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<p> <font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>September
2002</b></span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b> </b></span></font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
1 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:41
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I
usually like </span></font><a href="http://www.thislife.org/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">This
American Life</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
but yesterday's was GREAT. They talked about testosterone.
It was so great. The problem was that I usually have
this stuff on in the background while I'm writing. I
was hanging on every word of this show. I stopped writing
all together. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yesterday
was a course in how to avoid writing. It was truly amazing
to me, even as I lived through it, how many things I
just HAD to do rather than write. I finally settled
in the afternoon and got some done. Was it any good?
Uh...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
the testosterone thing was great. It's not a girls=good
boys=bad thing. We all have testosterone. They interviewed
a man who had his testosterone suppressed for an unspecified medical
reason. I swear the state of consciousness he described
was like the way they describe satori. And they interviewed
a female to male transsexual who talked about the effect
testosterone injections had on his relationship to women.
It was so interesting. You can listen to it on line.
Now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
keep getting counters and I could never figure out how
people knew how people got to their sites via Google
searches. I got a new one last week and now I know.
It's kinda fun. I don't have that much traffic but someone
came here from searching on men are complicated. I love
that! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
I should thank </span></font><a href="http://www.willa.com"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Willa</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
since I get the most hits from her link list. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
forgot to remind you about </span></font><a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Rabbit Rabbit.</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> But you should
really subscribe to the reminder. It's so fun. </span></font><a href="http://www.jezebel.com/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Heather</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
is on vacation so </span></font><a href="http://www.calamondin.com/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Judith</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> did it this month.
Don't worry. Just say tibbar tibbar tonight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
don't think I wrote about the family who went to the Portland protest
and </span></font><a href="http://portland.indymedia.org/front.php3?article_id=18010&group=webcast"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">were
pepper sprayed</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I've been talking about a lot. I heard the father interviewed on
</font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Democracy
Now</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. It's shocking
to me how many people want to scold the parents for taking their
children to the protest and not say a word about the police. Taking
a child to a protest is the choice on an individual parent and I
wouldn't second guess that choice. I also think that parents ought
to be able to take their kids to a demonstration with out fear of
the people whose job it is to protect them. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segID=2735&schedID=145"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Today.
On Book TV. The mighty mighty Howard Zinn</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I am psyched. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(278)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_278"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
2 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:53
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> Got
to listen to </span></font><a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segID=2735&schedID=145"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Howard</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
for a while before going to the fat women's swim. It
was Deb's birthday so we went to </span></font><a href="http://208.55.38.156/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Oliveto's</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
for lunch. It was a really nice day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Dru
blogged a </span></font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/archives/000628.html#000628"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">conversation </font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">about
a </span></font><a href="http://www.joeboxer.com/promotion_kmart.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Joe
Boxer ad</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
I reacted to the ad the first time I saw it. The guy
is cute and the music is up beat and there is a giggly
quality to the whole thing. At the same time it seemed
a little too step-n-fetchit for me. But then I'd wonder
why I felt that way. Are Black men suppose to be stoic
and reserved? Dru has collected
some quotes from </span></font><a href="http://www.negroplease.com/archives/000109.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">a</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><a href="http://www.thebrotherlove.com/archives/000199.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">number</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/past/000210.html#000210"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">of</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">African</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
American men talking about how the commercial made them
feel. And then some people tell them to lighten up. Lighten
up? It gives me chills. I'm truncating and paraphrasing. Read it. It's compelling.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">In
the </span></font><a href="http://www.thislife.org/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">testosterone
thing</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I was talking about yesterday there was this thing said
about testosterone getting men in trouble. That they'd
say things that would get them into trouble. It reminded
me of the recent </span></font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000664.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">babe
controversy</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
What's that about? Getting into trouble? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
hope that when I talk to people about things that are
sexist, racist, homophobic, fatist, what ever...I hope
that don't front off like some mama with a whippin stick.
I mean how are we going to get clear if we don't talk
to each other? Nobody
is in trouble. We're just talkin here. Right? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
ended the day as I had begun it. Listening to Howard.
Lovely. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
is Labor day. Jessamyn has some thoughts and </font><a href="http://www.jessamyn.com/journal/02/sep02.shtml"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">great
links</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I met </font><a href="http://www.igc.org/dbacon/index.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">David
Bacon</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
a few years ago. He does good work. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Gotta
work on writing now. It's due tomorrow. Wish me luck.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(279)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_279"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
3 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:36
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> What
is going on? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0209/02/cf.00.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Ralph
Nader</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
was on CNN. And then.</span></font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/802743.asp"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
Barbara Ehrenreich </font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">was
on MSNBC. Amazing. Of course the Crossfire boys were
chaotic and reductive but Nader held his own. Fortunately,
or unfortunately, depending on how you think about it,
a friend called me and I didn't get to listen to the
part of the show where they talked about the fast food
stuff. Because if I had watched it (and not just read
the transcript) I'd have to rant about how much I don't
like fast food and I am fat and many fat people who
I know do not eat fast food. And many do. I'd have to
go on and on about how these guys talk about fat people
as if we are the most disgusting, repulsive creatures
in the known universe. They do this in a public forum.
And there is little public out cry about the limited
understanding, stigmatizing, mean spirited nature of
their conversation. I'd have to get all worked up and
rant. But I didn't see that part. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
did get the writing done. I like some of it. The reading
is great. </span></font><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=52f4d351a3e8ef18&s=showproduct&isbn=0374525293"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">This
book</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
is giving me the spins. I keep calling Suzanne and making
her listen to it so I can talk about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
was reading </span></font><a href="http://www.links.net/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Justin</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
this morning. Which I don't do that often. I have </span></font><a href="http://www.blogtree.com/blogtree.php?blogid=4348"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">claimed
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">him
as my blogfather (and </span></font><a href="http://www.willa.com"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Willa</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
as my blog mother. I remain childless. Sniff.) but sometimes
I feel old when I read him. I dunno. But he had a link
to one of my </span></font><a href="http://users.crocker.com/~lwm/emperor.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">favorite
poems</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
It's that kinda thing that makes me go back. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
should say that the poem is one of my favorites because,
back in the day, a man with whom I was much enamoured,
used to recite it. And, despite the problematic and
possibly misogynistic bits of the poem, and despite
the problematic and definitely misogynistic bits of
the man who recited it, it makes me smile to remember
it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
mean, I feel estranged from people sometimes. People
in general, and people with whom I have real time relationships,
and people who I read on the web. I go through all these
internal changes and they never know. Heh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
doesn't take much to set me off and it doesn't take
much to bring me back. Just a link to a poem. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(280)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_280"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
4 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 10:36
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I
didn't love school that much last year. I loved parts
of it. I loved the classes and the reading. I loved people. But I had some trouble
with the workshopping. I still
feel a little defensive. But I actually think it might
be OK. For one thing, the writing I'm doing is the kind
of writing my classmates like to read. And working on
the <strike>BSWP</strike> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">THE</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> BOOK this summer made
that OK for me. In other words, I'm telling a story
in THE BOOK. It's narrative. What ever. I'm not worried
that people won't understand what I'm trying to do.
I'm not trying to do anything. I'm just telling a story.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
feeling better about school is about more than all
that. </span></font><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=52f4d351a3e8ef18&s=showproduct&isbn=0374525293"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
reading</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
is what's turning it around for me. I love the way this
guy writes. I wish I could write like that. I love the
structure, the rhythm of the writing, the way in which
he draws no conclusion but rather poses possibility.
