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<td width="687"><p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>February</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e976" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e976"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e976"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e774"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Elections make me misty eyed.
Seriously. Photographs of people proudly showing the
ink on their fingers brings tears to my eyes. I want
to be positive about it. And then I think about the
overwhelming military presence, the separate polling
places for men and women, women being searched. It's
all so fraught. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel like no matter how much I read I don't enough.
But I do know it all feels so tender and precarious.
Every time I hear the word freedom I hear Janis Joplin
singing - freedom is just another word for nothing left
to lose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
pictures still bring up these complex emotions. Feelings
about all the things we wish we were. Hope we are. Feelings
about how power shadows the best of our intentions.
And still. Every finger matters. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1276)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1276"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e977" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e977"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e977"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:52
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e777"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My official goal is to send
out four pieces of writing
a month. That's one a week.
Although I don't need to
send them out every week.
Just four in a month. And
I'm going to keep a record.
And I'm going to send out
query letters to agents
and publishers. It seems
like I should have a number
on that too but it also
seems like there's a more
finite quality to that.
But I'm going to keep track
of it all in this little
book. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And,
I did some writing. Which
feels good. But also hard.
I'm sorta shocked by how
hard it is. I don't know why. It would be hard for me
to do fifty sit ups right now. And that's how it feels.
Like muscles that I haven't used enough. And now I'm
using them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1277)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1277"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e978" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e978"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e978"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e778"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
When I went to bed last night
I thought I was gonna fall
into deep zzzz's right away.
I was really tired. But the
<a href="http://www.pier39.com/entertainment/entertainment.cfm/attraction/1000011">lions</a>
were restless. So loud I
thought they had walked
up the street and were hanging
out in the parking lot.
And I couldn't get comfortable.
My back hurt. My hip hurt.
My knee hurt. I was just
tossing around. I shoulda
read. But I just wanted
to be asleep. When I woke
up I was determined to stay in bed until I was rested.
But by nine I'd had enough. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wrote all this early this morning and then wondered
who in the world cares how I slept. It is, of course,
a rhetorical thought. I read people's thoughts about
how they slept. <a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/ahappening/2005/02/morning_verses.html">Some
people write</a> rather more poetically than I do about
it. But still. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I never published my second post yesterday. I'm having
a couple of days in which the voices of self loathing
are the loudest sound. My reaction to it all is to just
listen. Kind of like a Freudian. I'm sort of behind
myself with a note book listening to the yadda yadda
sound of it all. It's not really getting me down. But
it is distracting the hell outta me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was Jane's birthday today. And Amber's. And I figured
out how to link to the <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/album/archives/001534.html#001534">exact
post</a> on which she talks about her birthday. Well.
there was <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/archives/001532.html#001532">more</a>
than one. And Amber is having a take-two birthday tomorrow.
Very wise. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
state of union is on. The television and radio are off.
I dunno. It might be over by now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1278)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1278"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e979" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e979"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e979"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e779"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I want <a href="http://www.silhouettes.com/Parent.asp?product=508157x%5F2&dept%5Fid=1400&An=102&A=9207&Au=RollupKey">this.</a>
I want it a lot. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
once in awhile I post about wanting something and some
nice person will buy it for me. I'm not even trying
for that so nobody do it please. I'm just sayin. I really
want it. And I want <a href="http://www.silhouettes.com/Parent.asp?product=508035x&dept%5Fid=2200">these</a>,
and <a href="http://www.silhouettes.com/Parent.asp?product=506293x%5F4&dept%5Fid=1300&An=102&A=8320&Au=RollupKey">these</a>.
You gotta know I got the catalog in the mail and I'm
just goin through it. Wanting things.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
years there were no cool clothes in my size. And now
there are LOTS. And I want them. The truth about my
life is that I wear the same t-shirt and draw string
pants for three or four days in a row. I don't go out
that much. No one in the neighborhood seems to notice
if I'm in the same clothes when I run errands. I don't
NEED any more clothes. But. I just. WANT them. It's
a funny thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1279)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1279"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e980" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e980"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e980"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e780"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There is a comment on a post
at <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB</a> that
has me worked up into rant mode. The post is about an
employer who fires smokers. I saw a similar thing
on the news the other day. A man with a small business
told his employees to quit smoking or be fired. How
does he know if you smoke at home? His employees are
tested. One woman who chose to quit her job rather than
quit smoking was interviewed. She said she is trying
to quit. But she doesn't think it should be a condition
of employment. The employer sites the rising cost of
health care and the cost to the business community.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
SF we now have a <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/01/26/MNG12B0HH71.DTL">smoking
ban in parks</a>. I am beyond annoyed by it. Right next
to North Beach there's a park in China Town where people
meet to play Mah Jong and smoke. Or they used to. Now
they can't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
hard to argue for the right to smoke. I don't smoke
now but I never say that I quit. If I want to smoke
I will. It's been a long time and it hurts my stomach
so it's unlikely that I will smoke any time soon but
I just feel bitchy about it. I've always hated the way
non smokers are so self righteous about it all. I've
been eating with people in a diner beside a gas station.
The smell of gas fumes wafted through now and again.
But the people with the cigarettes were the bad guys.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is a topic I don't bring up because I know people have
allergies and asthma and smoke bothers them. I know
smoking isn't healthy and there really isn't a good
reason to do it. But there are still moments when I
just want the pleasure of sitting back and pulling in
the blue smoke. If you get it, you get it. If you don't,
you don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always made every effort to not bother anyone with my
smoke. I didn't throw my butts on the ground. I don't
think it's cool to use the beach or the park as an ashtray.
But there are already laws about that. Anyway. It's
one of those things. I have my feelings about it all.
Rational? Maybe not. But back to <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001489.php">the
post and the comment.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
employer that Paul posted about has also said he would
love to make sure his employees did their exercise and
ate right as a condition of employment. And what's the
test for that? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
The comment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="355">
<tr>
<td width="349">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="comment" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I was fired for being fat. It's very
common in the military. <b>I was able to pass the physical fitness tests
with no problem, </b>but that didn't matter. My commander said he had no
doubt that I was physically fit. He said my appearance was a problem.
The regulation stated that <b>having fat people in uniform would undermine
the public's confidence in their military.</b> I was 11 pounds overweight
when my 15-year career was ended.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">While smoking is discouraged in the military, it is still allowed. Hey, it helps people control their weight.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">P.S. I'm now colecting disability from the VA for my<b> thyroid disease
</b>
that went undiagnosed for several years by military doctors. </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
bolding is mine. FIFTEEN YEARS!!! ELEVEN POUNDS!!! It
just pisses me off. It just pisses me off SO much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
friend of mine was just denied health insurance. She
is on the thin side of average. Swims, does yoga, has
had no major health problems but did have some wrist
trouble. Carpal tunnel kind of thing. She was DENIED.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
need major reform in health care. We need a radical
shift in how we think about health. NOBODY is healthy.
