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<td width="720"> <p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>May 2003</b></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e211" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e211"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e211"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">1</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:22
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marilyn
and I had tickets to go see </span></font><a href="http://www.muse.ie/280400/interview/vic.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Vic
Chestnut</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
at </font><a href="http://www.bottomofthehill.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Bottom of the Hill</font></a></span><a href="http://www.bottomofthehill.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
We got there and found that there had been a fire there on Monday
and the show was cancelled. No one was hurt in the fire. I guess
there wasn't much damage. I'm not sure why they couldn't have let
us know. What ever. We went to </span></font><a href="http://www.rocksoupcafe.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Rock Soup</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
and got some dinner.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
truth is that I was worried about the seating in the club so I was
almost relieved when it wasn't happening. Everything I put in my
stomach yesterday seemed to hit it like gasoline. I think it was
nerves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I just feel like shit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is May. </span></font><a href="http://www.witchvox.com/holidays/xbeltaine.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Celebrate
as you will.</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
(link via </span></font><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.)
And </span></font><a href="http://flag.blackened.net/daver/anarchism/mayday.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">remember</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
(link via </span></font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cynd</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">y</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
) </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
rumor </font><a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/2003_04_01_pagecount_archive.html#200218120"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">was
true.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> And it
turns out it was Cyndy's birthday a few days before. Happy birthday.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George
has the </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/retro/000500.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">riff</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to </font><a href="http://www.stonefishspine.com/news/2003/apr/0106.php#levitate"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">levitate
CNN</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">More
on fat and cancer from the mighty </font><a href="http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/news_columnists/article/0,1299,DRMN_86_1922466,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Paul
Campos</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. (link
via </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000442.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">BFB)</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
going to try to feel better now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(511)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_511"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e212" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e212"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e212"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 12:01
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;" align="justify"><a href="http://limen.mi2.hr/limen2-2001/masnatta.html#fnB0"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Como � que sei tudo o que vai se seguir e que ainda o
desconhe�o, ja que nunca o vivi? </font></span></a></P>
<P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;" align="justify"><a href="http://limen.mi2.hr/limen2-2001/masnatta.html#fnB0"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">E eu que estou contando esta hist�ria que nunca me
aconteceu e nem a ningu�m que eu conhe�a? Fico abismado por saber tanto a
verdade.</font></span></a></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sweetnsour.org/traces/"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Monica</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">!
</font></span><FONT face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Feliz Anivers�rio!</span></FONT></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(512)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_512"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e213" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e213"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e212"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 10:19
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">I
LOVE </font><a href="http://www.levitatecnn.com/"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">this.</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">
</font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/retro/000500.php"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Get
up. Get on up.</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">
Yes. Yes. Yes. Makes me wanna shake my butt. </font></span></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">I
feel better. My stomach is still grumpy but not in flames.
I didn't get a thing done yesterday. Oh well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">OK.
What do we think? </font><a href="http://www.kucinich.net/"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Dennis
Kucinich</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">?
Or </font><a href="http://www.deanforamerica.com/"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Howard
Dean</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">?
They will both be in a debate tomorrow that we
can watch on </font><a href="http://www.c-span.org/homepage.asp?Cat=Current_Event&Code=Vote_2004&ShowVidNum=6&Rot_Cat_CD=Vote_2004&Rot_HT=&Rot_WD="><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">CSPAN</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">
this weekend. I was all about Dennis and may still be.
But, I have to say, I'm listening to Howard. And Howard
has a </font><a href="http://deancalltoaction.blogspot.com/"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">blog</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Craig's
art, which if you didn't check out </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April03.htm#e208"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">the
other day</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">
you should </font><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">go
do now</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">,
is going to be </font><a href="http://www.startsoma.com/nextshow.html"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">in
this show</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">I
really do need to focus today. It needs to be The Day
of Cooking Vegetables. I want to blanch asparagus and
green beans, roast Japanese eggplant and a yellow bell
pepper, (although, I might keep the pepper raw and slice
it into a salad I want to make with a mango and some
jicama) boil beets and ... that's it I think. Maybe
I'll roast some little yellow tomatoes I have as well
and make a stewy kind of a deal with the eggplant and
some shitakes. Hmmm. Well. It's a rainy day. The window
will get all steamy if I cook. I like that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Meanwhile
... is there a reason why my text is all pushed up to
the left? </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(513)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_513"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e213" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e213"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e213"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">3</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 10:19
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;" align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Whatthefuck?
Why is my text all bunched to the left?
I swear. I've checked everything I can
think to check. </font></span></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">The
Day of Cooking Vegetables went pretty
well. When I </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April03.htm#e204"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">defrosted</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600"> the fridge things
were out a little too long and were
not holding up. I actually lost the
green beans and the mango. The jicama
is OK so maybe I'll get another mango
and make the salad. Some of the aspargus
is kinda woody but..it's OK. The roasting
was the best thing. I did all the previously
mentioned veggies and ate them with
orzo. There's enough left over for today.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">And
I made some tapande. I like making it
when figs are fresh. A little bit of
fig adds a musky sweet thing. But I
had no figs and I used quite a bit of
roasted red bells. It's very red and
not too salty. I guess it's more of
a pepper/olive/garlic thing than a true
tapanade. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">My
stomach seems to be OK. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; width:70%;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">I
signed up for </font><a href="http://www.netflix.com/Default?lnkctr=TopNavLogo"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">Netflicks</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial" color="#006600">.
I get two free weeks. I figure I'll
go into a movie coma when school is
over.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(514)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_514"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e214" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e214"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e214"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">4</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:15
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thanks
to </span></font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dorothea</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
my text is back in place. Thank you
so much. I left some of it messed up.
Just cause. I guess that happened when
I did a cut and paste on the Portuguese quote. The 70%
must have traveled in with it. I swear I WILL LEARN
MORE HTML. Of course I'm always swearing that I'll learn
how to conjugate verbs in Spanish too. I can never really
have a conversation in Spanish that involves yesterday
or tomorrow. Although I do know how to say yesterday
and tomorrow. Heh. And thanks to </span></font><a href="http://phonezilla.net/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Paul</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">for
confirming Dorothea's diagnosis. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't believe I'm about to link to the
Fox network. But </span></font><a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,85744,00.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
am.</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
listening to </span></font><a href="http://www.wpr.org/book/030504b.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">To
The Best of Our Knowledge</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
They just talked to </span></font><a href="http://www.yummyfun.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
woman</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
Her site is too much fun but might be a drag on dial
up. And there's a little pop-up of her book. If it wasn't
so cute I'd be really annoyed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cyndy</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
linked to this site about the </span></font><a href="http://www.kent.edu/History/may4_1970/index.cfm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Kent
State massacre.</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I got the dates wrong in </span></font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
piece I wrote</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">,
which is also part of THE BOOK. Must edit later. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(515)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_515"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e215" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e215"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e215"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">5</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:15
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Weeeellllllll.
</span></font><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/sections/politics/DailyNews/interactive_dempresidential_candidates.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
debate</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
I watched most of it twice. The first
time I was screaming at the television
every time Lieberman opened his mouth.
The second time I just seethed. Things
opened with </span></font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2003/05/02/national1657EDT0716.DTL"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">some
silliness</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
between Kerry and </span></font><a href="http://www.deanforamerica.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dean</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
I missed the very beginning three times
so I don't know what the big deal was
or how it started, except I guess Dean
had been </span></font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/04/29/MN299490.DTL"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">misquoted</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
in the S.F. Chronicle (imagine my surprise) and he pointed
out that there had been a </span></font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/05/01/MN286131.DTL"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">correction.</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> Are these guys really
worried about Dean? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The conversation
about health care focused on </span></font><a href="http://www.dickgephardt2004.com/main/issues.html#health"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gephart's
plan</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
(Uh, first there's a tax break to employers
who give their employees heath care?
Why doesn't that seem like a particularly
great idea? I mean it's not the worst
idea but it sure wouldn't be my first
idea.) </span></font><a href="http://www.kucinich.net/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Kucinich</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was almost never called on to speak.
When he did get a word in he was very
cool. I think I do like him best. I
still like Dean but it was weird watching how contentious
things got between him and Kerry. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">They
talked about electability. Which I really
hate. I hate the idea. I hate the idea
that it was talked about instead of
an issue. And. The truth is, it's something that was
on my mind. Which brings me to </font><a href="http://www.sharptonexplore2004.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Reverend
Al </font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">and
</font><a href="http://www.carolforpresident.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Carol
Mosely Brown</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Both said wonderful things when they
got a chance. But. Are they electable?
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">If
I think about too much I get really
depressed and miserable. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Why
not Dennis and </font><a href="http://www.house.gov/lee/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Barbara
Lee</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?
