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<td width="711"> <p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>December</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e921" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e921"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e921"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e721"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It's <a href="http://www.worldaidsday.org/default.asp">World
AIDs Day</a>. I was thinking
about it last night. I was
thinking about how long
it took before the medical
industry paid any serious
attention. And still there
is no cure. Just people
who are l<a href="http://www.crusaid.org.uk/whatwedo/hardship_fund.asp">iving
with AIDs</a>. I am happy
that people are living but
I can't help but notice
the cost of their treatment
and think about who profits.
Meanwhile I get spam and
watch commercials about
the pills men can take to
make sure <b>they</b> can enjoy
sex. What medical researcher
worked away on that problem
while <a href="http://www.stopglobalaids.org/facts/index.html">countries
were being decimated</a>?
Third world countries. <a href="http://www.feminist.org/calendar/cal_details.asp?idSchedule=3783">Women</a>.
<a href="http://www.keepachildalive.org/about_kca.php">Children.</a> There is something
about priority. Every year
there's a new pill to help
me lose weight but we can't
find a cure and get the
existing medical solution
distributed for people with
AIDs. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Sunday I watched <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/">the
show I love to hate.</a>
In this episode the family
has <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep_Burns/gallery.html?photo=42">a
young son who has bones
that break easily.</a> They
put cork floors though the
house so that, if he falls
he will land on softer ground.
They put hand rails though
the house. And they did
things for family members,
like make sure that <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep_Burns/gallery.html?photo=13">the
mom's spoon collection was
displayed.</a> It's one
big commercial for Sears
and yet, I cry. I cry when
the families come home and
they have a whole new world
and things are better and
more beautiful and new.
And yet, I can hear the
sound of a million anxious
others, writing to the show,
hoping to be one of the
lucky ones. One of the lucky
people with all new stuff.
I don't think there is anything
wrong with wanting to have
a beautiful home. I just
feel like we become drunk
with longing. Longing for
stuff. And in that drunken
stupor we stop thinking
about things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
yet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
really come out of the woodwork to make things good for
these people. Fire departments show up to fill pools.
Neighbor ladies bring dinner and work on sewing projects.
It's all so "family values." But it is moving.
I do cry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
do show up for each other. Problems are solved Things
do get better. People will work really hard for a common
good. It's the ideas about common good. It's the lack
of critical thinking. It's the lusting stupor in which
we live. That's the part that bugs me. Because we ought
to be asking more questions. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><br>I
too often think that humans are dog eat dog food bad.
All the metaphors that get to me are about people showing
up for one another. It doesn't add up easily. People
are good and bad. Good people are bad. Bad people are
good. Things go wrong. Things get better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like joy. I like abundance. I like too much of a good
thing. But I long for the feeling that everyone is at
the table. I long for a world in which there is no one
living with nothing while families who already own homes
and big screen TVs get made over homes with flat
screen TVs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are coming up on the twenty year anniversary of <a href="http://www.bhopal.net/">Bhopal</a>.
And still no justice for the people there. There's too
much wrong. I write in fragments. My thinking feels
fragmented. I struggle to hold a center but the <a href="http://www.mcabee.org/~lcm/lines/slouch.html">center
will not hold.</a> I cry when a woman sees her spoon
collection in a perfect row on a wall. It matters. But
it just isn't enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1221)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1221"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
think of you</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">when
I least expect to,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">when
you would least imagine me </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">thinking
of you, </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">when
I am watching a movie </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">about
a Cuban writer</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">and
I want to turn and watch you</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">watching
the same movie,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">when
I think I would recognize your smell</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">when
I want to ask if you would like some
coffee</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">and
you would want some</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">and
I would make us some.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
am conjuring you.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
am remembering a you that</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">never
existed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I
return to the film. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And
wonder. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Why
now? </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e922" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e922"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e922"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e722"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
My windows look onto another
building across a small
parking lot. Very small.
One row of cars. Six. Maybe
seven. The building is white
stucco. Sort of. I can see
into many of the windows
and I imagine they can see
into mine. Not that there
is anything goin on up in
here. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have seen one set of neighbors getting amorous. Nothing
too explicit and I looked a way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a fellow living in one place. He sat in an a recliner
illuminated by light from a television. I used to wish
I could paint him. Framed by the window in all that
blue light. The man who lives there now has his desk
in the window. He sits at a lap top. Maybe he is writing
a blog. Sometimes the laptop is there but he is not.
Sometimes they are both gone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
window is a bathroom. The glass is frosted so that only
light and shadow can be seen. There is the always present
shadow of something hanging in the window. Something
with a shape too odd. Perhaps a wash cloth, or a towel.
Or some hanging bag. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are, in fact, a million stories. And some of them, in
fact, are naked. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1222)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1222"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e923" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e923"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e923"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e723"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I caught about ten minutes
of <a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/crossfire/">Crossfire</a>
yesterday. I used to like to watch it but I got sick
of people talking over one another, so it's been awhile.
But I noticed that <a href="http://www.now.org/officers/pi.html">Patricia
Ireland</a> was on to debate Jerry Falwell about <a href="http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0412/02/cf.01.html">sex
education in schools</a>. More than once she said she
wasn't opposed to teaching abstinence in schools. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="318">
<tr>
<td width="312">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There's nothing wrong with wanting to teach abstinence in the schools.
It's wrong to teach abstinence only, just as it was wrong for the Bush
administration to take down accurate information from the government
Web sites that showed, for instance, that abortion is not tied to a
higher rate of breast cancer, that effective sex education programs
include not only abstinence, but also comprehensive...</span></font><br>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then Falwell said:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="327">
<tr>
<td width="321">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Well, let me shock you and tell you that I would not be opposed to
comprehensive sex education in the public schools at the proper age
level and the proper age presentation, if a value system is presented
alongside that. Anatomy, sexual activity, the process of reproduction,
that's all -- for me, that's fine. I have no problem with sex education
if we teach them that...
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
they were pretty much in agreement but they didn't seem
to notice and I suspect that there are details about
which they would argue. But they couldn't really get
to a detailed discussion because they kept stepping
on each other and <a href="http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/carville.james.html">James
Carville</a> and another woman (whose name I didn't
bother to learn) were also on the show. Now. I love
James. I do. I love his passion. I love his politics.
I love his accent. But he and the other woman were just
shooting insults at one another. So after about fifteen
minutes I turned it off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like spirited debate. Years ago I saw film of Germaine
Greer debate William Buckley debate at Cambridge.
It was smart and funny and dignified. They may have
stepped on each other from time to time. It's been awhile.
But I don't remember it being mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been thinking about my own reactions to the way people
talk to one another in public forums since <a href="http://www.sfbg.com/39/09/news_chris_daly.html">the
thing with Cris</a> because the debate was framed around
the idea of civility. And many of the details were ignored.
In the simplest way of describing the issue Cris shouldn't
have told a member of the public to fuck off in a meeting
at which he was sitting in a position of power. But
looking at the details things read very differently.
The guy was a lobbyist for landlords. People were being
(and have been) hostile to Cris in no uncertain
terms. The tone of the meeting should have been managed
better by Matt (as he said himself) and there was no
way it should have been brought to the floor as a reason
for censure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
days in SF you can really see the class war being fought
at City Hall. Yesterday there were hearings about <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=13954">health
and education</a>. In public testimony you always hear
the same thing. Business owners and property owners
say it's too hard in SF. Poor people say it's too hard.
And guess where my sympathies fall. And the real focus
needs to be on corporate greed, which it was yesterday
when <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/12/03/BAG9DA5AN537.DTL">Sutter
Health was being called to task for the lockout</a>
at a special meeting being called by (guess who?) Cris
Daly.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Supervisor
Sandoval (another of my favorites) proposed cutting
funds from the Convention and Visitors bureau and giving
them to the Tom Waddel public health clinic. Works for
me. He also proposed cutting funds from the arts. I'm
less thrilled with that. And did Daly's public scolding
have any impact on his style? <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/12/03/BAGINA5ALP25.DTL">Not
so much.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to like words civility. I even liked the word moral.
