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<td width="733"><p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>January</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e947" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e947"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e947"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e747"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>I did, in fact, go to bed
with a book on New Years eve. At midnight when I heard
the fireworks and the hootin and hollerin I whispered
<a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/">Rabbit Rabbit.</a>
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first day of the year and I was out of sorts. Sleepy.
Achy. It was raining on and off. Mostly on. I did eat
the <a href="http://mayakaimal.com/">curry</a> and it
was GOOD. I still have rice and green beans and curry
so I'll be eating it again. I did not drink the champagne.
It's a wee spilt of <a href="http://www.laurent-perrier.fr/">Laurent-Perrier.</a>
Too good to drink when you aren't really in the mood.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
usually draw a card on the first day of the year. I
tried a few times but I kept getting cards that felt
problamatic. There aren't really bad cards. But there
are cards that reflect difficulty and I am just not
in the mood for that much more difficulty. I think I've
had enough. Every time I pulled a card I just thought
- NO. Which seems like a good response. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oviously
difficulty is part of life. And my life is pretty cush
in many ways. I just want to ... oh ... I dunno.
Be more engaged. Work more. Write more. Read more. Be
more open. I've been kinda shut down. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/index2.shtml">Amber</a>
did a reading for me in which the <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000769.html#000769">High
Priestess</a> was central. I think I'm going to use
that as my card for the year. For me it's about taking
what you want from the things you've learned and coming
up with your own ideas. There is a sort of magic in
the card. But it's the magic of paying attention. And
nature. So I think I need to use what I've learned.
Some how. And that's part of the message of the card.
I don't need to know how. I just need to pay attention
and create. Which would be what a writer does. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny
how hard it is to call myself a writer. I wonder what
it will take. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I feel better than I did yesterday. I'm having
a slow Sunday. But slow is OK on Sunday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1247)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1247"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e948" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e948"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e948"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:15
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e748"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Two or three times now
I've heard people say, "There's nothing we can
do." when asked about the loss of life in the tsunami.
Once was when a news guy stopped a women here in SF
on her way into a new years eve party. She was dressed
to the nines and had on quite a bit of make up, which
is not something I am critical about in and of it self
but something about her tone and her look lent a sort
of let-them-eat-cake quality to her declaration.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard the exact same sentence from a very dear friend
last night. Someone I hadn't heard from in awhile and
who was calling to deliver a message and not have a
long political conversation. But, it startled me. It
seemed like a way to establish distance. Not between
he and I but between us and the disaster. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
news is full of stories. One of which was a young boy,
maybe eight or nine, who had been given five hundred
dollars for Christmas and had donated it. One of which
was a pediatrician who was on her way to help. For most
of us money is all we have to offer. Some have neither
money nor skill. And there is little we can do. Maybe
there is nothing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a tense relationship with ideas of what can be
done. Too often I feel like people use action as a way
to avoid feeling. Sometimes all you can do is hold the
emotion. I think holding the emotion takes some of the
pressure off. In the same way we feel better when we
talk to a friend about a problem and they hold the emotion
with us, we can hold some of the loss for all these
ravaged people. Of course, it is possible to become
immobilized by the emotion. I'm never sure I have the
balance on all that quite right. I could do more. Generally
speaking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been doing a better job of having some balance the last
few days. I am aware of the loss. I am trying to stay
informed about it all. And I am trying to anchor myself
in the things I need to do to move forward in my own
life. Maybe because the question of what to do has been
such a hammer in my world lately, maybe that's why the
expression of helplessness hits a nerve. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1248)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1248"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e949" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e949"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e949"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e749"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Adrienne sent me this perfect
icon to sooth my worked up soul.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="141">
<tr>
<td width="286">
<p><img src="Bhudda.jpg" width="141" height="113" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
am I worked up? Oh. I'm not going to write about it
yet. Something came up that is either really, really
good or really, really bad, or maybe neither extreme
but I'm in a spinning what-if place internally. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I took one look at this face of wisdom and sweetness
and the spinning slowed. For awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1249)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1249"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I'm still at the age where 5 minutes is a long time, and a year is not.
-<a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/021120.html">Monk</a></span></font><p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e950" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e950"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e950"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e750"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>It seems like once a year
I write about cleaning up the little back room in the
back of my apartment. I should write about it more often.
Because I should do it more often. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a desk that I made by putting a piece of thin wood
on top of two file cabinets. And there are built-in
shelves on both sides reaching up to the ceiling. One
side is filled with cook books and cooking magazines.
I used to spend more time sitting back there reading
them. The other side has things like my waffle iron,
ice cream maker, empty flower pots, vases, baskets.
It's a room where the ephemera of my life piles up.
Cleaning it up means realizing that I still have the
stack of Christmas cards from last year. Not 2004. 2003.
I never want to throw them away. I always think I will
but not just yet. And not-just-yet becomes a year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still have the 2001 Earthshaking Women date book put
out by the <a href="http://www.warresisters.org/">War
Resisters League</a> that Jeane gave me. Every time
I try to throw it away I end up reading one of the biographical
pages about <a href="http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/aap/terrell.html">Mary
Church Terrell</a> or <a href="http://www.kamat.com/database/pictures/c63.htm">Vijaya
Lakshmi Pandit</a> and I can't throw it away. Plus it
has the added benefit of making me think about Jeane.
Which is always good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there are the stacks of writing by classmates
from my MFA program. If we went to their homes I wonder
if they would still have copies of what I wrote? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the middle of all the sorting I got quite cranky and
picked up a stack of unread magazines and read for awhile.
Those don't get thrown away. They just get moved to
the piles on the bottom shelves of all my book shelves.
But it is one less stack. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
might have gotten cranky because I was listening to
CSPAN and the first day of the new congress. First topic
being the <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/010505Z.shtml">ethics
of changing rules.</a> And I was listening to last episode
of <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp">the
board</a> in which <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/01/05/BAGRJAL9BM1.DTL">Matt</a>
was the pres. Not that there was anything in that to
make me cranky. It was a bit of a love fest. As it should
have been. It might have been cool if the mayor had
stopped by. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
there is a big bag full of stuff to haul down to the
trash. The piles are neater. There is one more that
I want to go through but I can see the top of the desk.
Or at least I can see the middle of the top. The middle
which is surrounded by stacks and photos and little
cards with snappy sayings and coffee mugs full of pencils
and pens and rocks and little plastic toys. It is a
room in which the edges are full and they are always
trying to encroach on the middle. Once a year I push
it all back. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
doesn't really seem like I accomplished much. I did
throw away the 2003 Christmas cards but replaced it
with the stack of 2004 cards. Someday, someone will
come here and find me buried under piles of books and
papers and little plastic toys. That someone will pick
up a Christmas card and wonder why I didn't throw it
away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Go
say <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Happy
Birthday to Dru.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1250)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1250"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e951" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e951"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e951"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e751"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>The big political new in
SF is that <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/01/06/MNGJ1ALTGV1.DTL">Gavin
and Kimberly</a> have called it quits. Why is it political
news? I can't for the life of me imagine but the local
news led with it last night and spent a good deal of
time interviewing people on the street about it. This
on the same night that the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/01/06/MNGA7ALIQR58.DTL">governor
gave his odious state of the state</a>. One might imagine
there were other things to talk about. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
Newsoms were called the "new Kennedy's", which
always made me wonder if people remembered that Jackie
didn't really like being a first lady and John cheated
on her. I was one of those kids who sat in front of
a black and white television and swooned over JFK. Those
were different times. I was also the only kids on my
class who had divorced parents. It was quite the mark
of shame. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Much
of the discussion about the Newsom divorce mentioned
his support of same sex marriage. What does his
divorce have to do with same sex marriage? I can't for
the life of me imagine. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't like Newsom. I didn't vote for him. I don't trust
him. His mean spirited policy on the poor is as frustrating
as Clinton's welfare reform. But I was grateful that
he did the same sex weddings and he has put women and
minorities in positions of leadership and he did
support the hotel workers. In a town like SF he isn't
the most progressive guy around but I do realize that
he's done some stuff. And I feel sad that his marriage
didn't work out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
Joni Mitchell lyric ran through my head while I listened
to the news. "<a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=MyOldMan"><i>We
don't need no piece of paper from the city hall keeping
us tied and true.</i></a>" This from a woman who
was married twice and in a number of other serious and
committed relationships. Marriage. What is it? Is it
about being tied and true? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
support for same sex marriage is unwavering but my support
for marriage in general is not so strong. I like commitment.
