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<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span><span style="font-size:9pt;"><input type="checkbox" name="targetbox" id="tcheck"
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<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>June
2004</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e785" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e785"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e785"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ya
know. By the way. In case anyone wonders. I am not a
Buddhist. I don't even play one on TV. I had a few years
of <a href="http://religiousmovements.lib.virginia.edu/nrms/nichiren.html">Buddhist
practice</a> way back. I loved the ritual. I loved the
smell of incense in my hair. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways my life has been a religious studies program.
In my book I write about how my search for a better
relationship with God was really a search for a better
relationship with my father. And once I met <a href="http://www.junglee.org.in/babaji1.html">Baba</a>
that search felt satisfied. When my dad died I knew
that search had never been satisfied. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Whiskey
River posted <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004/07/if-you-have-beautiful-voice-dont-think.html">a
bit from Thich Nhat Han.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">We are one in a stream of life. To think that you are a separate
entity, that you are a self that can be independent from your father,
is a very funny thing. Because your father is inside you, you can never
get rid of him. There is no alternative except to reconcile with your
father. To reconcile with him means to reconcile with yourself. The
other person, it might not be your father, he may be your brother or
your spouse or anyone. You think that he or she has made you suffer so
much, has made your life miserable. There is a tendency in you never to
see him again, to hear from him again or from her again.
</span></font></td>
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<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Was
I reconciled with my father? In some ways. In the big
soul kind of way. I had more or less accepted him for
who he was. I called him on Father's Day and Christmas
and his birthday. I almost always hung up and wept.
It's not simple. I don't blame him for making me suffer.
But I did suffer. When I am at the pool I watch father's
playing with their children. Teaching their daughters
how to swim. I know that I don't have a sense of what
that feels like. The feeling of having a man who is
there, loving you and teaching you and delighting in
you. It feels like missing information. It feels like
something I have to learn on my own. I feel lost to
it. There's a laundry list of things about who I am
many of which can be filed in the was-not-fathered file.
Not all of which are bad. Basically. For the most part.
I like who I am. I'm always working under the hood but
I do like who I am. So it's all good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not really. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no doubt in my mind that my father is inside me.
No doubt. He lives there as an object of desire. An
absence. I feel the need to apologize for the hole he
left in me. I feel like it shows. I feel like it causes
problems. I feel like I have to find a way to fill it
up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the big soul way of looking at it all I am a narrative
line that will trail off. I will leave photos and words
on a page and a bunch of stuff that will be distributed
to ... oh I don't know. Anyone want some salt and pepper
shakers? In the big soul way of looking at things he
was a fatherless boy. No one there to teach him how
to do the job. How can I blame him? I can't. I love
him too much. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I read a story, written by a father, about a tantrum
a child was having just as the family was about to leave
the house. It was an inconvenient time to have to deal
with the need of a child. But the whole family sat down
and listened to the child's complaint. Apparently that
was all it took. A few minutes of listening and the
child was comforted and willing to move on. The story
stayed with me all these years. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No
doubt because I am trying to teach myself to swim, but
I am always wondering about the times when we need to
have a tantrum. My feeling is that no child has a tantrum
for no good reason. I understand negative attention
getting. But, really, children cry for a reason. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
my feelings of loss are so overwhelming. I can't imagine
how I'm going to take the next breath. But I do. Or,
rather, my body does it for me. My body eventually sucks
in oxygen. With or without my conscious agreement. And
sometimes I wish I could have one time with my father
in which he could have taken my hand in his and said,
"I'm sorry." It wouldn't have had to taken
a lot of time. No pillory. No trial. Just a moment of
acknowledgement between humans. A moment to pay attention
to what didn't go well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
take refuge in ideas. And the beautiful hearts I find
everywhere. I take refuge in the way we work to express
it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
It is not simple. Things do go wrong. We make holes
in one another. It's Sunday morning and I am churchless,
fatherless and my spiritual practice involves lots of
clicking on hyperlinks. We are one in a stream of life.
But we are also many. Reconciliation is a process. Best
done heart to heart. And often left to philosophy. Sometimes
the family grabs the kid and drags them out the door.
Sometimes the family leaves the kid behind. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just trying to understand how to do two things at the
same time. Reconcile with my father and still tell the
truth. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1085)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1085"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e786" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e786"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e786"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:45
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just chin stroking today. Chin stroking is usually done
by people with beards, I suppose. But that's the way
I'm feeling. Chin stroking. Ponderous. Wondering about
my place in the whole what-ever-it-is-that's going on.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
usual, Monday bring the tension of finding a job into
focus. It isn't that I don't pick through job sites
over the weekend but I don't feel the tension in the
same way. And writing? I certainly could write over
the weekend and often do. When the tension of needing
to look for a job is lifted the blood flows back into
my head and I actually can write. Sometimes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I was cooking yellow beans. They were pale and
beautiful and I wanted to find a way to write about
them. I wanted to commemorate them. I blanched them.
Hot water and then into ice water. The ice water stops
the cooking process and the beans stay crunchy. They
also retain their color and I was so intoxicated by
the pale yellow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
how my blog gets written. Something becomes vivid and
I want to point to it and say, look. In some ways, it's
easier to write about pale yellow beans than the machinations
of my inner life. Especially when my inner life isn't
... mmm ... how should I say this? Seemly? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been introduced to some new blogs recently. I'm enjoying
getting to know new people. Some of them seem quite
dear. Many of them are heart wide open. I find myself
feeling a bit shy and yet trenchant. It's the way I
feel at a party. Part of me want to be nice and make
small talk and part of me want to act out. I don't go
to parties. I don't like the way there are things that
aren't being talked about but hang in the room like
balloons that are losing helium and falling. Slowly.
My awareness of the things that are being said and the
things that aren't being said is messing with my writing.
I want to talk about the balloons. I'm reading these
new people with an odd hyper vigilance. My teeth chewing
my lip. Wondering. Some of this is because of how I
found them and some of this about events in June in
which I felt stung and has nothing to do with any of
them but has everything to do with the nature of relationships
forged online and some of this is because of the
dang balloons.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I am chin stroking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to turn my thoughts to the job search. I need to
think about submitting more writing. I need to make
another push to find a publisher for <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">Avoirdupois</a>.
I need to do laundry and clean the apartment and go
the store and call Barbara and ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I'm clicking. And reading. And chewing my lip.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Relationships
will be what they will be. I'll stumble along. Smiling
and acting out and sometimes finding myself heart to
heart. I know that there's no way to know someone, until
you know them. And even then there are surprises. I'm
just wondering about my part in it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1086)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1086"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e787" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e787"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e787"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="227">
<tr>
<td width="221"><div class="title">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://volokh.com/posts/1090520235.shtml">WATCH IT, FATSO:</a>
As someone who believes your right to overeat ends where my airplane seat begins
...</span></font></div>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
begins <a href="http://volokh.com/posts/1090520235.shtml">a post.</a> <a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/archives/001354.php">Paul has blogged
it</a>. <a href="http://www.redpolka.org/blog/archives/001578.html">April has blogged it.</a>
I've
been thinking about it. There's
just so much to say. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been remembering a time when
I was flying. I go to great
lengths to not be a problem
to anyone when I am flying.
I've been remembering a trip
on which I was sitting in a
row of three seats. There was an empty seat between
me and the other person. I try to make sure I can sit
in a seat with a movable arm rest, on the aisle. I shift
my weight so that if I'm going to take up more than
my seat I am in the aisle. I get bumped by carts and
passersby but I deal with it. I travel on redeyes, or
during times when there may not be as many people traveling. If
the arm rests don't move. I just get squeezed. I pull
my arms tight across my chest. God forbid I touch anyone.
I get off airplanes so tense my body feels like it might
be made of granite. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
anyway. There was a seat between us and a movable armrest
so I was almost comfortable. The other person was
comfortable. I never eat on a plane. The food sucks.
I carry my own bottle of water. I read a book and try
to ignore all the images of crashing and burning that
are inevitably filling my head. The fellow in front
of me was leaning back and pulling forward and leaning
back again. The head rest of his seat was under my nose.
He stood in the aisle for awhile. The people across
the aisle from me actually leaned across and commented
on how annoying he must be to me and how nice I was
being. I was barely noticing him. I was too busy trying
not to annoy anyone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now,
if you read this story and you are fat you might relate.
You might have a similar story. If you are thin, or
average sized and my friend, or someone who reads me
and likes me, you might notice the part where I'm uncomfortable.
Your concern would be for me. But if you see me walking
down the aisle on an airplane headed towards your seat,
you might care less about my comfort. And I wouldn't
blame you. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Here's
what I wonder. I wonder why you're mad at me and not
the airlines. Seats are smaller than they used to be.
Asses may be bigger but seats are also smaller. The
space between seats is smaller. I realize that airlines
are struggling. I also realize that when the airlines
get bailed out my tax dollars are in that pot.
The right to access on means of transportation is written
into law. Whether or not we're comfortable isn't mentioned.
But don't you imagine that they can find a way for us
all to be comfortable? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
news flash. Even the medical community, knee deep in
diet and pharmaceutical industry money and pulling down
piles of cash sawing stomachs into barely functioning
organs will tell you that the size of my ass is not
just about how much I eat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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<tr>
<td width="321">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The thin already are forced to subsidize the fat anyway, via taxes and higher private insurance costs.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just never get this. The taxes part I really don't get.
The insurance rates part? Well. Again. Why aren't you
mad at the insurance companies? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="352">
<tr>
<td width="346">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">He also doesn't like the way upper-middle-class boomer parents, who
lead the public discussion, are loathe to talk about limiting
children's diets or making them exercise, lest kids end up anorexic or
with damaged self-esteem.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
often wonder how many kids are going to have extreme
eating disorders in the next few years. With the constant
hammering away from the media about how terrible it
is to be fat I'm imagining a rise in eating disorders.
And make no mistake. People die from eating disorders.
Even when they don't die they suffer damaged emotional
and physical health. How about if instead of talking
in terms of limiting we talk in terms of a fully engaged
relationship with food. If no kid ever walked into a
fast food restaurant again there would be no one happier
than I. Kids who hang out with me know that this
is the time of year to eat lots of heirloom tomatoes.
