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<p>May</p>
<p>May 1, 2001</p>
<p> Yesterday the board of supes voted
to include medical benefits for transgendered and transexual
folks that work for the city and county of San Francisco. During
the pre vote debates one of the supes was listing other kinds
of surgeries that should be considered. He said that surgery
for people who were fat - <b>not by choice</b> - should be
included. I would have been more comfortable if he had said
improved health care for fat people that does not include trying
to make them thin. </p>
<p>And then, in this book that I am reading,
<i>A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,
</i>the guy says: "Oh these
fat kids. Look at these kids these little porkers. Is this a
genetic thing? Disgusting the existence of fat kids." Now,
this follows writing in which he and his friends do a thing
for their magazine to strike out against the image of body perfection
that we are bombarded with in magazines. And there had been
an earlier scene in which he sees a school mate of his eight
year old brother, a girl who is taller and larger than all the
others and he wants his brother to be her friend and make her
happy. The whole book is almost like Dave Eggers is saying look
at all this dumb stuff I think, so when I read that line about
the fat kids I tried to remind myself that people think dumb
stuff but the hostility is so painful. I was a fat kid, treated
with disgust. </p>
<p>Happy May day.</p>
<p> May 2, 2001</p>
<p> My mother & stepfather bought
me a new computer, printer & scanner. It's like Christmas.
I'm waiting for UPS. I tracked the stuff on line so I know it's
in SF. These are graduation/getting in to grad school presents.
It's pretty amazing. I am blessed. As a result of this abundance
I am thinking of little else. This, despite our president
commiting to "star wars", all the wonderful may day
events and a great e-mail that I got from <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/" target="_blank">Michael
Moo</a>re, all things I might other
wise blab about. The letter from Michael is on his site. It's
great! I'm too busy running to the back door to see if the UPS
truck has pulled up to write more. </p>
<p>May 3, 2001</p>
<p> This is just amazing. UPS brought
four boxes yesterday. Because I had been manically tracking
via the UPS web site I knew there were five due. I went
back to the web site and checked and one was not due till today.
WHY? I'm sure there is some UPS reason but I just can't
imagine. I mean they all left Dell on the same day but
one of them took a side trip to San Bruno. AND ... it was the
monitor. So, I have everything set up waiting for the monitor.
It means another day of being a prisoner of UPS, waiting for
the buzzer. They came at 2:00 yesterday. They've come as late
as 5:00. My back is out again, no doubt a result of moving
furniture and computer equipment. I know there are bigger problems
in the world and I know I am very lucky to be getting all this
but I'm feeling very cranky. Maybe it's just coz my back hurts
and I watched the UPS guy roll my computer end over end up the
stairs. That just didn't seem good. I woke up dreaming about
the computer. Kooky. </p>
<p>May 4, 2001</p>
<p> OK. It's all here and it is amazing!
everything installed with out much effort. The scanner gave
me a moment of misery but one call to tech support and it's
working. I still have to put my web publishing software in but
I'll do that this weekend. The first thing I did was download
Netscape. I just can't stand the everything Microsoft thing.
They even have a program that is like Quiken, called Microsoft
Money. When I got my first computer there was a little bit of
everything on it, a variety of software. My laptop was all Microsoft
and this new one is the same. It's so annoying. SO, my little
rebellion is to get Netscape, which by the way is kinda buggy.
Oh well. My apartment looks like there has been an earthquake.
</p>
<p>I got another rejection. I had sent
my SIMS piece to Salon and, after a month wrote back to say
thanks but no thanks. If I wasn't so wound up about the computer
I'd be more bummed. </p>
<i>"There
is clearly too narrow a limit on how much money can be made from
health, but the profitability of disease--especially disease of
spirit or character--has so far, for profiteers, no visible limit."
- Wendell Berry</i> <p>May 5, 2001</p>
<p> On Thursday, in the morning, while
I was waiting for my monitor, I listened to <a href="http://www.democracynow.org" target="_blank">Democracy
Now</a>, as is my habit. Amy played
some tapes that have recently surfaced of Georgia state executions.