That's who I want. And I doubt they're
electable. The only thing that makes
me more miserable is thinking about
the </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/21/news_race.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SF
mayoral election.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
there was some spatting and some chest thumping and
a few issues squeaked through. I do not like Edwards.
( He doesn't think it was about the oil. Paalllleease.)
Graham is ... I dunno. Not happenin. </font><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">Elayne</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">
blogged </font><a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/04/20030430-26.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">
the other day. There are no words for
how strongly I want this guy out of
office. But I need someone to vote for.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
seem to be following Cyndy all around
the Internet lately. She </span></font><a href="http://cmdrtaco.net/poemgen.cgi"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">blogged
this poem generator</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
and I got ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fatshadow function yaccs_c {document.<BR>write +yfs+ }<BR>else{ return
0}yfs=function get_comment_link 513 comment <BR>May still <BR>be. thin. person
for confirming diagnosis. I ycso[12]}if <BR>cc== {1 {20039:22 AM <BR>fat.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
kooky. I like it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
had </span></font><a href="http://www.citron-acote.com/html/acote.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">lunch</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
(</span></font><a href="http://www.citron-acote.com/html/acote_brunch.cfm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">yum
</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">)after
the swim so I wasn't too hungry for
dinner. But I had a </span></font><a href="http://www.evergreenseeds.com/evergreenseeds/chincuchybcr.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">Chinese
cucumber</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">
</font></span><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">that
I cut up and dressed with yoghurt and
sherry vinegar. And I was cooking some
</span></font><a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm?prodID=20"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">sausages</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">
to have ready for breakfasts this week.
I ate one with some of the cucs and
it was such a nice dinner. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.naafa.org/events/indd.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">Tomorrow</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(516)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_516"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e216" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e216"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e216"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">6</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:15
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
year there was a public event in SF
to celebrate No Diet Day. It was before
I had perma links but if you scroll
down you can see </span></font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May02.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">pictures</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="126">
<tr>
<td width="120">
<p><a href="http://www.naafa.org/events/indd.html"><img src="indd.gif" width="120" height="86" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
<td width="120">
<p><a href="http://www.largesse.net/INDD/origin.html"><img src="ribbon2002small.gif" width="45" height="66" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think </span></font><a href="http://www.fatso.com"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Marilyn</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
and some of the Bod Squad (the fat cheerleaders
in the pictures ) are going to something
but I'm off the loop. Which is fine.
I feel pretty somber these days about
fat stuff. I was reading some </span></font><a href="http://www.size-acceptance.org/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ISAA
</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">stuff
and I came across </span></font><a href="http://www.eskimo.com/~leiba/iamisaid.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
woman's story</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
ISSA has a </span></font><a href="http://size-acceptance.org/tribute/leiba/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">tribute
page</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
for her on which they say she passed
away from health complications. They
are not specific. There will be people
who will take one look at her picture
and say she died because she was fat.
But I've read </span></font><a href="http://www.eskimo.com/~leiba/history.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">her
story</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
The number of things she put her body
through from the age of seven in
an attempt to lose weight, ending with
gastroplasty, seem like </span></font><a href="http://gastricbypass.netfirms.com/wlsstats.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">reason
enough.</font></span></a></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Part of what makes a
person fat is their </font><a href="http://www.newcenturynutrition.com/public_html/webzine/archives/when_diets.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">diet
history</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And when people get on the diet roller
coaster so young they put themselves
at risk for so may health problems.
And now, the people who want you to
be afraid of being fat are telling us
that </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/HEALTH/conditions/05/04/obese.toddlers.reut/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">toddlers
are too fat.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
In the article they use the fear of
Type 2 diabetes. Which really pisses
me off since the link between fat and
diabetes is under </font><a href="http://ada.yellowbrix.com/pages/ada/Story.nsp?story_id=38340375&ID=ada"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">scrutiny</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and not accepted as a given.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
want </font><a href="http://www.radiancemagazine.com/spring_00/spring00_weight_lifting.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://victoria682.tripod.com/thelargestofall/id2.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">lives</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.kellybliss.com/about/1m1.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">of</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.seafattle.org/APATT/CSue.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">fat</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">people</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/2003_04_01_fattypatties_archive.html#93021413"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">to</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=fatandfeisty"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">be</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.shulersnet.com/jellyroll/about.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">known</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. We are a diverse
group. We do not all look alike. We
have different eating habits and feelings
about movement. We are not one size
fits all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
most of us have dieted. Once, twice,
twenty times. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">People
tell me that they like it when I write
about food. I do love food. Real food.
Yesterday
I got my first delivery from </font><a href="https://www.planetorganics.com/index.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Planet
Organics</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I got a box full of beautiful fruit
and vegetables grown by </font><a href="https://www.planetorganics.com/growers/growers.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">folks
like these</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I got a pineapple. I never buy pineapple.
Once I did some goofy diet that involved
eating a pineapple before every meal.
I really got sick of pineapple. So now I'm eating yoghurt and pineapple.
I am not on a diet.
It's so good. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(517)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_517"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e217" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e217"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e217"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">7</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 7:55
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was three months old my mom found lipstick on dad's
collar. Sounds like a country western song. But it's
true. We went home to (her) mother. I grew up in the
same house in which my mother was raised. In the same
room. There was this idea that Mom and I were lucky
to be living there. I think it came more from Mom than
Grandmom & Poppop. But I'm sure they had ways of
making Mom feel as if she were a burden. I also know
they needed her financial contribution and energy. Shortly
after we moved out they moved into a senior citizens
home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I grew up trying not to be a problem. Trying to be helpful
and cute. I felt like if I were too much of a problem
we might not have a place to live. And my Mom was a
working mother and I couldn't be too much of a problem
because she would get tired. So I tried to make her
smile and feel happy. And then, of course, I was fat
so I couldn't expect that people would like me unless
I was really, really, really ... something. Nice. Helpful.
Funny. Something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think there are ways in which that stuff was good. I
like being helpful. I like being able to see situations
with an awareness of myself as a member of a larger
group. If I am patient and kind it's because I had to
be. But those aren't bad things. And I'm not always
patient and kind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there are ways in which it sucked. Recently I've been
thinking about the ways in which, now, I am the
one with the problem. I am the one who doesn't like
parties and needs a ride and an extra chair and who
isn't satisfied with things. And it feels so yucky to
be the one with the problem. It feels like I might end
up homeless and friendless. I understand that it isn't
true in any kind of logical way. But. Sometimes. It
feels true.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I assert my bad self. As it were. And then I isolate
myself. Before they leave me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
fun. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(518)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_518"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e218" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e218"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e218"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">8</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:24
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
the thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel like I'm in the slide. School is,
for all practical purposes, over. No
more workshop. Next week we will have
a party at our teachers house. I have
a little more work for the teaching
writing class but nothing that will
keep me up nights. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday,
Kristina and I were sitting at the big
round table in the cafeteria at Lone
Mountain, where we've been meeting before
class for the last two years, and we
realized that I won't be there next
Tuesday and she won't be there next
Wednesday and that it was the last time
we would be there together. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
said. "That's a lot to take in."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
said. "I ain't takin it in."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
classes will be over. I'll have this
summer working with </span></font><a href="http://distortionthebook.com/beachy.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Stephen</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on THE BOOK and then it'll be done.
It'll be done because, honesttogawd
I can not work on it any more. I have
other book ideas but I can't even think
about them right now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have to send pieces of writing out and
I keep not doing it. I have to look
for a job and I keep not doing it. I
have to reinvent myself for the zillionth
time. And I'll be fifty in month and
a half. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
it's not about the age. Because I like
being the age I am. It's about the roundness
of the age. And it is about the fear.
Because the age does mean things about
time. And it is about letting go of
some things. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I am beginning a new time. And I want
to be excited. But I still have one
foot in the time I've been in. But I
can feel it all beginning to move faster.
