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<td width="717"><p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>July
2005</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1087"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:17
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e887"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I was swimming the
other day. I was right in front of the life guard and
she began to talk with me. Small talk about pools. Suddenly,
apropos of nothing, she asked if I was a writer. I asked
her why she thought I was and she wasn't sure.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
met <a href="http://www.distortionthebook.com/beachy.html">Stephen</a>
for coffee the other day. We talked about being stuck.
It isn't writers block. It's living block. Even being
with him got the blood flowing to my brain again. I
felt like a writer. I could feel writing beginning to
form in my head. He thinks my blog writing takes all
writing energy and maybe it does. But it also keeps
me thinking in writing terms. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
putting most of my energy into finding a job right now.
It makes me so miserable that I can hardly breathe.
It sucks the life and will right out of me. I see through
a glass darkly and it seems wise not to put words to
that perspective. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
K3 took me to a park. <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/595777/1/25045416">Jan</a>
could play while we ate take out Turkish food and fancy
pastry. I didn't realize that I was getting sun. The
skin on my arms and face is red and tight. It was nice.
But there is part of me that is always on the verge
of tears these days. Always needing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I dunno. My stats are down and I understand. I'm not
writing anything too compelling. I asked her why she
thought I was a writer and she wasn't sure. It took
me awhile to say I was a writer. And now I'm not sure
why I think I am. But I know that the impulse is still
in there. Buried under doubt and fear and panic and
resentment. And need. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1390)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1390"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1088" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1088"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1088"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1088"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e888"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html">Frederick
Douglass says</a> this is a day for scorching irony.
I thought of his words while I was getting dressed.
The tag on the <a href="http://www.lbcatalog.com/lbcatalog/product/product.asp?pf_id=30547&dept_id=4221&parent_id=&">pants</a>
I am wearing says All American Comfort on one side and
made in Taiwan on the other. I wouldn't necessarily
mind that they are made in Taiwan if I thought that
the workers there were paid a living wage and had a
reasonable work environment. But that's not why they
were made there. We want what we want and we want it
at any cost. National identity is almost never useful.
A day to celebrate national identity and notions of
liberty in this country is nothing if not scorchingly
ironic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
hold these truths to be self evident. All men are created
equal. Those men of color bound in chains, those men
who lived and greeted us and helped us to survive, what
about them? And what about our wives and sisters and
daughters and mothers? Liberty? Scorching irony indeed.
We celebrate an act of revolution but we ignore other
acts of revolution. <a href="http://americanhistory.si.edu/sweatshops/intro/intro.htm">A
cursory read of labour history</a> is as bloody as any
of our wars. Our founding fathers wanted what they wanted
at any cost. No cost labor. Is that American? The supply
must meet the demand. At any cost. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
about our stuff. They hate us because of our SUV"s.
Scorching irony. The cars that demand the most of supply.
We hate them because of our SUV's. We must hate them
because we are willing to <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/070205D.shtml">reek
havoc</a> in their country. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I sound like I hate the country in which I live? I don't.
I am a <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm">daughter
of that revolution.</a> Part of how I understand myself
was born today. Born in a <a href="http://www.historynow.org/06_2005/historian5.html">European
tradition</a> of making political statements with parades
and feasting. And I live in a<a href="http://www.unitehere.org/frontpagedetail.asp?ID=89">
city that makes an effort</a> to subvert that what-we-want-at-any-cost
paradigm. I see none of this as a reason for pride or
shame. It's more complicated than that. After all, I'm
wearing pants that were made in Taiwan. They fit and
I could afford them. Demand. Supply. There it is. I
get a bit of the burn from the scorch.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
year all the folks in the building go up on the roof
where there is a great view of the fireworks. I like
that moment when I am on the roof with my neighbors.
I like gathering together and feasting. But it is complicated.
There are always two lyric lines in my head while
I watch. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the rockets red glare. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=TheFiddleAndTheDrum">And
so once again you are fighting us all.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1391)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1391"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1089" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1089"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1089"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1089"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:06
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e889"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't going to go up in the roof last night but my
neighbor rousted me. It was a clear night and we had
a great view and they were <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2005/07/05/BAG0PDJ20D1.DTL&o=0">pretty</a>.
Sort of. In a bang boom kind of a way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I was chasing my own tail. Trying to figure
out how to ...how to ... oh...you know...fix everything.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1392)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1392"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1090" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1090"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1089"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1090"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
6
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e890"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
speaking of scorching irony, I just heard a snippet
on CNN about Imelda Marcos. She is now a spokes person
for the Philippine shoe industry. Something about that.
I dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
almost had a <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/07/06/BART.TMP">BART</a>
strike. On the local news last night there were stories
of people worried about getting to work and this morning
there were stories about people being happy they could
get to work. I sympathize with them. I depend on public
transportation. But it felt like a way to make the BART
workers feel bad that they inconvenienced people. On
the other extreme I got the labour perspective from
<a href="http://www.kpfa.org/index.php">KPFA.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day on <a href="http://www.againstthegrain.org/">Against
the Grain</a> there was an interesting conversation
about a <a href="http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/FRARUL.html">new
book</a> in which they mentioned <a href="http://xroads.virginia.edu/%7EHYPER/VEBLEN/veblenhp.html">Veblen.</a>
I had to read Veblen for a class. I didn't quite get
that it was satire. The conversation clarified some
things for me in terms of the sense of entitlement the
ruling class feels and the way those of us not born
into it <a href="http://xroads.virginia.edu/~HYPER/VEBLEN/chap11.html">feel.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
try to understand how self interest becomes pathology.
We need self interest. And we need the awareness that
we are part of something larger and our needs aren't
the only needs in the room. People need to get to work
and people need to have labor rights. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
more to the point, we have leadership in this country
with a deeply imbedded sense of entitlement, a sense
of personal destiny. I sometimes like ideas about personal
destiny. I wish I had more of sense of positive personal
destiny and not just a longing for luck. But it's clear
that a sense of personal destiny can become
toxic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also
in the news we hear lots about angry protestors at the
G8 summit and not about the <a href="http://www.makepovertyhistory.org/whatwewant/index.shtml">reasons
for the anger</a>. <a href="http://www.creativevoyage.blogspot.com/">M</a>
was in the <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4645271.stm">streets</a>
though I doubt she was beating on a police person. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
world seems to me to be, as always, a place of unspeakable
cruelty and deeply moving kindness. Not battling against
one another but always teetering toward imbalance.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1393)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1393"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1091" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1091"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1091"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1091"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
7
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e891"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/163215/2">Danelle</a>
and <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/51400/3">Alena</a>
are in town. I got to spend some time with them. We
had a lunch and walked and talked. I got to hear about
the twenty-five year celebration for <a href="http://www.helanderdance.org/">the
company</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Twenty-five
years. Phew. I am older. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was fun but I'm always a little tense these days. I'm
always feeling like there's something I should be doing
that I'm not doing. It's hard to just relax. Not hard
to space out in front of the computer screen while I
look at jobs but hard to actually have fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
so cranky. I spend as much energy working on my attitude
as I do working on finding a job. Maybe more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1394)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1394"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1092" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1092"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1092"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1092"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e892"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago a friend told me about a book. I never wrote down
the name and I can't remember exactly what it was about
but it had to do with how things pile up. Like when
you're walking down the street and there are no cars
but when you get to the intersection three cars arrive
there too, so you hafta wait. It's not a big deal. Maybe
a little annoying.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been thinking about it because most of the time I'm
here alone. Right now Renee is in town. I get to see
her once, or twice a week. Which is great. Danelle and
Alena were here and I got to see them more than once.
Jeane was here. Jane may be coming. None of this is
annoying. Far from it. It's rejuvenating. I've been
having fun. It's just all happening at once. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways it feels like a turning point. Not for any
particular reason. These are all people I love. I've
been having great talks. It's just been good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1395)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1395"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1093" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1093"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1093"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1093"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
12
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e893"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had the great good fortune to spend time with <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Maria</a>
yesterday. She was kind enough to take me out for a
<a href="http://www.slanteddoor.com/">wonderful lunch</a>
and a <a href="http://www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com/html/coffee___tea.html#peets">coffee</a>.
We talked the joys of blogging and the hazards of blogging
and the complexity of the blog relationship. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
we talked about other stuff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
also brought me <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0316785261&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">some</a>
<a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0743456661&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">books</a>.
Fortuitous since I was two pages away from completing
the book I was reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
already been out that morning. I'd gone somewhere on
the <a href="http://www.streetcar.org/fline/index.html">F
line.</a> I do love those old cars. And so do all the
tourists. In the morning things had been mellow but
when I left Maria to go home there was a pack of people
waiting. Two cars went past, so full that they refused
to stop. I walked across the street and got on a less
historic bus, which I knew would drop me off in North
Beach. That bus was almost empty. As we pulled away
I looked back and saw all those people trying to pack
onto a trolley. I had to catch a second bus to get home
but it came quickly and was also somewhat empty. I felt
so city savvy.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maria
and Deb have both mentioned Ian Mcewan lately. Deb is
trying to read everything he ever wrote. When I got
home I wanted to add some of his books to my wish list.