Healthy is not a place you arrive at. Healthy changes
all the time. For many reasons. Some of which we have
no control over and some of which we do. I think taking
responsibility for oneself is pretty important. And
some people are gonna want to smoke and eat what they
want and not move much. And some of them are gonna live
long happy lives. And all of them should be able to
have employment. If they can do the job. The health
insurance industry should not be able to create a climate
of fear and discrimination. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know common sense does not always prevail. Smokers should
not be able to smoke anywhere they want to smoke. If
you've lost a family member to a smoking related illness,
or have an allergy I imagine you might like a smoking
ban and not think it's a bad idea that employers (especially
small ones) have the right to try and control their
health care costs by dictating "health" practices
to their employees. And how can I argue? I can't. I
won't. But I will ask what begins with these first sets
of rules and these ways that we think about things.
And I will be pissy about the empty tables in the park
today. And the meaning made of eleven pounds. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1280)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1280"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e981" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e981"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e981"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:38
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e781"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Long, long ago, when I used
to write more often in paper journals, I noticed that
my writing was often effected by who I was reading.
Maybe it's the same reflex that makes me want to have
the accent of people with particularly defined accents.
Or use slang. Language has rhythm and rhythm calls to
the body. It always seems to me that if you can meet
people rhythmically you really meet them. At the same
time I like rhythms that I can't quite capture. So the
idea of having a voice as a writer has always seemed
problematic for me. I know my voice can be so easily
nudged. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was getting my BA my writing voice shifted around.
In creative writing classes I could riff away with no
concern for form or function. In expository writing
it was all form and function. In journalism it was about
not being visible in the writing (just the facts)
but in literary journalism it was about being there
in the background. For classes that were not about writing
I had to write in a way that showed what I was learning,
a kind of repetition of facts but with some presence.
In my MFA program I really hoped to develop some thing
that I could call my own but the program had its
own ideas. There was only one teacher who got me in
any meaningful way. Which isn't to say that the program
wasn't good for my writing in some ways. But after the
program I felt like I needed to recover from it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard a guy on book TV this weekend. He said he didn't
keep a blog because he wasn't a good first draft writer.
He did a lot of work to things that he wrote. I like
rewriting. I like it a lot. That whole first thought
best thought thing is pretty rare. It happens. But it's
rare. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
blog is a place where I just go for it. The task is
just to write. Over the years that I've been doing it
I move around from personal what I made for dinner journal
writing to pontification to experiments with riffing
to ... oh I dunno. Just whatever I want. It get's
hard when what I have for dinner isn't that interesting,
I'm not feeling the urge to go off about anything, or
when I feel a particular need to really write. I know
that might sound like I don't take the blog writing
seriously. I do take it seriously. Sometimes too seriously.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Even
with talking, there are times when I'm in the middle
of saying something and I know I'm lost. Something in
me has changed and I haven't kept up with the change.
So in mid sentence I feel wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Change
is good. And sometimes it requires silence. Not that
I'm that good at being silent. Not for long. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1281)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1281"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e982" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e982"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e982"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e782"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's Fat Tuesday. I love Fat
Tuesday. Mostly coz I'm a New Orleans wanna be. New
Orleans is old and French and filled with music.
The food is a mix of old world traditions and new world
ingredients. I've always wanted to go there. I'm probably
not up for the big street party any more. But I wouldn't
mind watching from a balcony. I love the idea of a day
<a href="http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/MardiGras/">to
party up</a> before you move into a time of spiritual
quiet. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think we need both. We need to go a little crazy. And
we need to know how to be quiet and reserved. For about
a week I've been feeling the need to go out and have
some BIG fun and the need to be very quiet and alone.
Funny. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
might listen to some <a href="http://www.nevilles.com/">Neville
Brothers</a>, Professor Longhair and <a href="http://www.drjohn.org/">Dr.
John</a>. I might make something fancy for dinner. Something
with shrimp. And I will do some yoga. Some contemplation.
I don't need to whoop it up too much coz I'm not planning
on giving anything up in any big way.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1282)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1282"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e983" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e983"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e983"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:19
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e783"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Has the world entered some
kind of pesky zone? I mean maybe it's always in one
but it just seems hopped up today. Or maybe it's me.
Well of course it's me. But. Jeez.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I am still blog slacking. My morning ritual in which
I read blogs and wrote my post has just completely crashed.
I write randomly. I read randomly. I miss things. I
can't catch up. I feel displaced. Out of the loop. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ashladle.org/">Alembic</a>
is (temporarily?) MIA, although Maria is (happily) still
<a href="http://marinoutings.typepad.com/">available</a>.
I'm now wondering about all the spam I get. I spend
a certain amount of my day clicking on delete. It is
a drag. I've even gotten a bit of comment spam. But
not much. Not as much as I see on MT blogs. I read Maria's
post on it and the possible impact on the "conversation"
that happens in blogging. And then I sat here with knitted
eyebrows. I don't really understand spam. I don't really
understand how people make money with it. I'm not sure
I want to understand. I'm pretty sure I don't. I'd like
to join a fight against it. If I understood it better
than I do now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">K
has a post about "<a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/ahappening/2005/02/right_speech.html">right
speech</a>" that suspect might be suggestive. Or
not. It does seem like there's something going on. In
a broad sense. But gee. Without idle, useless and foolish
babble I'd have nothing to say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been on three sites in which I am told I no longer have
permission to read. I'm not taking it personally but
... gee. What in the world?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was a dust up on <a href="http://koshtra.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_koshtra_archive.html">Mole.</a>
Since I am not a Buddhist I hesitate to enter into the
fray and, also, too, it's kinda over. I wished I'd been
there to rise in defense of our dear hero. I woulda
loved to smack down on someone coming into the comments
there with such a sanctimonious head up his ass thing
to say. But I wasn't there. Then. And now it feels late.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dale
also wrote this.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="308">
<tr>
<td width="302">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:garamond; font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Will I ever forgive you? </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><br></span></font><span style="font-family:garamond; font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">No.
Certainly not. I would not break any thread that ties us together. This
long rough filament, that I can kiss, and taste the blood on, any time?
No.</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><br></span></font><span style="font-family:garamond; font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">And
my dearest wish is that I will turn a street corner, two thousand years
from now -- in a far country, wearing different bodies -- and that you,
recognizing me, will step briskly up, and give me a stinging slap
across the face.</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can think of someone I feel that way about except (at
the risk of jamming someone's dearest wish) if I met
them on the street, two thousand years from now, in
different bodies, I know I would recognize them and
I would press my cheek into their's. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/">Kathryn</a>
linked a thing about <a href="http://www.tomatonation.com/over25.shtml">being
grown up</a> that makes me look pretty bad. And I'm
2 X 25 +1. Not that I would, or could defend my maturity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just feeling like things are goin on. Not good things.
