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<td width="702" bgcolor="white"><p><font face="Arial" color="#8094A0"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>June
2004</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Who says I despair? That is to say, I would reverse Kierkegaard's aphorism that
the worst despair is that despair which is unconscious of itself as despair, and
instead say that the best despair and the beginning of hope is to be conscious
of despair in the very air we breathe, and to look around for something better.
I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair? - <a href="http://www.doubletakemagazine.org/int/html/percy/">Walker
Percy</a> (via <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Woods_Lot</a>)</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e684" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e684"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e684"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
dad and I didn't spend a lot of time together.
If you added all our visits up it might
not equal a year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
a short time of his life he owned a quarter
horse ranch in Texas and raced the horses.
I visited him there when I was an eighteen
year old hippie chick wearing patched blue
jeans, work boots, tye-dyed t-shirts and
no bra, or underwear. I wore Buddhist prayer
beads and a rosery hanging from a belt loop.
I didn't really fit into the scene. And
I was afraid of the horses. I was a city
kid. I never even had a cat. I'd read The
Black Stallion and National Velvet. I even
had a few horse statues and childhood daydreams
of a best friend horse. But standing next
to one was overwhelming.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I liked watching the horses.
And I liked going to the track. We sat in the stands
drinking Pearl and smoking filterless cigarettes. Hours
of nothing and then the horses were in the gate and
then they were running and we were all standing and
yelling and then it was over and we popped another beer.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I lived in NYC I knew a woman who worked
on the east coast race tracks. I would take
a train out to Long Island and we would
spend the day at the track. Same thing.
Drinking and smoking and talking to trainers and waiting
and then the rush of horses and the tension and the
shouting and then it was over and everyone went back
to the drifting and waiting. I still felt like an outsider.
I wore East Village black then. Drinking Corona. Smoking
Duhills. And I still liked
watching the horses. I like the feel of risk and possibility.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I put a movie in my <a href="http://www.netflix.com/">Netflix</a>
queue because other people liked it but
I'm not that interested. Like <a href="http://www.seabiscuitmovie.com/">Seabiscuit</a>.
I didn't think I'd like it as much as I
did. It had everything I needed to watch
at this moment in my life.
People coming together and supporting one
another. Commitment. Healing. Getting back
up from a thousand falls. It's a beautiful
film. And the acting is great. Unlike everything
on television it's about knowing that winning
isn't the most important part of aspiration.
I almost watched it twice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
it was because yesterday I talked to my
aunt. The family house is sold. I haven't
been there in a couple of decades but I
spent my summers there when I was growing
up. I did imagine that I might go back to
visit. Some day. She said they'd been to
the cemetery to put red, white and blue
flowers on Dad's grave. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I wanna spend a day at the track. Just
watching.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(986)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_986"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e685" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e685"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e685"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:09
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
is home for the summer and I am a happy
Godmother. We drove around SF. Shopped for
<a href="http://www.imagiknit.com/">yarn</a>.
Ate some <a href="http://www.lastsupperclubsf.com/">lunch.</a>
Talked and talked. SO much fun. We came
home and she showed me how to make a hat.
I must have spent three hours trying to
figure it out on my own. Unsuccessfully.
She made it clear to me in ten minutes.
I pulled out <a href="http://www.yarns-and.com/fabrics/Skacel/SKAethno.jpg">the
yarn</a> I got to make something for Jan
and made a pretty cute hat. I made it a
little big because, judging from <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/128771/1/4657677">the
most recent photos</a>, he's a big boy.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to sing a song to Renee when she was
little the title of which was <a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/flythehorses.htm">Horses</a>.
I listened to it while I worked and marveled
at the reoccurring theme. Stuff like that
makes me smile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
is moving on to Chekhov. I'm ready. Chekhov
always convinces me to keep my heart open. And I need
that right now. I just did a Chekhov binge not too long ago.
But some things are worth repeating. Lots
of things are I guess. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(987)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_987"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e686" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e686"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e686"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/019652.html">Dru</a>
linked the <a href="http://www.wehavebrains.com/archives/001529.html">We
Have Brains</a> topic but had no names to offer to the
list of feminist men. I share her jaded view in many
ways. I worked in male dominated kitchens and hung out
with male musicians. I learned to swear faster and louder,
drink harder, make the randier joke and not back down.
I've thought a lot about being a feminist in those worlds.
If I couldn't listen to men be sexist I couldn't work.
But I can't listen to men be sexist and I needed to
work. And being fat gave me great training in how to
use humor to make my point. I think there was a wonky
way in which I was trying to use the master's tools.
As it were. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh,
some times I just make myself laugh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really understand men, or women for that matter,
who don't call themselves feminists. What does that
mean? Do you not think women should make the same amount
of money for the same job? <a href="http://www.now.org/issues/economic/alerts/04-04-03.html">Do
you think they do</a>? And it's not just about a penny
for penny exchange. It's about a redefinition of job
value, access to the jobs that pay well, the education
needed to get them, childcare, oh you know. You either
get it or you haven't been paying attention. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
and I had an interesting conversation about this once
when she was younger. She announced that she wasn't
a feminist because things shouldn't just be fair for
women they should also be fair for men. And I said,
yeah, that's true. And feminism is also about things
being fair for men. I don't think men are served by
the way things are. I think men might enjoy spending
more time with their kids. I think they might be healthier
if they understood themselves emotionally and had a
vocabulary with which to talk about their feelings.
I think the work place might be less carnivorous and
mean spirited if the values of the workplace included
knowing when getting the work done isn't as important
as taking care of the crying child. Things might be
slower, but so? Men are more and more subject to body
assessment obsession. More worried about their weight
and their hair loss and their clothes. Men are not served
by sexism. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dru
mentions privilege and I agree with her. It is hard
for me when anyone doesn't get the way privilege informs
their life. And men do have privilege in no uncertain
terms. But I'm also aware that privilege is costly.
Costly to our hearts, our community, our perception,
our wellness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
you think in terms of the most stereotypically sexist
man you picture a stack of porn mags and a continual
sports feed. Maybe that's just one type but it's the
image that springs to my mind. And I think of the loss
of true Eros and connectivity in that life. Which isn't
to dis sports but some times when I notice how many
sports channels there are and read what the pay is for
the players it seems to me that sports have become a
market driven addiction zone out for (mostly) men. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
losing my thread here because the topic is so big and
the actual WHB thing was just to name five feminist
men. The first name that came to me was <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog">Barry's</a>.
He get's the issues, make an effort to learn about them
and talk about them. I thought about <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/128771/1/4658340">Kobi.</a>
I'm not really sure he calls himself a feminist but
I know him to be a thoughtful and fair minded man. And
I've watched him with his kid. He is with that kid.
He is changing diapers and soothing and he is just <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/128771/2/4658565">with
that kid.</a> And he is with his wife. In a generous
and willing and lush and dignified manner. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought about <a href="http://phonezilla.net/about/">Paul.</a>
Because he's actually said he was feminist, out loud.
And because he asks <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/discussions/archives/001082.php">the
questions.</a> I thought about <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>,
who seems to have disappeared and I never book marked
his bardo digs. I'm on the verge of swimming across
the bay to find him. But, in terms of feminism, <a href="http://www.negrophile.com/phile/articles/if_your_position_in_society_changes_what_happens_to_your_identity.html">he
gets it</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Those
first five came very quickly. And then I went through
a list of names and didn't feel quite as confident.
In terms of local leadership, I think both <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=7251">Tom</a>
and <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=4638">Matt</a>
might be on my list but not without some qualifiers.
<a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/">Dennis</a>
would be on my list but we know there are problems.
<a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/">Michael.</a>
Yeah. But thinking about them I went back to Dru's idea
about how well the most politically vocal men hold their
own privilege. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'll keep thinking about number five. I'm sure I'm forgetting
someone obvious. Or many be I'm just holding the spot
open. For reasons of my own. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(988)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_988"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e687" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e687"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e687"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a psychological epiphany in the
morning. You know the kind where you know
that you've figured something out on a core
level. And now that you get it nothing will
be the same. You will never again sell yourself
out. I mean ya know, I really saw the mechanics
of something. I understood the tab A slot
B fit of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
four o'clock I was curled in a ball weeping.
Running pretty much the same tape loop I
ran all through the month of May. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
have to call my personal social worker (I
do have one you know) and ask her for a
clear diagnosis. But it can't be good. The
word manic comes to mind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Happily,
Renee called. Kate has arrived to spend
the summer. They were on their way over
for <a href="http://www.themenupage.com/mos.html">Mo's
burgers</a> and <a href="http://www.citylights.com/">books</a>.
One of our favorite combos. <a href="http://www.citylights.com/CLlf.html">Lawrence</a>
was walking through the store and Renee
pointed him out to Kate. It made me happy
that she knew who he was. Then we had coffee
at the Steps of Rome and talked. A lot.
We walked home past beautiful Italian men calling us
into their restaurants. One called me bella and I flirted
and he flirted back and we all giggled.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have thermal pajamas with cowboys all over
them. One time when Renee was spending the
night she saw me in the pjs and just began
to giggle. They are very cute. And I am
very cute in them. I told her she could
tell everyone I was sleeping with cowboys.
We giggled some more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was telling them that, for me, having her
delight in my cowboy pajamas reminded me
of me delighting in her. I used to buy her
all these cute clothes from a friend who
had a baby clothes company and delight in how
cute she looked in them. There was something about
her manner when she was looking at me with the
cowboys. The way she giggled. It made
me aware that she was an adult. I can't
really explain why. She was there giggling.
It might not sound adult. But it was her.
Having her own delight. About me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
details of the epiphany are still with me.
My heart is full of conversation with
smart young women. I still had a pang as
my head hit the pillow. A longing so deep.
It's been with me for so long I might not
know who I am without it. But I was sleeping
with cowboys. <a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/flythehorses.htm">Riding
on the horse in the air</a>. And now, when
we fall, we pick each other up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(989)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_989"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e688" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e688"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e688"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George
</a>is back from bardo and I am breathing easier. He
reminded me <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/2004/05/09/16.56.24/">of
this post</a> and I had to link it as another example
of his feminism. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Still, what it means for me to be not just a man, but a human being, is to know
that I cannot stand for any custom that eclipses any part of her justly deserved
prominence or any agent who seeks to abridge any of her natural rights.</span></font></td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
what I'm talkin about. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
he gives the best hugs ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(990)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_990"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I don't want to start<BR>Any blasphemous rumours<BR>But I think that
God's<BR>Got a sick sense of humour<BR>And when I die<BR>I expect to find Him
laughing</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://archives.depechemode.com/lyrics/songs/blasphemousrumours.html">Depeche
Mode</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e689" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e689"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e689"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a complete crush on <a href="http://www.egofilmarts.com/">Atom
Egoyan</a> now. It only took three movies to do it for
me. When his first film was shown at the Montreal Film
Festival, Wim Wenders insisted that an award given to
him for <a href="http://www.wim-wenders.com/movies/movies_spec/wingsofdesire/wingsofdesire.htm">Wings
of Desire</a> be given to Egoyan. I woulda done the
same thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/ffcal.html#topcal">Calendar</a>. Twice. DVD's have those directors talking over the
film thing but I never really want to watch a film and
listen to someone talk. But I did with Calendar. Egoyan
and <a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/tchkak.html">his
wife,</a> both in the film, did the commentary. It was
so interesting and charming. The <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60029441">Netflix
description</a> is wrong. He doesn't ask dates to call
people. He hires escorts to make calls to men they would
rather be with and talk in a language other than English.
And language is the heart of this movie. Language as
seduction. Language as identity. Language as medicine.
Language as alienation. It's all in there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ringcycle.ca/production/production.htm">He's
directing</a> the <a href="http://www.ringcycle.ca/">Ring
cycle</a>. You have to submit an application for a ticket.
It just so not fair. I wanna go. Really, really really.
