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<td width="710"> <p> <font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>March</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1002" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1002"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1002"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:08
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e803"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>Most things about being
older don't bother me. In
terms of beauty I was never
really in the beauty mix.
I mean, you know, I had
such a pretty face if only.
I've never measured
all that by the main
stream proxy anyway.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I like the bit of gray hair
I have. Achy
joints are a drag but I
feel like those aches and
pains make me more attentive
to my body. I was a party
girl and a work horse. I
asked a lot from my body.
Now I'm taking care of it
in ways that I haven't before.
So that's good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
my left thumb hurts. My
left thumb is the thumb
I use to push the yarn when
I'm knitting. And I have
been knitting for hours
at a time. And now. My thumb
hurts. It's not that bad
and I'm just going to stop
knitting for a day and it
might have happened at any
age but it feels like old
thing. Like my body just
can not deal with anything,
any more.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
funny though. When I first realized that I wasn't going
to recover from too much debauchery as quickly as I
once did I was bummed. Now it's about being able to
work on a scarf. There is something about being older
in that as well. But it just makes me laugh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1302)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1302"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1003" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1003"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1003"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e804"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>K3 went to see <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/418656/1/16766016">The
Gate</a> for Kobi's birthday. The woman with the blue
coat and the stroller is Kara. Kara went to Berlin to
see the <a href="http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/wr.html">Reichstag
wrap.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
cultural event I want to attend for my birthday is <a href="http://www.ringcycle.ca/production/production.htm">The
Ring when Atom Egoyan directs it</a>. That won't be
until 2006. So there's time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
funny for me to think about 2006. It seems so far away
and yet I know it will arrive. Just like the first of
March arrived before I was ready for it. I guess I ought
to have a vision. Huh? But I don't really. I have some
wishes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
saw <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0426489/">I,
Curmudgeon</a> recently. Fran Lebowitz is in it and
says something in response to a question about what
Americans think. She says (quoting Deb, quoting Fran)
Americans don't think, they wish. She goes onto say
more but I laughed so hard when I her just this much.
It's true, as a cultural generality. We wish.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mostly
I wish for the book to be published. And I guess I can
do that myself. I guess. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Other
wise . Well. I'm at a bit of a loss. I think I want
to teach. I think I want to write more. I like where
I live but I'm open to moving. I'm not really generating
a vision form within. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
nice thing about having a ritual that you make up is
that you can't do it wrong. I feel very funny while
I'm doing it. Like I'm trying to solve a puzzle. It
just is what it is. Me. Grabbing at little bits and
pieces. Trying to see something clearly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1303)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1303"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1004" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1004"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1004"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e805"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My book fairy (for whom I say
thank you to the gods daily
because every day I'm reading
a book she gifted me) sent
me <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0762410604&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">the
book</a> and <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0767916336&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">another</a>.
I read back and forth between
the two. Interesting because
one has political and economic history
of knitting in which women
knit to make a living and
keep clothes on their families
and the other has a history
that talks about hand crafts
done in convents. All of
which is true. One is instructional
and the other is a memoir. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was nineteen I stepped off a curb and into a truck.
My foot went under the wheel and I ended up needing
surgery and a long convalescence. A friend bought me
a book on crochet, some yarn and a hook. I made a few
afghans, one of which I worked on (or actually didn't
work on) for more than ten years. I picked it up
again last year during the week that my dad was dying.
It was deeply comforting. And that's when I became interested
in knitting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
all that reading about knitting I wanted to do some.
And my thumb was better. Is better. Although my hands
do get stiff if I knit too much. It's all about balance.
Everything. All the time. It seems to come back to balance.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
books are both more readable than the first two books
I tried. And they are about the same size and have similar
covers. Also interesting. Reading them in tandem felt
like having conversations with both writers. I am at
the baby step level of knitting. One stitch at a time.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1304)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1304"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1005" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1005"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1005"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e805"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0767916336&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">memoir
about knitting as a spiritual practice</a> ends with
the woman unable to knit because of pains in her hands
and wrists. It isn't clear whether she still knits a
little bit. Her focus becomes the notion of spiritual
path and the knitting as a metaphor is in service to
that story. It is a nice read. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
chef who taught me how to make Hollandaise was very
particular about how things got done. You need some
kind of double boiler thing. We always had a <a href="http://www.acemart.com/merchant.mv?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=AM&Category_Code=G7-1-1">hotel
pan</a> full of water on the stove in which we would
poach eggs. I put egg yolks in a metal bowl and held
it over the hot water while I whisked. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you cook the yolks too fast you get scrambled eggs.
You are trying to incorporate air faster than you cook
the eggs. At a certain point the yolks are a pale yellow
and then you slowly add clarified butter. You're trying
to create an <a href="http://web.foodnetwork.com/food/web/encyclopedia/termdetail/0,,2329,00.html">emulsion</a>.
Then you add lemon juice and cayenne pepper and salt
and it's done. Lot of whisking. Lots. Over a steaming
hot pan. And I would get cramps in my fore arm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
worked in another restaurant where we made the sauce
in a blender. We microwaved the butter so that it was
clarified and very hot and added it very slowly. It
works. But I always felt it wasn't good enough. Like
I hadn't suffered enough for my craft. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was the place where I pre fried orders of
fried chicken. Sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty
orders, three pieces to an order. I'd finish them in
the oven when the order came in. All that frying is
done with tongs, as are many other things in the
kitchen. I sometimes called myself Tish tong hands.
But, again, the chicken frying often gave me searing
pains in my forearms. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's chopping parsley.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
all that I go to college and spend hours at the keyboard
and with the mouse and taking notes. My hand writing
is illegible. My hands and arms have done some work,
I'm tellin ya. And now I'm holding knitting needles.
What can I be thinking? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is about balance. And stretching. And resting. And ointment.
Heh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny.
The body. We ask much of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1305)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1305"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1006" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1006"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1006"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e806"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There's been a bit of ire about
this "<a href="http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm/cmi_981762">love"
letter</a> expressed on a list serve I read. Before
you follow the link I hafta say that I almost didn't
write this post because I didn't want to link to the
letter. It's just full of hate speech couched in what
the culture likes to call self improvement. But I'm
sitting here on a sunny (thank gawd) Saturday morning
feeling OK, listening to <a href="http://www.kqed.org/">KQED</a>,
as is my habit on Saturday mornings. They do these little
segments called "<a href="http://www.kqed.org/programs/radio/perspectives/home.jsp">with
a perspective</a>" and some guy is talking about
global warming. You can listen to it <a href="http://www.kqed.org/pgmArchive/RD62">here</a>.
(But I wouldn't recommend it) It's called: Global Heart
Attack.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
guy is using the metaphor of a fat person who knows
he shouldn't eat and should exercise more but he doesn't
for a variety of reasons and one day he is having a
heart attack and dies wishing he had. The speaker is
going on and on about this fat guy. I begin to wonder
if we're still talking about global warming or if we've
begun to talk about the obesity epidemic. His points
about American consumption habits in terms of natural
resources (when he finally gets around to making them)
are apt. Why he had to kill off a fat man in the process
of making his points is beyond me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
resent the way in which my individual health is aggregated
with the health of every other fat person and used as
a metaphor for death. Have thin and average people discovered
some new thing that I don't know about? Have they all
become masters of the physical universe and overcome
death? Are only fat people going to die now? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sandy
Swartz has written another <a href="http://www.techcentralstation.com/022805D.html">wonderful
article</a> (link via <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>)
in which she mentions something Paul Ernsberger says.
He says "the most morbidly obese woman has a longer
life expectancy than "normal" weight men."
I don't know how he comes to that conclusion and I am
tempted to say that, assuming the writer of the love
(cough) letter and the guy with a (cough) perspective
are both "normal" weight guys, it may be that
they cause their own death with the ill will they wish
upon me and every other fat person. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
ya know. I don't really want to go there. I don't want
to wish death on anyone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you talk about fat people in that one size fits all
manner you have stopped seeing individual people with
individual life stories. Is the fat person who exercises
and eats healthy food going to die faster than the thin
or average sized person who never exercises and eats
crap? I always think about <a href="http://www.simpsonassociatesinc.com/fixxbook.html">Jim
Fix</a>. He was a runner. He died of a heart attack.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Health
is process. Do all the right things and what? Die a
week later? OK. That's great. Unless you spend that
week wishing you had eaten more cake. I mean really.
Let's have some perspective. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
health can be negatively impacted by hostility. I feel
negatively impacted by the love of a man who wants to
tell me that I'm going to die because of all the food
he imagines I eat. I feel negatively impacted by the
tale of the inevitable death of one imaginary fat man.
I think I'll do some yoga and take a walk to shake it
off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Of
course. Ya know. I was going to that anyway. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1306)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1306"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1007" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1007"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1007"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:35
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e807"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I did wonder what Zora might
think as I watched <a href="http://www2.oprah.com/presents/2005/movie/movie_main.jhtml">the
movie</a> last night. I thought it was a good enough
film. I don't watch movies made from a book (especially
a book I love) to compare. Reading a book and watching
a movie are two different things. I remember when Mambo
Kings came out. I loved <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0060955457&music=&buyable=1&assoc_id=">the
book.</a> I loved <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104802/">the
movie.</a> I loved <a href="http://wupa.wustl.edu/asmbly/bio/Hijuelos.html">Oscar.</a>
The movie didn't hold the whole book. I'm not sure any
movie can hold a book. But they can be good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't care that it was an Oprah production. There is
a way in which Oprah now means something really good
to some people and really bad to others. Neither is
true. Oprah says she made the movie because it was such
a great love story. I think it is a great story about
love but it's also the story of a woman's life. The
choices she makes. The times she compromises and the
times she doesn't. It is such a good story.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
stumbled on <a href="http://www.unitedartists.com/personalvelocity/">a
movie</a> the other night and got sucked in by the acting
and the camera work and then the story. I didn't realize
it was based on short stories written by <a href="http://film.guardian.co.uk/interview/interviewpages/0,6737,910347,00.html">Arthur
Miller's daughter</a>. There were several moments in
the film that I wondered about once I did know. I wondered
how I would have read them. There is a moment when one
of the women says something very cold. The actress is
crying as the voice over (a male voice) says the cold
thing. If I didn't see the tears I might have taken
the words in a different way. I might have felt more
negative judgement about the woman. Hard to say. I'll
have to read the book.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
K3 came over to eat a lunch that I made for <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/51400/22/1799178/Medium">Kobi's</a>
birthday. It was great to see Jan. <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/355904">He's
bigger.</a> Hard to believe that it's been <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/68235">a
year.</a> I made a pizza with white bean and roasted
garlic puree, panchetta and arugula on <a href="http://www.vicolopizza.com/products.htm#">a
spelt and cornmeal pizza crust.</a> And pork loin rubbed
with <a href="http://www.tienda.com/food/pimenton.html">smoked
paprika</a>, spring onion and tangerine marmalade and
mashed potatoes and parsnips with the tops of the spring
onions. And I made chocolate short bread cookies, which
we ate with coconut ice cream. All good. It was a lovely
visit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been weepy. And I'm not sure why. Not that there aren't
a gazilion reasons. Still. I cry so easily and so often.
