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<td width="688"><p><font face="Arial" color="#8094A0"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>July
2004</b></span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I've given up on my brain.<br>I've torn the cloth to shreds<br>and thrown it away.<br>If you're not completely naked,<br>wrap your beautiful robe of words<br>around you,<br>and sleep.
</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Rumi
-(via <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/06/ive-given-up-on-my-brain.html">Whiskey
River)</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e734" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e734"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e734"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:11
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/thirteen/">Thirteen</a>
and then I read <a href="http://botheration.org/ulysses/">some
Joyce</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may have done permanent brain
damage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thirteen
is stark and tragic. But there
are filters on the film so that sometimes
it looks almost black
and white and sometimes it looks
very blue, or grey. When the
color shifts you wonder about
the meaning. In some ways, and
this is an oblique way to say
it, there are times when
things look more real than others.
Things look very stripped. I
might watch the director commentary
to see what they had in mind.
Which isn't to say that it isn't
clear. But there was the feeling
of layers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Joyce?
Well. There are layers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of the day I did laundry and
struggled with my perspective.
I really do feel better than
I have in awhile. But sometimes
these pockets of steam release.
I made a promise to someone.
Someone who made declarations
of care for me. I made a promise
to keep my heart open and was
left sitting in the middle of
the highway. Waiting. Sooner
or later you realize that you're
waiting for someone who isn't
going to show up. And then you
wonder why you were so quick
to give your heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of the day I sat on the edge
of my bed folding underwear,
walked around the kitchen taking
dishes from the rack and putting
them on the shelf, pulling the
last of the meat off the roasted
chicken. All the while trying
to negotiate an internal minefield.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I watched a movie. And
then I read some. And then I
went to bed. And then I woke
up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ta
da. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Someone
paid me the compliment of telling
me I was honest. It's
a compliment that I take to
heart and treasure. At the same
time when I read it I thought
about truth I wish I'd never
told. A time I wish I'd kept
myself to myself. And not believed
what I was told. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
when I woke up this morning I didn't want to wake up.
I kept pushing my face back into my pillow and trying
to get back to dream space. But I was awake. I sat up
and took a deep breath. And then another. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1035)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1035"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e735" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e735"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e735"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
moon right this minute is 99.9 percent full. There's
something about that that simultaneously charms me and
makes my teeth chatter with fear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I was trying to come up with something else to
write about. Something other than the yammer of
my own inner process. I get tired of listening to it
myself. And given my penchant for extremes I kept thinking
about the Sudan. Comparisons between the suffering of
my little heart and the suffering there are not useful.
It would be disingenuous, more solipsistic than I normally am, just
wrong. It's not about comparison. It's about the times
when <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/sudan.html">I'm
learning</a> about what's going on there and everything
in my own heart and mind stops short. I don't feel competent
with political analysis. I feel overwhelmed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.moveon.org/news/sudan.html">Move
On sent an e-mail</a> suggesting that I call and or
send e-mail to Colin Powell (also <a href="http://feinstein.senate.gov/">Fienstein,</a>
<a href="http://boxer.senate.gov/">Boxer</a> and <a href="http://search.netscape.com/ns/boomframe.jsp?query=Nancy+Pelosi&page=1&offset=0&result_url=redir%3Fsrc%3Dwebsearch%26requestId%3D6ca7bbe3c534740d%26clickedItemRank%3D1%26userQuery%3DNancy%2BPelosi%26clickedItemURN%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.house.gov%252Fpelosi%252F%26invocationType%3D-%26fromPage%3DNSCPResults%26amp%3BampTest%3D1&remove_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.house.gov%2Fpelosi%2F">Pelosi</a>)
and urge him (them) to declare what's happening there
a genocide. The idea that stating the obvious will make
a difference kinda makes my head hurt but I sent the
e-mail. It felt like nothing. Showing up with food and
medicine would feel like something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://pagecount.burningbird.net/2004/06/creative-cookery.html">Mike
has some useful links</a>. And there is <a href="http://passionofthepresent.org/">a
blog</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1036)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1036"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e736" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e736"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e736"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm">Caroline</a>
is interviewing <a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?45442B7C000C07020E">Naomi
Shihab Nye. </a></span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="339">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><b><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.elise.com/quotes/poetry/naomi.htm">Kindness</a></span></b><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.elise.com/quotes/poetry/naomi.htm"><br>
</a></span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font><span class="lineheight" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Before you know what kindness really is<br>
you must lose things,<br>
feel the future dissolve in a moment<br>
like salt in a weakened broth.<br>
What you held in your hand,<br>
what you counted and carefully saved,<br>
all this must go so you know<br>
how desolate the landscape can be<br>
between the regions of kindness.<br>
How you ride and ride<br>
thinking the bus will never stop,<br>
the passengers eating maize and chicken<br>
will stare out the window forever.<br>
<br>
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,<br>
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho <br>
lies dead by the side of the road.<br>
You must see how this could be you,<br>
how he too was someone<br>
who journeyed through the night with plans <br>
and the simple breath that kept him alive.<br>
<br>
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, <br>
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. <br>
You must wake up with sorrow.<br>
You must speak to it till your voice<br>
catches the thread of all sorrows<br>
and you see the size of the cloth. <br>
<br>
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,<br>
only kindness that ties your shoes<br>
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and <br>
purchase bread,<br>
only kindness that raises its head<br>
from the crowd of the world to say<br>
it is I you have been looking for,<br>
and then goes with you every where<br>
like a shadow or a friend.</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1037)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1037"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e737" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e737"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e737"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.dagnabbit.com/art/">Craig</a>!!!
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="200">
<tr>
<td width="194">
<p><a href="http://www.dagnabbit.com/art/"><img src="torture.jpg" width="200" height="260" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:12pt;">One
of the things I like about this series is that when
you first look at them you see the cartoon quality and
you walk right in. And then it hits you. </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e738" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e738"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e738"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:09
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Words
are not flowing outta me. I type. And then I look at
the page and there are letters missing. Sentences that
don't make sense. Wasn't it Alice who said it takes
all the running you can do to stay in one place? Yes.
Well. It does feel like that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.dagnabbit.com/art/">Craig's
art</a> is so interesting to me. We live in an icon
culture. He has created icons that look familiar. They seem
initially welcoming and playful. And then you realize
that there is something too real and too uncomfortable.
I don't think it's his intention to trick anyone. I
think he's subverting the use of the icon. The easy
image. Art that is suppose to make us dreamy and distract
us from what's going on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think art that makes us dreamy is also important. I
think we need to relax and space out and drift. But
sometimes we cling to that space. I do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Morning
is so odd for me lately. I really try to stay asleep.
I don't want to be awake. I've never been that good
at sleeping. I used to run to the computer, anxious
for my on line community. And I still am in love with
most of my on line community. I was thrilled to see
a post from <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
after too many days gone. But. Some stuff has gone wrong.
So now I sit in front of the computer and feel the need
to control my desire. What a drag. And yet...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/index2.shtml">Amber</a>
sends word about a campaign at <a href="http://www.workingforchange.com/activism/action.cfm?itemid=17226">Working
For a Change.</a></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="402">
<tr>
<td width="396"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When
the PATRIOT Act was rushed through Congress soon after 9/11, one of the
little noticed provisions was section 215 which severely expands the
scope of materials the FBI can access with a warrant from the secret
Foreign Intelligence Surveillance court. In short, the FBI can demand
that bookstores and libraries hand over lists of all of their patrons
and what books they�ve purchased or borrowed. Adding insult to injury,
it also prevents bookstore owners and librarians from telling patrons
they're being watched or searched. </span></font></p><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
proposed amendment would prohibit the Department of Justice from using
any money in their budget to search a library or bookseller using the
wide-sweeping powers granted under section 215 of the PATRIOT Act. The
amendment would restore and protect the privacy and First Amendment
rights of library and bookstore patrons which were in place before the
USA PATRIOT Act.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Amber's
world has been a source of healing for me lately. First
there is the mighty <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/">Trinity
Doughnuts Tarot</a> and then there are the tales of
<a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">purple
yarn</a> and <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/seeds/">spruce
and pine trees.</a> It's so alive. I dreamed about the
TD last night. I dreamed about a king and there were
olives on the card. I dunno what it means. But it was
fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
while at Working For a Change I saw a <a href="http://www.workingforchange.com/activism/action.cfm?itemid=17153">campaign
there about the Sudan.</a> It's the same intent of the
one I mentioned yesterday. Oh I hope these words get
through. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://www.workingforchange.com/comic.cfm?itemid=17215">Fiore
</a>is good. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="215">
<tr>
<td width="209">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="black_normal" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Life is bigger
It's bigger than you<br>
And you are not me<br>
The lengths that I will go to<br>
The distance in your eyes<br>
Oh no I've said too much<br>
I set it up <br></font></span><span class="black_normal">
<br>
</span><span class="black_normal" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">That's me in the corner<br>
That's me in the spotlight<br>
<a href="http://www.remhq.com/flash/lyrics/lyrics.html">Losing my religion<br></a>
Trying to keep up with you<br>
And I don't know if I can do it<br>
Oh no I've said too much<br>
I haven't said enough <br>
<br>
I thought that I heard you laughing<br>
I thought that I heard you sing<br>
I think I thought I saw you try <br>
</font></span><span class="black_normal">
</span>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="black_normal" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Every whisper<br>
Of every waking hour I'm<br>
Choosing my confessions<br>
Trying to keep an eye on you<br>
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool<br>
Oh no I've said too much<br>
I set it up <br></font></span><span class="black_normal">
<br>
</span><span class="black_normal" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Consider this, consider this <br>
The hint of the century<br>
Consider this<br>
The slip that brought me<br>
To my knees failed<br>
What if all these fantasies<br>
Come flailing around<br>
Now I've said too much <br>
<br>
I thought that I heard you laughing<br>
I thought that I heard you sing<br>
I think I thought I saw you try <br>
<br>
But that was just a dream<br>
That was just a dream</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
</td>
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</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
Other peoples words are in my head these days. Saying
everything better than I can. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1038)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1038"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e739" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e739"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e739"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mom
sent an article about a guy
who drove truck all his life
and then, in his forties, went to college, got
his BA and then his MFA. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sound
familiar? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
week after
he graduated he got a job teaching
and is living happily ever after.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh
huh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure why she sent it. I
guess she was just thinking
it would give me hope. And I
guess it should. I guess. Because
things do work out for some
people. So. You know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Things
work out for other people. What does that have to do
with me? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was listening to her on the
phone last night and I had the
TV on with the sound off. I
was mindless flipping through
the channels and came upon a
free preview of a movie channel
on which was <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=73&movieid=60024922">Eight
Mile.</a> And there was some
stand up mad sex goin on.
Know what I'm sayin? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'm watching this while Mom
is talking about making muffins
with the sour dough starter.
And my brain feels like it's
splitting. Like I can't contain all the things that
are going on the world and hear about muffins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
would Freud say? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh,
it's a joke. A friend and I used to say that to each
other all the time. What would Freud say? But it was
a moment that could be analyzed. I would think. Probably
wouldn't take much. Not much at all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the last half of the first Anais journal she writes
a lot about meeting her father and the relationships
she has with men. It's so resonant for me. Romance and
bad faith. Yeah. I hadn't read anything so full of psychological
thought in awhile. Or maybe just not that kind of way
of thinking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah,
parents. By the time you're fifty-one you hope you won't
be processing stuff about your parents. And here I am.
