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<p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:18pt;"><b>February
2006 <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com">Home</a></b></span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
1 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
11:11 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1199" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1199"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1199"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been awhile since I did a redesign. Needed
to have some fun. Thanks
to <a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/blogger.html">Meg</a> for the CSS for the banner (Which
I messed with a bit.) and <a href="http://kalsey.com/tools/buttonmaker/">Adam
Kalsey</a> for the buttons (which aren't
showing up yet). I
keep moving where the perma link is. Not
sure if it matters. I figure I'll keep more
than one post on the front again. I made
an <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/About">about page</a>. Of sorts. And
my blog roll isn't loading right now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny
thing. Havin a blog.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny
peculiar. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
funny haha. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1502)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1502"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1001"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
8:36 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1001"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1200" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1199"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1200"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really do have fun doing new designs. I
get into a zone. So it was late when I realized
that the buttons weren't showing. I'll be working on
that now. And when I republished and reloaded the page
with the sentence about my blog roll not showing up
the blog roll showed up. Sometimes the gods of cyber
space just like to mess with ya. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning was an early swim so I've been to the pool and
had my oatmeal and muffin and tea. I am ready for the
day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Truth
be told I usually crash mid mornings on early swim days.
Twenty minutes in my chair with my head back and my
eyes closed, a fast fall into unconsciousness and I
come back. Never having been a nap lover I always find
this annoying. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I glanced at the television during a commercial in which
a stress hormone is blamed for "stubborn belly
fat". There's a really dopey animation in which
a little poochy belly goes from round to flat. Something
may have gone wrong at the station. The same commercial
played three times in a row. It's a short thing. Usually
things like that annoy me but I just laughed. Something
about the rhythm of "stubborn belly fat" and
the animation in rapid succession three times. It was
comic. I patted my stubborn belly and laughed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
after my angst filled <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/About">about
page</a> I read this morning that there are <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/02/BAGMGH1HQS1.DTL">new
bloggers.</a> Which somehow puts things into perspective.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1503)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1503"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1201"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
3 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
9:27 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1201"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1201" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1201"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1201"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livingjelly.com/home.html">Stephen</a>
and <a href="http://www.bestofsanfrancisco.net/juvenalacosta.htm">Juvenal</a>
did a reading at <a href="http://www.thelab.org/">The
Lab</a> last night with some other writers
who I did not know but were OK. There was
an idea that the writers would talk about
the getting published process but that was
left for afterwards and I'm not an afterwards
kinda girl. I did get to chat with Stephen
for a really lovely amount of time during
the break. And Juvenal said, "Oh hi
Tish" from across the room in that
reserved way of his that could have made
me feel bad but didn't.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/">Caroline</a>
did a great show about ... jeez ... so much.
Mercury has been in retrograde until today
and will "stand still" until March
7 when it will go direct and is headed for
this very <a href="http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/transit/catalog/VenusCatalog.html">rare
transit</a> on June 8th, when we will be
able to watch the planet dance across the
face of the sun. It only happens every 121
or so years. And it was Candlemass, which
is some combination of a Jewish ritual "cleansing
of the mother" so many days after childbirth,
(Mary after the birth of Jesus) and <a href="http://www.wicca.com/celtic/akasha/imbolclore.htm">Imbolic.</a>
Caroline used the story of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persephone">Persephone</a>
to talk about all of this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago when Caroline did my chart she talked
a lot about the ideas of when women go into
the underworld. And on the show she talked
about the need to be able to deal with difficulty.
It was really comforting to me because she talked about
the value of times when things feel bad and maybe when
things look like there's nothing happening there is
something happening. These last few years have been
such a struggle and I keep thinking it's lasting too
long. Something about the idea that there may be value
that I don't understand got through to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There were just all these ideas about animals
coming out of caves and women coming up
from the underworld and I used them to propel
me into the night. Which was good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the way over the bus driver wasn't hearing the guy call
for him to open the back door and young woman with a
very loud, strong voice and the door opened. I turned
to thank her on the way out. A woman offered me a seat
on the bus home and a third woman asked the driver to
stop right at the corner of my street rather than the
stop, which is a block away. None of these were a big
deal but when taken as a part of a whole evening they
felt like angels ushering me through a journey. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the morning I had been waiting for the pool to open,
staring at the silhouettes of trees against a grey/rose
sky and wishing I could do some kind of I Dream of Jeanie
blink and Marie would be standing there with me to take
a picture. When I saw <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2006/02/morning_sky.html">the
picture she had</a> taken I got chills. And by the end
of the day, after all the stories of Venus coming up
from the underground the photo seemed all the more magical.
Assuming that it is Venus in the picture. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may have needed a sense of magic so much that I added
meaning to things that weren't there but it all felt
good. rereading this I feel like I could have written
in a more ordered fashion but it reads like it felt.
Little sparky moments that added together and made me
feel ... possible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still haven't figured out the buttons. They're
php files and I don't have Adobe anymore
so I can't convert them. I don't know why
they're not showing up though since they
show on the page where I made them. I think
there was a page of premade buttons but I can't find
it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. And
I need that tag that keeps my tables lined up. What
was that tag? I know tables are old school but I couldn't
get the CSS to work. And I really tried. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1504)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1504"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1202"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
5 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
9:49 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1202"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1202" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1202"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1202"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was reading the <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=1859846076&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=&spring=">Millett</a>
I was shocked to learn that not too many
people knew who she was. Young feminists
who had taken wimmen's studies didn't know.