And value. I have values which I consider moral. I think
people should have roofs over their heads and jobs and
food and health care and education and access. I think
some base line needs to exist. I don't care if people
make money but at what cost and to whom? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
yes. I think sex education should be taught in schools.
I'm not sure about teaching abstinence. I mean. Some
of us learn about abstinence in the halls of rejection.
I think it might be cool to have lots of classroom conversation
about what it all means and why we feel what we feel
and do what we do. I think we could think and talk about
it all. Thinking and talking are good. And let's make
sure people know how to be safe. And also know where
babies come from. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
time after my Crossfire turn off I got an e-mail from
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
asking if I was watching <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200412/tows_past_20041202.jhtml">Oprah</a>
so I turned it on mid way through. She was showing a
bit of <a href="http://truevisiontv.com/dying.html">The
Dying Rooms</a>. Yes. We should know where babies come
from. And we should know what happens to them. And the
use of the words moral and value should be expansive.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
things have always been this tense. Or maybe there are
just moments when the tension feels more acute. And
maybe public discourse becomes more hostile in those
times. Sometimes I can handle it. And sometimes I can
not. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1223)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1223"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e924" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e924"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e924"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:11
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e724"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
There must be a Sci-Fi story
somewhere about a person who plays a computer game so
much that they get sucked into the game and become part
of it. If there isn't there should be. And I should
write it. But I'm too busy <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">playing</a>.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
story telling in the <a href="http://thesims.ea.com/us/index.html?content=./home/map.html">first
game</a> was mostly contained in a specific house. You
went out of your house to make friends but that was
it. In the new game it's really about the whole town.
People grow old and die. Their ghosts haunt the houses
in which they lived. Kids that make friends in school
fall in love as teens, marry as adults and have kids.
I have read other players talk about how many generations
they have played. I can't imagine how much they have
to play to get to where they are. I have a fifth generation
family but only because three levels of that family
were already in the game. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there are the problems of continuity. These two
sisters were once the same age.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="219">
<tr>
<td width="213">
<p><img src="S21.jpg" width="216" height="162" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
one of them moved out with her dad when he moved in
with another woman. (Oh, it's all very Peyton Place.)
So she grew up a little faster and is now married and
has just given birth to twins.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="209">
<tr>
<td width="203">
<p><img src="S22.jpg" width="216" height="162" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Both
parents were at the wedding. That's them with the white
hair. The sister is there as well and the groom's parents
are the other two. And the groom's brother was
there. Kissing on her sister. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="218">
<tr>
<td width="212">
<p><img src="S24.jpg" width="216" height="162" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">His
brother and her sister are married now. This is the
happy couple back when they were still teens. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="218">
<tr>
<td width="212">
<p><img src="S25.jpg" width="216" height="162" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
doing a terrible job of telling this story. I'm sure
these are the issues of long fiction writing. How do
you handle time? I also think I need to take closer
pictures. I don't care so much about siblings aging
in disjointed time lines but I have kids who are about
to become elders before their parents do. I wake up
thinking about these stories. What house do I play
first? How do I keep everyone in sequence? Hours
go by. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am not a fiction writer. I have no desire to be one.
And right now I'm not even sure I could. Ai Yi Yi. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a baby boom in my little community. The first wave of
teens have had kids and that wave of teens have become
adults and are having kids. But see the other couple
in the picture of the teens making out? The boy had
a crush on a girl but I didn't notice. She's long grown
and married to someone else and close to being an elder.
He's in a long suspended teen hood waiting for the girl
he's kissing to grow up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Time.
What a concept. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1224)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1224"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e925" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e925"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e925"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e725"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Larry Bensky did a <a href="http://sundaysalon.org/">two
hour show</a> yesterday from Ohio about the struggle
to get the votes recounted. It was interesting. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
readily accept the idea that voter fraud in Ohio may
have cost Kerry the election but I think that's about
me self comforting in the aftermath. I appreciate the
efforts of the <a href="http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/1205-09.htm">people
doing the work</a> but it is hard to imagine that anything
will come from it. Kerry's campaign <a href="http://www.verifiedvoting.org/article.php?id=5395">joined
the effort</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
most I've heard about this on the mainstream media is
that Kerry got more votes than originally projected.
It was tossed off as an interesting factoid and nothing
to think too much about and done in the same news cast
in which we talk about making it possible for Democratic
elections to be held in Iraq. It's all very through
the looking glass. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
funny to listen to that kind of news while playing a
god game in which all my effort is focused on getting
teenagers to fall in love so that they can marry and
start making babies. And then listening to <a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segid=5142&schedID=314">Tom
Wolfe</a>, <a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segid=5276&schedID=314">Barack
Obama</a> and then <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/12/02/60minutes/main658799.shtml">Bobby</a>.
Actually, I stopped playing to watch Bobby. I love him
so. But I got the other teens in the picture launched
into adult life and now I think I might not play for
awhile. I am actually a bit tired of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Life
feels very fragmented. I feel fragmented. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep thinking about a comment from <a href="http://www.butuki.com/">Butuki</a>,
which I can't figure out how to link so I'll quote.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="352">
<tr>
<td width="346">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">It's so weird. Ask any elementary school kid here in Japan where babies
come from and how they are made and they will look at you funny, like
"How can you not know where they come from?" No one thinks twice about
talking about the realities of sex, though when it comes to romantic
relationships people here seem to take a long time to mature (for
better or worse...). I keep trying to wrap my mind around the
differences between how Americans see things, and how Japanese see
things... what Americans might consider prudish the Japanese might
consider restrained behavior. What the Japanese might consider prudish,
the Americans might consider immoral (for instance most families in
Japan take baths together until the children are about 13. Parents sit
naked with their children, in what is called "skinship"... a form of
bonding communicated through physical touching with the naked skin... I
wonder how many courts in the States would have the parents put away
for child molestation if that was done in the States?). Having lived in
both worlds, I'm not so sure any more about what is right and wrong any
more about a lot of things.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first read it I thought skinship sounded so sane in
terms of how people relate to their bodies. I still
do but I'm not sure that I think it adds up to more
sanity as life goes on. What does lead to more sanity
as life goes on? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
always thinking about the way we read our lives in terms
of value and how we read other people's lives in terms
of value. This time of year is fraught with that narrative.
I watched <a href="http://abc.go.com/movies/fivepeople.html">The
First Five People</a> last night because Mom wanted
me to watch it and I know there will be a quiz when
she calls. I kept thinking it was <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0038650/">It's
a Wonderful Life</a> with a few changes in scene, and
character. I didn't like it or not like it in any great
way. My sentiments are easy to manipulate. I cry over
all meaning making. But I kept thinking about why we
have this narrative at this time of year. Why is it
so hard to believe that every life matters? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tom
Wolfe said something charmingly self deprecating about
his white suit. He said (and I'm paraphrasing) people
thought the suit was such a sign of an interesting personality
that he barely had to have one. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. This is how my mind works. I'm thinking about
the irony of fighting for Democracy every where except
Ohio. I'm thinking about how we develop a sense of our
bodies and how that impacts our sexuality. I'm thinking
about what makes a life valuable. And I'm thinking about
the next three teenage couple I need to get out into
a simulated town. And I'm eating oatmeal with dried
mango and orange blossom honey, a blueberry muffin and,
yes, three strips of bacon. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is a wonderful life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1225)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1225"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e926" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e926"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e926"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:03
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e726"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I threw away some leeks and
mushrooms yesterday. I get so mad at myself when I let
food go bad. I knew they were on the way out and I was
going to cook them together and put them on some mushroom
pasta. It seemed like a great meal for these cold, rainy
days. But I didn't. I don't even remember why. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the restaurant industry you throw away food all the
time. You can't serve things that aren't REALLY good.
