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<p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>September 2003</b></span></font></p>
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<p><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">You know, there are two kinds of politics in the world: the politics of love
and the politics of fear. Love is about cooperation, sharing and inclusion. It
is about the elevation of each individual to a life neither supressed nor
exploited, but instead nourished to rise to its full potential � a life for its
own sake and so that we may all benefit by the gift of that life. Fear and the
politics of fear is about narrow ideologies that separate us, militarize us,
imprison us, exploit us, control us, overcharge us, demean us, bury us alive in
debt and anxiety and then bury us dead in cancers and wars. The politics of love
and the politics of fear are now pitted against each other in a naked struggle
that will define not only the 21st century but centuries to come. -
</span></font><a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16643"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Granny
D</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
(via </font><a href="http://annezook.com/archives/000806.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Peevish</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">)</font></span></p>
<p><a id="e364" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September03.htm#e364"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e362"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">1</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://harrumph.com/rabbit/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Rabbit.
Rabbit.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Because something has to work. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Yeah.
It's
different. And yet it's the same. I'm stuck
in my limitations. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Life
without comments. It's interesting. It makes
me a little bit sad. It's sort of like waiting for mail
that never comes. Or sitting by the phone. And it makes
me think about how having comments has changed the way
I write. Somewhat. It's just an interesting thing to
feel through. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Did
you know that </font><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/08/28/business/28SCEN.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">beautiful
people</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
make more money? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">What
does that reveal?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
blogged about </font><a href="http://www.voanews.com/article.cfm?objectID=D6943DAC-F796-45DC-9E8F56E49C362BD7"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Aung
San Suu Kyi's hunger</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
strike. I get my news on the blogs. Since the media
can't be bothered to report real news. If it weren't
for the alternative media, I wouldn't know about anything
other than who Arnold is supposed to have done twenty
years ago. Like I care. Meanwhile women are starving
and </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/08/29/1428227"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">waiting
for judgement</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and we obsess about a </font><a href="http://www.gothamist.com/archives/2003/08/29/2003_mtv_video_music_awards_wrap_up.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">pretend
kiss.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
it's </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/01/1414259"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Labour
Day</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
Let's think about Mother Jones </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/09/01/1424250"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">marching
to Long Island</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
to speak out for children.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Oh.
I'm feeling a bit wound up. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(666)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_666"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:23
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e365" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e365"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e362"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segID=3853&schedID=216"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Book
TV</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
was rebroadcasting the </font><a href="http://www.qbr.com/HBF2003/panels.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Harlem
Book</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
fair all day yesterday. The panel of women
talking about writing memoir was one again. I found
it deeply comforting and frustrating. There was another
panel on publishing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Every
day I click on publish. It's so easy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">There
was a man I knew a long time ago. He was a friend of
a friend. He was really really smart. Almost too smart.
But he couldn't quite get his life together. He was
sleeping on my friends couch. He finally got a job
running a fork lift. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Every
evening I would here his car pull into my drive-way.
I would have dinner ready. He would fix something. Stabilize
the leg of a table. Rewire a light fixture. Make sure
the wire running to the stereo didn't show. He also
did my drugs, ate my food and took command of the remote
control. And I didn't mind. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
woulda married him. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
wasn't in love with him. But I liked him. A lot. And
I liked hearing his car in the drive-way. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">People
in town thought we were a couple. He was always there.
Except for when he was sleeping on my friends couch.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">A
few years ago he got my e-mail address and wrote to
apologize for taking advantage of me. Which I thought
was sweet. we didn't really keep writing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
keep thinking about him.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
such an old curmudgeon now. I'm too used to living alone.
But sometimes I just want the simple things. The sound
of a car in the driveway. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(667)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_667"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:57
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e366" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e366"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e362"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
In my earlier post I typed
here when I meant hear. I was just rereading and I noticed
it. I could edit but I'm leaving it so that I can write
about how frustrating that kind of mistake is. I made
them all through </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Avoirdupois</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I caught them sometimes but not always. Spell check
doesn't save you. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
why does it happen? People tell me not to worry. Everyone
does that when they're typing. But I don't think everyone
does. Is my brain going? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
misspell things on purpose sometimes and make up words.
But I make this kind of mistake so often. It's like
my brain just takes a break. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes
I worry. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(668)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_668"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 12:22
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<P align=left style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:9pt;">God
puts these things in his pocket. He's got too many pockets really, if I went
through all of God's pockets I might find my skin again. I need to get back into
my skin. Reckless God perched on the wire. -</span></FONT><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/reading/reckless.htm"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica" color="#333399">Rickie
Lee</FONT></span></a></P> <p align="justify"><a id="e367" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e367"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e367"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">3</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
At about 5:00 PM I noticed
that comments were back. </font><a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Kell</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
left one. I reloaded the page and they were
gone again. They still seem to be down.
Blogspot went down at some point.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">It's
enough to make ya paranoid. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
got into a reminiscence about books that
I once owned and lost to my wandering life.
In high school I spent every penny I earned
babysitting, or making grilled cheese sandwiches
at a drug store (the name of which I never
remember, but </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
does) counter, on books by Kerouac and Hesse
and DH Lawrence. And all the journals of </font><a href="http://www.anaisnin.com/bookstore/index.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Anais</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
All the </font><a href="http://www.citylights.com/beat/CLag.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">pocket</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0872863034/qid=1062560567/sr=1-41/ref=sr_1_41/002-8820435-0605644?v=glance&s=books"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">poet</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
books. And </font><a href="http://www.gestalt.org/cgi-local/shop.pl/SID=1062560733.29353/page=product.html/product=18"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">books</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
by </font><a href="http://www.gestalt.org/cgi-local/shop.pl/SID=1062560733.29353/page=product.html/product=14"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Fritz</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://www.gestalt.org/barry.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Barry</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
Lot's of books that I stored in the basement
of a friend's house when I left home. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">In
my New Age daze I had </font><a href="http://www.religionreference.com/Life_and_Teaching_of_the_Masters_of_the_Far_East_6_volume_set_0875165389.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">books</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://www.castaneda.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">books</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0890871345/002-8820435-0605644?v=glance"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">books</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I still have </font><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0670869759/002-8820435-0605644?v=glance"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
Course</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
but I lost my </font><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0876120826/qid=1062562157/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_2/002-8820435-0605644"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Autobiography</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
Also in a box. In a basement. Or I don't
know, maybe they've all been distributed.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
spent time last night doing searches for
books I once had and wishing I was one of
those people who can still open the copy
of </font><a href="http://leb.net/gibran/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
Prophet</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
she read when she was sixteen. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
I'm not. I still have </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August03.htm#e363"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">that
pottery book</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
though.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
used to love to crack a book. I loved that feeling,
right in the middle of the book, when you crack the
book wide open. But now I never crack books. I'm so
careful with my books that once a teacher thought I
hadn't done the reading because the book looked so pristine.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes
I think I want a copy of all the books I've ever read.
I want to reread books that were influential in my youth
and see if they still feel the same. But, of course,
they wont. </font><a href="http://www.cornelwest.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Cornell
West</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
says he rereads </font><a href="http://www.imagi-nation.com/moonstruck/clsc6.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Chekhov</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
every year. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">So.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Sharon
posted something on </font><a href="http://showmethedata.info/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">SMTD</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
It's been hard to get these people going on the blog
thing. Which is sad because they have such great conversations
on the list serve.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.onetermpresident.org/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">This
is cool.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(669)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_669"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:14
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e368" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e368"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e368"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">3</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Shit! I did it again.
I typed wont instead of won't. It kinda changes the
feel, doesn't it? I used to want a partner for reasons
of lust and longing. Now I just want a live-in editor.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Well.
OK. I still do feel lust and longing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
want to be more like </font><a href="http://www.bartleby.com/113/1013.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Emily</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I just want to write stuff and put it in an envelope.
But I don't have a father who lets me live at home.
So I worry the writing. Suddenly it needs to be good
enough. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">What
the fuck does that mean? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
only way I can fight all the teeth gnashing and hand
wringing is to take deep breaths and feel through it.
And then when my fingers hit the keys I just try to
...</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Well.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do
something that has a rhythm. And a shape. But isn't
over worked. I would like to type the word I actually
intend. Focus. Focus. I keep saying to myself. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
feeling toward this thing. And I want it to be pure.
But I need to connect. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
comment thing has been a drag. But it has been good
too. I feel pushed in. Deeper. Because if it's going
to connect I want it to connect in the deepest place.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">After
all this storm there ought to be a rainbow. It must
be here somewhere. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(670)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_670"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 4:34
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e369" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e369"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e369"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">4</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Alexandra came over for
dinner. I made the gaff of all gaffs.