I like people who understand themselves to be doing
the work and having the fun of a live shared. I like
ritual and ceremony. But what is marriage? I'd like
to see marriage be something people do in their spiritual
lives and I'd like the state to stay out of all of it.
But the privileged rarely concede a right. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Unless
they live too far away from each other and the pressures
of their jobs become overwhelming to their relationship.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
I don't mean to be snide. But I do feel a bit snide.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html">West
Wing</a> took on same sex marriage last night. There
was a lot to how they did it but I was most impressed
by the character of CJ who was being rumored to be gay
and was trying to decide whether to make a public statement
about being straight. In the scene in which she is directly
asked the question by the press she gives this great
comment about how being thought to be gay changed the
way she was treated and the way she felt. She said "no
one should be treated like this." And she refused
to answer the question.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess it's not that big a deal that people want to know
about the personal lives of people in leadership. But
it is a big deal when it becomes the central focus.
I think it's the kind of news that should have taken
about a minute to announce and then maybe we could have
talked about <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_05/010705Z.shtml">Barbara
Boxer pushing for the country to pay attention to what
may have gone wrong in Ohio.</a> Or the Gonzalez confirmation
hearing, which I am listening to right now and may be
why I'm feeling so snide. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1251)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1251"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
war has used up words:they have weakened,
they have deteriorated like motor car
tires; they have, like millions of other
things, been more overstrained and knocked
about and voided of the happy semblance
during the last six months than in all
the ages before, and we are now confronted
with a depreciation of all our terms,
or, otherwise speaking with a loss of
expression through increase of limpness,
that may well make us wonder what ghosts
will be left to walk. - Henry James
3/21/1915</span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e952" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e952"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e952"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e752"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>The problem with reading
"<a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?081297106X">a
memoir in books</a>"
is that it adds to your
books to be read list. And
right now I am jumping from <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0231128967-1">French
feminist literary theory</a>
to the story of a woman
reading the classics in
Tehran to <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Author/AuthorPage/0,,0_1000001140,00.html">mi
corazon</a>. This last reading
brought on by a sudden overwhelming
crush (never mind that he
is now dead and was then
gay) and the most overwhelming
generosity of a <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">dear
friend.</a> Of course she
is increasingly reading
early American literature
(as is Nafisi
in the book ) and I'm in
a spin trying to fill in
the blanks of my knowledge.
I need to read James and
Dreiser and Wharton. Oh my. It's a pretty great problem
to have. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/index2.shtml">Amber</a>
tells me she's sending me
her extra copy of Madam
Bovary, which I did read
when I was in my teens but
I was looking for stuff
about sex since I'd been
led to believe it was a
scandalous book and I don't
really remember much of
it. And I know I confuse
it with Lady Chatterly.
So I am grateful and excited
and waiting for it as if
reading four books at once
and a stack of magazines
and the Internet were just
not enough. But I feel like
she's sending me a memory that I need to restore. And all of it
makes me feel as if I can't
read enough. As if there
is more to read and reread
than I will ever live long
enough to do. Books clamoring
for my attention. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am close to the end of memoir
in books and I finished
the <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_014009444X,00.html">first</a>
of the <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Search/AdvSearchProc/1,,S55739,00.html">Pentagonia.</a>
But I slow down toward the
end and pick up something
else. As if I can't bear
to finish. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways I find Nafisi's
writing tedious. But not
so much that I am put off
the book. In the beginning
she writes about color.
And we know I have issues
with <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/What_Color_Is_The_Dress.htm">writing
about color</a>. One of
Nafisi's students talks
about color.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="361">
<tr>
<td width="355">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The
Islamic Republic
coarsened my
taste in colors,
Manna said,
fingering the
discarded leaves
of her roses.
I want to wear
outrageous colors,
like shocking
pink or tomato
red. I feel
too greedy for
colors to see
them in carefully
chosen words
of poetry. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
Nafisi tells her:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="352">
<tr>
<td width="346">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When
I was very young,
I was obsessed
with the colors
of places and
things my father
told me about
in his nightly
stories. I wanted
to know the
color of Scheherazade's
dress, her bedcover,
the color of
the genie and
the magic lamp,
and once I asked
him about the
color of paradise.
He said it could
be any color
I wanted it
to be. That was
not enough.
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
goes on to talk about the
colors of a painting and
the pool outside of house.
Later in the book she writes
a long descriptive paragraph
about her first meeting
with a man who became a
dear friend and mentor at
the end of which she says:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="349">
<tr>
<td width="343">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
forgot to add:
it was a cloudy
snowy day; and
it would it
matter if I
told you that
I wore a yellow
sweater, gray
pants and black
boots and he
a brown sweater
and jeans?</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I want to say, NO! No it
does not matter. Not to
me. Tell me what he said.
But the facts are I am touched
by the sentence. Because
this is a world where women
are draped in black and
a man and women who aren't
married or related but just
connected by a deep love
of learning, books and culture
are sitting together alone
in a room. And even these
simple clothes with their
not particularly outrageous
colors would be judged seditious
to the revolution. Tedious
may be the wrong word. In some ways it's like listening
to a friend tell a story and sometimes there are repeated
details but you just ignore the repeating because you're
interested in the friend's story. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
the while a voice with a French accent is whispering
in my ear about women and genius and words and a voice
with a Cuban accent is saying, "Oye. Tengo
mas que contar." And I need to read Nabokov now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was young my grandmother would tell me to get my nose
out of "that book" and go outside and I would
go out side but I would take the book with me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
raining and raining. I am inside. Flitting from one
country to the next. From one time to another. In a
paradise of thought and expression the color of which
changes every few moments.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1252)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1252"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
invite other writers to consider the fact that by accepting
the prizes and approval of these vague institutions
we are admitting their authority, publicly confirming
them of the final stages of literary excellence, and
I inquire whether any prize is worth that subservience.
- Sinclair Lewis, 'Letter to the Pulitzer Prize Committee.'</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(From
my made by <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">Amber</a>
<a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/products_id/43">bookmark</a>.
)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e953" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e953"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e953"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e753"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>This week the door buzzer
kept buzzing. And every
time
it did something good happened.
Mom sent cookies. <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
sent books. Yesterday it
rang twice. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first ring was Renee. The good news was that I was going
to get the whole day with her. The bad news was that
she was leaving to go back to school the next day. We
shopped for stuff to cook a meal. I made lamb chops
and chard. She made mashed sweet and white potatoes.
We ate triple cream and salami while we waited for the
potatoes to cook. It was a great time together.
Just too short. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
she was here the buzzer buzzed again. Amber sent a box
of yarn and the copy of Madame Bovary with a <a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/products_id/43">book
mark</a> that <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">she
made</a> and a very cool glass button that I will wear
as a necklace. The amount of yarn is overwhelming. I
keep looking at it. Touching it and arranging it in
rows of color. My desire to learn to knit is rekindled
in a BIG way. But I might crochet something first. Just
to feel the yarn slipping through my fingers. The first
thing I did this morning was stare at yarn. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
a very lucky grrrl. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1253)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1253"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e954" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e954"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e954"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e754"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>It rained like Armageddon
yesterday. Banging against the window. I remember one
other year in SF when it rained this much but even then
it didn't seem like it rained as hard. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0316768/">Tiptoes</a>,
wondering how it had ended up in my Netflix Queue. I
think it was because I enjoyed <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0227759/">Peter
Dinklage</a> in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0340377/">The
Station Agent</a> and looked for other films in which
he acted. I didn't like Tiptoes. I've been trying to
figure out why. There are a few too many characters.
And there is this way in which the intersection of the
average sized and the little people felt contrived.
It just didn't quite work and I still can't exactly
say why. It may be that some of the stereotypes of little
people culture were perpetuated. And, may have some
truth. But I think it was trying to both challenge ideas
and entertain. Somewhere between those two goals the
movie drifts and neither is quite accomplished. The
Station Agent is one of my favorite movies of all time.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I worked on a hat for <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/336172/1/13366747">Jan.</a>
Read for while. Went to bed too wound up. Slept badly.
Woke up tired. Ah well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I began to type I thought I had something to say. Now
I think I was wrong. Sometimes I'm just phoning it in.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it seems like there is something that wants to be said.