But it often means you ordered too much or prepared
to much. So it means failure. Even without that experience
I hate the waste. Especially when I could have done
something and didn't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am pretty frustrated with myself these days. Sometimes
I listen to the inner chat and know that if anyone else
said those things to be I'd be pushing back in a big
way. I'm sort of chasing my own tail. A lot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
issue of <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/Jan05.html">Yoga4Everybody</a>
with my article is out and this one has pictures of
actual fat women. I'm in the back so you can't see me
as well as some of the others, which is in part because
I'm tall and felt like should stand behind people. And
I got a little shy. This piece is full of quotes from
my fellow yoginis many of which can be read on <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">Sally's
site.</a> That's what the magazine wanted. I don't love
it as much as I love the other one but it's OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Why
does nothing ever seem quite good enough? It was thrilling
to read that my other article was being read in Paris.
(Thank you Fran�ois!)
For about fifty seconds I felt proud. And then I began
the rest of the day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not one for easy metaphors. I know that I have to keep
a sense of proportion and balance. I know that the good
lives in one hand and the bad in the other. And I have
both hands to look at, consider, accept, reject, wash
away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
it's the thick gray of the day. Mercury in retrograde.
My own funny way of being in the world. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1226)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1226"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e927" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e927"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e927"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:12
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e727"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I watched <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html">Westwing</a>
as I am wont to do. I pretend it's the news. I pretend
it's the real Westwing. In truth the Bartlett administration
has been as disappointing as the Clinton administration
was. And yet. Disappointment isn't as bad as what I
feel now. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
the show was over I should have just turned off the
tube. I knew there wasn't anything on. But I came across
<a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/wifeswap/">this
show.</a> I've been sucked into this show a few
times now. It's just fascinating. I saw one in which
a wife who was Cajun and who raised alligators for the
meat swapped with a vegan woman. Oh the drama!
The vegan woman came off as controlling, judgemental
and self involved. And lacking conviction. Her big swing
out was to taste alligator. It wasn't hard to understand
that she would not want to eat meat. But she was so
sanctimonious. And the Cajun woman was trying make veggie
gumbo, which no one liked. But she was so sweet. She
tried so hard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night was a rock-n-roll pierced and tattoed mom and
a bible totin strict mom. It was just amazing. The show
demonstrates how entrenched people can be in their
own sense of self and how small shift of perception
can make so much difference in how they participate
with their families. I saw one in which the husband
was in tears when he realized how hard his wife worked.
They do an after the show thing in which they go back
to see if anything has changed. I've only seen a few
times but it does seem like things change a little bit
in some cases. Husbands help with the household. Mothers
and daughters form better communication. Stuff like
that. But some people stay in their groove. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the reasons I moved around so much was because I
wanted to see if the person I thought I was the same
everywhere. Maybe I wondered because I spent summers
with my dad's family in Missouri and winters with my
mom's family in Pennsylvania. There were always ideas
about "how we do thing here". Things
about my accent and my attitude and my clothes. So if
all those things change, who am I? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a section in <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Conversation_on_the_Difficult_World.htm">a
piece I wrote</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="407">
<tr>
<td width="401"><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">When I cannot endure the self I
have created, I move. I look to geography for salvation. I adopt a culture.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For a while I wore hip hugging blue
jeans and tye-dyed t-shirts, work boots and never a bra or underwear. For a
while I wore Levies and Tony Llamas and embroidered cowboy shirts. And
sometimes a Stenson. I wore long drawstring calico skirts and Birkenstocks and
had my head shaved by a holy man on a riverbank. I wore black pants and black
shirts and black boots and black socks and black underwear and a black bra and
I never went above Fourteenth Street. </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">But the pressure would build and
I�d go somewhere else and change my uniform. </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I thought: maybe the mountains and
so I went there and I stood at my window and marveled at how many stars were
visible. I walked over rocks. My skin got dry. My lungs pulled at the oxygen
thin air. </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I thought: maybe the city. And I
walked faster and faster through the crowds because I learned where I was going
and exactly how to get there and the fastest way to get there. And I looked at
the full moon night and stopped walking. I stood just a few feet away from the
row of cardboard houses against the black metal fence and I was there but I
wasn�t making it.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I thought: maybe the bay. </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This is where you think you know me
now. </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">But no geography has closed around
me. All uniforms begin to itch. My body is still the same.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I think: maybe a small town in the
middle.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Or the smaller city I rejected.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height: 100%; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:9pt;" times="" new="" roman="" ;mso-ansi-language:en-us;mso-fareast-language:en-us="" mso-bidi-language:ar-sa=""><font face="Lucida Sans">Or nearer to my mother. She�s older now.</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I signed on to be in show where I had to have a different
spouse I would expect some new experiences. It is amazing
how dug in people can be and more amazing how extreme
we are in our differences. If you put me in Pro Bush
military household I would have a head ache every day
but it wouldn't bother me to wear khakis. Or what ever.
And I would be respectful (or try to be) in my conversations.
And. I would be happy when I got to go home. So
maybe I'm a little entrenched myself. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is the kind of thing that puts my head into deep spin.
I've met lots of people with lots of ways of being in
the world. There is a way in which it comes down to
style and not substance. But there is also a deeper
meaning structure. One in which we are driven by the
same needs. And I like that we express those drives
in different ways. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Only
connect. Sounds so simple. So true. And yet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1227)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1227"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Impunity--the perception of being outside the law--has long been the
hallmark of the Bush regime. What is alarming is that it appears to
have deepened since the election, ushering in what can best be
described as an orgy of impunity. In Iraq, US forces and their Iraqi
surrogates are assaulting civilian targets and openly attacking
doctors, clerics and journalists who have dared to count the bodies. At
home, impunity has been made official policy with Bush's nomination of
Alberto Gonzales--the man who personally advised the President in his
infamous "torture memo" that the Geneva Conventions are "obsolete"--as
Attorney General.
- <a href="http://www.thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20041213&s=klein">Naomi Klein</a>
(Because <a href="http://pagecount.burningbird.net/blog.html">Mike</a>
says no blog is complete without it.
)( And, ya know, because it's really
smart and right on.) </span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e928" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e928"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e928"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:17
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e728"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
On Wednesday the fire alarm
outside my back door began to beep and continued to
beep all day. I was trying to get it together to call
the guy who works on things around the building when
one of my neighbors called and said she was calling
him. A few hours later she called to say that maybe
I should call to put pressure on him. Apparently she
used his home phone and I have his cell number. So he
didn't know there was a problem and it was a bit late
in the day. He was just a wee bit pissy about having
to come and deal with it. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am a little too good at being able to tune out. Part
of me knew that the constant beeping was bothering me
but I just tuned out. And then when he was pissy I got
really mad. Not out loud. I just walked around my apartment
talking to myself for awhile. Well. Actually. I was
talking to him. But in my head. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
makes me laugh. The amount of drama that I can call
up with something like this. Sheesh. I was yelling at
him (in my head) and yelling at myself for not calling
and letting the neighbor do it and yelling at them both
for not having the right number and yadda yadda yadda.
It was just obnoxious. And maybe having listened to
this shrill, rhythmic beep for eight hours put me in
a mood. But then I had to listen to all that inner
fussing. Much harder to tune out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning, at about six, it went off again. Then it stopped.