So when I heard about <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/020506Y.shtml">Betty
Friedan</a> I wondered if the same thing
would be true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard about <a href="http://www.thekingcenter.org/csk/index.html">Coretta
Scott King</a> just before I left for an
early morning swim. My first thoughts were
for her family and then the news showed
some wedding pictures. They were married
two days before I was born. I began the
reverie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
of my age and political perspective are
waxing about the time in which we formed
a political identity. <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/2006/01/stew-albert-1939-2006-berkley-1968.html">Stew
Albert </a>is also gone. I think there is
someone else but I can't remember just now.
It's just what happens, I suppose. We think
about things in terms of what it means to
us. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
sometimes marvel at how different things
are now. Just as often I worry that things
are flipping back to how it was. I kept
wanting to hear some one say that Martin
Luther King was her husband. Just that shift
of syntax that would make her central and
her marriage part of the story of her life.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
MLK's birthday I listened to an interesting
discussion on the radio. One person said
Martin was saint. Another talked about the
importance of not making people heroes. It
was more important to believe that if Martin
could do it then we could all do. I think both things
are true.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really believe in a vertical story
line. Some times things are better and some
times things are worse. And which times
are which are a matter of perspective. I
didn't know any of these people and yet I feel the loss
of them. But I wonder if it's because I experience
myself in time and the cast of characters are leaving
the stage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fifty
two plus years ago there was a wedding and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethel_Rosenberg">a
funeral</a> and birth. More than one of each. But I
pick the ones that make the meaning I chose and tell
the story I want to hear. A story about social change.
Which is, of course, the constant. Change. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1505)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1505"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1203"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
6 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
12:34 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1203"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1203" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1203"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1203"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Perhaps
the reason I am not a more published writer is that
I miss so many submission deadlines. This morning I
realized that I had missed the deadline to be in the
<a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/02/03/the-big-fat-carnival-second-call-for-submissions/#comments">Big
Fat Carnival.</a> I didn't really get that there was
a deadline and was waiting till tomorrow to post. Ah
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Elayne
linked <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2006/02/calorie-commandos-as-readers-know-last.html">her
entry</a> and, having just read it, I am inspired to
write my own today rather than wait. I laughed as I
read it. A commiserate laugh. And I shook my head when
her first comment is a link to fitness site from a (cough)
well intending soul. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
intended to write about health. I lurk on a list serve
of Health At Every Size people. I lurk because many
of the people are health professionals. Dietitians,
Doctors, people who work with eating disorders, exercise
teachers. There some writers and activists but there
are little dust ups about how fat positive the conversations
can/ought to be. My sense of the group, in the beginning,
was that they wanted to focus on research. I think that
has shifted somewhat but all I bring to any conversation
is my own experience. I never felt like that was what
they wanted but I like to get the information. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
resent the idea that I need to study health to be able
to make the argument for the right of my body to be
what it is. In the early days of the <a href="http://www.largesse.net/Archives/FU/Life%20In%20The%20Fat%20Underground%20by%20Sara%20Fishman.html">Fat
Underground</a> Lynn McAffee brought her great wisdom
to the group. They did the work and <a href="http://www.largesse.net/Archives/FU/">wrote
the arguments</a> and the HAES community continues
to <a href="http://www.gurze.net/site12_5_00/newsletterhes.htm">make
the argument</a> and I am grateful to them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
often think that my attitude about health comes from
having a body that was problamatized from the beginning.
Add to that the live-fast-die-young ethos of rock and
roll. I was always more interested in the chaos of drugs
and alcohol and the music of the night. But I was also
good hippie chick who was interested in granola and
yoga and I was foodie who was interested in fusion and
technique and the next food trend. And now I am a 52
year old who gets stomach aches if I eat too much cheese.
I am more "healthy" in my eating and exercise
habits than I ever have been but I am still somewhat
ambivalent about health and I am still fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is diabetes in my family history. Ironically it comes
from my father's side of the family, which is not the
fat side of the family. My blood sugar has been borderline
for years. Of course the criteria for diabetes was changed
in 1998. When you read that there are more cases of
diabetes you should also know that the metric was shifted.
I just know how I feel and I know that, as I get older,
how I feel is always shifting. I don't like stomach
aches and I don't like energy crashes so I eat with
an awareness of protein and sugar and try not to get
too hyper about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is also high blood pressure in my family history, also
from my dad. When a doctor made a laundry list of the
things that might mean I would have a heart attack,
or stroke he included my borderline blood sugar, slightly
high blood pressure, family history, menopause and my
weight. I didn't mind the inclusion of my weight in
the list. I mind when my weight is the reason for everything
else. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the places where the fat community gathers to talk about
it all heath becomes a battleground. What we talk about
and how we talk about it becomes peckish and fraught.
I have listened while fat women in fat community events
pour their heart out in frustration because they struggle
with compulsive overeating and don't feel like they
can talk about it. I've listened to diabetics rationalize
their adherence to Atkins. I've heard tales of fat people
feeling hurt because someone was drinking a diet soda
at a fat positive event. It gets quite muddled. And
any mention of the possible impact of weight on health
causes hackles to rise.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
a thought experiment imagine that you are telling a
tall person that you heard that being taller is harder
on the back and knees. It is unlikely that you
feel like they can do much about that. But if you say
the same thing to a fat person how much of you assumes
that they should try to lose weight? And what about
a runner, or athlete, or dancer? What they do is often
hard on their bodies. Should they stop?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
about values.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
some one tells me that my back and knees would hurt
less if I were not fat it feels like the most useless
thing in the world to say. It might be true but it assumes
so much. It assumes that I have never tried to lose
weight. It assumes how much I eat and exercise. It assumes
that I would prefer thinness. And that assumption is
annoying and hurtful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the rhetoric of the Obesity Epidemic being fat is a
life style choice. And there are fat people who like
to eat a lot of not particularly healthy food and don't
like to move much. There are also thin people who like
to eat a lot of not particularly healthy food and don't
like to move much and it's just as bad for their health
but no one seems too worried about them. We may well
have a eat bad food and don't move epidemic. But it's
not as easy to talk about with no target. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
foodie and the granola girl in me always wants people
to eat better food but I don't question their morality
if they don't. Eating a cupcakes should never be thought
of as a sin. Eating a cupcake when you haven't had any
protein and have blood sugar that runs high might not
be smart. But it isn't a measure of your character.
