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<td width="743"> <p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b> July 2003</b></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="716">
<tr>
<td width="710" height="15073"><p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b> </b></span></font><a id="e292" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e292"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e292"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">1</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~hyrax/personal/files/student_res/straightprivilege.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></a><a href="http://harrumph.com/rabbit/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Rabbit
rabbit.</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did some writing on Sunday
that I hated. Yesterday
when I read it again I thought
it didn't suck. So I worked
some more. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Then
I made popcorn and watched
</font><a href="http://www.sonyclassics.com/pollock/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pollock</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(593)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_593"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:33 A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e293" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e293"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e293"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">2</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
lost my rhythm. Can you tell? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
been deeply discouraged for the last few days. In the
morning when I try to write my post I am dry and wordless.
Maybe it's because I'm using up my writing energy on
THE BOOK. But yesterday I didn't really write at all.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
no way that I'm going to succumb to this. I need to
finish THE BOOK. And I want to write my little page.
But I'm feeling things faster than I can process them
and I'm not keeping up. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I woke up this morning wondering what to do about it.
I thought I might take a week off. But I don't really
want to. I love the reading blogs writing my own portion
of my day. I've been doing this first thing for a few
years now and I love it. Usually it jogs me into writer
mode. But not lately. I'm wondering what to do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
right now I don't have an answer. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I'm employing a technique that I've used in all my journals.
I'm writing about not writing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(594)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_594"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:10
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e294" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e294"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e294"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">5</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">In
the past few years, while
I've been writing on line,
at several points during
the day, I have the thought; I should
write about that tomorrow.
It can be when I'm cooking
or maybe I hear something
and react or maybe I see
something. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
been reading about this </font><a href="http://www.magpienest.org/scgi-bin/wiki.pl?HomePage"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">wiki</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on a couple of </font><a href="http://cassandrapages.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">people's</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">pages</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and I thought about it on
Wednesday as I walked past
a bar. The specific question
was </font><a href="http://www.magpienest.org/scgi-bin/wiki.pl?HowAreWeDefinedAndShapedByThePlaceWeLive"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">how
are we defined and formed
by the place we live?</font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
used to live in a bar in
the </font><a href="http://www.boulderado.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Hotel
Boulderado</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I slept at home but I went
to the bar right after work
and on my days off I went
there for breakfast and
stayed most of the day.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
you hang out in a bar you
drink. But if you're there
all day you drink slow.
You know you have time.
On Sundays I stopped in
the lobby, bought a NY Times,
an LA Times and a </font><a href="http://www.thedailycamera.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Daily
Camera</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The bartender made me a
Bloody Mary and a double
cappuccino the minute I
walked in. I never had to
ask. I sat at the bar and
read papers and ate eggs
and drank and smoked and
talked to the bartender.
Maybe I'd have another Bloody
Mary. But at a certain point in the day I'd switch to
Scotch. Scotch is a good sipping drink. I drank it on
the rocks. The first sips were strong and oaky. And
then there was the watery ice cube crunching finish.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
was a little bar with one
big stain glass window.
The light filtered through
green and blue and prism
glass. Rainbows danced around
the room at certain points
of the day but it was mostly
dark and smoke filled. Jazz
was the music of choice.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Before
I hung out there I worked
at the restaurant that was
on the other side of the
bar. Once I served Charles
Mingus a roast beef sandwich
in the bar. I saw William
Burroughs there. When I
was drinking there I often
drank with </font><a href="http://www.nancysteinbeck.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">John
Steinbeck IV.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
He was chaotic. I loved
him. I can still picture
the brown liquid pouring
from the glass across his
full lips into his mouth.
He drank in one gulp. And
then he'd talk. And I mostly
listened. But I got a word
or two in. His brother Tom
liked me because the first
time he saw me he tried
to take one of my Sunday
morning papers. And, he
said, I didn't even look
up. I just reached out a
hand, slammed it down on
the pile and said, "Mine."
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Once,
</font><a href="http://www.taj-mo-roots.com/splash.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Taj
Maha</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">l
came in and we sang </font><a href="http://www.bluesforpeace.com/lyrics/cover-waterfront.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
Cover the Waterfront</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
together. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">How
did it shape me? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was in my late twenties,
early thirties. I was living
like I was dying. I was
living in a dark recessive
world. Sipping Scotch and
blowing smoke. Memorizing
the names on the rows of
bottles. Talking trash and
existential despair. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
used to go there with one
of the great loves of my
life. </font></span><span style='font-size:11pt; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho"'><font face="Lucida Sans">He
drank Dos Equis. I drank Johnny Walker
Black. I started smoking just so I could feel the brush of his fingers
when he lit my cigarette. We bought little folded magazine page squares filled
with cocaine. I felt the warmth of his fingers under the little mirror that he
held while I lowered the rolled up dollar bill to the line of white powder. It
might not have been love. He might not have been my soul mate. But he was right there.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=DefaultText style="text-align:justify; text-indent:.5in;" align="justify"><span style='font-size:11pt; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho"'><font face="Lucida Sans">He was there until late
in the evening when he would go to the other woman�s house to ... sleep. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
thought about it as I walked
past the bar the other day.
I wanted to go in and sit
there in the stale beer
stench and have a drink
in the middle of the day. I wanted the relief
of the dark recess and the
burn of alcohol as it hit
the back of my throat. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
this is another time. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I walked on down the hill
to </font><a href="http://www.realfoodco.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
store</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and bought </font><a href="http://www.honesttea.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">tea</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and bagels and red snapper.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did my dying time early.
And it shaped me in ways
that I may not fully understand.
But I thought about it all
and then I thought - I should
write about that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I went home and worked on
The Book instead. I sent
a pile of writing to Stephen
early. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Thursday
night I woke up at 2:30
having a panic attack. I
breathed through it. Got
out of bed and wrote some
more. One minute I like
it. The next minute I hate
it.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
wrote most of this while
everyone in my building
was on the roof watching
the fire works. I just wasn't
in the mood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
think all this tension is about finishing The Book.
It is close to done. There are ways in which you can
always keep working on any piece of writing. But
there is a time when you need to say enough. And I'm
close to that place, both because it is the last step
in getting my MFA and also because I need to stop writing
it. Writing a memoir is a weary solipsism. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Thanks
for the comments. I am, as always, deeply grateful for
my friends. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(595)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_595"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:47
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e295" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e295"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e295"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">6</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
didn't write a fucking thing
yesterday. I looked at the
chapter where every sentence
begins with the word I.
And then ... I ... played
with my </font><a href="http://www.eagames.com/official/sims_superstar/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SIMS</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
(Don't even click on it
if you're on dial up.).
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
are two things I like about
playing with the SIMS. I
like the story I tell myself
about them while I play
and I like making the houses.
I tell myself that these
are signs that I play in
an elevated and creative
manner. The truth is that
my suppressed consumerist
comes out and wants to buy
two of everything. And in
the SIMS, I can. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">No
matter how much stuff you
buy them they can't really
enjoy it all. BY the time
they get to work and eat
and sleep and do self improvement
and take care of all those
pesky bathroom needs there's
no time left to watch the
big screen TV. And then there's
the effort to make and keep
friends. Goodgawd. It's
too much like life.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I quit playing for weeks
at a time and then one day
I want to try something
and days, or should I say
daze, go by. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got Superstar for my birthday.
Um. Let me say that correctly.
