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<title>January</title>
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<P>January</P>
<p><FONT face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" color=#333333 size=2>There
are years when nothing happens and years in which
centuries happen. -
Carlos Fuentes </FONT>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
1 2002 10:06AM</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">2002.
Is that a palindrome? </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
not much into New Years resolutions. It seems like I make resolutions
all year. For example, I keep trying to write in the
off line journal. I have a thought that handwriting is different
from typing and it's important to do it. But, my hand writing
is so bad. And I need to get back on the exercise thing. I was
all wound up about cleaning the apartment before Christmas and
it's in pretty good shape. I hadn't been able to open the windows
because of a few days of rain. Yesterday I had them all open. So,
I guess I am resolved.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
Marilyn took me shopping and then I made us some pasta. We drank
some champagne and pulled cards for the year. I got the two
of cups. Yippee! Rick & Renee
came over for a bit. We looked at the <a href="http://www.pickpocketensemble.com" target="_blank">Pickpocket
Ensembl</a>e site. Marilyn said that my groovy link font isn't
showing up on her computer. Arg. I have much to learn.
</span></font></p>
<p> <font face="Footlight MT Light">I stayed up till midnight
watching TV. It was noisy in my neighborhood. I'm close to the
pier so there were lots of folks wandering around to see the
fireworks.</font></p>
<font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com" target="_blank">Willa</a>'s
has this on her site today and I loved it. </span></font>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> "May your 2002 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read
some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't to
forget make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can.
And I hope, somewhere in 2002, you surprise yourself." - <a href="http://www.neilgaiman.com/journal/journal.asp" target="_blank">Neil Gaiman</a></span></font>
</p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And
she had a link to <a href="http://www.innerlinks.com/picker.html" target="_blank">Angel Cards. </a>I got power. Yippee,
again.</span></font></p>
<p><img src="46.jpg" width="225" height="88" border="0"></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
2 2002 9:16AM </span></font>
</P>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"> I spent hugely
frustrating morning, yesterday, trying to add a </font><i><font face="Footlight MT Light">smart
button (</font></i><font face="Footlight MT Light">picture me
cringing at the term) to my site. It all started when Marilyn
told me that she couldn't see my font on her computer. I read
all kinds of stuff on the site for my WYSIWYG software (Namo)
and it suggested that fonts might show up if they're on a banner
or button. Something about the smart button converting the font
into an image. Ahha. So, if you look in the left corner you may
see a blank space. That's where the smart button would be if
it was smart enough to be there, or if I was smart enough to
get it show up! Man this kind of thing just works my nerves.
It's the problem with being self taught and having a barge ahead
approach. </font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="147">
<tr>
<td width="141"> <p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/current.html" target="_blank"><img src="alteredth.jpg" width="137" height="137" border="0"></a></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">I made myself a sandwich
with chicken, artichoke, sun dried tomato sausage on pane campagna with
watercress, (my version of a hot dog) and did more web rambling
to comfort myself. Click on the above image to see what I found.
For every goofy blah blah journal I find - I find one of these.
<a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/current.html" target="_blank">Reconstructed
mind</a>. How could I not read that?! The above is only a corner;
you need to check out the site to see it all. Do read the <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/holiday1.html" target="_blank">travelogue</a>.
Spent hours following her <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/others.html" target="_blank">links</a>.
</font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">One click too many and I
got hung up in a long, annoying download of a Bonzi buddy -
(don't ask, suffice it to say that I now have an odd little
purple gorilla on my desk top who talks)- and something about
the download made the browser crash if I tried to jump from
the links. I gave up, made a latte and was going to start reading...and
then...the download was finished and I had to deal with ...my
new buddy. </font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="144">
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<td width="138">
<p><img src="bbvine.gif" width="130" height="105" border="0"></p>
</td>
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<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">Right now it makes me laugh,
but I imagine it will get old, fast.</font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">I published a <a href="Daughter%20of%20Revolution.htm">paper</a>
that I wrote last semester. I've been shy about doing this.
I don't know why. I mean ... publishing .... that's the point.
Right? </font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">Renee surprised me by coming
over to do more college apps. We stayed up till 1:00, she applying,
me reading. This morning, I was rudely awakened by a telemarketer
for MCI. I try to be polite, because I figure no one says, "
Gee, I'd like to be a telemarketer when I grow up!" But
SHE WOKE ME UP!! Grrrrrrrr.</font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
3 2002 9:06AM </span></font>
</P>
<table align="center" border="0" width="192">
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<td width="186">
<p><a href="http://fried-spaghetti.com/" target="_blank"><img src="greenbeans-010102.jpg" width="187" height="156" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> There
is so much talent on the web. The beans are another site link
to another amazing<a href="http://fried-spaghetti.com/jnl/current.html" target="_blank">
journal</a>-writing photo-taking web grrrrl. I wrote to ask
her permission to use the photo ( because I thought it was sooooo
cool) and she wrote back and was warm
and friendly and said nice things about my site. (picture me
in a deep blush) So, my tip-toeing into the fray of on line
community has been not so scary. A perfect stranger saw my site
and didn't threaten to send the content police. I don't think
I'm in the <a href="http://www.hedgehog.net/op/" target="_blank">Open
Pages</a> ring yet. I may not have done everything I need to
do. And I got e-mail from bobbi @ <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/" target="_blank">Reconstructed
Mind</a> OK-ing the use of her art, yesterday. Also sweet. No scary monsters, yet. I added <a href="http://internetbrothers.com/aortal/" target="_blank">aorta</a>l
and <a href="http://jenett.org/ageless/" target="_blank">ageless</a>. </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">
Aortal comes from <a href="http://internetbrothers.com/" target="_blank">The
Internet Brothers.</a> I been frightened when reading
the "rules" for different rings but these guys were
so welcoming. </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I just think
the artistry of these sites is amazing. I struggle with my WYSIWYG
software to eek out the page. The more I do it the more I think
I should learn HTML. And then there's CSS! I keep seeing new
things, like people are adding colors to their scroll bars.
How do they do that? I'm sure once school starts I'll be reabsorbed
into busy ness. Time drifts while I jump from link to link.
Yesterday I snapped out of the click stupor to make lunch and
thought ...what was I doing before I started to redesign my
site....OH yeah, I was writing a book. sigh. I will work on
that ... tomorrow.</font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">The <a href="http://www.namo.com" target="_blank">Namo</a>
guy sent me e-mail today so (perhaps) the hole in the left hand
corner will be filled with a lovely button by the time anyone
reads this. It seemed that a subdirectory folder was created
for my images. Who knew? And I still don't know if that solved
the problem of the font.</font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">It occurred
to me that I do need to make a resolution: DRINK MORE WATER.
It's another thing I resolve to do about fifty times a year.
</font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
4 2002 8:44AM </span></font>
</P>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">It
happened again. Three hours of web reading. Link to link to
link. Just one more. It's soooooooo amazing. It's clear that
many of the sites are done by <a href="http://www.grownmencry.com/" target="_blank">professionals</a>.
They have a glossy, perfect thing going. And lots of sites are
done with templates( or seem to be). Some are <a href="http://www.dollarshort.org/" target="_blank">artier</a>.
Some of my favorites are the ones that seem average. But the
word is a little worrisome. Because it does not mean lesser,
but the sites where a mother is talking about raising her kids,
or someone puts up their Walgreen's shopping list, or just babbles
about their day really make me smile. When I got a computer
I had no idea how to find these things. And my little purple
gorilla is an example of why. He came with a start page, when
I sign on I now begin with his version of the best of the web.