Really. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(991)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_991"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e690" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e690"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e690"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
awake too early. I think a far away phone was ringing.
And my dream was confusing. And there was a song that
<a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/ComesLove.cfm">Joni
sings</a> in my head.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="197">
<tr>
<td width="191" height="26">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Comes a rain storm<BR>Put your rubbers on your feet<BR>Comes a snow storm<BR>You
can get a little heat<BR>Comes love<BR>Nothing can be done<BR></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
still in my head. But I have <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Amy
Goodman</a> to drown the sound. The old tape loop is
trying to kick in but I'm not going to listen. I'm not.
I already took a shower and got dressed. I have some
yoghurt and blueberries and a croissant. Or maybe I'll
scramble some eggs. And tea. I ought to make some tea.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="193">
<tr>
<td width="187">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Comes a fire<BR>Firemen come and rescue me<BR>Blow a tire<BR>You can patch the
inner tube<BR>Comes love<BR>Nothing can be done<BR></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Monster
has already sent the list of not too interesting jobs.
I'll go to Craig's list and Opportunity Knocks. Someday,
someone, somewhere must be gonna hire me for something.
Maybe I'll call that grad school program. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="210">
<tr>
<td width="204"><P><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Don't try hidin'<BR>'Cause it isn't any use<BR>You'll just start
slidin'<BR>When your heart turns on the juice<BR></span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yoga.
I will do some yoga. I will stand in warrior pose and
remember that I am strong. I can deal with it all. Bring
it on. Just not that tape loop. That has to stop. And
Joni needs to find another groove. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="169">
<tr>
<td width="163" height="95"><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Comes a heat wave<BR>You can hurry to the store<BR>Come a summons<BR>Hide
yourself behind a door<BR>Comes love<BR>Nothing can be done<BR></span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
efforts to make Jan's hat big went a bit off scale.
It fits me. I started again last night and I think it's
going well. I still have the big one. Maybe Kobi will
like it. That would be cute. I can work on them both.
I can clean the kitchen. Maybe Renee and Kate will call
and want to take me with them on some adventure. I can
read. Exotica is coming from Netflix. I can keep that
tape loop off. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="175">
<tr>
<td width="169"><P style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Comes a headache<BR>You can lose it in a day<BR>Comes a toothache<BR>See your
dentist right away<BR>Comes love<BR>Nothing can be done<BR></span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Gore
Vidal is talking.</a> Droll. Entitled. He doesn't think
much of the boy prince. But he isn't helping to get
this song to stop. <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/morningshow/index.php">The
Morning Show</a> is on now. Maybe that will do it. And
that tea. Better get the tea pot on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Joni
wrote <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/TheFishbowl.cfm">a
poem</a>. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="239">
<tr>
<td width="233">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The fishbowl is a world reversed<BR>where fishermen<BR>With hooks that
dangle<BR>From the bottom-up<BR>Reel down their catch<BR>Without a fight<BR>On
guilded bait.<BR><BR>Pike, pickeral, bass-<BR>The common fish<BR>Ogle thru
distorting glass<BR>See only glitter, glamour, gaiety<BR>Fog up the bowl with
lusty breath<BR>Lunge towards the bait and miss<BR>And weep for fortunes
lost.<BR><BR>Envy not the goldfish friend<BR>Imprisoned in his golden
scales<BR>His bubbles breaking round the rim<BR>While silly fishes faint for
him<BR>And sighing say<BR>"Look there, I think<BR>He winked his eye for me!"<BR></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I can go back to sleep for a while and hope for a dream
that does make sense. But no. I'm going to make that
tea. I have things to do. I can make that tape loop stop.
I'll eat something and read some blogs. I'll walk to
the store and buy some arugala for dinner and maybe
a baguette. I won't buy cigarettes and wine. I won't
listen to that tape loop. I'll remember my epiphany
and live my real life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(992)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_992"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e691" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e691"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e691"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:04
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a lot of sentimental musing on what a nice
guy Ray-gun was. Perhaps. People are complex.
No one is all good, or all bad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60020052&srchTrk=10310000085007b00b800b9.60020052.87&mqso=60181276">And
The Band Played On</a> today. In one of
the opening scenes the television is on
and Regan has just been elected the first
time. The film is a nightmare of documentation
on how lack of funding, greed, ego and homophobia
slowed AIDS research. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="373">
<tr>
<td width="367"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">My students ask me how all of this could have happened. They are all smart,
they understand politics, they understand the fear of AIDS, they understand how
complicated � and confusing � history and life can be. But they cannot
understand such indifference, even when politically motivated. I told one of my
students that the most memorable Reagan AIDS moment for me was at the 1986
centenary rededication of the Statue of Liberty. The Reagans were there sitting
next to French President Francois Mitterand and his wife, Danielle. Bob Hope was
on stage entertaining the all-star audience. In the middle of a series of
one-liners Hope quipped, "I just heard that the Statue of Liberty has AIDS but
she doesn't know if she got it from the mouth of the Hudson or the Staten Island
Fairy." As the television camera panned the audience, the Mitterands looked
appalled. The Reagans were laughing. By the end of 1989 and the Reagan years,
115,786 women and men had been diagnosed with AIDS in the United States, and
more than 70,000 of them had died. <a href="http://www.forward.com/issues/2003/03.11.14/news.extra.reagans.html">(more</a>)
</span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I'm just not in the mood to listen to stories
about what a nice guy he was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was writing my book I realized how much
I'd checked out during those eight years.
I voted for Carter the first time but I
didn't even vote the second time. I won't
make that mistake again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
are complex. I don't believe in good guys
and bad guys. But I do believe in accountability.
And I believe that there are times <a href="http://www.stopglobalaids.org/facts/index.html">when
indifference is criminal.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(993)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_993"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e692" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e692"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e692"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marx
was asked if he would be attending a Marxist discussion
meeting. He said he would not. He was not a Marxist.
Or that's a story I read somewhere. I was thinking about
it yesterday. I was thinking about ideology and how
it becomes distorted. Even with Jesus. My reading of
his life is that it was a life of process. He may have
had more inchoate ability in terms of enlightenment
but the whole idea is that we see how he thought and
felt his way through the sorrows of life. Ideology seems
to take the great thinking and feeling of the few and
shape it into something else. Something that can be
held onto and used as a method of control. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wondered about Marx while I was watching <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60020052&srchTrk=10310000085007b00b800b9.60020052.87&mqso=60181276">And
The Band Played On.</a> I wondered what he would say
about blood banks as an industry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I listened to my <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/06/07/1443218">lefty
news</a> and smiled when <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/2004/06/police-protesters-and-politicians.html">Susan</a>
remembered <a href="http://www.peoplespark.org/">People's
Park.</a> While I listen to the perspective with which
I am aligned, my TV (with the sound off) was on CNN
showing a casket and a family and a lot of pomp and
circumstance. I try to take it all in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">During
the Regan years I believed that the political leadership
of the world would no doubt destroy the world. I wanted
to find as much truth and joy as I could before they
did. So I went to India and came back to Boulder and
did drugs and played music and sought truth and joy.
I found some truth and joy. And some lies and sorrow.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Living
in SF makes it easier to believe that constitutional
politics can be effective. And even here we have problems.
Maybe it's because I'm the age that I am. But I see
it more as process. And process is often slow. Meandering.
Incomplete. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
aware of my own process. My own zigg zagging road. My
own desire. My own need. I'm trying to trust. Something.
All the ideologies that held me dear were too tight.
I am not a Marxist. But I like the way the guy thinks.
And I must think and feel my way through the sorrows
of life. Maybe not too joyfully. And maybe without much
inchoate ability in terms of anything in particular.
But with great faith. And some help from my friends.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(994)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_994"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It's time for a mythological revolution. Not only do we need some regime change
in world governments, we also need a new spiritual pantheon. We have lived long
enough with the old stories: the </span></font><I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">mishugas</span></font></I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> of warring desert tribes; the
personified sky gods who judge and punish; the idea that we aren't tied to
materiality, to atoms or to the elements; and the notion that our true identity
has some life beyond the one we are now living. Isn't it time to be more in the
present? Isn't it time to come back home? -Scoop Nisker (via <a href="http://nypress.com/17/22/news&columns/PaulKrassner.cfm">Paul
Krassner</a> via <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan)</a> </span></font> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e693" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e693"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e693"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/06/07/MNGF371QO71.DTL">Venus
is dancing</a> between the sun and the earth. Thinking
about it makes me shiver. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to <a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/">Caroline's
site</a> to see what she might be saying. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="383">
<tr>
<td width="377">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The mini-version is:<BR>For the last year Caroline has been saying watch end of
May into June, as Saturn sits on the U.S. Sun - the country enters deep, sober
reflection - or complete lock-down, June 1 - June 8th. June 8th is the transit
of Venus, when we see Venus in the Underworld- we see what we normally don't
see... Also day of G-8 Summit, ha! June 9- 17th, Saturn sits on GW Bush's Sun,
accountability chickens come home to roost on all that he stands (or falls off
his bike) for. Meanwhile, Uranus, principle of revelation feeding revolution
stations June 10th...<BR></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
see what we normally don't see. I hope so. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my chart <a href="http://www.reneefrancis.com/stargazer/venus_in_taurus.htm">Venus
is in Taurus</a>. I'm going to light candles and listen
to music and dance with the planet of love and beauty.
Eyes wide open. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(995)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_995"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e694" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e694"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e694"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/">Caroline
says</a> deep sober reflection or complete lock down.
I think both. In SF yesterday there were <a href="http://sf.indymedia.org/news/2004/06/1695929.php">two
cops for every demonstrator.</a> This morning, on the
streets around the convention center, <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/08/ba_biopolice004ls.jpg&paper=chronicle&file=BAGMG72FS71.DTL&directory=/c/a/2004/06/08&type=news">battle
lines</a> are drawn. The local news is filming. I just
watched an officer in complete riot gear kick a plant.
The demonstrators had placed potted plants in an intersection
to block traffic. The officer was kicking the plant
over. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="504">
<tr>
<td width="498"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The G-8 meetings in Georgia highlight some of the important
differences between Clinton's corporate globalization and Bush's imperial
version. Under Clinton, G-8 meetings typically were celebratory gatherings of
the world's most powerful leaders, who coordinated the neo-liberal economic
policies of institutions like the IMF and the World Bank.</span></FONT></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Today, the G-8 highlights simmering tensions between the White
House and our traditional allies in "Old Europe," whose governments object to
Bush's hawkish worldview and go-it-alone bravado. These leaders continue to
promote the same pro-corporate development policies at the IMF and World Bank.
But President Bush's brand of corporate favoritism, embodied in no-bid
Halliburton contracts, reveals a nationalist economic outlook that only
exacerbates tensions. (<a href="http://www.zmag.org/content/showarticle.cfm?SectionID=13&ItemID=5668">more</a>)</span></FONT></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/06/08/BAGMG72FS91.DTL">Newsom
courts and woos</a> and I light purple candles
to a goddess who loves beauty and send up dreams for peace
and love and pleasure and healing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have baskets and bowls full of dry roses. Most of them
I bought myself and dried myself but I have these little
tiny buds that Karen bought me in Chinatown. I was using
them in my ritual for the dancing planet. When I walked
into my bedroom one of the dried roses from a bowl on
my dresser was on the floor. I'm sure I knocked it out
of the bowl when I was changing clothes or something
but seeing it there, that little flower of love, in
the middle of my floor, made me smile. Felt like an
affirmation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I could make magic I'd fill the streets with roses today.
Knee high. High enough to cover jack boots and fill
the air with a scent so sweet and intoxicating that
people would begin to dance and kiss. Not hot house
roses, mind you. Big luscious garden roses. Not buds,
tight and closed and firm. Fully bloomed roses. Heavy.
