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<td width="722" bgcolor="white"><p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b> January 2004</b></span></font></p>
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<p><a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/"><img src="rabbit.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0"></a></p>
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<p align="justify"><a id="e493" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e493"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e493"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> First
post of the year. And I feel so blank. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am feeling better. I'm resting a lot. I slept so much
yesterday I thought I'd have trouble sleeping last night.
I didn't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
raining so hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Democracy
Now is playing <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/01/01/1612241">a
collage about the 2003</a>. I like things like that.
I forgot about all the things that happened during the
year. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't make resolutions. I do a lot of musing about what
has been and what I want to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1)Find
an agent.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2)
Write more.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">3)
Find true love.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(794)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_794"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:28
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e494" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e494"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e494"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> Stripped.
I'm tellin ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have this plant. It has survived so much. It's the only
plant that survived my school years. Every year it drops
leaves and grows a bit taller. But it usually has new
leaves before it drops the old. In the last week it
started dropping leaves. Last night I heard the last
one fall. It's just this tall stem in a pot. It looks
like a stick. There are two very tiny green nubs at
the top, which I hope are leaves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
torn. Part of me want to keep watering it and whispering
to it. Maybe get it a new pot and some more soil. And
hope that those tiny little green nubs grow. And part
of me wants to pitch it in the trash and grouse about
how stripped I am and how stripped my plant became and
how stripped it all is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
now I just walk past it and look at those two little
green nubs. Checking to see if they're still there.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
slowly getting my rhythm back. My blog reading/ writing
morning rhythm. I learned about <a href="http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/monthly_column/december_03.htm">Jeanette
Winterson's page</a> from <a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">Mary</a>.
Good good good reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been cleaning. Putting things back into order. Resting.
Reading my new books. And watching two little green
nubs. For signs of growth and renewal.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(795)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_795"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:28
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e495" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e495"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e495"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> When
I was 19 I was in the hospital
for a month. A friend showed
up one day with some yarn and
a book of crochet patterns.
I don't remember what happened
to that first afghan. I finished
one for my mom and one for my
aunt. For years I've carried
around a bunch of granny squares
that were trying to be an afghan. They are purple,
green and black. I don't even
know how many years have gone
by with me dragging this basket
full of yarn and granny squares
around.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Recently,
I
heard an interview with the
woman who wrote <a href="http://www.bust.com/knithappens/thebook.shtml">Stitch
and Bitch</a> talking about
all the Internet stuff for knitting.
I sometimes read <a href="http://www.willa.com/zen/">Willa's
knitting blog</a>.
And then Renee came home with
a hat she had crocheted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
pulled out the squares and we
lay them out to see how big
an afghan it is now. It's not big. It'll
never be very big because I'm
almost out of yarn. But it will
cover me if I'm taking a nap.
Sort of. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
yesterday I started working
on it again. I watched <a href="http://www.snowfallingoncedars.com/">Snow
Falling on Cedars</a> and crocheted.
It was cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had to remember how. The first
square looks kinda tight and
asymmetrical. But I loosened
up. My fingers are a little
sore today. But I think it will
be good to finish this thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
friend who brought the yarn and the book was one of
those people who always had bread baking, an art project
going, more than one actually. Her plants were always
healthy. I have this sudden need to take care of things
in my apartment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
took me to <a href="http://www.rainbowgrocery.org/">Rainbow</a>.
I have had <a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/">Planet
Organics</a> on vacation hold
while Mom and Ken were here
and when Renee looked in my
refrigerator the other day
she laughed.
It was pretty empty. My freezer had a bunch of stuff
that I'm sort of worried about
because of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2003.htm#e486">the
power outage.</a> I never opened
the refrigerator but it was
out for twenty four hours. I
think that it's all OK. We'll
see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel slow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(796)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_796"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:41
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e496" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e496"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e496"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.brysons.net/generator/textonly.cgi">This</a>
made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my coffee.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="597">
<tr>
<td width="591">
<ul>
<LI><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Mapping Reception: Queer Mythos in Tish Parmeley's Avoirdupois: A
Life of Weight<BR>
</font></span><LI><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Tish Parmeley, Avoirdupois: A Life of Weight, and The Other:
<b>Penetrating Progenitive Inscription<BR>
</b></font></span><LI><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">The Symbolic Transgendering The Invader: Tish Parmeley, Avoirdupois:
A Life of Weight and Penetration<BR>
</font></span><LI><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><b>Production and Capital</b> in Avoirdupois: A Life of Weight: Tish
Parmeley Deconstructing Neocolonialist Textuality<BR>
</font></span><LI><span style="font-size:10pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Tish Parmeley, Avoirdupois: A Life of Weight, and <b>The Abject:
Visioning Erotic Symbol<BR></b></font></span></LI>
</ul>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
favorites are the ones in bold. I found it at Ms Lauren's.