It's all about shopping. Even when I search for something I
get buy stuff sites first. So, when I first got on line, I remember staring at the screen,
thinking ...where is all the cool stuff. Then Jeane sent me
an article about her friend Micki's friend, <a href="http://www.willa.com" target="_blank">Willa</a>
and her on line journal. I used her <a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/index.shtml" target="_blank">blog</a>
as a jump off point. But, by then I was in school and running
a new business and had no time. Connecting to <a href="http://internetbrothers.com/aortal/" target="_blank">aortal</a>
and <a href="http://jenett.org/ageless/" target="_blank">ageless</a>
was the beginning of my current mania. Some of the sites give
me waves of insecurity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Finally
got it together to go see Barbara. Phew. My back is so much
better, thank you very much! Had lunch with Renee, came home
and surrendered to the overwhelming urge to nap. This happens
to me sometimes after an adjustment. Especially when I wait
too long and allow my back to redefine the most extreme definition
of misaligned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
worked on <a href="rdoor.htm">refrigerator door</a>. I did not
work on my book. sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And
then I just had to go on line ...one more time...and I was reading
a page, at the bottom of which was a thing about only pussies
using HTML editors. When you click on the word pussies a sound
file downloads that says, people who use HTML editors are pussies
over and over. Ouch.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
shut everything down. Did the dishes. Grabbed<a href="http://www.bitchmagazine.com/" target="_blank">
Bitch</a>, which I had just received in the mail, and went to
bed to read. I was feeling kinda not good enough. But, then,
of course I got cranky. I take issue with the use of the word
pussy as a pejorative. I think the sound file down load is a
bit mean spirited. And I had to remind myself that when I first
claimed the domain name I had no idea what I was gonna do with
it. Then I experimented with the journal and got hooked. But
it was about writing. Writing in a public space. The design
part was fun but I just wanted to get it out there! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Of
course the public space thing is ...true and not true. If no
one knows you're on the web, no one reads you. I've been shy
about it. I have a few friends that read me and write to tell
me when they like something or what they think about something
that I write but now I'm trying to take the risk to be ... out
there, a little more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
admire everyone who knows HTML and I've always felt like I need
to work on it, especially when I can't make things work the
way I want them to (notice the still gaping hole in the top
left) but ...mostly...I want to write. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
5 2002 8:52AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Still
fuming. I guess if I knew HTML and was writing my page in code
...I'd be arrogant. I just hope I wouldn't be mean. I am clearly
obsessing. And I'm clearly cranky and yes, hormones are involved.
I will have to take up the challenge though. There are a number
of HTML tutorials on line. I went to bed last night clutching
an old Web Pages for Dummies book. Dummies books are so annoying,
my mood did not improve. I'm going to begin a HTML project.
And then when school starts and I'm buried in reading and writing...I'll
ignore it. hehheh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
have a if-you're-going-to-do-something-do-it-right thing. I
guess I do think the folks that write HTML are cooler. sigh.
But I really have to keep remembering that my purpose to write.
It's loopy. What's the right way? I'm getting it done. That
must count for something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">In
all this surfing I've noticed how body obsessed people are.
The diet industry is making hay in the resolution frenzy. It's
all over the television. Diet products that REALLY work. Uhhuh.
The crazy notions of beauty and our
inability to measure up. It all makes me cranky. ( gee...so
many, many reasons to be cranky) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/" target="_blank">Bobbi</a>
did <a href="http://www.cobaltika.com/fragment.html" target="_blank">this</a>
fantastic on line self portrait project. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I made pretty
great potato soup with some Yukon golds. They're such good potatoes!
All I did was boil them, saute some shallots and celery, blend
it all together with chicken stock. I didn't even use salt,
just a little pepper. Suzanne came over and we had the soup
and a salad with mandarin oranges and asparagus. Yum. </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I went to
bed early-ish but couldn't sleep so I got up and read more Mandela.
I'm almost done. He is really one of those people that can make
three decades of prison sound like a self improvement seminar.
Which is not to say that he doesn't tell the truth about the
dehumanizing qualities but he talks about "the struggle",
the process of chipping away at repression, even in prison.
He talks about character and revolution, inside and outside.
I was dismayed when he came out in support of the war. This
week he made a statement that he didn't mean to say he wasn't
in solidarity with the people of Afghanistan. He never has been
a Pacifist, thought he clearly is someone who prefers to use
reason and dialogue to elicit social change. The book is full
of his contemplations about things. He wishes he could have
been a better son, father, husband, and had a work-a-day life.
But he is unflinching about "the struggle." </font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
6 2002 8:54AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Another
rude awakening. I decided to work on the site with my laptop
and it turns out that the groovey font didn't show up on my
laptop. It only shows up on my desk top because I have
it ... I guess. And there were other problems that I saw on
the lap top. I got e-mail from Namo about how to try and make
the button work but I'm tired of seeing the big hole ... so
I redid the links. I'll work with the new info later.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
watched GI JANE last night. (Yes, I was that tired.) While I
was watching it I thought about the people-who-use-web-editors-are-pussies
thing. (Yes I am that obsessive.) The movie is ...kinda...interesting.
It talks about notion of gender in a few ways. For example,
there is a scene in which the idea that men coming back in body
bags is one thing but women ( read: mothers, sisters, daughters)
is another. Those definitions are descriptions of relationships.
Not all women are mothers or sisters. As for daughters...the
movie asks, aren't sons as valuable? I'm paraphrasing. And the
movie mentions that it wasn't that long ago when blacks were
relegated to service jobs in the military. But the main theme
is ...will a woman be able to hang tough? Now, obviously, women
can hang tough. I was in the restaurant business when there
weren't that many women. And that was what I always had to prove.
I had to prove that I would hang tough. I would work ridiculously
long hours of physically demanding work, ignore pain, hunger,
illness, and if I needed a break ... I'd smoke or drink. And
I did. And in rock and roll there was a certain amount of being
willing to tolerate sexism. I was lucky to work with some great
guys but there were times when I suppose to accept jokes, or
attitudes about women. And I did. I guess there will be women
that prove themselves in the world of men on their terms. But
the whole cruel, dominator thing is so (as Suzanne says) retro.
Ironically, the person who used pussy as a pejorative
was a women. And some of the nicest, most welcoming people I've
read lately have been <a href="http://internetbrothers.com/" target="_blank">men</a>.
Gender stuff is so complex and the movie is the same basic plot
line as Top Gun with scenes of Demi working out, reminiscent
of Flash Dance. It's not exactly a great film. But it was interesting
and did spark all this thought. I realize that I've been
totally reacting to this old stuff. I need to TAKE A BREATH.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
going swimming.</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
7 2002 8:54AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
think swimming might be the path to god. Really.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And
swimming with the fat chicks is extra fun. We went to lunch
at a Greek restaurant and the Marilyn and I went to <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/" target="_blank">Tower</a>, where
I committed yet another in a long line of fiscally irresponsible
crimes. I knew <a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/rickie-lee-jones.htm" target="_blank">Ricki Lee Jones </a>had a new disc out, it turned
out she had two. So, I bought them both...AND I got <a href="http://64.78.45.52/default.cfm" target="_blank">Stay Human</a>
and <a href="http://www.begoodtanyas.com" target="_blank">Blue Horse</a>. AND <a href="http://www.cornelwest.com/" target="_blank">Cornell West's</a>, <a href="http://www.artemisrecords.com/cornelwest_bio.asp" target="_blank">Sketches of my Culture</a>.
So bad. But it made me so happy. I came home and ripped em.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.internationalanswer.org" target="_blank">International
Answer</a> has a site
with details on their anti-war demonstration plans. I was
listening to Cornell West on CSPAN yesterday morning before
we went swimming. He talked about making a distinction between the
institutions, like racism, the military, war and the individuals,
like the soldiers. I hear lots of war like language in the peace
movement. I heard one guy talking about the movement becoming
militant. Odd word choice. There is
a feeling of urgency in the movement. Understandably. I don't
support the war. But, I'm trying to find a way to contain the
opinions of people who do. Which is to say that I want to be
able to listen, present my argument and allow for possibility.
Which of course I means I need to be able to articulate my opinion.
Bush made a statement about this year being a war year. Of,
course his disability with language will no doubt be legendary.
I am not willing to have a war year, ever. And I want to be
conscious of language. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/" target="_blank">Democracy
Now</a> is back on the <a href="http://www.pacifica.org/" target="_blank">Pacifica</a>
airwaves. Hallelujah! Oddly, not live on WBAI. Antics!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I've
noticed on some <a href="http://internetbrothers.com/aortal/" target="_blank">aortal</a>
sites there is a link for the day, so I'm going to try to do
that. I like to include the links in my entry but I'm going
to try both. <a href="http://www.focus.co.yu/" target="_blank">This</a>
link comes from one of the aortal guys, <a href="http://internetbrothers.org/" target="_blank">Jeffrey
Clark</a>. It's the site for Andrija Ilic, a photographer from
Belgrade, Serbia. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Last
night on <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/thepractice/episodes/2001-02/10.html" target="_blank">The
Practice</a> a handsome man told a fat woman that he was attracted
to her. What a revolution. Of course there were problems. He's
married, a DA, involved in a case on which she was working.
