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<td width="743" bgcolor="white"> <p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b> November 2003</b></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="722">
<tr>
<td width="716" bgcolor="white">
<p><a id="e43" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e431"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e431"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
<a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/">Rabbit
Rabbit.</a> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Er.Uh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> <a href="http://phrases.shu.ac.uk/bulletin_board/14/messages/57.html">White
Rabbits.</a> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm trying it all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(732)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_732"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:29
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify"><p align="justify"><a id="e432" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e432"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e432"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
The first thing I heard when I turned on
the radio was the sentence - "This is the
deadliest day for the US military in a long time."
And then the news <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2003/11/02/international0907EST0451.DTL">about
the helicopter</a>. And my first thought, before sadness
for the people who are dead and their families,
was about how bad this is for Bush. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
horrified by that. I'm horrified that my desire to see
him booted out of office can overwhelm my compassion.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It's
something I've been thinking about because of our new
governor and the <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/11/02/INGRU2KJH31.DTL">grim
possibility</a> that he might one day be able to run
for the presidency. I want things to go badly for him.
And who would be hurt by things going badly? The poor.
The workers. Women. Children. Everyone who isn't protected
by their wealth. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Politics
make for abstraction. I keep trying to feel toward a
way to hold it all and have faith and still feel what
I feel and not lose my heart to my fear. People keep
telling me not to listen to the news when I'm having
such a hard time emotionally. There are days when I
know they are right. There are days when I after hearing
that sentence I might have turned the radio off. But
I was so struck by my reaction. It just seemed so disoriented.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It
seems like part of my work these days is to build a more
inner sense of possibility. Not just dark likelihood.
Maybe then I can respond to the news of a tragedy with
a more immediate care for the families. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not feeling all down on myself. Well. Sometimes I am.
But that's just the junk. The junk that my brain throws
at me in an attempt to keep me distracted. Every once
in a while I have a thought so ... just so...so totally
not useful...usually some kind of self loathing thing...and
I hear it and am stunned by my own crap. I sort of shake
my head and say something to myself like - that was
lovely, thanks for sharing that with me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Being
a double Gemini means I have so many voices in my head.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
dunno. It's a beautiful Sunday morning. I'm in my sweet
little apartment, getting ready to make breakfast and
dive into the Sunday want-ads. It's a shadows and light
kind of day. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(733)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_733"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:25
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e433" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e433"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e433"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
As I was reading the comments on yesterdays
post I thought about my mouse. I have a mouse again.
It probably isn't the same mouse that bugged me <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November.htm">a
few years ago</a>. I walked in the kitchen the other
day and saw him/her (how go you know?) run from behind
the stove to behind the refrigerator. They move so fast
I wasn't sure that I'd seen anything. But then as I
stood there cooking I saw the mouse come out from behind
the refrigerator. It must have seen me because it ran
back pretty fast. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">What
does all this have to do with Arnold and George? Oh.
Not much really. It's about compassion. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
last time the mouse was here I was so frustrated. If
I tell the landlord they bring in sticky traps. I am
NOT in the mood to deal with a mouse on a sticky pad.
I kept trying to make a deal with it. It could live
here if I didn't have to see it. But I did keep seeing
it. I bought one of those little traps that are boxes.
You catch the mouse in the box and then take it outside
and set it free. But I never put it up and the mouse
eventually went away. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
now it's back. Or. The great grandchild twice removed
... is back. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not beyond killing bugs. I don't know why I have so
much trouble with the idea of killing a mouse. I don't
know why I spent so much time avoiding killing the mouse
the last time. But it does seem to me to be about something.
Not a big mystery of life. But something.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Lately
I've thought a lot about how to be more centered when
I'm feeling all the hard stuff. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
I watched part of an ET show asking the question - does
Hollywood cause anorexia? There were a few different
segments put together to make on show. Many of which
were about weight loss. And then there was one with
<a href="http://et.tv.yahoo.com/celebrities/2003/10/31/emmemeetsmelissaintv/">Emme
interviewing a woman who is anorexic.</a> The show didn't
upset me, like some of the others have. But I was bewildered
by it. It's a dumb show that I don't usually watch but
I did want to see that interview. And there were <a href="http://et.tv.yahoo.com/about/2003/08/30/weekendonet/">all
the stories</a> of people who "struggled with their
weight" and then this woman talking about how she
didn't feel like she deserved to eat. And I felt like
they were answering their own question but not understanding
how. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There's
just this one size that we're supposed to be. Not too
fat. Not too thin. Just this one size.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
what does that have to do with George and Arnold and
a mouse? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Well.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It
all makes me think about how I want to hold my own center.
My own balance point. And still have a strong position.
Because if I cave into this can't do anything
place (buy a trap and never set it) (be mad at television
and never take action to challenge the fat phobic ideas)
I will stay in my apartment paralyzed with indecision.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Now.
I'm still not sure what to about the mouse. And I did
write a letter to ET. But in politics it's harder. I
do want to remember that these guys are human and not
let my hate drag me down the road. Although <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/a/2003/11/03/national0747EST0490.DTL">sometimes
it's hard.</a> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Tomorrow
we have <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/03/MNGJJ2OR5S1.DTL">a
city election</a>. I'm still torn between <a href="http://www.ammianoformayor.com/en/">Tom</a>
and <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a>.
My indecision kept me from working on either campaign.
But the moment will come and I will have to choose.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
now I will close my eyes. Rest my hands face up
on my thighs. Take deep breath. And dive into the place
where I hope to find the answers. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(734)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_734"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:51
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e434" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e434"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e434"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
I have things to do today. Which is good.
I've been drifting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday,
when I checked in on Amp's, I noticed that <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/000949.html">the
conversation</a> was still going on. Seventy-five comments.
Wow. One of which says that adding height and weight
to the list of things that should be protected in terms
of discrimination diminishes the other things on the
list. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
never think it's useful to compare oppressions. No one
wins. Are people's jobs, access to quality health care,
access to transportation, safety in public, access to
public facilities effected by the negative view of fat
people? Yes. What about housing? There is anecdotical
evidence about people not being rented apartments because
the landlord thought fat people were sloppy. People's
children have been taken away from them. People have
been denied the right to adopt children. Are fat people
discriminated against? Oh yes. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
idea that fat is a mutable characteristic is where it
turns around and becomes something that the individual
should change. And in a world where everyone with a
talk show is an expert on how to lose weight, that must
seem like a simple matter. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">But
if you talk to fat people you learn about the struggle.
And you learn about the variety in experience. Fat is
not a one size fits all descriptor. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So
if you want to say that fat people can change the discrimination
by changing themselves you are asking people to make
a life style change that you don't really understand.
There are people who can stop eating dessert and begin
a walking program and lose weight. Sounds so easy, doesn't?
But it isn't that simple for a great many people. And
why does the culture think it can tell people how to
live?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/015740.html">Dru
asks</a> the more important question. Why are we (fat
people) buying it? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">For
me it's a literal question. A multi billion dollar question.
And when there's that kind of money being made people
will go to any length to keep the market in tact. They
will lie. Exaggerate. Manipulate. And that campaign
of terror and misinformation will keep us in spending.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">A
friend of mine talks about fat anorexics. People who
have lost perspective on how much they eat. When you
ask many fat people what they eat you find out that
many of them aren't laying around with a bag of chips
and a Big Gulp. They're eating really good balanced
diets. But when you ask them how much they're eating
they'll talk about how fattening the food is. They obsess
over everything they eat.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There's
no doubt that American's eat junk food. I see a commercial
for one of the chains in which a bunch of guys are eating
burgers and the voice over says that they eat burgers
every day. And then pitches a chicken sandwich. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Oh
yeah. Swing out. Go for that chicken sandwich. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
the other day I saw a bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken
being pitched as diet food. It makes me crazy. If you
eat that stuff and you like that stuff then forgive
my judgement. I am a food snob. But imagine how many
buckets of chicken are now being purchased in the hope
that weight will be lost. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Why
are fat people buying it? Because, for many of
us, this began in childhood. We were teased and picked
on and put on diets and pills and sent to camps. And
many of us are the fatter for it. Years of that kind
of stuff and you begin to believe. You begin to believe
that everything you put in your mouth is wrong. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
have things to do. And that's good. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">First
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/11/04/MNGMB2PLBQ1.DTL">I
vote</a>. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(735)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_735"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:26
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e435" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e435"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e435"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
As I walked to the polls I was still debating
who I was going to vote for. In the end I voted for
Tom and it turned out that <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/11/05/MNGC82QIQG1.DTL">Matt
didn't need my vote to get into the run off.</a> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
feel exactly like I thought I'd feel. I voted for Tom
because he's been at it for years, doing all the stuff
I want politicians to do and I felt like it was his
time. But I don't think he energized the voters the
way that Matt did. My problem is that some of that is
about Matt being handsome, straight and young. Some
of it was just hard work on the part of his campaign.