Or maybe I'm just reading through a glass darkly. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1283)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1283"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e984" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e984"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e984"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e784"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Deb told me to check out <a href="http://www.bbcamerica.com/genre/home_living/ramsays_kitchen_nightmares/ramsays_kitchen_nightmares.jsp">this
show.</a> It's just great.
Of all the restaurant reality
shows this is the real real.
<a href="http://www.bbcamerica.com/genre/home_living/ramsays_kitchen_nightmares/ramsays_kitchen_nightmares_gordon_bio.jsp">The
guy</a> is SO mean. He was
a soccer star who became a chef. He swears
so much that sometimes it's
just one beep after another.
Between the beeps and the
accent it is sometimes hard
to get what's happening.
(Do they bleep words in
England?) But it is absolutely
what it's like. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
shows always make me nostalgic. Which might make you
wonder about my sanity. It makes me wonder. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1284)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1284"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e985" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e985"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e985"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:07
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e785"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Again with the jeez. I dunno.
I think I'm rediscovering blogging in some funny way.
It's always changing anyway. I'm not sure if things
are really changing. But. I'm just having all these
visceral responses. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is another one of those really late to respond responses
t<a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2005/01/my-breasts-are-bigger-than-his.html">o
a post.</a> (And I thought she was on a break. ) I didn't
write a thing about the doof at Harvard who said grrrls
can't do math. I wasn't outraged by it. I just had an
eye roll moment and went on about my business. I do
get why women were upset. It was doofy thing to say.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
said that. Boys and girls are different. Shocking. I
know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cyndi
wanted to call out the idea of why girls don't seem
to do as well in math and do some critical thinking
about it. Good idea? Well, apparently not. Coz
she got jumped on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Before
I go on, I want to say that I think the ideas of <a href="http://today.uci.edu/news/release_detail.asp?key=1261">differences
in brain development</a> in men and women are interesting.
But brains develop in cultures. And families. So it's
like any other muscle. Development happens when things
are stimulated. Are (for example) women in Japan bad
at math? China? India? I think there are studies about
how kids from other cultures out-do all kids from the
USA in math and science. So what's that about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also.
I (as usual) think two things that may seem to be in
opposition. I don't really believe in boys and
girls. I think we are all a blend of both. We all have
estrogen and testosterone. Ask any third sex person
about this debate and things will get really wound up.
And they should. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">AND.
I myself often think in terms of what is archetypally
girl and archetypally boy. Generalities are useful sometimes.
Comforting in their simplicity. And often true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
post, this post, this all over the place post, is really
about what happened after Cyndi posted about her own
lack of math skill and her thoughts on what might be
true in terms of brain structure and development. Someone
said:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="309">
<tr>
<td width="303">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2005/01/on-my-way-outta-here.html">You are a disgrace to your sex". "and I thought you were a
progressive", even, "Take my blog off off your blogroll, you are a
goddamn republican.</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What?
The? Fuck? I mean. WHAT is that about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then Cyndi posted <a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2005/01/my-name-is-cyndy-i-break-rules.html">this</a>.
So beautiful. Let's all break the rules. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Can
we just allow for possibility? I just, I read these
things and my head spins. I have so many reactions all
at once. Of all the people on the web, I can imagine
having a really great open conversation with Cyndi.
So who ever wrote the even dooffier thing to her than
what the Harvard guy said can't possibly have been
paying attention. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jeez.
I mean. Just jeez. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
I suck at math. And. All my math teachers were women.
Add all that up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1285)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1285"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e986" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e986"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e986"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:06
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e786"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It was cool seeing <a href="http://www.dooce.com/">Dooce</a>
on <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/Business/story?id=485895&page=1">the
news.</a> I remember when she got fired. I don't read
her regularly. No reason. It's a big neighborhood. I
don't get around it as well I should. But I remember
back then. Seems so long ago. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Does
it seem like every day they're telling us about how
we can get fired for almost anything? Are we supposed
to get pissed off by it all or are we supposed to get
more scared? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Meanwhile.
I feel just a bit jealous of the woman who got a six
figure book deal from her blog. Just a little bit. I'd
be cool with five. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1286)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1286"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e987" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e987"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e987"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e787"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
is having a fund drive. They have some pretty great
premiums. One of which is the <a href="http://www.wmdthefilm.com/mambo/index.php">new
film</a> by <a href="http://www.newsdissector.org/blog/">Danny
Schechter</a>. It's about how the media used production
to sell the war. Ironically, in the pitch for funds
with the film as bait the film is extolled for its production
quality. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. We pick the propaganda we want. And if you listen
to a little bit of everything you still only have part
of the truth. The left does need to get better at framing
the debate. No doubt. <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/latestnews/">Michael
Moore</a> has shown us that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
weekend I watched the old <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=489248">Fahrenheit
45</a> for the first time. I read the book a zillion
years ago but I'd never seen the movie. It is pretty
terrifying. But I just kept thinking you don't really
need to burn books, or ban them. You just need to make
reading seem like something people do because they don't
have a life. I see it all the time. Jokes and snide
comments about thinking and reading. I saw <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/books-films/index.php">Michael's
film</a> not long ago as well. Sometimes he wears on
me but I thought it was full of information. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
Here is a message for Sarah. Hope she's reading. I tried
to respond to your e-mail three times and it bounced
back to me. But the answer is YES!!! PLEASE!!! </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1287)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1287"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e988" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e988"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e988"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e788"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.spiritualintrigue.com/">Caroline</a>
had <a href="http://www.normansolomon.com/">Norman Solmon</a>
on the radio show yesterday. He was comparing the values
of the countries of European Union and the values in
this country. Caroline framed it as the difference between
living in a culture or living in an economy. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep wondering how a country that is supposed to have
a new moral majority also has a hit show like Desperate
Housewives. I haven't watched the show. I guess I should
watch it before I pass judgment on it. I have seen the
commercials and it just looks smarmy. I know it might
seem like ad odd intersection from which to wonder.
There are so many others. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
always thinking and talking about culture and how culture
impacts us. But sometimes I think culture in this country
is a misnomer. There are so many cultures packed into
other cultures here. For the last few days there have
been lots of fireworks in the neighborhood to celebrate
the year of the Rooster. A few blocks away there are
people from all over the world wandering through shops
full of t-shirts and post cards. Up the hill there are
coffee shops full of people in which the owners speak
Italian. I can get on a bus and go to the Mission, the
Castro, Japantown. I realize that this is a city and,
perhaps, a particularly diverse city. But I keep
thinking about the common experiences and the places
in which we hold our own reality.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
you're standing in line at the grocery store you look
at the covers of magazines. You see faces. Bodies. Something
about who gets the cover and who doesn't tells you something.
