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				<p class="MsoNormal"><b>
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;
color:black">A <a name="Special">Special</a> Question and Answer on Sleep</span></b><span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				<br>
				In one issue of the e-newsletter, I asked readers for their 
				answers to the following questions about sleep. Selected answers 
				are below. <br>
				<br>
				1. When your children were babies, what methods did you try to 
				help them fall asleep, stay asleep, and sleep through the night?
				<br>
				2. How well (or not) did these methods work? <br>
				3. How did you learn these methods? Books (which books?), 
				intuition, your parents, friends, pediatrician advice? <br>
				</span>
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;
color:black">4. Do you have any particular stories of successes or disasters 
				about sleep? <br>
				5. As your children became toddlers and preschoolers, did you 
				(or they) deal with sleep any differently? <br>
				6. If you have school aged children, how do they sleep now? <br>
				7. We are particularly interested in the relationship between 
				sleeping and crying, so do you have any stories about that?</span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Here are a few highlights from the observations and stories 
				readers sent in as responses to those questions: </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				&quot;One thing I always did with my babies was massage. After their 
				baths, I would lay them on the floor on a towel and gently 
				massage their naked little bodies with baby oil. As time went 
				on, they would smell the baby oil and literally relax. It was 
				almost Pavlovian!....One night I was giving my little boy a baby 
				oil massage after his bath and I was singing his lullaby to him. 
				My 14 year old daughter came in and asked for a massage which I 
				hadn't given her in years. As I massaged her back she said, 'How 
				come you only sing to him and not to me?' So as I gave her the 
				backrub I sang her special lullaby from when she was a baby. 
				Afterwards she said, 'Thanks, Mom, that was nice.&quot; I said to 
				her, 'Honey, if you want, I can sing to you every night at 
				bedtime like I used to do.' She looked at me in horror. 'Mom!&quot; 
				she cried. 'We had a special moment there. Don't ruin it!' I 
				guess the lesson is, take each special moment and cherish it.&quot;
				</span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				&quot;Our 10 year old falls asleep on her own, and when she can't 
				it's usually because something is 'heavy' on her mind. Now I 
				recognize that and use it as an opportunity to listen and try to 
				zone in on what's bothering her, even if it is way past her 
				bedtime.&quot; </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				&quot;I found that building 'special time' into the day or evening 
				helps with bedtime. Many times, kids don't want us to leave 
				their bed or their room because it's the first moment they've 
				gotten us all to themselves all day. They're warm, cozy and 
				sleepy and what a nice peaceful feeling it is laying near mom 
				and dad as they drift off to sleep. [if they can't get that at 
				bedtime then] special time fills in nicely.&quot; [Note-for more info 
				about special time, see Playful Parenting chapter 9, or go to 
				www.parentleaders.org] </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				&quot;I often felt that not getting the kids to sleep through the 
				night was one of my big failures as a parent. However, one night 
				I was reading the picture book Time for Bed to my four year old, 
				and while looking at the pictures of all the animal mothers 
				putting their animal babies to bed, I realized that humans were 
				the only animals who put their babies to sleep all alone from 
				birth....I started to think about all the times I read that 
				babies don't need to eat during the night after four months, so 
				that any waking after that is 'only for security.' Well, isn't 
				that important too? I know if I were crying, alone and in the 
				dark, I'd want someone to let me know everything was okay, too. 
				Imagine crying for someone to comfort you, and nobody does, not 
				even your mother. So now I don't worry about it so much. Sleep 
				is overrated. Thomas Edison said the human body only needs four 
				hours of sleep a night. And he wasn't even a mother!&quot;</span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal"><b>
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Summary of the informal sleep survey, along with my comments. 
				Some of the quotes have been slightly edited for length. </span>
				</b>
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Verdana;color:black">Thanks for all the answers to the sleep 
				questions. I learned from you that many parents are quite 
				passionate about sleep--because of their parenting philosophies 
				and because of the desperation that comes from lack of sleep. 
				Several people said they ignored advice that didn't make sense 
				to them, for example, &quot;Both our son and our daughter were rocked 
				to sleep, despite reading various sources stating that was a bad 
				thing. For who, I wonder.&quot; A lot of you described the importance 
				of knowing your child, and realizing that what worked for one 
				child often didn't work for the next. For example: &quot;My son crabs 
				before bed but [unlike my daughter] it's so rare for him to 
				really cry hard after I close the door that I always go back and 
				check on him, as it is a sure sign that something's actually 
				wrong.&quot; </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				As for methods, there was a big split between the &quot;let them cry 
				it out&quot; group and the &quot;comfort group.&quot; Many people had tried the 
				method of letting babies cry alone in their cribs or beds for 
				increasing amounts of time before going in to comfort them. This 
				is commonly called the Ferber method, after Dr. Ferber's popular 
				book. Survey respondents had mixed results with this method. 