Look what <a href="http://savoradin.com/2004_01_01_archive.html#107303867657475577">Tonio
got</a>. I am laughing and laughing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
worked on the afghan while I listened to <a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/">Wait
Wait</a> and <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a>. Usually I blog while I listen
and neither listen well nor read well. Then I put on
old <a href="http://www.mathie.demon.co.uk/th/records.html">Tim
Hardin</a> and cleaned the kitchen a bit. And then I
sat down to catch up on blogs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love my blog roll. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't been able to read much for the last few weeks.
I tried to check in with folks but, honestly, my brain
was not working. So I've been reading around. <a href="http://www.butuki.com/archives/2004_01.html#000124">Butuki</a>
and <a href="http://savoradin.com/2003_12_01_archive.html#107262593652972985">Tonio</a>
posted about friendship in the blog world. It's something
I think about a lot. Because I have met such amazing
and generous people on line. People who I find in my
thoughts, in my dreams. I fret over blog friends as
much as I fret over the friends I have who don't blog.
And for the last two weeks I would do one thing that
was mine every day. I wrote a little post. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
when I came home I looked at the comments, some from
people I didn't even know were reading me. And I took
great comfort in them. My blog became the touch stone
through a really difficult time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
afternoon I am reading and laughing and <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/01/i_spy_happiness.html">smiling</a>
and <a href="http://www.yarinareth.net/caveatlector/archive/week_2003_12_28.html#e002511">clapping</a>
and <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">crying</a>
and <a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_ulu2_archive.html#107311881911472636">ohshit!</a>
and I am blown away by <a href="http://www.cocokat.com/archives/000741.php">the
writing</a> and <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000271.html#000271">the
writing</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
could just keep doing this. But I need to make dinner.
And work on the afghan. And listen to music. And all
the while, I have you in my heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(797)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_797"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 4:08
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e497" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e497"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e497"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had two center cut pork chops
in the freezer. So I made apple
cranberry sauce. I don't usually
add sweetener to my apple sauce
but with the cranberries I had
to add some honey. The honey
had an orange blossom flavor
to it. Extra flavor. And I made
some mashed Yukon Golds, sauteed
some brown mushrooms and leeks.
Poured some <a href="http://www.winewebcentral.com/gmerlotmicro/Media/Blackstone.htm">wine</a>.
Put on some <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=1364383">music</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.
Lovely. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
kickin it on the afghan. I noticed a date on one of
the things (I'm sure there is a name for these.) of
yarn. 1992. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(798)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_798"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:46
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e498" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e498"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e498"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Happy
Birthday <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru!</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
and Kathleen came over for the
<a href="http://www.themenupage.com/mos.html">burger</a>/<a href="http://www.citylights.com/">book</a>
combo. I wanted to get a copy
of <a href="http://www.pw.org/mag/">Poets
and Writers</a> because Kristina
said there was an article about
agents. It's a good article.
It articulates a lot of my fears
about agents. Find true love. Find an agent. They seem
equal to me. Although. I will admit to being a bit melodramatic
about it all. But really. Love me. Love my book. Find
me a publishing house that will pay me enough money
so that I can pay off my student loans and credit card
debt but not make me feel like I've sold out to Capitalism.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've been
dreading this day. Before the holidays and M & K
visiting and the graduation I will admit that I was
feeling like I was giving up. I just wasn't getting
stuff done. Maybe it was because I knew all this stuff
was coming up. But I just wasn't doing it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
today is the day when all the distraction is done. I
need a job. I need an agent. There are things to do.
Steps to take. I need to GET IT DONE. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I slept till 9:30. Talked on the phone till 1:30. I
haven't even made my (cough) morning (cough) post. I
dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got another afghan square done while I was on the phone.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I also
got the new <a href="http://www.zyzzyva.org/w03.htm">Zyzzyva</a>
because Cynthia has a piece
in it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to stay calm and still push. But I feel like I'm
chasing my own tail. <a href="http://northcoastcafe.typepad.com/">Dan</a>
pointed me to <a href="http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/004342.html#004342">this
post</a> about <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F70915FA3C5A0C758EDDAB0994DB404482">this
article on knitting</a>. When I'm working on the afghan
I notice how tight I am. How goal oriented. And I take
a breath and relax. It is like a meditation. I know
<a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/000587.php">Ms
Lauren</a> will understand this. And I may switch from
crochet to knitting if I get this thing done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Done.
I need to get something done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
my. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(799)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_799"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 3:15
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e499" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e499"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e499"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
made dinner with all the same
ingredients except potatoes.
I chopped up the second pork
chop, the leeks and the mushrooms
and put them on top of whole
wheat mushroom pasta. I ate
a bit of the apple cranberry
sauce on the side. Sometimes
I wish I had a digital camera.