Open. Over full and dripping leaves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(996)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_996"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e695" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e695"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e695"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>
is learning the <a href="http://www.willa.com/fallenangel/weblog/index.shtml">Tarot.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the year after my trip to <a href="http://www.haidakhan.net/">the
ashram</a> I lived in a garage and wandered
from diner to cafe to club reading Tarot
cards for five bucks. I made just enough
to pay for whatever I was drinking or eating
and enough to buy a book or two. I listened
to my friends play music and danced
daughters-of-Jah dancing with my new age
sisters. Arms in the air. Birkenstocks shuffling.
Hearts lifted to the sky. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a wood stove in the garage. The woman
who owned it intended it to be a small apartment
but no one would pay for it. I lived there in exchange for
babysitting her kids. But
Colorado winters are cold and brick walls
store temperature and wood was costly. Sometimes
I huddled in my sleeping bag, trembling
with cold, watching snow fall through a
window high on the wall. It was so cold.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Life
went the way it went and I put away the
Tarot. I still read for friends who know
I can. Usually on their birthday. I used
to pull a card for myself on New Years and
on my own birthday. But I stopped. All part
of a long dark night in which I do not believe
I know how to hear the angels. And as melodramatic
as that may sound I think it has been good
for me in ways I can't fully articulate.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Reading
Willa has been poking at me. Calling me
to play. And in my current candlelight and
roses dancing with planets mood I went to
read what the cards were <a href="http://www.willa.com/fallenangel/weblog/2004/06/how-can-i-keep-my-soul-in-me-so-that.shtml">telling
her today.</a> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="326">
<tr>
<td width="320"><SPAN class=blog style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">How can I keep my soul in me, so that<BR>it doesn't touch your
soul? How can I raise<BR>it high enough, past you, to other things?<BR>I would
like to shelter it, among remote<BR>lost objects, in some dark and silent
place<BR>that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.<BR>Yet everything that
touches us, me and you,<BR>takes us together like a violin's bow,<BR>which draws
one voice out of two separate strings.<BR>Upon what instrument are we two
spanned?<BR>And what musician holds us in his hand?<BR>Oh sweetest song.<BR></font></SPAN></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
Rilke. Always reminding me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so I thought I'd pull a card.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Once
when I was reading my friend Poonah told
me that he didn't think I knew what the
cards meant. He thought I used them as a
prop so that I could spout my own wisdom.
I'm not sure if it was wisdom but I think there
was some truth to me using them to spout.
I did know what they meant. I read books
about them. I looked at different decks
and pondered the art. I use the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/aquarian/">Aquarian
Deck</a>. Mine is worn soft from use. Almost
cloth like. Today I pulled the four of swords.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">At
first I felt sad. My reading of that card
is rest after strife. And I'm supposed to
be dancing with love and beauty today. I
went to a page Willa links for <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/fours.shtml">someone
else's divination.</a> </span></font></p>
<P align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"The card advises the Querent that they need to get away, rest, recuperate.
Especially after the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/threes.shtml">Three of Swords!</a>
"</span></font>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
OK. There's some truth to that. </span></font></p>
<P align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"The card indicates that the Querent has been facing mental or emotional
stress, arguments, misunderstandings or verbal abuse, or that they're ill or
injured. A healing retreat is needed, time to clear the head, heart and soul, or
just fix a damaged body. In this case, the stillness of the "4" is healing and
positive. A quiet, unchanging scene is needed."</span></font></P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
OK. There's some truth to that. But I feel
like a kid who has been told to take a nap.
I'm tired of resting and healing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I thought about a guy in North Beach. I
met him when he was tending bar a bunch
of years ago. We flirted wildly until I
met his girl friend. We were still friendly
when we ran into each other. I never had
much heart invested. The last time I saw
him he was flirting again but by then I knew
about some problematic aspects of his character.
Still. Yesterday I thought about hunting
him down. Going bar to bar. Prowling like
I used to. I felt like Rilke's <a href="http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/4027/panther.html">panther.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But,
really. Bar to bar? That was then. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
as I was reading about my four of swords
the purple candle, which is sitting on top
of the shelf above my desk, began to drip.
It dripped a lot. All over the screen of
my monitor. OHMYGAWD. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sure there's a metaphor in that. I'm sure
it can't be good. I scraped the wax from
the screen with my finger nail and giggled.
I got it mostly cleaned up, put a dish under
the candle. Made my apologies to the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/08/mn_venustransit01.jpg&paper=news&file=international0339EDT0450.DTL&directory=/news/a/2004/06/08&type=news">dancing
planet</a>. Perhaps I need to accept that I am in a
slow and inner time. At least for today. I don't think
it will hurt to walk to the mailbox and send my resume
out. Maybe I'll do some laundry. I have arugala, cucumber and
turkey for lunch. And I will still dance. On the news
I watched the demonstrators <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?paper=chronicle&file=PROTEST08.TMP&directory=c/a/2004/06/08&type=universal&object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/09/ba_bioprotests03.jpg">dancing
in a circle in the street</a>. Dancing can be a form
of resting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/leonardo-da-vinci/">the
deck</a> that Willa is using. I have <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/aleister-crowley-thoth/">three</a>
<a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/golden-dawn/">other</a>
<a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/universal-waite/">decks</a>.
Well, <a href="http://www.sleepbot.com/morgan/index_p.html">four</a>
actually. And wanted <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/visconti/">another</a>.
Maybe I need to play some more. I dunno. I'm just trying
to stimulate some vision and faith in a worn out heart.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(997)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_997"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p> </p>
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</td>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e696" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e696"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e696"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
and Kate came over. We played with the Tarot
and talked
and ate pizza and <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=1040000">danced.</a> Renee had to work so Kate stayed
over. We watched <a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/fffj.html#topfj">the
next film</a> in my Atom Egoyan festival.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now Kate is asleep on the futon behind me and I
am trying not to type too loudly. Which is hard because
the shelf that holds my keyboard rattles. Soon I will
go into the kitchen and make waffles with oatmeal and
yoghurt in them and blueberries and nectarines on top.
Renee will be here soon and we'll have more fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a helicopter over head. Could be news. <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/06/09/BAG3M736G81.DTL">Could
be police</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
card for the day is the <a href="http://www.paranormality.com/tarot_knight_of_wands.shtml">Knight</a>
<a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/knights.shtml">of
Rods</a>. Which may just be about these wonderful girls
who visit me and make smile. Or maybe we're going to
meet a shining knight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(998)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_998"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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</td>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e697" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e697"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e697"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
Kate
saw the dancing planet candle she asked
what it was about. I mumbled some vague hippie chick
thing and she said, "So, it's like leaving cookies
for Santa."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
we played speed Scrabble in a coffee house near the
ocean. The coffee was acrid and I got too many vowels
but we had fun. The guy walking down Church street with
the feather bird face mask carrying a cardboard box
full of who knows what and talking to no one in particular
startled Kate a little bit. I guess I can understand
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(999)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_999"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e698" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e698"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e698"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a thread on <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>,
which began with some news <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001287.php">about
gastric bypass.</a> I'm late to the dance on this and
feel funny jumping in via comments. But there is much
to be parsed in the comments. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lately
I've been feeling how difficult it can be to have a
conversation about the health of fat people. We know
that health research is funded. We know that funding
can dictate the focus. These aren't new ideas, nor are
they particular to the health of fat people. But the
result is always the same. Information on health isn't
always useful. And for those of us, facing the exaggerated
hysteria of the obesity epidemic, adequate health information
(not mention health care) is close to nil.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard a few minutes of <a href="http://www.drweil.com/app/cda/drw_cda.html">Dr.
Weil</a> on PBS the other day. He was talking about
how there was nothing about prevention in medical school.
Nothing about nutrition. For the record, Dr. Weil has
his own <a href="http://www.drweilvitaminadvisor.com/advisor/default.asp?catid=16093&aid=336969&aparam=drweilrosnavJuneVA">market</a>
<a href="http://polarismarketplace.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=86319&catid=56192&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=56192&trxp2=86319&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT">driven</a>
perspective. I just like his products better than gastric
bypass, diet plans and drugs. He talks about spirit,
mind and body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the comments on BFB there is a woman who is at a weight
she calls mid size. She is having trouble moving and
she feels her heart race when she climbs stairs. She
says people in the size acceptance community have nothing
useful to say to her. I hope that's not true.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a friend who I met at a <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA</a>
weekend. She's pretty disenfranchised from the community
at this point. There's more than one reason. But part
of it is about experience she's had of intolerance in
the community. Lately she's been swimming and doing
yoga and she's always been someone who eats healthy,
real food. She's a vegetarian. She says she eats whatever
she wants. And she's lost some weight lately. And she's
happy about it. She notes that she would have to lose
lots of weight before she would even be in the range
of what is defined as average. And weight loss was not
and is not her goal. But she is happy about it. Why?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
usually at this point in the conversation when things
can get tense between us. Because I'm wary of the list
of negative health issues associated with being
fat. I am aware that there are health issues for fat
bodies. But we don't always agree on what they are.
I am however, not in the least bit uncomfortable with
her efforts to care for her body. I even get why she's
happy about losing weight. I don't think the fat revolution
is about trying to get fat, or stay fat. And I don't
think she wishes she were thinner. But she lost a little
weight and all she's done is care for her body. There
is a measure of change in that. I understand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the fat community she feels afraid to talk about it.
Any mention about weight loss is a betrayal. There's
something kinda wonky about that. We are under attack.
We are braced and defended. And we need to hold the
complexity of what life in a fat body is. Spirit, mind
and body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
woman in the comments talks about being a compulsive
over eater. Since this is the Internet we need to think
about the possibility that this woman isn't who she
says she is. But let's take her at her word. I've met
people with compulsive over eating issues. I've had
some experience with it myself. But I think it's something
we need to really parse. Food is about many things.
It is about comfort sometimes. And it is about pleasure.
Spirit, mind and body. When food is problematized we
get confused. For too many in this country food has
lost vitality and substance. Salt and chemicals and
processing. We forget what real food tastes like. We
eat on the run. In front of the television or the computer.
I do. I eat in front of the computer, a lot. I try to
make myself eat meals at the table, with music on and
candles lit, regularly. Real meals. It would be great
to always eat with spirit, mind and body fully engaged.
But it's not always possible. I hope people with compulsive
over eating issues can work through them. But I hope
they don't lose comfort and pleasure in their effort.
There's a difference between being obsessed with food
and being a sensualist. Sometimes it's just about fuel.
Sometimes it ought to be more.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
friend says she eats whatever she wants. But I know
her to have excellent taste in food. By which I mean
she likes a variety of fruits and vegetables. She likes
whole grains. She eats dairy but she also uses soy products.
She recognizes well prepared food. She has for as long
as I have known her. And she is very fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
community needs to be able to have conversations about
all this. But in a post about gastric bypass it's a
shift of the debate. I understand why people feel desperate
and pressured about losing weight. And I wish they all
had medical care that thought in terms of spirit, mind
and body and not in terms of selling. Because gastric
bypass is unsound and punitive. And pressured, desperate
people need care. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the thread the surgery is rationalized by the list.
Problems with movement, out of control eating, high
heart rate. And the leap to the surgery is made. The
fact that people have died after the surgery becomes
blurred. I think there are some great posters over there
doing great work. I couldn't think of anything to say
that hadn't been said. The conversation is moving along.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am left thinking about how often we fight with each
other about how health and fat work, or don't work together.