But the beautiful <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/thepractice/episodes/2001-02/10.html" target="_blank">Camryn</a>
</span></font><img src="tprac_bio_manheim_thumb.gif" width="35" height="35" border="0">
<font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">got to deliver a rockin speech about fat women. Hallelujah again.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light">"There are multibillion dollar industries invested in our hating our bodies, our
faces, our wrinkles-this self-hatred is enormously profitable." -</font><FONT face="Footlight MT Light,Times Roman">Camryn Manheim</FONT><P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
8 2002 8:15AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
had a sort of dyslexic day. Went shopping first and defrosted
the refrigerator, while the groceries sat in a cooler bag. I
resent having to defrost the refrigerator. I mean, it's the
millennium. It always takes so long. I bought all kinds of good
food but I ate <a href="http://www.benjerry.com/" target="_blank">Ben & Jerry</a>'s and pretzels. I blame
the defrosting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
<a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/bdsupvrs/" target="_blank">board</a>
is back from the holiday. And they all seem cranky and contentious.
There were a few interpersonal skirmishes. People were interrupting
each other. And <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2002/01/07/MN239484.DTL" target="_blank">Gavin
Newsom</a> wants to fingerprint the homeless. He's whacked.
He did outline a somewhat comprehensive plan for services but it
includes a centralized admission point into city services where
folks would be fingerprinted. It seems an inevitable sense of
criminalization would ensue. If you're a family, down on your
luck and your first step into the system is fingerprinting...imagine
how that would feel. I mean why don't we just sew patches on
their coats that read failure. He wants to outlaw panhandling. It's the </span>Giuliani<span style="font-size:12pt;">
school of cleaning up the problem rather than handling it. Out
of sight/ out of mind. There
is a <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2001/11/04/MN238318.DTL" target="_blank">ramp
up</a> of support in our not-really-a-news-paper. They quote
a preponderance of folks who resent the homeless. Ironically,
there were also taxi cab drivers at the board meeting for a
different reason. They were there to say that because things
are so bad, in terms of tourism, they aren't making enough money
to pay their rent and may end up homeless. I mean, the economy
is terrible and he picks this time to launch an attack, and
yes, I feel like it is an attack, on the people who are least
able to sustain themselves. It's mean spirited and political.
He wants to be the mayor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
link for today comes from <a href="http://www.dollarshort.org/days/" target="_blank">dollars
short</a>. It's the Tin Tin site! I guess it's a commercial
site but it's just so cool!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Rick
brought me a disc of <a href="http://www.arcofilms.com/amalia/" target="_blank">Amalia
Rodrigues</a> and one of <a href="http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/jj.html" target="_blank">Julio
Jaramillo</a> music. I'm loaded with tunes! I must be so cute!
I mean picture me dancing around my living room with Michael
Franti jammin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> I
got two great e-mails yesterday, feeding back from the site.
Made me feel better about the whole not-the-best-designer-ever
thing. But I still need to work on my button issue. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
went to bed early to read <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679455876&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">The
Way Forward Is with a Broken Heart</a></span></font><font face="Bernhard Modern Roman"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679455876&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank"> </a>.
</span></font><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">At
first I wasn't liking the book but then I noticed I was completely
hooked on the story. But, I just get thrown off when people
who are clearly writing about their lives call it fiction. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Now...
I gotta do the laundry. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">19
2002 8:53AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">OMIGOD.
I'm so amazed. I figured it out. I figured out how to use the
font. Marilyn said something about turning a font into an image
in Adobe and that got me thinking. So, I went into Paint, matched
the color of my background, took that into Adobe, put on the
font and TADA! Of course the background isn't matching exactly
...and now that I've done it, I don't love the font any more.
It took on this rough quality somewhere in the transition. But,
it works..sorta. Of course now...my mind is reeling with ideas
and the idea of downloading more cool fonts is way more appealing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I've
been hyper about waking up early. I mean I never sleep past
8:30 but that seems so late. I prefer waking up around 7:00.
I was tired all last week. I couldn't get out of bed in the
morning and I took naps. This week I seem to have my energy
back but this morning I woke up at 6:30. That's too early. So,
I drifted in and out, following dream threads until almost 8.
I don't know why this is so important to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> My
desk top buddy hasn't been bugging me. Once or twice a
day he tells me a joke or something. But he decided to tell
me there was a free upgrade available and took the bait. Now he alerts me to news
updates. They come from <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/default.asp" target="_blank">MSNBC</a>
so it's not the best news source, but I thought it might be cool.
In the middle of the day yesterday, he tells me something about the
Justice Department rounding up men of <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/683802.asp#BODY" target="_blank">Middle
Eastern</a> decent. Where, I wonder are they going to put them?
I know people are scared and angry and hurt but this is just
not OK. This morning I read <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2002/01/09/MN155135.DTL" target="_blank">this</a>.
What was that thing about nothing to fear except fear itself?
</span></font></p>
<div align="left">
<table border="0" width="370">
<tr>
<td width="84" height="204">
<p><a href="http://hereisnewyork.org/" target="_blank"><img src="midright.gif" width="84" height="199" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
<td width="276" height="204">
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I
do understand that the wound is still open.
These
are from Here is New York, a photo exhibit
subtitled A Democracy of Photographs because
anyone can put up a photo. They are trying to
raise money for <a href="http://www.childrensaidsociety.org/" target="_blank">children</a>.
It's a pretty amazing site. I'm not sure that
we, who don't live in New York, can imagine
what it's been like there. </font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
haven't seen the mouse for awhile. I'm thinking it just went
away. Right? But, reading<a href="http://www.oldgreypoet.com/picnic/200201/20020107.html" target="_blank">
this</a> I was reminded. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
10
2002 9:07AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">My
silverware drawer is in chaos. Part of the problem is I
grind coffee right above it, and then I toss the brush that
I use to clean out the grinder back into the drawer. So, I have
to rinse off things before I can use them, each time I
do I think ... I need to take everything out and clean the whole
drawer. I'm determined to do it that day. But then I drink my coffee,
or eat what ever I was gonna eat that required going into the
drawer, and I just forget. I try to put clean silverware back
in such a manner so as to avoid the coffee grounds. Nothing
is in a slot. things are piled up to one side. And me, I'm writing
about it instead of cleaning it up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">That's
pretty much how my day went. At one point I had laundry in the
washer and the dryer, (and yes if you've been paying attention
I did say I was going to the laundry the other day...but I didn't)
I was working on a piece of writing, or at least I had a piece
of writing on the task bar, I was reading web journals, the
Rules committee was on the television and I was talking to Kristina
on the phone. Even I can't do that many things at one time.
Kristina said I was multi tasking. Heh. I'm excited about <a href="http://www.deardiary.net./cgi-bin/viewer.cgi?diary=26140" target="_blank">her</a>
entrance into the fray of on line journaling. We were talking
about the notion of writing in a public space. It does have
an impact on the writing. But doing a web journal is like putting
the page on a tree in the middle of a forest. Someone might
find it, and read it. Maybe. It's not that I want tons of readers,
and I do feel a bit shy. It is a little nerve racking in the
days after I sign on with a new web ring. I wonder who might
stop by and ...if they'll like me. gulp.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
still don't know if I'm really in Open Pages and I don't seem
to be in Ageless. But I get such a little thrill when I see
Fatshadow on the Internet Brothers link page. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Nothing
got completely done . </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.blindlane.com/">This</a>
is so cool. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
finally gave up on pretending to be doing anything. I actually
turned off the computer and watched The West Wing. I flipped
to the American Music Awards during the commercials. I'm kind
of off the loop in terms of popular music. Which isn't a bad
thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Slept
good, got up early and had to go down the three flights of stairs
to get the laundry in the cold, wet morning. No one to blame
but myself. I guess I should look at what I did do. I did change
the sheets on the bed, do four loads of laundry, write a little
bit, did some dishes. But, the silverware drawer is still dusty
with coffee grounds. </span></font></p>
<BLOCKQUOTE>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"Being an activist means being aware of what's happening around you
as well as being in touch with your feelings about it -- your rage, your
sadness, your excitement, your curiosity, your feeling of helplessness, and your
refusal to surrender. Being an activist means owning your desire."- Paula Allen</span></font> </BLOCKQUOTE><P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
10
2002 11:10
AM </span></font>
</P>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
<a href="http://www.willa.com" target="_blank">Willa</a> made a cool calendar.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="315">
<tr>
<td width="309">
<p> <a href="http://rarepeace.org/portfolio/calendars/index.html" target="_blank"><img src="Wilcal.gif" width="298" height="227" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.deardiary.net./cgi-bin/viewer.cgi?diary=26140&entry=1010707200" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Kristina</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light">
and I went to </font><a href="http://www.bayinsider.com/auto_docs/dining/31983.html" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Luna
Park</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light"> for lunch and
then </font><a href="http://www.mtbs.com/" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Modern
Times</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light">, my favorite
book store, and then stopped at </font><a href="http://www.rainbowgrocery.org/" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Rainbow</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light">.
