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<td width="721"><p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>March 2004</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e555" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e555"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e555"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
March, they say, comes
in like a lion. And I'm feeling
the growl. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
in case I haven't been clear,
although I'm sure I have been
and if you've been reading me
you may already know this about
me, I am not ashamed of being
fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Let
me say that again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am not ashamed of being fat.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel the same way about being
fat as I do about the color
of my eyes, or my skin, my height,
my shoe size, the wave of my
hair. All these attributes of
physicality are an expression
of my genetic heritage. My ancestors.
My people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
hair, by the way, is turning
white in a few places. That's
the thing about a life in a
body. The body changes. I love
my white hair. Most of it is
in the front and on the right.
I see it when I brush my hair
back. It always makes me smile.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
and I have a few scars. One
really big one on my foot. Big
truck. Long story. It's pretty
ugly but I'm not ashamed of
it. It's part of the story of
my life, written on my body.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I am fat. Very fat. Could I
eat less and exercise more and
lose weight? Sure. But
it's been my experience that,
even with more exercise and
less food I don't ever really
get thin. Thinner. But not thin.
But that's not something that
makes me sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am not ashamed of being fat.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
body. My life. My choices. I
did not chose being fat. But
I have willfully chosen not
to be ashamed of being fat.
I willfully chose to not obsess
about everything I put in my
mouth and push my body through
an athletic amount of movement.
I eat what I want. I move as
much as I want. There are days
I am not in touch with my body.
It's part of the process of
being who I am in the world.
I make no apologies for who
I am in the world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love beautiful, healthy, real
food. Later today I'll get the
<a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/">box
of fruits and veggies</a> that
I get every week. Last night
I made brownies. I hadn't made
brownies in a long time. It
was fun. They're good. I enjoyed
them. I'll be enjoying them
for a few days. Anyone who thinks
I shouldn't eat the brownies
can kiss my fat ass. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also ate a nice dinner of chicken, Swiss chard and fingerling
potatoes. Not that that's anybodies business. I made
myself a nice dinner and I made myself some dessert.
It was a rainy Sunday evening and it felt good to have
the oven on and smell chocolate baking. I don't always
take such good care of myself. Last night I did. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I'll go to my <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga
class</a>. I love my yoga class.
I love my yoga class because
it locates me in my body. I
feel my muscles. I feel the
tightness and the release. I
feel my weakness and my strength.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you're wondering why I'm going
on and on about all this, well,
it's just because there are
times when people's sanctimonious,
mean spirited need to feed me
their diet of shame puts me
over the edge. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
body police want me to feel
shame. They can't reason through
their own hatred. They want
me to comply with their notions
of morality. They want to threaten
me with illness and death. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
I'm not dead. I'm not sick.
I'm here today. I'm here on
this first day of March. I'm
feeling a growl and a roar.
I'm feeling strengthened by
the friends I have who have
taken the time to question their
assumptions about weight. I'm
feeling solidarity with my fat
brothers and sisters who have
stopped swallowing shame. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am not an apologist. I am a
fat woman. I'm pretty cute,
by the way.
I'm ready for another day of
the story of my life. My life.
Not the one some people think
I should be living. My life.
I hope you all have a lovely
first day of March. I hope you
have a lovely first day of the week. I hope the choices
you make about your body are the ones that work for
you. I know the ones I make for mine work for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(856)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_856"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:48
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e556" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e556"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e556"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
is listening to the same <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">radio</a>
I am. Hearing the news about Aristide being kidnapped.
I am livid. I see nothing of this in the mainstream
media. I'm hoping the alternative media will push until
the truth comes out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(857)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_857"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:11
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e557" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e557"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e557"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The nicest part of my day will
be voting for <a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/">Dennis</a>.
I'm not happy that I'll be voting for Barbara Boxer
given that she feels the need to claim marriage for
heterosexuals. We have a few propositions on the ballot
that it's gonna bug me to vote for. And I might not.
I'm still thinking about them.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Laurie
wrote a wonderful <a href="http://www.cocokat.com/archives/000769.php">letter
to her Senator.</a> Such a good idea. I'm listening
to <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Democracy
Now</a> as I type. My thoughts are all over the place.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
Sally came up to me in yoga and said, "You seem
like you're out of your body." I had to laugh.
It was a struggle. By the end of class I felt more in
my body but my mind is in such a rev right now. I did
a little bit of yoga this morning. I might try to do
more in a little while. I need to get grounded. I do
think my warrior pose is looking good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(858)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_858"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:23
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e558" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e558"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e558"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
You know what I wish? What
I really really wish? I wish I would go to one of the
progressive blogs that I read, one of the ones not written
by a fat person, and see something written about fat
politics. I wish I'd read someone thinking out loud
about the ways they've thought about weight and bodies
and choices and assumptions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know it's hard. People who aren't fat sometimes think
they are. Especially women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there's so much else to write about. So much going on.
There was an election today. The results were so predictable
it made me tired listening to them. I listened to hours
of political analysis of why it all went the way
it did. I'm freaked about <a href="http://www.truthout.com/docs_04/030204B.shtml">Haiti.</a>
I'm shaken by the news from <a href="http://www.truthout.com/docs_04/030304B.shtml">Iraq.</a>
There are important things going on in the world. Serious
things. I know there are issues. Gay marriage. Rape
trials. There are events. Award ceremonies. There's
so much going on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
after a few days of things like what happened at Dru's,
after I go on a rant, after I feel bathed in the support
of my fellow fat friends and a few of my not fat friends
I find myself wishing. One of the things I love about
Sandy Swartz is that she isn't fat. And <a href="http://www.techcentralstation.com/012204D.html">she
gets it</a>. It comforts me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I dunno. I just sometimes ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(859)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_859"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:06
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e559" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e559"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e559"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
On the other hand, maybe it's
a fat thing. You wouldn't understand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been a cold winter in SF. I don't remember a colder
one. The heater is right in the middle of my apartment
and usually does a fine job of keeping me warm. This
year I've been closing the doors to the kitchen, bedroom
and bath in an attempt to get the living room war. As
I get closer to bed time I open the door to that room
and hope it'll get warm. My PG&E bill has been horrifying.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I kicked the covers off. I was in a night sweat.
But then the sweat on my skin got cold and I pulled
the covers back. And pushed them away moments later.
it was like having a fever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems warmer this morning. The sun is shining. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been doing yoga first thing. It's a wonderful way to
start the day. Sally has these great things she says
to us as she talks us through the postures. things about
strength and being able to feel the support of the earth.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Living
in a city where the earth occasionally shakes makes
that almost comic. But I get the deeper meaning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
say voter turn out was low. But the joint was jumpin
when I was there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(860)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_860"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:43
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e560" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e560"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e560"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Oh my. I am drinking the strongest
cup of coffee. I've been drinking green tea in the morning
and coffee in the afternoon, or not at all. But the
last few days I've been craving coffee late at night.
I haven't had it because it just seemed like a bad idea
but I keep wanting it. So this morning I decided to
drink some first thing. And I made this really, really
strong cup. My eyes are spinning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I watched <a href="http://www.hbo.com/films/umbria/">My
House In Umbria</a> last night
because
<a href="http://susanjayne.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_susanjayne_archive.html#107634775381325641">Susan
liked it.</a> It was pretty
fabulous. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a buzz and heart full of chaos. I think I'll clean
my kitchen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(861)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_861"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:53
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e561" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e561"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e561"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I
spent hours looking at photos
and film of the Gay weddings
in SF looking for my friends.