Idiot-savant of the self. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1039)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1039"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e740" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e740"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e740"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="393">
<tr>
<td width="387">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">At a time like this, scorching irony, not convincing argument, is
needed. O! had I the ability, and could reach the nation's ear, I
would, to-day, pour out a fiery stream of biting ridicule, blasting
reproach, withering sarcasm, and stern rebuke. For it is not light that
is needed, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need
the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake. The feeling of the nation
must be quickened; the conscience of the nation must be roused; the
propriety of the nation must be startled; the hypocrisy of the nation
must be exposed; and its crimes against God and man must be proclaimed
and denounced. -<a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html"> Frederick
Douglass</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1040)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1040"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e741" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e741"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e741"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
and went to see <a href="http://www.thecorporation.tv/about/filmcredits.php">The
Corporation</a>. Half way through
it if you had handed me a suicide
pill I woulda swallowed fast.
Things just seemed so grim.
But by the end I was feeling
... oh ...I don't know. Still
scared and angry but hopeful.
There is good work being done.
There is resistance. It
wasn't new information for me.
And still it freaked me out.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the evening, the grrrl gang showed up with
BBQ and pie. Flinstones food.
The biggest plate of ribs and
chicken ever. And little bowl of
potato salad. The pie was strawberry
rhubarb that they had baked. Very good. Ala mode.
Of course. Chocolate rum and
orchid vanilla ice cream. Ooooo. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
fog was thick. We went up on
the roof to watch the <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/07/05/ba_fireworks006ls.jpg&paper=chronicle&file=FOURTH.TMP&directory=/c/a/2004/07/05&type=news">fireworks</a>
but they were muted and eerie.
Instead of dandelion puffs in
different colors it was just fog with a red hue and
sparks. Sometimes it looked like the
aurora borealis. Kate said she
kept thinking about the bombing
of Baghdad. Smart grrrls in
my gang. After we were all a
little creeped out. Renee and I said we like the gathering
together for food but not the jingoism and feeling of
war zone.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think everybody I've ever known was in my dream. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1041)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1041"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front
of me and look at me, what do you know of the grief's that are in me and
what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you
and tell you, what more would you know about me that you know about
Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason
alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently,
as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell. - Kafka
(via <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/2004_07_01-15_archives.html#07.03.2004">Wood_s
Lot</a>)</span></font> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e742" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e742"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e742"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
pM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was thinking of changing my tag line to blogging the
breakdown. I almost did. But that was when I was in
the worst of the free fall and feeling like I wasn't
going to survive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have. Survived. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get such wonderful support for people. I got e-mail
from someone the other day that brought the blush back
to my cheeks. It's really just too wrong to stay in
free fall mode. I wrote about needing to learn to walk
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e716">on
my birthday</a>. More than <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e730">a
week later</a> I was talking about being on my knees
and it seemed like progress. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend adopted a Korean child years ago. The adoption
people told her not have too many people in the child's
life at first. Something about bonding. But the mom
and dad were in the beginning of what would be the end
of their marriage and they were in therapy trying to
work things out. I got to baby sit when they were gone.
The little girl would crawl into the bathroom where
her mother's robe was hanging on a hook. She would press
her face into the robe and cry such a heart wrenching
cry and look at me as if to say, "You are not the
one I want. I want her. Where is she?" </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
would talk in my best soothing voice but to no avail.
I was not the one. Finally I came up with a new idea.
I sat a few feet away from the bathroom door playing
with her toys. I didn't look at her. Eventually she
came out to see what I was doing. If I looked at her
she went back to the robe. Slowly she came out and began
to play with the toys. Slowly we began to play together.
We got through therapy night every week but first she
had to let me know that I was not the one. Love like
that is amazing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways I've had my face buried in someone's robe
and weeping and no one is the one I want and I want
everyone to know that. But I have very smart friends.
They just keep playing, close enough to me that I am
tempted to join them. They let me know they are there.
They witness my weeping. And they wait. Love like that
is amazing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sadness
is just a part of the deal. I was sad all day. But it
didn't feel terrible. It just felt real. I wasn't struggling
with it. It wasn't pulling at me. It was just sadness.
Having a day. The quality was different from the way
I've been feeling. Depression is rather more insipid.
Depression is global and full of generalization. Sadness
was just what it was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems to me I've said enough is enough about twenty
times a day for about a month. Funny, the heart. The
heart must listen to the efforts of the mind the same
way a thirteen year old listens to her parents. Enough
is enough. Yadda yadda. What ever. Leave me alone with
my face pressed into this robe. Leave me to breath in
the scent of loss and sorrow. There is only one thing
I want. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="329">
<tr>
<td width="323">
<p><img src="drawing.jpg" width="320" height="496" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
bought myself one of those mini artist model things
and spent some time trying to remember how to draw.
It was a good idea. Pulled my head out of the robe for
awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1042)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1042"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e743" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e743"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e743"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
place where the grrrl gang got the <a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/brotherinlaws/index.htm">BBQ</a>
gave them bags full of wheat bread to soak up the sauce.
It's more like brown white bread. We didn't use it but
I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I toasted
it. It's like eating cardboard. It's not terrible but
it lacks substance. The wheat bread that I <a href="http://vitalvittles.com/">normally
eat</a> has substance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
thinking about it in part because I'm eating the not
that great toasted wheat bread and because I got <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/2004/07/its-john-edwards-and-republicans.html">the
news from Susan</a>. I'd like to be more excited. I'm
just not. But OK. Now I know <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/0707041.shtml">who</a>
I'll be voting for. I'm still keeping my <a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/">Kucinich</a>
button up. Just to be ornery. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kate
showed me how to knit. While she was here I felt like
I had the hang of it. Last night I went back to try
again and it was comic. I just don't have it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.sonyclassics.com/alltherealgirls/">All
The Real Girls</a>. It is such a wonderful movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
feels like Monday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1043)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1043"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e744" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e744"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e744"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/knittingtarot/">Knitting
and tarot</a>. Yours for <a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/products_id/30?osCsid=f01320cb1dbd40f838c4fd779c5ff06c">the
wearing</a>. Is that the coolest? I swear. My
vocabulary reduces to three words. That's so cool. And
you have to count the contraction as one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1044)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1044"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e745" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e745"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e745"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first began to watch DVDs
I was fascinated with the expanded
features. I even watched an
actor commentary for <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60020570&trkid=73">Steal
This Movie.</a> I wasn't interested
in sitting through a film twice
to hear commentary again until
my <a href="http://www.egofilmarts.com/">Egoyan</a>
festival. I'd like to have dinner
with him. And his wife. I like
the way they think. Yesterday
I listened to David Gordon Green
and Paul Schneider talk about
<a href="http://www.sonyclassics.com/alltherealgirls/">All
the Real Girls</a>. I put <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=3257&movieid=60003758">George
Washington</a> in the queue.
Again. I like the way they think.
In all of those films it was
about the sentience. It's hard
to say what the films are about.
There are stories. But the stories
aren't the most important part.
The feelings. The moments. The
images that grab your eye and
take you somewhere. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://jmcolberg.com/weblog/">Joerg
Colberg</a> linked <a href="http://www.alesh.com/">these
photos</a>. I've always loved
the way a wall <a href="http://www.alesh.com/">can
look.</a> Something you might
walk by everyday and then one
day the light hits it in just
such <a href="http://www.alesh.com/07.htm">a
way </a>and you feel like your
eyes <a href="http://www.alesh.com/08.htm">are
opened.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was a kid, in my high school
years and even in my early adult
life, I spent a lot of time
writing in journals and drawing.
The writing came and went but
the drawing really fell off.
When I was at <a href="http://search.netscape.com/ns/boomframe.jsp?query=new+college&page=1&offset=1&result_url=redir%3Fsrc%3Dwebsearch%26requestId%3D2cac320d5efb7325%26clickedItemRank%3D2%26userQuery%3Dnew%2Bcollege%26clickedItemURN%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.newcollege.edu%252F%26invocationType%3D-%26fromPage%3DnsBrowserRoll%26amp%3BampTest%3D1&remove_url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newcollege.edu%2F">NCOC</a>
I took a couple drawing classes.
I noticed that I became giddy
after three hours of drawing.
It shifts me into a very blissed
out place. That's part of why
I'm trying to draw. I need that
out of my thinking brain place. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
something about seeing. Really
seeing. My best moments have
not been about anything. They've
been a moment of being aware.
Often stimulated by a shift
of light on a wall. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Of
course one of my best moments
was hanging out in the park
with George. Happy birthday,
<a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1045)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1045"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e746" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e746"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e746"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
than once I've been told to do some kind of food writing.
I've been trying to come up with something. The problem
is that when I'm depressed I lose my appetite. I know
fat people are supposed to eat more when they're depressed
but I just get the fat-people-are-supposed-to stuff
wrong. Which is not to say that I don't comfort myself
with food. I absolutely do. But at a certain level of
depression food doesn't get it done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
will be a point in the middle of the day when I realize
that I feel terrible and even my body feels terrible
and then I think about if I've eaten and I realize I
haven't. It's really hard to think of what to eat at
that point. Because I am hungry but nothing sounds good.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/index.asp">Planet
O</a> brought some white peaches and nectarines. They
are giving off a perfume from the big purple bowl in
the kitchen. I find that comforting. A white peach is
a reason to live. I am, in fact, eating one in a bowl
with some blueberries and two strawberries and some
yoghurt. I have some rye toast and green tea. it's a
good way to start the day. My bout of <a href="http://www.yourdictionary.com/ahd/a/a0307850.html">anhedonia</a>
may be letting up.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
brings me back to the problem of writing. Food writing.
I guess I could start with the purple bowl full of white
peaches and nectarines. Although, I was thinking about
a piece about my childhood love of baloney. My grandmom
would give me two slices of baloney cut into fours and
eight saltines. And I sat at the dining room table matching
the perfect corner of the baloney with the perfect corner
of the saltine. and eating each one as if it were pate
on toast points. Every once in awhile I get a craving
for baloney. But now I eat it on a baquette with heirloom
tomato and watercress. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1046)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1046"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e747" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e747"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e747"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
just in. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="358">
<tr>
<td width="352">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">"While
there are many things I like about your
book, ultimately I have decided to pass.
I am limited in the amount of projects I
can take on, and I'm just not enthusiastic
enough to feel that I could do you justice."</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Signed:
Another person in the world who thinks you're very cool
but just doesn't feel <i>that</i> way about you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1047)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1047"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e748" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e748"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e748"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep trying to post. I'm just a little bit blank. It's
not just the rejection. It's a build up. I'm OK. I'm
just in a zone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1048)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1048"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e749" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e749"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e749"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:06
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People,
in other parts of the country, keep telling me that
it's hot. True to form, SF is not hot at all. It is,
in fact, a bit chill. I noticed the other evening when
I opened the back door to put some things in the recycling
box and the gray, damp air hit my skin in a poof. The
days aren't too cold but the evenings are bury under
the covers time, which suits my mood. For the past few
days I've been under the covers. Sometimes actually
under them and other times metaphorically. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
Ari took me out for lunch at <a href="http://www.samovartea.com/about.htm">Samovar</a>.
I had a grilled gouda and tomato sandwich and some veggie
samosas. Everything is done in a tea shop manner. Small.
Delicate. Very beautiful. The sandwich was sliced baguette
and there were four little parts with crunchy outsides
and oozing smoky, tangy insides. Mmmm. I also had
Monkey Pickled Iron Goddess of Mercy tea. Because the
name was so intriguing. All served by beautiful, fey
boys with break your heart wide open smiles.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then we went swimming at the <a href="http://www.jccsf.org/">JCC.</a>
We did an aerobics class. I thought I might be sore
today but I'm not really. Which, I suppose is a testimony
to how good yoga is for the muscles. And I've been doing
a little routine with hand weights lately. So when we
did arm things my arms were strong. We did lunges and
squats and kicks. Things I couldn't do on dry land.
The water makes all things possible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari
is one of those fat woman</a> who I imagine people think
eats junk food and never moves. She's a vegetarian with
a great sense of good food and no love of junk. She
does yoga and swims regularly. I dunno. I guess when
you really take the time to know fat people you realize
that there is no one type. I certainly have met fat
people who don't eat vegetables and don't really do
much. I've met thin people with the same profile. And
let me be clear about how I feel about those people.
