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<p><font face="Boca Raton ICG">September</font></p>
<p>"-<i>the test of a first rate intelligence is the ability
to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and
still retain the ability to function." -
</i>F. Scott Fitzgerald</p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 1</span></p>
<p class=MsoBodyText><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'>I<span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> fooled around with the site yesterday. I don�t know
why. Partly because my back and knee were buggin and I needed to stay off them.
I did some reading for school. We read a F. Scott Fitzgerald piece, about a
depression he went through. We also read a James Agee piece, in which he spends
two pages describing the father�s in his childhood neighborhood, watering the
lawn. The Agee was so tender and sweet. I can actually relate to the Fitzgerald
personally, but I read it after the Agee. And it just sounded so whiney! I mean
that�s how I sound most of the time, internal, depressed, disenfranchised. <span style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"> <span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">Or at least when I get down. Imagine
remembering watering the lawn in great detail, the sound of the water pressure
changes, the arc of the water, the leaking water running down your forearm. You
have love life to be awake to such detail and to treasure it.</span></span></span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 2</span></h1>
<p class=MsoBodyText><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><span style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes">Michael
& John helped me do a garage sale yesterday. We
lasted for two hours, and I made seven dollars. I'm
really no good at garage sales. They were very sweet
and helpful, and they're gonna try it again in their
neighborhood in a few weeks. The traffic in my neighborhood
is mostly tourists. Suzanne and her <a href="http://www.windchimewalker.com/mitchells5.html" target="_blank">kids</a> stopped by,
which was great, and funny because we had already
quit. And then Tony, visiting from Vegas, showed up
with his friend, <a href="http://members.aol.com/steve4nlng/namegame/index.html#labels" target="_blank">Steve.</a> And we went to Mo's for a burger.
It was a very social day, for me. And I only got into
one extended political diatribe. (But Tony started it!)
I settled in to a quiet evening of reading Joan Didion's, <i>The
White Album, </i>which I've read many times, and each
time I am blown away by it. She manages to communicate
a breakdown without ever, really, totally acknowledging
that it's happening. And she demonstrates how the personal
and the political mooshed together in 1968. </span></span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 3</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">Tony
& <a href="http://members.aol.com/steve4nlng/namegame/index.html#labels" target="_blank">Steve</a>
came to <a href="http://www.glide.org/" target="_blank">Glide
</a>yesterday, and after church, they, Michael &
John, Deb & I went to <a href="http://www.themeetinghouse.com/home_flash.htm" target="_blank">The
Meeting House</a> for brunch. My knees and back were
aching, so, I came home and slathered my self with Arnica.
I finally found a <a href="http://www.photo.net/photodb/user?user_id=185677" target="_blank">Kobi</a>
photo that I could post on "<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/others.htm" target="_blank">the
others</a>", and link to his lovely photos. </span></span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">I
was half listening to <a href="http://www.pri.org/PublicSite/home.html" target="_blank">PRI</a>
yesterday, and there was a discussion with a scientist
in genetics about c loning and such. She was a lovely,
intelligent woman. At one point she talked about c loned
mice having a tendency to become fat. She made a joke
about that fact ending c loneing. Now, she wasn't garish,
or crude and the audience didn't guffaw. It was just
a group of " nice" folks, sharing a joke about
fatness. If she had made the same joke about height
it would have, at the least, sounded odd. At the most
it would have been offensive. And imagine I am
sitting in the audience. </span></span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">Imagine the people all around
me laughing about never wanting to pursue c loning if
it produces fat folks. Am I laughing? Should I be? Why?</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 4</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'>D<span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">ean
arrived yesterday. He begins his internship with Deb
today. He had to wake up at 6:00 which, for a seventeen
year old, is a drag. I usually wake up at 7:00 anyway
and I couldn't sleep last night. The full moon was interrogating
me with reflected light. It just comes right in my window!
And I do the best writing while I'm laying there, not
sleeping. Of course I forget it all by the time I get
to my keyboard. I held Dean when he was a baby, and
read him bed time stories when he was a little boy.
Seeing this, very tall, young man is quite a trip.
