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<title>If we can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the future and the transformation we are und</title>
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<p> <FONT face="Bell MT,Arial" color=#333333><span style="font-size:12pt;">If we
can recognize that change and uncertainty are basic principles, we can greet the
future and the transformation we are undergoing with the understanding that we
do not know enough to be pessimistic.<BR> --Hazel
Henderson</span></FONT></p>
<p><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
1 2001</b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">So,
I checked out the new site design on <a href="http://www.fatso.com" target="_blank">Marilyn's</a>
new computer. The color was kinda washed out. A while back Karen told me that
there was no drop down menu on the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/thestory.html" target="_blank">before</a>
page and she couldn't access the old stuff. I thought it might be her computer,
but on Marilyn's brand new computer it wasn't showing up either. The drop down
on my main page was working. I'm at a loss...BUT...if you don't see a drop down
below,let me know. All the links that were on this page are on the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm" target="_blank">refrigerator
door</a> page. My efforts at simplifying may have been a mistake, but I'm going
to stick with this design for a while. Meanwhile, I added some links to the
before page in case the drop down doesn't show up there. Oy.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">Marilyn
and I went to <a href="http://www.rainbowgrocery.org" target="_blank">Rainbow</a>. While
we were there Marilyn saw a blank book with "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant"
on the cover This in a grocery store where they stopped selling a juice because
it had a cartoon of a Kamikaze guy on the front and it was seen as racist.I'm
writing to them.
I got some <a href="http://www.wegmans.com/kitchen/ingredients/cheese/andre.asp" target="_blank">St
Andre</a>, which I had for dinner, on <a href="http://www.cspinet.org/nah/9_00/rsvfp.htm" target="_blank">ak-max</a>,
with an apple. Yum. I also got a mouse trap. It's a little green house. The
mouse is suppose to go in there and then I'm going to take it ...somewhere.
Maybe to the wharf. I dunno. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
2 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
I was going to do laundry but it was just too rainy and cold. I couldn't face
it. So, I fooled around on line all day. I did change the sheets, do the dishes
and some dusting. Just enough to fend off my inner Puritan. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">The
bombing in Jerusalem made for waves of rhetoric on <a href="http://www.cnn.com" target="_blank">CNN</a> and <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/default.asp" target="_blank">MSNBC</a>. It's so complicated
and heart breaking. And the news is full of dueling extremists, with the news
person asking increasingly incendiary questions. I can't imagine how they're
going quell the violence, but it isn't helpful when our source of information
is so reductive. More bombs this morning. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">I
had this bright idea to use the <a href="http://www.oed.com/cgi/display/wotd" target="_blank">word</a>
of the day from the <a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">OED</a> site
in a sentence every day. But, the words have managed to outfall my ability.
</font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
3 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
Marilyn and I went to a fat women's swim. It was so much fun! It's great to
be in water. It put me in a soft, child-like place. The pool had stairs that
were easy to get down. I was so happy. And there is something great about
seeing a bunch of fat women bobbing in a pool. Now my muscles feel strong and
there is less <a href="http://www.oed.com/cgi/display/wotd" target="_blank">halt</a>
in my walk. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">Then we went to a poetry reading,
done by the poetry class in my program. Great! Great! Great poetry! It was a
perfect Sunday. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
</font></span><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
4 2001</b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
So, it doesn't really work to link to the <a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">OED</a> word of the day. It's a mistake,
because the word changes. Drat! </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">I
had to do the laundry, five loads! And it wore me out. I worked on a statement
of esthetics between loads, listened to the Board. They did a ceremony in which
they honored youth. Each supervisor chose one young person from their district.
It was really fantastic and moving. We hear too many stories of the evils of
youth. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
5 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
Last night the two blocks from the shopping center to my house were dark, some
kind of power outage. It was spooky. But, there was power in my apartment. I
watched some TV and fooled around on the computer before I went to bed. The
power went off in my apartment two times during the night. I know this because
my phone beeped, both when it went off and when it went back on, and the
beeping woke me up. So, I didn't sleep well. I woke up late. And I feel a bit
out of it.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">We
had a big talk about publishing last night. I'm so ambivalent. I didn't push
my recording of <i>Fat Love</i>, when I had a band. I didn't push my voice over
tape after I took all those classes. And it's likely that I'll flounder when
it comes to pushing my writing. I guess that's not a good attitude. There are
issues about publishing that we didn't discuss. It's possible to self publish.
