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<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
1</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Yesterday I was out doing some
errands and as I walked past the playground at Washington Square Park a
young Chinese American boy was looking at me, laughing and shouting - fat.
As I got closer I looked up and said: Yes I am. He may have been retarded.
His reactions seemed slow. He kept smiling and staring and as I passed I
heard him say fat whore. He may have been saying the whore part before but
I didn't hear it. When ever I am teased in public I have to summon my internal
reserve and the fat part took some inner strength but the whore part was
weird. It was so hateful. And all the while he had this goofy grin.
</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
2</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> The view from the top of the hill
today was foggy. Marin was entirely concealed. And right in the middle of
the bay things were clear and a little boat was pulling a much bigger boat.
I stood there struggling to feel grateful for the fact that I live in such
a beautiful place. I didn't get a job that I had done an interview for, class
felt brutal last night and I am feeling paranoid in public. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
6</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I've had two conversations recently,
one with my aunt and one with my mom, in which both say I was not always
fat. They make the distinction that I was chubby as a child but not fat.
I remind them of the picture of me at camp in which another child is able
to hide behind me. I remind them that, as a child, I was Fatty Patti. But,
no, I was not fat. It's amazing. It's an example of how fatness is read
as something that can be changed. If I was tall they wouldn't be in denial.
It makes me laugh but it is also infuriating. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
7</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I saw Aaron Peskin, my district
supervisor, on my walk today. It's kooky how happy that makes me. It's the
small town thing. Wanting to be a part of a community. And I like Aaron.</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> August
9</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I have the terrible habit of keeping the TV on in the
background. Terrible because, I am almost always irritated by the way in which
fat people are represented. There is a show on Monday nights, </font><i><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Boston Public.
</font></i><font face="Monotype Corsiva">A while ago they had an episode in which a fat girl gives a boy a black
eye, or something (I didn�t see that part) because he calls her a name. The
wrestling coach, whose team is not winning many matches, seeks her out and asks
her to join. She does and she becomes a school hero. Her father is proud. It
seemed like an interesting way in which to include a positive image of a fat
girl. There was a scene in which the team is struggling to pick her up after
she wins. I was ambivalent. In this week's episode her character returned. The
English teacher confronts her with not having turned in an essay, and says not
to let the sports and popularity distract her. The girl rises to the call, and turns
in her essay. After all, she has to be an extra good girl if we�re going to
accept her. That night at the match she is wrestling a young man, and she pins
him, but she has a heart attack. She is rushed to the hospital, has a teary
moment with her father and some teachers, her aorta bursts, and she dies. There
is a funeral scene in which the father thanks the school for making a place for
her, in sports. The English teacher tells another teacher that her essay was
about a little girl that wanted to be a ballerina. So, this young girl,
vibrant, healthy, involved in a daily sports activity, dies suddenly of a heart
attack? Is that realistic? Believe me I don�t have the television on today. </font><span
style="mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> </font></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> </font></span></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
13</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> I went to see the <a href="http://www.culturalheritagechoir.com/" target="_blank">Cultural
Heritage Choir</a> last night at <a href="http://www.lapena.org/" target="_blank">La
Pena.</a> <a href="http://www.ericbibb.com/" target="_blank">Eric Bibb</a>
opened. It was fantastic. The vibe on stage was so sweet. It reminded me
of my music days. Not that it was all sweet for me but there was a time
when it felt like folks, making music. We went to each other's gigs and
it felt like everyone knew everyone. As people became famous things got
sharper and crueler. I'm not sure if it was the fame or just that as we
got older things started to happened interpersonally. You know, so and so
took so and so's boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. I was lucky to have
my little career. I'm not a great singer but I had some stage presence.