And it feels like a slide. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
always feel like it's best to hold the
shadow and light parts of myself in
some kind of balance. I am feisty and
full of ire and ready to play. And I'm
also tired and full of old stories and
wanting to stay in my own little world
of books and cooking and blogging. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
night I had a tornado dream. First one
I've had in a while. I was in Colorado
with Karen and the Diamonds. and I was
worried about Lee Trees. And the tornado
was huge and it was going to destroy
everything and it took us by surprise
because there aren't supposed to be
tornadoes in the mountains. But we were
safe. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
could just be that Cynthia showed me
photos of tornadoes and there were tornadoes
in the news last week.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Or
it could signal a coming storm.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
gonna stop thinking about it all. If
I can. I'm going to clean my apartment
and watch some </font><a href="http://www.netflix.com/Default?lnkctr=TopNavLogo"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Netflicks</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and finish my homework and play </font><a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/2003_05_01_archive.html#200252621"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
new game </font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">from
Meg. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/blogger.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/scavenger.gif" border="1" bordercolor="black" width="100" height="40" alt="The Mandarin Scavenger Hunt - Friday May 9th 2003"></a>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(519)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_519"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e219" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e219"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e219"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">9</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:33
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
faced the pile of bills and then talked myself out of walking
to the </span></font><a href="http://www.goldengatebridge.org/photos/bridgewalk.html#"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Golden
Gate</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
and jumping. I called the financial aid office to ask
when I might be getting my check and it seems there
may be confusion about my money having to do with whether
summer is in the 02/03 year or the 03/04 year. I need
to fill out a </span></font><a href="http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">FAFSA
</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
which I never thought I'd have to do again. And I may
not get money till the end of June. Which will be way
too late. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
just need to get a job. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
guess I was hoping I could get through the summer without
one, work on THE BOOK and maybe teach in the fall. Or
something like that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
used the </font><a href="http://video.go.com/amelie/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">movie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.secretarythemovie.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">coma</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to try and forget about money. But the movies made me
think about sex. And love. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
are things to happy about. I love the sound and smell
of balsamic vinegar when it hits the pan in which you've
been sauteing kale and pieces of flatiron steak.
And my mom bought me </font><a href="http://www.lbcatalog.com/lbcatalog/product/product.asp?pf_id=37685&dept_id=823&parent_id=822&rootdept=600&"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
dress</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Which I'll wear. If I ever go out my door again. Which
I will have to do. I guess. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(520)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_520"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e220" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">10</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:47
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of the day I sulked and cried. I got
back in bed and finished reading </span></font><a href="http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/catalog/titledetail.cfm?titleNumber=693062"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Naked
In The Promised Land</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
I saw it in the back of Marilyn's van and borrowed it.
I don't usually borrow books because I'm a slow reader
but this one just called to me. The book is a memoir.
She and I have some similar experience. She was raised
by a single mother and a doting childless aunt. I was
raised by a single mother and had two doting childless
aunts. There are big differences in our lives but she
did this thing that I'm hoping I've done in my book.
She describes how sometimes having a single mother is
like being married. She describes the inner emotional
struggle that happens as you grow up and the wrenching
need to break away from that relationship. And when
I finished the book I cried in big choking sobs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And then.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a little back room. Perfect place
for junk to build up. I put a desk back
there. Well. Two metal file cabinets
with a board on top and material covering
the board. All my cookbooks are on the
shelves. It's kinda junky but it's also
nice. When it's clean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
while back when I moved furniture I
took my futon apart. The frame is broken
and it was buggin me. So, the frame
has been in the back room. And it takes
up most of the space. Things kinda built
up around it. Boxes and papers and you
know...junk. I got this surge of energy,
pulled the futon frame out of the back,
broke down the boxes and got them ready
to haul down to recycle, cleaned it
all up. Mostly. There
are still issues. I had to put the futon
frame back in there. Someday I have
to get it hauled away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
turned off the television while I worked. </span></font><a href="http://www.cassandrawilson.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Played</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.vervemusicgroup.com/verve/product.asp?pid=10030"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">some</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.plume-noire.com/music/releases/lucindawilliams.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">music</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/cd/review.asp?aid=2042070"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">instead</font></a></span><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
</span></font><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/fridayreview/story/0,12102,844514,00.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ripped</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.felaproject.net/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.canoe.ca/JamAlbumsD/dixiechicks_fly.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">few</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
into the computer</font></span><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
Turned the television back on long enough to watch </span></font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Moyers</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
it was a little difficult to bear his conversation with
</span></font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/science/gates.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Bill
Gates</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But it was the kind of show that puts things into perspective.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
the end of the evening I was feeling a little calmer.
I mean this is just one of those times. And I have to
start taking little steps and move forward. And I will.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I was writing this I went looking to see if I'd written
about moving the furniture. I think I did but I can't
remember when. But I noticed that I'd never put a link
to the October page on my </span></font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">more
stuff page</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
I updated the book list and moved a few things over
there. I moved the </span></font><a href="http://www.shinybluegrasshopper.com/nowar/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Attack
Iraq? No!</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
button. I mean. Clearly. We have. And I moved the </font><a href="http://www.mertonai.org/amina/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Amina
Lawal</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
picture. </font><a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pattie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
forwarded me a letter that there is some concern that
the campaign may be harmful to her case. I'm linking
to Amnesty so I'm not worried about that but there's
been no news. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know
if anyone really jumps to the more stuff page. I guess
it's the junk room for my blog. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(521)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_521"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e221" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e221"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">11</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 10:13
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
classmate of mine wrote a piece that was none too complimentary
toward her mother. There were folks in my class who
were offended. Oh. Maybe offended is too strong of a
word. But one of them said something about "our
<strike>mother's</strike> mothers (DOH!) and how much they've done for us..." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess I have a complicated view on the mom thing. My
own relationship with my mom is complicated. I love
her in a desperate, inchoate, reflexive kind of a way.
I am always running towards her and pushing away from
her, simultaneously. When we have been together and
we part company I weep. I love my mom. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it's good to have a day when people demonstrate
their love and respect for their moms. I like flowers
and cards. I like the sentimentality of it all. But
I understood what my classmate was writing about. I
understood the tension and the misery and the shedrivesmecrazy
feelings. Giving birth does not automatically make a
mother.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><strike>Mother's</strike>
(DOH!) Mothers are just girls. Girls who loved a man or made a choice
to be inseminated. Girls who want affection and kisses
and hugs and shiny eyes that look back at them. And
they are women. Women who need to feel engaged with
their own lives. Women who want time and space. Women
who want to chose when and where and how they express
their affection. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
sometimes that all mixes up and there are moments when
moms and their kids share this skin aching love. When
you just look at each other and you know that you are
as deeply connected as you will ever be to any one.
Ever. And sometimes that hurts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not trying to be all shitty about the mom thing. But
it's not as simple as everything they've done for us.
Some do more, Some do less. Some enjoy doing it and
some resent it all. Most are just trying to get through
each day making sure that everyone has what they need
and all the work gets done and many are making it up
as they go along and hope hope hope they aren't fucking
it up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have big admiration and respect for moms. Especially
my own mom. And I sent her a plant and we talked on
the phone and we gushed and cooed at one another. And
I hung up and felt that gap. The distance. The ways
in which she does not know me. Cannot know me. Does
not want to know me. But she loves me. And I love her.
And it's simple. And it's complicated. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you're a mom I hope someone is making you a lovely meal
and giving you a handmade something-or-other and wetting
your cheek with kisses and laughing with you about it
all. But mostly I hope you can feel through the complexity.
Through the apple pie failures and the words not spoken
and the phone that doesn't ring and the card that doesn't
come. These stories that we write are a mystery. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(522)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_522"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e222" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e222"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">12</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:21
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had the television on with the sound off the other day.
I was on the phone and I was flipping through channels,
not really looking. I came upon a show that was some
kind of Believe It Or Not type thing. There was a very
fat woman and they were showing her naked. I mean there
were blurry patches over the obvious places but
it was kind of shocking. At one point she was in bed
and a man was washing under her arms. The image has
been haunting me. I didn't have the sound on so I don't
know what they were saying about her but she was so
exposed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
felt haunted lately. </span></font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000451.php"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Paul
blogged</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.freep.com/news/locoak/nhox2_20030502.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
story</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
about a fat man who died because the hospital he was
taken to after a car crash couldn't treat him and sent
him to another hospital. They couldn't treat him because
the operating table couldn't support his weight. He
bled to death on the way to the second hospital. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a Yahoo group of health at every size folks from
which I get mail and a member said that </span></font><a href="http://www.bhag.net/2001/2001douglasm/pdouglasm.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mary
Douglas</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">argues that health concerns cannot be taken only at face
value, that people
will select for worry those risks that help to reinforce the social
solidarity of their institutions. </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans,Arial">I
feel haunted. I keep thinking about dignity. And the
loss of dignity. </font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(523)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_523"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e223" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e223"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">13</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:55
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
in a terrible, terrible mood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Don't
worry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
working on it. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(524)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_524"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e224" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e224"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">15</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 7:08
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Last night was the last class in my MFA program. I don't
actually have an MFA yet. I need to finish the work
with Stephen this summer. But I will. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still in a pretty terrible mood. There are so many emotions
knocking around in me. I can't quite decided which one
to feel. I'm just trying to hold on while I ride through
them. I just have to finish the writing and find
a job and get on with it. It isn't the worse thing to
have to go through. But it isn't the easiest. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
appreciate the support from my on line community. And
my off line community. I really, really do. And I am
working on getting through all this fear and weariness
and stuff. This is the culmination of something I began
six years ago. I got my BA and now this. I don't think
anything I'm feeling is weird or unusual. I'm middle
aged, unemployed and deeply in debt. With some letters
after my name. Almost. It's hard to figure out how to
feel good about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no small irony in finishing this writing program
and feeling like I can barely put enough language together
to make a post. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(525)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_525"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Powers
of observation heightened beyond the
normal imply extraordinary disinvolvement:
or rather the double process, excessive
preoccupation and identification with
the lives of others, and at the same
time a monstrous detachment ...The tension
between standing apart and being fully
involved:that is what makes a writer.