I'm happy he's here. We went to <a href="http://www.themenupage.com/Carta.html" target="_blank">Carta
</a>for dinner and then shopped for groceries. We took
a short walk to the <a href="http://www.fishermanswharf.org/" target="_blank">wharf</a>,
so that he could see where it is but my knee started
to give out. My knee is better, though. I put a
link to <a href="http://www.jazzarts.org/diamond.htm" target="_blank">Dean's
dad</a> on "the others". </span> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 5</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> I
love hanging out with people talking about stuff we've
read. That's what we did in class last night. I know,
it's serious business, we're there to consider craft
and form and other writerly notions. But it was just
so much fun! After a life time of pursuing rock and
roll coolness, I am becoming a total geek. It's almost
embarrassing to me to admit that I've read more than
what has been assigned. </span></span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">Dean
had good day juicing oranges and zesting lemons. He
seems pretty happy. It was great to have someone here
when I got home. And he brought home treats!</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 6</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
Often, when I'm in school, I think of what so many have
done, and do, to be educated. People meet in secret,
schools, hidden from states that would persecute them
if they were discovered. And we, who can be in c lean
comfortable class rooms, complain that the material
was too difficult. I recently read an interview with
Susie Orbach in which she spoke of woman in Eastern
Europe who owned ragged, mimeographed, much passed about,
copies of Fat is a Feminist issue. People are desperate
for intellectual stimulation. In America, anti-intellectualism
makes us dull witted and proud of it. I'm so desperate
for intellectual stimulation.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> And
how, can we not say that slavery is a crime against
humanity? In Durban, at the conference on racism they
are debating this. Language had such power.</span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 7</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">I'm still ranting about this Durban thing. This is the
market dictating truth. Reparations has never made so
much sense to me. I have supported the idea with out
believing it would ever happen and with out really thinking
about why I believed it. But, something about this debate
on slavery, as well as the problems with admitting that
things between the Israeli and the Palestinian people
is racist, has centered these issues in terms of Capitalism,
for me. If there were no cost to industry the
conference would be a talk fest. But, there is money
to be made. Oil concerns to be protected. And, back
to reparations, even a token amount of cash would change
the shape of things. So, if we say out loud -- slavery
was/is a crime against humanity -- someone would have
to pay something for that crime. Not just government
but industry. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> S</span><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">eptember 8</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
Dean and I spent the day at <a href="http://www.stinsonbeachonline.com/" target="_blank">Stinson
beach</a> yesterday. I forgot sunscreen and am lobster
red today. We took a ferry to Larkspur and Adrienne
picked us up and drove us to the beach. We took randoms
bits of food, chicken satay, grapes, gouda, bread. It
was great. It's good to spend a day staring at water.
</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">S</span><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">eptember 10</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
I read this panel on the front page of yesterdays paper
in which the document from Durban was summarized. I
don't know if the language was from the document but
one thing was the recognition of both Palestinian rights
and Israeli security concerns. That language says that
Palestinians are a threat to Israeli security. It's
a complex situation, the likes of which makes me want
to throw up my hands, but I notice the frame in which
Israelis are the dominant and accepted group and Palestinians
are the trouble makers. And I notice that Israeli forces
have big tanks and Palestinian forces have rocks. It
seems hopeless and it has seemed this way for years.
And I don't think it helps that a conference on racism
was so silenced, or muffled.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">S</span><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">eptember 12</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
I am having trouble writing about yesterday. It is too
vast. But I can say that the rush to find someone to
blame is a worry When people are this angry and this
sad it's easy to manipulate them. Already the drums
of nationalism are being beaten. I want to hope that
we can slow down and consider things, not just who might
have done this but why. Nothing can excuse what happened.
Certainly everything that can be done to insure that
it won't happen again should be done. But I hope we
can remain mindful. I spent the day listening to KPFA
and watching CNN. Mainstream media is so hopelessly
reductive in their analysis, so irresponsible with
their language. My heart is aching. I send everyone
my hopes for a true peace. </span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 14</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> </span>I<span style="font-size:11pt;">�ve been involved in all manner of conversation. I find
that I need to be involved in the ones, where I know my politics and worldview
will be well received. I need the comfort of agreement. But in the
conversations, where my views may not be well received, or are not shared, I
have learned about myself. I have learned about my own capacity for aggression,
and my need to be right. If the people who flew the planes into the Trade
Towers and the Pentagon were Islamic fundamentalists, they believed that they
were doing, what they were doing, for the love of their people and their God. I
need to belong to a community, a people, and I need to have a relationship with
God. But, I need both to be inclusive, not exclusive. I am trying to be quiet
and listen. And not rush to react. I am trying to own those parts of me that may
be part of the cycle of violence. I would chose to work for peace.</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 15</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> It
seems to be evident that our need for certainty, our
inability to relax when things are unknown, has caused
a frenzy of misinformation. Every day we read
about things, that were reported the day before, which
turn out to be not quite true. I am in an information
frenzy. I move from the TV, to the radio, to the Internet.