It was great hanging out with her, great conversation. I came
home tired but in a good mood.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I
turned on the city station and the computer, being the screen
freak that I am. There was a hearing hosted by the Supes and
the Human Rights Commission in which local Arab and Muslim community
members were giving testimony about their lives in post 9/11
San Francisco. It took me a awhile to realize what it was because
I was in a great mood and I was looking at e-mail and the web.
I knew it was a hearing of some sort, but it just seemed like
there were many city officials saying that they were committed
to human rights, and I was only half listening. But it just
kept going on and on and eventually I began paying attention.
There were so many people with such sad stories. I think of
myself as a cynical enough to not be surprised by bad behavior,
and I was just writing about the round up of <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/683802.asp#BODY" target="_blank">Arab
American men</a>, but for some reason I was overwhelmed by all
this testimony. Children harassed at school, young men beaten
up, young women having their scarves pulled from their heads
and death threats for all. There was testimony from a variety
of coalition groups but it's always the people that get me.
An Iranian woman, talking about her children, I kept thinking
how hard it must be for her to speak in public. There must be
so much fear. I spent a long time this morning trying to find
a news clip about it but to no avail. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I
found <a href="http://wannawrite.editthispage.com/" target="_blank">this</a>
pretty cool site for writers. Great jumping off place. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I
don't know why I started doing the time stamp. I don't know
why I'm into this early thing. But today I woke up slow, was
easily distracted and am not publishing till almost noon! Sheesh!</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"> <font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
12
2002 9:18
AM </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">It
may turn out that I'm a better reader than a writer. I spent
more hours reading journals. This time I got on a very writerly
trail, beginning with<a href="http://www.hanne.net/" target="_blank">
Hanne Blank</a> and following her links. I have her book <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=1573441228&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">Zaftig</a>,
which I read...often. I'd been on her site before, but I don't
remember a <a href="http://www.hanne.net/new/index.html" target="_blank">journal</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
don't even know when, but at a certain point I came across the
diary critic. Oh dear. I really have to avoid things that kick
up my competitive streak. I just start bangin on myself. The
notgoodenough chant begins. I will say that I am beginning to
form preferences in terms of page design, but I just love the
voices that come through. I sometimes notice really horrible
gaffs in spelling or grammar, but I have to deal with this at
school. I don't wanna worry about it here! I will not be asking
her for a review. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
got such a late start on the day, and then were the hours of
journal jumping. Finally, I took a shower. I've gotten into
using bath gels instead of soap. And I love the <a href="http://www.eoproducts.com" target="_blank">EO</a>
stuff. And, being the aging hippie chick that I am I use the
<a href="http://www.kissmyface.com" target="_blank">Kiss My
Face</a>, <a href="http://www.kissmyface.com/patchouli2.htm" target="_blank">Peaceful
Patchouli</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
had some smoked trout that I knew was just a bit past the purchase
date. I'm not worried about it being bad, because it was smoked,
smelled fine, and tasted great and I need to eat more protein.
I piled it in to a bowl with left over green beans from
yesterdays lunch and the last of the baby greens from the K2
grocery give away of 1/1. Kobi shops at <a href="http://www.berkeleybowl.com/main.html" target="_blank">Berkeley
Bowl </a>. If all their produce lasts this long then I'm impressed.
I remember this thing about eating everything in one bowl. I
don't know if it was a diet or a Zen practice but it works for
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
played with the fonts and general page stuff some more.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
get this urge to smoke thing and it hasn't worked to buy a pack
because I smoke them in a day or two. But I've been thinking
that <a href="http://www.natsherman.com/" target="_blank">Shermans</a>
might work. They're somewhere between a cigar and cigarette,
too strong to chain smoke. Or at least they are for me. So,
today I've had two. If I can keep it occasional I'll keep them
around. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Today's<a href="http://www.virtualkiss.com/" target="_blank">
link </a>is just silly.</span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'><span
style='font-family:"Footlight MT Light"'>I am a <a href="http://www.darkangeltheseries.com/" target="_blank">Dark Angel</a> fan. It seems like a
confession since I can think of so many reasons not to be, but I am. I like the
idea of someone, designed to be a cog in the machine, revolting, resisting. But
last nights episode began with a scene, in which a fat boy sits, surrounded by
televisions, seemingly watching them all at once. I braced. How would James
Cameron represent fatness. </span><font face="Footlight MT Light">The fat boy is an X5 who
can process massive amounts of data and predict probabilities. But part of his
design is to be invisible, forgettable. And how would you structure someone�s
DNA to guarantee that they�ll be invisible? You make them fat. People look
away. </font></p>
<p class=MsoBodyTextIndent2 align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">There are certain things I watch for in fat
representation. Is there a slapstick, physical humor scene?</font><span
style="mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> </font></span><font face="Footlight MT Light">The fat boy sprains his ankle and apparently
doesn�t have the quick recovery gene; Max has to carry him. Is there a false
assumption about fatness in the characterization? </font><span style="mso-spacerun:
yes"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> </font></span><font face="Footlight MT Light">Fat boy eats candy, lots of candy. At one point he hurls the candy
to the ground, steps on it and goes to rescue his girl. The underlying communication
being that even if you are genetically designed to be fat by experts in genetic
construction, if you give up that candy bar, you'll be a hero.</font></p>
<p class=MsoBodyTextIndent2 align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Of course the fat boy is in love with Max and of
course that�s a relationship that is never gonna happen. All he wants is for
her to see him. And, of course, because Max is so good, she does. He asks her, how
do I look and she replies, � Magnificent.� So we can still love Max, but we
have to accept that if you�re fat the only thing you can give someone you truly
love is
to just go away. </font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoBodyTextIndent2"><font face="Footlight MT Light">I
cried.</font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
13
2002 8:48
AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
did some writing in the morning and, for no good reason, thought
I'd stop and play with my <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm" target="_blank">Sims.</a> sigh. It's hard to play with
them for a short period. I don't know how anyone does that!
I get something in my head about a thing that can happen and
I'll keep playing until I can make it happen. So, there went the
day. But, I did get some writing done early. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">One
night, a few years ago, I decided to buy a juicer from<a href="http://www.salton-maxim.com/salton/juiceman/juiceman.asp" target="_blank">
Jay the Juice man</a>. I think it was the eyebrows. I love making
beet, carrot, apple, parsley, celery juice. It's his recipe.
I'm not sure what it's good for, Lynn says liver and gall bladder.
Really, how can it be bad? During one of my shopping trips I
got all the stuff I needed, and today I made the juice.
Yum! It is so good. I also remembered my teaspoon of flax
seed oil, because I do try to do everything my chiropractor
tells me to do. I'm not drinking enough water though. But, I
made this great dinner. Pork loin, cous cous with butternut
squash and currents, and asparagus. I had a glass of the <a href="http://www.niebaum-coppola.com/winelist/dia_claret.html" target="_blank">Coppola
claret</a> that <a href="http://www.deardiary.net./cgi-bin/viewer.cgi?diary=26140&entry=1010793600" target="_blank">Kristina</a>
was so kind to give me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.endicott-studio.com/" target="_blank">This</a>
is a beautiful place to spend some time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
guy on <a href="http://www.npr.org/" target="_blank">NPR</a>
just said you have to be careful when it comes to Machiavelli.
