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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black"><span style="font-size:9pt;">is</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical
about it .... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking
everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you
risk even more. Life doesn't leave that many choices." </span></font><font color="black" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">- Erica Jong</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
(via </span></font><a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2005/02/do-you-want-me-to-tell-you-something.html"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black">Whiskey
River</font></span></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black"><span style="font-size:9pt;">)</span></font></td>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e996" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e996"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e996"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e796"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><a href="http://www.imood.com/users/Fatshadow"><img src="http://moods.imood.com/display/uname=Fatshadow/fg=302060/trans=1/imood.gif" alt="The current mood of Fatshadow at www.imood.com" border="0"></a></font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>Well. I've been in a Sims
coma. Yes. And right now
I'm about rip the game out
of my computer. Really.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was working on <strike>killing
off</strike> gently guiding
(cough) one of my characters
to her final journey. This
is a character, Brandi, who
has had quite a life. I've
written abut her before.
She was created by the game.
When the game begins she
is a single, unemployed,
mother with morning sickness.
Her husband is gone. At
first she had a relationship
with a woman in town. That
was until I figured out
the aspiration thing and
realized that the woman
was on the romance track
and wanted to have affairs.
So off she went and I created
a man. A guy, also on the
family track, VERY nice
and ready to marry. He and
Brandi met and married
and began having kids. It
was going well until one
day when Brandi was pregnant
(again) and the grim reaper
stopped by. I have no idea
why. I didn't want her to
die then though so I moved
her in with a friend (another
woman on the romance track)
and they lived together
for awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a whole bunch of game stuff
that goes into this but,
unless you play, it might
not be that interesting.
This whole story might not
be that interesting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
then I had her move back
in with her husband and
kids. So, she's had two
husbands, two lovers, a
pack of kids and she's reached
the top of her culinary
career. She's helped raise
her grandchildren. It's
time to go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
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<p><img src="Brandi's end.gif" width="209" height="157" border="0"></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tried really hard to get
in close for the pictures
but I still don't have the
knack. It might be hard
to see the reaper and the
hula girl's. The guy in
the black shirt is one of
her sons who was visiting
his sister. I had moved
Brandi in there to
help with the daughter's
kid. The little girl is
another granddaughter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
got the mai tai and the
suit case. And then she
was gone. (There must be
a way to get these pictures
better.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
where I get frustrated.
I moved her in with her
daughter because her daughter
is on the learning track
and wants to see a ghost.
But so far there is no ghost.
This game is SO bugged.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I got caught up in
another story. This was
another Brandi grandchild.
I got caught up in redoing
the house and stayed up
too late. This morning I
played for awhile (which
was just so wrong) and there
are more bug issues. Between
my obsessive playing and
the bugs I'm at the point
where I just think it's
too much trouble for too
much trouble. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I like playing on
the weekend because there's
lots of good radio and Book
TV. I listen to <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=7">NPR,</a>
<a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/">Wait
Wait</a> and <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a> on Saturday
and NPR and <a href="http://sundaysalon.org/">Larry</a>
on Sunday. <a href="http://www.booktv.org/">Book
TV</a> and CSPAN in general
can be very conservative
or very liberal. I listen
to both because I like to
understand things but this
weekend there was mostly
conservative stuff. Maybe
that's why I'm so cranky.
But really. A game is supposed
to be fun. And it is fun.
But it is BUGGED! And now,
so am I. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1296)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1296"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e995" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e995"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e995"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e795"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>Earlier I looked out of
the bathroom window and
there were these big fluffy
popcorn clouds and a clear
bright sky. It's been gray
and overcast for days and
is again. But just that
moment, just that patch
of sky, made me smile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">Nightline</a>
had two shows about a war
game in which terrorists
release small pox. The
shows were unnerving but
not because of this imagined
future scenario. It is a
frightening scenario but
what was more of a horror
was watching the way pretend
world leaders pretended
to deal with the crisis.
