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<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>November</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I've developed into quite a swan. I'm one of those people that will
probably look better and better as I get older, until I drop dead of
beauty. - Rufus Wainwright
(via <a href="http://catherinewheels.blogspot.com/">Catherine Wheels</a>)</span></font><p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e891" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e891"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e891"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">1</font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Sometimes I wonder why we make
note of these made up ideas of time. But being done
with October feels good. I don't know why it was such
a stinky month. Autumn is my favorite season. And I
don't know why I'm feeling happy to arrive at a moment
in time that feels like such a precipice. I am though.
Maybe it's because soon all the campaign hammering will
stop and we will know what's next. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Saturday
night was noisy in the neighborhood and I didn't sleep
well. I kept going back to bed all day Sunday but I
can almost never sleep in the day. I could barely keep
my eyes open during 60 minutes, which was not necessarily
a <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/28/60minutes/main652046.shtml">bad
thing.</a> I went to bed at ten with a head full
of <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=2-0231122845-0">Melanie
Klein</a> and at that point couldn't sleep at all. Ah,
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to take my voter information pamphlet (and when
I say pamphlet you should picture a volume the size
of a thick magazine) (lots to <a href="http://www.sfbg.com/39/04/cover_clean_slate.html">vote
on</a> here) and study up. Some things are a <a href="http://www.sfbg.com/39/02/news_endorsements.html#Proposition66">no
brainer.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
here we go. In the words of <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Amy
Goodman</a>, the count down to the show down. And I
have this strange calm. Like when you've been pushing
a muscle for to long and you finally relax. For just
a moment you feel more relaxed than you ever have.
And then...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1191)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1191"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e892" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e892"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e892"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e892"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2</font></a><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:53
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Did not want to get out of bed.
Did not want to turn on the radio. If I could spend
the day with my head under the covers I would. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
given voice to all that, it is entirely the wrong
attitude. Since our election four years ago was hijacked
by a hyper media, corrupt state officials, the supreme
court and our own apathy this feels like the election
in which we take back democracy. All those forces <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/110104C.shtml">are
still at play.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm tired
of feeling afraid when I walk into the polling place.
It shouldn't be this overwhelming. The system needs
work. The electoral college should be the first thing
to go. If I think about how much money was spent on
this election I will end up back in bed. <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog">Amp</a>
has a few great posts but I can't link to specific
posts there. I seem to be stuck in frame set. He mentioned
<a href="http://www.counterpunch.org/meek09282004.html">what
the Democrats did in Oregon.</a> Democracy? We need
a <a href="http://www.fairvote.org/pr/">big change</a>
in how it all works. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
today I'll walk over to my polling place and cast my
vote. My tired and terrified vote. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1192)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1192"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">In one way or
another, this is the oldest story in America: the struggle to determine
whether "we, the people" is a spiritual idea embedded in a political
reality? one nation, indivisible ? or merely a charade masquerading as
piety and manipulated by the powerful and privileged to sustain their
own way of life at the expense of others.</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/061203A.shtml">-Moyers</a></span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/061203A.shtml">
</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e893" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e893"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e892"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e893"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I thought I might take a book
to the poll because there was so much talk about long
lines. As it turned out there was only one guy in front
of me. But there were more people there than I normally
see and when I left there were six people in line. I
came home and made tuna salad.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
really the way it is. First the drama. Then lunch. I
did actually crash for about twenty minutes. Slept hard
until awakened by a loud fly buzzing around the
room. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Turned
on the TV. Turned off the TV. Read for awhile. Turned
the TV back on. Made coffee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
news of the first few states came in my stomach began
to turn. I kept reminding myself that these states aren't
the ones to watch. It's too early. Keep breathing. But.
This is so intense. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1193)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1193"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The good news: America is a divided nation. Despite the pundit hand-wringing over
this fact, it is a positive thing. Nearly--</span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">nearly</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">--half of the electorate
rejected Bush's leadership, his agenda, his priorities, his falsehoods. From Eminem to
the chairman of Bank of America to 48 Nobel laureates to gangbangers who joined
anti-Bush get-out-the-vote efforts in swing states. Nearly half of the voting public
concluded that Bush had caused the deaths of over 1,100 American GIs and literally
countless Iraqis (maybe 100,000) for no compelling reason. Nearly half saw the
emperor buck naked and butt ugly. Nearly half said no to his rash actions and
dishonest justifications. Nearly half realized that Bush had misrepresented the war in
Iraq as a crucial part of the effort against al Qaeda and Islamic jihadism. Nearly half
desired better and more honest leadership. Nearly half knew that Bush has led the
country astray.
-<a href="http://www.davidcorn.com/2004/11/bush_wins_or_se.php">David Corn</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e894" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e894"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e894"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e894"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Recently, in my comments, I
was accused of taking my emotional temperature too often.
This morning I don't have any emotional temperature.
I feel bloodless. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to bed at 11:00 after a manic evening of reloading
the <a href="http://network.ap.org/dynamic/files/specials/election_night_2004/us_map_govsenhouse/index.html?SITE=CSPANELN&SECTION=POLITICS">CSPAN
map</a> every two minutes and channel jumping around
the news channels. I was back up at 11:20. Back
at the computer. I did sleep. Until 5:00 when I woke
up having a nightmare. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Punch
drunk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bloodless.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
e-mail I got this morning from <a href="http://www.thenation.com/index.mhtml">The
Nation</a> reminds me of what Joe Hill said before being murdered in 1915 by a
firing squad in the yard of the Utah State Penitentiary. "Don't mourn,
organize!"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1194)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1194"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e895" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e895"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e895"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:20
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e705"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
As the day moves along and I
read blogs, listen to the
radio, eat my eggs and toast,
emotion surfaces and then
falls slips back under the
layer of shock. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
said something smart about
grounding in the physical
world. I've been taking
pretty good care of myself
through all this. Given
that my appetite and sleep patterns have been whacked.
Last night I made chicken, acorn squash and micro greens
for dinner. At another time in my history I might have
smoked and drank my way through the evening. This morning
I did some much needed yoga. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Liberal
people often tell me that they don't watch TV. Then
they wonder how people could have voted for Bush. Watch
some TV tonight. Look at the way culture elevates meanness
and ignorance. It won't take much. Ten minutes of a
show or two. A few commercials. All those people we
like to think are so stupid are coming home from jobs
in which they make not enough money to pay the credit
card debt they built trying to feel better about their
lives. They are too tired to read, or think, or help
their own kids with homework. They watch TV. And they
are fed a toxic idea of power and beauty. They are fed
fear of their neighbors and the rest of the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">John
Kerry, in his concession speech, said we wake up
winners simply because we are Americans. I find no reason
to take pride in that fact. Neither am I ashamed. Because
being an "American" has never been about being
one thing. The definition of that word and the meaning
of that identity has always been static and rarely positive
in terms that I would endorse. For me it is rather like
being a member of a family that behaves badly in a small
town. I do feel a need to apologize. And a need to explain
why we are the way we are. At the same time I feel that
there has always been a dissonant America. There have
always been people who didn't move in lock step with
the agenda of greed and domination. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Mark
</a>linked <a href="http://jameshowardkunstler.typepad.com/clusterfuck_nation/2004/11/election_result.html">this
bit</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="552">
<tr>
<td width="546">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It is hard to not view John Kerry as representing some essential
failure of the educated minority of the baby boom generation. We didn't
have the starch to stand up to the NASCAR boobs and the morons who want
to sell their country to Wal-Mart. We couldn't form a plausible
opposition to the those who act as if the future doesn't exist.</span></font>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I am feeling like dreams of my political youth, which
almost seemed to coalesce in the early days of the Clinton
presidency, have been crushed by the much more simplistic
agenda fed to an exhausted, frustrated and disenfranchised
population. I'm not willing to use words like moron
and boob (what would <a href="http://desfemmes.blogspot.com/">Des
Femmes</a> make of the use of boob as a slam? ) because
I've worked in restaurants with too many good people
who didn't get ideas like internalized oppression. Don't
tell them that they don't understand their oppression.
They're living it. I'm not sure it's about having starch.
I think its about knowing how to frame the debate and
then ... framing it. We lost control of the frame. So
to speak. We lost it to huge amounts of money. We lost
it to our own need to allow people to have their own
opinions. We lost it because the other guys are framing
it with lies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are not one nation. Clearly. We don't wake up in the
same nation. And really, in some ways, I hope we never
do. Difference is good. I'm not interested in common
ground. I'm not interested in uniting. I'm interesting
in finding the ways in which we can all get a little
bit of what we want. The one nation I'd like to wake
up in is the one in which we all have homes, food, jobs,
health care and dignity. After those basics are handled
we can talk about the rest.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Anyway. Now what? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cyndi
has a <a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2004/10/my-local-newspaper.html">good
idea</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="536">
<tr>
<td width="530">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">After the election, regardless of the outcome, I will be devoting some
of this blog space toward researching, defining and promoting companies
that support the progressive movement. The voice of the consumer is the
voice of the people. We have to learn how to speak in a collective
voice. <br>
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been thinking and thinking about it. I think it's a
great idea. And I'm a bit obtuse about the market. Willfully
obtuse. Maybe it's time to get smarter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the what to do about my writing question.
