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<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="green"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>October
</b></span><span style="font-size:8pt;"><b> </b></span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;"><input type="checkbox" name="targetbox" id="tcheck"
onclick="targetLinks(this.checked);">
<label for="tcheck" style="cursor: hand;">
links open windows when you put a check in this box thanks to </span></font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">random walks</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">!
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">All my desires are born of my dreams. And I have proven my love with
words. To what fantastic creatures have I entrusted myself, in what
dolorous and ravishing world has my imagination enclosed me? I am sure
of having been loved in the most mysterious of domains, my own. The
language of my love does not belong to human language, my human body
does not touch the flesh of my love. My amorous imagination has always
been constant and high enough so that nothing could attempt to convince
me of error.
-
Paul �luard
(via <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/">A Glinting Web</a>)</span></font>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e868" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e868"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e868"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just have a few questions. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I the only one with out a <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/020485.html">squirrel</a>
<a href="http://lovesinsects.blogspot.com/2004_09_26_lovesinsects_archive.html#109622876046617294">story</a>?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
you think it's unseemly that
I have a mad crush on <a href="http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/2000/pj_int.asp">Eddie
Vedder</a>? I mean he's way
younger. I think he's married.
I don't really know him. It
is one of those star crushes.
Unseemly, I think. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
did get to be October? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Much
to my joy, I missed some of
the debate. <a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/">Kathryn</a>
was here and we were talking
and talking. When the debates
began we looked at each other
and it took like three seconds
before we decided to ignore
them and continue our conversation.
But soon after that we realized
that it was getting late and
she had miles to go to get home.
So she left and I took the TV
off mute. That was when I made
the desperate plea for sedation.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sonya
sent a link to <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4052162">this
interesting list</a> of why
these debates weren't a debate,
which I had seen linked by <a href="http://www.jessamyn.com/journal/">Jessamyn</a>
but hadn't jumped to till Sonya
pointed. When two women I admire
point to the same place I jump
to it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Much
is being made of how frustrated
Bush looked during the whole
thing. I think there was a moment
when I vented to Kathryn about
how I can't stand the petulant
frat boy eye roll way he looks
most of the time. Can not stand
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
knew <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Amy</a>
would make me listen to lots
of it this morning anyway. How
can Bush say the troops have
what they need when <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/society/natguard.html">the
troops</a> are sending frantic
letters home to ask for what
they need from their families?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kerry
did well. I guess. So they say.
I'm still tense. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1168)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1168"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e869" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e869"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e869"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I was having a conversation about soft suffering.
The suffering in which no one is beating you. You have
enough of what you need in terms of survival. But you
are suffering. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
the record, I'm not suffering all that much. In fact,
I have been feeling better in many ways. But as
I move through the days and weeks and months and try
to sort through what's happening and not happening in
my life I look all the way in and all the way out. I
look at the systems in which I live and I look at the
past from which I came. I am a sorting sifting machine.
Always trying to find perspective. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
for those of us that weren't and aren't in and weren't
in terrible live circumstances there's this added layer
of self recrimination. There must be something wrong
with me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Again.
For the record. I'm not exactly talking about me. But
I am. But I'm not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just this thing I'm thinking about lately. About the
nature of suffering and how it can stop you in your
tracks. Leave you moaning. Curled up. Somewhere between
numb and excruciating. The only thing you can do is
struggle to find perspective and try to keep moving.
But it can really slow you down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there are these moments. Of undiluted bliss. Just
as overwhelming. But infinitely more ... uh ... just
... infinitely more desirable. Ya know? A couple
of those kind of moments and you feel like you can change
the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend of mine wrote a good line in a song once. "Till
you learn to ride in the middle of the wheel. Where
you never get run over by the crazy things you feel."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I'm just thinking. About stuff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1169)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1169"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e871" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e871"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e871"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:09
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Where
have I been? Oh. I wish it weren't
true. But. As much as it embarrasses
me too say it. I've been in
a Sims coma. Why should it embarrass
me? Everyone knows I'm addicted.
I've made <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm">my
confession.</a> But. This
is worse. I got the <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">Sims
2.</a> I don't even want to
think about the fiscal irresponsibility.
I don't even want to think about
things I should be doing that
I haven't done. I don't even
want to think about looking
at the clock and seeing that
it was 4:00 A.M. and I
was still playing. I haven't
been awake at 4:00 since ...
oh. Gosh. I can't remember.
But that's when I went to sleep.
Although I wouldn't call it
sleep. My ears were ringing.
My eyes were strobeing. I sort
of toss and turn thinking about
things in the game. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
always trying to elevate the
reasons why I love this game.
There's lots of problem solving.
And I like problem solving.
This morning I was thinking
about using my mighty Sims problem
solving in my own life. But.
Ya know. That's the thing. In
my own life my problem solving
skills haven't been working
all that well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
sorta shaken my Sims addiction.
And then I got <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e810">back</a>
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e817">into</a>
it a <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e819">little</a>
bit. But not like this. This
is like the days (I should say
daze) (heh) when I first got
the game. My desire to understand
the game is overwhelming. I'm
completely round the bend. All
the cool (and many of the annoying)
things about the first game
are in this new version but
there is so much more. SO much
more! I mean, they grow up!
It's just amazing. And they
die. Which, I am embarrassed
to say, I found fascinating.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I play I am usually listening
to very intelligent things.
