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<td width="951"><p><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:18pt;"><b>April
2007 <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com">Home</a></b></span></font></p>
<div style="width:100%;background:#DADDCC;text-align:center;font-size:11pt;font-family:system,geneva;font-weight:bold;">
<font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Was there a
day, exhausted and weary, dragging home food, arms
cut and scarred, that you saw yellow flowers and,
not knowing what you did, picked them because I
love you? - <a href="http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/content/index.asp?PageID=9">Jeanette
Winterson</a> </span></font>
</div>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
23
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
8:22 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1268" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2007.htm#e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
seems tedious to write about why I haven't
been writing but it also seems wrong to
not say anything. In January I was determined
to write something every day on the blog.
I didn't care if it was short. I didn't
care if it was stupid. I was just going
to write. We'd been working 10 hour days
in December and when we got back from a
long New Years weekend we began working
Saturdays. Six days, five of which were
ten hour days and then the commute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
February, when our schedule dropped down
to normal, I was wiped. I got a bronchial
flu for most of the month. I coughed so
hard I tore a muscle in my shoulder blade.
And then came March. I thought I was going
be laid off in the middle of March but it's
the middle of April and I'm still going
to work. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
Now what?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't hate my job. I don't love my job.
The hours have been normal
for awhile now. I've been given a few interesting
assignments and now I'm working in a different
building. It's all OK. I don't actually
play <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/">the
game</a> all day but I do play. It's very
different than the way I play at home. It
is cool to see new stuff. I worked on <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/about/ep5_index.php">Seasons</a>,
which really does add a dimension to the
game. I worked on <a href="http://thesims2.ea.com/about/sp4_index.php">Celebration</a>,
which is really just clothes and some new
furniture but fun if you like to have weddings
and parties for your Sims. I can't talk about what I'm
working on now. Well. I could. But then
I'd be unemployed again. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't play at home much but not because
I don't still love the game. Many of the
people at work play <a href="http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/index.xml">WoW</a>
and were kind enough to buy me a gift subscription.
I wanted to understand what they were talking
about and so began my new game addiction.
It's really just too funny. I did
not think I'd enjoy it but I do. It's kind
of like having a Sim in the middle of a
Tolkien novel. It doesn't
engage my imaginative inner world the way
the Sims does but it makes me laugh sometimes. I have
a few characters. The main one is a gnome
named Moti.</span></font></p>
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<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Isn't
she cute? Moti was my name in India and
means fat one. What's funny is that I am
so far behind the game curve in terms of
everyone at work. Everyone there plays two
or three or more games regularly. People
play at work, play at lunch and play when
they get home. It's wild. They play on more
than one kind of system. Some of them <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dungeons_%26_Dragons">play</a>
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magic:_The_Gathering">games</a>
on no systems. I don't have a lot of criticism
for all this playing. It seems creative
and fun. But I'm not enough of a game player
to get into that many. Most of the people
I know don't play any games so my WoW and
Sims playing must seem crazy to them. It
seems crazy to me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
what about writing? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am reading. Lots. I spend so much time on
some kind of public transportation or waiting
for some kind of public transportation.
So I read. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I watch movies on the weekend.
I talk on the phone. The days go by. I'm
neither happy nor unhappy. I have days when
I can't stop crying because I feel so far
away from my life. Which must sound like
I'm sad. And I am. But I've almost always
been a little sad. It is what it is. I also
laugh. And play. And delight in small things.
I am grateful. I am angry. I am often thrilled
by things that I cannot explain. It's all
in the mix. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging
always got me to think "like a writer"
and when I was going to try and write every
day I noticed a shift my thinking. Everything
becomes fodder for a post. I do have a distinct
piece of writing that has come together
in my head and fallen apart and come back
together. I need to and want to make the
time to put it on the page. And I need
and want to make a blogging practice again.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a particularly wonderful dinner with
<a href="http://www.bigfatblog.com/about">Paul</a>
last month. It was just so much fun. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I have a great chair at work. For
the most part, I fit in the seats on the
bus and the train and the shuttle. There
is the occasional occurrence of diet talk
around me and it works my nerves.
Being with Paul was such a relief. Because
he gets it. We talked about issues in the
fat community and the state of fat politics.
I could write a post about all that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
we talked about life. Just life. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
only had Internet access at work for about
three days. I always get there early and
now I can read blogs while I drink my tea.
I did just that the other day and it brought
tears to my eyes. My blog life was so important
to me. I need it. I want it. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to communicate. I need to feel words
forming. I need to talk about it all. And
I've been pretty quiet for most of this
last year. Work has had an impact on my
language. I now use the word dude. A lot.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sigh.