Then it went off again around seven and kept going for
about twenty minutes. I usually wake up between 6:30
and 7:00 so it wasn't a big deal but I have already
called him and he is on his way. I learn my lessons.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1228)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1228"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e929" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e929"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e929"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:37
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e729"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I had to walk up to the post
office to pick up a package (thank you Karen). It was
a nice day and I was glad to have a reason to go out
in it. I decided that I would have a coffee while I
was up there. When I first walked in the place was almost
empty. I made a joke about it to the girl behind the
counter. I sat down with my double cap and a brownie
and a book. Perfect.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
owner of this place came in with a couple of guys and
his father. I know him because I used to buy coffee
from him for the big tourist restaurant I managed. He's
a North Beach native. Well know. Nice enough. Always
says hi when he sees me. The guys looked like salesmen.
During my time managing the restaurant I met with so
many of them. I recognize the vibe. They were all laughing
and joking. Loudly. I smiled and went back to my book.
But the conversation pushed into my concentration. One
of the guys was saying something about having offered
to give a woman an examination for breast cancer and
they all laughed.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
worked in restaurants and having been in a rock-n-roll
band I have heard some crude humor from the mouths of
men. I have a pretty transparent face and if I am annoyed
it shows. But in a work environment I have not always
been as confrontational as I might have been. Not out
loud anyway. So there's a kind of filter that I have
through which comments like that pass. And this guy
wasn't saying it to me, he was saying it near me. Loudly.
One of the guys said, 'You're bad" to him but there
was lots of laughter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
letters on the page in front of me began to swim. I
thought about my two aunts who both died of cancer.
Both having breasts removed. One having her uterus removed.
Just body parts. Body parts that are labeled with meaning.
I thought about a time when one of them made a joke
about it being no big deal to lose her breasts because no
one was enjoying them anyway. I was young and I wondered
who it was that should be enjoying them. Was it her?
Was it some unnamed man? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
woman walked up to the guys in the coffee shop and one
of them complimented her coat and ran his hand down
her arm. There was nothing licentious in his manner
but the guy with the jokes said something about it being
a way to cop a feel. He went on and on about it. And
then one of the men pulled out an ultrasound of "his
son" and there were jokes about paternity tests.
It wasn't clear whether the man should want to have
the test prove his fatherhood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
man making the jokes was older. There was also some
conversation about social security so maybe he was in
his sixties. He was nice looking. It seemed to me that
he was trying to make sure that everyone knew, that
no matter what his age, he still had desire. He
may have been this way his life. Joking his way to a
projected virility. I don't have a problem with
him wanting to touch women. It's good and alive and
wonderful to want to touch. I just wish he could communicate
that desire in a way that didn't sound like hate speech.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
they all laughed. Because boys will be boys. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I could write anything that would make men like that
guy understand how stuff like that feels to many women
I would spend all my time writing it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I was listening to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/arts/zander.html">Benjamin
Zander on Now</a>. He talked about something his father
wrote in 1948 about how the Jewish people building a
homeland in Jerusalem should never forget the sacrifice
they were asking of the people who were already living
there. And in that simple act of acknowledgement possibility
opens. It's such a powerful idea, the idea that if we
really remember the experience of the other we can mediate
some of the difficulty of the times when we are at cross
purposes. I don't think remembering is enough. I think
people need to make amends. But remembering the person,
thinking about how it feels for them, is the only way
we can make meaningful amends. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
too east to just write the guy in the coffee shop off
as an asshole. Not that I didn't have that thought.
I did. But I keep thinking about the smiles on the faces
of the other men. The pleasure they were taking in each
others company. The way I never want to squelch the
expression of desire. The way it feels to have breast
cancer made into a punch line. A punch line. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is hurt in the world There always will be. We are at
cross purposes too often. We need to voice our own desire
with no thought. No thought at all. And maybe we can
have a time when we look at one another and talk about
how it all felt. Maybe it's just a hope that I harbor.
If you knew how it felt it would change the way you
speak and act and it would give you the language you
need to say I'm sorry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1229)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1229"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e930" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e930"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e930"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e730"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I keep talking about my fascination
with the story telling nature in the <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/index.php">Sims</a>.
Here's an example. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
game came with a few towns and a few pre made families
with pre written stories, one of which was Brandi Broke.
When you enter Brandi's house for the first time you
see that she has a teenage boy, a toddler and she is
pregnant. Her husband has died in a mysterious pool
accident. (If you play the Sims you know that the way
to kill people is to tell them to go swimming and then
get rid of the stairs so that they have no way to get
out. Why would you want to kill someone? To get a ghost,
of course.) If you look at Brandi's relationships you
see that she is in love with a townie. I could have
had her marry him. But I didn't like him. I don't know
why because later I did bring him into the game and
I really like him but then I didn't like him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
Brandi met and fell in love with another pre made character,
Nina and Nina moved in. Nina has romantic aspirations.
Which means that she wants to have woohoo (Sims speak
for the horizontal mambo) with as many people as possible.
Brandi has family aspirations, which means she wants
to be in one relationship and have as many babies as
possible. I was learning how to play this new game so
I didn't get it all right a way. When I did realize
they were at cross purposes I had Nina move out and
I made the perfect guy for Brandi. I made the nicest,
sweetest guy, also on the family track and brought him
into the game. I don't even remember how they met but
they met pretty quickly, fell in love, got married and
started making babies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">AND
THEN. One day when Brandi was pregnant, she died for
no apparent reason. Well. She didn't die because I didn't
save the game. But when I tried to play with her she
would die. Nothing I did changed that. So I went to
a friend of her's house and had the friend call and
invite her to move in. And she did. AND. She fell in
love with her friend right on the spot. I guess that's
how family aspiration track people are. The friend was
also on a romance track and was happy to have someone
to new to have an affair with but was never gonna want
to get married. Or joined. Same sex couples in the game
get joined. But now what was I gonna do? Her family
was going to come home and there would be no Brandi.
Should they have her move back in? Well. That's
what I did do and it seemed like it worked out. She
had her baby and then got pregnant again. She has seven
kids all together and she's a few days away from being
an elder. Her husband will be an elder a few days before
she is. Her sons are married and have their own babies.
It's all so cute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
it turns out pregnant women dying for no apparent reason
happens. Whether it's a glitch in the game or something
Maxis thought was funny I can't say. But I saved her.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Her
kids have always been in public school. Private school
is easier on kids. But in my value system I want public
schools to be better so I haven't been that interested
in the whole private school thing. But the kids really
want to be in private school. How you get in is to invite
the head master over. He likes a home with expensive
stuff and he likes good food and he wants to be talked
to. If he gets in the hot tub you get extra points.
But since I already don't like the whole private school
thing I don't like him. I hate the invite the headmaster
part of the game. But I want Brandi's kids to have and
easier life so we make the call. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
likes the house better than I thought he would. Lot's
of points there. He likes dinner. Lots of points. Things
are looking good. And then he walks up to Brandi and
says something and disappears. Poof. He is gone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
go to the site and read that this has happened to other
people. Another glitch? Perhaps. But it was so Dickinsonian.
I mean here is this poor (she's so poor her last
name is Broke) single mother who has had this interesting
life, been rescued from death, worked her way to the
top of the culinary career (almost) and will soon be
an elder and it was like this guy was saying your kids
will never get into our school. It's probably a glitch.
We can invite him back. It might work out. But I'm just
saying. this game is amazing. I like to think I am the
one telling the story. I'm doing the clicking. But,
whether by default or design the game is telling it
with me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
is just so much like life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Brandi
will die eventually. Her husband will die before she
does and it will make her sad. I'm not sure how I'm
going to play that. One of her kids will stay in the
house and raise their own family. So they may comfort
her. Or maybe I'll have one of her lovers move in. We'll
see. And then she will be a ghost. A ghost who will
haunt the house. It's just so interesting to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have one picture of Bandi and her family at dinner.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="118">
<tr>
<td width="112">
<p><img src="Simsbrandi.jpg" width="114" height="96" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
cute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1230)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1230"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e931" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e931"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e931"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:29
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e731"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
It seems like a long time ago.