I bought myself Superstar
for my birthday. Which is
madness because I have no money
and am waiting for some student
loan money to come in so
that I can pay bills. So
I tossed the cost of the
game onto my debt
load. Madness. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
one of my SIMS who is pretty
famous already, which says
something unfortuate about how much I've played. I wanted to build
him a big mansion. So I
did. It must have taken
an hour and then I clicked
on one thing too many and
my computer froze. I had
to reboot and I lost everything.
It was a gold toilet. The
thing I clicked on. It was
a gold toilet. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">What
was I thinking? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
went to Cheryl's house for
dinner, which was delicious
and fun. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
real.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Then
I came home and rebuilt
the mansion. No gold toilet
this time.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
really need to work on that
chapter where all the sentences
begin with I. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(596)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_596"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:53
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e296" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e296"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e296"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">7</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">A
few months ago my Mom sent
me a </font><a href="http://www.guideposts.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Guidepost</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in which there was an article
by a woman who lost weight.
She had been (I dunno maybe
she still is) a compulsive
overeater. She got involved
with </font><a href="http://www.overeatersanonymous.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">OEA
</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> and
someone gave her a rock
with the word hope on it.
I've seen these rocks in
novelty stores. They are more glass than rock and they
are different colors and kinda pretty. They have a variety
of different words etched into them. This woman got
one that said hope. She used it to meditate
and hold the hope that she
could lose weight. And she
did. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mom
didn't get the idea of the
little rock with the word
hope etched into it. She sent
me a rock. Just a rock.
A plain rock. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
kept that rock for reasons
of my own. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">As
it turns out my Mother wrote
a note to the women asking
her to write to me. Mom thought
I might hear the good news of hope about weight loss
coming from a success story. The woman felt such a desire
to bring me the good news that she looked my phone number
up in the phone book. And last
night she called. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
fought through a world of
emotion to have a conversation
with her. She was nice enough.
I'm nice enough. We are
two people coming from different
ideas. She is writing a
book. Imagine that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
is not the first time
I've been approached by
someone who has lost weight
and is proud of the fact
but think they have a lot
in common with me because
they're pissed off that
the world is so mean to
fat people. It's always
a mixed thing for me. I
strongly support the idea
that people have a right
to do with their bodies
what they will. And if people
find a way to love their
bodies ... it's all good.
But they have nothing in
common with me. They've made entirely different choices. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ya
know she was a nice enough
person. Calling to bring
me the good word about hope.
She wanted me to know that
I can lose weight. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
my Mom. I know she's worried.
I know she wants me to be
healthy and happy. I know
she means well.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
after I spend some time
trying to understand the
nice well meaning people
of the world I feel my own
feelings. I feel my rage.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Imagine
someone who you don't know
calling you, in your home,
on a Sunday evening to tell
you that there is hope.
You don't have to be ugly
and unhealthy any more.
She asked me if I had a
relationship. She asked
me if I thought I might
have a relationship if I
lost weight. Called me.
In my home. On a Sunday
evening. Because my Mom
asked her to. To tell me
that there is hope. I can
lose weight and men will want me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
that is what love is. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Last
night I had a dream about
a man who I met a few years
ago to whom I was (am) attracted.
He was hugging me. We were
just standing there holding
each other and it felt so
good. I tried so hard not
to wake up. The dream was
so real that my body felt
... well you know. And the
dream stayed with me all
day. I was feeling good
about having such a nice
dream and bad because maybe
that's all I get. A dream.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Unless
I comply.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
she asked me if I had a relationship I wanted to say
yes. I wanted to say that I'd woken up in the arms of
a wonderful man. It wouldn't have been a lie. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She
shared story after story of compulsive over eating and
paused so I could tell my own stories. But I don't have
them. She shared story after story of the food she eats
for comfort and waited for me to commiserate. Food can
be a comfort. I have had the experience of going out
to eat a lovely meal, or even fixing myself a lovely
meal and feeling a bit better about life after I was
fed. But I haven't found the ice cream that can take
away sorrow. I wish that I thought eating ice cream
would work. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
we had a civil, albeit oppositional, conversation. I
hung up the phone and believe me, I wished I had the
magic ice cream that makes anger and hurt and frustration
go away. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do have the rock. I have the rock to remind me that
love is sometimes idiotic. And sometimes it expresses
itself in ways that hurt. And maybe I can hope for a
time when people will understand that there is more
than one fat narrative and that all fat people are not
compulsive overeaters. If a person is compulsively eating
in a futile attempt to fend off difficult emotion I
hope that they get help. I hope that they can learn
to eat for health and pleasure. And some of them will
lose weight. And some of us will always be bigger. Some
of us always were. And some of us don't believe that
we are ugly, or particularly unhealthy, or unlovable.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
maybe that's just a hope.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(597)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_597"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:59
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p><a id="e297" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e297"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e297"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">8</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">For
some unknown reason I was
thinking about </font><a href="http://eserver.org/marx/1848-communist.manifesto/cm1.txt"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Marx</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I like Marx. Marx said he
was not a Marxist. It seems
to me that to call one self
a Marxist is kind of missing
the point. But I like him.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then I heard </font><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index=books&field-author=Lichtman%2C%20Richard/002-0290543-6051218"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
guy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
talking about him on </font><a href="http://www.livingroomradio.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Living
Room</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Talking about alienation
and fetishization and all
that hyper analytical big
word stuff
that I love so much. (You
can listen to it on the
site if you're feeling the
need for some yak yak on
Karl.) He
( Richard Lichtman. Not
Marx.) teaches at the </font><a href="http://www.wrightinst.edu/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Wright
Institute,</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
which is where I wanted
to go and do a thesis on
fat psychology, internalized
oppression and rejection
of the notion of the body
as product.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Or
I wanted to do the </font><a href="http://humwww.ucsc.edu/histcon/HisCon.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">History
of Consciousness</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
so I could study with </font><a href="http://humwww.ucsc.edu/histcon/HisCon.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Angela.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
And if money were no object
I probably would. Although,
if money were no object
I think I would take </font><a href="http://www.sfai.edu/painting.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">classes
in painting</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and spend the rest of my
life with a brush in my
hand.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
whose birthday was yesterday,
(More hugs to ya G.K. ) sent
me a link to </font><a href="http://www.selectsmart.com/president/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
test</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(Guess </font><a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/index.php?topic=blog"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">who</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
it said I should vote for?)
And news of other Dennis
</font><a href="http://reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=musicNews&storyID=3049922"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">fans</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">What
would Karl say?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I was sitting around thinking about Marx and who I should
vote for and whether or not I should make my SIMS
a newer bigger house and the phone rang. Kristina
and her Mother were hanging out in </font><a href="http://www.epicurious.com/erg/sf/rose_pistola.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
restaurant</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
up the street. I put on some shoes and socks and beat
feet up there. We ordered a bunch of green food. Green
beans with brown butter and hazelnuts, rabe, spinach,
peas with mint. And roasted beets with ricotta salada
and arugala, Figs with procuitto and figs with marscapone.
I was really happy to see her Mom. I wouldn't be feeling
too happy to see my own Mother right about now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">For
the moment, unlike so much of my working life, I own
the means of production. Which is to say that I own
all this kooky blah blah yak yak and the computer with
which I am trying to shape it all into something readable.
Which is to say that I best be working on THE BOOK so
that I can finish the graduate program I actually did
do. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(598)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_598"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:24
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e298" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e298"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e298"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">9</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have mentioned that I love
my </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Board
of Supervisors</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I really do. </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/38/x_oped.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Except when
they are fat phobic</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. But
they do have some cool ideas.
