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<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#889C70"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>September
2004</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e825" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e825"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e825"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/">Rabbit
Rabbit.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't generally salt food. There are things on which
I like salt. Potatoes. Eggs. Although I prefer salsa
on eggs. Margaritas. Margaritas should be salty. I love
to press my tongue against the rim of the glass. The
salt opens everything up for that warm Agave flavor.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
salt when I'm cooking. But not vegetables. I like to
taste my vegetables. Not salt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is somewhat ironic since I collect salt and pepper shakers.
I haven't counted but I think I might have close to
fifty. Maybe more. Some of which are from my grandmother's
collection. She salted watermelon. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
friends were visiting once and were confused because,
in all those salt and pepper shakers, they couldn't
find any salt. I had run out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is all preamble. Yesterday I was eating some cold chicken
and I salted it. There's something about salty cold
chicken. It's just so good. If I salted everything all
the time I might not know this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a good day. I did yoga and ate good food and cleaned
the apartment and took care of some business and ...played
a little Sims. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1125)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1125"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e826" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e826"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e826"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I got a new weather thing after
seeing it at <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan's.</a>
The old one didn't fit in the
side bar and I never looked
at it when it was at the bottom
of the page. Susan is the cool stuff queen.
I'd been thinking about her
yesterday because I know she is
fond of <a href="http://www.dassk.org/news.php?offset=525&where=">Aung
San Suu Ki</a> and I'd seen
about fifteen minutes of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112495/">Beyond
Rangoon</a>. I've seen the whole
movie so I knew what was happening.
I started to cry and couldn't
stop. And I knew Susan would
have been crying too. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
while ago I was invited to join
an Yahoo group full of very
nice people. But the timing
was awkward. I backed out. I
did meet a few new people as a result.
Very cool people. For that I'm
grateful. But it did kinda mess
me up in some ways. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
written before about a time
when I stumbled upon a blog
cluster and wrote my self senseless
trying to join them. I met a
few cool people during that time
too. But I never really fit
in with the "group".
As it were.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Meet
is an interesting word. I've only met one person in
the flesh. These are all blog writers. The
person who invited me is still
one of my favorite people to
read. My blog relationships
are very real for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So,
anyway. I found the whole experience a bit overwhelming.
It changed my blog writing again. I became hyper conscious.
More aware of the reader than ever. I was thinking about
it as I played Sims the other day. There are ways in
which I've been curled up in my simulation. I don't
really think that's a big, bad deal. I've just been
feeling off. And uncertain. In Simsville I can make
things work out. In my life ... well ... not so much.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/2004/09/rabbit-rabbit.html">Siona
is reading Hillman</a>. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="398">
<tr>
<td width="392"><blockquote>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The idea of self has to be redefined. Therapy's definition
comes from the Protestant tradition: self is the interiorization of the
invisible God beyond. The inner divine. Even if this inner divine is
disguised as a self-steering, autonomous, homeostatic, balancing
mechanism; or even if the divine is disguised as the integrating deeper
intention of the whole personality, it's still a transcendent notion
with theological implications, if not roots. I would rather define self
as </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">the interiorization of community</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">. If you make that little
move, you're going to feel very different about things. If the self
were defined as the interiorization of community, then the boundaries
between me and another would be much less sure. I would be with myself
when I'm with others. I would not be with myself when I'm walking alone
or in my room imagining or working on my dreams. In fact, I would be
estranged from myself.</span></font></blockquote></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love him. And I agree with him. But. I'm having a hard
time with it all. I've never felt at home in community.
Especially not in the fractured community known as my
family. Community is a word I've come to find suspect.
What does it mean? Hillman goes on.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="398">
<tr>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And "others" would not just include just other people, because
community, as I see it, is something more ecological, or at least
animistic. A psychic field. And if I'm not in a psychic field with
others -- with people, buildings, animals, trees -- I </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">am</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> not.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
I realize I am part of something large and energetic.
Something not always visible. Not just the story lines
of relationships. The experience of relationship.
In fact, blogging makes very real the idea that relationships
can be forged in a "psychic field." And
I know I am part of a community. More than one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hillman
again.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="416">
<tr>
<td width="410">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We have to think about community itself as a different category
altogether. It's not individuals coming together and connecting, and
it's not a crowd. Community to me means simply the actual little system
in which you are situated, sometimes in your office, sometimes at home
with your furniture and your food and your cat, sometimes talking in
the hall with the people in 14-B. In each case your self is a little
different, and your true self is your actual self, just as it is in
each situation, a self </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">among</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">, not a self apart.</span></font>
</td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">See.
But. Gee. It's true. And that's where I become troubled.
I'm part of systems that I find repellant. Right now
the community known as Republicans is in lock down in
Madison Square Garden. The city of New York is a <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/09/02/1454254">bad
dream</a> of the way things will be if this guy gets
four more years. I can rail against it and vote for
the other guy, despite the fact that I'm not feelin
the love there either. America is a system. I'm part
of it. It doesn't make me happy. I'll only feel a little
bit better if the other guy wins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
back out of a lot communities. Because inclusion and
exclusion bother me. Even when we affirm a semi permeable
boundary in our communities we have to accept that we
are part of things that we find repellant. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I pull in as tight as I can. So tight that I'm living
in a world on a screen. A world in which complexity
is navigable. And then I sit back. And remember.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
find my actual self in situations. I'm not sure I handle
them well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1126)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1126"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e827" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e827"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e827"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There's a check list I run through
when I'm trying to understand why I'm in a mood. Unemployment.
Disappointment in one thing, or another. Middle age
something. But. Really. All that is just life. And.
So. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
hot in my third floor apartment. All the heat rising
to bake me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
at night I can hear the <a href="http://www.pier39.com/entertainment/entertainment.cfm/event/1000006">sea
lions.</a> They get real barky. I'm used to it so it
doesn't keep me awake. In fact I find it charming. Usually.
The other night they were whopping it up and every time
they started my heart raced. Like maybe there was something
wrong. The next night they were quiet and it felt like
something was wrong again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get this way. Nothing feels right. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1127)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1127"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#000000" face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;">So
you keep talking in many languages<br>
Telling us the way you feel<br>
Don't stop confiding in the road you're on<br>
Don't quit, you're walking Satellites</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/flysatellites.htm">-Ricki
Lee</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e828" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e828"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e828"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I been remembering the
move I made from Boulder to
New York. I took the Greyhound
part way and Amtrak the rest.
I wanted to visit Dad and Aunt June in Missouri and
Mom and Ken in North Carolina. I took the Greyhound
to St Louis, spent about a week with Aunt June and Dad.
Dad took me back to the bus station. It's about an hour
drive. Maybe more. I had about an hour to wait for my
bus but I told him he didn't need to stay with
me once we got there. He was insistent about not leaving
me alone in a bus station. Once we got there he decided
he did want to get back. Before traffic got bad. We
said our good byes and when he was gone I wept. Sitting
in the bus station. Weeping. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't scared. I was weeping for the want of a father
who wanted to have every possible minute with me. But.
That wasn't him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
took the bus to NC but when I left to go North I switched
to Amtrak. The station was in South Carolina. The train
left at midnight. It was a long drive through mountain
roads to get to the station. Mom must have told me a
zillion times, they were NOT going to stay. They
were going to leave me there and get back home before
it got too dark. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
They didn't.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
stayed until the train came. The train pulled in way
down the track and I had to run to where they were letting
us on. I got on and looked out the window to see that
they had run along as well and Mom had fallen. But we
waved at each other until the train pulled away. I cried
so hard I couldn't see for an hour. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tonight
I called Mom to read her <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000415.html#000415">Maria's
post</a>. Mom and I used to talk on Saturday night but
we switched to Friday. I thought Mom might find
the post as moving as I did. I wasn't sure she knew
who Persephone and Demeter were. She's not stupid. She's
just not interested in most of the stuff I'm interested
in and she doesn't really read. She reads the Wallstreet
Journal. And the local paper. Once when she was visiting
me she looked with contempt at my book shelves and asked
why I needed to keep them if I'd already read them.
We're just different in so many ways. Politically. Spiritually.
Just as I got to the last paragraph of Maria's post
Mom had to stop me and have a loud exasperated
conversation with Ken about the location of a measuring
cup. She listened to the rest of the post but the mood
was broken. She said it was sad. And. I guess it is.
But it's also universal and rich with meaning and beautifully
written and ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
mom and I both speak English. More specifically, we
both speak <a href="http://www.pittsburghese.com/">Pittsburghese.</a>
After an hour of talking with her my vowels get
squeezed. I listen more than I talk. I don't feel like
we speak the same internal language. I usually hang
up feeling worn out. We are so far apart. And yet. I
know. She'll hang onto every second she can have with
me. And I'll weep with love when we part. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Complicated
relationships. I love my Mom and Dad in a desperate
way. I love them the way you love people who you know
are part of you. Even when they don't get you. Even
when you don't get them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
just. Ya know. The stuff of life. And yet. I keep thinking
about why I am who I am. Because I'm trying to ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">grow.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Up.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Something.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to think I was Persepone. Hauled into the underground
against my will. Now I think I like it in the underground.
I surface on Friday night for a phone call. I weep when
I return. But I'm not crying because I'm going back
down. I'm crying because I'm never really at home in
either place. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1128)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1128"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e829" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e829"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e829"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:04
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Here's something I'm not proud
of. I haven't been reading my blog roll. First time
since I started blogging. I mean, I've had a day or
two when I was busy or cranky and I didn't read. But
this has been different. I am having some kind of weird
reaction to the joining the group/leaving the group
drama. It was blogging drama number 857 and it just
put me in this mood. And, as I've already written. There
are things. Going on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
of all my Sims playing I'm thinking like a Sims. Sometimes
when you tell a Sims to do too many things at once,
or change their directions too quickly, or tell them
to do something they don't really want to do, they kind
of stand there. Rubbing their nose. They stall. That's
how I feel. Stalled. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been working through the blogroll today. It feels
good. It feels like seeing people that you haven't seen
for awhile. People that you love to see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Siona.
Phew. Siona wrote <a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/2004/09/manifested.html">a
kick ass post</a>. And now, despite the fact that it's
late and I ought to go to sleep, after days of not having
the will to write, I find myself full of language. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
friends who have suffered eating disorders have taught
me much. But first I want to say that I don't like the
word disorder. In fact, I resent the word. Our relationship
with eating and food (As Siona so deftly described.)
is loopy. And it doesn't get loopy because we as
individuals get it wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
seen a commercial lately for a refrigerator with a television
on the front of it. In the commercial kids eat cookies,
men drink beer and women eat fruit. All while watching
TV. A TV embedded in the front of the refrigerator.
And none of them are fat. They are living the American
life. Put food into your mouth while we entertain you.