Jeanne had come to visit. We'd been out for dinner and
conversation. When we got back to the apartment we thought
we'd watch some TV. On every channel there was a car
chase in LA. That car chase was the beginning of a national
obsession with OJ but I was not interested. I turned
off the TV that night and ignored it all to the best
of my ability. It was everywhere so it was impossible
not to see something about it. But I had no opinion
about his guilt or innocence and I felt like the media
frenzy was not a good thing. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remained disinterested until the day the verdict was
announced. On that day I couldn't get away from the
TV. The news went from one place to another asking how
people felt. In some communities of color there was
jubilation. In battered women's shelters there was grief.
In sports bars there was mixed reaction and comments
about the cost of lawyers. For me, the meaning being
taken from the verdict was heart wrenching and instructional.
We see things through our own filters. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
comprises a jury of our peers? Is it possible to listen
to evidence with an open mind? How does a verdict impact
the body politic? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it was with the Scott Peterson trial. I just didn't
care. It's not that I didn't care about the loss of
the families. Maybe it isn't really that I didn't care
but rather that I felt the need to pull away from the
media pounding about the case. And, again, yesterday
was different. I was completely captured by the jurors
and the reaction of people to the verdict. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
jurors seemed so worn. They spoke about being changed.
They were clear, grounded, thoughtful and sad. And the
reactions of the general public were brain splitting.
People talked about being happy about him getting the
death penalty because they were pro life. Huh? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
have always been people who have an interest courts
and trials. I think court room proceedings should be
open for public scrutiny. But the observation of things
has an impact on them. And the media keeps us distracted
with hours of focus on things like this and gives us
little to no information on so many other things. While
I was listening to the jurors I got an e-mail with news
<a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/121404X.shtml">from
Chile.</a> No real mention of it on the news. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Any
death is a cause for sadness. The death of a mother
and an unborn child is a horror. But what is the political
meaning being made by hyper-concentration on this case?
How does the media use our humanity to form our politic?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
oppose the death penalty. Always. My opposition is based
in what I saw in the faces of those jurors. When we
as a culture ask people to sentence people to death
we need to think about how it's going to impact them.
And how does it impact the people who have to carry
out that decision? Of course this case will go through
such a lengthy and costly appeals process that Peterson
will probably die of old age. But the impact on the
jurors will be the same. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
did the job they had to do. I wish them peace. And I'm
sad that they had to even think about the death penalty.
I have no opinion about the guilt or innocence of this
man. I didn't pay attention to the details. And I would
never be in their position because I don't support the
death penalty. I wouldn't be chosen for the jury. So
my thoughts are for them. And the families. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1231)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1231"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e932" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e932"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e932"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e732"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
Kristina</a> and I often talk
about the impact of noise. Having lived in apartment
buildings in cities I can tune a lot out. Most of the
time. Sometimes the <a href="http://www.pier39restaurants.com/cam.htm">sea
lions</a> wake me up in the night. Sometimes neighbors
have parties. But I tune out trash collectors and school
bells and drunken party people stumbling trough dramas
out side my window. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I was woken by a loud thud and the engine sound
of what ever was dropping it. It sounded like it was
right out front. It sounded like metal being dropped.
In one big thud. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was about the time I woulda woke up anyhow. But I turned
over and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. I knew
I wouldn't be able to. I just lay there. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Seems
like such a metaphor for who I am right now. I might
want to wake up. I might not be able to sleep. But if
something else is making gonna make me wake up I'm gonna
fight it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just. So. How I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1232)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1232"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e933" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e933"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e933"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:56
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e733"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>If you go to <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/">Sally's
web site</a> and scroll down there's a link to a PDF
of my <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/Jan05.html">second
article</a> about yoga. This one is quote driven and
there are pictures of fat women. Real fat women. The
photo that was used with the <a href="http://www.yimag.org/">YI</a>
article was of a women who I wouldn't even call large
and that was frustrating. I feel more ownership of the
YI piece. I wish it was on line. The Yoga 4 Every
Body piece was written toward the requests of the editor.
Which is not to say that it's bad. I just feel more
ownership of the first one. But. It is good to have
stuff out there.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did some yoga yesterday. My practice has been less than
regular. It is always good to return to it. I am more
given to stretching in general. More aware of tension
in my body. This isn't so much about yoga as it is about
age. My body doesn't rebound as quickly. It demands
attention now. Which is good. I suppose. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is this holly daze thing happening around me. And I'm
just trying to ignore it. I have no funding. No energy.
I'm not feeling all bah humbug. Although I'm not loving
the pounds of catalogues I get every day. Mostly I'm
just feeling out of the loop. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1233)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1233"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Let me speak let me spit out my bitterness<BR>Born of grief and nights without
sleep and festering flesh<BR>Do you have eyes?<BR>Can you see like mankind
sees?<BR>Why have you soured and curdled me?<BR>Oh you tireless watcher! What
have I done to you?<BR>That you make everything I dread and everything I fear
come true?<BR></span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=TheSireOfSorrow">-Joni</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e934" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e934"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e934"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e734"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>So. Ya know. I've been
sad. For a very long time.
And I've been trying not
to talk about it. Because.
It is what it is. There
are reasons to be sad. There
are reasons for me to be
sad. But you know there
have been people who come
here and tell me to quit
"taking my emotional
temperature". And other
less than useful bits of
(cough) wisdom. And I only
have so much tolerance for
that kind of stuff. So.
I just haven't wanted to
write about it. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
Also. Too. There are people
who worry when I write about
it. And. No one needs to
worry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
problem is that I feel like
blog is bloodless these
days. I am pulled back.
Not engaged. I think that
if you are going to write your life on line you need
to be able to deal with some slings and arrows. And
I get far more sweetness than either of those. But I
just feel tired. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every day I expect to go
on line and see that no
one is stopping by any more.
And I'm not as participatory
as I once was. I feel. Tense.
Braced. Somewhat paranoid.
Er, sumthin.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
said all that, I am sitting
here in deep content. <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
and Joe came up from LA
and took me out for dinner
at ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="400">
<tr>
<td width="394">
<p><a href="http://www.eatdrinksf.com/daflora.htm"><img src="Da Flora.jpg" width="400" height="396" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">...sigh.
My favorite. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went in a little early and
Flora brought me a glass
of champagne. I'm finally
getting around to reading
<a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0375504907&view=excerpt"><i>Reading
Lolita in Tehran</i></a>.
So I read and sipped and
suddenly one of the women
who worked there, a woman
I had never seen before, walked
up and said hi. It turned
out she knows a woman I
worked with in NYC. So I
got that small world feeling.
Read my book and sipped
my champagne. Smiling. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
ate and ate and ate. And
drank wine. And talked.
It was just so good. Deeply
good. And I got home in
time for most of <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/series/billmoyers.html">Now.</a>
I even got a little weepy
as Moyers said goodbye.
But I was in such a good mood
that I didn't get the tense
jaw I usually get while
I listen. Despite the fact
that Moyers went out with
a great and somewhat
terrifying show about <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/mediaconsol.html">media.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kristina's
generosity is always overwhelming. There is a whole
book case in my apartment on which I want to put a commemorative
plaque with her name since she has given me most of
the books on it. Last night she gave me something. Something
that let me know that she <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/November2004.htm#e920">reads
me</a>. Two bags of dried cranberries. For my oatmeal.
It just makes me smile. Knowing that someone gets me
in that way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I'm full. And the sadness is at bay. I mean. I've been
sad most of my life. And I've always pushed at it. Poked
it. Tried to understand it and reason with it and even
accept it. Sometimes I listen to lots of Joni and wallow
in it. And then sometimes it gets chased off by warmth
and kindness and conversation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1234)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1234"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e935" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e935"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e935"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e735"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Someday, somewhere, somehow
I'm going to meet <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog">Barry</a>
and I'm going to hafta hug him and I hope he won't mind.