</span></font>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> --
Nadine Gordimer</span></font></p>
<p><a id="e225" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e225"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">16</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 8:46
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think there's a thing with MT, and maybe
with other blogging tools, where you
get an e-mail when you get a new comment.
</span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">YACCS</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> doesn't send e-mail and sometimes
I look at an old post and realize that
someone has left a comment that I didn't
see. Such is the case with my </span></font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e220"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">May
10th post</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
</span></font><a href="http://akma.disseminary.org/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">AKMA</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
stopped by and I didn't know till last
night. I've been a bleary blogger lately.
Not reading everyone. Not commenting.
Moving through this muck of emotion.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so </span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/allcomments?blog_id=90000008560&thread_id=521"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">AKMA
asked for my thoughts</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
on the things I am reading and such.
I had a funny reaction. You'd have to
know the sound that the </span></font><a href="http://thesims.ea.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SIMS</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
make when they see a wilting plant.
It's a quizzical kind of hhhhheehhh
sound that sounds a little bit like
</span></font><a href="http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/watch/tv_shows/scoobywhatsnew/index.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Skooby
Do</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
What do I think? Hhhhheehhh? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/catalog/titledetail.cfm?titleNumber=693062"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Lillian Faderman book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was compelling to me but I think that
was, in part, because of when I'm reading
it. She writes about being a Jewish,
poor, lesbian, sex worker who goes to
college and becomes an academic and
has a baby. I'm writing about being
Methodist, working class, sexually frustrated
and fat, going to college and becoming...well
we don't know yet. I'd like to think
that it would be interesting to everyone.
It certainly does describe a time and
place. It describes the way class and
physicality enable and disable. She
writes in a strong narrative voice.
She has a great tale to tell. So if
you like reading about people's lives
and you want more than a story of an
individual, if you want to read a persons
life in a political and historic context,
you might like it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I did link to </font><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/fridayreview/story/0,12102,844514,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
review</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
of Joni Mitchell's </font><a href="http://www.musiciansnews.com/music/75/80/travelogue.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">latest</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> that
wasn't totally positive. Why did I do
that? Hhhhheehhh? I'm not sure. I laughed when I read
the part about her nicotine ravaged
vocals and bitter dissatisfaction. It's
true. She sounds like she's lived a
life. I wasn't sure I'd like the second
album of orchestrated Joni. But I did.
I do. I'm unreasonable about Joni. I
adore her every raspy breath. The orchestra
gives the music an epic feel. I like
it. It suits my epic mood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not sure I'm very good at writing about
this kind of thing. </font><a href="http://www.allconsuming.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">All
Consuming</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has a place for book review and I never fill it out.
But it would be
good for me to think about writing my
thoughts about books and music and stuff.
Certainly better than the dreary woe-is-I
stuff I've been doing lately.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Adrienne
came over. We ate goat cheese and olive
spread and tangerines and a really good
cake that she baked with strawberries.
And macaroons. There aren't that many
people I can hang with when I'm in this
droning place. And it was good to not
be alone. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Blogging
is funny. There is a lot of great thinking in the blog
world. I try to think on the page. But I also try to
be with the blood flow in my blog. My blood. In other
words there are days when the blood flow is about something
political or cultural. And there are days when I'm writing
here in the manner of the </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/What_Color_Is_The_Dress.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">thin
gray note books</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I used to carry. I'm writing my own narcissistic emotional
spin. And there's a very specific reason why I do. I'm
trying to push against the belief that I am alone. Or
that I will be left if I have too much need, or tell
the truth. When I write a dreary head in hands post
I worry that I will be abandoned for lack of content.
But I never am. There are always comments and e-mails
and phone calls. And I pull myself together, look away
from the reflection in the water and look toward the
folks who are there and I feel better. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
not that I think that AKMA was saying that I shouldn't
write in my own way, or that I should write in a different
way. I don't think any of that. But his questions did
kind of jog my blog brain. Hhhhheehhh? </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(526)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_526"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p><a id="e226" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e226"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">16</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 3:10
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Does
it look OK? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
making soup and doing laundry
and fooling around with
this site of mine. I was
strongly influenced by </span></font><a href="http://www.stonefishspine.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">stonefishspine</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But I tried not to copy
exactly. I keep looking
at it and looking at mine
and I see the differences.
But I see the influence.
So I'm chewing my nails
a bit about feeling like
I'm stealing. It was the
textured background that
I liked so much. I got this
one from </font><a href="http://www.squidfingers.com/patterns/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">squidfingers</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
which I found following
a link on </font><a href="http://www.littleyellowdifferent.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">little.
yellow. different.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
There are always issues
so let me know if something
isn't working. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
soup is for a friend who
had a minor surgery. It's
roasted garlic and ginger
carrot soup. First I roasted
some garlic. The smell of
roasting garlic is just
so good. Then I sauteed
some yellow onion, celery,
mushed in the garlic and
a few spoonfuls of ground
ginger. I cooked this for
a minute because it toasts
the spice but you have to
be careful not to burn it.
Then in went some chicken
stock and carrots and some
</font><a href="http://homecooking.about.com/library/weekly/aa022601a.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yukon
golds</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The Yukon golds add some
body and creaminess. Then
I cooked it all till it
got mushy and blended it
with my</font><a href="http://www.esalton.com/store/application?namespace=esalton_main&origin=itemsummary.jsp&event=link.details&wlcs_catalog_item_sku=1740&wlcs_catalog_category_id=M001&wlcs_document_type=details&com.bea.event.type%3Dcom.bea.product.click.event%26com.bea.event.userid%3Dnull%26com.bea.event.documentid%3DTOASTMASTER+HAND+BLENDER%26com.bea.event.documenttype%3Dnull%26com.bea.event.sku%3D1740"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
magic blender stick</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(Mine is a little older
and not quite as spiffy.)
It's pretty good soup. It
has a kick. </font><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
says I should write about
food. So there. I did. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
listened to music for a
while but now I have the
</font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=17304"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">budget
committee on.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I'm strung out on these
guys. They're working so
hard. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(527)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_527"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#0D660D">But the writer knows something no-one else knows; the sea-change of the
imagination. </font></span>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> --
</span></font><a href="http://www.nobel.se/literature/laureates/1991/gordimer-shortstory.html"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">Nadine Gordimer</font></span></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I moved the perma link and
time stamp to the bottom,
which is where it is on
most blogs. Every once in
a while someone will try to link to me and not be able
to figure out where my perma link is. Maybe this will
be better. I keep tweaking. I wrote to the </span></font><a href="http://www.stonefishspine.com/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">stonefishspine</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
fellow to confess the potential sin of template theft.
He wrote back and was generous and sweet and said, "The
web is about collaboration and cooperation." Well.
I'd like to think so. But there was a way in which I
was walking a line. I really liked the layers and colors
on his blog. I like the writing too. And the things
he links to. And he has </font><a href="http://www.levitatecnn.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">great
ideas</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But I liked the feel of his style and it was in my head
when I was doing my design. It just seemed better to
confess. And get absolution. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marilyn
stopped by and brought me
a graduation present, wrapped
in paper with books and
globes on it.
Very scholarly. And perfectly
matching ribbon. It was a ceramic
statue of Our Lady of Quadalupe
with these fiber optic lights
behind her. Psychedelic.
I love her. </span></font><a href="http://www.usfca.edu/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">USF</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> is a </span></font><a href="http://www.usfca.edu/jesuit/tradition.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jesuit
schoo</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">l and there are BVM
statues all over the place.
I love them. I think it's
hard for people who were
raised Catholic to understand
how much I love Catholic
art. I really do. I'm a
wanna be Catholic. Except for all the guilt and stuff.
One of the last things I did at school was to say goodbye
to the statues. Now I have one of my own.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched </span></font><a href="http://www.newline.com/sites/magnolia/"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Magnolia</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
It was pretty amazing. Layers
of meaning, the aching need
that we all have, even for people who hurt us, the grace
of forgiveness, the exhaustion of love and the commodification
of the unusual. When the movie was in theaters they
used Tom Cruise to pitch it. It's not that I don't like
him but it just didn't seem interesting. So I was surprised
at the complexity. And the look on the women's face
at the end ... like she has just won the things happen
lottery ... I loved that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/ivins.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Molly
Ivins was on Now </font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">last
night. Moyers seemed to
be having a great time talking
to her. I know I would be
havin fun talkin to her. I love her. They were talking
about the Texas Dems </span></font><a href="http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/5867017.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">who
ran to Oklahoma to avoid
voting on redistricting</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
I love those guys. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just full of love ain't
I?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
a bit manic. Low lows. High highs. But I'm riding it.