It was a very nice looking bowl
of food. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched <a href="http://www.dinnerrush.com/">Dinner
Rush </a>on <a href="http://www.ifctv.com/ifc/index">IFC</a>
and worked on the afghan. It
was a surprising movie. I kept thinking I wasn't going
to like it but I did. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kristina
said something about creating a study schedule. In other
words, when you don't have a job and you want to write,
making a schedule for reading and writing. I've had
this morning writing ritual for a while but since school
ended I haven't been doing any writing, other than the
blog. I think I could formalize things more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Er
somthin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
when you are looking for a job, looking for a job is
your job. So I think it might be cool to assign time
to it all. Because days like yesterday feel kinda out
of control. It was a great day. I talked to friends.
Ate good food. Read. Saw a good movie. Crocheted. If
I had a gazzillion dollars in the bank it would have
been a fine day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
...I don't.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(800)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_800"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:41
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e500" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e500"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e500"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really really really want to
write a post about how great
something is. But I just don't
have that post today.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Monday morning my aunt called
to tell me that my dad is dying.
It wasn't unexpected. He's 77. He has a list of physical
problems. I knew it was coming. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
parents were divorced when I
was three months old and I didn't
really know him very well. I
keep telling myself that I can't
lose what I never had. But the
loss I've always felt about
my dad is kicked up right now.
I find myself feeling things
I thought I had put to rest
long ago. All of which seems
normal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
might not post for a while.
Or I might post in an hour.
Writing has been the way I process
but this is just hard. I'm OK. I'm just very sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a line in a Ricki Lee Jones
song: "There are wounds
that stir up the force of gravity."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(801)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_801"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:09
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It
would be a while before I realized that "me"
is what we think when our parents die, even at my age,
who will look out for me now, who will remember me as
I was, who will know what happens to me, where will
I be from. -Joan Didion. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e501" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e501"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e501"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I saw a movie about <a href="http://www.marianland.com/teresa01.html">Sister
Teresa</a> and a movie about
<a href="http://www.georgiaokeefe.com/films.html">Georgia
O' Keefe.</a> I remember
thinking about their hands for
weeks afterward.
One of them had hands that touched
so many people. The other hands
that touched mostly brushes
and canvas. One lived in service
to other people and the other
lived in service to her individual
artistic vision. At the time
I wondered if one was a
more righteous life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dad
died on Friday morning. I got
the call at 3:30 AM. I couldn't
go back to sleep. <a href="http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palladium/4542/flyon.html">Fly
On My Sweet Angel</a> was
running through my head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
running some funky inner tape
loops. Psychological stuff that
I thought was handled long ago.
I don't seem to be able to concentrate.
All I can do is work on the
afghan, which I have found enormously
comforting and it's pretty much
done. I'm doing the border.
I think there's something kind of interesting about
how this thing sat around for ten years and then got
finished during this week of loss and mourning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
hardest part is that I am struggling
with my feelings. I keep trying
to find a way to understand
them. Why have I always had
so much feeling for someone who didn't really extend
himself to me? And yet, I always have. The predominant
feeling has always being longing. Followed by attempts
to compartmentalize and have perspective and see things
for what they are and have perspective and have perspective
and have perspective. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And I have to keep reminding
myself that sometimes you just
feel what you feel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'm sad. And I'm having a hard
time with motivation. I keep thinking my energy is back
and then I crash. I can't sleep at night and can't wake
up in the day. I feel like I have nothing to say and
then someone calls and I talk for twenty minutes with
barely a breath. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">None
of this seems wrong, or bad. Just part of the process.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really think that there is one kind of righteous
life. And yet, I have tried to lead one. I think
there were good things about having the father that
I had. I think life is complex and full of subtlety.
I think a lot of things. But I feel more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Waves
of things. And I'm just trying to ride them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(802)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_802"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:38
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e502" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e502"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e502"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was twelve, thirteen, fourteen and fifteen I lost
four family members, one a year. I remember a feeling
of the ground moving under my feet. Falling away. And
the hardest part for me, at that time, was being aware
that some people were having the best day of their life
on the day I was crying the hardest. At that age it
just seemed like the world should stop to notice the
loss. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got older and more philosophical. I understood death
as a part of life. <i><a href="http://www.123lyrics.net/j/joni-mitchell/shadows-and-light.html">Every
picture has it's shadows. And it has some source of
light.</a> </i>Things move in a cycle. It is what it
is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.loggia.com/myth/persephone.html">Persephony</a>
was dragged into hell the first time but she went back.
And you don't hear much about that. Maybe it was a good
thing to be able to move from the light to the dark
with impunity. Or maybe she had to much light when she
was in the dark and too much dark when she was in the
light. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I needed to write a few notes. Notes to cousins and
friends. E-mail and snail mail. It all seemed to take
forever. My mind was so fragmented. Is so fragmented.
But I have to do these things. And the dishes. And make
the bed. And take a shower. And have some dinner. And
it all seems to take so long. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do laugh. I feel peace. I'm not suffering every minute.