Don't pay attention to what you're eating. Just keep
eating and watching. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not pointing fingers. I eat in front of a computer with
radio, or television on. I eat beautiful <a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/">organic
food.</a> Even my <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">junk</a>
<a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_pretzels.html">food</a>
is not terribly junky. And the last few days, with the
heat, I haven't wanted to eat at all. I don't even want
the toaster oven on. But I zone. Sometimes I just make
myself sit at the table and eat my meal. None of this
is a big problem for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
it's hard to talk about all this and not feel like I'm
off politic in terms of <a href="http://www.fatso.com/man1.html">the
revolution.</a> It isn't my experience that all fat
people eat crap and don't exercise. I've written about
all this before and I'm sure I will again. I feel I
owe an apology to Paul and the <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>
community. My general malaise seems to have sucked the
fight out of me. I'll get it back. Sometimes people
in the fat political community don't want to talk food
politics because we are under such scrutiny in terms
of what we eat. it shouldn't be anyone else's business
what I eat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except
. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
Siona so deftly described. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is someone's business. There is almost as much profit
being made on food as there is in making people afraid
to eat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">(Women
in the commercial are eating fruit.) (The dad and his
son are eating ice cream.) (Growl.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
there are a lot of intersections and a lot of diverging
paths. And it's late. And too hot. And I'm full of thought.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001375.php">Paul
blogged</a> this <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5326318/">MSNBC</a>
bit. <i>Parents should demonstrate healthy patterns
of eating. </i>Some day someone is going to have to
help me understand what healthy patterns of eating are.
Are they always the same? I don't think so. A pattern
of eating is a diet. Being in touch with your body might
be a better goal. Eating while you're awake might be
a good idea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
recurrent phrase these days seems to be ... it's just
life. Life in a body. We don't always do everything
right. We can't possibly imagine that we can or even
should. We are not disordered. It's all disordered.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was struck by some of the comments in Siona's post.
Most people were thoughtful and engaged. Some were just
off point and reductive. I was a bit reductive in my
comment to her <a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/2004/09/addendum.html">addendum</a>.
But I was irritated by what felt to me like the need
to calm her down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Growl.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
another lesson from the Sims. They have six little
need bars that go from green to red. They need to eat,
sleep, have fun, be social, take care of body functions
and clean up. I've clicked my hand into cramps trying
to keep their bars in the green. It doesn't work. If
they eat they need to go to the bathroom. If they If
they have fun alone they sometimes get lonely. If they
do nothing but talk to their friends they don't always
have enough fun. (Although this confuses me a little
bit. I like talking to my friends.) But for the Sims
it's all about taking care of everything, going to sleep,
waking up and taking care of everything again. Life.
In a body.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Health
is not a pattern. It's a process. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
energy bar is in the red and I've lost coherence. I
should wait till tomorrow and rewrite this before I
post. But. I like it when I'm all over the place. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1129)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1129"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e830" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e830"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e830"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:59
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Neither here nor there.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Neither
this nor that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here
and there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
and that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Reject.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Accept.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Start
over.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Double
Gemini. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Libra
moon. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Duality.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Duality.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Balance.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Amy
Goodman was interviewing a guy at the Republican convention.
He said he got all his news from Fox and he would never
watch a Michael movie. I like to say I get my news from
a variety of sources but the truth is I listen to and
read mostly lefty news. I can barely tolerate CNN.
I'm not that different from the guy. Just on the opposite
end of a spectrum. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been interesting to read <i><a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/knopf/catalog/display.pperl?0375413189">The
Spiral Staircase</a></i> right after reading about <a href="http://www.annpatchett.com/truth.html">Lucy's
spiral</a> into drug addiction and death. Particularly
interesting last night when I was still thinking about
the idea of health. <a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/excerpt_xml.asp?isbn=0060569662">Lucy
was in pain</a> for most of her life. The pain began
when she had a third of her jaw removed because she
had Cancer. She went through a number of surgical attempts
to reconstruct her jaw. None worked. She could barely
chew, or swallow. Eating was life threatening. She choked
on food. She said the emotional pain of being ugly was
worse. But I have to think that some of what troubled
her was dealing with constant physical pain. The thing
that saved her from Cancer gifted her a life of bad
physical and mental health. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was her longing for love and her fear that she would
never be loved because she was ugly that made my own
bones ache with commiserate pain. I don't think I'm
ugly. But I know there are people who do. Lucy's big
life question drove her into a kind of madness. Is it
possible for anyone to love me? She had a gazzillion
friends. People who were there for her at every turn.
But she wanted that one heart. She wanted to look into
someone's eyes and see herself loved. It's a narcissistic
formation. Love me to prove to me that I am loveable.
No one can do that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is easier when someone is holding your hand while
you do the work.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Karen
Armstrong wanted to live for God's love. When she left
the convent she felt lost. She felt like she had failed.
She had to rebuild herself internally. She had to reclaim
her self from that marriage to the invisible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
looked to God for the love I craved. Always looking
for my reflection in something external. And I've worked
to reclaim my self from all the people and places went
to for love. Because it wasn't really love I was looking
for. I was looking for the thing I needed. The thing
I longed for. The thing I believed I should have had
by birth right. The obscure object. Never quite defined.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
project is about holding the two things that seem to
be oppositional. Holding them in some kind of balance.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Neither
accepting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Nor
rejecting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
today. I'm feeling. Hmmm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a solopsitic dance this reclamation. I've had times
when I kept myself busy with everyone else and everything
else. That's an extreme as well. But. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is easier when someone is holding your hand. Isn't it?
Not easy. But easier. Isn't it? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="282">
<tr>
<td width="276">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/Hejira.cfm">You know it never has been easy<br>
Whether you do or you do not resign<br>
Whether you travel the breadth of extremities<br>
Or stick to some straighter line</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Neither
here nor there.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Neither
this nor that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here
and there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
and that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Reject.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Accept.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Start
over.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1130)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1130"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e831" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e831"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e831"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I'm <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/2004/09/08/17.53.14/">stunned</a>.
And sad.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1131)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1131"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e832" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e832"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e832"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It occurred to me yesterday
that many people who read me are friends who don't
read other blogs, or bloggers who read in a blog
cluster in which they may not have come across <a href="http://www.uppity-negro.com/">Aaron</a>.
I didn't read him as often as I read other people. I
read him often enough to know that I admired his politics,
his passion, his humor and style and cultural savvy.
I was shy around Aaron. I opened the comment box a number
of times and never typed anything. He was so grand to
me. I felt tongue tied. So I would read. And smile.
And click away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">His
death really did leave me stunned. Why? So young.
So smart and beautiful. So loved and admired. Why? Can't
we rewind this tape? Can't we rewrite this? My strongest
feelings were for the people I read who I know had relationships
with him. As I read across the blog world I see much
grief and confusion. He was loved and admired. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was reading the <a href="http://us.penguingroup.com/Book/BookFrame/0,,,00.html?id=1594200114">Hillman</a>
I was struck by a long paragraph recounting deaths in
last ten years because of war, genocide and governmental
suppression of dissent. The numbers are large. Overwhelming.
Too much to completely take in. I had opposite reactions
to them. Deep revulsion and an urgent need to make it
stop and a kind of calm. It seemed to me that we, as
an evolving life form, have just barely figured out
how to walk upright. We've figured out a lot of things
but we are still brutal and greedy and afraid that we'll
lose our little gathering of resource to a bigger, stronger
force. So we hate and we battle and we suppress. And
many of us want it to be other wise. We want peace.
We want money to spent on making sure everyone has what
they need and not on the weapons to keep the walls around
wealth. But the numbers are still adding up. Deaths.
Every day. More. I felt calm because it seemed to me
that I needed to accept the fact of all this death.
I still feel the urgent need to make it stop. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Can't
we rewrite this? Can't we make it stop? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="276">
<tr>
<td width="270">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/SongForSharon.cfm">A woman I knew just drowned herself<br>
The well was deep and muddy<br>
She was just shaking off futility<br>
Or punishing somebody<br>
My friends were calling up all day yesterday<br>
All emotions and abstractions<br>
It seems we all live so close to that line<br>
and so far from satisfaction
</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
emotion and abstraction. I understand the feeling. I
understand the urge to fill my pockets up with rocks
and head for the nearest body of water. I don't know
why Aaron did what he did. I know he was too young,
too beautiful and smart, too loved and admired for this
to be true. And yet. It is true. We need to accept the
fact of it. But I can't imagine we will ever not wish
we could have kept it from happening. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">George
said the most important thing. I didn't feel like I
could say it. I always did feel shy around Aaron. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love you Aaron. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1132)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1132"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e833" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e833"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e833"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I miss things. I swear. I get
into these funks. I pull into myself. Things happen.
I miss them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
submitted a piece of writing to <a href="http://www.emergingwomenwriters.com/index.html">Emerging
Women Writers</a> for their August theme: Passion. <a href="http://www.emergingwomenwriters.com/non-fiction/parmeley.html">They
published it</a>. I didn't know that they had published
it. If they sent e-mail to tell me I may have deleted
it. I delete a ton of junk mail and sometimes I go too
fast. I'm just ... I mean ... jeez. I was published.
And I missed it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am beyond grateful. And feeling a little shy now that
it's out there. It was my intention to be ... uh ...
passionate. Blush. Head in hands now. Giggle. Blush.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
found out about them via <a href="http://trishwilson.typepad.com/blog/">Trish
Wilson,</a> who also has a <a href="http://www.emergingwomenwriters.com/fiction/patriciaSept1.html">piece
up.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1133)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1133"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e834" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e834"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e834"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:35
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/911election2004.html">Moyers</a>
did an amazing job of recounting
911 events. I wasn't intending to
watch any of the rehash but
I trust Moyers. I don't like
the way the events of September 11th have been used
to build a fear driven jingoism. It should be a solemn
day of awareness that all over the world people are
enduring acts of terrorism. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fortunately,
I spent the day away from the screens. I went to <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga</a>
in the East Bay because we had our picture taken for
my <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/">Yoga For
EveryBody</a> article, which will be out in January.
The <a href="http://www.yimag.org/">Yoga International</a>
article will be out in November. And then I spent the
afternoon with <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/163215/9/6101561">K3</a>,
kissing on <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/181621/1/6861998">Jan</a>
and eating oysters and sashimi. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.wongkarwai.net/pages.php?page=Chungking+Express+1+Photo+Book">Chungking
Express</a> last night. <a href="http://www.sensesofcinema.com/contents/directors/02/wong.html">Wong
Kar-wai</a> made that movie in the middle of making
<a href="http://www.wongkarwai.net/pages.php?page=Ashes+of+Time+Photo+Book">Ashes
of Time</a>, which I'm going to try and watch today.
Ashes of Time is a big epic and he took a break from
making it to make a movie that was lighter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/09/11/BAG6P8N5N41.DTL">big
bike race</a> in my neighborhood, which pretty much
puts me in lockdown for the day. I don't know what they
were doing to get ready last night but it was noisy.