When I was young I had a hard time crying. Not so much
any more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
gave Kobi the scarf, flawed as it is. It looks good
on him. And now I'm working on something else. So. There
ya have it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1307)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1307"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1008" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1008"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1008"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e808"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It turns out I have a free
preview of Showtime. So I was able to watch the first
episode of <a href="http://www.sho.com/site/fatactress/home.do">Fat
Actress.</a> Of course just coz I could watch didn't
mean I shoulda. I thought it might be as irritating
as it is when the ad for Jenny Craig with Kirsti comes
on and she entreats us to join her in pursuit of weight
loss by eating fettuchini and chocolate cake. She says
something like - "Hey, you're chubby too."
- in a very hopped up trying too hard to be cute voice.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
show was just goofy. Too goofy to even be annoying.
There is this very interesting thing going on in it
though. The show is making fun of her weight and
showing how fat hating Hollywood is but she is the star
of the show. And she looks good. Although I do wonder
why fat women are so often wearing lots of satin
and lace and big flowing things like they're all off
the cover of a romance novel. So the reaction shots
to the size of her ass are insulting and dumb but in
some ways it's the people reacting who seem dumb. It's
not a show that I would rush to watch again but there
is a way in which it's pointing out by exaggerating
how exaggerated the whole thing is. Best possible outcome
for me would be if she never really loses weight and
still has the show. Better yet might be a show in which
a fat actress gets dignified roles in interesting films.
Ya know what I'm sayin?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also got to see a little bit of <a href="http://www.sho.com/site/schedules/product_page.do?seriesid=0&episodeid=122118">Supersize
Me</a> about which I have mixed feelings. Eating fast
food three times a day is bad for your health? Who woulda
imagined that? Picture my eye roll. I'm as anti fast
food as this guy is but he uses fat people to make his
case. The case can be made on health and quality. There
is a part of the film in which a man is getting gastric
bypass surgery at which point I stopped watching. But
before the surgery the man talks about how much soda
he drinks. It boggles my mind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I read <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/03/06/CMGGTB4KU31.DTL">an
interview of a woman</a> who has written a book about
kids and weight. It's really the same stuff we hear
all the time. Too much fast food, soda in school, yadda
yadda. And I agree with that part. Because fast food
is crap. And soda is good every once in a while but
not in gallon cups every day. Kids do need oppourtunities
for physical activity. I agree. All kids. But. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="323">
<tr>
<td width="317"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Get rid of soda, eat at home more often and try to exercise every day,
even if it's just a 15-minute walk before dinner. It's a family-wide program.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><i>Is it a family-wide program in your household?
</i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><b>I don't have an overweight child</b>, but I'm trying to take my own advice.
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
only fat kids and their families need a program? I'm
just guessing that thin and average sized kids might
need exercise too. So can we talk about it in those
terms? Eating well prepared locally produced, seasonal
food and getting some exercise is good for EVERYONE..
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a kinda fun show from <a href="http://www.sho.com/site/schedules/product_page.do?seriesid=134&episodeid=121069">Penn
and Teller</a> about the false claims of the exercise
and supplement industry. After all the fat bashing the
irreverence made me laugh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Other
than Cameryn on The Practice fat women are only in media
if they are wiling to be humiliated. It's slightly better
for fat men. Slightly. There are more than a few sit
coms in which a fat man has a "beautiful"
wife. His weight is often a source of humor and humiliation
but somehow he still has a job and someone who loves
him. Fat women are alone. I know there is a show on
which a young woman is supposed to be "plus sized"
but I've seen her picture. She looks less than average
sized to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Even
if you aren't a TV watching person, think about how
it might feel to never see anyone who looks like you
in the media. People of color know how that feels. There
is <b>somewhat</b> better representation for African
Americans but Asian and Hispanic people are not seen.
It just seems like we should be beyond all this. Diversity
should be the default not the exception. And weight
should be in that mix. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
ya know, Fat Actress is about fat woman allowing herself
to be the joke. Pass the shoe polish. It's time to get
the people laughing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1308)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1308"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1009" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1009"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1009"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:24
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e809"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Last night, on the local news,
there was <a href="http://www2.cbs5.com/content/topstories_story_067105114.html">a
woman from NOW with criticism
for Fat Actress.</a> I was
happy to see that. I don't
always feel like the organized
feminist community is as
supportive as they might
be of fat politics. I also
wish the <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">organization</a>
which purports to be our
civil rights organization
might have been out there
with some press releases.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Alley
is saying <a href="http://www2.cbs5.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_068104207.html">two
things at once</a>. She
thinks people should be
happy with themselves the
way they are and she's not
sure she will feel better
when she is thinner BUT
she is going to work to
get thinner. That kind of
double speak always raises
my hackles. It's like you
don't care if I'm fat but
would you want me to marry
into your family? Alley
is quick to say that she
is NOT a fat advocate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
women who wrote <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html">the
memoir</a> that had me <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e1000">all
wound up</a> said exactly
the same thing. I'm not
a fat advocate. Having heard
that out of the mouths of
two fat women I am now wondering
why the need to distance
oneself from advocacy. What
does it mean to be a fat
advocate? Does it mean to
advocate being fat? Alley
says it isn't fair that
fat men can get acting jobs.
The women who wrote the
book doesn't want thin people
to be disgusted by her.
But they don't want to advocate.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am a fat advocate. What
that means to me is that
fat people shouldn't be
denied jobs, housing, adequate
medical care, harassment
free environments, particularly
harassment free work environments,
representation in popular
culture and, and, and. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">Paul
linked</a> to <a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-0503070129mar07,1,5755544.story?coll=chi-homepagenews2-utl&ctrack=2&cset=true">one
review of the show</a> that
doesn't like the show and
ends with the reminder that
obesity is an epidemic.
(cough)
And as always, I am struck
by the language. Epidemic
makes it seem like you can
catch being fat. There is
some idea of a <a href="http://archive.salon.com/health/feature/2000/09/19/fat_germ/print.html">fat germ</a>.
So maybe there is some truth to that. Some. Maybe. Being
fat begins with genetics. How much a person eats and
exercises has some part in how fat they are but it's
not a simple thing to access. Many fat people eat far
less than what is imagined. Many fat people exercise
regularly. And it isn't a useful metric. It only serves
the diet industry. I might agree that there are more
fat people than there ever have been. Might. I just
don't think it's one of the signs of the apocalypse.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought I'd said all I had to say about the show yesterday.
I fell like I'm saying the same thing over and over.
But I'm hearing the same thing over and over. The same
old thing. And I wonder when it's going to turn around.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">soap opera</a> there are two out of six women who
don't talk about feeling fat. And for all of then being
fat means being ugly and uncomfortable with their bodies.
It just makes me wanna scream and yell. All day. Every
day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1309)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1309"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1010" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1010"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1010"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e810"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="171">
<tr>
<td width="165">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">First
there is a mountain</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">then
there is no mountain</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">then
there is.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know why. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just can't stop singing it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1310)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1310"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">If you could gently replace her distorted mirror</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">with your eyes so she could finally see herself</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">and she from you take your false measuring tape,</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">the world might unravel in one common embrace:</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">death and his diminutives, the clock and the seasons</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">now mute and powerless to count the ways</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">of lovers lost in the beating heart of spring.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> -
<a href="http://raysweatman.typepad.com/youliveyourlife/2005/03/klimt_dreams.html">Ray
Sweatman</a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1011" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1011"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1011"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e811"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In my dreams I am problem solving.
I don't want to wake up
until I've finished. But
I never do finish.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I turned on CNN and there
were two women in front
of monitors reading from
blogs. It's probably not
a new thing. I just haven't
been watching CNN. How mo-fessional
we are. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like I hear about
bloggin all the time now.
Warnings about bloggers
losing their jobs sound
like culture of fear hype.
Although, <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e986">it
has happened</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was happy to see <a href="http://www.butuki.com/laughing_knees/">Laughing
Knees</a> back with a new
look. I went to post a comment
and found that I needed
to register. No big deal.
I clicked to send and got
some stuff that made it
seem as if it hadn't worked.
So I clicked again and got
a message that I could only
post a new comment every
15 seconds and to "slow
down cowboy." I laughed.
Out loud. But hey. I'm a cowGIRL..
My comment showed up with
some weird tag in one of
the sentences that I didn't
put there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
also has a register to comment
thing. You have to register
to comment at <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>.
Thinking back on the comment
spam issues <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Maria</a>
suffered the register system
seems like a good idea.
Mo-fessional, I'm tellin
ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of my <a href="http://www.chrisdaly.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=22661">favorite
public officials</a> is <a href="http://www.chrisdaly.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=30221">blogging</a>.
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/03/10/BAG84BMTS31.DTL">Oh
my!</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
ten days I will have been
doing this for four years.
Raggedy and maladroit. Solipsistic.
Fuzzy headed. But I make no claims on mo-fessionalism.
Just a need to form words out loud. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1311)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1311"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"> </p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1012" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1012"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1012"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:32
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e812"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e812"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
When I woke up this morning
you were on my mind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No.No.