If you watch television only in your own language, shop
where your language is spoken, eat only the foods you
were raised on, you hold a cultural experience. But
you still walk out the door and see the sign on the
side of the bus. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know people who don't own a television, who never experience
main stream culture. Even the fact that most of what
they get comes through their ears (radio) or from words
(reading) creates their sense of the world. But they
too walk out the door. Generally. So when I talk about
the impact of culture, what do I really mean? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was listening to them I was thinking about how hard
it is to be in a country where the political leadership
is pushing an agenda that you feel so horrified by.
And then there's the layer of representation. All those
images in public space. And the layer of family. And
friends. The books on the shelf. The music coming from
the speakers. And my fingers on the keyboard. More quizzical
than assured. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then. There's the market. And those pieces of writing
I still need to send out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1288)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1288"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e989" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e989"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e989"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e789"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I really need to check and
see if something changed in my cable subscription and
I didn't notice. I don't think I'm paying more but I'm
just enough of an air head to not notice. I have more
movie channels. I didn't order them. There's something
called - On Demand, which may be why. Or it may be some
kind of free preview. I don't love movie channels. It's
pretty rare that you want to watch a movie at just the
moment when the movie begins. You can't pause. But the
worst thing is that I sometimes watch movies that I
wouldn't have otherwise. Every once in awhile that's
good. I watched <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60026115&trkid=73">The
Guru</a> a few months ago and I kinda loved it. It made
me smile. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I watched part of <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60031274&trkid=73">The
Last Samurai.</a> I neither loved nor hated it but the
part I saw included the big battle scene. It made me
think about The Bhagavad Gita. I am not a pacifist in
the strictest sense of the word and the gita is part
of why. An absolute pacifist would rather die than
be killed. I might think that I would rather die than
kill but I know that my body would react. And, more
than that, if someone is going to harm someone I love
then my pacifism goes right out the window. And still
more is the idea that there may be a time to fight and
an honor in the battle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
this battle scene there is an idea of an old way of
battle (swords, arrows, wisdom and skill) pitched against
a new way of doing battle (guns). The guns are mighty.
But are they honorable? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is that moment in the gita when Arjuna knows he will
lose family and friends in the battle and he doesn't
want to fight. And then Krishna breaks it down. In the
movie there is a moment when the head samurai knows
he is about to die and he is leading his men into certain
death. It's a moment of destiny. Grand. Profound. (And
the presence of Tom Cruise is only somewhat annoying.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
never sure how I feel about this idea of destiny. Because
I would like the fighting to end. All of the fighting.
I would like to chose death over killing. And yet ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Movie channels. I dunno. Whole big chunks of my day
lost to strange reverie. Although, just now there is
a fellow from the Ayn Rand institute extolling laissez
fair economics on Book TV. Is that better? Not so much
really. And again I am listening and trying to figure
out what is wheat and what is chaff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
might be fair to say that I lean toward ideas of rightness
that are context dependent. it sounds sort of relativist.
It just doesn't feel that way. In context, it all feels
very absolute.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like this is where the post should end but are
more threads winding through my thinking. I'm still
thinking about <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e985">what
happened to Cyndi</a>. (Mess with someone I care about
and my pacifism goes RIGHT out the window, I'm tellin
ya.) (Grrr.) Because these battle scenes are about men
and to some extent what it means to be a man. Except,
if we think about the scene from <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60029358&trkid=174833">Aliens</a>
in which Sigorney is fighting the mama alien. The mama
alien is fighting to protect her eggs and Sigorney is
fighting to protect the little girl. I might like
to imagine that two women in that situation would negotiate
and found a day care center for all the kids but it
just doesn't always work out that way. And two women
fighting over the safety and well being of kids? Now
we're talking filed of the lord. Unless, maybe, one
of them is Ayn Rand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there is another thread. Something that <a href="http://seeking-clarity.blog-city.com/">Diana</a>
wrote the other day. She wrote about <a href="http://seeking-clarity.blog-city.com/read/1063575.htm">wanting
to be adored</a> and women who never out grow the need
for their father's approval. That would be me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
so long ago someone said that my fatherlessness showed.
I imagine it does. For Diana the need for dad manifests
as always having a man in her life. For me the opposite
is true. It could be my over developed stubbornness
in which the need is overwhelmed the need to not need.
But I had more than one reaction to the post. I'm not
comfortable with the idea that het women with this particular
psychological background often want the guy who doesn't
want them. Although, in my life that would seem to be
a truth. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Diana
quoted <a href="http://koshtra.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_koshtra_archive.html#108136306580931012">Dale</a>
who confesses that he hopes knowing him is transformative.
Well. It is. Of course it is. And it should be. There
is only one Dale. And only one Diana. And I am saved
by knowing them. AND I think it's OK to want attention.
And every once in awhile I think it's OK to want ALL
of the attention. I think there's a difference between
self and ego. Self is sentient. Ego is plastic. Our
self needs to feel seen. Really seen. It's healthy.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wait.
What was I talking about? Movie channels. Ayn Rand.
Battle scenes. Pacifism. What is it to be a man? What
is it to be a woman? Oh yeah. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I'm thinking about all of this. It all comes back
to some sense of the transformative process as being
something that never arrives. Never concludes. Because
the minute it does it stops. And that's death. So we
move from one scene to the next and pick up the script.
We may argue with the writers and director and producers.
We may make a few changes. But we have a part to play.
A part that is ours alone. Maybe destiny is not established.
Maybe it's realized. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I'm just thinking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1289)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1289"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e990" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e990"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e990"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e790"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
In second grade we covered
shoe boxes with crepe paper and construction paper and
ribbons and stickers. We cut a slit into the top and
on Valentines Day the boxes lined the room. We tried
not to watch when kids went from box to box with wee
envelopes. At the end of the day we opened our boxes
and looked to see who liked us. In second grade I was
fat and socially awkward. I remember the hope of the
box and the two or three cards on which my name was
spelled wrong. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
year a friend had just broken up with a long time partner.
We went out to the best restaurant and were so pleased
with ourselves for not allowing the day to make us sad.
Except. We were a little sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a manufactured, market driven holiday and I'd like to
ignore it. But it always nips at the ragged corners
of my heart. This year isn't any different. I'm not
as gloomy as I sometimes get. I'm just a little tight
in the jaw. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
right now I feel like if you have someone don't ignore
it. Let the market have its way with you. Buy flowers
and candy and cards. Or make something. Just do something.