The horror of the way economics
moves politics and trumps
humanity. We don't need
an imaginary future scenario
about terrorism and virus
as a weapon. We can look
to the real time news and
see the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/19/international/africa/19africa.html?hp&ex=1108789200&en=82e34bfd6437952c&ei=5094&partner=homepage">soaring
numbers of death by virus</a>
and think about how
politics (or lack of political
will) keeps that going.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
on the <a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/radioshow.htm">Caroline
show</a> she was talking
about how to keep your head
together in these times
of fear and loathing. She
riffs so hard and fast I
can never remember what
she says but I hang on to
these little bits. She was
talking about using the
word wonder. In stead of
- how is this going to work
out? I WONDER how this is
going to work out. The word
wonder allows for possibility.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was really working with
this last night. My student
loans are at the end of
the third deferment. I WONDER
how I'm going to pay them.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Groan.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I had this moment of looking
out of the window and seeing
the clouds and feeling this
deep breath moment of beauty
and now ... <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=BothSidesNow">they
only block the sun</a>,
they <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/02/18/state/n171542S95.DTL">rain
and rain and rain</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I was reading about
<a href="http://www.willa.com/fallenangel/weblog/index.shtml">Willa
making her own deck</a>
and I pulled out my deck
to see the seven of cups
so I could remember it because
she was talking about making
her <a href="http://www.willa.com/tarot/seven_of_cups_lg.jpg">seven</a>
and right on the bottom
of my deck was ... guess.
Yes. The SEVEN OF CUPS.
My deck is the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/aquarian/">Aquarian</a>,
which I don't even love
any more except it's so
soft from use and reminds
me of every reading I've
ever done. It was fun that
the card was right there
when I went to look because
it made me feel in synch
with Willa but also it's
a card about ...POSSIBILITY.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
jumped to <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/">Trinity
Doughnuts</a> to see what
Amber <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000903.html#000903">had
to say</a> and laughed out
loud. I don't like the idea
of over eating. I think
you eat as much as you need
<b>IF </b>you pay attention.
When does <i><b>over</b></i>
occur? Well. When I go for
Dim Sum I hella OVER eat.
When I leave the restaurant
I am so full I can't breath.
And I will always eat Dim
Sum that way. But I don't
eat it often. And so yeah.
The card is about having
lots of choices. So many
that you can become overwhelmed
and unable to make a move.
And after you eat too much
Dim Sum it's hard to move.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then here I am trying to
keep a notion of possibility
in the face of dark likely
hood and I see the seven
and I'm thinking that it
might be good to ground
that wonder. You know. Having
looked at it from both sides
now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Grounded
wonder. Yeah. That's it.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1295)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1295"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e994" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e994"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e994"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e794"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My yoga practice had dwindled.
Last week I managed a few
feeble poses. This week
I did more every day. On
the first day I had neither
the concentration nor the
will to hold the pose for
very long. By yesterday
I noticed that I was naturally
holding the pose. My joints
hurt less and I just felt
the pose. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the thing I love so much
about yoga. The way it expands
in your life. This morning
I was standing in the living
room listening to the radio
while I waited for the tea
water to boil and I shifted
my stance. Straighter back.
Unlocked knees. Little adjustments
that came naturally after
only four days of intentional
practice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are these poses that I do
on my back using <a href="http://www.yogasite.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=prop-03">a
strap</a> for resistance.
When I first started again
I felt all these little
pops in my knee. It didn't
hurt but it was kinda spooky.
Every day they seem to happen
less. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
the other day I was talking
about my psychology preferences.
I lean toward the Jungian.
Being the good hippie
chick that I am. Yesterday
I got a mailing for <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/">these
public programs</a> featuring
some of my favorites. The
<a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/woodman.html">title</a>
on the <a href="http://mwoodman.org/">Marion
Woodman</a> lecture made
me smile. The subtitle in
particular. Separating soul
from ego. Yeah. There it
is. And <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/hillman.html">James
Hillman.</a> Two days with
James Hillman. All I need
is about five hundred dollars.