Usually, when people are coming to my house
for dinner, I ask them if they have any
allergies, or things they hate. But I just
didn't think to ask Alexandra. And then
I made things that were not exactly right.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
made a salad with </font><a href="http://cheneybrothers.com/greenleaflet.shtm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">green
leaf lettuce,</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
goat cheese, candied walnuts and yellow
beets. But Alexandra wasn't sure she liked
beets. That wasn't a big deal. I just didn't
give her too many. And she did like them.
Coz I cook em good.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
I made lamb chops. And ... she doesn't eat
lamb. And lamb is one of those things that
you have to know about. Because people don't
like it. But I had these fresh figs. And
my whole thing was about the figs. So I
had to think fast. I had some </font><a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm?prodID=1"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Aidells</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
in the freezer. I cooked it with the
shallots and the figs. All of which went
on cous cous. And it was all good. But I
felt like a dummy head. Why did I forget
to ask? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Am
I being too hard on myself lately? Is this
all normal </font><a href="http://www.pslgroup.com/dg/1df7fe.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">for
a woman my age</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">?
Maybe. I guess. OK.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Dinner
was nice. She brought some chocolate cake
that she had made. We drank wine and talked
and talked and talked. When
she left I listened to </font><a href="http://www.sonymusicdirect.com/SMDProdDetails.asp?QTY=1&ProdID=1027&UID=7908941&Banner=theholiday&t=627800"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Miles</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and read some blogs. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">She brought me three white lilies. They are absolutely
statuesque and grand.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(671)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_671"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:32
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e370" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e370"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e370"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">5</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/09/05/QUAKE.TMP"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Did
you feel that?</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Cynthia
very kindly took me </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2003/03/05/fd_daflora.jpg&paper=chronicle&file=4159814664.DTL&directory=/chronicle/reviews/restaurants&type=food"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">to
dinner</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
Right after we got there we felt </font><a href="http://pasadena.wr.usgs.gov/shake/ca/STORE/X40146208/ciim_display.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">the
thunk</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
We chatted with Flora about earthquakes
and ate our </font><a href="http://eat.epicurious.com/dictionary/food/index.ssf?DEF_ID=4027"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">squash
blossoms</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
stuffed with ricotta. It is funny that you can feel
a quake and keep on doing what you're doing. This wasn't
a big one. I think if it was a big one we might have
been more distracted by it. But we had lots of talking
to do about writing and school and how good the food
was tasting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">So.
YACCS will be back in three days. Or so
</font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">they
say</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
And I seem to be caught in a weird game
of how long can you stand it. I don't know
why. When </font><a href="http://www.typepad.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Type
Pad</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
came out I was going to jump on it. But
I am unemployed. And, of course, I want
Pro. And of course I want to pay for the
year so I get the two months for free. So I muse and puzzle and drive myself
crazy. And soon the three days will pass
and YACCS will be back. And then I can stop
pretending I don't miss my comments. This
morning I noticed that there's a little line where the
comments are supposed to be. If you click on it you
get the whole story. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
can touch my nose and it doesn't hurt. Which is good.
Because since I got the piercing it has hurt to touch
my nose. For the last few days I've noticed that the
pain is less and less and now, pretty much gone. It
gets a little sore right after I clean it. But it seems
to be healing very nicely. It's another one of those
things. You never know how much you touch your nose
until ... </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(672)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_672"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:39
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I'm not talking about an idyllic past. I'm talking about a brutal today in
which ordinary hard-working people are being denied their survival. I am talking
about a today in which a Ganges that belonged to all is starting to belong to
one company. A today where in Kerala water rich abundant rain women have no
water because Coca-Cola took it. It's not an idyllic past for me. It's a violent
today for which I am seeking a non-violent response</span></font>. - <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/transcript/transcript_shiva.html"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399">Dr. Vandana
Shiva </font></span></a></P><p align="justify"><a id="e371" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e371"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e371"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">6</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://phonezilla.net/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Paul</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
is moving and I get to do some posting on
</font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Big
Fat Blog</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
It's funny how nervous I am about it. I
feel like I'm writing on Paul's wall. Not
because of anything he has said or done.
He's just the coolest. I'm just kind of
loopy about things.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">This
is kind of funny. I'm feeling self-recriminating
about how self-recriminating I've been lately.
Ai Yi Yi. I think it's because I'm looking
for a job and a publisher. Two things bound to bring
up the "not good enough" syndrome. In the
moments when I am aware of it all I can calm myself
down and know that things will work out. Sooner or later.
One way or another. And then I'll notice that I'm doing
a lot of negative self speak. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0896084566/synaptic-20/104-5904508-1413550"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">bell
hooks writes</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
about the way women do negative self-speak in an attempt
to not seem too challenging. She thinks we do it
most of all when we talk to each other. And I think
she's right. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
I think I'm feeling the need for a lot of reassurance
lately. Which is understandable. And I get a lot of
reassurance. And support. For which I am deeply grateful.
I think the negative self-speak is an unconscious reflex.
It's like I really need to have someone telling me I'm
OK. And it annoys me that I need this. So I become indirect.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I've
always felt like it's good to tell the truth about your
stuff. Some of the power of the stuff gets fucked with
when you talk about it out loud. But, as with all things,
there's a line that you cross. Lately I feel frustrated
with myself a lot. And I think some of that is
just my stuff. And some of that is my stuff on steroids.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'd
like to feel like I had more control over it all. Like
I can just tell myself to knock it off. But it is, by it's
nature, not controllable. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/womenlabor.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Now</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
was devastating last night. So much information
about how women are paying the price for
globalization. </font><a href="http://www.word-power.co.uk/catalogue/1862075883"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Global
Woman</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
had the same effect on me. My teeth begin
to clench. My throat gets tight. If you
didn't see it, </font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/transcript/transcript_shiva.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">this
is</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
worth a read. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(673)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_673"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:25
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e372" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e372"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font><a id="e372"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">7</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> 2003</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
It's too quiet.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><iframe src="http://www.zonkboard.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=zonk%2Ev2&sitename=fatshadow" name="tagscreen" width="160" height="300" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0"></iframe></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(674)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_674"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 11: </font><span style="font-size:10pt;">29</span><font size="1">
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e373" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
8 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't feel good. I think it might be hormones.
But I didn't sleep well. I have no appetite. And I'm
achy. And I'm weepy. I really think it's hormones. So
I'm late to the blog. I tried earlier but I was too
fussy.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">It
sucks because I was feeling like I was trying to psyche
myself up for a new start this morning. And I'm just
not feeling new. I'm feeling old and worn out.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/09/08/MN232219.DTL"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Warren
is gone</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Theoretically,
comments will be back by this evening. Which will be
cool. I'm not sure if I'll move the tag board to the
side. it's fun. But I'm worried that my page will load
even slower. I'm hoping that the new YAACS server will
speed up my page. We'll see. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.saltmonument.org/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">This
is very cool.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
(via </font><a href="http://www.wannawrite.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">wanna
write?</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">)</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(675)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_675"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 11: </font><span style="font-size:10pt;">36</span><font size="1">
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e374" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">9</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/2003_09_01_ulu2_archive.html#106298015205172148"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Kell
hipped</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
me to the </font><a href="http://www.bravotv.com/The_Reality_Of_Reality/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Bravo
documentary</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
about reality TV. And despite the fact that
the only reality TV I ever watched was </font><a href="http://www.bravotv.com/The_Restaurant/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">my
boyfriend's show</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
I was intrigued. I mean Bravo used to be
pretty cool. But the show was a rehash of
the worst of the shows all to prove that
reality TV isn't really real. Gee. Da ya
think? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
I watched </font><a href="http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye_for_the_Straight_Guy/Episodes/109/recap.shtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">an
episode</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I really
thought I'd be more offended than I was.
The whole idea makes me cringe. But it was
kinda sweet. Sort of. I mean the idea that
a haircut and some new furniture will bring out your
"best" you is not one I want to support. But
it is cool to see things get all cleaned up in a person's
apartment and go from looking unthought about to looking
very intentioned. And even when I watch </font><a href="http://www.oprah.com/rys/journeys/rys_journeys_20001006.jhtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">make</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.oprah.com/uyl/volunteer/women/vol_women_employ_04.jhtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">overs</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200305/tows_past_20030505.jhtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">on
Oprah</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
I'm torn between hating the mentality that wants everyone
to focus on appearance and feeling my eyes fill with
tears when people who look kind of average come out
with a bounce to their step because they know they look
good. There's a balance point on which everything pivots.