That's not what I was gonna write. That was just
another lyric taking over. Let me start over. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I woke up this morning I had a zit right on the top
of my nose. What is that about? I guess I thought I'd
be done with all that once puberty was over.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
body and I have not been getting along this week. Not
at all. Every other night I can't sleep. Everything
I eat gives me a stomach ache. My joints hurt and it
isn't raining. I dunno. Could be stress. Could
be hormones. Maybe I caught a bug. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
just last week thing were going so well. I was doing
yoga and taking walks and eating well. After so much
good self care it seems like things shouldn't be this
out of whack. Unless it's a bug. Or hormones. I thought
I'd take one of those over the counter menopause tests
but they're twenty bucks. I don't need to know. I mean,
it's likely that I am in some stage of menopause. So.
What ever. I already take some herbs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
a zit? Right in the middle of my nose? Good thing it's
not prom night. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
many boggers does it take to change a light bulb? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Only
one but there will be six or seven others talking about
how their light bulb changing system is better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.chrisdaly.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=30221">Cris
started his blog</a> and now everyone talking about
how he should use Blogger or MT or what ever. Can we
call what Cris is doing a blog? Or is it more like a
few columns? I don't really care what we call it. If
Cris is doing it everyone is gonna pick at it and few
are gonna talk about what he's <a href="http://www.chrisdaly.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=30352">actually
writing</a>. It's just the way we ignore issues. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am fussy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't want to play with <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/index.php">my
dolls</a>. The bugs in the game bug me too much. I had
this whole thing about having houses in which generations
of a family grow up. But the older the house the buggier
it is. There's a new expansion pack in which the teens
can go to college. I might get it some day. I'll play
my current teens up to the time when they can go and
then get the game. I guess. That will mean hours of
playing and I'm not really playing at all right now.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
been stuff in the news about how people buy houses,
fix them up and sell them. I have this romantic idea
about buying the house in which you live for your whole
life. Not even my Sims do that. We live in a restless
world. We change jobs, partners, homes, identities.
I guess I can't be too critical. I've done my
share of all that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
all over the place. But really. One day this week I
woke up, turned on the radio to hear that the <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=05/03/10/1518256">Dems
are supporting anti choice candidates</a> for the upcoming
election and <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
sent me e-mail about <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2005/03/09/entertainment/e053432S37.DTL">Russell
Crowe.</a> It was too much for me so early in the morning.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
when I woke up this morning you WERE on my mind. And
you were on my miiiiiiiiiinnnnnnd. I got trouble. Whoa-u-oh.
I got worries. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
I'll stop now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1312)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1312"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1013" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1013"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1013"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e813"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I had a tornado dream last
night. I had lots of them for awhile and then they stopped.
I'm always safe in the dream but it is scary. Last night
dream was long and baroque. There was a huge statue
made up of smaller lawn statues in the middle of Market
street. I was on a bus and the bus driver didn't stop
where she was supposed to. I was going to a place where
I could get part time work. But I went to the wrong
place and then I ended up in this house with these very
nice people who I didn't know. And then the tornado
came. There were more than one and we could watch them
from the windows. They were right beside the window
but the window didn't blow in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tend not to think about symbolism as much as I think
about how I felt in the dream. I was afraid but not
terribly. I had a feeling that I was going to be OK.
Still. It's hard to wake up from dreams like that. It's
like leaving in the middle of a movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1313)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1313"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1014" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1014"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1014"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e814"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
For a while now <a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/">Kathryn</a>
has a had a group of links to literacy and reading sites
on her side bar. I've been working my way through them.
My favorite is:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="122">
<tr>
<td width="116">
<p><a href="http://www.theliteracysite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites.woa"><img src="freebooks.gif" width="122" height="47" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Good
idea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was startled by how many there were. I was reminded
of them again while checking out the <a href="http://www.sfist.com/staff.php#cheshire">staff
profiles for the SFist,</a> one of whom is the art director
for <a href="http://www.literacyworks.org/lw/home.html?flash">Literacy
Works.</a> Oddly enough, I wondered if literacy was
such a big problem. You would think I know it is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remembered a train trip I took years ago. There were
two kids traveling with their mom sitting across the
aisle. Mom and one kid fell asleep and the other was
looking bored and nervous. He began to ask me questions.
There was a Amtrak magazine with a kids page and I asked
him if he wanted to read it with me. Some of the details
of this story may be warped in memory. I'm not sure
how old the kids was but I think he was seven or eight.
And it was clear that he couldn't read. We sat there
working on sounding out words. His sister woke up and
joined us. I remember being shocked and sad that these
kids didn't have reading. Reading with kids is so fun.
Every kid I know has books. When I was young reading
was comfort. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
K3 came over I had a little book to read with <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/355904/1/15396109">Jan</a>
at the ready. It was in Spanish and English. It was
about a cat. Each page had something to touch: fuzzy
cat fur, scratchy cat tongue. When he first came he
didn't remember me. So he and his mom sat with me and
looked at the book. I went into the kitchen to do something
and suddenly he was there at the door with the book
in his hand and a big smile. He's too young to get the
reading part but not too young to love the feel of a
book in your hand. Not to young to get the intimacy
of spending time together with a book. And I know he
sees his parents reading. So he will get the idea of
reading as a part of life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the literacy works site there some scary numbers.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="318">
<tr>
<td width="312"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">According to an estimate by the National Institute for Literacy, 40
million Americans function at the lowest skill levels in reading,
writing, and math. 60% of American adults read English at a 7th grade
level or below. Most of these adults have limited access to literacy
material and instruction. In addition, learners in rural areas are
often hampered by a lack of access to libraries, community colleges,
and adult education centers.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Even when educational material
is available, it often fails because it's not developed for ethnically
and culturally diverse learners with multiple learning styles. Local
literacy providers and learners desperately need access to free,
quality, and culturally appropriate literacy materials.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was reminded about all this again this weekend while
<a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segid=5465&schedID=336">listening
to Bernie Sanders</a> talk about his <a href="http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d108:H.r.1157:">Freedom
to Read Protection Act</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was in school I was startled by the number of fellow
students who didn't read. When I was getting a BA it
was shocking but it was more than shocking in my MFA
program. How do you write if you don't love to read?
But. I guess. There are writers who don't love to read.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just so important. So central to my own sense of well
being. If too many days go by with no reading I become
dull. I don't mean externally but internally. I need
the feel of words. Need it like I need water and air.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1314)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1314"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1015" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1015"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1015"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:59
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e815"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The nice thing about a made
up ritual is that you can't do it wrong and if you don't
do it you don't need to feel too bad about not having
done it. My ritual reminds me of the tyranny of other
rituals I've done in the past. I didn't do it once last
week. I didn't feel well all week so it just fell away.
Maybe I shoulda pushed but I didn't have it in me to
push. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I felt better. Not great. But better. It wasn't
a struggle to get out of bed. Breakfast seems to be
sitting well, so far. And I did my ritual. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
unlikely that I'll ever do it first thing in the morning.
I like my morning radio/blog/breakfast ritual too much.
But when that's all done I take a shower, get dressed
and then I'm ready. I don't know why I fill a water
cup, except I always liked that when I had my alter.
So I empty the old water into my plant.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now.
If you've been reading me for awhile you may remember
that I have one plant. Once a year it drops leaves
and one year it dropped all of them. So it was just
this stick in a pot and I thought about tossing it.
I didn't and it came back with more leaves than ever
before. It has one spot in the apartment that it likes
and if I move it, it get very fussy and starts to drop
leaves. But it isn't too fussy about how often I water
it. And I can be very bad about that. Now it gets this
cup of water from the ritual. I like that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
I fill the water cup, light a candle and some incense,
put on a <a href="http://www.yoga.com/store/product.asp?Product_ID=1507&Category_ID=320">disc</a>,
(sometimes) put a piece of fruit next to the candle
and do some yoga. I drink a glass of water before and
after and I eat the fruit later in the day. I added
the music because it slows me down and if I don't feel
like I'm going to be able to go slow I my not have anything
on, or I may listen to a <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=29796">meeting</a>,
or my <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">soap</a>,
or nothing. Today I had the disc on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other thing that disc does is to evoke reverence. I'm
not sure what the ritual is about, except that I know
I need to formalize my relationship to possibility and
awe. It remains <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e999">as
it began.</a> A bit flailing. A bit wistful. I just
don't want it to be rote. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1315)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1315"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1016" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1016"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1016"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e816"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/archive/2005/03/14/samesexruling14.TMP">YES!
Whoopppppeeeee! Yahoo!</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1316)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1316"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1017" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1017"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1017"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e817"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Twice a day at the <a href="http://www.liveindia.com/babaji/tour.html">shram</a>
we would gather up and sing. Baba came in and a line
formed of people wanting to spend a few minutes with
him. When we got right in front of him, we would pranam,
which is to lay prostrate. Some would touch his feet.
Last night I tried to remember if I ever touched his
feet. I can't remember. I think I was too shy. Westerners
often objected to the idea of acting in a submissive
manner before anyone. I found it hard not to fall and
touch the feet of everyone I met. Not because I felt
lesser. Because I was so drunk with love. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I got back I would sit across from people in cafes and
listen while they talked about the things we all talk
about. Jobs. Love interests. Hopes. Fears. But I was
blissed out. I listened but nothing seemed important.
In a way. The only thing that was important was the
love that I felt for the person. It was a happy way
to be. But it wasn't whole. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Still,
that time anchored something in me. Some sense of eternality.
Some sense of mystery. Some awareness of the way the
details and story lines matter and the way they don't
matter. I got a kind of strength. Sometimes I think
people imagine that a time like that will mean that
you never again feel sad, or angry, or lost, or frightened.
I thought that before I went. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure why I'm thinking about right now. I am musing
a lot about my sense of eternality and mystery. What
remains useful? Substantive? Even vital? I watched people
get stuck in the bliss. I watched people lose the ability
to interact with people, unless the people used a handful
of buzz phrases. It didn't seem ... whole. Substantive.