Why does this stuff always
cost so much? Makes me wanna
cry. The programs are being
put on by a college with
a <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/dp_phd_psychology.html">PhD
program</a> that does interest
me. But. Again. Money. It
bewilders me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard <a href="http://www.davidsuzuki.org/">David
Suzuki</a> on the radio
today. He described a
thought experiment in which
you follow a chemical (can't
remember the name of it)
as it leaves your body in
your exhale. He talked about
how what I exhale is inhaled
by the people who are in
the room with me. And some
of what I exhale leaves
the room and travels out
into the world. Some of
it may travel far away.
Everyone on my blog roll
may be inhaling some of what
I exhaled. And. Some of
it comes back to me.
I guess it would be impossible
to measure and track a specific
bit of my exhale but it's
certainly filled with probable
truth and is useful because
it tells us how we are all
connected. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Awareness
is useful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
always seemed to me that
the impulse to understand
the nature of self is something
that could change the world.
I'm really critical of the
self improvement ideals
seen on television. It just
seems like obedience training
to me. It seems oriented
toward making self contained,
self motivated, self managing
bots for the corporate system.
we seek ways to feel good
and not be a bother. Fuck
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
description of the program
rings more true to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="295">
<tr>
<td width="289">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Our work aims to recover what has been forgotten
and marginalized by the heroic, individualistic ego, and to
develop a capacity to host image and psyche. These endeavors
allow us to apprehend the immanency of psyche in nature and
to attend to the interdependent nature of being.</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways it reads like
a bunch of abstract language.
But think about that notion
of hosting image. We host
image all day every day.
In some ways we need to
learn how to not host image.
But if we go back to Susuki's
thought experiment we see
how useful hosting and image
can be. And understanding
the "interdependent
nature of being" could
move us toward action that
... changes the world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
then does it seem like solipsism?
Why is it that while I know
I would enjoy Hillman and
Woodman I also know I would
be sitting next to someone
with one too many scarves
on who is really looking
for justification in an
endless pursuit to feel
better about themselves?
Who else has five hundred
dollars to spend the weekend
in this kind of conference?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
big accomplishment of my
day is remembering to stand
up straight. And it matters.
I'm excited about it. I
just long for a feeling
of personal meaning that
is also active in the world.
I have felt it. I felt it
doing something as simple
as making coffee for someone.
I'd like to feel it again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1294)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1294"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e993" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e993"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e993"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e793"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
About a month ago I took the
Pledge and the dust rag
into the bedroom and sat
them on the dresser. Then
I got distracted. I have
a vanity, a dresser and
a nightstand all of which
needed dusting. And the
month went by. Yesterday
Sarah was coming over so
I was motivated to get the
dusting done, clean the
bathroom, run the vacuum,
just generally make it nice.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sarah
and I are forming a
partnership of sorts. We
both need to send out writing.
When I had the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e972">dinner
with Abeer</a> I got all
wound up and even did some
new writing. But I have
flagged. There is a journal
I know I can submit to and
I even thought I'd send
a piece in before Sarah
got to the apartment but
I didn't. I dusted instead.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't even begin to describe
how overwhelmingly resistant
I am. I just DON"T
WANT TO!!!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Groan.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Part
of the process is to identify
journals and magazines and
we talked about that last
night. I've always thought
that it would be good to
respond to the Readers Write
prompt in <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The
Sun</a>. If I did just that
much I'd be writing and
sending out every month.
The current prompt is: Games.
It needs to be in by March
1. Yikes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
noticed that I came up with
the idea to have a goal
in January but didn't set
the goal till February.
Tricky,huh? And now February
is half over and I still
haven't sent anything out.
But now I'll have Sarah
to answer to if I don't
get it done. I'm not sure
either Sarah or I will be
particularly strict with
one another but I'm not
sure we need to be. I just
need to be as motivated
to send the writing as I
was to dust and, clearly,
I even need the presence
of someone else to motivate
me these days. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just DON"T WANT TO!!!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1293)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1293"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e992" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e992"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e992"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e792"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Somewhere I heard, or read
Sting say that he regretted
the song <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sting-&-police/132360.html">Every
Breath You Take</a>. He
felt it was obsessive.