I just can't quite put words to it. Yet. Or maybe ever.
We'll see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1254)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1254"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e955" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e955"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e955"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e755"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>In my dream Michael Moore
gave me a Gourmet magazine to cheer me up. He was very
sweet. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been having trouble sleeping for a week, or so. It could
be about hormones. At my age it's likely that much is
about hormones. I'm not that good at sleeping anyway.
Generally I go bed around midnight and maybe wake up
once and then wake up around seven. And, generally,it
seems like enough. This week I've had trouble getting
to sleep, woken up at least twice and had trouble
getting back to sleep, woken up at six, felt un-rested,
gone back to sleep till eight. Something about that
makes me feel bad. Gets my day off to a fussy start.
A couple days of it is one thing. A week of it has me
pretty fussy. Yesterday I was so fussy that I hid in
<a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">my game</a> for most
of the day. I love it when I react to feeling like I
can't get things done by doing nothing. It's just so
backwards. But the game makes me laugh. And laughing
is good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sara
left me a comment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="297">
<tr>
<td width="291">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Have you found a career that lets you have time and energy to write? I
can change jobs in a second. I have read your blog for maybe a month,
and you don't mention what your job is. I have looked back, but did not
see it. Whatever it is, it does not seem to take up too much of your
thoughts. I would love a job like that.
<br>
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read it last night and thought about it for much of
the time I wasn't sleeping last night. Although, to
be clear, these are the thoughts that fill up most of
my day and night. Not new. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do not have a job. I need a job. More to the point I
need work. And I need a paycheck. The difference between
work and a job, for me, is that work is something you
do with a certain amount of passion and commitment.
In the restaurant industry I had both jobs and work.
Some times I worked for the paycheck. Sometimes I worked
for the love of serving good food, the craft of cooking,
the people who I worked with and for. Working is so
much better when your heart is involved. Restaurant
work is hard. Exhausting. But also fun.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I always think people know this story but I left a pretty
lucrative job and went to college. While I was getting
my BA I ran a small coffee cart at the school. I sold
that cart to the school and went on to get an MFA. For
the last year I've been living on the generosity of
family, friends and a really unseemly amount of debt.
It Is not a pleasant or sustainable way to live. I came
out of six years of school feeling less employable than
ever.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there have been a series of Perils of Pauline type events
in my life. Nothing horrible. Just a series of things
that made me feel tripped up. I came out of 2003 having
had pleurisy and a taxing visit with M & K. I felt
worn out. And then my dad died. And then in the middle
of the year I gave my heart to someone who filed it
under to-be-ignored leaving me with the project of building
a new heart. I've had to do this often enough that you
would think I'd be really good at it. But I keep trying
build a heart that doesn't fly out of my chest and I
seem to build a more rattlely one each time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there has been the world/political stuff. Much
of which hits me in that rattlely heart.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sara's
question comes from her own desire to write and her
feeling that she doesn't have the time and energy to
do it when she also has a job. I understand that. On
the other hand, I did the most writing when I was getting
my BA and working seven days a week running my little
coffee cart. I did a lot of writing in the MFA program.
It was a truly privileged time in which writing was
the substance of my day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I a writer? Is that my work? I don't think having the
ability to write makes you a writer. I think writing
makes you a writer. Do I write? Well. I write this blog.
I have written a couple of articles. But. It would seem
like I could do more. Not having a job doesn't make
it easier to write. I may have time. But I lack will
and inspiration. And there is a business to being a
writer. Sending stuff out. Looking for an agent. I did
some of that last year. Not enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
an on-line journal is a funny business. This post seems
like a defense of my life. At least it does to me. Sometimes
I wonder if writing a personal life is inherently troubled.
What is too much information? Who is it OK to write
about? Are we really connecting emotionally? Intellectually?
How much of each? What makes my personal narrative worth
reading? Some of the blog writing I love the most is
the blog writing about daily life and personal quandary.
And sometimes I feel pulled into an intimacy that I
may not want. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was processing the heart break I felt like I wanted
a witness. Or maybe a mediator. I knew that I was seeing
things from my perspective and I wanted to have other
perspectives. At the same time I didn't want to name
names. It can all be very delicate and tenuous
and fraught. Now I feel like it was much ado about nothing.
Me believing things that were not true. Things that
were promised but not fulfilled. Things I wanted to
believe. It's the stuff of romance. My blog writing
became oblique. Indirect. I felt like no one wanted
to hear about it any more. I didn't want to hear about
it any more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
ended the 2004 trying to walk. Slowly. Everything seems
slow to me. It takes me so long to write a post sometimes.
I feel slower mentally, emotionally, intellectually.
And keep telling myself that slow isn't wrong. But I
feel like I'm not getting things done. And more than
feeling it, I can say with certainty that I am
not getting things done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a funny business. Someone can leave an innocent comment
and all your denial, defense and self-loathing
gets stirred up. How am I gonna pay the bills? And it's
three o'clock in the morning and you are staring at
the wee spider's home in the corner of the room and
you're thinking that you need to get the vacuum out
but the day comes and you don't. It gets added to the
list of things you didn't get done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
Then you remember. Hormones. Life. Rain. Sleep loss.
Illness. Death. Heartache. It's all just grist. The
wheel will turn. No. I have not found the perfect way
to pay the bills and find the time and energy to write.
We'll see how today goes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1263)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1263"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e963" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e963"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e963"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e755"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Perhaps. Possibly. Maybe.
I haven't been writing much about fat politics because
of the general struggle in my life. For me that struggle
has everything to do with the shift I made when I left
restaurants and went to college and wrote a book. This
blog spans that time period. It's a time of shifting
identity. Something many of my friends of any age experience.
And friends in their fifties seem to experience in a
specific way. It manifests differently for different
people. I like having grey hair. I don't want to look
younger. Whatever that means. I do want to have the
time and space for the reading and writing that I love.
I want my work life to shape itself around those loves.
But I'm not sure it makes me a good spokesperson for
the revolution. I may not be shiny and positive and
successful. And the revolution may need its leadership
to be more socially acceptable. Possibly. Perhaps. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Over
the holidays I had the better part of a post written
about the annoying constant reminders that people were
likely to gain weight if they celebrated with too much
abandon. In my own life the holidays were a time to
eat the fancy cheese that I love but can't always afford
and don't digest quite as well as I once did. After
a certain amount of indulgence I'd had enough. Did I
gain weight? Maybe? Who cares? I deleted the post when
I felt like I was writing in circles. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always feel like I'm playing both sides of a very complicated
chess game when I write about food and fat politics.
There certainly are people in the fat community who
suffer compulsive eating. I've had heart wrenching conversations
with people who feel they eat too much and who eat crap
food. Many of them have successful careers, strong,
loving relationships and generally happy lives. But,
for a variety of reasons, they eat in way that makes
them feel bad about themselves. For some of them it
isn't about being fat. They are. They may always be.
That's not the issue. The issue is the manic and compulsive
way they eat. I never want to suggest that this isn't
an issue. When I say I ate fancy cheese over the holiday
and that was enough there is a way in which I suggest
that it should be that way for everyone. And it just
isn't. The holidays found some people hiding in a corner
hastily eating a plate of cookies and hoping no one
would see them. And then they spiral into self loathing.
And who would hand a diabetic a plate of cookies and
say, "It's the holidays. Indulge." There are
very real heath concerns that warrant vigilance in terms
of food and weight gain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
said that, most of the warnings about weight gain over
the holidays were really about the fear of getting fat.
Fat, in and of itself, being the basket in which
so many health concerns are now tossed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now it's January and people are making resolutions and
we have <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20050114/HGUIDE14/TPHealth/">new
guidelines</a> for how to eat and how much to exercise
and it's all written with the same fat fearing/hating
tone. Tommy Thompson thinks people look better when
they are thin. He's entitled to his opinion. But I don't
agree. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't have any argument with eating more fruit and vegetables.
I don't have any argument with people getting exercise,
if they WANT to. I'm not sure people are gonna go for
the new 60 to 90 minutes a day recommendation. Some
may. I used to work out in a gym for 60 minutes five
days a week. I was still fat. Close all the fast food
joints and get rid of all the soda machines. And after
all of that there will still be fat people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001481.php#comments">Paul
blogged</a> about all this with a link to a fellow who
thinks Big Fat Blog folks haven't taken an honest look
at their "situation." By situation I'm assuming
he means that everyone who reads the blog is fat. I'm
not going to link directly to him because he is one
of those people who seems only to be able to make his
argument by suggestion that he knows a truth far superior
to the truth other people hold. What ever. People like
that made me feel mean. And there I am. In the mud pit
with them. Gearing up to sling. Backing away from the
screen seems wiser. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
size of my ass is NOT a "situation".</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have backed pretty far away from the screen this week.
