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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>July
2002</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and learn to love the
questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are written in a
very foreign tongue. ~<a href="http://www2.jun.alaska.edu/edtech/cte/tarlow/resources/Rilkequote.html">Rainer Maria Rilke</a></span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July02.htm#1" title="permalink">July
1 2002</a> <font face="Arial"> 8:56</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I know I talked before I said <a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/">Rabbit
Rabbit</a> today. I was muttering to myself about random stuff.
Drat! I'm writing myself a tibbar tibbar note, right now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.dollarshort.org/">Dollars Short</a> did another <a href="http://dollarshort.org/color/">coloring contest.</a> TADA. My entry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I</span><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
love the coloring contest! I'm not really adept with Photo Shop.
But, I love playing. </span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'm
sad about <a href="http://www.rosemaryclooney.com/">Rosemary Clooney</a>. She
has always reminded me of my Mother. My Mom has a wonderful
voice, but never thought it was good enough. I talked to my
Mom about it last night. Mom said something about Rosemary's
weight. I said, " Mom, she died of lung cancer." "
Yes, but I'm sure being fat didn't help her any."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Uh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cynthia
came over for brunch and lots of chatting. Fun fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
was tired I decide to watch TV. I watched <a href="http://www.cbs.com/primetime/movies_specials/mov_mama_flora.shtml">Mama
Flora's Family</a>. And parts of a film about the holocaust.
I tried to avoid the commercials for all the new "reality"
shows. So, lets see...racism, anti-semitism and people
in compromising situations. Yeah. TV is so relaxing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
didn't sleep well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(216)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_216"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July02.htm#2" title="permalink">July
2 2002</a> <font face="Arial"> 9:23</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span><span style="font-size:10pt;">Kell did some <a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/2002_06_30_kbrigan_archive.html#78463001">straight
up writing </a>about <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA</a> and
the feeder thing. If you were curious about my oblique feeder reference
to the feeder thing the other day, she breaks it down. And I agree
with her conclusions. But I'm struggling with not wanting to see
NAAFA die. I've done a lot of thinking about this but I can't seem
to arrive at a conclusion. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">When
Paul writes up a post on Big Fat Blog he usually says something astute
and sardonic. He's pointing to <a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;$sessionid$0VUAYTAAAGKTZQFIQMFSFGGAVCBQ0IV0?xml=/news/2002/06/23/wfat23.xml&sSheet=/news/2002/06/23/ixworld.html&_requestid=339950">this
article</a> in this <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/000274.php">post</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.beyondbias.org/dt.html">Sondra</a>
is trying to put together a <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SW.htm">Southwest
campaign</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
even <a href="http://www.willa.com">Willa</a> <a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/blogger/archives/2002_07_01_archive.htm#%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%20%2078419693">blogged</a>
about the Southwest thing, <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/07/01/DD109914.DTL">sort
of</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
seems like the bad press Southwest has gotten over all this would
have an impact on their bank account, but it's summer, people are
traveling, it's cheap. I dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
had lunch with the lovely <a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/">Jennifer</a> yesterday.
Doncha think she needs to make a video?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
have to do things now. For an unemployed person, I seem to have
a lot to do!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(217)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_217"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#2" title="permalink">July
3 2002</a> <font face="Arial"> 9:40</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I did a lot of writing. And I kinda like most of it. Deep sigh
of relief.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
I worked on some web design stuff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I'm feeling kinda virtuous. All that could fade quickly today. Because
I need to do more work on the BSWP (for those of you who don't remember,
that's my Big Summer Writing Project ) and I need to do a pile of
laundry. Makes me tired just thinking about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
had thought I might not write about my little blog addiction. It
seems that the people who read me don't really follow the antics
of my blog buddies. (See long list of links to the right.) I always
feel a bit peripheral to the blog cluster/ Kinda like I arrived
late and tried to stick my self onto the side. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
there are things that blow my mind. <a href="http://www.kalilily.net/">Elaine's</a>
son is <a href="http://www.theonetruebix.com/">b!x</a>. They were
having <a href="http://www.theonetruebix.com/2002/07/01/1938.html">this</a>
family ...uh...conversation the other day. It was/is none of my
business. I have no opinion about the issue. But I was blown away
by the directness of the language and the fact that it was going
on ... in comments! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
feel the need to keep my eye on and thoughts with <a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/">Mike</a>
and <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/current.html">bobbi</a>. There
was a blogger spat that I wrote about a while back. I was watching
it unfold and get worked through in real time. Clicking and reloading
and fretting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Another
<a href="http://www.biggerhand.com/">Mike</a> hasn't been posting.
Which meant that I wasn't hearing about <a href="http://www.henrysdiary.com/">Henry</a>.
I checked every day. Today, when I saw the page, I was so
relieved.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
<a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>. I've been reading her
for a few years now. It's like having an old friend ...except...
we've never met. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
wonder if it's the distance that keeps me involved in these relationships.
Many of these folks don't read me. I do feel competitive and
jealous sometimes. I've had days where I thought about deleting
my blog roll and never going back. I feel like I'm not getting enough
attention.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
my heart aches when I read people putting their lives on a page.
Voicing their opinion, showing their art, loving their kids and
their cats. And, generally, they aren't famous. They don't
have to get approval from a publisher. They just do it the way they
want to do it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
when I go back to working on my BSWP I feel a little looser. It's
just about talking story. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(218)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_218"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals
to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to
which he is the constant victim. -
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html">Frederick
Douglass</a></span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July03.htm#3" title="permalink">July
4 2002</a> <font face="Arial"> 9:17</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
If you let your laundry pile up, to the point where you have five
big loads, then you have to spend the whole day going up and down
the three flights of stairs to the laundry room. Sigh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
I did it. I was still folding laundry at 11:00. And there's more
to do. And I worked on the BSWP but didn't finish it in time
to mail off to my advisor. So, my virtue is in tack, but maybe a
little tarnished. Oh well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
have issues with the notion of independence. Ya had to know I would.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remember when I saw the movie <a href="http://www.areadvd.de/index.shtml?http://www.areadvd.de/dvdreviews/independencedayc2.shtml">Independence
Day</a>. Big space ships. Start blowing stuff up all over the world.
America leads the charge. And it's the geeks and the losers who
win the battle. And that is the American notion of itself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Big
monarchy. Taxing group of folks who are trying to make something
new. Tea vandalism. Raggedy army of geeks and losers triumphs over
larger more organized army of the big monarchy. And the rockets
red glare...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
now we watch fire works.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But.
Those folks, who thought they were making something new, ignored
the fact that they were making it in the same manner that the big
monarchy did things. In other words, they ignored the rights of
the people who <a href="http://odur.let.rug.nl/~usa/D/1751-1775/indians/glen.htm">already
lived here</a>. They ignored the contradictions in declaring all
men created equal and <a href="http://odur.let.rug.nl/~usa/P/tj3/writings/slavery.htm">allowing
slavery</a>. They assumed their entitlement. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Now,
you could say that the acceptance of slavery was a compromise. And
in Democracy you will always have compromise. But, I think it's
that kind of reasoning that has gotten us into so much trouble.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Compromise
can not include the subjugation of other human beings. Ever.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
we won our independence from taxation and rule. I get teary when
the guy in the movie flies his jet into the big space ship and makes
all the other space ships crash. I love <a href="http://www.zmag.org/CrisesCurEvts/Timor/timor_index.htm">stories
of the people fighting against tyranny</a>. But with freedom comes
responsibility. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
who <a href="http://www.thestate.com/mld/thestate/news/nation/3568704.htm">are
we now</a>? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">We're
never really independent from each other. We live in semi permeable
boundaries. We effect one another. Sometimes <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html">we
fuck it up</a> and have to make amends. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
eat barbecue. Visit your family. Watch the sparkles in the sky.