I want us to bang on the doors of the medical establishment
and say get all of us. Spirit, mind and body. All of
who we are. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that's what the revolution means to me. Embracing all
of who I am. Not trying to be less. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1000)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1000"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e699" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e699"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e699"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Looking
back on the day I think the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e696">Knight
of Rods</a> might just have been about us
driving around all day. We were all the
way to the west of the city and all the
way to the east. We were pretty far south
and all the way north. When we got home
we flopped down and watched Hitchcock movies.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I pulled the <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000978.html#000978">Four
of Cups</a>. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="390">
<tr>
<td width="384"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Some of us start the most trouble for
ourselves when life�s too good; like a tantrum-prone girl sweeping clear her
vanity, shattering glass perfume bottles and upturning powder puffs, to clear a
space upon which to sob.<BR>Johnny Rotten may never have been in this
position himself, but he has always been quick to point it out in others. When
you stop seeing the good in your life, and can�t do anything but whine about how
hard you have it, that�s the Four of Cups. </span></font></P>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The best of what we have will sometimes poison us, if we are complacent. The
Four of Cups tells us we have been looking too deeply inward, and that it is
time to engage ourselves, outside of ourselves. </span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK
so two days ago I was supposed to put on armor and lay
down and today I'm complacent. See how the gods toy
with me?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I read that card I always mention that the querant may
be waiting for information, or response. Like could
one of my resumes be responded to please? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
oddly enough, yesterday I noticed that I was at 1000
comments. This post is 1001. I was going to say something
about that. Something commemorative. But I forgot. The
other thing I noticed was that all the comments on <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>
were gone. I guess YACCS stores them and I can download
them to my own server. But there are problems with my
server. Things I ought to have dealt with long ago.
I'm not sure I can make it work. And it made me sad.
Because sometimes I would read those comments to cheer
myself up about the book and my inability to get it
published. I'm sort of hand wringing and teeth gnashing
about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do wait for messages. Check comments. Wait for e-mail.
It is all a little addictive and I do need to focus.
I can feel some brooding coming on. The card is
apt. I have things I can do to counter it all. A piece
of writing I began and some errands to run. I know I
have a penchant for fits of drama. I use things like
laundry and vacuuming to subvert my passion play. So.
OK. Grumble. Eye roll. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Onward.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1001)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1001"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It's a challenge
</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Gotta make myself remember
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
Facing the truth, well, that doesn't mean surrender
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">What is bravado and how much is a force of will?
-<a href="http://www.thetabworld.com/Todd_Rundgren__Parallel_Lines_lyrics.html">Todd
Rundgren</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e700" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e700"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e700"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
you come up with a plan. You think that plan will keep
you safe. But the plan fails. Or maybe you fail the
plan. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
safety. Safely is an illusion. I've never been safe.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
face is full of blood. My heart is pushing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are two loads of laundry in the drier. Half a load in
the wash. The grey morning has burned off and opened
to the clarity of the sun. I will mop the kitchen floor.
I will put clean sheets on the bed. I will fold everything
and put it all away. There's more turkey and arugala.
I will send the mail. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Chop
wood.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Carry
water. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Joyful
participation in the sorrows of life.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
must be a sentence somewhere that will stroke my cheek
and sooth me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fucking
four
of cups. Maybe I'll just pick another card. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1002)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1002"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e701" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e701"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e701"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Despite
the fact that I was tense and wary while I was shuffling,
the cards were good to me today. I have to admit that
it feels good to have this moment of ritual. I like
the feel of cards in my hand. Today I got the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/magician.shtml">Magician</a>.
It's one of those cards. You look at the images and
you think maybe things will be OK. Or maybe that's just
me. And maybe that's just me today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We'll
see. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="322">
<tr>
<td width="316">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Seeing the Magician in your reading gives you an indication that </span></font><B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">NOW</span></font></B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> is
the moment for something to occur, and that </span></font><B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">YOU</span></font></B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> should be prepared to be
the one to make it occur -- and with all the style you can muster. You have
dotted your i�s, crossed your t�s, done a spellcheck and </span></font><B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">NOW</span></font></B><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> is the time
to move ahead -- dressed to kill, well fed, and bursting with your own
achievements -- not only for your own sake, but as an example to those around
you. And if there are aspects of your personality or achievements that, shall we
say, may not necessarily appeal to the lowest common denominator- well, those
aspects should be showcased as beautifully and appealingly as all the others. (<a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000677.html#000677">more</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Honestly.
I have no idea what to do with that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
wore me down. When I walked into the little shopping
mall down the street I saw a woman on a bench. She was
older, dressed in bright colors, orange and red and
yellow. She wore a long skirt and layers of sweaters.
White hair, pulled back and a face brown and wrinkled
from sun. She looked Slavic and ancient and more than
a little mad. As I passed she spoke to me but I couldn't
understand what she was saying. Her look was hostile
but contained. I looked directly into her eyes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am done in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I continued with my one step after another get stuff
done even though you don't feel like it method of self
comfort. In the evening, Renee and Kate and I were going
to go to Headlands and listen to <a href="http://www.headlands.org/Programs/pub_prog_06_10_2004.shtml">Cynthia</a>
but when they arrived at my apartment Renee said the
brakes were acting funny. She was worried about driving
too far and that made sense to me. We made popcorn and
watched terrible television. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to pretend that the national day of mourning is
for <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/06/11/MNGHM74M991.DTL">Ray</a>.
I'm going to think about magic and possibility and making
something occur and <b>NOW. </b>And if I can't figure
it out I'll go ask <a href="http://www.resort.com/~banshee/Misc/8ball/">Bob</a>
for help. <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
says he's cool. Or <a href="http://www.pandorabots.com/pandora/talk?botid=f5d922d97e345aa1">Alice</a>.
<a href="http://michaelgates.blogspot.com/">Michael</a>
has had some interesting conversations with her. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1003)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1003"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e702" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e702"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e702"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Me
and my grrrl team ate sandwiches in the park. Drank
coffee in a cafe. Looked through tattoo books at a tattoo
place on the corner. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
showed them a sketch I have in an old journal of an
angel that I was going to have on my shoulder.
The angel is male and naked with arms extended up and
wings in full span. He is leaning to one side. I wanted
to have him on my back. But today we were talking about
him being on my front, wing span along the line of my
shoulder, feet just at the top of my breast. And maybe
the words </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="126">
<tr>
<td width="120"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/4027/duino.html">Who, if I cried out</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">in
a very delicate script.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
we were looking in the journal a bar napkin fell out.
On it was something <a href="http://www.nancysteinbeck.com/">John</a>
wrote to me in very drunk and hard to read scrawl. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="348">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Locusts
eat and eat</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">and
eat. All of us are (a word I can't read)
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">with
the exception of Brigham Young</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Thank
you Tish for </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">seeing
my gull.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sure we were both very drunk at the time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1004)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1004"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e703" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e703"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e703"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:08
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend talked to me about opening a restaurant
yesterday.
I'm not sure he's serious. I'm not sure
he's able. But I walked through a empty
restaurant space near
by. Imagined all the possibilities.
I think it would take a lot of money. I'm
not Rocco and my friend isn't someone with a ton of
cash. I
don't know what's possible. I don't know
how I feel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do know how to make a restaurant. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also know that a restaurant is like getting
married. I know how I am when I'm running
a restaurant. I think writing would just
fall away. But. I need a job.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Any
big emotion is premature. I'm not sure what
will happen. It's too early to do any hand
wringing. My friend may change his mind once he finds
out how much the lease is. This may be a fork in the
road. Or it may not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I didn't feel magical. I felt...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really know how I felt.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today's
card is the <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/001006.html#001006">six
of rods</a> and I am just chagrined. If there was a
moment yesterday when I was magical I missed it. And
if there is a reason to feel victorious today, well.
I'll have to understand later. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1005)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1005"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:11
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't going to write today. I'm really feeling so wretched
and dark. Sometimes I write my darkness here and I think
people get too worried about me. I tell the truth about
my worst self and people may get the impression that
I have forgotten that I have a better self. And, really,
on a day like today I don't really remember my better
self. If I wrote out how I'm feeling ... well. I'm just
not sure it would serve any purpose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when I'm feeling like this I want to voice the darkness.
It's like I'm calling out to some eternal parent. I'm
blaming and raging and asking, "How can you let
this happen?" It's like I want to stand in the
darkest corner and demand that the light come there
too. Come. Here. In this darkness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean, you know. I live in country drunk and delusional.
Swooning over images. Bought and sold in every way possible.
Acting out a need for great leadership <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/060704A.shtml">in
a dance of denial</a> all week long. The longer it went
on, the more elaborate it became, the darker I felt.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
wasn't just that stuff that pushed me into
the corner of gloom I woke up in this morning. And if
I begin to write out all the things in my head, all
the stories and wishes and failures and losses, I will
be doing exactly what I wasn't going to do today. I
found no victory yesterday. I did the smallest amount
of tentative writing. I watched <a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/fffamv.html#topfamv">more</a>
<a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/ffsparts.html#topsparts">Egoyan.</a>
In some ways I think his movies are like therapy. And
still I woke up in misery. Skin aching misery.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I made some tea. And peaches and yoghurt and a
bran muffin. Sat down at the computer and began to click
through the roll. I went to see what beauty Marie had
posted because I hadn't been there in a few days and
discovered that she had written something <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/06/meeting_new_fri.html">very
sweet about me.</a> And, at first I took it as confirmation.
I should definitely not write today. If I write what
I feel today she will think I don't believe any good
things about myself. And I do believe good things about
myself. Just not right this minute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it was so sweet and dear and generous. Someone I have
never met wishing me well from so far away. And I know
she isn't the only one. So I began to type. In response
to that energy. In acknowledgement of the web of care
in which I am held. Because there are these days of
gloom and doom. And I believe that telling the truth
is important. Even when telling the truth means loss.
And I need to trust that people know I will work my
way out of this place. Because I need to believe that
I will work my way out of this place. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.steveconn.com/">Steve</a>
use to sing <a href="http://www.officialtomwaits.com/music/m_lyrics.htm">a
song</a> for me on Sunday nights in the <a href="http://www.boulderado.com/">Mezzanine.</a></span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="259">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I admit that I ain't no angel<BR>I admit that I ain't no saint<BR>I'm selfish
and I'm cruel and I'm blind<BR>If I exorcise my devils<BR>Well my angels may
leave too<BR>When they leave they're so hard to find<BR></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listened and smoked and drank and ran to the alley to
pack my nose as soon as he was through with the song.
I want to think I'm past that kind of petulant self
indulgent wound licking. I don't do the toxin overload
but I still listen to the saddest music in the world
and tell myself the worst. And I hold out the same defense.
If I exorcise my devils, my angels may leave too. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
always tell me to go out. The sun is shining. The air
is clean. I could go sit near the water and feel my
energy shift and move. Maybe I will. Or maybe I'll
watch the <a href="http://www2.cruzio.com/~akreyche/ffnok.html#topnok">other
Egoyan</a>. Or read. Or try to work on some writing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">June
is always hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
maybe I just make it hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But,
as always, I am softened by the kindness of strangers.
Grateful beyond my ability to articulate. And (big breath)
willing to ... well. Just willing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1006)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1006"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e705" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e705"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e705"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
Maybe I'll play around with
my website. Just coz. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Mark
Woods</a> linked the <a href="http://botheration.org/ulysses/">Ulysses-one
page every day</a> project.
I'm going to try and keep up
for awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1007)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1007"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e706" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e706"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e706"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:08
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
comment number for this post
is 1008. </span></font></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.babaji.net/"><img src="babaji10.jpg" width="250" height="171" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
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<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hi
Jeane. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1008)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1008"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e707" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e707"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e707"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
came up to take me out for way too much Dim Sum. She
brought a purple bag with a bottle of Bombay Sapphire,
a <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0226027961&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">fantastic
book</a> and the most perfect card ever. We went to
<a href="http://www.greenapplebooks.com/cgi-bin/mergatroid/index.html">Green
Apple</a>, where I used more of my credit card company's
money to make myself feel better about life. It's really
wrong headed to feel bad about life when a lovely
friend is filling you full of pork buns and ginger laden
shrimp dumplings. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
came home and got a letter telling me that I did not
get the big grant. One of the other 449 people who applied
got it. It was a standard form letter on which the sentence:
We applaud your effort, had been underlined in pen.
