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<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 2
</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">I'm a grad student. What a trip. I feel
so lucky. It was an interesting weekend. I was in such a good mood that
I loved everybody. There were people who I knew would bug me if I was around
them for very long but we're at the beginning and I loved them. It's such
a curious thing. There we all are spending all that money to read and write.
It's crazy, and dedicated and brave and above all very lucky. The thing
that gets me about people is the way they tell their story. It gets me when
I'm watching the board of supes or Oprah. And some of these people (like
me) want to be published! Which is audacious in that it imagines anyone
might want to hear what you have to say and brave in that you take such
a risk to say it publicly. So it's a whacky kind of folk that gathers up
in those conditions.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 3</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">My friend <a href="http://c21cc.com" target="_blank">Jane
</a>is here. Actually when you follow this link you get to a Century 21
shell page and you have to click on agents and then Jane Keeler. And there
she is! She was doing a real estate seminar. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">This is a <a href="http://archives1.newsbank.com/ar-search/we/Archives?p_action=search&p_theme=NWEC&p_product=NWEC&p_perpage=20&s_search_type=keyword&p_text_base=andujar&p_sort=_rank_%3AD&xcal_ranksort=4&xcal_useweights=yes&p_field_date-0=YMD_date&p_params_date-0=date%3AB%2CE&p_text_date-0=-1qzY&p_field_YMD_date-0=YMD_date&p_field_YMD_date-0=YMD_date&p_params_YMD_date-0=date%3AB%2CE&%5B+Search+%5D.x=54&%5B+Search+%5D.y=14" target="_blank">link</a>
to a cool article from an old Newsweek but you need to get a archive password
to get to the whole article. It's a fat woman talking about her own size
acceptance.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 4</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">I saw a t-shirt in a catalog that read
Fat by Nature -Proud by Choice. I woke up thinking about it. It's so hard
for people to get past the wall of misinformation that the AMA continues
to pump out. Yesterday I read about some research in which they tracked
the leveling off of insulin in people who did moderate exercise (twenty
minutes of walking) a day, five days a week. None of the people in the study
lost weight but their insulin levels got more even. But diabetes and fatness
are still linked. Fat, in and of it self, has nothing to do with diabetes.
And the exercise study demonstrates that much. Don't worry about my health.
Worry about a culture that wants me to live in shame.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 5</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I haven't been watching that much TV lately
and I sometimes wonder if my brain assembles things into a television show
and gives it to me as a dream. Like today I woke up dreaming that I was
with people who were recovering addicts and were having a hard time finding
housing and I was screaming "I want a church!" And what I meant
by that was that we needed a community center that people could use to get
on their feet. But there was this feel like ... I was a character in a movie.
</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 6</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> School is cool. I volunteered to be one
of the first two people to let everyone read a section of my autobiography.
I had given everyone my copies last weekend and last night I got feedback.
It was amazing. There were things that people really liked and that was
gratifying but the things that people didn't like was more interesting.
Because some folks liked some things better than other folks and it was
interesting to notice who liked what. It gave me lots to think about and
a desire to write. That has to be good.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 9</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Years ago I broke the bottom of
a butter dish. It matches some dishes that I have and I was able to replace
it. I saved the top. Every time I'd be cleaning and I'd see that thing
I'd think I should throw it out but I wouldn't. Yesterday I broke the top
of the butter dish! It's amazing what can make you happy. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 10</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> <a href="David.html" target="_blank">David</a>
Meltzer has a new book out in which I am acknowledged. I didn't know about
the acknowledgement until I read the book. I am blown away by it. Even if
you're sick of the whole Beat Thing this book is cool. It's a group of interviews
and so it's kind of like eaves dropping at Cafe Puccini. I've been
reading other on line journals. I wonder if I need to babble more. I love
reading other people's detailed accounts of going to the grocery store but
I just can't figure out how to write about it myself. Yesterday our SF board
of Supes overturned a veto that the Mayor had done. The issue is the limiting
of TIC's and the debate is framed as being between tenants and homeowners.
In my mind it's more about setting limits in terms of land use. Supervisor
Hall, who I actually have grown to like despite his conservatism, commented
on the abundance of rent control legislation in NYC and SF and the lack
of affordable housing. Well, yeah, and one is an island and the other is
a peninsula. There is only so much space. So, we need civic leadership to control
what is done with that space. The supes also voted to make C<a href="http://www.citylights.com/" target="_blank">ity Lights</a> a
landmark. There was a list of great poets read off, none of which were women.
sigh In David's book Diane Di Prima is the first interview. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 13</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> The place I walk to in the morning
is an overlook from which I can see the bay. It's always different. Some
mornings it's shiny and clear or if there is fog it's always concealing
and revealing different things. Today there was so much fog that I couldn't
see a thing. It suits my mood. I'm just teary and dreary. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 17</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Every once in a while my mother
will tell me another piece of my childhood mythology. There are themes,
some of which I bought and some of which I rebelled against. recently she
has mentioned that when I was young people commented on what a beautiful
little girl I was and that they couldn't imagine that my father wouldn't
want to be with me. If he could see me, surely he would want to be with
me. And being seen, or perceived has always been a big deal for me. But
nothing that I ever was or am would have changed the fact that my father
made all his decisions based on what he wanted. None of his decisions had
anything to do with anyone else. he was married six times. He just never
made any emotional connections. yet, I do believe he loves me. It's a paradox
and it does have play in how I am in the world. But deconstructing my own
mythology is the big project. And I actually believe that being seen is
rare and precious and that's a good thing. Conversely, I often believe that
it's impossible. And that's when I get cranky. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 18</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Jo Ann told me about something
Julia Kristeva said when asked what are the important things to do
with a life. She said, to think, to heal and to write. Uh huh. I'm
anxious for my own copy of the article in which she is quoted. She also
talks about the need that we have to tell our story. In my better moods
I love reading any kind of individual story. When I'm cranky I can't even
hear my own. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 21</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I saw two documentaries last night.