</font><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/07/08/BA261088.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Liveable
wage. Watch dog commissions</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
to make sure the police are held accountable.
And then there's the </font><a href="http://www.gavinnewsom.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">yucky
one </font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">who
wants to be the mayor. Eeeww.
I have my own </font><a href="http://www.ammianoformayor.com/en/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">choice
for mayor</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
at the board a riot almost
broke out because the yucky
one went to Mexico for a
vacation which held up the
vote on his stupid care
not cash bullshit. People
were pissed. The Supes </font><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/07/09/BA301209.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">did
pass a measure</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
that will take some of the bite out of care not cash
but it may get shot down next week. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
mayoral race in SF will be almost as intense as the
presidential race because the </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/41/cover_gavin.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">yucky
one is well funded</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Watching
the Supes and the upset of the people who were there
to speak out against care not cash was a Marxist moment.
The divide between the haves and the have nots in this
city is extreme. And people have had enough. I wouldn't
normally be critical of a supervisor taking a vacation.
</font><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/07/09/MN23883.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
myself might like a vacation in Mexico</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
But the timing on this one is heartless and disrespectful.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=7251"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
mayor</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
introduced a commendation to MSNBC yesterday for </font><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/07/09/MN158024.DTL"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">firing
the savage</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and encouraged the radio station to the same. Doncha
love that?</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(599)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_599"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:13
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e299" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">10</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Mom called. I was ready
to have a serious talk with
her about why it's not OK
to ask other people to call
me and talk to me about
weight loss. And then she
told me she was in the hospital.
It seems that one of her
hip replacements was broken.
They took it out and put
a new one in. She's fine.
But the whole thing has
been going on for a few
weeks and she wasn't
telling me. There's something
about that. It just hit
me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She's
got friends and she and
K are living
in a retirement place so
they're totally hooked up.
They have meals and docs
and it's all good. But.
She's so far away. I'm so
far away. She drives me
crazy. That's why I live
so far away. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
now. I just want to be closer.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
hit me like a tsunami. What little concentration I had
was shot. I went to bed early and now it's the middle
of the night and I can't sleep. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
awake in the middle of the night. Thinking about nothing and
everything in such equal measure that my thoughts have
a buzzing hive quality. I'm trying to talk myself down
with breathing and writing and maybe I'll take a shower.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I want to be on a plane, flying to NC, to take care
of my Mom.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(600)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_600"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 4:04
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e300" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e300"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">11</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
just isn't anyone else who
can make me feel this way.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Mom and Dad split when I
was three months old. She
and I went to live with
her Mom and Dad. We shared
the room she had shared
with her sister growing
up. We were like sisters.
And best friends. It probably
wasn't the best thing. I've
spent years trying to determine
where she leaves off and
I begin. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
is not enough therapy in
the world. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Things
have changed. We aren't
as close. But we have carved out a kind of closeness.
And I love her.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She
is fine. K is fine. There
is nothing I could be doing
if I were there right now. I wish
I could be there when she
comes home from the hospital
though. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did end up taking a shower
and washing my hair. I read
for a while and slept for
a while. Finally I decided
to do laundry. The repetitive
motion of folding socks,
underwear, towels, pants,
seemed to calm me.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Watched
</font><a href="http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/unchained_memories/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Unchained
Memories</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I don't have HBO; it was a </font><a href="http://www.netflix.com/Default"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Netflix</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
disc. It's funny how the Netflix thing can work. I filled
my queue without thinking about what I wanted to watch
when. I watched </font><a href="http://www.rabbitprooffence.com.au/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Rabbit
Proof Fence</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
a few days ago. I'm not feeling too good about white
people right about now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ate
green beans and shitakes
with red bell pepper pasta.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Finished the reading </font><a href="http://www.hemingwaybookclubofkosovo.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Hemingway Book Club of Kosovo</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">. It's
was so good. And speaks to the fact that hatred is not
always based on melatonin. Although, when the
writer was in Italy a man told her that Albanians were
darker. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My </font><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">BFB</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> </font><a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/bigfatblog.4793976"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">bag</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> came. It's
very cool. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Notable
moment in the day. Me wandering
from book shelf to bookshelf
muttering, "Where the
fuck is my Rumi?"</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(601)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_601"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:02
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e301" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e301"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">12</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">1:04
AM. Thud from apartment to the left. Sound of angry
voices. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">2:27
AM. Sound of keys in door of apartment on the right.
Crash. Something, or someone, seems to have fallen.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">3:04
AM. Sound of female and male voices on the street. Very
loud. Not happy."Cloths! Give me my cloths!"
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">4:15
AM. Clump. Clump. of shoes on wooden stairs in back
of building. Door slams. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">4:22
AM. More things falling in apartment to the right. Big
things. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pain
in stomach from digestion that is suddenly not going
well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://stardate.org/nightsky/moon/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Ohhhhhh.</font></a></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(602)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_602"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 4:05
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e302" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e302"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">13</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
a bit punch drunk from lack of sleep and worry. The
neighbors continued to howl at the moon last night but
not as loudly. On the left their kitchen wall is my
bedroom wall. When they come home at 2:30 AM and go
to the kitchen for snacks and chat I hear it all. But
they don't seem to do that too often. The neighbor on
the right was playing guitar and singing with friends
at 5:30 AM. Either they were very quiet about it last
night or I was so tired I didn't hear them. My building
is generally quiet. And the neighborhood can be so quiet
at night that I can hear the </font><a href="http://www.mapwest.com/web_cam/sealions/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">sea
lions at the wharf</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
talked to K last night and Mom is fine. He says he's
fine. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did get some writing done. Which, I have to say, seemed
shocking. My concentration has been nil. I'm red eyed
and weary. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mostly
I read. I'm not usually a mystery reader but </font><a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/doubleday/davinci/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this
book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was recommended by a friend and it's sucking me in.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Somewhere
on the web I read a comment about personal bloggers.
The writer was saying that our lives just aren't that
interesting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yeah.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Well.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oh.
I'm tired. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(603)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_603"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:42
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e303" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e303"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">14</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
friend </font><a href="http://itsa.ucsf.edu/~cync/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Cynthia</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has a fellowship at the
</font><a href="http://www.headlands.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Headlands
Center for the Arts</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and she read at an </font><a href="http://www.headlands.org/Programs/summer_openhouse_2003.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">open
house</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
there yesterday. She's a
</font><a href="http://itsa.ucsf.edu/~cync/RunnersHigh.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">wonderful
writer</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Deb and I went swimming
in the morning
and then to hear Cynthia.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">We
got a little lost so we
didn't get there in time
to go visit </font><a href="http://itsa.ucsf.edu/~cync/Headlands.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">her
studio</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
We coulda stayed after the
reading but we were hungry
after the swim so we went
back to the city for </font><a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/zuni/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">food</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
reading was odd because
while she was reading there
were people walking over
head and dancing, or something.
It just seemed to me that
they might have organized things to make sure the writers
had a quiet place in which to read. And the woman
who brought her rather large dog into the reading and
gave him water to lap at during the poetry might have
needed a slap. I mean, what the fuck is up with that?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The piece
Cynthia read was great. It
was new writing. She also
works
in science and she writes
about </font><a href="http://itsa.ucsf.edu/~cync/WTHD.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">things
scientific</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in a way that makes them
accessible. Elegant. Personal.