Unless you don't like tomatoes. In which case, let's
talk about peaches. Kids who hang out with me listen
to rants about the difference between real food
and crap food. Make kids exercise? How about if we stop
jamming them with Ritalin and telling them to sit still.
How about if we fund after school programs and school
sports. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="368">
<tr>
<td width="362">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">"Feminists and liberals have transformed a legitimate medical issue of
the poor into identity politics for the affluent," Greg told me, "which
I find the worst kind of narcissistic behavior." But he also lacks
patience with right-wing complaints about government intervention:
"Those libertarians who have all kinds of problems with government
programs about obesity are going to be crying their eyes out 20 years
from now," he added, when a fat and aging population brings with it
increased taxes and social burdens.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
guy is just not happy with any of us, is he? My
fat grandmother worked in her garden well into her seventies.
My fat mother goes swimming three times a week. Watch
out for me though. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
post was also was <a href="http://www.crookedtimber.org/archives/002231.html">linked
here</a> and the comments are worth reading. For awhile.
It all makes me tired. I can't even summon up the energy
to argue. I have no argument with the people who want
to take down the fast food companies. I have no argument
with the people who think we spend too much a time in
front of screens and in cars. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="401">
<tr>
<td width="395"><p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Greg is now fit and trim but used to be chubby. At school, he was
called Blimpboy and Skipper, after Gilligan's hefty pal. He only took
the weight off a few years ago, when a man yelled "Watch it, Fatso!" at
him for opening the car door into traffic.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">"On the one hand, he's a dick and I'd like to find that guy now,"
Greg recalled. "On the other hand, the social shaming worked." </span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
where my argument begins. If you see me on the street
and think yelling, "Watch out Fatso" is way
to make sure your taxes and your insurance rates are
low, think again. If you don't know me and you see me
on the street and decide that you think you know how
I eat and how much I exercise you're a bigot. When you
start rationalizing calling children names you're something
much worse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1087)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1087"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e788" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e788"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e788"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
movie channels that I didn't realize I had are not a
good thing. They are <a href="http://www.starz.com/">Starz</a>
channels. I never ordered them. The cable line up changes
from time to time and I don't always track it well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have the TV on, off to the side. I have the radio on
in the morning. <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
or <a href="http://www.kqed.org/">KQED</a> or <a href="http://www.kalw.org/">KALW.</a>
The TV is on much of the day. I listen to <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353">city
politics</a>, <a href="http://www.booktv.org/">Book
TV</a>, <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/">Moyers</a>,
the news channels. I have my <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">junk</a>
<a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/">television</a>
and I can watch reruns of the <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_West_Wing/index.html">West
Wing</a> again and again. But it's all off to the side.
I tune in and out. I leave the room and don't worry
about missing anything. I'm either reading on the screen
or from a book and the TV is off to the side. I do yoga
with the sound of public policy making. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
movie channels aren't easy to tune out and I've been
flipping them on, just to see what they're playing and
then I end up watching a movie. There are no commercials.
I think I'll just watch for a minute and suddenly an
hour has gone by. It's just not good. They run movies
for a few days in a row so you can tune in at a random
point and see the rest another day. I end up watching
the movies in patches. Generally speaking they aren't
great movies so it's not a problem to watch them that
way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
they were showing <a href="http://www.starz.com/se/ssp/schedule/grid_titleview.html?v=3017&e=-1&valid_services=lst1">The
Accidental Tourist</a>. It's one of my favorite movies
if only for the last scene. In the last scene there
is an expression on William Hurt's face that I could
look at forever. He's really happy to see someone. And
there is this deep recognition in his expression. It's
like he sees the person in a way that calms him to his
core. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ahhhhhh.
It's you. What a relief. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched the last twenty minutes of the movie so that
I could see that expression. I've seen a few movies
that I would not have seen. Movies that weren't so bad.
But I get sucked it. It's not good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing about music is that I can't tune it out. If I
have music on I'm listening to it. And I do. When I
cook or clean I listen to music. I listen to music in
the evenings. Adrienne (who I just want to hug) read
my post <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e756">about
Steve</a> and realized that since I've been unemployed
I probably didn't have my own copy of the new disc.
So she bought me one and I've been listening to it.
It's so good! Steve wrote to say that three people bought
a disc because of the post. Thank you! I'm so happy
to turn people on to <a href="http://www.steveconn.com/music/index.html">his
music.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Silence
is good. I probably need more silence. It's just that
I've been in this struggle with fear and loathing and
loss. I know I am using the noise to distract me from
the fear and loathing and loss. It doesn't really work.
And it's the movies that really bring that home. I watched
twenty minutes of a movie I'd already seen just to see
the expression on a man's face. An expression of deep
recognition and relief. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1088)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1088"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e789" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e789"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e789"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure why I'm doing this. But <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">Cyndy</a>
said to do it. So I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="380">
<tr>
<td width="374"><h3 align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://novaspivack.typepad.com/nova_spivacks_weblog/2004/08/a_sonar_ping_of.html">Testing Meme Propagation In Blogspace: Add Your Blog!</a></span></font></h3>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">This posting is a community experiment that tests how a meme,
represented by this blog posting, spreads across blogspace, physical
space and time. It will help to show how ideas travel across blogs in
space and time and how blogs are connected. It may also help to show
which blogs (and aggregation sites) are most influential in the
propagation of memes. The dataset from this experiment will be public,
and can be located via Google (or Technorati) by doing a search for the
GUID for this meme (below).</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The original posting for this experiment is located at: </span></font><a href="http://novaspivack.typepad.com/nova_spivacks_weblog/2004/08/a_sonar_ping_of.html"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Minding the Planet</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
--- results and commentary will appear there in the future. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Please join the test by adding your blog (see instructions,
below) and inviting your friends to participate -- the more the better.
The data from this test will be public and open; others may use it to
visualize and study the connectedness of blogspace and the propagation
of memes across blogs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The GUID for this experiment is: </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(shorter version of GUID: as098398298250swg9e ) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(Note: the original GUID, of which the above GUID is the first
19 characters, was too long to format nicely in some blog layouts, so
we've decided to replace it with a shorter GUID. For reference, the
longer GUID is comprised of the following segments put together into a
single 72 character string with no spaces between them:
as098398298250swg9e 98929872525389t9987 898tq98wteqtgaq6201
0920352598gawst -- they are displayed here as different segments so
that they will format nicely even in narrow column layouts.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(the above GUID(s) enable anyone to easily search Google or
other search engines for all blogs that participate in this experiment,
once they have indexed the sites that participate, which may take
several days or weeks. To locate the full data set, just search for the
any sites that contain either the short GUID or the long GUID.) Anyone
is free to analyze the data of this experiment. Please publicize your
analysis of the data, and/or any comments by adding comments onto the
original post (see URL above). (Note: it would be interesting to see a
geographic map or a temporal animation, as well as a social network map
of the propagation of this meme.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">INSTRUCTIONS</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">To add your blog to this experiment, copy this entire
posting to your blog, and then answer the questions below, substituting
your own information, below, where appropriate. Other than answering
the questions below, please do not alter the information, layout or
format of this post in order to preserve the integrity of the data in
this experiment (this will make it easier for searchers and automated
bots to find and analyze the results later).</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">REQUIRED FIELDS (Note: Replace the answers below with your own answers)</span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(1)
I found this experiment at URL: http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/</span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(2) I found it via my
blogroll. </span></font></p>
<p align="left" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(3) I posted this experiment at URL: http://www.fatshadow.com </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(4) I posted this on date 03/08/04</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(5) I posted this at time (24 hour time):
I can't do 24 hour time. But it's 2:25PM.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(6) My posting location is (city, state, country): San Francisco, California, USA</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">OPTIONAL SURVEY FIELDS (Replace the answers below with your own answers):</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(7) My blog is hosted by: Me.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(8) My age is: 51</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(9) My gender is: Grrrl</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(10) My occupation is: Uh...well.
Writing this.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(11) I use the following RSS/Atom reader software: I
might screw this one up and it's optional
so ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(12) I use the following software to post to my blog: I
use <a href="http://www.namo.com/">NAMO</a>
to build the page and post it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(13) I have been blogging since way
back in the early fifties. Oh. I'm kidding.
20/03/01. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(14) My web browser is: Netscape</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">(15) My operating system is: Windows ME</span></font></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://novaspivack.typepad.com/nova_spivacks_weblog/">The
guy</a> who started it says "it will help to show how ideas travel across blogs in space and time and how blogs are connected."
He's speaking in terms of the technical process. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I had a dream in which <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan</a>
and I were sleeping in a dorm. We were awakened by the
sound of someone crying and we were worried because
we thought it sounded like <a href="http://www.randomwalks.com/drublood/">Dru.</a>
You are all on my mind and in my dreams. That's how
we are connected. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1089)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1089"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e790" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e790"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e790"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
6<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when I out myself on the blog
about stuff I do, I don't do
it. I turned the TV off and
put on some music. The disc
player was loaded up. <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=1049328">Linda
Ronstadt,</a> which I put on
when she got kicked out of Vegas.
<a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=2853222">Cat
Stevens</a>, still on from the
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/July2004.htm#e777">Harold
& Maude evening</a>. <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=3062039">Todd.</a>
Been on there for awhile. The
reasons are not good. <a href="http://www.towerrecords.com/product.aspx?pfid=2629939">Nora</a>.
<a href="http://www.steveconn.com/music/index.html">Steve.</a>
(Thank you Adrienne.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
voice is shot. I have no upper
range. But it still feels good
to sing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Head
back. Eyes closed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been so miserable. And I knew I had to be less
miserable. So I worked really hard. It feels like I've
pulled myself onto a ledge and I've been pressed against
the wall. I can't really rest here. There's more climbing
to do. And I'm just pressed against the wall, trying
not to look down. Even music feels dangerous. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1090)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1090"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e791" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e791"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e791"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:53
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
has been going through her books
and packing for her move to
LA. I'm trying to be positive
about the move since I think
there are great things about
it for them. It just feels so
far away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got to go through the books
she is getting rid of and pick
the ones I wanted. I ended up
with four bags full of books.
Picture me dancing around the
room, drunk with books. That's
how I feel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
love to look at people's book shelves. It may be rude.