I just find that tears are always there, ready to fall.
And I find that part of me is not available. Even to
myself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
type a sentence. I stare at it. I drink some tea. All
the while wondering. Is it enough? What does it
mean? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(803)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_803"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:53
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e503" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e503"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e503"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
took me the <a href="http://www.berkeleybowl.com/">Bowl</a>.
I haven't shopped there since the strike failed but
I wanted Renee to see the <a href="http://www.berkeleybowl.com/pages/produce.html#">massive
produce department</a>. She's become quite the foody
since going to college. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night Karen called. After we talked I realized that
it was the first time I'd talked about things without
crying. It may have been because I was just so happy
to be talking to Karen. Or because I'd had such a nice
day with Renee. There's no doubt that I am rich with
people to help me get through this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or
it may just be that time is doing what it does. This
section of the story falls into a narrative line on
a page a few chapters ago. It isn't that I'm not still
sad. But it is less shrill. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
before I got sick I'd begun a self care push. I fooled
around with eating more protein. Carbs sometimes give
me stomach aches. So I was playing around with eating
protein in the morning and no carbs till later in the
day. I'd also begun doing some exercise. In fact, when
I first got sick, I thought I'd pulled some muscles.
And then I was sick. And then Mom & Ken came. And
then...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
today I'm feeling calm enough to refocus myself. I had
eggs and <a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm">sausage</a>
for breakfast. There's a <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga
class</a> starting in SF that I want to sign up for.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Slowly.
Slowly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(804)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_804"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:56
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e504" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e504"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e504"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Happy
Birthday <a href="http://cocokat.com./">Laurie</a>!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(805)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_805"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:11
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e505" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e505"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e505"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing is I did wake up yesterday. But I just didn't
jump out of bed. And I did eat breakfast and listen
to the radio and eventually I went back into the bedroom
and made the bed.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I unmade the bed and got back into it with a pile
of old <a href="http://www.harpers.org/">magazines</a>.
I did, eventually, get up and take a shower and I did
have clothes laid out on the bed. But when I looked
at them I didn't want to wear them. So I put my pajamas
back on and kept reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So,
at one o'clock in the morning, when my neighbor came
home and shut his door loud enough to wake me up, I
couldn't go back to sleep. And I read some more. I read
about a lot of things. I read about a new book on Primo
Levy and a new book on Diane Arbus and I was thinking
about <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/arts/AP-Spalding-Gray.html">Spaulding
Gray</a> and wondering if he's OK. And the room began
to fill up with ghosts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
probably sounds worse than it was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know if everyone has a distinct internal parental
voice. But I do. And yesterday it was loudly silent.
Watching while I drifted and mused. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(806)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_806"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:30
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e506" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e506"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e506"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about how I felt when I <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March.htm">first
began</a> to write on line. I wasn't at all sure what
I was going to do. I just wrote something. It became
my ritual. I woke up thinking about what I was going
to write. And I didn't have comments, or perma links,
or a blog roll. But I hit a groove. I just wrote something.
Pretty much every day. If I had no inspiration I looked
for it on other blogs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I dunno. I dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
having a hard time. And it's not just about not having
a blog. Or an on-line journal. It's about being someone
who wakes up thinking about writing. There is a part
of me that just thinks this is understandable. I keep
telling myself not to trip. Lot's of stuff piled on.
Brain is slow. Understandable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was going to write this morning. And then I was in this
slow place. Slow to wake. Slow to eat. Slow to get in
the shower. Slow to have a clear thought. Slow to have
any thought. Just mooky and slow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
the buzzer rang and it was Cynthia. It doesn't happen
very often. Someone just stopping by. I like it. We
talked and I made some blueberry muffins and coffee.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.planetorganics.com/">Planet
Organics</a> delivered my weekly supply. As much as
I love them it is some times weird. I end up with too
much of something. Even if I modify my order. So I had
things I needed to use, or lose. Like two <a href="http://eat.epicurious.com/dictionary/food/index.ssf?DEF_ID=1404">delicata
squash</a>, some mushrooms, three heads of garlic. I
got red and golden beets with todays order. I just threw
it all in the oven. I wasn't sure what I was going to
do with it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love roasted garlic. I love the smell. I love the nutty
flavor it adds. But I don't totally love sitting at
my table squeezing it out of the skin. It's so sticky.
I have my little technique of pulling of as much skin
and as many larger outer cloves as I can. Then I cut
the bottom off the inside bunch and squeeze. And then
I squeeze the bigger ones. I don't love doing it but
I love having a little stash of it around. And now I
do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was a good day for it. Grey and cold. The apartment
filled with roasting smells. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
sauteed some shallot and the mushrooms and tossed in
the squash. Added some chicken stock and roasted garlic.