There are quite a few small press publications. The focus of the discussion
was on literacy journals. But, even literary journals have a politic. We are
at a <a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">quadrivial </a>moment, at
least. I'm going to have to work through this. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
6 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
The semester is over. I'm happier about it than I thought I would be. I need
to process everything that I went through during the semester. I lay in bed
last night, staring at the ceiling. I'm disoriented about writing. I knew when
I woke up this morning I would try to write my page and face it all again. What
do I have to say?</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I'm
listening to Ashcroft defending the patriot act. He's smooth. It's a terrifying
hearing. He's not being challenged much. Civil liberties are on the precipice.
Fear and vengeance and the belief in our inchoate superiority inform so much
of the discourse. Even the intention to <a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">forefend</a>
the purchase of guns gets tossed into the fray. The center will not hold.</font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
10 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I've been waking up at six or so and feeling like that's too early, then I
go back to sleep and have trouble waking up. I'm still up before 7:30, which
seems reasonable. I'm forever negotiating my inner Puritan and my more demanding
<a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">libertine</a> nature. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"> Last
year I went to my mom's house for Christmas. I took <i>King Leopold's Ghost,
The Poisonwood Bible </i>and<i> Things Fall Apart </i>and made jokes about pretending
I was in Africa. Synchronistically, this year, I am reading <i>July's People
</i>and <i>Long Walk to Freedom. </i>I'm trying to parse African history and
politics in an attempt to understand current situations. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">Michael
and John had Deb and I over for brunch. Michael went all out, made eggs benedict,
scones and sticky buns. Their apartment is a Christmas festival! The made fruit
cake and a Christmas CD for us as well. So, sweet! </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"> <span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
11 2001</b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I had a dream in which most of my classmates lived near me and they were waking
me up to talk. I didn't mind but I kept falling back to sleep. Then it seemed
that they had all left and the front door was open, so I went to close it. And
I saw that they were outside. And I wanted to sketch in my notebook but I didn't
have the time. Which is a true thing, I'm always wishing I would make time to
sketch. Pretty funny stuff.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">Marilyn
and I keep trying to have a meal at this place called <a href="http://www.sfbg.com/SFLife/Cheap/cheap.html" target="_blank">Rock
Soup</a>. But, it never seems to be open when we go. So, we wandered around
and found a nice Italian place,<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/reviews/restaurants/4156418899.DTL&type=food" target="_blank">Palatino</a>
in Bernal Heights. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
keep wondering what will happen with this kid from Marin, <a href="http://www.msnbc.com/news/669825.asp?pne=msn" target="_blank">John
Walker</a>. In the news it's the same old bifurcated discussion; is he a traitor
or not? Not much discussion of his choice to learn the purist form of Arabic
and it's path to the purist form of Islam and his claim that it was his heart
that connected him to these people. He seems very sweet and thoughtful and <a href="http://www.oed.com/cgi/display/wotd" target="_blank">lone</a>.
</font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Prestige Elite"> </span></span></font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
12 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I got an e-mail from my cousin Ted yesterday. There was a high school reunion
for Keystone Oaks, the high school we both attended in Pittsburgh. I moved to
Maryland for my last two years of school so I didn't graduate from KO. But,
I guess there was a time when we all wrote in our school paper what we would
leave to our teachers and I had left my hippie beads to Mr. Murray. Cute. I
wonder about Gary Demblowski, my true love from those days. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">Christina
and I went to <a href="http://www.citylights.com/" target="_blank">City Lights</a>
and bought books. Then Marilyn joined us at <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/reviews/restaurants/4152911700.DTL&type=food" target="_blank">Coppola's
Cafe</a> for dinner and to hear <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/David.html" target="_blank">David</a>
read. It was great to hear him and see him but it was an odd setting. There
was a THIS IS NOT A FIRE EXIT sign above his head. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
13 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I found this <a href="http://www.bij-voorbeeld.nl/bij-voorbeeld/game/start.htm" target="_blank">game</a>
on line and spent the whole day playing it! Such indolence! I was listening
to the radio and the Board on TV all day but, really, it was a goofy way to
spend a day. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:11pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Prestige Elite">
</font></span> <span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
15 2001</span></b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I went to Oakland to have lunch with Mary Patrick. We yakked it up and had
fun. It's a bus to a BART journey so I got a lot of reading done. I'm reading
ahead for a class, so I'm reading books I might not have picked up. Currently,
I'm reading <i><a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/resources/bookgroup/thingstheycarried_bgc.html" target="_blank">The
Things They Carried</a> </i>by Tim O'Brien. It's a memoir/fiction of Vietnam.