So I'm a bit zoned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1134)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1134"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e835" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e835"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e835"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001385.php#comments">Paul
blogged</a> about a <a href="http://www.theunionleader.com/articles_showa.html?article=42828">woman
who was told by Southwest airline</a> that she needed
to buy a second seat because of her weight. She was
already in the seat, with her seat belt buckled and
there was no one next to her. She is suing Southwest
claiming that the policy is not uniformly enforced and
that women and people of color are more often targeted.
Similarly sized white men are not asked to pay for their
second seat. I have no doubt that she's right.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
one of those things you can't quite explain to people
who don't experience discrimination of any kind. There's
just something you notice in the way you are treated
in public situations. And you look around and notice
who isn't being treated in any particular way. It may
be subjective. But you know the old saying. Just because
I'm paranoid doesn't mean I'm not being treated badly.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She's
an interesting woman. She has her <a href="http://www.warmspirit.com/">own
company</a>, which was written about in <a href="http://www.essence.com/essence/workandwealth/yourmoney/0,16109,663652,00.html">Essence.</a>
She was on her way to a conference that her company
was sponsoring about empowering women. She decided to
get off the plane rather than pay for the second seat
and she was met by two county sheriffs.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Imagine
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
issue always pits people of size against thin and average
sized people in terms of comfort and safety. Most of
the people (of all sizes) I know who fly regularly
talk about how uncomfortable flying can be. So it must
be clear that the seats aren't really comfortable for
anyone. And I think people have a right to be comfortable
in their seat. I just don't know why the airline companies
aren't the ones who are asked to fix the problem. I
know airline companies are failing financially. But
here's an idea, be the airline that makes an effort
to provide comfortable seating for everyone. There's
a commercial for one airline in which they move the
seat to provide more leg room. So...? Is more ass room
really that much harder to provide?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
another thing that's subjective. How do you determine
who is fat enough to charge for the second seat? I'm
glad Ms. Thompson is calling out the possibility that
women and people of color might be targeted more often
but the discrimination is about size. She was already
in her seat. There wasn't anyone next to her. She flew
Southwest often and she fit into the seat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't. I don't fit into the seat. On the rare occasion
that I fly, I go to great lengths to make sure I'm not
pushing over on anyone. And if an airline company advertised
that they wanted my business and were making sure that
they had some seats with movable armrests, on an aisle,
or even seats that are wider, I'd be booking with them.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just aghast that this policy still stands. Southwest
is doing well financially. There's something about that.
Something deeply offensive. They are a mean spirited
company known for discrimination. And they are doing
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1135)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1135"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Van Gogh and Chekhov and all great people have know inwardly that they
were something. They have had a passionate conviction of their
importance, of the life, the fire, the god in them. But they were never
sure that others would necessarily see it in them, or that recognition
would ever come." - Brenda Ueland
(via <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/09/and-one-more-thing.html">Whiskey
River)<br></a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e836" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e836"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e836"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:24
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
For some inexplicable reason
I left for yoga an hour early. I always leave a bit
early because traveling by bus can be so unreliable.
But an hour? I didn't realize it until I was on the
bus and the digital display read 10:05. It wasn't the
biggest problem. I went to a coffee shop and read for
awhile. I even had some minutes on a card I had purchased
for Internet access so I used their computer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read <a href="http://www.panix.com/~mgates/towers.htm">Michael's
piece about 9/11</a> and his <a href="http://www.panix.com/~mgates/ashes.htm">poem</a>.
I've seen so many images from that day. I'm almost inured.
But knowing that Michael had taken those made them more
real. And I felt the torpor lift and the sadness returned.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
card ran out just as I was beginning to read <a href="http://www.thispublicaddress.com/archives/000815.php">Jeff's
personal cultural inventory</a>. Arg. I knew I could
finish it when I got home. So I moved to another table
and got back into my book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Coffee
before yoga. Not the best thing. But I was holding poses
longer than I have been. So. Ya know. That was good.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I had my coffee cart at <a href="http://www.newcollege.edu/">NCOC</a>
I walked on Valencia every day. I knew all the street
people. Some by name. There was one woman. I always
made sure I had change in my pocket for her. I saw her
today. She looks thinner. I gave her some money. Not
enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
took a long time to get home. That happens sometimes.
When I got home I was sweaty and stinky and dazed. But
I powered up and went straight to finish the Jeff writing.
Check e-mail. Comments. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1136)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1136"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e837" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e837"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e837"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Adrienne sent <a href="http://www.tomspetition.org/impact.php?uid=a03060c9be44d3da4dc86ae1b9fe10ab">this
link.</a> Very important. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1137)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1137"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e838" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e838"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e838"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
When I went to college I had
some vague ideas about becoming a therapist. I do so
love talking personal process. I also get tired of it.
I have friends who tell the same story over and over
and I wonder if they aren't sick of hearing it. I kinda
am. I wouldn't do well taking money to listen to the
same story over and over. With my friends I can say
things. I'm pretty good at being able to say stop telling
the same fucking story. Figure out a way to make a change.
And not say it too harshly. After all, I have my own
tape loops. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
advisor, at school, steered me away from the therapist
thing. But she never quite steered me anywhere else.
I ended up in an MFA program. Really. That's how it
felt. It felt like ending up. I don't regret it. I got
to read and write for two years. I wrote a book. I met
some cool people. It's all good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
What now? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
I didn't expect was that I would like college. Of course
I went to a hippie school. But still. I loved going
to class. I loved the rhythm of the day. I loved the
reading. And the writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read academic bloggers talking about how life in the
academy is fraught. I can imagine that it is. And now
I've finished reading <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0375413189-3">Karen
Armstrong's</a> account of her own failed dissertation.
Failed in a controversial episode in which her reader
was known to not like the manner of her writing. It
seems that the college knew she was wronged in this
political, institutional ego kind of way. And still.
After years of work. She didn't get her Ph.D.
What is that about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not about the letters. It's about the way all institutions
become clogged with bad human silliness. I always become
too involved. I always go crazy and have to leave. What
makes me think I'd be able to avoid this in a college?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Still.
I have this idea that I'd like to teach. And I might
like to work on another degree. Maybe in philosophy.
Oh. I don't know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1138)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1138"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e839" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e839"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e839"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Awhile ago <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e730">I
wrote about having fallen in love.</a> I knew then that
falling might not be the best way to arrive at love.
And maybe love isn't what we arrive at when we fall.
What ever. I felt strong feelings for a person based
solely on their writing and their politics and their
artistry and their aesthetic and just feeling. Just
an overwhelming feeling of attraction and recognition
and relatedness and ...oh. So much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Things
didn't go well. And lots of that is about me. I'm not
sure why they went as badly as they did. I don't think
I understood everything that was happening. I know I
didn't. But I still could read them. And I took comfort
in that. I just realized that I've lost access. I'm
blocked. Or it's all gone. Or I dunno what. And it hit
me in the heart. So hard.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been doing a lot of work to compartmentalize my feelings.
I didn't want to lose the love and admiration I had
for the person just because the relationship wasn't
going to be what I wanted it to be. I've experienced
the anger, the loss, the grief, the frustration and
I've worked on it all. I was feeling like I'd put it
all into a place. I still found them in my thoughts
from time to time. I still felt my heart expand when
that happened. But I wasn't suffering quite so much.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now. My throat is swollen with emotion. The tears are
falling. I feel like I've been punched in the chest.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
read a few people lately, writing about finding it hard
to want to blog. They all have their reasons. It's been
harder for me this year. I'm in the middle of my forth
year of on line writing. And it's been quite a ride.
But the people draw me back. The people I read. The
people who read me. So many beautiful hearts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's about writing. That's where I always return. I
remind myself that it's about writing. I shake off my
awareness of stats and referrers and who is zoomin
who and I focus on writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I just. Feel. So. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways this is a good time for this to happen. I
didn't intentionally set out to read all these books
about women's lives but reading about Lucy Grealy and
Karen Armstrong I've felt some sense of peace about
my single life. So the tightness and the tears are just
what they are. I have to accept this. And I will. I
don't know what else to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
bother to post about it?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first began this on line writing I had the feeling
of putting a message in a bottle. And that may be what
this is. Because I don't accept loss easily. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Access
denied. Wow. OK then. Deep breath. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1139)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1139"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e840" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e840"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e840"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I went through cycles of stages
of grief all day. One minute
I was checking system requirements
for Sims Two. The next I was
sobbing on the bed. Then some
reading. Then some dusting and
book moving. Then some lists
of why I'm mad. Feeling. Not feeling.
Feeling.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
the end of the day I was exhausted. Spent. Flattened.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning. Well. I'm OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
always hard for me to accept that there is nothing I
can do. I ought to be able to say something. Just the
right thing. I'm so good with words, doncha know? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="322">
<tr>
<td width="316"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/372">And the lost heart stiffens and rejoices
In the lost lilac and the lost sea voices
And the weak spirit quickens to rebel
For the bent golden-rod and the lost sea smell
Quickens to recover
The cry of quail and the whirling plover
And the blind eye creates
The empty forms between the ivory gates
And smell renews the salt savour of the sandy earth</a></span></font></pre>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really am OK. Just sad. Which seems an obvious response.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1140)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1140"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e841" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e841"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e841"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Last week I started this new
piece of writing in hopes of
sending it to a magazine. I
was in the groove. Then I got
busy and then there was yesterday
and today I seem to be in a
trance. I hate when I'm like
this. I keep talking out loud
to myself. Saying, "Do
something. Do something"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
made some tuna salad. <a href="http://www.fatso.com/">Marilyn</a>
has this great saying about
life being too short for self
hatred and celery sticks. It
makes me laugh. Somewhere there
is someone eating celery instead
of cake because they want to
be good. But I hafta tell ya,
I like cake but I also like
celery. Very much! I
was chopping it up for the tuna
and eating stalk after stalk.
Celery is under valued. It's
refreshing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I was reading through the blog
roll. <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog">Amp
posted his male privilege list</a>,
which I can't seem to link directly
but just scroll down. Makes
me wanna hug him. While I was
there I followed a link to a
<a href="http://desfemmes.blogspot.com/">new blog</a>.
New enough that I could go through the archives. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="359">
<tr>
<td width="353"><div class="post-body">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Focus. This blog is not about U.S. politics or feminism in general,
but about the specific instances where I see women treated dismissively.</span></font></p>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<div class="post-body">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Seeing these casual unremarked insults dismays me; </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">the insults are coming from the liberal side.</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
Without anyone protesting, cowards are called "pussies" and denigrated
as being "little girls." I'm starting to understand why some women,
even though they detest Bush, refuse to support the Democratic
candidate. Why bother voting? One party's just like another.</span></font></p>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<div class="post-body">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Is there </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">any</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> possibility these people are unaware they're
using femaleness as the ultimate insult? What about "bitch slap"--is
there any doubt that phrase reduces women to nameless punching bags?</span></font></p>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<div class="post-body">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Do I really need to explain why these insults are wrong? Mimicking
how the other side thinks is a poor excuse: when you use their terms
you're allowing them to set the rules.</span></font></p>
</div>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Interesting.
