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<p><font face="American Uncial">June</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 2</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">I thought I'd make some changes in the
site. Make it easier to read and access the links.</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Thursday I went to the Hall of Justice
to report for jury duty. Monday I'll find out if I'm in a jury. I actually
want to be. Two years ago when I was working and going to school I would
have been miserable about it but right now it would be interesting. I actually
believe in those notions of the justice system in which my participation
is a democratic responsibility. The problem is that we are all so busy trying
to keep hearth and home together it's difficult to want to participate.
And then there are the obvious and glaring problems with the current state
of our justice system. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 4</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">OK.. Today I go to court. I'm still not
sure if I'm on the case or not but I should know by the end of the day.
I'm still having trouble sleeping and I feel a bit beaten by it. I do wake
up thinking about needing work and all manner of frantic self analysis ensues.
Last night I finally just got up and read for a while. Maybe if I look haggard
I won't get picked. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 5</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Well, I didn't get picked for jury
duty. I didn't even get to be questioned by the DA. I sat in the court room
for what felt like a month listening to other people be questioned.
The DA, when she noticed people had said they had never experienced violence,
would give them a look of disbelief. "You've lived in SF for ten years
and you've never been a victim?" And the Public Defender kept looking
people in the eye and saying "Are we gonna get a fair trail?"
It was obnoxious. By the end of the day I was sitting in the back
row making wise cracks. I actually wanted to be on the jury. But just sitting through
the jury selection was so annoying. I know the court is a bureaucracy and
a system but it is also a bit of a theater. A theater in which lives are
changed. So, when the actors suck the play does not seem to go well. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 6</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I'm going on two weeks of not sleeping
well. Some nights are better than others but I wake up at least three times
and usually more. And sometimes I just can't go back to sleep. I have a
number of things I'm blaming, hormones, worry, that kind of thing. But in
the night, laying awake, I am swarmed by those thoughts and feelings that
I ignore during the day. I'm starting to fear my bed.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 7</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I slept a bit better last night.
When I don't sleep well I don't get out for my walk or do the other exercise
that I have been doing and soon I'm not eating well and there seems to be
this dust bunny effect, a gathering up of negative self care reflects. I've
always acted out on my body. That use to mean drugs and alcohol. In the
past few years the wildest I get is to smoke cigarettes. But I also have
to work harder for physical well being. My recovery time is longer. So,
then I fell old and get depressed and the dust bunny gathers more dust.
Mercury is in retrograde. Nuff said.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 9</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I didn't make it to the <a href="http://www.igc.org/balkans/wib/" target="_blank">Women
In Black </a> demonstration. I was dressed for it but I got caught
up in a board of supes hearing about the day labour program in the mission.
There was a few hours of testimony both pro and con. It was compelling.
One of the issues is the trash and general mess left by the men who wait
for jobs. Fortunately someone pointed out that the city might be held responsible
for cleaning the streets of the Mission in general. And there
were issues of traffic safety. And there were accusations of racism toward
the foes of the program. And some people made note of the impact of the
global economy. It was very interesting and I couldn't break away. It's
arm chair activism, I know, but I couldn't get out the door.</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">I'm thinking of going to the <a href="http://www.igc.org/balkans/wib/" target="_blank">Women
In Black </a> demonstration today. I am usually reticent to attend
public events like this. When I was in high school demonstrations were like
the prom. I am too easily depressed by the way people are in public and
I get sulky. But the structure of this seems hopeful. Just to stand in silence
with other women. To stand for peace. It might shake me out of this depressive
self absorbed lethargy.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 11</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I am reading <i>The Death of Vishnu
by <a href="http://www.manilsuri.com" target="_blank">Manil Suri</a>. </i>The
site about the book is actually pretty fun. There is a chapter from the
book and a glossary of Indian terms used in the book. The links to him talking
about himself lead to links that go to his academic web site. He has a PH
D in mathematics. And he seems to have a great sense of humor. On one page
there are pictures of food that he has cooked. Very cute. I have mixed feelings
about the book. I am enjoying it and stayed up late last night reading.