And she was the best of
the three people who read.
And I'm not just saying
that because she might read
my blog. I'm saying that
because sometimes writers
can be so ... precious.
And not in a good way. But
Cyn is funny and grounded
and smart. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got some sun and sea air.
I could taste salt on my
lips. It was restorative.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I came home thinking about writing. And art. And people.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
meet with Stephen this week. It's our next to last meeting.
And, really, The Book is so close to done. I'm sure
Stephen will prod more work out of me. But I'm feeling
the close on this project. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then what?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
sent Stephen a pile of writing early and I have more
to take to him. I'm going to keep myself busy by reading
the whole mess out loud. It's a good thing to do. Any
repetitive rhythm, or off beat rhythm becomes obvious.
It's hard to stay conscious while you do it though.
It's easier when someone else is listening. Painfully
easier. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Heh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
so I'm off to my </font><a href="http://www.caterina.net/archive/000288.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">pensum.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(604)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_604"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:47
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e304" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e304"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">14</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
one more thing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was reading </font><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Elayne</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
the other day, as I am wont to do. She was talking about
</font><a href="http://peevish.blogspot.com/2003_07_06_peevish_archive.html#105795011045778659"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
post by Anne</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
There were two parts to the conversation in my reading.
One having to do with anti-intellectualism and the other
having to do with how fatness is folded into the portrayal
of the dumbed down American. In my sleep deprived sloggish
state (is that alliteration?) I felt a response deep
in the recess of my brain. And it is only now, long
after everyone else has moved on, that I am forming
that response into a post. I'm sure it has nothing
to do with not wanting to work on the other writing.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Elayne
and Anne both </font><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2003_06_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#95292823"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">say
things</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
about anti-intellectualism with which I heartily agree.
I cringe when I hear people talking about college, or
education in general, as something for the elite and
not necessary. In fact, I was someone who said that
kind of thing. I worked in restaurants with a number
of Ph.D holders and I made snide remarks about the value
of their education in terms of how it informed their
ability to keep their stations clean. And then I went
to college. And I remembered how much I loved reading
and (uhem) writing and being in class and learning with
others. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
do think that we have the president we have because
he was sold as a "regular guy". Well. That
and the fact that they didn't count the votes and the
Supreme Court decided that was OK. But I digress. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
grew up in a white collar working class family who idealised
education. I was in that generation of kids who entered
the academy on the backs of their parents labour. Except
I didn't enter. The only time I wanted to be on a college
campus was when there was a protest occurring. It took
almost thirty years before I entered the academy and
when I did it was </font><a href="http://www.newcollege.edu/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">barely
the academy</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
People in my school made fun of me when I used "big
words" People in my MFA program made fun
of me for using big words. We have a serious problem
in this country. People want smart-alec mean spirited
quips and not deep critical thinking, or beautiful language.
I have a friend who worries about the term critical
because "it's just so negative." Huh? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Mother thinks the minute they hand me the scroll I will
immediately be employed. She worked for years with people who
made more money than she did because they had a degree
and she did not. Twenty years later they still call
her with questions. And she still knows the answer.
So we do have some really loopy ideas about what education
is for and whether a piece of paper means a person is
actually smarter. But we are also living in a culture
that adores making fun of the smart kids, elevates the
pretty kids and persecutes the fat kids.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Which
brings me to the second part of the conversation. Anne
linked to </font><a href="http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,991382,00.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">an
article</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
with which Elayne took issue. I understood her issue
immediately since the article opens with the tired fat
phobic portrait of American life. We are all fat and
we all drink big cups of soda and eat bad food and love
our local sport ... uh ... teams. (Did I say that right?)
The rest of the article makes some interesting
points. I'm probably more with him than against him.
I do think we are infantalized. But there is that fat
indulged, indulgent American thing. And there is even
some truth in all that. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Of
course, being a fat American who doesn't drink from
big cups and doesn't really get sports (Not that sports
are bad. But could we pay teachers half of what we pay
sports guys?) and, well, you know, the knee jerk fat
representation pisses me off. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
was in the comments that things got interesting. Anne
didn't really notice the fat phobia. Hmmmm. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
frequently have conversations with nice, liberal people
who are shocked to hear some of the experiences I have
as a fat person. I tell them a few stories about people
saying things to me in the street and they are aghast.
They would never do that. They might talk about their
concern for my health but they would be very kind as
they did it. They walk into restaurants with me and
don't notice that I can't fit into the chairs. They
follow the host to the table and wonder why I have such
a miserable look on my face. But are they mad at the
restaurant? No. They just think I should lose
some weight. Because I must not have really tried. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
interesting. I like Anne. I'm adding her to my blog
roll. I don't think that she and Elayne (or I ) are
in any big disagreement. Just some clarification of
terms and acknowledgement of unconscious bigotry. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
now I really, really, really am going to work on THE
BOOK. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">You
believe me don't you? </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(605)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_605"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 12:33
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e305" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e305"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">15</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Reading
a piece of writing out loud
is such a good thing. I
caught so many little places that
didn't work. But I get sick
of it. So I read for a while
and then made chicken salad.
Read some more and watched
</font><a href="http://r5.us.rmi.yahoo.com/rmi/http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay/rmivars%3ftarget=_top?movieid=60025376&trkid=3257"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pie
in the Sky</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(Which was amazing and horrifying and funny all at the
same time.) I just kept going back into
it and I still have more
to do. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Planet
Organics</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
brought a bounty of peaches, blackberries, strawberries
and cantaloupe. And beets, which I roasted right a way.
It was hot here and having the oven on wasn't the smartest
thing. But I have a little salad bar in my refrigerator
right now. I blanched green beans the other day. I may
do the same with some corn. I just want cold food right
now. Big fruit salads in the morning and veggies and
chicken salad in the afternoon. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Plus
it all has to be something I can throw in a bowl quickly
and get back in front of the computer to the read-a-thon.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
close to being finished. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(606)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_606"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:56
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e306" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e306"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">16</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
didn't seem likely that no one would respond negatively
to </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/38/x_oped.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">my
rant</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and two weeks ago someone did via a letter to the editor.
I responded </font><a href="http://www.sfbg.com/37/42/x_talkback.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">today</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(Scroll down.) I can't link to the letter he wrote but
it basically listed the things I'm going to die of because
I'm fat. The health issue, like so many things, is complex
and I just get frustrated when all bad health is tossed
into the fat basket. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A56186-2003Jul14.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">A
new study</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
says that I may have Alzheimer's in my seventies because
I'm fat. It's ironic for me since the two people in
my family with Alzheimer's are the thin men not the
fat woman. If you read carefully what they are noticing
is that high blood pressure may cause Alzheimer's. Or
be part of what causes it. Again, in my family, my Stepfather
is on high blood pressure meds; my Mom is not. Guess
which one is fat? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Not
only is my stepfather not fat he was always active,
never smoked, or did drugs, or drank in excess,
never ate junk; he's a poster boy for a healthy life
style. And in his late seventies he began to decline.