It says it's fiction but it's clear that there are some parts of his life embedded
in the writing. So, that line between memory and truth is muted. It's a wonderful
book, especially now. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I'm
a fan of <a href="http://www.darkangeltheseries.com/" target="_blank">Dark Angel</a>,
which I could be embarrassed about if I had the time. But, yesterday there was
a thing on Oprah about scientific advances, especially in medicine. There was
a guy talking about cloning pets, which apparently is a thing people are into
to. The guy said this thing about a dog being clone-worthy. What I like about
the Dark Angel character is her disobedience and toughness. She has moments
of self examination and moments of personal clarity. This is a, no doubt, elevated
view of her and the show, but she's suppose to be this perfect being, physically.
And she has self esteem issues. Perfection does not guaranty worthiness to thinking,
feeling
people.</font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
16 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
Carrie and I went to an evening lecture/benefit for <a href="http://www.media-alliance.org/" target="_blank">Media
Alliance</a>, <a href="http://www.freespeechradio.net/" target="_blank">Free
Speech Public Radio</a>, and <a href="http://www.freemumia.org/" target="_blank">Mobilization
to Free Munia</a>. It was a long evening. Both informative and rhetorical. <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/" target="_blank">Amy
Goodman</a> was there and she was great. Danny Glover was there but a friend
of his had a heart attack, and he heard about it just as he walked on stage,
so he had to leave. One of Mumia's lawyers was there and he's probably a good
lawyer but I found him annoying. He evoked Sacco & Vansetti, the Rosenburg's
& Iran/Contra in a surface skim historical context for Mumia's imprisonment.
I was happy to hear some of the evidence detailed. And they had a tape of the
confession of the man who says he killed the police officer that Mumia is accused
of killing. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
sort of forgot the <a href="http://www.oed.com/cgi/display/wotd" target="_blank">OED</a>
word for a few days. My attempts to use it began to feel a bit refracted. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
17 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I went swimming yesterday. It's just so good. And it makes Barbara ( my chiropractor)
happy! My neck and back were tight and achy the day before and are noticeably
better today. Then Marilyn wanted to stop at Ikea. I had never been and I was
curious. Yikes. It's huge, filled with people buying and buying. The stuff is
cheap, which means it won't last long and will need to be purchased again. I
bought a little lamp for my bedside table. It was nine dollars. But, it
is amazing how many people are in the world and how many of them are spending
Sunday afternoon buying crap. I made a nice dinner for myself, steak, smashed
potato and green beans, glass of wine. And now the week begins. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
18 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I'm not feeling too festive but I was fooling around and turned my picture
into a kind of card. Eartha Kitt is behind me! I am sending a few cards to people
that I only tend to communicate with during the holly daze. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
published a piece I wrote about my SIMS addiction in the writing drop down.
</font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
19 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
My energy has been low. I may have been a bit unwell. My stomach was bothering
me on and off and actually drove me back to bed on Monday. Then last night at
8:00 I got a surge of energy and almost started moving furniture. I straightened
things up and read half of <i>Farewell To Arms. </i>It's another of the assigned
books for next semester. It's interesting. Particularly since we are involved
a war. It's too easy to forget that. It's just some snappy music video
on CNN. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><a href="http://www.freemumia.org/" target="_blank">Mumia'</a>s
death sentence was thrown out. However, the murder charge was upheld. He may
be given a new trail in a few months. But the state of Pennsylvania is fighting
it. Things still remain precariously balanced. I was so happy when I heard the
news but as the details unfold it seems like there is still reason to worry.
</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">So
far I haven't stuck to any real writing schedule. The days just seem to fill
up and go by. I'm trying to work on the memoir, which is painful and confusing.