Vital. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I fumble through my made up ritual. Sorting. Parsing.
Wondering. Because I need a source of strength.
And a way to focus my intention. Because I drift in
ambiguity. I resist. Not even knowing what it is I am
resisting. Or why. And I don't get things done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1317)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1317"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1018" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1018"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1018"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e818"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
OK. So. Hmmm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Sunday I jumped to <a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000368.htm">something</a>
from <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a>. The person was riffing off of something <a href="http://koshtra.blogspot.com/">Dale</a>
said. (Such an instigator that Dale.) Earlier I'd read
something from <a href="http://thispublicaddress.com/tPA4/archives/2005/02/blogdriver.php">Jeff.</a>
I had that feeling I often get when I read people who
are smarter than I am. Well It really isn't about being
smarter. But it is about having more muscle tone when
it comes to thinking about things, writing about things,
in a social theory (or somthin) kind of a way. I feel
like I want to join in but I'm not sure what to say,
or how to say it. Because I'm reading it all and adding
it together in a way that may (or may not) have anything
to do with what they're writing. And then this morning
I read <a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com">K</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I'm just gonna stammer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
about writing, writing as identity, writing as one side
of a conversation, writing as practice and so, for me,
it all begins to poke at my ... uh ...issues. Working
backwards. Sort of. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="310">
<tr>
<td width="304">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The blog as diary seems to me of little interest. But blogging as a
form of intellectual discipline has great value. I�ve thought more
concretely than I otherwise could have about any number of issues over
the past four months as a result of this blog.
<a href="http://ronsilliman.blogspot.com/2002_12_01_ronsilliman_archive.html#86694252">(from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
I'm of more than one mind. But. Still working backwards.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="316">
<tr>
<td width="310">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Why couldn't a diary involve "intellectual discipline"? Why couldn't
meditative work on one's own life entail rigor? Why couldn't meditative
work on one's life be made public and then involve occasional
collaborative discussion with other people who are engaged in working
on their own lives in similar terms?
<a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000219.htm">(from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Exactly.
But. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="331">
<tr>
<td width="325">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It's true that you can't find many blog diarists who do this. This: I
mean personal inventory not as witness or display but as a way of
figuring things out. Breaking it down. Trading Heloise hints. Pooling
experience, nonteleological analysis. Procedures for doing it better.
It: I mean your life, chum, your life. <br>Nobody does this. But there is no logical reason, and certainly no reason of </span></font><i><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">genre</span></font></b></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">, why people can't or shouldn't. This lack or taboo is a symptom of something cultural, and it should engage a bit of interest
(<a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000219.htm">from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Nobody?
I mean. I kinda try to. Sort of. And I can think of
others. I struggled out loud with a heart break last
year. I write about disorienting dreams and sore thumbs
and what I made for dinner all because I am writing
toward the center of my experience. It probably is of
little interest, more often than not. Unless you have
become interested in me. Or unless you had a tornado
dream yourself. Or had the same song stuck in your head.
Or been depressed and worked your way out of it and
fell back into it and worked your way out of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not writing as an expert. I'm not trying to find the
answer. Well. sometimes I am but mostly I'm just writing.
Sometimes I lay in bed wondering what to write about
when my days has been filled job searches, eating, sleeping,
reading, knitting, watching something on TV, listening
to something on the radio, yadda yadda. I wonder about
and I zero in on the one thing that forms into a thing
to say. I marvel that it is read by anyone. Ever. But
I know why. I know because I read other people's blogs.
What some call quotidian I call sedition. Sedition to
the idea that intellectual rigor isn't represented in
the musings of a daily life.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Working
still backwards but closer to today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="318">
<tr>
<td width="312">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And even if that's completely wrong, even if competitive squabbling and
denunciative countermanifestoing squander all that consensual energy,
it's still the case that everyone agrees the practice is </span></font><i><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">important</span></font></b></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">, that it's worthy of </span></font><i><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">intensity</span></font></b></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">,
worthy of the risks of sinking one's identity into it. None of that is
in place for whatever kind of writing I'm imagining, some mutant
offshoot of "letterwriting" or "journalkeeping."
(<a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000368.htm">from)</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
Mutant offshoot. Yeah. But then.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="318">
<tr>
<td width="312">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The frustration here isn't about ego or prestige. It's simply a
pragmatic frustration about the fact that the practice I'm looking for
involves a certain dialogic intensity. As I've said, that means I need
other people, and not just in the relatively passive consumerist
modality in which a writer needs an "audience.
<a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000368.htm">(from)</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
here's where the Jeff post came back to me</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="340">
<tr>
<td width="334">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I�ve never been able to accept the whole �blogs are conversations�
thing. Usually, when I conceptualize my audience, it�s a weird hybrid
of my conception of myself and my conception of the people who have
visited me for a long time. It�s very much like a friendship, and you
don�t want to bore either yourself or your regular visitors. But all
the same, the tinge of guilt one feels at walking away in the middle of
a conversation is much stronger than the guilt one might experience
from not being a good �blogger� in those times when you really have
other things to do. A person can slip in and out the door easily and
largely unnoticed. It�s a big community, and while conversation occurs,
it isn�t a necessary prerequisite for participation. And it is of a
substantially different tone than conversation in other venues. The
degree to which some people �just don�t get it� is not surprising. <a href="http://thispublicaddress.com/tPA4/archives/2005/02/blogdriver.php">(from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I read that I thought about the time when I first noticed
that there were conversations going on between blogs.
I gave myself finger cramps trying to keep up and get
in on it all. But there were problems. I didn't have
comments. I didn't have perma links. I wasn't technologically
"in it." I was just trying to write in public.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Think
about that. It seems so easy once you're in it but the
technological stuff is a barrier. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I think I was more cordial
then, in a way. I'd write something
in a riff off something someone else wrote and I'd get
no response. No one linked back to what I said. And
then I got comments. And then <a href="http://cavlec.yarinareth.net/">Dorothea</a>
helped me with perma links. And then and then and then.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
have been a few "conversations" that have
occurred in my comment boxes. Mostly around fat politics.
But the more I wanted that, the more I courted
that, the more my writing felt ...oh...strained. I guess.
Just off. But I did want the contact and affirmation
of the reader/commenter. So. But. How to write
in a manner that didn't beg? Because.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="310">
<tr>
<td width="304" height="23">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I'm sufficiently shy and easily enough wounded that I don't covet large
audiences--I'm rather afraid of them, in fact. But it's harder not to
covet the collective energy represented by larger readerships, because
it seems like it would be theoretically accessible </span></font><b><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">as energy</span></font></i></b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> if one were sufficiently cautious about using strategies of indirection and mediation-- hallucination though that might be.
(<a href="http://www.ufobreakfast.com/archive/00000368.htm">from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't check my stats quite as often as I used to but
I do notice that I am still <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=rodent">a
rat</a>. I hate that I notice. I wish I didn't. I REALLY
don't want to start thinking about why. I hate what
happens to my writing when I think about all that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there is a yucky now-you-see-me now-you-don't quality
to the blog world. I've made and lost friends. More
than a few times. Sometimes it's about disagreement
and sometimes it's about misunderstanding and sometimes
I don't get to know what it's about because I'm not
getting answers to my questions. And sometimes, as Jeff
said, I get busy, or preoccupied and don't read someone
and miss stuff. And they miss stuff from me for the
same reasons. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Text
is limited. I can type myself into finger cramps and
not reach someone the way I can reach them if I can
just look them in the eyes. If you have to see me at
work, or in the neighborhood you might find a way to
work through stuff with me. Or not. Obviously this isn't
always true. But in the blog relationship you can just
stop reading someone. Stop leaving comments. Stop writing
e-mail. You can slip in and out of the door and maybe
it isn't noticed. But maybe it is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="317">
<tr>
<td width="311">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There is a dissonance in all this. The web is very �leaky� and people
pass in and out of it; and yet we seem possessive of it, as if to
insult it insults us all.
(<a href="http://thispublicaddress.com/tPA4/archives/2005/02/blogdriver.php">from</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
now I'm closer to today. When it all added up to this
post. This ramble. Now I'm to what Dale said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="312">
<tr>
<td width="306">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I sometimes had a terrible time writing when I wanted to "be a writer."
Now that I just want to say things, from time to time, I never have
that problem. If I have something to say, I say it; if I have nothing
to say, I say nothing. It's a wonderful thing for me, this not being a
writer. I can say anything I want now.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
what <a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/ahappening/2005/03/the_thing_itsel.html">K
said.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="313">
<tr>
<td width="307">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">She asked if I saw myself as a writer, and I could not bring myself to
say yes. I'm only a writer when I'm writing. Any other image I might
have of myself is just a role playing game. It says more about the
romantic idea of being a writer, about the fictions one cherishes, then
it does about anything else. The writing is the only thing that counts;
it has to speak for itself. This pen. This page. These words.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I a writer? It's just another question that makes me
squirm. And it should. Because in the time I've used
to write this I could have finished that piece I started
a month ago, or written a query letter, or searched
for placed to submit writing. But I wanted to have a
conversation. A conversation with a few bloggers, three
of which I doubt have ever read me and two of which
don't read me often and only two of which I feel comfortable
enough to leave them a comment, or send them an e-mail.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">HA
!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
a thing. What a crazy thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to go do the dishes now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1318)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1318"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1019" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1019"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1019"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e819"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Last year Jeane sent me a
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=2-1577311957-4">couple
</a>of <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1577311957-0">books</a>.
I looked through them, put
them in the pile of to be
read soon and at some point
moved them to the pile of
to be read someday. Yesterday
I thought I'd add reading
from the practicing book
as a part of my ritual.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get tense when I read books
like this. There was
a time in my life when books
like this were the mainstay
of my reading. And when
I say books like this I
mean books that talk about
metaphysics, meditating,
a way to view the world
with spiritual intent. These
days I think that if religion
is the opiate of the masses,
these kinds of books are
the crack of the privileged.