But when you listen to the way people talk about him
and the way people talk about Tom ...well ...there is
no doubt that some ageism, sexism and homophobia was
goin on. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
glad I voted for Tom. I'm sad that he didn't do better.
And I will be happy to vote for Matt. </font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="78">
<tr>
<td width="72">
<p><a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/"><img src="mattbuttonsmall.gif" width="71" height="70" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">He's
progressive. He's Green. He's smart and hardworking.
He has great ideas and he builds coalitions. He built
a grassroots base of supporters and he will keep doing
that. And he's not Newsom. It's going to be a really
close race and it has all of the misery of the governors
race. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
am sad about Tom. I wish I could get more excited about
Matt's campaign because I do know him. And I do like
him. But it feels like he's the prom king of the left.
With all the wonderful things that he is, and there
are many, he gets some support because he's so attractive.
And the prom queen had too much affect and too much
gray. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(736)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_736"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:08
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e436" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e436"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e436"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
Ari called me yesterday. We chatted about
writing. She said that I seem to have an idea
that I can be published really fast and she thinks it's
a long and arduous process. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It's
true. I have a story in my head in which things happen
quickly. In part because I need them to. I wanted <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>
to be out by Christmas. And I've been in a kind of petulant
stall. Sonya and <a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/">Kell</a>
have both sent me specific ideas about where to publish.
I haven't done anything with them. I read the encouragement
to send yesterdays post somewhere and then I stewed
about it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not sure why. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There
is this relentless internal examination of why I am,
or am not, doing everything I am, or am not, doing.
The last six years were such a push and I am tired.
And maybe this is just a break. Except I really can't
have a break. Not completely. I can't relax. I can only
space out.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">You
hear about the writers who submitted a piece of writing
a zillion times before it was published and you hear
about the people who got picked up after they sent something
out once. Anything can happen. There are no rules. And
I think I have a story line about how it all works out.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">So.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">My
little mouse buddy has taken to running between the
desk and the etagere. I've tried to make a deal with
it that it can live here if I never have to see it.
But so far ... no deal.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">There
was a time in my life when I believed in magic. I thought
if I cultivated a special relationship to spirit I would
always find what I wanted. And I believe something like
that still. But without the word special. And without
the idea that getting what I want is always a good thing.
But I don't want to indulge a feeling of not being able.
I give into that so easily. Everything is a sign that
things aren't going to work out. Mice don't even listen
to me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
then I begin to listen to the swings and I try to snap
out of it and come up with a thing I can do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Just
one thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(737)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_737"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:15
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e437" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e437"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e437"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003 <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
</a></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
Ms Lauren</a> wrote one of the best definitions
of feminism I've ever read. </font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="288">
<tr>
<td width="282">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">By my definition, feminism is a way of looking at the world through a gender
lens, applying scholarly theory to social mores and paradigms in addition to
practicing a life geared toward equality of opportunity for people of all races,
genders, ethnicites, and sexualities; (<a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/000405.html">more</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">She
wrote in response to another blogger who
I won't link. You can get the link from
her. I couldn't really get through what
he wrote. Try as I might. It seemed like
bad faith to not read it since what she wrote referenced
it so heavily but the guy is just a bad movie. A movie
in which guns and cigars and an inability to express
an emotion connote virility and women are divided into
body parts. I had a hard enough time getting past the
title. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I do
love her
response. I love the passion. I love the
inclusion. I love the ire. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
bad movie post is getting a lot of response on blogs.
(Links for days in Ms Lauren's post) In fact I seem
to be on the verge of responding myself. But the ideas
about feminism are just so much more interesting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Feminism,
for me, is about understanding that gender doesn't necessarily
have a job description or a color code. I keep thinking
that some of these hyper ideas about what makes a man
a man are born in modernity. My stepfather spent a lot
of his youth with his grandmother who hunted and fished
and chopped wood. It didn't occur to her husband that
she was doing his job. My stepfather (a problematic
man in his own right) bakes bread and makes the bed
and does the dishes. He's always seen these things as
a fair division of labour. When there's a lot of work
to do everyone does what needs to be done. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The
image of a coach going into a locker room and calling
his team of young men girls floated into my mind while
I was trying to get through the bad movie guy's post.
It's such an insult, isn't it? To be a girl. There are
men who are so at odds with their feelings about women
that they don't see the way in which their language
reveals fear and hurt and anger. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
loathe to use words like real when describing men, or
women. That's what feminism is, for me. The understanding
that gender is a description of physicality and everything
else is about self expression. All men and women are
real. Even the bad movie guy. His ideas about what makes
him a man seem like so much chest thumping in a world
that doesn't need any more dominator monkeys. It's like
<a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/">Caroline</a>
what <a href="http://visionaryactivism.com/audio/DominanceKills.ram">says</a>.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Every
once in a while someone will tell me that they aren't
a feminist. They're a humanist. Humanism being somehow
more inclusive. Which is why I like Ms Lauren's definition.
Feminism is, in part, a discussion about the ways we
are all tyrannised by our ideas about gender. It's an
important discussion because there is still pay inequity,
there are <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/07/MNG4Q2SGC81.DTL">laws
being signed about what happens in a woman's body</a>.
There are still so many limited and hurtful ideas
being tossed around about what makes a man a man and
a woman a woman and not enough acknowledgement of the
<a href="http://www.sover.net/~sharing/gender.html">third
gender</a>.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.uppity-negro.com/">Aaron</a>
had <a href="http://www.uppity-negro.com/archives/001131.html">a
response</a> to the bad movie guy. It's always a good
idea to shift the debate with a song. I'll see that
Tori and raise one <a href="http://www.danah.org/Ani/NotAPrettyGirl/NotAPrettyGirl.html">Ani.</a>
</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="317">
<tr>
<td width="311">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">i am not an angry girl
</font></span>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">every time i say something they find hard to hear</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
they chalk it up to my anger
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">and never to their own fear
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">and imagine you're a girl
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">just trying to finally come clean
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">knowing full well they'd prefer you
</font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">were dirty and smiling
</font></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(738)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_738"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:30
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e438" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e438"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e438"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003 <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
</a></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
</a>I got another rejection from another
publisher. I'm feel punch drunk and dazed. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(739)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_739"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:19
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e439" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e439"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e439"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003 <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
</a></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">
</a>Getting rejections is part of the process.
I know that. I know I can't fall part with
each one. And I know I need to be sending
out more stuff to more people. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">But
sending stuff costs money. Paper, ink, envelopes,
postage. I've been trying to target what
I send. I submitted a piece to the people
who did <a href="http://www.poetry-reviews.com/What_Are_You_Looking_At_The_First_Fat_Fiction_Anthology_0156029073.html">this
anthology</a>. They're doing another. They
thought my first piece was too poetic. And
they didn't say why they rejected the second
one I sent. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I'm
thinking about self publishing. I looked
at <a href="http://www2.xlibris.com/">Xlibris</a>.
But ya know. Money. I'm not sure what to
do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Thanks
for all the support. I appreciate it more than I can
say. I'm pulling it back together.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(740)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_740"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:32
AM</font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e440" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e440"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e440"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a little boy who lives in the building next
to mine. Apparently he has just learned the
song - <i>You Are My Sunshine</i>. He stands
out side of his apartment and sings (shouts)
it at the top of his lungs. It's amazing
how much volumn this kid has. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
moved the furniture in my living room yesterday. I was
amazed by how much I got done. I'm kind of achy today.
