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<td width="724"><p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>January 2004</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e518" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e518"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e518"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095238/">The
Good Mother</a> was on some channel the other day. I
kept thinking I should turn off the TV but my current
emotional state lends itself to lots of thinking I should
do something and not actually ever doing it. I'm not
sure if I saw the movie when it came out. I'm pretty
sure I didn't. Some of it seemed familiar and some of
it didn't. I was only half watching. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
there's this part where the Diane Keaton character refers
to herself as having been frigid. And it occurred to
me that you don't really hear that anymore. Do you?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess I don't spend much time in the places where that
kind of thing might be discussed but the movie brought
back this awareness of how vague sexuality seemed to
me back then. That was before <a href="http://www.bettydodson.com/">Betty
Dodson</a> and <a href="http://www.goodvibes.com/cgi-bin/sgdynamo.exe?CODIV=0102&UID=2004020213243889&HTNAME=index.html">Good
Vibes</a> and <a href="http://www.vday.org/">Eve Ensler.</a>
And if you were a het you were hoping someone like Liam
Neeson would slip under the covers and melt away your
fear of not being good in bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just remember that sex wasn't entirely clear to
me. And, to some extent, that's still true.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I was thinking about that and I saw this video for <a href="http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye_for_the_Straight_Guy/">QEFTSG</a>
in which one of them is ... uh ... dancing and there's
a woman and ... well. If you've seen it you know what
I'm talking about and if you haven't it's not even that
risque by current standards. I just found it confusing
because it is pretty risque. Kids growing up now see
sex ( or very close to it) on TV. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it all puts me in a very on-the-one-hand on-the-other-hand
frame of mind. Because I certainly don't want sex to
be this mysterious taboo don't ask don't tell place.
But. I mean. I'm not sure it's any easier for someone
coming of age to day to be clear about their own body
and their own sexuality than it ever has been. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/02/02/superbowl.jackson/index.html">news
today</a> is all about Janet Jackson's breast and the
FCC investigation. Picture my eyebrow arched. <a href="http://www.mtv.com/onair/super_bowl/2004/">MTV
has an apology on their site</a>. Everyone is apologizing.
And I'm just not sure why. Is the little bit of breast
we saw more sexual that all the dry humping and flesh
exposure we regularly see? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
just seems odd. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always vacillate on this kind of thing. On the one hand
I want sex to have context. If not love at least something
that looks like people who realize that there is a relationship
of some import occurring when we touch. And that not
all naked bodies are sexual advertising. On the other
hand. People get jiggy with it from time to time. So?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it's good that there is more open public conversation
about sexuality. But I'm not sure we're getting very
far in terms of a truly liberated joy in our experience.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't really care if Janet's breast was exposed by accident.
Before we saw the breast we saw lots of booty shaking.
We see it all the time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
everyone talks about this little bit of flesh I wonder
about the <a href="http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/localRegional.bg?articleid=1661">person
who died last night in Boston when a car crashed into
a group of people who were celebrating the stuperbowl.
And the person who was seriously injured and the cars
that were burned</a>. I don't think that's because football
is a bad thing. I think it's about the hopped up market
driven sexualized context in which football is watched.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I remember that feeling. That way that Diane Keaton's
character just didn't know about her body. Just wasn't
sure about boundaries. And love. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(819)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_819"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 3:06
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e519" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e519"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e519"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
ate this huge bowl of lettuce
for dinner. Really huge. It
made me laugh. I might be exaggerating.
It might not have been huge. But it was really big.
It was a bunch
of green leaf that I needed
to eat before it went bad. There
were artichoke hearts and roasted
bell peppers and avocado in
the bowl but it was mostly lettuce.
I do not know why I got such
a kick out of it. I also had
some mashed potato. That's one
of my favorite dinners. Potato
and salad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Over
at the <a href="http://northcoastcafe.typepad.com/north_coast_cafe/2004/01/mcdonalds.html">North
Coast Cafe</a> I read about a new film. <a href="http://www.iofilm.co.uk/feats/filmmaking/publicity.shtml">Supersize
Me.</a> I keep thinking about it because there's been
a flurry of stuff around the evils of fast food. The
house passed <a href="http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c108:1:./temp/~c108h9dhML::">H.R.
339</a> to prevent the fast food made me fat law
suits. <a href="http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=17649">Alternet
took the Bush administration to task</a> for not being
more supportive of the WHO's push to combat obesity.
I find myself in a game of internal ping pong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been consistently critical of fast food. Not critical
of hamburgers and french fries. I like <a href="http://www.sallys-place.com/food/dining_directory/north_america/sf/sf38.htm">hamburgers</a>
and french fries when the meat is fresh and the potatoes
are real. I don't like them every day. I don't even
like them once a month. But I like them. Fast food is
like salty cardboard. I don't even know if it should
be called food. And reading about what a steady diet
of fast food can do to you makes the case for its badness.
And clearly gaining weight is one of the things that
happens when you eat fast food every day. And clearly
Americans eat too much fast food and that's partially
why people are fatter. And clearly we are exporting
this bad food culture to the world. And clearly kids
are targeted by the fast food companies.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
another thing that's clear. Not all fat people eat fast
food. When all the fast food companies are gone there
will still be fat people. Thin people also eat fat food.
Many people eat fast food and don't gain weight but
suffer all the negative health impacts. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was in school I ate some fast food. Usually late at
night, after a class. I would be hungry and tired and
salty, greasy carbs seemed comforting. I'd always get
a stomach ache. But I understood why people eat that
stuff. Time. Energy. Money. But it is hard for me to
understand someone eating it every day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wasn't in support of the fast food made me fat law suits.
But I wish someone could come up with a way to make
fast food companies accountable. I guess I could be
happy that the congress is saying that we can't use
fat as the reason. But I don't think they were saying
anything about weight based discrimination. They were
making sure that money could be made. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.fatso.com/">Marilyn</a>
says she gets a sick feeling when she hears phrases
like "preventing obesity" or "weight
problem". Me too. I can't remember who said it
but there's this line that goes: when all you have is
a hammer, everything looks like a nail.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(820)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_820"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:23
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e520" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e520"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e520"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was hanging out at city hall
yesterday. The task force saga which began <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March03.htm#e170">last
year</a> continues. The task force is now sitting and
yesterday was the first meeting. <a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/">Jennifer</a>,
Elena and Ester are on the task force. Marilyn was there.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
first meeting was mostly business which included one
of the city attorneys explaining <a href="http://hss.sfgov.org/site/ethics_page.asp?id=14090">The
Sunshine Ordinance</a>, the <a href="http://www.vanguardnews.com/brownact.htm">Brown
Act</a> and <a href="http://www.robertsrules.com/">Robert's
Rules</a> in ten or fifteen minutes. I might have been
the only person in the room who liked that part. Then
there were introductions. And a protracted discussion
on breaking into working groups. Which I thought was
a terrible idea and said so in public comment. But they
did it anyway. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
left feeling two opposite things. The task force is
aware of our concerns about the targeting of fat kids
and they give lip service to that concern. And we are
represented. And we there making sure that they keep
their word. So things may be OK. Or not that bad. And
watching how slowly everything moves there may not be
much to worry about. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the other hand it's clear that when people talk about
nutrition and physical fitness they mean eat less and
exercise more. And what they really mean is don't be
fat. You just don't hear about the thin and average
sized kids who eat crap and drink soda and play computer
games. You just don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always get the feeling, when I'm there, that we (the
fat people) are being placated. They think we are in
denial about our bad health. They think we are a fringe
group of people who don't get it. They think we'll go
away. And they are surprised when we keep showing up.
But I don't get a really deep feeling that they are
getting why. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fat
people are discriminated against. In the job market.
In heath care. In access to public facilities. Can you
imagine a fat candidate? Think of how often Clinton
was joked about for his weight. And really. On what
planet is he fat? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But,
as with all bias, the kids are the ones who pay the
price for our unwillingness to make this culturally
unacceptable. The kids are the ones who endure the worst
of the harassment and who internalize the ideas about
how far they will be able to go in life. And it is the
kids who will hide the candy bars and feel the shame
but want so much to be able to eat candy - <b>like all
the other kids</b> - without fear of being shamed. Is
the candy good for the other kids? Can we all just have
a little candy? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Can
we talk about good food and the joy of movement without
always always always mentioning that we do those things
so we won't be fat? And can we admit that we don't want
to be fat because we all know how hard it is to live
in such a fat hating culture? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
the meeting one gentleman came up and talked to Marilyn
and I. He was quite nice. Later he saw me at the bus
stop and asked if I needed a ride. North Beach is usually
out of the way for most people and yet he gave me a
ride home. He was very sweet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
here's where I get to bust myself. I had a lot of appearance
based judgement on him. He was thin and white and
I just thought he would really not be open to our ideas.