Sometimes you hafta do that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1256)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1256"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e957" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e957"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e957"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:26
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e755"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>I listen to crazy stuff
when I do yoga. Last week I
was listening to <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a>. Episode
280 to be exact. They were
talking to soldiers in Iraq.
Put a whole different feel
to the warrior pose. Today
I was listening to <a href="http://www.lauranyro.net/">Laura
Nyro.</a> When she started
singing Dancing In the Streets
I had to come out of tree
pose and move into the swim,
the hitchhiker and the frug.
Remember the frug? Perhaps
I should listen to my breath,
or some kind of zone music.
But zone music makes me
cranky. </span></font> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
day began with an e-mail
from a friend that had me
crying one minute and spitting mad the next. There are
people who are going to hang with you no matter what
you're going through. And there are people who aren't.
I don't expect the same level of intimacy in all my
relationships. Even with my dearest friends I make an
effort to not belabour my difficulties. I tend to isolate
when I'm feeling too many difficult things. Sometimes
I write about my emotional life here and sometimes I
have regretted doing so. All this new age self help
obedience training we live with gives us new language.
Such nice ways to say fuck you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I cried and I got pissed off and I felt ill perceived
and I worried and I responded to the e-mail. Then I
did the tree pose until Laura made me feel like shaking
my butt. I'll probably do a few more cycles of all that
until time moves me to a new place. Meanwhile I'm making
applesauce and dusting. Oh it's a full and rewarding
life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ahhhhh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
know. I like to be fair. I like to allow for other people's
experience. I really do. I spend more time mulling over
IT ALL than I should. I take great care with the way
I say things. And. Right now. I've just had enough.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1257)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1257"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e958" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e958"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e958"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:44
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e758"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Today is <a href="http://cocokat.com./">Laurie's</a>
birthday. Laurie, it would seem, is taking a blog break.
Her last post, talking about how busy she was and writing
about the complexity of her personal life in that great
wry and open hearted way in which she always wrote,
is like a marker on a road. She's gone off somewhere
and I keep returning to that marker to see if she's
stopped by. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
the blogging world. We meet each other through links
and trackbacks and stats. We love each other for the
words we weave, the pictures we take, the pointing to
stuff that we might not have found on our own. These
don't feel like disembodied relationships. I feel these
relationships in my skin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jill
wrote a <a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000920.html">great
post</a> the other day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="309">
<tr>
<td width="303">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I see the act of blogging--of visiting other people's blogs and having
them visit mine; of leaving comments and receiving them; of feeling
invited to peek past the curtains of your living rooms and bedrooms--as
a pact. In this pact we've each agreed to behave in certain ways: I
promise I'll appreciate your new content by visiting regularly,
following along during both the good times and bad, sending virtual
love to you even though you are technically a stranger. And in exchange
you will do the same for me.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think that's one of the best articulations of the blog
relationship I've ever read. And, like Jill, I've broken
that pact. It seems like once a month I write a post
about not feeling able to blog. Read or write. Is it
time for a break? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
where is <a href="http://lovesinsects.blogspot.com/">Artichoke
Heart?</a> People take breaks. It's OK. People need
to take breaks. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Remember
when James Brown would pretend to fall down in the middle
of a song and then someone would pretend to help him
off the stage and then he would toss off the cape and
come back and finish the song? That's me. Fallen to
my knees. I just can't go on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
probably start posting twice a day now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1258)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1258"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e959" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e959"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e959"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e759"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
put me onto the <a href="http://www.historychannel.com/frenchrevolution/">revolution
being televised</a>. I watched
until Robespierre decided
that the death penalty might
not be such a bad idea.
It's really all down hill
from there. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Like
so many revolutions born
in the inspired thinking
of philosophers and carried
by the rage of the starving
third estate, power changes
things. Why, I continue
to wonder, is it like that?
Maybe it's that the high
ideals that provide the
spark become rigid. Maybe
the passion and commitment
that drives the will of social
change become a force in
itself. A force that loses
any self reflective capacity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">History
TV is still TV. The images of the royal are sharp and
full of color and detail. The images of the poor are
fuzzy and in black and white. All the images are in
a tape loop. Historians in book filled rooms talk about
Marat like he was just cranky. Louis is just a hapless
boy. And some of that is true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just so disappointing to me that revolutions so often
become ideologically rigid and then rigidity is
bathed in blood. The language of the time has resonance
today. The terror. Keep the people afraid and obedient
for their own good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"And
the worst are full of passion without mercy."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wonder what Robespierre would argue for in California
today, as we begin the dreary countdown to <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2005/01/18/national0914EST0511.DTL">state
sponsored murder.</a> It's not just the ideologues and
the state who think a death will put an end to death.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="293">
<tr>
<td width="287">
<p><a href="http://www.bc.edu/bc_org/avp/cas/his/CoreArt/art/neocl_dav_marat.html"><img src="Marat.jpeg" width="288" height="300" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
part of me understands <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Corday">Charlotte
Corday</a>. Some part of me just wants to make
certain people go away. But then Charlotte ends
up, neck under the blade. Marat, having called for so
much blood dies in a pool of his own. Robespierre, having
decided that terror might be a good method of social
control feels the blade himself. And it goes on and
on. Blood and more blood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want our institutions to be smarter than we are individually.
I want us to agree that our humanity can lead us to
believe that an eye for an eye will do something more
than cause blindness. I want us to build the collected
wisdom of so much history into our definitions of justice.
I want revolutions that expand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1259)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1259"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e960" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e960"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e960"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e760"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
See. Twice a day. Maybe even
more. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
messes me up. Today they are broadcasting the Rice confirmation
hearings. I get so caught up in it all. Even when the
hearing takes a break <a href="http://www.sundaysalon.org/larrybensky.asp">Larry
Bensky</a> begins his commentary and I am really stuck.
I managed to break away and get a shower. And you just
haven't done the tree pose till you've done it with
the sound of Barbara Boxer getting tuff. So I keep taking
breaks but then I hafta check back in. It's just so
... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ms
Rice wasn't too responsive to Boxer's grilling. The
response was pretty much a pouty don't make me feel
bad about myself response. Oh. OK. And there was this
moment when Rice said that the tsunami had been a great
opportunity for America to win hearts and minds but
to be fair she was responding to a question and I'm
sure doesn't thing of that level of tragedy as an opportunity.
I'm sure she doesn't. (cough) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean ya know, there is a reflex thing in the way we
think. There is a way in which everything has to
be about making us feel good about ourselves. If we
are uncomfortable in any way then someone better fix
it, or we better get away from what makes us feel that
way.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anyway.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1260)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1260"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e961" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e961"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e961"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e761"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's cold. Cold cold cold.
It's bumming me out. I keep
trying to make stew and
ending up with soup. Good
soup. But still. I want
that thick gravy and all
my best efforts aren't getting
it done. Still. Soup. A
glass of wine. A blanket
and a book. Cut the bummed
outness into bits. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel lucky. Lucky to have my apartment. Lucky to have
good food. Lucky to have books to read and yarn to play
with and music to listen to and lucky to have Barbara
Boxer as my Senator. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
litany is just me trying to keep myself grounded. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1261)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1261"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e962" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e962"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e962"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e762"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
So. A few days ago I posted
about a man who wrote a post about <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a>
and I didn't link to him because I didn't really want
to engage with him at the time. But he found my post
and responded to a comment left by someone else and
a bit of a conversation has ensued. Since the post is
about to move off the page I want to note that it is
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e963">here.</a>
(And by the way my perma links are wonky this month.
What can I say? I suck at code.) </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will now link to the man whose name is Kevin and who
(again) has been respectful in my comment box so I want
to acknowledge that. Kevin is a competitive runner and
most of <a href="http://www.kemibe.com/index.htm">his
site</a> is about that. On one section of the site he
writes what could be characterized as <a href="http://www.kemibe.com/pace/index.htm">a
blog</a> and it was there that he wrote a couple of
posts on BFB about which I took issue. And now
Kevin has written a post in which he says he just doesn't
get "these damn fat activists." Kinda made
me smile. It also made me smile when he suggests that
fat activists are like Christians. I don't even know
why it made me smile. It has to do with the way that
Kevin articulates things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is hard for me to want to engage in a conversation with
someone who finds me "desperately ugly". To
be fair he didn't say that about me. He said it about
fat people. But, ya know, I am in fact, fat. But.