Gee, do ya think? That shocked me out my morning reverie and
I paid attention long enough to find out he wrote a book on
why leader ship demands a warroir ethic. Hmmm.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Now
I must go swimming.</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
14
2002 9:17
AM </span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
Sadly, I haven't been loving <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0679455876&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">The
Way Forward...</a> . So much so that I may give up on it. I'm
close to the end, but I find that I'm having trouble concentrating.
It's like she's trying to explain herself to her first husband,
her daughter, the reader, and rather than say ... I felt this,
or I saw that, she's writing stories. But, it's hard not to
wonder with each story ...how much of this is real? I'm not
sure anything that anyone writes is ever real. We're all writing
through our biases and perceptions. And I'm sure fiction writers
rob their lives for details. In one story she talks about an
aunt saying "don't write about this". So, is she involving
us in the crime of doing exactly what someone asked her not
to do ...or is that a fiction? Does it matter? I don't know,
but I'm finding it difficult to read. It's almost like she's
saying, "everything I say is a lie." Uh...was that
a lie? In one story she's, I mean the character's, making
lamb chops and mentions that this was before she was a vegetarian.
Do we need to know that? Between wondering if the things she's
writing are true stories and parsing her self portrait, I'm
finding myself annoyed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">At
the same time I find that the book makes me think about relationships
and the value of hurt. Hurt does make things clear, in a way.
It pulls me back into myself and causes me to consider things
deeply. In the book Walker considers race in relationships.
The most interesting was a story that considered when little
black girls and little while girls are friends as children.
She writes about playing with a white girl in a home where her
mother was the maid. At a certain age the girls father breaks
off the relationship. This is a southern story though I'm sure
it happens everywhere. And it was full of things to think about,
relative to hurt and it's impact on relationship. But since
the whole book is positioned as a fiction based on truth I found
myself wondering about the details. I felt mistrust, and
maybe that was the point, but it's lost on me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com/" target="_blank">Willa</a>
had this in <a href="http://www.willa.com/moodswings/index.shtml" target="_blank">Moodswings</a>.
</span></font></p>
<div align="left">
<table border="0" width="239">
<tr>
<td width="233">
<p><a href="http://www.acme.com/labelmaker/" target="_blank"><img src="Lable.gif" align="right" width="240" height="24" border="0"></a> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
just have to say that love <a href="http://www.honesttea.com" target="_blank">Honest tea</a>.</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
15
2002 9:41
AM </span></font>
</P>
<table align="center" border="0" width="242">
<tr>
<td width="126">
<p><img src="MLK.jpg" width="126" height="173" border="0"></p>
</td>
<td width="106">
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><a href="http://www.mlkday.com/" target="_blank">Happy
Birthday</a></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The Internet is just filled with people on diets.
As much as
I want to send them all data on why diets don't work, I don't.
Everybody gets to deal with their body in the way that makes
them happy. But, there are charts and graphs and rules and rules
broken and they all seem to be documenting their inability to
diet. I mean the tone of the entries is that of recalcitrant
children who aren't obedient to rules that are self imposed.
It's a schizoid mentality. I'm trying to do healthy things everyday. The swimming
is great. I've been doing my joint rotations and Cardio Glide.
I'm drinking my water and my juice. But, I'm not trying to feel
bad about what I don't do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
started reading <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0385333846&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">Slaughterhouse-Five</a>.
It's another book for the Ethical Issues for Writer's class.
It begins;</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> "<i>All
this happened, more or less.</i>"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Uhhuh.
I see a theme evolving. The Alice Walker book wasn't assigned
for the class, but it fits right in to the project. I read Slaughterhouse-Five
years ago but I barely remember and it's making me laugh. So,
now I'm wondering why I reacted the way I did to the Walker.
Vonnegut is writing in a manner that comments on the chaotic
quality of reality, right from the start. Perhaps it was the
tone of sincerity in the Walker that was undermined by
the fictionalization, for me. We will also be reading <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0767902890&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">The
Things They Carried</a>. Which I read a few weeks ago. Same
thing. Book called fiction, clearly based on a real life. Tim
O' Brian talks about it all through the book, what is true,
what is not. And it seemed to serve the writing. Much to think
about.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">This
just cracks me up. It's another of <a href="http://www.jezebel.com/" target="_blank">Heather
Champ</a>'s things. So cool! I signed up to be notified. </span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.harrumph.com/rabbit/" target="_blank"><img src="rabbit.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0"></a></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
16
2002 9:41
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">One
of the supervisor committees ( I can never keep the committee
names straight) had a hearing yesterday about HMO's that are
pulling out of certain California communities and Medicare,
putting many seniors at risk. There was testimony about an elderly
woman who had to choose between her meds or her rent. She was
on the verge of being evicted. There was amazing testimony from
a Doctor/researcher who said that in the last decade sales of
pharmaceuticals have tripled. Part of that is because the population
is living longer and seniors take more meds. Part of it is,
people are asking for meds that they see commercials for
and don't know that there are cheaper, generic drugs that
do the same thing. The docs don't tell them because they get
something from the drug companies to push the name brands. For
seniors on low incomes this is just cruel, but it impacts all
of us. My mom and stepfather, both in their late seventies,
take almost no prescription drugs. My stepfather takes some
blood pressure stuff. Mom takes nothing, and she is and always
has been fat. They both take vitamins and herbs. Mom swims and
Ken has exercise that he does. They eat lots of veggies. The
hearing was fascinating, but the only thing I wish they'd spoken
about was the fact that alternative medicines can keep people
off meds and away from doctors. Then the HMO's can do what ever
they want because we wont need them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">As
if in answer to my no diets rant yesterday, Francis Berg posted
notice of <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/" target="_blank">Healthy
Weight Week</a>! Yippee! So, next week I'll post size positive
sites in the link of the day alllll week! Won't that be fun?
Francis has a <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/handouts.htm#Top%2010%20Reasons%20Not%20to%20Diet" target="_blank">top
ten reasons not to diet </a> hand out and lots of well
articulated, reasonable body positive things in her site. Yippee
again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">As
a result of all the Internet art I've been enjoying, I decided
to try and draw more. I pulled out my box of charcoals and my
sketch pencil and my kneedable eraser and I spent a bliss full
half hour drawing some apples and a mandarin orange. I got so
excited that Marilyn and I went to <a href="http://www.pearlpaint.com" target="_blank">Pearl</a>
and I bought a handful of new pastels. I love that you can buy
them one at a time. And I've been carrying my camera around
trying to find a <a href="http://www.mirrorproject.com/" target="_blank">reflective
surface. </a> I've just never been good at remembering
my camera. But I love all the <a href="http://www.picturethisprojects.org/gallery/gallery.html" target="_blank">photography</a>
projects I see on line. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
17
2002 10:00
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I've
done five sketches of the same fruit. Well, almost the same.
I ate the orange. And last night I ate the apple. I did some
in pencil and then I use the charcoal. I like the charcoal better
because I use my fingers to blend. It seems like I get more
depth. I leave the book open on the table and it makes me happy
to walk past it and see those drawings. I really need to keep
doing this. It just makes me happy.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
did quite a bit of work on the memoir as well. As usual, I had
a mini breakdown in the middle of the work and had to go to
sleep for twenty minutes. But, I rebounded and did some more.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Spent
some time on line, some time reading and watched The West Wing.
Pretty nice day. Now if I got paid for it... that would be good.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
read<a href="http://www.salon.com/health/sex/urge/world/1999/12/10/drysex/index.html" target="_blank">
this</a> horrifying article. And <a href="http://www.equalitynow.org/brochure_eng_hub.html" target="_blank">this</a>.