(Do I sound defensive?) (I am.)
I listened to <a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segid=4946&schedID=305">Angela
Davis</a> twice. She does teach
at the <a href="http://humwww.ucsc.edu/HistCon/HisCon.html">MA/Ph.D.
program </a> that tempts
me so. But really. A BA in humanities,
a MFA in writing and a
Ph.D in consciousness? Clearly
my academic career is not
about becoming employable. Still.
I do like the idea of taking
class with Angela. And I did
listen to the debate. It was
less repugnant than the first
one but not by much. I'm not
feeling <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/100704Y.shtml">the
big win</a> that I've heard
mentioned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did manage to pull away from
the computer last night. <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May2004.htm#e664">My
friend Val</a> was in town.
I haven't seen her for so long.
We went to <a href="http://www.eatdrinksf.com/daflora.htm">Da
Flora</a>. My favorite. Ate.
Talked. It was just too much
fun. I love evenings like that.
I had two coffees after
dinner which may have been why
I was awake at 4:00 AM. That
and the ...ya know... game. And
I was wound up from all the talk and catching up and
needing to catch up more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
noticed that I was full of apology
last night. Apology about all
kinds of little things. I'm
not completely sure why. I have
theories. And I really do have
a loopy feeling of getting away
with something. I mean. Jeez.
I'm playing a computer game.
Not looking for a job. Not writing.
Not reading blogs. (I'm really
sorry about that.) Not sending
query letters to agents. It
all feels wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
game. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to take a shower and clean
up and do ... almost anything.
Other than play that game. But
I hafta say. There's a family
I really want to play with.
Doesn't that sound so perverse?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1171)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1171"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Your nescience never fails to impress me," Abigail cooed whenever Mr.
Dumas offered yet another of his outrageously ill-informed opinions. He
would then grin at what he assumed was her admiration.
- <a href="http://michaelgates.blogspot.com/2004_10_01_michaelgates_archive.html#109694294362761916">Michael
Gates</a></span></font> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e872" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e872"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e872"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Yeah. I've been playing. Again.
All morning. What got me hooked was this new thing in
which they have aspirations. Some of them want to have
ten kids. I was wondering if it was possible. Four kids
later I've decided it might not be. Not unless some
of the kids are ignored. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did check in and read comments. Thank you for reminding
me that there are people. Real people. Many of whom
I love. And adore. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/">Siona's</a>
comment was in the back of my mind while I played. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="348">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Is your game distracting you from the soft suffering you mentioned
earlier? I only ask because it's a mixed blessing. I know I'm more
prone to careening down the rabbit hole of such minor addictions when
my life is hurting in other ways, and while sometimes the relief is
necessary, it's often all the more difficult to scramble back out. But
I hope . . . I don't know. I hope you're out enough in the world to
find some of that undiluted bliss. And I would love to get together
soon.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is true that I am soft suffering. I have food and shelter
and people who love me and a new computer game. Not
mention stacks of books. All of which wonder why I'm
ignoring them these <strike>days</strike> daze. It is
true that my game playing is, in part, about ignoring
the things I don't know how to fix in my own life. It's
also just fun. But there is a funny thing about the
way I play. I work so hard to make sure everything goes
well. I give myself hand cramps trying to make sure
every thing goes well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">With
this new game the kids grow up and become adults. When
they do they can move out. I've seen it twice. Once
was when a single mom's son moved out. She came running
after him and he never looked back. I thought it was
poignant. The second time was when there were aging
parents and the daughter moved out. They both ran after
her and I burst into tears. To understand this you hafta
know that my single mom and I lived with her parents.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
know. Ya try to have a little fun. And there your life
is. Waiting for ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
also this funny notion of addiction. Like eating for
comfort. Food is comforting. I was comforted by the
wonderful food at Da Flora the other night. So? I'm
still looking for the food that takes away my existential
despair. It's not been my experience that food makes
me less aware of the things troubling my heart. But
a good dinner can be comforting. And if any one wants
to tell that because I have a genetic proclivity for
being fat I should never eat for comfort they should
be ready to argue. For the record I don't think Siona
would say that. I'm just thinking about it because I
keep seeing these pop psychology shows in which people
confess that they use food for comfort. I always want
to say two things. If eating a cookie makes you feel
better, eat a cookie. Just don't image that twenty cookies
will make the pain go away. Ultimately you have to do
the inner work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dammit.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://michaelgates.blogspot.com/">Michael</a>
and <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Maria</a> wondered
if I could blog from the game. Not the from game so
much but there is a way to make a blog for your Sims.
I haven't even gone there yet. In the first game I made
myself a Sims right away. I'm too bewildered by the
whole game right now. I haven't even thought about it.
Oh. But. Maybe someday. Soon.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">(Meanwhile,
my new epigraph is from Michael. I love his word of
the day sentences. But this one is just the coolest)(Oh
yeah and Maria mentioned my wrists. Last night I could
quite feel my hand. Eek.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
(As Trainwreck mentioned.) Some of the Sims can do yoga.
What's really fun that you can get them doing yoga and
then other Sims will join them. It's just the cutest.
Am I doing my own yoga? Um. Not so much just now. But
I will. As soon as I raise these darn kids.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yoga.
Which brings me to <a href="http://www.playward.com/">Jenny's</a>
comment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="414">
<tr>
<td width="408">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">i read your article in yoga international.