In his family heart attack and stroke is common. I'm
not disparaging his healthy life style I'm just saying
that things happen in bodies. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
Mom, who has always been a little fat but also very
active and doesn't really eat junk (she eats pretzels
and cookies but not fast food) and did smoke when she
was younger is on no high blood pressure meds. And she
is mentally sharp. For someone her age. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
just that bodies are all different. And that should
be OK. And things do go wrong. But I would like people
to think about fat people and high blood pressure. Stress
causes high blood pressure. And we (fat people) are
feeling some stress. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I was watching the </font><a href="http://r5.us.rmi.yahoo.com/rmi/http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay/rmivars%3ftarget=_top?movieid=60025376&trkid=3257"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Brigid
Berlin movie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I was struck by what happens to fat people when they
lose weight. </font><a href="http://www.warholstars.org/stars/brigid.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She
was fat</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
all her life, from early childhood, and was every diet
and pill and lost and regained her weight over and over
and gained it all back again and again. She has a thing
for sweets. In the movie she ate piece after piece of
key lime pie with whipped cream. Now she goes to OE
and works with a sponsor and weighs everything compulsively
and charts all of her food. She's average size these
days. Except when she eats pie. She gains weight
quickly and becomes very depressed. So she obsesses.
In both directions. She eats pie in excess and then
she weighs lettuce. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
know there are a lot of people with compulsive over
eating problems and my heart goes out to them. I don't
want to minimize what happens for them. But not all
fat people eat pie after pie. And when Brigid was a
fat girl she had a life. She had friends. She had sex.
She made art. There is much to pathologize in her life
but she doesn't seem to have a way to think about her
psychological problems. She "doesn't blame her
parents." Neither do I. But I do understand
how who my parents are shaped some of who I am. In ways
both good and bad. And knowing those things helps me
to make new choices. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
there are some things you can't choose. I have brown
eyes. Like my Dad. I have a proclivity for fatness.
Like my Mom. I don't eat pie after pie. I couldn't.
I'd get sick. But I do eat pie. Sometimes. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
just want to parse the issues. And I want it to be clear
that if I get Alzheimer's when I'm in my seventies that
it may be a result of a variety of things in my life
beginning with genetics. And then ... I did do drugs
and smoked and drank and never had regular health care
and worked and worried and felt the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune. And my bodies is a sum of many
parts. And it's fat. And that is not a part I will chose
to disown. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(607)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_607"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:31
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Writing is like getting married. One should never
commit oneself until one is amazed at one's luck. - <a href="http://murdoch.shape9.nl/Murdoch.html">Iris
Murdock</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><a id="e307" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e307"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">16</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Apropos
to yesterday's post I watched </font><a href="http://www.miramaxhighlights.com/iris/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Iris</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It was one of the most beautiful love stories I've ever
seen. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Put
me in a mood though. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
like what </font><a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000321.html#000321"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Kurt
said</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(608)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_608"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 10:52
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p> <a id="e308" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e308"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">17</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did some late night blogging.
Usually I read around in
the morning while I'm eating
breakfast. But I've been
trying to get to work on
THE BOOK early every day.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
did do a bunch of work and
then watched </font><a href="http://www.miramaxhighlights.com/iris/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the movie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> in
an attempt to wind
down my brain. But it wound
up my heart. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I looked for company. And
so many of my Internet friends
are blue. It was a heart
aching evening. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">George</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is doing an </font><a href="http://www.negrophile.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">interesting
new project</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/blogger.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Meg</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
asked everyone to do this.</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="312">
<tr>
<td width="306">
<p>Mandarin is
<a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/refer.html">
tweaking the CSS </a>
for Stephen Downes's referrer JavaScript.
</p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She
asked on Monday. But maybe
it's not too late. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://dagnabbit.com/political%20posters.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Craig</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is another </font><a href="http://www.startsoma.com/currentshow.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">show</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The opening was last night and I missed it because I'm
an air head. And because I'm ascared of people. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
gotta get ready to meet with </font><a href="http://www.distortionthebook.com/beachy.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Stephen</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(609)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_609"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:41
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e309" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e309"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">18</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes,
after a meeting with Stephen,
I have such a headache.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
know that doesn't sound
good. And it may be the
two double cappuccinos I
always have. But I think
it's just that he fills
my head up with too much.
And that is good. But it
gives me a headache. Sometimes.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
is a structural issue with
THE BOOK. I know it. And
I know I have to fix it.
And I haven't been sure
how. That was most of what
we talked about. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">That
and city politics, the lies
of GW and the need to deal
with rejection when it comes
to publishing.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Maybe
that's why I had a head
ache. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
came home and worked for
a few hours. I usually have
CSPAN or </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/sfgtv_index.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">26</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on while I write but I was just too focused. I received
a lovely mix tape from </font><a href="http://slumberland.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Laurie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
(thank you so much) but I didn't listen to it yet. The
only way I could fend off the head ache was to focus
on the writing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
almost bought cigarettes on the way home. I felt the
need to call up the meaner parts of myself. Pushing
back into the writing feels like misery. It's not really
that big of a deal. But I was feeling so close to done.
And I still am. But the kind of work I need to do will
be tedious and require me to remember things I'd just
as soon forget. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oh
well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">When
I came home I thought I'd stay up all night and write.
But by 9:00 it was clear that was foolish. So I read
for a while and went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I
read until 2:00 AM. Woke up thinking about writing.
I guess I should get to it. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(610)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_610"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:22
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e310" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e310"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e299"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">19</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
was so odd.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
began to work on the big
restructuring project and
I had three documents open.
I was cutting stuff from
the main document and moving
it to one of the other two.
And then I started to type
and something happened.
It seems I locked the docs.
I have no idea how. My loopy
all-over-the-keys typing might have had something to
do with it. I couldn't
get back into the main document.
I have recent back ups so
it wouldn't be a total loss.
But I'd been working for
about an hour and I was
bummed. I
rebooted and everything
came back in recovered docs.
So I was checking frantically
to see if all the changes
were there and the phone
rang. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It was Mom. She's
home from the hospital and
sounded fine. She's still
using a walker but she seems
to be mending well. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Then
I had to get ready to go
watch Gabe. He's been in
theater camp all week and
his class was doing a performance.
It was so great. They did improve theater games. Gabe
is a natural performer and story teller. I laughed so
hard my cheeks were tired when it was over. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
came home and tried to work
but I couldn't do it. I
couldn't concentrate. Not
for nothin. I tried and
tried. It was like my brain
had snapped. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/review/1999/05/07/seasons/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Three
Seasons</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was on </font><a href="http://www.ifctv.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">IFC</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I missed the beginning but I watched most of it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
hope my brain comes back today.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(611)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_611"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:33
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e311" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">20</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
morning I was listening
to a </font><a href="http://www.booktv.org/misc/harlem_071903.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">panel
discussion</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
of African American women
talking about memoir and
autobiography. I found it
deeply comforting. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sometimes
I just don't why anyone
would want to read this
book that I'm writing. It's
just my life. But if you
said that to me about anyone
else's memoir I would go
on for hours about the importance
of telling the stories of
ordinary people's lives
and how we are trained to
only be interested in the
lives of the famous and
memoir subverts that limit and
the stories of daily life
are so much richer and substantive.
I mean, I am telling you.
I would go on for HOURS.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
I'm reading my book while
I work on it. Over an over.
And I'm reading
about the time I stole nail
polish when I was kid. And
I'm wondering why this is
important. And I have to
remind myself. Again and
again. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
listening to the panel reaffirm
the value of telling our
story was a good way to
start the day. And then
I had to go Think Tank,
which is a group of women
who have been working with
health at any size stuff
for awhile. We get together
to support each other and talk about what's going on
with </font><a href="http://www.fatso.com/man1.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
revolution</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
We all acknowledged
that fat hatred is ramped
up more than we've every
seen it. I wanted more discussion
about how it all makes us
feel. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">After
the meeting, as I was standing
on the curb, waiting for
the light to change, on
my way to the bus, a fellow
in car drove by me really
close and shouted, "Get
your big ass back up on
the curb." </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Uh.