The characters are vivid and there is some interesting class observation
but in India spiritual principals and awareness of class or caste inure
the presence of the poor. So, the main character, Vishnu, is a poor man
who is dying and there is a magical realism approach to the portrayal of
his inner world as he dies. This is imbedded in stories of the families
that live in the apartments around him. It's interesting.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 12</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Lynne came yesterday and gave me
acupuncture and a bit of a massage. I feel great. Able to leap tall buildings
in a single bound. I managed to get out for my walk this morning. First
time in a while. it takes so little to feel better but it does take something.
Some effort. It's a new experience for me. Just walking to work was a built
in exercise and I don't have that now. I understand why people give up and
stop moving. But even a twenty minute walk makes a huge difference in my
sense of well being and my experience of my body.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 13</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> My friend Michael has made a <a href="http://www.members.aol.com/kaulanacat2/jrmh_2aloha.html" target="_blank">web
page</a>. I love pages like his. Check out the page with the Disney photos.
The whole business of web publishing is interesting. I've been readin old
journal pages that I wrote last year. Not web journal but a journal that
I was trying to keep. My attempts at journaling are fraught with failure.
I start them and then I space out. And I was thinking about what I would
and would not publish on line. I think it's great and important that we
share our lives. I think it can debunk the whole notion of the star. We
spend time looking at photos of famous people and we think they are prettier
or smarter or cooler. The web levels the playing field a bit. But when you're
publishing you (I) torture yourself with issues of what am I saying, is
it interesting, does it have value?</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 14</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I usually hate when people say things
like this but this month seems to be screaming by! I'll be in school in
two weeks. Today is one of those days when I really don't have anything
specific on my mind. So the question arises, why write? </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Yesterday Lucia, Gabe and I went to <a href="http://www.pier39.com" target="_blank">Pier
39 </a>. We hung out in the arcade and ate lunch. I kinda hate the way these
tourist places are organized. This is how Americans have fun, eat and shop.
But we had fun. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 15</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I wasn't going to write about the
Mc Viegh execution. I just didn't want to add to the din. The media focuses
on these things and creates a carnival. I try to ignore it. There are many
men put to death who have no media coverage. And then yesterday I was listening
to a death penalty debate on Democracy Now. It's hard for me to imagine
that the death of anyone serves to create "completion". And Mc
Viegh is now a martyr. C reated by the
confusing world of bad what-it-is-to-be-a-man metaphors, in service to a
throw back revolution, leaving behind a poem as a final world, his death
was the exclamation point at the end of a sentence full of expletives. Are
the families of the victims served by this? Every time I looked at him I
saw him as a seven year old boy. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 16</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> On Saturday mornings I listen to
<a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/wesat/" target="_blank">NPR.</a>(AKA
National Purchased Radio). I gather news from a variety of sources. I think
I get more news in the first five minutes of <a href="http://www.democracynow.org" target="_blank">Democracy
Now</a> than four hours of CNN. And NPR, well it's news with a soft voice.
But on Saturday morning I listen to <a href="http://www.npr.org/about/people/bios/ssimon.html" target="_blank">Scott
Simon</a> and <a href="http://www.npr.org/about/people/bios/dschorr.html" target="_blank">Daniel
S</a>chorr break it down. Today Schorr made a quip about Bush referring
to Africa as a nation. We have to edit as Bush speaks. And it makes me
think that he got the support that he did get because of a fear of a national
fear of intelligence. Didn't we all laugh that he quipped that a C student
could be president. Yeah, if your brother is in charge of a state where
the election gets botched.</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Check out this <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/wesat/features/2001/010616.poem.html" target="_blank">poem</a>
by Sonia Sanchez </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 18</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> My friend Diane called to tell me
that our friend David Benjamin had died and there was a memorial thing happening
at a local bar. I can't really handle public gatherings but she went and
then came here afterwards. David was the best sommelier I have ever known.