<a href="http://www.thenation.com/doc/mhtml?i=archive&s=schaar_wtc_19910715">But
think about it all</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Pattie
and Carl <a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm">show</a>
today. On <a href="http://cfuv.uvic.ca/">CFUV</a>. Noon my time.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Darcy's
<a href="http://www.heartfelt.ws/index.php">store</a> was on TV
but ... I missed it. Drat!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(219)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_219"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
5 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:03</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span><span style="font-size:10pt;">OK. I admit defeat. My perma links are borked. I do not know
why. They never really worked the way I wanted them to anyway. I
may try again. But not today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cheryl
took me out for a <a href="http://www.mooses.com/">birthday lunch</a>.
(I know. My birthday seems to go and on. I'm a lucky grrrl.) An
amazing birthday lunch. Thank you Cheryl! Then we had to go the
<a href="http://www.citylights.com/">City Lights</a>. But I was
good. I only bought <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=dd20b052729aced0&s=showproduct&isbn=0670899828">one
book</a>. And we talked and talked and talked.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Marie
and Neal came over to watch the fireworks from my roof. It really
is a great place, because you can see the two sets at the same time.
One set is near Crissy Field and the other near the ferry buildings.
Pretty spectacular. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Rockets
red glare.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Well.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Gotta
do stuff now</span><span style="font-size:12pt;">.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(220)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_220"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
6 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:03</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
Whatthe fuck? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
woke up in this crinked position, dreaming about kissing Prince.
Sorry. The artist formally know as ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">My
shoulder was hurting. I put on some of the magic Chinese medicine
ointment that Lynn gave me for me knees and went back to bed. And
I feel a little better. But I'm </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">out
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">of
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">sorts.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I had a whole little thing I was going to write but now I'm too
cranky. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Ouch.</span><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(221)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_221"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" size="1">July
7 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10:03</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I did it again! I pushed myself into a hornked position while
I slept with my shoulder jammed into the pillows. I woke up a few
times and straightened out but then I'd do it again. I don't generally
move around much in my sleep, so this is ... odd. And I had more
Eros dreams. No George Clooney, but some guy (who I did not recognize)
who was doing barbecue and we started to flirt and talk. What ever.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
dreams feel great. Even kissing the-artist-formally-known-as felt
great. But I wake up in a knot. I think my hormones are having a
festival.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
stayed in a pissy mood most of yesterday. My stepfather sent me
<a href="http://www.upgradecenterinc.com/msmiopr.html">a new mouse</a>.
I had to take ALL the books out of the hutch above the desk and
move the desk out to plug it in. Which of course meant dusting.
Lots of dusting. And reorganizing of books. And swearing. And <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">listening</a>.
The new mouse is cool enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">My
thinking has been <a href="http://www.garvaghyroad.org">all</a>
<a href="http://www.irishabroad.com/news/breakingirish/olstory.asp?article=1780865">over</a>
<a href="http://www.observer.co.uk/international/story/0,6903,750845,00.html">the</a>
<a href="http://news.pacificnews.org/news/view_article.html?article_id=311">map</a>.
In part because I was thinking about a much linked bit from <a href="http://weblog.burningbird.net/archives/000330.php">Burning
Bird</a>. When I first began to read it I flinched at the notion
of learned helplessness. It's not that I don't think the idea has
some merit but I just tense up around the notion of tracking the
cause of helplessness to the helpless. In other words - tell it
to the <a href="http://jerusalem.indymedia.org/">folks in Jenin</a>.
But, it can be said that people who can elevate their situation
often can't see how. I just want to turn to the folks who are creating
the <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_02/07.08A.ash.innocence.htm">environment,</a>
the <a href="http://www.media-alliance.org/mediafile/21-3/clearchannel.html">mystification</a>,
the <a href="http://www.commondreams.org/news2002/0702-09.htm">oppression</a>,
and say knock it off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Which
is what I think Shelly is ultimately saying. Sooner or later people
get pissed off. And they stand up and say no more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
have long been an advocate for anger. <a href="http://www.ucpress.edu/books/pages/6267.html">Beth</a>
says anger is fluid. Yeah. She goes on to say that resentment is
hardened. (I am paraphrasing.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
saw something about commercials that pop up on subway walls now.
It's like a video thing. So we are bombarded with mystification.
We lose track of ourselves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
worse, are the environments in which people are <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_2093000/2093120.stm">under
constant surveillance, moving through check points to go grocery
shopping</a>. What agency do they have? How do we read their helplessness?
And how do we judge their expressions of anger? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Well,
lets turn around and track the power. And lets get pissed. And for
those of who aren't in the direct fray of what is possible in terms
of human misery, <a href="http://web.amnesty.org/web/web.nsf/pages/IOT_action">lets
speak out</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But,
listen. I spent yesterday being pissed off at dust. I'm blaming
hormones. There's a macro and micro thing going on here. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And,
in part, writing this little blah, blah, blah every day helps me
to locate myself. Which clearly, given my recent spate of night
tension, I need to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(222)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_222"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
8 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:48</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I went swimming. AriAsha and Leslie were there. It was great
to see them. Then Marilyn and I went out for great Mexican food.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Exercise
and good food put me into a zone, so I napped. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2001/promises/index.html">Promises</a>,
which I can't recommend highly enough. It was very moving and painful.
Hopeful and hopeless at the same time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Then
I watched a show on CNN about <a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/presents/">weight
loss success stories.</a> There were two. It was three quarters
about how these two people lost weight and kept it off. And then
one little bit of stuff about health at any size. Joanne Ikeda and
Lynn Macafee (I'm pretty sure I'm spelling that wrong.) were on
to talk about the fit and fat community. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
have much to say about this, but I need to run out the door. Stay
tuned for long winded rant about media mystification. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(223)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_223"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
9 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:32</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I went to hear <a href="http://curry.edschool.virginia.edu/curry/dept/edhs/hlthpe/exphys/gaesser.htm">Glenn
Gaesser</a> yesterday. His book, <i><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0936077425&music=&buyable=1">Big
Fat Lies</a>, </i>is coming out again. It's been out of print. He
<a href="http://www.thinkmuscle.com/articles/gaesser/obesity.htm">breaks
down the obesity = death bullshit and adds to the health at any
weight</a> platform. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's
a relief to hear someone untangle the fat mythology but Gaesser
did feel the need to say that he WAS NOT saying that fat was OK.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yeah.
Ya wouldn't want to start that kind of thinking. All those fat folks
might start feeling feisty and storming Southwest.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
he was great. I'd like to have copies of his book on me at all times.
Then when people say they just can't belive people can be fat and
healthy, I could just hand them the book. Of course they wouldn't
read it. People want to continue to hate fat and fat people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">One
of the stories he told was about a quack diet doctor who gave his
patients weed killer in an attempt to get them to lose weight. He
caused some serious health problems for some folks and there were
charges brought against him. He was acquitted because ... it's so
important to fight fat that it's understandable that he would try
anything. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Weed
killer.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">He
was acquitted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yep.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I'm angry. And sad. Again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
is good to have solid info. It was good to be with Marilyn and there
were other fat community members there. Marilyn, Sondra and I went
out for lunch. It was good to be with fat, awake women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But,
the resistance to these ideas is so virulent. And I'm tired.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remember my post cocaine days. I lost 100 pounds and didn't
notice it was happening. People kept saying, "Are you loseing
weight?" And I really didn't know. Or care. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Then
one day I pulled on a pair of jeans that hadn't fit in quite a while.