He's just so cool and smart. And cute. I've seen pictures. He has
written some <a href="http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/000368.html">very</a>
<a href="http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/001304.html">cool</a>
<a href="http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/001305.html">posts</a>
taking about weight based discrimination and comparing
being fat with being gay. I feel like I should jump
into discussions like these but, as I've mentioned,
it's been a tough year and I've been having a hard time
being engaged. And as I read through the comments on
the post my head begins to throb. Which is not to say
that there isn't some great thinking in the comments.
(194 comments on one of the posts. If that ever happed
here I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry.) But there
is also the same old tired eat less exercise more and
then you can join the ranks of the moral CRAP. It just
makes me want to scream and yell. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm in too good a mood today. Still high from all that
love and pleasure last night. When I hear pop psychologists
say that fat people use food for comfort I always wanna
say: so? Food is comforting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is a woman <a href="http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/000368.html">in
the comments</a> over at Amp's who talks about her weight
loss experiance. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="358">
<tr>
<td width="352"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I just wanted to put my two cents in as a fat person who has actually "taken responsibility" and lost 100 lbs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I wouldn't have been able to lose that weight if I weren't an
enormously privileged person with few responsibilities, no kids and a
job that pays me enough to live on at 30 hrs a week. I spent about four
years completely reshaping my life to make that weight loss possible -
I sold my car, moved into a house that was close enough to the city for
me to commute by bike, became a vegetarian and sank thousands of
dollars into counseling to unravel a few generations' worth of
dysfunctional eating. After spending two years building gradually up to
4 hours of exercise a day and, by the by, remaining a healthy 300 lbs
more or less the whole time, I finally tackled and gradually cut my
caloric intake in half. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Having lost 100 lbs and being now in incredible physical condition,
I still weigh over 200 lbs and barely fit into the largest sizes at the
regular department stores. In order to lose the last 60 lbs I need to,
I will have to restrict food intake still further and exercise still
more. I get lots of compliments from people who have been watching me
lose this weight, but to anyone casually seeing me on the street, I
look like a Big Mac eating, Big Gulp swilling fat person. Some great
reward, eh? </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
exercises four hours a day. I've met people like her.
She does not seem to bragging about what she's doing
she just talks from her experience. You can lose weight
if you exercise more and eat less. How much more? How
much less? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there is another women.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="381">
<tr>
<td width="375">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">My experience certainly supports the "next door to impossible" theory
of weight loss. I started dieting at age 9, due to parental pressure,
and continued dieting until I was 25. It was the standard lose 4
pounds, gain 7, lose 10, gain 15, over and over until I swore at 25
(and 180 pounds) I would never diet again. In fact, I decided I would
eat absolutely everything I wanted, just to see what that would be
like. Much to my surprise, I found that I didn't even much like the
things I had deprived myself of for so long. And that the feeling of
eating too much is distinctly unpleasant. Who knew? I remained fairly
active until a weight-lifting injury in my late twenties, followed by
years of serious joint pain. I put on some weight, bit by bit, in my
thirties, and about three years ago, I weighed about 225. I was
hideously uncomfortable, had no energy, truly no desire to move at all,
and no desire whatsoever to eat. I finally consulted a dietitian, and
was shocked to discover that I was not consuming a sufficient number of
calories (well under 1000 a day, most of the time, and many days
virtually zero). She recommended a diet and (very moderate) exercise
plan, and I started to feel better eventually, although I did gain a
little weight (it was very difficult not to be discouraged by this). It
wasn't all that long before I started to have energy again, and I got a
dog who liked a leisurely jog every morning. Within a year or so I had
lost 50 pounds, and was back to around 175-180 and feeling healthy and
energetic, if not wildly attractive. I still find it difficult to eat
as much as I'm supposed to, but I'm enjoying my body more than maybe
ever before.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
desire to eat. What so ever. I find that tragic. And
I know how it feels. It happens to me. A lot. When
I was a smoker I would always choose smoking over eating.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
these individual stories are just two. There are many
more. In a fat hating culture all fat people look alike.
But if you take the time to talk to fat people and learn
their stories you know that the simple eat less exercise
more solution is simplistic and more to the point is
an attempt to dictate life style. Barry makes this connection
between being fat and being gay.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="382">
<tr>
<td width="376"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">So in theory, every fat person and every queer person could choose
"not to be." Just choose to eat as little as an anorexic, and exercise
four hours every day, for your entire life. Just choose to repress your
core sexual identity. Whatever it takes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">But in practice, some choices are so difficult that they can't reasonably be called choices at all.</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well
said. Right on. Just makes me want to hug him. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my book I wrote about a time when I lost 100 pounds.
I wasn't dieting, or exercising. But I was making an
effort to eat, taking vitamins, getting regular
massage and acupuncture. People kept asking me if I
was losing weight and I made jokes about hoping not
because then I'd have to change the name of my band.
When Stephen was being my advisor on the book he asked
if this wasn't just going to add to the idea that I
could be thin if ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
I wasn't thin. I was thinner. But I wasn't thin. I wasn't
thin during the time I lived in NYC and went to a gym
for an hour and a half five or six days a week. I wasn't
thin when I lived on rails of white powder and glasses
of JWB. My body has been through changes and will go
through changes. I will live my life. MY. Life. My choices.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
don't talk to me about the rising cost of heath care.
Talk to the insurance companies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1235)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1235"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e936" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e936"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e936"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:49
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e736"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>I woke up thinking about
Kentucky. I don't know anything about Kentucky. I know
there's a derby. I have the idea that it's very green
there. I don't know anyone who lives there and
I don't think I ever have. But I woke up thinking I
should move there. I've been doing web searches on Kentucky
and reading <a href="http://globeofblogs.com/?x=location&country=216">blogs.</a></span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
may pass. I can't really imagine living anywhere else.
But. I'm trying to be open. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1236)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1236"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e937" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e937"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e937"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e737"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>I've always had a loopy
attitude about taking a pill for pain. Even during the
days when I was doing illicit drugs I was unlikely to
take an aspirin for a head ache. Instead I would talk
about how it wasn't good to mask symptoms and a headache
might mean that I needed to drink more water. Yeah.
And it might have also meant that I needed to stop ingesting
toxins. I'm still more likely to take herbs or beg Lynn
to come and give me needles or call Barbara for health
issues than I am to call an MD. Although I do know a
very cool MD. So yesterday when the news was full of
stories about the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/12/21/MNGQCAF5EQ1.DTL">possible
negative impacts of Alieve</a> I felt a bit superior.
Just a bit and not for long because I needed to take
something for the pain in my knees which has been particularly
bad the last few days. Of course I even have my <a href="http://www.wobenzym.com/">alternative
stuff</a> for that pain. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Recently
I had a conversation with a friend about my alternative
health preferences and she said she would not take herbs
because they weren't tested by the FDA..I was actually
startled. More and more we hear about the failure of
the FDA..</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was news about the <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/ID/6707600/">dismissal
of concern about AIDS drugs in Africa.</a> Jesse Jackson
said that sending these drugs to Africa was like the
<a href="http://www.npr.org/programs/morning/features/2002/jul/tuskegee/">experiments
in Tuskegee</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not that I think there are a bunch of evil mad scientist
trying to do bad things to us all. I just think that
the pharmaceutical companies are too interested in making
money. I heard a pharmaceutical company guy say his
wife was on one of the drugs that had just been pulled.