I know four couples who got
married and I wasn't invited
to one wedding. Harrrrrumph.
Might have been the fact that
I never go to parties. Or the
fact that two of the couple
were married in the first two
days when everything was in
hyper drive. I heard that Leslie
had been on CNN but I didn't
see her. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then <a href="http://www.jsonline.com/news/metro/feb04/211066.asp">this
sweetheart guy</a> interviewed
Ari and Leslie and put <a href="http://graphics.jsonline.com/graphics/news/img/feb04/waite022804.jpg">their
cute picture</a> in the article.
Could they be cuter? I do not
think so. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(862)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_862"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:18
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><a id="e562" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e562"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e562"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I put together <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/columnists/archives/001186.php">a column</a> for
BFB. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure it could be harder
for me to write than it is right
now. If can be harder,
I just don't want to know. Of
course I did have to stop and
clean my keyboard with a Q-tip
and isotropy alcohol. Oh yeah.
It had to be done. Not because
the keyboard was particularly
unclean but as long as I was
cleaning it I didn't have to
be writing. It's just so hard.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not always this hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I read two posts that wove together
for me. <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Mark</a>
linked to <a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/2004/02/kankei_relationship_or_connection.php">Jonathon's
reentry post</a>. It's a lovely
post full, of things to ponder.
One of which was the nature
of blogging and the quality
of relationship it creates.
And then there was <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018917.html">Dru</a>
linking to <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018917.html">a
post by Aaron</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are so many conversations swirling
around in all this but of course
this is my blog. Heh. And I'm
thinking about my request for
dialogue on fat politics. <a href="http://www.christineregina.com/foxy/archives/001333.html#001333">Glovefox</a>
had, in fact, written some musings
about her own process with weight
loss and the perspective her
experience
creates relative to size issues,
for her. She and I had some
conversation in her comments.
I think it went relatively well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few years ago I saw the film
<a href="http://www.stirfryseminars.com/pages/wo_men.htm">Last
Chance For Eden</a>. Lee Mun
Wah makes these films in which
he gathers a group of folks
together to discuss issues of
race and in this one sexism.
He films the discussion. I remember
one white woman who was frustrated
to the point of tears during
the race conversation because
she didn't want to be thought
of as racist. And then in the
sexism conversation she was
frustrated to the point of tears
because the men wouldn't cop
to their sexism. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
conversations are difficult
and hurtful. The really gross
things that are said about fat
people don't hurt me as much
as the little unconscious things
I hear and read by thin and
average sized people. Particularly
people on the left. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">Ms
Lauren</a> says (in comments) I can do a guest post
about fat politics. On the one hand that's incredibly
generous and kind and the other hand it's not exactly
gonna get it done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I was reading Ms Lauren and she's <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/000752.php">talking
about her photo</a> and she say something we often hear
about the photo maybe making her look fat. It's not
a horrible thing. I'm very fond of Ms. Lauren and her
blogging. And she has a right to not want to look fat.
And I don't think it's a big deal. But there was this
part of me that wanted to leave a comment about looking
fat being a good thing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
time <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0398/hornbacher/">Marya
Hornbacher </a>came into a room and asked me if the
jeans she was wearing made her look fat. Now, there's
so much to think about in that moment and she and I
talked about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
is so bad about looking fat? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
individual has the right to make choices about their
bodies. Every individual has the right to opinion and
preference. But we do bump into each other. We do hurt
each other. Things will be said. Things will go wrong.
Growth is a messy business. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
of this is coming up for me because of the discussion
on <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018881.html#comments">Dru's
blog</a> and <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018875.html">the
post</a> that brought it all on. And hearing the piece
<a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/03/03/health/main603825.shtml">on
the news</a> about fat women making less money and trying
so hard to make the distinction between personal experiences
of our bodies and a politic. A politic that talks about
how we as community are diminished as a whole when we
are diminished as individuals. And there's an interesting
funny double meaning in that notion when it comes to
fat people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about being in the doctors office when
I was a kid. My mom trying to figure out why I was fat.
We lived in Pittsburgh. Lots of hills. We walked everywhere.
we lived with her mom and dad and my grandmom did feed
me well. And mom baked. We didn't eat fast food. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was a kid who liked to read and day dream and
drift. I was never a kid who liked to play sports. But
I was also a preteen who loved to dance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
through it all I was fat. And there was my mother trying
to understand what was going wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not about how I feel about being fat. It's about fairness
in the market place and in health care and in representation
and in access. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
all write about the things that catch our attention.
And, as I said before, there's a lot going on. Of course
I'm going to be aware of constant reports on the nightly
news about obesity with the photos of fat people cut
off at the neck. Do you ever notice that? Fat bodies
as an icon for disgust and contempt but don't look at
the face because then you might have to deal with
their humanity. It just seems like every once in a while
some of the great thinkers we have in the blog world
who aren't fat might notice something once in awhile.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
for the record, I do know that there has been blogging
about fat politics on <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/">Alas,
a blog</a>. Barry self identified as fat but I think
Pink Dream Poppies is not fat. I'm not sure why I think
that. I'm not sure why I feel the need to mention it
excpet I've been thinkng about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(863)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_863"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 2:26
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">To write, even in obscurity is worthwhile. As Samuel Becket put it, writing
is a way of leaving "a stain upon the silence." <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16206">Tai
Moses </a> via <a href="http://michaelgates.blogspot.com/">Michael
Gates</a> via <a href="http://savoradin.com/">Tonio</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e563" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e563"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e563"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Sometimes I wish ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wish I was writing <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">about
Emily Dickinson.</a> Or writing <a href="http://www.lorianneschaub.com/blog">about
Susan Sontag and photography</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the teachers in my MFA program said that he didn't
write for a year after he graduated from his MFA program.
I was so smug. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I,
after all, have A BLOG. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2003.htm">December</a>
was hard and <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm">January</a>
was worse. <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm">February</a>
just went by in a blur. Here we are at the point of
the year when people pay quarterly taxes and I don't
even have an income. And writing feels like trying to
wake up from the deepest sleep. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are now two pieces of writing revving around in the
back of my head. One about the boxes my mom sends me,
full of the things she wants to get rid of and the box
of things I'll be getting from aunt as she sells of
her family home. The other is a piece about how notions
of health have become a mechanism for social control.
I can feel both pieces. Just at the tip of a synapse.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night, when I was trying to go to sleep, it seemed
like I could feel my brain pulsing. I had just read
a <a href="http://www.redpolka.org/blog/archives/001424.html">couple</a>
of <a href="http://www.redpolka.org/blog/archives/001423.html">posts</a>
and, with all the stuff going on here, my brain was
just throbbing. After twenty minutes of tossing about
I got up outta the bed and pulled <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0808562827&music=&buyable=1&assoc_id=">The
Bluest Eye</a> off the shelf. Marilyn bought me a box
set of six Toni Morrison novels for my birthday a few
years ago. I've been thinking I want to start at the
beginning and read them all. Rereading the ones I've
already read. Maybe now is the time. Sometimes reading
pulls me out of silence. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
that I've been silent. And not that I'm ever going to
quit writing about fat politics. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when I'm going through a change I find myself in the
middle of sentences thinking that I don't mean what
I'm saying. And I can feel new ideas, not quite formed,
trying to coalesce. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
blog is like the ledge I'm clinging to, praying that
I can find the words for one more day. I've read people's
good byes and been so happy when they come <a href="http://www.stonefishspine.com/">back.</a>
Come <a href="http://pagecount.burningbird.net/blog.html">back.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wrote about Emily when I was in college. Yes I did.