I see info-mercials for creams to make your flaws go
away and I think ... flaws? Huh? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
the other thing about Queer eye is the way it reaffirms
stereotypes about gay (and straight) men. Which is why
I wasn't going to watch it. But I was still feeling
so punky and I just zoned in front of the TV. The show
about the reality TV asks an interesting question. Since
most of us know the reality in these shows is not that
real, why do so many of us watch? Maybe it's because
</font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/09/09/MN230016.DTL"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">it
all</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
seems unreal. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
want the real real.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
am feeling better. I slept well. I still don't feel
like eating. I'm not quite as achy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(676)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_676"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 9:16
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e375" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e375"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">10</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
might have to move to </font><a href="http://www.santacruzsentinel.com/archive/2003/September/10/local/stories/02local.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Santa
Cruz</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">As
we get closer to the second anniversary
of the September 11 tragedy, American news
gets dumb and dumber. It's not that I don't
think that we should remember and feel all
the feelings of loss and rage and confusion.
But I wish the media did a better job of
helping people to understand why terrorism
happens. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
</font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast/09/10/mideast/index.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">news
from Israel</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
brought it all back for me yesterday. I
remember that my awareness of that conflict
was heightened in the days following 9/11.
It wasn't that I had never paid attention
or thought about it before. But I just felt
a sense of urgency, an awareness
of </font><a href="http://web.amnesty.org/pages/isr-index-eng"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">the
things that are so wrong.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
It isn't that there aren't things going
on all over the world. And the ways in which
my country </font><a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16746"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">plays
a part in it all</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
pains me. Listening to the news yesterday
I felt the tension again. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">On
Sunday, before I went swimming, I was listening
to </font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/1pro_bio/1b_sunda.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Larry
Bensky</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
talk about </font><a href="http://www.zmag.org/content/showarticle.cfm?SectionID=20&ItemID=4162"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">another
September 11</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
And the other day I watched part of </font><a href="http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_reviews/1994/04/912847.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
House of the Spirits</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
on </font><a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/whatson/0,5264,CAT0-45-MO-09-DA-09-YR-2003-TZ-ET-TB-4-DW-0-CLR-blue-BCLR-0099CC-SID-39040-,00.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">IFC</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I watched it to remember. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
the media doesn't remind us about our
history. The media only wants us to
lick our own wounds and feel central in
the world narrative.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">What
I remember is the feeling that everything
had changed. And yet nothing had changed.
It's been going on forever. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">So
I probably won't move to Santa Cruz. But
I hope </font><a href="http://www.votetoimpeach.org/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">it's
a trend.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(677)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_677"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 10:11
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e376" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e376"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">11</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Aretha
Franklin was singing in my dream this morning. That's
a good way to start the day. And it's going to be a
day that needs a good start. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
remember waking up. Dean was here doing his internship.
He had already left for work and I put together my breakfast
and flipped on the radio, the way I always do. And then.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">It
was a blessing that Dean was here. I didn't feel like
I could sink into the darkness that I felt. When he
was at work I sat there with the TV on, sound off. Radio
on. Searching the Internet for news. But when he was
here I tried to turn it all off. We went to </font><a href="http://www.sfzc.com/Pages/Green_Gulch/Green_Gulch_Controls/gg.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Green
Gulch to see the farm</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
His presence forced me to stay open. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
two years have passed. It amazes me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Two
years of war. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
also, two years of life. Two years in which I got my
MFA and made new friends and some times I woke up dreaming
songs. So I am trying to find some balance. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://sfgate.com/columnists/fiore/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Mark
Fiore is good today.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">People
are</font><a href="http://cancun.mediosindependientes.org/newswire/display/344/index.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
raising their voices in Cancun</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font><a href="http://cancun.mediosindependientes.org/newswire/display/414/index.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">One
man took his own life</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
to make a point that the mainstream media doesn't seem
to think is news. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com/2003_09_01_riverbendblog_archive.html#106313301201895429"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Life
in Iraq</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
is far from liberated. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
the Queen of soul sometimes sings to you while you sleep.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(678)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_678"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 7:57
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e377" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e377"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">12</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
spent the morning writing a not particularly interesting
post. At a certain point I clicked a little bit too
fast and froze my computer. I lost the post in the reboot.
And it's just as well. I might try and put it back together
later. But for now I'm going to do the laundry. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">This
week has felt like being in a coma. But I think I'm
coming out of it. I think. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(679)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_679"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 10:30
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e378" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e378"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">13</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">My
disappearing post was about taking the </font><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/jsimner/quizzes/How%20Old%20is%20Your%20Inner%20Child%3F/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">how
old is your inner child test</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans"> that I saw
at </font><a href="http://cocokat.com./"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Laurie's.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans"> My inner child is 45.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Uh
huh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Well
ask me how much time I've spent playing
with </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">my dolls</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
lately. I start the day looking for
a job. I have a break down. I take a shower.
And then I play for a while. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">There
are two things that always keep me playing.
Designing the houses and telling myself
the story of what's happening while I play.
Just like when I was a kid. I spent a lot
of time playing by myself. Telling myself
stories. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">There
are so many fan sites. It kinda blows my
mind. There's a lot of creativity. And if
you play SIMS you understand
how exciting it is to find little decorative
things. Like these </font><a href="http://aroundthesims.online.fr/objects/misc_13.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">little
desk sets.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Or </font><a href="http://aroundthesims.online.fr/objects/bathroom_05.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">a
cute bathroom set</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
If you don't play the SIMS you may not feel
the thrill. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
mean the truth is you download the desk set, put it
on the desk, and that's it. It's not like the SIMS can
pick up the pen and start writing. But I get a kick
out of making these little worlds. So
I make a little green house for my hippie
girl to study in. </font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="205">
<tr>
<td width="199">
<p><img src="Hippiegarden.gif" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
it keeps me preoccupied. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'd
stopped playing for a while. It was just
day after day of eating, sleeping getting
clean, trying to work on self improvement
and trying to keep your friends. It was
too much like life. And then I found the
</font><a href="http://www.simslice.com/Objects-Miscellaneous-pg3.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">love
crystal.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
(scroll down) You can summon up as many friends as you
need. It was amazing what a difference it
made in how I felt about playing. There was all this
time that I used to spend making and keeping friends
that I could now use for gardening. No more four o'clock
phone call telling you that your friends are dumping
you. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Well.
Lot's of four o'clock phone calls eventually. All
your new friends will eventually dump you. But by then
you have a new job and your garden looks great. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I've
been downloading </font><a href="http://www.hinsides.no/simmerville/07stuff/food1.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">stuff
for the kitchen</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">,
playing and telling myself the story of how it
all works out. It flies in the face of my anti-materialism
view of life And
then there's the art. I had to have
</font><a href="http://www.different-worlds.net/SIMS/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">some
Frida</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
got the game right after I got my BA and I spent hours
playing. Hours. And then I got into grad school and
didn't play as much. And now ... I've been playing again.
It is true that I have CSPAN while I play. Imagine listening
to the Senate debate while you click on your hippie
guy and ask him to water his tomato plants. That's my
world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
I went down to do the laundry but I forgot the soap.
So I hauled myself back up the three flights of stairs
to get the soap but I decided to take some recycling
down while I was at it and I forgot AGAIN! Back up the
steps, get the soap, come back down and someone has
put a load in. Isn't that rude? My bag of laundry was
sitting right there. I came down later and they were
doing another load. I guess they only did one at a time
so that I could have the other machine. Which might
not be rude. But ... I didn't want to do it one load
at a time. So I came back up and played with my little
friends. In a world where I can make things work out.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
dunno. Maybe my inner child is 45. A friend of mine
who has a fifteen year old SIMS playing daughter tells
me that her daughter lets her SIMS fight. I would NEVER!
I understand that people like to watch the crazy interactions
between the SIMS. I just want them to keep their garden
watered.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
there's a </font><a href="http://eastore.ea.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=850&itemType=PRODUCT&ProductID=850"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">new
game coming out.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Right before Christmas. I'm just sayin. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(680)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_680"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 9:24
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e379" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e379"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">14</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Cynthia
and I went </font><a href="http://www.mooses.com/day.shtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">to
lunch</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
coz yesterday was her birthday. A birthday
which she shares with </font><a href="http://www.mint-tea.blogspot.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Ms.