Again. He has been courteous in my comment box. And
there is a part of me that wants to imagine that part
of him might be open to some consideration of the fat
activist point of view. Fool hardy though it might be
to imagine. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't think it is a position of fat activism that no
amount of exercising or eating less results in weight
loss. Clearly, for many people, that eat less/ move
more thing results in weight loss. But, how much more
exercise? How much less food? And there are fat people
with issues like <a href="http://health.discovery.com/encyclopedias/585.html">Cushing
Syndrome</a>. There are ideas about a fat germ. I'm
not really feeling like making a list of the many reasons
why a person might be fat. For me most, if not all, fatness
begins with genetics but even within that seemingly
simple idea there is a spectrum of how fat and where
they carry their weight. Bodies are complex systems
and personal stories are more complicated than that.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wish I had the appetite that Kevin imagines me to have.
I've known other fat people like me who don't have much
appetite. Because I am a cook I do have an interest
in well prepared food. I do love food. But there are
days when I am too preoccupied with something I am reading,
or writing and I don't want to take the time to eat.
And I don't. I know so many people who are overwhelmed
by the amount of food they are told they should be consuming
to lose weight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I saw a thing on the news about how often most people
eat at fast food places. I am always stunned by that
kind of information. The last time I ate fast food was
when I was getting my MFA. The woman who was kind enough
to give me a ride home and I sometimes stopped at a
drive through and got some of the worst food I've ever
eaten. Believe me, every time we did it I made sure
to eat earlier in the day so that I wouldn't be hungry
after school. I really do not understand why people
like that stuff. I do understand why people eat fast,
cheap, prepared food on the run. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Could
I exercise more? Sure. Could I eat less? It might not
be a good idea. I could eat differently perhaps. But
I eat good food. I eat fruit. I eat vegetables. I eat
whole grains and protein. And I eat <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">Newman
O's.</a> Maybe not everyday but I eat them often. I
like them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh,
I hate when I get off on these what I eat tangents.
It's really no one's business. It is something I think
about because if I don't think about I might not eat
at all. The other night I was reading and I felt a little
hungry and I kept thinking I should eat but just kept
reading. If I don't eat with some intention I do get
hungry and then it is possible for me to eat drive through.
So I think about what I eat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
the deal. Fat activism isn't about whether or not weight
loss is possible. It's about the idea that the size
of my ass should not be a determining factor in if I
get hired, or how much I get paid. It should not be
a factor in my access to housing, transportation or
public facilities. It would be nice to have some cultural
representation but I'm more interested in adequate non
biased health care. I'm not interested in changing Kevin's
esthetic of beauty. I do feel like when he writes that
he could yoke me to a group of other fat people and
solve "the damn energy problem" he might imagine
that I would be ... um ... oh ...pissed off. Which is
why I didn't want to link to him, or read him. Kevin
can also express himself in a scornful manner. It's
a big Internet. Write as you choose. All of us write
from our own point of view. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Big
Fat Blog is a place where those of us who don't fall
into the fat is ugly, unhealthy and wrong point of view
meet up. Kevin says we want to create a new set of values.
I think we are articulating a set of values. Ours. Not
actually that new. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">(Kevin?
Plus size models are milky skinned? Wow. My African
American plus sized model friend will be so surprised.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Look.
Kevin has a very glib qualifier on the top of the section
of his site on which he writes most of this stuff in
which he says all dissenting opinions are by definition
wrong. Is he serious or just being playful? Only he
can say. But for much of my life I've had people like
Kevin telling me that I am desperately ugly and unworthy
of the space I take up in the world. If "rampant
denial" is my reaction then I think rampant denial
might be a good thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may regret this post. I may be engaging when I knew
better. But the Kevin in my comment box seems to be
capable of respectful interaction. I doubt we have much
to say to one another. I'm not particularly interested
in competitive running (though I admire anyone who has
a passion of any kind) and I don't think he would find
me compelling as a daily read. It's really not that
big a deal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Paul
does a great service in maintaining a place where people
can feel safe to talk about their experience and their
frustration with the fat hating culture. Is it sometimes
too commiserate? Perhaps. But EVERY where else you look
you can find PLENTY of agreement for how ugly and slothful
fat people are. And, ironically, Paul gets slammed for
not being fat radical enough and not protecting the
space. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. I'm just going to take my desperately ugly fat
ass into the kitchen and make a cup of tea. Since I
am listening to <a href="http://www.caboverde.com/evora/evr-0003.htm">Cesaria
Evora</a> I may even shake it a bit as I go. The horror!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1262)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1262"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e964" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e964"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e964"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e764"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My friends often tell me to
listen to less news. I think the idea of taking a news
break is a healthy one but I can never bring myself
to do it. Today is the first day in years that I feel
like taking a news break might be essential for my mental
health. I really cannot bear the fact of the inauguration.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
feels wrong to say that. Even if you believe that something
went wrong in Ohio and maybe even other states and that
Kerry may have won (and I do) a lot of people voted
for Bush. A lot. His supporters will brag about the
FACT that he got more votes than any other Republican
candidate before him and he DID. What they won't include
is that Kerry got more votes than any other Democratic
candidate. More people turned out to vote than have
in years. That's a good thing. But what the right calls
a mandate I call a point of tension where two extreme
different points of view are pushed against one another.
As he is being inaugurated he has the lowest approval
rating of any other sitting president before him. I
doubt he will mention that. How is it possible to be
elected and a few months later have such low numbers?
Did something change? I think it's about the tension.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
isn't as simple as red state/blue state. You can find
that point of tension in many living rooms. You can
find it in neighborhoods. In churches and schools and
city governments. We are a nation in the middle of a
heated debate. And the debate isn't going to stop because
one party wants to celebrate a victory. It was a victory
won in a very narrow margin and shadowed by doubt.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Much
is being made of the cost of the event. Is it unseemly
in a time of war and in the aftermath of the world greatest
natural disaster? I think it's unseemly at any time.
These things should be decorous and contained. I think
it is unseemly in light of the tension between us all.
Americans like to think in terms of winners and losers.
Democracy is more complex. Democracy is about finding
a way to get all the voices in the room so that the
conversation can be both expansive and inclusive. Democracy
acknowledges the tension and seeks to govern not through
the domination of a particular ideology but through
the awareness that our institutions need to serve us
all. Our institutions need to hold the tension and manage
the more mundane process of how we spend our collective
dollar. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bush
is not a visionary. He is not someone who can reach
out to those with whom he has disagreement. He doesn't
even want to listen to them. He is going to continue
to speak and act like his ideology has been given a
blank check. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
turned on KPFA a couple of times. They are covering
some of the demonstrations and the inauguration. And,
although I am in agreement with their ideology today
is not the day I want to hear it. Today I feel solemn.
I know there are people who are happy today. And I want
them to have their party. I just don't want to watch.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
silence will be good for me. More <a href="http://www.caboverde.com/evora/evr-0003.htm">Cesaria</a>
will be good for me. I will proabably check in from
time to time with KPFA and maybe even the TV. But I
am determined to hold some distance. People will still
be talking about it tomorrow. And the day after that.
And I will be listening. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1264)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1264"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e965" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e965"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e965"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e765"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://animatedstardust.typepad.com/">Daisy-Winifred</a> passed
<a href="http://animatedstardust.typepad.com/daisywinifred/2005/01/music_to_my_ear.html">this
challenge</a> on to me.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>1.What
is the total amount of music files on your computer?</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1047.
But I feel I should say that I haven't really gotten
into the whole down load thing. These are all ripped
from discs I own, or discs I borrowed. And, since my
speakers don't work, I don't listen to them anymore.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>2.The
last CD you bought is</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well,
I bought five. I'm a member of <a href="http://www.bmgmusic.com/acq/ott/index.jhtml;jsessionid=FTJZXXEZ3XTYSCTI0UTSFFA?acqlinkback=y&_requestid=65338">BMG</a>.