I don't care what they eat or how much they move. It's
none of my business. I will say that when people tell
me they don't like vegetables I want to cook for them
right away. It is hard for me to accept that people
don't like vegetables. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
Ari in the pool made me smile. She's a cutie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">With
all that Zen calm and water and good talk with Ari I
find it easier to breath today. But I still feel the
heaviness in my eyes. The storm that's been living there
for what feels like forever. It really hasn't been forever.
And I can still smile and giggle when I'm in a pool
with a group of women doing run in place like a football
player exercise. It's just so cute.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend who is a teacher told me about the notion of
a shit sandwich. First you tell them the good things.
Then you tell them the criticism. Then you praise them.
It made me laugh because I think I do something like
that when I'm trying to tell someone something difficult.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing about the letter that got me was they way in which
it complimented the book and then said but I don't wanna
help you get it published. It seems so arbitrary. It
seems like something that is said in such a way that
implies it's no big deal. It's no big deal that I know
how to navigate the waters of the publishing industry
and you don't but I won't help you. It's no big deal
that your book is readable and maybe even good but may
never get attention. I mean, I know I'm running all
these things out in my own head but it's hard not to.
I'm still waiting to hear from another small press.
And there are other agents. And self publication is
looking something that I ought to think more about.
I mean, sometimes if you wanna get something done you
just gotta do it yourself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
certainly the corner stone of my sex life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">See?
I can sill crack wise. I'm OK.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to do a long blog crawl. I'm outta touch. I did
check <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a> out to see if Mark was linking <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/12/books/12NERU.html">Neruda</a>.
<a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/2004_07_01-15_archives.html#07.12.2004">He
was</a>. Of course. Lots there to read. Including a
link to <a href="http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/poetry/story/0,6000,1252694,00.html">one
of my favorites.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Looking
around the desk I see the detritus of days spent in
a zone. Stacks of mail. Dental floss and hairbrush and
kitchen towel sitting on the desk where they were dropped
rather than put back where they live. Tarot deck with
the card of the day from a week ago on top. The bed
is unmade. There are dishes in the sink. The day is
almost over. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there ya have it. I'm making it sound worse than it
is. But I am moving in slo mo. The covers are calling.
And the urge in me is to get back under. I guess I'll
do the dishes before I do. and maybe go through the
mail. And maybe little actions will move me to the next
thing. And the next thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1049)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1049"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">You are going to ask: and where are the lilacs?<br>
and the poppy-petalled metaphysics?<br>
and the rain repeatedly spattering<br>
its words and drilling them full<br>
of apertures and birds?<br>
I'll tell you all the news.(...)</span></font>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">- <a href="http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/816.html">Neruda</a>
(via <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/2004_07_01-15_archives.html#07.12.2004">Wood_s
Lot</a>)</span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e750" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e750"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e750"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a long talk yesterday with a friend who no longer
watches the news because it brings up negative thoughts.
She talked about choosing to be positive. I thought
about her this morning when I turned on the radio and
heard about the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/a/2004/07/14/international0623EDT0479.DTL">car
bombing</a>. There are two things you almost expect
to hear every morning. There was a car a bombing and/or
someone was kidnapped. I often wonder how it's possible
to hear those words and not be upset. I'm not always
upset when I hear them. I have the detachment of the
safe at home. Imagine if there was a car bomb in an
American city. Then we'd be upset. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not so much that I am advocating for being upset. It's
just that there is a part of me that wants to be mindful
of the problems of others. Participation in the sorrows
of life with awareness. I also know that there are days
when I can't hear it. There are days when I can't hold
it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Depression
has a physiological attribute. The brain is trainable.
Certainly I think the best thing is to have a generally
positive outlook and be aware that there are things
I can't do much about. I have been making efforts to
work with my brain. But it isn't my intention to become
less aware. I think a deeply integrated balance can
hold the sorrows and the joys. And I don't think I'm
doing a great job of maintaining perspective. It's been
a rough year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first noble truth. Life is suffering. I remember being
somewhat horrified by that thought when I first heard
it. I remember the face of the woman who said it to
me. She had such a dour look on her face. Such a hang
dog look. And my reaction was to pull away from her
and her idea of how life was and seek a more joyful
approach. I hear the first noble truth differently now.
I hear it as a matter of fact kind of thing. Just a
truth. Very simple. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was in the pool the other day looking at the earnest
faces of the women, most of them older and not particularly
fit, concentrating so hard on right foot/left arm lunges,
I felt joy. They were all so intent. So committed. And
it was also kinda silly. Right foot/left hand? It made
me giggle. I caught the eye of one of the women and
we burst into big smiles and giggles. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/07/14/national0432EDT0460.DTL">floods</a>
and <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/07/14/international0808EDT0509.DTL">bigger
floods</a>. There are <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/07/13/national1619EDT0634.DTL">wars.</a>
And <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/07/14/MNG027L6EN1.DTL">rumors
of war</a>. And for me there is a lost uncertain feeling.
What do I do? What can I do? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
there are also moments of grace. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
interesting. After I talked to my friend I wasn't particularly
interested in thinking only positive thoughts. I certainly
wasn't going to never listen to the news again. But
I did feel recommitted to strengthening myself internally.
Which today means doing laundry. It's the chop wood
carry water approach to enlightenment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1050)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1050"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e751" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e751"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e751"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:03
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
mighty Paul Campos wrote <a href="http://www.spiked-online.com/Articles/0000000CA5E7.htm">an
article about Anamarie</a>. <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001335.php">Paul
blogged it.</a> Nothing like a little outrage to snap
a person out of lethargy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is <a href="http://www.size-acceptance.org/return_anamarie.html">a
page</a> with links to updates about Anamarie. <a href="http://www.withoutmeasure.com/wom0903_page10.html">She
seems to be fine</a>, although I read somewhere that
she was afraid of being taken out of her home again.
It's stories like this that bring home the problematic
nature of the way we view fatness culturally. To say
the least. On the same web site there is <a href="http://www.spiked-online.com/Articles/0000000CA568.htm">another
story</a> about a three year old who died and how her
death was wrongly used to sell the idea that kids are
eating themselves to bad heath. It's just too simplistic.
It doesn't take into consideration the whole range of
possibilities in terms of why an individual is fat.
There is no one fat body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was interesting for me to read Mindy's comment the other
day. I thought it was nice that she took the time to
tell me that she liked my writing despite the fact that
she doesn't like my politics and finds my "size acceptance ideas to possess a narrowness that belies your apparent intellect".
I wasn't sure how to take that last bit. Someone
once left a comment that was something like - you're
too smart to think like this. Huh? I was also confused
because Mindy is associated with <a href="http://www.abundancemagazine.com/">Abundance
magazine</a>. I guess I could write and ask her which
of my ideas are the narrow ones. But I haven't felt
up to any big discussions and I really did think it
was kind for her to be so supportive of my writing.
She is a <a href="http://abundancemagazine.com/scribes/mindysommers/salome.html">fine
writer</a> herself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
ideas are narrow I suppose. I NEVER think it's
OK for a fat person to experience discrimination in
employment, housing, medical care, access to public
facilities, and, and, and ... and I don't think the
thin and average size people of the world get the extent
to which fat people experience discrimination. I think
it is true that people eat crap fast food and spend
too much time in front of screens. But some of those
people are thin. So let's talk about those bad habits
but let's be fair when we're having the conversation.
Let's leave the fat phobia out of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anamarie
was TAKEN OUT OF HER HOME.. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember when it was happening. The family was on some
morning talk show looking terrified. And where is that
talk show now? Why aren't they telling the rest of the
story? She's still fat. She's healthy, active and relatively
happy except for the bad dreams about being TAKEN OUT
OF HER HOME again. It just makes me wanna scream and
yell. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1051)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1051"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e752" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e752"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e752"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:45
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Strange
day. I got the laundry done. And the dishes. And this.
And that. Everything seemed to take a very long time.
I'm still in a fog. Not really with myself in some fundamental
way. Every once in a while I notice that I'm moving.
But I can't remember why.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1052)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1052"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e753" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e753"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e753"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just watched <a href="http://www.ifcfilms.com/camp/test.html">Camp</a>.
It's not a great movie. But there are things about it
that make it worth watching. Especially if you were
one of those kids in high school who was in the musicals.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh
hem.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Like
me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
singing is fantastic. Some of the dancing is pretty
great. Some of the plot lines are sweet. There was one
character. She's a fat girl who is at the camp despite
the fact that her father wants her to be at diet camp.
The compromise they have is that she has her jaws wired
shut. Through most of the movie she's talking through
her clenched teeth. And then they have her sing a song.
The camp counselors take of her braces because she is
the only one who can take over when two other girls
can't perform. Of course those kind of braces wouldn't
come off that easily. But what ever. The song is about
taking a stand. She's singing to her dad. She's a wonderful
singer. Despite the cliche quality of it all I was weeping.
She was so beautiful and she was saying this is who
I am. Deal with it. A fat girl singing - here I am.
I loved it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was in both my high school musicals. I played the queen
in <a href="http://www.stageagent.com/cb/info.pl/ti/once_upon_a_mattress">Once
Upon A Mattress</a>. Heh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Watching
the movie took me back to a time when everything was
possible and if the odds were against you then all the
better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1053)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1053"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e754" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e754"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e754"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I went down to Market street for coffee with Sonia.
We were on a part of Market that I don't usually go
to. Very business. I kept thinking about how years ago
I used the word straight to mean someone who was stuck
in a conservative way of thinking. The word still comes
to mind when I'm watching herds of people walk by, many
of them in suits. But the codes aren't really clear
any more. The guy with the suit and brief case and cell
phone has a Thursday afternoon session with a dom in
Soma. The guy with the long hair has a portfolio full
of oil stock. It's the guys with long hair who really
break my heart. If I have one physical quality that
I am almost always attracted to it's long hair on men.
But it doesn't mean what it used to mean. It's not an
automatic signal of counter culture. What's an aging
hippie chick suppose to think? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Even
knowing the codes are all mixed up I feel out of place
in the business world. I worked in <a href="http://www.worldfinancialcenter.com/dining/?id=8">a
restaurant</a> in the World Financial Center years ago.
I always felt like serving class. I was. I was happy
to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the bus there were two other people. We all ended up
clustered in the middle. In part that was because the
two single seats were there. But somehow it felt as
if we should know each other. We were in that close
but invisible relationship you experience in the city.
I looked out the window at the lines of folks at bus
stops and at tables on patios and on steps of buildings
and walking so fast with somewhere they needed to be.
So many people. And me. Drifting. Watching. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1054)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1054"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e755" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e755"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e755"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been remembering this time, years ago, when I was standing
in front of my apartment building looking up into a
sky still sparking with storm. I was upset about something.
I can't remember what. And I had the thought that somewhere
in me I understood everything that was going on. Or
maybe someday, somewhere. I'd find myself in some place
where it all made sense. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have always had a sense of something larger. There is
something going on bigger than what we can grasp and
at the same time very simple. Something understood in
the quietest moments. I mean this in a mystical sense
but I also mean it in political sense and in a <a href="http://www.imho.com/grae/chaos/chaos.html">chaos
theory</a> sense. So many things are moving around us.
My personal theology is best summed up in the words
- I don't know. But I do know that there is mystery.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
place where I get confused is when I look for a narrative
line. The butterfly flapped its wing and then ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my big soul, big mind, big heart place I believe strongly
in the need for forgiveness. In fact I think it's the
most important thing to me. And in my big soul, big
mind, big heart place I think forgiveness is almost
easy. Because the narrative line is just a story. And
there are many stories being told. Most of which will
be forgotten. But in my right here and now place I often
find forgiveness problematic. There is no one I wouldn't
forgive and nothing I wouldn't forgive. But that doesn't
always mean that I want to be with a person. There is
a saying about Sufis. Sufis forgive but they never forget.