Really good people do really dumb things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.largesse.net/Archives/FU/compulsive.html">Compulsive
over eating</a> is an issue for the fat community. Not
because all fat people eat compulsively but because
some of us do and because it's part of the cultural
view of us. We are in the best position to talk about
it because we aren't interested in the person being
less than what they are. We are interested in their
emotional health. It's not about food. It's not even
about weight. It's about power. We need to be the ones
having the conversation and making the analysis because
we are holding the idea that the person's weight is
not a pathology. We are the safe place for them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
people say obtuse things. People make the assumption
that we all want to be thin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
person who left the comment for Elayne probably is well
intended. She makes the excuse for the site she links
that Americans are obsessed with weight loss and Elayne
rightly asks her which came first the obsession or the
product. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
came first the obsession or the value? I value every
pound of my body. I value the lessons learned from the
life I have lived in this body. It is an effort for
me to value my health but I know that my lack of value
for health is a hostile reaction to a world that talks
to me about health when it means weight loss. So it's
a value I have to learn. Because if fat people
don't do the thinking and talking about their health
they will always be too reliant on people who may not
have their best interest in mind. People with products.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lynn
McAffee's talk to an employee conference was included
in <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/fat/etc/script.html">a
series about fat done by Frontline</a>. She said:</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="607">
<tr>
<td width="601">
<p align="justify"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
hope in your entire life, you never need the courage that I need just every day to get up and get out the door.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I resent the fact that I need to be my own health advocate.
I am annoyed by the presumption that I would rather
be thin. I wonder how much healthier I might be if I
weren't braced for rejection and criticism and hostility
and presumtion. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Worried
about my health? Or just unwilling to challenge your
ideas about fat bodies? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Barry
did a <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/02/03/anti-fat-science-uk-edition/#comments">great
post.</a> I love the idea of the carnival. If I'm linked
that's cool. If not it's still a great idea and I look
forward to the festivities. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1506)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1506"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1204"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
8 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
10:32 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1204"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1204" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1204"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1204"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/02/08/the-big-fat-carnival-first-edition/">The
Big Fat Carnival</a> rocks! And I was linked because
Barry is the sweetest. The first post I read ( after
<a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2006/02/calorie-commandos-as-readers-know-last.html">Elayne's</a>)
was this one at <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/02/07/because-being-fat-is-worse-than-being-insane-apparently/">Feministe</a>.
It is just infuriating. </span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="590">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The young psychiatrist wasn�t sure. The treatment had reversed a
Faustian pact in which Nia had been beautiful and mad, and replaced it
with another�in which she was fat and sane. But was it really a
blessing that Nia seemed to have no conception of what she had lost?</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when I'm trying to explain fat politics to my thin and
average sized friends I feel like they can't understand.
But can anyone read that and not get it? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
<a href="http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2006/02/beautiful-madness.html">this
reaction</a> touched me because it reiterates that quote
I pulled from Lynn in my post. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="590">
<tr>
<td width="584">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I just want to take a moment to address something I found particularly
distressing in the piece�the notion that �fat� and �beautiful� are
mutually exclusive. My entire life I was teased for being fat. Even
when I was thin, I had large breasts, which got translated into being
fat by my pre-teen peers. I was 12 years old, and not a pound
overweight but already sporting D-cups the first time I got called �a
fat cow.� I�ve spent my whole life feeling fat, whether I was or not.
And consequently, I never felt beautiful, because there�s no such thing
in our culture as being both fat and beautiful.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
you tell nice thin and average sized people these things
they agree that it's horrible. But do they GET IT? Back
when I did the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2003.htm#e412">thin
privilege list</a> I was hoping for something like this.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="560">
<tr>
<td width="554"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">First things first: I have thin privilege. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">More than this, though, I�ve grown up in a family (immediate and
extended) that is obsessed with weight. I�ve been taught by my family,
by the media, and by society that �overweight� people (ie. people who
aren�t paper thin like me) are sad, pathetic, unhealthy, undesirable,
and disgusting. I�ve fought against this idea since I can remember but
I still sometimes find myself judging people with extra weight. I can�t
count the number of times that I�ve been discussing something with my
friends, whether it be weight, fashion, health or something like that,
and I hear myself say something disparaging about overweight or obese
people. And those are the times that I </span></font><i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">notice</span></font></i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> myself doing that, what about all the times that I don�t? </span></font></p></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are a lot of great posts and I'm not going to relink
them all but I recommend spending some time working
through it all. There's some <a href="http://capitalismbad.blogspot.com/2006/02/being-purple.html">impressive
thinking. </a></span></font></p>
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<tr>
<td width="568">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We grew up the daughters of women who were preparing our food (while
hating their bodies), knowing that one day we should do the same for
others. We tried to become women in our mother's footsteps; food is
about being nutured and nuturing, and it's dangerous.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Of course fat is about more than that: it's about having your body
change to a woman's body when you're a teenager, it's about accepting
and rejecting society's standards for women, it's about your sexuality,
it's about punishing and rewarding, it's about taking up space, it's
about being invisible. But it is about being women.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read one sentence so many times as I read through the
posts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just want to stop hating my body.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
the luckiest thing in my life was that I had a fat grandmother
who did not hate her body and scoffed at any notion
that I should hate my own. When I decided not to diet
anymore and to love the size of my ass I already had
a foundation on which to build. I have hated my body.