It's one thing to get up
out of your warm bed, eat
your scrambled eggs and
scone and drink your tea,
take a shower with your
<a href="http://www.kissmyface.com/Product/Kiss+My+Face/Men/1401667EA/">favorite
shower gel</a>, dress in
comfortable clothing, light
a votive and a stick of
your <a href="http://www.internatural-alternative-health.com/ingr/ingr725120.cfm">favorite
incense</a>, and read about
embracing the now for a
book you received as a gift from a loving friend. But how
useful is it in the world?
How useful would it be in
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/sudan2.html">Darfur?</a>
So I get tense because I
am reminded of my privilege
and wonder how to use the
practice in a way that doesn't
lull me into somnambulism.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I get tense when people
talk about thinking and
thought in a way that makes
thinking and thought sound
like a bad habit and not
a useful and important part
of being alive. But. Then
again. Thinking and thought
can be habitual, noisy and
just pointless. So it isn't
so much about not thinking
as it is about thinking
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I do need more intentional
silence. I need to turn
off the TV and the radio.
I need to shush the fear
and worry and what-if thinking.
I need to experience myself
in time. Or. In other words.
Be here now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I pushed through the tension
and made an effort to read
with an open heart. And
I thought about how much
I did learn as a result
of my restless spiritual
wandering, psychoanalytic
tendencies and books just
like this. The last sentence
in the first chapter says
to take your attention more
deeply into the inner energy
field of your body. Good
thing to read before you
are about to do yoga. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I do yoga I sometimes am
able to find silence. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
silence possible? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I was admiring
the Listening To on <a href="http://veronicalynne.com/">Veronica's
page.</a> When I tried to
keep <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/fatshadow/">an
LJ</a> I loved the Listening
To part. I put on music
in anticipation of writing
there. It wouldn't be hard
to add Listening To
here. But it would
be telling. At this time
of day I'm usually listening
to <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">my soap</a>. This week they
are in reruns so I'm listening
to <a href="http://www.againstthegrain.org/">Against the Grain</a>. Not
much music at this time of day when I tend to write.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I'm done writing I will do my ritual and some yoga and
I may put <a href="http://www.yoga.com/store/product.asp?Product_ID=1507&Category_ID=320">the
disc</a> on, or not. If I don't I will hear the sound
of the kids playing in the yard of the middle school
across the street until the buzzer sounds calling them
to class, the sound of a bus going up the hill, the
sound of the guy doing some work in the back of the
building, the sound of the window and wall cracking
in response to the increased heat from the sun at this
time of day, the whirr of my hard drive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now.
I know enough about mediation to know that I can incorporate
all of these sounds into my experience. They are, after
all, a part of the now. I also know that when I am concentrating
these sounds are all part of a background of which I
am barely aware. If my attention were truly, deeply
inner I might not notice any of it. We'll see how it
goes today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
already late. I got on the phone for awhile and now
it's past noon and still no ritual. Good thing I made
it up. Good thing there are no rules. It feels late.
I feel the pressure to get to the store and get back
and ... why? Uh. Not so sure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Take your attention more
deeply into the inner energy
field of your body. My body
continues to mess with me. I feel better but now I have
a sinus thing going on, which is making my head hurt.
Who was it that used to say it's always something? But
I am reminded of <a href="http://www.gestalt.org/barry.htm">Barry
Stevens</a> who I read when I was still a teenager.
Barry talked a lot about feeling the aches and pains
of the body and moving into a deeper awareness with
them. Not resisting or ignoring. Being in them. Now.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is power in holding these ideas. I do know that. After
I grouse about my privilege (which you really need a
lot of privilege to do) I am grateful. Grateful for
my friend. Grateful for the time to do the ritual. Grateful
for all candle and the incense and the disc and the
guy in the back of the building with the rake, grateful
for running water and the apple I will eat when I'm
done. Grateful for you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Post
Script at 1:30 PM. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
as I sat down to the sitting part of my yoga there was
a moment of complete external silence. And then all
of the noises that I mentioned occured, plus a plane
over head, plus someone taking to a neighbor in the
hall, plus the creak of the chair and the floor boards.
And I did have some aches in my back and my knees and
my arms. And each thing became a point of attention.
My mind wandered about and was pulled back by all these
things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
it works. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1319)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1319"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1020" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1020"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1020"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
aM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e820"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e820"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I watched a bit of <a href="http://www.starz.com/se/ssp/schedule/grid_titleview.html?v=320&e=-1&z=0">In
Cold Blood</a> yesterday. Which, I must say, is ironic.
I've read the book three times. Of all the books I want
to read and reread I would never have picked this one.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first time I read it was when I was visiting my dad
on his ranch and his wife had been reading it. I had
not much to do and nothing else to read so I read it.
Out there on the ranch. In the middle of no where. It
was just all fear and loathing. The second time I read
it was because I was assigned to read it in a class
on literary journalism when I was getting my BA.. And
I was assigned it again in a class for my MFA. So. Three
times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is a great book. I'm glad I read it. I'm glad I got
to do the kind of deep reading that three reads gives
you. But that's just about the writing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
pretty sure that I've also seen the movie before. I
don't know why it caught my attention yesterday. It
is a story that reads (for me) as anti death penalty.
I've <a href="http://www.salon.com/ent/masterpiece/2002/01/22/cold_blood/">read</a>
that Capote's identification with, or maybe love of
Perry caused the sympathetic portrait drawn of Perry
in the book. But it isn't just sympathy for a man who
had a life of bad faith and luck that does it for me.
It the description of the impact on the whole community.
The impact of the murders and the impact of the hanging
of the murderers. By the end of the book it's just all
too sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me it's a wonder that this family and these two men
wander into my life again and again. I've looked at
the story for the mastery in the writing but the
story has now become a reoccurring dream. I really don't
know why I watched yesterday. I'm not a true crime kinda
girl. I guess was drawn into the familiarity. Wondering
if it would feel the same to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday's
reading from <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1577311957-0">the
practice book</a> was about the origins of fear. The
antidote for which, at least in my life yesterday, was
gratitude. And it held up through the day. Through a sad
story and the news and the change from sunny to cloudy
in the sky. Which, I think, is the reason to have a
ritual and a practice. Anchoring a sense of the
mystery and an experience of being. And. Like I said.
Sometimes it works. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1320)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1320"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1021" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1021"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1021"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e821"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Years ago I lived in a new
age retreat center in northern California. One day I
took some <a href="http://www.magic-mushrooms.net/gallery.html">mushrooms</a>
with the intention to meditate on a picture of <a href="http://www.babaji.net/">Baba</a>.
I was having some wooozoooom fun until I realized that
I needed to go to the bathroom. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
bathroom was down the hall and I didn't want to see
anyone. Even people walking past my door seemed to pull
too hard on my awareness. There weren't really that
many people around but everything was amplified and
exaggerated. You may, or may not know what I mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'd go back into the wooozoooom and then I'd feel the
need and hear the noise of others and at a certain point
it just became ridiculous. I had a body. I needed to
go to the bathroom. That was the big mystic truth of
my mediation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't remember the sequence of things but at some point
I went down stairs and sat on the porch. There was a
big tree. I could see the tree as particles. A gazillion
points. Moving. And I could see the tree as wave. Long
strands, deeply rooted, extended into the sky, connected
and rocking gently in the wind. The rhythm of that rocking
was soothing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
years later I saw the movie <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=854933&trkid=147042">Phenomenon</a>
in which something similar happens with the main character.
He's all wound up and then he looks up at a tree and
sees the branches gently rocking and calms down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night as I was trying to go to sleep a car engine revved
up and then just sat there sending out its mechanical
hum. It wasn't that loud. It's the kind of noise I tune
out all the time. But I could feel my body pulsing with
the sound. I noticed it for awhile and then turned over
and lost track of it. I didn't notice when it stopped.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1321)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1321"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1022" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1022"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1022"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e822"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I lean forward. Slightly. When
I walk. When I sit. When
I stand. I think it's because
I lead with my head but
after years of doing it
my knees and back hurt when
I try to lean back. I've
made efforts for years to
correct this. After I do
yoga and if I do yoga every
day I am straighter. But.
Habits. You know. All
I need to do is lean back
and take a breath and I
feel more ... uh ... present. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny. <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1577311957-0">
In the practice book</a>
he posed the question -
what problem do you have
right this minute? I read
it the other night in bed and
thought - I can't go to
sleep. And then I laughed.
Why was I in bed if I couldn't
sleep? I'm not that good
at sleeping but I know
I need to get some sleep.
I spend a certain amount
of time tossing around. It's rare that
I just lay down and go to
sleep. Even last night when
I reluctantly accepted that I was too tired to wait
for <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/">Now</a> and went
to bed I didn't go to sleep for awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funnier.
But not really. A few weeks
ago I realized that I had
no plan. I had no imagined
future. Now, that might
be good in terms of a be
here now way of being in
the world but right now
it feels like a loss of
will and intention. And
it feels like fear. Not
fear of what might happen.
Fear of what might not happen.
Which I suppose aren't that
different.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
what comes from <a href="http://www.netflix.com/Queue?lnkctr=mhbque">Netflix</a>
comes in odd clusters. I toss things into the queue
with no thought about what will come when. So when I
received <a href="http://www.whatthebleep.com/"><i>What
the Bleep Do We Know</i></a> and <a href="http://www.lostboysfilm.com/"><i>The
Lost Boys of Sudan</i></a> at the same time and so soon
after <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1019">my
hand wringing post</a> I thought the gods might be trying
to tell me something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Both
films are interesting. <i>What the Bleep</i> has a loopy
little narrative running through it featuring Marlee
Matlin, in which there is some fat hating imagery. It
is in service to a good point but still. Why does the
point need to be made using size? Most of the film is
<a href="http://www.whatthebleep.com/scientists/">geeky
science people</a> talking about quantum physics. I
could listen to geeky science people talking about quantum
physics for hours. The narrative with Marlee is useful.
And <i>The Lost Boys </i>is heart wrenching and
inspiring. The films worked together for me given the
balance I've been trying to find. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a chicken and the egg quality to the quantum conclusion
of how we create out reality. What I'm always left with
is the idea that I need to stay awake. Pay attention.