I don't know enough about being a Sufi to know if it's
accurate but I know that there's something in it that
rings true for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a desire, an intention, that when I reengage with
a person I will know that they may be a wholly different
person. Possibilities abound. But I also know that people
don't change. Some people don't even want to change.
I'm not even sure if I can describe what I mean by change
but in my own life I've actively sought change. Not
because I think I'm so terrible but because change seems
the only certain thing. The alive thing. And I like
people who seem like they get that. People who think
about possibility. People who are willing to look deeply
in to the mechanics of who they are and who we are.
I need a feeling of mutuality. A commitment to telling
and hearing deep truth. I know that without that moment
of deep, eye to eye, heart to heart truth telling I
never fully engage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
certainly true that relationships happen on different
levels. I know and love many people with whom I've never
needed a deep conversation. I love Dorothy, the woman
who is the crossing guard for the middle school across
the street. I'm crazy about her. She makes me feel better
about life. But sometimes you meet people and you know
that things are going to go deep. And with those people
I have different need. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
week I've been thinking about forgiveness that I need
to work on. I'm not sure if it's ever complete when
you do it alone. It's so much easier when you can have
that moment of deep truth telling. For me, it really
doesn't take much. I just need to know that someone
is looking at it with me. They don't even necessarily
need to see things the way I do. But they need to be
with me. Looking. And there is another part of me that
thinks that requiring anything from anyone isn't true
forgiveness. Which takes me back to the big soul, big
heart big mind place. The place where it's all OK. The
place where I know I don't fully understand and might
not even be able to fully understand.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
of this happens inside my ever rumbling head. And it
keeps me busy and distracted and spaced out. I read
a few things about writing last week. One a <a href="http://batfacedgirl.blogspot.com/2004/07/how-to-be-writer_12.html">quote
from Lorrie Moore</a> and the other a <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000385.html#000385">post
from Maria about her own hypergraphia</a>. When I was
younger I wrote reflexively. These days I'm finding
it so hard. I can barely get a post together every day.
Mostly because I'm sick of the sound of my own story.
And my struggle for perspective isn't going well. The
only thing I can think to write about is how hard it
is to write. And that pulls me back into the thinking
about why I've been feeling so bad and the need for
forgiveness and the process of forgiveness and how much
I long for really moments of deep truth telling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ahhhhh.
Well. Deep breath. Sometimes it's best to just let go.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
thinking about <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000386.html#000386">Maria</a>
today. Sending thoughts of calm and hopes for clear
and useful information. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1055)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1055"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e756" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e756"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e756"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago, if you wanted to find me on a Sunday night, you
went to the mezzanine of <a href="http://www.boulderado.com/">Hotel
Boulderado</a>. I would be there listening to <a href="http://www.steveconn.com/home.html">Steve</a>
play piano, sing and do political commentary. On Mondays
I'd be at McCabes listening to he and his band, Gris
Gris, play New Orleans style rhythm and blues. I would
have spent every night of the week listening to him.
I still would. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Once
in your life I wish you could hear him sing The Battle
Hymn of the Republic. It will change the way you hear
the song. Steve made other people's music more real
for me. I was going through one of the two great heart
breaks of my life. Heart break that make this last one
look like a teenage crush. And given how much I'm suffering
that one you can imagine how bad it was. Steve would
<a href="http://www.lyricsdepot.com/kenny-loggins/you-dont-know-me.html">sing</a>
<a href="http://www.officialtomwaits.com/music/m_lyrics.htm">songs</a>
for me. Songs that would soak up the pain. Songs that
I still hear in his voice, even when they are sung by
the people who wrote them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Steve
self produced his last two discs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="317">
<tr>
<td width="250">
<p><a href="http://www.steveconn.com/music/index.html"><img src="rom.gif" width="206" height="206" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
<td width="19">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="34">
<p><a href="http://www.steveconn.com/music/index.html"><img src="SteveConn.jpg" width="250" height="250" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He's
worked so hard for so long. I got e-mail from him in
which he sounded fed up. Worn out. Talking about giving
up. I didn't even ask why. I feel too close to why a
person gives up in my own life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
would laugh about this. When I first met Steve I didn't
think I was cool enough to be his friend. I was a wanna
be and he was the real real. He could sing. He could
play. And he could write songs that stayed in your head
for days. And he was so <a href="http://www.steveconn.com/photos/index.html">handsome</a>.
No one was more surprised than I when we became friends.
I think it changed the way I felt about myself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
list <a href="http://www.steveconn.com/disco.html">of
people with whom</a> he has played is long and, oddly,
(heh) does not include the recording of <a href="http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/homealone/pleasecomehomeforchristmas.htm">Please
Come Home for Christmas</a> he did with me. I made a
Christmas card with a cassette of me singing that song.
His piano playing is better than my singing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I listened to his music. It was Sunday night.
I needed music that soaks up pain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want to be able to plead with him to not give up. I
want to make the case for staying the course and being
who you are and giving your gift to the world. I want
to talk about the loss it would be if he gave up. But
first, I have to convince myself of all those things
for myself. As I was listening it occurred to me that
all of our dreams are so bound up with one another.
I need to imagine him at his piano. I used to watch
his throat when he sang. I used to imagine I could
see the vocal chords sending out all that glorious tone
and feeling and passion. I can't imagine a world without
his voice. I don't want to. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
hate Mondays the most. Monday is the day when I wake
up without a job. Without a publishing deal. Without
a sense of what to do next. All those things are true
every day of the week. But Monday it feels more urgent.
More pressing. I given up on too many dreams in my life.
Some of them I had to give up on but I'm not sure I
always made that choice wisely. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure what makes it feels like it's working. I want
to feel the weight of my book in my hands but what then?
I'm not sure what would make the difference for
Steve. I'd tell you to buy a disc but that would be
for you as much as for him. Maybe more. We all need music that soaks
up the pain. Takes us away from it all. Tells us a story.
Makes us wanna dance and spin. His music is like that.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Oh. Oh. We need a little joy. A little mirth and frivolity.
Bon temps, cher. Bon temps. Toi et moi parmi les esprits de la lumiere.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1056)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1056"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Beloved Pan, and all you other gods who dwell in this place, give me
beauty in the inward soul; and may the outward and inward man be at
one. May I reckon the wise to be the wealthy, and may I have such a
quantity of gold as a temperate man and he only can bear and carry.
Anything more? The prayer, I think, is enough for me. -<a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/07/beloved-pan-and-all-you-other-gods-who.html">Socrates</a>
(via <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/07/beloved-pan-and-all-you-other-gods-who.html">Whiskey
River</a>)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e757" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e757"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e757"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Linda
Ronstandt said she liked a movie and was booed off stage.
Really. it's true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
<a href="http://www.fahrenheit911.com/">The movie was
political.</a> She was being political when she said
to go see the movie. And the guy who runs the casino
in Vegas where she was singing said they hired her to
entertain not be political. Which is why he felt justified <a href="http://www.lasvegassun.com/drudged/517195568.html">escorting
her out</a> and telling her she's no longer welcome.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
almost don't mind the booing. People have a right to
express themselves. I think silence might have been
a better choice. Some people walked out. That's
their right. Defacing her posters? Well. This crowd
just seems juvenile and belligerent. What gets me is
that she is no longer welcome to play there. Apparently
she has endorsed the film before and not gotten this
reaction. The reaction from the crowd was divided. Some
of the people agreed with her. And none of that is the
point. She didn't go on and on. She simply said the
movie was a good one and people should see it. Do we
remember Mc Carthy? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
what really, really bugs me is that the person who wrote
the article I linked goes on to slam her performance.
Is this a news article or a review? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't seen the movie yet. In part because I agree
<a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000854.html">with
Jill </a>about Michael's hyperbolic style and I didn't
want to deal with crowds. It isn't new information for
me. I know I will see it. I'm very glad he did it and
that it's getting the attention it's getting. But, again,
<a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000859.html">like
Jill,</a> I worry that people will see the movie and
do nothing. And the movie is doing well so it doesn't
need my support. I just feel like some of the reasons
Michael is successful is because he does that mean thing
so well. He badgers and makes fools of people. Despite
the fact that he's making points that I want to see
made I just tense up around some of the method. And
still. I think people should see the movie. I'll see
the movie. And Linda should be able to say go see the
movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Michael
has written an <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/latestnews/">open letter</a>
to the guy who says Linda can't sing in the casino again.
The casino is being bought so who knows if he'll have
a job. I think the people buying the place are fairly
conservative themselves so he probably will. I think
one of the people involved with that group is the governor
of the state in which I live. He would be the one who
thought he was being so funny the other day when he
used the phrase <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/07/18/MNGH57NKAF1.DTL">girly
men</a> as a slam. It's a world gone mad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I think he has a right to say such things? Here I am
going on and on about Linda's right to say what she
said. So do I think he has a right to say what he said?
Well, I think there's a difference between a torch song
singer and a governor. This guy is blurring that line.
He's using his star power to manipulate. But. I actually
do think he has the right to say what he said. I want
him to say the stupid things that show him to be the
person that he is. I'm hoping that people will hear
those things and vote him out of office. One of the
reasons Michael is so successful is that he plays the
same mean spirited game that these guys all play. He
meets them in the school yard with a snappy come back.
I wish we had a more reasoned intelligent dialogue in
this country. But we don't. So meanness is the method.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the thing about Democracy. It's messy. And human.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1057)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1057"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e758" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e758"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e758"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Twice
today I've heard <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=7251">Tom
Ammiano</a> refer to himself as a girly man. Makes me
wanna go to city hall and give him a hug. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want to be clear that I would hope that a person who
finds themselves in a leadership position in government
would know better than to say such things. I find what
the governor said enormously offensive. But look at who he is.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
board is talking about the budget. EEK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1058)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1058"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e759" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e759"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e759"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a friend who calls me up from time to time for
relationship advice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Come
on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Clearly.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is not my area of expertise.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
has never been a time in my live when it was more clear
to me that I have no idea why anyone gets together with
anyone ever. I have no thoughts about it. If you have
someone to love in your life, you are lucky, lucky,
lucky. Go an hug them right now. Give them a kiss. Even
if you aren't getting along. Just coz. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
weirdest thing is that when I'm talking about it all
with her, I almost sound smart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Almost.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1059)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1059"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e760" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e760"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e760"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
health history. Odd. Or maybe
not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
a sixties kid. We did drugs
to be revolutionary. Or to attain
enlightenment. (You believe
me don't you?) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Really.
I've been thinking about this.
I've been thinking about how
I used to put ginger ale in
a wine glass and pretend it
was champagne. I remember pretending
carrot sticks were cigarettes.
I was eight. I couldn't wait
to be able to drink and smoke.
And it wasn't because I had
parents who were drinking and
smoking. I just liked the glamour
I saw on Saturday afternoon movies.
Garbo and Bacall. Plumes of
smoke pushed through lips that seemed to say yes and
no at the same time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was smoking by the time I was
fifteen. Cigarettes. Smoking
pot at sixteen. Drinking by
seventeen. Acid. Mushrooms.
Speed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was
also swearing off refined sugar
and chemicals in my food, eating
brown rice and wheat germ. See
the balance in that? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so it went. In the most drugged
out time of my life I was explaining
to a friend that I didn't want
to take an aspirin for headaches
because I thought it was bad
to medicate symptoms. I didn't
want MSG in my Chinese food
but I put stuff up my nose that
was in no way pure. I smoked
European cigarettes because
they didn't put chemicals in
the paper. I'd get massage
and acupuncture and then go
out for margaritas. I believed
that physical immortality was
possible but I contemplated
suicide regularly. None of this
seems contradictory to me even
as I write it. It all made sense
in context. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think, in part, being a fat
kid gave me a sense of my body
as a problem. I was never sure
that caring for it would make
a difference. You wanna help
fat kids be healthier? Don't estrange them from
their bodies. Give them the wisdom of diversity. Teach
them about good food and teach them about the joy of
movement. But don't teach them shame. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
had the don't you think people who are really, really
fat are unhealthy conversation a couple of times recently.