It may be true that I'm making judgments about a person
based on their books but it's also about looking at
titles and seeing if there are books I don't know. In
Kristina's case it takes a long time and there are many I
don't know. She reads more poetry than I do since she
is a poet. And she knows so much about who is writing
what. Her book shelves are like a library with all the
best stuff in one place. She also shares my preference
for hard backs. Some of the books in the four bags are
hard back editions of books I already have. Four bags
full. It makes me giddy. I feel drunk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went down to see her on Caltrain.
I ended up sitting backwards
on the way down so everything
was rushing away from me. Despite
the fact that <i><a href="http://us.penguingroup.com/Book/BookFrame/0,,,00.html?id=1594200114">A
Terrible Love</a></i><a href="http://us.penguingroup.com/Book/BookFrame/0,,,00.html?id=1594200114">
of War</a> has been in my side bar as a book I am currently
reading, the book has been sitting on my table untouched.
I saw Hillman on book TV talking about it and got it
with a gift certificate from Margaret. (Thank you Margaret.)
I took the book on the train. It's a long trip
so I had plenty of time to read. Hillman writes:</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="315">
<tr>
<td width="309">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="bookcopy" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">Our civilian disdain and pacifist horror�all the legitimate and
deep-felt aversion to everything to do with the military and the
warrior�must be set aside. This because the first principle of
psychological method holds that any phenomenon to be understood must be
sympathetically imagined. No syndrome can be truly dislodged from its
cursed condition unless we first move imagination into its heart.<br>
</font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought of <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000666.html#000666">Kurt's
morning verse</a>. Intellectually I hold the idea that
I need to see myself in the thing or person bringing
hate to my heart. I'm revolted by the hate in my own
heart and I'd like to ignore it. But it lives there.
How can I know myself if I don't look at it? The trick
I think is not look at it with contempt but rather with
a desire to understand. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
doesn't mean I don't want to vote Bush out of office
and see an end to war. I just don't want to make war
to end war. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
most difficult part of the book is the detailing of
how war like we have always been. Lists of wars and
genocide. Descriptions of atrocity and damage. But even
as Hillman pushes the detail in our face he sits back
and asks us to consider things in terms of how we hold
them. What does normal mean? Is war normal? What does
inhumane mean? He talks, as Jungians are wont to do,
about metaphor and archetype. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may write more about this. My head is full of thought.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I got off the train we went for coffee. There was a
man playing flute as we talked. People walked by. Beautiful
children and lovely senior couples. The people who
aren't at jobs. One woman stopped quite near us to adjust
her bag. She was wearing a leopard print jacket and
there was a tiger applique on her bag. I imagined her
in an apartment full of faux fur and wild cat figurines.
I wondered what would be on her bookshelves. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
we went to the condo for the book festival. It was like
Santa opening his bag and saying, "Take what you
want." Four bags full. Have I mentioned that? I
am drunk with books. <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-0670849413-0">Borges</a>
and <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0679434550-0">Lopez</a>
and a book about <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1582433119-0">Sontag
and Kael</a> and so much more. I am dancing around the
room. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
had a <a href="http://www.mysantanarow.com/cgi-bin/pub9990110809486.cgi?itemid=9990113261814&action=viewad&categoryid=9980113236000&page=1&placeonpage=3&totaldisplayed=10">wonderful
lunch</a>. Carnitas and nopales. Plantains and jicama.
Drank Mojitos. I flirted with our effusive waiter, Jason
and was over come with the need to speak in my not very
good Spanish. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
train ride home was faster. We were skipping stops.
I read more Hillman. I was facing the city as we came
back in. I love that feeling when you see the first
landmarks signaling you are almost home and then the
vista opens and there is the city. Glittery and tall.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was home in time for <a href="http://www.upn.com/shows/amish_in_the_city/">Amish
in the City</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Belly
full. Head full. Heart full. Still on the ledge but
fortified for the rest of the climb. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1091)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1091"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e792" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e792"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e792"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
so happy. I went to see if <a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/">Rana</a>
had watched <a href="http://www.upn.com/shows/amish_in_the_city/">Amish
in the City</a> and she had
taken this <a href="http://similarminds.com/leader.html">test</a>.
Rana finds the best tests. <a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/2004/08/leader_quiz.html">Rana
is Gandhi.</a> At first I wanted
to be Gandhi. But guess who
I am?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="189">
<tr>
<td width="183" height="21">
<p><a href="http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/leader.pl"><img src="Che.jpeg" width="190" height="280" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't been this happy since
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March03.htm#e152">it
turned out I was Eugene Debs</a>.
But it is also odd in light
of <a href="http://us.penguingroup.com/Book/BookFrame/0,,,00.html?id=1594200114">my
reading</a> yesterday. Gandhi
or Che? Hmmm. Gandhi is
big for me. But Che? Che makes
my heart beat faster. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like to think that I would rather
be killed than kill. But I know
that the body responds. I don't
know how I would react in violent
situation. And I know that if
someone were trying to hurt
someone I loved my reaction
would be aggressive. At this
point in my life I'd be more
useful in a pacifist political
movement than in a mountain
revolution. But I have to admit.
There is romance in revolution.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">War
by any other name... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a woman on the train yesterday
talking on her cell phone. Loudly.
I thought about all the times
in the day when people were
annoying. The car that moved
too slow out of the parking
space or wouldn't let us into
the lane. The woman in the grocery
store, blocking the lane. We
get on each other's nerves.
We arrive in each other's day
at inopportune moments and
want things from each other.
Things that aren't easy to want
to give. When I've worked in
service jobs like waitress I've felt such rage at people's
demand on me and my invisibility. Spend one year
of your life being a wait-person or a sales clerk.
It will change the way you see people. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
are so estranged from one another. The first brother
of the world struck down his own because he couldn't
get the approval he wanted from dad. And I am trilled
to be a guerrilla leader fighting a righteous cause.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember hearing Bruce Cockburn in concert right after
he wrote <i><a href="http://cockburnproject.net/songs&music/iiharl.html">If
I had a Rocket Launcher</a></i><a href="http://cockburnproject.net/songs&music/iiharl.html">.</a>
Suddenly it seemed to me he knew where the lions were.
And he was taking aim. I felt sad. And yet I loved the
song. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
too true. Dying tragically on a mountain does appeal
to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am going to get off this ledge. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
maybe I'll learn to spin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1092)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1092"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e793" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e793"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e793"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:37
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wednesday
night I had a dream in which I was living in a hippie
commune farm kind of a place with Viggo Mortenson and
Bette Midler. I had just woken up (in the dream) and
walked into the yard in my nightgown and big snow boots.
Viggo had a tray on which was a croissant and some coffee
that he was bringing me. He said, " Go get back
in bed."</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
laughed and ran back to bed but I passed the kitchen
table and Viggo and Bette were kissing. Bette followed
me to the bed room and said. "Are you getting back
in bed so Viggo can visit you? " I said, "
What is he to me?" He was in the shower next to
us and he heard me say it. Bette put her hand on my
face and smeared me with paint. She said something about
us all covering our bodies in paint and playing but
she called me Trish. I don't like it when people call
me Trish. I said I was going to call her Betty
but she just laughed and ran off to play. I curled up
in bed to cry. Viggo came in with a bowl of warm water
and a wash cloth and began to wash my face. In this
very tender but insistent manner. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I woke up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
know there will be people who think me quite mad but
I've never thought Viggo was attractive. Oh but now
I do. I thought about him all day yesterday. I may join
a cult. Is there a cult? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
hate it when you wake up right at the sweet part. I
was wishing I'd dream about him again last night. But
no. I am wondering about it in Jungian terms. Can't
say I'm coming up with much. Maybe it was just wish
fulfillment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Insistent
tenderness? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yeah.
Probably it was wish fulfillment. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1093)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1093"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e794" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e794"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e794"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
had all four wisdom teeth taken out. So she's staying
with me and my gazzillion channel television. The narcotic
trance of screen is a welcome distraction from her sore
jaw. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
stocked up on things that didn't need to be chewed.
I made ginger carrot soup and mushroom barley soup.
I blended both so that they can be sipped. Today I'm
making corn chowder.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not as big a deal as we thought it might be. I thought
she might be groggy. She's fine. Especially right after
she takes her Vicodin. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We're
watching <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104685/">The
Last Days of Chez Nous</a> and eating blueberries and
yoghurt. Me from a bowl. Mine with a spoon. Her from
a glass. Her's blended. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a tucked in kind of a day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1094)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1094"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e795" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e795"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e795"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
seen <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104685/">The
Last Days of Chez Nous</a> before. It's not a great
movie but the acting is great and there are interesting
themes.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
assumption about relationship is that hurt will happen.
Not because I think people are mean, or bad inherently.
I just think shit happens. For me everything turns on
what happens after the hurt. All I need is presence
and communication and I can let go of tons. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I know it's hard for some people to find words. Sometimes
it is for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing I have a hard time with is when someone can't
hold a part of what's gone wrong. There are times when
what's a great thing for one person really hurts another.
There are times when we say things and we don't mean
to be insensitive but we are. All I ever need is to
hear that the person knows how hard it is for me. Trying
to make me feel like I'm crazy isn't a good idea. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a character in the film who is fumbling through life.
All questions and doubts. I can relate. But she is not
able to hold her fumbles. She can't just cop to fucking
up. And one a way of looking at things, she didn't really
fuck up. She just needed attention. I just wanted her
to say that she knew what was happening was causing
her sister pain but it was making her very happy. And
she wanted to know what she could do to bridge that
distance.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Obviously
the movie plugs me in. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1095)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1095"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e796" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e796"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e796"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Look
at <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/2004_08_01-15_archives.html#08.06.2004">this
picture</a> and then look at <a href="http://blueridgeblog.blogs.com/blue_ridge_blog/2004/08/in_a_fog.html">this
one</a>. And then come back and tell me how to find
a place that looks just like both of them so that I
can take a walk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1096)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1096"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e797" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e797"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e797"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:35
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
the song starts</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
imagine them dancing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sure they are beautiful together.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
swings her and she spins.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
fire ignites in my heart</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
I have no choice but to</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">let
it burn. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
quit trying to reason. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am burned into ash. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
wind blows the ash </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">across
the floor</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">into
corners.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am scattered and meaningless.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
the song stops </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel the weight of the book.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am more aware of myself</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">as
solid mass</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">than
I have ever been. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am dense and meaningless.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
cannot support the weight </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">of
the book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is too sad anyway. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Like
everything else. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1097)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1097"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e798" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e798"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e798"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:35
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
cutest part of the day was when Renee realized that
one hour after she took the Vicodin the world was a
wonderful place to be. Where I can spend the day in
a dark room curled up and sulky she wanted to
open the blind and let in the light. As a general practice,
her diet is vegetation, almost vegan. But she eats everything.