Well. Yeah. I don't know
what brought it to mind
except maybe all that thinking
about romantic love yesterday
and thinking about my history
of unrequited love. I remember
when I first heard the song.
I'd been doing <a href="http://www.rebirthingbreathwork.com/modules.php?name=DocTree&dtId=4&dtPath=3,4&dtIsBlk=y">breath
work</a> so the lyrics made
a specific kind of sense
to me. Looking at the lyrics
now they do seem a bit over
the top. To say the least.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Unrequited
love is just the worst.
It makes you feel like you
must be quite mad. How is
it possible that you have
this feeling? And it's so
strong and clear. And. You
feel it. As it thuds to
the ground. Makes my teeth
hurt just to think about
it. And I've had more than
my fair share I would say.
So either I am quite mad,
or just really dumb when
it comes to attraction,
or I'm making it all up
or ... well. The list just
goes on and on.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Everything
about the lyrics seems to
have some shadow and some
light. Like - "can't
you see, you belong to me."
Well. In terms of ownership,
no one belongs to anyone.
But belonging can also be
a feeling of being at home.
Being met. Feeling like
something fits. How is it
possible to feel that way
about someone and have it
not be true? Unless you
are quite mad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mama
Cass sang <a href="http://www.mathematik.uni-ulm.de/paul/lyrics/mamasandpapas/gladto~1.html">a
song</a> about how unrequited
love is a bore but for someone
you adore it's a pleasure
to be sad. I know that pleasure.
But. I've had enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sting
said he wrote <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sting/132083.html">If
You Love Somebody Set Them
Free</a> as an antidote
for Every Breath You Take.
Which makes sense. But I
like both songs. Sometimes
love is desperate and overwhelming.
It's not a sustainable way
to be but sometimes it is
that way. I don't think
you can set someone free
unless you think love is
a cage. I've felt desperate.
I've wanted to beg. I have
begged. But I've never felt
like I wanted to lock anyone
up. Belonging isn't about
ownership. It's about realization.
And all of my realizations
have ended up being confusions.
Or so I was told. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Quite.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mad.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="229">
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<td width="223">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/pirwebelong.htm"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica" color="#000000">And the only angel who sees us now<br>
Watches through each other's eyes<br>
And I can hear him<br>
In every footstep's passing sigh<br>
He goes crazy these nights<br>
Watching heartbeats go by...</font></span></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/pirwebelong.htm">
</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1292)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1292"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e991" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e991"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e991"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e791"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My rule is that I can only
play with <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">my
dolls</a> on the weekend.
It's just too easy to get
sucked in for hours. I mean
hours. I break the rule
now and again but having
it keeps me from playing
every day for hours. Hours,
I'm tellin ya. It's so compelling.
It's like a book that I'm
both reading and writing.
And I wanna know what happens.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of my playing right now
is about killing off the
elders. Sounds morbid but
it's a circle of life thing.
They become ghosts so they're
still around. This is part
of the difference between
the first game and the second
game. The Sims age and die.
When I first began to play
I just wanted to see what
Sims death looked like.
And then I had this whole
old folks thing going. My
plan was to get all my Sims
elders into the same house
and let them age together.
But then I realized how
useful elders are. If you
and your kids live with
elders they help with the
kids. Everybody is happy.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">An
individual Sim getting older
has kids who are off on
their own getting older
too. And keeping the elder
happy often means getting
them grand kids. So you
leave the house to go play
with the kids and make babies.
And elders like weddings.
I like my elders to be as
happy as they can be when
the reaper comes coz if
they're happy he comes with
hula girls and a Mai Tai.
Nice way to go, doncha think?
I tried to get some
pictures of this but they're
too small. I haven't mastered
the whole process. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of my Sims was getting married
and I knew his parents were
gonna (cough) move on within
the next two days. So I
went to other house and
had them come to the wedding.
I actually got misty eyed
watching this because I
knew this was the last time
he'd see them. I swear.