I have issues with the some of the possibilities he
poses. But I love it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'd
like to write something like that. Right now,
I'm not sure what to write about. I can keep working
on THE BOOK, or I could take a break. I've even thought
about writing about blogging. But I'm not sure what
to write about that would really set me off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">This
is probably not at all clear. It's still not clear in
me. I
still feel a bit ... (sorry. I love the dots.) ...out
of place in school. Er, sumthin. But it's better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Speaking
of school. I try to remind everyone to listen to </span></font><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Pattie
and Carl's show</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
on Thursday's. </font><a href="http://cfuv.uvic.ca/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">On
CFUV</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
At noon. My time. Sometimes I forget. But today I have
a vested interested. I'm gonna be on the show! Pattie
interviewed me. Talking about school. And she interviewed
Suzanne too. Tada! Now if I can get Kell to put
me in a movie ...</font> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(281)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_281"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The issues of war and peace cannot be melted down into a naive psychology of
'peace through better understanding among peoples'. It is not the aggression of
people in general but their mass indifference that is the point of their true
political and psychological relevance to the thrust toward war. It is neither
the 'psychology of peoples' nor raw 'human nature' that is relevant; it is the
moral insensibility of people who are selected, molded, and honoured in the mass
society. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font><a href="http://www.faculty.rsu.edu/~felwell/Theorists/Mills/index.htm#Individual"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">-
C. Wright Mills</font></span></a></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">You deplore the demonstrations taking place In Birmingham. But your statement, I
am sorry to say, fails to express a similar concern for the conditions that
brought about the demonstrations. I am sure that none of you would want to rest
content with the superficial kind of social analysis that deals merely with
effects and does not grapple with underlying causes. It is unfortunate that
demonstrations are taking place in Birmingham, but it is even more unfortunate
that the city's white power structure left the Negro community with no
alternative. </font></span>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> -
</font><a href="http://almaz.com/nobel/peace/MLK-jail.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Martin
Luther King</font></a></span></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
5 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:53
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> I</span><span style="font-size:10pt;">'ve
gone epigraph crazy. I know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
got e-mail from </span></font><a href="http://www.house.gov/pelosi/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Nancy
Pelosi</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
She's happy that I wrote to her to tell her that I do
not support a war in Iraq. She believes we need to proceed
with great caution. No congress woman. We do not need
to </span></font><a href="http://www.rmpjc.org/STOP-THE-WAR-AGAINST-IRAQ/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">proceed
at all</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'm
so frustrated.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yesterday.
Wrote stuff. Went to school. Watched </span></font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/americanfamily/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">American
Family</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Including the portrait of the </font><a href="http://www.kqed.org/tv/amfamily/sorro.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Sorro
family</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
The parents were married at the </font><a href="http://www.mistersf.com/notorious/notihotel.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
Hotel</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Every
once in a while I try to participate in a conversation
on the web most often occurring in the cluster of bloggers
I stumbled upon a year ago or so. I am generally ignored.
It used to bug me. It probably still does. I decided
it was a slight to the people who do read me to keep
shouting and waving at the kids in the school yard who
were ignoring me. But just like the </font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/archives/000628.html#000628"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Joe
Boxer</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
conversation got me thinking and feeling and responding
there has been this </font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000678.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">protracted</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://www.kalilily.net/weblog/02/09/04/134042.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">conversation</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://www.jngm.net/cgi-bin/arjlog/arjlog.py?date=2002-09-02"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">about</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/cat_close_to_home.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">sexism</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Protracted because, I suspect, it began with all
</font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000664.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">this</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
are times when I just don't want to talk to men about
sexism. It makes me tired.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Yeah.
Keep your glossy mags. Ignore what woman are telling
you about the way it feels to have other women's bodies,
airbrushed, Photoshopped bodies, set the standard for
beauty and desirability. Don't worry about the young
women who stop eating all together because their boyfriends
make a comment about someone being fat. Don't imagine
the damage to their health that not eating, or eating
and puking will do to their bodies. Some of which will
be irreparable. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
slipped into my own agenda here a bit but hey...what
the fuck? I live in a box. I live in the fat girl
box. I have my own version of the </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2002_08_25.html#e000900"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">grunch</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
It's one where the guys stick their head out the
window and yell things about my body and it feels much
the same way. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
I am TOO sexy for my box. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
was all wound up and serious and now I'm laughing so
hard. Ahhhhhhhhhh. That felt good. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
moved the link to the Daily Summit </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">here</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Pattie
and Carl's show</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. Today.
</font><a href="http://cfuv.uvic.ca/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">On
CFUV</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
At noon. My time. I'm gonna be on the show. Talking about school.</font></span><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(282)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_282"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
5 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 11:56
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> And
another thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
read a woman on the web talking about women's bodies
in the gym. I'm not going to go into her space and say
this but I'm pissed. And this is my space. She sees
the fat ones (you know the ones that look like me) and
she wonders how they got that way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Well.
They got that way because they have a some stuff in
their DNA that codes for a tenancy toward fatness. Then,
of course, they are women and have a biological need
for weight to build up in certain areas of their bodies.
Something about protecting the progeny. Factor that
into your plan for perpetuating the species. Then
some of them began dieting early in early in life, as
teenagers, or even got put on diets as small children
when their parents got worried about their chubby little
baby thighs. But they got tired of living with so much
restriction and hyper awareness of food. They stopped
paying attention. They regained the weight. They went
on another diet. Fucked up their metabolism so bad their
bodies aren't sure what to do any more. Some of them
had kids and spent so much time and energy taking care
of their children's bodies and their husbands bodies
that they neglected their own bodies. They were too
exhausted to go to the gym. They grabbed quick easy
food on the way to taking their kids to a soccer match.
Some of them just like chocolate cake and aren't interested
in exercise. Some of them still love their bodies. Some
of them have the temerity to imagine that their body
is none of your business. Some of them ate plenty of
veggies and fruit and fish before they ate the cake.
And when you saw them at the gym, that was one of the
three times a week they go, because they know they'll
feel better if they do. For some of them your congratulations
is unwelcome. You imagine that they are working to make
themselves smaller because that would be the moral thing
to do. That's not why they're there. They don't give
a fuck what you think about the size of their ass. Some
of the ones you don't see at the gym don't go because
they know what you're thinking when you look at them
and they don't feel safe in the line of your gaze. There
is not just one kind of ... them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
don't worry. Being fat isn't contagious. you can relax
in the superiority of your efforts to never let yourself...get
THAT way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Second
post of the day. I never do this. But I'm pissed off.
It's almost noon. Is your </span></font><a href="http://cfuv.uvic.ca/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">radio</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
on?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(283)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_283"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
6 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:43
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I've
been talking about </span></font><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=52f4d351a3e8ef18&s=showproduct&isbn=0374525293"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">the
book</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
we're reading for class and how much I love the writing
and the intellect. I do. And much of the content troubles
me. I'm still struggling to understand why. There are
no quick easy conclusions drawn in this book. It's a
lovely and complex thesis. And some of it feels off.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
feel almost worried to try and represent what he saying.
I'm still not sure I'm getting it all. But something
he wrote about Black women poets in the early days of
the Black power revolution rang loud to me as I went
through my blog roll today. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="453">
<tr>
<td width="447" height="109">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
poetesses my sister and I listened to commanded
the respect of their male "comrades"
because they were inventing themselves as
officers of war. As those women in their
conspiratorial, syncopated voices, another
tone expressive of something other than
the self-congratulatory broke in. The tone
expressed their need for Daddy to shut them
up. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">This
is out of context but it is a part of his text that
haunts me. I don't want to belive it. It feels bad in
my body when I read it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Over
the past few weeks I've watched as two woman bloggers
gave voice to something that they felt. Then I watched
while male bloggers reacted, defended, diminished, picked
at the syntax, made parody, cried foul. Some women
bloggers rushed to defend the men. Some turned on each
other. Things pulled away from the center, the context
mutated, rhetoric flew. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
the women, who had taken the risk to give voice to their
feelings, I keep wondering if they feel heard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I've
said many times that I am always mindful of the systems
we live in. I blame the systems for making it so hard
to wake up. But we do need to wake up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Is
that what happens? When a woman puts her heart out and
speaks directly about her pain, is she really asking
Daddy to shut her up? Shut her up with kisses? Move
over her with passion and consumption? Silence her with
his adoration? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'm
crying while I write this. I feel rage, grief, loss,
fear. I feel this. Deal with it. Don't deal with it.
</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(284)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_284"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
8 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:55
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> Friday
was odd. Saturday morning I did my blog stroll and thought
...ahhhhh...what the fuck. It's the first time I haven't
posted in a ...actually I think it might be the second
time I haven't post since I started this project. Ironic
since I went to bed on Friday very early with a pile
of books and mags and read most of the night, all the
while thinking how amazing people are when they write. But
on Saturday morning I wasn't feeling amazing. I was
feeling hopeless. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
know the September 11 stuff is wearing on me. I've been
crying a lot. There is reason to cry. But what I resent
is the media stir up of grief and anger in a not even
veiled attempt to kick up patriotism. Or at least sales
of flag paraphernalia. Someone made a joke about Hallmark
making 9/11 cards. Well they're calling it </span></font><a href="http://www.hallmark.com/hmk/Website/ISE/is_promotion.jsp?CONTENT_KEY=PATRIOT_DAY_2002&CONTENT_TYPE=TOP_PAGE&fromPage=%2fWebsite%2fhallmark_home.jsp&lid=HPB1&BV_SessionID=@@@@0628651288.1031497925@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcfdgjlelebedcfchcgi.0"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Patriot
day</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
And they are making cards. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Chilling.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's
embarrassing to live in such a narcissistic country.
With all the horror in the world phrases like - the
day the world changed - are tossed around. The world
is always changing. The change does not pivot on our
loss. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=104116"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">K2</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
came over to bring me Kobi food. He made some pasta sauce
and brought me some already chopped veggies
to add, and fresh pasta from a place he goes to in Berkeley,
the name of which I forget. And some gelato and fruit.