Something saccharin and over the top. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="107">
<tr>
<td width="101">
<p><a href="http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/"><img src="Heart.gif" width="98" height="89" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1290)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1290"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e991" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e991"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e991"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e791"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My rule is that I can only
play with <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">my dolls</a>
on the weekend. It's just too easy to get sucked in
for hours. I mean hours. I break the rule now and again
but having it keeps me from playing every day for hours.
Hours, I'm tellin ya. It's so compelling. It's like
a book that I'm both reading and writing. And I wanna
know what happens. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Most
of my playing right now is about killing off the elders.
Sounds morbid but it's a circle of life thing. They
become ghosts so they're still around. This is part
of the difference between the first game and the second
game. The Sims age and die. When I first began to play
I just wanted to see what Sims death looked like. And
then I had this whole old folks thing going. My plan
was to get all my Sims elders into the same house and
let them age together. But then I realized how useful
elders are. If you and your kids live with elders they
help with the kids. Everybody is happy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">An
individual Sim getting older has kids who are off on
their own getting older too. And keeping the elder happy
often means getting them grand kids. So you leave the
house to go play with the kids and make babies. And
elders like weddings. I like my elders to be as happy
as they can be when the reaper comes coz if they're
happy he comes with hula girls and a Mai Tai. Nice way
to go, doncha think? I tried to get some pictures
of this but they're too small. I haven't mastered the
whole process. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of my Sims was getting married and I knew his parents
were gonna (cough) move on within the next two days.
So I went to other house and had them come to the wedding.
I actually got misty eyed watching this because I knew
this was the last time he'd see them. I swear. I'm tearing
up just thinking about it. There's one of my Sims who
I save from death once. And now I'm just wanting her
to get on outta here. She's got like two, or three days.
But that can mean hours of playing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really, really, really don't think I play well. I take
all so seriously. One of reasons it's easy for me to
not play is because I am a little sad about all these
elders moving on. My favorite time in Sims life is when
they are adults and they're moving up in their careers
and having kids. It all sounds so provincial. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jeez.
Yesterday I calling for participation in the market
and today I'm writing little happy ever after stories.
What is happening to me? Of course the other big thing
going on in my game is alien abductions in which men
come back pregnant with little green babies. So I still
have some (cough) alternative life in me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1291)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1291"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e992" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e992"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e992"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:58
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e792"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Somewhere I heard, or read
Sting say that he regretted
the song <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sting-&-police/132360.html">Every
Breath You Take</a>. He
felt it was obsessive. Well. Yeah. I don't know
what brought it to mind except maybe all that thinking
about romantic love yesterday and thinking about my
history of unrequited love. I remember when I first
heard the song. I'd been doing <a href="http://www.rebirthingbreathwork.com/modules.php?name=DocTree&dtId=4&dtPath=3,4&dtIsBlk=y">breath
work</a> so the lyrics made a specific kind of sense
to me. Looking at the lyrics now they do seem a bit
over the top. To say the least. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Unrequited
love is just the worst. It makes you feel like you must
be quite mad. How is it possible that you have this
feeling? And it's so strong and clear. And. You feel
it. As it thuds to the ground. Makes my teeth hurt just
to think about it. And I've had more than my fair share
I would say. So either I am quite mad, or just really
dumb when it comes to attraction, or I'm making it all
up or ... well. The list just goes on and on.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Everything
about the lyrics seems to have some shadow and some
light. Like - "can't you see, you belong to me."
Well. In terms of ownership, no one belongs to anyone.
But belonging can also be a feeling of being at home.
Being met. Feeling like something fits. How is it possible
to feel that way about someone and have it not be true?
Unless you are quite mad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mama
Cass sang <a href="http://www.mathematik.uni-ulm.de/paul/lyrics/mamasandpapas/gladto~1.html">a
song</a> about how unrequited love is a bore but for
someone you adore it's a pleasure to be sad. I know
that pleasure. But. I've had enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sting
said he wrote <a href="http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/sting/132083.html">If
You Love Somebody Set Them Free</a> as an antidote for
Every Breath You Take. Which makes sense. But I like
both songs. Sometimes love is desperate and overwhelming.
It's not a sustainable way to be but sometimes it is
that way. I don't think you can set someone free unless
you think love is a cage. I've felt desperate. I've
wanted to beg. I have begged. But I've never felt like
I wanted to lock anyone up. Belonging isn't about ownership.
It's about realization. And all of my realizations have
ended up being confusions. Or so I was told. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Quite.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mad.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="229">
<tr>
<td width="223">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/pirwebelong.htm"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Helvetica" color="#000000">And the only angel who sees us now<br>
Watches through each other's eyes<br>
And I can hear him<br>
In every footstep's passing sigh<br>
He goes crazy these nights<br>
Watching heartbeats go by...</font></span></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://www.rickieleejones.com/lyrics/pirwebelong.htm">
</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1292)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1292"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e993" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e993"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e993"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:05
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e793"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
About a month ago I took the
Pledge and the dust rag into the bedroom and sat them
on the dresser. Then I got distracted. I have a vanity,
a dresser and a nightstand all of which needed dusting.
And the month went by. Yesterday Sarah was coming over
so I was motivated to get the dusting done, clean the
bathroom, run the vacuum, just generally make it nice.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sarah
and I are forming a partnership of sorts. We both
need to send out writing. When I had the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2005.htm#e972">dinner
with Abeer</a> I got all wound up and even did some
new writing. But I have flagged. There is a journal
I know I can submit to and I even thought I'd send a piece
in before Sarah got to the apartment but I didn't. I
dusted instead. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't even begin to describe how overwhelmingly resistant
I am. I just DON"T WANT TO!!!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Groan.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Part
of the process is to identify journals and magazines
and we talked about that last night. I've always thought
that it would be good to respond to the Readers Write
prompt in <a href="http://www.thesunmagazine.org/">The
Sun</a>. If I did just that much I'd be writing and
sending out every month. The current prompt is: Games.
It needs to be in by March 1. Yikes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
noticed that I came up with the idea to have a goal
in January but didn't set the goal till February. Tricky,huh?
And now February is half over and I still haven't sent
anything out. But now I'll have Sarah to answer to if
I don't get it done. I'm not sure either Sarah or I
will be particularly strict with one another but I'm
not sure we need to be. I just need to be as motivated
to send the writing as I was to dust and, clearly, I
even need the presence of someone else to motivate me
these days. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just DON"T WANT TO!!!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1293)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1293"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e994" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e994"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e994"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e794"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My yoga practice had dwindled.
Last week I managed a few feeble poses. This week I
did more every day. On the first day I had neither the
concentration nor the will to hold the pose for very
long. By yesterday I noticed that I was naturally holding
the pose. My joints hurt less and I just felt the pose.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the thing I love so much about yoga. The way it expands
in your life. This morning I was standing in the living
room listening to the radio while I waited for the tea
water to boil and I shifted my stance. Straighter back.
