a Microsoft executive were discussing which profession had to be
the oldest. The hospital guy said that
medicine was the oldest because God created Eve from Adam�s rib, a medical procedure.
The engineer said that creating the Garden of
Eden out of chaos was an engineering job. The Microsoft executive said, �Ah,
but who created the chaos?�
</p>
<p>
A baby was born without a body, but when he was ten years
old he heard about a new procedure in which an electrode was stuck in the brain
and it would cause a body to grow. So
the parents took the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, a few hours later,
the kid grew a torso, legs, and arms. On the way out, he was so excited about his
new body that he ran across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
The father turned to the mother and said, �He should have quit while he
was a head!�
</p>
<p>
There were three finalists for a position as a CIA agent: two
men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. �We
must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what they are.
Inside this room is your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!� The man said, �You can�t be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.� The agent said, �You don�t have what it takes.
Go home.� The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his
eyes. �I tried, but I can�t kill my wife.� The agent said, �You don�t have what it takes.
Go home.� Finally, it was the woman�s turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another,
then screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. All was quiet after a few minutes.
The door opened slowly and the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow, said, �This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.�
</p>
<p>
Three old guys were walking
down the street when one said, �Windy, isn�t it?�
The second one said, �No, it�s Thursday!� The third one said, �So am I.
Let�s go get a beer!�
</p>
<p>
A man was telling his neighbor, �I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it�s state of the art.� �Really,�
answered the neighbor. �What kind is it?� �Twelve thirty.�
</p>
<p>
An eighty-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor
spoke to him and said, �You're really doing great, aren�t you?�
The guy replied, �Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.’� The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,
'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.��
</p>
<p>
An elderly gent was invited
to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms: honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost seventy years. While the wife was in
the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, �I think it�s
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those
loving pet names.� The old man hung his head. �I have to tell you the truth,�
he said, �I forgot her name about ten years ago.�
</p>
<p>A small boy was sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, �Da-ad....�
�What?� �I�m thirsty.� Can you bring me a
drink of water?�� �No.� You had your chance.� Lights out.�
Five minutes later, �Da-aaaad.....� �WHAT?�� �I�m THIRSTY.
Can I have a drink of water??�� �I told you NO!�� If you ask
again, I�ll have to spank you!!�� Five
minutes later...... �Daaaa-aaaad.....�� �WHAT!�
�When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?�
</p>
<p>An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, �How do you expect to get into Heaven?�
The boy thought it over and said, �Well,
I�ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter
says, �For Heaven�s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!��
</p>
<p>There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.� When
asked to define �great� he said, �I want to write stuff that the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level.� Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and
howl in pain and anger!�� He now works
for Microsoft, writing error messages.
</p>
<p>A man went into a gas station at the edge of town and asked the
fastest way to get downtown. “Are you driving or walking?” asked
the attendant. “Driving.” “That’s the fastest way.”
</p>
<p>�I�m ashamed of you,� the mother said. �Fighting with your best friend is a
terrible thing to do!� �He threw a rock
at me!� the boy said. �So I threw one
at him.� The mother stated
emphatically, �When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.�
The boy quickly replied, �What good would
that have done? My aim is much better
than yours.�
</p>
<p>A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all
the drinks consumed, the man got up to leave. �S�cuse me,� said a
customer who was puzzled over what the guy
had done, �what was that all about?� �Nothing,� replied the man,
�my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives.�
</p>
<p>
After a college boy delivered a pizza to a local man�s home,
the man asked, �What�s the usual tip?� �Well,� replied the youth, �This
is my first trip out here, but the
other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I�ll be doing great.�
�Is that so?� snorted the man. �Well, just to show them how wrong they are,
here�s five dollars.� �Thanks,� replied
the youth, �I�ll put this in my school fund.�
�What are you studying?� asked the man. The lad smiled and said, �Applied psychology.�
</p>
<p>A man took his
pet canary to a vet, who proclaimed it dead. The man didn�t believe him,
so the vet called his cat over. The cat sniffed at the bird and walked away,
after which the vet�s dog,
a black Labrador retriever, checked the bird out and showed no interest.
Finally the man accepted the truth and asked how much he owed.