I read <a href="http://www.english.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/my-emily.html">My
Emily Dickinson</a> and <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0812966015&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">My
Wars Are Laid Away in Books</a> and <a href="http://plagiarist.com/poetry/?wid=1580">poems</a>
<a href="http://plagiarist.com/poetry/?wid=8490">poems</a>
<a href="http://plagiarist.com/poetry/?wid=7087">poems</a>
and I tried to <a href="http://www.plagiarist.com/poetry/?wid=1595">tell
the truth slant.</a> It wasn't that long ago. But it
was before my MFA program which, just for the moment,
I am blaming for my inability to finish, or start for
that matter, a sustained piece of writing. Instead I
tell my name to an admiring (I hope) <strike>blog</strike>
bog. Trying to leave my own <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16206">stain</a>
upon my own silence.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
spent the day cleaning. Jane is coming from Oregon for
a few days. I made the kale and red bean soup
with kale and red beans this time. I'm drinking a glass
of <a href="http://www.blackstone-winery.com/2.1.6_ca_merlot.html">wine</a>
which, since I haven't been drinking wine lately is
hitting me in much the same way the coffee did the other
day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Only
different. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a <a href="http://www.cassandrawilson.com/">Cassandra
Wilson</a> festival going and I'm going back to my book,
where all my wars are lay to rest. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I wish...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(864)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_864"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:41
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e564" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e564"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e564"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My apartment feels good. It
has that little bit of extra polish that you do when
company is coming. I've known Jane for more than half
my life. I doubt she'd judge me too harshly because
of a few dust bunnies. But it just seemed like the thing
to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up way too early. <a href="http://www.earthcalendar.net/_php/lunarphases.php">Full
moon</a> last night. Didn't sleep well. And I wanted
to be awake and showered and dressed when Jane got here.
She isn't due for a couple of hours and I'm all ready.
I ate some scrambled eggs and drank some tea. And did
the dishes. Maybe Jane will want to walk up into North
Beach and get some coffee and a muffin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finished <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0808562827&music=&buyable=1&assoc_id=">The
Bluest Eye</a> last night. I know I read this book years
ago but I didn't remember much of it. I don't think
I had the emotional maturity to read it then. Even now
there are parts of the book that I know I pulled away
from emotionally. It is a devastating book. She managed
to write a scene of rape and incest in such a way
that I felt overwhelming compassion for the father and
the daughter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
edition of the book that I'm reading has an afterward
by Ms Morrison in which she talks about why she wrote
it in the way she wrote it. She didn't think the book
was entirely successful. She says that, "Holding
the despising glance while sabotaging it was difficult."
And that, for me, is the experience of the book.
Having to hold the complexity of why people are who
they are and how they sometimes pass misery from generation
to generation. But, most specifically, how the institution
of racism shapes self image. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the book is about the poisonous qualities our ideas
of beauty hold. The ways in which they drive us to madness.
This is a book I can imagine needing to read again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to jump right into <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0375415351&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Sula,</a>
which I also read and also can't remember. Sometimes
I think I was sleepwalking for the first ten years of
my adult life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(865)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_865"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:30
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e565" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e565"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e565"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Jane and I went <a href="http://www.mooses.com/">to
lunch</a>, sat in <a href="http://www.mesart.com/artwork.jsp.que.artwork.eq.865.shtml">the
park</a> for awhile and then she went to spend
some time with another friend and I came home to bake
a cake. Her birthday was in February and Alexandra's
birthday is today. We're going to meet her at the <a href="http://www.sfflmart.com/faq_frameset.html">Flower
Mart</a>, and then go for lunch and then come back here
for cake and ice cream. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had trouble getting the cake out of the pan. One layer
split in half. I managed to get it put together but
it looks like it's been dropped on the floor. Plus,
I suck at icing. I make lumpy icing. I made some icing
for some cookies during the big Christmas bake and it
was lumpy. I think the problem is that I believe I can
hand whisk the powdered sugar in and I always end up
needing to use an electric mixer. But by the time I
get there some of the powdered sugar has formed into
lumps. Maybe I should sift the sugar but I don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
the cake lacks in beauty it will make up for in flavor.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://missindependent.rediffblogs.com/">Mehak'</a>s
comment in my last post has already brought reaction.
I thought I'd answer her question in this post.
I wasn't sure where to answer it on her blog. I use
the word fat because I am fat. It's just that simple.
I am aware that there are people in the world who think
I should be ashamed of being fat but I'm not. I am aware
that there are people in the world who think I'm ugly
because I'm fat. I don't. I am aware that there are
people in the world who think I am lazy and gluttonous
because I am fat. I am not. I am simply fat. There are
other ways to describe my body. Words that people imagine
to be polite. But, <a href="http://www.fatso.com/man7.html">as
Marilyn says,</a> I find those words imprecise. And
maybe because people are so offended by a word that
is simply descriptive of something that I am, I use
the word. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I'm off to spend <a href="http://www.un.org/cyberschoolbus/womensday/index.asp">International
Women's day</a> with one of my oldest friends and one
of my newer friends, both wonderful women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(866)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_866"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:14
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e566" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e566"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e566"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The birthday cake was a hit.
No one is ever as critical of my cooking as I am. I'm
not really that critical of my cooking. Baking
is different. I don't know as much as I would need to
know to adjust for things that go wrong. Given that
the cake I made spit into more than a few pieces coming
out of the pan I think it looked pretty good. And chocolate
is chocolate after all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was a beautiful day. Being around flowers is always
nice. We had a <a href="http://www.ilfornaio.com/">nice
lunch.</a> Pretty mellow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jane
doesn't listen to the news. And while I might have some
judgements about not being informed I must say
that when I asked Jane what she thought about Janet
Jackson she didn't know what I was talking about. I
love that. I love that she didn't spend one minute of
her life thinking about it. Until she came here. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Of
course, for me, not being informed might mean that you
wake up one morning in a country where censorship is
the law of the land. But being informed means having
to hold notions of complexity and sometimes find yourself
defending the rights <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F50B11FB38580C758EDDAB0894DC404482">of
people</a> you personally find contemptible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just heard the news that <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/09/arts/09GRAY.html?8hpib">Spalding
was found.</a> And despite the fact that it seemed inevitable
that he would be found, I hoped that he might popup
somewhere. Maybe working as a dishwasher and writing
a book. Finding a way to reinvent himself.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. Indeed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(867)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_867"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:46
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e567" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e567"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e567"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Jane did a bit of running
around by herself. Which was good because she likes
Macy's and The Gap and that isn't my thing. Then we
had <a href="http://www.zaonoodle.com/">some dinner</a>
and came home for more cake. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Someone
read <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>
and pointed out that one chapter ended with me in California
and a few paragraphs into the next chapter I'm in Colorado.
That might not always be a problem but it was an easy
fix. So I actually spent some time writing yesterday.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Rewriting
is my favorite part of writing. I tend to write in a
gush and the go back and rearrange and plump and trim
and fuss. I really like it. On one hand, finding a gaff
like that in a book I've been calling done is a worry.
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever finish this book. If
I look at for more than a minute I start picking at
it. On the other hand, it was an easy fix. And after
two years of resisting my workshop's demand for more
scenes and more dialogue (two things I never intended
to write) (ever) I find that there is a scene, complete
with dialogue forming in a part of my brain. Maybe later
I'll go back and write it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was a good feeling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">Yoga</a>
was moved to Wednesday so I'll be going to class right
about the time Jane leaves for the airport. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(868)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_868"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:15
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e568" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e568"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e568"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I left for yoga yesterday.