I use the list to keep track of books. I recently began
to add discs. There's a contest at Amazon in which you
may win your wish list. You need to make a new list.
So I <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/ref=cs_top_nav_wl/102-6932958-7679332?type=wishlist">did</a>.
I just moved everything from my old list over to the new
one. And then I began to add a few things. Randomly.
They had an ad for a digital camera and I want one so
I added it. Suddenly I was shopping. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
always had an ambivalent relationship with Amazon.
I worry that they crush small local book stores. When
I link a book I try to use my small local stores. I
really think of Amazon for books. And if anyone uses
my list to buy me something I want them to find something
affordable. As I was ramping up to replace my lap top,
desk top, PDA and music system on Amazon's dime
(if I won) I began to feel creepy. I thought about making
two lists. One with all the big ticket stuff. It occurred
to me that if I won the contest and they sent me all
the electronics and not the books and music I would
be sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also know that there's a way to link to Amazon and build
points so that you get free books. I never mind when
other people do that. I'm always glad to think that
when I click to a book from their site they may end
up with another book. But I have that worry thing going
on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
something I've been thinking about lately. Using the
site for gain. There was a woman who created a site
to get rid of her credit card and student loan debt.
<a href="http://www.savekaryn.com/">She did and then
she wrote a book about it</a>. I think that's cool.
More power to her. After <a href="http://allaboutgeorge.typepad.com/all/2005/06/do_you_ever_fee.html">George
posted about people in need</a> I wanted to beg to be
added. I never have a problem when anyone has a Pay
Pal tip jar. And I am in really bad financial time.
Really, really bad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
yet, people have been helping me with groceries, books,
meals in restaurants, cash. I had a lavish birthday.
I'm living pretty large for someone on the brink. I
feel overwhelmed by people's generosity most of the
time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I just. I feel. I can't figure out. I dunno. There was
that moment last night when I was filling up my wish
list with stuff and I began to feel creepy. I really
hate feeling this much need so much of the time. I hate
the desperation. I hate the paranoia. I hate the greed.
I hate feeling like I need everyone I know to help me.
And I kinda do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
my book ever gets published I will have no trouble adding
a link to it. I think. I'm pretty sure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. Despite the fact that things are so precarious
I feel better than I have in a long time. More hopeful.
And I know that's because of all the kindness I've been
shown in the past few weeks. It's good to give and it's
good to receive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was hanging out on Amazon I noticed an old "page
I'd made" about a book by <a href="http://www.lindasleonard.com/">Linda
Schierse Leonard</a>. I have read all of her books but
one. I found her <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1882670957/qid=1121185707/sr=1-7/ref=sr_1_7/104-1101818-8298332?v=glance&s=books">book
about reindeer</a> years ago and was happy and surprised.
Usually her books are Jungian perspectives on self
work. I have her <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0609600931/qid=1121184763/sr=1-6/ref=sr_1_6/102-6932958-7679332?v=glance&s=books">most
recent book</a> but I haven't read it. I was afraid
I might not like it. Kinda like when you hook up with
an old friend and you have less in common. But after
the Amazon lust frenzy I felt the need to cool out.
So I pulled it off the shelf. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
It's all so good. And loopy. And. Real. Or somthin.
I just. I want to. I need to be able to pay my bills.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1396)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1396"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1094" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1094"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1094"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1094"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:06
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e894"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I was waiting for Maria the other day I noticed two
women and their children. They were right in front of
me but on the other side of a glass window. One mom
was putting sunscreen on her son, who was also wearing
a hat and a sunglasses. He wasn't so much wearing them
as he was playing with them. It was charming. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't remember sun screen when I was a kid. I have vague
memories of using it when I was teen. Slathering
on thick, greasy, stinky, stuff and posing on a
beach towel for two minutes until I got bored. Then
jumping in the pool and washing it off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
occurred to me that sun screen may be more important
to moms now. Maybe because we know more about what exposure
to the sun does to skin, or because there's less ozone.
I just thought about all the things a mom has to worry
about now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been remembering things from <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0465014909&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">The
Culture of Fear</a>. In the aftermath of the London
bombings I've heard at least two reports about packages
that were found in transit centers but turned out to
be nothing. Which makes you wonder why they were news.
And we've all been told to be vigilant. Ooooooooo. Scary.