And there's still more to do. I love the way it feels
when you walk in the room and everything is different.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
doing things like that will jog my brain. I can't say
that I feel like my brain is working any better than
it was but it was good to not stare at the computer
screen and feel like I didn't know what to do. And there's
less dust everywhere. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(741)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_741"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:00
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e441" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e441"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e441"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't like the phrase over eating. It's
imprecise and shame based. I eat when I'm
hungry. I quit when I'm full. Sometimes
I eat for fun. Or pleasure. Sometimes I
eat a lot. But what does the word over mean?
Over what?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
But of course I do understand. Over eating
is when you eat so much that it's hard to
take a breath. And I almost always do that
when I go to <a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/tonkiang/">Ton
Kiang</a>. It's the little plates. They
keep coming. And everything looks good.
And it's just one dumpling. And one crab
claw. And one foil wrapped chicken. And
soon your belly is swollen. And then they
bring by the asparagus. And the shrimp stuffed
mushrooms. And the shrimp stuffed eggplant.
It just doesn't stop. And you drink tea
and more tea. And it's all too much. It
is over. Way over. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'll tell ya what. I love it. And it's a
great thing to do. Kristina and I went yesterday.
It's something we do together. She brought
me a couple of books. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871162016/qid=1068619999/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-3479135-3142322?v=glance&n=507846">One
of which</a> weighs a ton but I'll be spending
the day with it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then Cynthia and I went to hear <a href="http://artsci.usfca.edu/servlet/ShowEmployee?empID=273">Aaron</a>
read some very lovely writing. Aaron writes
sentences that you can feel in your mouth.
Like dumplings and shrimp stuffed mushrooms
and it's all too much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cynthia,
by the way, can wash her car with only two buckets of
water. If you have a driveway and a hose you might wonder
why anyone would try that. But if you live in the city
and your car is in a small garage, to which you have
to haul water and in which you don't want to make a
big mess, the two bucket method makes sense. And that
car looks goooood. It was shiny with a new coat of wax.
It's a mastery level of car care if you ask me. I guess
you could just go to one of those drive through car
wash places but where's the challenge in that? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it was a full day. I was full. Over full.
And now I have the big book of publishing
and I will check out <a href="http://www.bitpass.com/">Bitpass.</a>
Although I can't tell you how tense it makes me. I may
have issues with money. (da ya think?) It just makes
me squirmy. But it is a great idea. Gulp. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up dreaming that I was baking biscuits for <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt's
campaign</a>. And he was trying to tell me how to do
it. And I was telling him to settle down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no amount of therapy in the world ....</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(742)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_742"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:15
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e442" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e442"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e442"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I saw the previews for <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=73&movieid=60003770">Finding
Forrester</a> I didn't think I'd want to
see it. Old white man mentors young black
man. Seemed too tired. But people kept telling
me I'd like it. I stuck it in the Netflix
queue. It's been sitting here for a while.
Yesterday, after a morning of <a href="http://www.craigslist.org/wri/">Craigs
list</a> and the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871162016/qid=1068619999/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-3479135-3142322?v=glance&n=507846">big
book of publishing</a> and nail biting about
what to do what to do - I watched the movie
in an attempt to escape. It turned out to
not be an escape.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a scene in the beginning in which the young
man is in the apartment of the older man
and is looking at the rows of books on shelves.
He runs his fingers across the spines and
pulls one out. Tears came to my eyes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Loving
books is a consuming passion. I know
that feeling. I've stood in front of rows
of books with longing and a sense that I
must choose wisely because there isn't enough
time to read them all. There are so many
that I want to read and so many that I want
to reread and so many new ones coming out
every day. And I want them all on shelves
around me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had just written an e-mail to Sonya about
how I don't think you can be taught how
to write. You can be taught grammar, syntax,
punctuation and basic structural stuff.
But you can't be taught how to do it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do think that you can find relationships
in which you can advance your writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the movie the two men sit across from one
another on typewriters - writing. There
is the beginning nudge from the older man
but then it's a face to face relationship.
They each bring something to the table.
And they don't talk about sentences and
details and on and on. They talk about life
and they write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
time I showed <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/David.html">David</a> a piece of writing I
was working on for another class. He went
through and said things like - "move this up"
and - "what does that mean" - and "you
already said this." It took about six minutes.
I learned more in that six minutes than I did in the
two years of my MFA program. For six minutes I saw the
writing the way he did and it changed the way I edited
my own work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because, you
know, I babble and meander and run on and I do it on
purpose sometimes but I also get vague when I need to
set things up and I'm not in the mood so I write too
fast and stop paying attention and I have to go back
and PAY MORE ATTENTION. Which is what rewriting is,
for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
time I showed <a href="http://www.canwehaveourballback.com/9wasserman.htm">Jo
Ann</a> a poem. It's the one on the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm">more
stuff page,</a> just after the explanation of where
I got fatshadow. She told me to take out all the times
I used the word <i>and</i>, then put back the ones I
really wanted. Such good advise. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Forrester lives
in an apartment full of books. He never leaves. Someone
brings him the things he needs. He watches birds and
the young men playing basketball and the activities
on the street. He just folded in one day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
understand.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
movie is about the relationship. I was moved to tears
more than once. Because a relationship of shared scholarship
is so ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Words
elude me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
movie was about paying attention and not holding
back and being there for each other and it was about
writing. So it wasn't really an escape. But it was a
good way to spend the afternoon. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(743)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_743"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:16
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e443" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e443"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e443"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000429.html#000429">Kurt
had a dream</a> in which his father said, "sometimes a man just has to go down into his basement at night, get drunk, and
paint." It sounded <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000446.html">like
something to explore.</a> More for <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000455.html#000455">the
process</a> than the result. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
process is <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000459.html#000459">moving
right along</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.xs4all.nl/~kwanten/name.htm">Goethe
wrote about Ginko.</a> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="277">
<tr>
<td width="271"><CENTER>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Ginkgo
biloba</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">This leaf from a tree in the East,</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Has been given to my garden.</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It reveals a certain secret,</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Which pleases me and thoughtful people.</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Does it represent One living creature</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Which has divided itself?</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Or are these Two, which have decided,</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">That they should be as One?</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">To reply to such a Question,</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I found the right answer:</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Do you notice in my songs and verses</span></FONT><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
</span></font><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">That I am One and Two?</span></FONT></CENTER></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
I found interesting. Not because I think it means anything
about Kurt. I like the idea of duality and unification.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a book by Henry Miller - Paint As You Like and
Die Happy, which I can't find a link to but there is
a page of <a href="http://www.coastgalleries.com/miller/index.php">some
of his watercolors</a>. I've always thought that was
a good idea.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
about the process. Not the result. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Paint
as you like. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(744)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_744"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:43
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e444" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e444"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e444"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read this thing once, I think it was written by <a href="http://www.theorycards.org.uk/card11.htm">bell
hooks</a>, about negative self speak. She was saying
that women do negative self speak as a way of reassuring
each other that we aren't competition for each other.
I'm not sure if she took it here or if I did but women
see them selves as a product. Not their skills, or their
perceptions - themselves. And modesty is one of the
qualities that lends us value. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think we have a few generations of women who have worked
to shift that perception and experience but as a residual
reflex of internalized oppression we do this negative
self speak thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know it's true for me. I think I make great efforts
to communicate the idea that I am self critical. I want
to say the bad thing before anyone else can. There's
a bunch of psychological, class and fat girl parts to
why this occurs. I am aware of it and when I hear myself
doing more and more of it I try to sit down and get
a grip on my inner blah blah blah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I dropped things all day. It just seemed like everything
I touched fell. At one point I broke a glass. And I
would berate myself each time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
occurs to me that it's hard to retain your sense of
self in place when your financial life is weird. And
also when you aren't connecting to your work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Like
anything else it doesn't work to be hyper about this
stuff. Sometimes you do have to vent about how you feel
like an idiot. I know I'm not an idiot. But sometimes
I feel that way and I need to let it out. And I need
to know when to stop with all the inner name calling.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I pulled up the blind this morning I looked out the
window and it looked like it might be a beautiful day.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(745)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_745"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:32
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e445" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e445"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e445"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a little green plastic house sitting beside my refrigerator
right now. It's a mouse trap. It has a spring loaded
door on one side. The mouse is supposed to walk in,
the door shuts behind it and then I'm supposed to take
it somewhere outside. Where? I'm not sure.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I worked in a restaurant in which there was a snake.