</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(528)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_528"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e227" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e227"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e220"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">17</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:58
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/2003_05_01_archive.html#200304810"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Meg is always stealing</font></span></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">.
It makes me laugh. </span></font></p>
<img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/images/v13.gif" width="50" height="50"><img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/images/v14.gif" width="50" height="50"><img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/images/v22.gif" width="50" height="50"><img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/images/v45.gif" width="50" height="50"><img src="http://www.mandarindesign.com/images/v37.gif" width="50" height="50">
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(529)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_529"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e228" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e228"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e221"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">17</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 12:03
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Our senses are currently whip-driven by a feverish new pace of technological
change. The activities that mark us as human, though, don't begin, exist in, or
end by such a calculus. They pulse, fade out, and pulse again in human tissue,
human nerves, and in the elemental humus of memory, dreams, and art, where there
are no bygone eras. They are in us, they can speak to us, they can teach us if
we desire it. - </span></font><a href="http://www.pifmagazine.com/2001/05/b_a_rich1.php3"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">Adrienne
Rich </font></span></a><p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the back of my apartment
building there is a small
garden area. I look down
on it from my bedroom and
kitchen windows. There is
a picnic table and some
benches. A few of the tenants
make it their business to
keep all the plants, many
of which are in pots, watered.
It always seems like I should
go down there and enjoy
being ... out. But I never
do. I walk through it on
the way to the laundry room.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
yesterday I grabbed </font><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0374190909&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id="><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and went to the corner cafe,
got a coffee, brought it
back and read in the garden.
It really is nice out there.
There's a Lilly of the valley
bush. I remember Lilly of
the Valley in my grandmother's garden but they were
individual little plants. This is a bush full of dangling
bells. It has a short blooming
season but when it's blooming
it smells so wonderful.
Now all the little white
bells are dry. And yet they
still look beautiful.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was back in the apartment in front of the screen before
long. My </font><a href="http://www.netflix.com/Default"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Netflix</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
free trial period is winding up. I watched </font><a href="http://www.finelinefeatures.com/sites/savinggrace/index_static.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Saving
Grace.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Sweet. Funny. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I clicked through </font><a href="http://www.craigslist.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Craig's
list</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Looking for the next step. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(530)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_530"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e229" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e229"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e221"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">18</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:22
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
love </font><a href="http://www.nbc.com/American_Dreams/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">American
Dreams</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I really do. They're talkin
about my generation. The
minute I hear the theme
song I start doing dance
moves I haven't done since
I was 15. It all comes back.
The Wee Teen dances on Friday
nights at the </font><a href="http://www.boro.dormont.pa.us/Facilities/FA_RecCenter.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">rec
center.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
All the girls doing chain
dances in the middle of
the floor and all the boys
lined up against the wall
waiting for the slow tunes.
Only a few girls were ever
asked to dance slow. I never
was. But I loved to dance.
And dance. And dance. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
night's episode was about
tensions exploding in the
African American community. I cried through
much of it. I remember sitting
in front of our black and white television watching
the scenes from cities where things were burning. Black
and white television. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Earlier
in the evening I'd seen
a small segment of an old
60 Minutes interview
with Tony Morrison in which
she talked about never really
trusting white people. She
talked about a kind of vigilance
that she feels. She's open
to the possibility that
they may be friends. But
if the train pulls up to
take away all the black
folk she imagines her white
friend will not do anything
to stop it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the last scene of last </font><a href="http://www.nbc.com/American_Dreams/episode_guide/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">night's
episode </font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
white girl is taken out
of the riot zone in her
uncle's police car while
the black boy is huddled
over the body of a young
black man who has been shot
by the police. The boy and
girl are looking at each
other, she is going home
to her safe clean neighborhood
and his world is in flames.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do like the show. They do
a pretty good job of portraying the complications of
race relations in that time. It is prime time TV so
it does get reductive.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
But then there's the music.
And I want to forget all
the problems and dance in
the middle of the floor
again. Once another girl
came up to me and said that
I danced like a black person.
I thought it was a compliment.
I smiled and said thanks.
She gave me a look. It seemed
clear that there was something
I wasn't understanding.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
girl in the back of her uncle's police car is just
beginning to understand. She has seen the police, her
uncle among them, walk away from a young man bleeding
in the street. She is in the car with them. She is looking
at her friend and they both know that something is changing.
They just want to listen to records together and talk
about their teenage problems. But the world around them
is exploding. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
remember. I remember being confused by the rage and
the hatred. There were things I did not understand.
Things I did not want to understand. Things have changed.
But we are still so far from where we need to be. I'd
like to think that someday there will be no fear of
the train coming. There will be no possibility
for betrayal. I'd also like to think that if the train came
I'd say if you're taking them you're taking me first.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
week I was in a conversation about </font><a href="http://www.keithboykin.com/arch/000735.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jayson
Blair</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(link via </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)
All white people in the conversation. They just had
to speculate on the whether he would have been hired
and promoted if he'd been white. Well. There's a guy
in the White House who wasn't elected and isn't qualified.
So having a job and being any good at the job are not
necessarily mutually reflective. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Cause we just wanna dance all night <BR>Live inside the spark of light <BR>This
might be the only time around <BR><BR>We wanna know the face of freedom <BR>We
wanna make a place where <BR>We can learn to love <BR>Build a world that we
can be proud of <BR></span></font><a href="http://www.tvlinksonline.com/boards/showthread.php?s=&threadid=51395"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This is my generation</span></font></a><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">.<BR></span></font>
<p><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/05/19/162207"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">Malcolm
X</font></a><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">
would have been seventy eight today.</font></span></p>
<div align="left">
<table border="0" width="216">
<tr>
<td width="210">
<p><img src="malcolm2.jpg" width="209" height="250" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(531)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_531"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e230" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e230"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e221"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">19</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:28
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#0D660D">It amazes me sometimes, really steals my breath away to watch the changing of
the mood guard, see the steady, stable sister of Sanity saunter off, swaying her
hips like an Egyptian dancer. Her cousin Blissed-Out Hedonist slithers up in her
place, shakes a tailfeather or two, whispers something naughty in my ear and
gets me to say it to certain special people. And anyone else I might happen
upon. No sooner am I boogie-ing with her than she checks her watch,
tongue-kisses me and says it's time for her to fly and Irritable Grumpus
Hedgehog mood shows up, grinding axes and teeth and spitting bile. Acid-tongued
and bitching at the world. Irritable Grumpus Hedgehog does not permit me to
answer the ringing telephone, or to reply to e-mails, or to quietly enjoy a book
or magazine article. Irritable Grumpus Hedgehog snaps at me and reminds me that
I am, now and always and ever shall be, surrounded by nothing but crap. He makes
me to lie down in brown dead dried-up pastures and gurgle helplessly in my own
retch. I am glad when his stay is up. His departure nearly makes me light up, if
just for a brief flicker, when finally, after all these months, my Little Black
Depression Cloud moves in to nest all over me, cover me with sad precipitation.
-</font><font face="Lucida Sans"> <a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/2003_05_18_slumberland_archive.html#200324816">Laurie</a></font></span><p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got a different kind of </font><a href="http://www.numitea.com/version2/templeHeaven.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">green
tea</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It's good. Smokey. Mmmm.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Laurie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is a juke box. I always leave her blog humming. Seriously.
And </font><a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/2003_05_18_slumberland_archive.html#200312039"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">she
was writing</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about India Arie. I love </font><a href="ndia%20Arie"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">India
Arie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
week there was a thread about women and self image on
a couple of blogs. I jumped to them from a post on </font><a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2003_05_11.html#e001686"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cav
Lec</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I was in my reallyfuckingmiserable bad mood so I didn't
totally respond. But it stuck in the back of my mind.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
other day a woman I know said that she is thinking about
plastic surgery. She's in her mid forties and she's
beginning to see the signs of aging and she's not diggin
it. I had to take a breath before I reacted. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
stuff pisses me off. This narrow band of what is beautiful.
