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<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>June 2003</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e259" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e259"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e256"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">1</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was talking to Mom last
night. She was telling me
everything that she doesn't
like about what Bush is
doing. She did vote for
him. But she isn't happy
about his environmental
policies and she thinks
the tax cut is ridiculous.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She
does think he and Laura
look like good people. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Picture
me with my eye fluttering,
my jaw dropped and my head
rolling around on my neck
as if it has just snapped
loose.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got a bunch of writing done
in the morning and then
went for coffee and dinner
with Renee. So I was in
a pretty good mood when
I was talking to Mom. When
she says things like that
I go into a kind of tilt
mode. I managed to shake
it off and get some more
writing done last night.
I am really enjoying the
work. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
there is a cycle. I'm thinking
about the structure and
I'm moving things and rewriting
parts and adding and subtracting
and it's feeling good and
then ..................my
brain just stops. Or I hate
it all so much I can't look
at it. So far I keep coming
back and re-engaging. It
feels like </font><a href="http://www.magneticpoetry.com/magnet/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.
No. Not really. I just saw
that at </font><a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mood
Swings</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ohmygawd.
It's June. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(560)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_560"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:51
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e260" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e260"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e260"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
eating French toast with
bananas & mangos. I
only eat French toast when
I have left over baguette.
Which I have today because
Abeer came over for dinner.
We ate some </font><a href="http://www.cowgirlcreamery.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">cheese</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and olives before pasta.
The pasta was </font><a href="http://www.austrianpumpkinoil.com/spelt_pasta.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">spelt</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with kale, corn and roasted
tomato. And we ate </font><a href="http://www.outofaflower.com/ouricecreams/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ice
cream</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Which flavors? Peach &
Champagne. And Chocolate
& Rum. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ya
know </font><a href="http://zeebah.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Zeebah</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has an idea for a recipe
blog. (Which I can't link
directly to because Blogger
is so dumb these days.I
mean really. I can't pages
to load. I can't get perma
links to work. Sheesh.)
</font><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/sj/archives/2003_04_01_archive.html#92835440"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan's
talked</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about one. </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has </font><a href="http://recipeblog.fullbleed.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">one</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But I don't really cook
from recipes. Maybe we could
have a group food writing
blog. Or some kind of pass
around meme. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
went swimming in the morning.
It was probably good for
me to get away from the
computer and the writing.
And today I got some stuff
to do that might keep me
to busy. But there's a buzz
in my head about the writing.
I wake up thinking about
it. That has to be good.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
my morning blog crawl I
read </font><a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/013268.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
posting about </font><a href="http://bodyandsoul.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_bodyandsoul_archive.html#95169121"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jeanne
D'Arc</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> posting about </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/06/02/MN301702.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">events
in Burma</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I read </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/06/01/MN256119.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
yesterday</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I started to write about
it and then I stopped. I
felt this overwhelming sense
of futility and sadness.
When I read Dru it felt
like some blood returned
to a place that's been cut
off. Because I was feeling
like I had nothing to say.
That other people were saying
it better. And that may
even be true. But there
is something important in
just speaking it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
is hard to keep the faith.
When </font><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A3076-2003Jun2.html?nav=hptop_tb"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">things
</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">keep
going ... uh ... badly.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(561)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_561"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:19
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e261" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e261"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e261"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">3</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://recipeblog.fullbleed.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
makes me giggle. It is just
too much fun. </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> is welcoming
all. And what would be a
good name? Full belly? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
was my first experience with the mighty </font><a href="http://www.movabletype.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">MT</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Now I see what every one is talking about. It is very
cool. And I love being notified about comments. It seems
that </font><a href="http://zeebah.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Zeebah</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
might be </font><a href="http://zeebahtronic.fullbleed.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">moving</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I could certainly understand anyone wanting to bail
from Blogger. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mike</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
posts news about </font><a href="http://www.mg.co.za/Content/l3.asp?ao=15077"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Amina
Lawal.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
And it would seem that her appeal has been </font><a href="http://www.amnesty.org.uk/action/aminalawal.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">postponed</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
again. Amnesty </font><a href="http://www.amnesty.org.uk/action/aminalawal/false.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">clears
up</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
the confusion about how they are involved with support
for Amina and the </font><a href="http://web.amnesty.org/pages/nga-010902-action-eng"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">call
to action</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is still going strong. My thought is that, with the
new August date for the trial, a new batch of letters
might be a good thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
does this thing in a side bar where he points to things
with a few words. He's pointing to </font><a href="http://doc.weblogs.com/2003/06/02#liveFromTheFcc"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
post with a bunch of links</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about the </font><a href="http://www.thenation.com/thebeat/index.mhtml?bid=1&pid=719"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">FCC
give away</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
of the public media with the words: "Relaxed?"
Closer to euthanized. Exactly. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Amp
has a </font><a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/000488.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">cartoon
up</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and it isn't even Wednesday. Does that mean we'll see
two this week? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.negroplease.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jason</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is </font><a href="http://www.aidsmarathon.com/participant.jsp?runner=LA-3311&year=2003"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">running</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Renee
gave me a ride to therapy and came and picked me up
and drove me home. Isn't she the sweetest? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got no writing done yesterday. I was just busy with
minutia all day. I gotta go do some writing. Now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(562)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_562"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:37
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e262" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e262"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e262"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">4</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
didn't sleep that well Monday night and it was hard
to focus my tired brain. But I did get some writing
done. But after a while I caved. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
watched </font><a href="http://www.iamjohnq.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">John
Q</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I was worried about that the movie would be too Hollywood.
And it was. Complete with relatively happy ending. But
it did dramatize the problems with our health care system.
I cried through a lot of it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then I worked some more. Until my brain started to disassemble.
And then I watched </font><a href="http://www.lordoftherings.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Lord of the Rings.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
My compliments go to </font><a href="http://yarinareth.net/David/elfling.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">David</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I read these books in high school and some of the story
seemed familiar and some did not. I used to wear a button
that said Frodo lives. So I enjoyed the film.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do always have trouble when the mutant bad guys have
dark skin and look like Aboriginals and the good guys
all have light skin. But I guess it has to be seen in
context, relative to the book. I just didn't love that
part.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Netflix thing is </font><a href="http://www.netflix.com/Default?mqso=60171579"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">cool</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Having movies around at all times is kinda fun. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got more sleep last night. So it should be easier to
work today. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
linked this bit about </font><a href="http://www.takebackthemedia.com/janeane.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Janeane
Garofalo</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
who needs e-mail support. And while I was there I saw
</font><a href="http://takebackthemedia.com/weinersuit.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
bit</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I used to watch MSNBC a lot more than I do. When </font><a href="http://www.savagestupidity.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
guy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
got a show I knew things were going down hill. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.savagestupidity.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Zeebah</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is signing folks up for the </font><a href="http://recipeblog.fullbleed.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">recipe
blog.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
getting back to work. Now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(563)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_563"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:44
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e263" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e263"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e263"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">5</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Writing
my book may be fucking up
my blogging. I was reading
my post from yesterday I
had to wonder how many times
a person can say, "And
then..." in one little
bit of writing. That is
how I was feeling when I
wrote it. And then. And
then. And then. I wasn't
really on the page. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
</font><a href="http://politics.guardian.co.uk/publicservices/story/0,11032,969353,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
might bring me back. So
the government can ask me
to sign a contract with
my doctor to eat a more
balanced diet and exercise
more? Oh. Wait. I don't
have a doctor. I can't afford
one. Well. That takes a
load off my mind. I do realize
that the article is from England but if they're doing
it there ... well. Do I seem paranoid? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
I listened to the Congressional debate on late
term abortion. The rhetoric was extreme and repulsive
and, ultimately, </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/06/05/MN225827.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">successful</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
This is a procedure that is rarely used and generally
used when the health of the mother is at great risk.
But do we care about the health of women? It is a horrible
procedure. I think few woman would opt for it in anything
less that dire circumstance. And make no mistake. It
is one more step toward dismantling the right to choose.
There will be </font><a href="http://www.plannedparenthood.org/about/pr/030604_abortion_ban.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
fight</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
it's the government walking into the doctors office
and telling them what they can and cannot do. Do I still
seem paranoid? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
truth is I can't even get it up for a good rant. I'm
too preoccupied. All my thinking is about solving the
problems of organization in THE BOOK. Which, I suppose,
is a good thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I did get a lot done yesterday. In the evening, when
I was beginning to melt down, I stopped, made a Greek
salad, poured a glass of wine and I
watched </font><a href="http://www.miramaxhighlights.com/original/theshippingnews/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Shipping News</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I remember when I saw the
trailers for this movie.
I thought - no way. I'd
read </font><a href="http://www.curledup.com/shipping.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
How were they going to capture
the quirkiness of that book?