Be willing to be surprised. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
lead with my head because I'm trying to understand it
all. And I mean <b>IT ALL. </b>But some of it all can't
be understood with the head. Not in and of itself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We've
been in a war and an occupation for two years today.
Every day the news has something that makes me wanna
run screaming from the planet. And yet ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
<i>What the Bleep </i>one of the stories is about a
group of 4000 people coming to NYC (or was it DC? )
with the intention to meditate en masse and observe
the impact on crime in the city. Crime went down by
twenty percent. And there was information about <a href="http://www.whatthebleep.com/crystals/">this
experiment</a> with water crystals. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i> </i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
today as I light my candle and change the water in the
cup and do <a href="http://www.ascentmagazine.com/columns.aspx?columnID=72&page=read&subpage=columns&issueID=24">standing
mountain pose</a> I will be in solidarity with many
<a href="http://www.actionsf.org/#local10">other minds</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1322)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1322"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1023" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1023"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e1023"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e822"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><b>Listening
to: </b><a href="http://www.sundaysalon.org/">Larry</a></span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e822"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
This is the first day of the
forth year of this blog. Does that mean I'm four? Or
three? I can never figure that out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I wanted to do a new design. When I go to a new blog
I look at the side bar. I look through the blog roll
and at all the buttons. One of the reasons I never got
hooked on <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/sub/http://fatshadow.com">Bloglines</a>
is because I like that moment when I see the "face"
of the blog. But if I've been reading someone
for awhile I'm really looking for the posts. There is a way in which
the stuff becomes like too many bumper stickers. So I put
all the stuff at the bottom. Then you get the post up
front and can choose to check everything else out. Better.
Maybe. On
the other hand, if you don't scroll down you might not
see something I want you to see. I dunno. I like the
less cluttered look. For now. We'll see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
made the banner from <a href="http://blog.outer-court.com/yahoo/letters.php5">a
link</a> I got from <a href="http://www.unbsj.ca/arts/english/jones/mt/archives/002036.html">Scribbling
Women</a>. I'm trying to decide if I need to make a
note of that on the page that will always be there.
Lest people think I can take photos. I cannot. I liked
the one she made with book covers but I couldn't get
it to work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
big question is whether to put more than one post on
the main page. I know there are people who check in
everyday and others who check in now and then. I think
it's clear that if you click on the month you go to
the whole month, so you can read old posts there. I
think it's clear. It's clear. Isn't it clear? I do have
an archive button, which links <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm">here</a>.
But I'm not sure that's clear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought about adding a news feed. And I kinda wish there
was an <a href="http://www.allconsuming.net/">All Consuming</a>
thing for music. Although, then you could see how long
I listen to the same five discs.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the epigraph (Which really isn't above the writing anymore
so what do I call it now? A ladogragh? ) I grabbed from
<a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/ahappening/2005/03/ar_ammons.html">K</a>
because it seemed like the perfect prayer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anyway.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
First post of the forth year. Hmmm. What do I have to
say? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
could complain about how the nightly news down played
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/03/19/state/n105633S30.DTL">the
protests</a>. But. We knew that was going to happen.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been meaning to say something here that could be my
living will. Ya know. Like. If I'm in the hospital and
living only because of feeding tubes and wires, PULL
THE PLUG. I have had this conversation with people in
my life who need to know. I am appalled by <a href="http://">t</a><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/03/19/national/w174039S78.DTL">he
actions of the Congress and the president yesterday</a>.
I do value life. My life. Other lives. But what is life?
If she could communicate in any way I might feel differently.
Of course if she could communicate we wouldn't be hearing
about it. And why do I feel like the same people who
wanna keep this women in this state of neither here
nor there are the same people who support the death
penalty and the war? Oh wait! They are the <a href="http://tomdelay.house.gov/">same</a>
<a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/president/gwbbio.html">people.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
Sunday Deb came over to watch <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60028379&trkid=106866&lnkctr=yadb_returneddvd">Bent</a>.
(I'm about to ruin the ending so if you don't want to
know avert your eyes!) After much affirmation about
how he was going to survive the main character chooses
his own death. And it is a choice that is about love
and agency and will and honor. (So maybe I didn't ruin
the end coz you hafta watch to get all that.) The movie
has stayed in my mind all week. It's so well written.
And the music fits it so well. And there are these ideas
about love and passion and how we connect, all in the
woeful environment that was the camps. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't have a belief about what happens when we die. I'm
gonna wait and be surprised.
It does seem logical to me that something about who
we are in these bodies is eternal. I hope it isn't our
greed, our hatred, our ignorance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
quantum physics/metaphysical intersection talks about
the observer as the source of creation and the oneness
of all things. So I am one with those people who aggravate
me so. Not in an abstract way but in terms of the way
cells work, the way air and water work. And I am co-creating
with all of those parts of me. <a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/">Caroline</a>
has a great way of saying this. The (fill in the blank
with the name of someone you loathe) part of myself
is (fill in the blank with something you loathe about
the person you loathe). </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
observer/creator part of ourselves is the part I think
might be eternal. The thing about being a part of something
larger is that it's difficult to imagine the whole of
the thing. And it all gets a bit zoomy. And who really
knows?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
we could someday choose not to die but to just change
the form in which the part of the whole we call
us is. (Huh?) But if we aren't there, then we're going
to die. Some day. Some how. And if we are going to die,
then it's part of life. So how do we feel about that
moment? Is the body the most important part of our existence?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I have to write a living will so that some jamoke
with an idea of life that they think is more righteous
than mine won't use me to act out a (cough) more moral
keep me alive no matter what and despite the cost (money
and emotion) purpose. My body is not here to serve your
ideas of what is right. Even if I am one with you in
some big how energy works kind of way.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Zoomy,
I'm tellin ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been meaning to write about how it's been rainy and a good
time for the oven to be on all day. I baked a butternut
squash for soup and made some blueberry/pecans scones
and roasted <a href="http://www.mtnking.com/fingerlings.html">fingerlings</a>.
I like putting fingerlings (when they're hot) in a salad
of mixed greens. I like the hot/cold crispy/smooshy
combo. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">First
day of spring. First
post of the forth year. It's been harder lately. And
I keep wanting to do it. I keep wondering why. And I
keep doing it. <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March.htm">My
first post</a> was about problems with design and politics
and what I was eating. Consistency. More or less. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1323)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1323"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e824"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
posted this morning. I added to it later in the morning.
Something I did at that point messed things up. Big.
I've been working on it all afternoon. Adding stuff.
Taking it out. Whatever was wrong seems to have been
in the second half of the post. So I took it out and
I'm not sure if I will rewrite it for tomorrow, or what.
Right now I'm just really frustrated. But things are
back to ...uh...normal. Except the perma link means
nothing right now. I'm still working on that. </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm glad the page loads faster.
I think that might be because all the slow stuff is
at the bottom. It may still be loading long after you
finish reading the post. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I thought about the possibility
that the link to old entries might not be as clear as
I think it is so I took the link off of the month, added
a link to yesterday (at the bottom of the post) (which
takes you to the page of the whole month) and made a
permalink link. It seems graceless. I'm still trying
to think of a better way to do it and I'm open to suggestions
and it might be much ado about not much. I also changed
the way my YAACS displays. Respond always seemed a bit
strident. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got the <a href="http://www.makepovertyhistory.org/">Make
Poverty History</a> banner from <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">Cyndi.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Speaking
about much ado, I'm trying SO hard not to get in on
the recent where are all the women bloggers thing. Because.
Sigh. Oh. Just because. The blog world is HUGE. There
are clusters of bloggers who have never read me and
who I have never read and we don't link each other and
it's really OK. I wish I were more like <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/archives/000562.html">Cleis.</a>
I wish I weren't aware of who links to me and how many
people stop by and on and on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
so interesting. If you asked me if I were competitive
I would say no but I think I am. More than I care to
admit. But when I find myself getting too wound up,
I back away. And take a breath. And settle down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will say this much. No body is gonna talk me into taking
down my blogroll. I USE my blog roll. I guess there
are other ways to keep a list of who I want to read
but I use my blog roll. I rarely get through it but
it's there for my use. When I see myself on someone
else's roll I feel good. When I see that I've been taken
off someone's roll I feel sad. And then? And then nothin.
Life. Goes. On. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I started blogging I didn't realize that I was going
to be part of a community. I didn't really know what
I was getting into. I feel some sense of ... oh ...
I dunno. Responsibility? So I link to other people now
and then and I have a blog roll.
My <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1018">big
post</a> was about the complexity of participating in
this community. It is complex. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
is taking down a blog roll going to advance the cause
of people who aren't linked up? It's going to further
isolate people who are writing things that may not be
writing toward a politic, or technology, or what ever.
I sometimes go through other people's blog roll to meet
new people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/">Amp</a>
does this thing periodically in which he links a few
people at a time in a post. May be I should do that.
(Speaking of Amp, check out <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2005/03/21/cloned-pets/">this
cartoon.</a>) (Speaking of Amp again, in the new design
I seem to have disappeared from the blog roll. Maybe
I'm not topical enough. I'm trying to think that it
might have just been a space out. But since Barry is
one of my blog crushes I am feeling a little pouty about
it. Do I need to launch a topic campaign? ) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
instead of talking about where are all the women we
might talk about is the personal political? Is this
more of a journal than a blog? Perhaps. And is my life
political? I hope it is. One of the most political things
on the web is <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru's
</a>To Do list. It's the details of the life of a single
mother trying to care for her kids, her home, make a
living and still have time for herself. Where are all
the women bloggers? They're there writing about their
lives and only a culture that values rhetoric above
lived life doesn't see them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
ya know, even that's a generalization. Women can pundit-off as
well as any man. And they do. Dru does. Often. One of
the marvels of the blog world is that I spend some time
wondering if Dru will get the fridge cleaned out this
week. I wonder about it because I wonder about Dru.