He is on the task force because he has a son with disability.
We had a really lovely conversation. When I'm wrong.
I'm wrong. And I was happy to be wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
task force will meet for a year and then give suggestions.
The whole thing has me thinking. About lots of things.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(821)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_821"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:29
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e521" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e521"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e521"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
I was at city hall there was a protest across the street
in front of the state building. I could hear them through
the window. It was about <a href="http://www.savekevincooper.org/">Kevin
Cooper.</a> There is still time to make a call or <a href="mailto:[email protected]:">e-mail </a>the
<a href="http://www.governor.ca.gov/state/govsite/gov_homepage.jsp">governor</a>.
As difficult as it is to address him as governor. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
must admit that I feel little hope about a man like
Arnold doing anything in response to phone calls or
e-mails. Leadership in this country doesn't seem to
be listening to the voices of the people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Massachusetts
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/02/05/national0617EST0497.DTL">becomes
the wedding state</a> and the president <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/05/politics/05MARR.html">threatens
constitutional changes</a> so that "activist judges"
won't ruin the hetro strangle hold on commitment. Apparently
if you disagree with him you're an activist and if you're
an activist we need to make sure there are laws to protect
us from you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the news is all about <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/05/superbowl.jackson/index.html">Janet's
breast</a>. I didn't watch the superbowl. I didn't see
the performance. But if you watch the mainstream media
news for two minutes you've seen some of it. No one
seems to be upset about the portrayal of a man grabbing
at a woman. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/12/09/elec04.g.arnold/index.html">We
elect people who do that.</a> The big upset is about
seeing the breast itself. So upsetting that <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/05/tv.er.breast.ap/index.html">ER
is editing a scene</a> from tonights show in which there
was a bit of a woman's breast visible. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard someone say that we wouldn't be seeing live shows
anymore and I thought they were exaggerating. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/03/grammys.tape.delay/index.html">But
maybe not.</a> And despite the fact that we are all
so offended, we seem to <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/ptech/02/03/television.tivo.reut/index.html">be
watching.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
conversation feels all wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
while there is much effort to make sure <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/peterson/">Scott
Peterson</a> gets a fair trial Kevin Cooper waits through
this long day with little media attention. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(822)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_822"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:13
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e522" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e522"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e522"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes,
when the <a href="http://www.earthcalendar.net/_php/lunarphases.php">moon
is full</a>, I can't sleep. When I got into bed last
night I felt wide awake. I read for awhile.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I answered the question - how are you? - by saying
- <a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E02E1D81539F935A25752C1A9659C8B63">living
to tell the tale</a>. I think I was being rather more
sardonic than Marquez. I was saying that it wasn't going
well and the best I could do was to tell the story.
Marquez is telling the story of his life and family.
Every single member of his family. Oh. That's a joke.
But I keep thinking about One
Hundred Years of Solitude while I read. There were
so many people. So many Jose somebody or others. I found
it annoying. It's kind of like when you're trying to
tell a story and you have to tell a lot of back story
to make yourself clear. But the beauty of the language
kept me reading. <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0375400699&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Love
In The Time of Cholera</a> was the book that won my
heart. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finally felt sleepy enough to try to sleep. Apropos
of nothing I was remembering a conversation I had with
<a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0398/hornbacher/">Marya</a>,
or maybe it was something I read in <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0398/hornbacher/excerpt.html">her
book</a>. And I was remembering when I was a teenager
and Mom and I were living in an apartment. I came home
from school and was alone for a few hours until she
got home from work. I didn't love being alone. And I
was hungry. So I'd eat <a href="http://www.poptarts.com/promotions/pt_chillout/">Pop
Tarts</a>. They come two in an envelope. I'd eat one
cold while I waited for one to toast. There were three
envelopes in the box and I'd sometimes I'd eat all three.
It just seemed like such a gorge. But Marya would tell
me what she ate on a binge and I'd be slack jawed with
disbelief. She is such a tiny woman. But she can eat
some food. I was trying to sleep and I kept thinking
about how often I thought I was eating huge amounts
of food. And maybe they were large amounts. But not
necessarily huge. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did get to sleep. And I woke up dreaming that I was
trying to save a kid who had fallen into the water.
It's hard to wake up from that kind of dream because
you want to find out what happens. But my arm was caught
in my pjs pants. I wear a magnetic bracelet and it had,
somehow, wound itself into a place where the pants are
torn. Disconcerting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
many reasons, most of which are about event of
the last six years or so, but really having to
do with my whole life, I've become extremely reclusive.
Certainly the last few months have given me enough reason
to want to sit in my apartment and not ever go out again.
I'm not really worried about it. I keep thinking it
will pass. But I can feel it at play when I apply for
a job. I send out the resume and then it's like I run
and hide under the blankets. None of the jobs I'm sending
resumes to are ones that I want. What I want is a <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">book</a>
deal. But I'm not really doing anything about that.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
week has been particularly bad. I did go out to the
city hall thing but that was only four hours. I talk
on the phone a bit. But I am under the covers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know it's important for me to push myself out there.
Kristina sent some encouraging e-mail with a link to
a memoir about a woman who is the sister of a woman
who had gastric bypass surgery. There are plenty of
books glorifying weight loss. Not too many talking about
an engaged life in a fat body. She included a quote
from <a href="http://www.scholars.nus.edu.sg/landow/post/achebe/achebeov.html">Achebe</a>.
"<i>Until lions produce their own historian, the
story of the hunt will only be written by the hunter."</i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
signed up for <a href="http://www.readerville.com/">Readerville</a>
because Kristina said the message boards are a good
place to meet people who are working on getting published.
I haven't introduced myself. Yet. Sonia has sent me
a zillion things to check out. Every excursion out seems
to send me back, deeper into the covers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's not a satisfying place to be when you can't even
sleep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(823)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_823"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:27
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e523" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e523"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e523"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
electricity went out for a while last night. It wasn't
a big deal. I lit some candles and I have one of those
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00005R8TJ/104-8430605-0294353?v=glance">book
reading lights</a>, so I read. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was bummed because I knew <a href="http://www.jimhightower.com/">Jim
Hightower</a> was going to be on going to be on <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/">Now</a>
talking about <a href="http://www.rollingthundertour.org/">Rolling
Thunder</a> and grassroots politics. Fortunately the
power came back and I got to watch.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was not one word about the outage on the local news.
Not one word. Just the usual be afraid of your neighbor
stuff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(824)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_824"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:06
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e524" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e524"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e524"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went over to <a href="http://cocokat.com./">Laurie's</a>.
She's been writing so beautifully about her struggle
to write. And she uses the word <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=%20anhedonia%20">anhedonia</a>.
A word I learned from Suzanne in many discussions of
how I'm doing. Great word. Terrible way to feel. I notice
that <a href="http://www.braincrayons.com/index.php">ntexas99</a>
has a blog. Has had one for two months now. Which just
goes to show you how out of the loop I've been. There
are just so many great blogs out there. I feel too slow.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Laurie
makes me smile with musings about checking her stats
and wondering why people don't leave comments and yes
yes yes. Been there. Done that. Still do. Except I've
been feeling so dreary that I fear my writing is ...
um ... uh ... wrong some how. Not good enough. Too something.
I've been afraid to check my stats. I don't want to
know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
whole problem of not wanting to go out impacts
my blogging sometimes. I don't always comment. I read.
I smile. I sigh. And I get very shy. The other day I
was thinking about how <a href="http://www.braincrayons.com/index.php">Dru's</a>
was the first place I felt totally comfortable commenting
with no worries about how smart I may or may not be.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
days it's less about that and more about a fog filled
brain. Writing my own post seems like a push.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Although.
Sometimes I just can't get the comment system to work.
<a href="http://www.enetation.co.uk/">Enetation</a> hates
me. I tried to leave a comment for <a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/">Kell</a>
six times the other day. I had trouble leaving a comment
here the other day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">While
at the <a href="http://www.braincrayons.com/index.php">new
to me blog </a>I noticed the <a href="http://www.magpienest.org/scgi-bin/wiki.pl?FoodAndPlace">Ecotone
topic: Food and place</a>. I should pay more attention
to the Ecotone prompt but that shyness, or reticence
that I've been mentioning keeps me tight. Some what.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Food
and place. Where do I begin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ironically
it's a food from my childhood that comes immediately
to mind. <a href="https://shop.sourceminders.com/cgi-bin/isalyscatalog/index.html">Chipped
ham.</a> Sundays. Coming home from church. Stop to get
chipped ham for the gathering family at Grandmom's.