They do a pretty good job.
And that's in no small part
due to Kevin Spacey. But
they make New Foundland look
beautiful. In the book it's
just grey on grey. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">OK.
I gotta do some work. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(564)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_564"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:59
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The world is not a pretty sight. Each day we are assaulted by random terror;
opportunistic diseases; the threat of economic instability. Aids devastates
families, communities and economies in Africa and beyond. We hear the rhetoric,
and see a bit of money flowing, but it's all so far removed, in countries "of
which we know little". And while we don't have to live with the consequences,
why should we know? - <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/g8/story/0,13365,967308,00.html">Bob
Gedolf</a></font></span></P> <p align="justify"><a id="e264" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e264"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e264"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">6</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Uh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I just
filled the tea pot with water. Put it on the stove.
Did NOT turn on the gas. Fixed some fruit and yoghurt.
Poured the NOT hot water into the glass with the
tea bag. Ate the fruit and yoghurt. And took a sip of
room temperature tea. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">What
is that about? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
didn't really work on writing yesterday. I talked on
the phone in the morning. Renee picked me up at 11:00
and we drove up to </font><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Craig</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and Adrienne's. They hired Renee to help paint a room
and I thought I'd just tag along. We stopped at Andonicos
and got a bunch of cheese and fruit and smoked
trout and smoked salmon and olive rolls and rosemary
rolls and arugala, radiccio, frizee and olives and ice
cream. AND lemonade. So we sat around and ate and not
much work got done. I'm not a good influence. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
it was nice to be away from the screen and sit in a
lush green place with dogs and cats and lovely friends.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Susan</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
linked up </font><a href="http://www.wired.com/news/politics/0,1283,59086,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">an
article</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about folks </font><a href="http://www.fraternet.com/magazine/g8english.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">blogging</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
from the </font><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/g8/story/0,13365,969286,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">G8</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I love </font><a href="http://www.fraternet.com/magazine/images/g8/autoroute.jpg"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(565)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_565"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:18
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p> <a id="e265" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e265"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e265"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">7</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Have
you read the book of </font><a href="http://www.sealander.com/Book_Form.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">bitterness</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cheryl
came over for dinner. I
made a shrimp and </font><a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm?prodID=11"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">sausage</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and frizee salad. I had
a couple of </font><a href="http://sfsalsa.com/FramesMain.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">salsas
and some blue corn chips</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Cher brought green tea and
ginger ice cream and wine.
Good. good. Good.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://youliveyourlifeasifitsreal.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ray</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
inked to </font><a href="http://www.blogdreams.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_blogdreams_archive.html#200390399"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Hmmmm.Lots of good questions.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the course of my morning reading I came across
a few </font><a href="http://www.veracity-or-mendacity.com/2003_06_01_archive.html#200371918"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">people</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
questioning why they write a blog or </font><a href="http://voirdire.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">expressing
a general state of ennui</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I don't read the blogger who wrote the post that Ray
linked to. I have a few times but not regularly. No
reason. And I did not read the blogger that she referrers
to who left a goodbye note and quit. I used to read
a blogger who recently did the same thing. Left a note
and quit. When I read it I thought about how that would
feel in a ...uh ...off blog relationship. I mean there
are folks on the web who I go to visit every day. I
couldn't do that off blog. I couldn't even have that
many phone conversations. But I can stop by and read
a post or two or ten. And I have some strong feelings
for some of those people. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
just like in off blog relationships I don't comment
as often as I should. I don't let people know that I'm
there. Reading. I don't communicate my affection. And
I don't respond to comments unless there's something
specific to respond to. And then I may write a whole
post in response. But even in off blog relationships
I tend to rely on the feeling between me and the other
person. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
complicated. There are bloggers who I felt connected
with and lost that feeling. I blame them. Heh. But really.
I've written a lot about coming across a blog cluster
and really trying to court and woo them. And I got limited
response. And I got my feelings hurt. And at a certain
point I felt like I needed to back away from the screen.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">One
of the ways a blogger relationship is expressed is through
links. That may be about wanting hits but it's also
about wanting to have your part of the conversation
included. I would write a big ol thang in response to
some on-line something, it wouldn't get linked, I'd
feel bad. I didn't like it. And my solution is to not
participate in some conversations that I might have
jumped to a year or so ago. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
felt a little lonely when I was doing </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/FatOneFifty.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
100</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I was really grateful to the folks who let me know they
were reading. I don't think people do online writing
with no hope for response. Or rarely. But I do have
to manage my emotions around it all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
question that I find compelling in the Dainty Dirty
post is what do we OWE each other. It's compelling because
it's something I think about in my off blog relationships.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Most
of my friends are in families. They have husbands, wives,
partners, children. They have jobs. They are busy. What
can I expect in terms of time and energy? What is asking
too much? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">As
far as blogging relationships go I find them as complex
and rewarding and vexing as my off blog relationships.
There are people who make my heart ache. There are people
who piss me off. There are people who just leave me
a little note every day. Sweet. Uncomplicated. Just
a little note full of news. When a blogger says
goodbye it's sad. I still check </font><a href="http://www.biggerhand.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Bigger
Hand</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to see if he's back. But I have too many friends who
I just don't see as often as I should/could. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't know. Most of the time I have to remind myself
that I do this writing for me. And when someone reads
it and likes it I get giddy with joy. But I have to
keep tracking the value back to my own intention. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
think I owe the people I read on line the same things
I owe the people I know off line. I try to tell the
truth and come from love. If I have issues I try to
be up front with those issues. But there are times when
I feel like those issues might be more than I (or they)
can take on. So if I can't say something nice I try
not to talk out loud. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
if I ever decide to quit...I'll let ya know. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(566)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_566"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:11
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I will never be someone who writes only about bird song, although I admire
birdsong highly - but not enough to withdraw from the historical world, for the
historical world is fascinating. What really interests me is the interweaving of
the historical and cosmic world. The cosmic world is unmoving - or rather, it
moves to a completely different rhythm. I shall never know how these worlds
coexist. They are in conflict yet they complement each other - and that merits
our reflection - <a href="http://www.polska2000.pl/en/authors/zagajewski_adam.html">Adam Zagajewski</a>
(via <a href="http://cassandrapages.blogspot.com/">Casandra
Pages)</a></span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e266" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e266"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e266"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">8</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
thought this was funny in
light of yesterday's post.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/D/dalirah/1054905418_trich_20_t.jpg" border="0" alt="md.jpg"><br>You are an enigma wrapped in a mystery, you blog<br>for yourself. You have your own reasons for<br>doing what you do. We are still glad your here!
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/dalirah/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20blogger%20am%20I%3F/"> <font size="-1">What kind of blogger am I?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>
</p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got it from </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The quiz. Not the attitude.
Heh. I don't really feel that self contained. I do care
if people read me. The question in the quiz about what
publishing tool you use is funny. There is a feel. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
meant to add a link to </font><a href="http://sweetnsour.org/traces/archives/000413.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Monica</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
yesterday in the post and I forgot. She posted a Clarice
Lispector story that seemed to fit in to the conversation.
Unintentionally. But apt none the less. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/060803A.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
President.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cynthia
stopped by yesterday with Cappuccino and ginger cookies.
That was fun. I was working on a section of writing
that was giving me trouble. I'm still chewing my lip
over it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
is what's great about the work right now. I'm thinking
about it all the time. I'm problem solving in my head,
even when I'm not in front of the screen. But it does
mean that I'm preoccupied. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(567)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_567"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:35
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p><a id="e267" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e267"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e267"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">9</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I was 19 I walked into a truck. Yes. It's true. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
lived in Washington D.C., right on the edge of Maryland.
I was going to college in </font><a href="http://www.montgomerycollege.edu/exploremc/takomaparkcampus.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Takoma
Park.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
So it was morning and I was walking to a class and a
German Shepherd came running across a yard and onto
the sidewalk. I thought I'd walk around him and I stepped
off the curb. The mirror of the truck hit the back of
my head and I went under the truck. Well. My right foot
went under the wheel of the truck. I was pulled down
and dragged a little bit. There was a hole torn in the
side of my ankle. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then there was a long surgery and a month in the hospital
and a month on crutches and a scar that looks as if
a bite was taken out of my ankle. It's a gruesome scar.
But I never think about it. And I can know someone for
a long time before they see the scar. Unless you come
to my house when I'm not wearing socks you might
never see it. I'm not hiding it. But I don't really
wear sandals in SF. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
of course at the swim people see it. And again, I forget
I have it. So every once in a while someone asks about
it. Which happened yesterday. It doesn't bother me.
It kinda makes me laugh because I do forget and it is
so gruesome. It seems like it might be hard to forget.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">As
an event it was significant because it happened at a
time in my life when I was trying to get my life together
as an adult. Er sumthin. I was studying psychology.