Walked out into a sunny day. Felt like my posture was
good and my knees were stronger. The bus came in a relatively
short time. I rode to the next bus, which also came
in good time. I needed to get on a third bus because
I wasn't sure where on Valencia the new place was. The
Valencia bus was sitting there at the stop. I waited.
And waited. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Twenty
minutes later the only way to get to class on time was
to get in a cab. But I was in a terrible part of town
for a cab. I finally got one and ended up traveling
in an arc that took forever and cost twelve bucks. Downtown
SF is a maze of no left turns and red lights. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got to class late and whatever good mood I'd been in
as I left the apartment was now frayed. Sally got me
a chair but I didn't get that time to shake off the
street that I like to have. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sally
was doing this wonderful thing. She was telling people
to notice what was working and not what wasn't. She
reiterated that theme over and over through each posture.
I knew that was the way to go but the balance had shifted
inside me. The frustration of waiting for a bus that
never moves. The lack of information about why. Trying
to get a cab. Being in the cab going in all the wrong
directions because that city is just a maze. Spending
money I don't have on cab fare. I just couldn't quite
let it all go. Sally kept talking about finding the
place where there is no effort. I don't have a place
where there is no effort. Instead my mind was full of
need. I need more money. I need more health care. I
need a massage. I need help to feel better.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
took a bus to the trolley. <a href="http://www.streetcar.org/">The
trolley</a> can be a nice ride. Long. And slow. I had
a book. It can be a nice slow ride with a good
book. It can also be a ride filled with tourists. Packed.
Noisy. Hot. Long. Slow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
market street two women got on, both in wheel chairs,
both fat. They were jovial. Chatting with other passengers.
Engaged. Engaging. At the end of the ride two older
women got on and sat a few seats behind me. One turned
to the other and in the most venomous tone commented
on the size of the two women in the wheel chairs. Absolute
contempt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I finished <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/sula.htm">Sula.</a>
I think I know why I have such a hard time remembering
these books. I read them when I was young and wanted
right to be right and wrong to be wrong. Toni Morrison
does not allow for that kind of simplistic thinking.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Everything
in this book, much like The Bluest Eye, is about relationship.
Relationships between women, between women and men,
between adult and child. Individual relationships. Relationships
to the community. Relationships and history. And poverty.
And racism. And sexism. And hunger. Sula isn't really
the center of the book. She is just one person in a
portrait of a town. But she is a vortex. An explanation,
of sorts.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
put the book down and thought about Sally's efforts
to get us to focus on what was working. It's certainly
better than the alternative. But then again, when you
are in <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/496_1.cfm">a
pose</a>, (although my foot is on the arch of the other foot
and not up on my thigh) and your hip is hurting, it
is difficult not to notice the pain. In fact it's stupid
not to notice the pain. It's stupid to try and maintain
a pose that you can't maintain. You drop the pose. And
then try again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so at the end of the day I was awash in emotions, Good.
And bad. And I had a dream in which the screen
door was broken in my childhood home. And someone was
going to help me fix it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(869)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_869"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:43
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e569" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e569"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e569"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.msmagazine.com/Editor_Martha.htm">MS
has an open letter in support of Martha Stewart.</a>
Maybe it's because I'm reading all the Toni Morrison
but I feel support for people. People who I normally
don't care much about. Reading people in the context
of history and with an eye for the social constructs
in which they live makes it hard to hold anyone in a
one dimensional perspective. It's hard for me to worry
about Martha. But I agree with the MS letter. I agree
with <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000310.html#000310">Maria's
astute essay on Martha</a>. I agree with my mom who
is very upset about Martha. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was working in restaurants in the east people who
worked with Martha called her Martha dearest. I've always
had an appreciation for the detailed way in which she
documents things about food and gardening. But I'm
here to tell you that it's easier to have a little farm
in the country and a place in the city and make everything
from scratch if you have a staff. I own books and magazines
by Martha. I own them because there was good information
in them. And I do think she is being hung on some kind
of loopy corporate apologist cross. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it's not just Martha. I<a href="http://www.commondreams.org/views04/0311-08.htm">'m
not happy about what happened to Howard.</a> I thought
about that yesterday when I turned on the television
to try and find some news <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/12/international/europe/12TERR.html?hp">about
Spain.</a> There wasn't any. There was lots of talk
about nothing. It may seem odd to think about Howard
in that context but it's about media consolidation and
no news news and the dumbing down of us all. And, like
I said, I'm reading Morrison and thinking about difficult
people.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I did some laundry. I sat in the little garden behind
my building <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/solomon.htm">reading</a>
while the machines hummed from the laundry room. I was
still feeling a little bit cranky about the getting
to and from yoga saga. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still cranky. I had bad dreams last night. I can't even
remember them but they were scary and I didn't sleep
well. I woke up at 6:30 and I didn't even want to try
to go back to sleep. But it's OK. I have things I need
to do today so I'm glad I'm awake early. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
while back a friend of mine sent me a chain letter.
Normally I toss them in the trash but this one was a
kitchen towel swap. You have to send a kitchen towel
to someone and then send the letter to six more people.
And, if it works, you get 36 kitchen towels. There was
something about getting kitchen towels in the mail.
It just made me happy. I even bought the towel to send
to the person on my letter but I never got it done because
I can't quite face sending it to six people. If you
want to participate in the kitchen towel chain letter
let me know. Think about it. Kitchen towels in your
mail box. Wouldn't that be fun? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I should send one to Martha.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(870)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_870"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:56
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e570" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e570"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e570"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I have a bad case of what's
the use goin on today. And it seems wrong headed because
I watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=3257&movieid=60020770">Bread
and Roses</a> on <a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/index">IFC</a>
yesterday. It's a nice movie. People working for their
own liberation. There are victories. And there are prices
to pay. I just got stuck on the unfairness of it all.
And that seems wrong headed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
whadaya gonna do?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the hardest things for me to deal with is feeling
misunderstood. And that's really not a good thing for
a writer. Because no matter how well you write something
you may be misunderstood. it's just the way it is. Most
of the time I have a rapid compartmentalization process.
Process. Process. Process. But today I'm feeling slow.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(871)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_871"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:34
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e571" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e571"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e571"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
People, when they are making
a disparaging remark about someone's cooking, will sometimes
say that the person can't boil an egg. Well, I know
I can cook. But I sometimes worry about boiling eggs.
I do. It's something that I don't do very often. And
I always think there's some number thing. Like bring
to a boil and take off heat for ah-zoo-wah number of
minutes. My instincts are good and it usually works
out but I do actually worry the whole thing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I wanted egg salad. That only happens about once a year.
Or less. But I made some with lots of celery and red
onion and a bit of curry powder. It was good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was buried in <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/solomon.htm">my
book</a> most of the day. And I picked up <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/tarbaby.htm">the
next book</a> as soon I finished. I used to this when
I was in high school. I'd find a writer and read everything
by them I could find. It's instructive in terms of voice.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I'm still having the experience of remembering my own
life when I read the books the first time. Although
I hadn't read Song of Solomon. I think I might have
read the first few pages once but never the whole book.
And it is such a great book. Tar Baby is the first book
I haven't been overwhelmed by. And that's because of
the amount of dialogue. I just don't love reading dialogue.
Ironically I was sure I hadn't read it before and as
soon as I began to rea I realized I had. <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/beloved.htm">Beloved</a>
is next. And I have read that book twice. But I might
go for it again. Just coz I'm doin a thang, doncha know.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Egg
salad and reading. Yep. It's swinging around here. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(872)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_872"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 3:31
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e572" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e572"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e572"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Blogging is really wonderful.