There's a marvelous weaving of the mundane and the profound
on many blogs. Maybe I feel like these where are all
the women discussions put pressure on women to write
more about ideas and less about their lives. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Speaking
of Cleis. I got <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/archives/000564.html">this
from her.</a> Although, I did see it <a href="http://www.unbsj.ca/arts/english/jones/mt/archives/002043.html">here</a>
too. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1. You're stuck inside </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fahrenheit 451</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">. Which book do you want to be?</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0864922493&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Fugitive
Pieces.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0880015829&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Port
Moresby.</a> Which, I'm pretty sure, is just not
a good thing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">3. The last book you bought is:</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thanks
to <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
and Adrienne I haven't been tempted to spend money
I don't have on books I just hafta have for quite awhile.
But I did find a hardback of <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0694515035&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">The
History of God</a> on sale not too long ago. I had the
paperback, which I gave away. I have a thing about hardbacks.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">4. The last book you read is:</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=9">Lolita</a>,
which I finished just last night but parts of which
I may need to reread. It was a hard book for me to read.
The writing was wonderful and is the reason I kept reading.
But I did check out while reading. A lot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">5. What are you currently reading?</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to read <a href="http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=9">Pnin
in the Nabokov</a>, <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0762410604&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">The
Joy of Knitting</a>, <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_0140157190,00.html">The
Color of Summer</a>, <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0231128967-1">Colette</a>,
<a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=1594630097&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Fat
Girl</a> and <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1577311957-0">the
practice book.</a> In no particular order. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">6. Five books you'd take with you to a deserted island:</span></font></b></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">NO!
Don't make me choose. Sigh. I guess I'd take <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0394712439/qid=1111367996/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/102-5528924-0712119?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">Proust</a>
but only if I can count it as one book. <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=8445074490&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Shikasta</a>.
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0374163065/qid=1111368694/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/102-5528924-0712119?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">Giving
Good Weight.</a> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0674676246/qid=1111368731/sr=2-6/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_6/102-5528924-0712119">Emily.</a>
This is just too hard. OK. <a href="http://www.sixteenrivers.org/mapmaker.php">Mapmaker
of Absences</a>. Ask me again in ten minutes. I'll give
you five different answers. Except. I think I would
always take the Proust. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/">Elayne</a>
has been posting links to lots of women bloggers and
I have been scared to go through her links because I
can't keep up with the blog roll already have. Last
night I read through some. Phew. There are some mighty
writers out there. Mighty. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
took me to <a href="http://www.rainbowgrocery.org/">Rainbow
</a>and then to <a href="http://www.lastsupperclubsf.com/">Last
Supper Club</a> for lunch. As I was getting out of the
car I jammed my thumb into the door! My knitting thumb!
Dang! I could still knit but I had to be really careful.
That's sort of a cool thing about an injury. It
makes you pay attention. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wanted to knit because I thought it might keep me calm
while I listened to <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/03/20/national/w220236S74.DTL">the
debate</a>. It didn't keep me calm. It's just heartbreaking.
And terrifying. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Remember
my tornado dream? Well. <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/03/21/TWISTER.TMP">Gulp.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1324)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1324"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
22
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e824"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Arg.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had such a good morning yesterday. Posted. Read blogs, listened
to the radio. Ate breakfast. Showered. Did the ritual/yoga.
And decided to add to my post. Such a simple idea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like the problem might have been in the YACCS
code. This after hours and hours of taking stuff out
and putting it back. If I was more literate with HTML.I
might have been able to fix it faster. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then it was rainy and cold and I was in a very bad mood.
I had things I was gonna do and I was off to a good
start and then I was just stuck. I hate not knowing
what I need to know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I ate some butternut squash soup and salad and corn
tortillas. I took the apple from the ritual shelf and
put it in my pocket with the intent to take it in the
kitchen and cut it into four and eat it. I needed my
hands to carry the dishes and glass to the sink. Once
I was in the kitchen I couldn't remember where I'd put
the apple. When I did remember I laughed and my mood
shifted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't always pull out of a funk that quickly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess I could try to reconstruct the second half of
the post from yesterday. I had jumped to <a href="http://academianuts.blogspot.com/2005/03/chained-up-in-lions-den.html">this
post</a> from a woman writing a paper in which she is
exploring the idea of web log as autobiography from
<a href="http://www.bookish.dk/">Bookish.</a> And I
remembered <a href="http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/waldman/2005/03/14/blog/index_np.html">this
article</a> linked by <a href="http://www.willa.com/weblog/2005/03/living-out-loud-online.htm">Willa.</a>
The article is written by a woman who used <a href="http://bad-mother.blogspot.com/">to
blog.</a> In the article she wrote about the urge to
confess and expose oneself on a blog. And I read that
<a href="http://www.catherinejamieson.com/pages/050312.html">Catherine</a>
doesn't think she'll do personal writing any more
for some interesting reasons. It just got me
thinking. But
I've been all meta all the time for a few days and now
I've lost the groove. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I had a hard time waking up because I was trying
to get things done in my dreams. All those hours yesterday
working on something without the knowledge I needed
to do it. All the trial and error frustration. I think
it just whacked me out. Life has felt that way for a
few years now. Like I'm trying to do something. It can
be done. But I don't have the knowledge I need and I
don't know anyone to call. So I just keep trying things.
And the whole time I'm tense because the voices of notgoodenough
and whatif are loud in my head. But, ya know, sometimes
the apple is in your pocket. You just forgot you put
it there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1325)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1325"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1025" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1025"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1025"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:53
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e825"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
a result of the where are all the women bloggers stuff
I find that I have been linked on <a href="http://www.reachm.com/amstreet/archives/2005/03/10/bloghercon/">The
American Street</a> (in a long list of other women)
compiled by Jude and linked on <a href="http://iddybud.blogspot.com/2005_03_07_iddybud_archive.html#111021014980072234">her
site</a> as well. Which is very nice. I'm always grateful
for a link. I do kinda wonder if I got linked because
I'm interesting, or did I get linked because I have
an in-ny instead of an out-ty. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
question of where are all the women bloggers and
the notion of links as an act of support is problematic.
It comes from a perspective on blogging that I don't
entirely get. It feels like the question itself tries
to draw a line around something wild. It's being asked
inside a specific blog cluster and in some ways ignores
the fact of the mommy blogs, the knitting blogs, the
poetry and art blogs and on and on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
idea of a blog as an autobiography made me smile because
it does seem like many people begin blogging in response
to something. Often during a time in their life when
they have a need to connect and express. Even blogs
with a specific purpose (knitting, poetry,art, cooking,
politics) are about expressing and connecting. There
are lives being written. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
some people care more about expressing and others care
more about connecting. But I really don't think that's
entirely gender specific. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think memoir might be a better way to say it. Autobiography
is the story of a life. Memoir is the musings of a life.
Although even that is too tight a frame. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Musing
in this life today is about my failed hot crossed buns.
They taste OK but they just did not rise. So they're
a bit dense. And the dropped stitch in my knitting project
and my almost disastrous effort to go back and get it.
I seem to have entered some kind of inept zone. I feel
like I should wrap my self in protective clothing and
sit very still. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
terribly interesting. Dang. I'm failing my gender. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1326)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1326"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1026" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
24
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e826"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><a href="http://www.imood.com/users/Fatshadow"><img src="http://moods.imood.com/display/uname=Fatshadow/trans=1/imood.gif" alt="The current mood of Fatshadow at www.imood.com" border="0"></a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still fond of <a href="http://www.nbc.com/American_Dreams/about/index.html">American
Dreams</a>. Last night's episode featured old footage
of the Mamas and the Papas and Van Morrison. It just
makes me happy. But there was something else. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
this episode Jack's (the father of one family) brother
is in a car accident and ends up on a ventilator. Jack
has to decide whether to pull the plug. I'm thinking
the show was written, filmed and scheduled before the
Schiavo case became top of the page news. And I imagine
there were some network executives that were chewing
their nails before it aired. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
show takes place in a time when having someone on a
ventilator was new technology and that was the metaphor
on which the episode pivoted. The newness. In a parallel
story line another character is trying to sell TV's
by focusing on the NEW remote control gadget. I remember
the general suspicion of new things. Hard to imagine
in a world where the <a href="http://news.zdnet.com/2100-1040_22-5632855.html">new
gadget</a> sells out before it hits the market but back
then there was a drive for innovation pushing against
a culture trying to cling to a norm. And newness was
everywhere, in the food, the music, entertainment, transportation.
One of the kids in the show was eating a <a href="http://www.kraft.com/100/innovations/kraftcheese.html">cheese
slice.</a> There was a time when cheese slices were
new. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Taking
someone off a ventilator and taking someone off a feeding
tube are somewhat different. But the process of making
the decision was similar. Of course, it's television.
Everything has to wind up in an hour. Jack decides to
pull the plug because he wonders if they should let
happen what "God intended in the first place."
Again. I remember that kind of thinking. And I think
some people still think like that. So here was this
show "pulling the plug" on a life during a
time when the country is in heated debate about that
very thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Listening
and reading to the coverage of the controversy about
Terry is heart wrenching and often infuriating. So many
people are using the debate to advance causes of their
own. Even Paul Campos, who I much admire, <a href="http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/news_columnists/article/0,1299,DRMN_86_3639869,00.html">wrote
about the case</a>, wondering why there isn't much discussion
of the eating disorder that caused her condition. I
think I mentioned her in a rant I wrote once about the
deadly cost of fat phobia. But it troubles me to talk
about it now. It troubles me because we are in this
very tender time now. We are collectively sitting watch
while this women's life passes from one way of being
to another. It seems like a time for quiet. Instead there
is a battle raging. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listened to <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=05/03/22/1529259">a
debate</a> the other day on Democracy Now between a
bioethicist and a disability rights organizer. I have
been thinking about a film I saw once about a man who
lived in a life support tube. I can't remember the details.
His head was out of the tube. He could talk and read
and write with a stick in his mouth. He was amazing.
It doesn't seem like Terry is disabled. But, I am not
a doctor. I keep wondering if Terry's body can bear
the weight of all the agendas stacking on top of it.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Late
last night I was trying to put my mixer back on the
shelf and a glass fell from the top shelf and broke.
It was one of the last two left from a set of four given
to me by a friend years ago and it was one of my favorite
glasses. So I was bummed about it but not that bummed.