I wanted to be a therapist. I needed therapy. Heh. But
I didn't go back to college. I moved west. First to
SF and then to Boulder. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday,
before I went to the swim, I was listening to </font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/1pro_bio/1b_sunda.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sunday
Salon</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and they were talking about blogging with a few folks,
one of who was </font><a href="http://www.rebeccablood.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Rebecca</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I was calling in to say something and Deb rang
the buzzer to get into the apartment. Sometimes the
buzzer doesn't work. So I had to hang up and go down
the three flights of stairs to let her in. And I got
really pissed. Not at her. But because I couldn't say
my thing on the radio. I couldn't call back because
we needed to leave for the swim. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
frustrates me that I got so pissed. I really felt this
great need to be in the mix. And I feel like I lost
some balance. No one suffered because I was pissed.
I wasn't yelling at Deb or the buzzer or anything. But
I felt all this frustration. Over a local radio call
in show. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Which
I think is about needing to feel like I have something
to say and that people will want to hear it. It's fine
to want all that but when the need is so kicked up it
makes me feel ... yucky. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Back
in the days when I was sitting in a hospital waiting
for my foot to heal I felt stalled. I wanted to be out
in the world. And I think I've always felt stalled.
Or held back. Or not seen. Or heard. Or something not
quite clear. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(568)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_568"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:41
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e268" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">10</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
therapy last night I said,
"There's a girl in
Brazil who knows more about
my life than you guys."
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Monica
</font><a href="http://sweetnsour.org/traces/archives/000421.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">continues
the conversation</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">One
of the people who commented
on </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e265"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">my
post</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is one of my oldest friends.
Someone who I've known for
close to half my life.
We
stopped being friends a
long time ago. We're sisters
now. She is my family. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
been thinking about her
and that post and the notion
of comments and what function
they serve in on-line community
and what people OWE one
another. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Like
I said in my post, I don't
always comment. I don't
write. I don't call. I don't
send flowers. I bristle
at the idea of proving my
love. But I know that relationships
need care. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
fight depression a lot.
And I don't write about
it or talk about it sometimes.
Sometimes I do. Sometimes
I think I won't have any
friends someday because
I've been isolating and
feeling bad and not communicating.
And sometimes when you haven't
talked to a person for a
long time there's a funny
feeling, a shyness. And
when that goes away it feels
like you've never been apart.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I never feel like I owe
my friends. And I always
feel like I owe my friends.
Both things are true. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
a tension in being close for a long time. Especially
when you're someone who doesn't really trust love. For
me it's never like ...oh you say love me...well OK.
It's more like ... we'll see how long that lasts. We'll
see how long you love me if I'm not there for you every
time you call. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
fucked up. I learned it early. It's an old habit. Now
when I hear those voices I try to talk back. I try to
open my heart and be willing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
friend who left a comment and I have been through some
things. We've trusted each other. We've not trusted
each other. We've laughed at our own crazy hearts. We've
talked about it all. Months go by and we don't talk
at all. But there is almost never a day in which she
doesn't cross my mind. That's the thing with a sister.
They become part of you in a way that will not
be ignored. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">We've
survived conflict. I'm not sure that's what makes our
friendship so strong. Our friendship is rooted in shared
humor and intellect and attitude and bad behavior and
recovery and our quest for truth and our love of the
mundane. And those roots survived both storms and neglect.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't think on-line relationships are limited. Last
night in therapy I was talking about how real I think
on-line relationships can be. How passionate. And a
lot happens in a comment box. But I'm not always willing
to process in a comment box. So if I have an issue I
may just back away from the screen. Or not. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
look. Community is a many splendoured thing. There are
people who challenge me emotionally, intellectually,
politically. There are people who I go to for simplicity
and the joy of the day. There are people I've been reading
every day for a year or more who I never e-mail, never
leave a comment to, some who don't have comment boxes
and I have feelings for all of them. The other day,
when I realized that </font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cyndy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was back, I tried to leave her a comment and the Haloscan
server was not letting me in.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
there is something about going to a blog and seeing
a closed sign. I don't really blame people for wanting
to stop writing on line. There are many reasons. And
I read people who have taken long breaks. I'd go to
their blog every day just to check. Imagine doing that
off line. Imagine walking past someone's house every
day and looking to see if they're going to open the
door and say hi. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
yet. I think part of loving someone is learning how
to endure absence. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I
meant to add this part of a Lispector story posted by
</font></span><a href="http://sweetnsour.org/traces/archives/000413.php"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Monica</font></span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">
the other day. </font></span><i><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">"Already at this stage, the first signs of tension between us began to appear.
Sometimes one of us would call, we met, and had nothing to say to each other. We
were very young and didn't know how to remain in silence." </font></span></i><p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(569)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_569"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:26
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e269" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e269"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">10</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Wow.
This conversation keeps going.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cyndy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
wrote a fantastic metaphor </font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_06_01_archives.html#200409061"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">in
a post</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
that has my forehead knitted and my jaw tight. She points
to another blogger goodbye, which I won't link
but you can find it easily enough. It's another example
of someone who I only read a time or two and I liked
but didn't add to the roll. There really was no reason
for that other than I don't get through my blog
roll as it is. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So.
If you do read Cyndy and follow the links you will read
what has me all tight. I am hesitant to write about
the feelings I am having. I had my own unpleasant exchange
with a blogger who is referred to in the whole story.
They were on and off my blog roll in less than a few
weeks. I didn't talk about taking the person off my
roll. It didn't seem important. And I'm still not going
to get into a detailing of why I stopped reading the
person. This is all quite surreptitious and I am not
someone who likes to prevaricate. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
how do we handle conflict?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
someone comes to my blog and leaves a comment that is
an argument with something I've written I will respond.
When someone talks shit about me on their blog I might
respond. I might not. It would depend. When someone
talks shit about someone else ... it gets more complicated.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I will admit that when someone is writing stuff that
pisses me off there's a 50/50 chance that I will back
away from the screen. I've taken on a few people. When
I do my desire is to hold us both in some frame of dignity
and tell them my feelings as directly as possible. Occasionally
I lose my cool and mouth off. Once I said something
that really hurt someone. I felt like they took me the
wrong way but I felt like they were entitled to their
feelings. So I didn't argue. But I didn't really work
it out. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
what am I doing in this post? I'm trying not to jump
into the fray and be happy that someone who I found
disturbing is getting some criticism. But I am jumping
into the fray by writing the post. In part because I
like Cyndy and I think she's making a good point. Enough
already. Yeah. I feel that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
how do we handle conflict?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
a big topic and worthy of a lot of discussion. And I
doubt there are easy answers. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
try to write from my heart and my head. Sometimes things
get wonky. But it is quite amazing that people are so
willing to care about one another. Out loud. In public.
And there is a lot of love. A lot of love. But
ya know ... sometimes we bump into each other and I'm
not always sure what to do.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(570)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_570"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 10:00 <font size="1">PM</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e270" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e270"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">11</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Lots
of folks linking </font><a href="http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0610-11.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
up today. I love Moyers.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Uh.
</font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/06/06/findlaw.analysis.dean.wmd/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
think the answer is yes.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Please.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/bigfatmama/80622.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Angela
says she is supa fat</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Me too! </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.balloonhat.com/photoweek/week_60.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">is
too beeeyoootiful. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
last few days I've been going to bed late and trying
to sleep in. But my neighborhood is not conducive. Yesterday
the garbage truck, which makes plenty of noise on its
own, was parked by a car with a very sensitive alarm.
The alarm went off every time the truck loaded more
garbage. This morning my neighbor had a sneeze attack
that must have lasted twenty minutes. Oh well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I have to get a chunk of writing in the mail today or
tomorrow so that I can meet Stephen next week. Must
work now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(571)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_571"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:46 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e271" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e271"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">12</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
should do laundry. Should I do laundry? I'm not really
in the mood.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Every
time I print out any of the book I get big ol smile
on my face. Writing on a screen is great for editing
but holding the pages in your hand .... ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
It's too easy to feel like I'm not doing anything. Even
after six hours of writing. So I printed stuff for Stephen
and I need to get it in the mail. And I need to keep
working. But I'm not really in the mood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
squirmy. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(572)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_572"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:20 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e272" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e272"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">13</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
Friday the 13th! Cool. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
finished </font><a href="http://endeavor.med.nyu.edu/lit-med/lit-med-db/webdocs/webdescrips/grealy351-des-.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Autobiography
of a Face</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
filled with sadness. And I haven't shaken it. But I've
been trying to keep it at a distance. It's like I'm
circling it. Watching. Yeah I see ya. You won't swallow
me up again. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the later part of the book </font><a href="http://www.lucygrealy.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Lucy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
describes having men see her body and begin to
flirt with her until they see her face. And then they
would recoil. I had exactly the opposite experience.