				Some said it worked perfectly, and that their children now sleep 
				beautifully. Others said it worked, but their children 
				now--years later--have trouble sleeping. (This is in line with 
				what I have seen in my practice--when parents of school-age 
				children say their kids have sleep problems, I have found that 
				they were almost all &quot;successfully Ferberized&quot; as babies.) A 
				number of people said that the crying method worked, but it was 
				very difficult for them emotionally to listen to the crying 
				outside the door and not rush in to provide comfort. </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Among the people who tried the Ferber method, about half gave up 
				because they couldn't handle listening to the crying, or because 
				it simply didn't work. Some said it worked for one child but not 
				their next child. At the other end of the spectrum, there were 
				many responses from people who used nursing, co-sleeping, or 
				both, as their main sleeping technique. For the most part, 
				people who used these methods found them very effective, but 
				some had difficulty with night weaning or with getting a good 
				night's sleep themselves. </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				The very idea of the cry-alone technique was enough to bring out 
				very strong feelings in some parents: &quot;My children have never, 
				ever been left to cry alone or to cry themselves to sleep. I 
				find this practice cruel. All the crying infant knows or feels 
				is their sadness and their need for a person they love. To deny 
				them that is not filling a basic need. That being said, I find 
				that having a good cry in my arms before bed often gives them a 
				much better night's sleep. Something about the evening: the 
				darkness, the warmth of mom or dad's body nearby, the undivided 
				attention, offers the child an opportunity to share what was 
				hard during the day.&quot; Of course, we need to balance that strong 
				feeling of protection for the child's emotional needs with the 
				parents' emotional need for sleep. </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Speaking of parents' needs, I think it is important to recognize 
				that WE need snuggling and connection with our kids as much as 
				they need it with us. As one mom said in the survey, after 
				explaining why the Ferber method didn't work for her: &quot;It just 
				seemed to make more sense to comfort them, and even if we 
				snuggled them to sleep every night, we were sure they'd grow out 
				of it before they went to high school. And sure enough, finally 
				my ten year old will hardly let me pat her to sleep anymore, and 
				I miss it because it was a good time for us to chat. So I'm glad 
				I did it for so long even though it was frustrating at times 
				when I was sleepy or had other things to do.&quot; </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Aside from the nurse, co-sleep (family bed) or the cry it out 
				alone methods, parents suggested some specific ideas. One was a 
				matter of fact attitude of, &quot;I patted them on the back and told 
				them to go back to sleep.&quot; One parent described using massage as 
				part of a nightly ritual: &quot;As time went on, they would smell the 
				baby oil and literally relax, it was almost Pavlovian!&quot; Another 
				helpful hint was to not run in to the baby at every tiny sound 
				(a condition I call &quot;baby-monitoritis&quot;). A few parents noted 
				that special time during the day (one-on-one time with each 
				child, letting them be in charge of the play) helped a lot when 
				it came to bedtime. Finally, some parents of older kids (5-10) 
				described giving children some control over bedtime--such as 
				setting a fixed time for being in bed, but letting the child 
				read or play quietly for as long as she wants before turning out 
				the light. </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				To return to the controversy between comforting children versus 
				letting them cry it out alone, I would like to propose an 
				alternative. I tend to agree with the parents above who don't 
				think it's right to leave children alone when they are horribly 
				unhappy and need us so badly. But many children do have a 
				backlog of uncried tears that they need to release before they 
				can relax and go to sleep. And parents have a need to get some 
				sleep themselves, not dedicate their entire life to the child's 
				bedtime ritual. Children need feelings of independence and 
				competence, not just safety and security. So my suggestion is to 
				let them cry if they need to, but in your arms, not alone in 
				their cribs or behind a locked door. Tell them you are going to 
				leave, but if they start to cry, then hold them until they are 
				done. This may take an hour or two the first couple of times you 
				try it, but if they get through the full expression of their 
				tears (which they can only do if they are with someone safe, not 
				alone), then they will fall asleep happily. </span></p>
				<p class="MsoNormal">
				<span style="font-size:10.0pt;font-family:Verdana;color:black">
				Here's an example from a family friend of mine who happened to 
				run into me just as she was at the end of her rope with her 
				toddler's sleep difficulties: &quot;Recently we were having problems 
				getting our two year old daughter to sleep in her own room. We 
				weren't able to even get her INTO her room without major 
				problems and crying and throwing up. I decided to go online and 
				do some research. I found a link to Dr. Ferber's book and read 
				from it and then got the book at the library. I realized that 
				while crying it out wasn't something my husband and I liked, we 
				were at our wits end and willing to try anything. Then at a 
				family gathering, Larry mentioned letting her cry but with one 
				of us present, not leaving her alone to 'fend for herself', but 
				also not getting into an endless power struggle. He suggested 
				that crying was necessary but the strong security we were 
				providing by being with her while she cried would go much 
				further in the long run. Well, we took that advice and also some 
				information I read about a 'sleep fairy' and I tried it. I told 
				her she would be sleeping in her room, that we would read one 
				book, brush our teeth, and then I was going to sit by her bed 
				until she fell asleep. We tried it, it worked. That was well 
				over a month ago, and we still are going strong. There have been 
				a few nights where she wakes up and wants to come in our room, 
				and as a last resort, we will allow it. But it doesn't change 
				our routine of her going to bed in her room.' </span><br>
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						<font size="1" face="Verdana"><b>Larry Cohen</b><br>
						phone: 617-713-0568</font><p style="margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0">
				<font face="Verdana" size="1">email: </font>
				<span style="font-family: Verdana; color: black">
				<a style="color: #800080; text-decoration: underline; text-underline: single" href="mailto:[email protected]">
				<font size="1">[email protected]</font></a></span></td>
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						<font size="1" face="Verdana"><b>Larry Cohen</b><br>
						1680A Beacon Street | Brookline, MA 02445 |
				Tel/Fax: 617-713-0568</font><p style="margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0">
				<font face="Verdana" size="1">email: </font>
				<span style="font-family: Verdana; color: black">
				<a style="color: #800080; text-decoration: underline; text-underline: single" href="mailto:[email protected]">
				<font size="1">[email protected]</font></a></span><p>&nbsp;</td>
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Anon7 - 2021