Narrow. I do not fit. I never have. I remember a dear
friend of mine telling me that when she got older (by
which I mean around 50) she became invisible. She's
was and is a very nice looking woman. At the time I
thought she was imagining it but lately I think she's
right. It's not a new experience for me. People only
look at fat people if their going to make a joke. Much
of the time I move through the world invisible. And
it does seem more true in the past few years. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I had to take a breath and think about what it's like
for a woman who has been in the checkherout world and
then she begins to look older and there aren't as many
people checking. I can't really feel that loss since
it's something I haven't had. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have some experience. I was in a cab once with a driver
who was loving my fat body. I knew this because he was
telling me. He was looking me up and down and asking
me if I'd ever seen a certain magazine, which I knew
was fat porn. I said I had not. He kept saying he loved
woman like me and when I got out of the cab he gave
me his card. It was all pretty slimy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I remember walking around with a friend who is very
thin. She was wearing a short summer dress and men were
just staring at her. I was stunned. I really hadn't
seen men be so blatant and lurid and invasive in a while.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
guess I did get some of that when I was younger. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So.
How we look. What does it mean? It's a maelstrom. I
have three </font><a href="http://www.lbcatalog.com/lbcatalog/product/product.asp?pf_id=35306&dept_id=3432&parent_id=&rootdept=600&"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">new
shirts</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
that my mom bought. They're just big baggy shirts but
they're great colors. I feel lit up when I'm in them.
I like feeling lit up. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And I
like the big gray streaks in my hair. I think older
women are beautiful. I think older men are beautiful.
It drives me crazy to think that people have surgery
to change the way their body looks. I just feel like
you gotta dig in deep and find you heart and feel your
beauty and then look in the mirror. Because all the
curves and lines and stuff that hangs a little lower
than it did last year is beautiful.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Beeeyooottttiffuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllll.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(532)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_532"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e231" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e231"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">20</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 8:44
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
hot in SF. The weather is so moderate here that complaining
about it feels petulant. I'm not exactly complaining.
But I am slouching in my chair. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't actually mind heat. I worked in the kitchen for
too many years. Standing beside a 450 degree oven for
eight to ten to twelve hours beats back your nerve endings.
Fucks with your inner thermometer. You just stop noticing.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I did sleep on top of the blanket last night. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
listening to the mighty </font><a href="http://www.kucinich.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dennis
Kucinich</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on </font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">KPFA.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I like him. I like him a lot. But I heard </font><a href="http://deancalltoaction.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dean</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on CPSAN this weekend. And I still kinda like him. Dennis
will be here this weekend and I want to go </font><a href="http://www.kucinich.net/schedule.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">hear
him</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://phonezilla.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Paul
is getting married</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I'm not that into the institution of marriage, truth
be told. But it has been so dear to read Paul when he
talks about it. He seems so delighted. It's just so
cool to read someone delight in their relationship.
So I wish them all the best. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000456.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Big
Fat Blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is doing a bit of fund raising. I'm getting my </font><a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/bigfatblog.4793976"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">tote
bag</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
As soon as the student loan comes in. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(533)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_533"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e232" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e232"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">21</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:33
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Just
as I was about to publish my post I noticed that I had
a </font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/allcomments?blog_id=90000008560"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">second
comment</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on yesterdays post. And it was from </font><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/bigfatmama/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Angela</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I wasn't feeling like I had much to say today but asking
me how I feel about power is a great way to kick up
a rant. I have a lot to say about power. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do think beauty has a kind of power. And the media exalted
kind of beauty has a very specific kind of power. It's
the power of privilege. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do understand my friend struggling with losing the power
of the beauty of youth. But I also think the real struggle
is about a shift of values. It's about fighting internalized
oppression. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
am not sure that I want to accept that we are not all
built for self acceptance. I think there are large commercial
institutions that want us to believe we are not all
built for self acceptance. Every once in a while someone
leaves me a comment that talks about the difficulty
of (specifically) size acceptance. And it <b>feels</b>
like I'm being told that I have some advanced level
of acceptance that isn't easy and that I shouldn't expect
that other people can get to the level. Sometimes it
worries me because I never want to portray a deep inner
level of self acceptance as a vertical process. Ya know
like it gets better and better and you get stronger
and stronger and one day you just start to glow. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Not
in my experience. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
want to question the assumptions about things, my own
and others. I specifically question the assumptions
about beauty and, even more specifically, the assumptions
about beauty and fat bodies.</font></span><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">
T</font></span><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">here i<i>s "a difference </i>(absolutely)
<i>between empowering yourself and the full blast of power
that a magazine cover type beauty has in her hands." </i>Empowering yourself
is a difficult inner process. It doesn't really ever
stop. Not when you live in a culture that bombards you
with images that look nothing like you and rarely shows
anyone who looks like you romantically, successful in
their career, or powerful in a substantive meaningful
way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I know Angela gets this. She writes about it </span></font><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/bigfatmama/59816.html?mode=reply"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">regularly</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
with great spirit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it's possible to hold the complexity of two truths.
Women who participate in the affirmation of a media
and/or culturally constructed notion of beauty are living
in the masters house. Do I think they are lesser? Or
weaker? Or not as self actualized as I am? No. I do
not think about in those terms. I think they are making
a choice. And so am I. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font color="#0D660D" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
this pondering and yammering that I do is the daily
effort to not lose myself. The choice I am talking about
is made in a context of oppression way fatter than I
will ever be. I don't blame anyone for wanting to hold
onto the privilege of beauty. I do ask them to think
about what their choice does to keep the machine in
motion. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(534)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_534"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e233" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e233"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">21</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 10:31
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Suzanne
and Carrie came over for
dinner last night. (There
used to be a photo of them
on the web that could link
to but it's not there now.)
I made risotto with English
peas and corn and </font><a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm?prodID=1"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">sausage.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
And butter lettuce, tomato
and goat cheese salads with
a dressing I made by adding
some olive oil and sherry
vinegar to an olive and
red bell spread that I made
a while back. And we had
</font><a href="http://www.rrich.com/revsourdough.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">walnut bread</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. And wine.
</font><a href="http://howler.com/Products.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And tangerine sorbet and
chocolate sorbet</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
Carrie brought flowers from
her garden that are so beeeyooottttiffuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllll.
I guess a digital camera
would be nice.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
conversation on beauty and self image kinda morphed
into one about fat women and the men who love us. Or
don't love us. Which is fine. I like a conversation
that takes on a life of it's own. Why aren't men more
outraged by media constructed notions of beauty? We
know </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000346.php#000346"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">some
men</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
are. It's interesting when you think of the </font><a href="http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/medmuseum/wallexhibits/body/alterations/clothing.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">damage</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.sfmuseum.org/chin/foot.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">women</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.fgmnetwork.org/intro/fgmintro.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">have</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.mentalhealth.com/mag1/p5m-et01.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">done</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to </font><a href="http://www.plastikos.com/art-silicone.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">their</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://gastricbypass.netfirms.com/wlsediets.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">bodies</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in the pursuit of beauty. It would seem that men might
want to reject those images of air-brushed perfection.
And some do. I guess. I hope. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
women do some idealization of six pack abs and tight
butts and what ever. </font><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/1632112.stm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Men
are having body image problems</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
So no one is served by all this. Oh. Wait. That's not
true. Drug companies, cosmetic surgeons, weight loss
programs are all served by our pursuit of false beauty.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
Dru was very kindly </font><a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/013143.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">linking
all this up</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and pointed out that because I put the perma link at
the bottom it opens the post at the bottom. Which seems
like something I shoulda known. And I guess I might
oughta put them back up top. Drat. It might take me
a day to try and figure out if I can keep them at the
bottom and have them open at the top. Or. Just get over
it and put them back on top.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/Episode%2043.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pattie
and Carl got a chance to talk to Pico Iyer</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Let's
not forget. </font><a href="http://www.levitatecnn.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
weekend.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/retro/000500.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Get
on up</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(535)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_535"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font><a id="e234" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e234"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">22</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> 9:35
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e235" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e235"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
23 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">OK.
Perma link on top. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
all wound up. George did
this cool thing
</font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/retro/000382.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
back in January</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
He did 150 posts in a day.
The idea began with </font><a href="http://www.0format.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
guy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
was picked up by </font><a href="http://www.jimformation.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
guy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
and then </font><a href="http://www.stonefishspine.com/150_fish/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">stonefishspine</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and then </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I wanted to do it right
away but there was school
and I dunno. I forget why
I didn't go for it. But
I'm going for it now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
mean look. It's Friday.
I don't have a job. I meet
with Stephen next week to
begin the push to finish
THE BOOK. I know I can work
on the book on my own but,
frankly, I'm a-scared. I
want Stephen to hold my
hand. So. I may as well
do something kooky. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Of
course I think George didn't
blog for a few days after
he did it. Hmmm. And my
whole blog style is more
journal than blog. And I
don't even want to do 150
posts about my inner chat.