Mint Tea</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">,
(Happy Birthday!) who also went out for a lunch with
a friend. Lunch with a friend is a great thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">After
lunch we sat in the back yard while I (finally) got
the laundry started. It isn't really a yard. It's a
city garden. Lots of pots. There is a cement area on
one side filled with dirt from which grow bouganvilla
and ferns and a jade plant. The land lady did some of
it and I think various tenants have added to it over
time. There's a picnic table and two benches. It is
a nice place to hang out. And it was a cool place to
hang out. It's been hot here. Really, really hot. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">After
Cynthia left I went back upstairs to the apartment and
when I came out to get the laundry someone had watered
everything. That smell of wet dirt and cement on a hot
day was so good. When I went out later, to get the last
load of clothes, the breeze that normally keeps
SF cool was back. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
was thinking about something </font><a href="http://savoradin.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Tonio</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
said about not seeing any September 11 stuff on
TV. He is wise enough to keep his TV in the closet.
I remember the television coverage being somewhat compelling
at first. No one could completely understand what was
happening. The news faces all looked uncertain. As the
day wore on and they got film footage things went back
to bad American news. The same image of the plane hitting
the building over and over and over. The same image
of the building collapse over and over and over. By
the end of the day they had theme music. And now those
images and that music are pulled back out every year.
It's numbing. You stop feeling. It's just another icon.
And now the news faces are back to their self-assurance.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Mark</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
linked </font><a href="http://www.esquire.com/features/articles/2003/030903_mfe_falling_1.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">this
article</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
on the falling man and </font><a href="http://jmcolberg.com/weblog/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Joerg</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
wrote </font><a href="http://www.jmcolberg.com/weblog/archives/000566.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">a
challenging post</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
about the image. My feelings while looking at the image
were many. The man does have a kind of grace but it
is impossible not to feel the clutch of horror when
you look at it. Looking at the picture, for me, is a
way of holding that individual. It may be a way I comfort
myself, but I see him and I want think how beautiful
he is. But it isn't a beautiful picture. It's a stark
reminder of what really happened that day. So I let
all the emotions wash over me. All the feelings that
are numbed by the repetitive tape loop, accompanied
with poignant music, on the nighty news.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">A
while ago I read </font><a href="http://www.susansontag.com/regardingpainexcerpt.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Regarding
the Pain of Others</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I thought of it while looking at the picture. I'm not
sure we need to sink into the swirl of difficult emotion
that hits when we see images of war. But I know that
sometimes we need to hold the feelings. I wasn't feeling
all the flag waving on Thursday. I was feeling the loss.
And, in a reaction to what I see on the television I
tend to want to </font><a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16712"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">politicize</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
the moment. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
looking at the falling man is too real. It moves me
past the rhetoric. It brings me into a moment of transition
with another human. I feel and feel and feel. My mind
struggles to contain. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
live in a world where people worked to make a beautiful
space in the back of a building in the city. A space
where the smell of water and sun makes me smile. A world
where women go to lunch together to celebrate life and
changes. And after a week of being numb and checked
out I am feeling the blood begin to flow back into my
brain and my heart. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(681)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_681"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 9:38
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e380" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e380"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">15</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
had an unexpected and difficult conversation
with a friend yesterday. I ended up crying for a while.
It's not at all like I'm worried that the relationship
is over. But I think it has changed. Maybe.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Somewhere
between unconditional love and telling the
truth is the place where you need to process.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
used to have more faith in process.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Things
happen between people. And I want to believe in talking
it through. But after our conversation I just felt
the enormous gap between my friend and I. I don't feel
like they really get me. And, my sense is that they
feel pretty frustrated with me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes
it's best to leave things alone. Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it feels like I want things from people that
they aren't willing or able to give me. There's a quality
of presence that I have with my friends. We're with
each other. And sometimes the stuff that happens between
people messes up that feeling. And sometimes it doesn't.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">In
this particular moment I'm not sure. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
then it's Monday and time to focus on the week. Time
to stare at the </font><a href="http://www.craigslist.org/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">want</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/jobs/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">ads</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and try to figure it all out. Morning used to be my
favorite time. I'd read blogs and eat my breakfast.
And then I'd start working on writing. Now I start the
morning with this dreary ritual. It sucks the will to
breathe right outta me. I dunno. Maybe I should do the
job search in the afternoon.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
am aware that I have all this need lately. And I am
trying to manage it. But things seem to hit me harder.
I collapse under very little pressure. And I am someone
who used to handle a lot of pressure. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Maybe
it's good. It hardly matters if it's good, or bad. Because
it is what it is. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(682)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_682"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 8:53
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The prospect of my own death is slippery, something my mind evades. The
undeniable presence of fat as part of my corporeal self is literally easier to
grasp. I see my body as delicate, vulnerable and expressive, but I needed the
guidance of great artists and to participate over many years in movements for
social change to even begin to recognize my own textures. I understand why a
twentieth century woman would give so much of her time, money and energy to
struggling against the fact of her fat. But the odds against success are steep,
and the results in terms of length and quality of life are unclear. -
</span></font><a href="http://www.resistingfathatred.netfirms.com/article.htm"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Susan
Stinson</font></span></a><p align="justify"><a id="e381" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e381"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">15</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
going to be glad when Paul is back. I think I suck at
doing </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Big
Fat Blog</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001023.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">blogged</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
an </font><a href="http://www.canada.com/national/story.asp?id=2CAFDCDA-01C5-4A78-B9BE-A3B43A2E5D0C"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">article</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
that talks about how stress can cause a hormonal reaction
that causes the body to store fat. And it goes on to
talk about how people who live in poverty are under
stress. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Gee.
Da ya think? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
article has the basic fat hating tone that everything
you read in the mainstream media does. But it also adds
insight to why some people are fat. Having heard way
too much about poor kids who are fat because they eat
bad food, I found the article interesting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">The
problem with every thing they learn about why people
are fat is that they want to cure the "problem."
It's impossible to imagine that a fat person might not
feel like they need a cure. It's so hard to imagine
that I might prefer to be in the body I am in and ask
for people to see that body with an open mind and heart.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
I'm going to resist the urge to go off about how the
media hammers us with images of beauty that are all
the same. Although I will note that I had MSNBC on for
a while yesterday and I was struck by how </font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/840258.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">all</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/565486.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">the</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/777839.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">women</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/821664.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">seemed</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/962337.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">to</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
come from the same mold. At least CNN has </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/crowley.candy.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Candy
Crowley.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
You hardly ever see her but ...</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Anyway.
The conversation at BFB seems to be about choosing to
be fat. I think it's my fault because I mentioned that
I suspect that someone is working on a pill to control
the hormone response to stress. In other words, we know
your life is difficult, being poor and all, and we don't
really care about that. But we don't want you to be
fat. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
may have said this before. But let me say it again.
If they had a pill that would make me thin I would not
take it. I have learned too much from my life in this
body. I value the experience. It is hard. Sometimes.
But. So? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
did not chose to be fat. But I do chose to reject the
idea that my body shape suggests something about my
character. And I do know that there is diversity within
the population of folks who are labeled as fat. We all
have a genetic propensity for fat and then other things
happen. There is more than one fat body. We all have
stories.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">About
three years ago I took two sessions of Biology for the science
requirements for my BA. The teacher talked about how
the </font><a href="http://www.stressstop.com/articles/article1.html"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">fight
or flight</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
thing causes digestion to stop. And my first thought
was about how often I am shouted at from a passing car.
I thought about how braced for assault I am as I walk
through the world. It made this deep sense to me. The
stress of living in a fat hating world may be part of
why I'm fat.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Part
of me doesn't care about why. But part of me wants the
world to understand how complex the fat experience is.
I long for real conversations about the issues. Whether
or not I would take the magic pill that would make me
thin is easy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">No.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Paul
actually sent me a few links. I only found one on my
own. And it took me an hour and a half of doing searches
to find that one. If anyone has something for me to
blog, let me know. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(683)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_683"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 8:41
PM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e382" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e382"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">16</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/09/16/MN34362.DTL"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Darn</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I had my going to the polling place outfit picked out
and everything. This is either really good news and
the whole recall thing will just go away. Or, the </font><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/09/16/MN135340.DTL"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Supreme
Court</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
will prove (once again) that it will to step in when
things aren't going the way the right wants them to
go. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
watched </font><a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200309/tows_past_20030915.jhtml"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Oprah's
interview with Arnold</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I don't really think he came off that well. But it sure
was a ain't-he-wonderful show. No other candidate has
that kind of media access. It's such an abuse of power
for al three of them. Sitting there acting like we're
all just good friends and that's why we're doing this
show. They may well be god friends. But that show was
an affront to Democracy. It's completely disingenuous
for Oprah to act like she isn't showing a political
bias. Arnold isn't polling well with women. So lets
get Oprah to tell everyone that he brings his wife coffee
every morning. Yeah. Now I want to vote for him. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">It's
just all so gross and offensive. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">On
Sunday, after the swim, we were eating brunch in a cafe.