Unlocked knees. Little adjustments that came naturally
after only four days of intentional practice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are these poses that I do on my back using <a href="http://www.yogasite.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=prop-03">a
strap</a> for resistance. When I first started again
I felt all these little pops in my knee. It didn't hurt
but it was kinda spooky. Every day they seem to happen
less. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
the other day I was talking about my psychology preferences.
I lean toward the Jungian. Being the good hippie
chick that I am. Yesterday I got a mailing for <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/">these
public programs</a> featuring some of my favorites.
The <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/woodman.html">title</a>
on the <a href="http://mwoodman.org/">Marion Woodman</a>
lecture made me smile. The subtitle in particular. Separating
soul from ego. Yeah. There it is. And <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/masters/hillman.html">James
Hillman.</a> Two days with James Hillman. All I need
is about five hundred dollars. Why does this stuff always
cost so much? Makes me wanna cry. The programs are being
put on by a college with a <a href="http://www.pacifica.edu/dp_phd_psychology.html">PhD
program</a> that does interest me. But. Again. Money.
It bewilders me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard <a href="http://www.davidsuzuki.org/">David Suzuki</a>
on the radio today. He described a thought experiment
in which you follow a chemical (can't remember the name
of it) as it leaves your body in your exhale. He talked
about how what I exhale is inhaled by the people who
are in the room with me. And some of what I exhale leaves
the room and travels out into the world. Some of it
may travel far away. Everyone on my blog roll may be
inhaling some of what I exhaled. And. Some of it comes
back to me. I guess it would be impossible to measure
and track a specific bit of my exhale but it's certainly
filled with probable truth and is useful because it
tells us how we are all connected. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Awareness
is useful. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
always seemed to me that the impulse to understand the
nature of self is something that could change the world.
I'm really critical of the self improvement ideals seen
on television. It just seems like obedience training
to me. It seems oriented toward making self contained,
self motivated, self managing bots for the corporate system.
we seek ways to feel good and not be a bother. Fuck
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
description of the program rings more true to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="295">
<tr>
<td width="289">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Our work aims to recover what has been forgotten
and marginalized by the heroic, individualistic ego, and to
develop a capacity to host image and psyche. These endeavors
allow us to apprehend the immanency of psyche in nature and
to attend to the interdependent nature of being.</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways it reads like a bunch of abstract language.
But think about that notion of hosting image. We host
image all day every day. In some ways we need to learn
how to not host image. But if we go back to Susuki's
thought experiment we see how useful hosting and image
can be. And understanding the "interdependent nature
of being" could move us toward action that ...
changes the world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
then does it seem like solipsism? Why is it that while
I know I would enjoy Hillman and Woodman I also know
I would be sitting next to someone with one too many
scarves on who is really looking for justification in
an endless pursuit to feel better about themselves?
Who else has five hundred dollars to spend the
weekend in this kind of conference? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
big accomplishment of my day is remembering to stand
up straight. And it matters. I'm excited about it. I
just long for a feeling of personal meaning that is
also active in the world. I have felt it. I felt it
doing something as simple as making coffee for someone.
I'd like to feel it again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1294)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1294"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e995" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e995"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e995"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e795"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>Earlier I looked out of
the bathroom window and
there were these big fluffy
popcorn clouds and a clear
bright sky. It's been gray
and overcast for days and
is again. But just that
moment, just that patch
of sky, made me smile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">Nightline</a>
had two shows about a war
game in which terrorists
release small pox. The
shows were unnerving but
not because of this imagined
future scenario. It is a
frightening scenario but
what was more of a horror
was watching the way pretend
world leaders pretended
to deal with the crisis.
The horror of the way economics
moves politics and trumps
humanity. We don't need
an imaginary future scenario
about terrorism and virus
as a weapon. We can look
to the real time news and
see the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/19/international/africa/19africa.html?hp&ex=1108789200&en=82e34bfd6437952c&ei=5094&partner=homepage">soaring
numbers of death by virus</a>
and think about how
politics (or lack of political
will) keeps that going.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
on the <a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/radioshow.htm">Caroline
show</a> she was talking
about how to keep your head
together in these times
of fear and loathing. She
riffs so hard and fast I
can never remember what
she says but I hang on to
these little bits. She was
talking about using the
word wonder. In stead of
- how is this going to work
out? I WONDER how this is going to work out. The word
wonder allows for possibility. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was really working with this last night. My student
loans are at the end of the third deferment. I WONDER
how I'm going to pay them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Groan.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I had this moment of looking out of the window and seeing
the clouds and feeling this deep breath moment of beauty
and now ... <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=BothSidesNow">they
only block the sun</a>, they <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/02/18/state/n171542S95.DTL">rain
and rain and rain</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I was reading about <a href="http://www.willa.com/fallenangel/weblog/index.shtml">Willa
making her own deck</a> and I pulled out my deck to
see the seven of cups so I could remember it because
she was talking about making her <a href="http://www.willa.com/tarot/seven_of_cups_lg.jpg">seven</a>
and right on the bottom of my deck was ... guess. Yes.
The SEVEN OF CUPS. My deck is the <a href="http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/aquarian/">Aquarian</a>,
which I don't even love any more except it's so soft
from use and reminds me of every reading I've ever done.
It was fun that the card was right there when I went
to look because it made me feel in synch with Willa
but also it's a card about ...POSSIBILITY. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
jumped to <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/">Trinity
Doughnuts</a> to see what Amber <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/archives/000903.html#000903">had
to say</a> and laughed out loud. I don't like the idea
of over eating. I think you eat as much as you need
<b>IF </b>you pay attention. When does <i><b>over</b></i>
occur? Well. When I go for Dim Sum I hella OVER eat.
When I leave the restaurant I am so full I can't breath.
And I will always eat Dim Sum that way. But I don't
eat it often. And so yeah. The card is about having
lots of choices. So many that you can become overwhelmed
and unable to make a move. And after you eat too much
Dim Sum it's hard to move. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then here I am trying to keep a notion of possibility
in the face of dark likely hood and I see the seven
and I'm thinking that it might be good to ground that
wonder. You know. Having looked at it from both sides
now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Grounded
wonder. Yeah. That's it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1295)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1295"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e996" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e996"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e996"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:39
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e796"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>Well. I've been in a Sims
coma. Yes. And right now I'm about rip the game out
of my computer. Really. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was working on <strike>killing off</strike> gently guiding
(cough) one of my characters to her final journey. This
is a character, Brandi, who has had quite a life.