Waitresses would find him sleeping in the napkins. One
evening he was winding his way around a big pot in the
kitchen. The manager called New York's finest. Three
car loads of them showed up. They found the snake in
a container full of lids and then they told us to call
animal control and left. Thank you very much, officer.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Later
the manager and hostess, wearing pot holder gloves for
protection, managed to trap the snake in a pot and took
him to the park. Very humane, right? Except it was extremely
cold in NYC. It's hard to believe the snake survived.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
trying to imagine walking down to the wharf to set the
mouse free. Or up to Washington Square park. There I
would be in the park, opening the door of this little
plastic house, singing <a href="http://www.lyricsdepot.com/the-hesitations/born-free.html">Born
Free</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Since
I put the house up I haven't seen the mouse. I figure
he's just so offended that I would think he'd be stupid
enough to go into the little house he just left. Or
maybe it's the scary cat post card Adrienne sent
me. She said if I put it on the ground and said meow
the mouse would be scared. Maybe she was right.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(746)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_746"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:08
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e446" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e446"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e446"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
reason for the furniture move was that I hoped it would
help me in my efforts to feel better. And it has. The
more I live with it, the better I like it. It's open.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did the laundry. If I clean the back room the whole
apartment will feel good. So that's the plan for the
day. And I may try to do some writing. I have a few
pieces rolling around in the back of my head. Maybe
I'll be able to get them out and onto the page.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was reading <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000462.html#000462">Kurt
yesterday</a>. He suggests that bloggers might benefit
from developing a clearly defined vision for what they
write. Perhaps. But if I think about that too much I'll
stop writing all together. It's a messy process. I've
never had a clear vision. Every morning I sit here and
wonder if I have another post in me. I write what I
write and wonder if it has any merit. I marvel that
people continue to read and leave comments and hang
with me through the muddle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
never been more true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
Kurt was talking about the amount of information we
pack into our minds every day. I smiled when I read
it because I am always at the screen. Hunting for more.
And the TV is off to my left, the radio to my right.
I'm surrounded by books and magazines and CD's. I want
more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will say that, given my recent struggles with depression,
I have made some effort to moderate what and how much
gets in. I'm still a bit of a news junky. I still have
an extremely long blog roll. I am only reading one book
but I'm about to finish it and there are three others
vying for my attention.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
More than three. But three at the top of the pile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
my apartment is clean and has this new open quality.
My laundry is done. Things are in place. One more
room and maybe I'll make some turkey salad to eat for
lunch this week and work on some writing and read some
blogs. On Sunday evening I actually move away from the
desk, sit in my chair with a book and the remote. I
watch some Sunday evening shows and read. I know. I
might oughta pick just one. But I probably wont.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are the times of expansion. More. More. More. And the
times of contraction. Less. Less. Less. Just for today,
I'm in the middle of that process. During the move I
tossed out a bunch of stuff. I carried down all the
recycling between loads of laundry. If I get the back
room done there will me more trips to the trash. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Monday
puts me on edge. I stare at want ads and feel myself
crashing. So I'm trying to get everything in place.
And be ready for it. Maybe this week I'll figure it
out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(747)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_747"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:31
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e447" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e447"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e447"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sundaysalon.org/archives.asp">Larry
did a show</a> about <a href="http://jonestown.sdsu.edu/">Jonestown</a>
and the <a href="http://www.castroonline.com/spectrum/MilkMoscone.html">Milk/Moscone
murders</a>. It's the twenty-five year anniversary
of both events. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess every time is an amazing time, in it's
own right. But listening to the show I kept
thinking about what all that meant to SF.
And how close we are to being in a similar
time. District elections, a progressive
board. There
was a <a href="http://beta.kpix.com/news/local/2003/11/14/Poll%3A_Gonzalez_Leads_Newsom_in_SF_Mayor%27s_Race.html">KPIX
poll</a> in which Matt has a lead. It would
be so great to have such a progressive
mayor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
while I'm feeling a glimmer of hope about political
life in the city <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/17/MNGEV33KQJ1.DTL">things
in Sacramento</a> have entered into the carnivalesque.
Kell reports about <a href="http://www.ulu2.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_ulu2_archive.html#106883095296134536">the
fences</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
came to SF when I was twenty but I just couldn't get
a foothold. The closest I could get was <a href="http://www.townoftruckee.com/">Truckee</a>.
And then Boulder. And then New York. And now SF. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I think I might be lucky that I wasn't here during the
height of the People's Temple. I was a girl in search
of a father. I would have been so easily seduced. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.codepink4peace.org/">Code
Pink</a> has called for women to gather in Sac and express
their destain for the new Gov. After all the hoopla
I wonder what he'll be able to do. And polls are just
polls. I'm going to be chewing my nails until I see
Matt's name <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/mayor_index.asp">on
the door</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(748)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_748"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:22
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e448" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e448"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e448"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
heard that <a href="http://www.gallerystratford.on.ca/events/raising_victor_vargus.htm">Raising
Victor Vargus</a> was a good movie but I
knew that it began with Victor about to
have sex with a fat girl. And he doesn't
want anyone to know. The rest of the film
is about his pursuit of another girl and
lots of little character sketches involving
other people in his life. I watched it yesterday.
It is a good movie. Full of lots of very
nice character stuff. Sweet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
what about the fat girl? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
is in the first scene. And she is never
heard from again. She lives in the apartment
upstairs. And she never comes looking for
the boy she has been having sex with. How
is that possible? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
through the film I kept thinking about that
girl. But apparently the film maker knew
that the fat girl was a disposable character.
In descriptions I've seen on line it's described
as understandable that he wouldn't want
anyone to know he'd been sleeping with a
fat girl. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
has a younger sister who is fat. She makes
friends with a young fat boy in the film.
They are very cute. So it could be said that there are fat people
in the film who are portrayed in a sweet
way. All the people are complex. You love
them. You hate them. You love them again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the fat girl just disappears.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the opening scene Victor looks pretty happy. He's puffed
up and flirting. He's ready for some lovin. He just
doesn't want anyone to know he' with a fat girl. It's
the kind of story you hear at <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA</a>
dance parties. Fat woman has been having an affair with
a married man for years. He is crazy about her. Loves
having sex with her. But has a thin wife. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the fat woman just disappears. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
young woman who Victor pursues has trouble trusting
men. She is very cute and men are always staring and
coming on to her. She just wants them to leave her alone.
Part of the film is about how she comes to trust Victor.
And it was done in very subtle beautiful ways. But we
are supposed to forget about the girl who he ran from
in the first scene.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
liked the film. It was tender. I just wish
that some of that tenderness had been extended
to the fat girl. One scene. Because she
doesn't just disappear. She's upstairs waiting for her
lover to return. She's crying. She's angry. She doesn't
feel as if she has the right to walk into the street
and find him. She knows that people think he was doing
her a favor. She looks out the window and sees him walking
with his new girl.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Victor
may have been able to use her and lose her. The film
maker may have been able to use her and lose her. The
audience may be able to forget about her. But I'm still
wondering. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
happened to the fat girl?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(749)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_749"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:41
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e449" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e449"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e449"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Somewhere,
on another plane of reality, there is a
group of beings watching me and taking notes.