Because I listen to a lot of alternative radio
I get a fair among of the news I can't get on television.
It's always bugged me that you have to work so hard
to find things out. I was frustrated trying to find
news about Spain the other day. Marie linked to <a href="http://mulubinba.typepad.com/mulubinba_moments/">this
blog</a> which links to <a href="http://www.puertadelsolblog.com/">this
blog</a>. Suddenly I feel like I can breathe. We really
can be in touch with one another and hear the story
from beating hearts and open minds. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't feel good. Not sure why. I'm just feeling yucky.
So thoughts aren't forming. I'm drifting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(873)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_873"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:44
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e573" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e573"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e573"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
l've been meaning to link
<a href="http://www.cobaltika-studio.com/reconstructed-mind/">Bobbie's</a>
on line <a href="http://www.cobaltika-gallery.com/">gallery.</a>
<a href="http://lovesinsects.blogspot.com/">Artichoke
Heart </a>has a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0809325691/qid=1079412989/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/002-7628575-1600862?v=glance&s=books">new
book</a> out. I think <a href="http://jadedju.com/">Jill</a>
needs to put up some kind of
<a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000771.html">store</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
yeah. And I need a job.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=20371374&srchTrk=10110000037000d000c0000.20371374.15553&mqso=60177680&OVRAW=antonia's%20line&OVKEY=antonias%20line&OVMTC=standard">Antonia's
Line</a> last night. Left me
with a deep smile.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
you know about the <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001191.php">opera
singer</a> who was fired because
she was too fat? How many kinds
of <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/03/15/DDG0V5JIHV1.DTL">wrong</a>
is that? Doesn't make you wanna
<a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/campaigns/?issue_id=11">shout
at someone</a>?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(874)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_874"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:53
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e574" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e574"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e574"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
lt was noisy this morning.
Some big boat was coming in to dock at about 5:00 AM,
blowing a deep pitched tone that rattled the windows.
And some smaller boat was blowing a higher less rattling
tone. They did this call and response at intervals that
pulled me out of the deep sleep zone, let me fall back
in and then pulled me back out again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
some hammering. From I just don't know where. Then the
dove that often wakes me with its persistent morning
coo. And the trash guys. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
a result I slept about a half an hour longer than I
usually do. Rolling from one side to the other diving
back for that thread of dream stuff, always looking
for clues.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/index.htm">Sally</a>
had me demonstrate a <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/495_1.cfm">yoga
pose</a> yesterday. I resisted the idea at first. It
is true that after only a month of going to class and
doing my much speedier version at home I feel stronger.
But I didn't do much yoga last week. I was wrestling
with a bad mood. (The bad mood won. ) (Mostly.) And
I felt terrible on the way to class. My back hurt. My
knees hurt. I did not feel like someone who ought to
be demonstrating nuthin to no one. Mind you, there were
only three of us in class. One new woman and one woman
who has been taking class longer than I have. I made
a furtive attempt to pass the demonstration to her.
She declined. At a certain point you just feel like
a duff if you don't do it. And, really, this is one
of Sally's coolest things. She could demonstrate the
pose herself but she wants the pose to look the way
it looks on a fat body. And so I and my fifty year old
fat body did the warrior pose. And she said I did a
wonderful job. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
noticed that I never do the side stretches when I'm
at home. I don't know why I forget them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Before
I left for class I heard an interview <a href="http://kpfa.org/archives/archives.php?id=24">on
KPFA</a> with a guy who wrote <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0375433325&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">a
book on hope and illness</a>. He talked about people
with knee issues. After class I felt like my knees were
stronger. I really need to win the battle with the bad
mood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
class I stood that the bus stop for forty minutes waiting
for the bus. The battle rages on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(875)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_875"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:26
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e575" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e575"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e575"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
l was watching an <a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/index">IFC</a>
documentary <a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/what?CAT0=45&CAT1=5288&MO=03&DA=03&YR=2004&CLR=blue&TZ=ET&TB=4">on
women film makers</a>. Pretty
cool. The women talked about
things like the importance of
seeing representations of themselves.
I thought about not seeing fat
women in film. Not in any serious
way. Not often enough. There
was a comment that one film
maker made and many of the women
reiterated about how women think
they are fat, or ugly but they
aren't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it certainly is true. The images
of beauty and size in most movies
and media are so distorted that
we are living in a toxic environment. It becomes
really hard for women to think
of themselves as beautiful when
they don't measure up. Or down.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was reminded of a recent <a href="http://observer.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,6903,511730,00.html">article
by Susie Orbach.</a> In which
she talks about the way thin
girls come to believe they are
fat. It's an interesting article.
It's sort of typically Orbach.
I remember reading <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp;jsessionid=68CE2C4AA87D44D3C5FE7F3FFAC115CE.t1?s=showproduct&isbn=0883659875">Fat
is a Feminist Issue,</a> back in the day. The political
analysis of women and their bodies was right on. Thrilling
really. But there was the idea that if you were liberated
you would be thin. It would just happen as a result
of your process. I spent so many years chasing a belief
in a clarity that would cause my weight to disappear.
I spent years trying to disappear. Encouraged to do
so by a feminist analysis of being fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When I read the article
and when I saw the documentary
I found myself thinking about
those of us who are fat. Or
ugly. What about us? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Clearly
size and beauty are in the eye
of the beholder. In some ways.
But I don't know. It's hard
for me to talk about ugly because
my sense of beauty is ... oh
I don't know. I often find people
beautiful. People who aren't
thought of as beautiful. And when
it comes to size my ideas might
be a bit odd as well. Sometimes
I'm told someone is fat and
I'm dumb struck. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am fat. And what about me?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's a way
in which these women are talking
about the narrow band of what
is beautiful and they're speaking
against it. But their ideas
are articulated in a way that
further marginalizes some women.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was one movie, <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60028689&srchTrk=10110000047000b00070000.60028689.86508&mqso=60177680&OVRAW=dog%20fight%20movie&OVKEY=dogfight%20movie&OVMTC=standard">Dog
Fight.</a> I haven't seen it.
Lili Taylor and the film maker
were talking about her character.
The character is supposed to
be fat and ugly. They both talked
about how they felt fat and
ugly so it seemed valid for
Lili to play the part, despite
the fact that Lili is neither
fat, nor ugly. I'm crazy about
Lili Taylor but come on. Are
there no fat and ugly actors?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103251/">White
Place</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101912/">Frankie
and Johnny</a> were both films
in which the woman was supposed
to be fat and ugly. We get Susan
and Michelle. I love them. They're
great. And they are not fat.
Or ugly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a love of beauty. I bought
four dollars worth of daffodils
and yellow tulips because I
need to look at them. They are
a riot of yellow and form. When it comes to people beauty
is a shape shifter. And I want to see movies with faces
and bodies like mine.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(876)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_876"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:58
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e576" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e576"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e576"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Today is full of import.
It's spring. There are people <a href="http://www.internationalanswer.org/campaigns/resources/index.html">gathering
to call for an end to war</a>. And it's my blog birthday.