They were overwhelming. We tend to debate the merit of the
death penalty in relation to the person being executed. We seldom
think about the impact on the folks that carry out the executions.
Listening to these voices tell what is happening as a man is
seated in the electric chair and what happens to the body after
the switch is flipped is surreal. I can't imagine that people
involved in this aren't struck with such cognitive dissonance
that they inevitably implode. Last year I remember there were
some tapes of people who worked in the prison industry in Texas
talking about their jobs. They all expressed some degree of
conflict. After Democracy Now I heard the tapes again on CNN
and MSNBC. The difference was dramatic. Amy just played the
tapes in all their stark misery. But on television there were
pictures and commentary. For example when listening to sections
of a few executions strung together you could see pictures
of the person and read what crime they committed. The effect
was ... well ... don't feel too bad that this guy is being killed
because he did these terrible things. This is what Chomsky calls
manufacturing consent. The person that brought these tapes to
the public was saying that we are going to have the death penalty
we ought to know what we're doing. Of course there is also the
danger of things like this enflaming the public need for vengeance.
Listening to a call in show about the tapes on MSNC demonstrated
that there is such a need. But my question is do we have the
need by nature or by culturalization?</p>
<p><font color="purple"> </font> May 7, 2001</p>
<p> I'm happy. It doesn't happen that
often so I'm enjoying it. I don't really think that you can
construct happiness. I mean I think you can lean toward it
but, if you aren't happy - you aren't happy. And today I am.
Certainly having a new computer and going to grad school ...
I mean there are good things happening. But it just seems more
random somehow. And I'm just gonna enjoy it. </p>
<p>May 8, 2001</p>
<p> I donated blood yesterday. And today
I am tired. That's what happens to me when I donate, I get really
tired for a few days. So, I'm just eating green leafy food and
taking it easy. My apartment is still in recovery from the arrival
of the computer but it is coming back together. And today I'm
going to install the web software into the new computer. Won't
that be fun?! Yesterday I was making a card for my mom and I
printed it eight times before I got it right. I'm blaming the
blood loss. It is hot here these days and the heat adds to my
need to lay down. </p>
<p><font color="black">May 10, 2001</font></p>
<p><font color="black"> It feels like I donated brain cells.
I have no concentration. I think it's a combination of the blood
donation, the heat, unemployment, the moon, and who knows what
all. I'm hopein I snap out of it soon. </font></p>
<font face="Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif"><i>"An
eye for an eye. Making the whole world blind." -
Gandhi</i></font> <p>May 14, 2001</p>
<p>I've been tucked in. It's like this
for me. If I'm not clear on what I'm feeling I dive inside.
It's hard for me to interact. And I'm still not clear about
the use of this space. I've been using it as a sort of column
writing practice space. It could be a place where I work my
process but I'm not sure how. To some extent that's because
there are people in my life, actively or not, and some of what
I'm feeling has to do with them. But, my feelings are more global
than any one particular situation. And my feelings are unclear.
So, if it seems like I'm not writing about anything here --
I'm not. I'm awash in confused and unfocused thinking and feeling
and have been for about a week. This morning I thought I was
getting clear on some stuff to write and now it's gone. </p>
<p>May 16, 2001</p>
<p> My emotional process can be so convoluted.
This occurred to me last night as I lay in bed contemplating
a tangled mass of feelings. I was the only child of a single
mother. So, I was THE ONE. But my father and mother divorced
when I was three months old and I didn't meet him until I was
twelve. So I was NO ONE. So, as an adult I suffer relationship.
It's rare that I feel truly connected to anyone. Well, that's
an exaggeration. I often feel connected to people. See how this
works? One minute I'm feeling one thing the next I'm feeling
the opposite. It's exhausting and aggravated by being a double
Gemini with a Libra moon. But the point is that when I having
trouble in a specific relationship my feelings get global really
fast. And I have been having some problems. And then there's
hormones. It's hard to say what all is at play but I am feeling
dark and nonverbal and pointless. I think school will help but
that's a month a way. I got accupuncture on Monday and I'm taking
some herbs. I kinda think that rather than trying to stay buoyant
I should buy a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of bourbon and
just go for the dive. Maybe I'd resurface faster. But I figured
out the software for the new computer and so I'm now publishing
from that computer. </p>
<p>May 17, 2001</p>
<p> When I was a kid I spent a lot of
time playing alone, usually with dolls, making up little stories.