Blended the whole mess. I thought it was going to be
ugly. But it wasn't really. It was chestnut brown. And
very good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really use recipes, except when I bake. I pulled
out <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0517222493/qid=1074576217//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i0_xgl14/002-9724929-3685607?v=glance&s=books&n=507846">this
favorite muffin book</a> the other day. And now I'm
a muffin baking girl. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="219">
<tr>
<td width="213">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">3/4
C white flour</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">3/4
C wheat flour</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">1/4
C sugar</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">2
teaspoons baking powder</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">1/4
teaspoon salt</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">1
egg</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">1/2
C milk</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">2
Tablespoons melted butter</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">C
blueberries</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">mix
the dry</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">mix
the wet</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">mix
them together</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">add
the berries</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:8pt;">bake
@ 375 for 15 to 20 minutes</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I still get too many apples and pears. So I make apple
pear sauce every Monday. Which is just cutting up which
ever ones are left from last week, putting them in a
pan with a little bit of water. Cook em. Blend em. Or
just mash em. It's always a little bit different.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listened to some <a href="http://www.npr.org/politics/">NPR</a>
for news from Iowa. Ate my soup. Read some blogs. It
took me all day. But I am sitting here. I am hitting
the keys. I am writing something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I duuno. I duuno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
listening <a href="http://www.lucindawilliams.com/home.html">to</a>
<a href="http://www.alennox.net/relaunch.html">some</a>
<a href="http://www.furnitureforthepeople.com/newcd.htm">new</a>
<a href="http://www.begoodtanyas.com/begood.php?loc=albums">music</a>.
I didn't want to like Nora Jones. But I was Cheryl's
for dinner once and she was playing <a href="http://www.norahjones.com/discs/comeaway_link.htm">the
disc</a> and I liked it. I really do like it. Yep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a book on crochet stitches that I borrowed from
Renee. I'm going to try to learn something new.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like I should say something about Martin. I usually
do. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="129">
<tr>
<td width="123">
<p><img src="MLK.jpg" width="126" height="173" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love you Martin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure what I'm doing here. Again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(807)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_807"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:09
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">One
forgets that when he wrote the Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu
was speaking to a king. Isn't that strange? - Sparrow</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e507" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e507"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e507"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
stumbling around the blog world, I found <a href="http://barlow.typepad.com/barlowfriendz/2004/01/is_spalding_gra.html#more">two</a> <a href="http://barlow.typepad.com/barlowfriendz/2004/01/coda.html">posts</a>
about Spaulding Gray. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about how abstract the news of Spaulding
would be for me if I weren't still thinking about my
dad. I was cleaning the back room and found some photos
my mom sent to me. Pictures from their wedding day.
Pictures of an event that should be treasured. They
both look so young. Three years later, I was born. Three
months later, they were separated. Their story ended
as mine began. Mom married Ken. Dad was married five
more times. (That I know of.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my better moments I think my father gave me a kind of
freedom. In my not so better moments I think he gave
me an absence so enormous that it swallows me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh,
you know. We pay our money and we take our chance. It
is what is. It only means what we want it to mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
oh my. The darkness does expand sometimes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kurt
wrote <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000498.html#000498">some
thoughts</a> about suicide the other day. And then,
because he such a thoughtful man, he wrote <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000500.html#000500">some
more</a>. Tonio, another thoughtful man, responded in
the comments and <a href="http://savoradin.com/2004_01_01_archive.html#107459699415144315">wrote
more</a> on his own blog. Amazing men. I'm lucky to
be able to read them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
go. They are gone. And we who are still here work to
fill the space. People ask me how I am. I say, I'm fine.
Because. I am. Or it seems like I should be. And I know
I will be. I fill my day up with job searching, muffin
baking, crochet practice, cleaning. And now I blog in
the evening. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
floundering. My confidence is down. I feel the edges
of my skin. The limits of my abilities. The absence.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been in a number of conversations about the relationships
in my father's family. The threads that bind us together
seem so frail to me sometimes. An argument. A slight.
A feeling of irreconcilable difference and we move apart.
But we turn and there it is. That thread. That worn
thread. Connecting our story lines. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I was trying to catch up on blog reading and I
saw <a href="http://savoradin.com/2004_01_01_archive.html#107422602563920447">another
post</a> by Tonio in which he said such lovely things
about me. I'm lucky enough to have read lovely things
said about me on blogs. It always makes my heart swell.
I remember every time. But reading his acknowledgement
of me, just then, felt like healing. Like being seen
at a moment when I needed to be seen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Pretty
amazing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
hearts.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's after midnight. So I guess I'm blogging in the
morning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(808)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_808"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:03
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><a id="e508" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e508"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e508"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought I had a crochet breakthrough. I was talking
to Ari about not being able to read patterns and I found
one for a baby hat that I thought I could follow. It
took six starts to get going but it seemed like it was
taking shape. After an hour I had a hat that would give
a Barbie doll a migraine. I kept working with it. It
looks like one finger for a glove. I guess I'll try
again. After my fingers stop cramping. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
stitches are tight. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kara
sent me a job listing. I spent three hours writing a
cover letter. This for a job I'm not even sure I want.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ai.