Except tomatoes. She likes projects. The lay on the
futon watching television life isn't fun for her. And
really, after two episodes of Will and Grace in a row,
I feel warped. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
have watched a lot of home decorating shows and The
Simsons and we ate soup and mashed potatoes. I make
myself smashed potatoes. Cook them. Drain off the water.
Put some butter, salt and pepper and smash. Lumps and
peel are fine. But for Raybay I peeled them and
heated milk and butter in a separate pan. I wished for
a <a href="http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/601-7451525-6715320?asin=B00029OQ8G">ricer.</a>
The way to get lump free mashed potatoes is almost over
cook them. But I never can. I like chew in my food.
The more you mash potatoes the mote the starch comes
out. If you add the milk and butter too soon and keep
mashing the protein bind with the starch and they can
get glue like. If you put them through a ricer you get
smooth potatoes even when they are just cooked. So they
have substance and they are smooth. But I don't have
a ricer. And I'm not as patient as I could be. So the
potatoes had a few lumps. Not that anyone was complaining.
It's just funny how cooking changes for me when I'm
doing it for even one more person. I want everything
to be perfect.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the first day the television was a welcome distraction
but yesterday we got tired of it. Renee says everything
is about people being mean to each other. Twice yesterday
we turned off the TV and read.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just enjoying the time with her. Too soon she'll be
back at college. Sniff. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1098)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1098"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e799" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e799"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e799"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:38
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
apartment is the perfect size
for me. Sometimes I wish the
kitchen were a bit bigger but for the most part it's
just right. But when someone stays over I wish I had
another bedroom. Just because I feel like they'd be
more comfortable. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning the apartment feels big and empty. Which is
more about knowing that time is passing and things are
changing and Renee is growing and everyone is growing.
Am I growing? Some days I think I am. Not so much today.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not a big bad deal. I'm preoccupied with things like
laundry and cleaning up. I just feel a little mooky
and slow. And just a little lonely. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1099)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1099"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Already, as August moves on, the fog is thinning with each day. Come
September and October, the sun, unencumbered by the whims of fog, will
make up for lost time, bearing down with a hot vengeance that will wilt
and wither gardens and fill the skies with haze. Some days, that haze
will be thicker and more acrid from fires that will rage, as they do
every year, to the north or west of us. Still, here at the border of
sun and fog, where the winds patrol shifting borders, where strips of
land shrink and grow with tides that mix the salty waters of the ocean
with that of creeks from the mountains ... I feel in awe of so much
bounty.
- From <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000400.html#000400">Maria's
400th post.</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e800" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e800"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e800"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
a little bit drunk. To be clear, I'm not really, really
drunk. I don't think I'm up to really, really drunk
any more. I'd like to be. But. That ship has sailed.
Still. I'm always hoping that I will get really, really
drunk again. Act out. Be uncool. Off balance. I'm three
Bombay Sapphire martinis drunk. And I think the last
one was big. Like maybe there was some kind of unwritten
thing about lunch martinis being one size and dinner
martini things being another size and we were crossing
over from lunch to dinner. I'm tellin ya. The glass
was bigger. Really. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also ate a burger and fries. So. See. I'm not really,
really drunk. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
were at a <a href="http://www.fogcitydiner.com/">groovy
place</a> where everything is done just so. And when
the waiter handed us the desert menu I looked at but
all I really wanted was another drink. That's how I
ended up with the big glass. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I came home I thought I'd make another drink but I needed
to call Deb back and tell her what to take to a baby
shower and when I was done with that conversation drinking
more seemed like something that was going to take more
energy than I had available to me. But I kept thinking
I must have something to say. I was feeling profound.
And a little wounded. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
glow is dimming and I've lost the profundity. Which.
May turn out to be a good thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1100)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1100"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e801" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e801"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e801"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:14
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
stopped subscribing to Utne awhile back. In part because
I don't have money and in part because I think the magazine
changed, got thinner and more glossy. It's kind of the
USA Today of progressive media. When <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
and I were in the book store I saw an Utne with an article
on blogging, so I bought it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
bugs me that Utne isn't more generous with their articles
on line. You'd really think they might want to put it
where it could be linked. But no. It is, however, available
on the <a href="http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0409/essay.php">Village
Voice web site</a>. It was originally published there.
I didn't get much from the piece but some of it made
me laugh. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="286">
<tr>
<td width="280">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I am no longer getting work done. I am not sleeping enough or eating
enough or editing my barely solvent literary magazine, because the
aforementioned issues have made it a social imperative that I check up
on all the goddamn blogs every single day (and make comments) so that
people know I care about their lives/band/Cond� Nast.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That
made me laugh. Blogging relationships might be a good
thesis for a psychology student. Sometimes I sit with
a comment box open for a long time and can't find the
words. All I want to do is nod. There are so many people
in my blog roll about whom I have strong feelings, relationships
that have developed after a time of reading. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
blogs are so personal. I'm stunned at the intimate nature
of the writing. Other blogs don't seem to reveal much
about the person writing. And still I feel a relationship.
Maybe I need to sign up for a psyche program somewhere.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1101)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1101"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e802" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e802"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e802"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
slept well for the first
time in awhile. I woke up dreaming about being on a
bus in <a href="http://www.boro.dormont.pa.us/">Dormont</a>
trying to find my way around from decade old memories.
There were friends helping me but they were from an
entirely different time in my life and I couldn't understand
how they knew anything about it. Still it was sweet
and I woke up feeling happy. I drifted back into another
dream in which thoughts were arranged by a hierarchy
of insects but then changed into butterflies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
you have a dream and it feels like a page from a text
book. And sometimes dreams are written in code and you
wake up with your eyebrows knit in effort. This one
just felt odd and yet, calming. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
spend so much time, waking and sleeping, trying to understand.
Sometimes you just hafta feel through. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1102)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1102"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e803" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e803"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e803"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:24
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>
brought me the four bags of books. OHMYGAWD. I think
there may have been entertainment value in watching
me trying to get them all on the shelf. I am surrounded
with books. It is lush.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
did our <a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/tonkiang/">Dim
Sum</a>/<a href="http://www.greenapplebooks.com/cgi-bin/mergatroid/index.html">Book</a>
combo ritual. Kristina bought me <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0670885797-0">a
book.</a> Four bags plus one. I just want to be
able to buy her everything on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0198611862/ref=wl_it_dp/103-3013860-2896666?%5Fencoding=UTF8&coliid=I7M476010UPLH&v=glance&colid=33SNM3BDMKLKY">her
wish list</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finished <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-1594200114-1">A
Terrible Love of War</a> and want to read it again but
there are now so many other books calling to me. When
I'm reading it my head roars with thought. I read parts
to Kristina on the way to dim sum. We are in a protracted
conversation about the problematic nature of forgiveness.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no one I can't forgive and nothing I won't forgive
in the big soul way of being with things. But I
need to have the moment of eye to eye recognition. I
need to hear that the person gets what happened. I don't
even need to hear a promise that it will never happen
again. I just need to hear the person say something
like ... I see how that sucked for you. I'm sorry it
did. Without that moment it's hard to want to be with
the person. I have a ... see you next time (assuming
there is a next time) attitude. I mean, either we are
going to come together again, or we aren't and some
of that is choice and some of it is the gods playing
with us. I'm always trying to understand when I have
to stretch myself to hold problems in a relationship
and when it's OK to ask the other person to meet me
in the effort. What if the other person isn't up to
it? How do you go on? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Hillman
writes about a man who saw his brother killed during
the Armenian genocide. As a pacifist he sought no
revenge but he was haunted by nightmares. Years later
he invited two Turkish men to his home and shot them.
His nightmares went away. So does that mean we need
revenge for peace of mind? The Armenian genocide is
rarely spoken about. When Hitler was asked if people
would remember what he was doing he said, "Does
anyone remember the Armenians? " I don't think
it was the act of killing that did away with his nightmares.
I think it was the feeling that his action would bring
attention and memory to what had happened. He called
the police and told them where he was and what he had
done. He wasn't trying to get away with anything. He
just wanted someone to share what he had witnessed.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
problem with pacifism is that you need to be able to
hold complexity and a faith in an ultimately fair universe.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
always brings me back to my fractured spiritual life.
Jeane sent me a <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-1577311523-4">couple</a>
of <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?isbn=1577311957">books</a>
for my birthday. I've been trying to read them. There
is a kind of lucidity in the notion of now. I know that
when I sit and repeat a mantra, or watch my breath,
or just try to be quiet, I feel an inner calm. Lately
it's been easier to use yoga and feel myself as stillness.
I can't seem to quiet my mind otherwise.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lot's
of abstract thinking. No conclusions. A belly full of
dim sum, a room full of books and heart full of questions.
A friendship ritual day with Kristina. Everywhere I
look I see books she has given me. I remember conversations
we've had about IT ALL. We'll have more. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
things are changing. It's late. My mind is spinning
and stalling. I need to talk. I need to sleep. I think
I'll take a book to bed and see how long my eyes stay
open. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1103)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1103"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e804" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e804"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e804"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
ate Armageddon dim sum yesterday. We ate dim sum like
we might never see it again. We walked out of the place
with boxes of the stuff, which we ate later and I'm
still eating today. If Armageddon had happened last
night I'd be the one with the last few pieces of dim
sum. And a hella buncha books.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.starz.com/">Starz</a>
has been playing the first two Lord of the Rings movies
back to back again and again. At almost any time of
the day or night you can watch the battle for Middle
Earth. Because I've been reading <a href="http://us.penguingroup.com/Book/BookFrame/0,,,00.html?id=1594200114">the
Hillman</a> I'm seeing the romancing of war in the movies.