We ate it piled on pasty white hamburger buns. Sometimes
lettuce and tomato but mostly just the ham. It would
tickle the inside of your mouth. We ate it with <a href="http://www.hometown-treats.com/products/p_wise_potato_chips.html">Wise
potato chips.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
held this memory for so long. And then I went to Pittsburgh
for a family wedding. I insisted that we have a chipped
ham sandwich lunch. It was so not good. The ham had
no flavor. The chips were too salty. You cannot go home
again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
should spend more time on this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the blog tour continued. I went to <a href="http://www.kuidaosumi.com/Updates/jenjournal.html">Jenni's</a>
to check out <a href="http://www.kuidaosumi.com/TOwriting/ltr-cooper.html">Tony's
letter.</a> Perfect. And she had a poll about which
party you're going to vote. I've been saying I'm holding
onto my Democratic registration only as long as it takes
to vote for Dennis and then I'm going Green. But I may
end up voting Democratic anyway. (puts her head in her
hands and groans)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(825)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_825"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:32
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e525" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e525"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e525"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
nothing quite like waking up to a restaurant dream.
In the dream I was cooking at a new place and I was
working with a guy who wouldn't tell me what I needed
to know. I was in the walk-in looking for things and
I couldn't find them. I couldn't read the tickets. The
funny thing is I wanted to stay asleep until I could
solve all the problems. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(826)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_826"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:39
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e526" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e526"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e526"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought last Monday was the first <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga
class</a>. When I woke up it was raining, really, really
hard. My joints were aching. I just couldn't push myself
to take the two buses I need to take to get there. As
the day went on the sun came out and I was kicking myself.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I was wrong. Class begins today. The sun is out. I'm
in a remarkably good mood. In a few hours I'll be on
my way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also got an e-mail about a <a href="http://sanfranciscowritersconference.com/list_of_agents.htm">speed
dating with agents</a> event next Sunday. So this week
I'm going to pull up <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>
and work on it. I've been calling it done and it pretty
much is. But you can always make things better. And
I hope that reading it will give me confidence. I have
a sense of purpose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure why I'm feeling so positive. Nothing has actually
changed. But I do. I'm even looking forward to the bus
ride because I get so much reading done on the bus.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
only shadow on my mood is the worry about <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/02/09/MNGH04S1E21.DTL">Kevin
Cooper</a>. So I'm going to send some of this good feeling
into the big energy bank and hope it opens some hearts.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(827)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_827"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:28
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e527" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e527"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e527"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Yoga was very good. And, as
it turned out, I only needed to take one bus. And it
was sunny beautiful day. All good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yoga
has always seemed to me to be about presence. Being
deeply present in your body. We did <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/495_1.cfm">warrior
pose</a>, which is one of my favorites. It feels like
dignity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Paul
wrote <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/columnists/archives/001161.php">a
column</a> on <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/">BFB
</a>about <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA </a>.
It's stirred up some thinking in me about the idea of
fat people as a coalition. There are comparisons made
to the Gay community. In the gay community there are
many kinds of people with a full spectrum of perspectives
on many things. But the one thing they can agree on
is that their sexuality is not pathological. And they
agree that work, health care, access to public facilities
and education are all things in which they deserve full
participation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Fat
people have a hard time agreeing about the most fundamental
thing. That our bodies are not a pathology. Many of
us think that if we hadn't eaten that cookie last week
we'd be thin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never object to anyone eating in a healthy balanced
way. And part of being balanced is about knowing that
a cookie is a good thing. Eating to celebrate is joyful.
Food is comforting. I never object to anyone moving
more. Movement is a good thing. But many people are
never going to want to do an athletic level of movement.
And for some people eating a balanced diet, with some
joyful moments, and moving regularly is all they want
to do. And some of them will be fat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it's true that we, as a country, are somewhat
fatter as a result of fast food and too many screens.
I'm happy to advocate for good food and physical activity.
But there are some folks who will always be fat. And
they can still be healthy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
fat people get asked the question about the magic pill
that will make it possible for them to be thin, many
find it hard to say they wouldn't want it. And we have
had <a href="http://www.fda.gov/cder/news/phen/fenphenpr81597.htm">some</a>
<a href="http://www.citizen.org/publications/release.cfm?ID=7273">pills</a>
haven't we? But we still want another one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always say I wouldn't take the pill. And that has to
do with a desire to have an authentic relationship with
my body. Which doesn't mean I try to stay fat. it just
means I'm not hoping for a magic pill. And I eat my
veggies. I try to do something physical every day. But
I'm not interested in working out for hours every day.
And I will eat a cookie with joy when I want one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
a day goes by that I don't hear some fat phobic comment
or see something that suggests that fat people are ugly
and lazy and contemptible. Not a day. Fat phobia is
so hopped up right now that even <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/a/2004/02/10/national0907EST0528.DTL">diet
gurus</a> are targets for hatred. It would be nice to
have an organization that did work to create a strong,
informed, fat community. Conventions and pool parties
and dances are fine. But we need an deeper analysis.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
very powerful to be together as fat people. To tell
our stories in places where they will be believed. But
we don't need a fat ghetto. We need empowerment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
kinda achy today. The yoga and the walking to and from
the bus worked me. But it's a good feeling. I take great
pleasure in knowing about all those little muscles.
I still have that hopeful feeling that I woke up with
yesterday. And I am breathing a deep sigh <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/02/10/national0432EST0466.DTL">of
relief</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(828)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_828"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:14
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e528" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e528"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e528"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Usually I wake up, go to the
living room, turn on the radio and turn on the computer.
Today I decided to do some yoga first. I did as much
as I could remember from and hour and a half of class
in about ten minutes. Clearly I need to slow down. But
it felt good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never remember when Karen's birthday is. I remember
that it's in February. And I have it written down. So
all I gotta do is look in one of my many date books
and get it together. But I don't. For the last few weeks
I've been thinking about it. Trying to remember to look.
I noticed that I've been thinking about it more and
more often. So maybe I'm tuned in because her birthday
was two days ago. Picture me smacking myself in the
head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
mom gets her cards for the month together on the first
of the month. She's the queen of cards. I want to be
the queen of cards.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Smack.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
guess I shouldn't keep smacking. I'll undo what little
bit of Zen I got going this morning in my speed yoga
session. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(829)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_829"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:08
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e529" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e529"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e529"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's possible that I'm vesting
too much hope in the <a href="http://sanfranciscowritersconference.com/list_of_agents.htm">speed
dating event</a>. I spent some time going through the
list of agents and looking for information on line about
them. I'm making little packages with a sticker on them
that shows the cover I designed. It feels like something
tangible to do. The agency that already rejected me
will be there. Guess I won't be visiting them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/blogger.html">Meg</a>
has a new icon for me on the <a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/2004_02_01_archive.html#107651400384855577">quija
board.</a> And she says subjects vary on my blog. Indeed
they do. And much like <a href="http://www.revike.org/">Reverend
Ike,</a> I never let my subject interfere with what
I have to say. Heh. The quija board is such a great
community builder. I appreciate being on it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like I did have something more I was going write
about but I can't remember now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(830)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_830"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:22
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e530" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e530"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e530"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/51400/3/1799178/Large">Kobi</a>
and <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/51400/2/1785434">Kara</a>
had a baby. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/68235">Kobina
Jan Ushun</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I got to hold him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(831)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_831"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 5:43
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e531" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e531"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e531"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's Friday the thirteenth.
I've always had a good feeling about Friday the thirteenth.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Much
as I distrust our mayor I will have to admit that I'm
very happy with <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/02/13/MNGUQ50F0J1.DTL">what
he did yesterday.</a> Ari and Leslie, who already have
rings and have been making plans to go to Canada to
be married in the fall, are on their way to city hall
today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Babies
and weddings. What is going on in my world?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(832)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_832"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:36
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e532" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e532"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e532"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My feelings about marriage are
not entirely positive. But I
am still so pleased about <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/02/14/SAMESEX.TMP">what's
going on in SF.</a> I spoke
to Ari. She and Leslie were
at city hall today. They are
now married and I am very happy
for them.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was born into a marriage that
was ending. Maybe that's why.