I've written abut her before. She was created by the
game. When the game begins she is a single, unemployed,
mother with morning sickness. Her husband is gone. At
first she had a relationship with a woman in town. That
was until I figured out the aspiration thing and realized
that the woman was on the romance track and wanted to
have affairs. So off she went and I created a man. A
guy, also on the family track, VERY nice and ready to
marry. He and Brandi met and married and began
having kids. It was going well until one day when Brandi
was pregnant (again) and the grim reaper stopped by.
I have no idea why. I didn't want her to die then though
so I moved her in with a friend (another woman on the
romance track) and they lived together for awhile. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a whole bunch of game stuff that goes into this but,
unless you play, it might not be that interesting. This
whole story might not be that interesting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
then I had her move back in with her husband and kids.
So, she's had two husbands, two lovers, a pack of kids
and she's reached the top of her culinary career. She's
helped raise her grandchildren. It's time to go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="209">
<tr>
<td width="209">
<p><img src="Brandi's end.gif" width="209" height="157" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tried really hard to get in close for the pictures but
I still don't have the knack. It might be hard to see
the reaper and the hula girl's. The guy in the black
shirt is one of her sons who was visiting his sister.
I had moved Brandi in there to help with the daughter's
kid. The little girl is another granddaughter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="407">
<tr>
<td width="401">
<p><img src="Brandi's end 2.gif" width="400" height="300" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
got the mai tai and the suit case. And then she was
gone. (There must be a way to get these pictures better.)
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
where I get frustrated. I moved her in with her daughter
because her daughter is on the learning track and wants
to see a ghost. But so far there is no ghost. This game
is SO bugged. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I got caught up in another story. This was another
Brandi grandchild. I got caught up in redoing the house
and stayed up too late. This morning I played for awhile
(which was just so wrong) and there are more bug issues.
Between my obsessive playing and the bugs I'm at the
point where I just think it's too much trouble for too
much trouble. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><strike> </strike></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I like playing on the weekend because there's
lots of good radio and Book TV. I listen to <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=7">NPR,</a>
<a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/">Wait
Wait</a> and <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a> on Saturday and NPR and <a href="http://sundaysalon.org/">Larry</a>
on Sunday. <a href="http://www.booktv.org/">Book TV</a>
and CSPAN in general can be very conservative or very
liberal. I listen to both because I like to understand
things but this weekend there was mostly conservative
stuff. Maybe that's why I'm so cranky. But really. A
game is supposed to be fun. And it is fun. But it is
BUGGED! And now, so am I. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1296)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1296"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e997" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e997"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e997"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e797"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>It was a dark and stormy
night. It had been a dark and stormy morning and afternoon.
I wonder whether weather gets to me. I just had to write
that sentence. Whether weather. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I have a few friends who do feel like the weather gets
to them. Once I was out to lunch with two of my very
good friends. They were going on and on about the weather.
Both are more physically active that I am and both like
to be outside more than I do. But I did feel like something
was disproportionate in the amount of conversation about
weather. it felt like a topic that came up again and
again. And. Maybe it's just not a thing for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
does seem like there's a lot going on. Earthquakes,
floods, tornadoes. I used to have tornado dreams. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do know that I feel rain in my joints now. And that
makes me wonder. In any given day there are so many
moving parts. How do you parse it? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
now the sun is out and I'm going for a walk. That's
good. I guess. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1297)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1297"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e998" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e998"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e998"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:34
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e798"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>I'm in the worst mood.
Really. Just awful. There is more than one reason but
I think some of it is a hangover from job searching
yesterday. Right now I'm trying to turn it around. Writing
this is a part of that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Friends
tell me that my blog is something I should use to let
jobs know that I have understanding of the web and a
track record of writing. But I'm not sure about that.
I am too often very confessional on the blog. Is that
a liability? I tried to have another place where I wrote
the more personal life stuff but that just didn't feel
right. I am who I am. I'm dealing with what I'm dealing
with. Even the fact that I have the thought that a job
might not hire me if they read the blog reflects the
place where I don't feel like I will be hired because
of some truth of who I am. I do like who I am, for the
most part but I'm not sure that who I am is valued by
... uh ... the world? Oh that's an abstraction. Job
people just want to now that you can do the work. And
I do know how to work. In each ad there seems to be
one or to things that I don't know. Maybe that doesn't
matter but it feels like it does. All of my cover letter
seem apologetic. That can't be good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really feel like I'm wound too tight right now. I'm
not sure how I'm going to lighten up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went to bed with the two knitting books that I bought
last year. <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0761128182&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Stitch
and Bitch</a> is fun but the fun wears thin. It's like
- quit trying to make me laugh and tell me how to knit.
She mentions the other book I have: <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0312458533&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Knitting
in Plain English.</a> I didn't find either one of these
books helpful last year but after my lesson they are
making more sense to me. I read something in one of
them about new knitters dropping the yarn between stitches
and I think I have been doing that. So the first thing
I did today was to knit a couple of rows and make sure
I was holding the yarn. I want <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0762410604&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">this
book.</a> I want it so much I'm going to need to stay
away from book stores and Amazon for awhile. At least
until GET A JOB.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
had breakfast and listened to Democracy Now I'm about
to take a shower and do some yoga. And then I need to
do it again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Growl.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Worst
mood ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1298)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1298"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e999" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e999"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e999"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:09
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e799"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>I grew up a Methodist kid
in a Catholic neighborhood. As I walked down the hill
to go to school kids in uniforms passed me going up
the hill to go to the Catholic school. I was enamoured.
They had rosaries and prayers to Mary. And saints. A
rote Sunday morning doxology paled in comparison. When
the next door neighbor left to join the convent I wanted
to go with her.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then one day one of the kids told me I was going to
hell because I wasn't Catholic and I went home sobbing.
Even now I love the art and mysticism of Catholicism
but I hate the dogma and exclusion. I was thinking about
it yesterday when the news of the pope began to dominate
the news. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/">Caroline</a>
has a riff that she uses
fairly often. She says,
"Create ritual or live
melodrama." I'm not
sure what she means but
I always take from it the
idea that we do have a need
for the beads and the candles and the repetition of
words. It might manifest in obscure ways but ritual
gives us a sense of something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd been
telling <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
about my long ago practice,
which included maintaining
an alter. There was a bunch
of stuff on it. A little gong,
incense, a cup of water,
fruit, some evergreen, candles
all of which <a href="http://www.cebunet.com/nst/carego.html">had
a meaning.</a> I've always
missed the ritual of changing
the water and lighting the
candles and incense. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a shelf above my desk on
which I have a <a href="http://jblstatue.com/pages/babaji.html">statue
of Baba</a>, Ganesh, a little
blue Buddha, Vishnu, a mini
Shinto shrine for scholars,
a very cool blessed virgin
Mary with lights. Mine is
a every icon in the storm
kind of spirituality. There
is also an incense holder.