And, also in pen: Please keep writing!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also.
My friend called. He is really serious about the restaurant.
It is still too early to get worked up. But worked up
I am. I think I'm adding 2+2+2 and coming up with negative
143. But. That's what I'm doing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
anxious to read my new book. I've been reading <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?isbn=0156260255">Anais</a>
again. It's so interesting to read something that you
read when you were twenty. I remember how it made me
feel then. I wanted to be in Paris with Henry and
June and Anais. But I had my own gang. More than one.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tonight I
have a pack of Gitanes and a glass of gin. Two books
about passionate friendships in Paris. Left over Dim
Sum, which I will eat if I ever stop sobbing. More fear
and doubt than I can articulate. Ever more dependant
on the people who love me. So dependant that I can't
even pretend it isn't true.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1009)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1009"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
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<p> </p>
</td>
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</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e708" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e708"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e708"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/">Trinity
doughnut tarot</a> is pretty spectacular. I've been
about to bag the whole card of the day thing. The last
few days the cards seem to have been playing with me.
And, really, when you think about me getting the four
of swords (need to rest) one day and the four of cups
(need to look outside oneself) two days later, it really
feels like I whatever I'm doing I should be doing something
else. In the last few days I've pulled the happy ever
after card and then the everything falls apart card
and I'm just about to go mad with the need for insight
and information. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/">Caroline</a>
says this great thing about astrology. She says, "believe
nothing, entertain possibility." That's how
I feel about tarot. There is a mystery. I've read the
cards for many people. People I knew and people I didn't
know. There is something that happens. Something that
is revealed. What? Why? I dunno. For me right now it's
just about trying to reengage with a crazy wisdom. Reengage
the mystery. Be more open to grace. Or sumthin. Caroline
says something else. </span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="359">
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/">The
situation is so dire we can't afford the
luxury of realism</a>. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.
Yeah.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I forgot to pull a card first thing but after some tea
I woke up enough and reached for them. I pulled the
<a href="http://www.learntarot.com/s9.htm">nine of swords.</a>
Arg. Damn. Like I need a tarot card to tell me that.
Sitting here with sand dry from crying eyes, stomach
and head achy from gin and smoke (turns out I still
do the toxin overload) and spirit drained. I had my
reflex reaction to the card so I thought I'd jump
to trinity doughnuts <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000919.html#000919">for
another view.</a> You really need to click on the card
and check out the little girl. It made me smile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really feel like a child these days. It's as if I can't
quite take care of myself. I want to sit and draw. I
want to zone and drift. And I want there to be cake.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am not a child. I am middle aged. Whatever that means.
It's not the number. I don't care about the number.
I'm happy being the age that I am. It's about having
worked really hard to be in a different place. And feeling
like I am falling back. Or not even falling. Just not
able. Disabled in some fundamental emotional way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Looking
at the little girl with her hand pressed against her
forehead made my heart melt. I need to pull the hands
away from my face and get back to work. The day is passing.
This is the razors edge. Things are erratic, internally
and externally. And somehow I need to keep moving. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1010)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1010"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e709" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e709"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e709"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:11
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/13/magazine/13DUBLIN.html">Bloomsday.</a>
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="448">
<tr>
<td width="442"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.bloomsday100.org/">To-day 16 June 1924 twenty years after. Will anyone remember this date?</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<table align="center" border="0" width="156">
<tr>
<td width="150">
<p><a href="http://neuroinflammation.net/propaganda/props5.html"><img src="WWJJD4th.jpg" width="150" height="198" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got the cool picture from <a href="http://neuroinflammation.net/propaganda/props5.html">Liberal
Arts Media</a>. Pointed to by
<a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just <a href="http://www.robotwisdom.com/jaj/ulysses/bloomsday.html#rumor">learning
about Bloomsday</a>. I was saving
Joyce for when I was seventy.
Don't ask me why. <a href="http://botheration.org/ulysses/">This
is better</a>. I bought a <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp;jsessionid=A1591F3491721C7C1EE1F4ED56875148.t4?s=showproduct&isbn=0375507949">lovely
hardback</a> on sale at Green
Apple the other day. The first
page is longer in my book. But
I'm reading ahead anyway. Having
spent so much time in Paris
for the last few days I head
to Dublin. And maybe I'll drink
a pint and make a toast to women
who get to it. And call upon the
ghost of Nora Barnacle for wisdom.
My question would be ...</span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="150">
<p><img src="nora3.gif" width="150" height="200" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<table align="center" border="0" width="347">
<tr>
<td width="341">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">A hundred years ago today, a Galway girl gave a Dublin boy a handjob on
Dollymount Strand. It was their first date, and the grateful boy later turned
the day into a secular feast by setting </span></font><EM><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Ulysses</span></font></EM><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> on the 16th of June,
1904. It�s a fine thing to celebrate: carnal delight, first love, and a gift
that augured a long and loving marriage. His Nora Barnacle turned out to be as
loyal as her name, and I have extra fondness for a man whose love and art were
real enough to hold as his muse an earthy wife instead of a goddess. - <a href="http://www.dervala.net/archives/000632.html">Dervala</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1011)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1011"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e710" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e710"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e710"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:56
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
year I get caught up in <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=16979">the
budget committee</a>. It's odd
because I don't really understand
what they're talking about but
every year I listen to hours
of department questioning and
public testimony. It's the public
testimony that really gets me.
Tuesday night it was social
workers and heath care providers
begging that their funds not
be cut. Health care workers.
Many of them break down in tears.
It's so moving. The meeting
was still going at 11:30 when
I took my book to bed. And yesterday
the committee was back at work.
I can never find any news about
it. Not on TV. Not in the paper.
I found this article, which
explains <a href="http://www.sfexaminer.com/article/index.cfm/i/061504c_bodypolitic">some
of the issues.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I got to page twenty in Ulysses
and then hit a sentence in which
someone was trailing �his ashplant by his side. Its ferrule followed lightly on
the path, squealing at his heels.� I�m still not sure what an ashplant is. The
guy is smoking. I thought it might be ash from his cigarette. Ferrule was what got me to the computer in search of my
dictionary. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-top:0in;margin-right:5.0pt;margin-bottom:0in;
margin-left:21.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:-21.0pt;line-height:17.0pt;
tab-stops:21.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><span style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">1.</font></span><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-tab-count:1"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><span style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">A
metal ring or cap placed around a pole or shaft for reinforcement or to prevent
splitting. </font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal><span style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans"> 2. </font></span><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">A
bushing used to secure a pipe joint.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">Yeah.
OK. I'm lost. Is it just poetic?
Poetic ash? Poetic rings of ash? What is an ashplant?
</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" align="justify"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
am enjoying the reading but
there are these books that make
me feel like if I read all day
every day I'll only get a bit
of what I want to read read.
I'm too far behind. I'll never
catch up. And I need to learn
Latin, Spanish, French and (gasp)
my head begins to spin. </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" align="justify"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">So I
watched <a href="http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/inamerica/">In
America.</a> It's a beautiful
movie. And now I have the Irish
accent in my head, fresh for
the Joyce. Except I was craving
more of <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0226027961&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Camus
& Sartre</a> and Anais, Henry and June. I went from
book to book. This is exactly how I would like to spend
my day, every day. If only I were an heiress.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:9.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
know it's good to do a practice
everyday. But I haven't been
doing yoga. I did yesterday
and it was so good. My shoulder
was stiff and sore. I think
I slept on it funny. Stretching
hurt a little. But the pain kept
me focused and I held poses
longer. Sometimes I think it's good to let something
go and come back to it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1012)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1012"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e711" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e711"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e711"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:06
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kate
just called to say that the grrrl gang will be here
at 1:30. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
2:00. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
maybe 3:00.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What?
Do they think I am just sitting here waiting? Harrumph.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am just sitting here waiting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting for an e-mail from that editor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting for a letter from that publisher.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting for a call from that on line magazine.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting for a response to those resumes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting for something, anything, to reassure me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I'm eating yoghurt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I read blogs.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I take a shower and get dressed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I do yoga. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I listen to the budget committee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am waiting while I clean the bath room and mop the kitchen
floor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I am waiting for my grrrl gang. We have a new, visiting
from LA member of the gang. That will be cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1013)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1013"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e712" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e712"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e712"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
ya know (she said while pondering the question - what
would Nora do ) if you have time on your hands (as it
were) and you don't know anyone you can meet on Dollymount
Strand, you can always put your hand in your own pants.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1014)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1014"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e713" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e713"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e713"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finally got around to watching
<a href="http://www.lordoftherings.net/index_synopsis_rotk.html">The
Return of the King</a>. Most
of it I found exhausting. I
fast forwarded through a few
battle scenes. There is too
much battle imagery available
these days. I wasn't in the
mood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
themes that capture my attention
in the movies are the same as
the ones I loved in the books
decades ago when I read them.
Friendship, loyalty, the choices
that we make to be there for
one another, the times when
we fail. The choices that we
make for love. Honor. Family
and home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a scene that brought me
back to a truncated conversation
I was having a couple of weeks
ago. The scene in which the
big bad guy says no man can
kill me and Eowyn pulls off
her mask and says. I'm no man.
And then. Of course. She kills
him. And that. Of course. Is
a good thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Honestly.
In that moment. I smiled. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want to be done with battle.
I'm tired of the forces of good
and the forces of evil. I'm
none with duality. But I'm not
done with the unexpected. I'm
not tired of victory won by
the smallest and least likely.
I remember why I wore a <b>Frodo
Lives</b> button. In the end
the battle ground isn't the
most important place. The hobbit
battling with his attachment
to a shiny gold ring on a precipice
above a river of fire, that's where
I find all my fear and hope
portrayed. I was struck by Sam
begging Frodo to <i>let go</i>
of the ring one minute and begging
him not to <i>let go</i> as
Frodo hangs from the cliff.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Frodo,
after all, made the bad choice.
He succumbed to the thrill of
power. He slipped the ring on
his finger and was lost. Gollum
bites the ring from his hand.
I remember being really disturbed
by that when I read it. I was
too young to understand how
easy it can be to lose track
of your purpose. I wanted the
easier narrative of the hero
who always makes the right choice.
But Frodo fails. His humanity
overwhelms his intention. And
everything looks grim. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then, Gollum makes his move.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0226027961&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">book</a>
that <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
gave me is about the rift between
Camus and Sarte. I doubt I can
synopsize it with any clarity
but it is the kind of book I
wish someone else was reading
with me. I want to be able to
look up from my book and talk
with someone about it. They
were both so brilliant and engaged.
Their sense of themselves was
so invested in the evolution
of their ideas and so troubled
by how the world valued those
ideas. In one part of the book
the author suggests that Camus
distanced himself from ideas
and Sartre without seeming to
understand what the ideas were.
I think it was more that Camus
was less interested in ideas
and more interested in a sense
wrought from experience. And
Sartre? I'm still not sure.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was watching Frodo on the
precipice, sliding on the ring,
valuing the thing and not the
meaning, I thought about Camus
and Sartre. Valuing their articulation
of ideas and the associated
credibility. And not knowing
when to let go and when to hold
on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is all still moving around in
my brain and not clear. But
it's something I think about
a lot. When to let go and when
to hold on. What is a true purpose,
or value? And what is a position,
held so long that it has lost
relevance? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/">Loren
Webster</a> has been writing about
the Tao Teh Ching and issues
of translation. So interesting.