I sometimes still do. But I always return to the commitment
I made so many years ago. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will not hate my body. And the Obesity Epidemic is a
war on my body. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="625">
<tr>
<td width="619">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">So whether your issues are body size, body shape, BMI, aging, ability, or just about anything else, you </span></font><i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">don�t</span></font></i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
own your body, unless you do the work to reclaim it. And although that
work never ends, it does get easier, and it�s worth every minute! (<a href="http://laurietobyedison.com/discuss/?p=133">more</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Barry
did an amazing thing. Which can be said about him often
and should be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1507)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1507"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1205"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
9 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
2:57 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1205"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1205" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1205"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1205"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Stop
me before I click reload again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the reasons I stopped participating in forums was
because it's so easy for me to become obsessed. I hate
the feeling when you post and go back and a whole conversation
has ensued without you. Something similar happens when
I make a post and am looking for comments. I used
to get an e-mail when someone left a comment but I can't
send the good folks at YACCS any money so I don't anymore.
Which is OK because my blogging drifts both in terms
of reading and writing. I've struggled to be in on so
many conversations and felt so left out. In my effort
to cool out on all that I've withdrawn. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
today I am watching for comments from the carnival and
Paul very kindly <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001792.php">linked
the post</a> so I'm checking in there over and over
and hawking my own site. Reload. Reload. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking of the use of the word lumpenly in <a href="http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=7321&category=175&issue=517">the
article</a> about fat being a negative by product of
being sane. I think the word is being used in a way
that one might use lumpy. But lumpen is about people
who are cut off from the socioeconomic class with which
they might be associated. As in<a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=lumpenproletariat.">
lumpen proletariat</a>. Lumpish can mean mentally sluggish.
The sentence in the article uses the word in a way that
suggests that the young woman was no longer part of
her culture (the culture of beauty) but is suggestive
of more for me. It's the view of fat people as an underclass
that is being inferred. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://de.geocities.com/veblenite/txt/tlc.txt">Veblen
wrote</a> about body and class in his kooky way.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="660">
<tr>
<td width="654">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> It is more or
less a rule that in communities which are at the stage of economic development
at which women are valued by the upper class for their service, the ideal of
female beauty is a robust, large-limbed woman. The ground of appreciation is the
physique, while the conformation of the face is of secondary weight only. A
well-known instance of this ideal of the early predatory culture is that of the
maidens of the Homeric poems.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This ideal suffers a change in the succeeding development, when, in the
conventional scheme, the office of the high-class wife comes to be a vicarious
leisure simply. The ideal then includes the characteristics which are supposed
to result from or to go with a life of leisure consistently enforced. The ideal
accepted under these circumstances may be gathered from descriptions of
beautiful women by poets and writers of the chivalric times. In the conventional
scheme of those days ladies of high degree were conceived to be in perpetual
tutelage, and to be scrupulously exempt from all useful work. The resulting
chivalric or romantic ideal of beauty takes cognizance chiefly of the face, and
dwells on its delicacy, and on the delicacy of the hands and feet, the slender
figure, and especially the slender waist. In the pictured representations of the
women of that time, and in modern romantic imitators of the chivalric thought
and feeling, the waist is attenuated to a degree that implies extreme debility. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">In
the course of economic development the ideal of beauty among the peoples of the
Western culture has shifted from the woman of physical presence to the lady, and
it is beginning to shift back again to the woman; and all in obedience to the
changing conditions of pecuniary emulation.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
he goes on and on but there is this idea of weight being
working class. Fine with me. I just don't think the
author of the article meant to be classist. Perhaps
I'm wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I need to reload my page. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1508)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1508"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1206"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
12 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
8:55 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1206"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1206" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1206"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1206"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
and I just watched <a href="http://www.kids-with-cameras.org/bornintobrothels/">Born
into Brothels</a>. And then I rooted through Kristina's
LJ to see when <a href="http://redzenradish.livejournal.com/81858.html?mode=reply">she
watched it</a> because she did a cool thing with a photo
of her cat and a photo from the movie. We were braced
for a difficult movie and it was difficult but also
full of charm and some hope. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
confusing when you see really beautiful photographs
of really difficult lives. Having a howbeautiful/howhorrible
response at the same time is disorienting. One of the
young men in the movie talks about this in the movie.
He says, "We need to see these things because they
are the truth." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
of the <a href="http://www.kids-with-cameras.org/aboutthekids/">kids
and their photos</a> are on the site but not the one
that is still in my head. It was a black and white photo
of a young man resting his head on a step. Hard to describe.
It was a portrait so suggestive that I wonder if I was
projecting. Is he miserable? Tired? Just enjoying a
moment to himself? Impossible to say.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
grabbed the new epigraph from <a href="http://darkdaughta.blogspot.com/">dark
daughta</a> because it felt apropos to conversations
I've been having lately. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
week was a weird week for me at the pool. Even the early
swim was crowded. My script got lost in the mail and
I didn't have the cash to get more. By Saturday morning
I was disgruntled and, despite the fact that I was awake
in plenty of time to go, I didn't. The minute that it
was too late to go I had a big emotional reaction.
"Why am I like this? I know I would feel better
if I were at the pool right now and not sitting here."
It was like some internal stick with which I was hitting
myself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometime
later I got an e-mail from the guy who runs the pool.