I'm going to feast on it all today. I made a pizza with
tapanade, chicken, artichoke hearts and fontina. We
ate some pizza and chatted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
listened to </span></font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/09/08/BA197247.DTL"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">911
festival</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
on </font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">KPFA</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
That many people and my sore knees made it too much
of a worry for me to actually go. And that made me a
little sad. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
spaced out all day. I'm not feeling amazing today. But.
Some how the effort seems to be important. </font></span></p>
<p align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(285)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_285"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
9 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:08
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span><span style="font-size:10pt;">We're
reading a bunch of journal entries for class. </span></font><a href="http://www.mastertexts.com/Defoe_Daniel/A_Journal_of_the_Plague_Year/Chapter00001.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">A
journal of the plague year</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
by Defoe, which is not a fun read.</span></font><a href="http://orlando.jp.org/VWWARC/DAT/vwdiary.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
A Writer's Diary</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">,
Virginia Woolf, who I think might have been a great
blogger. </span></font><a href="http://www.scholars.nus.edu.sg/landow/post/soyinka/soyinkaov.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Wole
Soyinka</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">,
writing about fasting in prison and </span></font><a href="http://eea.marin.org/winter1.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Sue
Hubbell, from A Country Year.</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
I read napped and read and napped. I'm going to need
to reread it all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Ate
</font><a href="http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=380041"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Kobi</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> food. Yum. He gave me so much that I'll be eating
it today as well. Not a problem. I ate all the vegetables
and the gelato and fruit. But I have pasta and sauce
enough for one, or maybe two, meals. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Drifting.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Willa
</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">has been
playing with her SIMS and linked to a </font><a href="http://members.lycos.co.uk/persimmongrove/index.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">bunch</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font><a href="http://fplot.confusticate.com/thesims/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">of</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://kyoen.cool.ne.jp/dl_index.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">fan</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font><a href="http://www.cheapfrills.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">sites</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
It amazes me how creative folks are. By eight I gave
up on reading and downloaded some stuff for my
Monks. Now they can do Kung Fu, meditate and paint on
different easels. It was fun to space out and play.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="502">
<tr>
<td width="207">
<p><img src="monk3.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="207">
<p><img src="monk2.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="74">
<p><img src="monk1.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
radio and television might need to stay off. But I'm
too addicted. </font><a href="http://www.noahgrey.com/journal/00000016.shtml"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Noah
Grey</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> won't
have them on. When they're on I'm either mad or crying.
Even when it's </font><a href="http://www.zmag.org/sustainers/content/2002-09/05chomsky.cfm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Chomsky</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
on CSPAN. I keep thinking, I didn't lose a friend or
family member. Is it disingenuous to feel so emotional?
And I am not going along with this national mourning
thang. It's too crass. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
something did happen. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Last
night I dreamed I was hanging out with Chomsky and </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/team.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Amy
Goodman</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(286)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_286"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
10 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:08
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> Is
</span></font><a href="http://slate.msn.com/?id=2070559"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">this</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
beside the point or is it me? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
first time I saw the commercial it made me tense. Frankly,
there aren't many commercials that don't make me tense.
It seemed problematic in terms of race and representation
in obvious ways. But I also thought the guy was cute
and the music and his goofy ness made me laugh. I see
why people like it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
when </span></font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/archives/000628.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dru
blogged</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
about it I reacted. I reacted to the feelings of the
men. It bothered them. I understood why. I didn't hear
any of them ask for a boycott of the stupid underwear.
They just said things about how the stupid commercial
for the stupid underwear made them feel. Not simple
stuff.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Oh
but ya know KMART was just trying to be " sexy, irreverent and fun".
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">What
ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
I reacted to the people saying things to the guys like
... lighten up. WHAT THE FUCK? Lighten fucking up? So,
now Slate tells them the same thing. I'm just gonna
swing out and bet that none of these guys thought an
ad agency went out looking for the guy who could look
the most step n fetchit when he danced. And I'm not
saying that Vaughn (oh goodgawd I can't believe I know
his name) looks that way. I'm saying that it felt a
little weird to watch, for me. And it felt bad for them.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
saw it again the other night. All I could think about
was these guys. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
swear, lately I feel like no amount of writing or talking
makes a difference. The sexism thing came and went.
The men had the final word. It went something like..."don't
you dare call us sexist." And now this is
the way we talk about race in America. Aren't there
a </span></font><a href="http://www.lawyerscommittee.org/features/sett090402.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">few</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2002/09/09/national1144EDT0556.DTL"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">other</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.commondreams.org/views02/0902-05.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">things</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
to discuss?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
bet we can still have fun, make jokes, and be</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> sexy, irreverent and fun
with out having to be reductive. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(287)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_287"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Here we go round the prickly pear<BR>Prickly pear prickly pear<BR>Here we go
round the prickly pear<BR>At five o'clock in the morning<BR></span></font></I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Between the
idea<BR>And the reality<BR>Between the motion <BR>And the act<BR>Falls the
shadow<BR></span></font><I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For Thine is the kingdom</span></font></I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><BR>Between the conception<BR>And the
creation<BR>Between the emotion<BR>And the response<BR>Falls the
shadow<BR></span></font><I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Life is very long</span></font></I><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><BR>Between the desire<BR>And the
spasm<BR>Between the potency<BR>And the existence<BR>And the descent<BR>Falls
the Shadow<BR> </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> -
</span></font><a href="http://www.deathclock.com/thunder/framer.cfm?frame=http://www.couchgirls.com/htmldocs/The%20Hollow%20Man.htm"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> TS
Elliot</font></span></a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
11 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 10:12
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I'm
having a break down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yup.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's
making it hard to want to write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
guess if I was really having a break down I wouldn't
even try to write. Writing is the thing I do to fend
off the breakdown. To discredit the drone of alienation
in my heart. So I am writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">On
Sixty Minutes this week they did a bit focusing on women
and children who had lost fathers on September 11. Yesterday
Oprah did a show with a women who was badly burned and
is fighting to recover. Every day there are stories.
My eyes are burning from daily crying. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
I keep wondering what it does to your grief process
to have it become fuel for nationalism. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
am listening to </span></font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">KPFA</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
while I write. They are talking about the way </span></font><a href="http://www.fair.org/press-releases/911-anniversary.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">the
media</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
is talking about it all. No mention of the women and
children in Afghanistan who lost fathers. No mention
of the men and children who lost mothers. No mention
of the people who worked in the towers, undocumented
labour, people who are not counted and their families
who are not interviewed by Mike Wallace. No mention
of the things going on in the rest of the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
American narrative is like reading the diary of teenager.
We think the things that happen to us are bigger that
anything going on with any one else. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Clearly
we need to talk about what happened. But I want us to
talk about the things going on in the world. I want
us to think and feel deeply about it all. I want us
to ask our selves questions about our greed and consumption.
I think we have to cry. And I think we have to wake
up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
really did lose it yesterday. I feel helpless and hopeless
and ineffective. I don't feel smart enough or articulate
enough or fast enough. I don't feel strong enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
these are the feelings that I need to notice and then
push through. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Somehow.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.sfstation.com/city_events/ourgrief02.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Our
grief is not a cry for war</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
lived in New York for a while. I loved it. I worked
in a restaurant in the</font><a href="http://www.worldfinancialcenter.com/news/default.html#winter_garden"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
financial center</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I took a subway to the Trade Towers and walked across
a bridge to go to work. The last time I was there I
was hugging a boy. I loved him. He loved someone else.