So this kind of spaced out revelry comforts me. Now I have the
<a href="http://www.thesims.ea.com" target="_blank">SIMS</a>.
I play with their little houses and tell myself stories about
them. this morning I was getting ready to write about a few
random things and instead of clicking on the web editor I clicked
on the SIMS. And of course I had to play for awhile. I played
with my Goth family. I got the adults raises and the kids new
friends and got everyone new furniture. Kooky but true. </p>
<p>I had been thinking about a friend who
is trying to have a baby. And then I started thinking about
how much I use to baby sit. I love kids. And I loved hanging
out with them and for a while that little bit of babysitting
money kept me going. I would whisper in their ears, "you're
so beautiful, you're so smart, you're so strong" and on
and on. I don't know if the kids actually listened to what I
was saying or if they just like the air tickling their ears.</p>
<p>May 18, 2001</p>
<p> During this stupor that I've
been in lately I have done two things, play SIMS and read DTWOF
comics. It really is like a regression to childhood except I
usually have KPFA on the radio or the board of supervisors on
the TV. Imagine the paradox. Suzanne turned me on to DTWOF and
a book about <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1563410966/qid=990198079/sr=1-5/ref=sc_b_5/104-7967838-0361547" target="_blank">Alison
Bechdel</a> the artist. I was reading
it yesterday and Alison talks about not being gender identified
until she was in college and not knowing that she was a lesbian
until then. She writes about not wanting to be a girl and then
realizing that she was a woman. It's pretty interesting and
made me think about how subtle all this identity and preference
stuff is. There has never been a time when I didn't want to
be a woman but there has never been a time when I felt like
I, literally, fit into the culture standard of woman. So, I
only wore makeup when I was on stage and I've always been wary
of too much lace and pink. somehow because I was fat I formed
an idea that I would look foolish trying to look too feminine.
I was suppose to look capable and serious. I think this also
came from being father less and feeling that I could not depend
on men to take care of me. My "style" was gathered
together from all these influences. And from a very young age
I had crushes on boys. Boys were the mysterious and longed for
unknown. The easily read signs of boy/girl straight/gay are
not actually that easy to read. </p>
<p>May 19, 2001</p>
<p> Yesterday, I had a fat field
trip day. Marilyn and I went to <a href="http://www.makingitbigonline.com" target="_blank">Making It Big</a> because they were
having a sale. Shopping was such a drag for me for so many years
so I am still like a kid in a candy store when it comes to a
store full of cloths which actually fit! I got a couple of pair
of pants, a jumper, a dress and some socks. And then we went
to <a href="http://www.peglutz.com" target="_blank">Peggy
Lutz's</a> show room. Her cloths
are fantastic but a bit more expensive than I can bear. And
this goes back to that stuff I was writing yesterday. There
is a way in which I don't feel as if I'm allowed glamour. And
I sometimes think that when I, or any other fat woman gets all
dolled up, it's a positive thing because we take back that right,
that kind of womanhood. And that butts up against my sense that
make up, high heels, unwieldy dresses are a way of keeping woman
as dolls. So, it's a bit context dependent for me. On her site
there is a section in which Patti, of <a href="http://www.tuckandpatti.com" target="_blank">Tuck
& Patt</a>i, models some Diva
wear. Very cool. And then we went to see a performance of fat
dancers, <a href="http://www.bigmoves.org" target="_blank">Big
Moves</a>. There were three
companies performing, Kendra Kimbrough, <a href="http://www.fcbd.com" target="_blank">Fat
Chance Belly Dance</a> and <a href="http://www.bigdance.org" target="_blank">Big
Dance</a>. Big Dance was interesting.
I've seen a lot of modern dance and this had moments of brilliance.
It was challenging to watch fat bodies dance. One dancer was
a really good mover and did a fantastic solo. And I feel like
she could have done more and was, perhaps, under choreographed.