Some of the blood is flowing back into that part of
my brain. I think I'll be able to post more often than
I did last month. I had two pieces of writing rejected
by <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The Sun</a>,
which really hurt because I love them so. For years
I've intended to use the Reader's Write prompt and send
it in and I have not. Maybe if I had they would know
me and my writing. Anyway. It is something to try. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/index2.shtml">Amber</a>
has a <a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/products_id/29?osCsid=16c5dd3ab">cool
project</a>. Timely. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
how I have to get my art and writing and politics and
on and on into motion. Some how. Despite this machine
that wants to mold me and everyone else into an obedient
corporate servants. It's the same question that's been
nagging at me for such a long time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
to do? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
please. It is a some what rhetorical question. Not that
I'm closed to suggestions. But these kinds of changes
are never simple. And I am working on it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1195)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1195"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e896" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e896"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e896"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e706"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Yeah. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.butuki.com/">Miguel</a>
linked to <a href="http://www.faultline.org/place/pinolecreek/archives/001979.html">someone</a>
who linked to <a href="http://first-draft.com/">someone</a>
who said,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="297">
<tr>
<td width="291" height="20">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><em><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For christ's sake, look at Myanmar and the fight that one small
woman has waged all these years against tyranny. Look at Nelson
Mandela, how long he was in prison. And ya'll are upset? Give me a
break </span></font></em><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deep
breath. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
emotional temperature has been up and down and back
up. <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/020767.html">Dru
pointed to a comment thread</a> in which there was mention
of the push for Gay marriage as the reason for the way
things turned out. I was only mildly irritated by it
until I heard it three or four <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/11/03/state2030EST0524.DTL">more
times</a>. At which point I was beyond rage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
burst into tears a few times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
laughed out loud a few times.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1196)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1196"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e897" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e897"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e897"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:44
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e707"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
On the morning after the morning
after I am listening to
the radio and reading blogs.
There were votes that
were not counted and that
it was close and maybe
it was another <a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2004/11/dynamics-of-deception.html">stolen
election</a>. I'm glad there
are people working on all
that. I think we need to
keep talking about that.
I think most of us are so
anxious to move on and get
past how bad this feels
that we don't want to keep
poking at it. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't accept a lot of how
this looks. It is true that
many people in this country
voted for Bush. It is true
that when you look at the
big red states and surrounding
clusters of blue we look
like a country full of dopes
in the middle and the south.
But I think that's too simple.
If you look at the numbers
on a state by state basis
the numbers are close. I
don't accept the idea of
a conservative mandate.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no doubt that the next
four years will be difficult.
There is no doubt that this
dubious notion of morality
exists and that there is
a vigourous conservative Christian coalition. But I want to keep
resisting ideas that divide
things into simple and alienated
terms. And I don't want
to be in such a hurry to
feel better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
found myself working pretty
hard to keep my emotions
from becoming overwhelming
all day yesterday. I am
too often overwhelmed by
my emotions. But I'm certainly
not interested in not feeling.
There are reasons to be
sad. There are reasons to
be angry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
electoral college map is an example of how ideas can
be sold. People aren't that easy to color code. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never feel fully competent when writing about things
like this. I often feel like I'm not being clear. And
that may be because I don't like to take the big stand
too often. I like to keep the notion of complexity in
play. Part of complexity is that there are moments when
things get simple and I have and will take a big stand
now and then. I often feel like I'm jumping from the
macro view to the micro view and trying to stop
and every point in between. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
I can say with confidence is that there are a lot of
great people doing a lot of great work. I think a bit
of despair is inevitable and not such a terrible thing
and I like the idea of us all gathered for a plaintive
wail. If you're wailing, I'm wailing with you. And then
we can make a joke and have a giggle and make
some plans. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1197)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1197"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e898" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e898"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e898"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e708"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In my dream I had moved into
a small house with Eminem. He hadn't moved out yet and
the place was a mess. For some reason I knew I couldn't
clean it up in a hurry. So I would clean a little bit
and then watch TV or sleep. He seemed to be OK as
long as I didn't go to fast. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up. Made note of the dream with no small amount
of wondering what it could be about and turned over
for a bit more sleep. I went right back into it. He
had painted graffiti on a wall that I had painted. It
was nice graffiti. Words from poems and parts of sentences
he thought I would like. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hmm.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still wondering if the stolen election news will build.
<a href="http://theriverblog.blogspot.com/2004/11/kerry-won.html">Bruce</a>
linked this <a href="http://www.tompaine.com/articles/kerry_won_.php">Palast
article.</a> <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">Cyndi</a>
linked <a href="http://www.smirkingchimp.com/article.php?sid=18549&mode=nested&order=0">this.</a>
<a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Democracy
Now</a> is talking about it. It's in <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/11/05/politics1149EST0515.DTL">the
paper</a>. I just wonder if we can keep the focus
and make some noise. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
friend Tom sent e-mail that he had gone back to <a href="http://theslopes.blogspot.com/">blog
writing</a>. Which I thought was a great response to
all this emotion. Karen forwarded an e-mail from <a href="http://www.johncalvi.com/">this
guy</a> in which he said:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="399">
<tr>
<td width="393"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Hell on earth,
after all, is of human making & can be unmade too.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
are struggling and some of us are trying to move forward,
some of us are trying to question what happened. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the governor of the state of California continues to
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/11/05/MNGOF9MKHN1.DTL">act
the bully</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I was writing and I was concentrating really
hard. I noticed I was cold but I've been having such
a hard time writing lately. I didn't want to stop. Finally
I broke the trance and got up to close the windows,
at which point I realized it was raining. Really hard.
Weather in SF is always curious. Sweater cold one minute.
Tank top hot the next. The last few days have been cold
and rainy. Apropos. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think I've blogged about this before but I make this
soup based on a <a href="http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_18468,00.html">Portuguese
soup</a>. I had rainbow kale that was going limp so
I used that, red beans, chicken stock. There are more
layers you could add. Meat. Onions. Herbs. But I was
in my toss it together mode and the beans and greens
are a lot of flavor in and of themselves. I had that
with some red wine. It was a deeply comforting meal.
took the chill off.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We're
gonna need comfort. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1198)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1198"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I've gone from spiders to lizards here. Perhaps it's the season.
Perhaps the lizards are eating the spiders. For the past twelve hours,
there has been a beautiful little green anole perched on the cat food
bag in the laundry room. S/he (how can I tell?) regards me curiously,
cocking his/her head whenever I approach...but doesn't scurry away
unless I make sudden moves towards him/her. The kids and I observed
back last night. Cole said "Hello, little lizard." Monk said "I'm going
to go into the other room, little lizard, so there will be one less
person in here making you scared." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It occurs to me that it's not a bad thing that Monk is </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">convinced</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
he is, as he says "a RE-PUB-LICK-IN!"...the world could use some
republicans who are sensitive about the mental/emotional state of
little lizards. - <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/020807.html">Dru</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e899" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e899"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e899"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:19
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e709"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I just turned on the TV and
Lucille Clifton was reading this poem. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="232">
<tr>
<td width="226"><p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">HOMAGE TO MY HIPS</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">these</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
hips are big hips.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">they</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
need space to</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">move</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
around in.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">they</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
don�t fit into little</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">petty</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
places, these hips</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">be</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> free
hips.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">they</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
don�t like to be held back.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">these</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
hips have never been enslaved,</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">they</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
go where they want to go</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">they</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
do what they want to do.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">these</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
hips are mighty hips.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">this</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
hips are magic hips.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I have known them</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">to</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> put
a spell on a man and</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" dir="ltr" style="text-align:left; line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: embed;" align="justify"><span class="GramE" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">spin</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
him like a top! </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Picture
the smile on my face.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
needed that poem. In the midst of all the election post
mortum there is a bit of (cough) news today about how
<a href="http://www.freep.com/news/latestnews/pm1186_20041104.htm">fat
people are making the cost of flying higher.</a> (Via
<a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a> although
it's all over the news so I've been hearing it again
and again.) I mean ... don't take me there. Not this
week. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
Also. Back to the idea of the electoral map as a rhetorical
tool. <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2004/11/mapping-it-well-theres-this.html">Elayne
posted a great map.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1199)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1199"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e900" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e900"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e900"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e710"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
If I titled my posts I would
title this:some of my best friends are Christians. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
to be clear. Because really, it's a time for clarity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
posted the link to <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2004/11/mapping-it-well-theres-this.html">Elayne's
maps</a> (which has been expanded since I did) because
of the map where the country is broken down into smaller
bits. There were maps like that on the news Tuesday
that broke states into voting districts by color. While
it may be true that more southern and middle states
were more Republican, the big red and blue swatches
of the electoral college are too simple. I listened
to a panel on CSPAN doing a post mortem district by
district and my head was aching with numbers that I
couldn't contain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was the comment I left over at <a href="http://koshtra.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_koshtra_archive.html#109968146245363048">Dale's</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
week I feel like I've been arguing for complexity one
minute and a bottom line the next. And that's the way
it will be for a while. Because it's all true. There
is an extreme right. And they do worry me. And they
are well funded. But. They are people. I mean look.