I have a terrible habit of using really terrible language
from years of working in kitchens and playing in a rock-n-roll
band. There are some words I don't use, or if I do use
them you know I've lost my grip in some deep and fundamental
way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day, when I was sitting in the cafe I overheard
a man say to another man, "She looks pretty good
for 48."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cough.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I guess 48 year old people just don't look good. And
if they do, it's an oddity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
just let this stuff come out of our mouths. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thanks
for all the comments of support for me and my heart
ache. In my dreams I am flying around hugging all of
you. I was struck by Hershey Wier's comment. <a href="Focus.%20This%20blog%20is%20not%20about%20U.S.%20politics%20or%20feminism%20in%20general,%20but%20about%20the%20specific%20instances%20where%20I%20see%20women%20treated%20dismissively">Ms
Wier</a> seems like a lovely person. Her comment was
kind and generous. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="351">
<tr>
<td width="345">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Rather than 'fatshadow,' I think of this blog as a wise-shadow,
warm-shadow, something deserving of the beauty and depth you offer.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
because I'd been spending so much time reading the blog
and was thinking about my own lanquaging of things,
I read that part of the comment and wondered if being
fat meant I couldn't also be wise and warm. I'm sure
that wasn't the intention. People are often troubled
by my use of the word fat and the way in which I claim
my size as a part of what makes me who I am. If I am
warm and wise, that's all to the good. I'm also fat.
And I'm not feeling like that's a bad thing. I don't
call this blog fatshadow in a self deprecating manner.
I claim the word. I claim it as part of the beauty of
who I am. I eat celery because I like it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
was <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=15278101&dopt=Abstract">a
study done at Yale</a> in which they determined that
fat people accept all of the wrong headed ideas associated
with being fat. We are complicit in our own oppression.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Unless,
we refuse to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I didn't get back to the piece of writing. But I will.
I'm shaking off the loss. I think I'm snapped out of
the trance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1141)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1141"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e842" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e842"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e842"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Maria</a>
was reading <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0618230653-0">this
book</a> in <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000385.html">July</a>
and I picked it up at some point but didn't quite get
into it until just now. It's interesting because Karen
Armstrong has temporal lobe epilepsy. So I feel as if
I'm on some kind of track in my book selections. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just read this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="356">
<tr>
<td width="350">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Thousands
of authors simply write their diaries directly
onto Web pages for the rest of the world
to read. Why do people want to recount their
lives? What could it mean to want to share
ones world view with strangers? I have a
few theories but I'll save them until chapter
6.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
I really. Need. To skip ahead. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1142)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1142"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e843" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e843"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e843"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:35
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Third time through the <strike>third</strike>
forth wall. First <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George.</a>
Then <a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/">Siona.</a>
And today I met <a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/">Kathryn.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
talked. And talked. I'm telling ya. If you asked me
what we talked about ...I just don't think I could tell
ya. We talked about ... it all. We talked about the
problematic nature of personal writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Does
your mother know you blog? Mine doesn't. My mom and
I work really hard to hold onto the little bit of territory
on which we can coexist and to some extent that's because
she doesn't really know me. And I, who like to let it
all be out there, have resigned myself to her not knowing.
She wouldn't get it. She wouldn't like it. There may
come a day when she finds out. Till then, no. She doesn't
need to know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend in my MFA program wrote a wonderful piece about
a visit with some friends. The friends were not happy
about it. There is a part of me that wants to think
that if you're friends, or family with a writer you
gotta know you might end up in their writing. And if
you're a writer and you write about people you gotta
expect that people may not take kindly to being written
about. It's an issue. I don't write about everything
that happens to me, or everyone I know. But I do write
about people on my blog. So far, it's been OK. But it
is an issue. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the blogging relationship. Meeting people
and getting to know them through their writing. Is it
real? Is it weird? I did not skip ahead in the book
so I still don't know what <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0618230653-0">Ms.
Flaherty</a> thinks. I'll let you know when I do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me the good conversations are not the ones in which
you arrive anywhere. I like it when you end up with
more questions than answers. And we raised some questions.
It was very fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
came home buzzed on two double caps and all that talk.
Happily distracted from the ache in my heart. I thought
I might take a nap but no. Laying there in a curl on
my bed I wondered if I could cry until all the water
in my body was drained out. Then the wind could come
and blow what was left away. And then I realized that
I was too distracted. I was distracted by Kathryn's wonderful
story. I was distracted by the need to get to chapter
six. I was distracted by the pigeons who were obviously
courting in Washington Square Park and the humming bird
manically flying in the tree above our heads and the
man with the big piece of wood that seemed like it might
be part of a bed and the conversation with the Italian
guys in Cafe Roma and seeing <a href="http://www.peskin2004.com/">Aaron
Peskin</a>, first in <a href="http://www.caferoma.com/">Cafe
Roma</a> and then at <a href="http://www.mooses.com/">Mooses.</a>
And <a href="http://www.heartsinsf.com/project.html">the
hearts</a>. And thinking about writing about it all.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I uncurled. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1143)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1143"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e844" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e844"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e844"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The first time a person told
me they skimmed books I was shocked. The person was
well read, intelligent, a writer. And they skimmed?
Since then I've come to realize that many people skim.
I force myself through every word. If I space out when
I'm reading (and I space out a lot when I'm reading)
I reread. Consequently I am a slow reader. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got to chapter six late last night. I had a really hard
time staying focused when she was writing about depression
and writing. Wonder why? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Her
conclusion is that we have a primal desire for our words
to mean something to someone else, somewhere. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
really enjoying the book. Her personal narrative about
writing, lots of little stories about other writers
and some science all add up to be quite interesting.
The advise for how to break writers block was lost on
me. I don't feel blocked. Neither am I hypergraphic.
I'm just struggling to keep myself moving forward in
life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do feel all these sensations in my head while I read
about parts of the brain. But I'm probably imagining
that. Right? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night Blogrolling was down. Then Blogrolling came back
and All Consuming was down. This morning they're both
down. Which means it takes my page about three days
to load. And I don't have a blogroll. It's making me
grouchy.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1144)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1144"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e845" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e845"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e845"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I know a woman who was talking
to me in the aftermath of a broken relationship. She
didn't want to imagine her former paramour with anyone
else. Ever. I certainly understood the sentiment. But.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me jealousy is in the body. It's cold, icy water in
the veins. It's murderous and vain. I'd rather be alone
than ever feel it again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also know it's just a thing. Just a human thing. Just
a reminder that I have work to do in my heart. And I
can't really imagine that if I love someone that I would
want them to be alone and not happy about it. That doesn't
seem congruous. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Two
things are true at the same time. I can feel jealous
and still not wish ill for anyone. It is hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
You do the work and you find yourself on the same raft
in the middle of the ocean. That port that you thought
was safe harbour was not. You are in exile again. But.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are notes. In bottles. In the water. All around you.
You can read them and they make you laugh. And cry.
And they make you mad. And they are more comfort than
all the rest in the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure about acceptance. I thought it was a destination
and instead I find that it is an endless expanse of
blue. Sometimes calm. Sometimes stormy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1145)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1145"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e846" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e846"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e846"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:15
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Heart: Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
Knock it off. It is what it is. Let the fuck go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
OK. OK. Struggle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
Read something. Listen to some music. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
Are you mad? There isn't any music in this apartment
that wouldn't kill me. I may never listen to music again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
For fuck sake. Get a grip. Do I have to talk you through
this again? I'm sick of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Body:
Let's just take a shower. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
No. No. Just let me be. I'm feeling. That's what I do.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
Not useful. Not right now. Not going to help. Stop for
a minute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Body:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
Struggle. Struggle. Struggle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
I give up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
No you don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Body:
Just a short shower. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
I do. I give up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
Struggle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
Struggle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:
OK. I'll stop.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
No you won't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Body:
Pay attention. I'm beggin ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head:
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heart:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Start
over.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1146)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1146"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e847" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e847"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e847"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Mom called early in the day
to say that she wouldn't be calling at 8:00. She had
no power and neither did much of <a href="http://www.citizen-times.com/cache/article/news/61742.shtml">Western
NC.</a> I was torn between wanting to get on a plane
and get there as fast as I could and relief that I didn't
have to have a another one of our difficult conversations
about why I can't find a job. I don't know what I think
I could do in NC that would be useful but I can't stand
it when I think she needs help and I'm this far away.
At 8:00 she called. She had power, full of stories about
what she had done to prepare and trees that had fallen.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
wondering about <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
because there is no Saturday morning me happening. <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/">Marie</a>
posted to say she is Ok but things are <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/flood.jpg">water
logged.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Moyers
did <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/science/climatechange.html">a
bit on Global warming</a> that seemed particularly apt
to me, sweltering in my little bake oven apartment.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
thinking about everyone I know in the South East and
the gulf. Fretting. Wondering. There were tornadoes
and high winds all the way <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A31218-2004Sep18.html">to
Virginia and Maryland</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
news was so full of worry. I just listened and chewed
my lip and sent up thoughts of warmth and safety and
calm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1147)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1147"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Whenever
I read Kafka, I
wonder: what sort
of dejection is
this, that leaves
one the strength
to write, and write,
and write? If you
can write about
the wreckage, the
wreckage is not
complete. You are
intact. Here's a rule;
the despairing writer
is never the most
despairing person
in the world. -
Leon Wieseltier</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This
inescapable duty
to observe oneself:if
someone else is
observing me, naturally
I have to observe
myself too:if none
observe me, I have
to observe myself
all the closer.
- Franz Kafka <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0618230653-0">via
the book</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e848" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e848"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e848"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:51
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
When I was talking to <a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/">Kathryn</a>
I mentioned that I would never write about my cousins.
In <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">the
book</a> they are mentioned when I talk about how they
came over after church on Sundays and on holidays but
they are not named or written about in detail. They
are private people and they aren't central in my story.
I write about my mom and dad and a few aunts and my
grandparents. They're private people as well. But they
are central to my story. It's an ethical dilemma for
a person writing memoir. Who gets outted? I did write
about a few romantic relationships that didn't work
out as well. I think I was fair. I hope I was. It should
be clear that I am writing from my perspective and they
can write their version. And now I'm going to write
about one of my cousins. I'm going to write them nameless
and genderless to assuage my feelings of bad faith.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60031265">Radio</a>
yesterday. It's one of those movies that I was unsure
I would like. It could have been a little too after
school special. But the acting is wonderful. Deborah
Winger is in it, playing the housewife. I don't know
why but that surprised me. Everyone in the film, even
the people you don't like much is played with dignity.