A friend of ours walked up and said, "Hey, you
two look great together." We looked at each other
and laughed. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">What
else could we do?</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(288)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_288"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
12 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:22
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I
wrote this for a class last year. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="684">
<tr>
<td width="678"><p class=MsoBodyTextIndent align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I met my friend Dean when he was just a possibility
in his mother�s hopeful future. She introduced him by confiding her unplanned
pregnancy in a diner in Boulder, Colorado. Fourteen months later I, a </span></font><span
style="font-size:10pt; mso-bidi-language:HE"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">shiksa</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">, held a corner of the chupa at his
parents wedding. Three weeks ago I picked him up at the SF airport. When he
hugged me, my head barely grazed his collarbone.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoBodyTextIndent" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Dean
came to San Francisco to work with a friend of mine who is the pastry chef at
Greens. Learning to bake was his culminating project for high school. He worked
with her in the kitchen, brought me home samples of everything he made, and we
visited the gardens at the Green Gulch Zen Center. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Coming
here was a way for him to practice being out in the world, and, because he stayed
with me, his mother worried a little less. At least she worried less until the
terrorist attack on the World Trade Towers. She was too far away. All I could
do was communicate some sense of calm, despite my own emotional reactions.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
almost forgot about it all, during our visit to Green Gulch. The minute we
walked though the gate, into the gardens my shoulders seemed to drop. The first
gardens were flowers, long stalks with rows of star shaped, purple blooms,
chaotic rose bushes, and golden face Zinnias. A statue of Quan Yin smiled
benevolence. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Someone
had placed yellow daisy tops in a row across the path. And someone else had
stacked rocks on an old piece of timber. My mind reached toward meaning, even
as I knew anything I found would be interpretation. There were two rows of
Macintosh apple trees in the middle of all this, and Dean said, �The apples are
not yet ripe.� </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
wondered how he knew. I thought it was such a poetic way to speak. I was filled
with an awareness of his own maturation process. And then I saw the wooden
sign, nailed to a post, from which he had read, �The apples are not yet ripe.�
What I had taken as a moment of poetry and maturity had been a moment of
literacy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">We
continued to walk, past reassuring rows of lettuce, white-green Bibb,
stolid-green Frizee and red-green Oak Leaf. A group of children were gathered
up listening to a tour guide. She was telling them that some children from
Kosovo had sent the seeds of their native plants. They wanted the plants to
survive the social problems in their country, and had asked Green Gulch to
plant them, and hold them, until it was safe to send them back. They sent them
to America, where beautiful gardens are safe.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">We
walked past young men harvesting bunches of rainbow chard. The yellow, orange
and red root ends had been cut off in piles at the end of each row, creating a
choppy mosaic. They seemed too beautiful to wind up as mulch.</span></font><span
style="font-size:10pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
thought I understood the notion of cognitive dissonance. But all my former
examples paled in the middle of this garden. I watched Dean, taking pictures
with his throw away camera. I knew he was happy, just to be away from parents
and teachers. I knew he grew bored when I tried to talk about American foreign
policy, Afghanistan�s drought, and jingoism. At seventeen, this was his first
solo trip, this far away from home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Temporarily,
my mind stopped its reach for meaning. All the metaphors clenched in my jaw.
Yesterday, I watched him as he moved through the security gauntlet at the
airport, my throat tight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Later, his mother sent an e-mail to tell me that he
had arrived safely, but the clench, the tightness did not release.</span></font><span
style="font-size:10pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span><span
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remembered it all yesterday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Midway through the day I became
anxious. I couldn't focus on anything. I turned on the
</span></font><a href="http://www.sundancechannel.com/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Sundance
Channel</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
and there was </span></font><a href="http://www.themoviechicks.com/fest2001/mcrilltakeyouthere.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">a
movie </font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">that
seemed to have just begun. I was having trouble focussing
on it but somehow it sucked me in. It sucked me in because
it was about love. Falling in love. Being surprised
by love. It was pretty sweet and happy and hopeful.
When it was over I needed to get ready to go to school.
San Francisco was beautiful and sunny. I felt a kind
of peace. Class was OK. I came out into the thick swirling
fog and, again, it was beautiful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remembered that trip to </span></font><a href="http://www.sfzc.com/ggfindex.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Green Gulch</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">. And the peace.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
I can't stop feeling like there is work to do. I don't
know how to stop </span></font><a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_02/09.12B.multi.wars.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">this</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
I write letters. I voted. I stand in the street with
the people who are saying no. Why does it feel as if
it's going to happen no matter what? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">What
can I do?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
want to believe in love. I want to breathe in the peace. But the
clench, the tightness, will not release. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(290)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_290"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
13 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:22
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font><a href="http://www.wickedpersephone.org/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">April</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
has this </span></font><a href="http://www.wickedpersephone.org/biography/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">great
project</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
I'm doing it. My partner is </span></font><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/pixiepuff"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Lisa</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">. It's
always interesting getting to know people through text
and graphics. Lisa posted </span></font><a href="http://nietzsches-eyes.org/pixiepuff/girlfight.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
fight like a girl</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">.
I love that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
forgot to post about the </span></font><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Pattie
and Carl show</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font><a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/Episode%20Eighteen.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
was pretty great</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Carl interviewed </font><a href="http://worlddharma.com/poster.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Alan
Clements</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
who has a </font><a href="http://worlddharma.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">very
nice web site</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Suzanne
brought Lucca sandwiches over for lunch. It wasn't until
she was on her way that I remembered that it was her
birthday. DOH. Her computer is sick again so she can't
even read me smacking myself in the head. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
then </font><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Caroline</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
interviewed a woman from </font><a href="http://www.internationalanswer.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">International
A.N.S.W.E.R.</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
I'll be in the streets tomorrow. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
had all this fussy, at the desk stuff that I needed
to do all day. But it was good to be distracted. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(291)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_291"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
14 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:05
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Here's
the truth. I spent the whole day playing. Yeah. It started with
me thinking about a design for a Buddhist temple. And then ... I
dunno. The day went by. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
are two things that hook me into this game. I really love designing
the houses. There are houses that you can download but I love figuring
out where to put stuff,picking wall paper, floors, making gardens.
It scares me how much I like it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
I tell myself stories while I'm playing. I've been trying to get
one of my monks married. He courted one women, unsuccessfully. So,
he went after another. He asked her to marry him at a party. Drew
Carry was there. I guess his preoccupation with Drew pissed her
off because she said no. So, he took her out for dinner and dancing
and asked her again. This time she said yes. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="436">
<tr>
<td width="235">
<p><img src="monkwed.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p><img src="monkwed2.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p><img src="monkwed3.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="235">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="235">
<p><img src="monkwed4.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p><img src="monkwed5.jpg" width="207" height="156" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="191">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> If
only love were this simple. </font></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
is one thing that I find odd. You used to be able to have same sex
weddings in The Sims. Now, if the couple is same sex you only get
the option to ask them to move in. Whadda ya think that's about? </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(292)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_292"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p> <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
15 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:47
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
did a focus group yesterday. I was paid 65 bucks to
talk for two hours about what I wanted in a political
leader and who I might vote for in terms of state representative.
Geez. If I could get that kinda work on a regular basis
my world would be ... uh ... weird. It was a little
bit depressing. The way they wanted us to determine
who we would vote for based on some pretty limited information.
Like we read a few things. Quickly. It was interesting.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Politics
in this country is rife with shuck n jive. Sigh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
seems that they were trying to determine who might win
for state senator when </font><a href="http://democrats.sen.ca.gov/senator/burton/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Burton</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
terms out. The stuff they showed us on </font><a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/mayor/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Willie</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
was all about how was a poor kid who worked his way
up and so much about race. Nothing about issues. I found
this hugely irritating and I was not alone. The stuff
they showed about </font><a href="http://democrats.assembly.ca.gov/members/a13/default.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Carol
Migden</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
was packed with issues and accomplishments. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
there was a guy named </font><a href="http://democrats.assembly.ca.gov/members/a06/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Joe
Nation</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I kid you not. There was a forth, a woman. I don't remember
her name. Not a good sign. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
whole thing gave me the spins. The way race, sexual
preference, appearance and, really, the name of candidates
played into our conversation. Actually, the folks there
were interested in the issues. But the guy conducting
the poll had to find out if the spin was working on
us. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
was not working on me. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(293)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_293"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
16 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 2:49
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
2:00 in the morning. Apparently I have new neighbors.
The sound of shoes going up and down the wooden steps
all night woke me. I'm thinking they might have been
moving in. Not sure why they had to do it now. I woke
up having a bad dream. I've given up on sleep for the
moment. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
seemed like an opportune time to read around the blog.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Here's
the thing. I spend a lot of time reading and writing
these days. I am driven by a love of the ways in which
humans give voice to their life. I am trying to give
voice to my own life. I'm doing this because it seems
to break down the walls of isolation that I have built
in a response to pain. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Coz
ya know there has been some pain. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
now, since I must live with this pain, I am trying to
find a way to understand it, put it in context, talk
through it, write through it. I don't imagine that the
pain will go away. But I don't want to let it stop me.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
sometimes it does. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
been told I'm good with words. Sometimes I think
I am. Sometimes I'm not so sure. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
I'm trying to be. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(294)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_294"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
17 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 11:26
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
had that wired and tired feeling all day yesterday. Went to therapy.