Nothing is that simple. <a href="http://www.amconmag.com/2004_11_08/cover.html">Guess
who doesn't support the war</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anyway.
I try to hold notions of complexity even when I'm being
simplistic. How's that for double speak? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="242">
<tr>
<td width="236"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Here we go round the prickly pear<br>
Prickly pear prickly pear<br>
Here we go round the prickly pear<br>
At five o'clock in the morning.<br>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Between the idea<br>
And the reality<br>
Between the motion<br>
And the act<br>
Falls the Shadow <br></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For Thine is the Kingdom<br>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Between the conception<br>
And the creation<br>
Between the emotion<br>
And the response<br>
Falls the Shadow<br>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Life is very long<br>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Between the desire<br>
And the spasm<br>
Between the potency<br>
And the existence<br>
Between the essence<br>
And the descent<br>
Falls the Shadow<br>
For Thine is the Kingdom<br></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For Thine is<br>
Life is<br>
For Thine is the<br>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This is the way the world ends<br>
This is the way the world ends<br>
This is the way the world ends<br>
Not with a bang but a whimper.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> -
<a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/000437.html">T.S.
Elliot</a></span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1100)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1100"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e901" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e901"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e901"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e711"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I did an exit poll on Tuesday.
I don't remember the word
values being on it but I'm
sure if I saw it I would
not have checked it. It
is too vague. Add
the word family. Family
values. It is still rather
vague in my opinion. I think
about one of my radical
lesbian friends. What was
she doing on Tuesday night
while I obsessed in front
of the computer? Helping
her son with his homework.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
strongest impression from
<a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried">the
weddings</a> was how <a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried&img=19">straight</a>
<a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried&img=12">many</a>
<a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried&img=8">people</a>
<a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried&img=24">looked.</a>
Being an aging hippie chick
I remember when we used
the word straight to mean
conservative. And the weddings
were filled with what I
would call <a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried&img=4">conservative
values.</a> There were more
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/g/a/2004/02/18/gaywedgallery.DTL&o=6">babies</a>
than there was <a href="http://ephemera.org/sets/?album=justlymarried">camp.</a>
And, for the record, I loved the camp. There
was <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/g/a/2004/02/18/gaywedgallery.DTL&o=0">dignity.</a>
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?m=/c/pictures/2004/02/15/ba_marriagekr182.jpg&f=/g/a/2004/02/18/gaywedgallery.DTL">Is
this the group</a> the Democratic
party wants to blame? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/110704Z.shtml">Values?</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard a woman saying something
about how the traditional
view of marriage has worked
so well. Since my parents
were divorced when I was
three months old and my
father never paid more than
three or four months of
child support and went on
to be married FIVE more
times, I'm not feeling it.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1200)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1200"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e902" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e902"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e902"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e712"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
This morning is difficult.
I had the idea for the post
I wrote yesterday but it
took me a very long time
to write it. I was looking
at the pictures. Thinking.
Feeling. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
spent some time looking
through the blogs and listening
to NPR, which is my typical
Saturday morning. I'm reading
lots of great writing. Lots
of passion and energy. Lots
of heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then it hits me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
so sad.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't think this is a big,
bad deal. It seems obvious.
It's a reaction to the political
world, the way things are
articulated, the limits
of my own ability, the crash
of a week of trying very
hard to keep a focus going.
In some ways it is my default
emotion. It's the way I
feel most of the time. And
I know that people don't
want me to feel sad and
worry when I'm sad. I don't
want people to feel sad.
I worry when people are
sad. I'm tempted to write
the laundry list of reasons
for why I am and most often
have been sad. But. Some
of the people who read this
blog know me and some know
me better than others and
it's a tape loop that I
really don't want to run
just now. It's a tape loop
that is always running.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
sadness as a default doesn't
mean I don't know happiness.
I do. And I relish it when
I feel it. So it isn't about
me feeling sad and that
being a bad thing. It's
just about talking out loud
about it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember days spent dreaming.
Dreaming of the things that
would happen. The way it
would be. Lots of dreaming.
Lots of letters from teachers
saying I was very smart
but I day dreamed too much.
I dream too much. I don't
do enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
Well. Yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wanna go have a coffee with
a friend and talk. But my
friends don't live the kinds
of lives in which I can
just have that impulse and
call and have it happen.
My friends have jobs and
kids and partners and hobbies
and therapy sessions and
body work and previously
scheduled time with a friend.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
Honestly. I don't talk much
when I'm sad. My throat
is tight. My eyes are full.
And it isn't like there's
a way to talk about it.
It is what it is. It may
be best to just feel through
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
look. I can type. So I am.
Because it feels like it's
the one thing I can do.
Most of the time. I can
put words on the screen.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1201)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1201"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e903" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e903"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e903"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e713"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
On Saturday I watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60027708">Together</a>.
I cried through the last
half of the movie. Which
is not to say that it is
a sad movie. It's a sweet
movie with lots of laugh
out loud moments. In the
end it's about people coming
through for each other in
surprising ways. That's
a theme that always gets
to me. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was young I couldn't cry.
My throat got so tight it
hurt. Even if I was alone.
In the last five years or
so I cry a lot. It feels
good. Especially when you
need it and I needed it
on Saturday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
last few posts have drawn
two comments that I felt
were misunderstandings of
what I wrote. I began to
wonder if I hadn't written
well. I wondered that at
that time I was writing.
There is no doubt that emotion
plays a part in how measured
I can be when I'm writing.
I make every effort to be
measured and I think I've
been writing a lot about
my personal struggle to
hold onto a sense of balance
and keep an open heart in
the face of an election
that makes me feel furious
and grief stricken. Since
that message may not be
clear, let me say it very
clearly. I am struggling
to maintain a sense of balance
and an open heart in the
face of an election that
makes me feel furious and
grief stricken. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember this in the days
after the 9/11. Because
in my MFA program I was
meeting lots of new people,
I was braced in my communications
with people. I remember
so many moments of feeling
cautious and feeling the
need to be clear and informed
in my opinion. I also remember
what a relief it was to
talk with people with whom
I knew agreed. I could be
sloppy and rhetorical and
just dump the feeling. Get
It out of my system and
then go back to the business of
trying to learn what I needed
to know to make my points.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
after the election I read
things on blogs that made
me cringe even when I agreed.
But I also read people giving
voice to the powerful and
difficult emotions brought
up by this election. I watched
people doing what I felt
I was doing. Moving through
the cycles of emotion and
trying to tell the truth.
And I watched people who
didn't seem to care about
how they said what they
said. They just gave voice
to their rage. And I think
they have that right. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
generally interested in
keeping the conversation
going. I think I do work
really hard to have a tone
in my communications that
allows for people to disagree
with me and still holds
the line on what I'm trying
to say. I may not always
be successful. And last
night as I watched the news and
saw the film of soldiers
kicking doors and heard
the rationals for the <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/meast/11/08/iraq.falluja.hospital/index.html">invasion
of hospitals</a> my desire
to be fair and have an open
heart began to dwindle.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am always suspicious of
broad brush hyperbolic ideas
about what's going on. Things
are rarely simple. And.
Also. Too. I have my opinions
and a need to say things
in a big, over blown, wound
up, emotion driven manner.
And I take comfort in that
kind of writing sometimes.
So it is a struggle. And
it probably should be.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I couldn't even come up
with a post because I was
lost to the extreme. I chose
to remain silent. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I was trying to cope
with some feelings of being
misunderstood. I thought
about James Carville and
Mary Matlin. I sometimes
wonder how they manage to
have a conversation that
isn't a fight. They are
both centrists in their
parties. But they both have
the job of articulating
the agenda of their parties.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Whenever
I fill out one of
those what-is-your-blog-about
things I say something about
it being what ever I'm thinking
about on any given day.
I often think about political
things. And I think it's
pretty clear that I am not
a centrist. I did not vote
for anyone this time. I
voted against someone. I'm
sick of that. I'm sick of
feeling like there is so
much at stake. I don't really
think that the extreme right
is who voted this guy in.