I met him at The Stinking Rose. But he was one of those people that I would
see walking through North Beach from time to time. He worked at a small
restaurant near where I live that I use to go to for dinner from time to
time and I ultimately worked there with him. I left that place at about
the same time he did, both of us feeling pretty bad about the experience
of working there. So, we weren't close but we'd know each other for a few
years and I always thought he was the sweetest. And you always imagine you'll
see someone again. So, the next glass of Sirrah I drink I'll be toasting
this man. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 20</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I woke up having a dream in which
I was cleaning at my parents house and they were criticizing the way I was
cleaning and I was screaming that they needed to apologize to me. As I woke
up I started thinking about how what ever I did felt like it was not good
enough. And I've known that that informs my self esteem but this morning
I realized that it also informs my world view. Like I am too often given
to a not-good-enough sense of how it's going. And that's not all bad
but it contributes to a general crankiness. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">So, I'm 48 today. It doesn't seem like a
big deal. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 21</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> So, after my morning epiphany yesterday
morning I relaxed into the day. I got some writing done in the morning.
Marilyn took me out to lunch at <a href="http://www.beachchalet.com" target="_blank">The
Beach Chalet</a>. The food is mediocre but the view is so great. I remembered
being in SF when I was twenty. I would make regular trips to the ocean to
just stare at it. And Jo Ann made me a lovely dinner and CUPCAKES!! Which
I am having for breakfast. The privilege of being a grownup. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 23</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I rented <i>Angela's Ashes. I was
assigned the book for school and after I read it I thought I'd watch
the film. I don't compare films and books. It's an apples and oranges comparison.
I don't see that many films. What caught my attention was the previews
before the film started. There was one in which the president is caught
by a snow storm in the Colorado mountains and has to decide wether to use
a nuclear weapon against someone who "has the oil." And another
in which a soldier is on trail for firing into a crowd of Arab looking people
who also have guns. I'm over simplifying the plots but what struck
me was the militarism and anti Arab sentiment in these films. Is the movie
industry trying to get us fired up for war? Did Tim Mc Viegh watch
films like these? </i> </font></p>
<p></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 25</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I rented <a href="http://www.crouchingtiger.com" target="_blank">C
rouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.</a> I liked it so much I watched it
twice. It worries me that I was so enthralled by a life long relationship
between a man and a woman that is never consummated. I have that love pure
and chaise from afar thing a bit too hard wired. I always like stories in
which people's lives become entwined and they fail each other, come through
for each other and ultimately find their own best destiny revealed in the
process. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Deb and I have strated going to <a href="http://www.themeetinghouse.com" target="_blank">The
Meeting House </a> for after church brunch. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Lately when I watch the Supes I think about
fame or more specifically public life. The new board has been described
as progressive but many of them seem to play it safe. They seem too aware
of the message they are sending. So, then they don't push. They settle
on a compromise position and talk about it as a beginning. They set
the bar only slightly higher and then talk about what they've done. it's
hard not to believe that they're worried about votes. I want them to push.
<a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/bdsupvrs/supervisors/daly.htm" target="_blank">C
ris Daly</a> is, I think, the youngest and most raw politically. Sometimes
he drives me crazy for the opposite reason. He is always pushing. But he
does seem like someone with a strong sense of principal who is not aware
that he may be damaging himself in terms of votes. My supervisor, <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/bdsupvrs/supervisors/peskin.htm" target="_blank">Aaron
Peskin</a> works really hard and does great things but if the boat owners
don't want public money to be used to fund kids going to the marina he votes
toward the boat owners. I belive he thinks about it all deeply but
he does not seem to want to push. And when he does that it's hard to
not see him as aware of votes. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">June 26</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">School starts on Saturday. I was assigned
a few books to read, one of which is bird by bird by Anne Lamontt.
I've been resistant to reading her for no particular reason. At first I
was annoyed at reading a book that talks about writing but she is winning
me over, slowly. She's pretty fun. She keeps a one inch frame on her
desk to remind her that she only needs to write that much at a time. </font></p>
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