I flounder in the structure. I could, I suppose, start over and pretend I had
no writing done. the thought of it makes me nauseous. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
20 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
There is something so disturbing about leaders of nations saying things like
"dead or alive". It's as if they believe they're in a cowboy
movie. Even when killing might be understandable, like in a defensive situation
or an accident, there ought to be some reverence and remorse. The attitude ought
not to be so cavalier. Our current leaders seem far too blood thirsty.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
slept badly. Now I'm foggy. The rain is falling and I am waiting for UPS. I
got out yesterday for a while and had another late evening energy surge. But
I thought I was tired enough to sleep, I went to bed and tossed about until
12:30. Then I read for a while. I may be a bit depressed. I keep crying over
music or commercials or moments on Oprah. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
20 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
There is something so disturbing about leaders of nations saying things like
"dead or alive". It's as if they believe they're in a cowboy
movie. Even when killing might be understandable, like in a defensive situation
or an accident, there ought to be some reverence and remorse. The attitude ought
not to be so cavalier. Our current leaders seem far too blood thirsty.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
slept badly. Now I'm foggy. The rain is falling and I am waiting for UPS. I
got out yesterday for a while and had another late evening energy surge. But
I thought I was tired enough to sleep, I went to bed and tossed about until
12:30. Then I read for a while. I may be a bit depressed. I keep crying over
music or commercials or moments on Oprah. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I went to <a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm" target="_blank">Caroline
Casey's </a>solstace show last night. She really is just the coolest, funny,
political, spiritual and kooky. She used the story of <a href="http://www.encyclopedia.com/printablenew/12837.html" target="_blank">Sheherezade
</a>to describe the value of story telling. Great encouragemant for writers
and wanna be writers. I really wish I could just transcibe the whole thing.
It was the longest night of the year. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
went with Deb and we had dinner at <a href="http://bayarea.citysearch.com/profile?id=1025805" target="_blank">Oliveto's</a>
first. It was an extravigance but I love eating there. The food is always simple
and perfect. I had a plate of roasted beets topped with ricotta salada and roast
hen. Deb had sword fish and when the two plates arrived, my hen and her fish,
they looked so much alike. I found this disturbing. I don't know why. They both
had simple green herb and oil sauces. I don't know. The chicken was a bit dry,
cut that thin it would be hard not to have it be dry. I shouldn't complain.
It was great food. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">The
guy on the radio just saaid we had some light rain to deal with today. But it's
splatting against my window. It does not sound light. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
23 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
Jeane & Chris came up and took me out to lunch at Mario's. I showed
them the SIMS and we got quite hooked into it for a while, as usual. It's such
an addiction. It was great fun to be with them. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
watched Face Off on television last night. I don't like to watch movies on television
because they show more and more commercials once they have you hooked into the
movie. And I'm not really into the action/adventure thing. But, I was a bit
interested in the idea of the actors playing each other, playing characters.
And once you get hooked into a plot it is harder to break away. I just hate
the amount of destruction in these movies. In this one there were these two
speedboats, and a pier, and a few buildings blown to bits, and there were two
guys that fell from high places to their death, numerous others shot. All the
while the hero survives ridiculous things and his tactics, in terms of catching
the bad guy, begin to look a lot like the bad guys tactics. And I don't
like the notion of absolutely bad guy against absolutely good guy. It was almost
interesting watching the "good" guy trying to operate in the bad guys
world. But, not so much. The strength of these actors, and the supporting actors,
made the movie interesting. But it didn't add up to anything. I probably should
have been reading. </font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
25 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
<span style="font-size:12pt;"> I'</span></font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">ve been totally resistant to the notion of Christmas,
this year, but I have been thinking about aspects of the Christmas stories.
There are two that operate within my own personal ways of making meaning. The
notion that god wants to participate in the world; in the Jesus story it is
represented in patriarchal terms. God participates by incarnating, experiencing
a humble birth, an average childhood, and a violent death.</font><span style="font-size:12pt; mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"> </font><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">But because of immaculate conception and resurrection,
we understand that god retains the will of that which operates outside of the
rules. </span></span></span></span></font></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And then there�s Santa Claus.
Another guy who operates outside of the rules. I am reading </span></font><i><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Incidents in the
Life of a Slave Girl</span></font></i><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> by Harriet Jacobs, in which she talks about, as a run
away slave, making cloths for her children while in a hiding place in the house
where they live. They don�t know she is there. The next day she peers through a
hole in the wall and watches them play in their new cloths. She hears a child
tell them that there is no Santa Claus; that mother�s put the new cloths out.
But, they are confident when they say, but our mother is gone and we got cloths,
so there must be a Santa. </span></font></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">The same thing happened to me. I
believed in Santa Claus a year longer than most of my friends because I got a
doll that I believed my mother didn�t have the money to buy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
26 2001</b></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
</font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
had dinner with Kobi & Kara. Kobi made salmon, cous cous, bok choy, and
this mushroom sauce that was sooooooo good. And Panne Cotte with champagne grapes!