I wondered about that as an endorsement. Are they really
that committed to their product? Probably some of them
are. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.democracynow.org/">Democracy
Now</a> is going to do a whole show about this stuff
tomorrow.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
still think we turn to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/science/medicare.html">pills</a>
for too much. But I keep thinking about the people who
have been taking some over the counter something for
the pain in their whatever and now wonder if they've
done more harm than good. It's sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1237)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1237"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e938" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e938"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e938"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e738"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Last night I was <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-158724487x-2">reading</a>
and I realized that I have
not read Nabokov. I read
about him. I have a sense
of having read him. But
I'm sure I haven't. There
are so many books like that.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a clear memory of being
on a Greyhound bus when
I was twenty going
from SF to Soda Springs
where I had been hired to
work as a maid and a waitress. I have a paper back
of <i><a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=7-0156787334-3">A
Room of One's Own</a> </i>in
my hands. I can't remember
much about the book. Which
says more about my state
of mind at the time than
it does the book. There
were ways in which I wanted to be someone who was reading
the book more than I wanted to read the book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are people who read far
more than I do. My aunt,
a retired teacher, someone who gave
me a love of reading, reads
stacks of books. Dime store
romances. The kind with
big hunky men and women in lace on the cover. She reads
five or six a week. She likes the
act of reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like the act of reading
as well. And yet, lately I've had
as much trouble reading
as I have writing. Some
of that is because I've
been reading <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0231128967-0">beyond
my ken.</a> And some it
is just a general disengagement
with life.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it occurred to me as I was
poking around on the Internet
looking for Nabokov that
I don't have a list of books
everyone should read. Any
list I would make would
depend on the person and
why they want to read. I
do how ever have a list of book I feel I need to read.
And that one is long. Almost as long as the books I
feel I need to reread. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1238)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1238"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="text" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">It's coming on Christmas <br>
They're cutting down trees <br>
They're putting up reindeer <br>
And singing songs of joy and peace
</font></span>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/song.cfm?id=River">-Joni</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e939" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e939"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e939"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e739"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>For a variety of reasons
I've been asking myself if I believe in love. For the
most part, I've decided I do. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't believe love conquers all. I don't believe that
love is blind. I do think that love can be surprising.
And also ordinary. Obvious. I do think that love is
mighty and healing. I also think love unexpressed can
feel toxic. Mostly I think love is a shape shifter.
Always changing in form and content. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like the wrong question to be asking. It's like
asking if you believe in air. Or water. Or fire. Everything
that can be a source for life. Or for death. Both of
which dance together. Always.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
the time of long dark nights. A time for laying in bed
asking questions with too many answers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1239)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1239"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e940" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e940"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e940"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e740"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>There's a box of Christmas
ornaments in my closet. I haven't looked at them for
a few years. I was in school, or NC, or M & K were
here. I was sort of looking forward to this year. I
thought I would have a tree. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like having things that you only see once a year. Many
of which were given to me by Karen. I like decking the
halls. But I don't have it in me. I'm no more grouchy
than I usually am. I'm actually feeling kinda mellow.
Which could be because I made a steak, potato and green
bean dinner for my self and had some <a href="http://www.vinicantinepirovano.com/eng/sangiovese_romagna.htm">Sangiovese</a>.
I've been <a href="http://www.cheesesupply.com/product_info.php/products_id/205">eating</a>
<a href="http://www.cowgirlcreamery.com/cheeses/">fancy</a>
<a href="http://web.foodnetwork.com/food/web/encyclopedia/termdetail/0,7770,537,00.html">cheese</a>
all day. And these macadamia nuts that Deb caramelised
and then rolled in <a href="http://www.scharffenberger.com/">Sharffen
Berger</a> powder. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was always very hyper about my card each year. This
is the one I had the last time I sent cards out. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="303">
<tr>
<td width="297">
<p><img src="HoHoHo.jpg" width="320" height="438" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Which
was a few years ago. I posted it last year and I'm putting
it up again. <a href="http://www.carascissoria.com/xmas/xmas-2004.htm">This</a>
is where it's from. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
I want for Christmas is ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">...uh.
You know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm OK. I have chocolate. And creamy cheese. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was a kid we had <a href="http://www.recipecottage.com/variety-meats/liver-pudding01.html">liver
pudding</a> for Christmas breakfast. Not a tradition
that I have kept alive. I do eat tangerines and chocolate
because that's what I got in my stocking. That's the taste
of Christmas morning. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Merry
is a peculiar word. I'm pretty far from merry. But I
am mellow. And I hope this is an evening of whatever
you want it to be. And I hope tomorrow is better than
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1240)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1240"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e941" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e941"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e941"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e741"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>If there is ever a list
of movies least likely to be shown on Christmas <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109508/">Crumb</a>
would surely be in the top ten. But that's what I was
watching. It's an intense portrait of Crumb, his art
and what happens to three extremely intelligent boys
when they are raised by a brutal father and a manic
mother. It's tragic. More to the point it's about the
people who don't fit into the American narrative. The
kids who aren't pretty enough and are a little too smart.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
wasn't that the movie bummed me out. I'm glad I watched
it. I just kept thinking about all that peace on earth
good will to men stuff that gets pulled up for the day
and then tucked back in. And, because Crumb is
such a social critic, I was thinking about consumerism.
Perfect day for it.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night, before I went to bed, I checked in on the news.
The first three stories were about the devastation in
<a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/122704V.shtml">South
East Asia</a>, the euphoria in the <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/122704B.shtml">Ukraine</a>
and then a piece on the day after Christmas at the mall.
Americans shopping. And shopping. And shopping. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
day I'm gonna have some money and I'm gonna buy so many
people presents. I'm not beyond that desire to buy and
give. But watching the news footage of people wandering
through the sales racks I was just filled with the sense
of something being very out of balance. In such a big
way. And I felt like a cranky, character in a Crumb
comic. One of his big butt women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is a marvel. In one part of the world people walking
on the beach are swept away. In another they are gathered
in the streets to celebrate their insistence on democracy.
In another there is a war. A war of deceit and greed.
And somewhere there is a mom and dad playing with their
two year old son, happy to have time off of work to
enjoy the baby they love. And there are people playing
with their new toys. Bellies full. It's all happening
at the same time. Horror. Pleasure. Indolence. Content.
Every point on the spectrum is in play. The field of
the lord. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
is dark and cold and rainy. And it's still true that
I'm not miserable. Just mindful and musing and preoccupied.
Not even trying to make sense of anything. Just trying
to stay warm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1241)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1241"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e942" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e942"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e942"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e742"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Yesterday I heard that
the earthquake that caused the tsunami also caused the
earth to shift on its axis. Just a bit. I am completely
taken by that. Think of it. Our view of the sun and
the moon is just a bit different. Not so much that you
notice but maybe enough to make you feel like something
has changed. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
many people swallowed by the sea. So many all at once.
It has to have an impact on us. Even if we aren't looking
at the pictures on the news. That much loss. All at
once. We must feel it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really wonder about these things. When genocide and
war and famine take so many lives all at once, isn't
it likely that we feel it? Some how? And what is the
feeling? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
spiritual sense of things is wobbly. It's not so much
that I feel the need to mourn for the lives that are
swirled into that unknown place we call death. I feel
the need to light candles and wish them well on what
ever it is that comes next. But their families and friends,
now living with the loss tug at my heart. The now homeless
and hurt and orphaned. The wail of need coming from
so many. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
why weren't there early warning systems in place? And
is this just a planet shrugging or is it a response
to climate change? And how will the western world, in
the torpor of holiday satiety respond? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
a little shift on the axis. A perspective change so
small that we can't quite track it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1242)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1242"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e943" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e943"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e943"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:57
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e743"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>In the beginning of the
year I picked up a pile
of granny squares that I'd
been working on for years
and decided to finish the
afghan. It was a very small
pile and made a very small
afghan. But it was good
to work on it. I wanted
to get more into crochet.
I wanted to learn to knit.