I found them useful when it came to replacing records
that I sold over the years but they tend to be heavy
on popular music. In fact I was once a member of their
classical music club as well as the main club. I quit
both and they lured me back with a phone call and
a bunch of free CD's. I don't buy from them often because
I'm not really spending money these days (except on
essentials) but they had a great buy one get three free
thing and I had a free one waiting. So I got an old
<a href="http://www.lauranyro.net/">Laura Nyro,</a>
the new <a href="http://www.anitabaker.org/">Anita Baker</a>,
the new <a href="http://www.melissaetheridge.com/main.shtml">Melissa
Ethridge</a>, the <a href="http://www.caboverde.com/evora/evr-0003.htm">Cesaria
Evora</a> and one of the new <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/album/_/id/6305215/jonimitchell?pageid=rs.Artistcage&pageregion=triple1">Joni
discs</a>. It's full of songs I have on other discs
but it has new art and when it comes to Joni I am irrational.
This is the most new music I've had in awhile and it's
making pretty happy. And it cost me 34.66, which included
shipping. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>3.What
is the song you last listened to before this message?
</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Voz
D' Amor. The last song on the Cesaria. I've been listening
to that disc again and again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>4.
Write down five songs you often listen to or that
mean a lot to you. </b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
lord. This is tough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1.
Anything by Joni. In fact I could make all five Joni
songs. But, lately I listen to the <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=TheSireOfSorrow">Sire
of Sorrow</a> a lot. Which, I suppose is about my general
state of malaise. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2.Anything
by Ricki Lee and, again, I could take all five from
her but I'm going to pick <a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/rljcompany.htm">Company.</a>
I did sing it myself. On stage. Back in the day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">3.
<a href="http://www.steveconn.com/">Steve's music</a>
means a lot to me because he is a friend and listening
to him brings back a whole time for me. I can't pick
one but I can say that when I hear the Battle Hymn of
the Republic I hear him singing it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">4.
Most of <a href="http://www.leonardcohenfiles.com/">Leonard
Cohen</a>. How can I pick one? OK. <a href="http://www.leonardcohenfiles.com/joadraft.html">Joan
of Arc.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">5.This
is really just too hard. There are so many. I tend to
like songs with lyrics because I like to sing along.
But I listen to a lot of jazz, classical and songs in
languages I don't speak. So. I guess. <a href="http://www.jazzsupreme.com/">A
Love Supreme</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I could do five more right now. These five seem so soft
and serious. But what about all of Motown, Baila Me
by the Gipsy Kings, Everything by Meat Loaf? Stevie
Wonder? Professor Longhair? Howlin' Wolf? Janis Joplin?
Bonnie Raitt? Bruce Cockburn? Dang. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>5.
Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (three persons
and why)</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hmmm.
That's hard too. But. Let's see. <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">George</a>.
Because I've seen his music files. And Phew! He has
some MUSIC!! <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru.</a>
Because she makes good compilations. Annnnnnnnnnnd...........ummmmmmmm...........<a href="http://www.redpolka.org/">April</a>
coz she does the compilation thing too. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I'm going to be digging through my discs thinking
about all the songs I shoulda said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">PS
(at 11:38) Daisy-Winifred also sent her challenge to
<a href="http://creatingtext.blogspot.com/">Anne</a>
who sent it to <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">Amber</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1265)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1265"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e966" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e966"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e966"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:55
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e766"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Do not sit in front of your
computer with a bowl of
pistachio nuts, cracking
and eating them without
looking. Coz you might get
a bad one and it might get
stuck in your teeth and
no amount of brushing makes
the really bad taste go
away. I'm just sayin.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
had to know I'd cave yesterday.
Right before noon I turned
on the TV for a few minutes.
At that time the motorcade
was on a section of street
on which there were no crowds
but a spead out row of people in military
uniforms. The car was flanked
by secret service. There
were rows of police. The
image was chilling. It seemed
so police state. After a
minute or so they came upon
group of protesters.
The car sped up. I turned
on the sound. The press
was just patting themselves
on the back for the fact
that they were showing the
protesters despite the fact
that everything out of their
mouth discounted the protest.
Whatever. I turned it off.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had KPFA on a few times.
At one point they were talking
to Gore Vidal. He mentioned
that the founding fathers
weren't that impressed with
democracy. They made a republic.
A republic is still a top
down structure. The top
is elected and process is
democratic. I'm not totally
clear on the distinction but I've heard made before.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I read <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=64-0465027296-0">The
Trials of Phillis Wheatly</a> because I had it and <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
was reading a Wheatly poem for a class. In it Gates
mentions his possible relationship to Jefferson. He
doesn't say he is related. He just says he may be in
a way of granting Jefferson some deference in relationship
to Jefferson's views on slavery and people of color.
Gates is kind. It struck me because recently I got e-mail
from a woman doing research on ancestry. Another woman
found me because I have <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm">DOR</a>
on line. And both women are in the line from my great,
great, great grandfather. We can track ourselves back
to my great, great, great, great grandfather who fought
in the battle of Concord. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like that these women have contacted me. We've had some
lovley conversations. And the fact that my family tree
can be tracked makes me aware of my privilege. Not that
I am particularly interested in the DAR or whatever
entitlement may be associated with it.But there is something
comforting about a woman in Florida with a picture of
a distant relative we share. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the book Gates talks about the men who "tested"
Wheatly to see if she could have written the poems she
wrote. They were a fancy bunch of so and so's. All leaders
in those early days of America. I might have been related
to one of them. (Goodgawd I hope not.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did keep it all turned off for most of the day. Today
was full of the day after recaps I knew I would hear.
And as I listened I kept thinking about another poem.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="255">
<tr>
<td width="249"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.</span></font></pre></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="298">
<tr>
<td width="292"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!</span></font></pre>
<pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> <a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?prmID=1473">-Langston Hughes</a></span></font></pre>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1266)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1266"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e967" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e967"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e967"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e767"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In my dream Mother Jones,
who was morphing into Mother Theresa and then back,
smiled at me. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
year I tired so hard to learn how to knit with
books. I ended up with one row of stitched cast on and
I hit a wall. When <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">Amber</a>
sent me the big box of yarn I got excited about it again.
So I went to <a href="http://www.artfibers.com/ARTFIBERS/store/store.html">Artfibers</a> and
Kira (the woman in the blue dress who now has blonde
hair) (and was wearing a skirt and a sweater both of
which she made) showed me how to knit. All of the images
from the books came back and made sense. I know people
have different ways of learning. I seem to really need
a person showing me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
now I have about five inches of a scarf done and I'm
feeling pretty happy. I've been working on a hat for
<a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/355904/1/14144040">Jan</a>
doing crochet. My stitches are so tight. I've taken
it apart and started over three times. I've moved to
a bigger hook. I'm still just so tight. With the scarf
you can see a slight widening, which may mean I'm loosening
up. I certainly don't have the trouble getting the needle
through the stitch that I'm having with the crochet.
It seems like I'm always a little tight at first. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Amber
sent a link to <a href="http://www.threadproject.com/asp/contact.asp">The
Thread Project</a>, which seems like such a great idea.
I have a rather long tail on this scarf for when I started
it. I know I need some to wind into it (coz I read that)
but I think I left way much. So I'm sending a bit from
the first thing I will have ever knitted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1267)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1267"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e968" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e968"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e968"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e768"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/021172.html">Dru
</a>picked up on the posting I did on the guy who thinks
BFB is a site full of people in rampant denial and
she posted a <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/021196.html">few</a>
<a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/021197.html">times.</a>
In her comments <a href="http://www.michellejones.net/onapath/">Michelle</a>
linked two places as examples of how the hatred of fat
people was baffling. I didn't follow the links at first
because the weren't active in the comment and I don't
really need to go looking for fat hatred. I live with
it. I'm not even sure why I did look. What I found was
some very cool photography. The hatred is in the comments.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the <a href="http://www.manipulation.com/003312.php">first
one</a> comments range from just saying that the photo
is made ugly by the presence of the fat people to some
in depth (cough) analysis. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="290">
<tr>
<td width="284">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="style9" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It's not just about the fat couple. There is some
good symbolism here. The athlete in the shot is eager, lean, and a
whirl of motion, while the chubby man and woman appear disinterested,
lax, sessile, even deflated. You don't notice the kid so much, but
without him this tableau is incomplete.</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know perspective is everything but I don't see it that
way at all. They look like they are loving the sea and
maybe even each other. And the two piece bright
pink and blue bathing suit looks alive, skin open, feeling
it all. I see the vigour in the young man with the board.