I went to a doctor who had weighed me in the early post coke days
and, in fact, I had lost a bunch of weight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">My
therory was that, during the coke daze, my body knew it couldn't
count on me for much. So, it held on. Stopped processing. After,
I began eating regularly, not dieting, eating regularly and my body
relaxed. I was also getting acupuncture and massage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
I was still fat. I remember walking down a street one day, in my
jeans that hadn't fit and now did, feeling pretty fine. And some
guys yelled "fat cow" at me from a car. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
it always confuses people when I say I was very fat during the time
when I did cocaine. But Gaesser explains why in his book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Gaesser
is a doctor and a scientist. He is not a fat activist. He deals
with data. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
deal with my heart.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(224)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_224"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
10 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:15</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
Remind me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Why
do I do this?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(225)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_225"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font><font face="Arial" size="1">July
11 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 8:46</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I met with my advisor on the BSWP. She's so cool. She likes
what I'm doing and has suggestions that put my brain into overdrive.
I came home and wrote for a few hours. Talked to Suzanne and then
wrote until 2:00 AM. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
feels great to be fired up about language. Clearly I needed some
fire. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I've
always talked. Talking was like sex for me and still is sometimes.
I like talking deep. I'm not past talking trash but it never feels
satisfying. Talking is confession, dissection, work. And deep
relief.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
have some great friends who give good talk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
when I get dark, talking leaves me. Words. No use. Nothing sounds
right. Nothing feels right. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">One
of the reasons I like writing here is because I just do what I want.
I ignore the rules. It makes it easier for me to go off, the way
I do when I talk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But...sometimes.
Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
I'm working on the BSWP. Sending <a href="http://www.kalilily.net/weblog/02/07/10/122841.html">Elaine</a>
positive thoughts for a quick recovery. Wishing <a href="http://www.durationpress.com/abend/webuild.htm">Jo
Ann</a> a Happy Birthday. And listening to <a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/Episode%20Ten.htm">Pattie
and Carl</a>. Climbing out of the pit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(226)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_226"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><SPAN style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial">This book was written in response to that creeping
enemy of self-expression: entropy. If you've ever set out to create something,
you know what I'm talking about, for sooner or later, no matter how well it's
going, the whole damn system breaks down." -<a href="http://www.prairieden.com/">Suzanne Falter-Barns</a></font></SPAN></p>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
12 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:16</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
My writing surge continued yesterday, but I was slower. I actually
wrote all day, but with lots of breaks to talk on the phone, do
the dishes, check e-mail, go down the street and buy green beans
and beef in black bean sauce. So, the BSWP is creeping along. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
my attitude is creeping along as well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
think I'm mourning. Maybe. Or something like mourning. I'm mourning
my sex life, not having a child, not having a rock n roll band.
Mourning the loss of all the things I thought might be true by now.
And aren't. I'm not sure.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
BSWP is a memoir, so I'm immersed in memory. I'd like to finish
it so I can stop thinking about the past. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
is useful to muse deeply about your past. There is a way in which
unpacking old boxes, full of things you thought were true, gives
you clarity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
it's exhausting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Coz
some of the sad stuff is always going to be sad. And some of the
anger is still easy to spark. And some times I have a sense of irreparable
damage. Which is, in some ways, true. I am damaged.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But,
I am also ... I'm not sure. I'm resistant to words like lucky and
privileged. I mean, I am lucky and privileged, in so many ways.
But it isn't like the one things offsets the other. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
all weaves together. The sad, mad, luck, joy, peace, war, stuff.
It all weaves together and I sit and study it for loose threads
and missed meaning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(227)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_227"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
13 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10:32</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span><span style="font-size:10pt;">Kell. Good gawd. Kell is writing up a storm. <a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/">A
STORM!!!</a> Such good stuff that I had to cut and paste. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">There's this gulf, between the thin world and the fat world. We're not visible,
as people, anywhere except in little spots of light, like Radiance or Fat?So!,
or Pinkwater's stuff. But the mainstream is the Shallow Hals and Friends, where
we don't even get to play the fat people any more. And, then, at the other end
of the extreme, which has gone so far, it's back at the bigot beginning, is the
endless stream of fat women as porn freaks. Even what for fat</font></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">women is just
normal everyday desire is filed under fetish, and when we try to just be human
women, we get ridiculed back into our place as deviant-by-definition. Spoiled
identity, and then some.<BR> (<a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/">there's
more</a>) </font></span>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">It's
such a relief to read lucid, pissed off women. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">I'm
still struggling with the <a href="http://www.naafa.org">NAAFA</a>
thing. I haven't been involved so I don't have any history. I've
always been wary. It has always been a social club with a limited
understanding of political will. And I think that's owing to fat
psychology. We just don't believe that we deserve dignity. Why should
we? Summarily ridiculed or ignored. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">So
NAAFA has a token amount of fat politics but it's couched in something.
Something I can't quite name. But Kell names it. And, still, I can't
get off the fence. I want NAAFA to get it to get fierce. Because
NAAFA has some power. They linked with David Horowitz to fight <a href="http://www.fightback.com/topical_energy.cfm">Southwest</a>.
The are called upon to do press. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">But...Kell,
who has experience with them, names some of the problem. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial"> </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">Meanwhile,
I'm still in a writing frenzy. Although, it has slowed way down.
Way down. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(228)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_228"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
14 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:28</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
Just when I was about to give up on the web...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Well,
I wouldn't really give up ... but in my cycling depressive state
I've been spending less time looking around. I readily admit that
I'm a whacky chick, but I feel like I'm not totally connected to
the blog cluster ( I read them ... do they read me? Does it matter?
) and I'm feeling too tense about <a href="http://www.nandotimes.com/nation/story/461287p-3690610c.html">things</a>
<a href="http://www.counterpunch.org/mercier0708.html">political</a>
to even start writing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And I'm
trying to use all my writer energy on the BSWP. Yeah.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But,
this morning, while I was reading around, I saw that <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/072002/photoday.html">Bobbi</a>
is doing this <a href="http://www.thegardencafe.com/archives/00000399.shtml">cool
day long project.</a> So cool! Now, I'm going to be on line all
day. Well .... except for when I'm swimming. Uh ... and writing.
Heh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yesterday,
I hit a wall. I planned to write. After I went to the grocery store
and bought real food. But I started playing with ... <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm">my
Sims</a>. I ordered pizza. The day went by. How old am I? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(229)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_229"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
15 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:46</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I've been thinking about sex. And pornography. And representation.
In part because of a discussion in the <a href="http://www.fatso.com/gabcafe/tmp.html">cafe</a>
about <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/">this site</a>. In which
<a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/">Kell</a> and <a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/">Pattie</a>,
two of my favorite thinkers, take slightly different positions.
And partly because of a show I half watched on <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/599517.asp?0dm=C27BV#BODY">MSNBC.</a>
And mostly because I keep hoping I will get to have sex. Just once
more. At least. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
am not anti pornography. But most pornography is just stupid. I
could say I prefer erotica, but that's not accurate. I'm often surprised
by what turns me on. And it's rarely the same. What turns me on
depends on stuff. My mood. How much I trust the source of what I'm
looking at, or reading, or listening to. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
there is an idea that women need to have romance and foreplay and
want graphics that reflect all that. That may be true for many woman
and it is often true for me. But in a certain mood ... I'm
just about getting to it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cat's
stuff is problematic. Her index divides her pictures into <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/pastphotos.htm">body
parts</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Which
brings me to the MSNBC thing. (I wish they would have detailed the
show on the site ... but no.) There was a woman who had breast cancer
and had two mastectomies. She has a tattoo all over her chest. It's
like a halter top and it's beautiful. MSNBC showed it. So, here's
this woman on television ... topless. And I was thinking ...why
is this OK? How can they show this, but they put the fuzzy thing
on women when they're naked and they have their breasts? Is it really
just the tits? Are they really separate? Is it only sexually explicit
if she has nipples?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cat
has herself categorized in separate parts. And she's <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/supplement_to_week_164.htm">playing
to men</a>. And she may be playing to feeders. But she is making
the images. She lives in a sexist world. She has internalized the
idea of body as product. She's bold enough to demand that her
body be <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/week208.htm">included
in the market place</a>. Is it offensive? Sometimes. And it's sad.