There were three people at a table with Kucinich T-shirts
on. I went over and chatted with them. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
sent me </font><a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16770"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">this
article</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">,
which is a transcript of a </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Democracy
Now</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
conversation about how NOT progressive Dean is. Every
time I listen to Dean talk I like him less. Every time
I listen </font><a href="http://www.alternet.org/sns/story.html?StoryID=16728"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">to
Dennis</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
I like him more. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">It
would be nice to vote FOR someone. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(684)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_684"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 9:19
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e383" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e383"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">17</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
Yesterday I felt a craving to read Jeff
Ward. That was the word that came to me.
A craving. And when I went to his blog there
was </font><a href="http://www.thispublicaddress.com/archives/000451.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">this
post.</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Isn't
that funny? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
was walking back from the store and it occurred
to me that I feel like I don't have permission
to write. When I was in school, writing
was what I was supposed to be doing. Now,
I need to make money. So I look for a job.
But I don't really want a job. I want to
write. But I NEED a job. And somehow in
the tape looping of all that my brain shuts
down. And I don't feel like I can write.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
do realize I'm writing this. But I have
this time to write wired. And I'm grateful
that I have the blog. But I have another
book in my head. And when I sit down to
do the work I just go blank. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">So,
after the epiphany, I came home and read.
Because reading often makes me want to write.
But I didn't write. I drank some red wine
and cleaned the bathroom. Then at 1:00 in
the morning I woke up flooded with ideas about how to
start the book. I never know what to do. Get up, write
it down and be tired the next day. Or hope I remember
it. I kinda felt like I would remember this because
it was pretty vivid. And I do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
dunno. Some day I'll look back on this and
... uh ...what? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
found </font><a href="http://www.nobodyhere.com/justme/dreaming.here"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
on </font><a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Whiskey
River</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
Go play. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(685)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_685"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 8:35
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e384" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e384"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">18</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
I had lunch with a friend yesterday. We
had a really nice waitress and I was in one of my chatty,
effusive moods. We were eating heirloom tomatoes and
oysters and shoe string potatoes and really nice </font><a href="http://www.cowgirlcreamery.com/"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Cowgirl
creamery</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
cheese. All little plates, so the waitress had to come
back to our table a few times. It was a slow time in
the restaurant. At one point my friend had to go
and put money in the meter and the waitress and I talked
about a bunch of stuff. I don't even remember what all
we talked about. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Right
before we left my friend had to go to the bathroom and
the waitress came back and said, "Thanks for talking
to me. It's not very often that I have real human contact."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Wow.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
realize there's an acknowledgement of me in that. And
I realize that it isn't her job to have contact. It's
her job to bring people their food. And I realize it
was slow and the space was open for she and I to spend
that time together. And, being who I am, we weren't
talking about the weather. I've been a waitress. So
I get how that could happen. But still. I just can't
stop thinking about it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">This
is a person who interacts with people all day, everyday
and she feels that she rarely has real human contact.
There was something so sad about that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Meanwhile,
I drank two double caps and, since I haven't been drinking
coffee, I got super buzzed and was wide awake for hours
and hours and hours. I felt slightly psychedelic. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(686)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_686"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 8:08
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e385" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e385"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">18</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#333399">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
OHFERFUCKSAKE.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
got home and got all wound up (in a good way) about
</font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/allcomments?blog_id=90000008560&thread_id=685"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">the
conversation in my comments</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and that Kell carried </font><a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/2003_09_01_ulu2_archive.html#106391157912967321"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">over
to her blog</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
I wrote a really long and very cool response. Oh. I'm
tellin ya. It was good. And then I clicked on something
and my computer froze and I had to reboot and ... gone.
It was gone. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
so here's a writing moment. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Can
I rebuild that post. Probably not. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
it was so good.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Deep
breath.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">So
like I was saying. There are times when I get up outta
the bed. Because there's no point in laying in the bed
letting the words thump around my head. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Having
just worked on </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">a
book</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
I also know the value in writing as chop/wood carry/water.
I had to have a writing schedule. And sometimes that
sucked. I figured out that I write pretty well in the
morning and not so well from noon to six. I can kick
back in after 7:00 PM. Odd rhythm sometimes but it worked.
And I had to find ways to enter the work when I was
in no mood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">Last
night I was trying to write in my off line journal.
I've used the same kind of </font><a href="http://www.flaxart.com/f/shopping/prod_detail/main.asp?uid=88D05801-7F37-404B-A831-E6B950AF2064&MainCatID=486&catID=69&sl=0&productID=2774&Style=1&curItemNum=4"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">blank
book</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
for awhile. I was sitting at the table drawing an apple
that was sitting on the plate that Renee gave me. And
then I wrote a little. This particular blank book begins
on 3/27/1990. And I'm only half way though it. I almost
want to give up on it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">In
part it's about my hand writing being so bad. My wrist
being worn out from years of repetitive stress. And
part of it is that I write on the computer. On line
and off. So I have a row of hard bound journals and
then scattered writing on my lap top and my desk top.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">But
then there's THE WRITING. THE WORK. And the new book,
which is (somewhat) less personal and (somewhat) easier
to work on. But I have been frozen. Thick headed. Vague.
And it's a little better now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
think there's more than one kind of writing. And I think
there is writing that feels like a fever. The words
pound and push and pull me to the task. And there are
times when I'm just getting it done. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">And
so the first post had a little more of the fever feel.
There's no way to tell if it was "better."
It sure felt fun. And this feels a bit more like chopping
wood. I can't recapture the thrill of responding. But
I can do the work of responding. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
think all forms of expression come from a variety of
places. I'm not the person who can decide what is good,
better, or best for anyone else. I know I'm happy to
wake up in the middle of the night with language forming
into shapes. And I'm committed to the task of writing.
I don't know what kind of writer I am yet. I almost
hope I can say the same thing in ten years.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I
can tell you that there is such a thing as cook's block.
And dinner still has to happen. But sometimes a cook
sees </font><a href="http://www.usapears.com/varieties_red_anjou.php"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">a
pear</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and then thinks about walnuts and </font><a href="http://www.italyslowtravel.com/E/schedaProdotti.asp?ID=16"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">speck</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://www.city.matsumoto.nagano.jp/www_cbox/html/piint/english/5soba.asp"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">buckwheat
noodles</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">.
And with a little </font><a href="http://www.internationalrecipesonline.com/recipes/dictionary.pl?645"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">brown
butter</font></a><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">
these random ingredients become a thing that is sweet
and crunchy and hearty and salty and somewhat inspired.
And if the cook thinks about all that in the middle
of the night some cooks might get up outta the bed.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#333399" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not sure what I would do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(687)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_687"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#333399" size="1"> 10:03
PM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e386" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e386"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e374"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">19</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I've been feeling abashed. Chagrined. Dismayed.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
know we don't always get each other. Even
when we speak the same language. Even when
we're talking face to face. And sometimes
there are moments of connection. You pay
your money and you take your chance. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
guess.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
watched <a href="http://www.koyaanisqatsi.org/films/koyaanisqatsi.php">Koyaanisquatsi</a>
and <a href="http://www.koyaanisqatsi.org/films/powaqqatsi.php">Powaqqatsi</a>.
I was gonna watch the whole <a href="http://www.koyaanisqatsi.org/">trilogy</a>
in one day but the third one isn't out on
DVD yet. It was great to let all that imagery
move into my eyes and not think. Feel. The movies
are evocative.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Then
I <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=2874282">listened</a>
to <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=2809168&cc=USD">some</a>
<a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=2812717">tunes</a>
and played with the site. It's late. I'm
listening to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/">Now.</a>
The topic is the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/science/clearskies.html">environment.</a>
Having just watched the quatsi movies I'm not enjoying
listening to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/transcript/transcript_clearingtheair.html">Christine
Todd Whitman.</a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">This
will be the second day in a row that I post in the evening.
Maybe I should make that change. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/arts/mosley.html">Walter's
talkin</a>. I'm gonna listen.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(688)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_688"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:54
PM</font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
don't consider myself a pessimist at all.