And this section of the Tao
Teh Ching was in his <a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/000666.html#000666">post
yesterday</a>. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="343">
<tr>
<td width="337"><P class=quote align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><EM><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The Disease of Knowing</span></font></EM><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> To know and yet (think) we do not
know is the highest attainment; not to know (and yet think) we do know is a
disease.<BR><BR>It is simply by being pained at (the thought of) having this
disease that we are preserved from it. The sage has not the disease. He knows
the pain that would be inseparable from it, and therefore he does not have
it.<BR><BR>This recognition of fallibility is probably one of the wise man�s
greatest strengths in finding truth, though it is certainly less valuable when
it comes to convincing others you have found that truth.<BR></span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Loren
says:</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="392">
<tr>
<td width="386"><P align=justify style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There seems to be a fine line between �knowing that you do not
know� and lacking conviction. For instance, I long ago began to avoid religious
arguments with �true believers� because I was far too willing to admit
possibilities while they were absolutely sure that they knew the �truth,� a
truth I found ultimately unknowable. I�m sure these �true believers� took this
to mean that I agreed with their position, or, at the very least, that I could
do nothing to refute their �truths.� All it really meant was that I had cut
myself off from any truth that they might have known. </span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
strange as it may seem, I thought
about that while watching Frodo
on the precipice. I thought about
the complexity of that moment.
Frodo failed. He didn't let
go. It took an attack from another,
more obsessed (or possessed)
than Frodo, to snap him back
into action. It is an uncertain
victory. And that's what I hated
when I was seventeen and love now, at almost fifty one.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I was wound up while I was watching because me and the
grrrl gang had double cappuccinos and cupcakes and then
came back to the apartment to listen to <a href="http://www.meatloaf.net/">Meatloaf</a>
and play with the tarot. Kate is interested in the
<a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000927.html#000927">Ace
of Swords</a> so I've been talking about it a lot. I
read it as the right use of will. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
were plenty of swords in the movie. Plenty of moments
of will. Eowyn in battle. Not a man. Nothing like a
man. And that is what ensures her victory. Maybe there
are times and places when we need to pick up a sword.
But I feel more like I am on cliff above a river
of fire. Struggling with letting go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1015)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1015"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e714" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e714"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e714"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.cocokat.com/archives/000786.php">Laurie.</a>
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="322">
<tr>
<td width="316"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Please answer the following questions and leave your answers in the comments.
</span></font></P>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">1. Who are you?<BR>2. Have we ever met?<BR>3. Give me a nickname and explain
why you picked it.<BR>4. Describe me in one word.<BR>5. What reminds you of
me?<BR>6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?<BR>7. Ever wanted to
tell me something but couldn't?<BR>8. Are you going to put this on your weblog
and see what I say about you?<BR>9. What do you love with a lust that can almost
never be satisfied? [</span></font><I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Question changed to be much less obnoxious and
rude.</span></font></I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">]<BR>10. What makes you come back here?<BR></span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Question
8. It was too much of a dare. How could I not? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1016)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1016"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e715" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e715"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e715"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Juneteenth!!!!</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="437">
<tr>
<td width="431">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><b><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/18/national/18june.html?ex=1402891200&en=81d7a9a2f150231c&ei=5007&partner=USERLAND">You'd think the end of slavery would be a holiday for all Americans</a></b>," said Wade
Woods, a member of the committee for Juneteenth in San Francisco, often cited as
the oldest civic celebration outside the Southwest; Texas' neighboring states
also have extensive celebrations. In the 1950's, Mr. Woods said, a transplanted
Texan named Wesley Johnson put Juneteenth on the map there by annually donning a
ten-gallon hat and riding a white horse down Fillmore Street - then the main
drag of the black neighborhood. Via <a href="http://www.negrophile.com/">Negrophile</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1017)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1017"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e716" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e716"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e716"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="426">
<tr>
<td width="420">
<p><img src="Birthdayone.jpg" width="422" height="414" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>Fifty
Years Later</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
always been a source of irony for me that father's day
occasionally falls on my birthday. I didn't meet my
father until I was twelve. I had the experience, more
than once, of calling my dad to say happy father's day,
on my birthday and we hung up without him saying happy
birthday. He just didn't remember. I won't have that
problem this year. His spirit was poured back into the
cosmic soup this year. He is star dust and golden. For me, he
is as he has always been, a far away man. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
Maybe he's very close now. Maybe he is whispering in
my ear. Maybe instead of haunting me the way the idea
of him always has, he is haunting me now, more real
than he could have been while in a body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
scene in The Return of the King <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e713">I
wrote about the other day</a> was followed
by a scene in which Eowyn is talking to
her father as he dies. She tells him she
will save him and he tells her she already
has and he tells her to let him go. I wept
hot tears through that one.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
year, when I was turning 50, and I was finishing my
MFA after a six year push to "get college", I kept saying
that it seemed like it should be a pinnacle. But it felt
like a cliff. One year later. It has turned out to be
a wide arid desert. I feel like I've been on my
belly. Crawling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways this has been the worst of my
life. It feels wrong to say that because
I have a place to live and food to eat.
And there were years when none of that was
true. I have abundant support from gracious
friends. I do not get up to go to a job
I hate. And there were years when that was
true. But after the "get college"
and finish the book push I seem to have
crashed. It feels like everything I do is
not quite enough. I feel like it takes all
my effort to just wake up and keep ... trying.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I didn't get the grant I felt so lost. So
I've spent the last few days just trying
stay centered and calm. I'm only relatively
successful. The time I spend looking for
a job every day brings on a spasm of misery.
I have it tucked between breakfast and yoga,
which demands a lot from my yoga practice.
My desire to know and hold what's going
on the world is often wearing. I feel more
fear and anger than I can speak about most
of the time. I'm told to take news breaks
and I try. But I want to know. I want to
understand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there have been other things. Things I don't
want to write about. Or maybe I do. Sometimes it might be better to be silent.
I can't be sure and so ... I'm trying to
at least not make things worse. But every day is filled
with manic cycling and the things I do to
regain balance. It's exhausting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also read and watch movies and talk with
friends and play with my grrrl gang and
make dinner. Every day I am aware of how
fortunate I am. And I blog. Blogging is a
lifeline. Blogging is a reminder of the
wide world and the billions of beating hearts
and the stories. Oh, I how love the stories.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Technically
I'm not fifty one until 4:35 AM. I thought
about waking up to post at the moment of
my birth. I'm almost always awake then anyway.
But. The grrrl gang came over and we ate
roasted chicken and potatoes and chard. We watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=21835348&srchTrk=10310000085007b00b800b9.21835348.21306&mqso=60181276">a
movie</a> and ate cannoli. They're sleeping on the futon
so they can make me breakfast. We checked on the cost of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e702">the
tattoo</a> the other day. It's more money than
I should spend on anything that isn't food
or bill paying. Not that that stops me from
spending. I like the tattoo guy. He does
beautiful work. I'm still thinking about
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fifty one is a six year. Six is about balance. I must find a way to
be more creative and problem solving. I
must make the effort to get up from my crawling.
I'm not sure how old I was when I learned
to walk the first time. But. Somehow. I need to remember
how again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I need to believe in love. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And redemption. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
And possibility.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1018)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1018"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<P><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The most important point is to accept yourself and stand on your two
feet. -<a href="http://www.cuke.com/lectures/quotes%20from%20CC.html">Shunryu
Suzuki Roshi</a></span></font></P>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e717" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e717"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e717"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
grrl gang was still in deep
zzz's when I woke up. I crept
to the computer and read blogs.
I pulled the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/fives.shtml">five
of rods</a> for the day, which
made me tense right away. I
mean, it's not like I take the
cards as anything absolute but
I've been trying to be ...uh...open.
And I wasn't open to that message.
For me that card is about struggle
and conflicting agendas and,
in a way it proved apt. The
grrl gang woke up late and slow
moving and lacking a plan. We
went to a cafe for breakfast.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't really want to be out. In
public. With strangers.
And I became a storm. Dark and
brooding. They went off into
their day and I went deeper
into my storm. Lynn called and
I talked out some of the storm.
And then the mighty Premji called
and I felt every cell of my
body relax. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a>. I like reading there
on Sunday afternoons. I'm not
sure why. Maybe it's the quiet,
contemplative nature of the
day. Mark had linked up some
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi and I wandered
through it until I stumbled
upon <a href="http://www.cuke.com/lectures/quotes%20from%20CC.html">the
page</a> with my new epigraph.
Something about the idea of
standing on my own feet. Echo
of my desire to learn to walk
again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I took a second shower.
The first one had been rushed
and, also, too, sometimes a
grrl just has to spend some
time with her shower massage.
I slathered up in <a href="http://www.kissmyface.com/Product/Kiss+My+Face/Shower+Gels/1401667EA/">healing</a>
<a href="http://eoproducts.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=EO+Products&Product_Code=ShowerGel&Category_Code=Bath%26Shower">scents</a> and
... well ...you know. After
that the cells of my body relaxed
a little deeper. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/128771/2">K3</a>
wanted to make me dinner and
chocolate cake but they're dealing
with a lot these days and my
mood was too fragile. I thought I might
take myself out. I like taking
a book and reading and eating
alone in a restaurant. But I
went for left over chicken and
potatoes and (by then) way too
cooked chard. No cake. But a
stack of <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">Newman-O's</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I listened to <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=1042099">Poetic
Champions Compose</a> and danced
a little bit. it's one of those
disks. My heart opens. My head
clears. And I need to sway.
It was a solstice birthday.
I want that magic and mystery.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tossed the cards for the year
and got a reading that didn't
totally make sense but wasn't
all together negative My card
for the year is the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/knights.shtml">Knight
of Cups.</a> With a card like
that ... you just have to wait
and see.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thank
you. Everyone who left a comment. I want to grab you
and kiss you on both cheeks. I want to hug you so tight
and kiss your cheeks again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thank
you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1019)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1019"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e718" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e718"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">une</font></a><a id="e718"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
sucks. And I wish it weren't. But <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000997.html#000997">it's
just so true.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1020)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1020"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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</td>
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</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e719" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e719"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e719"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
year Adrienne <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e280">took
me out for lunch</a> and sent
me a picture of the Buddha in
her garden with a rose. This
year she took me to dinner at
Da Flora and brought me the Buddha with
a big daisy. </span></font></p>
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<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Da
Flora, as always, was fantastic.</span></font></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.eatdrinksf.com/daflora.htm"><img src="Da Flora.jpg" width="400" height="396" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
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</table>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had ravioli with corn and cherry
tomatoes and prawns.</span></font></p>
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<tr>
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<p><img src="Dinner.jpg" width="180" height="239" border="0"></p>
</td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
drank wine and ate a peach tart
and chocolate cake. Mary Beth
and Flora always make me feel
like family. They didn't know
it had just been my birthday
but they make me feel like it's
always my birthday. Adrienne is family.
I could talk to her forever.
It was a restorative evening
after a long troubled day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got another rejection letter
from another journal. This is
what you're supposed to be able
to deal with as a writer. Rejection.
It's just so fucking hard. I
stood at the kitchen sink with my head in my hands feeling
myself come apart. Wondering if I could put myself back
together again. Again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anais
says that Proust says that happiness
is the absence of fever. And
she says that if that is true
she will never know happiness
because she has a fever for
knowledge, experience and creation.
I smiled when I read that. I've
been in a fever all month. I
look at the picture of the Buddha
and read my bit of
Shunryu Suzuki Roshi and I think
that I need to shake off the
fever. I need to sit and breathe
and be alive in the present.
I need to summon up some Buddhist detachment.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is so much in my life for which
I am grateful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
sometimes fevers need to burn
out. This one was fired by broken hope
and longing and a promise of
friendship that cracked when I didn't behave. The
fever seems to still
be seething just beneath my
skin. Last night I sat in a
beautiful restaurant eating
perfect food served by wonderful
women and had great Gemini conversation
with my sister twin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Feed a
fever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
suck at Buddhist detachment.
I am attached to all these stories.
These passionate pleasures of
the flesh and the mind. If happiness
is the absence of fever I chose
misery. For all the angst and
misery and loss there is the
taste of corn and tarragon.
The story of the quartz in the
ground where the wine is from and a monastery on a hill.