On Wednesday I lit some incense
and a candle and filled
a cup with water. I put an orange
there. Did some yoga. And
ate the orange. I'm
not sure why. I'm not sure
what I mean by it all. I'm
just trying stuff.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
I went back to the job search
misery. I spent lots of
the day crying and knitting.
I did it all again yesterday.
Today. I'm just tired. And it's late. So. We'll see
how tomorrow goes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1299)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1299"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1000" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e1000"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e800"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>I had a bit of a melt down
after I learned (via
my comments) that there
was <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html">a memoir about growing
up fat</a> coming out. A memoir
written by an award winning
writer who already has <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0865475180&music=&buyable=1&assoc_id=">a
book</a> out. I reminded myself
that there are a zillion
memoirs of anorexia and
bulimia. There are a zillion
memoirs about lots of things.
But it hit me in my
already weakened sense of
possibility. And then I did
some goggle searches and
found an <a href="http://www.vachss.com/media/righteous/fat_girl_moore.html">excerpt</a>
and <a href="http://www.vachss.com/media/righteous/why_fat_girl_moore.html">an
explanation</a> for why
the woman wrote the book.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
would like to read this
book. I like memoir. The
excerpt doesn't really mention
being fat although it eludes
to it in the paragraph in
which she talks about what
she hadn't liked about being
at school. Her explanation
is full of things that give
me pause. She opens with
the idea that most fat women
don't write the truth about
being fat and goes on to
talk about the blisters
that form on your inner
thighs if the flesh rubs
together too much, in searing,
heart wrenching, compelling language.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
interesting. I have had
that experience but it's
been awhile. I wear pants
and tights and it just doesn't
happen then. But yeah. That
is a drag. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
goes on to talk about eating
a Cobb salad with such luscious
detail that I began to crave
one. She mentions that it
is a four serving salad
and it is eaten with garlic
bread. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
begins to sound a little
bit radical when she talks
about how former fat people
sometimes become anorexic
and die and that is worse
than being fat. But she
makes no claim on fat politics.
She is writing a truthful
account of her experience
of herself as someone who
over eats, diets, over eats
again and is fat. It is
one story of a fat life.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did and do try to tell the
truth about the difficult
aspects of life in a fat
body. I think one of the
problems the fat political
community has is that we
can't talk about the problems
out loud. With so many people
talking about how fat people
are all going to die, are
ugly, are less than engaged
with life, are lacking morality
and all the rest of the
yadda yadda that pounds
us daily, we feel like telling
the truth about the things
that are problematic might
not be good for the cause.
For me, the idea that I
might get blisters on the
inner parts of my thighs
if I'm not wearing pants
or tights doesn't mean I
shouldn't be hired for a
job I am able to do or be
harassed in my workplace,
be denied housing, have
my children taken away,
not have access to public
facilities, not have access
to transportation and so
on. My sense is that this
writer might agree with
me. Perhaps. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
another <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html?sym=EXC">excerpt</a>
she says she is not a fat
activist but she would prefer
thin people didn't find
her disgusting. Well. Yeah.
And I'm just wondering how
that's going to happen.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
I attempted to do in <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">my
book</a>, my unpublished book,
was to tell the truth and
ask a question. Why? Why
is it OK that my body is
seen through such an abusive
lens? In the five decades
of my life I've watched
as people of color, women,
gay and lesbian, disabled
people forged revolutions
in which they challenged
the way they were represented
and worked for social parity.
In the same time period of time fat people began to
question how they were seen and excluded. And things
are worse than ever. I know there are great things going
on but really. Things are bad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the challenges in writing about being fat is to stay
aware of your internalized oppression. I am not free
of negative thoughts about being fat. I am not free
of the confusion about food created in a life in which
food was problematized. But my view of myself has always
been grounded in a sense of process. It's a process.
Life. Having a body. Health. It's all always moving
and changing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
a section from the explanation of why Ms Moore wrote
her book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="317">
<tr>
<td width="311">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Perhaps I should have kept my fat trap shut about fat fat fat fat thighs and the rubbing raw. I don't think so. </span></font><em><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Fat Girl</span></font></em><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
wants to make room for herself. She wants to tuck in her big belly and
sit with her strong spine straight; she wants to sit right there on the
bookstore shelf with the other ladies whose true life stories are
getting told. She wants you to take her off the shelf and hold her in
both of your hands and open her up. She wants to tell you her story and
she wants you to tell her your story. Especially if your thighs are
fat. She also wants to say "Thank you for hanging around and reading
this."
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
like to read the book. I'd like to read both her books.
And it isn't my book. So I talked myself off the ledge.
For the eighty eight millionth time this week. It's
been a challenging week. My book isn't going to tuck
in its tummy. But it will sit up spine straight and
it will always say thank you for reading this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1300)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1300"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1001" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2005.htm#e1001"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e1001"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e801"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/">
</a>On Saturday CSPAN was at the <a href="http://www.tavistalks.com/TTcom/tsp.html">Tavis
Smiley State of the Black
Union event</a>, as they
are every year. I watched
two panel discussions both
of which were fun and challenging.
Tavis set a proposal for a
covenant within the black
community that might hold
the diversity of that community
out for discussion.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
noticed that, given my own
bias, I hear words like
spiritual and moral differently
when Cornell West says them
than when Minister Farrakhan
says them. Which is interesting.
Sometimes the best you can
do is be aware of your own bias. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
panels were big and some
people talked for longer
periods of time than others.
In some ways it is just
a great jam of really smart
people. Talk is just talk.
But it was spirit lifting.
Tavis manages to ask provocative
questions and still hold
a broad context. There were
people on the panel who
didn't really agree with
one another and were able
to articulate their disagreement
in ways that were both direct
and respectful. And also
feisty. Really smart people
trying to solve problems is always thrilling to me.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Sunday I walked over to <a href="http://www.traderjoes.com/">Trader
Joes</a> in search of muffins, yoghurt and bacon. It
felt like autumn. Cold. Thick, low hanging clouds. But
it is spring. The row of cherry trees on the block next
to mine is puffy and pink. The sidewalks are covered
with piles of pink tear drops. It began to rain as I
was walking home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now it's Monday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Looking
for a job, or places to submit writing, or writing is
doable on the weekend. But I just couldn't push myself
to do much. I did sleep well and eat well and read and
knitted and watched a <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60025545&trkid=73">good
movie</a>. This morning I did my loopy little ritual
and some yoga and had my breakfast and took a shower
and washed my hair and made the bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
writer once told me that having a column in her college
newspaper was the best thing for her writing. Having
that space to fill every day really helped her to think
like a writer and develop the muscle tone. Having a
blog has been that way for me. Right now I feel a little
bit under water. Slow. Not quite verbal. And having
a space to fill feels like a life raft. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1301)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1301"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
</td>
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</td>
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