It's a story about a man who chooses not to ignore the
person who wanders by with a shopping cart and seems
a little crazy. It's about a community making room for
someone who isn't easy and slick and able. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
cousin is probably autistic. When and where we were
growing up there wasn't a lot of knowledge about autism.
My cousin's parents were divided about whether or not
there was anything wrong. So my cousin went to the same
school I went to and was hounded and abused. In college
some kids locked my cousin a closet. My cousin never
even called out for help and never finished college.
My cousin reads everything but is most interested in
politics. Ask any question about who said what in their
state of the union address and my cousin can tell you
word for word. But knowing that the milk has expired
and should not be consumed is another thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
always believed that my cousin would end up in a home.
When my uncle died, five or six years ago, my cousin
stayed in the house and has done a fairly remarkable
job of getting by. There are people in the neighborhood
and from the church who help and my other cousins
check in and handle the money. Eventually my cousin
may end up in a home. My cousin is five years older
than I am. Sometimes I think I'll be institutionalized
before they will.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was flooded with memories while I watched the movie.
There are big differences in the two narratives but
there is a central theme about humanity and ability
and how narrow our view on who is interesting can be.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/archives/000586.html">Kathryn
mentioned</a> an <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=FB0B1EFD3A5F0C758DDDAB0894DB404482">article
from the NYT</a>, which I was able to access and now
am not able to access. Grumble. Gripe. Oh but wait.
I <a href="http://www.racematters.org/harrietmcbrydejohnson.htm">can
access it somewhere else.</a> I love the Internet.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was written by <a href="http://www.newmobility.com/review_article.cfm?id=811&action=browse">Harriet
McBryde Johnson.</a> who had a conversation with a man
who thinks we should make sure that there are no
more Radios, no one like my cousin, no one in a wheel
chair. Only the strong and beautiful and quick. Better
dead than disabled. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wish I could link the articles in which I read these
things. I should have kept a file. But I have read numerous
things in which people say they would rather be dead
than fat. And I've read people who were interviewed
about whether or not they would chose to abort a baby
if they knew it would be born with any number of physical
"problems." Fat was on that list and
the number of people who would chose to abort a baby
rather than have a fat a child was high enough to put
a chill in my heart. For many people the solution is
too simple. No has to be fat, right? Diet and exercise,
right? Well. No. Not that simple. And more to the point,
why can't some of us be fat? Why is that such a horror?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the article Harriet McBryde Johnson writes:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="389">
<tr>
<td width="383">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It's not that I'm ugly. It's more that most people don't know how to
look at me. The sight of me is routinely discombobulating. The power
wheelchair is enough to inspire gawking, but that's the least of it. Much
more impressive is the impact on my body of more than four decades of a
muscle-wasting disease. At this stage of my life, I'm Karen Carpenter
thin, flesh mostly vanished, a jumble of bones in a floppy bag of skin.
When, in childhood, my muscles got too weak to hold up my spine, I tried a
brace for a while, but fortunately a skittish anesthesiologist said no to
fusion, plates and pins -- all the apparatus that might have kept me
straight. At 15, I threw away the back brace and let my spine reshape
itself into a deep twisty S-curve. Now my right side is two deep canyons.
To keep myself upright, I lean forward, rest my rib cage on my lap, plant
my elbows beside my knees. Since my backbone found its own natural shape,
I've been entirely comfortable in my skin.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not that I'm ugly. It's more that people don't know
how to look at me. Yep. And since her backbone found
"its own natural shape" she is comfortable.
A body in its own natural shape is truly, deeply comfortable.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a way in which the movie sentimentalizes the role
of the less able in the life of the able and athletic.
I sort of ignored that part. I was too enamoured of
the inclusion and the insistence that inclusion
be the norm. That insistence came from the coach but
was echoed by many. The Deborah Winger character says
something about how caring for someone is never wrong.
It seems so simple and obvious. But it's not simple
and obvious at all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is easier to care for the beautiful, strong, able, bright
and shiny. It does require a kind of effort to know
how to look and really see people. True caring asks
us for some effort. I think, for the people who make
the effort, it doesn't feel like effort. It feels obvious.
Maybe for some people it is effortless. Maybe there
is some innate character involved. But as long as we
are living in a system that floods us with images and
ideas about what beauty is I think we need to make some
effort to check ourselves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
cousin is miles away. Like most of my biological family.
I've always been worried that if they knew my politics
they might be upset. My cousin does get upset and leans
a bit to the right. But is also fond of Nader. So maybe
we'd be more in line than I imagine. I send the occasional
letter and macadamia nuts and all my love and gratitude
for how having such a family member shaped who I am
and how I see things. Perhaps they are more central
to my life than I know.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1148)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1148"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e849" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e849"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e849"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I didn't go down stairs to get
the mail yesterday. I got it
today. In it was a rejection
from <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The
Sun.</a> A very kind and
quirky rejection.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Intellectually
I know that rejection is part
of the deal. Everything I read
about writing and writers mentions
rejection. Emotionally I always
feel them. I must be getting
better at dealing with them
because I'm not too devastated.
Although, I've been so down
all week I really might not
be able to tell if I do feel
bad.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
also, I watched <a href="http://www.cinemajidi.com/baran/">Baran.</a>
It was so beautiful. Maybe the
best love story ever. When it
was over I felt calm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0618230653-0">the
book</a> she mentions that Milan
Kundera has coined a useful
term, graphomania, the desire
to be published. Kundera worries
that mass graphomania threatens
the meaning of the written word.
And he was worried before there
were blogs.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not worried about the written
word. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I noticed I had dropped
from an <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=rodent">adorable
little rodent</a> to a <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=mollusc">slimy
mollusc.</a> By the afternoon
I was back as a rat. I liked
being a flappy bird and I wouldn't
mind being a marauding marsupial
but the rat thing kinda bugs
me. Not sure why the fall and
rise occurred and not at all
worried about it. I don't understand
it well enough to be worried
about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
two parts of the book that were
hardest for me to take in were
when she wrote about depression
and when she wrote about our
desire for meaning. It's hard
for me not to take the rejection
from a magazine that I adore
as a profound rejection. More
to the point, I struggle to
not take it as a sign that my
whole project of trying to be
published is futile. I read
too many follow your bliss narratives
and I feel like I've been on
this follow your bliss journey
that has left me on the a fore
mentioned raft in the middle
of too much blue. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the other hand, I am published.
Everyday. And some very lovely
people are kind enough to stop
by and read what I have to say.
N has <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/2004/09/technorati-tunes.php">a
post about Technorati.</a> A
post that made me smile in that
half smile kind of way. I can't
figure out my Technorati status
I read the numbers. I'm just
not sure what they mean. I like
looking at the list of people
who are reading me. Sometimes
I meet new people there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first opened the rejection
I thought about writing about
it and I thought I'd start by
saying that you should read
it imagine me talking in the
most whiny voice possible. But
after the movie I feel ... oh,
I dunno. For so much of the
world life is such an endless
struggle. And people can be
so deeply moved by so little.
Two sets of hands picking up
things that have fallen from
a basket can be so sensual.
So erotic. And I am left satisfied
knowing that every little moment
has some beauty. Beauty that
I don't always see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
sometimes I do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Too
much of me in the parts about depression. Too much of
me in the parts about a desire for meaning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a scene in an old episode of The West Wing in which
Bartlett is in Washington Cathedral and he is mad. He
calls God a feckless thug. He smokes a cigarette and
he throws the cig onto the floor and walks out. What
a tantrum ! I loved it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="337">
<tr>
<td width="331"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/372">Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the bless�d face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice</a></span></font></pre>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do not hope to turn again. I am not following my bliss.
It's just Sunday night. I'm remembering images from
tender portrayal of an impossible love and listening
to <a href="http://brianlynchjazz.com/">Brian Lynch</a>
play Atras Da Porta. Certainly reasons enough to rejoice.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1149)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1149"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e850" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e850"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e850"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
60 minutes re-aired <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/09/17/60minutes/main644076.shtml">a
piece about the diet industry in Durham</a>. I knew
better than to watch. But. Well. I did watch. My main
gripe is with the tone of the piece. There was this
constant sneer in how everything that was said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="298">
<tr>
<td width="292">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Thousands come annually, and they lose about 100 tons a year � about the
same weight as the fully loaded planes they ride in on.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What?
I mean. Is that funny? Or just weird? Or what? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
mention that the fat people use humor as a defense mechanism.
Yes. We are a jolly lot. We just laugh and laugh all
the live long day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Eighty
million dollars a year. It makes my head hurt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Three
years after 60 minutes did this show they checked in
on the people they had featured. Two people regained
the weight and then had their stomachs mutilated. Two
people maintained their weight loss. And one has gained
more weight. Not once was there any question about the
program. The implication is that the fat people just
went back to their eat more/move less ways and now they
are fat again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cha-ching.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a section of the show talking about a row of fast
food joints and a table full of fat people talking about
how they want to sneak off and gorge. I don't know.
1400 calories of what looked like pretty bad food might
make fast food look good to me. But I doubt it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know there are fat people gorging on bad food and not
getting any exercise. But I wish there were some deeper
analysis. I wish there was some thinking about the culture
of consumption in which a potato chip is supposed to
have the power to make life fun. I wish there was some
thinking about how food has been rendered devoid of
nutrition in the name of convenience. I wish there was
some discussion about the impact of stress on bodies
with a natural propensity for fatness. And I wish there
was some acknowledgement that some people are just fat.
So what? This was a show mocking the existence of a
whole town full of people on a diet and pointing out
how many of them were just too weak willed to simply
eat less and exercise more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Eighty
million dollars a year.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first time I heard about Durham was in <a href="http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2004/05/03/fat_girl/index_np.html">Wendy
Shanker's book</a>. I wish I liked her book better
than I do. She does try to sound fat and feisty. She
does mention <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>.
I just had problems with the way she talks about it
all. She went to Durham. Jean Renfro Anspaugh was on 60
minutes. She's also written <a href="http://www.fatlikeus.com/about.asp">a
book.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="347">
<tr>
<td width="341">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="arial" size="2">I have now transcended fat identity. I have
quit comparing myself to the models in the magazines. I have stopped
being the designated buffer within my family. I have quit stifling
emotions and soothing the angry waters of conflict with that great
comforter � food. And food! It has ceased to be my nemesis, always
lurking, waiting for a chance to pounce. No longer do I eat food for
comfort only. I try to eat for pleasure, not nourishment, not because
it is good for me, not because it postpones scary feelings, but just
because it tastes good and pleases me. And guess what? I actually eat a
little less that way. </font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.