Lovely. </span></span></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I'm
extremely fortunate in friends. Karen always makes sure I have something to
open on Christmas. This year I got a fat mermaid ornament and a box of candy.
Jane sent me a beautiful, purple scarf. Renee made me a lovely plate and Rick
brought me cookies, Irish Mist and a CD of new pickPocket ensemble music. Kara
and Kobi gave me a spice grinder from Turkey and a music compellation disk.
Marilyn got me spices from Dean & Delucca and hair tyes. Debbie made cookies
and candy and her mom sent me a basket full of home made jams. Jeane got me
a book about cowgirls. Kristina sent an OED word of the day calendar and a magnetic
poetry key chain. And my mom sent popcorn and a box of little ornaments.
I mean really, who needs Santa Claus?</span></font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
27 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><a href="http://www.oprah.com" target="_blank">Oprah</a> did a <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20011031.jhtml" target="_blank">show</a>
in which people who had immigrated to the US talked about how wonderful it is.
They talked about the terror of life in their countries and the opportunity
they had here, especially in terms of education. It was a touching show but
I kept thinking I'd like to be watching it with <a href="http://www.zmag.org/chomsky/" target="_blank">Noam
Chomsky</a>. I'd like to be able to ask him about US complicity in the destabilization
of the countries from which they fled. I'm glad that people come here. I welcome
anyone. I am aware that I am the child of immigrants. But, I'd like to see all
the countries of the world able to feed, house and educate their people. A repetitive
statement in the show was ... in America you can be anything you want to be.
Well, maybe. But we have had homeless folks. We have people who do not get opportunity.
We have people who immigrate and do not end up in Harvard. We need to see our
country clearly in order to love it. </span></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">There
is one thing Oprah is pushing these days that I am moved by. She had <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20011019_b.jhtml" target="_blank">Mattie
Stepanek
</a> on one day. This is kid is a joy. And he asked her to pray for him
because he has a sore on his head that isn't healing. So, she has launched a
prayer circle. Pray, visualize, just think a good thought for him. He's pretty
cool. </span></font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
28 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
</font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
My good fortune continues. Lynn came up yesterday and gave a massage and some
acupuncture. As a result I'm feeling pretty good today.</span></span></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">Rick,
Renee and I went to see <i> <a href="http://www.abeautifulmind.com/" target="_blank">A
Beautiful Mind</a> </i>last night which is a wonderful film, redemptive and
thought provoking.</span></font></span></p>
<P align="justify"><FONT face="Abadi MT Condensed,Arial" color=#333333><span style="font-size:12pt;">The
old is dying and the new cannot be born;
in this interregnum there arises a great diversity of morbid symptoms.
--Antonio Gramesci <i>Prison Notebooks</i></span></FONT></P>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><b>December
29 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
</font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">
I keep thinking about the movie,<i> <a href="http://www.abeautifulmind.com/" target="_blank">A
Beautiful Mind</a>. </i>It makes a strong case for the power of the mind when
it operates with the heart. I'm wary of giving away too much of the plot but
I keep wondering about what each character represents. I guess I think we all
form notions of the things we are and the things we need from others. In <a href="http://www.visionaryactivism.com/default.htm" target="_blank">Caroline'</a>s
solstice talk she talked about being who you think you need. So, it become a
task of integrating those notions of "others". This is all a bit abstruse
if you haven't seen the movie, and maybe if you have. </span></span></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed">Renee
and I spent the day idling. It was raining, she's been working on college apps
on line and I was reading <i><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/books/97/11/02/home/coetzee-barbarians.html" target="_blank">Waiting
For The Barbarians</a>.</i> It is a well written and disturbing book and
it is the last of my assigned books for next semester. Now, I can read
anything I want!!! I have enjoyed all the reading but I'm thinking I'm going
to read something ....nice. </span></font></span></p>
<h1 align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><b>December
30 2001</b></font></span></h1>
<p align="justify"><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
</font><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">
I started fooling around with another site design. It might behoove me to pay
more attention to the content and less to the decor. I keep sleeping badly and
then I wake up tired and can't get out of bed or think clearly. Perhaps I need
to switch to writing at night. I love having the morning quiet time, breakfast
and writing. But, I'm not exactly inspired lately. </span></span></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span style='font-size:14.0pt;mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:AGaramond'><span style="font-family:AGaramond; font-size:12pt; mso-bidi-font-size:12.0pt;"><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light">I
spent yesterday loading CD's into my computer and trying to put together something
to burn. It is kinda fun, making a playlist. Toni Morrison and <a href="http://www.c-spanstore.com/c-spanstore/167738.html" target="_blank">Noam
Chomsky</a> were both on <a href="http://www.c-span.org/" target="_blank">CSPAN</a>.</span></font></span></p>
<P><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">12
30 01 5:00PM</span></font>
</P>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
eating St.Andre and pretzels. Doesn't that seem like the sacred
and the profane? </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
got caught up blogging all day. Read some great on line journals.