I think it was them and
a lot of other more centrist
people who generally like
the economic polices of
the Republican party and/or
don't think it's a good
idea to change leaders in
the middle of a war and
let's face it, Kerry wasn't
that compelling. And then
there's the morals stuff.
I think it's pretty clear
where I stand on all of
those issues. Of great comfort
to me was the conversation
I had with my extremely
conservative mother who
does not agree with me on
the issues but doesn't think
the government should tell
people how to live. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I'll start thinking more
about recipes. Or write
little essays as I walk
through the world. Or what
ever. I've always tried
to write to where the blood
is flowing. I try to be
mindful of the blog world
and link to other people
who are writing and posting
beautiful art. I try to
be balanced and open hearted.
And sometimes I fail. Maybe
it's a time for just sayin
what you feel and not worrying
about how you get it said.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wanted to point to some
new art that Craig did because
I am such a fan of his art.
And I find that I am worried
that the art speaks too
strongly about things. And
I find it more troubling
that I am spending one minute
worrying about that. Because
it is glorious and exact
and as I listen to the rational
for the ramp up in Falluja
in preparations for the
installed democracy I find
myself thinking about one
of his pieces. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="197">
<tr>
<td width="191">
<p><a href="http://www.owwmyeye.com/"><img src="Craigart.jpeg" width="195" height="260" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure how to keep a tone
that makes sure anyone who
reads me will feel like
I am balanced and have an
open heart. Not when there
is so much at stake. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I come back to that
feeling I had as I watched
the movie. The movie has
nothing to do with politics.
It's about family and music
and destiny and class and
it's about how people come
through for each other in
surprising ways. People
do come through for each
other in surprising ways.
These are peckish times.
I don't think we have to
agree with each other about
everything. But we do need
to keep talking. And it
may not always go well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1203)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1203"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e904" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e904"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e904"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e714"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In the middle of the night
I woke from a dream and thought about how I would write
it up for the blog. But you know how it goes. I went
back to sleep and woke up with dream fragments. None
of which made sense. I do remember one part in which
I found a bunch of posts from a blogger who hasn't been
writing and I wondered how I'd missed them. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
<a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a> and
<a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=4639">Chris</a>
had a hearing about <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/11/09/BAGPA9OE901.DTL">some
legislation</a> intended to limit condo conversions.
It was a long and contentious meeting and will be heard
by the full board. I was struck by the tenuous
negotiation between trying to make sure the poorest
among us are protected and trying not to hurt the people
who scrape it together to buy a small house. In SF that
means a lot of scraping. Attempts to craft the legislation
were subverted by emotion. Matt always keeps his cool.
Chris has a harder time. He has been under more personal
attack than most local politicians, so I understand.
And I like his passion, so I'm not put off by his tantrums.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
SF this is a constant battle ground. The rights of the
poor pitched against the consumption of the rich with
the neither rich nor poor but trying very hard to get
ahead squeezed in the middle. I think it's that way
everywhere but it really seems to play out in our city
hall, again and again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me it's compelling because of the public testimony.
There was a woman who was recently married and her landlord
won't allow the husband to move in because, in the lease,
it says only one person can live there. I'm assuming
that things like that in a lease are about costs
like water, or wear and tear. What I don't get is why
the lease can't be adjusted to accommodate the second
tenant. Except I know that landlords sometimes use things
like this to evict people who aren't paying market rate.
And then there's the young woman who worked really hard
to buy a two unit place with some friends. She's worried
that the legislation will hurt her in some way that
I couldn't entirely parse. But she isn't a big money
person. She's just trying to own her home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">With
property and business owner ship comes privilege and
responsibility and some times hardship. What about
the people who never get to the place where they can
do anything but rent and work for someone? How do we
make sure they can have a base line of assurance? These
are the questions that drive well intended progressive
politicians and better them than me. I am too bewildered
by the numbers and too irritated by rhetoric and I want
everyone to be happy. I've heard people say that good
public policy makes no one completely happy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
live in a progressive bubble. The mayor, who I still
don't trust, does <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/11/09/BAGPA9O8SI1.DTL">fairly</a>
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/11/08/EDGD99EOOC1.DTL">radical</a>
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/10/28/BAGLB9HPRV1.DTL">things</a>
and the board of supervisors fights for the rights of
tenants and workers. But it is never simple. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1204)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1204"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e905" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e905"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e905"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e715"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I was just in the kitchen washing
the dishes. And the sun pushed through the thick grey
of the day. The room filled up with light. Kinda like
when the house lights come on in a theater. </span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1205)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1205"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e906" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e906"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e906"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e716"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Yesterday, on the news, there
were two stories. One was
about an <a href="http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/business/110904ap_business_weight_loss_claims.html">FTC
suit of phoney weight loss
companies</a> and the other
was about <a href="http://www.kron4.com/Global/story.asp?S=1702380">a
new pill that can help you
quit smoking and lose weight</a>.
At least once I heard a
news person say the lead
for both stories back to
back without even a blink. No notice of the way those
two stories bump into one another. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are getting use to double speak. We went to Iraq because
there were weapons of mass destruction. When there are
none we're there to liberate the people from an evil
dictator. The war declared over and mission accomplished
but it goes on and on and on. We're in Falluja to rid
the city of insurgents. Insurgent leaders fled before
the battle began. The battle is successful. Context
shifting. Debate reframeing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
tell me to turn it all off and I do. More and more often.
Because it becomes so mind bending. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was news that <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/11/10/BAGRJ9P2MD1.DTL">caught
my attention</a>. I started looking for <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/2004/11/10/01.45.03/">George</a>
on line. Of course <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/allaboutgeorge/sets/35249/">he
was there. Taking pictures.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Later
that same day: I woke up this morning from a dream in
which I was in a check out line and as I woke up I was
literally feeling for my wallet and not finding it,
oddly enough. I had to get up and find it because I
was so worried. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
was how my day began. And then I talked on the phone
and responded to some e-mail and addax. All the while
I was working on this post. I just now realized that
I never finished it and clicked on publish. Mind bending.
That's my excuse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1206)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1206"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e907" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e907"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e907"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:37
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e717"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I. Uh. Hmmm. Well. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
been a few <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/11/11/MNG2P9PJ5M1.DTL">news
reports</a> about the people who are questioning the
election. All of them take a diminishing tone, which,
no matter how you feel about whether or not there needs
to be a complete count of the votes, is not the way
news should be reported. In my opinion. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
it turned out that the vote had been tampered with and
Kerry challenged it and things were reversed I would,
in some ways, be thrilled. In other ways, I would think
it would be a set up for four years of Kerry being blocked
and harassed in ways that would make the blocking and
harassment of Clinton look like nitpicking. I also think
the whole battle would play out between all of us. Things
would get ugly. And. Maybe that would be OK. So I have
mixed feeling about the out come. But I have no mixed
feelings about the righteousness of the people who are
asking the questions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
have that right. They are not conspiracy theorists.
They are hard working people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="315">
<tr>
<td width="309">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Perhaps this can
all be dismissed. Perhaps rants like the one posted by 'TruthIsAll' are
nothing more than sour grapes from the side that lost. Perhaps all of
the glitches, wrecked votes, unprecedented voting trends and partisan
voting-machine connections can be explained away. If so, this reporter
would very much like to see those explanations. At a bare minimum, the
fact that these questions exist at all represents a grievous
undermining of the basic confidence in the process required to make
this democracy work. Democracy should not ever require leaps of faith,
and we have put the fate of our nation into the hands of machines that
require such a leap. It is unacceptable across the board, and calls
into serious question not only the election we just had, but any future
election involving these machines. (<a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/110804A.shtml">more</a>)
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Karen
sent me e-mail about people who are working on it all
and ways to push the point and <a href="http://www.moveon.org/investigatethevote/">Move
On is taking it up</a> as well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://blackboxvoting.org/">Black
Box Voting</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://votewatch.us/">Vote
Watch</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'm gonna write some letters and make some calls but
I don't have a feeling that it will mean Kerry gets
the job. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="407">
<tr>
<td width="401"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> </font><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;">To trigger an
automatic recount, which would reconsider the "spoiled ballots," Kerry
needs to reduce Bush's lead to some 19,000 votes, according to
Democratic Party officials. Given the current tally, this would require
winning over 90% of 140,000 qualified provisional ballots, and half of
the overseas military absentees, or a comparable mix. Not likely, even
to a Red Sox fan. </span></font></p><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Otherwise,
the Kerry camp would have to request a recount, which they will not do
unless the provisional votes reduce Bush's lead sufficiently to make
the "spoiled ballots" look irresistible. </span></font></p><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica"><span style="font-size:9pt;">To
make Kerry's odds even tougher, the man running the game - Secretary of
State Ken Blackwell -also co-chairs the Ohio committee to re-elect
George Bush. A former mayor of Cincinnati, Undersecretary of HUD, and
U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Human Rights Commission,
Blackwell is one of the national GOP's most prominent African-American
officials and a leading candidate to replace Bob Taft as Governor of
Ohio. More to the point, he publicly spearheaded Republican efforts in
the state to reduce the number of his fellow African-Americans whose
votes would go to the Democrats. (<a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/111104A.shtml">more</a>)
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just think that after all is said and done we should
have elections in this country that are less suspect.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with dissent.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1207)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1207"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e908" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e908"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e908"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e718"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.distortionthebook.com/beachy.html">Stephen</a>
sent e-mail that he was
reading at <a href="http://www.booksinc.net/NASApp/store/IndexJsp;jsessionid=B9FA619E1FF28CF30FEDD14FC19C15EC.t4?s=storeinfo&page=209246">Books
Inc</a>. I wrote back that
I make jokes about having
agoraphobia that are less
and less funny all the time
but that I would be there.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
had been raining all night
and was raining in the morning
and I began to make deals
with the gods about sun
for ... well that was the
problem. I had not much
to offer. Not even reverence.