Not to harsh on them but the endless battle scenes did
wear me out. Especially in the last one. Still, I get
sucked in by the ideas of fellowship, honor, mission,
yadda-yadda. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Way
back in high school I had a debate with a teacher about
being able to like everyone. Perhaps it's a Christian
notion. I believed for years that if I could talk with
someone long enough I could work through any problem.
I still think we can work through things but I think
it's a complicated process that takes time and presence
and time and ... did I mention time? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of my <a href="http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/series/TOS/episode/68714.html">favorite
episodes</a> of the original Star Trek was when Kirk
and his crew are battling Klingons to protect a planet
of pacifists. Eventually the leadership of the planet
say we just can't deal with you guys. Please go away.
And they make all the weapons too hot to touch. I LOVE
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
challenge Hillman is issuing is that we imagine why
we are seduced by war. It's not hard for me. I have
rage and hurt and a need for justice. Sometimes I feel
like I'm angry all the time. And. I'm sick of it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
There's always a but. What about that need for witnessing?
And acknowledgement of a wrong.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Meanwhile.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
Armageddon happens today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
you get a craving for some steamed shrimp dumplings.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Come
see me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1104)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1104"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e805" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e805"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e805"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:56
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/08/12/SAMESEX12.TMP">It
is sad.</a> And I would feel worse. But I'm telling
ya. It's just <a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/powazek.9904803?zoom=yes&refby=powazek">a
matter of time.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="245">
<tr>
<td width="239">
<p><a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/powazek.9904803?zoom=yes&refby=powazek"><img src="just married.jpg" width="240" height="240" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1105)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1105"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e806" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e806"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e806"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:48
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
like Friday the thirteenth.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Renee
was going to take me to get a shelf for the kitchen
</span></font>t<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">o
replace the one I pulled into the living room for the
books. I'd seen <a href="http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=12445628&">one</a>
in a sale ad. And <a href="http://siona.blogspot.com/">Siona</a>
was coming to visit. I thought Renee and I could shop
after my visit with Siona but Renee had plans.
And we thought we could get to the place for the shelf
and then to the train station in the time we had but
it was a little bit close. And we're both early birds.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.inetours.com/Pages/SFNbrhds/SOMA.html">SoMa</a>
can be hard to navigate. One false turn and you're on
the freeway. Despite the fact that she and I have both
lived in the city for years and I lived in SoMa
for the first two, we get quite lost down there. And
still we got the shelf and got to the station, found
Siona and headed back to my apartment. We had lunch
and talked and then Renee took Siona back to the train
station. It felt a bit whirl wind but also fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
only breached the third wall with one other <a href="http://www.allaboutgeorge.com/">blogger.</a>
I am actually kind of shy. It was great to meet Siona.
She's as smart and kind and beautiful as she seems on
her blog. I feel lucky to have had a bit of time with
her. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
whole week has been very social. It's been fun.
And. I sort of have the spins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1106)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1106"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e807" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e807"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e807"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:01
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I opened the back door this morning I saw a pigeon sitting
in the middle of the street. It's not unusual but there
was something defiant about his stance. I was charmed.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
the time you're fifty-one you really wanna hope you
don't crumble after a conversation with your mother.
But crumble I do. Mom is a child of her generation.
She thought going to college was the magic bullet. She
thought I'd have a job the day after graduation. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I first said I was going to college she wasn't that
supportive. I was in my mid-forties, working at a restaurant
in the evening. I went to three classes on Monday, one
on Tuesday and one on Wednesday morning. She thought
it was too much for me and I feared she might be right.
But I did it. Then I left the job and opened a coffee
cart at school. My work hours were off the scale. Three
and a half years later I had a BA. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
some ways I thought I was going to have a job the next
day too. But no.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mom
was proud. And yet. Six months later when I entered
the MFA program she was not too supportive. I had money
from selling the coffee cart to the school but it wasn't
going to last long. Half way through the program she
began to help me with money for the first time in my
adult life. She was thrilled when I graduated. When
she talks about me going to school she says that I woke
up and decided to get with it. In other words, everything
before I went to school was teenage rebellion and everything
after is me as a real person. There are ways in which
my whole life is a teenage rebellion. A BA in the
humanities and a MFA in writing isn't exactly grown
up. Not in her terms. She keeps talking about "the
companies." Can't I just knock on the door of "the
companies? " </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
of the things I like best about who I am she likes not
at all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night she went into a litany about how I should have
gone to school sooner. Maybe my worst fear about my
life is that my timing is all wrong. By the time we
were done talking I was flattened. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
and then there's the diet talk. She is on a diet. She's
been on a diet for most of her life, many of which were
liquid diets. She was on a liquid diet a few years ago.
She's seventy-eight. I can't think it's a good idea
for her to be on a diet. Her manner of eating is always
healthy. Lots of fruit and vegetables. Whole grains.
She eats chicken and fish and meat but she will often
just eat veggies. She likes sweets. She bakes. She says
that all she's doing is cutting calories. My feeling
is that she's doing Weight Watchers but who knows? She
also swims three times a week. Goes for walks. Is on
no meds. She's a really healthy person. When she talks
about the two pounds she's lost last week there is a
part of me that feels like she's saying I should do
it too.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
this is complicated. Once, years ago, when I was on
a diet and losing weight, she said I would get thin
and not like her anymore because she was fat. There
has always been a weird competitive thing coming from
her on how much I weigh. It's confusing for me. I know
she thinks I might not be getting a job because of my
weight and she might be right. She once told me that
I couldn't blame genetics for my weight because she'd
been fighting it all her life. I knew what she meant.
She meant that if you eat less and exercise more you
lose weight. The fact that she's always gained the weight
back doesn't mean she is genetically predisposed to
being fat; it means she was bad. She commits the great
sin of eating cookies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are times when I hang up the phone and I feel like I
must be defective. Somehow she convinces me. It's not
that she convinces me that being fat is about being
bad. She just convinces me that what ever it is that
I am, there's something off. I don't know how she does
it. When I feel like I need her it's always worse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I couldn't get to sleep. I was awake at five. I've got
two loads of laundry in the dryer and two more
in the wash. I'm trying to detox from the bad phone
call. I'm trying to remember that she is who she is.
I am who I am. It must be hard for her because she doesn't
know how to help me. She feels like her experience isn't
useful to me. And. In some ways. It isn't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
It's all so fraught. And it may be why I anthropomorphized
a pidgeon. I feel like I'm in the middle of a road.
Flattened. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1107)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1107"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e808" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e808"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e808"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:30
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I caught a germ or ate something bad but I felt terrible
all day yesterday. My joints hurt. My digestive system
was whacked. My nose was runny and my throat hurt. I
took a nap and had a terrible dream featuring my mom.
It all seemed horrifyingly metaphysical. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the evening I checked in and saw the comments. Thank
you. Took a deep breath and tried to relax. I turned
on the TV long enough to confirm what I suspected. There
wasn't anything on. But I saw a few minutes of <a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60001174&trkid=73">a
movie </a>in which an adult goes back to help himself
as a kid. I'm not sure how it happens. In the part I
saw the adult was helping the kid to understand and
reshape the events of his youth. Wouldn't that be nice?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
always been my idea of what inner work is all about.
Going back into the narrative of the things that shape
us and finding a new way to read it. And jeez I feel
Like I've made every effort to do a lot of rewriting.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
slept. A lot. I feel better. And. I still have laundry
to fold. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1108)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1108"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e809" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e809"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e809"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few nights ago I had a dream in which Donald Trump wanted
to give me money to open a restaurant. He was asking
me questions and I was trying to ignore him. The dream
stayed with me in part because it was weird and in part
because there are ways in which it would be a great
relief for me to be given money and told to open a restaurant.
I would just go to work. But I don't have the drive
to beg for the money. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
woke up thinking about Donald today. I was thinking
about how I really have no strong opinion about him.
I just don't care enough. His world is so not real for
me. It's mildly disturbing that he was in my dream.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
that idea of being given what you need to do something
that you want to do ... well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also woke up with a song in my head. It's Annie Lennox
singing and the hook is: I wanna be right by your side.
It has this sort of island feel to it. I've looked through
my discs and I can't find it. But it's a fun song. Makes
me feel like dancing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">All
of this makes me feel quite loopy. Maybe I've gone round
the bend. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1109)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1109"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e810" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e810"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e810"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:54
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I woke up with a pain in my side. It doesn't hurt when
I'm still. It hurts when I move. But it's weird. I stand
up and then it hurts. I walk around and it sometimes
it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. It might be my gall
bladder. I think it's better today. Yesterday I drank
miso and ate beet greens and tried not to move too much.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
keep getting these things like pleurisy and my shoulder
and this pain. They only hurt when I move. My life feels
like it's at a stand still and my body keeps modeling
that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/july04/july27.shtml">Willa
got a new computer</a> and loaded up on <a href="http://thesims.ea.com/us/index.html">Sims</a>
games. I hadn't played for quite awhile. I thought I
might have lost interest. But reading Willa gave me
a nudge and I got caught up in playing with a family.
When you can't move the Sims is a good distraction.
The other day I was playing Sims and listening to the
Bill Moyers/Joseph Campbell conversation. That was a
fun combo. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
yesterday I was trying to delete some files and I must
have deleted the wrong thing. When I try to play the
game crashes. I can go into an empty house or an empty
property but I can't make new people, or enter a house
that has people. My theory is that I deleted a key file
having to do with the people and if I knew what it was
I could get it from my lap top. But I don't know. I
may have to reinstall the game but I lent out my first
two discs. You can't just buy the first two one at a
time now. You have to <a href="http://eastore.ea.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=853&itemType=PRODUCT&ProductID=853">buy
a set.</a> Which just seems crazy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Willa's
<a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/sims.shtml">Sims
stories</a> are how I learned about the Sims and then
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm">became obsessed.</a>
But it has been months since I played. Still, I'm having
trouble letting go of the idea that if I just knew which
file it was I could fix it. But I should probably just
chill out and see if my friend can find the games I
lent out and reinstall. Or better yet quit playing and
do something like look for a job or write. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
hate when my body is hurting. I'm never sure what to
do. I can't really afford to go to the doctor. I
went through something like this once before and had
an ultrasound. They didn't find any gall stones then
and it cost so much. So I'm super cranky and frustrated.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Swear
to god. I'm gonna change the name of my blog to the
Perils of Pauline. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1110)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1110"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e811" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e811"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e811"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:18
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was wrong about feeling better the other day. It's been
a rough week. But I did start to feel better yesterday
and I do feel better today. Just a few twinges. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
mood caved inward. I've been reading and watching movies
and pretty much feeling sorry for myself.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had lunch with Renee yesterday. She's leaving for college
on Monday. I was happy to see her and sad to think about
months not seeing her. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
mooky again.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I am reaching saturation. There's always a point when
I just want to stop feeling bad and I start reading
inspirational stuff, or something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
I'll have something interesting to write. Eventually.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1111)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1111"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">so sheer between what's right<br>
and will be wronged
- <a href="http://www.thing.net/~grist/l&d/lmeltzer.htm">David Meltzer</a></span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e812" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e812"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e812"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:21
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.powells.com/authors/armstrong.html">Karen
Armstrong</a> and <a href="http://website.lineone.net/~jon.simmons/roy/">Arundhati
Roy</a> were both on <a href="http://www.booktv.org/">Book
TV.</a> I listened to them like
they were the last drink of
water in the desert. It was
the spiritual/political combo
that worked for me. And
my need to be called back from
four days of pain and frustration
is big.