Every time I'm on the Muni I hear an announcement to
be vigilant. There are posters urging vigilance. We
are on alert. Tense. I see it in the faces of the tourists
on the trolley. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was back at the Ferry Building yesterday for <a href="http://www.imperialtea.com/">tea
and Dim Sum</a> with <a href="http://harmoniousnote.blogspot.com/">Sonia</a>.
On the way in a nice young man held the door open for
me. I went back in after lunch and another young man
held the door and on the way out yet another young man
made an attempt to hold the door but couldn't figure
out to pull and not push. And then a young man on the
bus gave up his seat for me. That never happens. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I giving off some kind of new vibe? I do feel ... something.
Shifted. Or something. And everyday someone does something
kind for me. Feeds me. Gives me a gift. Holds open a
door. Have I changed? Are the stars lined up differently?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Things.
Actual things. Are pretty much the same in my life.
But they feel different. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1397)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1397"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1095" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1095"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1095"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1095"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
PM</font></font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e895"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first read the comment from anonymous I felt hurt
and angry. Which, I think, is human. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
biggest gift of the past few weeks has been the sense
that things are going to work out. It is in no way true
that I don't have to earn a living and I can no longer
do the work I've done all my life. Trying to find a
job, with no experience, at my age, in this city, is
challenging. Combining that effort with trying to get
my book published has been soul crushing. And the people
closest to me have picked me up, fed me and renewed
my strength for continuing the effort. I think the thing
that is making the difference in my life right now is
that I'm filled with gratitude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
most of my life I took great pride in the amount of
work I could do. In restaurants the work can be pounding.
And I took pride in the hours I worked and the amount
I could get done. Not being able to do that leaves me
with a gap of self esteem that I used to fill with labour
hours. Getting a BA and a MFA, writing a book. None
of it felt like work. <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
used to remind me that it was. It's not a good idea
to use work as a platform for your sense of self.
It's too shaky.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Rebecca
Solnit was on <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/archives/archives.php?id=17">KPFA</a>
the other day. You can listen to the show. She was talking
about her <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_0670034215,00.html">new
book.</a> I admire her and her writing. She was supposed
to work with me on my book and she bailed in a none
too expeditious manner. So I have some attitude about
her but when I listen to her talk I am always charmed.
She was talking about how writing works in her life.
The mechanics of it. The work of it. Something I'm always
trying to understand. When she talked about how she
spends her time it didn't seem like work but I knew
that it was. Writing turns everything into fuel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
go to <a href="http://www.thd.org/issuesandprojects/poolandplayground.html">the
pool</a> for different reasons. Some want to swim hard.
They are usually in the cooler lap pool. Splashing.
For others the pool is like a big hot tub. They want
to paddle about and chat. They like the warmer pool.
I want to swim. I'll chat if someone wants to chat but
I really like to keep movin. The warmer pool is the
one with the steps. That's where I swim. I already have
a friend, an eighty-seven year old woman, who arrives
every day just before I'm about to leave. I've had a
chance to do my laps so I swim around her and we chat.
It's always been that way in my life. I can't quite
keep up with the cooler, hard swim but I don't
want to dally. There's some part of me that always feels
the need to prove something about who I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had another reaction to the comment. When you write
on line and you try to be open and your life is the
source of your writing, you hafta expect that there
will be people who don't like you. I'm not sure why
but it seems that you do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
Then. It's another day. And I'm still swooning with
gratitude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1398)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1398"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1096" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1096"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1096"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1096"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:51
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e896"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been blogging long enough to know that when people with
no names leave comments you should ignore them. And
when people leave comments with a mean spirited tone
it's best to ignore them. I'm having a hard time writing
with no mention of it because it's like trying to pretend
there isn't this really stinky thing in the room. But
there isn't anything useful to say about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tough
love and unconditional love are opposites sides of a
conceptual coin. Real love is more difficult. I know
that my friends get tired of the way it's been for me
lately. Last year a friend told me they didn't want
to be my friend any more. I understand that. It is hard
to know someone through a time of struggle. People want
to believe that things can work out. When things aren't
working out for someone it brings up a lot of fear.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a slogan culture. Self help jargon comes from the pages
of advertising. Corporate culture wants us to be obedient
and self critical. Well-being is described by strengths.
Weakness is a pathology. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I indulge self pity? Yes. I do. I am neither proud,
nor ashamed of it. It's just part of being human. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
there more I could be doing to find a job and a publisher,
or an agent? No doubt there is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Have
I been stuck? It seems to me that I've written about
being stuck. And I've written about getting unstuck.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I stubborn and resistant? Often. Useful criticism is
always welcome. Shame is never welcome. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
really nothing to say to someone who doesn't listen.