Because all the cool kids
are knitting. I did manage
to finish a hat and a baby
blanket for <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/220593/2/9300012">Jan.</a>
But the cost of yarn and
the limit of my ability
slowed me down to a halt.
</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then <a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>
started to post about her
<a href="http://www.willa.com/fallenangel/weblog/index.shtml">interest
in Tarot</a> and I started
pulling a card a day for
awhile. It was Willa who
pointed me to the <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/trinitydoughnuts/">Trinity
Doughnuts Tarot</a>, which
I adore. Happily I ended
up corresponding with the
maker of the Trinity Doughnuts
Tarot. Amber Dorko Stopper.
I almost always think of
her with her full name.
It's such a great name.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Amber
and her sister have other
<a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/">Tarot
projects</a>. One of which
is a knitting tarot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="123">
<tr>
<td width="117">
<p><!--This image and the code which follows it is copyright 2004 megan dorko and amber dorko stopper. See http://www.notsoswift.com/admindandacard/knittingtarot/ for full details. All rights reserved --><!-- Begin copywrited code and images --><a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/knittingtarot/?button"><img alt="knitting_tarot_animated.gif" src="http://www.notsoswift.com/amindandacard/knittingtarot/images/knitting_tarot_animated.gif" width="120" height="60" border="0" /></a><!--End copywrited code and images--></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
just so cool. Amber has
a printing press and makes
<a href="http://notsoswift.com/store/product_info.php/cPath/22/products_id/41?osCsid=203ad2300bcd6d7a3ba0c7fe27f88c41">book
plates</a> from her knitting
tarot. Books. Knitting.
AND tarot. It's just the
coolest of the cool, I'm
tellin ya. (More on all this
on her <a href="http://www.notsoswift.com/knitting/">knitting
blog.</a>) Where, if you
scroll down far enough you
will also see the earrings
she knit for me. SO cool.
It just all makes me smile.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was Amber who let me know
about <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/29/books/29appr.html?oref=login">Susan
Sontag</a> in an email yesterday.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
first heard Sontag giving a
lecture about what she called
decade speak. She was noting
the way we had begun to
talk in terms of the fifties,
the sixties, and so on.
I don't remember when it
was but it was years ago
when I was living in Boulder.
The next time I saw her
I was cooking in a small
restaurant in Chelsea with
an open kitchen. Lot's of
famous people ate there.
I was the only one who recognized
her. I think she smiled
at me. I guess she could
have been smiling at the
person across the table
from her but I smiled at
her. It seems like I regularly
site <a href="http://www.susansontag.com/regardingpain.htm">Regarding
The Pain of Others</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">About
an hour after I got the
e-mail CSPAN was airing
their I<a href="http://www.c-spanstore.org/cgi-bin/cspanstore/172991-1.html">n
Depth with Sontag</a>, which
I'd listened to when it
first aired and listened
to again yesterday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it was a day full of smiles and tears. Like so many
others. Talking to <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
about the weather problems in LA.. Listening to more
<a href="http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/001814.html">reports</a>
about the wave. Every time I hear a new report the death
count is higher. My mind struggling to hold the numbers.
My heart struggling to hold the loss of one life and
the loss of so many. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Mark</a>
has some good Sontag links. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="246">
<tr>
<td width="240"><p class="smallType" align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Krishnamurti claims that we must give up psychological, as distinct
from factual, memory. Otherwise, we keep filling up the new with the
old, closing off experience by hooking each experience into the last.
</span></font></p>
<p class="smallType" align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We must destroy continuity (which is insured by psychological memory), by going to the end of each emotion or thought.
</span></font></p>
<p class="smallType" align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">And after the end, what supervenes (for a while) is silence.
(<a href="http://www.ubu.com/aspen/aspen5and6/threeEssays.html#sontag">More)</a>
</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did most of the work on the afghan during the week when
my dad died. Hooking memories into yarn passing through
my fingers. Loss and loss and loss. Hooked together.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I guess. Today. I feel more wonder than anything else.
It all seems to swirl. And I'm in the center watching
from the seat in front of the screen. Disabled. Or maybe
just overwhelmed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1243)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1243"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e944" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e944"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e944"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e744"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>Just as I was beginning
my shower yesterday the sun burst through. It's been
so dark here for the last few days. I'm so internal.
I don't usually notice or mind days of clouds and rain.
I even like it. But this sun was so sudden and so bright.
I decided to get out in it and go for a walk. </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
needed to go to Barnes and Noble to get another copy
of <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/Jan05.html">Yoga
4 Every Body</a> to send to my aunt. I knew other
B&N's had it but this one didn't seem to. There
were three yoga mags all in a row and no Y4EB. I looked
at the shelf below but I didn't see it. So I asked.
The guy said they did have it so I went back and looked
again. It was on the bottom in the back. You had to
be in a yoga position to see it. So I go back to the
front to pay for it and I mention the placement and
point out my article and say they need to display it
more prominently since I am a local. He said blame the
corporate headquarters because they tell them where
to place things. I said something about living on the
edge and shaking off the corporate structure. He took
my money and that was that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
sun was good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1244)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1244"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e945" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e945"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e945"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:08
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e745"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>I never get to participate
in Friday cat blogging. (Which <a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/">Elayne</a>
says is </span></font><span class="rss:item" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><b>�</b></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.calpundit.com/">Kevin Drum</a>)
Because.
You know. I don't have a cat. In three and half years
of blogging there has never been a picture of cat on
my blog. It just seems wrong. And so...</span></font>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is a picture of my friend Jane's cats. Sunshine and
Reggie. She sent it on her Christmas card. It seems
like everyone I know has cats. Or dogs. Or cats and
dogs. I had a dog and cats when I was younger. But now
I live in an apartment that doesn't allow animals. And
I'm a little bit allergic. And. So. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
right then. Friday cat blogging. I'm in. I feel so complete.</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1245)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1245"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e946" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/December2004.htm#e946"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">December</font></a><a id="e946"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:13
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e746"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">
</a>It's about 10:00 as I begin
to type. Rain is pounding
against the windows. </span></font>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/299364">K3</a>
came over today with a pile
of sushi and a bottle of
wine. And presents. <a href="http://www.tenspeedpress.com/catalog/all/item.php3?id=1532">A
book</a>. And a book that
Kara made. Purple. My favorite.
And pictures of <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/299364/4/12062648">Janananda</a>.
Jan can walk. A little
bit. Wasn't it just <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e530">yesterday</a>
I was sitting in a hospital
room holding him and he
was the length of my arm?
</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kara
always made these cool cards
for Christmas. She'd make
a print and choose a word.
This year they all put paint
on their feet and made this.</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems like a great message
for the year. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
I wish that for you all.
Great feats. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
they left I cleaned up a
bit. Talked to Mom. Listened
to the news. They were listing
people who had died. Famous
people. I remembered the
lists in the New York Times
after 9/11. I remembered a
Night Line on which they
listed the names of soldiers who had died in Iraq and
Afghanistan. How
do you list 150, 000 names?
So. I have a candle lit. For 150,000 unlisted names.
And I know there are more. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
TV is full of the parties. For so many tonight is about
dancing and drinking. And that's OK. People should have
fun. I had a sweet day with friends and a boy who is
almost one. So tall already. And he can walk. Did I
mention that he can walk? </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
child born. And a world to carry on. Great feats. Yeah.
Let's be <a href="http://www.architectureforhumanity.org/__Sumatra.htm">inspired.</a>
</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
ate a little more fancy cheese and finished the wine.
I might save the split of champagne for tomorrow.
I have left over sushi rice and some coconut curry and
a piece of chicken and some green beans. That will be
good. I am safe. Warm. Fed. Loved. Grateful. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought I'd keep writing till midnight. But it's 11:11
and I think I'll get in my pjs and go to bed with a
book. Start again. Next year. </span></font></p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
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