And then it got sunny and
so I said thank you. Just
in case. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
I walked to the trolley
it was beginning again and
I grumbled something to
who ever might be listening.
As the trolley rounded onto
Market it was pouring and
gray and as moody and miserable
a storm as ever could be.
I do like the rain. I just
like it better when I'm
inside. And I was inside
the trolley but I was worried
that it would keep up and
I would have to walk in it. Just
before Fifth the sun burst
through. Just like the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e905">other
morning</a>. By the time
we were at Castro it was
dripping a bit. Nothing
too bad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
me. That's the way I am.
I catastrophize. I laugh
at myself when it turns
out that things are not
only not bad but might even
be good and then it's neither
terrible nor beautiful.
Just drippy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
about half way through the
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=2-0231122845-0">book
about Klein</a>. It
isn't the best trolley read.
Not with teenagers calling
their dad on cell phones
to beg for a ride home and
couples arguing about money
in a combination
of English and Tagalong
and young boys with something
like Tourett's or maybe
just an interest in seeing
how long dad would make
the effort to explain the
reason why the abrupt explosions
of ear splitting sound the
boy was making were not good
public behavior. Psychoanalytic
theory from a French feminist
perspective doesn't get
through the demand of all
that cacophony. This, by
the way, is the book in
the trilogy on life, madness
and words. This one being
on madness. I'll tell ya
about madness. Trying to
read the book on the trolley.
That was madness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of the people I like the
best don't suffer psychoanalytic
theory of the neo Freudian
variety. I understand why.
But. I like this project.
I like the idea of reading
the lives of specific women
though their work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to <a href="http://www.peets.com/shop/shop.asp">Peet's</a>
to wait for Deb. Easier
to read there. Only the
sound of a guy talking about
what cut backs in funds
are doing to exacerbate
homelessness, a woman who
was telling him about her
study of pre-Christian
religions and two guys talking
in the nothing I'm saying
really matters I just need
to be near you kind of way. The
two guys were sitting to
my right at a table slightly
higher than mine so I could
see all the under the table
touching of thighs. Not
that I was looking. Not
with all that psychoanalytic
theory to hold my attention.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
came and we went for dinner.
I had tuna noodle casserole.
Really. It was so good.
Not canned tuna. It was
fresh tuna and peas and it was
creamy and warm and the
perfect thing on a rainy
day. We went back to Peet's
and Stephen was there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always feel loud and bombastic
and needy around Stephen.
I think it's because I love
the way he thinks about
things and he's someone
who made a difference in
the way I think. And he's
quiet. And thoughtful. And
specific. I
noticed that I was doing
lots of negative self speak.
Just like <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2004.htm#e871">when
Val was here</a>. It's another
one of the things I do.
I say the bad thing I think
the person is thinking before
they can say it. But I don't
really think Val or Stephen
would be thinking bad things
about me so I don't
know why I did it around
them. I'm the one thinking
bad things about me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
this one section in <a href="http://www.distortionthebook.com/mona.html">Distortion
that stays with me like
a dream</a>. That's been
a theme lately. Dreams.
Life. Which is which? Stephen
writes about people in a
way that makes every thing
about them seem like something
you might have felt yourself.
Even when there's just no
way. When I was reading
the book I was struck by
how detached I am from my
own sexual desire. I just
don't pay attention. Almost.
I am aware of it sometimes
but I have no sense of agency
and no sense of possibility.
It's just something <a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/cgi-bin/sgdynamo.exe?CODIV=0102&UID=2004111122444375&HTNAME=store/toy_feature.html">I
take care of myself</a>
every once in awhile. In
fact, I think I go out of
my way to not notice the
touches of the thigh under
the table.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Back
on the trolley, when the
rain was coming down, I
remembered that tiny bit
of time in the early part
of this summer when I thought
that something wonderful
was happening. For just
a little while I thought
I might be loved. In that
way. You know? And it was
so ... intoxicating. And
then it became clear that
I was wrong. And I fought
the idea. Until I couldn't
fight any more. And then
I just worked on. Getting
over it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
The reading. Stephen was wonderful. Gifted
me with a new character
and new dreamscape full
of gauchos and the beautiful
twin of a longed for object
of desire and ideas of wicked
and torn up drawings and
smacks on the butt. All
this after a bunch of unfocused
reading
about object theory and
the anxiety of desire and
rain that turned to sun
that turned to drips. Sidewalks
with yellow leaves pasted
to them with wet. Dramas.
Inner and outer. Imagined.
Projected. Feared. Realized.
Overheard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a woman in front of
me who had green and purple
hair and tattoos and too
tight black clothing and
a volume level that rivaled
the young boy on the trolley but
without the father explaining
the etiquette of public
space. In front of her was
a man dressed in leather.
Leather covered with buttons
and patches and slogans
and spikes.
And silver jewelry. And
the look of someone who
may have been high. And
ya know I see people like
this every day and lets
remember that I have two
tattoos and a pierced nose.
So it wasn't so much that
I thought they were odd.
I just felt like I'd seen
them before. Standing in
front of <a href="http://www.cbgb.com/">CBGB</a>.
Or was it at the <a href="http://www.hotelchelsea.com/newmain.html">Chelsea</a>?
Or was it in a dream? Everything
began to feel <a href="http://www.cowboybooks.com.au/html/acidtrip1.html">like
I was on Acid.</a> And I
felt like a blank space.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="347">
<tr>
<td width="341">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">If
the initial
preverbal relationship
with the mother
is gratifying,
it establishes
a degree of
contact with
the unconscious
of both the
mother and the
child so complete
and so gratifying
that nostalgia
impresses it
into the psyche.
Speechless though
it may be, this
contact affords
the sensation
of being understood,
a sensation
that is so all-encompassing
that it enhances
the depressive
impression of
having suffered
an irreplaceable
loss. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
hope of rediscovering
total understanding
by reunifying
the ego's split
off and misunderstood
parts can be
thus expressed
by the fantasy
of having a
twin, as Bion
has suggested.
This hope can
also appear
in the form
of an internalized
object that
deserves unwavering
trust. But when
the integration
of the parts
of ego remains
inaccessible,
the feeling
of nonintegration
or exclusion
surges forth,
and we become
convinced "that
there is no
person or group
to which one
belongs."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(From
the book. Not
sequential.)
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Madness.
Well. Ya know. Acid trip.
I'm tellin ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got home and my copy of
<a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/products_id/29?osCsid=16c5dd3ab">Amber's
book</a> was in my mail
box. It is beautiful and
soothing. Like tuna noodle
casserole. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And then there
was the news of <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/11/11/MNGB59PKL01.DTL">Iris
Chang</a>. I can't quite
explain why the news hit me the way it did or even exactly
how it hit me. I wasn't that sad when it was raining.
I wasn't that happy in the sun. I wasn't really annoyed
or engaged by people on the trolley or at the reading.
I was just moving through it all. It seemed like a tape
loop was running and I needed to take notes. You know.
In case there was a test. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1208)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1208"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e909" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e909"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e909"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e719"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I haven't been talking about
my Sim playing and I have
been playing. Mostly on
the weekends when there's lots of good radio and Book
TV. The game is absorbing enough to play with out any
background noise but I like to think there is something
feeding my brain. The game does give me lots to think
about but I always think that reflects my inability
to play. I take it all too seriously. It really is
just like the hours I spent playing with dolls as a
kid. Telling myself little stories the whole time. This
<a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">new game</a> has more
story telling possibility. You are really telling the
story of the whole town. It's a soap opera. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the stages of life: infant, toddler, child,
teen, adult and elder. And then you die. Sims death
is very cute. There are hula girls. Singing Aloha Oe.