One dancer was not a good mover, not in her body, not committed.
There are often better and worse dancers in any company and
I was mindful of this while being troubled by her lack. We hadn't
eaten dinner, I was starving and it was late so we ate at a
Jack in the Box. I don't eat fast food and now I remember why.
</p>
<p>May 21, 2001</p>
<p> I saw <i>Memento</i> last night.
It's a movie in which a man has lost his short term memory.
He remembers things from the past but not from one minute to
another. It could have been a commentary on how memory creates
identity. Maybe it was but it just kind of annoyed me. It kept
circling back on itself. And you were trying to figure out who
to trust and became annoying. Whether or not memory is trustworthy
is an interesting notion and I think the movie was interesting
and well done. but at the end of the movie I was wondering if
there was an intended larger meaning. It seemed long on fancy
technique and short on humanity.</p>
<p>May 22, 2001</p>
<p> <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20010521" target="_blank">Barbara
Ehrenreich </a>was on Oprah yesterday.
Every once in a while Oprah does something almost radical. Ehrenreich
was talking abut her book <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=efdee2d67ac35564&s=showproduct&isbn=0805063889" target="_blank"><i>Nickel
and Dimed</i></a><i>. </i>It is
a book that talks about a year in which she worked as a maid
and a house cleaner. And Oprah had women on talking about how
they live on minimum wage. I got a call in the middle of it
so I missed a lot of it so I can't really comment on the over
all tone. But there was this one point when I looked at the
screen and Ehrenreich and a woman who lived on very little money
were sitting there with O, who looked fabulous but also a bit
overdressed, almost regal. I kept wondering if they were going
to help the poor woman financially. It was a show that challenged
the notion that we are an affluent country. And, sadly because
of this appearance thing, the class division was literally modeled.
Clearly Oprah does great things with her money and she desearves
enourmous success but the disparity between that kind of wealth
and how too many people live seems vulgar. </p>
<p>May 23, 2001</p>
<p> KPFA is playing a tape of the
discussion on race and jazz that I went to in March. One of
the panelists, a European American man, who had written a book
about white musicians in jazz, more or less took the position
that we should focus on the music and forget or ignore all that
race stuff. That's exactly the kind of white liberal denial
that limits any real discourse about race. Hearing it again
this morning pissed me off. Also in the discussion there was
a confusion that occurred when one of the panelists quoted someone
who said something like jazz musicians had elevated black experience
from the individual to the universal. But it was said differently
and used the word human rather than universal and another panelist
took umbrage and said blacks are human. It is exactly this kind
of semantical glitch that keeps the discussion at odds. In other
words things weren't said well, or clearly, and then an understandable
confusion arises. I remember that there was something about
the conversation that night that seemed fragmented. People
didn't seem to be getting each other in ways. The discussion
on race is so important and fraught with emotion and perspective.
</p>
<p>May 25, 2001</p>
<p> A friend of mine is getting
involved with a spiritual community. It actually seems
OK to me. I'm even a bit envious. I had a conversation with
another friend the other day in which I made the mistake of
using the word god. Everything got semantic and miserable. The
very word seems to dredge up fear of assimilation into a Borg
of followers. I hung up the phone and had a little temper tantrum.
Of course I was alone in my apartment so it was really between
God and me, which by my theology means I was talking to myself.
It is important to me to respect people's beliefs even if I
don't agree with them. That doesn't mean silence but it does
mean a quality of respect in any conversation and a position
of allowance. In other words I want to allow for all possibilities
even as I forge my own sense of things. But a community of consensus
can be an enormous relief.</p>
<p>May 28, 2001</p>
<p> Marilyn Wann
took me to my first <a href="http://www.naafa.org" target="_blank">NAAFA</a> event this weekend. We spent the day wandering around
the Westin Hotel, with a fair number of fat people, shopping in rooms full of
venders selling cloths, jewelry, fat statues and books on size acceptance.