So. Dude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wrote and rewrote the first paragraph of
this post. I felt embarrassed and uncertain.
I am afraid that I can't do it. I can't
write. I can't write regularly. Now I find
I am struggling to end the post. There is
no neat summery. There is no explanation.
I keep saying I want to and I need
to but I don't. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
now I have.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1570)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1570"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
6:03 A<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1269"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1269" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2007.htm#e1269"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1269"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<a href="http://www.fatso.com/">Marilyn</a>
often says she is a fat activist not a food
activist. I think she makes the distinction
because food activists too often use fatness
as sign of the food apocalypse. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I wouldn't call myself a
food activist. I do call myself a food snob.
I'd rather go hungry than eat crap. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I care
about how food is raised. Generally
I'd rather eat locally produced food but
I like brie from France and Greek olives
and you know, stuff like that. I care about
family farms because I think they make better
food. I prefer
food that is in season. Right now I'm eating
piles of asparagus. In the summer I'll eat
peaches every single day. In the winter
I want warm food and more carbs. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are two cafeterias at work the larger of
which has a great salad bar. There's a guy
who comes in a few times a month to make sushi. The
hamburgers aren't bad. I carry some
stuff down with me: almonds, apples, <a href="http://www.chocolatebar.com/">good
chocolate</a>. It works. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
there's this funny thing that happens on
the train. We eat lunch from 1:00
to 2:00 and leave at 6:00 or 7:00. I try
to eat most of my food in the morning and
at lunch because I get home so late and
I hate going to bed on a full stomach. But
sometimes I get hungry on the train. I become
obsessed with odd things. I become convinced
I want fast food. One night I wanted sweet
and sour pork. It was all I could think
of until I got off the train. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then I just forgot. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
funny. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been watching <a href="http://travel.discovery.com/tv/bourdain/bourdain-season3.html">Bourdain</a>
eat crazy food all over the world. Food
that scares me. He's critical of fast food
but loves street food. If I could stop at
a samosa stand in the train station I probably
would.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
day I ate a Snickers from the vending machine
at work because I remembered that I liked
them when I was young. It was cloyingly sweet. Not as
chewy as I thought it would be. It made
me a little sad. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
ideas about food have sometimes been problematic
in the fat political world because
I am critical about food. Most fat people
have had way too much food criticism in
their life. The fastest way to get me to
crave something is to tell me I can never have it. The
years of diets and restriction raise up a rebel without
a clue. I lose track of my true desire. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I have learned to stay open and be as respectful
as I can be about what I want to eat and
what other people want
to eat. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1571)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1571"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1268"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
9:36 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1270"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1270" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2007.htm#e1270"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1270"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The piece of writing I have tumbling around
is about commuting. If you could listen to what's in
my head during the commute most days you would hear
all of the worst of who I am. And, for some unknown
reason, I want to make a record of that. Now that I'm
making this big push to write I've been thinking about
it more. Serendipitously enough I read <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/04/16/070416fa_fact_paumgarten">an
article</a> on the train tonight about commuting. I
liked it very much. </span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="340" bgcolor="white">
<tr>
<td width="334">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Arial,Arial">Roughly one out of every six American workers commutes more than
forty-five minutes, each way. People travel between counties the way
they used to travel between neighborhoods. The number of commuters who
travel ninety minutes or more each way�known to the Census Bureau as
�extreme commuters��has reached 3.5 million, almost double the number
in 1990. They�re the fastest-growing category, the vanguard in a land
of stagnant wages, low interest rates, and ever-radiating sprawl.