Sometimes. It makes me sad when women imagine their bodies to be
divisible by tits, ass, legs, whatever. But I also kinda like that
she makes the demand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'm
interested in being whole. Heart. Mind. Body. I'm interested in
a relationship that is whole. Heart. Mind. Body. I'm still thinking
that love is the arbiter of beauty. And I want someone to want me.
ALL of me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
then there's the issue of ... is it art? Having struggled in Photoshop
I often admire what Cat pulls off. And sometimes she does things
that are <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/week209.htm">kinda beautifu</a><a href="http://">l</a>.
And sometimes she is pornographic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">She
also does <a href="http://www.catay.com/fatkid/">this project.</a>
which is very moving. Not an equivocation. Just a thing I think
is cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I'm thinking about this stupid thing that we do. Dividing bodies
into parts.<a href="http://www.realm-of-shade.com/meretrix/magda/journal/2002/020528.shtml">
And then being afraid of those parts</a>. And I'm thinking of my
own sense of my own sexual ... marketability. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
I'd like it all to ... be different. Be whole. But until it is ...
I think we'll go through some awkward experimental phases. And Cat's
fat girl porn may be one of the stops along the way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
question is ... if Cat were thin would those pictures be erotic?
And why isn't the woman's chest, covered with beautiful tattoo art,
erotic? And why aren't all breasts erotic? All the breasts longing
to be cupped in the hand of the one who they want. The thrill of
the hand that communicates the longing to connect. To breach the
separateness. To connect the parts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Not
related to the whole sex and body parts thing but ... if you didn't
follow the link to <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/072002/photoday.html">Bobb</a>i
yesterday you really ought to check it out today. In fact the <a href="http://wannabeonmywebsite.com/project_1/">whole
project</a> is worth spending some time with. Life. Ordinary life.
Is pretty sexy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(230)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_230"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
16 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10:42</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I woke up having a dream that some friends and I were on some
kind of journey. And we were in a mountain town. We looked up and
saw some small tornados in the air and realized that there was a
bigger one coming. We weren't sure what to do and I said well, lets
sit against this wall. Which we did. And a really big tornado passed
by us. In the dream I thought it was a monster. I felt this electricity
in my spine. And then it was gone and we were all fine. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Wha??</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
used to have tornado dreams all the time but it's been a while.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
pornography discussion goes on. Pattie took it to <a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/">Fatty
Patties</a> and <a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/">Kell </a>did more on her blog.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
was thinking abut the etymology of the word. It's Greek, porne (whore)
and graphien (to write). But I remember reading some where that
the porne was not just a whore, the porne was the "worst"
whore. In other words, in patriarchy, where men have the money
and the power, all women are whores. Wives exchange their sexuality
for financial security. Maybe a guy has a mistress who is very beautiful
and he pays her a lot of money. And then there's the woman at the
edge of town who you can act out all your silliness on and pay what
ever you want. She's so poor she'll accept it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
think there's an intersection here with fat psychology.
If fat women accept the idea that they are not sexually desirable,
or only sexually desirable by guys with loopy agendas, they are
living at the edge of town.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
don't want to live at the edge of town and I don't want to live
in the big house. I want to live in mutuality with someone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Here's
a thing. Some of us are born on the edge of town. And I'm not going
to critique what happens on the edge of town. I want the whole planet
to make the shift. No one is served by acted out sexual silliness.
Not ultimately. Mutuality in commerce and sex and life might be
a more workable way to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
we move toward it. Maybe. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remember seeing a Victoria's Secret commercial on TV around Christmas.
There were women in bras and thongs with wings, all shiny
and flawless. And I started to cry. because none of us are shiny
and flawless. And many of the little boys watching that commercial
are going to want those shiny, flawless angels. And many of the
little girls watching that commercial will do crazy shit to themselves
in a futile attempt to grow wings. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Pornography
is everywhere. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And fat
women were born at the edge of town. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
ate a vegetable dinner, got a chiropractic adjustment (Thank you
Barbara!) and went to therapy. How's that for self care? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
then I dreamed about tornados.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(231)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_231"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
17 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10:14</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://wickedpersephone.org/wehavebrains/entries/000055.html">
Is feminism sisterhood?</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
amazing conversation in my comments yesterday
(continuing today) and thoughts on
pornography and representation are still
moving around in my brain. And this morning
I noticed this question on We Have Brains.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="100">
<tr>
<td width="94">
<p><a href="http://wickedpersephone.org/wehavebrains/"><img src="whblinkbutton.gif" width="100" height="35" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
am startled when people say they aren't
feminist. I always wonder if they think
women should vote. It really hasn't been
that long. 1920. It took <a href="http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/vfwhtml/vfwtl.html">100
years to there. </a>Judging by voter turn
out in this country maybe no one cares.
<a href="http://www.dol.gov/wb/wb_pubs/achart.htm">Equal
pay for equal work?</a> Sound good? What's
the resistance to feminism?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
then we find ourselves in a conversation
about whether or not an image is pornographic
and what I feel is the waves of emotion
coming from a variety of life experiences.
And feminism starts to sound like the disembodied
rhetoric of a privileged few. By which I
mean, if you've had to do some kind of sex
work to feed your kids, you don't want to
hear about internalized oppression. You
want to hear about how you're going to pay
the rent. It's a cart and a horse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
feminism, for me, has always been about
seeing the ways in which power is not balanced
between men and women and trying to get
things into a state that I describe
as mutuality. I don't think men are served
by the imbalance and I do think that they
need to do the work of letting go of
privilege. I think the rewards will be great.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
boys who long for the flawless, shiny angels
in thongs are suffering. They're in a trance.
They've forgotten how it feels to love someone
in a way that includes the full life of
a body. The full life of a body includes
changes. Tits and asses succumb to the pull
of gravity, but they are still beautiful.
Bellies are marked by childbirth. Eyes and
lips crinkle in the corners from the daily
expression of emotion. Variety is beautiful.
Do you really want to stay stuck in a twelve
year old wet dream for your whole life?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
the men will need to make those decisions.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
keep having an image of a little girl spinning
in new dress. She's saying "Look at
me, look at me, look at me." And
she should. She should want the attention.
She should feel happy about her beauty.
And if she climbs to the top of the monkeybars
she should be proud of her strength and
agility. And if she solves the math problem
that no one else could solve she should
be proud and she should be happy to have
the praise. Praise is good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
boys should have a full range of praise
experiences. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">We
should all look at each other with shiny
loving eyes. It's about all of us. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.theonetruebix.com/2002/07/14/1644.html">Bix
blogged</a> about the <a href="http://www.theadvertiser.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,4705045%255E401,00.html">power
of women</a>. If you never follow my links
follow that last one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(232)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_232"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">A
mutual plum is not a plum. I was too respectful
to take the pulp and do not like a stone.
Send
no union letters. The soul must go by Death
alone, so, it must by life, if it is a soul.
If
a committee - no matter... </span></font><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679449868&music=&buyable=0"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Emily
Dickenson </span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font> </p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font> </P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" size="1">July
18 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:14</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> I
was supposed to meet with my advisor for
the BSWP and so I printed it out. It's 118
pages so it has some bulk. When you look
at a thing like that on the screen, scrolling
back and forth, it doesn't seem like that
much. But then you click on print. There
is something very satisfying about the weight
of 118 pages. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Sadly,
my advisor is unwell and she forgot our
appointment. So I was sitting there, drinking
coffee and eating a bagel with cream cheese
for an hour. Kinda sad huh? She was very
apologetic. It didn't seem like it should
be a big deal, but I got a little manic.