There was also a pool part and a dinner/dance. There were a few things that I
found curious. People kept saying things to me like, well, �we fat people eat a
lot� or �if you told any fat person that if they took a pill they could be thin
they would take the pill.� Neither of these statements is true for me and both
are dubious assumptions in terms of size acceptance. Most curious was
a workshop on the choice to have gastrointestinal surgery for the purpose of
weight loss. Marilyn and I arrived late to the seminar so I spent a while
listening. There were two sisters sitting in front, one who had had the surgery
and one who had not. There were other people in the room who had had the surgery
or were thinking about the surgery. There was an effort to make sure they felt �safe�
and "un-judged�. Their advocacy for the surgery was built on the platform of
health and a professed inability to change their relationship with their
bodies. NAAFA, on thier
website, takes a well stated position against the surgery but in this room there
was an unspoken injunction from the people who were making the choice to have
the surgery � "don�t make us feel bad about our choice.� Actually it was spoken
but the momentum of the conversation seemed to build on this vibe. It was more
than a bit ironic, to me, since they can get support for their choice in most
other communities in the general culture, like the medical community and the
weight loss industry. It would seem as
if a NAAFA convention might make a bit more space for debunking the underlying notions
of the value of this surgery. There was some. My thoughts and
feelings on the surgery are framed by my own feminism and personal politic when
thinking about the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And my
reactions are much the same as the ones I have to breast implants or even nose
jobs because there is a way in which we are all trying to fit into a Madison
Avenue standard of beauty. A difference is that these people are saying that
having the surgery is about health and mobility.I�ve always been
fat but I haven�t had mobility issues until my forties. Of course most of the
people I know in their forties are talking about mobility issues and some of
them exercise regularly. I have to work to maintain mobility in ways I did not
have to work for it when I was younger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</span>Another factor, for me, is that I left a very physical career, cooking,
and went to a more sedentary endeavor, college. My mobility might be enhanced
by weighing loss but it is definitely enhanced by � movement. And because I
have always used alternative methods to improve my health I have found herbs
and vitamins that have improved my mobility at my current weight. The surgery
in and of itself does nothing to improve mobility. </p>
<p>May 29, 2001</p>
<p> If I could take a pill and be thin
I would not. The very notion makes me think of that bit in <i>The
Matrix</i> where the guy is offered two pills, one which will
cause him to go back to sleep and forget what he has learned
and one will wake him ALL THE WAY UP. And of course, in
the movie, being awake means to know that the general population
is in a form of unconscious slavery to another life form that
lives off their energy. To be awake means to know that one has
to fight this other life form to achieve and sustain this knowledge
and to help other people to wake up. It was a pretty good
critique of capitalism. But to use it as a metaphor for the
size acceptance community one needs to define why size acceptance
is important. What defines us as an oppressed group? What cultural
mystification have we internalized? We have internalized a central
and wrong idea that being fat is wrong and ugly and it is our
fault and we could change it if we wanted to. The leaders in
this community have asked the questions and have debunked some
mystification. There is more than one reason why a person
is fat but it certainly begins with genetics. And that isn't
as simple as it sounds because there is not just <b>A</b> fat
gene. There is a variety of gene combos that describe the proclivity
for fatness. Fatness can be mediated by eating less and exercising
more but how much less and how much more is rarely the same
for any two individuals. There are people who are attracted
to fatness. To be fat is to be sexually attractive. And fat
people can look great in clothes that are made to fit them.
So those leaders have given us the pill, in the form of these
truths, that can wake us up to the battle that we have before
us. Knowing that if you ask me, do you want the pill that will
put you back to sleep? I gotta say <b>NO</b>!!!
And why would being thin mean that I was asleep? Because being
fat is how I learned that doctors lie, and Madison avenue constructs
beauty and truth and love is more powerful than all of that.
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>May 30, 2001</p>
<p> After a couple of days of long diatribes
on my <a href="http://www.naafa.org" target="_blank">NAAFA</a>
experience I find that I am feeling a bit quiet. It may be that
I am just tired. And I am feeling a bit a drift. I spent some
time yesterday looking for a job in the paper. Page after page
and there really doesn't seem like any jobs that I can
do. I did continue to write about the weekend but I'm not sure
where to send it. </p>
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