I think of a pessimist a someone who is
waiting for it to rain. And I feel completely
drenched. - <a href="http://www.webheights.net/speakingcohen/feb93.htm">Leonard
Cohen.</a></span></font><p align="justify"><a id="e387" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">22</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I'm eating toast. I remember when I got
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January03.htm">back
from NC</a> and all I had in the house was
toast and tea. But it was my toast and my
tea in my apartment. Sometimes simple things
bring peace. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I've
been sad. And I'm still a little sad. But
I know the territory. As long as I don't
sink into complete narcissism I figure I'm
OK. I spent the weekend doing the things
that make me feel better. Dusting. Cleaning
some silver earings with toothpaste. Do
you know <a href="http://www.care2.com/channels/solutions/home/124">about that?</a> I made apple/pear
sauce. I read a lot. And watched <a href="http://www.booktv.org/General/index.asp?segID=3869&schedID=211&category=General+Assignment">Book</a>
<a href="http://www.booktv.org/General/index.asp?segID=3869&schedID=211&category=General+Assignment">TV.</a>
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes
it's good to find someone to talk to and
sometimes you just gotta feel through it.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So
my toast is good. I also have yoghurt with strawberries
and banana. And tea. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(689)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_689"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:37
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e388" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e388"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">23</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
There was a <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/09/22/MN309833.DTL">profile
of Tom</a> in the paper. I was struck by
the way the writer represented the height
and weight legislation that Tom wrote.
The article says he instituted protections
for short and fat people. Technically the
legislation was about <a href="http://sfgov.org/site/sfhumanrights_page.asp?id=5911">height
and weight</a>. I guess tall and thin people
don't need protection. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm still suffering
my vote. After I read the article it was
Tom. Don't anyone mention <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">the
other guy</a>. My choice: the left, or left
of the left. Because the idea that Tom has
moved toward the middle seems loopy. Only
in SF is he any where near the middle. I
can't even think about it right now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">CSPAN
played some of <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/09/22/MN23332.DTL">the
debate</a> over the ninth circuit decision.
I can imagine that many voters are confused.
Are we voting? And, gee, <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/gate/special/pages/2003/recall/">who</a>
should I pick? I'll be voting for <a href="http://www.votecamejo.org/">the
guy </a>I voted for the last time. But first
I'll vote <a href="http://moveon.org/pac/recall/?id=-1584821-2sRSHlASZxCBosiKdscwIA">against
the recall</a>. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
was psyched to see <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/000288.html">this
discussion</a> which I jumped to from <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/">Sappho's
Breathing</a>, which I jumped to from <a href="http://trishwilson.typepad.com/blog/">Trish</a>'s
place. </font></span></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>1. what does it mean to be white? what does it mean to be White?</b></span></font></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure about the big W, little w. I'll think
about that. But in general terms being white
means that I can ignore my race. I can live
within an unspoken notion of being the norm.
It means that my relationships with people
of color are complicated by my desire for
race not to matter and the ways in which
I don't see how much it does. It means that
I have to pay attention to the ways in which
I have privilege. It means that I can choose to stay
asleep.<BR><b>2.</b> <b>how
has whiteness affected your world view?</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well
I'm not sure. It goes back to the need to
wake up. I put my world view through constant
analysis to make sure that I see how I am
complicit in the domination of people of
color. It affects how I shop, what I read,
where I get my information. <BR><b>3.
how has whiteness affected your
educational experience?</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to fairly good schools which were well
supplied. If I'd been a person of color
that might not have been true. I wasn't told about a
few things. I wasn't told about the true
horror of slavery. I wasn't told that there
was still discrimination. I wasn't asked
to question why there were no kids of color
in my school. Or my church. I was never
asked to write and essay on how it felt to be white.
<BR><b>4. how has whiteness affected your experience with
authority?</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hmmm.
I've felt so at odds with authority for
so long that I can't quite acknowledge that
my whiteness gives me some degree of safety
when it comes to authority. Of course, no
5/0 is rollin up on me when I walk down
the street. I don't drive but if I did I
probably wouldn't ever worry about being
pulled over.<BR><b>5. how has whiteness affected your experiences with people of
other races and ethnicity?</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well
there are two things that are true. In the
beginning of relationship with a person
of color there is sometimes a tension. I
don't imagine it shouldn't be there. But
I am aware of it. I don't imagine that a
person of color might trust me automatically.
So I think I'm anxious to prove myself trust
worthy. I guess that's true with all people
but it feels more palpable with people of
color. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ethnicity
is another matter. I don't have the same
tension. But I know I have felt like a boring
white girl in a world full of fabulous diversity.
I always wanted to be in the thick of the
cultural soup. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b> </b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
hard for me to answer these questions without
a nod to class and gender and, in my case,
weight. I grew up white collar working class,
daughter of a single mother, female, Methodist
in a Catholic neighborhood. And fat. I've
always felt like I was on the margins. I
didn't go to college until I was in my forties.
I worked in restaurants, so I worked side
by side with people of color and ethnicity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And if you don't think there's discrimination
against fat people, <a href="http://www.wiretapmag.org/story.html?StoryID=15908">think
again</a>. The discussion about fat as an
attribute for identity politics pivots on the idea that
I can be thin if I have some self-control. I hear
the words life-style choice used to describe the change
I need to make. This assumes something about my life-style.
And presumes to tell me how to live. When Gay people
are told that their preference is a life style choice,
most progressive thinkers bristle. There's those assumptions
and presumptions that seem all too obvious. But when
it comes to fat the left is worse than the right. The
right would vigorously defend my right to eat fast food.
Since I don't like fast food, I'm not really enjoying
the support. But many on the left equate my fat ass
with the decline of quality food. And they don't know
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b> </b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
make it my business to read about things
from the perspective of as many people as
I can. Even conservatives. (Cough.) Well
I try. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b> </b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I have privilege. And I know that. I've
chosen to think about myself in terms of
the things that formed me. Race, class,
gender, sexual preference, weight, spiritual
identity. These days I'm aware of how age
plays into the way I live in the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What I can say for sure is that
there's no point in backing off from the
idea that being white has a political meaning.
I think white people get squirmy when we try
to think about it. We want to qualify. I tried to do
some writing on being white once. I found myself writing
more about my relationships to people of color than
my own experience of my race. It was like writing about
absence. And that may be because I was raised by Northern
white liberal conservatives. I had never been aware
of my race. And in a racist culture, that's a problem.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(690)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_690"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:07
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e389" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e389"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">24</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
OK. So <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/09/23/recall1.TMP">we
vote</a>.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Paul
posted the question: <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/discussions/archives/001031.php">what
about that damn Dr. Phil?</a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
can't watch Dr. Phil. I find him too offensive.
I don't think the job of a psychologist
is to dazzle people with his, or her, authority.
I think it might be good for us all to find
our own sense of authority. But a commercial
came on for his show yesterday. I knew his new focus
on "the right way to lose weight"
would piss me off. I was right. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">In
the commercial fat people cry while he nods.
He has the smug look of someone who thinks
he knows people better than they know themselves.
He says to one woman, "When to you
decide to give up and be the fat girl?"
I shouldn't put quotes because, despite
the fact that it was a commercial I heard
more than once, I can't say that those were
the exact words. But they're close enough.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Oh.
Dr. Phil. Ask me. Please. Ask me. Ask me
your stupid reductive questions. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
am so not feeling the love. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Here's
a choice I made just yesterday. I made a
choice to not imagine that being fat means
that I am weak, stupid, emotionally underdeveloped,
compulsive, unlovable, ugly, unhealthy,
or doomed. It's a choice that I make every
day. See I have to make it over and over
because every day I am bombarded by people
who want to look me in the eye and tell
me that they know I'd be happy if I lost
weight. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
thin and average sized people on Dr. Phil's
show...I don't know what they're gonna do.
I guess they just can't change their body
and live happily ever after. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">This
stuff pisses me off. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Here's
a question I'd like to answer: Given the
fact that you have a body so hated and shunned
and lampooned in every part of the culture
do you find yourself feeling any rage? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Here's
some questions I'd like to ask: Have you ever thought
about how you came to all your ideas about fat people?