<br>
i believe that language/labels separate all of us...i was called "fat"
most of my life and have realized that its a word that should be
removed from all of the worlds dictionaries of the minds. When you used
it...calling yourself fat, my heart felt very sad. I am writing to
share that you are not fat, you are not ...anything BUT
YOU...magnificently beautifully you.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
but. I am fat. Very fat. I know the word is used
as an expletive. I've been called fat all my life. And
it has hurt. But it wasn't the word that hurt me. It
was the hatred of the people using it. The word is a
simple descriptive word. I'm also tall. I have brown
hair. I have <strike>brown</strike> greying hair. But
I use the word when describing myself because, for me,
it's also a political identity. If fat people weren't
discriminated against in employment, housing and public
access I wouldn't talk about it any more than I talk
about my eye color. That would be nice. But it isn't
what's real right now. Right now I use the word to take
it back. Into my sense of self. And not as a bad thing.
So I'm sorry when people are sad. But no need to be
sad for me. At least not in terms of weight. Maybe in
terms of my game addiction. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
more to say but, like I said. I have kids to raise.
I'm just a bit miffed that <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru</a>
has a man who brings her food and water when she plays.
Picture me pouting. This is usually when I wonder if
I will ever grow up and <a href="http://mikegolby.info/blog.html">Mike</a>
stops my and says I never will. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1172)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1172"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e873" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e873"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e873"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e873"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The Sims is called a God game.
I'm not so good at being God so far. Things have not
gone as well as they might for the first few families.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Perhaps
the most developed part of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">my
book</a> is about the time I was <a href="http://www.liveindia.com/babaji/introduction.html">in
India.</a> Although when I say developed I am thinking
about what my MFA fellows thought about writing. I like
other parts of the book better. The India section is
extremely descriptive. I tend to like sparity in
writing. I like it all but that was the struggle for
me in the program. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/What_Color_Is_The_Dress.htm">What
color WAS the dress?</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
own relationship with God, or spirit, or Goddess, or
what ever we're calling it this week, is all through
the book. My never ending effort to understand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="482">
<tr>
<td width="476">
<p class=MsoBodyText style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I have a memory. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">My
grandmother has given me a key. I don�t remember why. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Maybe it was a key to my Aunt
Jean�s apartment, just across the street from us. Or maybe it was the key to
our house. Maybe I was supposed to give it to someone. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoBodyTextIndent align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I don�t remember. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
remember sitting on the black walnut stool that Uncle John and Aunt Jean made
when they were in high school.</span></font><span style="font-size:9pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">He made
the stool. She made the needlepoint cushion to go on top. My elbows are pressed
into my knees and my hands are clenched together. My forehead is pushed into my
knuckles and I am praying. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
have lost the key.</span></font></p>
<p class=DefaultText style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I am praying and begging God to help me find the key. I am making
promises of kindness, cooperation with my elders, a future as a medical
missionary in India. I am begging for intervention. I don�t want my grandmother
to be upset. It�s not like she would hit me, or anything. But her disapproval
fills a room.</span></font><span style="font-size:9pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It makes my stomach hurt,
even when her disapproval isn�t about me. I am praying a litany of promises and
I am reasoning with God. I am explaining to God why he needs to help me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:9pt; mso-fareast-font-family:
" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;
mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">�The thing is I didn�t mean to lose the key, but she
won�t understand that and she�ll think I wasn�t paying attention, or
concentrating, or something like that and she </font></span><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:9pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">will be mad at me and she will be mad at my Mom
and it isn�t fair to be mad at my Mom because she�s at work and she didn�t lose
the key and she will be mad at my Dad because he�s dead, but he isn�t really
dead, but she says he is and I think you can see that a person who thinks a
person is dead who isn�t really dead isn�t totally reasonable, but that�s </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">because
she�s older and set in her ways and you know all about that and I think you
need to help me.�</span></font><p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
fell off of the stool.</span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
don�t remember how.</span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And
the key was underneath the stool.</span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="text-align:justify; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There
are parts I don�t remember but I do remember that at that moment I believed in
God. I believed that God was with me. I believed that God would answer my
prayers. </span></font><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:9pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">I remember how that felt.</font></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like that section. I like it because of the sparity
in the writing and because it begins my confused patriarchal
need for intervention from a higher power. A god who
knows how to play the game better than I do, as it were.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1173)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1173"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e874" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Happy Indigenous People's day.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it's interesting that,
when I played the first Sims
I liked making single people
who raised their own food and
had pets for company. In this
new game it's all about families.
Because these Sims are going
to grow up and die. So you need
other Sims to keep the game
running. AKA their kids. Plus
you need other Sims for friends
and lovers. The hours of play
... it makes me dizzy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
saw a section of <a href="http://www.miramax.com/shallwedance/">Shall
We Dance</a> in which the Susan
Sarandon character says that
being married is important because
you need someone to witness
your life. I thought that was
an interesting and romantic
idea. On the other hand it seems
like your friends and your community
witness your life. I have some
bad attitude about the movie
because I so loved the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117615/">first
movie</a> and I don't think
anyone is mentioning it in the
promotion of this new version.
I also wonder about the <a href="http://slate.msn.com/id/2107100/">Motorcycle
Diaries.</a> Being so in love
with Che, as I am, I'll either
love it or hate it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
anyway.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been thinking about the big
family thing as a result of
all the game playing with families.