Men would see my face, maybe in a car or something,
flirt and then see my body and hurl cruelty at me. It's
all too sad. It's too sad a thing to think about the
world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
working on section of writing that's about my early
twenties. And it was a time filled with self doubt and
fear. I worked my way out of it. But. In some ways
the doubt and fear never really go away. You just circle
them. Watchful. You position yourself. You keep them
in their place. And when they get lose and hit your
body you feel the shaking and you take big breaths
until it stops. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(573)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_573"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:13 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e273" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e273"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">14</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Happy
Birthday Adrienne!</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did not do the laundry on Thursday. But I did do it
yesterday.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Listened
to the news. </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast/06/13/powell.mideast/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Colin
Powell</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
said something about pushing for peace. Pushing. It
wasn't even the dumbest thing I heard yesterday but
it did make me shake my head and say a few bad words
of my own. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
use the word push. I talk about pushing against the
dominant paradigm. I think about </font><a href="http://www.patiencetaichi.com/push_hands.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">push
hands</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and the need for balance. But the idea is to push just
enough to keep your balance. Not push with tanks. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I may have lost all faith in </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/06/14/MN109701.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
Democratic party</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I think I say that about once a week. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.starhawk.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Starhawk</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was on </font><a href="http://www.livingroomradio.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Living
Room </font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">talking
about the </font><a href="http://www.palsolidarity.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">International
Solidarity Movement.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
She was there when </font><a href="http://www.networkingtheinternet.com/zxm-rachel-corrie.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Rachel
Corry</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was killed. You don't push with tanks.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
watched </font><a href="http://www.billyelliot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Billy
Elliot</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
last night and the end of </font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Moyers.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Folded the laundry.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(574)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_574"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:21 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e274" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e274"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">15</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
get the blues on Father's Day. For a variety of reasons
that I'm not gonna write about on line. There are things
that I feel the need to hold close. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Dad is in a senior citizens home in a small town
in Missouri. His list of ailments is long. But he still
smokes. Knowing that always makes me smile. He's always
been ... who he is. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I was three months old Mom and I got on a train and
left my father. We lived with her mother and father.
Grandmom told me that my father was dead. Mom would
explain that Grandmom didn't believe in divorce. I learned
that people tell the truth that they want to hear. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
met him when I was eight, or nine, or ten. There seems
to be some confusion about that. I'm confused. Mom has
one idea about when it was. I have another. I met him
but I never really had him. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ya
know? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
can't imagine the feeling of a father. Only a distant,
longed for mystery. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
sent him a card. It's always hard to find a card. It
has to be simple. No gushing gratitude. Just a simple
acknowledgement. I make on the computer them now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I mourn a little on Father's Day. For what he and I
never had. And I feel a little pissed at how hard I
have to work to accept what can not be changed. And
I feel adolescent and moody and miserable. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then it's Monday. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(575)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_575"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:25 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e274" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e274"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">15</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
get the blues on Father's Day. For a variety of reasons
that I'm not gonna write about on line. There are things
that I feel the need to hold close. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Dad is in a senior citizens home in a small town
in Missouri. His list of ailments is long. But he still
smokes. Knowing that always makes me smile. He's always
been ... who he is. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I was three months old Mom and I got on a train and
left my father. We lived with her mother and father.
Grandmom told me that my father was dead. Mom would
explain that Grandmom didn't believe in divorce. I learned
that people tell the truth that they want to hear. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
met him when I was eight, or nine, or ten. There seems
to be some confusion about that. I'm confused. Mom has
one idea about when it was. I have another. I met him
but I never really had him. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ya
know? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
can't imagine the feeling of a father. Only a distant,
longed for mystery. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
sent him a card. It's always hard to find a card. It
has to be simple. No gushing gratitude. Just a simple
acknowledgement. I make on the computer them now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I mourn a little on Father's Day. For what he and I
never had. And I feel a little pissed at how hard I
have to work to accept what can not be changed. And
I feel adolescent and moody and miserable. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then it's Monday. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(575)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_575"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:25 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e275" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e275"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">16</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
are things in my book about
my fathers. I had more than
one. The only absolute connection
between being fat and having
the biological father that I did was
his gene pool. Which isn't
actually where I got my
fat genes. But I did get
my height and big boned
body. Mom and her Mom and
her Mom's Mom were fat.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I thought that fat was a
pathology (as opposed to
a body type) I thought that
I was using my weight to
protect me from men. If
there was any truth to that
notion it was that being
fat doesn't really protect
you from heartache. There
are so many fat people with
so many different life experiences
that I'm uncomfortable drawing
correlations about fathers
and daughters and problems and
body type. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">However.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Our
fathers were cooked in the
patriarchy. Some of them
may have made their daughters
miserable about their bodies.
My father said things to
me about my mother's body
but when it came to me he
said something like ...
all the more to love. It
might have been a good thing.
Except. I never believed
him. He wasn't there. Loving
me. So. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
is such a frenzy of fat
hatred these days. I worry
that fathers use disapproval
of their daughter's bodies
to try and manipulate them
to lose weight. For their
(cough) health. I've heard
stories like that. I've
heard a story about a father
who locked his daughter
in the bathroom to keep
her away from food
when she gained weight.
And when she was old enough
to leave home she stopped
dieting, gained weight,
struggled with self hatred and eventually learned to
accept herself. Hard won self image. But. I've heard stories
of loving fathers who only
see beauty when they look
at their daughters. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.wnisker.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Scoop</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Nisker was on </font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">KPFA</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
yesterday interviewing </font><a href="http://www.robertbly.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Robert
Bly</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It was interesting. Sweet.
Scoop's daughter was there.
She read him a poem. It's
nice to listen to men talk
about self work. And I have
always wished men did more
of the work of articulating
feminism. That wasn't exactly
happening. But there were
some emotional moments. Talking
about fathers.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
was one call-in comment
for Mr.
Bly in which the caller
said he had been in one
of Bly's seminars years
ago and he felt that Bly
had been sexist and homophobic
and he asked him for an
apology. Bly said he wasn't
going to apologize for making
mistakes when he was young
and still learning. It seems
to me that an apology is
a very small gift to give.
And it can do so much to
heal. Bly is such a scrapper.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Meanwhile.
Thanks to </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I figured out what was hanging up my page yesterday.
I couldn't figure it out. The All Consuming site seems
to be down. Bummer. I took out the code until it comes
back. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(576)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_576"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:49 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e276" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e276"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">17</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I really do want someone
to </font><a href="http://hydra-island.com/properties-for-sale/PoetsView1/PoetsView1.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">buy me this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I want to be an expat. I
want to live somewhere else. I want to live next door
to a man who writes poems and songs. I
don't really want to meet
</font><a href="http://www.leonardcohen.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Leonard.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> I just want to
know that he's next door.
Or that he was once next
door. I will admit </font><a href="http://hydra-island.com/properties-for-sale/PoetsView1/PV1loo.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
bathroom</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
looks a little bit scary.
But if I got a bag of money...I'd
be there. And I would invite
you to come and visit.
We could read in the garden
and cook with olives and
lemons. And we could listen
for Leonard. And giggle.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was reading </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/HEALTH/diet.fitness/06/16/fitness.lifespan.ap/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
article</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about the relative health
benefits of exercise and
I was struck by the sentences
that say that men were most
likely to die if blah blah
blah. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Um.
As opposed to? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
mean clearly the writer
meant die sooner. And still
I have to ask ... as opposed
to? It's not that
I think people shouldn't
exercise. I think exercise
is cool. And I think it's
good to take care of yourself.
But I also think that people
are beginning to believe
that they can avoid death.
</font><a href="http://www.babaji.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Maybe
we can.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
But. I don't think we get
there with paranoia and obsession.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Some
people are going to work
for a high degree of fitness
and that's all good. And
other's are going to be
happy taking a walk every
day. And some people are
going to smoke and drink
and sit on their ass and
live long lives. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
have been times in my life
when I did formal exercise.
Mostly I just worked in
a kitchen, on my feet, lifting
pots, slinging hash. And
I've always walked. And
I want to move more than I
do. I like the ritual of
exercise. But, other than swimming, I haven't got
a ritual of my own right now.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
a crazy article because
it seems to be saying that
people who begin to do some
exercise aren't doing enough.
Jeez. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Take
a walk. Do some yoga. Swim.