And you get to be a ghost. But still. There will be
an end to your narrative line. As it were. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
find that I rush the baby stage. All the baby does is
need. Food. Diaper changes. In the middle of the night.
So when the notice comes in that the baby is about to
become a toddler you can either wait a day or take the
baby to a cake where, after everyone sings of course,
it will spin in the air and become a toddler. Toddlers
need potty training and they need to learn to walk and
talk, all of which depends on adult participation. It's
also a time when the Sim can play with toys and gain
skill points. I remember reading about a trend in which
parents were trying to teach their babies things at
a very young age and thinking it was a bit over the
top. With my Sims, I am that parent. Ironically, the
toddlers and kids always want to be read to and I never
do that. I'd like to think I would read to kids. I have
read to kids who I know. But in the game you're always
thinking about how to make the most of your time. More
so now that the hula girls are waiting in the wings.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
rush the toddler phase a little bit. The kid phase and
teen phase are all about making friends and developing
more skills. Being an adult is about career and family.
And what is being an elder about? That was the question
that began hours of me staring at the screen wondering.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
can retire. They get pension checks. But they don't
seem to like that. What do you do if you aren't working?
Swim, paint, read, play chess. Seems good to me but
they want jobs. Part time jobs. But still. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was the idea that, in a couple, if one person
dies, the other person will be there alone. Waiting
to die. Ewww. My solution was to move in one of the
kids and their family. It's very cool. Three generations,
living together. Soon to be four if I can fend off the
hula girls. There are ways. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first generation of the kids of adults who came with
the game are about to launch and this has me hand wringing
and teeth gnashing. I want everything to be perfect.
What does perfect mean? Oh. That's so complicated. There's
an aspiration meter and ... oh. Never mind. Let's just
say that the layers of meaning making are thick. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are things that happen that make me laugh out loud.
And, with all the life transitions, I have felt sentimental
and weepy, which makes me feel a bit odd. To say the
least. See what I mean? I just can't play. But
what always gets me to stop playing is that it's just
too much like life. That and the overwhelming responsibility
of being a god. Er, uh, goddess. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1209)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1209"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e910" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e910"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e910"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e720"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Thirty years or more ago, if
you had told me there would be an African American woman
in a position of power in the national government, I
would have thrust my chubby fist into the air and said,
"right on!" </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Picture
me. Sitting here. Head in hands. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/11/16/rice.powell/index.html">No.
No. No.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a sore tooth. I'm not sure if it's my tooth or
my gum and I mostly notice it at night. It wakes me
up. I think I might be grinding my teeth as I sleep.
It feels like such a neurotic thing to do. And yet.
So understandable. All things considered. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1210)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1210"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e911" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e911"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e911"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e721"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I had my soap opera on. They
were dealing with <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/showguide/fullstory.html">racism</a>
because of an event in the house. The group leaders
asked each person if they were racist and all but one
said no. The one who didn't say no didn't exactly say
yes. She said she knew that she stereotyped. Kind of
a side step. I hate when people say no to that question.
I especially hate it when white people say no. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you ask me I always say yes. Do I want to be? Of course
not. Do I cultivate it in myself. No. But I know where
I grew up. <a href="http://www.museum.tv/archives/etv/A/htmlA/amosnandy/amosnandy.htm">Amos
and Andy</a> was on television when I was a kid. I don't
remember having thoughts of hate toward people of color,
or even feeling superior. I do remember having thoughts
of difference. As I grew older I challenged those ideas.
Should I be congratulated? I think not. I think that
should be the default response. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
neighborhood was white collar working class. Social
division was between me (a Methodist) and the Catholic
kids. The people of color I saw were on the bus. My
mother, when asked, was adamant about there being no
difference but none of the kids I knew were being bombed
in their church. My families reaction was to blame it
on the south. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
live in a country that begins with stories of three
ships crossing the ocean and then more ships filled
with people looking for freedom and then a document
written with words about freedom that ignored the people
who were clearly not free. Ignored them until the country
split apart and even then lacked the will to forge a
meaningful equity. Not until it was demanded did
the will for equity begin to develop. And still. Still,
we have work to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of us want to be thought of as a good person. Many of
us want to think well of others. It doesn't feel good
to say yes to that question. It feels terrible. I wonder
how much worse it must feel to deal with racism every
day and not be able to pretend it happens else where.
A little bit of uncomfortable truth doesn't seem like
too much to bear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I am rethinking my earlier post. If you see me now I
will thrust my fat fist into the air and say, "right
on." It won't have the ring of pleasure it might
have if it were <a href="http://www.house.gov/lee/">someone
I respect.</a> But still. Some things have changed.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1211)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1211"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e912" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e912"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e912"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e722"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Back in the day, when I had
a job, I went to the dentist.
I didn't have health insurance
from the job but I was
making enough money to go.
My dentist gave me a thing
(like a brace but it's not
called a brace) to correct
my bite. I had to wear it
all the time for a month
and then I could just wear
it at night. I don't think
there was anything terribly
wrong with my bite but it was
the guy's specialty. The
next step was supposed to
include sanding down some
teeth but that was more
money and time and discomfort
and I didn't want to do
it. And then I started school
and that was the end of
the cash. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I wore "the thing"
(what the heck was it called?)
and had no pain from the
tooth. It does set the top
teeth forward, in a way.
Hard to explain. But it
worked. There may still
be problems with the tooth.
And there may be a day when
I have a job and can go
to the dentist. Won't that
be nice?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was thinking about it all.
Of course. Heath insurance.
My inability (or is it unwillingness)
to take it
seriously. Health care.
Culturally. Personally.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I read <a href="http://lynne.tblog.com/">Lynn</a>
following her from the lovely
comment she left me. Bias
is indeed everywhere. She
wrote a post that I found
poignant in which she talks
about body image issues.
Ironically I, fat positive
rebel that I am, was just
thinking about the same
thing. I was thinking about
it because of my Sims. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the first game I found the
fat body site and had so
much fun <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e821">making
the Sim me.</a> In this
game being fat means being
unfit and shows up as all
belly and butt. I love bellies
and butts so that's OK but
it isn't really accurate.
Arms are fat. Legs are fat.
Faces are fat. So there is no Sim me in
my Sims 2. And I find that
I react to the way weight
shows up on some of the
bodies. Certain Sims look
very cute to me fat. Other's
don't. Why? It's completely
subjective and I know that
my eye has been poisoned
by the media. So, despite
the work that I have done
to see differently, I am
still subject to the bias.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just a lot of work to deprogram
and the work is always subverted
if you watch any TV or see
magazines in the store or
just deal with any media
at all, ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
Lynn's comments someone
mentions the "l</span></font><span class="comments" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">egitimate concerns about health and rising costs of medical care-</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
" and goes on to talk about why that may be part of fat hatred. It's a
cool comment taken as a whole but I want
to challenge the word legitimate.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Insurance
companies. The people who
say that if you give them
a little bit of money every
month they will help pay
your medical bills. It is
a business and would not
be a viable business if
people got sick all the
time and needed lots of
medical care. And they aren't
likely to insure people
who are going to have big
medical bills. At least
not at low cost. So how
do they go about figuring
out who gets the higher
costs? How do you measure
health? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Big
question. I wouldn't want
to try and answer it. We
do know that insurance companies
sometimes (cough) find reasons
not to pay for care. And
then there are HMOs. And ideas about preventative care.
I think
ideas of preventative care
are good, generally. But
bodies are very complex.
One person's prevention
is another person's poison. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
terms of weight, insurance
companies came up with BMI
as a measure for health.
There is much debate about
the use of BMI as a measurment.
It's
interesting to think about
the fact that the insurance
companies can change the
numbers at will. Which they
did. So people went to bed
one night at a healthy weight
and woke up the next day
at what is considered
an unhealthy weight. Think
about that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is not my area of expertise.
There <a href="http://www.naafa.org/Convention2001/gaesser.html">are
people</a> who study this
stuff who make the argument
better that I can. What
I know is my own life and
the lives of my friends.
I don't get much health
care, which is more about
money than weight. I have
a great fat neutral doctor
now (who I only see when
I'm really sick and I pay
cash.) but I have avoided
doctors because of fat phobia.
I know lots of fat people
who avoid doctors. I'm not
causing the rise in health
care cost.
The ideas about who I am
are causing the rising costs.
And who comes up with those
ideas? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is money being made. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
there were two news stories telling me that if I <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/HEALTH/11/17/fighting.fat.ap/index.html">got
more sleep and bought a dog I would lose weight.</a>
Experts. Experts said so. See now. My tooth woke me
up. I lost sleep and now I'm fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
I'm getting kooky. I know. But it makes me feel kooky.