Being on stage, singing, was the best. Everything I had to do to get there
seemed to hurt. But, watching these folks last night, at La Pena, I felt
that sweetness again. The Cultural Heritage Choir does spirituals, field
songs and blues. There is a political feel to the music. It reminded me
of when <a href="http://www.steveconn.com" target="_blank">Steve Conn</a>
use to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic and because his voice is so
rich the song had a bitter/ sweet quality.</font></p>
<p></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
20</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Last week was odd. I had my last
class in the summer intensive, handed in my work and drifted into a stupor.
I played with my SIMS, took naps. The week was over. This morning I was
hoping to be a bit more energetic. I woke up, took a shower and wanted to
go back to bed. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">The forces of darkness really seemed to
be winning. Amy Goodman's situation escalated and there was no Democracy
Now two days last week. Mumia wasn't permitted to attend his trail and a
man who has confessed to the shooting wasn't allowed to testify. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">This weekend I watched <i>The Messenger,
</i>one of the spate of Joan of Arc movies. It was pretty good but it made
me think about how easy it is to convince yourself that you are right about
something. This was made real for me when I heard some republican,
on one of the Sunday morning talk shows, talking about how successful
Bush has been, so far. EEK.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
27</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Monday comes around and I begin
again. The last two weeks have been a zone. I just couldn't focus. It could be
hormones,depression,ennui. But this week school starts and Dean comes to
visit. So, I'm trying to snap out of it. Most of my journals have gone
this route. I get spacey and I just stop writing. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
28</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Today is a national day of support
for <a href="http://www.savepacifica.net/" target="_blank">Amy Goodman</a>
and the staff of Democracy now. There are demonstrations and e-mail campaigns.
</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">Yesterday I was clicking around and I followed
a link from Mood Swings to a site that I thought was an on line journal.
I started reading it and noticed that the guy was into progressive politics.
I decided to e-mail him a link. Suddenly I realized that it was <a href="http://www.wilwheaton.net" target="_blank">Wil
Wheaton,</a> who played Wesley C rusher on Star Trek. I was quite the fan
of the show and it was a kick to e-mail him. His political commitments don't
seem to included feminism and he made a reference to some one being a fat
guy that could be read as a slam. He's young. But it is a nice site.
</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">For some reason I'm thinking a lot about
boys and sexism. No doubt having to do with a conversation I had with Jo
Ann about men taking the work of woman seriously. </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
29</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Last night was my first class.
It was interesting because most of the folks were in my summer program and
yet as we did our introductions I felt as if I knew nothing about them.
I like the teacher and the book she has chosen for us, The Best American
Essays of the Centuries. It's edited by Joyce Carol Oates. I volunteered
to submit writing in two weeks. EEK. I've been trying to write a piece on
the choice to cover, for women. Interestingly, just saying I would do it
for class got me fired up. As a wonderful surprise David Meltzer is on KPFA
this morning, talking about the beats.</font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
30</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> Well, now I have two classes.
One seems warm and cozy and one seems uncertain and fierce. There's a balance
in that I suppose. I came home wound up and musing and feeling like I need
to read everything all at once. Writing is impossibly narcissistic. Or maybe
it's just the drone of ... doubt. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">The thing about the boys and sexism thing
is ... the fear of ... how much the programing of the culture ... erases
me. I'm stuttering. I'm still feeling through this one. Because I am wary of describing
things in terms of polarity and ... yet ... it exists, if only temporarily.
Doesn't
it? </font></p>
<p> <font face="Monotype Corsiva">August
31</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva"> OK. Why do I even try to watch
TV? I like Will & Grace. I'm not sure why; because they always do fat
jokes. Last night one of the characters said his boyfriend wouldn't touch
him because of his love handles. And then, before I could turn of the tube
Just Shoot Me began, and I know I don't like that one. And in the first
few minutes they made a joke about fat cowgirls. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. </font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">But, I got a massage and acupuncture from
Lynn so, I'm feeling pretty good!</font></p>
<p><font face="Monotype Corsiva">And lots of my sweet classmates wrote to
me about liking my site. I just need to keep the television turned off until
the supervisors get back from their break.</font></p>
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