Dance. It's fun. But fuck
the people who want to fill the gyms with paying members
lined up on tread mills, obedient to the social injunction
of being healthy. Health is about a lot of things. Sitting
in a garden, eating food that's made with olives and
lemons, talking to a friend you never thought you'd
get a chance to meet, or a friend you haven't seen in
too long, listening for the humming of the poet next
door, might be a very healthy thing. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(577)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_577"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:31 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Neo is such a bound prisoner, looking at the shadows of the Matrix. If Plato's
prisoner is released, however, he can get up and look around. He sees the cave,
sees a fire burning in the back, and so now can know that the reality he
formerly esteemed is produced by the fire throwing shadows from puppets that are
paraded in front of it. Plato doesn't say who has been parading these puppets.
Neo learns that it is the sentient computers. He sees how, because of this, he
has been manipulated rather like a puppet himself. At first it is hard to
believe, and the depth of the revelation makes him physically ill, but he cannot
deny it. -<a href="http://www.friesian.com/matrix.htm">Kelley
L. Ross PhD</a></font></span><p align="justify"><a id="e277" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e277"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">18</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/38/x_oped.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
is fun.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
My first op-ed. It's nice to have someone else publish
me. It's really thrilling and really weird. If I write
something here and I don't think it's that good I know
I can try again tomorrow. I have swung wildly from loving
the op-ed to thinking about the seven hundred ways I
coulda written it better. Imagine how much weirder that
will be with THE BOOK. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
it's ironic timing. Yesterday I
hung out with </font><a href="http://sugarday.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gabe.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
We went to the </font><a href="http://www.metreon.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Metreon</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to see </font><a href="http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Matrix.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
The Metreon is the matrix.
Constant noise, places to
play with (and buy) Sony
products, crap food, and
lights and it is just too
too much corporate hype
and buzz for me. But it was hard not to have fun because
Gabe was having fun. He played on the free Playstations
and was just digging it all. Watching him have fun made
it fun for me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then we got hot dogs
and HUGE Cokes and popcorn
for the movie.
We had a coupon. The Cokes
came with the popcorn and hot dog. When I see these
huge cups I am stunned. And there were free refills.
It is nuts. I drank
about an eighth of my Coke
and tossed it in the trash.
Ya know it was fun. But
we didn't even finish the popcorn.
It was just all too too
much. And Gabe asked for water.
He coulda had a refill on
the coke. The refills were
free. But he seemed to know
that water quenches thirst.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gabe
has always been in a charter school and there are no
soda machines. He likes soda. He may even chose soda
first. But he also drinks water. So
the whole soda thing. It's
just not real in my world.
But I can see that it is a problem in the matrix. Heh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Matrix: Reloaded. I liked it. The
fight scenes are kind of
beautiful. The car chase
was OK. I guess. But the
fight scenes were like dance.
And how much did I love
seeing </font><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A63771-2002Aug9¬Found=true"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cornell
West</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Interesting
theology. The need for purpose.
And how do we understand
the idea of choice? Oh.
And love. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">These
are all things that I am
stewing on these days. I
think purpose is a mighty
need but not always grand. Sometimes it's
about getting the kitchen
floor mopped. And sometime
it's about trying to influence
public policy makers to
think about things in a
different way. After enlightenment,
mop the kitchen floor. Choice? Well.
We are living in a matrix,
aren't we? And we do make
choices in that context.
The soda came with the popcorn.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And love? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Well.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'd
read a criticism somewhere
of the Neo & Trinity
vanilla sex goin on while
everyone else is getting
tribal in the cave. I was
prepared to not like it.
But I'd read </font><a href="http://www.negroplease.com/archives/000345.html#000345"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
post</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in the morning. And. Uh.
Well. I wasn't sure what
I thought. Or. Uh. Felt.
Ask me if I wanna be in the cave. Or in my own vanilla
room. No don't. Blush.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
guess I'm feeling less certain
these days. I have some
peace. But I'm watching
and waiting. And I have
some fear. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">What
I continue to like about
the Matrix theology, as
I see it, is the idea
the outcome is not always
written in stone. It's like
the kid says. All you gotta
remember is ... there is
no spoon. There are things
that are just too too much to take seriously.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And.
There are things to take on. I am mindful of the matrix
in which I live. And when public policy makers try to
use the fear of getting fat to get rid of soda machines
I wanna do the little hand gesture that Orpheus does.
You know the one? The arm extended, the palm up, the
fingers doing a BRING IT ON thang. Yeah. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(578)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_578"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:26 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Ariel"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
writer is something of a
shape-changer and trickster,
someone a little more treacherous,
eccentric, and transformed
by an inner life invisible
from the outside. She may
speak to you in complete
sentences about what her
day was like, but inside
another life is being lived,
one full of beauties and
monstrosities, upheavals
and transgressions. -Eric Maisel
via
<a href="http://cassandrapages.blogspot.com/">Cassandra
Pages</a> and <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_whiskeyriver_archive.html#105586733479839777">Whiskey
River</a></span></FONT><p align="justify"><a id="e278" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e278"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e268"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">19</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Renee and her friends from
college, Kathleen (from
New Jersey) and Kathleen
(from LA ) and I </font><a href="http://www.metroactive.com/papers/sfmetro/09.21.98/dining-9836.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">were
out to dinner</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Any dinner where cheese
and chocolate are served
in big pots is a very good
thing. These </font><a href="http://www.oberlin.edu/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oberlin</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
women are smart and fun
and we were talking books
and consensus driven process
and boys. Very fun. And
who should walk in and sit
at the table next to us?
</font><a href="http://www.blogtree.com/blogtree.php?blogid=4348"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
blog father</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The </font><a href="http://www.links.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">mighty
Justin Hall.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Now
my </font><a href="http://www.willa.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">blog
mother</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and I have exchanged e-mails
and I feel like I know her
and she knows me, to the
extent that you can know
someone through their writing.
And if she were in SF I'd
wanna hope she would be having dinner with me.
But I've been kinda shy
about Justin. I saw him
years ago on MSNBC talking
about </font><a href="http://www.links.net/share/96sum/hosts.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
summer in which he went
around the country</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
getting </font><a href="http://www.links.net/share/96sum/plan.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">people
to do personal writing on
line.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I was already reading Willa
and I looked him up and
spent hours reading his
site. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have </font><a href="http://www.links.net/vita/pix/boat.gif"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
image</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
of him in my head. It feels
like I've watched him grow
up. It's not true. But I
have spent hours </font><a href="http://www.links.net/vita/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">reading
the story of his life</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Maybe I've felt shy because
he's younger than I am. I
dunno. The blog father/mother
thing is a wonky thing.
But I did really really
wanted to shake his hand and
say thank you. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I did.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
was very sweet. </font><a href="http://www.umamitsunami.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jane</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was there. She was sweet.
They were with a friend.
I didn't want to bug them.
But I got to say hi
and shake his hand and tell
him thanks for telling me
about this crazy on line
writing. And I really wanted
to hug him. But I was just
too shy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Whenever
I read about A-list bloggers,
or Technorati, or whateverfuckingthing
we're horking up this week
to try and validate why we
do this, I go read
Willa and Justin. They just
do it. They just write their
lives and share some links
and it's just so good. I
am not a good daughter. My HTML is remedial, my attempts
at CSS have been lame, I regularly get into trouble
with the code and have to beg for help. But I do get
up in the morning and type some little something and
toss it into the great ocean of blog. And then I sit
on the shore and watch for news from the others. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
seeing Justin was like breaking through the third
wall. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Earlier
I got an e-mail from </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SFBG</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and it turns out I get 25
bucks for my </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/38/x_oped.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">little
rant.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
How cool is that? My first
pay check for writing. I
don't think I can cash it.
I think I need to frame
it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Happy
birthday to </font><a href="http://www.goasiapacific.com/news/GoAsiaPacificBNA_882990.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Aung
San Suu Ki</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
She is in my heart today.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(579)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_579"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:07 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e279" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">20</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Did you feel a tremor this
morning at 4:35?</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0">
<tr>
<td width="419">
<p><img src="bdaygrrrl.jpg" width="432" height="306" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">That
was the moment I turned
fifty.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the past five years, or
so, I've gotten some grey
streaks. Actually they're
white. I love them. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">People
often tell me I don't look
my age. It's an odd thing
to say, isn't it? It implies
something negative about
looking fifty. I guess the
signs of ageing are read
as the markers on the road
to death. And there's a
way in which not valuing
the way ageing looks is
about not wanting to look
toward what eventually happens
to the physical body. But
people will write pages
of poetry about the beauty
of an old tree. Poems in
which the tree shows the
wisdom of its years and
that's a good thing. All
these strands of white and
cracks of flesh are the
physical expression of something
beautiful. Some natural
process. Some gathering
of experience and, hopefully,
wisdom. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Now.
My wisdom may not be worthy
of poetic accolade. But
the white in my hair looks
good to me. I am struck
by the beauty of the way
process is written on a
body. Youth is beautiful.