I'm not sure why the two talks
made me feel so much better. Perhaps because both women
have such clear and agile thinking and I've been in
this fuzz. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Armstrong
talked about her regard for the T.S. Elliot poem: <a href="http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/372">Ash
Wednesday.</a> I've heard this talk at least two other
times and maybe three. Each time I hear it differently.
I heard the poem differently. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="342">
<tr>
<td width="336"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans" size="3">Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the ag�d eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?</font></pre>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seemed dour to me at first and I took refuge in the
crankiness. But yesterday it didn't seem cranky. It
seemed calm. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/David.html">David</a>
was telling me why he liked me once. I can't member
why. One of the adjectives he used was my doubt. He
liked my doubt. I think it was one of the nicest things
anyone has ever said to me.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been trying to push myself in ways that are not natural
to me. I am not a positive thinker. I am always a little
reticent. Well. I dunno. Maybe that's not true. I do
love to go for the swoon. I love to put my faith in
something, or someone. I love to believe past the point
of reason. And I suffer my need to believe. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not so much that I feel lucidity is about doubt. But
there is a way in which lucidity is about deep consideration.
I love the swoon. But I love the pragmatism of deep
thinking. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="333">
<tr>
<td width="327"><pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Bless�d sister, holy mother, spirit of the fountain, spirit
of the garden,
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks,
Our peace in His will
And even among these rocks
Sister, mother
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea,
Suffer me not to be separated
And let my cry come unto Thee.</span></font></pre>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Arundhati
Roy and Karen Armstrong and Joni Mitchell and Joan Didion.
That would be a great dinner party. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1112)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1112"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Writing
is a job, a talent, but it's also the place you go in
your head. It's the imaginary friend you drink your
tea with in the afternoon. - Ann Patchett</span></font> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e813" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e813"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e813"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:16
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000406.html#000406">Maria
wrote about her son</a>. In
the post a woman makes a racist
comment about some music. Why I was shocked by
it, I can't say. You would think
I would know that people think
that way. But I am shocked by
it. I am stunned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the past few weeks I've noticed
how tense we are in public spaces.
My very lovely gentle friends
seem to grow long spiky teeth
when they get behind the wheel.
I grow them when I'm in a grocery
store. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
her comments Maria pointed me
to a comment <a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/000695.html#000695">
in a post by Loren.</a> I had
mild cases of the rash Loren
describes years ago. It's one
of those ailments that makes
me feel like my psyche is revealing
itself on the surface of my
body. My recent bout with what
may have been gall in the week
after <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e807">my
conversation with Mom</a> felt
like a Freudian slip.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
of two minds when it comes to
things of the body being read
as expressions of the psyche.
Probably because being fat is
pathologized and that annoys
me. I was thinking
about it earlier. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I have a friend
who came back from living in
Hawaii a little bit fat. She
had been raped while she was there and it did seem to
us that she was holding weight as protection. She had
never been fat before then. She lost the weight quickly
and has never been fat again. There may have been some
truth to the weight as gain as an emotional reaction.
But, as I have said before, if every woman who had been
physically abused was fat there would be way more fat
women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's <a href="http://victoria682.tripod.com/thelargestofall/id2.html">Victoria's
story</a>. She was tall and fat but suddenly began to
gain a lot of weight all at once. Her story details
a variety of health issues all of which converged. Her
weight gain wasn't a reflection of any emotional issue.
Her weight gain could be seen as a pathology in terms
of how many endocrine issues she suffered. Clearly something
went wrong. And yet.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Pathologize?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have the same reaction to both stories. My friend may
have gained some weight in a reaction to a trauma but
she was never a fat person. Victoria was a fat person
who became extremely fat. I've always been fat and I
am more fat right now than I've been in awhile and that
may be because I'm older and I'm less active than I
was when I was working and ... I have the <a href="http://fatso.com/man1.html">same
reaction</a> to all of our stories. We are people with
bodies and individual stories not women trying to hide
from sex.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Having
a possible gall bladder attack after a galling conversation
with my mom feel like my body talking to me. It should
be noted that I ate a spinach pizza the day before the
pain began. In the last three years I've noticed that
I don't digest that much dairy well. So maybe it was
the cheese. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Our
ideas about health are suspect. I think our bodies tell
us things in subtile ways. When I make my own pizza
with fresh mozzerella I never feel bad. If I order from
the local pizzeria where the cheese is greasy I almost
always feel bad. I could say that I'll never eat pizza
from that place again and I won't for quite a while.
There was also my really social week in which I ate
way too much dim sum and drank some martinis and I may
have just maxed out. Now I'm drinking lots of miso and
eating leafy greens but I may eat greasy pizza again.
Some day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
ask myself the same question Loren asked in his post.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="269">
<tr>
<td width="263">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">After all the years of reading and meditating, why is it so easy to
give in to life-long traits that are so counter productive and are
guaranteed to create greater problems than the problems that they
confront?
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
so much about things like whether I'll ever succumb
to the urge to order pizza and not cook but patterns
of behavior I employ that aren't useful and are often
harmful and just don't serve me, or the world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the comments Loren says the Bush administration and
political news makes him feel angry all the time. Me
too. And I think we're all feeling it. I bet even people
who like Bush are feeling it. The list of reasons why
might be different but I think this election is amping
up the divisions between us. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Listening
to Arundhati yesterday reminded me of the list of things
that are wrong. Listening to KPFA often does the same.
Democracy Now. All the stuff I use to keep myself informed.
Sometimes it just feels like we are too far gone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Deb
came over today to take me to the store. People were
nice on the road and nice in the store. I made a wise
crack to the bagger about how all the niceness was confusing
me. I'm shocked when people are mean. I'm shocked when
they're nice. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ah
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am feeling better. My side is a little sore but I
don't have the big throbbing pain. I've been making
really beautiful food for myself all week and doing
yoga. I'm going to enjoy the calm. Just in case there's
a storm on the way. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1113)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1113"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e814" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e814"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e814"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:43
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://cmdrtaco.net/poemgen.cgi">Rob's
amazing poem generator</a> says...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="303">
<tr>
<td width="297">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><tt><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Fatshadow This blog I love the one false turn and <br>
it hurts when she <br>
was when she is <br>
a fun combo. that he liked me <br>
And. acknowledgement of laundry in this <br>
box thanks to <br>
take me feel better <br>
the drive to push myself <br>
I feel <br>
Like <br>
her terms. She is about <br>
doubt. But also fun. </span></font></tt><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Via
<a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/">Whiskey
River.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1114)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1114"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e815" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e815"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e815"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Arundhati
is talking to me from the radio. It's the same thing
I listened to on CSPAN the other day. You can listen
to it <a href="http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/08/23/1239219">here.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did prep. Which is cook speak for having cut the cantaloupe
and the strawberries last night so that I could pile
them into the bowl with the yoghurt, honey and granola
with ease. I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. That
and a blueberry muffin, green tea and my vitamins are
all on the desk waiting for me to stop typing and take
another bite. Arundahti is slowing me down. I keep stopping
to listen. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
Monday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sad <a href="http://lovesinsects.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lovesinsects_archive.html#109324097637439981">the
way I like to be sad.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
really but I had to link to that. It's just so good.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean, I dunno. I'm always a little bit sad. But I have
this beautiful breakfast and the voice from the radio
and reasons to be happy. And lots of thinking about
writing. And stuff to do this week. And even what clouds
may be are comforting in their melancholy. And the same
Monday problem. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
do I do? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
like the poem said. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Like</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">her
terms. She is about </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">doubt.
But also fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1115)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1115"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e816" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e816"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e816"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/aug04/aug22.shtml">Willa</a>
to the rescue. She had copies of the first two games
for the PC (she's on a mac) and she generously sent
them to me. I uninstalled and reinstalled yesterday.
I lost my families, which at one time might have really
bummed me out. But I'm just happy to be able to play
again. I spent hours palying with dolls when I was a
kid. The Sims are just like that. I'm telling a little
story the whole time I'm playing. Maybe later I'll post
some new pics. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1116)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1116"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e817" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e817"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e817"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:40
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
I have been in a Sims coma for a day and a half. When
I first played the game this would happen. Hours went
by. I wrote about it and sent <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/SIMS.htm">the
piece</a> out but I was a little bit late and I got
rejections saying that the Sims had been covered. Right
now I think I can write a new piece. Something about
playing God: the crashing character of a fifty one year
old Sims freak.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
thing is, I really don't play well. I take it all way
too seriously. The two things that hook me are building
the houses and the stories I tell myself while I'm playing.
The stories I like best are about Sims who raise their
own food and do art all day. Sound like wish fulfillment?
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="250">
<p><img src="simsgarden.gif" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
have to have a cat to chase the bunnies away or the
bunnies eat all the carrots and lettuce. And it take
a lot of energy to be a farmer. So I cheat. I lost my
magic mirror in the uninstall. I thought I'd saved it
on a disc but it wasn't there when I looked. The mirror
made life so easy. You just stand in front of the mirror
and refresh their energy and then send them back into
the fields for more planting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are a number of fan sites with crazy hacks. But
the site with magic mirror seems to be gone. <a href="http://www.simslice.com/Objects-Kitchen-pg2.htm">This
site has a coffee machine</a> that brings your energy
back but leaves you uncomfortable. So it kinda works.