Might a been coz I was hopped
up on caffeine and carbs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
was reading <a href="http://www.smallpieces.com/">Small
Pieces Loosely Joined</a>, the whole time,
which is a nice enough book. I think one
of the bloggers referred to reading it as
drinking the purple Koolade. But ... ya
know ... I'm already on the bus. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
key word in the title, for me, is loosely.
About a month ago I realized that my experience
of the blog cluster was the same experience
I had of the school yard. I'm kind of hanging
around in the corner hoping for attention.
Some <a href="http://www.kalilily.net/">very</a> <a href="http://justlikethat.blogspot.com/">nice</a> <a href="http://allied.blogspot.com/">girls</a> visit my corner once
in a while and I feel like maybe ... someday
... the others will like me too. Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
my friends read me. Many of whom don't
even blog or have a site. And I realized I was
wringing my hands and flipping my skirts
trying to get the attention of ... some
other kids. Meanwhile I know some of the
<a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/">coolest</a>, <a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/">smartest</a> <a href="http://www.deardiary.net./cgi-bin/viewer.cgi?diary=26140">kids</a> in the yard. (As
evidenced in my comments.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yesterday,
<a href="http://wickedpersephone.org/about/news/00000146.html">Kerykes</a> commented,
mentioned me on
her blog (we fat kids do gotta stick together)
and we exchanged a couple of e-mails. This
morning I got e-mail from Leigh, who read
Kerykes and then <a href="http://nodltd.com/home.shtml">linked
to me</a> on her site. <a href="http://olliezero.phpwebhosting.com/">Ollie</a>,
who hosts the <a href="http://olliezero.phpwebhosting.com/fat/">Fight
Fat Phobia</a> list added me. There are
many yards converging. Which is part of
what Mr. Weinberger is saying. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
yet. I wonder. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I still thrill when I see
my name on a blog roll!! Once <a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/">Mike</a> mentioned
me in his blog and I was high for ... well
I still get high thinking about it. Why?
Because Mike is cool!! AND ... he read me.
He got me. He talked back to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">118
pages. A mention by a blogger who I read
and admire. My name on a list at the side
of someone's page. Loosely bound. But it
means so much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">There
is <a href="http://www.aaronclinger.com/">a guy</a>
who did this amazing graphic thing.
It was a 3D man who moved when you
moved your mouse. Everyone was blogging
it. It was on <a href="http://www.daypop.com/top/">Day Pop</a>. I blogged it and
sent e-mails to people about it. Then one
day he took it down and left a note saying
that he was starting to care too much about
what other people were thinking.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Uh.
Yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Me.
I was freaking coz <a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/">YACCS</a> was on and
off all day yesterday and my comments
weren't there and there's been so much fun
stuff in my comments lately. And I check
for comments twenty times a day! Little
girl. Spinning. See me. See me. See me.
Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Maybe
it's me who's loosely bound. Maybe I need
to be more like <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679449868&music=&buyable=0">Emily</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.members.shaw.ca/cshock/firstpersonplural.htm">Pattie
and Carl show today.</a> <a href="http://cfuv.uvic.ca/">Tune
in.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(233)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_233"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
19 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:55</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Adrienne
and I had dinner at <a href="http://www.chowhound.com/california/boards/sanfrancisco/messages/8166.html">Da
Flora</a>. Adrienne is one of my friends
who gives good talk. And we did talk and
talk and talk. And I had some risotto
with bay shrimp and raddichio which ...
was ... oh ... so ... good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">We
were talking about the whole women/representation/beauty/esteem
thing. My theme of the month. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
remembered a time when I was thirteen or so.
And I was a hottie. No doubt. We went on
a tour of a glass blowing factory and we
were on a cat walk above where the men worked.
One of the men was staring at me. Relentlessly.
I got it that something about the
way I looked made me a target. He felt no
compunction about staring. Even when it
was obvious that I was uncomfortable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
used to think that maybe I was fat to keep
men from staring at me like that. I don't
think that any more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">A
few years ago I was picked up by a cab driver
who told me I could sit up front. He was
a fat guy with an Eastern European accent.
He was just looking me up and down and telling
me how he like girls like me. And did I
know about such and such a magazine? (Fat
porn) He liked the girls in that magazine.
He gave me his card and told me to call.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Oh
yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
wasn't scared. But it was so icky. And it
didn't have much to do with me. Any fat
body woulda been good for him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">This
image that I have of the spinning girl is
about
the great joy and power a person feels when
they believe they look good. And I believe
we all ought to feel that way ... often.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I've
been stared at by people who were making
jokes about weight. Again, there was a sense
that, in their minds, they had every right
to stare at me, unabashed. I've been started
at by children. I saw a little boy staring
at me yesterday. He may have been thinking
that I was fat but there was no judgement
in his stare. He was just taking it in.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's
not the staring, it's the intent. And then
it's the way I receive it. As a young girl
I felt too vulnerable when the guy in glass
factory stared. I felt responsible somehow.
In the cab, with the guy, I felt a
little slimed, but I shook it off quickly.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
just think there's a lot of shorting we
need to do. I think we marry things in our
head. Things that have nothing to do with
one another. Or maybe that's just me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
I also think that the culture enjoins certain
kinds of staring and the attitudes that
go with the staring. Which brings me all
the way back to <a href="http://www.catay.com/cat/week210.htm">Miss
Cat</a>. There is part of me that appreciates
her demand for equal access to the dubious
world of objectification. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">More
importantly, it's the thing I ask of people
all the time. When you look at a fat body
... really look. Ignore the first wave of
fat=ugly, fat=unhealthy, fat=whatever. Look
the way the child looked. Just for a minute.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(234)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_234"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
20 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 8:58</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Google! DayPop! This is my
</span></font><b><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">blogchalk</span></font></b><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">: English, United States,
San Francisco, North Beach, Tish, Female,
46-50!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Don't
ask. Coz I'm not sure. I'm just trying to
keep up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
admire web designers. I am not a web designer. Anyone
who is a designer knows that. Especially
if they look under the hood and see all
the junk code. Every once in a while I do
battle with my web editor trying to get
control of it all. I lose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I do not want to
be a web designer. I mean, I actually like
much of the parts of design. I like playing
with the colors and figuring out how to
add things. And I like learning new things.
But I have big limitations, as evidenced
by my permalink failure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Twice this week
something has gone wrong with my site. First
I added the blogsnob thing and ... I dunno
... I fucked something up. I had to redo
my entire page, slowly adding things until
it came out right. And yesterday I realized
that something was going wrong on the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/thestory.html">Before</a>
page and the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July02.htm">July</a> page. It was a problem
with the YACCS code. I still don't know
what the problem was but I did finally fix
it. It took hours of adding and subtracting
code until I got it to work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Ironically,
I have been doing some design for friends.
I'm OK as long as there are no fancy requests.
But I know things take me longer than they
would if I had more HTML literacy. I spent
the day fussing with web projects. <b>The day.</b>
By 8:00 I was OVER IT!!! I grabbed my book
and went to bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">This
<a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679449868&music=&buyable=0">book</a>
is a hunk of reading and too heavy to carry
on the bus. so, I keep reading other books
as well. Between the heft of the read and
getting caught up in the other books it
seems to be taking me all summer to read
about Emily. Not that that's a bad thing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.kalilily.net/weblog/02/07/19/172346.html">Elaine
is a Grandma</a>!!!! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(235)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_235"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </P>
21 2002<font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 8:48</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">
AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Usually,
if
I go to <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">wood
s lot</a> I spend hours doing the kind
of reading that make my eyebrows knit.