Enough is enough I suppose. It is hard for me to not
get to a resolution of some sort. It's always been hard
for me to accept that there are people who can't see
past their own judgements. This is a funny experience.
I am watching myself struggle to make sense of the nonsensical.
I know I need to stop. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I will.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1399)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1399"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1097" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1097"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1097"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1097"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:51
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e897"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was eating a bowl of arugula with tofu salad. The arugula
was bitter and the tofu salad had spice and onions.
And I had a bowl of cherries, ripe and sweet. I went
from one to the other. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Too
much sweetness is too much. To much bitter and spice
is too much. I like it all. I wander back and forth
between them. Take from it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
the way it is right now. Really sweet. Really bitter.
Some spice. And me trying to take it all in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
be both.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
be neither.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1400)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1400"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1098" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1098"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1098"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1098"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e898"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/scholar/">The
Scholar.</a> Every episode. I still can't figure out
how I feel about it. It was kinda like Jeopardy meets
The Real World. It was full of those television things
but if you're going to watch television you can't really
expect otherwise. I was worried that the kids would
all get make-overs. That didn't happen. Happily. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was interesting because they were being judged both
on how they could distinguish themselves and how they
could work with others. A fine balance to establish.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/scholar/blogs/davis.html">one
guy</a> who was so confident and I didn't really like
him but he missed questions on quizzes twice when he
knew the answers. I felt for him both times. I test
badly. It's such a drag when you know you could have
done better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/scholar/blogs/amari.html">finalist</a>
that I wanted to win the full ride scholarship did not
win. But they all got some money. And lap tops. And
money to decorate their dorms rooms. I guess the make-over
theme had to sneak in somewhere. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
any kid watched the show and was inspired to go to college
then I think it was good. That's what hooked me. The
idea that scholarship was going to be rewarded. But
there were all these other things by which the kids
were measured. None of which were too egregious and
there was a strong focus on how they worked together.
I dunno. I'm not sure what bugged me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did surprisingly well on the biology quiz and I did
OK on the history quiz except for the dates. I suck
at remembering dates. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess it was the idea that a scholar is also a leader.
I'm not sure I think that's true. I think scholarship
often happens in quiet and is not competitive. Being
a big wig on campus is competitive. I suppose. Maybe
that's the thing that didn't sit well with me. There
wasn't a lot of discussion of big ideas. There was testing
and competing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/scholar/images/gallery/ep105/gallery.html?photo=3">a
debate</a> about Gay marriage in which <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/scholar/blogs/jeremy.html">one
of the kids</a> had to speak for the side of the issue
with which he did not agree. That was moving and could
have been expanded upon. Perhaps. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just wanted more about thinking. Instead of a focus
on who was attracted to who maybe a few conversations
between them on the issues of the day. Something more.
Some how. Which I suppose is unlikely to happen on reality
(cough) TV</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1401)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1401"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1099" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1099"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1099"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1099"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
20
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e899"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
pool is still free. Which is great for me. But I listened
to budget hearings in which pool employees were begging
for their jobs a year ago. The head of Park and Rec
at the time had the idea to not have a person who took
money but rather have the life guards take turns doing
it. There were people at the hearing who had been working
at a neighborhood pool for years and neighbors who were
there to speak for them. At our pool the life guards
and pool manager seem to do it all so I guess that was
what happened. There was a rumor that they would charge
in July but July, much to my chagrin, is half over.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the pool has added another swim on Mondays and Wednesdays
for elderly and special needs people. I get to go because
of my knee, which makes four time a week. I would go
every day if I could but four is good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is an evolving culture. If I get there in time I swim
half the length of the pool and back long ways. There
is a class the other end. When I got there yesterday
a woman had established a cross ways pattern. Which
was fine. One day a woman came in and began doing aerobics
right in the middle of the pool. People were trying
to swim around her and avoid each other but it wasn't
really working. It's always interesting to watch how
territory gets established and how conflict is resolved.