What does it mean to transcend fat identity? She sounds
like she's worked through her issues with food but what
does it mean to transcend fat identity? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="368">
<tr>
<td width="362">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">If somebody gave me a magic potion that
wiped out my propensity for obesity, would I take it? You better
believe it. Life is just easier when you are thin. People treat you
with respect rather than ridicule. Airplane seats actually fit your
behind without seepage. You can buy great clothes any place. People who
reject you when you are fat want to be around you when you are thin.
But nobody has come up with that potion, so I will go on living my
life, striving for what I want and trying not to be limited by my body
type
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
just doesn't sound transcendent. Much like Wendy Shanker
she is saying that she's gotten out of the diet
industry house of mirrors and that's great. But if someone
somewhere finds a potion ... well then. She's there.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Let
me just say this. Very clearly. If you are someone (and
I doubt that people who read me are) who would
treat me with respect and not ridicule if I were thin
and not fat, stay as far away from me as you can. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Seepage?
Huh? Do I seep? My ass hangs off the seat. It isn't
seeping. It just doesn't fit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Since
I have always been some amount of fat, my identity is
that of a fat person. If I lost 200 pounds that would
still be true. I do not seek to transcend the story
of my life, or my body. I seek to integrate. I seek
authenticity. I do not seek to subtract an amount of
my body from the story of who I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Eighty
million dollars a year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are complicit in our own oppression. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you are a person who works really hard to eat well and
exercise in an attempt to not be fat, knock yourself
out. But why not shift the articulation? Why not eat
well because it feels good. Eat for pleasure sometimes.
If eating is a comfort, eat for comfort. Some
times. If you're eating with panic and fear and a desperate
need then you might want to do some work on that. If
you are not a naturally active person, take a little
walk. Do some stretches. Maybe swim. If you'd rather
be reading a book then read the book. If you were thin
no one would say a word to you. Live your life the way
that feels congruous to your ultimate life project.
And if someone smirks at the size of your ass tell them
to kiss it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
example, 60 Minutes can kiss my fat ass. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I'm on this rant, let me mention that <a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/">Pattie</a>
and Carl have launched their <a href="http://www.threewisetwins.com/ampletraveler/">new
site</a>. There is room for everybody. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1150)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1150"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e851" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e851"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e851"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I just stood up from my chair
and did this hands over my head dance reminiscent of
the Jerk. There wasn't even any music on. Remember the
Jerk? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mention it because I think I was exceptionally cute
in that go-go girl moment. I wish someone had filmed
it. I wish I knew how to post it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
will just have to use your imaginations. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1151)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1151"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e852" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e852"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e852"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I'm a little bit ... um ...
something. Not sure what. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
one of the critiques I have of the size acceptance community
is that we don't have a way to talk about the difficulty
of fat life without sounding like we're off politic.
People without a fully developed analysis bang into
those with fierce commitment and sparks fly. My sense
of this is that living in a fat hating world is so oppressive
and the community is so fragmented we all feel a little
hopped up. We spark at every little thing. We correct
each other more than anyone corrects us. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Perhaps
my critique of the woman who was on 60 Minutes and Wendy
Shanker was overly harsh. Perhaps I wasn't careful enough
in making it clear that I was critiquing their language
and not their life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Would
it be easier to be thin? Absolutely. Is there anything
wrong with wanting an easier life? No. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't live in a sublime place in which I am always fat
positive and if I falter there is a fat positive friend
there to hold me up. I live in the same fat hating world
everyone else does. Despite the fact that San Francisco
has a relatively organized fat political community with
fat positive social situations, it's almost worse here.
Because the city that is all about diversity is still
full of people whose eyes glaze over when I talk about
fat issues. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the blog world I am rarely linked by a thin or average
sized blogger when I do a fat rant. I am linked by other
people working on their own fat identity. I long to
read the post on the blog of a thin or average sized
person that talks about a difference in perspective
they may have arrived at because they read something
here. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
left doesn't get it. The left is almost more fat hating
than the right. Eighty million dollars a year. Can I
get some Marxist analysis from someone? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
objection to the 60 minutes piece was about the tone.
You can read <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/09/17/60minutes/main644076.shtml">the
transcript</a> but you won't see the accompanying images
of fat bodies. You will see the fat male belly with
no head if you follow the link. Unlike most news pieces about
fat people, there were some fat people filmed with their
faces showing. But there were also plenty of the head
missing fat bodies. It's just so much easier to feel
superior to someone when you don't have to look into
their eyes. A fat body moving through space with all
the accompanying jiggles is such an object of destain.
For me, there was a tone through the whole piece of
mockery. Isn't it just crazy that there's a eighty million
dollar industry in this one town? Why can't those fat
people just eat less, exercise more and get with the
program? No one questions the effectiveness of a program
in which there is such a high post-program "failure"
rate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do a lot of work to sustain my own fat positive ideas.
There <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">are people</a>
doing a lot of work to challenge the cultural ideas
about fat people. But it is work. I never find it difficult
to hear a fat person say that being fat is hard. But
it is hard for me when fat people say they'd be first
in line for the pill. It happened when the <a href="http://www.drphil.com/show/show.jhtml?contentId=1080_bigfatattitude.xml">NAAFA
women went on Dr. Phil</a>. He looked them in the eye
and asked if there was a pill would they take it. They
equivocated and hedged. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
lets see. Would you take a pill and not have to deal
with all the crap you have to deal with when you are
a fat person? Hmmm. Well. Let me think. Life could be
easier? Who doesn't want that? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I say I wouldn't take the pill I am taking a position
about the value of my life and my life experience. I
didn't chose to be fat. I don't wake up in the morning
and try to make sure I stay fat. My choice is about
owning and valuing my body and my experience. My choice
is about knowing that being fat isn't a horrible experience.
I am not ugly. I am not unattractive. I am not particularly
unhealthy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are issues. There are problems. We do need to be able
to talk about them. I don't want to be part of silencing
of the fat person who is tired of the struggle. I do
want to be able to challenge ideas and tones and articulations
about being fat. I am not living somewhere that all
fat people should aspire to be at. I am doing work on
my perspective and my sense of myself in the world and
no one should imagine that I think my perspective is
more, or less, valid.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still don't know how to describe how I am. I am feeling
too many things all at once. Do I think less of people
who would take the pill? It's not that simple. I feel
sad. I feel hurt. I feel angry. I see the makeover madness
in which the curve of a nose, the shape of a lip, the
swell of a hip, the color of hair, and on and on and
on, are all under scrutiny and attack. But the fat revolution isn't
about appearance and beauty standards. It's about jobs
and health care and access and dignity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1152)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1152"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For the innermost decision,<br>
That we cannot but obey - <br>
For what�s left of our religion,<br>
I lift my voice and pray:<br>
May the lights in The Land of Plenty<br>
Shine on the truth some day.
- <a href="http://leonardcohenfiles.com/tennewsongs.html#19">Leonard</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e853" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e853"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e853"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://leonardcohenfiles.com/birthday70.html">Happy
Birthday, Leonard.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">(Thanks
for letting me know, <a href="http://mikegolby.info/2004/09/innermost-decisions.html">Mike</a>.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hiatus?
I beginning to hate that word. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1153)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1153"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e854" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e854"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e854"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:03
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.futurepoem.com/bookpages/escape.html">
Jo Ann</a> told me about the
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=2-0231122845-0">three</a>
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0231121024-2">Kristeva</a>
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0231128967-1">books</a>.
There were three words that
I could never remember. Life.
Madness. Words. I was excited
then. I ran out and got the
first book. I'm rereading it
now and will probably need to
reread it again. There are sentences.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="355">
<tr>
<td width="349">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Arendt's
critics are quick
to contrast her
Aristotelianism
and Kantism with
Heidegger's Platonism,
that is when those
same critics are
not attributing
her alleged political
irrationality to
the influence of
Heidegger's political
thought. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Makes
my head spin. I recognize the
names. But the implications
elude me. That whole MA/Ph.D
in philosophy is probably beyond
my ability. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the book is a continuation of
my unintended and yet really
fun lives of interesting women
book tour. This one giving me
much to think about in terms
of politics, being and romance.
Arendt was in love with Heidegger
and he was in love with her.
He was also married and she
was much younger. So there was
an intense and problematic
connection. And then there was
the fact that he wouldn't read
her work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="369">
<tr>
<td width="363">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">All
my life I've pulled
the wool over his
eyes, so to speak,
always acted as
if none of that
existed and as if
I couldn't count
to three, unless
it was in the interpretation
of his own works.
Then he was very
pleased when I could
count to three and
sometimes even to
four. Then suddenly
I felt this deception
was becoming just
too boring, and
so I got a rap on
the nose. I was
very angry for a
moment but I'm not
any longer. I feel
instead that somehow
I deserved what
I got, that is,
both for having
deceived him and
for suddenly putting
an end to it. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
much energy is wasted by women
who play dumb so that the man
they love can feel superior?
I'd like to think that it doesn't
happen as often but I'm sure I'd be wrong.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't think I would match the word life to Arendt, given
my l<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0140044507-0">imited</a>
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0805242252-0">reading</a>
of her. I'm getting a new view on her writing, which
of course, makes me want to reread and read more and
you can see how this could never end, right? When Kristina
and I were reading <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-0679733736-0">the
Camus</a> we had this problem. Every paragraph led to
six more books. Not a terrible problem. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Life.
Madness. Words. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1154)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1154"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e855" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e855"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e855"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.futurepoem.com/bookpages/escape.html">
</a>Yesterday started off fussy
and ended up happy. <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
stopped by for some chat. Such a thrill!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
life has always danced back and forth between extremely
extroverted to extremely introverted. When I was <a href="http://www.newcollege.edu/">in
school,</a> running the coffee cart, I was with people
all day. I rarely had time alone. Then there was the
<a href="http://www.usfca.edu/">MFA</a> years. Less
public. More time in front of my computer. I told a
friend that I am in a reclusive time and they reminded
me that I write about my life every day on the world
wide web. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
the most reclusive thing to do. But I am in danger of
contracting into such a tight internal self referential
place. Not good. Not good at all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
there was George. All warmth and wisdom. He ripped some
tuned from his Powerbook for me, including the <a href="http://www.kdlang.com/">new
KD</a>. I feel restored. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1155)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1155"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e856" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e856"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e856"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.futurepoem.com/bookpages/escape.html">
</a>And then I got to meet <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Maria</a>.
Which was just completely wonderful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
met at the <a href="http://www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com/">Ferry
Building</a>. I hadn't been there since it reopened
as the new Bay Area centric mall. It is quite lovely.
Especially if you have lots of cash. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cough.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
ever my critique of consumerism may be, I am tempted
by fresh flowers, locally grown. And <a href="http://www.cowgirlcreamery.com/">Cowgirl
Creamery cheese</a>. And <a href="http://www.scharffenberger.com/">Scharffenberger</a>.