Not that that's a bad thing. But yesterday I followed
a link from there to <a href="http://www.liberalartsmafia.com/comments/advert13.html">this
great poster </a>and then something there
took me to <a href="http://senshineko.com/weblog/">this
blog</a>. And there were all these tests.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">These
tests. These tests are odd. But ... </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="232">
<tr>
<td width="226">
<p><a href="http://www.moonlotus.net/themesong/themesong.html"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><img src="cowboything.gif" width="230" height="140" border="0"></span></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Cowboy
Bebop theme song?! I had to do it. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
then ...</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="230">
<tr>
<td width="224">
<p><a href="http://members.aol.com/thecopromancer/egypt.htm"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><img src="thoth.jpg" width="230" height="160" border="0"></span></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Heh.
So ... what does that all mean? Just don't
nobody start callin me ibis head.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
managed to <a href="http://sugardew.digitalrice.com/misc/quizzies/flowerquiz.htm">resist</a>
<a href="http://www.selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=cartooncats">a</a>
<a href="http://www.lavenderdisaster.com/lj_quizzes/madonna/madonna.html">slew</a>
<a href="http://www.yayajon.com/watercircle/naturaldisasterquiz.html">of</a>
<a href="http://senshineko.com/weblog/">others</a>.
I just don't have the patience. There
was this <a href="http://senshineko.com/weblog/archive/v9/index.html#000042">cool
thing on the site</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><B><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The Two-Cow Definitions of
Government</span></font></B><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">...
</span></font></p>
<DIV class=blogbody align="justify"><UL>
<LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Anarchy</b>: You have two cows. Your neighbors kill you and take your cows.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Feudalism</b>: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Marxism</b>: You have two cows. You put them in a barn with everyone else's cows
and you get as much milk as you need.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Socialism:</b> You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your
neighbor.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Pure Communism</b>: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them
and you all share the milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Communism</b>: You have two cows. The Party takes both and shares the milk with
you and your neighbor.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Russian Communism</b>: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, and the
Party takes all the milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Dictatorship</b>: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Totalitarianism</b>: You have two cows. The government takes both and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Fascism</b>: You have two cows. You give the milk to the State and they sell it
back to you.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Capitalism</b>: You have two cows. The Corporation buys your cows, gives one to
the CEO, and promises you milk for the rest of your life just before going
bankrupt, leaving you with no cows or milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Enron Capitalism</b>: You have two cows. You sell stock options in three cows,
then execute a debt/equity swap so that you can get all four cows back, with a
tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
via a fully-owned subsidiary to a special purpose entity secretly owned by the
Corporation's top executives, who sell the rights to all seven cows' milk back
to the Corporation. The annual report approved by Arthur Andersen says the
Corporation owns eight cows with an option on one more.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Militarism</b>: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Pure Democracy</b>: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Representative Democracy</b>: You have two cows. Your neighbors elect someone to
tell you who gets the milk.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>British Democracy</b>: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go
mad. The government doesn't do anything.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>European Union Bureaucracy</b>: You have two cows. At first the bureaucracy
regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. After that it takes both, loses one, milks the other and pours
the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>American Democracy</b>: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote
for them. After the election the President is impeached for speculating in cow
futures. The press christens the affair 'Cowgate'.<BR>
</span></font><LI style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><b>Politically Correct Democracy</b>: You are associated with (the concept of
'ownership' being symbolic of a phallocentric and patriarchal past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender.</span></font></LI></UL></DIV>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">That
was funny. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
after the day of fussing with HTML and all
the BSWP writing I was sick of my computer.
I started cleaning stuff around the apartment.
I cooked two big beets in too small a pot.
Then I cleaned up beet splatter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">At
some point I started playing with the music
on my computer and making little CD's.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
then CD labels. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
... I just don't seem to be able to stay
away from the computer. At least I don't
take it with me when I swim. (Yet.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(236)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_236"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
22 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:01
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">A
good thing about seeing your advisor, on
your writing project, at 7:00 PM is that
when you get hopped up on carbs and caffeine
that late you can come home and write it
off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
even bought a pack of smokes on the way
home. I like to smoke after really great
meals or if I'm hanging out with a smoking
friend. But I also buy smokes when I'm in
a mood. In a certain mood I want to pour
a glass o bourbon and sink in to the knowledge
that love is a fable, life is a trial and
the whole mess being over sooner than later
might not be a bad thing. I spent years
in the smoking and drinking mood. But I wasn't in
that kind of mood. I'm working really hard
to stay out of that kind of mood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
this BSWP writing is a moody business. And I thought
a smoke might help me stay in it. I had
a ton of stuff spinning in my head from
the meeting with my advisor. At 7:00. Did
I mention that I had a meeting with my advisor
at 7:00? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
went swimming, had lunch with Marilyn, did
a conference call about some work I'm doing
and then went to meet my advisor. She sure
does get me thinking. She gets my project.
She said the writing makes connections for
her. She said, " I never thought of
it that way." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Which
is about the nicest thing anyone can say
to me about a thing that I write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
hear way too much talk about the reader
in conversations about writing. Infantalizing,
underestimating talk about the reader. I don't
really write toward a reader. I write in
an attempt to say something. I write in
an attempt to say something really well.
When some one
talks to me about how the writing makes
them feel, or what the writing made them
think about ... I get wound up. More stuff
starts popping in my head. And then I write
more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">There
certainly are craft issues to discuss. I
guess. All I know is that working with this
advisor has been great and I had my meeting
with her, had the second double cap of the
day and thought I was wound up enough to
come home and write it off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But.
I was too wound up. I watched Mike Myers
on the Actors Studio. I don't actually like
much of his humor. I mean I have laughed
at some stuff, but I usually feel a little
bored by it. But he is a really smart guy
and I was loving listening to him. Until.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://kbrigan.blogspot.com/2002_07_21_kbrigan_archive.html#79246014">Kell
watched it as well</a>. I always have the
same reaction to folks who I think are smart
and kind and who make fat jokes, or use
fat ( an attribute of physicality) as metaphor
for something creepy. Like <a href="http://www.kingsolver.com/">Barbara
Kingsolver</a> and the fat brother bit in
Small Wonder. And Mike and James Lipton.
I want to have a long talk with them. I
want to believe that I can talk to them
about fat in a way that might shift their
thinking. Lipton, who does seem like a,
sweet enough guy, was soooo quick to say
how gross some naked scene with Fat Bastard
was. Fat bastard, fat brother. Always about
over consumption. I understand the metaphor.
But it's so tired. And so hurtful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I didn't, in fact, write it off. But I will
be writing today. I'll be trying to say
things in a way that makes my experience clear.
And hoping.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"></p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(237)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_237"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" size="1">July
23 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:29
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I was half watching <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020403.jhtml">Michael
J Fox on Oprah</a> yesterday. Half watching
because I was getting ready to leave and
talking on the phone but I kinda wanted
to hear about how he was feeling. It is
funny how these television people get into
your heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">People
were all about how great he is for finding
a positive way to deal with his illness.
He talked about a time when he was spending
a lot of time in the bathtub feeling sorry
for himself. And then he had the turn around
moment and now he's got this great attitude.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So,
I think he's great. And I think having a
good positive attitude is great. But I think
the time he spent in the bathtub was great
too. And if he had not gotten out of the
bathtub ... then so what. He had/has a right
to some grief and the time to feel it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
just think we move too quickly to a celebration
of the positive. I really really really
feel like we need to celebrate the dark.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
mean I am working on having a positive attitude.
That's not exactly right. I am working on
being full involved in my life. I'm trying
not to sit in my chair, smoking and drinking
and feeling the pain of existence. I'm working
on holding my center and having some hope.
Vague concepts. The <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/israel/Story/0,2763,761908,00.html">things
to be depressed about</a> are less vague.
But I want to be able to do some work. So
I work on my attitude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
when the sadness, or the rage becomes overwhelming,
I lay down in it for a while. I let it have
its say. I listen and I watch. Then I get
up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">There
is a reason to get up. There are <a href="http://www.pacifica.org/programs/nigeria/">many people
getting up</a>. I want to stand with them.