Have you ever just looked at fat people and spent a
minute not reacting? Is there any other attribute of
physicality that would lead you to draw conclusions
about a total stranger? If not, why not? And why is
fat different? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There's
an <a href="http://www.theonion.com/3937/news2.html">interesting
piece of satire</a> on The Onion. I keep thinking about
it. It did not make me laugh. I found it chilling. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(691)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_691"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:15
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e390" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e390"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">25</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
Something happened to my cable. They moved
things around and I may have new channels. I don't actually
watch TV very often. It's often on, but it's off to
the side. I'm looking at my computer, or moving around
the apartment. I listen to <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/1pro_updt/morningshow.php">the</a>
<a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">radio</a> in
the morning and at 10:00 AM I flip on <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353">channel
26</a>.But if there's no meetings I go to MSNBC, or
CNN. I have those channel numbers memorized and yesterday
I realized that they were different. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So
I spent some time actually looking at the TV. I clicked
through and saw the new stuff. There was nothing that
seemed too exciting. I think the resolution may be better
as well. I was watching MSNBC and I was struck by the
amount of flashing, strobeing lights between each segment
of (cough) news. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
do watch <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html">The
West Wing</a>. And last night I was pleased to see John
Goodman. Granted he is playing the part of the evil
Republican guy who is taking over the presidency. And
he did make a fat joke, sort of. He said something about
being one plate of ribs away from a heart attack. Other
than that he is a fine actor and it's good to see a
fat man in a serious role. I meant to watch <a href="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/fall_preview_2003/shows/brotherhood.shtml">The
Brotherhood of Poland</a> because <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001037.php">Paul
blogged</a> about the fat men in serious roles on that
show. But I forgot until the last few minutes of the
show. Now. If we can have more than <a href="http://www.camryn.com/">one
fat woman</a> in a serious role. Actually I think that
<a href="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/judging_amy/">Judging
Amy</a> is pretty good. There is <a href="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/judging_amy/cast02.shtml">Tyne</a>.
But the <a href="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/judging_amy/cast08.shtml">Jillian
Armenante</a> role is a bit slapstick. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Willa
has been <a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/sept03/sept23.shtml">playing
with her (naked)SIMS</a>. So funny! It's a really buggy
game. I get ghosts on the staircase. There is no one
on the staircase but the SIMS stand there waiting as
if there is. There's nothing to do but evict them and
bulldoze the house. I've had SIMS lose their bodies.
Usually after I put in a new expansion pack. The last
time <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e378">I
wrote about playing</a>, <a href="http://www.hang10honey.com/">Shelby</a>
told me about the <a href="http://millenniumsims.millenniaweb.com/">magic
mirror</a>. I did go get it. It does change the way
you play when you can refresh their needs. It is tell
tale that once I used it I stopped playing for a while.
It confused me. If there were no needs to struggle with
I wasn't sure how to play. I don't think I'm very good
at playing. I take it all too seriously. I also downloaded
a <a href="http://www.nonamesims.com/">kitchen by Shelby</a>.
Very sweet. I played a little bit last night while I
listened to <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/09/25/MN3041.DTL">the
debate</a>. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
thought <a href="http://www.votearianna.com/">Arianna</a>
was cool. She has fire and she fronted off when the
guys weren't quite telling the truth. And <a href="http://www.votecamejo.org/">Peter</a>
was a bit stiff. But then again he knew he wasn't going
to get much airtime. He was the only one who didn't
slam another candidate. It was all a bit too fractious
for me. Lots of flash and dazzle. Not enough on
issues. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It
was good to have little virtual characters to watch
instead of the candidates. I'm still hung up on my SIMS
gardens and training the <a href="http://thesims.ea.com/us/index.html">kitties
and the puppies</a> so they can win awards at the pet
show. And the magic mirror comes in handy because it
keeps everyone in a good mood while they do that stuff.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
need a magic mirror. I spent a half an hour writing
a cover letter for a job that I didn't feel totally
qualified for and then deleted it because it felt too
dumb. Which explains the television watching and game
playing. After that misery, I needed to check out.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
with all that TV watching, much of which was news channels,
I didn't see anything about the <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/09/25/nigeria.stoning/index.html">good
news</a>. I had to read <a href="http://astridiana.blogspot.com/">Kerri</a>
for that news. I did hear endless chatter about the
debate and the <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/09/24/congress.iraq.ap/index.html">United
Nations</a> and the <a href="http://money.cnn.com/2003/09/25/news/economy/ftc_call/index.htm?cnn=yes">no
call list</a>. The same three stories over and over.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(692)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_692"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:11
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e391" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e391"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">26</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I did Armageddon shopping yesterday. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Since
I don't drive, I'm always needing someone to take me
to the store. Maybe not always. There are <a href="http://www.realfoodco.com/">stores</a>
that deliver and I get <a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/">Planet
Organics</a> every week. So I always have fruit and
vegetables. And Planet Organics has <a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/users/groceries_details.asp">some
groceries</a>. But there are things I like to get at
<a href="http://www.rainbowgrocery.org/">Rainbow</a>
and I Like to buy meat and fish at <a href="http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/">Whole
Foods</a>. So Deb took me to both stores and I stocked
up. I buy way too much of everything. Hence the name:
Armageddon shopping. If Armageddon happens this weekend
come by my house. We'll have a little party. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
a fan of the <a href="http://www.newmansown.com/2_home.html">Newman's</a>
stuff. I like the <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_pretzels.html">pretzels</a>
and the <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">Newman
O's</a>. I like junk food with some substance and I
like that they made a version of a popular cookie. I
don't love the filling. And Newman's sells <a href="http://www.shopnatural.com/html/16635.htm">tops
and bottoms</a>. It's just a good chocolate hit. I bought
some yesterday and I was looking at the package, on
which it says "fat free." </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Uh.
Yeah. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It
seems like food labels are designed to convince us that
we aren't eating "bad" food. And I have a
lot of thoughts about good food/bad food. But my thoughts
are all around the quality, not the relative health
notions. And the Newman's stuff has better ingredients.
The other sandwich cookie tries to convince you that
there's nothing wrong with <a href="http://164.109.16.145/update/faq.html">their
ingredients</a>, especially since <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/05/14/oreo.suit/">they've
been sued</a>. But, come on. It's junk. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
then there's the companies. <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/election_96/kraft.html">Kraft's
parent company is Phillip Morris.</a> Newman's is ...
well ... <a href="http://www.newmansown.com/125million.htm">Newman's</a>.
They have their own <a href="http://www.newmansown.com/mcdonalds.htm">dubious
alliances</a> but they're <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/mother_jones/MJ93/kahn.html">the
better choice.</a> I'm always looking for better quality
in terms of ingredients and least offensive business
practices in my junk food consumption. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">A
nutritionist in the <a href="http://showmethedata.info/">SMTD</a>
group says this great thing. She talks about whether
pizza or broccoli is the better food. Most people will
say broccoli. But you can't actually live on broccoli.
You could live on pizza. Which isn't to say that anyone
should live on pizza. But the good food/bad food conversation
is subtle. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
also got some <a href="http://www.villageorganics.com/popun28ozbya.html">popcorn.</a>
On that package I read that it was good roughage. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Uh
huh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Sounds
like I bought a lot of snack food doesn't it? Well yes.
I did. I also got some other things. I got a salmon
burger, which I think I'll have for dinner tonight with
some of the squash I got from Planet Organics. I got
chicken salad and some heirloom tomatoes. I got cereal
and milk. I've been eating fruit and yoghurt for breakfast
all summer. The fruit was so good. Now I have a lot
of apples and pears. Which I don't like as much in yoghurt.
I like them on their own. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
good food/bad food divide is drawn in my world. I don't
like junk. But I do like snacks. Deb and I had sushi
for lunch and I wasn't hungry for snacks after that.
Which is good. Because now I still have them. You know.
For when Armageddon happens. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(693)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_693"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:41
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e392" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e392"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">27</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
It's almost like there's a dotted line drawn
down the middle of me. Half of me is pulsing need. I
need a job. I need my book to get published. I need
support. I need people to tell me that my writing doesn't
suck and my book will get published. I need people to
tell me that everything will be OK. Better than OK.
I need to not be alone in bed at night. I need. I need
I need. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
the other half of me, in an effort to not be swallowed
by my own need, is apathetic. I don't care. I've given
up. It is what it is. Fuck it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
on the narrow line in the middle, trying to take deep
breaths and hold things together. Or not hold them together
but just have some kind of Zen approach. Be in the moment.