(I could write a game strategy
book at this point.) When I
was young I used to spend hours
drawing my big family. I'd draw
the kids and tell myself the
story of how their lives were.
When I was fourteen we moved
from Pittsburgh PA to Maryland.
I often wonder if we had not
moved if my life would have
been about marrying my high
school
crush and having lots of kids.
I think I would have liked that.
But there would have been things
I wouldn't have been able to
do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are <a href="http://www.dontamend.com/">lots
of kinds of family.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I was in my Sims coma I missed
<a href="http://easybakecoven.net/2004/10/october-5-current-moon-phase-waning.html">Susan's
birthday.</a> And Lynn's. I
just ... I dunno. I blame the
game. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1174)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1174"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Like virtually everyone I know, I'm voting for Kerry. And probably for
exactly the same reasons. To enumerate these reasons, to repeat yet
another time the fundamental litany of liberal principles that need to
be reclaimed and revitalized, seems to be redundant and unnecessary.
Our culture has become politicized to a degree that verges upon
hysteria. And since I live in New Jersey, a state in which an "honest
politician" is someone who hasn't yet been arrested, I have come to
have modest, that's to say realistic expectations about public life.
- <a href="http://slate.msn.com/id/2107890/">Joyce Carol Oates</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e875" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e875"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e875"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:15
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I'm always saying that I don't
mind being my age. And I don't. Even when I was a kid
I wanted to be older. But there is one thing about the
last four years. I can't get away with anything. In
my wild youth I hammered my body again and again and
it always rebounded. Not any more. This last week of
sitting in front of the computer, erratic eating and
sleeping, (because yes I did get up in the middle of
the night because I had a kooky idea I wanted to try
in the game) (oh and I played for hours after my diner
with Val) has not been good for my body. I can feel
the need to stretch and move. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Sunday I stopped playing long enough to cook up things
that were on the verge. I made this soup/stew kinda
thing with delacata squash and chicken in miso broth.
It was odd but it did taste good. I like those things
you create when you're trying to use things up.
I cooked some beets (which I am eating right now,
having tossed them in balsamic) and some apple pear
sauce. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
I don't drive I used to do a lot of walking. I still
do some. And restaurant work is physical. In my late
forties I was going to school and became more sedentary
and I really notice the ill effects. Today I'm doing
laundry, which means going up and down steps and being
out side. With every trip up and down I feel better.
And I will do some yoga. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
never been body person. I've noticed how some
people want to move. I'm not one of them. I can sit
and talk, or read, or watch movies (or play with my
virtual dolls) for hours. It's always been this way.
But I am a sensualist. I like to feel good. So when
things get to far gone I notice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
sent a link to this <a href="http://slate.msn.com/id/2107890/">wonderful
news.</a> Writers are so smart. Mostly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1175)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1175"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e876" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e876"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e876"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:17
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The other day <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari</a>
and I had an interesting talk
about systems and the individual.
I think there's a surge of blame
the individual, or admire the
individual, and ignore the system
in which that individual exists
these days.
Put a bunch of people on an
island and don't ask them to work together, see which
one of them WINS survival. Put a bunch of people in
a board room and see what they will do to be the ONE.
But it's more subtle than all that.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
began by talking about a <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/meet/sommer/bio.html">young
women</a> who had stomach bypass
surgery and was eating lots
of chips. The woman had this recalcitrant
attitude. She was going to eat
what she wanted. Before the
surgery, she could have eaten
the chips and had enough room
for, oh I don't know, maybe
an apple. Although I doubt she
ate many apples. Now she has less
of a chance to get the nutrition
she needs from what she eats.
That's what the surgery does.
Makes less stomach to digest food. So eating chips alone is a sure
fire way to become unhealthy.
Her eating habits were and still
are crap. But she's "healthier"
because she's losing weight.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Picture
my eye roll. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
lost a lot of weight in a few
months. And we know that's not
good. It's hard on your muscles.
Muscles like your heart. I keep waiting for someone
to study the negative impacts
of this surgery. And (thankfuckinggawd)
someone has. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="313">
<tr>
<td width="307"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The investigators found that of the 435 obesity-surgery patients whose
records they reviewed, 16 percent developed peripheral neuropathy. That
contrasted with 3 percent in a group of obese gallbladder-surgery
patients who were studied for comparison.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Peripheral neuropathy refers to damage to the nerves that relay
information to and from the brain and spinal cord to the rest of the
body. (<a href="http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=healthNews&storyID=6502637&src=eDialog/GetContent§ion=news">more</a>)</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the years to come I believe
we will see more and more ill
effects from the surgery. This
surgery that is being <a href="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20041014/ap_on_he_me/teen_gastric_bypass">given
to teenagers for free.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="345">
<tr>
<td width="339"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="arial" size="-1"> </font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Doctors at Obesity Surgery Specialists said 16-year-old Brandon Bennett needs the operation for a chance at a healthy life.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> Brandon is often sent home from school
because of high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate, and he is
too big to be allowed on rides at Six Flags Astroworld. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not going to debate whether
this kid is too fat. But I wonder if his blood
pressure isn't elevated because
of the hostility with which
he is no doubt familiar. And
does anyone else think that
mentioning his heart rate and
whether or not he can fit into
a seat on a roller coaster in
the same sentence is loopy?