I found it ironic because Oprah did a <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020116.jhtml" target="_blank">show</a>
on how older and younger feminists feel about one another. It
was actually a pretty interesting discussion, but limited. It
has been said that the feminist movement in this country is
centered in the white, educated community. This discussion certainly
reflected that idea, even with the section on Alice Walker's
daughter. I mean, the minute the discussion focused on
what a young woman was wearing in a business meeting, things
had gone loopy.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
won't be able to do a link a day when school starts. I spend
too much time looking for them. But, <a href="http://www.getty.edu/art/exhibitions/devices/choice.html" target="_blank">this</a>
one today comes from <a href="http://www.dollarshort.org/days/" target="_blank">Mena</a>
who got it from <a href="http://antproofcase.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">David</a>.
It's so much fun! And see, this is how it goes.... I read one
person and their links and that jumps to someone else and their
links and hours go by. Mena also linked to <a href="http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/wpaposters/wpahome.html" target="_blank">this</a>,
which is pretty cool.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="107">
<tr>
<td width="101">
<p><a href="http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?wpapos:8:./temp/~ammem_63vX::" target="_blank"><img src="EatFruit.gif" width="102" height="150" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> I
do eat the fruit.</span></font></p>
<p> "<font face="Footlight MT Light">I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length
of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. " -Diane Ackerman </font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span></font> <font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
18
2002 9:49
AM</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">So.
Oprah did a show called... <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20020117.jhtml" target="_blank">how it feels to be fat</a>. I
felt like I needed to watch it, but I was worried. So worried
that I didn't remember and missed the first ten minutes. As
it turned out it wasn't terrible. Not good, but not terrible.
The basic idea, I think was to discuss how horrible it is to
live in a fat body, and how hard it is on you friends and family.
And there was plenty of that. But there were some great fat
women who saved the day. A great moment was when a really fat
woman said, "I love my body." Oprah said, really?!"
And with out hesitation she said, "yes." She she had
a great boyfriend, work that she loved, friends. She said she
might wish she were thin but that it was important for her to
accept herself now. She was great! And even Oprah Seemed to
acknowledge that she was in a good place. There was one woman
who is considering the evil surgery. Oprah's main thing seemed
to be to track where the fat thing began, like what was the
psychological issue. And at least two of these women had been
molested. Every time Oprah would say, " where did it begin,
where did it begin. " I would want to scream..."When
her DNA formed!" Sometimes I think people in the fat community
don't want to talk about the pain. I mean we live it. And we're
trying to focus on self acceptance and body love. The truth
is there is a lot of pain. On the show there was a friend who
said she was disgusted with her fat friend. She loved her but...
And Oprah gave her a tiny amount of shit for it. But there was
no solid expression of the notion that she ought to have friends
who accepted and loved her body and were willing to advocate
for her if she, for example, needed a chair in a restaurant
with no arms. There were some wonderful, strong women and so
the show wasn't terrible. But, it's just so clear how much work
there is to be done. And I'm not sure how to do that work. When
a fat women says she's rather be fat, for me, it's like a black
woman saying she'd rather be lighter. I exercise. I eat fruits
and vegetables. I've always been fat. I've been fatter and thinner,
but always fat. Food and exercise only have so much to do with
it. Watching Oprah's weight go up and down it's obvious that
she's a fat person. I think she looks great and I think working
out is great. But, I think I look great. And the fat women on
the show looked great. Life is diversity! Beauty is diversity!
</span></font></p>
<div align="justify">
<table border="0" width="750">
<tr>
<td width="619"> <p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
started reading <a href="http://www.pearlearring.com" target="_blank">Girl
With A Pearl Earring.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">There
is a pretty great web site for it, on which you
can read the first chapter and see the paintings
from the book. I'm only a chapter into it and I'm
liking it. It's very sweet. </font></p>
</td>
<td width="121"> <p align="justify"><img src="PearlGirl.gif" width="123" height="148" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</div>
<p align="justify"> <font face="Bickley Script"><span style="font-size:20pt;"> </span></font><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
19
2002 8:56
AM</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> I
had the worst night of sleep ever. I think I woke up about twenty
seven times. I blame hormones.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
had lunch with Barbara yesterday at <a href="http://sushichardonnay.citysearch.com/1.html" target="_blank">Sushi
Chardonnay</a>. It's a great thing to find a health care professional
that you trust: it's a blessed thing to find a health care professional
who you miss so much when you aren't seeing them that you
want to have lunch with them! I was dismayed to learn that Barbara
has to watch out for certain wild drivers ( who shall remain
nameless, but you know who you are) in Bernal Heights. Modern life
keeps us so busy, it is hard to find time to just talk, so I
felt lucky to have this time with her.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> I
guess I'm not that busy these days. I feel busy. But it's all
about books I need to read and things I need to write. It's
different from the years at NCOC when I ran my little business,
went to class, read on the bus, wrote papers at 11:00 at night.
I've always worked so hard. this has been an odd year. I always
feel like I'm not doing enough, or that I'm getting away with
something, and in a way I am. Because I'm financed by a building
debt load. But, every time I acknowledge that the writing is
work, I feel like I'm working a lot. And that I'm doing MY work.
Which is a good feeling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Then
I went to get glasses. I might have been able to put this off
for another few years; my eyes aren't that bad. But they get
tired. So I went to Lenscrafters. The people were really nice.
But they dialated my eyes. I had inteded to sit there and read
while they made my glasses, but it was like reading under water.
My eyes felt tired and everything was blurry. Even when I came
home they were buggin. I couldn't really see the computer or the
TV. I couldn't read. I watched Dark Angel but it was a strain.
So, I went to bed at 10:00. I just lay there. I felt tired,
but I couldn't sleep. By, 12:30 or so I tried to read for a
while. I just never stayed asleep for long and I had weird dreams.
By the time seven o'clock came around I didn't know whether
to get out of bed or keep trying to sleep. Right now I just
want to go back to bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I write one page of masterpiece to ninety one pages of shit.
I try to put the
shit in the wastebasket.-Ernest Hemingway</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
20
2002 10:03
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
My glasses are buggin me. It's true that I can see far away
things better and reading is better, but I'm having some trouble
adjusting to the place in the lens where it switches. I also
think that the left lens may be too strong. And they slide.
I know I can get them tightened and I may ask them to check
the left lens. I can't walk down the street with them. They
told me I would be dizzy and need to adjust to them, so I'm
trying to wear them, but I can't walk with them. I guess I look
down when I walk and then I'm looking through the reading part.
I guess. It's annoying. I can walk around the apartment. My
eyes aren't that bad. I may just wear them in class, or when
I'm reading. We'll see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
got my haircut. Which means I actually look like the picture.
My hair grows so fast, it was almost to the middle of
my back. It feels good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">So,
today begins <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/hww.htm" target="_blank">Healthy
Weight Week</a>. There are <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/handouts.htm#Celebrate_Health_at_Any_Size" target="_blank">handouts
</a>to read. And I'll be focusing my link of the day toward
size acceptance. But for today lets just spend a minute thinking
about health...at any size, diversity...in beauty, normalizing
the fat body. Oh, I could go on and on ....and you know I will.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">But
now...I'm going to swim with the fat ladies.</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
21
2002 9:13
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">
Just in time for <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/hww.htm" target="_blank">Healthy
Weight Week!</a> Last night I went to a fund raiser for <a href="http://www.bigmoves.org" target="_blank">Big
Moves</a>. They're trying to<a href="http://www.bigmoves.org/classes.html" target="_blank">
raise money </a>to bring <a href="http://www.bigdance.org/" target="_blank">Big
Dance</a> to San Francisco. I saw Big Dance in May and watched
a video of that performance last night. It's truly wonderful
to watch them. I've watched a fair amount of modern dance and
from that perspective I was both blown away by what wonderful
movers are in the company, and wanted them to do more.
I wondered about some of the choreographic choices. I
watch for how aware dancers are of their hands and feet, how
long they hold extended limbs, how well they form lines with
their bodies. And in this company I saw lots of great lines
and full body awareness, and some not so great stuff. But,
I want to be quick to say that I've had that experience when
watching other dance companies. They are the first fat modern
dance company. <a href="http://www.mmdg.org/" target="_blank">Mark
Morris</a> used some dancers with bodies not formally used in
dance. Big
Dance is breaking ground. People are going to measure them relative to notions
of endurance and precision. And some of the rules should be broken.
Dance can evolve and our eyes can learn to see differently.
They're doing some great work.