It seems like such a simple and obvious thing to most
people. But they aren't thinking about everything in
the persons life up till now and they aren't thinking
about the health impact of what people do to lose weight.
I read a thing a while ago about a kid who had the surgery.
His mom and dad had the surgery as well. In one part
of the article it was noted that now he could only eat
a few chicken nuggets for lunch. Chicken nuggets. Frozen.
Fried. Crappy chicken nuggets. His mom made note that
he still didn't like to exercise. But everyone was so
happy for him because he was thinner. Since he was thinner
he must be healthier. He eats chicken nuggets and doesn't
exercise but he must be healthy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
days my body communicates to
me in no uncertain terms. If
I do even a little bit of yoga
I feel better. If I do nothing
I become stiff and hobbled.
If I eat too many carbs I get
a stomach ache. If I'm smoking
it's because something is wrong.
I hadn't smoked this year. Until
June. I smoked four packs of
cigarettes in June. I haven't
smoked in July. Yet. When I
do I feel it immediately. Not
in my lungs so much but in my
stomach and in my heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
drug and alcohol history really was about some kind
of reaction to notions of social control. I never wanted
to be one of those people who played it safe and did
all the right things. Tofu made sense to me because
it was alternative. But even the New Age seemed like
social control to me in some ways. I always wanted to
be able to walk in the shadows. I wanted to know that
there was nothing I couldn't live through. It was, no
doubt, often misguided and fraught. And I have scars.
But I also have memories. Not all of which are bad.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other thing being a hippie chick and a feminist gave
me was the idea that I didn't have to be ashamed of
my body. And lots of the psychological work I did helped
me to own my body. I think that's healthy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still have a tendency to ignore my body. Self care doesn't
come naturally. I'm not as interested in the back alley
any more. Been there. Survived. Lived to tell the tale.
I'm content to do yoga and feel my aches and pains and
eat my fruits and veggies and drink occasionally. I'm
content with a moderate amount of moderation. I still
need too much of everything once in awhile. It's all
OK. I survived June. I survived empty promises of friendhship.
I survived my instictive implulse to self distruct.
I've learned how to pull myself off the ledge. Although
clearly I'm still working on it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
a perfect world we'd all get massage no less than once
a week. That would be healthy. Touch. Touch heals. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just think our ideas about heath need to include some
acknowledgement of what makes life rich and glorious
and kooky. I think health as a method of social control
is stifling and wrong headed. Every once in awhile you
just hafta whoop it up. Be a little dangerous. Sustain
a little damage. Blow smoke through lips that say yes
and no at the same time. Be uncertain and not all together
clear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
Maybe that's just me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1060)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1060"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e761" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e761"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e761"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a very angry post here a few minutes ago. I took
it down. If anyone stopped by during the few minutes
that it was up they might wonder about my mental health.
They would have a right to wonder. I did the same thing
a few months ago. Posted a reaction to something I read
and then took it down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
very angry with someone. And I don't feel conflict about
the anger. I think the anger is what it is. I think
if I told the whole story people might say I had a right
to the anger. But of course they'd only be hearing my
side of the story. And maybe if they heard both sides
they'd still think I had a right to the anger. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
tired of being angry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
took the post down because it served no purpose except
to allow me the chance to vent. And I think venting
is good. Even when I vent I try to acknowledge the fact
that there is more than one way to look at a thing.
Especially stuff between humans. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing about anger and hurt is it helps to feel as if
you have a witness. Someone who can tell you that you
aren't crazy. And I got mad. I lashed out. It was an
oblique lash out. No names were named. It was
a crazed and manic rant. And after a few minutes I succumbed
to my need to not be a raging maniac. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tried to create a place where I could write my less
than perfect emotions but that got messed up. And I'm
pretty honest here. I don't see the need to hide any
part of who I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a part of me that wants to let the rant stand. But
the part of me that wants peace is always yammering
away in my head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Ya know. That's it. I was pissed. I still am. But I'm
going to take a walk. And do the never ending work of
letting go. No need to worry about my mental health.
It's safe to assume I've gone quite mad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1061)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1061"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e762" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e762"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e762"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">With
his never ending generosity George hooked me up to <a href="mailto:[email protected]">g-mail.</a>
Write to me. Please. I wanna see how it works.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few weeks ago I noticed that I have a bunch of movie
channels. Mostly cheesy stuff. But I have seen <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0292506/">The
Recruit</a> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0187738/">Blade
Two</a> and <a href="http://www.about-a-boy.com/">About
A Boy.</a> None of these are movies that I would put
in Netflix or see in the theater. But I turn the channel
and there's the movie and I'm only going watch for a
few minutes and then an hour has gone by. Not good.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
Recruit was OK. The acting is good and it's suspenseful.
Blade Two was yucky. It's not enough for a hero to kill
one thing any more. They have to be swarmed and kill
and kill and kill. What is that about? About A Boy was
sweet. And OK. But. I dunno. Not compelling. And still.
I watched. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
a good thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got all pissed off and then I lost the little bit of
focus I had and then I watched a dumb movie. Ah. Well.
Not the worse thing in the world I suppose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1062)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1062"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e763" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e763"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e763"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Linda
Ronstandt is playing in a few <a href="http://e-ticketsanytime.com/SearchResults.asp?EventHeadlinerName=Linda%20Ronstadt&CategoryName=concerts">different
venues around the bay</a>. If I had the money I think
I'd go see her. Just <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/07/19/entertainment1424EDT0076.DTL&type=music">because</a>.
I saw her twice, years ago. Once in a small venue. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was younger I spent hours listening to records and
singing along. Joni. Of course. Bonnie Raitt. Billie
Holiday. Janis Joplin. Tracy Nelson. Tina Turner. Judy
Collins. Blues and rock-n-roll and folk. I loved it
all. I put the earphones on, closed my eyes and sang
my hear out. And Linda's early records were in the stack.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
and Bonnie both recorded an Eric Kaz song, <i>Blowin
Away</i>. I can still close my eyes and sing that song.
When I got involved with the New Age and ideas about
positive thought it seemed like a bad idea to sing the
song with as much feeling as I had so many times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="287">
<tr>
<td width="281"><pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And I have cast aside my foolish pride
And I'm going down for the last time
And I have searched this earth
And I've sailed these seas
Love is blind and it cannot find me
<a href="http://www.ronstadt-linda.com/living.htm#blowaway">I'm blowing away
</a>
Shadows take my love and leave
I'm blowing away
Shadows keep taking my love and leaving me
You keep taking my love and leaving me</span></font></pre></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now
I wonder if it was foresight, or affirmation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1063)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1063"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e764" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e764"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e764"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
neighborhood is full of meanness tonight. I walked down
the street to put some stuff in the mail and four young
boys sitting on the hood of a car started sayin stuff.
I shot them my best kissmyfatass look. I probably shouldn't
do stuff like that. They shouted worse stuff at me as
I walked on down the street. This kind of thing never
brings out the best in me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Around
the corner there were three women talking about some
kids and I asked them what they were talking about.
Some kids had pulled the flowers out of a woman's flower
box and knocked over her motorcycle. I don't think it
was the same kids but who knows? There are lots of tourists
here. And people come from other neighborhoods to hang
out on the pier. I feel safe most of the time. I felt
like something could have gone badly tonight. I have
all this unprocessed anger doncha know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
true. I am waiting. I think I always have been. I can
explain it to you psychologically. But I always feel
it. Some part of me. Waiting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117615/">This</a>
is a very sweet movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1064)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1064"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e765" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e765"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e765"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to get to vote for Nader. Oh don't panic. <a href="http://www.examiner.com/article/index.cfm/i/072304n_voting">We
have IRV in SF</a>. I'm not sure if it will be in place
for the election but it looks like it might. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
is if they don't cancel the election. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
week long <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/23/1337206">Democracy
Now</a> has been playing sections of a documentary <a href="http://pacificaradioarchives.org/web/programs/recording.php?recid=6&catid=6">A
Passel of Pomp & A Circus of Circumstance</a>. It's
been so interesting. The thing that I'm remembering
is how much goes on around each of the conventions.
Fanny Lou Hamer. Chicago police. Shadow convention.
Some stuff has gone on. It's important to remember what
an active process it has been. And how much repression
has been brought to bear. Democracy is a process. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
but the fear is big. My use of IRV might almost seem token. There
are still only two choices. But it's going to make me
feel so much better to have the option to vote for what
I wish we were as a country. First I'll vote my fear
and then I'll vote my hope. Seems backwards. But. It's
a step. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1065)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1065"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e766" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e766"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e766"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a>
has been in my dreams a lot lately. No. Not those kind
of dreams. Although I don't know why not. Last night
he was telling me he was going to adopt me and I got
mad at him because I didn't think he was taking me seriously.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
the dreams are just kooky. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1066)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1066"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e767" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e767"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e767"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are many things about the 911 commission report that
I don't like. But it's the overriding conclusion that
there was something that could have been done that I
find really troublesome. It may well be true that there
were things that could have been done and I have no
problem with the idea of trying to improve things. But
sometimes I think we believe we can get to the point
where nothing ever goes wrong. The line that we track
is often mechanical and seeks to place blame rather
than shift sentiment. Apparently there is one paragraph
about how U.S. foreign policy does much to create
the atmosphere in which these thing occur. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I think we should put up signs everywhere that say:
something may go wrong. Then we can point to the signs
after every bad thing. There are already warning signs
everywhere. We drink coffee in cups that warn us that
we may be burned by hot coffee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just wish we would do the inner work. As a country.
I wish we were reflective. I wish we could accept that
there are things that go wrong and still work on telling
the truth and making amends. Things do go wrong. And
sometimes we do need to hold some of the blame. And
sometimes there's things we need to change. And some
times things will still go wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
talking in circles.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1067)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1067"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">A sex-loving monk, you object!<br>
Hot-blooded and passionate, totally aroused.<br>
Remember, though, that lust can consume all passion,<br>
Transmuting base metal into pure gold.
- Iykku (via <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/">Kurt</a> )</span></font>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e768" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e768"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e768"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Earlier
this week Amazon sent me a box
full of products from their
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/browse.html/ref=gw_br_bty/103-3013860-2896666?node=3760911">beauty
line.</a> It was fun to get
a box full of free stuff. I
looked through it all with actual
glee. There was lots of bubble
bath and shampoo and skin cream
and there was this little thing
of makeup.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to wear makeup. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="3" width="367" bordercolordark="black" bordercolorlight="black">
<tr>
<td width="361">
<p><img src="oldpromo.jpg" width="360" height="294" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Check
out the eye.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="4" width="154" bordercolordark="black" bordercolorlight="black">
<tr>
<td width="148">
<p><img src="oldpromoeye.jpg" width="150" height="88" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
yeah. And check out the hair.
It's really hard to see what
was going on in the photo. It
was shaved close on the sides,
permed in the back and spiky
on top. Sections were dyed black,
blonde and red and my own hair
color was still in there some
where. There were three braids
in random places. It was really
fun hair. It was fun makeup.
I'm not sure why I was trying
to look like was about to whoop
a gris gris on someone. Maybe
I was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
this stuff from Amazon smells
like chemicals. Really. It's
overwhelming. Even the bath
stuff has a chemical smell.
I'm going through it trying
to decide what I'll keep. The
perfume samples are the worst.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a friend who was a real
new age hippie chick. All natural.