For the most part things go well. Everyone I talk to
loves the pool and is happy to be there so we're all
pretty mellow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Tuesdays and Thursdays I swim during the hour before
an aerobics class. The closer to the time for the class
the more people show up. There is a eighty seven year
old woman who comes. We always chat. And there is a
woman who uses a scooter to get around and the chair
to get into the pool though she can walk. I've seen
her in the neighborhood now. We know each other by name
now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
try to stay for the class but after an hour in the pool
I'm usually ready to go. I sit in the sauna for a few
minutes and then I'm out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1402)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1402"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1100" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1100"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1100"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1100"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e900"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
reason I've loved Joni Mitchell from the minute I first
heard her was because she wrote about complexity. She
understood herself to be a process and wrote from that
disorientation. And in so doing she carved out a clear
vision. Something that articulated my own experience
and made it easier to bear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up with a line from one of my <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=TheSireOfSorrow">favorite
Joni songs</a> in my head.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="311">
<tr>
<td width="305">
<span class="text" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial">I've lost all taste for life<br>
I'm all complaints<br>
Tell me why do you starve the faithful?<br>
Why do you crucify the saints?<br>
And you let the wicked prosper<br>
You let their children frisk like deer<br>
And my loves are dead or dying, or they don't come near
</font></span></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure why that line this morning because I'm not
feeling "all complaint." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I went swimming. I kept thinking about my post and thinking
I hadn't written it as I well as I might have. There
is all was. One man was swimming laps on his back. He
couldn't see and was taking up a fair amount of space
rotating his arms. He almost hit me as I was first getting
in. An older woman who I had seen the other day and
I acknowledged each other with shy smiles and nods.
The chatty woman from the neighborhood was there. She
and I began to swim in parallel lines and chat, all
the while trying to avoid the guy doing the back stroke.
It didn't work. He hit me once and her twice. He did
this very funny thing each time in which he would life
his head a bit and mumble something like hi/sorry
and then go back to his swim. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got out of the pool and went into the sauna. There was
one other woman there and we began to chat. First about
the wonders of the pool and then she said she needed
to go home and write. She had been a journalist and
was now doing text for a book. We began to talk about
writing until the chatty woman came in and chimed
in but took the conversation in another direction. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">None
of that bugged me, although any of it might have on
another day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the way to the pool my neighbor stopped me to say that
she had received a package for me. I knew a package
was coming from <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
but when I got home I stopped and got the box and
it was from Adrienne. She sent me <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0486218759/qid=1121961424/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7194593-0088067?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">a
book</a> that made me laugh out loud. If you've been
reading my comments lately you might understand why.
And she sent <a href="http://www.learntarot.com/vcdesc.htm">a
deck</a> that I've been wanting since last year when
I was inspired by <a href="http://www.willa.com/rarepeace/">Willa</a>
to take out my old deck and pull a card every day. Such
a fun box of enablement. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
art in the deck is so lush and fun. New cards are so
clean and hard. My deck is soft and worn from many hands.
I like both. I pulled a card.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="154">
<tr>
<td width="148">
<p><a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/highpriestess.shtml"><img src="Highpriestess.gif" width="146" height="266" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
also made me laugh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/67threnody/">Emily</a>
came over so that we could do some yoga together. We've
been going to do this for awhile. She brought me some
<a href="http://www.yogasite.com/yoga_store/prop-01.html">bricks</a>
that she no longer uses, which I am happy to have and reminded
me of some stretches that I had forgotten. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the evening I watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60001952&trkid=181026">The
Wind Will Carry Us</a>, which was beautiful and charming
and tried to knit while reading subtitles. <a href="http://www.helanderdance.org/">Danelle</a>
called in the middle of the movie to talk about a new
piece she's doing. It's been years since she and I got
to have long lucid conversations about art. It brings
back a sense of myself that I've missed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I woke up with those lyrics and the thought that
I didn't know what to do about a post. Should I talk
about getting a book, tarot cards and some yoga bricks?
Should I divulge that I had a nice day full of exercise
and interesting thinking? Should I confess that I have
a piece of writing about which I did much thinking yesterday
but no actual work on? And I did not find a job. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the process of looking for the lyrics I noticed <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/library/view.cfm?id=1317">an
interview</a> with Joni. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="306">
<tr>
<td width="300">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="text" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial">I'm happy one day and I'm unhappy the next. The
world gets to be too much with me. I take the world on my shoulders,
the whole goddamn thing, sometimes, which is not a natural thing to do.
But with me it is kind of reflexive because it has been my job for so
long to reflect on the world.</font></span><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get a lot of encouragement to not let things bother
me. It's good advice and I try to take it to heart.