Maybe it's because I have never
found a partner. But there is
something about the privileging
of the nuclear structure, the
way people who aren't in a relationship
often feel like there's something
wrong in their lives. There's
something about the way marriage
creates credibility. There's
something about the money that
gets spent on weddings. There's
something about property and
the ways that family forms an
exclusive primacy. There's something
about the way I, as the single
friend, am just supposed to
accept that plans with me will
be broken in deference to the
family. It all bugs me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
love is good. Ritual is good.
Celebration is good. And there's
such a feeling of joy and rightness
in all of this. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.denniskucinich.us/article.php?story=2004021317121680&mode=print">Dennis
was in town</a> yesterday. I
was going to go see him but
an old friend from New York
is in town. I spent the afternoon
with her talking about old times.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the problems I had writing
my book was that I had to write
about things that were painful.
It's no wonder that I resist
working on it. And sometimes
I feel like someone who keeps
reaching for and missing the
brass ring. And I have to ask
myself how much of that is because
I'm using ways of assessing
my life that don't reflect my
inner values. The up side
of that kind of deep reconsideration
and attempt to draw meaning
from my life is that, on good
days, I feel a sense of resolve.
On bad days I feel lost. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's always a coin
in the air.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Moyers
was good last night. But I was somewhat taken aback
by the section on the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/indecency.html">FCC
and decency.</a> First of all because the conversation
is still framed around the appearance of the breast
and not much is said about the portrayal of a many (a
white man, by the way) ripping the clothing of a woman
(a black woman, by the way) while she says no. I remember
when <a href="http://www.holtuncensored.com/members/column152.html">Fran
Lebowitz was called upon to defend the Brooklyn museum</a>
and a piece of art that she didn't even like because
the decency police were threatening funding. I feel
that way now. I feel like saying we need to stop finding body
parts offensive. And I wish someone was asking Justin
why he thought grabbing and tearing a woman's clothing
was OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
here I sit. Not on my way to a wedding. Trying to get
ready to find my literary soul mate tomorrow. Feeling
a little bit mooky. But also happy to have seen an old
friend. And happy to live in a city celebrating love.
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="100">
<tr>
<td width="94">
<p><a href="http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/"><img src="Heart.gif" width="98" height="89" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(833)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_833"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:06
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e533" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e533"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e533"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's a official. <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018731.html">Dru
is my valentine.</a> Although,
<a href="http://cocokat.com./">Laurie</a> sent me a
beautiful valentine early in the day. How did I get
this lucky?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up a little bit after five. I was going to get
up at five thirty but I couldn't get back to sleep.
I'm glad I got any sleep. I figured I'd be awake all
night practicing talking about my book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I printed out a bunch of three page summaries. I've
been working on the book all week. Last night I read
the last few pages and I really do feel like it's a
good book. But I swear, there's a part of me that gets
tense as I type that. It's almost like I fear that if
I'm too proud I'll get a slap from the gods. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm nervous. But I'm <a href="http://sanfranciscowritersconference.com/list_of_agents.htm">on
my way</a>. Buoyed by valentine
wishes and a little heart in my comment box.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(834)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_834"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 6:50
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e534" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e534"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e534"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
didn't work out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
go everywhere early. I was awake early. I was out the
door early. I didn't freak out when the bus took a long
time to come. I didn't freak out when the hotel wasn't
where I thought it was going to be. I sat in the lobby
in front of the stairway to the room where I thought the
event was going to be, reading. Finally I looked around
and realized that there was another door, up a different
flight of stairs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went and the room was packed with folks. Packed. I found
the woman who was checking people in and was told there
was no room. They were full. And they were. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure it would have made a difference if I'd been
there earlier. It is part of a bigger writers convention.
But I felt like an idiot. I walked out of the hotel,
got in a cab and was home ten minutes later. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
trying not to go for the fall I feel myself going for.
I'm tired and I'm trying to tell myself that it might
not be the best way to meet an agent. They will be meeting
so many writers today. I'm trying to tell myself that
it's OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I feel like a fuck up.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(835)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_835"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:01
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e535" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e535"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e535"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I did crash. Partly because
I was just tired. I tried to
sleep but my apartment building
was noisy. I tried to watch
my Netflicks stash. I couldn't
get the subtitles to work on
<a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60002870">one</a>.
I had trouble
concentrating on <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60010815">another.</a>
I tried to nap again. I ordered
some Chinese food and watched
<a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60003398">Vatel</a>.
And then a lot of television.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a point last week when I was going to register on
line for the event. I really don't know why I didn't.
It may have been full then. I'll just never know. And
it was a meat market. I'm not sure how much I could
have handled. I might not have stayed long. I have the
agents list. I can contact them on my own. It's all
OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it just felt really weird when the woman said we're
full up. There so many people. It felt overwhelming.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I get this book published it
should be interesting to reread
all this. I did give some thought
to the agents coming to read my blog. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
geez. It's just all so fraught. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
Monday. It's raining. I need to get ready to go to <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga</a>
and practice my warrior pose.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(836)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_836"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:42
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e536" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e536"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e536"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e373"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
This is a post in response to
stuff that's been said in the
comment boxes on <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/columnists/archives/001161.php">Paul's
post</a> about <a href="http://www.naafa.org/">NAAFA.</a>.
The conversation there seems to have come to a conclusion,
of sorts. And I felt the need to hold back there because
some things that were said pissed me off. A lot. And
I don't want to go on and on at BFB. But I need to go
on and on a bit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about how a massage therapist has to know
how to touch a person in a non sexual manner. For people
who have been abused, therapeutic massage can be a way
to relearn a positive relationship with their bodies.
And if the therapist can't establish a sense of non
sexual space, it just doesn't work. It just seems to
me that understanding that sex is only one part of who
we are is pretty basic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
is it so hard for an organization to get that maintaining
a culture of dignity and respect is essential? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think NAAFA needs to come out with a clearly articulated
position separating itself from Dimensions. It's not
about rejecting what has been true. People can honor
the work that has been done and articulate a definite
change of focus. NAAFA began as a social organization
with some attention paid to civil rights. And now it's
time to refocus. So thanks to everyone who helped get
the organization get to where it is, but there have
been some people who have felt disenfranchised and they
hope people are willing to give them another chance.
And they are going to make a renewed effort to educate
people about the concerns of fat people and fight fat
phobia. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Paul
mentioned the logo. The whole web site needs work. There
are broken links on the front page. Everything that
has happened for a few years is all there. It give me
a feeling of no one being home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a lot that can be done but I honestly don't feel that
there is any will on the part of the NAAFA board to
fully address the issues. I'm trying not to judge that
based on the comments in Paul's post. But that's what
seems to be true. I don't have a lot of hope. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm actually OK with NAAFA being a social organization.
I'm not interested in pool parties and dinner dances
but so what? People are. Let them party. Just don't
ask me to pay dues. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Paul
has some <a href="http://www.canada.com/saskatoon/starphoenix/story.asp?id=DFF4532C-5C00-40E1-9579-B2E930FC3D49">interesting</a>
<a href="http://news.scotsman.com/features.cfm?id=186462004">new</a>
<a href="http://news.scotsman.com/features.cfm?id=186462004">posts.</a>
He's doing great work. The revolution is happening.
NAAFA needs to keep up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(837)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_837"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 6:54
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e537" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e537"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e537"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The other night, when I was
slumped out, I watched <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/index.html">The
Extreme Makeover Home Edition</a>. I don't know why
these home make over shows capture my attention. I think
it's because you can see things change. And I need to
see things change. But the ideas of improvement are
so dubious. This show was financed in a big way and
lacked some of the charm of the shows on Discovery.
I mean they spent some major money on this house. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
family's father was in Iraq and there were three boys
and a mom in a very small house. The mom and boys were
sent to Disney Land while the make over took place.
They didn't know that the dad was brought home to "help".
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
there was all this problematic meaning making. Knowing
that the family was going to come home and find the
father added an emotional dynamic. At the end of the
show <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/gallery/ep102/49.html">the
designers put a flag</a> in the front yard, much <a href="http://www.iwojima.com/">in
the manner of Iwo Jima</a>. The portrait of an "American"
family was just so strong. And tacky. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
the mom and boys take a tour of their new house <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/gallery/ep102/54.html">they
see the dad</a>. And believe me, I cried. It was very
moving. Made me wish all the dads were home. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
make over included taking off siding and putting on
stucco, tearing out bushes and making a cactus garden,
moving the dad's office into the garage and making the
boys bedrooms bigger, giving the mom a beautiful bathroom
and the boys, who all share a bathroom, got a bigger
shower and two sinks. There was new everything, dish
washer, laundry machines, televisions, dishes, furniture,
on and on and on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just so torn when I see this stuff. The family seemed
very sweet. And they were so happy. And I was happy
for them. I was happy that they got all that new stuff.