I've been doing this for <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March.htm">three
years.</a> Which, I must say, seems odd. I didn't know
what I was doing when I began. I still don't. I didn't
even call it blogging. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
<a href="http://www.blogtree.com/blogtree.php?blogid=4348">blog
parents</a> didn't call it blogging. <a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>
has a <a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/mar04/mar17.shtml">journal
page</a> and a <a href="http://www.willa.com/weblog/">web
log</a>. <a href="http://www.links.net/">Justin</a>
didn't call it blogging when I saw him talking about
it on MSNBC. That was back when MSNBC was almost cool.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
cling stubbornly to my <a href="http://www.namo.com/products/webeditor/">web
editing software.</a> Well. It's more about fear than
stubbornness. I have hosting issues I would need to
resolve before I could use <a href="http://www.movabletype.org/">MT</a>.
My cash flow problems keep my paralyzed. About once
a year I try to advance my skills. I really like doing
the design. I'm just not proficient. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
little while ago I added a few things to the page. From
<a href="http://www.bloghop.com/">Bloghop</a> I have
learned that 9 people love me. 6 people hate me and
three people each think I'm good, OK or I suck. That
seems balanced. In a way. I'm a slithering reptile in
the <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php">ecosystem.</a>
Kinda yucky. I'm a three on <a href="http://portal.eatonweb.com/">Eatonweb</a>.
I'm sort of average I guess. I let myself get worked
up about all this from time to time. And then I tell
myself to back away from the screen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first began I felt like I was putting a letter in
a bottle and hurling it out to sea. The metaphor still
holds for me. But I have found many other bottles washed
up on my shore, opened every note with trembling hands
and delighted in the message. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think a lot of things about blogging. I can go on and
on and not say much. At the end of it all I mostly feel
gratitude. I'm grateful that anyone takes the time to
read me. I'm grateful for the time people spend writing
their own blog. I'm grateful for the friends I've made.
I'm grateful for the things I've learned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I end this post feeling the same thing I felt when I
began my first post. It's a feeling of bemused wonder.
Lot's of hand wringing. Some teeth gnashing. And then
I click on publish. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(877)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_877"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:06
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e577" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e577"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e577"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Uh Oh. It's the morning
of the first day of my forth year of blogging and I'm
sitting here staring at the screen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I'd turned off the computer and gone to bed with
<a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/jazz.htm">my
book</a>. And then I got out of bed to turn the computer
back on and see if <a href="http://www.booktv.org/publiclives/index.asp?segid=4425&schedID=257">Karen
Armstrong</a> was going to be on Book TV again. Someone
called me when she was on today and I wanted to see
her. She's on again tonight. I'm not answering the phone
this time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
turned on the TV while the computer was powering up
and got some news about <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/03/21/MNG215OU4F1.DTL">the
demos</a> all over the world. I sat there with the light
from the two screens burning my already tired eyes and
thought about what, if anything, I had to say about
it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
blame Toni Morrison for my lack of language today. I'm
in a deep muse about complexity. I can't parse it enough
to write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think I'm on a verge. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(878)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_878"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:53
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e578" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e578"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e578"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mehak
feels she has <a href="http://missindependent.rediffblogs.com/2004_14_03_missindependent_archive.html#1079579418">gotten
nasty comments</a> in response to the comments
she left on my blog. And I think she's right. I don't
think anyone was trying to be nasty. And I don't think
Mehak was trying to be nasty when she asked why I use
the word fat. I think we have a gap of understanding
between us and I'm not sure how to cross it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mehak
writes in a kind of short hand. It's not hard to figure
out that r u means are you. I play with spelling myself.
I think she's writing in a common short hand used in
chat rooms and on blogs. But I don't always understand
it. And I think some of the people who responded to
her in my comment boxes were confused and put off by
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the word fat and my use of it. I think
Mehak is really saying that she doesn't want me to feel
bad and that being fat, or being thought of as fat,
might make me feel bad. And why shouldn't she think
that? I hear fat used as an expletive. Some of my best
friends, people who I know love me, people who listen
to me harangue about fat politics, can't bring themselves
to use the word fat. It's a word that holds much pain.
And that's exactly why I use it. I'm taking it back.
I'm saying that is simply descriptive.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
today I'm thinking about how to have a conversation
with someone who is reading my blog and leaving comments
and seems very sweet in many ways. Mehak's blog chalk
says that she is between 21 and 25. She lives in India.
I think it's amazing that we have found each other.
But that's the coolness of blogging. When I was in India
they called me motomal. I know how to say fat in many
languages. I heard it shouted at me in the street. I
heard it from the mouth of my <a href="http://www.babaji.net/">beloved
guru</a>. I know how a word can feel like hate. I know
how the same word can feel like love. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
Deb and I got some cappuccinos and went to <a href="http://www.parks.sfgov.org/site/recpark_index.asp?id=18158">the
marina,</a> where we sat in her truck and listened to
<a href="http://www.cityarts.net/n.west.html">Cornell
West</a> on <a href="http://www.kqed.org/programs/program-landing.jsp?progID=RD13">the
radio.</a> We are both pretty enamored with <a href="http://www.cornelwest.com/">Professor
West</a>. He uses language so beautifully. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought about that later when I was home and heard <a href="http://www.booktv.org/PublicLives/index.asp?segID=4452&schedID=257">Jason
Blair</a> talking about his book. He seems contrite.
But he doesn't use language beautifully. He seems to
say what ought to be said. And he seems to know what
ought to be said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
it's the way I'm listening. I listen to Cornell West
with a wide open heart. I listen to Jason Blair with
one eyebrow arched. And a small voice in the back of
my own head reminds me that I need to balance both extremes.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.booktv.org/publiclives/index.asp?segid=4425&schedID=257">Karen
Armstrong</a> was quite wonderful. I was interested
in how she navigated her own spiritual dark night. I
feel like I might still be in mine. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
all that literary nourishment I watched <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/alias/index.html">Alias</a>
and <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/thepractice/index.html">The
Practice.</a> Both shows have deteriorated. As much
as I love James Spader I think his character too dominate.
And there are more guest stars than plot lines with
the three extremely engaging characters still there
from the earlier show. I always want more Camryn.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it was a day full of thinking about ethics and language
and what makes something, or someone, compelling. And
then I read the post from Mehak and wondered about the
ethics of a comment box, the problems of syntax and
the need to connect. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have no answers. I do have <a href="http://www.mindspring.com/~cjalverson/because.htm">a
poem,</a> suggested by Karen Armstrong, in which I am
finding solace. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(879)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_879"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:50
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e579" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e579"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e579"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/82603/3/2911009">Kara</a>
gave me a <a href="http://www.fantes.com/marcato_raviolissima.htm">ravioli
attachment</a> for my <a href="http://www.fantes.com/images/Atlas.jpg">Atlas</a>.
I mean YEARS ago. More than
eight. I've never used it. Until
yesterday. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had some fresh peas and mushrooms.
I made the filling with ricotta,
asiago, the sauteed mushroom
and peas and a little shallot.
It's a long process. And there
is a learning curve. Like how
much filling to use and how
thin to make the pasta sheets.
But I did succeed in making
five ravioli. I was going to
make a sauce with cherry tomatoes
and roasted garlic but I was
tired and hungry and anxious
so I ate them with a bit of
butter. They were really, really
good. After I'd eaten I went
back and made more and I still
have filling so I'll be making
more today. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to have an idea to make
ravioli with a fill that was
like samosa filling. Potato,
carrot, peas. Maybe
the dough could be spelt. Curry
cream sauce? It's something
to play around with. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
<a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#107997101700803064">reading
Elayne</a> I added an XML thing
with the help of <a href="http://www.wcc.vccs.edu/services/rssify/rssify.php">these
fine folks</a>. And I signed
up for <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/sub/http://fatshadow.com">Bloglines</a>
and <a href="http://www.blogstreet.com/bin/profile.cgi?url=fatshadow.com">Blogstreet.</a>
I think I'm doing something
wrong. I need to spend some
time with them. I don't quite
get it all. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
pride myself on not being susceptible to commercials.