It's one thing to have a media that tells you what beauty
looks like and it's another to have constant crap coming
at you about health and weight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend was telling me about a show on which they talked
about a girl who went to doctors about her weight. They
ran her through the same old tired eat less exercise
more trip again and again until finally she found a
doctor who thought out side of that blame the fat person
thing and figured out that she had <a href="http://health.discovery.com/encyclopedias/585.html">Cushing's
Syndrome.</a> She's received some kind of treatment
and she has lost weight. I don't really know the details
because I didn't see the show. Whether or not she lost
weight and whether or not that is a healthier thing
is a whole conversation but, for me, is ultimately about
how she feels. My point is that her weight was part
of a complex adrenal disfunction and she was blamed
for it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that's just one example. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Someone.
Some where. Might wonder if I found out that I had Cushing
Syndrome and could lose weight by taking some kind of
pill, would I. I really don't think so. I can't say.
Some of my weight could be about some amount of adrenal
disfunction. Adrenal glands are all about dealing with
stress. The world is stressful. The world is stressful
in ways that are new. And worse. So my fat grandmother
and my fat mother give me a genetic predisposition and
then I live in this world. I mean, who really knows
and I don't really care. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are two things that are true at the same time. I am
not a particularly healthy person. Nor a particularly
unhealthy person. I think my heath issues have to be
read in the context of my whole life. I have had and
sometimes still do have a really ambivalent relationship
with my body. Some of that comes to me naturally and
some of that is reinforced by culture. I can work from
the inside out. And I think the culture can meet me
half way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first saw the picture on Lynn's blog I thought she
was (is) such a cutie! And why would anyone think anything
else? I'm always imagining a scene in which I am standing
in a public space next to a thin or average sized person.
The person eats lots of crap food and never moves and
smokes and drinks and yadda yadda. I eat vegetables
and fruit and some crap food (although it's usually
pretty high falooten crap food) (what with being a foody
and all) swim, do yoga and walk. Which of us healthy?
And now add the impact of the hostility directed at
me when I am in public because of my weight and the
absence of that kind of hostility for the thin or average
sized. Health impact? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anyway.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
tooth is OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1212)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1212"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e913" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e913"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e913"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:20
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e723"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I woke up from a night of complicated
dreams ending with me in a room and a big kids choir
was walking in to sing. I was so happy to be there to
hear them. In the middle of the night I woke up convinced
that there was going to be an earthquake. <a href="http://www.nbc11.com/earthquakes/2227965/detail.html">There
may have been one</a>. There will be one. Some day.
I've never been here for a big one. The little ones
are weird enough. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
linked up this site about <a href="http://www.victoriasdirtysecret.net/article.php?list=type&type=6">Victoria's
Secret and the catalogue bomb.</a> It is the time of
year when my mail box is full of catalogues every day.
I was looking at a Pottery Barn one the other day and
thinking about the shiny new smooth lines in the pictures.
Just like bodies. We like everything smooth and new.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a bed room set that was gifted to me by someone
I didn't even know that well. She was moving and knew
I needed a bed. Extremely kind, I thought. It's kind
of vintage. There's a label that says it's genuine Fashion
Flow Furniture. Kind of forties looking. Not something
I would have picked but after ten years I've become
quite attached to it. Most of my furniture is getting
old. Not smooth. My cushy chair has lost some cush.
But I like it. Sometimes I want a new one. But I'd rather
just get some more cush for this one. Pictures can be
seductive. I'd be tempted. You know. If I had some money.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night on the news there were mothers of soldiers saying
that they didn't like the way the media covered
Iraq. They thought it was too negative. Ironic.
Since I think the news is a propaganda machine
FOR the war. The mothers pointed to a <a href="http://www.nbc11.com/newslinks/3928471/detail.html">list
of soldier's blogs,</a> which are pretty interesting.
Filled with pro war rhetoric. But interesting. I found
myself pondering the fact that so many people feel the
way they do about it all. Since it is so opposite of
my own feelings. It's not so much about right and wrong.
It's about how we get to where we are.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up a little later than usual and am a bit spacier
that usual. Or maybe not. Heh. I have the local news
on the TV as I write. They are reporting that there
is an obesity virus. <a href="http://archives.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/07/28/fat.virus.ap/">This
isn't new news.</a> Just after the report they talk
to a comedy guy who is in town and they all make jokes
about donuts filled with the virus. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Shaking.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
dismay. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
big dismay. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
a whatthefuck kind of shaking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
gonna go take a shower and do some laundry and apartment
cleaning. Right now it looks like there might have been
an earthquake on my desk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1213)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1213"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e914" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e914"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e914"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e724"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Have you had ever had a dream
in which you are trying to wake up but you can't so
that when you actually do wake up it feels like you've
been swimming up from some indescribably deep place
? That's how life feels to me right now. Which I suppose
sounds terribly dreary. But I guess I hope that being
able to describe it might mean that I am about to wake
up. Or have woken up. Or sumthin.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.nextwavefilms.com/southern/">Southern
Comfort</a> last night. I wonder how it must feel to
be a male to female transgendered person with botched
breast reduction surgery watching the new television
shows in which doctors do painstaking work to get a
nose, or an eye, or a hip into just the right cookie
cutter shape we are told is beauty. It's a movie that
makes the life of the transgendered people real. Accessible.
Heart breaking. And normal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
one of things I always hope I do. Describe the life
of someone who is fat in a way that takes away the onerous
rhetoric about blame and shame. Which is not to say
that there isn't difficulty. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
October I vowed that I would push myself to write every
day. And I have been unsuccessful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Obviously.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1214)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1214"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e915" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e915"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e915"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e725"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
After I wrote my post and did
the usual morning stuff
yesterday I walked over to Trader
Joe's to get some <a href="http://www.anaspastry.com/">muffins</a>.
I was thinking about why
it's so hard to write these
days, why I blog, why blogging
is so hard right now, and
on and on and on. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
blog because it's a way
to write. I remember a teacher
in my MFA program said he
didn't write for a year
after he graduated from
his MFA program. I am not
hypergraphic. Sometimes
language just leaves me.
But the blog has kept me
writing. And that has been
good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
keeps me going is enormous
gratitude for the people
who stop by to read
and more gratitude than
can be measured for the
people who stop by more
than once and the friendships
I've made in the blog world
and the writing. The desire
to write. So these fallow
times are miserable.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Later
I listened to the supes
while they made the choice
to <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/11/23/BAGFU9VS9H42.DTL">not
censure Chris Daly</a>.
It was one of those meetings
with hours of public testimony
most of which was pro Chris.
I met Chris years ago when
I was selling coffee. He
is intense. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He lost his
cool. It wasn't a good thing.
Oh well. He shouldn't have
said the bad word. But censure?
Oh no, no, no. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
big on decorum and the need
for public officials to
keep their cool. I really
had to think about the fact
that I didn't want the big
deal made of what happened.
I am more aligned with Chris
politically. Does that mean
I don't want him to be held
to a standard of civility?
Oh. Maybe. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
there was this thing. Chris represents a district in
which most of the people are working class and poor.
There is so much need there. He works very hard as was
witnessed by the line of people there to speak
for him. The supervisor who brought the motion to censure
represents a district of money. The whole thing had
a feel of the master of the house calling the servants
to task for being too uppity. I really don't think that
was her intention. I don't think she has a clue about
her deeply held sense of entitlement. Chris made a public
apology to her but she wanted more. She wanted a public
apology to the lobbyist Chris told off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
affection for hours of public
testimony reminded me of
what I like about blogging.
Oddly enough. I think blogging
subverts the star/expert
culture. More and more we
hear political blogs and
bloggers being quoted in
the mainstream media. So
there is a way in which
blogging can be swallowed
by the star/expert culture.
But there will always be the bloggers who aren't
stars, or experts, or pundit. I may have my star/expert/pundit
wanna be urges but I subvert myself by trying to be
honest and risking looking raggedy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been a raggedy year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
public testimony there is (often) every race, sexual
identity, sexual preference, ethnicity, size, language
challenged (by which I do not mean that they speak a
language other than English, although they do. I mean
some of them are less than articulate) poetic, bombastic,
rhetorical. whacked out point of view represented. It's
the real reality TV. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
talked with a friend on the phone. She reminded me of
something I said to her a few months ago. She said I
told her to "trust me". She was pushing me
about what I was going to do and I got prickly and we
were talking about how hard it can be to talk to me
when I'm in a certain mood. I have a vague memory of
the conversation. I think I've lost trust in my self.
In my life. Something about her feeding my own language
back to me clicked off a cascade of internal shifting
the result of which remains to be seen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
was thick. Thick with metaphor and thought and listening.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We'll
see.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1215)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1215"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e916" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e916"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e916"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e726"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Years ago, when I lived in
Boulder, I would cook big Thanksgiving meals and invite
everyone in town. I cooked for days. And, because it
was the eighties and because most of the people I knew
were musicians, there were always drugs. And booze.