I did not indulge. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Did
I mention? Lots of cash. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cough.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
had lunch at a <a href="http://www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com/html/cafes___restaurants.html#mistral">Rotisserie</a>.
I had pork loin, kobushi squash and green beans. Just
wonderful. And I had <a href="http://www.peets.com/shop/shop.asp">coffee</a>
before and after lunch. I don't drink coffee every day
any more. But oh. It is so good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Best
was the conversation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think the Yoga International is on newsstands. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="188">
<tr>
<td width="182">
<p><a href="http://www.yimag.org/"><img src="YIcover.jpeg" width="185" height="229" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
sent me my copies. I wish my piece were on line. You
can go to the <a href="http://www.yimag.org/ga/yimag/yitoc.asp">table
of contents page</a> and scroll down. There will be
my name and the name of my article. Which, I must say,
is quite a thrill and a balm to the bruising of the
rejection from The Sun. My picture is on the contributors
page with a photo. It's all quite glossy and mofessional.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it mentions fatshadow.com in the bio. Gulp. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Suddenly
I feel like I should brush my hair. Not to mention that
I will be sending a copy to Mom and then, if she chooses
to do so, she can find the blog. I'm not overly concerned.
She's not that interested in the computer. The computer
at their house sits idle under dust covers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
There is something about the idea of someone coming
by via the article. It's not like new people don't come
here from time to time. I think I have developed this
sense of familiarity with my imagined readers. In fact
my hair has already been brushed but only enough to
jam into a hair tie and get it off my neck and away
from my face. I write in my pajamas. It is earlier than
I usually write because I woke up and could not get
back to sleep. Coffee before and after lunch. Double
cappuccino to be exact. I feel the need to clean up.
Double check my punctuation. Not that I don't always.
Not that it helps. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is fun to meet people who you have come to know through
their writing. I can't say that imagine what people
look like except I did think Maria had really dark hair.
I have no idea why I thought that. She is as wonderful
to talk with as she is to read. I've used the word wonderful
twice now and am worrying that I should find another
way to express how much fun it was to spend time with
her. But it was just simply wonder full. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">4:34
PM</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Later that same day. I've been to three book stores
and not found the new YI. So I may have jumped the gun.
Not sure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1156)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1156"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e857" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e857"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e857"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:45
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.futurepoem.com/bookpages/escape.html">
</a>I love <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/09/23/BAGLG8TFPO1.DTL">this
man.</a> I want to hug <a href="http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/092304ap_nw_southwest_suit.html">him</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He's
focusing on the subjective nature of the enforcement
of the policy. Which is as good a place as any to start.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't want it to seem that I want women to have a fully
developed fat identity and don't notice when a man calls
himself "of ample proportion" and not fat.
I noticed. But. I'm trying to see the glass half full.
Or. Something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1157)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1157"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e858" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e858"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e858"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/09/1.html">12.</a></span></font></b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/09/1.html"> Being lost in thoughts is a form of masturbation.</a>
</span></font>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
Yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1158)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1158"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I feel multiple. I am like a room with innumerable fantastic mirrors
that distort by false reflections one single pre-existing reality which
is not there in any of them and is there in them all. --Fernando Pessoa (via
<a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/">A
Glinting Web</a>)</span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e859" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e859"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e859"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Apparently
two fellows have written some
advise for those of us longing
to be more popular in the blogoshere.
I jumped to it <a href="http://mikegolby.info/2004/09/link-whores.html">via
Mike.</a> If it sounds interesting
go check it out there. After
about twenty minutes of link
hopping and reading my jaw was
so tight my teeth were beginning
to crack and I could feel the
veins in my neck thumping. Usually
that's a good sign that it's
time to back away from the screen.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
a list of thing that have troubled
my web life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1.
Trying to participate in a conversation
between other blogs. Writing
post after post and having them
all ignored by the other blogs.
Meanwhile the people who read
this because they love me and
want to know what I'm thinking
and feeling begin to wonder
if I've lost my mind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2.
Linking another blogger in a
desperate attempt to get their
attention.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">3.
Trying to mediate relationships
between bloggers on my blog.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">4.
Checking my stats. Actually
checking my stats could be the
whole list. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">5.
Having my stats go up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">6.
Having my stats go down.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">7.
Writing a post, feeling like
it's good, hoping for comments,
getting none.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">8.
Writing a post, not thinking
too much about whether it's
good or bad, not thinking it
likely that anyone will comment,
getting massive comments. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
know. Ya pay your money and
ya take your chance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I worked in restaurants we spent
hours talking about whether
or not it would be busy and
why. It was useful to know because
it influenced prep. But we also
knew we were making educated
guesses. And we were often wrong.
There is more than
one reason for why a blog becomes
popular. I read a lot of talk
about whether or not women bloggers
get linked as often as male
bloggers. Some women get linked
quite a bit. Let's think about
that for a minute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
always grateful when I am linked.
I am always thrilled when I
am quoted on another blog. Thrilled.
I try to link other bloggers
with regularity. But I've given
up on the notion that any of
it adds up. It seems to me that
linking, posting, or commenting
with the hope that you will
join
the higher ranks of the blog
world is missing the point.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
probably are people who write
on line with no concern for
whether or not they are read
by many. In fact I know there
are people who don't think much
about it. I'm not that good
a person. I am driven by a need
for attention and connection
and approval and affection and
...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Phew.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just hate what it does to me.
I hate what it does to other
people. There are people I read
faithfully who don't really
do much linking of anyone. People
who really are focused on what
they are writing about and why
they are writing and not too
preoccupied with the reader.
Linking. Commenting. There are
no guarantees. What
about writing well? Does that
work? One person's great literature
is another person's beach read.
What I love about blogging is
that it subverts hierarchy. There
can be something for everyone.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
made an effort to respond to the
questions asked on <a href="http://the-goddess.org/whatshesaid/">What
She Said</a> because I am grateful
for the link. And I do support
the promotion of women bloggers.
I got stuck on the first question.
<i>How did you start? Why do
you keep at it? </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
started because I read <a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>
and I saw <a href="http://www.links.net/">Justin</a>
on MSNBC. Writing your life
on line? It seemed kooky. And
cool. And fools do rush in.
When I get too twisted up about
my rank in the blog world I
read them both. Well. I read
them anyway but I read them
and I notice that neither of
them seems to be too wound up
about how popular they are in
the blog world. I remind myself
of how it felt when I found
them. It was fun. And genuine.
From the heart. In the spirit
of play and curiosity and just
... seeing what might be possible.
But why do I keep at it? Oh
jeez. The answer to that changes
everyday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I woke up the other day I was
thinking that this isn't really
a journal because I am aware
of the reader. And it isn't
really a blog in the strictest
sense because in the strictest
sense a blog really is about
hyperlinking your way around
the web. It's more of a
letter. There are days when
it's an expression of hope.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today?
Today it's just me snarking on it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1159)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1159"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e860" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e860"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e860"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
kinda mooky. For a few weeks I've been successfully
fending off a post nasal thing that seemed to come on
in the evening. It started up again on Wednesday night
and I sucked on so many Riccolas my teeth started to
ache. Thursday I knew I was illin but I tried to make
light of it. Deb and I went <a href="http://www.jccsf.org/dc_aquatics.htm">swimming</a>
and then for bento boxes in <a href="http://www.japantown.ws/business/backnumber/7_02/">Japantown.</a>
I believe in the power of miso. But yesterday I succumbed
to the call of the bed. And frankly, right now, I want
to go back there. So. Maybe I will. I'm not terrible.
Just mooky. </span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1160)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1160"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e861" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e861"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e861"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
computer system is hooked up
to an APC battery. It has protected
me when the power went out but
it's also six or seven years
old. It didn't occur to me that
it might wear out. Last week
I started having these little
power pops. It was on and off
so fast that nothing seemed
to be effected except my computer
which would crash. It has continued
to happen and I'm beginning
to wonder if it's not the power
but rather the APC battery.
It hasn't really worked for
awhile. Mom said that the one
she and K have got old and they
were told it would cost more
to recharge it than it would
to get a new one. I hate stuff
like that. I hate the idea of
throwing this big metal thing
into an already overflowing
landfill. In order to test my
theory about it I have to move
the desk and that means moving
a metric ton of books. I just
did not have the energy for
that the last few days. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Whatever
it is that I have going on seems
to have settled into my lungs.
I don't feel terrible. I just
feel exhausted and annoyed and
stuffy. I am not someone who
likes to sleep and for the last
two days I've slept quite a
bit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I was trying to write and e-mail
and the computer crashed three
times, always just as I was
almost finished. The third time
I burst into tears and went
back to bed. I also lost some
writing that I'm trying to finish
since the dead line for submission
is tomorrow. It wasn't that
much writing and I didn't like
it enough to be too upset. But
still. It's like a bad acid
trip. I'm sitting here. Looking
at the screen. Typing. And then
it's just gone. The system is
also on a surge protecting power
bar, which I think is good enough.
I just have to unplug the APC.
So simple. And yet so beyond
me right not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
not. Maybe today I'm better.
I am awake. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000428.html#000428">Maria
wrote</a> about my blogging
post. I figure she linked me
and now I'll link her and we
can toss it back and forth.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
really. I'm linking it because
she titled the poet Learning
To
Walk. I talked about needing
to learn how to walk <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e716">on
my birthday</a> so the metaphor
rang for me. She writes about
publishing her poem on the blog
after it had been rejected by
a journal. And taking a hike.
Maria has been dealing with
her own health challenges and
publishing challenges and I
just relate to it all. But especially
the idea, both literal and metaphoric
of learning to walk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wake up in the morning with
no guideline. I have to look
for a job and submit writing and write and make toast
and tea and post to the blog. The order changes every
day. I am writing this with no tea. Or toast. Everything
feels huge and undoable. Sometimes even the making the
tea feels huge and undoable. And I have to calm myself
and do one thing after another.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been feeling better in general lately. Meeting people.
Getting writing done and out there. Feeling support
from friends. And I still feel OK. I'm just mooky. And
I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out about all
the sleep and the lost writing. I can do it today. It
all feels very tenuous. One step after the other. Falling
on your butt. Getting up. One step after the other again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
I better get some tea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1161)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1161"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">An old bumper sticker says if you're not outraged, you're not paying
attention. Today, if you're not grief-stricken, you're not paying
attention. If you're not terrified, you're not paying attention. But I
also think if we're not hopeful, we're not paying close enough
attention.