Very cute. Slowly, as the seventies
became the eighties, she began
to perm her hair and wear a
little lipstick. She got married
and moved away. I saw her one
more time. She was wearing a
ton of make up. She looked hard
and mean. I'm not really blaming
the makeup. I still think makeup
can be fun. But there was something
going on. Something not good.
A kind of masking that was not
intended to conceal. It was
intended to communicate a notion
of sophistication. A really
loopy notion of sophistication.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Still.
Maybe I'll put on some make
up this week. Just for fun.
A bit of Kabuki. If only I stand
the smell. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1068)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1068"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e769" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e769"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e769"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know if there are more high pitched noises in
my neighborhood than there usually are or if I suddenly
have dog ears. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1069)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1069"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e770" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e770"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e770"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:24
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is an <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/2004/07/assumptions.php">interesting
conversation going on</a>. There is a line in the post
that I want to extrapolate for my own use. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="361">
<tr>
<td width="355">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Assumptions based on silence are, like lilies floating on a pond, more
delicate and more beautiful than anything that moves beyond the murky
depths beneath.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
line hits me for reasons of my own having nothing to
do with the post. It rings in my bones. I am living
with a silence in which I am making many assumptions.
None of them are delicate or beautiful. But I am staring
at them as if they are. They are more true everyday.
Once in awhile I think I might be wrong. But after another
day of silence they are beautiful to me again. Beautiful
and deadly. I use them the way a person uses cutting
to feel a pain more real than the abstract pain created
by the silence. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
perhaps it is in the fact that I take one line from
someone's writing and use it for my own meaning that
joins me back to the conversation. We all read each
other through our own need and limitation. And our need
may blind us to anything real about the people we love.
And anything real about ourselves. I take the line and
wander off into my own wood to stare into my own pond
and marvel at lilies floating just above the murk of
uncertainty. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
problem for the heart is always one of sorting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1070)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1070"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e771" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e771"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e771"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
Joni for N.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="334">
<tr>
<td width="328">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Well world opinion's not a lot of help<br>
When a man's only trying to find out<br>
How to feel about himself<br>
In the plan oh<br>
The cock-eyed plan<br>
<a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/GodMustBeABoogieMan.cfm">God must be a boogie man!
</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="328">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="328">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/donjuansrecklessdaughter.cfm">Behind my bolt locked door<br>
</a>
The eagle and the serpent are at war in me<br>
The serpent fighting for blind desire<br>
The eagle for clarity<br>
What strange prizes these battles bring<br>
These hectic joys these weary blues<br>
Puffed up and strutting when I think I win<br>
Down and shaken when I think I lose
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1071)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1071"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e772" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e772"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e772"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:04
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.booktv.org/">Book
TV</a> had some panels from the <a href="http://www.qbr.com/hbf2004/panels.htm">Harlem
Book Fair</a> on yesterday. Lot's of people saying,
"my book." I liked the conversations. And
I tightened every time I heard the words, "my book."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are books and books and books.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Following
the <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/">on going
conversation</a> about self and ego and construct and
assumption. (phew) There may be a need to define terms.
But I'm reluctant to become too intellectual in this.
I referred to a joke. I knew I'd read it on line but
forgot where. It was at <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/07/rene-descartes-walks-into-bar-and-has.html">Whiskey
River.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="327">
<tr>
<td width="321">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has a drink <br>The bartender asks him, "Would you like another?" <br>Descartes pauses and says, "I think not," and promptly disappears. <br>The bartender is enlightened.<br>
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">See
now. I didn't even tell the joke quite right. I remembered
Descartes being drunk and unable to think. Oddly, I've
never been so drunk that I was unable to think. And
believe me I've tried to get there. I wasn't thinking
well. But. I was still thinking. Thinking. Thinking.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me this conversation is more visceral. It's about the
experience of letting go. Letting go isn't always passive.
Often it's willful and violent. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first got back <a href="http://www.haidakhan.net/">from
India</a> I would sometimes wake up in the middle of
the night and I felt as if the top of my head had been
cut off. And I felt like I was rushing back into my
body. My head was doing a list of things. My name. My
age. Where I was. The names of everything in the room.
It was as if I had to relocate myself. Maybe this was
some kind of astral something or other. I really don't
know. But it left me with the sense that all these lists
of things I use to describe who I am are, in a manner
of speaking, invented. Does that mean they aren't real?
Maybe. But I still wake up in them. So I need to work
with them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day someone contacted me after reading <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm">my
piece</a> about my political development. They found
it doing searches for Jeremiah Mosher Sample, my great,
great, great grandfather. The person was also a great,
great great grandchild of Jeremiah. Isn't that cool?
It hasn't changed my life. I'm not in line for a previously
unknown fortune. The person didn't even mention if they
liked the piece of writing or related to the ideas.
I may never meet them and if I do we may not like each
other. But I still think it's cool. It doesn't mean
anything about who I am. And yet. It does. It was a
reminder of a lineage. People who wake up everyday with
a list of identity markers.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Somewhere
I heard someone talking about what unemployment does
to your sense of self. It is not a good thing. I am
as thread bare as I've ever been in terms of identity
markers. If we took a measure of my mental health it
would not be good. But what would be the metric? The
DSM? In which case I'm doomed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I tell people I've written a book they often say something
like, "Oh.." Usually in the tone of someone
talking to a child who has just made a drawing. "Oh.
Isn't that nice?" Yeah. OK. There are books and
books and books. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
day <a href="http://www.babaji.net/">Baba</a> called
me into a room where he was sitting with Gor Devi. Gor
Devi translated everything he said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
asked me. " What do you do in America?" </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
said. "I cook."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
asked. "What do you cook?"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
said. " Eggs."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said. "We don't eat eggs here. What else do you
cook?" </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
said. "I make soup." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said. " How do you make soup?"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mumbled something about garlic and onions.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said, "We don't eat garlic and onions here. What
else?"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.....</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said. "Nothing special."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
crashed. It was true. Nothing special. I did nothing
special.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
said. " Only you are special."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
soared.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Puffed
up and strutting when I think I win. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Down
and shaken when I think I lose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think we make each other real. And yet I know we need
to be real when we are alone. Sorting. Always sorting.
And waking up with a list. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1072)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1072"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e773" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e773"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e773"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few days ago I scanned a big graphic into Word. When
I went to close it I didn't get a do-you-want-to-save
dialog box. I have Word open almost all day. I get these
run time errors and the program crashes. When it crashes
it does a save. I can't tell you how many times that
last-thing-saved thing that Word does has saved my ass
but once before it saved something that it couldn't
reload. And it happened again with the graphic.
When I tried to open Word the computer would lock up.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have to say, it did seem like the gods were having some
fun with me. Here I am. Wanna be a writer when I grow
up. And I can't open Word. I haven't been doing much
writing, other than what I do here, but now I can't
even if I want to. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
it had happened before I knew that there was a way to
delete the "normal" file. I just couldn't
remember how to find it or what it was called. I knew
I had to call tech support. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just would rather walk across glass.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
much so that I would probably have lived with it for
days, my hand pressed to my forehead, saying, see, I
can't write. Big sigh. But I got something in an e-mail
that I wanted to read. Saved by a literary friend and
a generous share of a story. So I dialed the number.
An hour later ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was right. We deleted the file and it was all good.
But first I had to listen to lots of muzac and reminders
that if I have a virus tech support won't be able to
help me and yadda yadda. I had to go though the first
guy's efforts to fix things without finding the file.
I had to go through all the same things with the second
guy. Three guys in all. My sense is that they have a
check list of solves that they have to go through. They
were very nice. I did get mammed into a coma. But all's
well that ends. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">An
hour. An hour of my life. Sheesh. Not that I was doing
anything that interesting. Not that I was in the middle
of some great writing spurt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
still caught up in <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/">N's
self</a>. His lovely self. And his thinking about self.
And my self. Of course. As always. This morning I was
trying to remember a Neruda poem. I Googled the only
line I could remember and I found it. I love that!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="307">
<tr>
<td width="301"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.math.buffalo.edu/~sww/poetry2/neruda_pablo.html#neruda1">WE ARE MANY</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Of the many men whom I am, whom we are,<br>
I cannot settle on a single one.<br>
They are lost to me under the cover of clothing<br>
They have departed for another city.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When everything seems to be set<br>
to show me off as a man of intelligence,<br>
the fool I keep concealed on my person<br>
takes over my talk and occupies my mouth.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">On other occasions, I am dozing in the midst<br>
of people of some distinction,<br>
and when I summon my courageous self,<br>
a coward completely unknown to me<br>
swaddles my poor skeleton<br>
in a thousand tiny reservations.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When a stately home bursts into flames,<br>
instead of the fireman I summon,<br>
an arsonist bursts on the scene,<br>
and he is I. There is nothing I can do.<br>
What must I do to distinguish myself?<br>
How can I put myself together?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">All the books I read<br>
lionize dazzling hero figures,<br>
brimming with self-assurance.<br>
I die with envy of them;<br>
and, in films where bullets fly on the wind,<br>
I am left in envy of the cowboys,<br>
left admiring even the horses.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,<br>
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,<br>
and so I never know just WHO I AM,<br>
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.<br>
I would like to be able to touch a bell<br>
and call up my real self, the truly me,<br>
because if I really need my proper self,<br>
I must not allow myself to disappear.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">While I am writing, I am far away;<br>
and when I come back, I have already left.<br>
I should like to see if the same thing happens<br>
to other people as it does to me,<br>
to see if as many people are as I am,<br>
and if they seem the same way to themselves.<br>
When this problem has been thoroughly explored,<br>
I am going to school myself so well in things<br>
that, when I try to explain my problems,<br>
I shall speak, not of self, but of geography.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
Indeed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
One more thing. I listened to some Democratic convention
stuff. <a href="http://www.sundaysalon.org/">Larry</a>
was at the <a href="http://www.bostonsocialforum.org/news.php">Boston
Social Forum</a>. <a href="http://www.c-span.org/">CSPAN</a>
was at a forum in honor of Paul Wellstone. A whole table
full of progressive luminaries. It's going to be quite
a week. Free speech zone? What the ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1073)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1073"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e774" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e774"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e774"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been working on another piece of writing about doing
yoga fat for another <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/">yoga
magazine.</a> It seems like it's taking along time and
I'm struggling. I called <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari</a>
for some feedback. As luck would have it she was on
her way to water aerobics and was willing to come get
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love swimming. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I love being with Ari. She made me laugh so hard my
cheeks still hurt. And she gave me good feedback on
the article. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I came home I was tired and it was relatively late.
I went to bed at 10:30, slept till 11:30, woke up wide
awake and unable to sleep for the next two hours. It
was a long night. I'd try to sleep. Give up and read
for while. Try again. Read some more. When I finally
did sleep I had crazy dreams. Now it's morning and I'm
achy and fuzzy brained and I haven't even gotten my
yogurt or my tea. Sigh. Why can't someone else get my
yogurt and tea today? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched as much of the Democratic convention as I could
bear. I'm so not feeling it. I heard Gloria Steinem
on the radio talking passionately about voting and elections
and voting for Kerry. I'm as passionate about voting
and elections but I'm just not feeling it for Kerry.
Which isn't to say that I won't vote for him. I will
vote for him. I am making an effort to let go of my
bad attitude. I'm sure I could do a better job if someone
would just bring me some yoghurt and tea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also heard a women on CSPAN talking for a very long
time about <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/features/ensler/">Eve
Ensler</a> and the <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/features/ensler/vm/">Vagina
Monologues</a>. She didn't think much of Eve or her
play. She was spending quite a long time to explain
why in somewhat snotty terms. I didn't remember her
name. Not because I'm loyal to Eve. I'm a little irritated
with Eve. I heard Eve on KPFA the other day talking
about <a href="http://www.playbill.com/news/article/87094.html">her
new play</a>. She said something about obesity (her
word choice) and physical abuse history. I get so tired
of this connection. If every woman who was ever physically
abused was fat there would be way more fat woman.