(although there may be more
than a few) So I may be
tryin to pull something
off that I'm not even ...uh...able
...er sumthin...to do. But
I'm going to try. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Just
coz. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Now.
Despite the fact that </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has generously offered to
host an MT site for me and
I could have an MT site
if I switched servers on
my own the fact remains
that I do not have MT. I'm
not on Blogger. I do this
funny little page with </font><a href="http://www.namo.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">WYSIWYG software</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> and
I have to get in to the
html to do the perma link
and comment # for the day.
It's just enough of a pain
in the ass to make me wonder
if I will be finished by
the time I get to 20. So
I have to make my own rules
about what is a distinct
post. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And.
I do this crazy table toggle
every time I post. Which
will also drive me crazy.
So I'm going to do them
all </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/FatOneFifty.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">here</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. I'll number the
posts but they won't all
have comments and perma
links. But at least once
an hour I'll post sumthin.
Once and hour until I get
150. Or lose my mind. I'll
be looking for memes and
links and
things to go off about.
But I'll just be relaxing
into an all day blog a thon.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Consider
this #1. I'll be back. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(536)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_536"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:29
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
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</tr>
</table>
<p> <a id="e249" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e249"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
24 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font></p>
<p><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sputter.
</font></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gasp.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(550)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_550"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:44
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#0D660D">Re-vision
-- the act of looking back,
of seeing with fresh eyes,
of entering an old text
from a new critical direction
-- is for women more than
a chapter in cultural history:it
is an act of survival. -
Adrienne Rich</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e250" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e250"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
25 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Doin
the one <strike>fifty</strike>
hundred kicked my ass. I
don't really understand
why. But I was beat. I didn't
do much yesterday. Ate left over Chinese
food and watched </font><a href="http://monsoonwedding.indiatimes.com/celebrat.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Monsoon
Wedding</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Which I loved. Read in bed. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">One
thing that I thought would
be true - that wasn't -
was
that I would be able to
leisurely read through my
blog roll and check out
some new stuff. Not true.
I woulda hadta go even faster
than I did to get to 150.
Or stay awake. Heh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
still a little spent. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
really does mess you up physically. And I think that
has to do with the screen and staring at it for that
long. And the fact that I do not have a comfortable
chair. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I did look at some new blogs. And I am filled with thoughts
about the way I write on my own. Which isn't to say
that things are going to go through any big changes.
But Renee and I were talking about writing that you
love because the language is just so gorgeous. And I
want to write like that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
there is the busy-ness of linking. </font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cyndy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
did this thing today that made me laugh. She titled
a post: </font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_05_01_archives.html#200338085"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sunday
Somethings</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But this is not a question meme wondering about toothpaste
and favorite movies. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
was a point while I was doing the one <strike>fifty</strike>
hundred when I was just
posting a link and looking for another. Even the time
it took to take a quiz, or answer questions was slowing
me down. And sometimes I blog that way. I wake up with
not much language and someone else is saying something
important. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ah.
Well. It's all just reveal itself. As we go merrily
down the stream. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(551)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_551"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:37
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e251" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e251"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
26 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Swimming
is good. The minute I get
into the water and feel
that buoyancy I enter a
zone. The light glitters
on the water. The teenage
lifeguards walk in circles.
Fat women bob and float
and do jumping jacks. Jumping
jacks. Ahhhh. The water
makes all things possible.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Got
a ride home from Ari. I
was talking about my inability
to celebrate my degree.
She said this thing about
how when you're working
class college just doesn't
feel like work. It's a thought
I'd had plenty of times
before. But hearing it out
loud...well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
it is. I don't know how
to own it. I guess I figure
that the summer work with
Stephen will move me to
another place. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">KPFA</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is broadcasting the </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/FCC2.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">FCC
hearing</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
today, complete with commentary.
</font><a href="http://www.moveon.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Move
On</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has </font><a href="http://www.moveon.org/stopthefcc/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
petition</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't think much of </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/mayor_index.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">our
Mayor</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I feel like he sold the
town to business and squandered
the dot com cash flow on
pimping up City Hall and
hiring all his friends.
But he does do </font><a href="http://www.sfsfw.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Women's Summit</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I've never been but I always
watch it on </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">26.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
It was on yesterday. This
year featured </font><a href="http://www.sfsfw.com/bios/molly_ivins.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Molly
Ivins.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Goodgawd that woman makes
me laugh and cry and get
mad and laugh some more.
And </font><a href="http://www.sfsfw.com/bios/marian_wright_edelman.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Marion
Wright Edleman</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
who talked about </font><a href="http://www.childrensdefense.org/budget_analysis.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
tax cuts</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and the negative impact
on children. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
dreamed about an apartment
in </font><a href="http://www.ci.boulder.co.us/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Boulder.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I used to live in this nice
little apartment with a
fireplace. I dreamed about
it. I can't stop thinking
about it now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(552)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_552"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:42
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p><a id="e252" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e252"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
27 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Hmmm.
It's </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/West/05/26/quake.san.fran/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">shaky around here.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was talking on the phone and I felt a thunk. My apartment
shakes when a bus goes by but there's a way those earthquake
thunks feel. The person on the phone didn't feel it.
That's the way it always is. After a quake you ask,
"Didja feel that?" I always really want someone
to confirm it for me. Didja feel that?" </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Therapy
was odd.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
not very good at relaxing when people play games. And
generally my face reveals all. I have a big desire to
accept people for where they're at and I want to take
them at their word for where they're at. But. Sometimes.
I just wanna say ... awcomeon. And I usually do. And
I did. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.balloonhat.com/photoweek/week_59.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Balloon
hat of the week</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font><a href="http://www.kfjc.org/djs/spliff.skankin.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Spliff
Skankin</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Makes ya wanna inhale. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(553)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_553"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:41
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#0D660D">Well, we can ask the question: "Is all of social phenomena contained within
capitalism, or are there psychological and cultural and emotional and geographic
and economic spaces outside of capitalism?" But I haven't really fully explored
that question, because my everyday life is (pretty clearly, and in very
non-abstract way) contained within capitalism. I live in a city; I live in an
American city. Therefore, almost every single thing I do is mediated by not just
the commodity form, but by money. We're able to record this interview because
you bought batteries for your tape recorder. Someone's paying for the gas that
is heating this apartment. Our interaction here is infinitely mediated by
economic exchange values. So, I think it's really important to analyze
capitalism and the way that capitalism shapes everyday experience, and our
landscape. </font><font face="Lucida Sans"> -
<a href="http://www.mprsnd.org/interview/parenti.htm#1">Christian Parenti</a></font></span><p align="justify"><a id="e253" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e253"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
28 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.fatcities.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
popped up in my referrers.
I love the postcards.
</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="294">
<tr>
<td width="288">
<p><a href="http://www.fatcities.com/fatcards/fatcards.html"><img src="bigweigh.jpg" width="292" height="187" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
it's full of diet talk and
porn and links to other
dubious fat hostile crap.
At some point yesterday
the link that was there
for Fatshadow went away.
Which is OK. I guess. Very
strange.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://bittershack.blogspot.com/2003_05_01_bittershack_archive.html#200348521"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Brooke</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
couldn't get into prison
and </font><a href="http://www.anitaroddick.com/weblog/weblogdetail.jsp?title=null&id=523"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Anita</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
got kicked out. They had
gone to visit one of the
</font><a href="http://www.prisonactivist.org/angola/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Angola
Three</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
They both write about the
cruelty of the experience.
And that makes sense, since
they were there feeling
it. I keep thinking
about the fear and the greed that
drives the </font><a href="http://www.criticalresistance.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Prison Industrial
Complex</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. People are cruel
when they are afraid and
the system keeps them afraid. And invested. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Both
Brooke and Anita commented on the </font><a href="http://www.angolamuseum.org/gifts.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">prison
gift shop</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Oh yeah. I keep thinking about what a person has to
do to their heart to work in that context. And I keep
thinking about the people who profit from all that suffering.
I live in a state that </font><a href="http://www.the-alarm.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=67"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">spends
more on building prisons than on building schools</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It's a cheap labor force. And it's a way to suppress
the ideas of the </font><a href="http://www.mumia.org/freedom.now/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">dangerous</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.freepeltier.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">minds</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
took a class with </font><a href="http://home.earthlink.net/~dbjensen1/parent.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Christian
Parenti</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and read </font><a href="http://www.commoncouragepress.com/parenti_lockdown.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">his
book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I googled his name as I was thinking about writing this
post. And I got the quote about capitalism. I've been
thinking about capitalism. Not in terms of prisons but
in terms of how it messes with everything. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
it comes to writing and wanting to be a Writer it can
really mess you up. because now my ideas and my ability
to express them well are a commodity. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Or
not. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(554)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_554"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:15
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e254" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e254"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
28 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.redpolka.org/blog/archives/001108.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">April
feels the need for a good cry.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">That's
a commiserate kind of heh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Fat
& Feisty wrote a </font><a href="http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=FatAndFeisty&uid=19913318"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">great
post</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and the comments are a barrage of internalized fat hatred.