Someone once said, "when
all you have is a hammer, everything
looks like a nail." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Should
he exercise? Yes. Aren't there
really big guys on football
teams? He may not be up to full
speed. Maybe he could just be
on a walking team. Or something.
But he's going to get a surgery
that may damage his
nerves and
their ability to relay
information to and from the brain and spinal cord. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
My first thoughts are about
the medical community and the
big money surgeries. One free
one. How many paid? The general
climate of fat hatred in which
people have their <a href="http://size-acceptance.org/dakota/">children
taken away,</a> are <a href="http://www.theindychannel.com/station/3786463/detail.html">refused
transportation,</a> and
<a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/news/local/story/240803p-206536c.html">lose
jobs</a> (these last three links via
<a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB)</a>.
But lets go back to the girl
eatin the chips. Do I think
she's bad for eating chips after
spending all that money to have
her stomach mutilated? Frankly,
I'm just
too busy being pissed off at
the system to think about it.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
eat <a href="http://www.kettlefoods.co.uk/site/HomePage.do?id=501.54">chips.</a>
And I eat apples. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think people should take responsibility
for what happens in their lives. I do. But I think that
responsibility has to be understood in context. In other
words, the girl should eat fewer chips and an apple.
I'm still more pissed off at the world in which she
felt she needed to be thin to be lovable and valuable.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ari's
point to me was that being pissed off doesn't do much.
And she's right. And yet, I want that part of the conversation
to be had. We are a culture of SELF improvement. And
I like that. But can we also improve the culture? <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001401.php">The
diet industry is a 40 billion dollar industry.</a> Ya
know what I'm sayin?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1176)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1176"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e877" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e877"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e877"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I was reading the other evening.
And my head began to whirrrrr. All these ideas for blog
posts began to spin. When I woke up they were gone.
I guess I should have gotten up and written them. But
I haven't been sleeping well and I was trying to get
myself back into a rhythm. It didn't work. I lay there
thinking. Not writing. All that chatter poured onto
the pillow. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
this overwhelming sadness pushing down on me. It's not
depression. It's just grief. I don't want to live in
the litany of what didn't go well. I either want to
be here now or be thinking and moving forward.
And I'm not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
would be fair to say that I didn't get as much fostering/parenting
(or something) as one might want. Absent father. Working
mother. But that all seems like it goes in the things
to accept column. Which isn't to say that having a moment
or two of woe is me is a bad thing. But a year or two
might be excessive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
had jobs since I was eleven. I ironed for the next door
neighbor, babysat, worked in a local drug store. Mostly
I've worked in restaurants and tried to do the work
I loved (music) on the side. Although, I did also love
cooking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
work I want doesn't seem so impossible. When I was having
that reading and thinking evening I thought about wanting
to be a teacher in a small college. My desire for an
MA is really desire for more learning and a life in
a scholarly community. But where? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging
is my scholarly community. And I haven't been reading
around, for which I can only apologize and beg forgiveness.
And try to explain that there is a part of me that needs
to know that if I don't work it won't all fall apart.
You know what I mean? I keep wondering how long
it will take till no one stops by anymore. Not that
I'm trying to create that scenario by not posting. I
do try to think of something to write. The blog has
been my life raft. Writing the blog has been like my
job. In the best sense. Work that I love. Writing and
thinking and communicating. If I lose that I can't imagine
what I'll do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not depression. It sadness. And if I begin to write
the laundry list of reasons why I will never stop typing.
I could call a friend and pour it out. But, frankly,
I'm tired of the listing. It feels like the ball gets
thrown back to me. As it always does for all of us.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
am I going to...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">do?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1177)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1177"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e878" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e878"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e878"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e874"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">19</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There are ways in which I feel
like I should watch the new
(cough) <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001399.php">reality
show</a> so that I can deconstruct
it. Frankly, I don't have the
emotional stamina. Having seen
the commercial for the show
is enough for a certain
amount of deconstruction. It
is also enough for me to know
I don't want to endure the show.
And it would be enduring.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the commercial the voice over
says, "You won't believe
how much they lose in the first
week." Anyone who has ever
been on a diet will believe
it. The first week of any diet
is always the week in which
the most weight is lost. And
rapid weight loss
is terrible for your health.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the one hand, this show isn't
worse than any other (cough)
reality show. All of these shows
are about humiliation. Eating
bugs. Competing for the love
of someone, or a job. Having
your restaurant literally combust.
It's all about humiliation.
It could be argued that humiliating
fat people is different because
it relies on stereotypes. And
reinforcing stereotypes adds
to the hostile environment in
which fat people live. And that
is not good for their health.
Not good at all. But there are
ways in which all of these shows
rely on stereotypes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
fat people tell their weight
loss stories has been done on
talk shows for as long as there
have been talk shows. Talk shows go in search of the
extreme. Find the biggest person who has done the most
dramatic thing to lose weight and valorize them. This isn't new.
It is grotesque. But it isn't
new. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Part
of me thinks that reality shows
are the <a href="http://www.english.uga.edu/~amitchel/4830_carnival.htm">carnivalesque</a>,
a bawdy antidote to the
grind of work that is too hard
doesn't pay enough. In other
ways I think they reinforce
the worst parts of how we see
ourselves. Darwin would be sputtering.
Survival of the what? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you understand weight loss (and
really, who does?) you know
that different people lose weight
at different rates for reasons
they cannot control. Genetics.