The warm pool was closed because of some contamination
problem. If I had gone I wouldn't have been able to
swim. Having invested all that energy in beating
myself I was confused about how to feel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
whole story is typical of me. I go into reaction mode
and am stubborn and petulant. I come out of the mode
and hate that I was there. I learn that there was no
great loss during the reaction phase and then I feel
like I need to detox from the drama. Most of which has
happened in my head. I felt a little wobbly for the
rest of the day. When Deb called today I was happy to
have someone snap me out of my stupor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Caroline
has a <a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/storyofnow.htm">cool
break down</a> of the riff she did that <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1201">I
liked so much.</a></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="552">
<tr>
<td width="546">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Nor Hall says further,"Before creative awakening,
there's an incubation period that feels gray, motionless, and utterly
without passion. There's no horizon, and no promise of its ending." <br>
<br>
This is one aspect of the Underworld and the challenging irk from which
we begin the ascent�<br>
<br>
But there's a rhythm�we're not supposed to be cheerful all the time.
Poet-ally Robert Bly says: "No one ever got grounded by being cheerful
all the time�god-damned cheerful cults..."<br>
<br>
In the ancient world, the astrological world, the interior world,
despair reminds us that there's always something going on when it feels
like nothing is going on consciously.<br>
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="549">
<tr>
<td width="543">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">If we don't have a regular process in which we
allow part of ourselves to descend, be unfertile, be depressed, then
this part of our psyches will smash down doors, cause big trouble, and
the dead will eat the living�Kinda like now. An immature people will
go to war, be conned into war. Confronted with complexity, infantile
humanity reverts to blood sacrifice as a superstitious diversion.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep trying to calmthefuckdown. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are these easy psychological constructs of the fat person
that get talked about in pop psychology. The one I hate the
most is the idea that fat people eat for reasons other
than physiological need as if no one else does and as
if something is wrong with it. I see - No more
comfort eating! - on magazines at the grocery store.
It makes me furious.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you are taught to mistrust your desire you begin to
doubt every internal impulse. There's this idea that
if we really let ourselves have what we desire we will
go way overboard. And if we really dive we'll never
come out of the dive. And maybe that happens sometimes.
But.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="591">
<tr>
<td width="585">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Again the invaluable Nor Hall : "By striving for
exact information, one loses the capacity to live with the wax and wane
of doubts and certainties. Things become one-sided and unbalanced. In
placing too much emphasis on achievement and production, in the
excessive valuation of logical conclusions, in placing inordinate
emphasis on youth and beauty, in pushing the environment for an
ever-increasing yield, we set ourselves up for an invasion of the
opposite side. What we get then is destruction, poverty, madness,
death, ugliness, famine and depletion of natural resources."</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Tonight I feel softened and comforted. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1509)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1509"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1207"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
15 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
1:48 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1207"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1207" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1207"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1207"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
row of cherry trees on the block next to mine is in
bloom. It's very pink and the air is filled with perfume.
In too short a time the sidewalk will be covered with
pink petal dots and red smashed cherry blotches. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
and the arrival of some extremely beautiful asparagus
gives the illusion of spring. In SF the seasons don't
fit into four boxes. They sort of leap frog back and
forth. It's never really winter and rarely summer.
Mostly just spring and summer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
it's unkind to mention this when so many people are
under feet of snow. But it's a grass is always
greener thing. Or maybe snow is always whiter. Or cherry
trees are always pinker. I miss distinct seasons. Spring
and fall are my favorite. Fall most of all. So I can't
really complain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1510)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1510"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1208"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
16 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
9:51 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1208"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1208" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1208"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1208"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was flipping through the channels last night in what
proved to be a futile attempt to find something to watch.
I paused when I saw a woman who looked familiar on the
Tyra Banks show. It was <a href="http://www.jackieguerra.com/about.htm">Jackie
Guerra</a> and much to my dismay she was talking about
"the surgery". I've been aware of her since
her sitcom, which was great because she was representing
for Latina's and fat grrrls in a very positive manner.
I noticed her again when she was on one of my <a href="http://www.pbs.org/americanfamily/">favorite
shows.</a> She's a fine actor.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So,
now she's had "the surgery" and was on the
Tyra show to promote her new book. I tuned in just as
she was being surprised by Carnie Wilson. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now.
This gets hard for me to write. I don't like saying
things about how people look unless I can say they look
great. And I almost always can say that because people
really do look great to me most of the time. I particularly
don't like saying things about how women look. Women
deal with too much of that. But I went to bed thinking
about this and I woke up thinking about it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jackie
looked unwell. To me. She looked like someone who had
been sick. Carnie has gained some weight. Most of the
people who get this reprehensible surgery do gain at
least fifty percent of the post surgery weight loss
back. And. To me. Carnie looks much better now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had this same experience in my twenties when a few of
my friends lost weight on the pineapple diet. Remember
that one? You ate a whole pineapple before every meal.
Something about the enzymes was supposed to make your
metabolism work faster or something. The women I knew
I had been lovely round women. I would never have said
they were fat. They were just full and luscious. After
they lost the weight they looked ... unwell. To me.
I have friends who are very thin or average sized by
nature and they don't look unwell to me. But these women
(Jackie and Carnie included) look like something has
gone wrong with their bodies when they get so thin.
Even with the little bit of weight gain Carnie looks
more robust and natural. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
of this language is problematic for me because I don't
like assessing people's appearance and especially not
women and especially not famous women so I feel the
need to continue to qualify this all by saying that
this is how it looks to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well,
Carnie and Jackie had a big love fest and were saying
all kinds of things about weight that worked my nerves
so I clicked away but I kept going back. I could only
watch for a few minutes and then I'd click away again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
make choices about their bodies. I feel like they have
that right. I want people to respect the choices I make
for my body and I so I try to do the same. I prefer
to aim my outrage at the system that creates the atmosphere
in which people make these kinds of choices and these
two young women are in the same looksist, fat hating
system we all are in plus they're in Hollywood where
it's all so much more hyper. But I do feel angry because
I know that there are people who will see them and make
the choice to have the surgery, or just feel bad about
themselves. These talk shows have powerful juju in the
world of meaning making. And seeing these women being
fat and beautiful and involved was a positive juju.