It's wonderful to see fat bodies dance. Last night there was
also video of the PHAT Fly Girls. They're local fat women that
do the hiphop classes offered by Big Moves, one of whom was
<a href="http://www.fatso.com" target="_blank">Marilyn</a>!
Very cute! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">My
glasses are still buggin me. I didn't put them on yet today.
I like them most of the time, but my eyes feel tired and I can't
walk down the street, yet.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
finished <a href="http://www.pearlearring.com" target="_blank">The
Girl With The Pearl Earring</a>. It was a very relaxing, pleasant
read. I think part of why I enjoyed it was because of my drawing.
It was fun to think about color and painting. Now, I'm
ready for school tomorrow. I have done most of the reading for
one of my classes, but I want to see what the reading load will
be like before I start another book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">So,
today we celebrate Martin Luther King. I think he would have
liked Healthy Weight Week. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><font face="Bickley Script"><span style="font-size:20pt;"> </span></font><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
22
2002 9:04
AM</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/hww.htm" target="_blank"> Healthy
Weight Week</a> continues. Todays link is <a href="http://www.thebodypositive.org/index.html" target="_blank">The
Body Positive</a>, a site developed by three women with a slant
toward fighting eating disorders. I think it's important to
make a distinction between eating disorders and fat politics.
For me, eating disorders are a heartbreaking result of a toxic
culture that feeds women, specifically, but men, more and more,
impossible images of beauty. But, eating disorders are
also about power. When you feel as if there are so many things
that you can not control, you focus on hyper control of a thing,
like eating. There are fat people who have disordered relationships
with food, but one of the major misconceptions is that
fat people sit around eating. This is a long discussion
with necessary distinctions, but to stay with the comparison
between fat politics and eating disorders, a person with an
eating disorder can work on healing their relationship with
food and their body and have approval and privilege in the culture
through the whole process.
They won't be asked to change their weight for a job, or to
fit into a public space ( a chair in a restaurant or movie theater).
A fat person's healing begins when they accept that dieting
doesn't work, they may always be some degree of fat and that
their bodies shape is a natural expression of genetic diversity.
And they will need to advocate for themselves and their rights.
This isn't meant to be a better/worse comparison. In terms of
positive body ideas, we're all in it together. And <a href="http://www.thebodypositive.org/index.html" target="_blank">The
Body Positive</a> is a great site with a cool Flash opening.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="85">
<tr>
<td width="79"> <p><a href="http://www.about-face.org/" target="_blank"><img src="Fashplat.gif" width="84" height="127" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Suzanne,
<a href="http://www.windchimewalker.com/mitchells5.html" target="_blank">Lucia
and Gabe</a> came over and we went to <a href="http://www.pastapomodoro.com/" target="_blank">Pasta
Pomodoro</a> for lunch. We got soaked walking up there. Gabe
and I were singing <i>What If God Was One Of Us </i>along with
the muzac. Pretty fun! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">School is back in session. Yippee!
I had to read a bunch of <a href="http://www.nobel.se/literature/laureates/1995/heaney-lecture.html" target="_blank">Nobel
Prize</a> speeches for the first class. They're quite interesting.
</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
23
2002 9:53
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> Cyn
sent this <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/brain/" target="_blank">link</a>
to me yesterday so I watched the show last night. Amazing! I
was particularly struck by how forgiving the body is. There
are children who were having seizures and they've had the left
side of their brain removed! And the right side of the brain
picks up the tasks, like speech, normally operated in the left
side. Bodies are amazing. The site is full of fun brain illusions.
Check out the Lincoln recognition test. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">There
is another <a href="http://www.bodypositive.com/" target="_blank">Body
Positive</a> site. The second is Deb Burgard's site. There is
a <a href="http://www.bodypositive.com/web_ring.htm" target="_blank">Health
at any Size </a>web ring and the very cool <a href="http://www.bodypositive.com/doorhangers.htm" target="_blank">Body
Disparagement Free Zone</a> door hanger. I have one hanging
on my kitchen light switch. I actually get caught up reading
the stuff on this page. It reinforces my own understanding of
fat truth. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Class
last night. My assignment is to write about the word fat for
twenty minutes a day. OK. Tonight is the Ethical Issues class
for which I did all the reading. It was pretty great to see
people last night. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
24
2002 9:45
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> <a href="http://www.willa.com" target="_blank">Willa</a>
got a <a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/jan02/jan23.htm" target="_blank">handheld</a>.
Of course when I was reading about it I wanted one. I don't
need it AT ALL. But, while I was reading her entry I clicked
on her <a href="http://www.willa.com/tealeaves/index.htm" target="_blank">TeaLeaves</a>
link and got this...</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="317">
<tr>
<td width="311"> <p align="justify"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">From the erotic ocean of the unconscious the sun
will rise<BR>and shine on the sand and the rounded stones<BR>battered by an
infinity of challenges<BR> to the shape of perfect love.</span></FONT></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/hww.htm" target="_blank"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">Heathy
Weight Week </FONT></span></a><span style="font-size:12pt;"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light"> link
du Jour: </FONT><a href="http://www.naafa.org/" target="_blank"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">NAAFA</FONT></a><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">.
Just because they've worked so hard, for so long. </FONT></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">Ethical
Issues should be fun. It's the kind of thing I could talk about
all night. We're reading Uncle Walt. Drum Taps and Memories
of President Lincoln. I'm reading </FONT><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=e2393377ed3ee3aa&s=showproduct&isbn=019514709X" target="_blank"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">The
Better Angel</FONT></a><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">
for some back up. And I'm reading </FONT><a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=da345db8ed303f8a&s=showproduct&isbn=0679745424" target="_blank"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">Playing
in the Dark</FONT></a><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">
for inspiration to do my writing on white privilege. So, we're
off to a running start. </FONT></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">I
have trouble sleeping after class. Tuesday I watched </FONT><a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/brain/" target="_blank"><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">The
Secret Life of the Brain</FONT></a><FONT color=#400040 face="Footlight MT Light">
and last night I read for a while. I should do this at
night. In the mornings, after class I'm dim witted. Ironic.
</FONT></span></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
25
2002 10:38
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">This
morning I was link hopping through some journals that I
normally check out. A few great sites, very arty. And in each
one I saw a thing about fatness. Not a ugly mean thing. Just
a thing. One had a download of Bart Simpson saying I washed
myself with a rag on a stick, which is, I guess, a reference
to an episode in which Homer decides to be so fat he can claim
disability and not work. He gets so fat he has to wash himself
with a rag on a stick. The person used it as a header for an
entry in which she talks about worrying that she will gain weight.
In another there was a predate confidence date, the first question
is "Do I look fat in this?" So, I, who am fat,
am supposed to ignore the imbedded slap. They just don't want
to be fat. I mean that would just be awful. I mean, you have
to wash yourself with a rag on a stick. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Being
fat is a simple physical characteristic. An expression of nature's
diversity. Like skin color. If I read something on a site that
said is my skin too dark? Should I use a lightner? I think my
outrage would be easy to understand. But, these little slams
about fatness...they're suppose to be understandable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
not saying that people don't have a right to have their
bodies be any way they want them. But, I wish people would think
about that fear, that dread of being fat. And if I'm in the
room when they're thinking about it, I wish they'd think about
what it says to me. What their dread says to me about who I
am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
people whose sites I was looking at don't know me. They don't
read me. They're just living in the "normal" world.
In the "normal" world people just don't "let"
themselves ...get fat... because...? I just wish people would
question the inherent hostility of this obsession.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">There's
an<a href="http://www.salon.com/jan97/diet970106.html" target="_blank">
interesting article</a> from Salon talking about Laura
Fraser and Glen Gaesser. The article is pretty cool but has
a heading, Doomed to be fat. DOOMED. Oh my God...I'm DOOMED.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Well,
here's the deal ... I am not an icon, a warning against too
many banana splits. I am a person I a fat body. I define the
meaning. Not the diet industry, not the medical industry ( yes
I did mean industry), not the media, .... me... I define
the meaning. I'm fat because I am. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Bickley Script"><span style="font-size:20pt;"> </span></font><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
26
2002 9:38
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
wasn't going to write anything. I spent the whole day yesterday
struggling with a piece of writing for school and I have to
start working on it again. sigh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">But
it's the last day of <a href="http://www.healthyweight.net/hww.htm" target="_blank">Healthy
Weight Week</a>. Yesterday was one of those days when I saw
fat hatred everywhere I looked so today I'm feeling weary of
it all. It was fun to try and find a link a day. It required
that I reread much of the documentation. In many ways that makes
me feel stronger in my own position but there is another way
in which it makes me feel the weight of the issue. I grow weary
of the hypervigilance. I don't want to end the week on a tired,
sad note. </span></font></p>
<p><img src="Purple.gif" width="108" height="181" border="0"></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.fatso.com" target="_blank">Marilyn's
</a>site is good for getting your humor back.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
found this pretty cute art <a href="http://www.eskimo.com/~leiba/" target="_blank">here</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> Found
a great Fat Focused <a href="http://phonezilla.net/bigfatblog/#" target="_blank">Blog</a>.