Body chemistry. Gender. If the
show tracks the people for over a month every woman
on the show will have one week in which they either
gain weight or at least don't lose much. Of course,
dieting does mess with a woman's cycle. So. That's a
health issue we might want to consider. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a very fat friend who has been losing weight for
about a year. She's been losing in very small amounts.
I don't really know the numbers but a pound a week might
be more than what she's losing. She isn't focused on
losing. She's been swimming and doing yoga and eating
good food. If she continues to lose she might be thin
in a couple of years. I don't have issues with her weight
loss. She is, for the most part, fat positive. She isn't
trying to lose weight. She's trying to move more. And
her eating habits are only changing relative to trying
to change a habit of eating on the run. I don't think
there's anything wrong with trying to eat better, food
in a more conscious manner. I don't think there's anything
wrong with moving more. She already has a great relationship,
work that she loves and in which she is held in high
esteem. She isn't trying to lose weight to find love
and have a happy life. Her life is good. From my own
experience I can say that the thinnest I ever get is
not that thin. Some bodies are just bigger. So she may
never be thin but that isn't her intention. And she
will never be on one of these shows. She's too balanced.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I wanted to be a professional social critic I should
muster the stamina to watch the show. I was thinking
about how talking out loud about my personal process
may be a liability to my professional social critic
standing. If someone comes here from the yoga articles
expecting a blissed out yoga journal they may be disappointed.
We live in a culture of improvement as evidence of evolution.
A culture in which sadness is something to over come.
A culture in which talking out loud about the difficult
nature of being a human means you are solipsistic and
need to get your act together. Or take a pill. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
I'm not a professional. Thankfully. I am fully human.
I have my successes and my failures. I am a middle aged
woman who left a successful career in search of more,
living in a country on the verge of an election that
will either mean more horror, or more mediocrity, an
election in which many of the people may stay home to
watch fat people (people who look like me) humiliated
instead of going to the polls. A bit of ennui seems
appropriate. Full blown misery seems appropriate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've read
critique of the show in which the focus is about making
fat people a joke. Again. Not a new thing. For me it's
much worse. It's a show that uses an unsafe health practice
(rapid weight loss) to reify a stereotype. A reification
that will, no doubt enable scape goating and add to
the get your act together, just do it, get with program,
reductionism of the way we think about ourselves and
our lives. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1178)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1178"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e879" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In the course of the morning
I heard a poll on the radio putting Bush ahead and a
poll on the television putting Kerry ahead. It's a nail
biter. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
I type I am listening to <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/10/20/BABADIGEST3.DTL">testimony
from the hotel workers</a> who are on strike in SF.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
would like to write a meliorative post. I really would.
All I can say is I'm workin on it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1179)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1179"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e880" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e880"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e880"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My neighborhood seemed to be full
of ethics tests the other day. I was walking
to the new <a href="http://www.traderjoes.com/">Trader
Joe's</a>. I stopped to put
some mail in the mail box and
saw a pair of <a href="http://www.oakley.com/">expensive
sunglasses</a>. It looked like
maybe someone put them there
for a second while they were
dropping off some mail and then
spaced out and walked off. I
looked to see if one of the
post office guys was around.
I looked to see if there were
anyone near by. I put the glasses
on. They were prescription.
I looked around again to see
if I could figure out who left
them and then I put them on
top of the box in hopes that
the person would retrace their
steps and went on to the store.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
stopped at Walgreens. On the
way out I stopped to rearrange
the stuff in my bags. In one
of the newspaper boxes I noticed
what appeared to be a large
bag of smaller bags of marijuana.
I could have been wrong. It's
been awhile. I looked for the
security guard in the little
mall or the manager of the Walgreens.
I looked around for a cop. I'm
not sure why. I think I just
wanted someone to confirm that it was pot. There was
a day when I could have sold it all in about a half
an hour and solved some of my money problems. That day
is gone and selling something that you aren't really
sure about is at least as dubious as selling it at all.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I got to the corner I looked back and thought I saw
someone looking at it. I may have been wrong. As I passed
the mailbox a young man, passing at the same time, noticed
the glasses and grabbed them with what did not seem
like much of a thought. He'll find out that they are
prescription and to them to the curb, far away from
the place where the person who lost them might look.
I wanted to believe that the person would retrace their
steps and find the glasses.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
there was a camera watching to see how people would
react to these mysterious finds. Maybe there were more
things planted around. That's what I wanted to think.
I wanted to think it was a big project and not just
random and meaningless moments in which I worried about
things that need not have been thought about at all.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the effort to navigate this time of change I am thinking
a lot about who I am and what I need to be to get to
the next place. And that includes what I'm doing here.
I like having a blog. I like reading blogs. This has
just been a bad month. I have been in retreat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">K
posed a <a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/ahappening/2004/10/note_to_self.html">provocative
contemplation</a> the other day. Is this a medium that
fosters friendship? I think so. I have come to hold
many on my blog roll as dear friends. Very dear. And
like all friendships these relationships require attention
to thrive. I have been less than attentive, in all my
relationships if the truth be told. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I came back from the store I was thinking about how
the ethics tests would make a great blog post.