I'm tearing up just thinking
about it. There's one of
my Sims who I save from
death once. And now I'm
just wanting her to get
on outta here. She's got
like two, or three days.
But that can mean hours
of playing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really, really, really don't
think I play well. I take
all so seriously. One of
reasons it's easy for me
to not play is because I
am a little sad about all
these elders moving on.
My favorite time in Sims
life is when they are adults
and they're moving up in
their careers and having
kids. It all sounds so provincial.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jeez.
Yesterday I calling for
participation in the market
and today I'm writing little
happy ever after stories.
What is happening to me?
Of course the other big
thing going on in my game
is alien abductions in which
men come back pregnant with
little green babies. So
I still have some (cough)
alternative life in
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1291)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1291"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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</td>
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<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Photo
by Kobi Eshun</span></font></p>
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</tr>
<tr>
<td width="186"> <p><a href="http://www.weatherforyou.com/weather/California/San+francisco.html"><img src="http://www.weatherforyou.net/fcgi-bin/hw3/hw3.cgi?config=png&forecast=hourly&place=San+francisco&state=ca&alt=hwihourlyvert2&hwvbg=white&hwvtc=navy" border="0" width="95" height="135"></a></p>
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<td width="186"><p><a href="mailto:[email protected]"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><img src="bird1.gif" width="88" height="105" border="0" align="middle"></font></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm"><img src="Archivebutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/"><img src="YACCS.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=5558917797680116221"><img src="orkut.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.codepink4peace.org/"><img src="CodePinkbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.amnesty.org/"><img src="Amnestybutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.sfbaybloggers.com/"><img src="SFBAY Button.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.peaceblogs.org/"><img src="Peaceblogbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogtree.com/blogtree.php?blogid=4348"><img src="Blogtreebutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://olliezero.phpwebhosting.com/fat/"><img src="FatPhobiabutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://wehavebrains.com/"><img src="WHBbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://jenett.org/ageless/"><img src="Agelessbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://internetbrothers.com/aortal/"><img src="Aortalbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogsisters.blogspot.com/"><img src="Blogsistersbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://books.dreambook.com/fatshadow/main.html"><img src="Dreambookbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogstreet.com/bin/profile.cgi?url=fatshadow.com"><img src="Blogstreetbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.bloglines.com/sub/http://fatshadow.com"><img src="Bloglinesbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogwise.com/"><img src="Blogwisebutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://blizg.com/"><img src="Blizgbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogexplosion.com/"><img src="BlogExplosion.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogarama.com/"><img src="Blogarama.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<td width="186">
<p><a href="http://portal.eatonweb.com/"><img src="Eatonwebbutton.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://rpc.blogrolling.com/display.php?r=7d5b3cfcedd6dc09251a89c633e20060"></script></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.blogchalking.com" target="bc"><img src="http://www.blogchalking.com/media/chalk5i.gif" width="35" height="30" border="0" alt="Tish/Female/46-50. Lives in United States/California/San Francisco, speaks English. Eye color is brown. I am fat." title="Tish/Female/46-50. Lives in United States/California/San Francisco, speaks English. Eye color is brown. I am fat." /></a></p>
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<td width="186" style="font-family:'Lucida Sans'; font-size:9;">
<p><script language="javascript" src="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/MyDetails.php?url=http://www.fatshadow.com/&style=javascript"></script ></p>
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<td width="186" style="font-family:'Lucida Sans'; font-size:9;">
<p><script language="javascript" type="text/javascript"
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<p><script src="http://blogsnob.simpleads.net/ad/3989/style/7/" type="text/javascript"></script></p>
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<td width="186">
<p><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:8pt;"><a href="http://travis.kroh.net/archives/blogger_decoder.html">My
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e+ l c</a></span></FONT></p>
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<td width="186">