The perfect phrase from the
mouth of a friend saying something
exactly the way it should be
said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
even in the glow of all that comfort the ache in my
heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Ya know. I'll do my yoga. And look at the picture of
a daisy in the lap of the Lord. And I'll let the fever
cook me. Somehow. It will all be. What it is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1021)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1021"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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</td>
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</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e720" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e720"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">une</font></a><a id="e720"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:55
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am one of those paintings by Frida. You know the ones
in which her internal organs are on the outside. Even
in all that comfort. The ache.</span></font></p>
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<p><img src="outside.jpg" width="375" height="260" border="0"></p>
</td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1022)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1022"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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</td>
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</td>
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<p> </p>
</td>
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</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e721" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e721"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">une</font></a><a id="e721"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:09
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
I'm reading Anais again I decided
to watch <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=583841&srchTrk=10110000037000d000c0000.583841.1017485&mqso=60177680&OVRAW=henry%20and%20june&OVKEY=henry%20and%20june&OVMTC=standard">the
movie</a>. I'd seen it before
and even as it was getting started
I thought it was a mistake to
watch. It just didn't seem like
I should spend more time feeding
my fever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
turned out to not be so bad.
And I'm still not sure why.
I have the heart ripped out
of the chest pain. It didn't
get worse. It didn't get better.
I wish I had a theory about
why. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except.
Maybe. Things can only hurt
as bad as they hurt. I learned
that when my foot was under
the wheel of a truck. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Knowing
how I love the chocolate/coconut
combo, Deb always makes me macaroons
for my birthday. She showed
up with them right at dinner
time so we went to ... Da Flora!!
I've wanted to go there with
her. It was funny. I don't go
for a year and then I'm there
two nights in a row. Although,
as much as I love it, it's a
bit much for me to eat that
much that late two nights in
a row. Not that I'm complaining.
I am not complaining. Being
taken out to dinner is a good
thing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
year I got an e-mail from a
blogger who I much admire. He talked
about my dispassionate objectivity.
He mentioned a <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August03.htm#e363">couple</a>
of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/September2003.htm#e365">posts.</a>
I kept the e-mail. It meant
so much to me. I keep trying
to delete it and I can't. I
value the opinion. I treasure
it. Dispassionate? Objective?
Well. Not so much. Not lately.
And there's more than one reason
for that. But. I'll be OK. As
soon as I get this throbbing
blood pump tucked back inside.
And I will.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night. When my head hit the
pillow. I said to myself. Self.
Oh dear self. Let the fuck go.
Please. And I think it may have
worked. This morning I pulled
<a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000697.html#000697">a
card.</a> The Trinity Doughnuts description is uncannily
perfect and comforting. In an odd sort of way. </span></font></p>
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<td width="337">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I find that in fiction writing, judgment that is very absolute. If it �just
doesn�t work� for your readers, it just doesn�t. There�s no way to sniff out one
by one everyone who reads your story and explain your reasons for writing it
that way. That�s one of the frustrating and ultimately liberating things about
writing fiction; in the long run, you�ve no one to argue with, no one to
threaten if they don�t see it your way, and often, no one congratulating you on
your vision. You can�t accuse someone of �being judgmental� of your fiction, if
what�s really happening is they just aren�t buying what you�re selling. You
simply have to accept their judgment.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Self.
Oh dear self. Take that heart in both hands and gently
pull it back into the center of your chest. Where it
belongs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1023)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1023"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e722" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e722"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e722"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Clinton
has been on the screen a lot lately. Pushing his book.
I've listened to a little bit of all of it. He's a charmer.
When I watch him I always feel like he's saying, "You
like me don't you?" And I'm not being harsh because
I think I do something similar. Maybe all fatherless
children do.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I were him, I'd be sick of the constant questioning
about his big transgression. I never cared. I cared
about NAFTA, GATT, don't ask/don't tell, the dismantling
of welfare, the broken promise of health care. I cared
about a lot of things. What he did or didn't do with
a cigar was not the least bit interesting to me. I don't
even really care that he lied. In a sexually idiotic
culture, we all lie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Given
that, he is so defensive. He gets so pissy when he feels
uncomfortable. I remember when <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/06/21/1613218">Amy
Goodman got the interview</a> he was not expecting to
give. It was cool that he answered her questions. And,
he got more and more defensive as the questions got
more and more direct. He accused Amy of being hostile,
combative and disrespectful. Amy has one of the most
even tones ever heard from a journalist. He just didn't
like the questions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
is the true believer. Kind of like a puppy. Earnest.
Willing. "You like me don't you? "</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
certainly was a difference when he was in office. There
are differences. But he took the Democratic party to
the right and there they stay. Today Kerry is making
a <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/06/24/MNG547B7PP1.DTL">similar
promise</a> about health care, avoiding the same sex
marriage issue and articulating a war rhetoric that
claims to be different but is really still war rhetoric.
It's a tired politic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'll vote for him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
Clinton I can't help but think about the vigor of the
attack on him. Every minute that he was in office he
was under attack. Mean spirited, relentless attack.
And now we have silencing. mean spirited, relentless
silencing. Oh, yeah. There are differences. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
yet, there is a more pernicious silencing. It's the
silencing we do to each other. Mention Nader and feel
the threat. Talk about Kucinich and watch the eye roll.
Our fear has captured the conversation. We slouch toward
the polls resigned to voting against and not for. Me
too. I'll be there. Pen in hand. No courage of conviction.
Just a horror driven hand shaking vote to make the boy
prince go away. Please. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are reduced. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first vote I cast for Clinton was a vote for. I wasn't
as engaged the second time but it was still for. Right
now, I just want to put my arm around him and
say, "Yes baby. I like you. And now can we tell
some truth?" </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1024)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1024"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Personally I'm somewhere between believing in the possibility of atonement and
reparation, and wanting to say "execute all the brutes," like Kurtz in </span></font><I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Heart
of Darkness</span></font></I><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">. -
<a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/unbound/interviews/int2004-06-22.htm">Edwidge Danticat </a></span></font> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e723" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e723"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">une</font></a><a id="e723"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
a few days I was an <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=rodent">adorable
little rodent</a>. And then
I dropped back to being a <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php?start=bird">flappy
bird</a>. Which, I must say,
I sort of prefer. It seems to
be a matter of a hit or two
a day. Although, I don't totally
get it. And I don't totally
care. Which is not to say that
I don't care if people read
me. I really. Really. Really.
Care. I am comforted by the
fact that people read me. In
ways I am deeply dependant on
that fact. I survive these rejections
of my writing by agents and
journals by reminding myself
that people come here to read
me. I'm just suspicious of the
evolutionary theory. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Adrienne
and I were musing about the
fact that when I was in school
and owned a coffee cart I was
in public for hours every day.
And now I am a recluse. Except
for the fact that I write about
taking a shower on the world
wide web. And people stop by
to read about it. So many stopped
by the other day that I evolved.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hmmm.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Was
it the shower story? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was half watching West Wing.
And there was this moment when
the music did the thing that
it does to let you know something
is going to happen. Something
important and meaningful.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want that music. Maybe I'm missing
things. And maybe if I had that
music I wouldn't miss them.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kurt
wrote <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000632.html#000632">this
poem.</a> I can't stop reading
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't miss everything. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
years I've been writing narrative lines for the gods.
Scripts. Stories about how it all works out. Those have
been rejected too. They hand me the rewrite every morning.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up too early. Full of narrative lines. I decided
to write in my paper journal. The last time I wrote
there it was October, 5 2003. I stopped writing in it
because my hand writing is so bad and I wasn't writing
well. It's been frustrating for me that I don't write
there. I wrote a few pages and my hand began to cramp.
Back to bed for more restless jerky not sleep and woe
is me narrative lines</span></font></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.tate.org.uk/servlet/ViewWork?cgroupid=999999961&workid=2147&searchid=6863"><img src="Chagall.jpg" width="188" height="256" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000697.html#000697">Again</a>.
Phew. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1025)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1025"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="743" bgcolor="white">
<table align="center" border="0" width="721">
<tr>
<td width="715"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e724" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e724"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e724"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is, sort of, an inward way of
being. In a general sense. And
an outward way of being. By
which I mean there are people
who do things. Projects. Outward
things. And people who can spend
the day inside their own head.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Guess
which one I am?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
problem with being in my head
these days is that it isn't
really a very nice place to
be. I am quite mentally ill
just at the moment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's just.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Such. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A drag. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am blessed with friends who
call to talk. Or stop by to
visit. Or send e-mail. Or bring
me Gerber daisies. So. I pull
up out of the madness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> I fall. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I roasted zucchini and cherry
tomatoes and piled them on a
spelt/corn meal crust from <a href="http://www.hayesstreetgrill.com/vicolo.html?">Vicolo</a>.
Swacked some goat cheese on
top. Ate while I read. Wished
for fresh basil. See now ...
I could plant a pot or two.
That
would be an outward thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
sort of hate the kind of thinking
that draws a distinction between
being in one's head and/or being
in one's body. When someone
says that a person is "in
their head" I always feel
like they're saying - ew, that
person thinks. I actually like
my head. I like the sound of
my own thinking. But. Not just
now. Just now the shadows are
having their say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I think about all the people
I know who have projects. I
finished <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e685">the
hat</a> for <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/128771">Jan.</a>
And one for Renee. If I had
a camera I would be one of those
people who has projects and
takes pictures of them. Damn.
I admire the people with projects.
I admire the people who don't
spend time thinking about things
that are what they are and can't
be other than what they are.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Me?
I'm just trying to pull my heart
back into my chest. Where, I'm
hoping, it can rest. Swear to
God. If I can get it back in there, I will never let
it out again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have some nice purple yarn.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
must be a project I can do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
pulled <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/001081.html#001081">the
Moon</a> today. And I smiled. Because I have been in
a deep internal and toxic inner chaos. And I need to
...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
That's the problem. What? How? How do I move from too
far in to maybe just a little out? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Swear
to God. Somebody write me a check. I'll make a restaurant.
I'll pour my life into it. I'll be out every day. Talking
to purveyors. Joking with dishwashers. It'll be great.
You'll want to be there every day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
might not get much writing done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1026)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1026"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e725" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e725"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e725"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001311.php">Paul
says to get out of IE.</a>. I know he's right. Mark
has </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="55">
<tr>
<td width="49">
<p><a href="http://www.tbray.org/ongoing/When/200x/2003/07/17/BrowserDream"><img src="noie.gif" width="45" height="46" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">linked
on <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
honest and somewhat embarrassing truth is that I started
using IE because of the color slide bar. <a href="http://redpolka.org/blog/">April</a>
wrote about not liking the color slide bar once. I tried
to find her post but I couldn't. Before my thing
for the slide bar I was all about Netscape. And that
was about anyone but Microsoft. I also have Opera. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I decided to use Opera. When I first opened it the books
in my <a href="http://www.allconsuming.net/">All Consuming</a>
thing were wrong on my page. I went into AC to try and
tweak things. But I couldn't get it to change. And there
were no numbers on my comments. I went to Netscape for
a while and then came back to Opera and the books and
comment numbers were there. What is that about? Oh don't
tell me. I'll get a headache. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still in the uses-tables dunce class. This most recent
design was, in part, about my side bar. I was never
able to get it to stay at the top. Someone sent me some
code once but I lost it. I decided that I 'd make the
side pretty and keep the side bar low. If it moves around
I don't care because the pretty flowers are there. Inept,
seat of my pants design. I know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know I have some spy ware. I clicked on something stupid
recently and boom. I was in pop up hell. I got <a href="http://spybot.eon.net.au/index.php?page=home">something</a>
<a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/blogger.html">Meg</a>
<a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/gator.html">recommended</a>.