I view them with a critical eye when I view them at
all. Usually I hit mute while they're on. But I live
<a href="http://www.dyson.com/story/default.asp">the
guy</a> who came up with <a href="http://www.dyson.com/">these
vacuum cleaners</a>. I swear. I love him. I want one
so bad. There's a <a href="http://www.dyson.com/house/default.asp">little
animation </a>on the site where you can make the
guy vacuum. OOOOOOO</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there's <a href="http://www.oxiclean.com/">Oxiclean.</a>
I don't like the guy who does those commercials. He
shouts. But I was taken in by the idea of cleaning set
in stains. I have so may shirts with set in stains.
I got some and tried it out yesterday on a white shirt
covered with old tomato sauce stains. It works!!</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Really.
I may have got quite batty. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(880)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_880"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:54
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">My adult life has been until now a succession of expectations and
misperceptions. I dealt only
with an idea I had of the world, not with the world as it is. But reality does
intervene, eventually. - Joan Didion</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e580" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e580"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e580"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://yourcallradio.org/laura/laura.html">Laura
Flanders</a> was at <a href="http://www.bookstore.com/">Clean
Well Lighted</a> talking about
her <a href="http://yourcallradio.org/laura/pages/books.html">new
book</a>. Deb and I went.
We went early so we could get
a seat. Really early. The worst
thing in the world for me is
sitting in a book store and
not being able to buy a book.
Maybe not the worst but really
in the top ten. But I have no
money. I did buy an old issue
of <a href="http://www.believermag.com/">The
Believer</a> which I've been
trying not to look at because
I don't need another magazine
or journal that I have to have.
But Deb bought it and there
was <a href="http://www.believermag.com/issues/october_2003/john_dagata.htm">this
article.</a> I guess if I'd
known it was on line I might
not have bought it. But I was
feeling so sorry for myself.
Sitting there. All those books.
No money. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
article talks about <a href="http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1395594">the
dust up over Vivian Gornick's admission</a> that <a href="http://www.salon.com/books/feature/archives/2003/08/01/gornick/index_np.html">not
everything in <i>Fierce
Attachments</i></a></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.salon.com/books/feature/archives/2003/08/01/gornick/index_np.html">
is true</a>. Gornick is one of my favorite writers and
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0807071234-5"><i>Fierce
Attachments</i></a></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
is one of my favorite books. And it doesn't bother me
a bit that every detail isn't true. Because what is
true is the intent. It's part of the psychological process
of memory that we attach meaning to events. That meaning
is entirely subjective and representational. The narrative
may be oblique. When you're writing it out you cut and
paste and maybe add some frills. </span></span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Everything
in my <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">wanna
be book</a> is true but I'm also clear that it's true
to my memory. And my meaning making. I made up the names
of a few childhood friends because I couldn't remember
them. I mushed together the events of a few summer vacations.
And I might be wrong about what and how I remember.
So? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
article goes on to talk about <a href="http://www.salon.com/oct96/interview961028.html">Joan
Didion's</a> books being meditations. I hadn't thought
about them quite that way but it's true. <i><a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0679433325-0">Where
I Was From</a></i></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
is masterful in that way. I remember when I finished
reading it all I could think was that it drew conclusions
that seemed obvious and yet I couldn't quite articulate
them. </span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
like to say my book is a meditation. I made an effort
to resist drawing conclusions. But I live with pre drawn conclusions,
in a way.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Flanders
was engaging. I'd like to read her book. I'm sure it's
factual. But it's serving a different purpose. Memoir
is in service to some need to reflect on life. It's
not really autobiography. It has elements of autobiography.
But there's a struggle for meaning in the writing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lucy
Grealy said that <i><a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-006097673x-5">Autobiography
of a Face</a> </i>wasn't
all fact. And she was irritated that anyone would have
a problem with that. She said, " I'm a writer."
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that may, or may not, explain it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(881)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_881"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:42
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e581" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e581"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e581"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a>
is back to the business of being the <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=4638">president
of the board</a>. I wanted him to be the mayor but I
think there are ways in which he can get more done in
his current role. Last night there was a new episode
of his show. I can't find a site for it. His site doesn't
mention it. He had <a href="http://www.votecamejo.org/">Peter
Camejo</a> on talking about third party politics, representational
democracy and Nader. And he talked to <a href="http://www.citylights.com/CLlf.html">Ferlinghetti</a>
about <a href="http://www.georgekrevskygallery.com/artists/ferlinghetti/">painting.</a>
Nice mix. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Third
party politics is like balm to my terrified political
soul. I am still a registered Democrat but I have already
written the letter of resignation from the party. I'm
staying in long enough to vote for <a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/">Dennis</a>
and then I'm out. I still haven't decided whether to
register Green or independent and I'm not sure I can
articulate why.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no doubt that third parties agitate. In the conversation
between Matt and Camejo (and there was a third man whose
name I can't remember) they mentioned how you hear the
Democrats complain about Nader but you don't hear them
complain about Ross Perot. Hmmmm. In this upcoming election
the fear will determine my vote but I'd like to be more
involved in a party. And the Dems don't get it done.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
offended by the way the Democrats complain about and
undermine third party politics. Watching the trail of
Democratic superstars parade into SF during Matt's election
was just so infuriating. And now it would seem <a href="http://terrybaum.com/">Terry
Baum'</a>s <a href="http://www.sfexaminer.com/article/index.cfm/i/032204n_baum">write
in</a> vote success <a href="http://www.sfgreenparty.org/news/newsitem-start.gem?idx=1071">is
threatened</a>. There was a press conference at City
Hall a while ago. Democracy anyone? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
understand being afraid of the death grip of the extreme
right wing. I don't understand ignoring the will of
voters who aren't satisfied with mediocrity of the Democratic
party. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(882)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_882"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:49
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e582" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e582"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e582"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
<a href="http://quizilla.com/users/jsimner/quizzes/How%20Old%20is%20Your%20Inner%20Child%3F/">inner
child is 45</a>. Which is only five years younger than
I am. I think I took this test before. And I think I
got the same thing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure how I should feel about this.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/">Rana's
inner child is ten.</a> And I think she plays
well with others. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(883)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_883"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:54
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e583" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e583"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e583"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. It's Friday. And I have no cat.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
knitting project. And my attempts at crochet are too
tight. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
digital camera. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am in a pretty good mood. And I don't know why. Every
morning this week I've woken up with negative first
thoughts. And then I chide myself for the negative thoughts.
And the morning is off with a stumble. Today I woke
up thoughtless. Got out of bed, turned on the radio
and the computer. At some point I noticed that I was
feeling pretty good. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
has been the longest period of regret and frustration
that I've ever experienced. And nothing has changed.
I still don't have a job, an agent or a publisher. I
still feel narcoleptic and uninspired. But lately I've
been listening to my inner blah blah blah with a jaundiced
ear. I've heard it all before. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a good time at yoga this week but I was in pain.