Hmm. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was on the curb. This guy
was just being a shit head.
But it just struck me. It's
the kind of thing that happens
to me often enough that
I am not shocked, or surprised.
Sometimes it hurts. It depends
on my mood. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Yesterday
it just made me wonder if
my book will do anything
to make fat life more real
and less abstract for anyone.
I know that other fat people
will see something of themselves
in the book. But what about
other people? Will they
get it?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Because
as long as, when you see
me on the street, and automatically
conclude that I must drink
big cups of soda and eat
tons of junk food, I'm not
really human. I'm this thing
called fat person, I'm this
lesser being who has allowed
this terrible thing called
being fat to happen to myself.
I have allowed it and I
deserve what ever mean thing
that anyone shouts at me
from a car. If you understand
that there is more than
one kind of fat body and
fat life and that
I am someone with humanity
and a complex life story,
then maybe you won't imagine
that it's OK to say something
shitty to me. And frankly,
even if
someone does drink big cups
of soda and junk food they
still deserve some dignity.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">A
friend of mine and I were
talking the other day and
I was ranting about the
obesity epidemic. And she
said," The good thing
about the obesity epidemic
is that it's making people
think about not drinking
those big sodas. I mean
when you go to another country
where they serve things
in eight ounce glasses you
look around and see that
people are just healthier."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Uh.
Hmm.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
is a very good friend. Someone
who I love very much. A
friend who is well read
and thinks deeply about
things like bias and discrimination
and the danger of making
abstract, generalizing statements.
And she and I have talked
a lot about this stuff.
And she knows I don't drink
big cups of soda. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Which
thing hurt me worse? The
guy on the corner? Or this
statement by my friend?
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
where is this country? The
one where every one drinks
from eight ounce glasses
and lives in perfect health?
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Even
really smart, deep thinking
people will hold on to bias
and prejudice in the name
of health and moral living
and the right way to be.
And they will be upset when
someone yells at me in the
street. But they won't imagine
that they are part of what
creates that possibility.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
came home and watched </font><a href="http://www.thehoursmovie.com/home.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Hours</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
For a while I was thinking
it might not be a good thing
to watch but in the end
it was. It was very beautiful
and life affirming. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
didn't get any work done though. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(612)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_612"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:24
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e312" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e312"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">21</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
went swimming with Marilyn
and she took me out for
a late birthday </font><a href="http://www.lunaparksf.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">lunch.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Came home feeling kinda
spaced. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I fooled around trying to
learn CSS again. Failed.
Again. But since I'd spent
so much time trying to make
a change, I felt like
I had to do something. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
had a nice long talk with Jeanne the other night. We
reminisced about India. As a result she sent me a copy
of a </font><a href="http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/rmoore/firetran.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">book
by Gaura Devi</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">,
which I have been reading a little bit before I sleep.
</font><a href="http://www.babajiashram.org/hua/devotees/Gaura.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Gaura
Devi</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was in </font><a href="http://www.haidakhan.net/gallery.php"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Hairakhan</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
when I was there. She was often the person who translated
</font><a href="http://www.babaji.net/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Baba</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">'s
Hindi. I never felt like she liked me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
was always a bit disorienting. Baba said something in
Hindi and then someone else said it in English. I never
wanted to take my eyes off of Baba but it felt impolite
to not look at the other person when they were speaking.
There was always more than one thing going on in the
communication. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
once I walked past Baba and he said something to me.
I automatically answered that I was on my way to take
a bath, which we did in the river by the way. As I walked
on I realized that he'd spoken in Hindi; I answered
in English. And it all seemed right. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have a really long chapter on my India journey. I was
really looking for a father. And I found one. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(613)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_613"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:02
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e313" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e313"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">22</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
got a lot of work done.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
found some old writing and
it seemed to answer some
of my problems. I don't
even know when I did the
writing. It must have been
for workshop but it sees
kind of incomplete as a
stand alone piece. But
it had more detailed writing
of some parts...oh this
is all too complicated.
But suffice it to say that
I got a lot of work done. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
I need to keep working. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(614)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_614"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:17
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e314" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e314"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">23</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
was at City Hall yesterday.
There was a meeting about
the task force on childhood
nutrition and obesity. Remember
when </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March03.htm#e170"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
went there before?</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
there was a meeting in which
the "new language"
of the resolution was discussed.
They still wanna make fat
kids a target. It was difficult.
I got angry. Imagine that.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jennifer,</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.fatso.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Marilyn,</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font><a href="http://www.beyondbias.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sondra</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and many others were there.
There is a man who works
for the Human Rights Commission
who was so fantastic. But
then there were the people who just don't want to "back
away" from the idea that fat kids need to lose
weight. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
keep typing sentences and
then deleting them. My thoughts
are forming and reforming
and generally popping. But
I'm tired of saying the same old things. And I'm frustrated.
People
just want to remind fat
people that we're going
to die. What is that about?
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There
will be thin people who
get Diabetes, have heart
attacks, strokes. Their
joints will hurt; they will
feel low self esteem and
depression. And what is
really sad is that none
of them will be able to
say it's because they are
fat. No one is worried about
their health. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
if I have a heart attack
... it will be because I'm
fat. It's just that simple.
Doncha see? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oh.
Yeah. I smoked and did drugs
and worked double shifts
of a stressful job and
have never had consistent
health care. But.
Come on. If I were thin
I could handle the stress
of all that
much better. And I was </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e311"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">accosted
by stranger in a car</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> who
wanted to yell hateful things
at me and I have </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e296"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">total strangers
call me at home</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> to tell
me to lose weight. Sure.
Those things got my blood pressure going but come on.
Those things wouldn't happen if I were thin. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
thought I would get some writing done when I got home
but I was in such a state of abject frustration.
</font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=4641"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Supervisor</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
will make her decision about whether or not to take
out the six or seven words that target fat kids. But
even if she does we're going to need to hawk this task
force. Because they just don't understand why we don't
want fat kids to lose weight. And, ya know, it isn't
about that. What we don't want is for kids to be publicly
weighted. We don't want a fat kid sitting in a room
where a teacher says you don't want to eat a Big Mac
or you'll end up looking like Tish. We don't want kids
to be so afraid to eat that they develop eating disorders
and DIE.. And we want the thin and average sized kids
to have people who care about their eating habits and
make sure they get exercise. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
we don't want fat hatred to be articulated in public
policy. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">We're
just crazy that way. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(615)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_615"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:13
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e315" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e315"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">23</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
been working on a blog for one of the list serves
I read. I first had it in </font><a href="http://www.smtd.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Blogger</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and things were so frustrating that we moved to MT with
help from </font><a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dru.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Dru, who I want to hug and kiss right now. But that's
not a new experience for me. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
please go look at the </font><a href="http://showmethedata.info/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">SHOW
ME THE DATA</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
blog. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">This
is a group of folks who really think about the health
issues associated with weight. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(616)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_616"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 10:11
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e316" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e316"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">24</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Renee
came over for dinner. I
made what I thought was
a lack luster meal, chicken
with corn in a light gravy,
roasted potatoes and mixed
green and cucumber salad.