But I am someone who reflects on things and sometimes
that takes energy that might be better used on other
things. I just hafta hope It's all grist for the mill.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1403)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1403"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1101" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1101"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1101"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1101"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
22
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e901"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A few
years ago I wrote about a plant. It had survived
so much neglect but had dropped all of it's leaves and
was then a stick in a pot. I thought about throwing
it out but I didn't. Slowly it began to produce leaves
again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
summer I repotted it. It seems like every day there
are more leaves. Some of them are huge. It's just the
most beautiful thing. Every morning when I walk into
the living room it's the first thing I look at. It has
become a symbol of renewal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
only one place in the room that it likes. If I move
it anywhere else it gets cranky. Other than that it
still doesn't require much of me. I woke up thinking
about it this morning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Speaking
of beautiful things. Go read <a href="http://www.koshtra.blogspot.com/2005_07_01_koshtra_archive.html#112181629643914413">what
Dale wrote.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1404)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1404"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1102" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1102"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1102"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1102"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e902"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
before I went to bed I heard a thing on the local news
about <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/07/22/BAGNIDRKA01.DTL&hw=west+nile&sn=001&sc=1000">West
Nile.</a> After I'd been in bed for awhile I heard the
sound of a mosquito. I don't really care if they bite
me I just can't sleep when they buzz in my ear. So I
turned on the light and began to read. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Out
of the corner of my eye I saw the little guy on the
wall. I say guy because I've heard that the male makes
all the noise. That may be apocryphal but it makes
sense to me. I swacked at him with my book and missed.
I swacked again and smashed him leaving a fairly large
smear of what I can only assume was my blood. Yuck.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I think I have West Nile? No. And if I do I'll fall
off that cliff when I get to it. It's that whole
culture of fear thing that I hate. Hear the news. Get
a bug bite. BE AFRAID !!! There is some truth to the
reason for fear but it's the fear that creates the space
for things like random searches in subway stations.
We rationalize the loss of civil liberty because of
the small truth behind the fear. Everything is distorted.
Real fear becomes hard to discern. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was just happy to know I could go back to sleep with
no buzz annoying me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1405)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1405"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1103" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1103"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1103"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1103"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e903"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't been writing about my Sims because I haven't
been playing much. The new game is cool but its full
of bugs. And the bugs really suck the fun out of it.
The new game is kind of like the never ending story.
Which may just be the way I play. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was playing yesterday. I had moved a family into a new
house. When you do that three of the neighbors will
stop by to welcome you. I usually ignore them. If there
is a wedding or a party going on they just walk in.
The woman in my family was pregnant and, just as the
neighbors arrived, went into labour. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
a Sim goes into labour everyone in the house will come
running and make all these funny faces. They sort of
jump and grab their head. Well the visiting neighbors
all did that and I noticed that they were all women,
two of which were pregnant and one who had just had
a baby.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="132">
<tr>
<td width="126">
<p><img src="SIMS2women.gif" width="128" height="96" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really have never figured out how to take the pictures
so that you can see things and I took this one a little
late. The woman in the back is still reacting but the
other two have stopped. If the picture was better you
could see that one woman is slightly bigger than the
other. It was like a meeting of the moms and it just
made me laugh to see them all doing the jump and grab
your head thing. It's just this kind of surprising,
funny, thing that keeps me playing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the woman had twins, which is always fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1406)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1406"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1104"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e904"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Something
from <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/library/view.cfm?id=1317">that
interview with Joni</a> has had me thinking. She thinks
moving around a lot as a kid made it easier for her
to deal with rejection. She was always being uprooted.
Change was the given. Loving her as I do I don't think
of her as someone who had much rejection but I do remember
how slammed she was for the Mingus album. I also remember
that she dragged me through those changes. I wasn't
sure I liked it when she was more rock-n-roll. I wasn't
sure I liked it when she was jazz. But I followed along.
And I loved it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first time I moved was when I was three months old.
Mom was leaving Dad but she didn't know it at the time.
The second time was when I was twelve or thirteen. Mom
and I moved into our own apartment. It was supposed
to be a good thing but shortly after my grandmom and
poppop went into a nursing home. A few years later we
moved to Maryland and again, it felt like a good and
a bad thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
always speculated that it had an impact on how I am
in a variety of ways. It's hard for me to root. I haven't
thought about it in terms of how I deal with rejection.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
moved a lot in my adult life. I've lived in the apartment
I am in now for longer than I've ever lived anywhere.