And they have a <a href="http://www.simslice.com/Objects-Decorative.htm#lovecrystalsanchor1">magic
candle</a> which makes it possible to summon a new lover.
You can summon every Sim in the game. Makes it easier
to make friends. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
truth about the magic mirror is that it's the reason
I stopped playing for a while. Everything was just becoming
rote. Fire them up and make them work in the garden.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got some fun hacked things <a href="http://www.cheapfrills.org/">from
this site.</a> I got a mat that they do a funny looking
martial arts kind of thing on to gain body points and
a meditation picture. They levitate in front of it.
It's VERY cute! I also got a cigarette smoking thing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="283">
<p><img src="Untitled.GIF" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
smoke and get logic points. I know. It's not good. Is
it? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
I guess if you don't play all of this sounds pretty
goofy. It really a zone out. It makes me smile. I try
to tell myself that if CSPAN is on in the background
my brain won't completely decay. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
best hacked download is a typewriter on which they earn
ten dollars a page for novel writing. Ohmygawd. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1117)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1117"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e818" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e818"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e818"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
class of <a href="http://www.usfca.edu/">students</a>
right after mine did their big final reading last night.
Sonya was going to read and I wanted to hear her. I
didn't realize that Cheryl was also reading and a few
others from my class who had finished the program
a little late. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
we arrived one of the directors saw me and ran to get
a chair with no arms. I made a big deal about having
chairs with no arms in every room while I was there.
I even took the complaint to the accessibility people
at USF. I hoped that me, my story, my advocacy had made
a difference there. But no. It's very nice that the
director saw me and got me the chair. But what if he
hadn't been there? Am I the only fat person who ever
goes there? It's not about me personally. It's
about having a system that makes an effort to make sure
that all people have access. So first thing I have do
is process the complex bunch of emotions around how
it feels to not really fit in, having someone make a
kind effort that really only solves the problem in that
moment and is not a real TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY response,
and then be the one sitting in the chair that doesn't
match. And I'm supposed to be grateful for my chair
and understand that the school can't provide for every
special need and ... whatthefuckever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
full row of chairs from the room down the hall. The
ones with no arms. Not a big deal.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
be fair the woman who runs the program tried that once.
I usually go places early to make sure I get whatever
chair is comfortable. But I couldn't get to that event
early and when I got there the row was full of students.
It wasn't a full row but it was an effort. I was grateful
but still. The attitude I got was that I should be grateful
that they tried. I should be grateful that I can sit
in a chair and not be in pain. Hmmm. Well. No. How bout
I just don't go to event in the place where I can't
count on being considered? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Obviously
I'm still processing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
complex. Like many human things. And I want to think
that reading, writing, thinking people get this. I want
to think that people who know me and may have read me
get this and don't make it about me but make it about
a larger view of how the world could be. Gracious. Welcoming.
Big enough. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
well. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was the reading. It's hard to take in twenty-two
pieces of writing in one sitting. It is for me. There
were parts of novels, short fiction, poems and nonfiction.
The program focuses on using the tools of fiction and
narrativity in non-fiction. So the non-fiction sounds
like fiction. It drove me crazy when I was there but
I do have to admit it makes for nice writing. I really
enjoyed everyone. And I really thought about why some
people were easier to listen to than others. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Being
a writer doesn't mean that you are going to be a great
public reader of your writing. There is a stagy thing
that happens and writers tend to be the kids who want
to be home and alone in front of the keyboard or with
your nose in a book and not standing in front of a group
of people. Some people are just better at it than others.
And then there's the fact that we all come to writing
from a different place and for different reasons. I
can get when writing is good even if it doesn't appeal
to me in terms of content or even style. And these were
all good writers. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
of course I loved the people I knew the best. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cheryl
is so dear. And her writing is full of sentiment and
heart. Sonya is mighty and subtle. Her work is full
of things that catch me and pull me in. And there were
a couple of men who I had ten minute crushes on who
were reading, a really wonderful woman from South Africa,
good poems from a friend of <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina's</a>.
Good, good, good. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
kept asking, "Are you writing?"</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Am
I?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I mention that I have the thing coming out in <a href="http://www.yimag.org/">YI</a>
in November and the thing coming out in <a href="http://www.yoga4everybody.com/">Yoga
for EveryBody</a> in January and Sonya reminded me that
this little kooky blog was voted <a href="http://www.sfweekly.com/issues/2004-05-19/bestpeople.html">best</a>
(which I still don't get) and every time I said it I
felt like a pimp/whore combo and ewwwww. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Gee.
It sounds like I'm doing OK. Huh? Why don't I feel like
I am? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a piece in this months issue of New Mission News
(no way to link darn it) about yoga. It's just a short
informational thing. I didn't even read it when I saw
it but Sonya did and she was having trouble with the
last sentence.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i>In
every pose, there is something to learn about a way
to be in your body: lessons that people of size can
carry into a problematic world, about balance which
looks good on them. </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
was reading it to me and I realized that it didn't sound
like what I had written. And that's because it wasn't.
I wrote:<i> </i></span></font><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans"><i>In every pose there is something to learn about
a way to be in the body. Lessons, that people of size can carry into a
problematic world in which balance looks good on them.</i></font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">Mine is better. Isn't
it? </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">It's a small free paper.
I can't get too worked up about it. But it make same
worry. YI changed my title from <i>Fat Woman in Warrior
Pose</i> to <i>Life in an Imperfect Body</i>. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">Hmmm. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">I wrote and asked if
there was such a thing as a perfect body and, to their
credit, they changed it to <i>At Home in Your Body.</i>
And they were a bit contrite, which made me feel better.
This whole shift in the way we talk about fat people
and think about fat people is an uphill battle. You
win some. You lose some. But I am learning that people
who publish you may change your writing. Sets my teeth
on edge. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">This was funny. More
than one person, after I said the thing about having
the stuff in the yoga magazines asked what the piece
was about. Well. It was about yoga. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">Ai. Yi YI. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">I wish I felt more connected
to the program. I made a few new friends. Two of <a href="http://www.speakeasy.org/~subtext/poetry/shurin/">my</a>
<a href="http://www.distortionthebook.com/beachy.html">teachers</a>
were very special for me. When I first got out of the
program I felt like I had to purge myself of everything
I learned there about writing. The second thing I did
was realize that some of what I had learned was useful
and even good and I might want to hang onto it. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i> </i></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:11pt;
mso-fareast-font-family:" Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA"><font face="Lucida Sans">Yep. It's all a balancing
act. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1118)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1118"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e819" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e819"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e819"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:28
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was one moment last night. I forgot to write about it.
In the front row there was an older gentleman and (I'm
assuming) his partner. She was in the program and read
a piece. He was taking pictures with a very nice camera.
He looked like he knew what he was doing. Later I saw
him outside aiming the camera at the top of the building
in the fog. I decided he was going for a really beautiful
fog shot. In the middle of the reading she reached over
and stroked the back of his head. He had white-grey
hair and was bald on the top and somewhat in the back.
Her hand on the back of his head and neck, running through
that white-grey hair charmed me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
may be telling myself stories in my head about people.
It's a Sims reflex.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
game comes with a few premade charecters. The Goths
are the first family and the goth seniors arrived with
one of the expansion packs. They have a ton of money
but I hated their house. So I made a new one. I thought
they should have <a href="http://homepage.mac.com/koromo/Gardens/Botanical.html">a
conservatory.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsconserve.gif" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
doesn't look great in the game. The walls come down
on the wrong side when you want to look inside. But
it's a great place for breakfast, or work on your art.
(Notice the butler cleaning the parrot poop and the
maid getting ready to clear the table.)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsbreak.gif" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsart.gif" width="256" height="171" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He's
the Dean of a college and she's a novelist. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsnovel.gif" width="257" height="172" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">See
that little blue square above her head? That's the ten
dollar per page sign. Yeah!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
new charecture is Malena Molenspink. How did I get that
name? I do not know. She's a romance novelist.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="SimsM2.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
lives in a rustic log cabin with lots of plants and
her two dalmations.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="SimsM3.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
has a very nice bathroom,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="SimsM1.gif" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
iguana, some love birds and a gold fish, (not sure why
the picture has all the little dots)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="SimsM4.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
she has the nasty smoking habit. (hehehehehe)</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="SimsM5.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
my. Doncha love that hat? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1119)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1119"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e820" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e820"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e820"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=3870950">New
music</a>. There was a day when
I'd be rushing to Tower. These
days I commit my fiscal acts
of sin in book stores. Buying
music isn't sinfull unless
you don't have a job and
are in the process of building
credit card debt larger than
the national debt. I didn't
even run out for the <a href="http://www.jonimitchell.com/">new
Joni</a> and that is just not
like me. They are all song I
have on other CD's but I still
want it. Some day. The <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00006NSH8/qid=1093709861/sr=ka-1/ref=pd_ka_1/103-3013860-2896666">new
Leonard</a> is also full of
remix. Oh these Canadians! I
just love them. If I got a job
today I'd be at Tower before
it closed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://democrats.sen.ca.gov/senator/kuehl/">Sheila
Kuehl</a> does a talk show on
<a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=17343">public
TV</a> the name of which
is Get Used To It. She interviewed
<a href="http://www.csufresno.edu/journal/2003/december/features/faderman.jsp">Lillian
Faderman</a> back when Professor
Faderman had released her <a href="http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/catalog/titledetail.cfm?titleNumber=693062">memoir</a>.
The interview was in rerun yesterday
and, despite the fact that I'd
heard it twice before, I listened
again. I loved that book. Not
because of the writing, although
the writing is fine, because
of the story of a life in the
margins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been reading <a href="http://www.annpatchett.com/truth.html"><i>Truth
and Beauty</i></a><i> </i>and
finding it quite comforting
for a number of reasons. It
tells the story of a friendship
born in a love of writing and
reading and it is also a portrait
of <a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/author_xml.asp?authorid=3859">a
woman</a> lost to the pain of feeling ugly. <a href="http://www.harpercollins.com/catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=0060569662"><i>Autobiography
of a Face</i></a><i> </i>was another book about a life
in the margins. Another book I loved. I love memoirs
that put the lie to the happy ever after story. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lucy
Grealy said: </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">"I spent five years of my life being treated for cancer, but since
then I've spent fifteen years being treated for nothing other than
looking different from everyone else. It was the pain from that, from
feeling ugly, that I always viewed as the great tragedy of my life. The
fact that I had cancer seemed minor in comparison."</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span style="font-size:12pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:12pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
understand that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't feel ugly. Maybe sometimes but not as a rule.