Look, there she is. She should be writing
letters to agents and publishers and instead
she's watching <a href="http://www.lordoftherings.net/film/trilogy/thetwotowers.html">The
Two Towers</a>. Didn't she just watch a
movie? Yes. But she's in some kind of avoidance
and denial process. Lets just watch and
see what happens. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was kind of confusing watching <a href="http://www.domainofhugoweaving.com/biography.htm">Hugo
Weaving</a> be a good guy. I kept expecting
him to do some kind of martial art flip
and I'd have to remind myself which movie
I was watching.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sooner
or later I'm going to need to reread the
Trilogy. It's been decades. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love Elfin. David is the <a href="http://yarinareth.net/#david">coolest</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
morning I had CNN on and the <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/18/jackson.ranch/index.html">big
news</a> broke that Michael Jackson's house
was being searched. I'm not the least bit
interested in Michael Jackson's house so
I went to take a shower and make the bed
and get dressed. I walked back into the
living room and there, on the screen, was
a report about the raid on Michael Jackson's
house. That was the big news. All day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a bit of discussion on MSNBC about Massachusetts
saying yes to gay marriage. The woman who was opposed
was such an atavism I couldn't keep watching. How does
someone say that the "institution" of marriage
between a man and a woman has been working with the
divorce rate so high? Although I absolutely support
the cause of gay marriage I often wonder why anyone,
het or gay, does it. I'll dance at anyone's wedding
and I always cry and I do like the idea of people making
ritual and ceremony. I have faith in people. Not institutions.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like the <a href="http://www.bignewschannel.com/">breaking
news</a> <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_11_01_archives.html#106917431527808">Cyndy
found</a> better.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
writer (I don't even want to say his name)
for the Examiner says, "<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/18/MNG5J34IJN1.DTL">Optimism
reigns as choice of the people is sworn
in</a>." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hmmm.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Did
you know that only 61 percent of the registered
voters showed up at the polls? The recall
won by 55.4 percent. Somebody do the math
for me but it seems like little more than
a third of the registered voters gifted
the state with the horror show we see going
on in Sacramento. I don't know who is feeling
optimistic but talk about getting your movies
mixed up.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Somewhere
beings on a higher plane of existence are
watching me. If she doesn't start writing
to agents and publishers she is never going
to get <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">that book</a> published. Yeah. But after
all that wouldn't you rather watch a movie?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(750)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_750"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:33
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e450" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e450"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e450"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Did
you watch <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html">West
Wing</a>? It was just awesome. Wouldn't
it be cool to have a Democratic president
who would stand up to a Republican congress?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been thinking a lot about process.
<a href="http://www.chrisdaly.org/">Cris
Daly</a>'s <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/11/19/BAGBD35L411.DTL">appointing
of PUC board members</a> while sitting as
acting mayor, <a href="http://www.sfpolitics.com/html/profiles/people_detail.cfm?txt_name_first=Aaron&txt_name_last=Peskin">Aaron
Peskin'</a>s <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/11/04/EDG4U2OSFE1.DTL">use
of public domain</a> to make a park where
there would be condos, both situations in
which the process was pushed but for reasons
that I find positive. I know process is
there to protect us from the whims of the individual.
But if process is too tight nothing gets
done. And we need strong individuals to
push the parameters. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353">watch</a>
<a href="http://www.c-span.org/">the process</a>,
like I do, you see that it's as much about
people as it is about charters and <a href="http://www.constitution.org/rror/rror--00.htm">Robert's
Rule's</a>. It's about public testimony
and long winded diatribes. It's about bold
actions and cleaning up messes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
if the president really did allow the federal
government to shut down over a budget dispute
would that be a glory play? Maybe. And maybe
I only liked last night's episode of
The West Wing because I want social services
to be funded. I mean in some ways it was
like the president had a temper tantrum.
Is that admirable? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is, despite my desire to think other wise, only a television
show. Martin Sheen is not the real president. (sigh)
And maybe the reason I liked last night so much was
that it was about a guy getting to a place where he
has to say no. No. I am not going to play this game.
I'm not going to let you break an agreement with me
and pretend that I have no choice. I'm not going to
play it safe. He was coming back from a long time of
being held down. He was taking back his power. And he
was empowering others in the process.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cris
appointed a truly qualified person to sit on the PUC.
We haven't seen that in a while. Aaron is trying to
make sure we don't have more density in a neighborhood
that is already the most dense in SF. Are they playing
it fast and loose with process? Maybe.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
they are bold men. Honorable men. Sincere men. I can
see the problems with the way they did these things
but I'm glad they're there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Process
won't really protect us. I don't think it's cynical
to remember that there's an unelected guy in the seat
of power reeking havoc on the land. Neither do I think
that's an excuse for all manner of process bending.
People made the process and people will bend it.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
I had come down from the thrill of the show (well, clearly
I haven't come down) I thought about the reality of
an individual person pushing the process. It's problematic.
And when the process gets pushed in a way that I don't
like, I bang the drum to protect it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(751)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_751"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:09
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e451" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e451"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e451"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I went to bed last night my server seemed to have crashed.
No blog. No e-mail. Kinda gave me the shakes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
there were massive <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1090123,00.html">protests
in England</a> and <a href="http://www.ftaaimc.org/en/2003/11/1398.shtml">Miami</a>
and CNN spent what felt like three hours
but I'm sure was only forty five minutes
filming Michael Jackson's plane drive along
the runway. It was one of those times when
I had the TV on but I was doing something
and not totally paying attention to it.
And then I realized what was going on and
turned it off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know I wrote a big post about negative self
speak but I just have to say ... I SUCK
at this book marketing thing. My attitude
could not be worse. I did do a lot of reading
in the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0871162016/qid=1068619999/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-3479135-3142322?v=glance&n=507846">big
book of publishing</a> about agents. I read
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0553061771/customer-reviews/ref%3Dcm%5Frev%5Fall%5F1/104-3479135-3142322">another
book</a> and worked on my proposal. I used
<a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">M's</a>
advise and prodded myself along through sections
of reading and research by telling myself
if I would do it for twenty minutes I could
do something fun, like read blogs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Writing
a proposal for a book I've already written
seems completely loopy. And thinking in
terms of who is my "target audience"
... yuck. What is that about? Painting a
target on a would be reader and aiming your book like
it's a stone? I just wrote this story of a life
in a fat body during a particular time in
history. Some people seem to like reading
stuff I write. Isn't that enough? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No.
Because publishers and agents and bookstores have to
make money. And I do too. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Really.
My attitude is disgusting. I can hardly
stand the sound of my own thoughts. Finding
an agent feels like trying to find a relationship
through the personal ads. I'm already imaging
the worst from each one of them. I know
I'm just
going to need to keep pushing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Martin
Sheen (my imaginary president) <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2003/11/20/state1343EST0070.DTL">endorsed
Matt.</a> And I got an e-mail from Renee
of <a href="http://www.luxomatic.com/artblog/artblog.html">Luxomatic</a>.
She set up the <a href="http://www.luxomatic.com/bloggersformatt.html">bloggers
for Matt</a> site and made <a href="http://www.luxomatic.com/artblog/00000059.htm">a
portrait</a> that I've seen before and thought
was very cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I dreamed about <a href="http://www.jessamyn.com/journal/">Jessamyn</a>.
We were just hanging out. Bloggers in my dreams. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(752)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_752"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:47
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e452" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e452"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e452"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't feeling like writing today. I still don't. But
I read <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
and was reminded what day it is. There's a small debate
in her comments about the exact moment when America
lost it's innocence. I can't say. But I can say when
I lost my political innocence. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the last part of a chapter of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">my
book</a>.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="636">
<tr>
<td width="630">
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Arial">Television
changed things. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Arial">In 1960
Massachusetts Senator John F. Kennedy and Vice President Nixon met for a series
of four televised debates.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial"> </font><span
style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Arial">Pale and
perspiring, Nixon was no match for the handsome Kennedy. What
folks remembered were not his ideas but that he was sweating.</font><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial"> In �61 Kennedy won the presidential election. I sat cross-legged
in front of our black-and-white television and learned a new kind of politics,
the politics of beauty.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">President Kennedy was a Democrat, a Catholic, and the grandson of
a bootlegger, and he was the youngest man ever elected to the office. He was
charming and articulate and when he said, �Ask not what your country can do for
you, ask what you can do for your country,� I </font><i><font face="Arial">wanted</font></i><font face="Arial"> to ask. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">In the Republican Pittsburgh house, where no one drank, Kennedy
was only the son of a bootlegger. But In the Democratic Missouri house, he was
the shining possibility of what it meant to be American.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial"> </font><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial"><o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">I pictured myself on television, accepting a public service award from him for my
work helping people in India. He�d shake my hand and give me
that big-tooth smile. Jackie would smile and adjust her pillbox hat. Caroline
and John John would want to play with me. But I was older than they were, and
I�d be busy, because the President would want to talk with me, a Daughter of
the American Revolution, about public policy. I�d pat them on the head, and
smile at Jackie before he and I went off to the Oval Office. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">And then President Kennedy launched the President�s Council on
Physical Fitness. To be a good American was to be trim and fit. I did sit-ups
and leg lifts and longed to be as beautiful as the Kennedy family. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">In November of 1963 I was in gym class. Helene and Lisa and I were
standing at the edge of the room while the other kids practiced square dancing.