My knees were really bad on Wednesday. At some point
I had the thought that I usually only hurt that bad
when it was raining. Or about to rain. But it wasn't
raining. It wasn't until the middle of the day yesterday
as the rain was splatting against my window that I realized
that it was ... raining. And my knees do feel better
today. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Something
about that moment when I realized that there might be
a reason. I dunno. It was comforting. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
boring and thoughtless and catless and projectless and
imageless. But I'm eating bread that has pistachios
and figs in it. And yogurt. And coffee. And I feel good.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(884)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_884"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:03
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e584" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e584"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e584"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I went to bed last night I had a list of things I was
going to do when I woke up. But I woke up having a dream
in which I was going to picket a video store owned by
<a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/alias/profiles/cia_bristowj.html">Jack
Bristo</a>. I don't know why. I kept drifting back into
sleep trying to find out. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Finally
I got up and ate some honey bran muffins that I made
yesterday. And some yogurt. And some drank some <a href="http://www.numitea.com/version2/templeHeaven.htm">tea.</a>
Read some blogs. Listened to some <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/wesat/">radio</a>.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then, just when I was going to take a shower, Suzanne
called to tell me that they're playing old episodes
of old <a href="http://www.aquaphone.com/">West Coast
Live</a> with Spalding Gray.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I made some coffee and I'm listening to him and I'm
just sad and mad and charmed and frustrated. He talks
about playing with his kids and feeling happy. But happy
isn't always enough. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't get around to rolling out the rest of the ravioli
until yesterday. The filling was well served by sitting
in the refrigerator for a few days. All the flavors
had married. I had just a small amount of filling left
and no more dough. I made some risotto and added the
filling to it. Very good.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have things I need to do. Spalding is done talking.
I'm feeling desperate for the things that hold me to
the earth. A shower. Some yoga. Some cleaning. But <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/">Wait
Wait</a> is on now and I'm still trying to write my
morning post. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ideas
going into my ears and into my eyes and coming out through
my fingers. It's good. I like it. But I need to feel
the water on my skin. And I need to feel my feet on
the ground in warrior pose. And I need to do the list
of things I went to bed imagining myself doing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.lyrics.net.ua/song/112829">It
seems we all live so close to that line. And so far
from satisfaction. </span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(885)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_885"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:35
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e585" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e585"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e585"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finished <a href="http://www.luminarium.org/contemporary/tonimorrison/paradise.htm">Paradise</a>.
And I'm going to need to read it again. I think I've
felt this way after all the books. She has so many subtle
details. Things that are suggestive. Hints. Clues. You
gotta pay attention. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did find Paradise character heavy. I just couldn't keep
up. It's me. It's my tired dyslexic struggle with words
on a page and my drifting attention span. But I could
not keep up. So I have to go back and reread it. But
I was anxious to get to <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-0375409440-0">Love.</a>
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not that I didn't enjoy Paradise. I really did. She
just writes so beautifully. There is a sentence in the
latter part of the book. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i>She
entered the vice like a censored poet whose suspect
lexicon was too supple, too shocking to publish.</span></i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
My. A sentence like that stops me. I have to read it
again and again. I have to call people and read it to
them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I arrived at the end of the book with a desire to understand
who was who and right at that moment she lays another
set of relationships on me. Sheesh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got some of my list of things done. Today is starting
off a lot like yesterday. I got a call from <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari</a>
called. She's gotten me hooked on <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">Starting
Over.</a> The first time I watched I hated it
And I still have issues. But she and I can deconstruct
the show for hours. She was stuck in an airport with
lots of hours on her cell. So we talked. And now I need
to get going. On something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(886)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_886"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:09
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e586" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e586"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e586"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigmoves.org/">Big
Moves</a> held a benefit last night featuring a reunion
of Fat Lip Readers Theater. It's always good to see
fat women doing things they're told they can't do. <a href="http://www.bigmoves.org/photos.html">Like
dance.</a> I can't find a link for Fat Lip. I'm not
sure how they used to be but last night they were five
women doing little readings and songs about being fat.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of them read from the disclaimer you sign when you agree
to weight loss surgery. It read like a fat liberation
manifesto. Things like: you should know that thin people
get the all the illnesses that are said to be more likely
for fat people. You should know that there's a reason
why we have a digestive system and we (the medical establishment)
really don't know the ultimate impact to your health
that this surgery might have. But here's a list of the
things that might go wrong. And the list is long. And
ends with the thing you ultimately risk when you have
any surgery. You might die fro the surgery itself. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wish I could use the exact language. It was jaw dropping.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was an enjoyable evening but it was like being at choir
practice when the preacher stops by. I found myself
wishing they could tour high schools and colleges and
be on national television. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
this morning I'm tired. I read an article about a <a href="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=1419&e=10&u=/afp/20040311/hl_afp/sweden_health_obesity&sid=96001004">five
year old girl</a> being taken from her parents. It <a href="http://www.geocities.com/laurie_avocado/Anamarie.html">happened
in the USA.</a>. That little girl was returned to her
parents. But we learn nothing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(887)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_887"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:57
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e587" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e587"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e587"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the middle of the day I got
into a spectacularly bad mood.
No reason in particular that
I could track. But it was spectacularly
bad. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess I could speculate about
why. But.
It seems unwise.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
made some peanut butter and
honey crackers. The kind of
thing you'd make for a fussy
five year old. My inner child
may be 45 but I was feeling
closer to five. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Turned
to my </span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><strike>Netflicks</strike></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.netflix.com/">Netflix
</a>stash. Watched <a href="http://www.wkw-inthemoodforlove.com/">In
the Mood For Love.</a> Despite
the fact that it is drenched
in unfulfilled longing I found
it quite comforting. It's beautiful.
Erotic. The story is told in
images. And the music is great. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Perhaps
part of why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling is that
I heard Sasha Cagen on KPFA talking about her <a href="http://www.todolistmagazine.com/quirkylikeus.html">essay</a>
that turned into <a href="http://quirkyalone.net/qa/">a
book</a>. Today they're talking to <a href="http://www.urbantribes.net/">Ethan
Watters</a>. They both just wrote and essay and one
thing led to another. Now they have a book and a web
site and a movement and ...</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sasha
has been doing <a href="http://www.todolistmagazine.com/index2.html">a
zine</a>. Ethan <a href="http://www.urbantribes.net/ethans_tribe/index.html">describes</a>
how his tribe evolved. Earlier I read <a href="http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,1177959,00.html">an
article</a> about the folks at <a href="http://www.believermag.com/">The
Believer.</a> This is how it happens. People cluster
and network and make it happen. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
I dunno. Maybe that's not the only way it happens. But
I'm just feeling frustrated. And these guys just make
it sound so simple. It doesn't feel simple. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
maybe I'm just in a mood. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(888)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_888"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:22
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e588" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e588"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">March</font></a><a id="e588"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did appreciate my comments yesterday.
I checked in at some point and
read them all . And then I took
a deep breath. And relaxed.
Thank you very much.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
I noticed I had evolved from
a <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=reptile">slithering reptile</a> to a <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=bird">flappy
bird</a>. Picture me singing <a href="http://www.reallyrics.com/lyrics/R000200030005.asp">I Believe
I Can Fly.</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
came over to watch <a href="http://www.spellbound.tv/">Spellbound.</a>
We were both on the edge of
our seats. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Competition
is an interesting thing. I know I am competitive.
But I also know I'm suspicious of models of hierarchy.
I don't watch award shows. Or sports. I think there
is value in competition. But I'm too ... I don't even
know. It's not entirely about sensitivity. It's
about wanting to see things in context. Er. Sumthin.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
I know is that watching those kids spell was nerve wracking.</span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="160">
<tr>
<td width="154">
<p><a href="http://solarcalendar.org/"><img src="chavez.gif" width="178" height="234" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Happy
Birthday Cesar! </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(889)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_889"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:45
AM</font></font></p>
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