Their new message feels so toxic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
overwhelming feeling after watching these women was
sadness. It is sad that the fat revolution has lost
two beautiful fat women but I don't believe I can
hold anyone to an obligation to represent for my cause.
I felt sad because these women who used to look so vital
and alive to me now look unwell, disproportionate and
very hopped up, as if they need to convince themselves
and us that they're so much happier. But this is television
and this is the land of product and there is now a new
book to sell. So everyone smiles and laughs and pitches
and talks about health and bodies and weight in ways
that are not at all useful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so I turned it all off and picked up a book. Much better
for my health.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1512)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1512"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1209"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
17 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
11:51 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1209"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1209" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1209"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1209"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I was reading <a href="http://darkdaughta.blogspot.com/2006/02/unpacking-invisible-knapsack-of-sexual.html">a
post by dark daughta</a> in which she references <a href="http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/%7Emcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html">Peggy
McIntosh</a> and writes a conservative sexual privilege
list. I like the privilege list process. I intended
to make a separate page for the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/October2003.htm#e412">thin
privilege list</a> I wrote but I wanted to get the additions
to the list in the comments, which at that point had
been archived and I couldn't figure out how to access
them. And I didn't actually want to use them all but
how would I make that distinction? It's problematic
that I'm not thin. The hope is that these lists are
written by people who are doing the work to understand
their privilege in the world. But I made <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/ThinPrivilege.htm">the page</a> and
created <a href="http://thinprivilege.forumup.org/?mforum=thinprivilege">a
forum</a> in which to discuss it. If you want to add
to the list you can put your addition in the forum.
If that's a hassle for you just leave it in the comments.
I'll take it to the forum and if I add it I'll credit
you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
usually use the terms thin and/or average sized. Some
people are just naturally thin and some people are neither
thin nor fat. The terms are problematic since so many
people identify as fat when they have ten or twenty
pounds more than what they think they should. And the
average size is what is considered fat. The first time
I wrote the list I used average size for the list title.
I'm hoping no one picks on these distinctions because,
although it might be an interesting discussion, it should
be obvious if you "fit" into the thin as it
is privileged group. No matter where you feel you fit
the list is a rhetorical tool and is by its nature reductive.
It's intended to trigger thought and conversation about
assumption and centrality and well ... privilege. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
page is simple right now. If it generates any response
I may add a link list. I'm not sure if it needs one.
I'm open to suggestions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
dark daughter's post she asks the questions:</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="470">
<tr>
<td width="464">
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:arial; font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">Dear fellow political bloggers...<br>Can you not work to narrow the support bases of your own struggles?</font></span><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><br></span></font><span style="font-family:arial; font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">Can you take a closer look at the baggage you're forcing others to carry on your behalfs?</font></span><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><br></span></font><span style="font-family:arial; font-size:10pt;"><font face="Arial">Can
you think about sharing the relative safety and access you have with
people positioned even farther to the left than you are on continuums
of power and dominance where you experience privilege?</font></span></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
good questions. Questions I often ponder when wanting
support around fat issues. And so I asked myself if
I identify as a sexual conservative. I don't. Not in
terms of how I think. But if you look at my life I may
be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can be shy in conversations about sex. Not in the abstract
but in the personal. I don't have that much experience,
which may be because I'm fat but I don't think so.
I know too many fat people who have great relationships
and happy sex lives. It's really about some complicated
personal history. I think. I'm really unsure about it.
I feel like I ought to have more certainty about it
all but I don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
live in city that celebrates sexually diversity. And,
even here, bias occurs. I am complete support of
same sex marriage and I yet I am aware that a victory
in that battle would still leave single and people who
don't choose the institution of marriage without the
benefits enjoyed by the legally wed. I have never wanted
to be married but I have always wanted to be in relationship.
What does it mean about me that I have always wanted
something and never managed to find it? Is it bad psychology?
Bad luck? Do I think I want something that I don't really
want? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a really fun conversation with a friend recently
in which was explaining why monogamy doesn't work. I
asked her how she reconciled that position with her
issues in a relationship in which she had a desire to
be central and maybe even only and then we laughed at
how hard it can be to live with your intentions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
none of these personal musing means that I think silencing
and marginalizing is acceptable. And the privilege list
is a way to wake up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1513)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1513"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1210"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
20 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
8:12 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1210"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1210" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1210"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1210"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
discussion of <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/ThinPrivilege.htm">the
list</a> occurred (and may still be occuring
) at <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/02/17/link-farm-and-open-thread-10/">Amp's</a>.
There was a moment yesterday when I had
to back away from the screen and let myself
react without reserve. Having read <a href="http://trishwilson.typepad.com/blog/2006/02/the_secret_caus.html">a
post on how tone causes flames</a> I thought
I might want to keep some of my reactions
to myself. I mean. Really. There are times
when I want to say - it's a fat thing. You
wouldn't understand.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
THAT is exactly why I like privilege lists.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I reread the <a href="http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/%7Emcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html">McIntosh</a>
list. I first heard her on a tape of a
lecture and the thing I always remember
is her talking about how band aids come
in "flesh tone". I've never forgotten
it. There are certainly bigger issues and
more hurtful things to think and talk about
but that one thing about the band aids stuck
with me in terms of the million little things
that infer dominance, centrality and norm.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
McIntosh list is full of the phrase - I
can be pretty sure. And some of the things
on list are easy to break down. She writes:</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="557">
<tr>
<td width="551"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which
I am the only member of my race.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Is
that true if you're a white woman in a room
full of white men? Not so much. But do I
think she should take it off the list? No.