�At least we don�t have to put on our gym uniforms,� said Lisa.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial"> </font><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial"><o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">Changing into the uniform was always a misery. I�d try to find a
corner of the locker room, pull the shorts on under my skirt and hold off
removing my dress for as long as possible. I�d glance around the locker room to
see if everyone was busy dressing and quickly pull the dress over my head. In
that brief moment of partial nudity I prayed that no one would look over and
see the rolls of belly above my shorts. But someone usually did.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">�Fatty Pattie.� </font></span></p>
<p class="DefaultText" style="text-align:justify;"><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">I�d tug at the top of the uniform, press on the
snaps that held it together, pray that they would not pop during class. God
didn�t answer every prayer. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">But on that day I was wearing a plaid blue dress with a full
skirt. I stood with Lisa and Helene on the edge of the gym. Square dancing day
in gym class was the only time the boys and girls were in class together. When
the teacher instructed us to pick partners kids paired off quickly, leaving the
three of us to dance with each other, or not at all. After one mortifying
attempt at dancing with Helene, in which her height and my weight defied grace,
the teacher allowed us to stand on the side. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">We didn�t have to put on our gym uniforms. But we were still the
sad and the weird, waiting for the bell to rescue us from shame. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">When it rang the teacher asked us to line up against a wall and
wait to go to our homerooms. And then, with a shaky voice, she announced that
the president had been shot. She told us to go to our homerooms and gather our
belongings. We would be leaving school early.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">Some kids cheered at the idea of getting to go home. Some kids
were crying. I wasn�t sure how I felt but my knees were weak and I was shaking.
When I walked out the door of the school I saw Poppop. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">�I�m here to walk you home. Let�s go.�</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun:
yes"><font face="Arial"> </font><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial"><o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><font face="Arial">I slipped my hand into his and we walked home in silence.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Arial"> </font><span
style='font-size:8.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;font-family:Arial;mso-fareast-font-family:
"MS Mincho"'><span
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
I remember the day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I'll just keep publishing parts of the book until it's
all on line. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(753)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_753"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:44
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e453" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e453"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e453"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Weekend
mornings I go back and forth between NPR and
KPFA. Right between <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/schedule/">the
Saturday morning talkies</a> and <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/">Wait
Wait</a> I take a shower. But yesterday
I turned on the TV, which was still on channel
9 because I'd been watching <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/">Moyers</a>
the night before, and saw <a href="http://www.kqed.org/w/jacquespepin/">Jacques</a>
was going to be cooking with his wife and
Claudine. I kinda wanted to see that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I get tense watching him <a href="http://www.kqed.org/w/jacquespepin/tvseries.html">cook
with Claudine.</a> The father/daughter thing.
I dunno. It just makes me tense. With his
wife he was sweet. They were moving around
each other with grace and ease. She
was cleaning while he cooked. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
he cooks with <a href="http://www.pbs.org/juliachild/meet/pepin.html">Julia</a>
he seems to be aware that he's with another
cook. He moves like a cook with all three
women. He's fast and purposeful. With Claudine
he seems frustrated that she can't always
read his mind. He seems to feel the need
to keep his eye on her. With his wife he seemed relaxed
and casual. With Julia he makes space for
her to act. And she takes her space. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
hard to cook with someone when you're used
to the pressure of the professional kitchen. You move
instinctively. And he's explaining as he
goes. It is helpful when someone can anticipate
what you need without having to ask. I have
cooked in kitchens in which I had to cook
part of a plate and someone else the other.
I've worked on busy lines and had to take
a plate from a cook and finish it before
putting up for the waitress. When it's working
there's a rhythm. It's like dancing. I loved
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess there is something wonderful about
the way Claudine challenges her father.
His wife seemed more in service to him.
But it wasn't a fawning, or fearful service.
She was following his lead but he was aware
of her. She moved in to pull the bones of
the salmon while he explained why you need to that.
He acknowledged her for noticing that he forgot to put
the herbs on one side of the salmon he was curing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may be romanticizing. His wife didn't seem totally comfortable
with the camera. And there was a camera. Cameras change
things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't think I'm easy to cook with. I'm too used to trying
to get it all done on my own, including clean up. And
I get these ideas about how I want things to look. Jacques
knows more than I do about cooking. If I were cooking
with him I'd be deferential. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a weird power trip that goes on in the kitchen. How
many cooks does it take to change a light bulb? Only
one. But six others are going to stand around and say,"Well
that's OK but the way I do it is..." And when you
work in a professional kitchen you need to claim your
space. It may have ruined me for partnership. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was just very sexy watching Jacques with his wife. His
body was always slightly turned toward her. His smile
was more dear. They worked close but did not seem to
bump into each other. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
it's just the accent. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(754)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_754"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:43
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e454" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e454"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e454"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't been this happy since it turned
out I was <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March03.htm#e152">Eugene
Debs</a>.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="191">
<tr>
<td width="185">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/S/Snowspinner/1069038023_kristeva.jpg" border="0" alt="HASH(0x86ff48c)"><br><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">You are Julia Kristeva! You were a student of
Roland Barthes, and came up with such important
notions as intertextuality and abjection. You
are a semiotician, psychoanalyst, scholar of
literature, and dozens more things. You are not
dead.
</span></font><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span></font><br>
</p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Snowspinner/quizzes/What%2020th%20Century%20Theorist%20are%20you%3F/"><font size="-1">What 20th Century Theorist are you?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> Look
at her. Isn't she cute? A quiz I found on <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000248.html#000248">Alembic</a>,
which she found on <a href="http://chujoe.net/archives/000200.html">Reading
& Writing</a>. </span></font> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(755)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_755"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:46
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e455" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e455"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e455"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Goodgawd
I love the smell of new books. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I was listening to <a href="http://www.sundaysalon.org/">Larry</a>
interview <a href="http://www.centerforbookculture.org/dalkey/backlist/white.html">this
guy</a> and, as it turned out, he (the guy,
not Larry) was going
to be at <a href="http://www.mtbs.com/">Modern
Times</a> in the afternoon. I was thinking
about calling Deb to see if she wanted to
go and the phone rang. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was Deb. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
She did want to go.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He's
an interesting guy. He read a section from
his book in which he talks about Wallace
Stevens. He made a joke about people only
knowing about <a href="http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Wallace_Stevens/wallace_stevens_the_emperor_of_ice_cream.htm">The
Emperor of Ice Cream.</a> I love that poem.
I love it because Jeff used to recite it
to me in his boozy, smoky white boy
trying to sound years older and damaged
way. But I am aware that Stevens wrote
other things. He (Curtis White, not Wallace
Stevens) read from the introduction of his
book in which he talks about a book Stevens
wrote: <i><a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-1131953541-0">Necessary
Angel</a>. </i>(Only 350 for that first
edition. I will not be buying it. This week.
Heh.) He said that the Emperor of Ice Cream
won't cause us to change our lives. But
that's just because he was never a love
starved twenty year old girl hearing it
for the first time from a smoky boozy boy.