Yi. Yi. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
It's 10:00 and I'm yawning. Maybe I'll be able to sleep.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(809)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_809"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:51
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e509" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2003.htm#e509"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e509"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
is kind of packed with import.
It's <a href="http://www.chineseparade.com/">Chinese
New Year.</a> The Year of the
Monkey. Every once in a while
I hear firecrackers going off.
Sonia said it was good luck
to eat noodles. So I did. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">Mary</a>
blogged <a href="http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html">Free
Will Astrology</a> so I checked
mine. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="648">
<tr>
<td width="642">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The Chinese Year of the Monkey begins this week. According to astrologer </span></font><A
class=red href="http://www.chineseastrology.com"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Shelly Wu</span></font></A><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> , it will be
"rich in the unexpected," tweaking everyone's concept of what's normal. Ruses,
half-truths, and tricks will proliferate, turning the whole year into an
extended balancing act. Is anyone likely to thrive? Wu suggests it'll be those
with agile intelligence, frisky imagination, and an affinity for risk and
novelty. Sounds to me like she's describing the Gemini tribe. Are you ready to
be a leader and role model for the rest of us? </span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Just
give me a minute to figure that
risk and novelty part out.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
the thirty year anniversary
of Row V Wade. I turned
on CSPAN this morning and there
was the March for Life. I thought
I'd watch for a minute or two.
I always think it's a good idea
to watch things that challenge
me. A philosophy that did
not extend to the State of the
Union. I couldn't bear to listen
to that. And as it turned out,
I couldn't listen to much of
the March for Life. Right when
I tuned in they were rewarding
young women who had written
essays. I was struck by that.
I couldn't stop watching them.
Wondering about their essays.
But then there was a lot of
hate filled rhetoric which included
bashing Gay marriage. This evening
CSPAN is showing the <a href="http://www.naral.org/">NARAL</a>
dinner. Easier to watch. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a lot to worry about in the
world. Maybe I need to eat more
noodles. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke feeling tired but ready.
Lighter. Can't explain it. Then
I had a weird conversation with
someone and got fussy. It seemed
like it should be easy to shake
off. But. No. I drifted into
a zone. On a day of import the
action I came up with was to
eat noodles.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
a few commercials that I really
do not understand. Like there's
one in which we watch a car
driving around. And people wave
at it. And some fairly nice
music is playing. The words
in the song are about having
a beautiful face. At the end
of the commercial we see that
there is a young boy in the
back seat of the car. Waving.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
what is that about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
that about trying to get us
to believe that the company
thinks our children are more
beautiful than their cars? And
so we should buy their cars
because they're so nice? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not the worst thing in the world.
But I swear, there is so little
direct communication. Like,
we make really good cars, please
buy them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
thinks it's good that commercials
confuse me. I guess. Maybe it's
my frisky imagination.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(810)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_810"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:05
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<DIV id=middle><DIV class=posts>
<P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Contrary
to what many of you might imagine, a career
in letters is not without it's drawbacks --
chief among them the unpleasant fact that one
is frequently called upon to sit down and write.
- Fran Lebowitz</span></font></P></DIV>
</DIV>
<p align="justify"><a id="e510" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e510"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e510"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Jeez. The last few days have been a drag. I crashed.
Manic. Frustrated. Unable to focus. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sonia
reminded me that the deadline <a href="http://www.aroomofherown.org/application.htm">for
a grant</a> is coming up. I need to write two essays
for it. I tried to calm myself down and write. I also
did some laundry, baked some banana muffins, changed
the sheets on the bed, pretty much anything but write.
I managed two and a half pages.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Finally
I got in bed with some old issue of <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The
Sun.</a> The <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/november2003.html">November
issue</a> was all about writing. There was an interview
with Natalie Goldberg (which you can download) and a
story about a woman who won a literary award. And then
a short story about a guy who goes to be with his mother
while she is dying (also a download) which I found disturbing.
In part because it's more about the person who is not
dying. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like it's been a long time of things being not
... uh ... good. Good isn't the right word. I'm sick
of writing about it. I'm sick of thinking about it.