It's interesting to me because I've been talking about
the idea of internalized oppression with Suzanne recently.
Because I have my own idea about what it means. In the
comments on the post a woman talks about not being able
to be "maneuvered" on a gurney into a hospital
and she is not outraged that she might not be able to
rely on the people who are there to do health care.
So, what's that about? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
recent death of </font><a href="http://www.freep.com/news/locoak/nhox2_20030502.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Kelly
Snider-Smith</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
left me outraged. I haven't been able to understand
how he died. He was in a car wreck. He had a broken
leg. He needed surgery for some reason. The hospital
he was taken to didn't have an operating table that
could support his weight and he was transferred. He
died from loss of blood on the way. What isn't clear
to me is why they couldn't control his bleeding. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">More
importantly is why they couldn't figure out how to do
the surgery that he needed in the hospital where he
first arrived. I mean really. These are smart people.
Was there no way to shore up the table? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And,
ostensibly, the woman who left the comment thinks that
the hospital should not feel too bad about the fact
that they couldn't do the surgery. I mean, come on,
the guy was <b>so</b> fat. How can those of us who are
<b>so</b> fat expect adequate health care? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oh
yes. I say heh. Because if I don't I will scream. And
I may scream any way. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">April
says she is radicalized by her difference. Yes.
Yes. Yes. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Internalized
fat hatred. This fat revolution that I'm always talking
about isn't about accepting myself <b>IN SPITE OF MY
WEIGHT</b>. It's about being whole. It's about knowing
myself and understanding my body and not buying into
the idea that I am wrong to have a fat ass. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
feel the need to rage and rant and go on and go on and
on.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I'm just going to say this; it's not too much to ask.
Having cloths that fit and are affordable, being represented
in the cultural in a positive manner, being able
to find a seat in an institution of education so that
you can concentrate on your work, being able to travel,
being able to get health care, being able to enjoy your
life with your kids and not worry that they will be
taken away. It's not too much to ask. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
am radicalized by my difference. Because this is about
more than wanting to look like a Victoria secret model,
this is about having a right to my own experience in
my own body and not being shunned and scorned and denied.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
make no mistake. The people that don't want radical
thinking about this issue are many. And most of them
are making money. And then there are the ones that don't
want me to be "OK" (what ever the fuck that
means) when they have made choices to do what ever they
had to do to <b>fit</b> in. I respect your choices.
And hope you can respect that I make choices every day.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did not choose to be fat. I do not choose to stay fat.
But I do choose to exercise for the love of movement
and eat for health and pleasure. And the details of
that process are my business. And I choose to celebrate
my difference. Way past accept. I choose to celebrate.
And I choose to imagine that the world can make a place
big enough to hold me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Internalize
that. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(555)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_555"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 6:43
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e255" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e255"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
28 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then ... I received an e-mail from Harry, the web master
at </font><a href="http://www.fatcities.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Fatcities</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Most of which is in the comment to the post below. But
he did ask that I post my "rebuffal". So I
am.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
guess he isn't happy with my representation of the site.
I thought I did a kind of - on the one hand on the other
hand - kind of post about it. There are some very cool
things on the site. The post cards being one. And I
always think it's great for a space to be focussed on
fat stuff. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And,
the link to my site is back. I'm #38 under women. I'm
still not sure how I feel about that. I'd love to participate
in a fat positive forum. we all know I love </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Big
Fat Blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I mean if we don't then let me just say ... I LOVE </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Big
Fat Blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And when April started the I am a </font><a href="http://redpolka.org/size/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">person
of size ring</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I jumped to it. So I'm open to the idea of Fatcities
as a portal but the message of the site is not clear.
To me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Lots
of folks trying to hook up with fat folks is not the
revolution I'm talking about. Hooking up is good. But
... there is so much more.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
the porn links I mentioned are ones I saw when I clicked
on women. I'm not going to go into details about this
here. For obvious reasons: Google. Believe me, people
already come here using some pretty whack key words.
I did address them in e-mail to Harry.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">If
you read me you know my issues with dieting and the
promotion of diets. For me, that's fat hostile. Lots
of links to ideas about healthy food would be fine.
But why talk about (not) eating for weight loss? So,
if there were some diet links I'd just think ... oh
well. But this site is full of them. And then there
is a link to an article about </font><a href="http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=2820086"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
surgery</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I am not lovin that. And it's in a section called fat
acceptance. Huh? I don't know. Maybe the word crap is
extreme. But. There are things that make resort to extreme.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Look.
The web is about diversity. And Fatcities will no doubt
have people who are interested in it. But it would have
to be a lot more fat positive for me to want to be involved.
There may be a link to </font><a href="http://www.naafa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">NAAFA</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
but I didn't see it.Or </font><a href="http://www.size-acceptance.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ISSA.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And Fat!SO? is </font><a href="http://www.fatso.com"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">here</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Harry
says they make efforts to insure that the information
they present is mainstream. And I think it is mainstream.
I'm happily off in a stream of my own. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(556)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_556"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 10:05
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e256" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e256"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
29 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
post below is time stamped last night. But I didn't
actually get it published till today. Last night I couldn't
get into my server. I might have been able to deal with
it last night but it was late I wasn't up for dealing
with the phone system. It wasn't that much fun this
morning. But I dealt. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
need a job. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Things
are just tangled lately. I think things with the student
loan are working out but I still don't know for sure.
Rent is due. Everything feels impossible. But it isn't.
It's just really hard. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
it's hot. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have days where I feel wiped out. Yesterday was like
that. Might have been the heat. Today I have some
energy. I know I'm psyched to see Stephen and get to
work on the writing and I see him today.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(557)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_557"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:48
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e257" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e257"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e256"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">30</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
ya know what happens? Suzanne
calls me and we talk and
talk and talk and then she
says, "Ok. Gubye."
And I say, "OK. Gubye."
And it's not like we're
talking trash. We are politics
and psychology and story
and news and inter and intra
and personal and identity
and Ihatehim and oppression
and deflection and didyouseewill&grace
and social theory
and reality and OK.Gubye
and OK Gubuy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
love that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
love that way we talk. And
then we gotta go. But I
didn't talk to Suzanne yesterday.
I was just thinking about
it is all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Seeing
Stephen was great. He gets
THE BOOK in exactly
the way I hope everyone
gets THE BOOK. And we talked
and talked and talked. We
were talking writing and
politics and psychology
and story and news and inter
and intra and personal and
identity and oppression and
social theory and
reality and bodies and process
the gay gene and the fat
gene and he had some structural
idea that rocks my world
and builds in a circle and
makes me think and think
and want to write and write.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But.
I went to see </font><a href="http://www.isabelallende.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Isabel
Allende</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
at </font><a href="http://www.bookstore.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Clean
Well Lighted</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
talking about her </font><a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=006054564X"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">new
book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with Adrienne. And we talked
and talked and talked until
Isabel started to talk, of
course, and then we listened
and shot each other meaningful
glances. And then we went
</font><a href="http://bayarea.citysearch.com/profile/862724/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">to</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
eat and eat and eat and
talk and talk and talk.
And it's not like we're
talking trash. We are talking
writing and politics and
psychology and story and
news and inter and intra
and personal and identity
and oppression and
social theory and
reality and bodies and process
and doesthis tastelikegin?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
am all wound up.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(558)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_558"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:16
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e258" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/May03.htm#e258"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">May</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e256"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">31</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
wrote a lot. And it felt like work. It felt good. And
it felt hard. Like I was having to push. I really like
rewriting. I like organizing and filling parts out and
taking parts out. But it is work. And except for a few
breaks to do e-mail or talk on the phone I worked all
day. I was talking to Cheryl on the phone and I realized
it was 8:30. Woah. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
then I tried to keep going and I started to really hate
the writing. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. It's dumb. It's boring.
Who cares? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Seemed
like a good time to stop. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I watched </font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Moyers</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and read for a while. I'm ready to get at it again this
morning.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was lamenting not having read blogs the other day. Yeah.
I feel that. And while I was doing the </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/FatOneFifty.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">one </font><strike><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">fifty</font></strike><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
hundred</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I added people to my roll. It's nuts. Yesterday it seemed
that there was a lot to read on each individual blog.
And then </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
pointed to </font><a href="http://www.sfbaybloggers.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and I was reeling. More blogs? AHHHH! I can't
read all this! I'll never keep up!</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But.
Ya know. I love it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Here's
something I haven't remembered in while. </font></span></p>
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<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(559)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_559"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:33
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
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