And I get that some people like athletics. I, like the
couple, am more given to staring into the water, soaking
up the beauty. I don't think the photographer was intending
to paint a portrait of lazy, ugly, fat people.
His title is The Couple. It just seems sweet. I'd be
sad to hear otherwise. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other link was to some photos from a beach in Chile.
Again, the photographer doesn't seem to be making a
negative comment on fat people but in the comments we
see a young girl being called a lard ass and another
comment in which the presence of a Burger King in a
photo of a fat girl is a commentary on the "global
reach of US culture." So there were no fat people
in Chile before there was Burger King? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
looked like these girls when I was a kid. And I went
swimming. Not at the ocean sadly. A public pool. I went
every day in the summer. It was a long walk down a hill
to the pool and a long walk back up the hill after we
swam. And we went every day. There was no Burger King.
We didn't have fast food in the neighborhood until I
was in my early teens. And we didn't like it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Generally,
I hang out with really smart people. And when I tell
them things that have been said to me, or things that
I have been told were said about other fat people they
are aghast. As they should be. It still startles me.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1268)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1268"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e969" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e969"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e969"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e769"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I was thrilled yesterday when
I noticed that I was one of the <a href="http://bulltown.com/dailywebthing/core/?seek=daily_pointers">daily
Aortal</a> pointers on <a href="http://bulltown.com/radio/categories/dailywebthing/">Joe
Jennett's daily web thing.</a> It took me back to the
time when I was first getting that there was a blog
world. Portals like <a href="http://jenett.org/ageless/">Ageless</a>,
<a href="http://www.internetbrothers.com/aortal/">Aortal</a>,
and <a href="http://www.souloftheweb.com/">Soul</a>
were like a road map to a world full of coolness. And
<a href="http://www.willa.com/weblog/">Willa's Moodswings.</a>
Getting a nod from Joe Jennett felt like some kind of
arrival. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I realized I don't link to him. I link to Ageless.
But not Cool Stop. Anyway. I added <a href="http://coolstop.com/radio/">Jennett
Radio</a> to my blog roll. Not out of obligation. I
just associate him with blogging and the way in which
our linking to one another has built this massive community.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
people seem to be taking breaks. <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/">Cleis.</a>
<a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">Cyndy</a>
thought she might but seems to have made a few posts
since then. I really know how they feel.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maria
<a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000513.html#000513">wrote
the other day</a> about awareness of the reader. Stat
checking. Referrer tracking. One link less and we think
we've failed. One link more and we think we win. I do.
Maybe I should say I do. But I know I'm not alone. I
do make an effort to ignore it all. But the truth
is I get very cranky when I feel ignored. And then I
feel like I've lost perspective. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
link from Joe took me back to a more innocent time.
A time when it all felt new. A time when I was meeting
people through the way the arranged words and pictures
on a page. It all felt marvleous and exciting and subversive.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging
gets talked about as much as it gets done. It is still
a wide open field full of possiblity. Political bloggers
get a lot of credit for keeping it real. Political bloggers
invented Howard Dean right? Or was it the other way
around? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get sucked into myself. Reclusive. Too reclusive even
to read or write. And this blog has been something that
keeps me from sliding too far in. Better that pills!
Or therapy! This blog keeps me connecting. Thinking
about writing. Thinking about myself in time. Thinking
about the world around me and the people who go on line
every day to read me. and the people who go on line
every day to write. My heart about bursts when I think
of it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
far as I know I only got one hit from the link. So it's
not about <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php">my
evolution</a>. It's about something more delicate. And
warm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1269)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1269"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e970" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e970"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e970"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e770"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I didn't think I would ever
watch the Bridget Jones movie. It didn't seem like I'd
be missing anything and I was annoyed by all the flap
about how much weight the actress gained to play the
part and how much she had to lose afterward. But last
night the movie was on TV and I had entered what I now
call the evening yarn zone. So I watched. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was funny to see Salman Rushdie. Other than that the
movie was as I imagined. Sometimes I like simple movies
with predictable plot lines. I do hate watching movies
on TV because they show more and more commercials as
the movies comes to an end. It seems like they know
they have you hooked so they bombard you. I usually
mute commercials but I was concentrating on the yarn.
Maybe someday I'll have the knit one, purl one, click
on mute rhythm but right now I'm still afraid to let
go. I kept thinking that I'd quit watching and read
as soon as I'd get to the end of the row. And then there
was one more row and one more row. I guess that's a
knitting thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Commercials
are almost funny to me sometimes. It seemed to me last
night that low carb or low fat was mentioned for every
food. Except there was this repeated commercial for
pizza strips that you dunk into sauce. Is that good?
It didn't look good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there are the commercials for medication that warn
of possible side effects in a warm fuzzy (don't worry)
tone. I really like those. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I don't think I'll be rushing to get the sequel. There
was a sequel, right? Another couple of hours of this
young woman trying to define true love and have fun
and be a professional something. I heard the book was
good. And yet ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1270)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1270"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e971" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e971"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e971"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:55
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e771"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Potato leek soup. I'm just
sayin. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
cut the leeks into half circles and saute them for a
minute or two, cover them with chicken stock, add cut
up potato and let it cook till the potatoes are soft.
The stock will have reduced and the starch in the potato
will thicken it somewhat. Salt Pepper. Some creamed
frache on top when it's in the bowl. It couldn't be
easier. It couldn't be better. Especially on a cold,
rainy night. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you like smooth soup you can blend it after the potatoes
cook. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
that one more row thing in knitting can hold you in
place for quite a while. And I don't even know about
gartner stitches yet. I did end up taking the scarf
apart and starting over. I needed to make it longer
and I didn't have enough of the yarn. So I'm making
stripes. And that turns into a one more stripe thing.
I'd like to finish something. Someday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/2005/01/benefit_of_the_.html">Rana</a>
wrote a post the other day that I've been thinking about
and rereading. It's about the difference between tolerance
and the benefit of the doubt. And here's where I begin
to paraphrase wildly so keep in mind that I may have
missed her point in a desire to make my own. Tolerance
can generate an atmosphere of moral relativism and deference
to the point where opinion is almost thought of as pathology.
Benefit of the doubt is more about taking a position
not as a negation of another point of view but as an
expression of a personal integrity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think my interest in the post comes from a few places.
I've been thinking about reconciliation. What are the
qualities of true reconciliation? I have a few relationships
in which there is a desire for reconciliation.
In some of them I'm the one with the desire. In others
someone else wants to reconcile with me. In all of them
there is a story line that arrives at a moment when
my or the other persons behavior becomes too difficult
to bear. And I, or the other person, needs to either
accept what feels unacceptable and shift to a less open
manner in the relationship or let the relationship go.
For me, once a deep level of intimacy is established
it's difficult to operate at as if the agreements that
created that intimacy have not been breached. I don't
need much but I do need some ackowledgement of the breach,
some sense that it is understood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
this may seem off to the side of what Rana is writing
but when I was reading her post I was thinking about
how tolerance works in the relationships I have (my
parents) in which there have been breeches, reconciliation,
or not and still the relationship goes on. Big zones
of don't-go-there exist. But we go on. Tolerance in
those relationships is painful and often feels like
a loss of some of my personal integrity. In my friendships
I am less willing to pay that price. But when are those
lines too thickly drawn? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Politically
and culturally I loved the distinction Rana is making.
She said she has been accused of not being liberal.
If someone said I wasn't liberal I'd be thrilled but
I don't identify as liberal. I am, in fact, somewhat
loathe to even use the word. It does seem like the warm,
fuzzy, it's all good way of being that makes real discourse
almost impossible. We preach to the choir. We vent to
our inner circles but show a placid face to the world.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been interesting to me that the news continues to say
that Rice will be an easy confirmation when what we
see (if we watch CSPAN) is long and contentious presentations
from a few Democrats and the warning to be silent from
the right. Let's not undermine her credibility in the
world, they say. Too late. It's already undermined and
she did it all by herself. But the news keeps telling
us that everything is OK. Whatever dissent may exist
is small and meaningless and the larger agreement is
the only thing that matters. But that isn't true. the
dissent needs to have its articulation. Its place. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did warn that I was going to paraphrase and diverge
but language from Rana's post keeps coming back to me.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="326">
<tr>
<td width="320">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">In yoga, they say that life itself is practice, an on-going effort to
learn about oneself and to understand the consequences of one's
actions. The goal is not a perfect performance, but to test and
question and learn. A student who attempts a pose, however imperfectly,
in a mindful way achieves more than the student who half-heartedly and
lackadaisically assumes a pose that on the surface is beautiful but
which on the inside is empty. Relying on tolerance to guide one through
life is doing just that.</span></font>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yoga
postures are so active. When you think of something
like <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/492_1.cfm">mountain
pose</a>, which I call the just stand there pose, you
can wonder about the value. But when you do the pose
you realize how many muscles go into the act of simply
standing. You become aware of how breath works (or doesn't)
with those muscles. You become aware of the habits of
your body and the pull of those habits and sometimes
the emotional reasons for that pulling. You become aware.