</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
27
2002 9:42
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> Spent
the morning link hopping, mostly to journals. I continue to
be amazed by how many there are and how many fun things they
come up with to do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And,
as I imagined, school is already sucking my brain dry. It's
not school so much as it is this piece of writing that I'm trying
to do. It's making me miserable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Yesterday
I found <a href="http://phonezilla.net/bigfatblog/" target="_blank">this</a>
great blog. I spent a while (avoiding my writing) reading
the archives. Some of the links don't work but, there are plenty
that do. I saw<a href="http://www.milksucks.com/fat.html" target="_blank">
this</a> creepy PETA pitch. Wrote them and told them how disgusting
it is. I think they can come up with a better way to make their
point. The link of the day is to an <a href="http://phonezilla.net/bigfatblog/interview.php" target="_blank">interview</a>
that <a href="http://phonezilla.net/bigfatblog/interview.php" target="_blank">Big
Fat Blog</a> did with Diane Bliss. Well, the blog didn't do
the interview, Mike did it. ( See how much trouble I'm having
writing!) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
going swimming and hoping that when I return I'll be able to
write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <span style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">"No one has been interested in the overweight woman's
description for </font></span><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">her own experience on the ground that she must not know anything,
</font></span><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">otherwise she would be in better shape.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> </font><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">Such a woman is presumed to
be able to speak with authority only after she has lost weight.</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> </font><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">Until
</font><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">that time, describing her situation is considered to be a delaying
</font></span><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">tactic -- her substitute for action."</font><span
style="font-size:11pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Footlight MT Light"> -</font><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">McBride, A.B. and McBride,
</font><span
style='font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-family:"Courier New"'><font face="Footlight MT Light">W.L. 1981. "Theoretical Underpinnings for Women's Health.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></font></span></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
28
2002 10:28
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> Heh,
heh. I found the above quote in the Gab cafe yesterday and I
just had to use it! I mean really! Delay this!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
woke up in the middle of the night from a really cool dream
that felt like I might have solved all the problems of my incarnation
( wish I'd written it down) and then woke up this morning having
a strange dream about rain, leaking through the ceiling and
the walls ...hmmm. So much for that problems of the incarnation
thing. Couldn't pull out of it until after eight. Spent some
time in the Gab cafe, checking up on the shared out rage of
my fellow fat folks, read some journals and now ... it's after
ten! Good God! I am in such an avoidance pattern! I'm sitting
here thinking I should redesign my page. ( no no I must write)
I was at <a href="http://www.opinebovine.com/index.html" target="_blank">Opine
Bovine</a> for more than a few minutes, finding Pablo. And reading
<a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,44095,00.html" target="_blank">this</a>
for more shared outrage.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
did very little writing yesterday, but I did read more about
<a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=e2393377ed3ee3aa&s=showproduct&isbn=019514709X" target="_blank">Uncle
Walt and the civil war</a>, including the poems. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
must do my writing now ....groan. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
29
2002 </span></font></P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">So,
I was talking to Karen ( which made me very happy)
and she mentioned the way the writing pushed up against
the sides in this area and made it seem clipped.
It is something I noticed and wondered about. And
now, I think I've fixed it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
resisted the urge to spend the day doing site redesign
and worked on my paper. Can't say that I'm happy
with it yet, but I'm working on it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">But
working on the paper is like ... write a paragraph,
check e-mail, play <a href="http://www.bij-voorbeeld.nl/bij-voorbeeld/game/start.htm" target="_blank">mahjong</a>, look for journal updates,
eat an orange, write another two paragraphs, read
some more on my topic, delete all three paragraphs,
write another four paragraphs, order a pizza, call
three people, no one home, eat an orange, write
another three sentences, read some more, check e-mail,
go to the cafe, post some responses, play mahjong,
write another paragraph, the pizza comes, the phone
rings, talk to friend about the writing, groan and
moan and bitch, eat pizza, read some more delete
everything, write more stuff, check e-mail, read
some journals...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">It's
not always like this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Rita
Lazar lost her brother in the WTC on 9/11. Recently
she went to Afghanistan with </font><a href="http://www.globalexchange.org/" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Global
Exchange</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light">.
Today she was on </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">Democracy
Now</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light"> with
Media. There is </font><a href="http://www.democracynow.org" target="_blank"><font face="Footlight MT Light">this</font></a><font face="Footlight MT Light">
to read about MS Lazar's experience or you can go
the Democracy Now site and listen. </font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
30 2002 9:47
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
had been given an assignment to write about the
word fat for twenty minutes a day. No punctuation,
just write in stream of consciousness. I was reading
what I had written last night in class and there
were parts about fat being about fullness and when
I was done, I looked up and the FULL moon was in
FULL view. It was like this big beautiful affirmation.
Quite spectacular!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
never wrote about seeing Ralph Nader last week.
He was in town speaking at <a href="http://www.commonwealthclub.org/" target="_blank">The
Common Wealth</a> club. He's just the coolest! I
found out about it at the last minute and Deb and
I went. I just love that guy!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
stayed up late trying to finish the <a href="http://staceys.booksense.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp?GXHC_GX_jst=90c77146662d6160&GXHC_gx_session_id_store=e2393377ed3ee3aa&s=showproduct&isbn=019514709X" target="_blank">The
Better Angel</a> because tonight we're talking about
Drum Taps. It's been helpful to read the book while
I was reading the poems. The poems start off in
high Jingoist form and then, as Whitman spends time
in the camps, get more sober. But, the Civil War
gave him purpose. And, sadly, I think that happens
to people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org" target="_blank">Amy</a>
is doing a post state of the Union show. She played
some of it. It's pretty discouraging. It's great
to be in this class right now, just to have ways
to read and think about war and ethics. </span></font></p>
<P><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">1
31 2002 10:11
AM</span></font>
</P>
<p align="justify"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
had an emotionally difficult day yesterday, in the
middle of which I launched Netscape to see if Suzanne
was on IM and saw that this was my horoscope.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="2" width="278" bordercolordark="teal" bordercolorlight="#A0CCA0">
<tr>
<td width="266"> <p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"Don't shut down when somebody says something that you don't like. Instead,
you need to stay receptive and responsive and good tidings will come to you.
If you put up walls, expect that you will be trapped within them and that
other people will be lead to believe that this is how you want things to
be. What you need right now is to let people see that side of you that is
needy and yet, in an odd way rather strong."</span>
</p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> <font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Normally
I think these kind of horoscopes are cheezy, at
best and this one is probably cheezy as well, but
it was what I needed to hear.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
conversation in class last night, on the Whitman,
was pretty great. I love doing that kind of deep
thinking about writing. There were a few of my class
mates that seemed bored, but most seemed to join
in. I was glad I had done the extra reading but
Lisa gave some background on Whitman in class. It
really makes the poetry easier to parse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Jennifer
launched <a href="http://www.fitnessfuncentral.com/" target="_blank">this</a>
site to promote her fitness classes. You go girl!
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Don't
forget..tomorrow is the first... that means...</span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="93">
<tr>
<td width="87">
<p><a href="http://harrumph.com/rabbit/" target="_blank"><img src="rabbit.gif" width="88" height="31" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><a href="http://http://www.harrumph.com/" target="_blank">Heather</a>
had <a href="http://www.salon.com/politics/wire/2002/01/29/justice_department/index.html" target="_blank">this</a>
link on her site morning. Gawd! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span>
</p>
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