But not more beautiful.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
the aches and pains, the
hormone flood, all the ohshitI'm
older stuff is not the most
fun. But it's not the worst
thing either. If I have
tried to do anything in
my life I have tried to
be a willing student of
what my body is trying to
teach me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
the metaphors around turning
fifty and the things that
are and are not happening
in my life have been difficult
to sort through. Can you
find true love after fifty? Are you sexually erased?
I just
spent six years getting
my BA and MFA. I'm unemployed
and deeply in debt. I can
no longer physically do
the work that my resume
says I'm qualified to do
and my curriculum vitae
isn't written yet. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gulp.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I did just get paid for
a piece of writing. THE
BOOK is coming along.
I met with </font><a href="http://www.blithe.com/bhq7.2/7.2.02.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Stephen</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
yesterday. I'm so glad to
be working with him. Even
when we aren't talking about
the mechanics of writing
there's a way in which he's
telling me what isn't on
the page. And because of
who he is politically, spiritually,
emotionally, intellectually,
he's seeing what I want
to be there and he's describing
the places where I'm backing
away from the writing. So
I came home with a head
full of language and the
need to write. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Tom
showed up! After too long
a time of not seeing him.
And we talked and talked
and talked and talked. So
good. And Karen sent me
a fat angel and tape of
</font><a href="http://www.jazzarts.org/bigswingtrio.cfm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mark's
music</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and a video of </font><a href="http://www.steveconn.com/home.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Steve</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
playing music. And Jeane sent
me a card. And Kristina
sang to me. And </font><a href="http://www.acupunctureliving.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Lynn</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
sent me a card. Deb called. </font><a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pattie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
sent me an e-card. And goodgawd
I have the best friends
in the world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I'm feeling lucky. And happy.
And alive. And fifty. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
a round age. And I'm a round grrrl. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(580)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_580"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 6:57 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e280" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e280"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">21</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Oooooo. Adrienne took me
</font><a href="http://www.lunaparksf.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">out
to lunch.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="240">
<tr>
<td width="234">
<p><img src="tishb-day.jpg" width="240" height="320" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And made me a beautiful
card.</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0">
<tr>
<td width="206">
<p><img src="buddha.jpg" width="240" height="320" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="206">
<table align="center" border="0" width="158">
<tr>
<td width="152">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">A
friend is a person with whom
I may be sincere. Before him
I may think aloud. --RW
Emerson</p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> And she
gave me a necklace
that says Queen on one side.
And oops my tiara slipped
on the other. Heh. And she
sent me some e-cards, </font><a href="http://moma.e-cards.org/send/cardSelected.pl"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
one</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with a note about olive
trees and lemons and friends. So
perfect. Suzanne met us at
the restaurant and brought
me an air pop popcorn popper.
Then we bought </font><a href="http://www.mtbs.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">some
books</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Then I came home and took
a nap. (Two martinis and
a glass of wine at lunch.)
Talked to </font><a href="http://www.helanderdance.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Danelle</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on the phone. And Ed. And
Karen. And Mark. Watched
</font><a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Now</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and went to bed. It was
just a sweet sweet day.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I was twenty I got
a rose tattoo on my forearm.
On my fortieth birthday
I got a snake around my
wrist, inspired by a line
from </font><a href="http://www.jonimitchell.com/Hejira76LyricsHome.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Joni</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
- <i>I've got the apple
of temptation and a diamond
snake around my arm</i>.
And because </font><a href="http://www.c-c-c.org/chineseculture/zodiac/Snake.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
a snake.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Fifty
seemed like a good year
to get another but nothing
came to me. When Adrienne
and I were driving back
to my apartment I had a
thought that I might just
go into a tattoo place and
look for one but it just
didn't feel right. Maybe
tattoos only come to me
every twenty years. Last
night I thought maybe I
should get one of those
really classic hearts with
a scroll across the front
and in the scroll it could
say - your name here. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Thanks
to everyone for all the
birthday love. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(581)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_581"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:00 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e281" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e281"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">22</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Tom was supposed to come
over for dinner but he and his two traveling companions
were having trouble making decisions. Heh. I'd made
a spinach, mushroom, red onion, ricotta, asiago, filo
thing. So I had a good dinner. They may show up today.
I'm just happy thinking that I'll be able to see him
at all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
cooking and some cleaning and some e-mail catching up
on took a long time and I was feeling tense about
not getting to the writing. I had all these ...
things ... buzzing in my brain from the meeting with
Stephen. And then I got four phone calls in a row. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Finally
I did some work. I keep trying to stop rewriting the
first six chapters but Stephen had given me some feedback
about a way in which the rhythm of the writing had become
repetitive. He was right. And we had this long conversation
about the formation of desire. (</font><a href="http://www.mondaypapers.com/non_album_tracks/different4girlsnew.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Don't
you know that it's different for girls?</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)
So I had to go back. And rewrite. And write some more.
Which isn't the worst thing that can happen but I feel
the pressure of the passing of time. I need to be done
in six weeks for school and want to be done. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So.
Somehow. I need to try and reread (AGAIN) what I did
yesterday and maybe mail it to him early. And then I
have to push on with pile of stuff he gave me to fix
in the next chapters. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
first. I need to go swimming. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(582)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_582"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:41 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e282" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e282"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">23</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I've been thinking about
something </font><a href="http://reachm.blog-city.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cowboy
Kayhill</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
said to me in an e-mail.
The Cowboy </font><a href="http://reachm.blog-city.com/readblog.cfm?BID=112975"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">is
organizing his blog roll</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
by state and I'd responded
to an e-mail he sent out.
He wrote back to tell me
that he had me in his talk-of-the-town-folk
section, which is fine by
me. But he said it's the
category for folks who are
less obsessive about national
politics as a central theme.
And that would certainly
be a true thing to say about
my hunk o cyber space. I
would be hard pressed to
claim a central theme.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I feel pretty obsessive
about national politics.
And local and international
politics. And it made me
think about why I don't
write about it all more often.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
think I've been fighting
for balance for a long time.
My tenancy toward depression
is fed with my horror at
having to endure an unelected president leading us into
an illegal war and generally creating an atmosphere
of bully politics.
But I still need to know
what's going on. So I listen
to </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">radio</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://www.c-span.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">some</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=11468"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">television</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and I read. A lot. There
are bloggers who I read
because of </font><a href="http://users.adelphia.net/~enitria/trish_wilson/blog/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">their</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">central</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://bodyandsoul.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">political</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">theme</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font><a href="http://www.ruminatethis.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Lisa</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(Who
has me linked in can't-be-pigeon
holed. I love that.) and
bloggers I read because
I feel political affinity
but I don't read any particular central
theme. (Which would be pretty
much everybody else. Some
people just don't talk about
political stuff. Some people
write </font><a href="http://youliveyourlifeasifitsreal.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">political
art.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)
And every once in a while
I wax political. It's blogging.
There are no rules.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
reading </font><a href="http://www.liberalartsmafia.com/comments/comment122.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
the other day made me feel
how close I live to the
edge. And how hard I work
to maintain balance. Because
I have to keep writing.
I need to keep writing.
I want to keep writing.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
guess most of my writing
energy gets sucked into
the book these days. And
most of political thinking
gets sucked into fat politics.
But I struggle with </font><a href="http://www.liberalartsmafia.com/comments/comment122.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
Disease</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font><a href="http://www.moveon.org/distortion/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.indonesianetwork.org./action/2003/congress_signon.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">write</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.zmag.org/content/showarticle.cfm?SectionID=44&ItemID=3798"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">letters</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And write my blog. And write
my book. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
am not offended, or upset, about where I am put
on anyone's blogroll. I'm
happy to be in the talk
of town folk and can't be
pigeon holed sections. I'm
always happy to get link
love. And I reserve the
right to wax political should
I feel the need. (And why,
</font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_06_01_archives.html#105621019198110273"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">like
Cyndy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
am I not surprised when
media links disappear?) And
look </font><a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/index.php?topic=blog"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">who
has a blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
fun. Isn't it? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.coffee-pot-on-stove.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mary</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has been stopping by so I
checked out her blog. I
think her first post says
something that </font><a href="http://www.coffee-pot-on-stove.blogspot.com/2003_05_01_coffee-pot-on-stove_archive.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">sums
up something central about
blogging</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in a wonderful way.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(583)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_583"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:10 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Perhaps blogging is a First World wank. But, fuck it, no. I like being
self-involved. I like self-involved people. I particularly like writers and
bloggers who are self-involved. It generally denotes a degree of self-admitted
'fucked-upness' and a desire to see things in a different light or, at least,
more clearly. - <a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_pagecount_archive.html#105631145725803243">Golby</a> <BR></span></font><p align="justify"><a id="e283" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e283"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">24</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Have I mentioned lately
that I love </font><a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mike
Golby</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?