Came home. Couldn't sleep till about 1:30. And that meant that I
slept until after 8:00. None of this is a big deal. I have no where
that I need to be until class at 6:00. I have enough time to do
the work I need to do before school. But I feel like I'm late. Kooky.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">My
two in the morning post reads pretty spacey to me. And that's because
I wasn't talking directly about what I was feeling. I'd read a </font><a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_pagecount_archive.html#85453067"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">post
from Mike</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> in which
he talked about some of his family members objecting to him writing
in a public space about family issues. I wasn't direct for a few
reasons. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
never really felt part of the blog cluster. I read while they talk
to each other and link to each other and feel like a kid in the
corner of a school yard who isn't in on the joke. Perhaps I am just
projecting my fat kid experience onto the blogger template. The
people who I know read me are friends and some very lovely new people
have begun to pop up. I know that some of my friends don't have
the time or the interest in following the links to track a conversation.
I'm not sure how the new folks feel. The whole blogger world is
a pond with lots of rippling circles over lapping. Some of us spend
a portion of our day following the wispy threads of conversations
all over the WWW. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Mike
does read me. Leaves comments from time to time. Links to me. And
I'm crazy about Mike. I love his politics, his ire, his devotion
to his wife and family, his loquacious passionate outpouring
of perspective, reaction and consideration. I've said it before
and I'll say it again. Mike is cool. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">During
the </font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000664.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">blogger
babe controversy</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">,
and the is it OK for a woman to opt out of the </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2002_09_01.html#e000903"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">"you
think I'm beautiful don't you?"</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
part of identity controversy I got frustrated with Mike. And I didn't
write about it. In part because I worried about being misunderstood,
by Mike and others. People who don't read Mike regularly might not
get it if I start ranting about a particular thing that he said.
Much the way people reacted to a part of what Doc said, despite
the fact that they had no clue about who he is, or what he writes
about. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Do
I think Doc is sexist? Yes. And in the </font><a href="http://blogsisters.blogspot.com/2002_08_18_blogsisters_archive.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">two</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000664.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">places</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
I spoke out about it I was quick to say that I don't read Doc. There's
no big reason for that. Look at my blog role. I have places I need
to be. There's only so many hours in the day. Do I think Mike is
sexist? Yes. I think I am sexist. I think we grew up in and live
in a sexist culture. It takes work to understand that in our selves
and others. It's a hermeneutics thang. And it seemed to me that
when one woman said she thought something a man said was sexist
she got jumped on by men and women. She was scolded for not valuing
her allies. A swirl of refracted pros and cons hit the web and at
the end of the day what seemed to happen, in my opinion, was that
she was told not to criticize the little bit of sexism in the good
guys. And when another woman asked to not be included in the loopy
valuing of women's bodies we saw </font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000678.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">crazy
extreme images of women's bodies embedded in the response</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
of an generally lovely, respectful, generous man. The whole thing
left me feeling incomplete, raw, and a bit afraid to speak
up. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Oh
yeah...they don't read me anyway. What am I worried about? Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
Mike reads me. And I worried about not being able to say what I
was feeling about the way he was responding to the two controversies
in way that was clear. And, when all is said and done, I trust Mike.
I' ve watched him take shots at people at then think about what
he has said and make amends. I think he has a truth and reconciliation
soul and a brave heart. I know he's reading and thinking and
feeling. He gives me hope. So, at two o'clock in the morning, when
I read that he was being told to shut up I reacted. But I didn't
address it directly. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
spend much of my day trying to figure out how to say something well.
I need to be able to tell the truth. I need to be able articulate
emotional truth, which is the most difficult to articulate clearly
since it is not rational. I am most drawn to people who are making
the attempt to speak the truth of their lives. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
sometimes it doesn't go well. No matter how well you say something
someone gets hurt, or angry and they react. Sometimes they don't
want to understand. Sometimes they can't. Sometimes it gets messy.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
am thinking a lot about how directly I deal with people and my feelings.
Especially when it comes to what I write about here and what I'm
writing about in THE BOOK. My parents don't know about
my web page. I dread the day my Mom reads THE BOOK. I tell the story
of how I gave away my virginity for crying out loud. She's not gonna
love that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Almost
every time I back away from expressing my feelings about something
it's because I lack faith. I don't believe that the person wants
to, or is able to, hear what I am saying. I do it in my therapy
group. I do it in my classes. I do it with my family and my friends.
I pull back into the idea that I am alone in the world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">This
public writing of our lives is dangerous. We risk exposure of ourselves
and the people we love. But we do it in search of something. I'm
not even sure what. Truth? Clarity? Connection? Maybe we just need
to vent. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
is a sufi thing: To know, to dare, to will and to be silent. I know
that there are times when we need to hold a truth. Not speak out.
Sometimes I'm right when I think a person can't handle what I need
to say. Sometimes I need to keep a confidence. But I need to determine
when that is true and when I am losing faith. I need to push through
my own fear. I fall silent too often. And it is a fall. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Some
of our truth telling may drag our friends and families into the
open. And sometimes they may not be willing to go there. And sometimes
they're going to hate us for it. And sometimes they're going to
heal because of it. It's a risky business. But I want to hope that
when it comes to our lives and our need to give voice and our desire
to cast off shame, silence is not an option.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
sometimes...maybe I'm just talking to myself. Out loud. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(295)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_295"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Arial,Helvetica" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There are contradictory
reasons when I use "real" people in my work, and the contradictions comfort me.
Any literary practice should, I think, derive from contradictory sources and
motives... I name names to evoke the already-known, to make writing co-extend
with the world and history, and to examine the fiction of personality, as well
as the fiction of the word.... I propose self-community-story as a tonic for the
loss of human scale; by naming self-community-story I participate in their
disintegration, their progress from invisibility to something to be named and
manipulated�to be reintegrated later in a new context, in a third term that
history must provide. </span></FONT></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Arial,Helvetica" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> -
</span></FONT><a href="http://www.sfsu.edu/~newlit/narrativity/issue_two/quotes_Camille.html"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><FONT face="Arial,Helvetica" color="#9933FF">Robert
Gluck</FONT></span></a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
18 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 10:11
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
had two conversations, one with an aunt and one with
my Mom, about the meaning of hair. Conversations that
left me drop jawed. The first happened some time ago.
My aunt was saying that she didn't like the minister's
wife and I asked why. The woman was over 30 and wore
her hair long. Everyone knows that women over 30 shouldn't
wear their hair long. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Uh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">So
there was meaning making about her hair and her understanding
about what is appropriate. Er something. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
second conversation happened this Sunday while
my Mom and I were having a rather tense conversation
about the woman accusing the guys in Florida. Mom said
something about the guy having a beard. The beard was
proof that he was suspect. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
pissed me off and I've been stewing about it. I taped
</font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/809533.asp"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Donahue</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
last night and watched it when I got home from school.
Eunice Stone and all three of the young men, were on
the show, but both sides had lawyers with them
who did most of the talking. Neither side wanted
to talk directly to each other. The three medical students
were so gracious and kind. Ms. Stone kept talking about
the one with the beard. The one with the beard said
this and that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">My
sense is that this woman saw the beard and her imagination
ran away with her. Obviously it was about more than
the beard. The same beard on white guy might not have
clicked with her. Her lawyer kept saying that she
is not a racist. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Well.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
sad thing is that she said she would absolutely do it
again. She seems like a sincere woman. I think she had
a kind of hallucination and she believes what she think
she heard. And given that I think her action had a quality
of courage. But I wish she would do some self examination
and simply ask herself if she heard what she heard because
she saw three young Muslim men, one had a beard, and
her imagination ran away with her. I wish she would
apologize for the negative effects on the lives of these
young men. But she believes she is a patriot. And the
idiot leadership of my country encourages people like
her to feel proud of themselves. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">White
people in this country just don't get how their sense
of being the norm pollutes their relationships, their
politics, their spirituality. My mother thinks when
people are participating in American society they should
be clean shaven. She talked about her doctor who is
from India, who she adores, and the doctor who
did the surgery on my foot, who she remembers was one
of ... them. But a nice one of ... them. Neither have
beards. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
so discouraging. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
figure that, now that I'm 49, I'll start letting my
hair grow and never cut it again. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(296)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_296"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e1" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e1"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
19 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:05
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Last
night, in class, we talked about journals. We talked
about what makes a journal a journal. It's a question
those of us who keep them on line ask every day.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">What
I can say for sure is that it's my world. Everyday I
do what I want. Some days I write about the tofu burgers,
smashed potatoes and green beans I had for lunch, the
laundry that I did, the dust on my dresser. Some days
I wax poetic, polemic, pathetic. It's my world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
tell some of the truth. I push the edges of what I'm
willing to reveal. It's a process. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Yesterday
I had a few moments of pure awareness. Or they felt
pure. I wish they happened while I was standing
on the beach. But, in fact, one of them happened sitting
on the toilet. The sun was coming in my window filling
the little room with brightness, warming the skin on
my thigh. The light and the sensation brought me into
some kind of temporal awareness. My internal chat stopped.