I check e-mail repetitively. I feel the need to know.
We have been cast into uncertainty. In fact, we always
live there, but now it is painfully obvious. I am struggling
with the notion of getting back to normal. Normal may
have been permanently altered. But we don't know how.
</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 17</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> Yesterday,
at <a href="http://www.glide.org/" target="_blank">Glide,</a>
a woman from the choir led the prayer. She often does.
When she was introduced we were reminded that she is
a Muslim. The entire congregation c lapped. It was a
long sustained clapping. She cried. We all cried. It
was an very powerful moment. The church was so full.
It was difficult because I am a bit nervous in crowds.</span></span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">But
yesterday I spent time in more than one crowd. I went
to an <a href="http://64.78.45.52/index_home.htm" target="_blank">event</a>
in Presida park put on by <a href="http://www.medeaforsenate.org/biography.html" target="_blank">Medea
Benjamin</a> and <a href="http://64.78.45.52/" target="_blank">Michael
Franti. </a>It was comforting to be with so many folks.
It's the most hopeful I've felt. </span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 18</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"> A
phrase I have been hearing and I am about to use is
... before all this happened we had planned to...
go to Chez Panisse. I wanted Dean to see how perfect
food, served in a warm environment can feed the soul.
Last night, while we ate our perfect meal, I noticed
how easy it can be to just forget. It's been a week.
Commercials are back on the television. The fall season
of new shows begins. Of course the news brings it back.
But life goes on, and we must involve ourselves. today
I listened to a Buddhist teacher speak about conscious
consumption. That's what I hoped we were doing last
night. It was perfect food. Prepared with great attention
to craft and quality. He also talked about all the toxic
things we consume from culture. I keep thinking that
people, who only get their info from the mainstream
media are being fed war. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 19</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
I haven't been writing many of my tales from life in
the fat lane, and there have been a few. It's not that
it seemed unimportant, but I 've been too distracted.
Last week on a bus, an elderly woman sat next to me.
It may be a trial to sit next to me. There isn't much
room. But she was a tiny woman. We were the perfect
seat-sharing team. She seemed a little dotty. She said
something about my fatness and said I needed to jog.
I smiled and said, no, I don't. And then, someone who
I have only recently met said I looked like I was loosing
weight, and that was great!!! I sighed. But, yesterday
I had a moment that really made me spin. I was sitting
near the cafeteria, waiting for a friend, and a young
middle eastern woman approached me. She was selling
Herbal Life. Herbal Life is a vitamin company with
a diet formula. I just said, thanks, but no thanks.
And then I thought about how much I try to speak for
diversity. And how the diverse-ness of my body is so
difficult for people to accept.</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 21</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
Deb, Dean and I went to <a href="http://www.sfzc.com/ggfindex.htm" target="_blank">Green
Gulch </a>yesterday. It was so peaceful and beautiful.
I thought, it is possible to be peaceful. We live
on a planet where it is possible for the great destruction
of 9/11, and the great beauty of the Green Gulch gardens
to exist simultaneously. And that seems to be the
trick. To contain the extemes and position in the middle.
</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 22</span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
There is one fact, the plane hitting the building.
As far as I know there is no image of the first plane,
but we have the one of the second. It has been
made, almost, pornographic in repetitive use by mainstream
news. But when we saw it first, it was a moment of pure
perception. A moment too large to contain. A moment
that silenced our easy narratives and left us stumbling.
I have felt this kind of perception before, at the birth
of my Goddaughter, on top of Haleakala, in a temple
in India. Moments that suspended my inner babble by
the nature of their overwhelming realness. But, they
were happy, peaceful moments. When the narrative returned,
it was a narrative of life. The plane hitting the building,
and now the rush of narrative, mine and many others.
And each contains a specific fact, a story of how the
individual life has been effected. </span></span></p>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">Lord,
make me an instrument of your peace.</span></span></p>
<h1><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;">September 26</span></h1>
<p><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;">
</span><span style="font-size:11pt;">Clear Channel
is a company that has 1,200 radio stations, 247 of them in the nation's 250 largest radio markets. They
dominate the Top 40 format and control 60% of all
rock-radio listening. The company has ordered its stations not to play a list of 150 songs.
The list includes "Bridge Over
Troubled Water," "Peace Train," and John Lennon's "Imagine." No songs by Rage Against <BR>the Machine will
be aired. It boggles the mind. Listening to Cat Stevens
is seditious. </span></span></p>
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