For the past few years I believed that I would move
anywhere for a job. And I would. But lately I realize
that I don't really want to. In some ways knowing that
much has felt good. Although, I'm not sure why.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1407)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1407"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1105" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1105"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1105"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1105"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e905"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
day after Renee was born <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/163215/2">Danelle</a> and I went on a road
trip from Boulder to SF. We spent a lot of time in a
coffee shop on the Haight, which I think was called
the Baby Grande, or the Grande Piano. I was reminded
of this yesterday when Renee and walked past it on our
way to see <a href="http://www.redvicmoviehouse.com/show.php?pageid=205">Harold
and Maud</a>. It's not a coffee shop any more. It's
an over priced used and vintage clothing store. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
went to the movie as we did <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e777">last
year.</a> It might be the last time. it might not. But
things feel wide open and full of both shiny possibility
and dark likely hood. It's the perfect movie to see
at such a time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Twenty
one years. Jeez. It boggles the mind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1408)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1408"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1106" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1106"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1106"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1106"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e906"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
spent some time reading <a href="http://www.thefatmanwalking.com/">this
site</a> the other day. I think these walk about projects
are cool. People do them for a variety of reasons. I
don't take issue with his purpose. It's his body. He's
on an adventure. Adventures are good. Will he loose
weight? Probably. And then he will go back into his
life. And he may be one of those people who maintains
an athletic level of physical activity and is hyper
vigilant about food and ... what ever. It's his body.
He gets to do what he wants. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I keep thinking about something he said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="270">
<tr>
<td width="264">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Being fat is physically and emotionally painful. It diminishes the
quality of the good things in life and it will ultimately bring about
an early demise. So being overweight darkens every good thing that you
achieve in your life and even prevents some things from happening at
all.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess. It's just different for me. Being fat has never
been painful physically. I've been thinking about that
lately.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
experience of my body is from the inside out. For years
and years people told me that I did not move like a
fat person. Since I was fat and I was moving the way
I was moving it seemed to me that I was moving the way
a fat person moves. Or at least the way I moved. But
now, with my knee problems, I move in that way that
I think is associated with being fat. This has only
been true for the last year or so. It just seems to
me like there are connections made that are not useful.
Would my knees hurt if I weren't fat? Maybe. The other
day Renee asked if my knee was better because I wasn't
limping as badly as I have been. I hadn't noticed, but
yes. My knee does feel better. I think it's the swimming
and the yoga. I don't feel like I've lost weight. If
I have it hasn't been much. So ... my knees feel better
and I'm still fat. What conclusion can be drawn? I obviously
can't speak about how someone else experiences their
body but I don't think it can be said that being fat
in and of itself is physically painful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
it emotionally painful? Well. I've experienced emotional
pain from unkind things that have been said to me, or
about me, or about being fat. But that's about the fat
hating culture in which I live. So I dunno. It's just
different for me. And I'm sorry it has been painful
for him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Does
being fat prevent some things from happening? Maybe.
But again. Why? Sort of not being able to fit in a space
smaller than I am there isn't much that being fat should
prevent. The way being fat from others, from the outside
in, shapes so much of that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
a person on the news, or a thin or average sized person
said the same thing I would be raging. But this is a
fat person telling his truth and having his experience.
I wish him luck. It makes me a sad. Not his adventure.
That seems like a cool thing. Of course he says he accepts
that he will lose his car and property. And he has a
family. So does that mean he will lose their car and
property? It's not clear. I hope not. He will be valorized
for his attempt to lose weight no matter what else he
does, or does not do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Seems.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Unfathomably.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wrong
headed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1409)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1409"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1107" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1107"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1107"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1107"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July
31
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:19
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e907"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I woke up yesterday the electricity was off. There was
probably some comic relief in watching me figure that
out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
morning I go from the bedroom to the bathroom to the
living room where I turn on the radio and the computer
before I go to the kitchen and put the water on for
tea. And so ... there I was standing at the radio, pushing
the switch back and forth. It took a truly stupid amount
of time for me to look around and notice that the VCR
clock was off and the refrigerator wasn't making any
sound. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
gas oven was still working so I put the water on and
made some muffins. I have a really old AM only radio,
which I listened to but there was no news. As far as
I know there was no news about it all day. I don't know
how long it was off. I think I was awake at about seven.
I ate some eggs while the muffins baked. I ate in the
kitchen instead of sitting in front of the computer.
It was nice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I had this weird disoriented feeling, similar to the
feeling I have right after an earthquake. I want to
talk to someone and know if they felt it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">About
8:30 or so it came back on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
posted some pictures for me of her BOOKS. I swear. I
hafta keep going back to look at them. I have a similar
reaction to the Viking stove but the books really get
me. I've seen most of them when she was living in San
Jose. It's hard because when you visit someone you want
to give them your attention and not go into a lost in
the library mode. I just love the look of shelves filled
with books.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a shelf full of books on which I will someday put
a <strike>plague </strike>plaque (DOH! ) which will read: These books are here thanks
to a generous donation from Kristina. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1410)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1410"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1108" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2005.htm#e1108"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1108"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
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