So I work on my attitude.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://zeebah.blogspot.com/">Liz</a>
blogged <a href="http://www.mapscience.org/">this</a>
yesterday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020430.jhtml">I
probably should NOT watch Oprah today.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yeah.
I WORK on my attitude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(238)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_238"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Of course, many of the 400 or more advertisers named each year by the FTC are
small fish, and some of their violations may be trivial, but the reader must
remember that were it not for this policeman the manufacturers and their agent,
the press, would, for example, still be poisoning infants with opium drops they
called soothing syrups _ just as they still kill off annually via lung cancer
and other diseases scores of thousands of Americans who are lured and
brainwashed by cigarette advertising. -
<a href="http://www.brasscheck.com/seldes/infact1.html">George
Seldes in 1968</a></span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
24 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10:49
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I woke up late. Actually, I woke up really
early and then went back to bed. And it
isn't even that late. It's just later than
it usually is when I wake up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Is
it becoming obvious that I don't know what
to write about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://scriptingnews.userland.com/backissues/2002/07/16#journalismAndBlogging">I
am not a journalist.</a><a href="http://www.emptybottle.org/glass/003010.html#003010">
</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.emptybottle.org/glass/003010.html#003010">I
didn't invent anything.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I'm
just trying to think on the page. Sometimes,
when I make a particularly <strike>agregious
</strike> egregious spelling error,
I fix it and repost the page. Am I still
cool?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.news24.com/News24/South_Africa/EasternCape/0,1113,2-7-836_1217956,00.html">It's
cold in South Africa.</a> I don't know why
that surprises me. I just don't think of
South Africa as being cold. It struck me
yesterday that blogging wakes you up. Or
it can. Because I just didn't know that
it ever got cold in South Africa until I
read <a href="http://pagecount.blogspot.com/2002_07_01_pagecount_archive.html#85275506">Mike</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
guess I could wish for a news source that
educated me about the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Nah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Of
course I have heard about the latest missing
child, the stock market and the all the
political corruption that's fit to print.
But I don't hear much about <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,3604,762056,00.html">the
wars</a> and the <a href="http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml;jsessionid=CG1GKP4ERR24OCRBAEZSFEY?type=worldnews&StoryID=1245142">rumors
of wars</a>. Well, I do because of the mighty,
mighty <a href="http://kpfa.org/1pro_bio/1b_democ.htm">Amy
Goodman.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
saw this great documentary about <a href="http://www.brasscheck.com/seldes/">George
Seldes.</a> He's a journalist.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">OK.
I'm just adrift. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(239)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_239"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" size="1">July
25 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:42
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I was in a class with a teacher who wrote
a book about Ronald Reagan. it was a psychoanalytical
book, out of print now, I haven't read it.
But I remember thinking that the whole time
Reagan was in office I ignored the political
world. It was just too hard to look at him.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Well...
guess what? The tension I feel when I see
Bush on the TV is ... beyond my ability
to articulate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000604.html">Jonathon
Delacour</a> blogged <a href="http://www.granta.com/back-issues/77">this
issue of Granta</a>, in which the editor
writes about the tension I feel in post
9/11 America.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">For those Americans opposed to the administration's arrogant unilateralism
and simplistic worldview, this failure to learn from a national tragedy is
immensely disappointing, and the manipulation of that tragedy feels like a
cynical defilement. </span></font></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
Cynical defilement indeed. It's a horror. </span></font></P>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://weblog.delacour.net/archives/000605.html">Delacour
goes on</a> to talk about the <a href="http://www.aec.gov.au/_content/How/backgrounders/08/index.htm">compulsory
vote in Australia</a>. Yeah. Voting.
Voting is good. Of course ... if they don't
count the ballots ... uh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
one thing I did get it together to do during
the Reagan time was vote but I know there's
low voter turn out in America. I also know
that the guy in the White House was not
elected, does not have a mandate and even
my mother, who voted for him, is not happy
with him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
it's a bit frustrating. It makes me tense.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
haven't been remembering to watch <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/donahue_front.asp">Donahue</a>.
But last night I turned it on and <a href="http://www.creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=miv">Molly
Ivins</a> and <a href="http://www.nader.org/">Ralph
Nader</a> were on and they were in Houston
talking to former Enron employees. I missed
too much of it but what I saw was just great.
Molly and Ralph encouraging public participation
to many nodding heads and loud applause.
Hard to believe that the President-select's
approval rating is high in Houston. Poles,
like elections, aren't always counted correctly.
How do you radicalize a group of people?
Fuck with their lively hood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Molly
Ivins and Ralph Nader. On national television.
What's next? <a href="http://www.zmag.org/chomsky/index.cfm">Noam
Chomsky</a> and <a href="http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Zinn/Zinn_Reader.html">Howard
Zinn</a>? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://members.shaw.ca/cshock/Episode%20Twelve.htm">Pattie
& Carl show today</a>. Count down till
Sunday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Meanwhile,
I'm just working on the BSWP and eatin watermelon.
Cryin and typin and spittin out seeds.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(240)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_240"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
26 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9:09
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I dreamed they had put an elevator in my
building and I was in it, making out with
a guy. Heh. What would Freud say?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Deb
took me to see <a href="http://www.theatreonthesquare.com/def/welcome.html">Def
Poetry Jam</a> for my birthday. (Thank
you Deb.) It was VERY fun and cool. The<a href="http://www.theatreonthesquare.com/def/bios.html">
poets</a> were jammin. We met up with John
and Michael, had dinner with them and went
to the show. There is a <a href="http://www.defpoetryjam.com/home.htm">web
site</a> but you have to spend money to
read much of it. Odd. There is a hyper-produced
feel to the show, but the poetry is very
political and tuff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
looked around for <a href="http://www.nuyorican.org/NewPoetry2001/mayda.html">some</a>
<a href="http://www.wordgroove.com/slamamerica/Poetrimoney.html">of</a>
<a href="http://www.cafearabica.com/culture/cultureold/articles/culsuh10x1.html">the</a>
poets. <a href="http://www.beausia.com/">Beau
Sia</a> has a great page. <a href="http://www.staceyannchin.com/">Staceyann
Chin</a> does as well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">There
was a lot of the N word. I don't really
feel like I have a right to say much about
people of color using the word. I understand
the reasons people use it. And it's odd
for me to have a word that I just can't
bring myself to utter and wish would go
away. But. I do not like the word. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">While
I was looking for one of the poets whose
name is Lemon, I found <a href="http://hydra-island.com/properties-for-sale/PoetsView2/PoetsView2.html">this</a>.
Please. Somebody. Buy me that. Please. Please.
Please. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Speaking
of chalk....<a href="http://www.willa.com">Willa</a>,
who has a lovely new site design,
blogged <a href="http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/thoughts/chalking.shtml">this</a>.
Very cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(241)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_241"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
27 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 8:10
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
I've been <a href="http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=otiose">otious</a> all
week. Slept late. Played with my <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm">dolls</a>.
A lot. Did a little something (mop the kitchen
floor, straighten the back room) every day
but mostly stayed checked out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Memoir
writing is such a narcissistic activity
and I get sick of myself. I get sick of
my endless inquiry into why the fuck I'm
so depressed. I get sick of being depressed.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
I check out.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So.
Today I'm going to try and ... check back
in. I'll let you know how it goes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(242)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_242"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
28 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 10 :49
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
The answer to the question...did Tish check
back in...NOPE. However...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Nananananananana</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><a href="http://www.culturalconstructioncompany.com">You</a>
say it's your birthday</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Nananananananana</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Happy
Birthday to <a href="http://www.culturalconstructioncompany.com">you</a>!