But he also said that the message
he gets from Stevens is - "You
are being murdered." And that was an
idea with which I could completely agree.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said other interesting things. I got <a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=0060524367">the
book</a>. And there was some irony in
that because he was talking about how things
become product. And in fact. At the end
of the talk. We bought the book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I was there I saw <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=6-1580050921-0">this
book</a> and, of course, bought it. (Must
find job now.) I was reading it while we
waited for the talk to begin. I remembered
something <a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/">Kell</a> said about the progress of
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm"><i>Avoirdupois</i></a>
(as a product) carrying the weight of my
identity as a writer. Not to mention other
nudges she has given me toward food writing.
Reading sometimes stimulates my writing.
(See why I had to buy the book?) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Yeah. And. The new <a href="http://store.mcsweeneys.net/index.cfm/fuseaction/catalog.detail/object_id/544C0C0F-6EC8-4DAE-ACAE-64FE0F1D09F9/McSweeneysIssue12.cfm">McSweeney's</a>
was out. </span><span style="font-size:8pt;">So
I had to get that too.</span><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I came home and watched TV. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No.
I didn't. Well. Yes I did. But first Deb
and I ate <a href="http://www.fogcitydiner.com/">some
dinner</a>. And drank some martinis. So
I didn't have the clarity of vision that
one might want in order to read. If you
know what I mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
head was full of thinking. Most of what
this guy was saying resonated for me. But
he said something about "the chattering
masses." Do you know about this? And
bloggers are part of that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Who
knew?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't think this guy is really making a
divide between high and low culture. But
some people do. Maybe he is making a divide
between techno and ... living culture. I'll
need to read the book. But my hackles go
up when I think people might be dissing
blogging. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging
is the great anarchy of voice. Everyone
with computer access and the temerity to
imagine that there might be another person
in the world who may find them interesting, can
publish. Is it all good? Maybe not. So?
If <a href="http://www.plathonline.com/weblog.html">Sylvia</a>
had been able to blog she might have been
able to keep her head out of the oven. Blogging
is seditious.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
it can be. Could me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lots
of buttons and signs for <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a>
in the Valencia.
While I was waiting in line to pay for my books
I overheard the cashier and the guy in front
of me talking about a party for Matt. There is a buzz in
town. Made me smile. And I am still a little
sad about Tom, despite the fact that I understand the
reasons people didn't support him. The election talk
is <a href="http://www.sfbg.com/38/08/news_ed_mayor.html">positioned
in terms of beating Newsom</a>. And I'm with that. People
want Tom to endorse Matt and that's articulated in a
way that find offensive. I don't really know Tom, so
I don't know how he feels. But I know that if I were
him, with the years of public service and two mayoral
runs, I would be feeling pretty sad right now. And I'd
be taking all the time I needed to "get over that."
I don't think Tom's supporters need him to tell them
to vote for Matt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it was a very lovely Sunday. I have some new books.
And now (groan) it's Monday. Again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(756)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_756"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:06
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e456" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e456"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e456"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't use the word <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Hegelian">Hegelian</a> in a sentence.
And that bugs me. Maybe I could if I thought
about it. But it doesn't occur to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
stomach was not happy yesterday so I read
a lot. I like to read things that make me
work. And I'm reading <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp;jsessionid=BB68EA79D7F50191E061788C646645BB.t1?s=showproduct&isbn=0231111347">this
book</a> by Eco which is working me. I need
the dictionary with me at all times. It
astounds me that this is true. There's more
than one kind of smart and I like the kind
of smart that I am. But I'm not smart like
that. I can't even imagine being able to
read all the things Eco references in the
book. And I can't use Hegelian in a sentence.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
that he does. At least not in this book.
Larry said that Curtis White's book was
Hegelian. White laughed and said yes it was.
And my eyebrows began to knit. It just seems
like a joke that I'm missing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Reading
Eco with a stomach ache might not have been
a good idea.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
It turns out Tom <a href="http://www.sfexaminer.com/templates/story.cfm?displaystory=1&storyname=112403n_ammiano">had
endorsed Matt</a> Sunday night. And he did it in the
most dignified way. He did it at a moment when people
were remembering the Milk/Moscone San Francisco <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e447">I
wrote a bit about</a> last week. He did it right after
he talked about forgiveness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/25/MNGCM3A5BT1.DTL">Angela
endorsed Newsom</a>. So typical. I can hope that people
will see it for the sleazy move that it is. I don't
know how much these endorsements matter but they made
for great theater. I'm slightly more tense about the
election. Or maybe that's the stomach ache, which still
hasn't gone away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html">Craig</a>
donated some art for an <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/calendar.php?calid=99">art
auction</a> for Matt. Sometimes I wish I were more of
a party girl.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still working on Eco. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(757)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_757"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:43
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e457" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e457"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e457"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
stomach is still not happy. Not really really
unhappy. But distracting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. Maybe I'm getting into some kind
of holiday funk. I've been in a funk for
so long that I don't want to succumb to
more.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
grandmother collected salt and pepper shakers.
And now I do. Sadly I don't have many of
hers. Mom gave them away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
had sets for every holiday. For Thanksgiving
she had an Indian man and woman carved
out of wood. And she had a boy pilgrim
candle and a girl pilgrim candle and
a turkey candle. I
used to play with them. I'd reenact the first Thanksgiving. I do
have the wooden Indians salt and pepper. And I have little plastic
Pilgrim kids and a turkey that I found years ago. They
are just like the candles.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my earlier adult life I used to cook huge
dinners and invite everyone I knew. I loved
doing it. Cooking for people is always fun
for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
apartment is small. Most of my friends have
families. I'm feeling reclusive and lost.
And it's hard to want to get out Pilgrim
kids, Indians and turkey toys knowing what
happened after that first meal. So it's
just a different time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I've been watching too many cooking shows.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like ritual. I like people gathering together for meals
and gratitude. I like salt and pepper shakers that you
only see once a year. Thanksgiving is haunted by the
story of what happened next. We brag about our plurality
but we are a country built on blood. Maybe we should
have a truth and reconciliation day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I just don't know. My stomach has been fussy. I am listless
and unfocused. I have my theories about why. But they're
only theories. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mayor
Brown says <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/11/26/MNG0J3AKES26.DTL">Matt
is a chauvinist who doesn't support minorities.</a>
This is <a href="http://www.chronwatch.com/editorial/2002-04-25b.asp">classic</a>
Brown. I have expressed <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August03.htm#e355">my
own fears</a> about Matt not getting my politic but
it's always ironic to me when people talk about him
and race since <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/article.php?id=5">he
is a person of color.</a> I've watched a lot of
the Rules committee and seen who Matt supports and doesn't
support in terms of appointments. He is fair. Brown
has stocked commissions with unqualified people, which
might have been OK if he helped them once they got there.
But he didn't. There's a <a href="http://beta.kpix.com/news/local/2003/11/25/Poll%3A_Gonzalez_Ahead_in_Race_for_SF_Mayor.html">new
poll</a> saying that Matt has a lead. So Willie does
what he's always done - uses personality politics to
obfuscate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are so many reasons to have a stomach ache. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(758)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_758"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:28
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e458" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e458"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e458"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There was a picture of picture of <a href="http://www.cwrightmills.org/">C
Wright Mills</a> on a motorcycle blogged
on <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a> the other day. And links to a bunch
of articles about him. I want to marry C
Wright Mills. But I say that about <a href="http://www.todayinliterature.com/stories.asp?Event_Date=11/27/1909">James
Agee</a>. And I also say I would never get
married. And they're both dead. Which says
something peculiar about my relationship
to Eros, I'm sure. It just made my heart
sing to look at the picture.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mills
might have been happy to know that
the <a href="http://www.uswa.org/uswa/program/content/737.php">USWA
is calling for a congressional hearing</a>
into the <a href="http://www.ftaaimc.org/en/2003/11/2216.shtml">massacre
in Florida.</a> I've always wondered what
might have happened if <a href="http://sf.indymedia.org/news/2003/11/1661487.php">organized
labor worked with the radical left</a>.