I felt myself in a moment. The sensations did not have
any where to go. I just was. Sitting there. Looking.
Feeling. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
second time happened in class. I was feeling the tension
of what I want and need and am not getting and what
I know and don't know. I felt it pushing at me and I
just let go. I just stopped. I sat back. I was listening.
And watching. But mostly I was just there. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Shit.
I wish I could just summon that up at will. Like when
I'm listening to the president select massacre the English
language. Or when I really really really really wish
I was in the arms of someone I want. And they want me.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
guess the thing I'm most interested in is finding ways
to talk about it all. To come from where I'm at in any
given moment. To speak my rage and my grief and my joy.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
been on a theme lately. It's always in the background
of my thinking. How can I be whole? How can I talk about
the places I feel less than whole? Does it matter? Is
any body listening? Why do I care? What do I want? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">OK.
Maybe more than one theme. Like I said. It's my world.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
yes. I think long hair on women is read as being sexually
available, or willing, or able. And beards are cool.
And Tyne Daley is who I want to be when I grow up. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Pattie
and Carl </font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">show today. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(297)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_297"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<div align="left">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span><a id="e2" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e2"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
20 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:00
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
haven't been talking about </font><a href="http://www.fatso.com/man1.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">the
revolution</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
lately. I'm just too preoccupied. But I was reading
</font><a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_kbrigan_archive.html#81769635"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">a
post of Kell's</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
about an encounter in a restroom. I could feel it. The
tension that hits your body when a person talks about
being on a diet. I really don't care what people do
with their bodies. And people have a right to discuss
what they will. But there is this tension. Because,
if you're fat, the assumption that you must hate
your body hangs in the air, the assumption that you
must be looking for a way to diet. So, when you aren't
in that box the diet talk becomes a kind of hate speech.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
like this. If you don't know me don't assume I wish
I was thin. Don't assume I have a health problem. Assume
that you need to know me a little bit before you can
talk to me about my body. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
is some good news. </font><a href="http://www.abcnews.go.com/wire/Business/ap20020917_899.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
FTC is going after diet advertising</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
(Thanks to </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Paul</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
for the link) There is not a one size fits all way to
be in a body. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
other day I heard a woman on the radio open a discussion
about racism by saying something like, hey there's a
war to deal with, how can we stop to talk about racism.
She's white. No surprise there. And she's a nice liberal
woman. I heard the distraction in her voice, the need
to do something about the rogue behavior of our government
that obliterates all other thought. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
there are other things that require thought. I've
been frustrated about fat politics. There's no coalition.
There is good work being done but it feels fragmented
and difficult to keep track of. I think it's another
place where I've given up a little bit. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Caroline</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
says a cool thing. </font></span><FONT face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><STRONG><span style="font-size:10pt;">"The situation is so dire, we
can't afford the luxury of realism" </span></STRONG></FONT><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">What
I take from that is the importance of holding onto a
hope for possibility. It looks bad. But there might
be solutions that we have yet to imagine. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
was hot here yesterday. I did laundry, walked to a book
store to buy a gift, delt with stuff, read stuff, ate
stuff. Mused. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(298)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_298"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </font></span><a id="e3" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e3"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
21 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 10:05
<font size="1">AM</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
went to bed at 9:00 last night because it felt like
I was tired. I sure wasn't doing anything. But 45 minutes
later it seemed clear that I wasn't going to sleep.
So I got out of bed and turned on </font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Now
with Bill Moyers.</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
I'm glad I did. </font><a href="http://website.lineone.net/~jon.simmons/roy/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Arundhati
Roy</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> was
on. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Mark
Wood</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">s,
who is one of my favorite bloggers, has lost computer
access. </font><a href="http://www.theobviousblog.net/blog/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Euan</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
has set up a</font><a href="https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
paypal account</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
to try and buy him a computer. So, if you feel like
a random act of kindness might make your day feel better,
get on over there. If you read Mark you might want to
throw some change in the hat to avoid the pain of not
being able to read him. And maybe if there's enough
cash we buy </font><a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Golby</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
a new keyboard. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">You
gotta read the comments in yesterdays post to get this
next bit. I've had a variety of conversations with people
who say diet things to me, or around me. One occurred
in a class on culture. We all had to do little presentations
on the culture of our choice. I decided to talk about
fat culture. The week before my presentation there was
a class conversation about pop culture in which someone
mentioned Jay Leno. The teacher said,"Jay Leno,
he's gained weight hasn't he?" And there
was this unspoken thing that went around the room. So,
the following week, I opened my presentation by
asking them to spend a minute thinking about what that
unspoken thing was about. And then I asked them what
it meant about me, since I was in the room. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">A
similar thing happened in my new therapy group. On the
first night one person said to another, "You look
great, have you lost weight? The next week I talked
about how hearing that made me feel. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">These
unconscious, projected assumptions about losing weight,
or gaining weight being better, or worse, hit my body.
If I'm caught off guard I usually just suffer the event.
But I try to question the assumption. I try to ask the
question -- why is being thinner better? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
it's too shocking sometimes. You hear the words coming
out of the persons mouth and the anger, frustration
and fear kick up in your blood and your throat gets
tight. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
for most of us fat grrrls there's already a habit of
trying to avoid making someone feel bad. I mean some
of us are still feeling like we're lucky if anyone will
play with us after school, or be seen with us at the
mall, or dance with us at the prom. Now we have to talk
to those ... friends ... and risk making them uncomfortable
by asking them to question their assumptions about weight.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
watched people, in my class, in my therapy group, get
very squirmy in my presence when they say something
about fatness. They're uncomfortable. They should be.
The things they say are unexamined. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Here's
the thing. It's too fucking scary to challenge people
when you feel shocked by their assumption that it's
OK for them to judge your body. The only time you can
do it is when you have some reserve. In other words
when you've done the inner work to ground your own acceptance
and love for your body and when you have the support
of like minded people. When you're strong you can turn
to the person and ask them,"Why do assume that
thinness is preferred?" </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Am
I strong? About 1% of the time. The other 99% of the
time I'm braced, tense, ready for battle. I am over
sensitive. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">WAY
oversensitive. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
I'm trying to get more sensitive.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
other day I heard </font><a href="http://www.untraining.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">these
folks</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
on the radio talking about the work that they do to
unseat white privilege. I remembered the night I went
to </font><a href="http://www.stirfryseminars.com/pages/wo_men.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">the
movie about racism and feminism</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
and couldn't find a seat with no arms in which to sit.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'm
committed to having the difficult conversations about
race and feminism and homophobia and antisemitism and
all the boxes we put each other into. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
if you really want a community with a full range of
diversity, sooner or later you're gonna have to make
room for my fat ass. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(299)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_299"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e4" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e4"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
21 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> (second
post--I'm all wound up) 10:52
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1998/07/08/60minutes/main13502.shtml"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/"><b><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">You're
welcome Dorothea</font></b></a><b><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></b><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Thank
you.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Yeah.
The pain. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'd
like to say that men just don't get it. They don't get
the way it feels when they make light of, make fun of,
make wrong the things women try to tell them about.
What it's like to feel as if your body gets yanked away
from you and used as a toy, or an icon. I don't think
they do understand.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
they do understand pain. They have their own version
of the boys are blue, girls are pink bullshit. They
swallow back tears, repress tenderness, shit...I don't
know what they do. I need them to tell me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
do know that they have power. Power that they do not
completely understand and that are not always careful
about. And I know that all these generalizations are
tired, old and not useful. But somehow they still have
play in our lives.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'm
scarred, size 5X, 49, makeup less, shaped in ways that
I am told (daily) are NOT OK, I got a bunch o hair,
and I dress ... well...I think I dress kinda cool. I
do think of myself as sexy. But I also think that what
makes me sexy is not contained in any of those adjectives.
I think what makes me sexy is my life. And I am sexual.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Let
me say that again. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
am sexual. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'm
not your mama, best friend, confidant, pimp, or dominatrix.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
have been times in my life when I was afraid to claim
that language, that identity. Sexy, what you see. Sexual,
what I feel. And I still have some fear. But I have
very clear, strong and defiant reasons for reclaiming
it all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
know women who just don't want to deal with it any more.
And they have that right. Because it makes ya tired.