On the way down, however, it knocked into a cup and
saucer and some little spreading things with bunnies
on them that Renee gave me. The saucer was cracked in
half and two of the bunnies lost their ears. It seems
like I might be able to glue them back together but
last night when it happened I was tired. It hit me in
some fissure of sentimentality and I was so sad. Really.
My ineptness continues and the protective clothing
sitting still option seems like wisdom. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I swept the kitchen again. I'd slept off the
drama. I think I have some glue. It really wasn't a
big deal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have this patchwork theology of my own. I try not to
attach to forms. I try and yet film footage from my
youth makes me wanna dance. Dancing is good. Attachment
is just attachment. And I am sentimental. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kobi
sent a couple of <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/449916/1/18131221">pictures</a>
of Jan wearing the scarf. I made the scarf long because
Kobi is so tall. It amazes me that Jan isn't tripping
over it. Tall dad. Tall boy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1327)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1327"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1026" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1027"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1027"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1025" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Yesterday</font></a><a id="e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
24
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e827"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
back hurts. It's been hurting for a few days. At first
I did what I always do. Ignore it. It's hard to ignore
pain. So I started with the Advil, ice pack, Arnica
and rest. I really did sit still yesterday (although
I can't figure out protective clothing). Knitting and
movies have been keeping me sane. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
ritual. No yoga. No momentum. It is frustrating. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't sit at the computer for too long. And sometimes
it seems like my whole life happens on the computer.
Knitting. Watching <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=-1&movieid=60034802">Che</a>
and <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=-1&movieid=70002816">Angels</a>,
reading. Probably sounds like a nice life. Except. I'm
not getting anything done. And there are things I need
to do. Really. Really.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mostly
I'm just trying to make it worse. And not to get cranky.
I'm just trying to be still. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1328)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1328"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1027" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1028"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1028"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e828"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think I made too many jokes about sitting very still
in reaction to my spate of things going not so well.
And now all I can do is sit still. Kinda makes ya wonder.
Here I've been. With an ice pack and a heating pad.
Pillows under my knees in bed. Advil. Arnica. Knitting.
Movies. Books. Radio. Deb came over with Indian food
and ice cream one day and a sandwich and cookies the
next. Except for the pain and the occasional bout of
self pity, I'm really OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I've been on kind of unintended walk through history.
Beginning with a film about <a href="http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2005/chisholm/about_chisholm.html">Shirley
Chisholm</a> and then <a href="http://www.hbo.com/films/angelsinamerica/">Angels
in America.</a> The whole time I was having this - wherewasI-
feeling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't vote for Shirley Chisholm in the Democratic primary
because I was registered Independent. That presidential
election was the first election I was able to vote in
and I wish she had been on the ballot.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
the film the parallels between that election and the
most recent election were surprising. Maybe they wouldn't
be if you were paying more attention then and now. I
was just out of high school and more interested in the
Woodstock Nation and boys with long hair than I was
in anything happening inside the beltway. But there
is was. A hand wringing Democratic party unable to support
a person of color, (especially a woman) a right wing,
untrustworthy, Republican in office, a divided nation,
an unpopular war, threats to social services and women's
rights. It was all going on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm">written</a>
about how checked out I was during the Reagan years.
Maybe checked out is too harsh. I just remember thinking
politics were corrupt and impossible. Angels, much like
when I saw <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60020052&trkid=181026">And
The Band Played On</a>, left me stunned by how
much I didn't know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
found it all oddly reassuring. Because it has always
been going on. The right. The left. Party politics.
Back door deals. And there have always been people pushing
at all of it. Challenging all of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was born the day after Ethel Rosenberg was executed.
In Angels Ethel says Kaddish for Roy Cohn after
his death from Aids and I wept. So radical and healing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
back hurts the most in the morning. I can't sit
in my desk chair for very long. I'm not up to much
blog time. And now I'm going to get a fresh ice pack
and get back in the cushy chair. Tomorrow I'm going
see if I can get an adjustment. It'll be OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1329)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1329"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
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<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1029" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1029"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1029"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e829"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">First
the bad news. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My chiro is on vacation till Friday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">However.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
suggested I take four Advil at once and WOW! It felt
pretty good. It might not be the solution but it was
nice to have the ragged edge taken off the pain. I'm
funny about things like Advil. It's like I think it's
a gateway drug or something.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still not good for much. I
do now know way more about <a href="http://www.historychannel.com/barbarians/">the
Mongols, the Huns, the Goths and the Vikings</a> than
I ever thought I'd know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
trying to think of something interesting to write but
all I can say is ...ouch. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
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<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1030" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1030"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1030"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March
31
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:04
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e830"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </a></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first wake up I think I'm all better. But then I stand
up. And with every step the pain is more acute. I get
a muffin, the Advil and an ice pack and wait for the
throbbing to stop. By the afternoon, after the Advil
kicks in and after some ice and then heat and then ice, I
begin to have more range of motion. I can walk with
fewer twinges. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tomorrow.
Tomorrow I get an adjustment from my miracle working
chiro. A friend asked me if there wasn't someone else
I could have seen. And I guess there is another chiro
in my chiro's office but I just didn't want to see anyone
else. So I guess I've chosen for this to go on all week.
I have been wishing it would just fix itself. And the
pain is disorienting. So I might not be making the best
choices.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was struck by how much I didn't want to be adjusted by
anyone but my chiro. I still have some agoraphobia going
on. I think. I don't know. Before this happened I was
feeling so upbeat and focused and over all the bad juju
things that I'd been working on. If not over, at least
I felt like I had things compartmentalized. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now
I'm a little shaky. I feel a little beaten up. And unsure.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
sent me <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html">Fat
Girl</a>, which I've almost finished. I have to take
breaks from it because it is full of body hatred. But
I want to be clear. It's a well written book. I do relate
to lots of it. I just don't relate to the relentless
hatred of fat. Relentless. I swear I want to hug this
woman. I don't think she'd take it well but I just want
to hug her and beg her to stop hating her body. Please.
Please. Please.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
is, of course, easier said than done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/books/review/027STERNL.html?oref=login">Times
review</a> has a good enough summery and a radical quip.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="349">
<tr>
<td width="343">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For those of us who have lived this same life to one degree or another,
this book should be a rallying cry. We are mad as hell and we are not
going to take it anymore. But take it, unfortunately, we do, and we
will continue to, as the ''obesity epidemic'' receives endless press
and fat haters coast under the radar as do-gooders.
</span></font>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
Well. Let's just NOT take it. OK? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then the review ends with a slam. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="355">
<tr>
<td width="349">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">One last thing I must say about this book. For a writer of Moore's
talent, ''Fat Girl'' has been published to appear second-rate. Its
sloppy editing and uninteresting jacket design look like something you
would pawn off on a fat girl, no matter what her age. Moore and her
audience deserve better.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure what that means. Something you would pawn off
on a fat girl? I'm not sure how to assess the editing.
My complaint about the cover is that it is the same
old head chopped off image of a fat person.(although
really. I was fatter than that when I was a kid. The
image is not really fat. I know my perspective
may be different from ...oh, I dunno...everyone else.
Heh.) It is harder to hate people when you hafta
look into their eyes. I'm not sure that I would call
the jacket design uninteresting though and I can't help
but wonder if it isn't the image of a "fat"
girl that seems uninteresting to the person. I'm just
not sure what she means. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my current mood reading a woman bang on herself for
having an appetite and being fat isn't good. I'm feeling
too vulnerable and sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
her description of her father's appetite (and her own)
there is the suggestion of pathology. I know that there
are people who eat for comfort. Food is comforting.
I know there are people who eat massive amounts of food
in an attempt to self comfort. I also know that some
of those people are thin. And many fat people don't
eat that way. Sometimes I eat for comfort but I've never
found the food that can really take away despair. Judith
Moore believes she over eats for comfort. Who am I to
argue? Her writing has been compared to MFK Fisher and
Kristina says her <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0865475180&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">first
book</a> is like MFK. But in this book food is the sin.
There are laundry lists of sumptuousness that don't
add up, except to signify sloth. MFK loved food. Wrote
with honor and respect and fondness. Not shame. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
needed to do some laundry yesterday. No more clean underwear.
I knew I couldn't do the stairs too many times so I
gathered up a small bag. I ran into my neighbor and
we chatted about backs. Mine and his. He's had problems
too. And he asks, "Can you lose some weight?"
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean. Ya know. I just. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just such a not useful thing to say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1)
Even if were trying to lose weight I couldn't lose fast
enough to help my back today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2)
While it might be easier on my back if I weren't fat
it isn't true that only, or all fat people have back
pain. When I go to see my chiro I rarely see fat people
in the waiting room. So why take advantage of the fact
that my back is out to say something about my weight?
The only thing I can do is stand there and take the
blame for my back pain as a result of my weight. And
I still have a back ache. So what is the point? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I picked up a box in a walk-in cooler and turned
and ...pop. My back went out. I had a great chiro then.
My first. He fixed me right up. Years went by with no
big problems. The next time I went to a chiro it wasn't
even about pain. A friend was doing massage in a chiro
office and I decided to get adjustments. On my first
visit the women adjusted me and then said, "I bet
you didn't think a little woman like me could adjust
someone as big as you." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
said, " Well I would hope that if you thought you
couldn't you would let me know that before we worked
together." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then she told my friend that she was afraid I'd break
the chairs in her waiting room. Oh yeah. That was enough
of that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had another chiro for awhile who was good but the office
he worked in closed. And then one day when I was getting
the BA and working more than full time and I was tired
and worn out all the time I had one foot on the side
of my tub and I moved my hip and pop. Out again. Big
time. It was SO painful. And that's when I met Barbara.
And she is the BEST. Ever. She will make me all better
tomorrow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
did I say to my well intended (cough) neighbor when
he asked if I could lose some weight? I said, "
It would seem not." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just hafta make myself laugh sometimes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
It still hurts to sit in my desk chair. And I'm feeling
it. Back to the cushy chair and the heating pad. Tomorrow
I'll be ALL better. In fact, maybe I just was just missing
Barbara. Maybe that's why this happened. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
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