They�re the talk-radio listeners, billboard glimpsers, gas guzzlers,
and swing voters, and they don�t�can�t�watch the evening news. Some
take on long commutes by choice, and some out of necessity, although
the difference between one and the other can be hard to discern. A
commute is a distillation of a life�s main ingredients, a product of
fundamental values and choices. And time is the vital currency: how
much of it you spend�and how you spend it�reveals a great deal about
how much you think it is worth.</font></span></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Gotta
love that.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it isn't the piece I want to write. Mine is really a
confession. I am always pondering why I think or feel
what I do about people, particularly strangers. I was
talking to someone who said they judged people's clothes
and shoes and the way they walk. I barely notice those
things. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
notice energy and the way people take up space. And
I am critical in truly unseemly ways. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
always resisted the utilitarian relationship. The sales
clerk, post man, conductor, I want to move past the
purpose they serve in my life. My commute is full of
those kind of relationships. Lots to think about and
write.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
like the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Engine_That_Could">little
engine that could</a> right now. Except I haven't made
it to the top of the hill yet. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1572)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1572"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1269"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
12:56 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1271"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1271" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2007.htm#e1271"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1271"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
About a month ago I felt something inside
me shift. I couldn't name it. I just knew
it had happened. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Things
have been shifting on the outside. I moved from
one project to the other. And then
moved again. For most of the time I've been
working at EA I've been in a row of desks,
elbow to elbow with other testers. I moved
desks a few times and finally got one of
the much coveted corned desks. Corner desks
are just a little bigger. More room for
your stuff and the illusion that you aren't sitting
right next to someone else. Then I got a cubical of
my own. And now I have another, this one with walls.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sitting
in a room full of people who are talking about games
you don't play, or the superiority of the Hulk over
Batman, can be alienating. Sitting in a little room
with walls can be too. I can't tell if the changes in
my space have been improvements.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
hours have changed and I can go to the early swim again.
Thursday morning was the first time. So
good. And kinda hard. Which surprised me.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
always been pretty good at articulating
my inner world. I think that's because I
use talking to process. But I have been
so quiet. Quiet on the blog. Quiet at work.
Quiet in my life. Not a good quiet. Not
bad either. Just lacking voice and will.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
mean, I'm not silent. I laugh with people
at work. I talk on the phone with friends.
But there are parts of me that are lacking
language. And that's new for me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
went swimming this morning. Being
back in the pool is great. Slipping through
water. Returning. Or something like that.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
good. This quiet uncertain thing. I think.
I'm pretty sure. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1573)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1573"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1270"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
12:18 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1272"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1272" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2007.htm#e1272"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1272"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
I'm having trouble with Firefox. My page
won't load on it. Not sure why but it adds a /. at the
end. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1573)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1574"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1271"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">April
29
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">2007
4:38 P<font size="1">M</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1273"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1272" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/January2007.htm#e1273"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1273"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1">
</font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
The first thing I wanted to do when I began
trying to blog regularly again was to
redesign.
I resisted the urge because I had a
feeling I'd run out of energy after
designing and then not write. I'm still
feeling shaky about being able to keep
it going. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Slept
badly last night. I hate when that happens
because then I want to sleep all day.
I kinda want a cup of coffee right now
but I'm worried about not being able
to sleep again tonight. I'm listening
to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/index-flash.html">Moyers
</a>and picking through a bunch of grapes
trying to find the ones I still want
to eat. Some of them are pretty icky.
And eating the fortune cookies from the pile-o-Chinese food I ordered yesterday and
am still eating today. I need to vacuum
and write my rent check and wash some
dishes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yadda.
Yadda. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Instead
I'm playing around with ideas from <a href="http://www.mandarindesign.com/">Mandarin</a>
for the banner. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
decided to clean up my blog roll. There
were links to people who are gone, links
to things I don't read, links to people
who delinked me before I stopped writing.
I can hardly blame anyone for having
delinked me in the last year and I have
links to people who don't link to me.
I have a hard time letting go of a link
because I want to have it just in case.
Just in case I suddenly have tons of
time. Just in case <a href="http://jadedju.com/">they</a> come back. Blog
rolls have always felt a bit fraught
for me. I have been overjoyed to see
myself on some and hurt when I never
appeared on others. It's one of those
meaning makers that throws me into fits
of distortion. There's never been anyway
I could get through my whole roll in
one read. I usually got through it
twice a week or so back in the day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging
is many things. Sometimes it's about
community. Often. I tried to be good
about linking other people and I'll
try to get good at it again but I don't
use a blog tool that lets me post from
anywhere. I have to be home. And I almost
never am. If I think about it too much
I'll panic. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
were links I couldn't delete because
of sentiment. I should say more about
that but ... um. Maybe not right now.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
do this I am having to go through the
whole roll. I see I am not the only
one who hasn't been blogging because
of life and work and work and life.
Others have continued. It's a little
overwhelming because I have so much
to catch up on. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So,
I did vacuum. Although I could do it
again. The first time is really just
pulling up hair. I have SO much bleeping
hair. And, of course, I took a bite
out of a cookie and dropped a chip on the rug. I'm finishing up the beef chowfun
and sauteed dried green beans. Listening
to a replay of the Dem candidate debate.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Nothing
too interesting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans Unicode" size="1"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1575)</script> <noscript></span><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1575"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></a><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
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