And having become aware it is to painful, almost impossible
to shut down that awareness. But it's interesting. I
don't think the woman in the photo looks particularly
well aligned. I think she needs to drop her butt. And
who am I to say? I have to assume that she feels the
pose in a way that is beneficial to her. Is there a
right way to a pose? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the political, cultural and even personal areas of our
lives we hold postures. For me there's always complexity.
Which is part of what I think Rana is saying. And I
try to hold the complexity in the posture. And there
are times when I feel like I may sound like a relativist.
I'm really not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
<a href="http://www.patiencetaichi.com/push_hands.htm">push
hands</a> is way to think about how my posture and another
person's posture can relate. Because in push hands flexibility
does not mean changing the basic form of the pose. It's
more about being able to hold your pose in relation
to someone else's. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Rana's
post begins with a thought about how communication works
in the blog world. We deal with the sometimes flat sometimes
static nature of language. After I read her post I thought
about how after the elections I had some tense exchanges
with a few folks in comments because I was (and am)
so emotional about the outcome. And when I write about
fat politics I often end up trying to engage and still
hold respect. It is often easier for me to engage with
someone who thinks I'm in denial and should really just
eat less and exercise more until I am some magic number
(something I have never been no matter what my consumption
and activity levels have been) than I do engaging people
who think that they are not fat hating but really don't
examine their thinking about weight and health and beauty
and social meaning. And in my personal life sometimes
I just hafta say ... this is the best I can come up
with right now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
can see how I am all over the place with this but so
much of my thinking has returned to Rana's notion of
the benefit of the doubt. When I talk about holding
complexity I think I'm saying something similar. There
is tension in mountain pose. I mean the teachers always
talk about effortlessness and energy and finding the
place where you can stand forever but my experience
is that standing still isn't simple. It's full of complexity
and awareness of the complexity and being with the complexity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Soup.
Soup is simple. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1271)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1271"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e972" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e972"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e972"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e772"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Dinner at Abeer's. She made
cucumber, tomato salad, rice, dal, spinach and chick
peas, okra and <a href="http://www.mitchellsicecream.com/">Mitchell's</a>
with blueberries. Everything SO good. And we talked
and talked. And talked. And talked. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
tries (and I think succeeds) to send out five pieces
of writing a month. She's been published in <a href="http://www.zyzzyva.org/fall04.hoque.htm">ZYZZYVA</a>,
which is very cool. She has days that she sets aside
to write. She was encouraging me to SEND STUFF OUT.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
Knew a guy who knew Bukowski. Bukowski used to send
a piece of writing out every day. Every day. Five a
month seems like a more practical goal. I have no set
goal. I send something out and then hold my breath until
I get the rejection letter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sonya
is so good about sending me links to calls for submissions.
I think I did send something out a few months ago but
I don't remember. This is the work of being a writer
that I just don't do. I need to keep a record.
I need to set goals. I need to send out query letters.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few nights ago I had this great feeling right before
I went to bed. I felt like something had changed. In
me. I felt better. I felt like I'd done a lot of work
on some inner stuff and something had shifted. I couldn't
wait till the next day. The next day came and I woke
up in a terrible but ill defined mood. I don't know
why. I don't think I need to know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I woke up having a dream that I was auditioning
for Judy Collins. I was in the <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">Starting
Over</a> house and other women were auditioning for
her but the life coaches didn't remember that I wanted
to sing. So they weren't giving me the chance. One of
the other women did remember and encouraged me. I was
in a ditch. There was a wall that I was peeking over.
My voice was weak and I knew it. I sang quietly and
with my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes the life
coaches were making all these encouraging faces and
it pissed me off and I couldn't sing. But Judy looked
at me and said I like your voice. And then she began
to make a plan for us all to do more work on our singing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Encouragement
is a funny thing. I need it. I want it. I get plenty
of it. I feel that I have gotten deep and substantive
encouragement from many people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really want to sing any more, which feels funny
to say because it was all I wanted for so long. But
I don't love what you have to do to sing. The musicians.
The clubs. It was fun when it was fun. And that's just
not where I want to be. But I do want to express. Or
something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dinner
with Abeer was fun and somehow cleared my head. I will
get out a note book and figure out a goal and keep a
record of how I'm doing. I will do that today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1272)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1272"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e973" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e973"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e973"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:11
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e773"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Dear Blog Friend, </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thank
you for the beautiful flowers. That was a kind and generous
thing to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">PS:
Kindness? Me? Huh? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1273)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1273"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e974" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e974"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e974"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e773"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Deb was on her way over, bringing
lunch. We were gonna eat and watch <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/morning/features/2002/may/amish/">a
movie</a> (interesting but not that well done) while
she did her laundry. So I was looking at funds
for writers sites and CSPAN was on. There was a panel
discussion with Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, Olusegun Obasanjo,
Thabo Mbeki, Bill Gates and Bono. At first I thought
we might be playing a game of one of these things is
not like the other. Or maybe even two of these things.
It was a discussion on <a href="http://inside.c-spanarchives.org:8080/cspan/cspan.csp?command=dprogram&record=35828712">G-8
and Africa</a> being broadcast live from the World Economic
forum and actually quite interesting. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
moderator was <a href="http://www.weforum.org/site/knowledgenavigator.nsf/Content/Ockrent%20Christine?open">Christene
Ockrent</a> who was quite challenging and sometimes
a bit loopy. She was asking Bono to imagine he was the
"president of England" and say what he would
do. He looked over at Tony Blair and said something
about how the Irish have been trying to do that for
years and everyone had a good laugh. I dunno. How does
the person who sang Sunday, Bloody Sunday sit next to
Blair and not make a more serious comment when handed
such an opportunity? It was funny. I will admit. I laughed.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
summit has <a href="http://www.forumblog.org/">a blog</a>.
The post about this panel <a href="http://www.forumblog.org/blog/2005/01/international_t.html">is
interesting</a> but not detailed, mostly focused on
the international tax plan. There's actually a better
report on the <a href="http://www.u2.com/heartsminds/index.php?mode=full&news_id=1306">U2
web site</a> but no mention of the Irish being offered
control of England. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't get to see the whole thing. I saw part of it
replayed later in the evening. I heard someone on KPFA
talking about the big Tsunami relief effort and lack
of funding for HIV/AIDS in Africa. The person had numbers
about deaths and funding that were overwhelming in contrast.
Not that I have any disapproval for the vigour with
which people are raising money for tsunami relief but
there is a way in which we get all worked up about something
and forget about everything else. Clinton said there
is little political will for allotting funds for the
HIV/AIDS crisis because there is no constituency. But
how do you build constituency? You educate. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I had a nice lunch and watched some Amish kids getting
high and worked on my scarf and all the while I was
thinking about debt relief, and the focus of private
funding as the main stay instead changing budget priorities
from military aggression to world health, education
and housing. There was a man in the audience who has
a relatively low cost plan to just make sure every one
has mosquito netting over their mats. Just that much
of an intervention would change the numbers on death
from infectious disease. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
long?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
long must we sing this song? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1274)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1274"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e975" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e975"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e975"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e774"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I keep forgetting to write
about seeing <a href="http://www.citylights.com/CLlf.html">Lawrence</a>
on the bus. He got on one stop after I did. I was already
in my seat and had my book out. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
This is dopey. But I will admit. I tipped the book a
bit so that he could see <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_0140066365,00.html">what
I was reading</a>. I don't know if he looked. I'm sure
he didn't care. What was I thinking? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
got off at the <a href="http://www.citylights.com/">book
store</a> and I rode off in my mobile reading room.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1275)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1275"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
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