They built the boys a <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/gallery/ep102/87.html">batter
cage</a> and a <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/gallery/ep102/58.html">miniature
baseball field</a>. <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/gallery/ep102/90.html">Tommy
La Sorda came to give them hats and bats.</a> It was
an "American" image festival. And very sweet,
in many ways.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I woke up dreaming that I was there at the house
helping the family get used to their news stuff. Things
were a mess and I was folding laundry and trying to
clean up. It's the second time I've had trouble waking
up because I wanted to stay asleep until I got all the
problems solved. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
bunch of new stuff is fun. I kept thinking that the
family wouldn't need to buy much for awhile and they
could use their money for other things. Like three college
educations. And I hope the high from all this gives
them a boost. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like the narratives of my life were about people
who found a way to be happy without stuff. And I worry
about families who feel the pressure to give their families
all that stuff.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the young boys said that the best part of the whole
thing was having his dad home. So maybe it's all good.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(838)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_838"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:55
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e538" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e538"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e538"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Every once in a while I have
a day in which I can not wake up. Yesterday was one.
Sometimes I think it's hormones. Maybe it was the pressure
of the waves of rain storms we got hit with yesterday.
But I was sleep walking all day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
it came time to go to bed I was still tired. But an
hour later I was awake. I spent most of the night sleeping
and reading in alternating fifteen minute segments.
And yet, this morning, I am awake. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wouldn't say I'm wide awake and full of energy. I have
a little bit of a headache. But I don't feel like I'm
narcoleptic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
all a mystery. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(839)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_839"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:56
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e539" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e539"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e539"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
19 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I didn't really like Howard
Dean. But yesterday I had television news on a lot and
they were going on and on about ... hey, wha happened?
He was so far ahead and wha happened? Duh huh? In each
segment they played his shouting moment. The media massacred
this guy. I'm not saying that he lost all those primaries
because of that one thing but the way information is
manipulated is just too much a part of what's going
on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
media tends to ignore Dennis. Or treat him like a joke.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
saw Noam Chomsky on CSPAN this weekend and he quoted
some study that said an alarming number of people get
their news from comedy news. Like, I guess, the Daily
Show. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other I day I jumped to <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/politicselections/nation/president/2004-02-03-candidates-eat_x.htm">this
article</a> form <a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">Ms.
Lauren's</a> site. I had mixed feelings about it. I
was appalled reading about John Edwards daily consumption
of Mctrash. I think I've made it clear that I hate
fast food and would be happy if it all went away and
we ate food from our local farmers markets instead.
But there is this peculiar moral overlay on what the
candidates eat. John Kerry comes off as the most moral
since he skips meals and is upset because he can't get
more bike riding done. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a friend who suffered from eating disorders. She
told me that the anorexics were held in high regard
by the bulimics because the anorexics didn't eat AT
ALL.. Very moral. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a one liner in the article about Dennis being a vegan.
As usual, since he is the guy that proves the article
wrong, he isn't given much space. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
kind of thing bugs me because articles about the evils
of fast food almost always include mention of how fat
we all are. And I will concede that it's somewhat true
that we are somewhat fatter because of fast food. But
clearly you can eat fast food and not be fat. And clearly,
you can be fat and not eat fast food. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
tell ya the one place I might be tempted to eat fast
food. On a road trip. Usually when I'm on a road trip
I take bags of fruit and veggies and snacks that aren't
filled with chemicals. But there is something about
bad diner food in the middle of no where that tastes
just right. It's part of the funk. You come off a road
trip feeling a little bit ragged. Like you've been through
something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I had my band I loved the after the gig chow down at
places like Denny's. I would never go into a Denny's
unless it was the only place open. And it was. So we
drank bad coffee and ate breakfast in the middle of
the night and hoped it would calm our booze and drug
poisoned systems. It was all part of an outlaw identity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
more disturbed by the site of Edwards sucking down a
Coke because of the corporate food smashing of real
food culture than I am concerned about what it might
signify in terms of his health habits.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday,
while I listened to Howard Dean call it a day I had
to admit that I live in a rarified political atmosphere
in which the guy I didn't vote for in the last mayoral
race because he wasn't radical enough is leading the
country in <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/02/19/MNGSS53G4720.DTL">a
cause that makes me so happy.</a> Dean calls himself
progressive. And I just never felt that he was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a great new <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/fiore/">Fiore.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(840)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_840"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:15
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e540" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e540"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e540"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Democracy
Now</a> played <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/02/20/1535232">the
testimony John Kerry gave to the Senate in 1971</a>
calling for the immediate withdrawal from Vietnam. It
was remarkably fierce. It got me thinking about what
being an elected official does to a person. Politics
is such a maze of compromise and manipulation and image.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been interesting to feel as good as I do about <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/02/20/state1405EST0079.DTL">Newsom</a>.
I'm still suspicious but I'm pretty happy with him.
If <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a> had
done the same thing the fact that he's Green would have
been an issue. The conversation would have been about
the Green party and political radicalism. I'm not sure
<a href="http://www.ammianoformayor.com/en/">Tom</a>
would have even tried but if he had we'd be hearing
about the Gay agenda. But <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/mayor_index.asp?id=22014">Newsom</a>
is white, straight, married to a woman who considered
beautiful, doesn't really have the support of the left
and he's a liberal Democrat. So they can't take shots
at him or his politics. The conversation is about Gay
marriage and the constitution. As it should be.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
isn't getting a lot of support <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/02/20/MNGSF54RDD1.DTL">from
political leaders</a>. Even <a href="http://www.house.gov/frank/">Barney
Frank</a> has said he's worried about the weddings in
SF. He's worried that if things go too fast the right
will push back hard. And they might. But there is some
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/02/20/state1604EST0136.DTL">energy
moving</a> in this country right now. It feels great.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
could be argued that politicians have to represent as
many people as possible, whether they agree with them
or not. That's the excuse you get for the middle of
the road positioning that happens in the Democratic
party. "There isn't enough support." I think
the people are ready for a lot more that their leaders
give them credit for. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just got an e-mail from Barbara. She and Ellen got married.
I just can't belive that anything that feels this good
is wrong. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Life.
Liberty. And the pursuit of happiness. Separation of
church and state. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
CNN they're showing film of Kerry at war. Let's hope
he is the <a href="http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/fall01%5CKahl/thedocumentary.html">winter
soldier</a> he once was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(841)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_841"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 2:41
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/powazek.9904803?zoom=yes&refby=powazek"><img src="just married.jpg" width="240" height="240" border="0"></a></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://dontamend.com/">Marriage
is a human right. Not a Heterosexual privilege.</a>
(Via<a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/"> Cleis)</a></span></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><a id="e541" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e541"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e541"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.npr.org/display_pages/features/feature_1688881.html">Chip
Monck is 64.</a> I don't know why that bit of news struck
me this morning. I wasn't at Woodstock. Mom kept me
on a tight leash those days. I was grounded for most
of my junior and senior year of high school. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not that she didn't have reason. She still doesn't know
the worst of what I was up to. She doesn't know how
often I took acid and hitchhiked into Georgetown during
the hours I was supposed to be at school. I used to
like to take acid and go to the Woodstock, the movie.
And there was Chip Monck warning everyone about
the bad acid. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now he's 64. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not like I'm awash in remorse about how old I am. I
actually like how old I am. I was just surprised. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do understand the fear that she had every time I walked
out the door. I have a lump in my throat for a week
every time Renee goes back to college. But I trust her.
I trust her life. I wish I could put my self between her and any harm
but I know that sometimes the things that harm us are
the things from which comes great realization, compassion
and art. I some times wonder why we need so much realization, compassion
and art.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No.
No. Kidding. I'm kidding. Realization, compassion and
art are good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
guy who does the Socrates Cafe <a href="http://www.npr.org/display_pages/features/feature_1688260.html">was
on NPR</a> this morning. Talking about the importance
of talking about it all. I'd like to wander around the
country talking about it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Thursday
was the day of remembrance for <a href="http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/aasc/ex9066/">executive
order 9066</a>. I didn't hear anything about it on the
news. Of course too much discussion about how the US
puts people in concentration camps might evoke a discussion
abut <a href="http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/0116-02.htm">Guantanamo</a>.