Don't let the fear of what may, or may not, be run you
into the wall. Feel through it all. Watch each thought
and watch them pass. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">A
problem with how many thoughts I have and how fast they
bombard me makes that Zen thing kinda like the scene
in the Lucy show when the lady speeds up the candy machine
and Lucy is shoving them in her mouth and down her shirt
and, well, you get the picture. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So
I place my palms, face up on my knees, straighten my
back, draw a long, full draft of breath into my
nose, and all the while I feel like a fraud. Because
the need is nagging. The fear is poking. What if? What
if? What if?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Eh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/GodMustBeABoogieMan.cfm">God
must be a boogi man.</a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(694)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_694"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:32
AM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e393" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e393"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">28</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I watched <a href="http://www.paramountclassics.com/bloodysunday/">Bloody
Sunday</a> yesterday. I have <a href="http://www.cmp.ucr.edu/photography/hidden/catalog.html">a
book</a> about it that I pulled out after
I watched the film. In the beginning
of the book there is a Susan Sontag quote.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">"Photographs
state the innocence, the vulnerability of
lives headed toward their own destruction,
and this link between photography and death
haunts all photographs of people."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It
was synchronistic because I'd been in an e-mail exchange
with <a href="http://pagecount.burningbird.net/blog.html">Mike</a>
about <a href="http://www.ospolitics.org/usa/archives/2003/09/16/the_fallen.php#more.">his
post</a> on the falling man. And I'd been thinking about
photographs in a broad, general, musing kinda way. And
then as I watching the film I remembered <a href="http://www.cmp.ucr.edu/photography/hidden/tour/12.html">images</a>
from <a href="http://www.cmp.ucr.edu/photography/hidden/tour/13.html">photos</a>
I'd seen.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">This
morning I woke up thinking about <a href="http://sinnfein.ie/history">Northern
Ireland</a>, <a href="http://www.zmag.org/content/showarticle.cfm?SectionID=22&ItemID=4238">Palestine,</a>
<a href="http://electroniciraq.net/news/1115.shtml">Iraq</a>.
A world of young men dressed in uniforms with guns and
tanks facing off young men with rocks. It's not that
simple. But in the early morning it was the image that
drifted up through my dreams. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The innocence. The vulnerability <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/news/news-iraq-usa-guard.html">of
lives</a>.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Maybe
I'll go for <a href="http://sf.indymedia.org/news/2003/09/1648377.php">a
walk</a>.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(695)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_695"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:42
AM</font></p>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e394" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e394"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e387"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">29</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I woke up this morning feeling fuzzy
and wordless. I wasn't even going to post. I think it's
about Monday. And unemployment. And feeling like I'm
drifting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">But
I got some e-mail about <a href="http://www.phatsa.org">a
new message board</a> that was set up in a reaction
to <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA's</a> message
boards. Apparently the people feel that they need to
be able to talk about weight loss. And they feel attacked
on the NAAFA boards.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
don't read the NAAFA boards. I read and wrote in the
<a href="http://www.fatso.com/gabcafe/tmp.html">Gab
Cafe</a> for a while. But I find it too frustrating.
If I want to confront someone I want to be able to look
them in the eyes. On the Gab Cafe I would post something
in response to something someone said and they wouldn't
respond. And then there is the problem with text. People
don't always express themselves well in text. I don't
always express myself well in text. And meaning begins
to shift. Things are taken out of context, move through
filters of personal experience, hit sore spots; it just
gets loopy. And I was putting in a huge amount of time
checking back in on the boards. Sometimes I'd get back
and there would be thirty or forty messages between
what I said and where I would re-enter the conversation.
It just didn't work for me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Paul
deals with this stuff on <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB.</a>
He wrote <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/columnists/archives/001041.php">a
great column</a> about his sense of the "health"
issue. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
read a bit of the new board. I have the same feelings
about the problems with text. Lot's of cut and paste
of people's words. And then a response to that out of
context bit. I would hafta spend the day reading the
NAAFA boards to get the full context before I would
feel like I could jump in. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">But
I do want to say something. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There
are plenty of places where people can talk about dieting
and weight loss. There are very few places where we
can do critical thinking about why fatness is so hated
and dismantle the idea that being fat is inherently
unhealthy. So this need to describe one version of size
acceptance as truer than another seems like a way
to say ... well I'm not that fat. Or, I'm fat but I
am trying to lose weight. That kind of line drawing
feels like a shot to someone like me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So.
Is there a line? Are places like NAAFA unfriendly to
the REALLY fat people who are only trying to lose weight
for their health? I can't say. I can say that every
time I've been at a NAAFA event someone has whispered
to me that this sized acceptance stuff is all well and
good but didn't I think that we'd all be healthier if
we lost weight? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Any
conversation about how much healthier I'd be if I lost
weight has to include what I would do to lose weight.
I know very fat people who are struggling with compulsive
over eating. They need to have conversations about that.
They need to sort out why they eat what they eat. But
I think they can do that without talking about whether
or not they'd lose weight. I think people who have mobility
issues can talk about how to improve their mobility
without talking about weight loss. How would a
thin or average sized person who has problems with mobility
or eating too much crap have the conversation? They
exist. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
am VERY fat. And there are issues with being this fat.
My way of dealing with those issues is to take
them individually and try to problem solve with out
the fat hating. My relationship to my body is fifty
years old. I know the details of what it's been through.
One of the reasons I say I wouldn't take the magic weight
loss pill is because I value what I've learned from
being in this body. I value the process. I even value
the aches and pains. I know it might be easier for other
people if I lost weight. But I would still have health
issues. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
fat revolution is a paradigm shift. And those are
hard to make. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
was thinking about something Meg said <a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/allcomments?blog_id=90000008560&thread_id=691">in
my comments</a> a while back. She said that she was
feeling fat and depressed. And she noted a time when
she lost weight and someone said, "the sicker you
get the better you look." </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Think
about that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
sicker you get. The better you look. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">We
live in a world where thinness is so good and fat is
so bad that a friend would say something that lends
merit to illness. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
don't have a true definition for size acceptance. I
know that people are individuals. Life stories vary.
Each body is an expression of all the things that happen
in a life. Much too complex to be reduced. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Pun
intended. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(696)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_696"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:08
PM</font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e395" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e395"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">September</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e395"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">30</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
My cable has been fucked up. It goes out
at odd times. It's been going on for three months. I
call. I write letters. They came and brought me a new
box once. They tell me that they are working on the
system and sometimes the cable will go out because of
that. But it goes out on Sunday morning and I know there's
no one working on the system on Sunday morning. So the
cable guys came yesterday. They brought another
new box. They think it might be my TV. Which is old.
We'll see. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">When
they left I was looking through all the new channels
I got the other day. I don't have HBO, or anything like
that. But I do have a bunch of channels that show movies.
And just junk TV. I watched a bit of a Lifetime bio
on <a href="http://www.lifetimetv.com/shows/ip/portraits/0328/0328_bio.html">Constance
Marie</a>, who is currently on the <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/georgelopez/en/index.html">George
Lopez show</a> but who I remember from <a href="http://www.pbs.org/americanfamily/behind4.html">American
Family</a>. She said, "I know what it's like to
not be represented on TV. It makes you feel separate."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Yep.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
that took me back to <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e390">something
I was thinking about the other day.</a> I was feeling
pretty sad after a day of reading on those message boards
trying to see if there was a way I could contribute
to the conversation. I can't post to the new board because
I would be a troll there and that seems wrong headed.
I won't read there any more. I think I've learned all
I need to know about what they're about and it's too
sad. There's some really loopy reasoning going on. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
think it may be true that fat revolution kids might
be a bit defensive when it comes to conversations about
why people are fat. Most of us have accepted that we
are fat because we have a genetic predisposition. From
that base of genetics there are things like the impact
of stress, <a href="http://arbl.cvmbs.colostate.edu/hbooks/pathphys/endocrine/bodyweight/leptin.html">hormones</a>,
yo-yo dieting and so on. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There
was an article about how <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F20912FD3D5E0C758DDDA00894DB404482">carbs
switch off stress</a> that made me think about how some
people have issues with compulsive eating. And it just
struck me as such an obvious thing. We are all, fat
and thin, under more stress. And fat people are under
a particular kind of stress. So there are people who
reach for the chips. And then we blame them for their
weakness. And they feel attacked. And stressed. And
they reach for the chips. Is it too much to ask that
we just stop talking about how bad fat is?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Constance
Marie thinks a day will come when we are represented
on TV. I wonder. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
appreciate the comments yesterday. I do hope more fat
people start telling the truth about their individual experience.
And I hope the rhetoric war slows down on the boards.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Don't
forget. It's <a href="http://rabbit.notifylist.com/rabbit-archive/1064867387.html">Rabbit
Rabbit</a> day tomorrow. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(697)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_697"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:46
AM</font></p>
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