It's like what </font><a href="http://www.surreally.net/fullbleed/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dru</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
said in my comments the other day, regarding confronting
size stuff. "Sometimes mama just wants to stare."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">There
is a part of me that wants to say that t</font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2002_08_25.html#e000897"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">he
young men who felt like they had a right to comment
loudly on and reach for Dorothea's breasts</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
may have just been </font><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000678.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">at
the barber shop</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
And there is a part of me that feels like the minute
I say it I will hear the tongues hitting the backs of
teeth, and see the eyes roll. But I gotta tell ya, that
whole boys will be boys thing is lost on me.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
Dorothea was asking for help. We are all asking
for help. We can not do this alone. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(300)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_300"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:9pt;">your revolution will not be you flexing your little sex and status to express
what you feel; your revolution will not happen between these thighs will not
happen between these thighs will not be you shaking and me faking between these
thighs because the real revolution, when it finally comes, is gon' be real --
</span></font><a href="http://www.yourrevolutionisbanned.com/transcript.html"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Sara
Jones</font></span></a></P> <p><a id="e5" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e5"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">September</span></font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
22 2002 8:34
AM</span></font><font color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Was
it </font><a href="http://www.earthcalendar.net/2002/092102.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">the
moon</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Today
is the first day of banned book week.</font></span></p>
<div align="left">
<table style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="104">
<tr>
<td width="98">
<p><a href="http://www.ala.org/bbooks/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><img src="2002bannedbooksweek.gif" width="100" height="140" border="0"></span></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> Let's
all read something dangerous.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
</font><a href="http://www.fatso.com"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Marilyn
Wann's</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
birthday today. </font><a href="mailto:[email protected]"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Send
</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">her a
happy thought, if ya wanna. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(301)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_301"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e6" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e6"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
23 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:11
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
sorta forgot about peanut butter. I just don't keep
it around. But yesterday, after swimming, Deb &
I went to t</font><a href="http://www.berkeleybowl.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">he
palace of beautiful food</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I got some freshly ground organic peanut butter. I put
it in some celery sticks for dinner. So, fifties. And
I had a little salad with watercress, chicken, yellow
beets and cucumber. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I've
decided I want to drink wine on Sunday nights.
But, I've decided that before and not done it. Last
night I had a glass of Zin. I was feelin all mellow.
Basking in the good vibes from </font><a href="http://www.surreally.net/fullbleed/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dru</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
and </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dorothea</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Muscles all worked from doing laps in the pool. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Something
about the peanut butter in celery sticks kept making
me giggle. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I had
a pack o reading to do for school. Which was good because
it kept me away from the television. The </font><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/01/17/60minutes/main324751.shtml"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">little
bit of 60 Minutes</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
that I watched put a serious cramp on my little bit
of peace. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">We're
reading some </font><a href="http://kunmr2.chem.ukans.edu/~dave/levi.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Primo
Levi</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Something Jean Amery said about Primo Levi makes the
60 minutes piece more acute. He said,"People who
have been tortured remain tortured." Reading Levi
is like listening to someone work very hard to understand
what can not be understood. I can not understand the
reasoning of the torturer. I read </font><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">El
Angel's Last Conquest</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">,
a book written from the perspective of the torturer,
a few years ago. It's out of print and difficult
to find. It's chilling. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">This
is an odd post. It is true that I had a pretty nice
day yesterday. And it is all so true that I spent the
evening reading about Auschwitz and worrying that in
my country there are people who condone the idea of
torture. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
all shadows and light. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(302)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_302"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e7" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e7"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
24 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:42
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://www.surreally.net/fullbleed/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dru</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Good gawd. Dru just makes me smile. Big smile. The kind
that makes your cheek muscles feel like they're workin.
She picked up on the sexy thing and wrote </font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/archives/000743.html#000743"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">this
great response</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Brightly colored poisonous bug. So cool. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
was trying to explain my darkness and depression to
my therapy group last night. You wouldn't think I was
a depressed person if you met me on a bus. Or, most
days you wouldn't. But, depression is something
I've fought all my life. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Actually
I haven't fought it. I've spent hours sitting in bars,
or at home, with a pack of Dunhill Blues and a
glass of Makers Mark listening to Billie Holiday. I've
sat deeply into my sense of futility and loss. Mushed
around in it. Dared anyone to get near me. I feel petulant
and misunderstood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
I have this desire to understand things. Deeply. So
I'm always pushing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
no matter how dark I get there are things that pull
me back. I remember one morning when I was really
just feeling so not happy to be alive and I was reading
around the blogs, clicking fast, barely paying attention.
I got to </font><a href="http://www.henrysdiary.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Henry's
Diary</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
There was a </font><a href="http://www.henrysdiary.com/archives/000128.shtml"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">post
about gum</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
It made me laugh. I went off line and went about the
business of the day. But I kept thinking about Henry
and the gum. And laughing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">So
I can move out of the pit. With a little help from my
friends. But I'm not too good at moving out of
the pit with other people in the room. I tend to isolate
when I'm down. Partly because I don't think anyone should
have to deal with my shit. And partly because I'm so
arrogant I don't think anyone can deal with my shit.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'm
not sure how it went last night. I think people who
are in therapy need to believe that things can get better.
It's hard when you tell then that there are times when
you don't want to believe that, can't belive that, won't
believe that. I think I have learned some things form
hanging out in all that mess. And I really do belive
that, if you aren't a little bit depressed, you aren't
paying attention. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
mean there is some shit going on in the world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
I go to therapy. Take my herbs. Go to school. Try to
take care of my self. Write my little page. And read
around the blog. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(303)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_303"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e8" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e8"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
24 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> (second
post) 9:42
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Ohmygawd. I have perma links.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><b>THANK
YOU </b></font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/"><b><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">DOROTHEA</font></b></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><b>!</b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">If
you were reading me last summer you read a lot of me
whining about my failure with perma links. Dorothea,
very kindly, just sent me e-mail and badda bing
badda boom. They work. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">All
my respect and gratitude go to ya, Dorothea. Thank you
so much. It's looking very mofessional around here.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(304)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_304"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e9" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e9"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
25 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:42
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
I can't wait to find out if </font><a href="http://www2.warnerbros.com/friendstv/index.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Rachel marries Joey</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">You
believe me don't you?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
shouldn't act too uppity. I do have my addictions to
</font><a href="http://www.thesims.com"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">nonsense</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
But sometimes the language used to talk about stuff
on TV is chilling. It's a new fall season of things
to zone out on and pretend that life is good. I do want
to see </font><a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">The
West Wing</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I'll be in class, so I'll have to tape it. And it is
true I watch it and pretend that it's the real White
House. Not that that works for very long. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">San
Francisco is a kooky town. For oh so many reasons. But,
for two days in a row I've left my apartment in North
Beach, where a thin cotton shirt was fine, and in the
course of two bus rides I'm in a fog belt, shivering.
I've lived here long enough to know to carry a sweater
around but it still amazes me that it can be so extreme.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Yesterday
I was thinking about the rhythm of blog conversations.
I do most of my reading in the morning. I post then.
Sometimes at noon I'll check in. And on days when I
am really not focusing and working on things I need
to be doing I jump around my blog roll more than
a few times. Searching. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
the call and response thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Did
you read me? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Did
you mean me when you said that?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Are
you mad at me?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
catch myself in the middle of it all and marvel at my
own need and narcissism. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
have a sense for when most of the people I read post. But sometimes
I get to a blog and there's a raging conversation happening. And
jumping in seems like trying to keep something going that needs
to die. It's difficult to assess. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
then there are conversation that I've tried to start that have fallen
flat. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
now. DADADADA I have perma links. And </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2002_09_22.html#e000948"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dorothea</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
is going to hand hold while I drink the MT Koolade. Which might
mean that I post more than once a day. We'll see. I'm feeling pretty
lucky to have Dorothea's help. I admire her literacy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
love language. It turned out that my perma links needed a fragment
identifier. Which, I think, could be said about my writing in general.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(305)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_305"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e10" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e10"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
26 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 8:58
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
Since Pattie asked: perma links are the thing you see
at the bottom of a blog entry, (although mine are at the top) usually
a date(mine is September). When you want to cite a particular post
you click on it and the URL changes and adds an anchor. You can
use that URL to link directly to a specific post. I was successful
at getting my perma link to go to my September page but I could
never get it to go to the specific post. </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2002_09_22.html#e000948"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dorothea</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
told me about the missing tag. And if you click on her name you
will go directly to how and what I mean by that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Perma
links are helpful when bloggers want to talk to each other via their
blog. But I know (because they tell me) that some of the friends
who read me don't always follow the links. Which is kind of a shame,
but I know it takes time. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Here's
a </font><a href="http://www.redpantiesforreproductivechoice.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">link</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
you need to follow. Red panties for reproductive choice. I always
wished I was a red diaper baby. Of course the red underwear linked
to on that page that fits me is a thong. And I'm with </font><a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_kbrigan_archive.html#81846916"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Kell</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
on the thong underwear. (That being another example of the use of
perma links.) Kell also added to the conversation on sexy, </font><a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_kbrigan_archive.html#81846916"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">here</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Articulate and complex as always. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I'm
still musing on the problems of appearance. Back in the conversations
about fat grrrl who make their own porn, which I can't link to because
I didn't have perma links then, (see how cool perma links can
be? Thank you again Dorothea!) I wrote about understanding why the
fat grrrls want to have a day on the stage of thong wearing loopy
sexual representation. There is a defiant thing about going on there.