I read <a href="http://www.kuidaosumi.com/Updates/jenjournal.html">Jenni</a>
yesterday and was reminded to remember. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember when we heard that they were making concentration
camps for political radicals in the sixties. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Chip
Monck is 64. Jeez. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
a long strange trip <strike>it's been</strike> it is.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(842)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_842"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:09
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e542" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e542"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e542"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I watched <a href="http://www.miramax.com/ararat/">Ararat</a>
last night. It is a complicated,
beautiful and difficult movie.
There are complex individual narratives drawn inside
a larger cultural and historic narrative. It's done
in circles. Stories lines are woven together. There's
so much about what we choose to remember and what we
choose to forget, about who tells the truth and who
believes it. It's a haunting movie. I keep thinking
about it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
<a href="http://www.votenader.com/">Nader is going to
run.</a> I watched him on Meet the Press. He was, as
always, articulate and on point. I get kinda punchy
when people talk about Nader as a spoiler. This is a
man who has a record of public service that few people
will ever even aspire toward. If the Supreme Court hadn't
selected our current president we might be talking about
how exciting his run was. Instead we dump our anger
and frustration on him. He is not the reason Gore lost
the election. Gore didn't lose the election. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listen to all the praise Howard Dean gets for raising
money in a grass roots effort and for mobilizing the progressive
community and the youth vote and the disenfranchised
voter. And I get pissed off. Nader did all that four
years ago. And for his effort, he gets labeled a spoiler.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Nader
says that we should vote our hopes, not our fears. And
I think he's right. I remember how it felt to vote for
Nader. It was the first time in my life I felt like
I was voting for the person I really wanted. I was terrified.
But it felt so important. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I'm too scared. I think Nader is brave. He's launching
a hopeless campaign. In the process he will articulate
a vision of what we could be as a nation. He will speak
out about what we are. He will be informed and genuine.
And people who agree with most of what he says won't
even be listening. They'll be blaming him for something
that he didn't do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
be listening. But I won't be voting for him. I'm sure
I'll hear a lot of criticism of him and it will make
me sad. I'm still hoping I can vote for Dennis in the
primary. I think he will stay the course. I imagine
I'll be voting for Kerry. I've already succumbed to
the fear. I can't bear the thought of four more years
of horror and mediocrity. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
Nader reminds us about how far away from our ideals
we are. People want him to shut up and go away. Why?
Is there anything he's saying that isn't backed up with
reason and clarity? He's so far away from what we have
in the oval office he barely seems real. And I will
wander into the middle of the field. Fear and dread
in my heart. Hoping for a different kind of mediocrity.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
I watched the movie I felt many things at once. Even
in the stories of genocide and betrayal there are moments.
Hearts open when you least expect them to. People do
come through for each other in surprising ways. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(843)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_843"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:12
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e543" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e543"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e543"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My blogger code is </span></font><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:11pt;">B8 d t++ k+ s- u f i- o++ x
e+ l c. I'm not entirely sure what that means but was at <a href="http://www.anitabora.com/blog/">Anita's</a>
and I saw hers and, well. I
do try to keep up with all the
cool new things. I do know if
you go <a href="http://travis.kroh.net/archives/blogger_decoder.html">here</a>
and put my code in the little
box there will
be a not entirely but somewhat
accurate description
of my blog. </span></FONT></p>
<p align="justify"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also signed up on <a href="http://blogarama.com/index.php">Blogorama</a>
and the <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php">Ecosystem</a>
(where it turns out I am an
insignificant microbe) ( gotta
love that) <a href="http://www.technorati.com/">Technorati</a>
and <a href="http://www.bloghop.com/index.htm?numblogs=21906&cacheid=1077513177.9712">Bloghop</a>. Why?
I don't know. </span></FONT></p>
<p align="justify"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except
I was having coffee with Sarah. I told her how hard
it's been for me to write lately. I reread my posts
and they seem fragmented. Which isn't surprising because
I am fragmented. But the blog keeps me hanging on. Every
post is me sorting through myself and writing and it
all. Maybe that's always true. But these days it feels
like flailing. And clinging. And I guess that's just
how it is. </span></FONT></p>
<p align="justify"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why,
oh why, given that I feel like my blogging is so kooky
would I sign up for a bunch of new things that may,
or may not bring me more readers. I just really don't
know. It's Sunday night. I'm just sitting around. It
all seemed like a good idea at the time. </span></FONT></p>
<p align="justify"><FONT face="Lucida Sans,Courier"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></FONT></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(844)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_844"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:44
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e544" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e544"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e544"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Assault weapons. Drugs. Marriage.
Please join me for a chorus
of one of these things is not
like the other. But that was
the list that Arnold used on
Meet the Press to describe things
that mayors might decide to
license . </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is interesting. I went from
i<a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/ecosystem.php">nsignificant
microbe to slithering reptile</a>
over night, skipping seven evolutionary
levels. Wow. And I got one Love
it vote on <a href="http://www.bloghop.com/">Bloghop.</a>
Picture me doing a happy dance.
So now I signed up on <a href="http://portal.eatonweb.com/">Eaton</a>.
I must need reassurance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
You know. When you have no content. Add bells and whistles.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
blogged this <a href="http://www.bushyoga.com/">yoga
page.</a> I printed out the
<a href="http://www.bushyoga.com/152.htm">warrior
pose</a> to take to <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">class</a> today.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had two double cappuccinos yesterday
and was pretty much electric.
That doesn't always happen to
me with caffeine. I'm not sure
why it did. It was kinda fun.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
can't spell their. It is spelled correctly only because
I ran spell check. If you were standing here I'd say
I can't spell T H E I R and you would say, "But
Tish, you just did." But every single time type
it I type thier. Every time. What is that about? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(845)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_845"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:35
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e545" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e545"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e545"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It seems to me that I heard
it was going to rain. And I wasn't looking forward to
the bus ride to yoga. But it wasn't raining. It was
sunny and crisp. So I walked on down to the bus stop
feeling pretty good and happy to be dry. And then I
missed the bus by one minute. I swear. I was waving
and running and the guy just took off. Another bus came
fairly quickly but I was going to be a few minutes
late. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
the while I was really working on not being pissy. And
I was doing a pretty good job. It just didn't seem smart
to go to yoga all tense about missing the bus and hitting
every read light. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
worked out. Class hadn't begun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
THEN. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.somarts.org/">The
place where we take class</a> is right beside the free
way. There's always the low swoosh of moving traffic.
And occasional engine revving noise. And some pounding.
The usual urban stuff. But we focus on our breath. We
go inside of ourselves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
today there was some kind of hootenanny going on somewhere.
Banjos. Singing. Clapping hands. I have no idea where
or what but I'm just sayin. It was loud. One of the
women in the class went to see if she could find out
what was going on. She couldn't. A little while later
we heard an announcement coming over a loud speaker
asking for the owner of a white Toyota to move her car.
The owner of the white Toyota was in our class. She
went to move her car. A few minutes later someone poked
their head in to ask if any of us owned a white Toyota.
We all said in unison, "she's moving it."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
Still breathing and releasing and going in. But it's
feelin kinda hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
make a wise crack about guerrilla yoga. By which I mean
we're in this urban jungle fighting for our peace. It
was a joke. There's a woman who has some hearing loss
in our class and another woman was signing things for
her. She did the sign for gorilla. I don't know. Maybe
they're the same sign. But I was in a room full of fat
women and the sign made me wonder if I was being misunderstood.
It was all I could do to not stop the class and explain
what I meant. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Breathing.
Releasing. Going in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
really wasn't that bad. It was all kinda funny. The
yoga felt good. I left and walked to the bus stop. Came
home. Ate a tuna fish sandwich. Feeling very good about
how well I was dealing with all the little problems.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Rain
might not have been that bad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(846)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_846"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:06
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e546" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e546"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e546"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's <a href="http://www.coolquiz.com/trivia/explain/docs/fat_tuesday.asp">Fat
Tuesday</a>. Everybody got to have a little bit o fun.
Or a big lotta fun, better yet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't have a any great fun plans for the day. I might
go shopping with Deb. We might have lunch. That'll be
fun. It is going to be rainy today. I might do laundry.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm not feeling bad about any of that. I had a party
or two or ten in my time.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I'll just put on some <a href="http://www.drjohn.org/">Dr.