It could be <a href="http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Obituary/debord.html">Paris
in 68</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Demand
the impossible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
year on Thanksgiving <a href="http://www.treatycouncil.org/home.htm">a
group of Native Americans</a> to <a href="http://www.alcatrazhistory.com/mainpg.htm">Alcatraz</a>
for a sunrise ceremony and <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/index.php">KPFA</a>
plays it. The television is full of parades and football.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about people traveling across an ocean
to escape religious persecution. Why is it that people
who have been persecuted turn around and persecute others?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i><a href="http://www.pilgrimhall.org/landuse.htm">The
natives and the pilgrims had very different ways of
using the land.</a></i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
things don't <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/11/22/MNGG438J3K1.DTL">seem</a>
to <a href="http://www.commondreams.org/views02/0429-07.htm">change</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been surprised (I don't know why) to see how many things
there are on the news about how terribly fattening the
traditional turkey dinner is. It's just crazy. If you're
having dinner with family and friends, please don't
think about calories. please enjoy your meal. Eat too
much. Celebrate life and abundance and pleasure. Hug
people. Kiss people. And give thanks. Fortify your heart.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe I
should take my own advice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(759)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_759"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:13
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e459" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e459"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e459"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
won't be <a href="http://www.adbusters.org/campaigns/bnd/">shopping.</a>
But. You know. That's partly because I'm
unemployed. Although, even if I was muy
gainfully employed I wouldn't be out there
on the day after Thanksgiving.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had the idea that I might get a lot done
yesterday. But then I started watching the
West Wing marathon and couldn't stop. The
early episodes really were better. But there
was this one scene in which Bartlett has just been talking
to a guy from India and he says something about
wanting to remind him that we (America) also threw off
our imperial ruler. Which isn't exactly true. Many of
us are the imperial children of an imperial parent.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that is the thing about American identity that I find
so troubling. We are so central in our own story. We
ignore difficult truths about who we are. It's always
been true. Even now we complain about unemployment but
aren't willing to pay more for our t-shirts and athletic
shoes. We want everything our way and we want it all
to be simple. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read a lot of gratitude posts yesterday. Very moving.
And I still think that it's a good thing to gather together
with family and friends and share a meal. There was
also much use of the word gluttony to describe the day.
There is no doubt that we, as a country, consume in
unseemly amounts. So we arrive at our family home in
our SUV and then resist the urge for a second piece
of pie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Usually
I buy some already roasted turkey from <a href="http://www.wholefoods.com/">Hell
Foods</a> and cranberry something er other
but I found a turkey breast that I could
cook myself. It was a nice medium size.
I'm glad I got it if only for the smell
in the apartment while it was roasting.
I made some mashed potatoes with mushroom
gravy and green beans. Baked apple for desert.
It was easy. Mellow. Tasty. And I have
left overs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was good to be alone. For whatever reason it was what
I needed. My mood is too subject to chaotic flux.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(760)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_760"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:03
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e460" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e460"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e460"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
father and mother were divorced when I was three months
old. Mom remarried when I was in my teens and is married
to the same guy. Dad was married six times, twice to
the same woman. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't spend much time with Dad. I didn't even meet
him until I was eleven, or twelve. In his second marriage
he had another daughter. And the woman he was married
to twice had a daughter. So I have a half sister and
a step sister. My step sister phones me from time
to time, calls me sis. I've spoken to my half sister
a few times when I call my aunt on holidays. I've always
thought it was interesting that my blood relative sister,
much like our shared father, doesn't pursue a relationship
with me, while my step sister does.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I am reticent with all of them. In a way. I love them.
But I don't reach out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dad
is falling deeper into Altzheimers. My aunt and he are
in the same nursing home. I spoke with them last week.
My sister was there. As it turns out she will be moving
to California soon, fairly close to SF. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
should be interesting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
years I've held the idea that your family may be people
with whom you share no genetics. I feel bonded to friends
in ways I do not feel bonded to my family. I also feel
known by my friends in ways I do not feel known by my
family. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But,
as is often the case, the opposite is true as well.
I feel bonded to my family in ways I don't feel bonded
to my friends. I'm not entirely comfortable with my
family but I know they love me. And I love them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to think that if I could understand the intricate
wiring of my psychological connections with them that
I could be free. I'm not sure what I thought freedom
would feel like. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
in a few weeks my sister will call. We'll get together.
Talk. It should be interesting. Around the same time
my mom and stepfather will be in SF. They're coming
to watch me graduate. The ceremony for the MFA kids
is in December. It will be this moment of officialness.
All of this family stuff will be embedded in the holly
dazed whirl. I'm hoping all that work I did to track
the wires of why I am who I am serves me during this
time of meaning making. My sense is that I will need
to hang on for a long and bumpy ride. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(761)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_761"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:42
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e461" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e461"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">November</font></a><a id="e461"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2003
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cheryl
came over for dinner. Turkey in gravy, (of course) chard,
roasted potatoes and I made an apple/pear crisp. She
brought wine and good conversation.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up in the middle of the night. Not sure why. There
was some noise from the street and from the apartment
next door but not enough to wake me up, or keep me up.
So I don't know why but after an extended period of
thrashing I decide to read for a while. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
chest hurts. It's the feeling I usually have after about
of bronchitis. Except I haven't been coughing. It may
be because I've been doing different exercise. Nothing
so vigourous or extreme to hurt me but maybe I've taxed
a muscle group. If it doesn't go away I suppose I'll
need to find a way to see a doctor. Never something
I want to do. In part because <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/11/29/nyregion/29OBES.html">I
am fat</a> and in part I have a long held mistrust of
the medical profession. Too much money. I do know a
doctor in town. We'll see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
posting late. I've been reading all morning.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
something I've been thinking about for awhile. Every
now and again I read women on the web writing about
women on the web. Sexism, in particular. It seem like
many of the times I read things, they are written by
women who rarely, or never link me. And, more to the
point often link men. And, to be honest, they are women
I don't read very often. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I have thought about why.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Linkage
is currency in the world of the blog. the exchange rate
is measured in readers, I guess. I'm still thinking
about it. There is something thrilling about seeing
your words, or reference to your words, on someone else's
page. You know, you're clicking along through the blog
roll and <b>BAM </b>there's you name. I always feel
this combination of excitement and paranoia. Exposure.
If you're writing on line about things like when your
mother is coming to visit you must have some need to
reveal. It's like you're calling people in, through
the stage door to watch the other players with you and
wait for your entrance. You hope they'll be there when
you get back to tell you how you did. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.cocokat.com/archives/000706.php">Laurie
linked me</a> the other day. <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#106954965545304303">Elayne</a>
and <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_11_01_archives.html#106966455251763045http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_11_01_archives.html#106966455251763045">Cyndy</a>
linked <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e452">my
riff about JFK.</a> Each time I felt gratitude and warmth.
These are women who I do read regularly. I feel a relationship.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are a culture of experts. And the women who I don't
read seem (and since I have said I don't read them often.
I am willing to be wrong) to be courting a certain kind
of link. It seems like they want linkage from the guys.
Some of these women are tech writing. And that's a whole
world in which I have not much to say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the political blog world. Lots of linkage.
It seems I am not thought of as a political blog. The
exception, perhaps, is when I write about fat politics.
And I do feel like I have some authority in that world.
I'm not a political blog. I am political. I'm not overly
concerned with not being listed in the great debate.
I'm not an expert. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do see sexism on the web. On blogs by both women and
men. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of my life I worked with men. Restaurants. Rock-n-roll.
It's boy world. Or it was. I think I learned to listen
to sexism with some distance. In a way. I mean if guys
in the prep room are going on and on about tits and
ass while they chop the onions you learn to pick your
battles. You just aren't going to win them all. And
you have to come to work, day after day and you don't
want to feel tense the whole time. I have my limits.
And I have my way of making my point. It's all very
subtle. There's institutional sexism and then there's
stupid shit. Sometimes you just hear something (or read
something) and you can't hold it in. You just gotta
call it out. And sometimes you just shake your head
and keep on chopping.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a huge conversation. Full of subtlety. Some of the conversations
about sexism on the web have been interesting. Some
of them have been tired. Some of the ones in which I
participated felt like they were going somewhere and
... I dunno ... maybe I was wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
spent a long time writing this and I'm not sure what
I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm tired. Or maybe I have
bronchitis. Or something worse. Or nothing at all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I'll just go eat a tangerine. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(762)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_762"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:18
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> </p>
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