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Happy
Birthday Pattie!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(243)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_243"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial" size="1">July
29 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9 :22
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
Yesterday morning on <a href="http://www.kalw.org/">KALW</a>
they were playing a <a href="http://www.wpr.org/book/010701b.htm">To
The Best of Our Knowledge show on depression</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Timely.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">They
began with Andrew Solomon talking about
his book <a href="http://www.noondaydemon.net/">The
Noonday Demon</a>. He talked about his <a href="http://www.noondaydemon.net/newyorker.html">increased
detachment</a>. He said something
that stayed with me. He knew he was in trouble
when putting on his socks became overwhelming.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Yep.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
he does get on meds and writes a book and
well...maybe I should read the book. But,
I thought to myself ... oh, I should get
on meds, or at least take <a href="http://www.healthandage.com/html/res/com/ConsHerbs/GotuKolach.html">Gotu
Kola</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The
next section of the show talked about money
and happiness. Some study that looked at
people who got large sums of money making
them happier. What they seemed to conclude
was that folks with money had agency and
that agency made them happier. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Uh.
Yeah. I get the agency part. I think you
can have agency with out money. But it is
a worry when you don't have a cash flow
in a state with increased unemployment.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
they talked to <a href="http://www.people.virginia.edu/~jdh6n/">Jonathan
Haidt</a> about something he studied
and dubbed elevation. he talked about folks
being moved by stories of great humanity.
Like Mandela coming out of prison and talking
about forgiveness or Mother Teresa, folks
who seem to grow beyond the limits of their
humanity. Haidt thinks that we are elevated
by the actions of these people.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
listened to all this and then I went swimming
with Deb and Ari Asha was there and we three
went out to lunch. During lunch we talked
about the problems of maintaining some kind
of fat positive consciousness. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">See
I always feel like there are layers to my
depression. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">There's
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/gunning/">ohmygawdwereheadedformorewar</a>,
the<a href="http://www.counterpunch.org/skog0726.html">
peopleleadingthecountryarecrazy</a> as a
layer. There's <a href="http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml;jsessionid=KPLN0VC0K015ECRBAEZSFFAKEEATIIWD?type=topnews&StoryID=1195091">nooneunderstandsmybody</a>
and <a href="http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=594&ncid=751&e=10&u=/nm/20020711/hl_nm/woman_weight_dc_1">peoplearedying</a>.
A layer. My immersion in my personal story
while I write the memoir and the great sadness
and rage that surfaces when I write. My
aging parents and their health concerns.
Menopause. Layers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
think meds are useful, although given my
resistance to doctors (not to mention my
lack of insurance and cash) I'm more likely
to do herbs. But I've used the search for
elevation as a way out of the dark. And
I've done a lot of that on blogs lately.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Mike
blogged <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2156588.stm">this
article on Zachie Akmat</a>. I got that
teary, inspired, heart wrenched open feeling
as I read it. I got the same feeling when
I read about <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/07/28/mine.conditions/index.html">the
miners</a>. Elevation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
become frustrated trying to parse the fat
stuff. I read people who think they are
body positive but don't get that all fat
bodies are not the same. And that many fat
people do not spend the day eating donuts
and watching TV. I am never saying that
food and movement have nothing to do with
the way one's body looks or feels. I am
simply saying that a number of very fat
people eat good healthy food and do exercise.
Are healthy. Healthier than thin folks who
do neither. And yet still deal with the
perception of themselves (both externally
and internally) as gluttons and slobs. Struggle
to establish some sense of self that stands
firm while being battered with stupid jokes
and well meaning but uninformed people who
question health solely in terms of
the fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">So
I feel like I gotta a right to sing the
blues.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">But
I just spent a few days checked out. Too
tired to talk, or write, or read, or look
for elevation, or cry, or care. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
now it's Monday. I will begin again. I am
healed from the blue water of the pool and
the perfect mango in lime juice at lunch
and the vivid, alive, conversation with
smart, awake women. I have some <a href="http://www.puritan.com/scriptsp/htmlos.exe/28170.3.6228251594500010539?">Black
Cohash</a>. I'm going to therapy tonight.
I will begin again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(244)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_244"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
30 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 8 :02
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
<a href="http://www.chezpanisse.com/alice.html">Alice
Waters</a> is on<a href="http://www.kpfa.org">
KPFA </a>right now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Any
way Alice is on KPFA talking about food.
<a href="http://www.chezpanisse.com/commit.html">Chez
Panisse</a> is one of the coolest restaurants
ever. I love the way Alice thinks and talks
about food. I've always been afraid to meet
her because I don't want to not like her
in ANY way. She's one of those people who
I just want to admire. You hear so much
about kids and obesity and bad fast food.
Alice has a plan. <a href="http://www.edibleschoolyard.org/">Teach
them about food at school</a>. I've known
about the program for a while. It's just
so great. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It
seems odd. There was a time when, there
are places now where folks raise their own
food. But now we have to deal with how far
away from that process we are. Now it becomes
curriculum. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">If
you go to the KPFA site you see this
photo. It's a photo of a series of banners
currently hanging on the front of <a href="http://www.citylights.com/">City
Lights.</a> The banners are big and very
cool.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<div align="left">
<table style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0">
<tr>
<td width="300">
<p><span style="font-size:10pt;"><img src="dissent.jpg" width="405" height="97" border="0"></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Group
was good last night. I did feel better when
I left. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(245)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_245"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">He is three</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
One's in the middle unmoved
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Waiting
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">To show what he sees
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">To the other two
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">To the one attacking--so afraid
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And the one that keeps trying to love and trust
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And getting himself betrayed
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">In the plan--oh
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The divine plan
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">God must be a boogie man!
-- <a href="http://www.jonimitchell.com/Mingus79LyricsHome.html">Joni
</a></span></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial" size="1">July
31 2002</font><font face="Arial"><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial"> 9 :56
</font><font face="Arial" size="1"><font face="Arial">AM</font></font></font></font></p>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">
<a href="http://www.duke.edu/~rdk1/history.htm">Mingus</a>
died in Mexico City when he was 56. He was
cremated the next day. 56 sperm whales beached
themselves on the Mexico coast line that
day. They were removed by fire. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Do
I think the whales beached themselves because
of Charlie? No. Yes. It's just one of those
things that makes me feel like the universe
is always talking to us in a complex language.
And it makes me wonder about the<a href="http://www.nandotimes.com/healthscience/story/482900p-3856776c.html">
whales in Massachusetts</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Since the strandings began Monday on Cape Cod, 56 whales have died or been
euthanized. <BR></span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
heard <a href="http://www.noradiation.org/caldicott/">Helen
Caldicott</a> interview <a href="http://ottermedia.com/LunaJulia.html">Julia
Butterfly Hill</a> the other day. Two righteous
babes. I was thinking about the interview
yesterday while I was defrosting my refrigerator
and worrying because I was using some paper
towels. I keep a cloth towel and use it
often but some times ... I just want to
use paper towels. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
carry my own coffee cup, most of the time.
I recycle. But, it does always seem that
I could do a bit better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I
did laundry, cleaned the bathtub, cooked
Dover sole and ate it with yellow <a href="http://www.theberrypatch.net/produce.html">heirloom
tomatoes</a> and penne. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">I've
been writing a summery for the BSWP. It
seems like writing memoir might feel like
deep sea diving. The deeper you dive into
memory the more stuff you see. If you surface
too fast you get the bends. So, you (I)
get into this deep murky place and you need
to linger there. And it doesn't totally
suck but it is dark.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">And
whales. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/asiapcf/auspac/07/31/australia.whales/index.html">What
are the whales saying</a>?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's
already Rabbit Rabbit time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"> </span></font></p>
<div align="left">
<table style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="90">
<tr>
<td width="84">
<p><a href="http://harrumph.com/rabbit/"><img src="rabbit.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(246)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_246"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
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