John</a>, <a href="http://www.nevilles.com/">Neville
Brothers</a> and <a href="http://www.island.net/~blues/fess.html">Professor
Longhair </a>and dance around the living room. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(847)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_847"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:48
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e547" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e547"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e547"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Does anyone know why I'm having
so much trouble with some comment systems? I tried to
leave <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/">Elayne</a>
a comment and it didn't work. Haloscan is the one I
have the most trouble with. I have been able to leave
comments in the past. Could I have a virus or something
that is messing with my passwords?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(848)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_848"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:19
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e548" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e548"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e548"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Maria wrote <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000301.html#000301">a
post</a> about the possibility that the wind might wake
her up today. The wind and rain woke me up. More to
the point it kept me up. When I first heard the pounding
on my window I thought I'd just go back to sleep. But
it was so noisy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't made enough soup this year. And it's been perfect
soup weather. There's a soup I learned while working
at Miss Ruby's cafe in NYC the recipe for which I have
altered beyond recognition. For one thing, the chef
put ham hocks in almost every soup he made. I'm not
opposed to ham hocks. I just don't think about them.
The soup had red beans and kale. Today I'm going to
use Swiss chard and adzuki beans. I have a piece of
corn bread I bought yesterday, which will be perfect
with the soup. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am almost at the end of all three books that I am reading.
That's something I do. I keep beginning books and not
finishing them and beginning another. And then I stop
reading all of them and read magazines. Maybe I dread
the moment when the book ends. I might just dig
in and try to get through all of them today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/2004_02_01_archive.html#107763941920511360">Meg
blogged</a> the <a href="http://www.zefrank.com/scribbler/">Scribbler</a>,
which just sent me into fifteen minutes of playing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tonio
wrote <a href="http://savoradin.com/2004_02_01_archive.html#107751277232498777">a
post</a> the other day that I woulda commented on if
I coulda. (The 9:06 PM post.) I just wanted to say - yes
it does. Which I guess could make people worry about
both of us. But really. It's so true. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday,
just as <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Democracy
Now</a> was ending, Amy Goodman said something about
Putin firing his government, a notion so striking that
I wanted to know more. I turned on MSNBC, mostly because
it's the channel number I remember, and nothing. I went
to CNN. Nothing. Lot's of news about Martha. I finally
<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3486376.stm">got
the story</a> from the BBC. I found it so irritating.
we just do not get news in this country. We get a brain
numbing drone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jeez.
It is raining so hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/02/harbinger_of_sp.html">But
Marie has a harbinger of spring</a>.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(849)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_849"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:08
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e549" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e549"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e549"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The mighty <a href="http://www.gregshaw4dccc.com/">Greg
Shaw </a>is running for the
<a href="http://www.gregshaw4dccc.com/">DCCC.</a>
Vote early and often. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday,
right in the middle of the day, the really rainy day,
the sun burst through for a while. The apartment filled
with light. I actually stopped what I was doing and
looked around to see if it was really the sun. It got
dark and rainy again later. The theme for the week seems
to be that things aren't going to be as bad as you think
they will be. They probably will be a little funky.
And then they'll be OK again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
matter how often I learn that lesson, I seem to need
to learn it again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't finish my books but I did read a little more
of each of them. Which really makes me wonder if
I have some kind of completion issue. I talked on the
phone. A lot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
some reason I was thinking about those follow your bliss
stories. You know the ones in which a realization occurs
and action is taken and things are better. I never want
to write that story. It is true. Sometimes. But I just
feel like thins are cyclical. We figure it all out and
the we forget. And the we remember. And may we learn
a little more. But it's a cycle. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
began sunny but the light just went a little dark.
The possibilities are endless. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(850)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_850"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:21
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e550" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e550"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e550"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There's been an <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/discussions/archives/001167.php">interesting
and difficult conversation</a> going on BFB which sprang
from the <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/columnists/archives/001161.php">conversation
about NAAFA.</a>. It began with the question about how
to create a size acceptance organization and ended up
in several different places. One of which is around
whether or not you can be into size acceptance and still
diet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We're
all on a diet. Every day. The <a href="http://www.yourdictionary.com/ahd/d/d0213600.html">dictionary
definition</a> is very simple. Diet is what we eat and
drink. And sometimes we eat and drink for specific reasons.
Like how yesterday was a soup day. But the word diet,
much like the word fat, holds a lot of fear and blame
for many of us. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
been hard over at BFB because it's hard to read fat
people talking about not feeling like themselves at
a certain weight. I want to be respectful but there
is a part of me that wants to shout - well then who
are you? There is this identity divide around food that
is described in simplistic terms. Did you eat your veggies
today? Good! Did you eat ice cream? Bad. I think even
thin and average sized people have these thoughts. Morality
is drawn on ideas of consumption. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like to think that if all you want to eat is ice cream
then you might need calcium. But it's not really that
simple. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Laurie
wrote a <a href="http://www.cocokat.com/archives/000767.php">heart
rending pos</a>t about food addiction. I have a
hard time with idea of addiction but I understand the
feeling of addiction. The distinction for me is that
the idea of addiction becomes a way for people to self
define around the behavior. So smokers are smokers and
not a person having a cigarette. I could have a cigarette
right now and now become a smoker. But I could become
a smoker really easily. I love smoking. It would
be very easy for me to do it regularly again. You know.
Except for the money and the stomach aches and the heart
racing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Addiction
always seems like people have a way they comfort themselves
in the world that has itself become oppressive. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I bought some <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">Newman's
Ginger-O's</a>. Two gingery cookies with some ginger
cream filling. Very good. New to me. I sat the package
on the desk and ate cookies while I read something.
Always a bad idea. At some point I looked and realized
I'd eaten half the package. I had a stomach ache. I
hadn't even enjoyed them as well as I might have if
I'd eaten fewer of them but paid attention while I ate.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
that's the problem with being a head person. I can,
and do, ignore my body for long periods of time.
I can't tell you how many times I've been reading, or
writing, and had to run to the bathroom because I just
waited too long. The same thing that happened with the
cookies used to happen with cigarettes. I'd look in
the overflowing ashtray and wonder when I smoked those
smokes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day I ate two eggs in the morning and five wheat
thins in the evening. But it was the same thing. I was
just reading and writing and time went by and I didn't
eat and I didn't feel like eating. One of the reasons
yoga is good for me is that it locates me in my body.
I'm really trying to do it first thing, very day. But
sometimes my racing brain just won't let me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Addiction.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are also the demands of the body. The body out of balance
and ignored acts up. Demands attention. Get's sick.
Wants more sugar. Wants more salt. And there's no way
to HAVE a balanced body. The body is always changing.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That many
ginger cookies was a really bad idea. My stomach hurt
so I didn't eat dinner. I woke up the next day very
hungry and out of sorts. I had to work myself back from
the extreme. I had to eat mindfully and regain my balance.
I did OK.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have had the feeling of having to have something, food
or smoke, so much that I could think of nothing else.
It really is a miserable feeling. It doesn't happen
to me very often because there's no food I won't let
myself have if I really want it and, for me, that seems
to take the charge off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the fattest times of my life was when I was doing
cocaine and drinking in stead of eating. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.feministe.us/blog/">Ms
Lauren</a> is trying to quit smoking. So is <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan.</a>
<a href="http://divamaggie.com/archives/cat_life_as_a_nonsmoker.php">Maggie
</a> was quitting. I'm not sure if she did but
she sure was working on it pretty hard.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I read these things my most overwhelming feeling is
about how hard life can be sometimes. The most overwhelming
sentence in Laurie's post, for me, was - <i>I never
get what I want. I never get what I need.</i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Baby.
I know how that feels. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
dreariest realization I ever had was when I realized
that I was going to be overcome by that feeling from
time to time. <i>I never get what I want. I never get
what I need.</i> I was going to be over come by it and
I wasn't going to be able to fend it off or pull myself
out of it. I was going to have to go through the
fall into it. The deep darkness of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
sun has been coming out and going away all day. Light.
Dark. Light. Dark. I am softened by feelings of concern
and empathy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
there is a problematic dovetailing of ideas in my world.
Laurie mentions that weight isn't her issue. Not in
a big way. For her it's just the compulsion to eat.
It is an issue for some fat people. But not all fat
people. And I think when people are trying to work on
the discrimination associated with being fat the talk
about how much we eat and or exercise feels distracting.
It's not that the issues aren't real and compelling
but they aren't every fat person's issue. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I felt my heart open when I was reading Laurie and tighten
when I was reading some of the comments on BFB. I had
to sort through my reactions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just want to be able to hold it all and parse it and
feel some energy moving. I want people to not hurt themselves
and then hurt them selves about the hurt. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the sun is out. For now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(851)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_851"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 4:15
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Everything I have just written: I have lost sight of times without number.