I get that it's something that may not happen
and probably does not happen for many people
of color a lot of the time. It's not
an absolute truth. It's something to contemplate.
And maybe if you're white and you're in
a room in which there is only one person
of color you can be more aware. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
from McIntosh. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="425">
<tr>
<td width="419"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to
my color.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
laughed. Out loud. And my first thought
was that if I did that someone might think
that I'm fat because I don't stop eating
long enough to speak. We are all judged.
But the purpose of the list as a rhetorical
tool is to spend a minute thinking how it
would feel to do something silly and inconsequential
and have it be put down to your race,
gender, sexually preference, ethnicity,
size or ability. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
changed the name of the list back to average
size privilege after thinking about a comment
from <a href="http://redneckfeminist.blogspot.com/">drum
girl</a> and reading through the comments
<a href="http://pandagon.net/2006/02/18/modesty-thats-what-body-doubles-are-for/#comments">on
a post she pointed me to</a>, which is just
chock full of assumptions about thin bodies
and fat bodies. I still think there
are ways in which thin bodies have privilege
but I also think the list needs work and
it might be better to begin with the middle
of the curve (as it were) and not either
end. As I've already said I am aware that
the average sized woman in this country
is considered fat but please. It's a way
to think about it all not a declaration
of absolute truth.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">McIntosh
speaks to the problematic nature of parallels.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="490">
<tr>
<td width="484">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Difficulties and angers surrounding the task of finding parallels are
many. Since racism, sexism, and heterosexism are not the same, the advantages
associated with them should not be seen as the same. In addition, it is
hard to disentangle aspects of unearned advantage that rest more on social
class, economic class, race, religion, sex, and ethnic identity that on
other factors.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
searching for the <a href="http://www.buffalostate.edu/orgs/rspms/combahee.html">Combahee
River Collective Statement</a> referenced
by McIntosh I found an <a href="http://culturecat.net/node/155">old
post</a> with a wonderful riff from <a href="http://www.nomylamm.com/">Nomi
Lamm.</a></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="498">
<tr>
<td width="492">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When I think about all the marks I have against me in this society, I
am amazed that I haven't turned into some worthless lump of shit.
Fatkikecripplecuntqueer. In a nutshell. But then I have to take into
account the fact that I'm an articulate, white, middle class college
kid, and that provides me with a hell of a lot of privilege and
opportunity for dealing with my oppression that may not be available to
other oppressed people. And since my personality/being isn't divided up
into a privileged part and an oppressed part, I have to deal with the
ways that these things interact, counterbalance and sometimes even
overshadow each other. For example, I was born with one leg. I guess
it's a big deal, but it's never worked into my body image in the same
way that being fat has. And what does it mean to be a white woman as
opposed to a woman of color? A middle-class fat girl as opposed to a
poor fat girl? What does it mean to be fat, physically disabled and
bisexual? (Or fat, disabled, and </span></font><i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">sexual at all?</span></font></i><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not about myoppressionisworsethanyouroppression.
It's about how systems establish and maintain
hierarchies and about how any one of us,
individually, is advantaged by the system.
It's not an action plan, a manifesto or
a creed. It's a way to consider, contemplate
and discuss. I am thinking about the list
and may make changes and, again, I will
add things if anyone has suggestions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1514)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1514"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1211"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
21 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
1:16 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1211"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1211" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1210"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1211"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
more than two days after I sang the praises
of the cherry blossoms and asparagus a cold
snap hit. Nothing like what they're experiencing
in the midwest or the east but cold for
us. I sit for as long as I can in the sauna
after I swim, trying to get my core temperature up.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
pool was quiet this morning. Just a few regulars. When
the early swim first started it was pitch black outside
as I walked there and just beginning to get light when
I came home. The street lights on Lombard formed a zigzag
constellation. With each passing week the light begins
earlier. The sky is indigo when I leave and fully lit
when I come home. Or a lit as it's gonna be. Patchy
morning fog is one of the first phrases I hear almost
every morning on the news. It may or may not clear.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
want some coffee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1515)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1515"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1212"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
22 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
9:20 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1212"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1212" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1212"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1212"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't going to write about fat politics for a few days
because I'm a little discouraged at the lack of response
to the list. But I was at SF Gate looking for articles
about the moratorium on executions in California brought
on by the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2006/02/22/MNGSUHCJFB1.DTL">postponement
of an execution last night</a> and I saw the new <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/morford/">Morford
column</a> in which he talks about fat tourists. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="434">
<tr>
<td width="428">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Indeed, during my vacation I met and spoke with a great
many of these people, most of whom were wonderful and kind and generous
as any you can hope to meet in your life, full of warmth and humor and
friendliness. Massive weight, of course, has little to do with
personality type, though I imagine it has quite a lot to do with
upbringing and education and a weird sheen of malaise, of apathy, a
profound disconnect between the functioning of the world and the
systems of the flesh.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel like there's fire coming out of the top of my head.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
goes on to say that there are no fat people in San Francisco.</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="433">
<tr>
<td width="427">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Here in the famed San Francisco bubble, with its
incredible array of spas and outdoor activities and yoga studios, our
love of Whole Foods and farmers' markets and organic everything, you
simply don't see this level of physical neglect, this utter rejection
of the body as something to be cultivated and cared for. It is simply
not a factor.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Clearly
we haven't met. We haven't met when I was in my yoga
class. We haven't met when I was shopping at Whole Foods.