<p> <font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">My </span></font><a href="http://bloginality.love-productions.com"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Bloginality</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> is </span></font><a href="http://bloginality.love-productions.com/infp.php"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">INFP</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">!!</span></font></p>
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<td width="186">
<p> <a href="http://www.mirrorproject.com/mirror/?id=6795"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="black">My
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<tr>
<td width="186" style="font-family:'Lucida Sans'; font-size:9;"><p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><img src="Reading.gif" width="80" height="15" border="0"></span></font></p>
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</td>
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<td width="186">
<p> <a href="http://www.ringsurf.com/netring?ring=person_of_size;id=3;action=prev"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;"><</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:8pt;">
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<p><!-- WomenBloggers --><br /><a href="http://L.webring.com/go?ring=womenbloggers;id=499;prev" style="TEXT-DECORATION: none" target="_top"><<</a> <a href="http://L.webring.com/hub?ring=womenbloggers;id=499;hub" style="TEXT-DECORATION: none" target="_top">#</a> <a href="http://ringsaround.net/womenbloggers/" style="TEXT-DECORATION: none" target="_top">WomenBloggers</a> <a href="http://L.webring.com/go?ring=womenbloggers;id=499;random" style="TEXT-DECORATION: none" target="_top">?</a> <a href="http://L.webring.com/go?ring=womenbloggers;id=499;next" style="TEXT-DECORATION: none" target="_top">>></a><!-- WomenBloggers --></p>
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<td width="186">
<script language="JavaScript" type="text/javascript" src="http://www.calculatorcat.com/codesrc/moon/phasenow_b.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" type="text/javascript" src="http://www.calculatorcat.com/codesrc/moon/phasenow_2s3.js"></script><font style="font-size:10px;font-family:verdana,arial,sans-serif;color:ffffff" face="verdana,arial,sans-serif" size="1"><br /><a href="http://www.calculatorcat.com/moon_phases/moon_phases.phtml" target="moon_ph" style="color:878787;">moon phases</a><br /> </font> </td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="186">
<p> <font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><input type="button" value="SOUL"
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<td width="186">
<p><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/knittingtarot/?button"><img alt="knitting_tarot_animated.gif" src="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/knittingtarot/images/knitting_tarot_animated.gif" width="120" height="60" border="0" /></a></p>
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<td width="186">
<p> <a href="http://blog.paraknowya.info/wp/wp.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><img src="tishwp.gif" width="32" height="32" border="2" align="middle" vspace="2" hspace="2" style="border-color:rgb(153,51,255);"></font></a></p>
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<p> <a href="http://www.fishrush.com/imaginativepastures/"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><img src="somegrapes.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0"></font></a></p>
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<p> <a href="http://www.thehungersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><img src="0xdc1770b939f4c422cefdd0cc.gif" width="95" height="28" border="0"></font></a></p>
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<td width="186">
<p> <a href="http://www.sfweekly.com/issues/2004-05-19/bestpeople.html"><img src="SFweekly.gif" width="120" height="90" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="186"><p> <a href="http://www.wcc.vccs.edu/services/rssify/rssify.php?url=http://.www.fatshadow.com"><img src="xml.gif" width="36" height="14" border="0"></a><br /><font size=1>Powered by <br /><a href="http://www.wcc.vccs.edu/services/rssify/rssify.php">RSSify at WCC</A></font>
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<td width="186">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="186"><p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm"><img src="Avoirdupois.jpg" width="150" height="200" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
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<td width="186"> <p><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001395.php"><img src="stopsouthwest.jpg" width="170" height="170" border="0"></a></p>
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<p><script language="Javascript" src="http://www.truefresco.org/referrers98pc.js"></script></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><font size=1 color=white>
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<p><a href="http://s12.sitemeter.com/stats.asp?site=s12Fatshadow" target="_top"><img src="http://s12.sitemeter.com/meter.asp?site=s12Fatshadow" alt="Site Meter" border=0></a></p>
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<td width="186">
<p><a target="_blank" href="http://v1.nedstatbasic.net/stats?ABjEGQi7FlWLd1foGX0sThDrvOdA"><img
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<td width="186">
<p><a href="http://geourl.org/near/?p=http://www.fatshadow.com/" title="check out my neighbors in meatspace"><img src="http://geourl.org/geourl.png" border=0 width=52 height=14 /></a></p>
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</table>
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