I don't think I have. Well let me make it clear.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
love Mike Golby. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">If
I ever get a chance to meet him I'm gonna hafta hug
him. I will be shy. As shy as I was </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e278"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">when
I met</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.links.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Justin.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
But I know I will hafta hug him. And this won't be a
Hollywood hug. I'm gonna hafta wrap my arms around him
and be so happy to see him. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
pretty clear that Mike and I, were we given any time
together, would argue. I picture us nose to nose, saying,
"Yeah but ... " for hours. And I also know
we would have a lot of shared outrage. He would riff
on the sins of the leaders (cough) of my country and
I would say. "Yes. Mike." "Right. Mike."
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
he would make some reference to The Heart of Darkness
and I would just smile. And nod. And the deep aching
pain that is the realization of what is happening in
our world would rip at my own heart. But I would not
be alone feeling that pain. Mike would be there with
me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Does
this all sound sexy? Well. Maybe it is. I mean, come
on. He sings </font><a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leonardcohen/lastyearsman.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Leonard
Cohen</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to me while he blogs. But one of the things I love about
Mike is his devout and passionate love for his
wife. So me wanting to hug him isn't about all that.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
it is about the body.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
can't even imagine how I will ever be nose to nose with
Golby. Time and space being what they are. But I feel
him. When days and weeks go by and he does not post
I feel the anxiety in my body. I wonder if I've lost
him. I wonder how I will find him again. And I feel
the fear of loss. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
when he says things that make me mad I feel them in
my body. And when he says things that make me sad I
feel them in my body. And when he makes me smile. Well.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
late. And I need to sleep. I'll see you in my dreams.
But if, in the wander world of dreams, you come
upon Mike and I, nose to nose, discussing the reasons
why bifurcating things into intellectual and personal
is deeply problematic, please don't interrupt. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(584)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_584"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 12:18 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e284" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e284"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">24</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I quit my therapy group
last night. It was a peaceful
closure. The nicest thing
anyone can say to me is
that I hold complexity.
And my therapist said that
to me. Well.
I dunno. Maybe there are
some nicer things. But the
holding complexity thing is good.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">One of my group mates took
me </font><a href="http://www.lastsupperclubsf.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">out
for martinis</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and snacks.
And so I was awake till
o dark thirty. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
not that I don't need therapy. I have plenty of work
to do. But I'd run the course with my group. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
voted for </font><a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/index.php?topic=blog"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dennis</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in the </font><a href="http://moveon.org/pac/cands/faq.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Move
On Primary</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It felt great. So I guess that might mean I've made
my decision. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Craig's
art</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is going to be in another </font><a href="http://www.lolabrown.com/lola.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">gallery</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="214">
<tr>
<td width="208">
<p><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html"><img src="mallofusa.jpg" width="202" height="262" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
very nice man from UPS came yesterday and brought me
a </font><a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/Book/BookFrame/0,1007,,00.html?id=1585422118"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">package</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
from Kristina. And Deb brought me a lunch box shaped
like an Oreo filled with macaroons that she had made.
I love it when a birthday goes on and on. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(585)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_585"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:19 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e285" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e285"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">24</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
OK. So. I just got to hang
out with </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
all day. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ya
know that feeling when you see an old friend who you
haven't seen for a while? And you're kinda shy coz they
may have changed and you may not know them as well as
you once did? But you feel like you know them and it
feels like you can't talk fast enough because there's
so much you want to talk to them about? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">That's
how it felt seeing George. And he really does </font><a href="http://www.apersonalsite.com/pixnbook/journal/may03/blogger03.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">look
like a movie star</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And he hugs good. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(586)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_586"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:52 P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e286" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e286"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">25</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.liberalartsmafia.com/comments/comment124.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Whew.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cyndy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/2003_06_01_archives.html#105649282036203610"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">linked</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
that up. I read it and spent the rest of the day hearing
a </font><a href="http://www.math.ufl.edu/~jaz/Lyrics/volunteers"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jefferson
Airplane song</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in the back of my head. Rage is powerful. And I feel
the need to take deep breaths, clear my thoughts and
keep my heart open. Which is not to say that I did not
read deep thinking and an open heart in the poem. I
did. And the rage is good. And right. And the dark likely-hood
is a possibility. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Whew.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">We
got work to do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
sent this </font><a href="http://www.bobharris.com/kucinichdean.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">very
nice chart</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
We'd discussed our votes in the </font><a href="http://moveon.org/pac/cands/faq.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Move
On</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
primary. I think I knew that Kucinich had been pro choice.
It's a worry. But I still cast my vote for him at this
point.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then there's </font><a href="http://www.katinkamatson.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">beauty</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> (via
</font><a href="http://jmcolberg.com/weblog/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Conscientious</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)
and the restorative deep breath feeling that we need
to give us strength. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was telling George about a movie I remember. I saw it
years ago and can't remember the name or much about
the content. But there is a scene in which a male character
is sitting in a garden and things in the narrative line
of the movie have reached a pitch. Stuff has gone wrong.
Very wrong. And there is a glass globe that is a symbol
of it all and it rolls off the table and shatters.
And the feeling is devastation. Overwhelming loss. Irreparable
damage. And the music swells. And then you hear the
sound of an airplane passing over head. And the sound
of the neighbors next door who are putting up a ladder
to do some work on their barn. And the sounds are calling
the character back to life. Life is calling him back.
Does anyone remember that movie?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">After
the volcano destroys the side of the mountain life begins
the business of renewal. So dark likely-hood abounds.
And even the candidate who holds the most of what I
want to vote for has something that gives me pause.
Because it's a balancing act. And we are way off balance
right now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
we have work to do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And.
Up date your links. </font><a href="http://zeebahtronic.fullbleed.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Zeebah</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has moved. And she's writing about the </font><a href="http://zeebahtronic.fullbleed.net/archives/000165.html#more"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">self
absorption idea</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and is a blog a journal? My blog sticker wrestled
with this idea. </font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="116">
<tr>
<td width="110"> <p><a href="http://www.blogstickers.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"><img src="sticker" width="113" height="86" border="0"></font></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I decided to not decide.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(587)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_587"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:11 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e287" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e287"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">26</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Spent the day ripping </font><a href="http://www.righteousbabe.com/news/sms_sml.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ani</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.righteousbabe.com/news/rev_rec.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Di</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.marcogiunco.com/dischi/002808.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Franco</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.epinions.com/musc-review-150A-73F095A-395C05EB-prod3"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">discs</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
that I borrowed from Ari.
It's an Ani Di Franco festival
up in here. Sonya
came over for lunch. I made
</font><a href="http://allrecipes.iwon.com/encyc/terms/T/8818.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">tagliatelle</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with Swiss chard and </font><a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm?prodID=1"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Aidells</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
We talked a lot. You know
I loved that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Then
I stayed up way late watching </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=16625"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
budget committee</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
They'd been listening to hours of public testimony,
people begging </font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2003/06/25/BA214469.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">for
their funding</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It's just so heart breaking. They were still at it when
I went to bed. And they're about to begin again. I woke
with a start because I thought I heard an alarm. But
I think it was just that I slept later than I usually
do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did </font><a href="http://www.blogsisters.blogspot.com/?/2003_06_01_blogsisters_archive.html#105660480499935795"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
post</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
at </font><a href="http://www.blogsisters.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Blogsisters</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
last night about this article
in the </font><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/06/22/health/womenshealth/22DUEN.html?pagewanted=1&ei=1&en=9eb5d3383cf118aa&ex=1057398189"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">New
York Times</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The article is a mix of
good things and not so good
things. It seems to be making
a case for size acceptance
as long as the size is no
higher than size 14. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
the usual laundry list
of things in the article
to be afraid of if you get
too fat. I can't help but
think of my two grandmothers.
One was not fat and one
was fat. The one who was
fat did not have diabetes.
The one who was not fat
did. Hmmm. The side of my
family with the height and
not the weight has the heart
disease. Hmmm. Maybe I should
worry about my height.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't mean to sound glib.
There are health issues.
Fat people have heath issues.
I have health issues. But
I am frustrated beyond my
ability to sustain frustration
at the reductive fat = unhealthy
formula. I'm not in the
mood to make the argument
right now. Maybe later.
The article ends
with Deb Burgard's wisdom.
Read more of her </font><a href="http://www.bodypositive.com/argument.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">here.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Stephen
has </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/lit/2003-06/cruisingthegene.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">an
article</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in this weeks </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SFBG</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on the gay gene and the
construction of identity. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
eating the sweetest nectarine in the world. I put it
off for as long as I could because I loved walking past
the bowl in the kitchen and smelling the perfume of
ripening. And now, she said with a smack of her lips,
it is gone. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(588)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_588"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:43 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e288" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e288"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">27</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
It is mutha fuckin hot.