It just didn't seem too
special. But she was so
happy. It's nice to have
someone love even the ordinary
food that you make. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">She's
wanted to listen to </font><a href="http://www.jonimitchell.com/Ladies70LyricsHome.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Joni</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and sing alone. So we ate
and sang with our mouths
full. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(617)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_617"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:20
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e317" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e317"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">25</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sonya
took me to </font><a href="http://www.ritzcarlton.com/hotels/san_francisco/dining/venues/lobby_lounge/default.asp"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
Ritz</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
for tea. Pretty fucking
fancy. And nice to sit and
talk with Sonia. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
was good to get away from
the screen and the tedium
of line editing. I have
a cramp in my right arm
from highlight, click, cut,
paste.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
still reading the </font><a href="http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/rmoore/firetran.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Guara
Devi book</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
When I was in India I felt
so judged by her. And I
wasn't wrong. She was with
Baba to learn to renounce
the material world. I was
there trying to understand
how to embrace it. It was
hard for her when all the
westerners came. She writes
that Baba was the ring master
in a circus. She admits
that she is Calvinist in
her approach to spirituality.
But now I'm reading and
I'm judging her. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Which
is just goofy.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
forgot how many special
things Baba did for me.
I've been so estranged from
the story of my self as
a devotee. I was so happy
being a guru girl. But then
... </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
dunno. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
don't feel regret. But I
do feel like I need to remember.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
a great </font><a href="http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2003/julaug/features/wann.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">article
about Marilyn</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Oh
dear. I guess I need to
get back to the highlight,
click, cut, paste action.
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(618)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_618"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:02
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e318" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e318"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">25</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
keep looking through old
pieces of writing to cannibalize
for THE BOOK. But they don't
all really fit. I found
this piece that I wrote
in my first creative writing
class in college. Which
was about six years ago.
</font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="642">
<tr>
<td width="636">
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">As I exit the bus and my
feet hit Valencia street I am struck with a sudden wellness of being. My
awareness is peaked. There is no apparent reason, which makes it all the more
delicious.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">Though I don�t seem to need
stimulation, I am going to drink coffee and so I head for Cafe Ethiopia for my
daily double latte. There is a park where men with shopping carts are gathered
and one of them jumps up and says �hello!� as I pass and I smile and say
�hello!� Suddenly one of them begins to sing , loudly, �You say good-bye and I
say hello, hello hello, I don�t know why you say good bye I say hello, hello,
hello...� I am walking away and I am laughing. He continues to yell and he
tells me �Beatles ,1967� and on and on but I am turning into the cafe so I
don�t hear it all.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">The fellow at the cafe is
involved with a production of some sort behind the counter. There is a young
woman waiting. She has</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"> </font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">a baby attached
to the front of her body by a sash like thing, as if her womb had flipped
outward and crawled up to her chest. <o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">I think I have time to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom I
notice graffiti that says dance hard, never bathe. I am flooded with images of
dance halls filled with writhing, gyrating, pulsing bodies. I remember the mix
of beer and cologne and vodka and cigarettes and sweat. It�s all so good.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">As it turns out the big
production was a bagel with salmon, lettuce, tomato, whatever and she asks him
to put on some dressing as well. I am often irritable when I am waiting but not
today. The guy makes my latte and thanks me for waiting. </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify;"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">�No problem.�<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">As I pass back through the
shopping cart jungle I notice my new boyfriend, faced into the fence, either
peeing or jacking off, given the redness in his face and the blur in his eyes,
it is really impossible to tell. I mean the redness and the blur were there
before and, really, it�s just impossible to tell. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">There is, what I think is a
woman, I mean it�s hard to say since she�s very tall and broad shouldered,
walking just ahead of me. She has on this impossibly tight, short skirt and
backless high heels and a sort of turban. She is saying,</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"> </font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">�Man, you shouldn�t have that much meat out
this early in the morning, you might freak this lady out.� I smile at her and
nod and check for possible gender identification marks, like an Adams apple.<o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">As I pass them all, she
comes up on my right and says, "Those boys make me laugh, puts a smile on my
face, makes it easier to go to work in the morning.�</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun:
yes"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"> </span></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align:justify;"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun:
yes"><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">I say, �Yeah.� <o:p></o:p></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;tab-stops:166.5pt'><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600">I am just ridiculously,
inexplicably, totally, happy to be alive.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(619)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_619"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 1:17
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e319" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e319"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">26</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
love </font><a href="http://merlin.blogs.com/bitterblog/2003/07/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">this</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
(via </font><a href="http://mena.typepad.com/dollarshort/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Mena</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">)
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Elayne</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
is doin the Blogathon. </font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="199">
<tr>
<td width="189">
<p><a href="http://www.blogathon.org/"><img src="jakebutton04.gif" width="192" height="200" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
thought about it. But I
just did the </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/FatOneFifty.htm"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">100</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and it was not as much fun
as I hoped it might be.
Of course I was doing it
in a flagrant attempt to
get people to pay attention
to me. Elayne is raising
money for </font><a href="http://www.globalfundforwomen.org/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a
cause</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
a new (wink) </font><a href="http://theriverblog.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Blogger</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in town.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
had a sudden emotional breakdown
in the middle of my work
on The Book. yesterday.
Full tilt existential ouch.
I think I might need to
call it done. I have one
more meeting with Stephen.
I'm supposed to get all
the writing to him by the
1st. I have a week to keep
working. But. I dunno. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Sigh.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">(added
at 11:06) It turns out that
</font><a href="http://cocokat.com./"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Laurie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and </font><a href="http://sweetnsour.org/traces"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Monica</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
are doing the Blogothon
too. But they're on a </font><a href="http://www.thedailypost.net/blogathon/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">team
blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
It took me half the morning
to figure out where they
were posting. And, actually,
they don't seem to have
posted yet. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(620)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_620"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:18
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e320" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e320"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">27</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
really have no interest
in reality TV. Or at least
I didn't until </font><a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_Restaurant/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Restaurant</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
Having worked in and open
more than my fair share
of restaurants (not my own
but other people's) I
knew it was gonna be good.
I missed it last Sunday
but I saw part of it last
night. It brought back memories.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
tried to stay up late with the </font><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">blog</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">a</font><a href="http://www.thedailypost.net/blogathon/index.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">thon</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ers.
But I flagged. They did good. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(621)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_621"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:45
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e321" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e321"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">28</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Restaurant/links.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
Restaurant</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
was on last night. I LOVE IT! But I wonder about people
who haven't worked in a restaurant. I wonder if it seems
real to them. Let me tell you. IT IS.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
have a split in my personality when it comes to restaurants.
I have all these Marxist, hippie, peace and love views
about life. But I've worked in restaurants all my life
and I have REALLY clear ideas about how it should be.
The host should make you feel welcome. The waiter should
make sure you have what you need. The bus person should
not stack dishes at your table. It's about service.
And service is a spiritual value for me. But customers
are notorious for wanting the impossible and waiters
are always dealing with putting on a smile for them.
It is crazy making to have to take seriously all the
petty demands of the kind of customer who must have
things their way. This is well played on the show. The
first night is a free food for friends occasion and
the "customers" are so impatient and mean.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ON
THE OTHER HAND. One of the reasons I think working in
restaurants is spiritual training is because you have
to do the impossible. You have to be nice to ass holes.
You have to make people feel welcome and cared for.
The waiters on the show are already bitching about everything,
especially the money they aren't making yet. (The place
has been open two nights.) Waiters can be so narcissistic.
