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<span style=" font-family:geneva,arial; font-weight:bold; font-size:22pt; color:silver; padding-left:5px;"><font face="Arial">Fatshadow</font>
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<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Writing to
me is an act of faith, a hope that I will disocver what I mean
by the truth. - Amy Tan</span></font>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1266"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">December
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
2:50 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1266"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1266" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2006.htm#e1266"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1266"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cara
left me a comment the other day: Is it over? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's a question I've been asking myself
for what feels like a very long time. And
I always have the same answer. I don't want
it to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
suspect that the question came from how
borked the site has been for the past week.
My hosting company migrated my account and,
in the process, changed the index page,
changed my password and IP address and may
have lost stuff. After four frustrating
late night and early morning calls to tech
(cough) support I still couldn't access
my account. The story of how I finally got
on needs some preamble. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
building, in which I have lived for the
last twelve years, was sold to some really
<a href="http://www.citistop.org/">worrisome
people</a>. Sad because we had a truly wonderful
landlady before this and I had another wonderful
landlady in the apartment I lived in when
I first got to SF. Now I have fear and loathing.
My neighbors and I got together to talk
about it all. My next door neighbor does
web design and was kind enough to help me
figure out my FTP program. He has a story
on <a href="http://www.kevmick.com/pages/1/index.htm">his
site</a> about a time when the fire alarm
went off in our building. It's a <a href="http://www.kevmick.com/bookpreview.html">fun
read</a> in which I appear as the nice lady
with the phone cradled in my shoulder
who was in fact unconcerned about the possibility
of a fire. Out alarm is touchy and has gone
off before. It's quite loud. I can't remember
who I was talking to but I do remember feeling
like there wasn't any danger and I wanted
to keep talking. When he asked if there
was a fire in my place I did something
I too often do. I answered a question that
hadn't been asked. I answered the question:
is everything OK? I don't know why I do
that. We don't know how crazy things will
get here. Our new landlords don't have
a very good rep. Most of us have lived here
for a long time and we all like it. It's
scary when I think about it. I try not to
think abut it. It was good to talk with
my neighbors though. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few months after I started working at EA
all of the tester contracts were sold to
<a href="http://www.vmc.com/">VMC</a>. Nothing
much changed for me but now I have an open
ended contract in which I will never get
a raise and can't go to company events.
It's a way for the company to have employees
and not have to make a commitment or proved
benefits. Right now we're working overtime.
I leave the house at 7:00 and get home around
10:30. On the weekends I feel like I have
the flu. My digestion seems to fall apart.
I need to sleep for hours. I can't focus.
Late on Sunday I sometimes get some energy.
Just enough to do what I need to do to get
ready for the next week. Things are just
weird and I don't seem to have the wisdom,
character, vision, drive or whatever is
needed to make it better.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
it over? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I couldn't get the info I needed to fix
the site and days were going by I was incredibly
sad. I kept telling myself that it didn't
matter because I'm not writing anyway. I
keep telling myself that it doesn't matter
because I can only do what I can do. But
it does matter. I don't want it to be over.
I want to find a way to write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So,
once a month I write something to reclaim
my space. And then I get ready for the next
week. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the week after that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the week after that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1568)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1568"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1262"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">November
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
9:38 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1263"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1263" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2006.htm#e1263"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1263"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
almost hit a guy in the back of the head
the other day. It would have been so wrong.
I mean first of all, it's usually wrong
to hit total strangers in the back of the
head and he wasn't really doing anything
that bad. He was walking past me, on my
right side, talking on his cell. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
a train had broken down in front of us and
we were getting in a half an hour late and
I'd been sitting on the train wanting to
be home, wanting to be home, wanting to
be home. I'd been wanting to be home for
the last hour at work and the ride on the shuttle.
I. Just. Wanted. To. Be. Home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
he came up on my right side and I was moving
to the right and I felt myself slapping
him in the back of the head and saying -
watch where you're going. But he really
wasn't in my way and it was just wrong.
And I wasn't liking myself very much.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Although,
Kristina tells me I am not alone in my desire
to hit people in the head.</span></font></p>
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<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a
damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily
pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every
funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand
of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from
deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking
people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon
as I can. - <a href="http://www.online-literature.com/melville/mobydick/2/">Melville</a></span></font></td>
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<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
that I ever thought I was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
walked to the bus stop, which was occupied
by a homeless woman and her cart. We talked
about a club she'd been at for Halloween
and an Indian Head nickel she owned and
a penny with Abraham Lincoln's daughters
on it. Well. She talked. I listened. She
was a little crazy but I was the one who
almost hit someone in the back of the head
for no good reason.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
bus took forever to get there. My trip home
was close to two hours long and I was
just done in. Done.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Halloween there was a party at work. You
didn't hafta go but if you left you weren't
going to get paid. So I sat at my desk and
watched <a href="http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5715">a
movie.</a> Something about that movie made
me feel better about my current silence.
I don't know why exactly. He wasn't silent.
I am.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't have much to say at work. I don't
have much time at home. I need quiet. I
cannot hear myself. I need time. I need
silence. And. I don't have anything to say.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just get ready for the bus and the training
and the shuttle and the hours and the shuttle
and the train and the bus. And then I go
through it all and ... I am silent. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
Sunday night. I've had a few days to calm
down. I don't feel like hitting anyone.
I feel ready to sleep. And get ready. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bukowski
worked at the post office. <a href="http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/124">Stevens</a>
sold insurance. They did not fall silent.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
just is what it is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1567)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1567"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
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<p> <span class="rss:item"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><a href="http://www.imood.com/users/Fatshadow"><img src="http://moods.imood.com/display/uname=Fatshadow/trans=1/imood.gif" alt="The current mood of Fatshadow at www.imood.com" border="0"></span></a></font></span></p>
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links open windows when you put a check in this box thanks to </span></font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:8pt;">random walks</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:8pt;">!
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<p> <span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Arial"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/About">About</a></font></span></p>
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<p><font face="Arial"> <span style="font-size:9pt;">My </span></font><a href="http://bloginality.love-productions.com"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Bloginality</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> is </span></font><a href="http://bloginality.love-productions.com/infp.php"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">INFP</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">!!</span></font></p>
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Mirror Project</font></span></a></p>
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<p><FONT face="Arial,Courier"><a href="http://travis.kroh.net/archives/blogger_decoder.html"><span style="font-size:8pt;">My
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