I'm sweatin.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Michael
and John had Deb and I over
for dinner. They live way
out in the avenues, where
it is cooler. Michael
grilled chicken and asparagus
and corn and made new potato
salad with lots of mustard
in the dressing. Mmmmm.
We sat
on their little city patio
surrounded by Calla lilies
and ferns and honeysuckle vines and talked and ate. Deb
made an amazing cake with
real coconut flakes. I came
home smelling like grill
smoke
and feeling mellow. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
my apartment was/is hot, which made for restless sleep.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
gonna be fun to watch </font><a href="http://www.nataliedarbeloff.com/blaugustine.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
grow up. (via </font><a href="http://cassandrapages.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cassandra
Pages</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)</font></span></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.nataliedarbeloff.com/blaugustine.html"><img src="payattention.jpg" width="137" height="168" border="0"></a></p>
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<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">If
I was using </font><a href="http://www.blogger.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Blogger</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I think I'd be pissed. </font><a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Laurie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
disappeared for a while yesterday. </font><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#105662676143619611"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Elayne</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
couldn't post one day. Even </font><a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Willa</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/archives/2003_06_15_archive.htm#105615442021236027"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">has</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/archives/2003_06_22_archive.htm#105639298677068698"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">been</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
frustrated. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.actionsf.org/#local2"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Takin
it to the streets</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
other day, in honor of the 100th birthday of George Orwell,
</font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Democracy
Now</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
played a </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/06/25/1353213"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">reading
of 1984</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with bits from other people cut in. You can listen to
it on line if you have the time and bandwidth. It's
chilling. I keep thinking about it. </font><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
sent me a link to this </font><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/06/25/opinion/25GIBS.html?pagewanted=all&position="><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">article
by William Gibson</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,,
written about the birthday, which I have also seen
blogged </font><a href="http://world.std.com/home/dacha/WWW/emg/public_html/2003_06_01_blog_archive.html#105658588073101796"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">by
others</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In the mirrors of our darkest fears, much will be revealed. But don't mistake
those mirrors for road maps to the future, or even to the present. - </span></font></i><a href="http://www.williamgibsonbooks.com/blog/blog.asp"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">William
Gibson</span></font></a><p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(589)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_589"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:36 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e289" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e289"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">28</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
My syntax gets sloppy.
I would blame the heat.
But it happens all the time.
I think in circles. My writing often comes off the wrong
place on the loop. Maybe not wrong. But ... you know...</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
when I linked up </font><a href="http://www.nataliedarbeloff.com/blaugustine.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Augustine's
blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> I said it would be
fun to watch it grow. I
meant that the blog itself
is less than three months
old and is very fun. Not
that Augustine needed to
grow up. I like grrrls who
shout. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then </font><a href="http://www.blogsisters.blogspot.com/?/2003_06_01_blogsisters_archive.html#105660480499935795"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">on
Blogsisters</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I cracked wise about the
eight pound increase in
the average weight of women in the
last twenty years. I knew
my wise crack wasn't exact. I guess
I'm a little reactive to
those kinds of stats because
I know they aren't read in
any kind of balanced context. They
are read as a reason to be afraid. We
are also taller. We have better
food and, it is true, we also have more
crap food. We also have </font><a href="http://victoria682.tripod.com/thelargestofall/id1.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">more
stress</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
We work full time and come home to care for our children.
Many of us are single mothers. We aren't all spending
time cooking the best food in the best way. Stats like
that are used to build the case for the idea of an obesity
epidemic. And I get pissed off. Because stats are written
by people. And people have agendas. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Syntax
is important. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Paul
blogged </font><a href="http://www.theplainsman.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2003/06/26/3efa3d4ebc2bf"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">an
editorial</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000479.php#comments"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">yesterday
on BFB.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I read it this morning. Not a good way to start the
day. The writer says fat politics, my politics, are
entitlement politics. Hmmmm. OK. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
must have interviewed Sally Smith from </font><a href="http://naafa.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">NAAFA.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
He says <i>she seems to believe </i>people have been
denied promotions at work because they are fat. I remember
sitting by a woman at a NAAFA event and hearing her
story of her job. She's was very good at and fully able
to do it. But she was told by her boss that, although
she was great at her job and respected by the folks
who worked with her, she would never get another
promotion unless she lost weight. It's only one story.
I have many more. But I don't have stats. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
writer of the editorial goes on, in the most glib and
irritating tone, to articulate his (cough) understanding
of fat acceptance. He uses the phrase natural and unavoidable
to express what fat acceptance people think about their
bodies. Well. Natural? Yes. I would say I am naturally
fat. Unavoidable? It's an odd word. I guess I could
have chosen a different gene pool. I think what he really
means is that I could have avoided being as fat if I
had simply not eaten all the bad stuff I've eaten and
if I had taken up running. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
has a point. Not one I think he is intending to make.
There are folks who believe that if I hadn't begun dieting
when I was eleven that I might be fat, but not as fat
as I am. Most people grant that the body responds to
lack of food by slowing metabolism and when the body
is given less food again and again the body stores fat,
aka energy, just in case. I think this is more true
for certain bodies. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
says that fat genes do not cause obesity. And he is
right. Fat genes establish a propensity for fatness.
And there is more than one gene and more than one combination
and more than one kind of fat body. So can I be thin?
Not in my experience. I can be thinner. But I never
get to thin. But any discussion of what I might need
to do to get thinner has to </font><a href="http://www.naafa.org/documents/brochures/nextdiet.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">include</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
the harm that what I might do would have on my body.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
says so many stupid things I could spend the day writing
about it. He even takes a shot at </font><a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jennifer</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
though not by name. Jennifer who was able to do a job,
denied employment and fought for recognition of her
ability and the discriminatory practice of not hiring
her to do the job because of an amount of flesh. If
that's clogging up the courts....then I hope the courts
are clogged. But they won't be. Because it took enormous
courage for Jennifer to do what she did. And many fat
people will read that editorial and think they should
just try harder. Sure. they've been on diets many many
times. But look at Oprah. They just need to make a life
style change. That's all. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I hear the lifestyle change bit I always think about
my gay brothers and sisters. They get told to make a
lifestyle change too. My life style. Well. It's such
a simple way to talk about a life.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
the fat people who are told that they will never get
a raise if they don't lose weight won't go to court.
They are too beaten down. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
night I was listening to MSNBC because they were going
to talk about how to keep the </font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/932304.asp?0dm=V12LT"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">telemarketers
from calling</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It turns out that the number to call is similar to a
guys business number (I can't find the story) and
his phone is swamped. His business is in crisis. It
was a sad story. And the </font><a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/877714.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">notoriously
fat phobic host</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
said, "what's the problem are their fingers too
fat to dial the right number?" </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Uh
huh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
not a good way to start the morning. All riled up. But
it seems to be part of my life style. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(590)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_590"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 11:09 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e290" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e290"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e279"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">29</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
On a daily basis as a straight
person ...</font></a></span></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.sfpride.org/heritage/givethemhope.htm"><img src="stharvey-150px.jpg" width="150" height="194" border="0"></a></p>
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<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
the </font><a href="http://www.dykemarch.org/SFO/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">party
</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">is
</font><a href="http://www.sfpride.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">jumping</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't want to be a downer.
I want to be in celebration
solidarity. </font><a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/06/26/scotus.sodomy/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
are reasons to celebrate</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I'm a little bit sad today.
I wish fat people would
coalesce into a group that
could challenge the way
we are funneled into a one
size fits all idea. We eat
too much and we don't exercise.
It's just that simple. All
our problems would go away
of we just ate less and
exercised more. We are weak
and lack character. It's
always the same limited understanding. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
know a lot of fat people.
I listen to them. I am one
of them. We come in a variety
of shapes and life stories.
We are not a one size fits
all problem to be solved.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
what if ten percent of the fat people in this country
wrote to the news guy who makes a fat fingers comment
and said - knock it off? What if we walked down the
street in a parade saying we're not going to suffer
the social disrespect any more? These are our bodies.
What if we held rallies in front of hospitals where
we had been treated with </font><a href="http://www.freep.com/news/locoak/nhox2_20030502.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">such
a lack of care that we died</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?
What if we rallied in front of companies that create
</font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
hostile work environment</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">?
What if we demand that the media begin to tell the story
of who we are with some respect and dignity? What if
we said no to the shame? As a community.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I'm a little sad today.
But I hope the pride party is a party so loud that it
wakes us all up. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(591)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_591"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:03 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e291" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June03.htm#e291"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">June</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e291"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">30</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Had
dinner with </font><a href="http://www.photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=104116"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">K2.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
It was good. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(592)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_592"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:52 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
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