One on <a href="http://www.geocities.com/~wolf-eyes/v_main.html" target="_blank">Vic
Chesnutt</a> and the other on <a href="http://www.leonardcohen.com/" target="_blank">Leonard
Cohen</a>. The first opened with Vic drawing on the wall while he is the
tub and the other ends with Leonard writing on the wall while he is in the
tub. I thought it was a wonderful thing that someone made that connection
and showed the two things together. But it is an amazing thing. Movies of
men, poets, in their bathtubs. Whitman would have done it. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 23</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I always kept these journals.
I bought black, leather bound, drawing books and wrote in them. I filled
the back with photos and cards and ticket stubs. So, today I wrote in the
one I have now. I started this one in 1990. There are huge gaps of time
when I didn't write. I started keeping a journal in my computer so I have
print outs of those attempts. it's crazy. I kinda want them all in one place
but that seems impossible. And I feel like writing will bring out different
things than the web journal does. So, I wrote a paragraph and now I'm doing
this. It's kooky.But it is interesting to read old entries. <a href="http://www.willa.com" target="_blank">Willa</a>
has old photos on her page today. I've been putting old photos into my autobiography.
We keep track of ourselves. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 24</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Last week some activists jumped
the railing at the Board of Supervisors to protest the budget. This week
they promised to be back. When I turned on the supes meeting yesterday I
was shocked to see a flank of security guards. As the meeting went on it
became obvious that people were there to protest the budget and call the
supes to task for not being radical enough. They interrupted public comment
on another issue and things got really crazy. Ammiano let them speak but
was clearly pissed. I've been highly critical of the police in Genoa and
the increasing police presence at demonstrations. But I was annoyed by these
protesters. I agree that the supes need to push harder but I think they
are more progressive and do get some things done. And I just felt like the
protesters were rude. But I had to really think about those judgements.
What is clear is that people are tired of being ignored. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 27</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I went to city hall yesterday.
The civil rights commission was trying to come up with enforcement standards
around the height/weight legislation. Sadly, I had to leave right as it
all got started. But it was an interesting experience. I'm always amazed
to see how people use public institutions for their own concerns. Of course,
in a democracy that should be a standard practice but I have never trusted
institutions. Just being there, in all that white marble, was interesting.
I felt this at the hall of Justice. The mystification that big halls engender
is pretty extreme. And in these halls are all these different kinds of folks
trying to advocate for their individual concerns. It can be pretty moving.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 28</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I've had a lot of dreams about
babies lately. Maybe it's coz of my decreasing supply of aging eggs. Maybe
it's not that literal. And I have never been any good at writing down my
dreams. Sometimes if I have a particularly vivid one and I keep thinking
about it I can write it down. This morning I lay there for a while and thought
about the various images that I could remember. There was a baby and he
was having trouble breathing, maybe because he had fallen and hit his neck,
and I was trying to see what was wrong, and space people were coming to
get him and they were mad because he was broken. Sheesh!</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 30</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> It's raining today, the kind of
rain that is so faint that it takes you a minute to tell if it is rain.
So I didn't go for my walk. I have a lot to do today. Typically, I have
neglected one piece of paper work and am not officially registered at school.
I have to go there and handle that. I have laundry. It's funny, I guess
it's not that much but it feels like a lot. Rich is coming to fix my bathroom
ceiling. I'm bailing out of the apartment while that happens. Oh, yeah,
and I need to write. Interesting how that slips my mind. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">July 31</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> The last day of the month. Where
do they go? </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">I keep asking people to sign the dream book
and getting letters about how people don't feel like they know what to write.
It does give one pause when you realize that other people might read something
that you wrote. I'm getting more cavalier since there are only
a few people that ever read what I write here. But here is a poem I wrote
after listening to people read Jack Kerouak in Washington Square Park.
</font></p>
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<td width="487"><p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And suddenly Allen was across the street.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And I wanted to shout</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">hey</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">do you know what you meant to me?</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">Do you know that I loved Jack because you loved Jack </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and I loved you because Jack loved you</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and I loved Neil because </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">everyone loved Neil.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And that time in Boston </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">when I didn�t have the money for the book of pictures </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">of all the beat boys</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">I was so sad.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And I made life decisions</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">life decisions </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">because I wanted to be in your world.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">I wanted to drink and smoke and talk all night.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">I wanted to tell the truth and the truth and the truth.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">I wanted to give someone a hand job in the back of a
Greyhound</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">under a denim jacket</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and I wanted to read about it later in some rambling account
of </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">what I was </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">what I wasn�t.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And I wanted all that because I read from some little</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">ragged</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">black and white book for hours</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">wondering wandering. </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">But I didn�t shout anything. </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And today I walked up the hill and sat in the park</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and listened to people read Jack.<span style="mso-spacerun:
yes"> </span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And bought coffee at a place where they know my name</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and I thought I�m here now in your world.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">And I�m mad now because the women are still just stories</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">of what they are </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and what they aren�t</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">and I�m here hoping to see the current </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">object</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">of my eros</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">but he�s not here and I�m mad now </p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">because I�m still shouting across a street</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">hey</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">do you know what you meant to me ?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">Sunday, July 22, 2001</p>
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