- <a href="http://www.upstatefilms.org/weather/jaffe.html">Naomi Jaffee</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e862" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e862"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e862"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:59
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.upstatefilms.org/weather/main.html">The
Weather Underground.</a> And
then I watched it again with
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/weatherunderground/interview.html">Bill
Ayers and Bernadine Dorn</a>
doing commentary. In some ways
the movie leaves a sense of
all these aging radicals looking
back with regret. But when you
listen to Bernadine and Bill
they are as radical and committed
as ever. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was overwhelmed by the feeling
that things have taken such
a turn for the worse in the
last few years. And we are sliding
toward November. I'm just so
afraid. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bill
Ayers said that people always ask them about the violence.
He wonders why no one ever asks Kissinger when he decided
to resort to violence. One persons freedom fighter is
another persons terrorist. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing that is true is that they all feel they were too
certain in their youth. That they needed to have more
doubt. Doubt slows things down and makes time for deep
consideration. I remember how it felt to debate non
violent action vs acts of property destruction. I could
never bring myself to accept destruction. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the movie is a portrait with so many parallels to now.
I wish I could remember the exact words that they used
but it was basically that the awareness of what their
country was responsible for in the world was so repugnant
to them that they had to take action. But what action?
That's always the question. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
we will have the parallel press conference aka the debate.
We will have the election. And please oh please we will
see a change. But even in the best senerion how much
change? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Change
happens slowly. Change happens all at once. <a href="http://www.upstatefilms.org/weather/jaffe.html">Naomi
Jaffe</a> reminds me that there are changes happening
all the time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="515">
<tr>
<td width="509">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There are two main things from my experience in the WUO that I'd find
interesting to discuss in the context of building a multi-racial,
multi-issue resistance to war, racism, fascism and repression. The
first is the optimism that comes from seeing the strength and the
potential for victory of people's resistance movements for justice. We
were really lucky to live through a time of the tremendous upsurge of
people's power. I think it helped at least some of us be able to see
what the forces in power are trying to cover up � that people's
resistance never stopped for 500 years, and it continues to exist
today. It is and has always been a real threat to the existing
structures of power. A couple of inspiring examples from our own time:
1. The people of Puerto Rico threw the Navy out of Vieques! 2. The Free
Mumia movement, in which I'm active, while it hasn't yet succeeded in
freeing Mumia from prison or from Death Row, has prevented Pennsylvania
from killing him as they obviously would have done. And 3. The global
outpouring of tens of millions of people all over the world in outrage
against the Iraq War. Although we didn't stop the war on Iraq, I
remember that we didn't know until years later how much impact our Viet
Nam anti-war protests had on the warmakers. I think that's more true of
all our protests than we realize.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
So. Onward. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1162)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1162"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e863" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e863"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e863"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mondays
are often a little void of course
for me. I think I sense the
rev of everyone around me and
I don't feel like I can keep
up. So I stall. But I'm not
sure if that's it, exactly.
I never worked Monday through
Friday. Not in restaurants.
I almost always had Monday off.
Which may be why. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did get everything sorted and
...uh ...ready. Not sure for
what. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
power didn't go off all day Sunday and Monday. Leaving
me to wonder if the problem was in the apartment electricity.
It has been cooler the last two days. Maybe some fan
somewhere has been tapping the power and causing it
to blink. So I'm in wait and see mode. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am much less mooky. Except when I sleep one side of
my nose fills up and makes it hard to breathe. Last
night I woke with a start having a dream that my computer
screen went black but also having a stuffed up nose.
There was something about the idea that I couldn't get
oxygen to my body or power to my computer. It was just
so metaphysically ... something. I laughed.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Democracy
Now was so full of information today I found it hard
to chew my Cherrios. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="345">
<tr>
<td width="339">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">More than one third of the retired soldiers being reactivated for duty
in Iraq are refusing to go. The Army is threatening to charge some of
the former soldiers with desertion. This according to a report in USA
Today. The Army has called up about 1600 former soldiers as part of
what is known as the Individual Ready Reserve. More than 600 have not
shown up � many have requested exemptions for health and personal
reasons. 14 of these soldiers have already been declared AWOL. Senator
John Kerry has accused President Bush of instituting a backdoor draft
by recalling former soldiers.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
if they gave a war and nobody came?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was listening to a CSPAN call in show last night in
which the topic was - what do the candidates have to
do to win the debate? So many of the people calling
in support of Bush mentioned his plain spokenness. Kerry
was referred to by one caller as high falooten. Uh huh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been talking to a few friends about how I struggle with
a feeling of being not smart. Before anyone rushes to
assure me that I am smart let me say that I know I am
smart in many ways. I have good instincts and I am able
to listen and I think about things. A lot. But I feel
like there is lots to learn. And lots that I keep trying
to get that I don't quite get. And it's buggin me. Sometimes
I wonder if I just don't have the ability to retain
some things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
also aware that I live in a country in which learning
is suspect. Schools are under funded and sports stadiums
are macked out. We watch the same three television shows
(How many Law and Orders do we need? How many CI: this
or that city do we need? How many Survivors?) People
like Bush because he's plain spoken. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
CPSAN people did a great even job of talking about how
Bush and Kerry come from the same educational background
and class. It's impressive how they managed to put out
quite a bit of information and not seem to be biased.
Democracy Now does have a bias.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="386">
<tr>
<td width="380">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Time Magazine has revealed that the White House had developed a secret
plan where it would covertly use the CIA to help pro-U.S. candidates
win in the upcoming Iraqi election. The plan was reportedly discarded
after protests from lawmakers on Capitol Hill. Time reports House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi called National Security Advisor
Condoleezza Rice to voice her opposition. Some officials within the
Bush administration have defended the plan saying it is needed to
counter outside influence from other countries including Iran. This
comes as the Los Angeles Times is reporting that in Afghanistan
numerous Afghan presidential candidates have complained that U.S.
officials are pressuring them to drop out of the race against the
U.S.-backed Hamid Karzai.
</span></font></td>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
maybe it's just that DN underscores what isn't being
underscored.<a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/09/28/1427234">
Just go read, or listen</a>. And then there was<a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/09/28/1427248">
a discussion about the debates</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it's Tuesday. I need to not be void of course today.
But the night was restless and the morning has been
a flood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1163)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1163"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e864" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e864"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e864"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Can't
one of you bring me a coffee?</span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1164)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1164"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e865" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e865"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e865"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
So Tuesday. Kinda void of course
as well. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sitting at the computer. With
always present game of
<a href="http://www.spider-solitaire.net/spider-solitaire-free.htm">Spider
Solitaire</a>. My own web page.
Gmail. In box. Word. Craig's
list. At least three blogs.
Monster. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Can
you say short attention span?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
moon is pushin up on full. That's
my excuse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1165)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1165"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e866" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e866"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e866"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
brought <a href="http://www.eternalsunshine.com/">Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind</a> to my DVD player.
Hanging out with George is a memory I would never want
to erase. Although, I can't say that I have any memories
I would want to erase. Even the really painful ones.
The movie is beautiful and thought provoking. When George
walked in I had a head full of things all clamouring
for attention. The movie slowed all that down and left
me pondering memory and love and romance and choice.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">George
asked me if I have any conservative friends in the blogs.
Maybe. But I don't think so. I think there are people
who have and may still read me who don't agree with
my political views but I don't go around looking for
a fight. Or even a debate. I don't avoid one either.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
confusing for me. If I already have a relationship with
someone it's easier for me to disagree. If it's my first
visit to a blog I don't always want to jump in with
a disagreement. It shouldn't be a big deal. But I worry.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read somewhere in the blogs some ideas about Christianity
having gone through a reformation and Islam having not
gone through one. Someone's gonna hafta tell <a href="http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20040925/news_1n25christ.html">Falwell</a>
about the reformation. And then there's that <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/09/15/60II/main643650.shtml?CMP=ILC-SearchStories">my
God is bigger than your God General.</a> I'm not sure
he got the reformation memo. And then there's the complexity
of Islam. The Shii /Sunni split. The mystery schools
of the <a href="http://www.khamush.com/sufism/persian_sufism.htm">Sufi.</a>
Is Islamic imperialism any more vile than western imperialism?
I think not. And is the way non believers in Islamic
majority counties are contained as lesser any more egregious
than the way people are treated in our increasingly
Christian identified country? What about the targeting
of mosques and synagogues? Or for that matter the targeting
of Christian churches if they are filled with people
of color? People in this country who spend their time
on a zafu imagining they are beyond that fray may find
themselves on a watch list if we have four more years
of the current administration.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the women's issues. Someone (I wish I could
remember who) said that size 6 is the American version
of the hijab. I suppose I can't hold the Christian faith
accountable for that but I can say that women in a fundamentalist
Christian American are under a veil. And four more years
of this administration will make <a href="http://www.wsu.edu:8000/~brians/science_fiction/handmaid.html">The
Handmaid's Tale</a> read like social history. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep referring to the administration in a post responding
to ideas about Islam. But this notion of Islam as a
culture and faith in need of reformation comes from
the day we all woke up and asked why do they hate us.
Suddenly people were aware of Islam. And it has been
dumb and dumber ever since. Certainly there is a troubling
fundamentalist Islam but I find it no more troubling
than fundamentalist Christianity. They both have agendas
of imperialism and social control. And fundamentalist
Christian soldiers go into battle fired up on visions
of rewards in the after life.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Make
no mistake. Reformation movements have been going on
in almost every spiritual tradition. Martin Luther isn't
the only guy bangin on a door. And if an Islamic person
calls for reformation I have less of a reaction than
I do when the call is one which imagines the Christian
faith as more reformed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
brought on all this thought? A post on a blog. And the
writer of that post may find this. And maybe I should
let the person know it's here. But. Here's the part
where I worry. There was nothing about the blog that
led me to believe that this was a mean spirited or hateful
post. It was, in fact, noting the writing of yet another
person. This stuff gets me wound up. I'm not sure I
can be measured in my tone. I'm not sure I should hafta
be. But I worry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
we do need to put out our less than perfect thinking.
We need to get input. And blogs are a valid way to have
a conversation. But (and this goes back to <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e859">my
post about blogging</a>) I don't have trackback. How
does that impact my participation of conversations on
the web? And if it's my first visit what does that do
to shape the relationship? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I were sitting at a table in a coffee shop and hear
the same conversation I would say much of what I wrote
here. But my body language, my eyes, my physical presence
would be there to hold the tone. I may miss out on a
lot of political discussion on the web because I do
shy away from things. I write it here. People read it.
Or they don't.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do like the way conversations occur on the web and between
blogs but I haven't quite caught on. And I don't spend
much time reading the right. Maybe I need to spend more
time doing that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
probably gonna hafta watch Eternal Sunshine again. There
was just so much in that movie. Today I'm wondering
about how well I do with difficult relationships. Ya
know? Like when you get to that moment of discord and
things start to break down. I'm not sure I handle it
as well as I might want to. I'm still thinking about
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1166)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1166"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e867" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2004.htm#e867"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e867"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:20
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
debates are on. Can't one of you bring me a near lethal
dose of heroin? </span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1167)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1167"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
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