Anxiety, boredom, depression: they overwhelm, they blot me out, I "forget."
<BR>Slavery of the soul is a kind of amnesia: you cannot hold onto what you
know; if you don't hold onto what you know you can't take in your own
experience; if you don't take in experience there is no change. Without change
the connection within oneself dies. As that is unbearable, life is an
endlessness of 'remembering' what I already know. <BR>So where does that
leave me? In perpetual struggle. -- Vivian Gornick, from Approaching
Eye Level</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><a id="e551" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e551"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e551"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
We're going to have a <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/bookclub/archives/001175.php">BFB
book group</a>. I'm stoked.
And, just in case you're counting,
that makes four books I'm in
some stage of reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We're
gonna read <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0936077425/002-6737385-4856845?v=glance&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER&st=books">Big
Fat Lies</a>. <a href="http://curry.edschool.virginia.edu/kinesiology/exphys/gaesser.htm">Gaesser
</a>does such a great job of
explaining how the obesity epidemic
was constructed and why weight isn't a good measure
of health. One of the readers of BFB was wondering if
the numbers exist for a fat positive perspective. They
do. Many of them are in this book and none of them ever
make the nightly news. But right before I went to bed
I did get to hear that I might be <a href="http://www.kron.com/Global/story.asp?S=1672555&nav=5D7lL7r1">weighed
at the airport</a> in the future. And my first thought
was that I knew people who would be outraged by the
targeting of people of color because of our post 911
paranoia probably wouldn't even flinch when they heard
this news. My body is such a threat, after all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
read Big Fat Lies before. Last night as I began again
I felt some frustration. Gaesser writes somewhat antidotally
in the beginning and the stories are ones I've heard
again and again. People with no blood sugar or blood
pressure problems, who are exercising and eating their
veggies, are told to lose weight or risk illness. People
who have tried to lose weight and failed try again and
again and end up a little bit fatter each time.
He notes that we, as a general population, are fatter
because of sedentary lifestyles and junk food but he
adds a third thing. Dieting. And he tracks that historically
and through individual stories. If you spend time with
fat people you hear those stories again and again. And
still people are defending dieting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
yes. I obviously felt a need
for some color changes. The
other background felt too holiday for me.
These colors feel ...oh I don't know. Different. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(852)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_852"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:22
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e552" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e552"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e552"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It seems like I am spending
more time on the phone than I usually do. Alexandra
called this morning and then Renee. I had to call Renee
back but by the time I did she was listening to <a href="http://www.wcl.org/">West
Coast Live</a> because Rick and the <a href="http://www.pickpocketensemble.com/">Pickpocket
Ensemble</a> were on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I've been on the phone for a while I find it difficult
to slow down. My brain is in a rev and I either need
much more or nothing. I usually need to do something,
like the dishes, to get back to where ever it was I
was before the phone rang. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I wasn't particularly anywhere. I was listening
to the radio and wondering if I could get a whole post
out of the fact that I am deeply dismayed by the fact
that I know anything at all about the Hilton sisters.
I decided I couldn't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a piece of writing I've been trying to get started.
It's about the boxes of things I keep getting from my
Mom as she cleans out her house. Ken sends me dental
floss and tooth brushes. It's been years since I needed
to buy any dental care products. The box that's winging
it's way to me right now is filled with phone cord.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
M & K were here the electricity went out. Every
night when I left them in the hotel I called a few minutes
later from my apartment. Just to reassure Mom that I
got home. But when the electricity was out I couldn't
call. I need a phone that isn't hooked into anything
that requires electricity but I never remember to buy
one. A month or so later Mom was calling me on a Friday
night and the electricity went out again. She couldn't
get through and was worried. I was sitting here in the
dark. So she decided to send me a phone that she has
there.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
phone is actually my first phone. The phone I had in
my room as a teenager. It's just amazing to me that
she still has it. It's yellow. It has a circular dial.
But, as it turns out, it has no ringer. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
pretty sure the cost of mailing the phone will be more
than the cost of buying one but Mom and Ken were determined
to do it. And Ken decided I needed phone cord. I don't.
But he's got his mind made up. Once they figured out
that the phone had no ringer it did seem silly to mail
it. But they already had all the cord. So I'm getting
a box full. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
get boxes with poems I wrote when I was a kid, my grandmother's
handkerchiefs, name tags, the kind of name tags that
you sew in your underwear when you go to camp, bags
of licorice, free gifts from the Hallmark store. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
be getting a box from my Aunt June. She's cleaning out
the family home and I'm getting some things. I'm not
sure what. Some pictures of family members, maybe a
quilt or two. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like something that will make a good piece of
writing. But I haven't found the thread. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
almost 1:00 and I haven't had a shower yet. Just
phone chatting and writing about what I'm not writing.
Some blog reading. Some scrambled egg and salsa eating.
I might make some coffee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(853)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_853"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:49
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e553" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e553"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e553"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
And so I did take a shower,
do some yoga, finished a book, made a cup of coffee,
put some cheese and avocado on some <a href="http://www.dr-karg.com/">Dr.
Krackers</a> (isn't that the most problematic name?)
and read a few more blogs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went over to <a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">M's</a>.
She is dealing with anger. And it seems to me that
she has quite a list of reasons to be angry. She linked
to <a href="http://www.heartatwork.blogspot.com/">a
blog</a> that I'd seen one other time. I decided to
look at the <a href="http://www.heartatwork.blogspot.com/2003_08_01_heartatwork_archive.html#106157382198621500">first
post</a>. I was so touched by the reverence in the post.
It seemed like a such a dear way to enter this
crazy quilt blogging world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
pretty relaxed about the anger I feel. I don't doubt
it too often. I don't like long standing anger much.
There are some kinds of anger that stew into a thing
more rightly called resentment. I have lots of that.
Don't like it. But what are ya gonna do? Feel what you
feel until the feeling changes. Which it usually does.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I went to <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru's</a>.
Dru was doing some <a href="http://randomwalks.com/drublood/archives/018875.html">mighty
battle</a> with a fat hating blogger. I won't be linking
there. It's easy enough to jump there from Dru's if
you're interested. But I warn you, this person's idea
of an interesting conversation is one in which you affirm
his hatred. Dru linked him to a <a href="http://www.hhpr.org/currentissue/gaesser.php">bit
from Gaesser</a>, which I doubt he took the time to
read.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love it when Dru goes on a tear. She's smart and fierce
and righteous. And sometimes anger is just the thing
to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
book I finished was <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/Book/BookFrame/0,1007,,00.html?id=0399150838"><i>So
Many Books So Little Time</i></a><i>. </i>I liked a
lot of the book. It wore a little thin toward the end.
I wrote about it <a href="http://allconsuming.net/weblog.cgi?url=http://www.fatshadow.com/&view=#0399150838">on
All Consuming</a>. I've been trying to get myself to
write about the books I'm reading. For some reason this
one got me goin. Oh it's a wild Saturday in my world.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(854)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_854"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 5:42
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><a id="e554" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e554"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">February</font></a><a id="e554"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I haven't known how to write
about <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/29/international/americas/29WIRE-HAIT.html?hp">Haiti</a>.
Not saying anything feels wrong. There is an interesting
<a href="http://bodyandsoul.typepad.com/blog/2004/02/more_on_haiti.html">discussion
on Body and Soul</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
forgot that there had been a movie made about <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=287069&srchTrk=10110000037000d000c0000.287069.16598&mqso=60177680&OVRAW=bastard%20out%20of%20carolina&OVKEY=bastard%20carolina&OVMTC=standard">Bastard
Out Of Carolina</a>. It was on <a href="http://www.lifetimetv.com/">Lifetime</a>
last night. I'd forgotten what a devastating book it
was. I pulled it off the shelf to check some things
with the movie. And then I had a hard time sleeping
last night. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a dream about being in a court room, or some kind
of public policy room like the board of supervisors.
I was there to protest something with a group of people.
And there were big animals there standing next to us.
A water buffalo. An elephant. Big animals. And we were
standing in a row of chairs so it was hard for them
and a little scary to stand next to them. But they were
just standing there with dignity and grace. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
may have been dream in response to fruckus Dru linked
to, or things on BFB. In the dream I was very aware
of their skin. And that may have come from watching
<a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?trkid=90529&movieid=60027715">Whale
Rider</a> the other day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think there was something in the dream about power and
social structure and righteousness. And size. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
feeling a little bit haunted this morning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(855)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_855"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:26
AM</font></font></p>
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