But I do feel tired of the game. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
picked the current photo from my youth, in part, because of all
the babe stuff. I was trying to be sardonic. Er...sumthin. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">These
days I want a sexy that feels like mutuality. Some kind of full
bodied, heart and mind recognition. Some kind of acknowledgement
that sex is about so much more than how much of your tits and ass
are in view. And I am not even talking about love here. Love is
whole nother thang. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Pattie
and Carl</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> show today.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">And
by the way, it's not that I never watch Friends, but if I am watching
it's usually in lieu of going out into the streets looking for a
near lethal dose of heroin. It's not that Friends numbs the pain,
but the pain becomes so acute while I watch that I can no longer
feel it. A dull numbness sets in. Sometimes I need that. Although
I'm pretty sure it's not a good sign.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(306)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_306"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e11" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e11"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
27 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:47
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Here's a confession. The </font><a href="http://www.thesims.com/us/index.html?frame_src_content=/us/about/unleashed/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">new
expansion</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
pack came out. The Sims have pets and vegetable gardens.
My copy came on Tuesday but I had school. So, yesterday
I played all day. It's pretty fun. It always amazes
me how involved I can get in the little stories I'm
telling myself.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
I have a paper due on Tuesday. I'm taking my writing
out of the </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Conversation_on_the_Difficult_World.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Difficult
World piece</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">,
save for the last bit of the Rich at the end, and
making it into a new piece. I liked it when I wrote
it but it's fun to work on it. (Oh shit. That was an
odd sentence.)</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">As
a result of all this sublime and ridiculous stuff I
didn't read around much yesterday. Good gawd. Miss one day
on the blogs and I feel like I was gone for a month.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Dru
</font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/newarchives/000007.php#000007"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">continues</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
to blow my mind. And the comments to her post are amazing.
I, like Dru, think that we live in sexist, racist, (oh
the list is long) world and we need to pay attention
to the ways all that stuff works it's way into our thinking.
And all those isms are shape shifters. As we tour around
the planet we see how many ways humans can create to
hate one another. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">One
of the comments on her post mentioned Dru's abuse as
a possible reason for her "extreme ism beliefs."
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Uh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Well
I don't want to launch any missiles, the person says
they care about Dru and I believe them. I do want
to say that Dru's abuse history may have something to
do with how she views the world. My abuse history certainly
has some play in mine. But I don't think her views
are extreme or her anger is pathological. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It's
interesting to me that I've seen male bloggers praised
for their passion when they express rage. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
do think that the comment was coming from a desire to
see Dru at peace. Happy. Content. And I understand that.
I have friends who I know tire of my wrath. They worry
about how much I listen to the news. They tell me to
take breaks. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
took one yesterday. It was nice. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Today
I need to catch up. On work for school and I need
to work on the </font><a href="http://www.wickedpersephone.org/biography/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">biography
project</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I'm distracted by it all and can't find the focus to
write here. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">But
I just want to tell Dru to rage on. keep feeling and
thinking and putting it all out there. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(307)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_307"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span><a id="e12" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e12"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
28 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:52
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I rarely go out on Friday night. When I lived in New York we
called it bridge and tunnel night. But Abeer was performing in </span></font><a href="http://www.kearnystreet.org/apature.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">this</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> and I
wanted to see her. So, Deb and I made plans for dinner and then the show. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I�m pretty hyper about getting to places early. I can�t
always be confident that I will find a place to sit. You know, chair big enough
for my ass. It�s an emotional moment for me. I enter a space, look around, are
there chairs with no arms? Is there room between them? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Last night we went to dinner and, for a variety of reasons,
things took a long time. It was 7:30 and we needed to get to theater, which
wasn�t far, but we weren�t going to be there as early as I like to be. I was
very tense. We were walking toward the car when I noticed a young man in a
truck. I looked at him. He said, �I would seriously consider salads.� </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Of all the things that have been shouted at me from cars
this was nowhere near the most hateful. But something in me snapped. I could
feel the blood rising, filling my throat, my ears, my eyes. I started walking
toward the truck saying, �I would seriously consider getting some education
because you don�t know me.� I could feel myself reaching for him. The light
changed and the truck drove off. I was filled with adrenaline and rage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I wanted to go home right then. But we went to the theater.
There were folding chairs. Not a fat girls friend. Worse, they were tied
together with plastic bands. We wanted to sit in the back so we could leave
right after Abeer. The folding chair at the end of the aisle in the back row
was a different type and smaller than the rest. I wasn�t thinking too clearly.
I perched on it. My feet pushed against the concrete floor, my thigh muscles
tensed, my knees locked, all in an effort to support myself in the chair. It
was painful. The </span></font><a href="http://dhaiatribe.org/dhaiatribe/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">first group</font></span></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> might have been pretty cool. I can�t tell you.
There was still blood pulsing in my throat, ears and eyes. I couldn't hear them.
My feet, knees and
thighs were burning from the effort to hold myself up on the chair. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">When people talk about oppression I like to listen. I don�t
think I need to bring up my issues in those moments. It�s not a competition.
But every time someone said something about diversity last night I wanted to
scream. Finally there was a break. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cynthia came in. I muttered
something about being uncomfortable. Cynthia is a no-nonsense, take care of
business person. She found me a chair, a plastic chair but it was bigger and
sturdier. I thanked her but there was no space in which I wouldn�t be blocking
an aisle. Not to be deterred, Cynthia went and got a young man who cut the
plastic thing holding the chairs together and we put the orange one in place. I
was grateful. I was exhausted. There was a poet and then Abeer came on. Her
piece was lovely and powerful. When it was over we left. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Sometimes when I write about things like this I know
that there will be folks who get it. Other fat grrrls who have their own
stories. And I know there will be people who don�t get it. People like that
guy. If only I would eat salad.</font></span>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> Why didn�t I think of that? </font><span style="font-size:10pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> </span></font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(308)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_308"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p> <a id="e13" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e13"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
29 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:52
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Hmmmm.
I wonder if I'm a war blogger now. I've assembled quite the
grrrl gang ready to smack down frat boys who say shitty things to
fat grrrls. And I got a </span></font><a href="http://surreally.net/fullbleed/newarchives/000017.php#000017"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">marriage
proposal</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Yesterday
I was meeting with some </font><a href="http://www.beyondbias.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">fat</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font><a href="http://fatso.com"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">grrls</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
trying to talk about the </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SW.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Southwest
thing</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. Which seems
to be drifting into the background. If you have any thoughts, feelings
or stories please </font><a href="mailto:[email protected] "><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">send
them in</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Other
wise I was still in a funk. Didn't do much. Watched the </font><a href="http://sept.globalizethis.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">anti
globalization rally</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
in DC on </font><a href="http://www.c-span.org/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">CSPAN</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
I did get a call from </font><a href="http://www.sayersongs.com/"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Tom</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.
Which was fun and did perk me up a bit. Tried to talk him into doing
a blog. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">On
Friday </font><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Caroline
Casey</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> was on </font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/BUCHANANPRESS_Front.asp"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Buchanan
and Press</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">. Imagine
my surprise. Bill Press was asking what the protesters were protesting
about. To him they seemed to be all over the place. Globalization.
Aids. No war in Iraq. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Hmmm.
What could all those things have in common. </font><a href="http://www.webactive.com/pacifica/demnow/dn20020927.html"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">I
wonder</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/CongressCalls.htm"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Democracy
Now reports</font></a><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"> that the
congress has been overwhelmed with anti war calls. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:10pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">It
could all make a person feel almost hopeful about peace. But. I'm
gathering my grrrl gang ...just in case.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(309)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_309"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><a id="e12" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September02.htm#e12"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">September</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">
</font><a id="e12"><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF">30</font></a><font face="Arial" size="1" color="#9933FF"> 2002</font><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><font size="1"> 9:52
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#9933FF"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">My
dreams have been full of actors lately. I don't remember them but
last night featured James Belushi and Sissy Spacec. There was something
about vampires. It's hard to wake up from these dreams. It feels
like leaving in the middle of a movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
went swimming yesterday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">That's
all.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Between
that and waking up to my </span></font><a href="http://harrumph.com/rabbit/"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">Rabbit
Rabbit</font></span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF">
</font></span><font face="Arial" color="#9933FF"><span style="font-size:10pt;">reminder
e-mail, I'm feeling like I have more to do that I have time or inspiration
to do it. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(310)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_310"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font> </p>