We haven't met when I was at the pool. Me and my bad
upbringing, lack of education, (My MFA program forgot
to have the fat hatred seminar.) my apathy and
my utter rejection of my body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fire.
Lots of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
we do meet I won't be on of the warm, friendly, humorous,
fat people he condescends to describe and I'm sure he'll
find a way to blame that on my weight as well. I may
write to him but he never responded to my <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2005.htm#e1175">open
letter</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
This is how it feels sometimes. I want to write about
the cherry blossoms and the asparagus and the political
concerns of the day. It's just hard to concentrate with
all this fire coming out of my head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1516)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1516"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1213"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
26 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
3:36 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1213"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1213" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1213"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1213"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wow.
I stopped checking the thread about health and wellness
on <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001792.php#comments">BFB</a>
because I thought it had played out and I was reacting
to some tone and I got caught up in the thread at <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2006/02/17/link-farm-and-open-thread-10/">Alas</a>
and other things having nothing to do with blogs and
fat politics. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
spend the morning reading through the BFB comments,
somewhat drop jawed. Not in any particular judgement.
Just. Amazement. There is so much passion, condescension,
support, misunderstanding. It's all there. And it's
in the comments on the post at Alas. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://trishwilson.typepad.com/blog/2006/02/the_secret_caus.html">post
about tone and flame wars</a> came back to me. It's
so easy to react to a perceived tone. I do all the time.
Sometimes I doubt it's possible to have complex conversation
in comment boxes because things get so hopped up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
one way of looking at it both threads get high jacked
by the same thief. The oversimplification of the lives
and concerns of fat people. At Alas a guy drops the
eat just-less-exercise-more bomb and everyone goes after
him. At BFB the resistance to any talk about eating
and exercise in relationship body size stumbles over
itself and makes things harder than they need to be.
I can't quite figure out how to jump in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched some of the <a href="http://inside.c-spanarchives.org:8080/cspan/cspan.csp?command=dprogram&record=193391004">state
of the black union on CSPAN</a> yesterday. I like these
events because it is a bunch of great thinking. It's
a think tank on fast forward. But it is media. It is
too much in too short a time. I imagine that the real
work gets done back stage and afterward. And it's a
little bit hard to listen to really radical thinkers
and see the backdrop full of corporate sponsors but
... oh well. As much as I do like to listen to that
kind of thing I am aware of the limits of the discourse.
Time. The fact that it's on television. The need to
sound smart and snappy. It shapes what is said and who
gets the most time to talk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about
me was Barry's characterization that a post I wrote
was annoyingly difficult to sum up in a single sentence.
When he was here we discussed the possibility that I'm
not a more popular blogger because I don't write snappy
little sound bytes. It's not that I don't try. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Almost
nothing feels simple to me but simplicity is something
I admire. Real truths often feel simple. When it comes
to bodies and health and weight things are complicated.
Those of us who identify as fat and/or are seen as fat
have different concerns. I wrote the post that Paul
so kindly linked to open the conversation. It felt like,
for some people, the mere mention of food and exercise
was counter revolutionary. I wrote <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/ThinPrivilege.htm">the
list</a> in the hope of catalyzing some conversation
on fat issues by thin and average sized bloggers. And
somehow that conversation hit the food and exercise
wall. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Long
ago I put a cartoon in my journal in which a tall, fat
woman stands towering over a small guru guy in full
lotus. The caption is the guy saying, "Consume
fewer calories than you burn." At the time it made
me laugh because of my own experiences with my guru
and the quest for higher truth. It still makes me laugh
because it's such a comment on how that is the only
thing anyone every seems to want to say to a fat person.
You go looking for enlightenment and you get a diet.
You go looking for political analysis and you get
a diet. It makes me laugh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
some times it makes me want to rage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
some times it makes me want to cry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1517)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1517"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1214"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">February
27 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2006
3:05 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1214"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1214" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2006.htm#e1214"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1214"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
having trouble with mail. I send e-mail that people
never receive. People send me things I don't get. I
(I still don't know if you saw that movie, Marie.) Mom
sent me two things via snail mail that I never got.
Park & Rec sent me swim script that I never got.
One of my Netflix movies is MIA. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
only recently got spam protection. Every day I go through
the spam box and rescue things and every day I report
new spam. I do get a lot. I find it amusing that my
daily e-mail from Monster gets tossed into the spam
box. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
for the snail mail I went to the post office (six blocks
away four of which are a hill) and was given the number
of a guy at the processing center (one flat block away)
(not that I minded the walk but it is ironic) who said
my mail may have been stolen from the box. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
OK. Except. Wouldn't I be able to tell if my box had
been broken into? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mom
went to the PO at her end and was given a 800 number.
She wants me to call that number. She wants an investigation.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was thinking about this way in which my mom expects
systems to work. She has pushed until the insurance
company who wasn't sure the post heart attack ambulance
ride for my stepfather was a medical necessity paid
the bill. She can be a force of nature. It isn't that
she thinks the system should work for her. She simply
thinks it should work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I,
on the other hand, doubt the system works and thinks
it really doesn't work for me. That extra personal bit
is where I know my thinking gets fuzzy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
fuzzy thinking isn't always a bad thing. The <a href="http://www.kissmyface.com/Product/Kiss+My+Face/Shower+Gels/1401667EA/">soap</a>
I use becomes hard to get out of the bottle. Sometimes
I drain it into a cup but what I really like is to have
a second bottle, use it half way and then marry the
two. I love watching the empty bottle fill up. It makes
me feel like I have more soap. I know I don't but it
feels good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure what to do about the mail. Netflix doesn't
freak if you lose a movie or two. Park & Rec won't
send me any more script in the mail, which is a drag.
And I didn't get my valentine from mom this year. Pout.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1518)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1518"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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