Lots. The whole time I was cooking I was horking up
white powder so by the time diner was ready I had no
appetite. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
year, as soon as the food was on the table, I snuck
off to my bed room with a glass of wine and a smoke.
I just needed a minute. Karen went with me. We were
just chatting away when a young woman, the roommate
of a friend, not someone I knew very well at all, walked
in, gave us a strange look and projectile vomited all
over my bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Gross.
I know. It turned out that she was on mushrooms for
the first time and she had been drinking a lot of wine.
But here's the cool part of the story. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Karen
had all the soiled bedding off the bed and into garbage
bags ready to take to the laundromat, flipped the mattress
and remade the bed before I could finish my cigarette.
And you have to know that Karen was a very small woman.
Thin. Very thin and looked like a strong wind would
knock her down. But she had strength. There are better
stories I could tell to portray her strength and her
character but every year I remember her flipping that
mattress. So fast. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have been as unlucky as it possible to be when it comes
to romance but I have had more luck than can be measured
when it comes to friends. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marie
has the <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/11/if_you_need_me.html">perfect
Thanksgiving picture</a> up. But I also liked the <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/11/dont_shoot_me.html">one
she had up the other day</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
hope you eat too much. I hope you enjoy it all. I hope
you have too much of everything. Too many hugs. Too
many kisses. Too much of everything good. And if something
goes wrong, I hope you have a friend who takes care
of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1216)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1216"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e917" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e917"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e917"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e727"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
At about three o'clock I poured
a glass of wine and threw some potatoes in a pot. I
made some gravy and heated some already cooked turkey
up in it. I had a mixed green salad and some cranberries.
Good. It was all good. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/index">IFC</a>
was doing an all day <a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/what?CAT0=45&CAT1=301&TZ=ET&TB=4&CLR=blue&BCLR=00A8EC&AID=3107">Dinner
For Five</a> marathon. Kind of a drag since I have the
first disc of the first two seasons coming from Netflix.
I half watched a bunch of them while I played with <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">my
dolls.</a> The game has a bug. When a Sim gets
too many memories it won't do things that are interactive,
like eat a meal with other Sims, or hang out in the
hot tub, or talk on the phone. It sucks the fun out
of the game. They say there is a patch in the works.
They've been saying that for a month. My Sims are all
at the point where they have memories. So my game playing
has mostly stopped. I played around with building houses.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Late
in the evening I opened the back door to put out some
recycling and the air smelled like rain and cold in
the city. Pavement and wood smoke. I took a deep breath.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Ya know. It was a fine day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/2004/11/november-26-is-buy-nothing-day-good.html">Susan
posted</a> about <a href="http://www.adbusters.org/metas/eco/bnd/index.html">Buy
Nothing Day</a> before Thanksgiving. I won't be buying
anything. But. Ya know. I'm kinda broke. <a href="http://www.revbilly.com/">Reverend
Billy</a> is on the radio. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Mark</a>
linked up <a href="http://www.swarthmore.edu/NatSci/cpurrin1/textbookdisclaimers/">these
stickers.</a> The other day I was thinking that I am
in a certain amount of denial about the election and
the new (cough) moral America. Mark also linked <a href="http://www.turnyourbackonbush.org/index.html">a
campaign</a> that seems rather poetic to me. And yet,
I feel the need to wake up and look at it all with eyes
wide open. I still think it would be interesting if
<a href="http://www.nov3.us/">Ohio</a> speaks up in
a few days saying, "Uh. well. We did the count.
And. Uh. Kerry won." Things are plenty interesting
in <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/112704Y.shtml">other
countries</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://www.kpfa.org/morningshow/index.php">morning
show</a> has had two different people talking about
how the brain works. I'm not sure why. But there was
some rather good news. It used to be thought that you
were born with all the brain cells you would ever have.
Now they find that the brain builds new cells. New brain
cells. That is very good news indeed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1217)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1217"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e918" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e918"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e918"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:51
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e728"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Judy Collins was on <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/index.html">Now</a> last
night. Listening to her
tossed me into a sentimental
revelry. I had <a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/maid.html">many</a>
<a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/fifth_album.html">of</a>
<a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/wildflowers.html">her</a> <a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/who_knows.html">early</a>
<a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/colors_of_the_day.html">albums</a>
when I was seventeen. I
learned a lot about folk
music from her. And Joan
Baez. Odetta. Bob Dylan.
the first time I heard <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/ChelseaMorning.cfm">Chelsea
Morning</a> Judy Collins
was singing it. Years later
I heard the Clintons say
they named their daughter
after the Judy Collin's
song Chelsea Morning and
I cringed. I liked Judy
Collins. I loved Joni. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few years ago I bought a
disc of the <a href="http://www.judycollins.com/discography/the_stories.html">last
Judy Collins album</a> that
had any big meaning in my
life. I might some day like
all those early albums again.
I think it may have been
from Judy that learned about
Leonard Cohen. And now she
has an <a href="http://www.judycollins.com/index.html">disc
of his music.</a> (My favorite
person singing his music
might be <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=1798019">Jennifer
Warnes</a>) I am awash in
names of musicians song
lyrics this morning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was also from Judy that
learned about <a href="http://www.britannica.com/women/articles/Brico_Antonia.html">Antonia
Brico,</a> who I heard give
a lecture at the University
of Colorado. The take away
message was "I will
not be deflected from my
course." She
made us all say it out loud
with her again and again.
She was quite wonderful.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was a bit void of course
even then. I knew I wanted
to sing but I didn't think
I was good enough. And I
wasn't. In some ways. I
have a nice voice but nothing
grand or unique. I have
good stage presence. My
musicianship is really nil.
I just loved the feel of
lyrics moving through my
throat. I get the same feeling
when I write something that
I love. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also
on Now was <a href="http://www.royahakakian.com/">Roya
Hakakian.</a> Also filled
me with revelry and wonder
about the successes and
failures of <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/iran.html">social
revolutions.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
here I am on Saturday morning. Filled with revelry and
wonder and lyrics. Typing slow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1218)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1218"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e919" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e919"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e919"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:38
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e729"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I know there's supposed to
be a <a href="http://home.howstuffworks.com/question519.htm">tryptophan</a>
effect with turkey but I swear. Three days of turkey.
Three days of naps. Crash and burn naps. Needing a nap
always startles me. I don't like them. I have the weirdest
dreams during naps. But in the past year I have napped
more often. Age. Hormones. Lethargy. And now turkey.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60022003">Artemisia.</a>
I didn't know that it was a <a href="http://www.efn.org/%7Eacd/Artemisia.html#Paint">controversial
film.</a> I liked it well enough. Not overly much. I
didn't think that she was portrayed as being so inspired
by the guy. She seemed pretty self directed. But the
turkey and the naps may have softened my brain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1219)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1219"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e920" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e920"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e920"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e720"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Yesterday I woke up and just
had nothing to say. Not
a thing. During the day
thoughts would begin to
gather but nothing ever
formed. This morning
isn't feeling any more inspired.
Except, one of my neighbors
is cooking bacon. It smells
so good. I'm thinking about
knocking on doors and begging.
I'm eating oatmeal with
dried cranberries and an
oat bran, blueberry, raspberry
muffin. It's all very good.
Some bacon would be good
with it. Heh. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometime
I think the only way to
break out of a time of writing
struggle is to write about
every little thing. Other
times I think it's good
to let the pressure build
until something just has
to come out. These days.
Oh. I dunno. The smell of
bacon. It seemed like I
could write about that.
And the dried cranberries.
I bought them at <strike>Hell</strike>
<a href="http://www.wholefoods.com/">Whole Foods</a>. They were, as
so many thing there are,
expensive. So much so that
I didn't even
want to open them for awhile.
But they are lasting a long
time. I put a handful in
my oatmeal these days. I
put some in some apple pear
sauce. I don't feel so bad
about spending the money
now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am thinking about why people
in one country can hit the
streets in <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/113004B.shtml">pursuit
of democracy</a> and in
another country only a few
people <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/113004Y.shtml">beg for it.</a> I am thinking
about the news of a ramp
up of military recruitment in high
schools (it was all over the news last night but
I can't find a story to link)
and the news of <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/112804F.shtml">health
crisis</a> and <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/112804F.shtml">loss</a>.
I am thinking about things.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
cold here. Very cold. All day I scan my life for reasons
to write. The other night I was loving the smell of
olive oil as it heats in a pan. The smell of rain on
pavement on Thanksgiving night. The smell of bacon in
an apartment building on a cold morning. It seems like
I should be able to write about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1220)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1220"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
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