It took me a couple of days to write it. Is there a
tension between blog writing in terms of mass communication
and intimate communication? Oh yeah. If I were writing
e-mails to individuals the writing would be different
and in many ways easier. I would know my audience. On
the blog I am aware that people who I don't know read
and people who don't know me get an impression of me
from what I write. So maybe this should only be a place
where I write distinct essays and never mention how
I feel. Less risky I suppose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
does this medium foster friendships? Jeez. I'm really
not sure. I only know what I feel. I know that when
I read people taking the great risk to write their lives
out loud in public, I am always moved. I like reading
distinct essays. I like writing them. But what a revolution
it would be if we all just told the truth and didn't
try to be shiny happy people full of smart things to
say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are times when my emotions don't require that much attention.
Even if they aren't good they aren't overwhelming. And
I may be through the bad month. Or not. Today the sun
is shining and I'm going for another walk. So there
may be more funny things planted in the neighborhood
to write about. Or not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't want to stop blogging. I don't want to stop reading
blogs. So. That's the first noble truth for this moment.
We'll see what comes next. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1180)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1180"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e881" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e881"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e881"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:45
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I sort of copied <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George.</a>
Just a little bit.
</span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1181)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1181"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e882" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e882"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e882"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I just gotta say, if you do
web design, you have ALL my respect. I never get
it just the way I want it. But. I like doin it. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
mangos in my mango, blueberry, cranberry muffins are
starting to mold. Dang. I shoulda kept em in the fringe.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1182)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1182"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e884" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e884"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e884"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:37
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
60 minutes did half the show
about the reopened investigation
of the <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/21/60minutes/main650652.shtml">Emmett
Till case.</a> I was
startled by the opening
line, which suggested that
not many would know who
Emmet Till was. I don't
know why I should be surprised.
Do schools teach things
or prepare kids for tests?
I don't really know. I fear
the worst. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
often watch 60 minutes
and then <a href="http://www.nbc.com/American_Dreams/">American
Dreams</a>. And that's it.
I sometimes like the <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Law_&_Order:_Criminal_Intent/index.html">Law
and Order</a> on Sunday
nights. It's the only one
I do like and that's because
I like <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Law_&_Order:_Criminal_Intent/bios/Vincent_DOnofrio.html">Vincent</a>
and that's because he was
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0161216/">Abbie.</a>
But the show is a repeated
formula that drives me crazy
if I watch it two weeks
in a row. I was working
on the design, preoccupied
and only half watching.
Then came <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Crossing_Jordan/index.html">Crossing
Jordan</a>. I've seen it
a few times and am never
really engaged. This episode
was about a <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Crossing_Jordan/episode_guide/62.html">black
man murdered in the south</a>
and the reopening of the
case. What a coincidence!
So the show ends with man
who murdered him apologizing
to the wife and son and
everyone walks away feeling
like it's all good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the gee some really bad
things happened but there's
nothing that can be done
because it's all in the
past so lets just move on
quickly way of dealing with
our miserable history. I'm
not feelin it. It
was TV. It's just crazy
to expect more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways, at some times, an apology is all we have
to offer one another. Maybe it was because this show
aired right after watching the 60 minutes. The woman
who Emmet whistled at is still alive. There's something
about that. I don't support the death penalty but I
think she should be in jail. Or something. The 60 minute
guy tried to talk to her and she wouldn't talk. So it
doesn't seem like she's feeling the need to apologize.
I guess we may know more if they reopen the case. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Truth
and reconciliation might begin with an apology. But
that is only the first small step </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1184)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1184"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e885" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e885"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e885"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's a cold grey morning. It
rained all night. There was thunder. I rarely hear thunder
in SF. In Colorado there were afternoon thunderstorms
that would roll over the mountains and cross the plain
in a rush, all drama and flash. You could wait it out.
When I moved to NYC it took me a year to accept that
the rain wasn't going to pass quickly. After a few times
getting soaked I bought the first of many subway umbrellas.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like the sound of rain. I like the feel of grey. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1185)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1185"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e886" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e886"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e886"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The biggest issue in the election
is the war in Iraq. No. Wait. The biggest issue is the
war on terrorism in general. No. It's the Supreme Court
and the right to chose. No. No. It's the economy. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Florida
is the state to watch. No. Ohio. There's a guy in Pennsylvania
who is worried that there will be violence on election
day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
lord. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is all so tense and loopy. Every poll says something
different. Every news cast has a different focus. It's
almost amusing. Except for the fact that it's so scary.
And there's as much talk about election monitoring as
there is about issues. Maybe the best thing is that
voter turn out is supposed to be higher. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is what Democracy looks like. Pretty scary. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1186)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1186"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e887" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e887"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e887"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e879"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
For six years I worked for these
really horrible men. They
had formed a company and
were opening restaurants.
One of them was so nasty
and abusive. I still have
dreams about him. Last night
I was dreaming about all
of them. I dream about them
often. It's never good. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
job search is troubled by
a few things, not the least
of which is that I live
in an area where the dot
com bubble burst leaving
a mess of employees and
not too many jobs. And then
there's my beautiful resume
full of cooking and kitchen
management and I'm applying
to teach. My curriculum
vitae is ... uh ... well...odd.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also apply for office management
jobs with a cover letter
that tries to point out
that managing a restaurant
is so crazy and I might
be able to handle an office.
Not in those words, obviously.
I'm reticent when applying
for editing and writing
jobs because I can't type
and I can't spell. Not well.
So. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I'm old. I don't know if
my age matters but it might.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure
if being fat matters. Although
clearly there is job <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/cat_discrimination.php">discrimination.</a>
I haven't gotten to the
interviews so I'm not sure
how anyone would know about
my age, or my weight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">About
once a month a job comes
up that I actually might
want and think I can do.
And I apply for things for
which I know I'm not qualified.
It's all very wearing. Days
go by when I just cannot
bring myself to look. And
then there are the days
when ten minutes of looking
puts me into the fetal
position. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Our
mayor, who I disdain, <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/10/27/MNGLE9H2T11.DTL">joined
the picket line yesterday.</a>
You might imagine that I would dig that. And there are
ways in which it's cool. But. You hafta have watched
him in the past. It just seems like an attention grab.
Still. I like the way it will play. He's a pro business
guy and this was bold. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
just want to work. And have some dignity. I would like
to find a way to make a living with my writing but I
have to write and submit writing and get an agent and
yadda yadda. This hasn't been a good month for any of
that. I am feeling better so ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love working. I always have. I want to work. But my
dream reminded me of how hard it is to work for abusive
people. I was so tired and angry all the time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Remember
when I was going to be a rock-n-roll star?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about <a href="http://www.wam.umd.edu/~stwright/right/LucindaWilliamsLyrics.html">this
song.</a> Shouldn't I have all of this and ...</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e888" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/">Marie,</a>
in my comments, says to turn off the news. Good advise.
But at times like this I am addicted. I get most of
my news from <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">lefty radio</a>.
I listen to NPR on the weekends. Awhile ago my cable
reorganized and put MSNBC, CNBC, CNN and Fox all in
a little cluster. From time to time I troll through
all four. BBC is good. Foreign news sources in general.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I had MSNBC on for the first time in a while. And I
hear <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6363306/">the
news.</a> And the frenzy ramps up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I get an e-mail that another piece of writing was
rejected. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jeez.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other night I stood on my roof and watched <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/10/28/BAGLB9HPS91.DTL">the
moon turn red.</a> I marveled and felt some fear. Some
sense of the largeness of it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't feel terrible about the rejection. When I first
read them I have a measured response. Often times I
react later. But the next four days feel big. I am making
every effort to remain ... oh, I dunno. Calm? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
just for the moment, the televsion is not on. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e889" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">30</font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
When I was a kid Mom took me
trick or treating on our block. There was an older woman
who made popcorn balls. I remember not liking them as
much as the trash candy I got, which just makes me want
to give myself a pinch. We always sat and talked with
her. There was an older man who never had candy but
gave each kid a stack of pennies. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="245">
<tr>
<td width="239">
<p><img src="Treat.jpg" width="239" height="409" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
an adult I once went to a party in a Miss Piggy costume.
I had a big plastic mask which include a wig. Quite
suffocating. A guy at the party was quite direct when
he made rude comments about my weight. He was six shades
of fucked up. Still. It took some of the fun out of
the whole evening. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Halloween
feels like a loss of innocence to me. Kids can't eat
homemade anything unless made by a trusted friend. Our
neighbor was a casual acquaintance. I doubt my mom would
even let me go out these days. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
live in a town where the party <a href="http://www.halloweeninthecastro.com/">will
be big.</a> But I won't be there. I like the <a href="http://www.sfmission.com/dod/sf_bay.htm">Day
of the Dead </a>stuff. I could hang out with <a href="http://www.reclaiming.org/rituals/samhain.html">the
witches.</a> I will no doubt be at home. Not forlorn.
Just not up to a crowd.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Treats
are good. I hope everyone gets lots of treats. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e890" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e890"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">October</font></a><a id="e890"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">31</font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Despite the fact that I am lock
jawed with fear about Tuesday, I am encouraged by how
wound up the country seems to be. It's really an on
the one hand on the other hand kind of thing. We are
polarized and cranky but we are also talking out loud
and voting. Voting is good. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.booktv.org/Feature/index.asp?segID=5179&schedID=316">Book
TV is all political books</a> this weekend and they
are trying to give both sides equal time. There was
this kind of interesting discussion between two men
who have written books about Bush from a psychological
perspective. I say almost because I don't really have
that much interest in why he is who he is. I just want
him to go away. Still. It was worth ten or twenty minutes
of my time. I listened to a <a href="http://inside.c-spanarchives.org:8080/cspan/cspan.csp?command=dprogram&record=138667954">debate
at the Oxford Union</a> featuring Richard Dreyfess,
of all people. <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a> did a show on undecided voters. It
was all quite a bit better than the stuff I was complaining
about the other day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finished the book on <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0231121024-2">Arendt</a>,
although I didn't get a lot of it. It is one of those
books that made me aware I have so much more to read.
The last bit from Kristeva struck me as timely. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="325">
<tr>
<td width="319">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Did
she not write once, that although the rapture
of thought is ineffable, "the only
possible metaphor one may conceive of for
the life of the mind is the sensation of
being alive"?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">As
for a political action that would be tantamount
to a birth and would shelter us from estrangement,
Hannah Arendt -- without indulging in too
many illusions -- invites us to think about
it and to experience it in the present,
while always remaining inside the realm
between promise and forgiveness. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
rapture of thinking. The realm between promise and forgiveness.
Yeah. I just sat with the book in my hand for a long
time after I read that. Wondering. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"> </p>
</td>
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</td>
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</table>
<p> </p>
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