I'm sick of feeling it. But. What are ya gonna do? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really hate it when I don't write. Can't write. Find
it hard to read. It's been awhile since I was this shut
down. It's been awhile since I've found myself just
stuck in off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I pushed myself to work on an essay and I could feel
the blood flowing back into my brain. A little
bit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
morning I think about what to write here and for a few
days I have just drawn a blank. I thought I might write
about hearing Michael talking about his <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/index.php?messageDate=2004-01-14">support
for Wesley Clark</a>. Ralph Nader last time and now
Wesley Clark? Hmmm. We are desperate, aren't we? It's
not like I'm immune. I heard some poll that said
Kerry could beat Bush and my first thought was - fine,
then I'll vote for him. There's no doubt that the need
to get Bush out of office is big. But watching the process
is disturbing. The first thing a candidate has
to be is electable. Not honest, intelligent, informed,
engaged ... electable. And electability is a guessing
game based on projection and fear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
tired. And I need to push. And. Oh well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep making lists of the reasons why it's OK that I'm
so down. And lists of what I have to accept. And lists
of what I need to confront. And lists of the things
I can do. And lists of the reasons why it all hurts
and feels too hard. And lists of things I can do to
feel better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Possibility.
I need to believe in possibility. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(811)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_811"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:23
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e511" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e511"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e511"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Language
woke me up. The body too, of
course, with it's early morning
needs. But I got back in bed
thinking that I'd sleep some
more and my mind filled up.
The language pressing on me.
Get to the page. Get to the
page. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
may be because I spent
most of yesterday writing the
essays for the grant. It was
a struggle and at one point
I felt like I had a word jumble
on the page. One that I couldn't
sort. But Renee came over. We
went out for dinner one last
time before she goes back to
school. When I came back to
the apartment I worked on the
writing and I think it's OK.
I have a few more things to
write and then I can put it
in the mail. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never read the <a href="http://www.nataliegoldberg.com/">Natalie
Goldberg book</a> but I think
I've read parts of it, or heard
people talk about it. <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/november2003.html">The
Sun interview</a> is interesting
and downloadable, which I think
is so cool and generous. <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The
Sun</a> is always struggling
to survive and I think it's
amazing that they're making
so much of their content available.
For free. I'm not sure if it
was Natalie who put out this
idea of writing morning pages
but she talks about it in the
interview. She wakes up and
writes for a while. By hand.
She says it's important to do
some writing by hand. I've been
trying to ritualize some writing
by hand for a while now without
success. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marya
used to talk about writing off
the dross. I watched her pound
away at computer keys and the
click on delete. It scared me.
The writing comes so hard to
me. That's not always true.
But it's true often enough.
I want to save it all. But I
think they're talking about
developing some muscle tone
with the process of being a
writer. And it is my experience
that when I am writing every
day it comes to me. Wakes me
up. Drives me to the task. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a relief. Really. And after
I get this stuff in the mail
I need to find the next thing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Strangely
enough my desk is also clean.
Sometimes when I write things
get really out of hand. When
Mom and Ken were here the apartment
got trashy. And I've been working
on it in little bits. Slowly.
And it's coming together. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have on this pair of sock. They
don't match. their original
partners are long gone to sock
heaven. My toe is sticking out
of one of them. They both have
holes. I'm not sure why I keep
putting them back in the laundry.
It seems like it might be time
to let them go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Remember <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e494">
the plant</a>? It now has three
shiny little green leaves. And <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2003.htm#e433">the
mouse</a>. I haven't seen the mouse in long awhile.
Either it's gone or it's gotten really good at hiding.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deep
breath. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(812)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_812"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:13
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e512" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e512"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e512"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did most of the writing for the grant and thought all
I had left was going to go fast. But it took me another
whole day. I may not be as focused as one oughta be.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I get too tense I space out with game after game of
<a href="http://www.spider-solitaire.net/spider-solitaire-about.htm">spider
solitaire</a>. I will play the same game over and over
until I win. It's terrible for my wrist. But I love
the feeling when I figure it out. I was playing a game
yesterday that I really didn't think I could win. It
was just too tangled. And then I figured it out. I swear.
It seemed like a good sign. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
award won't be announced till June so I need to let
it go and keep moving. And I don't have a lot of confidence
about it. But there was some kind of turn around in
the doing. It feels like my head has cleared. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just got an e-mail about a job. They've already filled
the position. I'm not even feeling bad about it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just such a mystery. I'm never sure if my approach to
emotional process is good. I just go for the ride. I
feel what I feel until I don't feel it. And with difficult
emotions - anger, grief, shame - it's hard to relax.
The desire for them to go away is big. And one day -
they do. Some things are cyclical. They come in wave.
I just know that when it does move and I do feel better
... I really feel better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We'll
see how it goes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been a terrible blogger lately. Not reading everyone
often enough. Not commenting when I do. And my own writing
seems tired. Imagine my surprise when I took the <a href="http://quizilla.com/users/kennethk/quizzes/What%20kind%20of%20blogger%20are%20you%3F/">what
kind of blogger are you</a> quiz (via <a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/">Rana</a>) and
found out I am the verbal virtuose. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="96">
<tr>
<td width="90">
<p><a href="http://quizilla.com/cgi-bin/result/result.pl"><img src="1067368500_writer.jpg" width="125" height="100" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
Well. Maybe someday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
<a href="http://quizilla.com/users/belladonnalin/quizzes/Which%20Western%20feminist%20icon%20are%20you%3F/">it
turns out</a> (via <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">Ms
Lauren</a>) I'm Angela Davis. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="197">
<tr>
<td width="191">
<p><a href="http://quizilla.com/cgi-bin/result/result.pl"><img src="1063932333_turesdavis.gif" width="203" height="215" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
makes me excessively proud. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(813)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_813"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:38
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e513" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e513"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e513"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are so many books out there.