And if being fat protects woman from abuse then let's
start encouraging woman to be fat. It's tiresome. I'm
not saying that there might not be psychological reasons
for weight gain. Some times. But for me Eve was just
joining the chorus of people who want me to pathologize
the size of my ass. Sorry. I'm not going there. The
woman, whose name I can't remember, went on to talk
about how good things are for women these days. She
must not know any <a href="http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1312/context/archive">women
who work at Walmart</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
Also. I liked the Vagina Monologues. And I like <a href="http://www.vday.org/main.html">the
activism</a> that came out of it. And. Also. I
thought the woman, whose name I can't remember was snotty.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Hours and hours of progressives talking about how we
gotta get Kerry in office and then we have to pressure
him to be progressive. OK. What ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
be getting my tea now. And my yoghurt. Nectarines in
the yoghurt. And some honey. Some rye toast. Yes. That'll
be good. OK then. I'm just achy and fuzzy brained. But
it's Renee's birthday. A day to be joyous. A day to
celebrate. I just need to have some tea first. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1074)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1074"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e775" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e775"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e775"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
mentioned before that I started
watching <a href="http://www.startingover.tv/">this
show</a> because Ari liked it. It bugs the crap out
of me most of the time but I become engaged with some
of the women and their stories. Yesterday <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/meet/christine/bio.html">one
of the women</a> was on a date for the first time in
years. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
guy said, "I like to make money." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
said, "I like to spend money."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ew
Ew Ew Ew. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
swear it was like chalk on a blackboard for me to hear
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
has these cool new buttons on his side bar and I was
reminded about <a href="http://orkut.com/index.html">Orkut.</a>
I thought I might back in and look around. I don't know
why I'm so shy. While I was in there I noticed all the
communities for singles. EEK. I just don't relate to
the idea of single. Or maybe I relate too well. Even
if I were in a relationship I would be single. Ya know?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
days when I go out with friends the likelihood is that
they are paying for what we do. It's not always true
but it's often true. Everyone has more money than I
do right now. I look forward to the day when I'm the
one picking up the check. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will say that the woman on the TV show and the guy were
doing some great kissing. The kissing is good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1075)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1075"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e776" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e776"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e776"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've <a href="http://www.jessamyn.com/journal/">
Jessamyn</a> is <a href="http://librarian.net/dnc/">blogging
the convention.</a> She's not <a href="http://online.wsj.com/public/article/0,,SB109045054755870333,00.html?mod=tod">alone.</a>
I just like her best. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1076)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1076"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e777" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e777"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e777"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
celebrate her birthday Renee and I went for <a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/zuni/">dinner</a>,
<a href="http://www.citizencake.com/">desert </a>and
a <a href="http://www.redvicmoviehouse.com/july04/07_25_04.html">movie.</a>
Ohmygawd. I forgot what a great movie it is. And I can't
stop <a href="http://catstevens.com/discography/songs/00032.html">singing</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="252">
<tr>
<td width="246" height="148">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
<br>And if you want to be free, be free
<br>'Cause there's a million things to be
<br>You know that there are
<br> <br>And if you want to live high, live high
<br>And if you want to live low, live low
<br>'Cause there's a million ways to go
<br>You know that there are
<br></span></font><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"> </font>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
dancing around. She's a smart kid. She knows how to
celebrate life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1077)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1077"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e778" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e778"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e778"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know how I got to sleep last night. That <a href="http://catstevens.com/discography/songs/00032.html">song</a>
was on instant replay. Over and over. My body was tapping
and twitching along. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
Right before I went to bed I read a few blogs and my
brain kicked in with so so so very much. Response. Reaction.
Need to talk. About. It all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Awhile
ago I noticed that I was getting a few hits from <a href="http://portal.eatonweb.com/">Eatonweb</a>,
specifically from the word <a href="http://portal.eatonweb.com/cat/Sex">sex</a>.
When you sign up with these things you fill out little
boxes about what you're writing about. I never know
what I'm going to be writing about. I remember at the
time I wrote sex because I was in a mood. It seems to
me that people don't think fat women are interested
in sex. People, like Eve Ensler, imagine that fat women
gained weight to protect themselves from having sex.
After all fat women aren't sexually attractive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cough.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I feel the need to take a swing at that idea. I feel
the need to talk out loud about my own sexuality. But
I don't really have much to say. It must have been a
terrible disappointment to people who followed the link
and saw nothing explicit. There was that <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e717">one
time</a> ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I know. Not even that was too wild. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
last blog post I read was by <a href="http://koshtra.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_koshtra_archive.html#109097301171781821">Dale</a>.
His post in response to <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000654.html#000654">Kurt</a>
and <a href="http://ditchtheraft.blogspot.com/2004/07/desire-sex-and-vows.html">Andi</a>.
So many blogs. So so so many. I liked Kurt's post so
much I grabbed one of the lines for my epigraph. I love
it when <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000632.html#000632">Kurt
writes about longing</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a scene in <a href="http://www.redvicmoviehouse.com/july04/07_25_04.html">the
movie</a> which opens with a blissed out looking and
obviously naked Harold blowing bubbles. And then, the
slow pulling back of the camera and there is the blissfully
sleeping Maude. I liked the way the movie portrayed
the physical relationship between the two. Very subtle.
I remember when I was younger it was a hard scene to
take in. And, frankly, even now, it is a hard scene
to take in. In light of the posts I'd just read I thought
about the seditious quality of that scene. I thought
about the narrow (literally) band of women who are portrayed
as sexual and the way in which so many women have their
sexuality erased. Older women. Fat women. Women who
like to think and talk about what they think. For everyone
one of these women there are men who are attracted to
them but it's thought of as a fetish. No one doubts
the sexual attractiveness of (fill in the blank with
any woman who is thin, probably blonde and has large
breasts) but outside of that description desire is read
as off beat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
talking in generalizations. I know I am. I'm talking
about heteros. I have a high regard for the way sexuality
wraps around appearance in the lesbian community. I
may even idealize it. I'm also saying that I had a hard
time taking in the idea of the young mad, Harold and
the eighty year old woman, Maude and ... sex. Even me.
I had a hard time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I lived in New York I knew a woman who was fifty and
was living with a man who was in his early thirties.
They were absolutely charming together. It was clear
that they were well met intellectually and emotionally.
Why wouldn't that work for them in their physical life?
She once told me that they were sometimes distracted
in the middle of love making by an urgent need to talk
about the French revolution or Russian literature. They
did always get back to it. Charming! The relationship
was spoken about with a roll of they eye and a cringe.
Sadly, I thought. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
this talk about the nature of desire. The problematic
nature of desire. In a comment on Dale's post Andi begins
with a thought about freedom from agenda, ego, the pain
of wanting and not getting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah,
yes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
next to last post I read was <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/2004/07/warriors.php">N</a>
and <a href="http://suzannagig.journalspace.com/">Suzanne</a>.
Their posting leaves me longing to have them to my place for
dinner. A very long dinner. Many courses. I just want
listen to them talk. They began with the notion of <a href="http://immolation.org/helicon/2004/07/metaphor.php">metaphor</a>
in the creation of self and last night I thought about
metaphor in the creation of relationship. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wrote about <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/June2004.htm#e730">having
fallen.</a> I was thinking last night about how much
metaphor played a part in my descent. It was not about
physicality. To this day I do not know what the person
looks like. It was about the mention of a song, a book,
a movie. A shared cultural treasure box. It was about
the way in which erotism was articulated. It was about
language and the way words that I read were words that
I had been thinking moments before. It was about shared
metaphor. The feeling was so resonant and clear. How
could I not want to have more of it? And I felt it in
my body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
happens. A sentence so perfect and lush. You shiver.
You draw in breath. You feel your ... self. And you
think surely that moment of connection must have meaning.
And it does. But. Whatever the platform of shared metaphor
I perceived was, it wasn't even strong enough to sustain
a friendship. Finding that to be true felt like having
all that metaphoric structure burned beneath me. I felt
murdered. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe we are all
murdered by our metaphors. Maybe we need our foundations
to burn down every once in awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Freedom
from agenda, ego, the pain of wanting and not getting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
can I hold the idea of Harold and Maude and sex? What
makes that desire and engagement obvious? Wasn't it
life? Harold thinks he prefers death until he meets
someone who is fully alive. Even her death is a fully
alive death. A choice. Isn't there something in all
that? Something about the little death? That moment
of annihilation? That moment when you forget metaphors
and lists and individuality and are expanded into something
...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Gosh. I don't know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
in the middle of this post I got a call from the friend
who calls to talk about relationship. It was unfortunate
timing because I'm feeling more disabled than ever in
that regard. And it knocked me off track. I feel sad
suddenly. Like it's all too hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I wanted to talk. About the seditious quality
of a movie in which an eighty year old woman is so alive
she draws in a lifeless young man. And in the end there
is loss. But the loss is part of something. Something
about life. Something important. And then. The dancing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
maybe I didn't really want to talk. Maybe I wanted ...
and was not getting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
going to power up the Cat Stevens. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1078)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1078"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e779" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e779"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e779"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Someone.
Please. Please. Come and take my television out of the
house. Or else I'm going to commit Hari -Kerry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">HAHAHAHAHAHA.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
See. This is what happens when you listen to too much
of the convention. The only break I've was <a href="http://sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=26303">Rules</a>
and <a href="http://sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=13954">City
Services</a>. I never got the Cat Stevens going. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
now they're all dancing to We Are Family and waving
flags. I dunno. I just. Can't. Deal. <a href="http://www.infoshop.org/inews/stories.php?story=04/07/27/6145230">Jessamyn
says</a> they're not zombies. They're just happy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dennis?
Was he on Prozac? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know. I know. I need to get a better attitude. I seem
to have slept on my shoulder in a not good way and it
hurts. That's making me cranky. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Margaret
told me about <a href="http://www.upn.com/shows/amish_in_the_city/">this</a>.
And now I see that <a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/">Rana</a>
is watching it. So. That's the plan. I think it will
be good for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
I know. I could read a book. Or put on the Cat Stevens.
Or take another shower. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
lack the will. It's been sucked out of me by alliteration,
jingoism and hyperbole. But. I guess I need to get through
Edwards. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1079)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1079"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e780" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e780"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e780"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:03
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My <a href="http://www.upn.com/shows/amish_in_the_city/">
favorite moment</a> was when the
vegan girl who can't bear the
idea of eating animal flesh
doesn't want to put on the Amish
clothes and says, "I don't
want to know how you guys feel."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Alrighty
then. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was interesting in many ways.
The Amish kids are so moved
by everything. And the city
kids are so in their thing and
they're mean. What does that
suggest?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
slept funny on Tuesday and woke up with a knot in my
shoulder. I just thought it would go away. I did take
some <a href="http://www.evitamins.com/product.asp?pid=3726">Wobenzyme
N.</a> Mostly it hurt when I moved my arm. Last night
it got much worse. I couldn't find a way to sleep. Finally
I got it together to use some <a href="http://www.kcweb.com/herb/arnica.htm">Arnica</a>,
which seemed to help. But I'm still sore. I can't raise
my arm to get my hair into a ponytail. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ow.
Ow. Ow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jessamyn
says <a href="http://jessamyn.info/dncday2/index.php?x=15">the
pen</a> is <a href="http://jessamyn.info/dncday2/index.php?x=17">empty</a>.