There was a young woman who described her day of sleeping, showering,
eating and journaling. Made me laugh!! I get so worried that
I'm not being facinating enough. There's a whole thing called
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/" target="_blank">Live Journal</a>
filled with people, just writing their lives. Two of my favorites
were <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/chubbycherybomb/" target="_blank">chubbycherybomb</a>
and<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/lusciousdame/" target="_blank">
lusciousdam</a>e. I really spent hours doing this while listening
to <a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segID=1679&schedID=103" target="_blank">Shelby
Foote</a> and <a href="http://www.booktv.org/feature/index.asp?segID=1144&schedID=103" target="_blank">Studs
Terkel </a> on <a href="http://www.booktv.org/" target="_blank">Book
TV</a>. Despite the feeling that I was spending an enourmous
amount of time doing nothing in particualr, which I suppose
was an acurate feeling, I felt like it was a worthy activity.
I found a photo log, <a href="http://www.common-threads.org/" target="_blank">Common
Threads</a>, on which I got this photo. If you click on it you
go to the web site of the photographer.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Footlight MT Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> <a href="http://blog.orangeclouds.org/" target="_blank"><img src="rosesmanhattan-121501.jpg" width="350" height="263" border="0"></a></span></font></p>
<p> <font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><span style="font-size:12pt;">My
favorite find was <a href="http://www.myvag.net/" target="_blank">All
About My Vagina</a>. Although <a href="http://www.nickbantock.com/Games/Sage.html" target="_blank">Sage</a>
would be a close second. And then Kam sent this <a href="http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/" target="_blank">link</a>.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed"><span style="font-size:12pt;">It
all started because I was trying to think up a new design.
</span></font></p>
<P><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">12
31 01 10:06AM</span></font>
</P>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I'm
such an obsessive. Once I started playing with the pages ...
I couldn't stop!! I joined a web ring. Gulp. This is tiptoeing
into the fray. I mean, maybe. It means that people I don't know
may stop by to read the site. Gulp, again. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">People
whose sites mention books that they are reading often link to
Amazon. Well, I do order from Amazon, but they are the behemoth
of book buying. So, I'm linking to <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0316548189&music=&buyable=0" target="_blank">A
Clean Well Lighted Place For Books</a>. It's a local store.
It's a token gesture against corporate dominace. Mandela's autobiography is not assigned
for the class, I bought it because I couldn't find the assigned
book, <i> No Easy Walk To Freedom, </i>a smaller book of
his letters. But, I've always wanted
to read the autobiography and it's great. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">And
I gave up on using the <a href="http://www.oed.com/" target="_blank">OED</a>
word of the day in a sentence very day. It just got too goofy.
But I put a link to the word. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I
haven't resolved the problem of when to write, morning or evening.
Evening won't work when school starts. But, I'm still having
the problem of not sleeping at night and not being able to wake
up in the morning. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">I love all the sum-up-the-year
shows. Of course, the year is bifurcated by 9/11 and the sum
ups are rhetorical. My own year is signified by getting into
the MFA program. I've needed a job all year, now more than ever.
I work hard at school, but I'm not used to not having a job.
Neither is my bank account. But, I've been lucky to have the
time to really work on writing. And I've kept this page going.
I've redesigned and fussed and toyed with and written a little
sumin, sumin, every day, almost.Pretty cool. I feel gratitude.
I feel dread. The future seems uncertain and intriguing. </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Abadi MT Condensed Light"><span style="font-size:12pt;">Peace.</span></font></p>
<p><FONT face="Abadi MT Condensed,Arial" color=#333333><span style="font-size:12pt;">I would like to achieve the kind of radiance that can bring
about nonviolently what other people might have to do violently. -
Simone
Weil</span></FONT><P> </P>
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