�Two hundred dollars,� said the vet, �including the cat scan and
the lab work.�
</p>
<p>A man had great tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, another man
came up and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. �No,� said
the man, �the seat is empty.� �Incredible!� said the other man. �Who in their right
mind would have a seat like this and not use it?� The first man replied, �The seat
was for my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven�t
been to together since we got married.� �I�m sorry to hear that. But couldn�t
you have found someone else, a friend or relative, to go with you?" �No. They�re
all at the funeral.�
</p>
<p>
A couple from Minneapolis decided to thaw out in Florida during one particularly
nasty winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
twenty-some years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew down on Thursday,
with his wife flying in the following day. There was a computer in the husband�s
hotel room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband�s funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart
attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and
friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow�s son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:<br>
To: My Loving Wife<br>
Subject: I�ve Arrived<br>
I know you�re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I�ve just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.<br>
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
</p>
<p>
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in
their old neighborhood and were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.
They walked down the street to their old school and held hands as they
found the old desk they�d shared and where he had carved, �I love you,
Sally.� On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored
car practically at their feet. She
quickly picked it up and they took it home. It was fifty thousand dollars. The
husband said, �We�ve got to give it back,� but she said, �Finders
keepers.� The next day, two FBI men
were going door to door in the neighborhood looking for the money and came to
their home, asking, �Did either of you find any money that fell out of an
armored car yesterday?� She said,
�No,� but the husband said, �She�s lying. She hid it up in the attic.� She
replied, �Don�t believe him, he�s getting senile.� The agents began to question the old man, one saying,
�Tell us the story from the beginning.� The
old man replied, �Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday...� The agent looked at his partner and said, �We�re outta here!�
</p>
<p>
A Czechoslovakian hunter and his French partner were in the midst of a safari when they happened upon two hungry lions, a male and his mate.
A furious battle ensued, in which the hunters were both killed and each lion ate a hunter.
Far off atop a hill, a Shepard had witnessed the whole battle. He ran home, grabbed his rifle, and returned to slay both lions.
After descending the hill, he first cut open the female lion and discovered the remains of the Frenchman
inside. �That settles it,� said the shepard, �The Czech�s in the male.�
</p>
<p>
A hunter was traveling on his home when his car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but finally, frozen half to death, he reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. �Why sure, young fella,
I can give ya a place to bunk,� said the hospitable old man. �But I got no daughter or wife for ya to sleep with,
like ya always hear about in them jokes.� �Oh,� said the hunter, �How far is it to the next house?�
</p>
<p>
A woodsman who lived by himself heard a knock at the door of his cabin. He opened it to see a giant mosquito standing there.
The bug was over six feet tall and grabbed the guy, beating the crap out of him and leaving him in a bloody heap on the floor.
The guy managed to drag himself to the nearest emergency room where the doctor patched him up.
The woodsman told about the giant mosquito and the doctor nodded his head like he knew all about the beast.
The woodsman asked the doctor what he should do, and the doctor said, �You need to set up some high hurdles,
a rope climb, and then lay a dozen or more tires across your front yard.� The woodsman looked bewildered
and asked the doctor, �Why?� The doc replied, �With a nasty bug like that going around, you just have to let it run its course.�
</p>
<p>
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She
held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his
slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. �Becky my darling,�
he whispered. �Hush my love,� she said. "Rest, don�t talk." He was insistent. �Becky,�
he said in his tired voice, �I have something that I must confess.� �There�s nothing to
confess,� replied the weeping Becky, everything�s all right, go to sleep.� �No, no, I must
die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your
mother!� �I know, my sweet one,� whispered Becky, �relax and let the poison work.�
</p>
<p>
A man found himself in a city where an old friend lived, and decided to call the
person. After some conversation, the friend agreed to meet the man where
he was, since as a resident he knew the city better. �Where are you
now?� the friend asked. The man looked up and replied, �I�m on the
corner of Walk and Don�t Walk!�
</p>
<p>
A husband and wife were sitting in the living room and the husband said, �I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.� So
the wife turned off the game and threw out the husband�s beer.
</p>
<p>
In medieval England a knight got lost in the fog in the middle of the night and finally came upon an inn called <i>St. George and the Dragon</i>.
He pounded on the door, a window upstairs opened, and a lady yelled at the knight, �You have a lot of nerve disturbing us at this hour, we�re trying to sleep!�
On and on she went, finally slamming the window shut. The knight banged on the door again and when the lady poked her head out he said, �Now may I speak to St. George?�
</p>
<p>
Please accept Atlantic Rim�s apologies from some of these jokes!</p>
</span>
<!--msnavigation--></td></tr><!--msnavigation--></table></body>
</html>