But I know that there are people who think I'm ugly.
I know this because they tell me so when I'm walking
in the street. I relate so completely to Lucy's story
and the portrait of her psychological mayhem. I want
to think that <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">my
book</a> does what these books do. But I've been so
tired. I've kind of given up on the book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
in too many ways my life in the margins is seen as my
failure. I'm pushing against that. All the time. And
I'm tired.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
weekend I had a little break through. I thought the
book would be out by now. I thought the gods would make
it happen. And I've been stung by the rejections. Reading
about the literary and publishing rejections both Patchett
and Grealy went through sort of snapped me out of it.
I have some ideas about things to do and some energy
to do them. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
My side acted up again. And it's been easier to play
and be distracted from the pain. I felt better yesterday
and I feel better today. So. We'll see. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are two things I've just never figured out. Sex and
money. I know I'm not alone. But I gotta figure out
money. Now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1120)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1120"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e821" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e821"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e821"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:31
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
guy who came up with the Sims said that the first thing
most people do is make themselves. And, indeed, that
was the first thing I did when I first began to play.
But there really wasn't a fat woman who looked anything
like me. Times have changed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got a skin on <a href="http://chubbysims.com/csAddOnSkins.html">this
site</a> (scroll way down and look for the woman in
the blue jumper) which still doesn't exactly look me
but ...it's closer. And so today I moved into a little
brown stone cottage.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme.gif" width="256" height="193" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a pool of course. Now I wake up and jump in the pool
every morning. I found some fat skins once that I didn't
really like, specifically because when the Sim went
to bed or jumped in the pool they were suddenly thin.
But on the same site there is also a very nice bathing
suit in my size,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme2.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">a
sexy sleeping thing, </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme4.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
some shorts to wear while gardening. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme3.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have a dog named Ralph. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme5.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have that picture in my actual living room, although
it's not that big on the wall. I have a nice bathroom,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme11.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">kitchen,</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme10.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">patio
for eating and smoking.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme7.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme6.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">two
desks, one for work </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="350">
<p><img src="Simsme8.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
one for play</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme9.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">oh
I have a nice little Sims life. I read</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme13.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
paint.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsme14.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
when the bills come in I pay them with money I made
writing and painting. I eat food that I raise in my
own garden. Yep. It's all good. The first time I made
myself I also made myself a husband, modeled on the
great love of my life. Right now I'm not feeling too
good about any of the men I've ever loved. Big dummy
heads. So. We'll see if love comes for me in my simulated
life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is all quite silly in so many ways. But being able to
make a Sims that looks like me was really fun. I made
heavy use of the cheat code to buy everything I wanted
but the house is a little small. Ralph and I are always
tripping over each other. If I write and paint a lot
maybe I can make it a bit bigger. Of course that means
I need to play a lot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dear.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
have I done?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
also been listening to CSPAN's coverage of the <a href="http://www.internationalanswer.org/">protest</a>
today. I wish people hadn't been shout expletives. I
use them all. But I just want the protest to be more
dignified. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1121)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1121"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e822" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e822"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e822"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:55
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
before I went to bed I saw a
little bit of a CSPAN
panel on the organizing of the
demo. There was a lot of great
work done to make sure that
it remained peaceful.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Back
when the anti war demonstrations were happening I read
a blogger from another country talking about how wrong
headed he thought the they were. His characterization
of the people who marched pissed me off so much that
I stopped reading him. It wasn't immediate. I just found
that I couldn't let go of what he said and couldn't
read other things he was writing clearly. Yesterday,
watching CSPAN, I remembered what he wrote again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Demonstrations
are like street theater. There were lots of fantastic
puppets and signs. It's a carnival. For the most part
I saw very serious people, of all types, walking somewhat
stoically. And then there were the waves of people shouting
expletives. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
so frustrated with my country. I wish people were in
the streets every day. And I think demonstrations can
be educational. I'm so tense right now I want every
thing to be perfect. But it never is. There will be
people who watch the demonstrations and are turned off.
There will be people who will begin to think about why
so many people are out there and maybe they'll vote.
It feels like a crap shoot. But it also feels like hope.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
all the negatives and positives are added and subtracted,
it feels like hope to me. It feels like people are out
there. Engaged. Involved. Impassioned. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
next two months are going to be ... phew. I dunno. Just
a lot. A lot of it all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1122)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1122"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e823" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e823"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e823"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">Sally</a>
called a few weeks ago and said we could come up with
a trade for class. I started going back to class three
weeks ago. My home practice had crumbled for a variety
of reasons. Being back in class feels great. Although
I've lost some ground in terms of ability. I did practice
this morning. Yesterday was the first day my side felt
absolutely better. And even as I wrote that I was feeling
like I might be wrong and it might be bad again. I think
I am better. I think I am. I think I am. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
bus takes me past a corner of Market street on
which a young couple has two show shine chairs and a
small amp. When they aren't shining shoes he plays guitar
and she sings. A few feet away from them a fairly burly
man sits at a card table on which are displayed a variety
of crocheted items. He's making them. He's also wearing
them. I get off the bus and walk to Mission to catch
the next bus. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I got to 16th and Mission a little bit early so I sat
on a bench and read for awhile. I have a patch of sun
burn right by my neck as a result. Not a bad burn. Just
odd looking. I don't really mind the ubiquitous cell
phone thing anymore. It was shocking at first. There
are days when everywhere I look someone is talking on
phone. It's still a bit disconcerting when people on
the bus are all talking away. While I was sitting on
the bench a woman sat down and took out her phone. That
bugged me. I was reading. And now someone is sitting
beside me talking on the phone. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Years
ago I head an interview with <a href="http://www.artnet.com/Magazine/people/barone/barone6-30-7.asp">Fran
Leibovitz</a> in which she was asked if she wasn't worried
that she annoyed others when she smoked in public. She
said she thought people had forgotten what the word
public meant. She said that to be in public was to be
annoyed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
I walked up 16th I saw a bedraggled baby doll in a window
box. As I crossed the street I saw another in the top
of a trash can. Must be some kind of bedraggled baby
doll art project. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
be in public is to be entertained. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1123)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1123"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
</td>
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</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<table align="center" border="0">
<tr>
<td width="743" bgcolor="white">
<table align="center" border="0" width="725">
<tr>
<td width="719"> <p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e824" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/August2004.htm#e824"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">August</font></a><a id="e824"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
31</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e704"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I promise this isn't becoming
a my-life-as-a-Sim blog. Although, my life as a Sim
is so much happier. And I really do think there's something
to be written about what my playing style says about
me. It may not be good. I was thinking about this after
<a href="http://seeking-clarity.blog-city.com/">Diana</a>
left a comment about her kids playing. I'm sure they
really play. There are all kinds of madcap things you
can do in the game. I just play to tell myself the story
of how it all works out.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
played the pre made families until I had them all back
in houses but once I started making my own families
two trends emerged. I have two women (one being me)
and one man who live alone and spend their days painting,
writing, reading and watering plants. And then I have
three monasteries. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
Buddhist,</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">one
Hindu,</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain2.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">and
one Dominican. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="709">
<p><img src="Simsagain11.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are lots of characters to keep busy cleaning, meditating,
</span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Sims4.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain9.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">gardening.
The Dominicans make wine and gargoyles. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain10.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain4.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
interesting thing is trying to create the spaces so
that look somewhat authentic. This site has some <a href="http://www.parsimonious.org/objects/">great
stuff.</a> I wanted the ashram to look like it was in
the mountains. They sit around the fire pit and sing
songs. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain6.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Every
other day they have all their neighbors over for a big
dinner. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain8.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wanted a sitar. I <a href="http://www.aroundthesims.com/objects/downtown_03.html">found
one</a> that was decorative but they can't play it.
They can play the harmonium. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain7.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
woman and her daughter live with the Dominicans. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="257">
<tr>
<td width="499">
<p><img src="Simsagain5.gif" width="257" height="194" border="0"></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">They
do most of the cleaning and the cooking and are secretly
into doing some magic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I sound totally mad? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Willa
told me about the site on which I found the <a href="http://www.jws.hauns.de/skins/india/family11/family11.html">gurus</a>.
There are a lot of very cool skins there. But I had
a hard time getting them to show up. I don't know why
they finally did. I found a skin for a guy they're calling
the old hippie. Long grey hair. Oh yeah. I decided I
wanted to bring him home and make him my new boyfriend.
I got the body but not <a href="http://www.jws.hauns.de/skins/heads/hommes/hommes2.html">the
head</a>. I've tried and tried. I can see it in the
file. But it isn't showing up in the game. There's something
about that long hair. I'm taking it kinda hard. I feel
like I can't even find love in my Sims life. There must
be a gazzilion Sims skin sites and there must be an
older guy with long hair on one of them. But I want
him. Once I get that feeling about someone...I just
don't let go. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Willa
has been playing with her <a href="http://www.willa.com/journal/aug04/aug30.shtml">Sims
life.</a> Don't worry about that bear. He just comes
to steal honey and the bees chase him away. If there's
no honey he makes a mess of the trash can. I'm saying
he but I think it might be she. There is a little pink
bow and sometimes a tutu on the bear. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel the need to mention that Kristina got me more books.
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0826469922-0">One</a>
I didn't know about and am pretty excited to read. And
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0231128967-1">one</a>
that I've been wanting because I have the <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0231121032-3">other</a>
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=2-0231122845-0">two</a>
in the series. Big bad brainiac book. So. I will stop
my life of simulation. And. Ya know. Read. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I mean. What is with me? I either want to be alone.
Or living with a group of spiritually minded people.
Or with my hippie boy friend. I guess that's all OK.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1124)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1124"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></font></p>
<p align="justify"> </p>
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