But they also deal with so much.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
if you're a cook it's more intense. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
show, so far, is focused on waiter drama and Rocco and
people complaining. What I'd like to see more of is
the brute misery of life in a kitchen. </font><a href="http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Restaurant/menu.shtml"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
food</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in this place seems pretty average. There is a scene
in which Rocco is trying to expedite the food and he
looses it. So typical. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">He
seems like a nice enough guy. And he's very cute. But
he is just so typical. He's being a star while his staff
is hating life. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Because
after all the cameras go away this place has to be about
serving food. And the food has to be good. And the service
has to make you want to come back. The </font><a href="http://reviews.nymetro.com/pages/details/all_reviews.php?venue_id=9188"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">reviews</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
on the place aren't great. But maybe when things settle
down they'll find a stride. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Could
I do it better? I'd do some things better. But I can't
imagine trying to open a restaurant with a camera following
me everywhere. This guy is under so much pressure. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
business is grueling and heart breaking and it destroys
your body. And there is a part of me that always wants
to open a restaurant. Because all the things that make
it hard also make it fun and real and compelling. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
only other time I got hooked into a "reality"
TV thing was in the beginning of the </font><a href="http://www.mtv.com/onair/realworld/archive/epsd_summaries/rw1summaries.jhtml?Number=1"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Real
World.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
I thought it was kind of amazing. But it seemed to lose
some authenticity as time went on. People who audition
for the show now must know what their getting into.
I don't think the first crew did. Actually the first
time I got hooked by a show was when the </font><a href="http://www.current.org/prog/prog90-20l.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Loud
family</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
put their lives on PBS. That was the real real. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
seems like there should be a study about how people
change when the camera is on. Maybe a sociologist might
do the study. Do we know any? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">OH
yeah. </font><a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Dr.
Pattie Thomas</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
And it just happens to be her birthday. Happy birthday
</font><a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Pattie</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">!
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(622)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_622"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 9:08
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e322" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e322"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e311"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">29</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
spent an hour printing out
THE BOOK. I have to babysit
the printer. Things always
seem to go wrong. And I
had to refill the paper four times.
This book is FAT. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It put
me in a mood.I
was feeling fear and futility
and pride and loss and oh
just a heady mix of stuff.
I kinda wanted to drink.
And smoke. But I made </font><a href="http://ag.arizona.edu/azaqua/ata.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">tilapia</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
and green beans instead. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then Mom called. My </font><a href="http://www.legacy.com/CommonCobrand/PrintNotice.asp?Cobrand=washingtonpost&PersonID=1195785"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Aunt
Dolores</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
passed away. Anything I
try to write about her seems
off. She was just good.
She was a wife and a mother
and church member. Two of
her sons and her husband
are already gone. She'd
been told by her doctors
that her time was close
so it wasn't a surprise.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">My
feelings are ... well I
don't know. I loved her.
We weren't close. I admired
her. I am sad. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
there was something about
my Aunt Dolores. Any big
deal about her death would
seem wrong. She lived well.
She died peacefully. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
watched </font><a href="http://www.sonyclassics.com/secretballot/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Secret
Ballot</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
A film that every American
who doesn't get it together to vote should watch. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I've
looked at life from both sides now from up and
down and still somehow ... you know </font><a href="http://www.jonimitchell.com/Clouds69LyricsHome.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">the
rest.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(623)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_623"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:34
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e323" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e323"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e323"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">30</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.kuidaosumi.com/Updates/jenjournal.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Jenni</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
has some friends who are
doing the </font><a href="http://www.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=25307&lis=1"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Breast
Cancer Three Day</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
I'm hoping I'm employed
in time to sponsor one of them. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I
had an interesting moment
yesterday morning. I read Kurt's
comment to my post and
the e-mail for the </font><a href="http://www.balloonhat.com/photoweek/week_64.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">balloon
hat of the week</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in succession. The man in
the photo has Alzheimer's.
In the e-mail the balloon
hat fellow wrote a quote
from David Serls.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">"Seeing
death as the end of life
is like seeing the horizon
as the end of the ocean."</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
it was then that I cried.
I had been filling up with tears
but not really crying. And
something the generosity
of Kurt's comment and the
photo and the quote - all
in a row ... I dunno. I
just finally let go. And
it felt good. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It
felt good to let the flood of memories move through
me and let the sadness fill me and then remember that
it's all part of the process. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">And
then Gabe arrived. And I
was in the land of the eleven
year old boy. We went to
see the </font><a href="http://www.tombraidermovie.com/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Laura
Croft movie.</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
Which was OK. I mean, when
I see a movie with Gabe
my experience is colored
by his experience. And he
was diggin it, so I was
diggin it. And then
we </font><a href="http://www.chevys.com/new_flash_frame.html"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">ate lunch</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans"> and came back
to my apartment to wait
for his Mom to come and
take him to his guitar lesson. He turned me
on to a </font><a href="http://www.nick.com/games/wildlife_rescue/"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">game on Nick.com</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in which you rescue animals
and care for them until
they are better and then
you set them free. I played
for two hours. There was
something so comforting
about healing virtual animals
and setting them free. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
telling ya. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Both
sides now. </font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(624)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_624"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 7:27
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e324" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e324"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e323"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">30</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
loves illusions I recall. I really don't know ...</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(625)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_625"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:12
P<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e325" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e325"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">July</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">
</font><a id="e323"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600">31</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1" color="#006600"> 2003</font><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><font size="1"> </font></font><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">So
I </font><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#e314"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">was back</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">
in </font><a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=7266"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">City
Hall</font></a><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">.
The language of the resolution
is as good as it can get.
All the references to fat
kids are gone. But it was
obvious that they were just
trying to make us happy.
And they really want us to know that
fat kids are all gonna die
if they don't lose weight.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">It's
so hard to bear the self
righteous pedantry of people
who use kids to make the
case for their bias.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">Just
so I don't have to explain
myself ... again. I am aware
that many kids eat
too much crap and don't
get enough exercise. I am
aware that many Americans
eat too much crap and don't
get enough exercise. But
here's something else I'm
aware of. Many of those
kids, and adults, are thin
or average sized. And when
all the kids are eating
their veggies and dancing
in the streets some of them
will still be fat. I want
kids to eat good food. I
want everyone to eat good
food. And I want everyone
to move their butts. And
I want bodies to be all
shapes and sizes and ages
and colors and genders and
ethnicity. I want diversity
to be protected and I do
not want the size of my
ass to be the measure of
my worth.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">The
language was changed but
the goal is the same. Target
the fat kids. The supervisors
were clearly biased toward
the public health folks
who wanted to tell horror
stories about fat kids.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">There's
a commercial on right now
for a car, an SUV, in which
there is a television and
two kids are sitting in
the back seat watching a
cartoon and eating from
a bag of chips. This is
America. We drive and don't
walk. We eat crap in the
car. We watch screens so
we won't have to talk to
each other. And if we're
thin or average sized ...
it's all good.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">But
if we're fat ... oh well. We need to get out of the
SUV and the chips and the screens. And, really. I think
people should get out of the car and away from the chips
and the screens. But what I could not get the supervisors
to give a shit about was that not all fat people live
like that, many thin and average sized people do and
to insinuate other wise is discriminatory. The looks
on their faces seemed to say that they were indulging
the lunatic fringe. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font color="#006600" face="Lucida Sans">I'm
tired of begging.</font></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(626)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_626"><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" color="#006600"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> 8:27
A<font size="1">M</font></font></font></p>
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