Although I think there has been some <a href="http://boston.indymedia.org/feature/display/24827">interesting
moments.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
streets are <a href="http://boston.indymedia.org/newswire/display/24841/index.php">busy
today.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.truthout.org/dnc-thursday.shtml">Hope
is on the way</a>? I think Edwards is charming
and hard working. There are two Americas. He's
right. I wonder how he justifies the pen? He didn't
sound like he was going to end the war. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/29/1419242">Rev
Al kicked some butt.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't get Dennis with the we are one - we are one -
thing. We are not. Unity is the wrong way to talk about
this. It's the let's pretend nothings wrong way to think.
Someone needs to talk about the fact that there <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/29/1443215">are
issues.</a> We are not one. Kerry needs to reach out
and talk about the fact that there are people who will
be voting for him who are really voting against Bush.
He needs to at least imply that he will be open to the
progressive end of the party. If he did even a little
token bit of reaching out I would feel more excited.
I would know it was election rhetoric but it would be
easier to bear than this unity thing. I don't know why
we can't talk about electing Kerry and acknowledge that
there are issues. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
Arnica. More Wobenzyme. And less DNC. Maybe the pain
in my neck will go away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1080)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1080"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e781" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e781"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e781"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I don't move. At all. It doesn't hurt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
called Deb and we went to see <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=990CE1D9133EF93BA15756C0A9629C8B63">The
Mother</a> based on <a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">M's</a>
recommendation and because <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>
let me know that it was still in the theaters. It's
a beautiful movie. The sex in the movie had me sliding
off the seat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
sort of shocking how much a knot in your shoulder can
impact every move you try to make. If everybody I've
ever wanted to have sex with walked in the door right
now saying - I want you now - all I'd be able to do
is weep. Maybe because my body is about pain right now
and my heart is about loss and my head is trying to
find a reason to believe ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
because Kerry is talking about health care for all (remember
when Clinton talked about health care for all?) and
valuing families (but he's not saying anything about
families with two mommies or two daddies) he's talking
about smarter war and reminding us again and again and
again that he was in a war... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I am trying to find a reason to believe...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
that's why I feel this ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1081)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1081"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e782" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e782"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e782"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few months ago I said something to someone that hurt
them. It might not have been what I said so much as
how I said it. I was feeling extremely vulnerable in
the relationship and I drew a line in an attempt protect
myself from getting hurt. Looking back I can see how
the idea that I could protect myself from hurt in that
relationship was just wrong. Not because the person
was hurtful but because I was hurt before I ever met
the person. Knowing them just kicked open the wound
that does not heal. <a href="http://www.uidaho.edu/student_orgs/arthurian_legend/grail/fisher/">Fisher
Queen</a> that I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have spent many hours wishing I had not said anything
at all. I have spent many hours imagining ways I could
have said what I said in more controlled and gentile
manner. In the end I paid a price. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
ya know ... I don't regret what I said.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
grew up in an environment of silencing. I grew up being
afraid to say things. I can't live my life being afraid
that I might not say something in just the right way.
I'm not willing to do that. If my relationships can't
survive my less than perfect moments then I'll have
to live with that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
thinking about it tonight for reasons not having to
do with the relationship. I'm thinking about it because
I'm thinking about the ways in which we silence one
another. I'm not out of that fray. There are times when
I can't hear things. I have my own limitations. I'm
aware of it and I try to work on it. Because I want
people to be able to hold my less than perfect times.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing is, that when it comes to things about identity,
like race, class, weight, gender, sexual preference
and on and on, I think we need to extend some extra
... uh ... generosity. I think we need to know that
things are gonna get tense. It might not all be nice.
It shouldn't need to be. I think some of those conversations
ought to feel uncomfortable. And we ought to be
able to hold the discomfort. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Suzanne
says that sometimes I write oblique posts and she wonders
if I'm talking about her. She know they aren't but she's
pointing out to me that people, reading oblique writing might
wonder if I mean them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not bragging when I say I don't regret the thing I said.
Believe me. I have paid the price. There are prices
to pay. I think the price doesn't always have to
be so dear. When it is. It is. And again, when it comes
to larger issues, I think we need to summon up all the capacity we
can summon up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
miss too much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1082)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1082"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e783" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e783"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e783"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
So. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ow.
Ow. Ow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dolley
says pain changes who you are. Hmmm. I'm pretty snarly
today. But. I can be pretty snarly. I'm also kind of
dazed and distracted. Trying not to move. I feel so
slow. And I've been feeling that way for about a year.
But I do agree. The pain ramps it all up. I feel like
someone has grabbed me by the shoulder and is holding me
still. I have a bit more range of motion. But everything
feels off now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think Dorothea is right. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I started writing this I had more to say. But it's gone.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ow.
Ow. Ow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1083)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1083"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<table align="center" border="0">
<tr>
<td width="743" bgcolor="white">
<table align="center" border="0" width="703">
<tr>
<td width="697"> <p> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e784" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e784"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">July</font></a><a id="e784"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
shoulder is better. Still hurts. I must say, having
a knot in my shoulder that stays knotted for this long
makes me feel old. I usually think old is an abstraction
but pain that goes on for days makes it more real. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did remember what I was going to write about yesterday.
I've been thinking about the word literary. For a variety
of reasons. A while ago <a href="http://pagecount.burningbird.net/2004/07/show-me-your-context-baby.html">Mike</a>
linked an <a href="http://trace.ntu.ac.uk/Opinion/index.cfm?article=111">article
about blogging</a> and in his post referred to some
other writing about blogging. One piece was about <a href="http://blog.lib.umn.edu/blogosphere/labyrinth_unbound.html">blogging
as literature</a>. At the time I didn't want to write
about it because I wasn't feeling like entering the
what-is-blogging fray. It seems to me that what keeps
blogging interesting is there are so many different
things happening on blogs. So many different intentions.
But Mike's post stirred up some thinking and then <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/2004_07_16-31_archives.html">Mark</a>
linked the first article again. And still I found myself
thinking but not bringing it to the page. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is more than one moving part in everything I've been
thinking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
fellow in <a href="http://artsci.usfca.edu/academics/graduate/writing/overview.html">my
writing program</a> once asked what we meant by the
word literary. He was right to ask because we'd been
throwing the word around as if we were all in agreement.
One of the hardest things I had to deal with in the
program was that many of my fellow students didn't read
much. Didn't even want to read much. Didn't know writers.
Many of them knew David Sedaris and a few of them knew
Dave Eggers. The idea that writing about your family
and your own kooky way of being was the way to get a
book published was rampant. Some people were there for
therapy. Which was fine. Writing is therapy. There were
a few who were there for craft. And there were people
who I still haven't figured out. It's possible that
if you have enough money and you're bored one of the
things you might do is take college classes. I might.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Were
we literary? We were there to learn how to write so
you'd wanna hope so. But. Well. Not so much. There were
only a few people in my classes who loved reading and
writing and books. The fellow asking about the word
literary didn't seem to like the word very much. He
thought it was elevated. Elevated in a way that was
not good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
and I had a conversation about writing once in which
we agreed that some writing is just so rich. You come
upon sentences that stop you in your tracks. You have
to read the sentence over and over. You have to hold
each word for a minute and really feel the shiver of
delight that hits your body. Is that literary? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
does seem to me that you have to read to be literary.
But I've read some great writing from people who don't
read much. So ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have read things on blogs. Sentences that stopped me
in my tracks. Words that I wanted to hold and feel the
shiver. But writing doesn't have to make me shiver for
me to be drawn back to the writer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's the whole is blogging journalism thing.
I don't know. I really don't. But sure why not? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="382">
<tr>
<td width="376">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The latitude allowed a weblogger, over time, to unfold the many aspects of
his or her life and personality, and to do so in the same space in which they
offer commentary on politics and culture, is a luxury not afforded to journalists
or even novelists: discrete, commodifiable work requires a purpose, a point,
or at the very least a markable focus. This is not to say, however, that the
self presented on a weblog is a �complete� or even an accurate one:
just as in journalism, memoir, or fiction, decisions are made about what to
include and what to exclude.
(<a href="http://blog.lib.umn.edu/blogosphere/labyrinth_unbound.html">more</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
latitude allowed a weblogger. Hmmm. We are a rowdy bunch.
We do what we want to do the way we want to do it. It's
the anarchy in blogging that keeps me hooked. The way
I can click around and find someone. Enter their life.
Sometimes through the kitchen. Sometimes through the
study. And I am excited to find them there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is ironic. I've been writing on line for close to three
and a half years. In the years before I started I was
always out. Out at work. Out at school. With people.
Lots of people. I am increasingly in. Happy to be so,
except for the dwindling funds part. I feel shy and
reclusive. But I spend my days wandering into other
people's lives on line. So even as I am in - I am out.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
am I a member of a community? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure if there is a word that puts more fear in my
heart than the word community. I use it. Sometimes I
use it to speak about solidarity. Sometimes I want to
curl up in it. But. It's problematic isn't it? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://immolation.org/">N</a>
linked this <a href="http://weblog.burningbird.net/archives/2004/02/11/community-member-or-writer/">post by
Shelly</a> with this pull quote. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="435">
<tr>
<td width="429">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Do you write to be part of a community? Or do you write to write, and
the community part either happens, or doesn't�t? Depending on where
you�re at within this space can influence your writing. If community
causes you to alter your writing�not to say something you think should
be said, or to write a certain way to get attention�then you are
betraying yourself as a writer. Worse. Lose yourself enough in the
community and you�ll start to do what I did: embed a tiny demand for
reassurance and approval in everything you write, until you exhaust
both yourself and everyone who reads you. (<a href="http://weblog.burningbird.net/archives/2004/02/11/community-member-or-writer/">...</a>)
</span></font></td>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Um.
I write in a never ending demand for reassurance and
approval. If it's exhausting then people should takes
naps. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first began writing on line I did feel as if I was
putting a message in a bottle. And now I have a long
list of people who I feel the need to check in on and
many of them still check in on me. And there people
reading who don't have their own blog and who don't
even let me know that they are there. I'm not Emily
Dickinson. Much as I might like to see myself that way.
I'm not Sor Jauna. Much as I might aspire to be. I am
in conflict. Desperate for conversation. Exhausted by
the work of what it means to be in community. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do write with an awareness, even a hope, about who is
reading. But I've also given up hope. Sometimes I write
a post and I check again and again, hoping for a comment.
Hoping that the conversation will continue. Expand.
And maybe even resolve. I have an agenda with <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>.
I did write about my family and my kooky way of being
in the world. I'm hoping that when people read it they
will think about whatever bias they have about fat people.
I am not agneda free. My writing does shape shift around
my sense of who is reading.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
Hmmm. Am I part of a community? I have blogging friends
who I adore. I feel my relationships with them every
bit as deeply as I feel the relationships I have in
the off line world. And just like the relationships
I have off line I have some friends with whom I have
issues. And how do we work through our issues? Off line
I will talk till my jaws hurt in an effort to work through
issues. On line ... well. Text is so fixed. Or maybe
that's not it. I would type till my fingers cramped
in an effort to work things out. But too often I think
we just stop the process. And sometimes you have to
stop. Some things aren't ever going to get worked out.
But when you stop the process off line you it has a
thud. On line you can just click away. Mutter to the
screen. Not read that person for while. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
than one moving part. But somehow it's all centered
around the never ending contemplation of why do I do
this. Why do I write at all? What do I hope for? What
must I accept? Where do I push? How can I say it? Why
should I try? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
moon is 96.5% of full as I write. It will be a <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0728_040728_bluemoon.html">Blue
Moon.</a> Link via <a href="http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2004/07/0728_040728_bluemoon.html">3rd
House Party</a>. Once in a blue moon. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
shoulder only hurts when I move my head or my arm too
far. The muscle is calming. I think this post might
still be in process. And it may never have a distinct
end. I wander off on side trails and can't find my way
back. I am moony and wary of extending my reach. I am
writing about being withdrawn and in the act of writing
I am outgoing. It's all so loopy. And somewhat fraught.
And maybe exhausting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
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