It's just overwhelming. Overwhelming
because I want to read so many
of them. And overwhelming because
I have one that I want to toss
into the fray. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
awareness of how many books there are has been peaked
by reading the pile of magazines. I <a href="http://www.harpers.org/">subscribe</a>
<a href="http://www.msmagazine.com/">to</a> <a href="http://www.bitchmagazine.com/">a</a>
<a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">few</a> <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/">and</a>
they pile up. I reluctantly stopped subscribing to <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/">The
New Yorker</a> because that pile was too too much. I
still buy an issue now and again. All of these magazines
have ads for new books. Or articles by people who have
written books. I got a copy of <a href="http://www.bookmagazine.com/">Book</a>
because I was interested in an <a href="http://www.bookmagazine.com/issue31/morrison.shtml">article
about Toni Morrison.</a> And I have the last copy of
<a href="http://www.readerville.com/[email protected]@journal.html">Readerville</a>
because Kristina gave it to me. I was looking at them
last night and ooooohhhhh shit! There are SO MANY BOOKS!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
a little panic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(814)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_814"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:11
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e514" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e514"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e514"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">SHIT!
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just posted about the mouse. I thought the little guy
had gone away because I hadn't seen it for a long time.
Yesterday I smelled something bad in my kitchen. I couldn't
track it down. Today I realized it was coming from the
little green house mouse trap. The humane mouse trap.
The little green house that they go in and then you
take them outside and release them. THE MOUSE WAS IN
THERE!!! DEAD!!! I'm a complete failure at humane mouse
catching!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(815)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_815"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:37
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e515" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e515"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e515"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
something I keep thinking about. I haven't seen the
movie <a href="http://www.monsterfilm.com/">Monster</a>.
I have heard the uproar over Charleze <strike>Tilton</strike> Theron.
And I
don't want to comment about acting I haven't seen. But
I can't help but wonder if part of the reason she is
getting so much praise is because she was able to pass
for average and return to her glory as one of the beautiful.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want to see the film. And I want to see the documentary
about <a href="http://www.nickbroomfield.com/AWLD.html">Aileen
Wuornos</a>. Aileen's story is complicated. Laden with
abuse and cruelty. I don't think that justifies the
person she became but I think it's important to understand
her life in context. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.monsterfilm.com/cast/theron.html">Charleze
Tilton</a> <strike>Theron</strike> gained thirty pounds for the role. They gave
her makeup so that she would look weathered. She wore
something in her mouth to make her look more like Aileen
and the resemblance is remarkable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Think
about it. Thirty pounds some skin care and braces. What
difference might that have made? Not mention parenting,
education and a life in which she understood her sexuality
as her own and not a means of exchange. Something in
me resents the fact that some weight loss, washing off
the makeup and taking out the mouth piece brings a woman
back to the prize circle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not that simple. Not much is. But it's in the mix. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cleis
is <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/archives/000296.html">wondering
about Kerry</a> and beauty and electablity. I am wondering
if we are ever gonna wake up from this airbrushed dream
of what we look like. I am wondering if beauty is more
valuable than gold. I am wondering if awards are given
to people who can betray beauty and then return unscathed.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(816)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_816"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:21
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e516" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2004.htm#e516"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">January</font></a><a id="e516"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
while ago Ms. had <a href="http://www.msmagazine.com/mar03/index.asp">a
cover</a> on which there were four women with t-shirts
that said:This is what a feminist looks like. I call
it the celebrity cover. I don't have a lot of criticism
for Ms. in terms of cover art. I'm not even that critical
of this one. But when I look at it I always wish there
were more people on it. The four women are cool enough.
I'm not lovin Whoopi pushing the diet product. And she
had an episode of her show in which a fat man breaks
a bed in her hotel and then sues her. She gets to tell
the fat man to get real and lose weight. It's an irreverent
show in general. But. It's just always hard to take
that kind of thing from someone who you like. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it isn't about bad covers and it isn't about the people
on the cover. It's just the celebrity thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I'm thinking about in part because I just put the magazine
away after having on a pile in my bedroom for the last
two weeks. And in part because of all the comments about
actors and beauty and what does it all say about who
we are?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm in that kind of mood having spent the day reading
and cleaning and listening to music and thinking. It's
nice to have the time to think. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I had a conversation with mom about my financial
situation. Which is not good and worse than I actually
tell her about.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
shit. I have to find a job.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(817)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_817"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:16
PM</font></font></p>
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