It seems to help. Opera seems faster. So. There ya have
it. No more IE. No more colored slide bar. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sniff.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1027)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1027"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e726" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e726"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e726"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
pride weekend post is always
the same. I like to link the
<a href="http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm">straight
privilege list.</a> I think
it's important to consider the ways in which we are
passively complicit with oppression. Last year reading
the list triggered my <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2003.htm#e412">thin
and average sized person privilege list</a>. I've been
meaning to make a page for the list. Pull the comments
(if I can still access them) and add them to the list.
Links to other people who joined in. Yeah. Maybe I'll
do that today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Margaret
and I were talking about the differences she notices
since her wedding. The words "my husband"
seem to open doors and grant credibility. It's subtle.
The parade today is <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/06/27/MNGFQ7D26Q1.DTL">a
celebration of gay marriage</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still have issues with marriage. Suzanne says she likes
her outlaw identity. She isn't interested in joining
the ranks of the "normal." I agree. And yet, I
still want to celebrate. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="153">
<tr>
<td width="147">
<p><a href="http://www.sfpride.org/heritage/givethemhope.htm"><img src="stharvey-150px.jpg" width="150" height="194" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Pride.
It's an interesting word. Harvey talked about visibility.
The parade is a carnival of visibility. I love it. But
I'm always aware of the distance. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="324">
<tr>
<td width="318">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">With gay, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders still losing jobs, still having a
cement ceiling and having to worry about our physical safety," <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/06/27/LVGTT79OJB1.DTL">she said,</a> "the
day when being transgendered will be as unremarkable as your hair color, that's
not a vision I can easily entertain</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1028)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1028"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e727" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e727"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e727"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Imagine.
You've been together for 53 years. And <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/28/ba_gayparade101.jpg&paper=news&file=state1739EDT0041.DTL&directory=/news/archive/2004/06/27&type=news">you're
a newly wed.</a> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="246">
<tr>
<td width="240">
<p><a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/powazek.9904803?zoom=yes&refby=powazek"><img src="just married.jpg" width="240" height="240" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
watching <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/06/27/state1739EDT0041.DTL">the
parade</a> for the second time. San Francisco. I just
love it here.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
morning post was vague. I'm distracted and narcoleptic
today. Drugged with emotion and. The fever. Pride is
the antidote for shame. And I wish there were no shame.
I wish there never had been any shame. But I feel proud
to live here. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
parade. Goodgawd. <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?paper=news&file=state1739EDT0041.DTL&directory=/news/archive/2004/06/27&type=news&object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/28/ba_gayparade022.jpg">Everybody</a>.
So <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?paper=news&file=state1739EDT0041.DTL&directory=/news/archive/2004/06/27&type=news&object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/06/28/ba_gayparade092.jpg">beautiful.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Love
and justice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1029)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1029"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e728" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e728"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e728"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
gosh. I figured out that for
five bucks a year I can
get back all my archived comments
and get e-mail notification
for new ones. Sometimes I'm
slow. And unemployment makes
it hard to want to spend money.
But five bucks a year? I think
I can afford it. After a frustrating
amount of time trying to figure
out why YAACS didn't seem to
know I'd sprung for the five
spot, I read that it might take
two weeks. All this research
was because I wanted the comments from the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2003.htm#e412">privilege
list</a> so that I could make a page for it. And I will
make a page for it when I can access them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's
time to reregister the domain.
There's always something.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up a few times last night from dreams in which
I was discussing the notion of transgression and how
I'm always on the side of the transgressor. And the
dreams were full of petty crimes. I think it's because
I've been talking about the whole time of my life spent
in bars and on drugs. I've always had an outlaw identity.
Abbie Hoffman. <a href="http://www.tenant.net/Community/steal/">Steal
This Book</a>. Counter culture outlaw. Citizen
of the Woodstock nation. Watching the parade yesterday,
I saw the police chief and the sheriff and city assessor
and the mayor. Kids, families and leather boys, drag
queens, dykes on bikes, everyone. Marching for pride,
love, justice, visibility and inclusion. It was amazing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
truth of these communities is much more complex. There
is in-fighting and back stabbing. Politicing and showboating.
But yesterday was a time to let it all go, smile and
wave. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my emotional life the reasons for my outlaw identity
are also complex. And I've been working through
some things. But my goal isn't necessarily clear. I
want to take the time for all my emotions. My anger.
My grief. And the more abstract things like alienation.
In my emotional life transgression is just a place to
do some sorting and feel through. It seems like I need
to be where I am until I'm not there. I guess the tricky
part is knowing when you're stuck. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
what about when I'm the one who feels transgressed upon?
I guess. I'm always trying to understand how I'm
part of the crime. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my dreams there was a car theft. But it wasn't really
a theft. It was a borrow. And I was making sure no one
went to jail. Heh. Outlaw that I am. I dunno. Can you
be an justice outlaw? Is that oxymoronic? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I got my <a href="http://my.monster.com/l">Monster</a>
job list for the morning. There was a job for a Private
Investigator. A job for which I am remarkably unsuited.
But it made me laugh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Someone
asked me if I'd lost all hope. I haven't lost all hope.
I'm just sorting and feeling through. And waking up
with the word transgression and a need to defend. And
I pulled <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000844.html#000844">The
World</a>. So maybe I'm done with sorting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1030)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1030"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We
must include both
the tender-minded
and the tough-minded
within ourselves.
Because we cannot
permanently allow
one part of our
personality to be
cared for symbolically
by another. - Carl
Jung</span></font>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e729" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e729"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e729"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Long
slow release of breath.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
mighty Premji sent books with
a fancy book mark. So sweet.
So. So. So. Sweet.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2003/whatiwant/index.">What I
Want My Words To Do To You</a>.
I read <a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=006053429X">Couldn't
Keep It To My Self</a> awhile
ago. It took
me a long time to read it. So
many sad stories. Both titles
are provocative. Both speak
about the healing that writing
can provide and the hope of
passionate connection. Visibility.
The end of easy narrative. The
discomfort of ambivalence and
uncertainty. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oddly.
Perhaps. Or maybe not. These
women helped me to find some
clarity. They were so dignified.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
you have to let go and you don't want to. And you don't
really have a choice. Every minute that you're still
holding on is madness. Still, you don't want to let
go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Full
expand the chest inhale. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1031)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1031"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e730" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e730"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e730"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I got a note from someone suggesting a place to send
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">the
book</a>. The truth is I've kinda given up on the book.
There is one more place I have yet to hear from but
I wasn't doing the work of getting it out there. Or
finding an agent. Or much of anything. The note hit
me like a cool breeze.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
book becomes abstract for me sometimes. I worked so
hard on it. And now what? I guess there are ways in
which I wanted the book to carry me into the world.
Another abstraction. Whenever I print out a section
of the book it becomes real again. Holding the pages,
watching them pile up, the weight of them, it's such
a good feeling. So I sent it off with fingers crossed
and heart a flutter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love the feel of books. Sometimes I look at the books
on my shelf and remember reading them. They have presence.
I love that moment in the day when I sit down and open
a book. And I want to feel my own book in my hands.
I want it to have substance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">June
is almost over. Thankfuckinggawd. I want to love June
better than I do but I tend to arrive at my birthday
with a long list of failures. And this one was one of
the worst. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
suspicious of the notion of falling in love. I don't
really want to fall. I want to meet. I want to meet
someone. Both of us on our feet. But I do fall. Maybe
I read too many fairy tales. Maybe I think that love
for me would be nothing less than a miracle. Maybe it
always is a miracle. The list of maybes I have about
love is so long it would suck up all the bandwidth in
the world. But fall I do. And I have been fallen. Splayed.
Shattered. Part of me likes the swoon. I always have.
But maybe love is about meeting someone who catches
you when you fall. And maybe I get it all wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Somewhere.
Maybe there is someone who won't be afraid of my anger.
Over whelmed by my sadness. Someone who can meet me
where I am and look me in the eyes. Someone who can
hold all of who I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I haven't met them yet. And so I have been fallen. I
thought I might not be able to get up again. I though
I might not want to get up again. But I have been called
back to my feet by the generosity of people who love
me. I might not be all the way to standing. I might
just be on my knees. But I've been working on it. And
I will keep working on it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
the women in <a href="http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2003/whatiwant/index.">the
movie</a> called me back. The thing about writing is
that it comes from more than one part of who we are.
I want my writing to be skilled. I want my writing to
be literary. But mostly I want my writing to be real.
Those women were writing from their need. They were
writing to challenge the darkness that seeks to swallow
us all. Sometimes I think my book is a plea. And I like
that. I want to imagine someone holding it the way I
hold a new book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
do I want my words to do to you? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when someone reads my book they begin to tell me there
own story. I love that. We meet in a place where our
stories make us less alone. Sometimes when people read
my book they tell me that they never thought about what
it's like to be fat. One young man in my MFA program
told me it made him think about the way he doesn't look
at fat women. It was kinda cute. I don't really think
he went out and began to date fat women. But maybe.
Sometimes when people read the book they just like the
rhythm of the words. They just dig the feel. Ooooo.
I love that. I want my words to do what they do. I imagine
that will be different for different people. If anyone
gets to read it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean, you know, I could just put it up here. People
have done that. I like that. But I do have a desire
to hold it in my hand. To see it in someone else's hand.
I want it to have substance. I want that feeling I get
when I print it out and it becomes a stack of pages.
With weight. I like weight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
confidence has been shaken. My heart has another scar.
But maybe I just get something wrong. And either way,
I have to get back up and get to work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1032)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1032"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="164">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="38">
<p><img src="sqrose.jpg" width="33" height="30" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="138">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e731" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e731"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e731"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:32
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
made a <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/gfx/040628-democraticiraq-birthchart.gif">birth
chart</a> (<a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/2004/06/28/01.06.17/#more">more</a>)for
the "new" Iran. Since I've been
in the gloom and doom place
I hear everything with a
jaundice ear. Can an ear be
jaundice? Ick. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
really. I heard the news and
didn't even react. As I read
through the chart I began to
wish that this were a child.
Or even a beginning. But it
feels so perverse and manipulated.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com/2004_06_01_riverbendblog_archive.html#108757890670304280">River
articulates</a> what I fear.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="373">
<tr>
<td width="367">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The new government isn�t very different from the old Governing Council.
Some of the selfsame Puppets, in fact. It�s amusing to watch our
Karazai- Ghazi Ajeel Al-Yawer- trying to establish himself. It�s a bit
of a predicament for many an Iraqi, and possibly foreigners too. Here
he is- your typical Arab- the dark skin, dark hair and traditional
�dishdasha� wearing an �iggall� on his head and playing the role of
tribal sheikh quite well. </span></font><br><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Beyond these minor details, however,
he remains an ex-member of the Governing Council and was actually
selected by the Puppets, supposedly over the American preference- Adnan
Al-Pachichi (who is adamantly claiming he is *not* the American
preference at this point). That whole charade is laughable. It has been
quite clear from the very start that the Puppets do not breathe unless
Bremer asks them, very explicitly, to inhale and exhale. The last time
I checked, Puppets do not suddenly come to life and grow a conscience
unless a fairy godmother and Jiminy the Cricket are involved.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are people who will read this
(cough) early handover as a
sign of good faith. I don't
know any of them but I know
they're out there. And the <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/063004A.shtml">blood
keeps spilling</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the chart says Mars in Leo.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="354">
<tr>
<td width="348"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">You have a great deal of pride, and you enjoy doing things on your own
initiative. An appeal to your sense of fairness brings out the best in you, and
you will do anything to maintain these qualities.</span></font></P>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">At times you may act arrogant and domineering toward others. You can't always
be first, but you have such a need to be a leader that it may be difficult for
you to accept anyone else in this role.</span></font></P>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">You demand that others let you be yourself so you can run your life as you
want.</span></font></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Let's
hope. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1033)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1033"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e732" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e732"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">June</font></a><a id="e732"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:19
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
are you gonna do today?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
tellin ya. That's where all the trouble begins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1034)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1034"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
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