|
Server : Apache/2.4.62 System : FreeBSD fbsdweb2.web.rcn.net 14.1-RELEASE FreeBSD 14.1-RELEASE releng/14.1-n267679-10e31f0946d8 GENERIC amd64 User : www ( 80) PHP Version : 8.3.8 Disable Function : NONE Directory : /domains/fatshado/ |
Upload File : |
<html>
<head>
<META NAME='Keywords' CONTENT='blogchalk, English, United States, San Francisco, North Beach, Tish, Female, 46-50'>
<title>Fatshadow</title>
<!-- Begin YACCS Code (part 1) -->
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://rateyourmusic.com/bclw?b=90000008560"></script>
<script type="text/javascript">
function yaccs_c(){document.write(ycso[0]);}
function ycs(e){for(i=0;i<ycso[2];i++){
if(ycsx[i*2]==e){return ycsx[(i*2)+1];}}
if(e<ycso[3])if(ycso[2]>=ycso[1])
{return -1}else{return 0}else return 0}
quot="'";quotcq="','"
function get_comment_link(e){
cc=ycs(e);if(cc==0){yfs=ycso[9]}
if(cc==1){yfs=ycso[10]}if(cc>1){yfs=ycso[11];
if(ycso[13]){yfs+=cc}yfs+=ycso[12]}if(cc==-1){yfs=ycso[14]}
if(ycso[5]){document.write('<a target="'+ycso[4]+
'" class="yaccslink" href="javascript:void(0)"'+
' onclick="window.open('+quot+'http://'+ycso[8]+
'commentsn/blog_id='+ycso[15]+'_and_blog_entry_id='+e+quotcq+
'yaccs'+quotcq+'scrollbars=yes,resizable=yes,height='+
ycso[6]+',width='+ycso[7]+',left=80,top=80'+quot+');">'+
yfs+'<\/a>')}else{
document.write('<a class="yaccslink" href="http://'+ycso[8]+
'commentsn?blog_id='+ycso[15]+ ycso[16] +
'blog_entry_id='+e+ ycso[16] +'returnurl='+document.URL+'">'+yfs+'<\/a>')}}
function get_custom_comment_link(e,f,g,h,m,n,o,p,q,r){get_comment_link(e)}
function yaccs(e,f,g,h,m,n,o,p,q,r,ar){get_comment_link(e)}
</script>
<!-- End YACCS Code (part 1) -->
<script language="JavaScript">
<!--
// thanks to randomwalks.com for this code
function targetLinks(boNew)
{
if (boNew)
{
where = "_blank"
}
else
{
where = "_self"
}
for (var i = 0; i <= (document.links.length-1); i++ )
{
strURL = document.links[i].href
voidURL = "javascript:void(0)"
if ( strURL != voidURL )
{
document.links[i].target = where
}
}
}
//-->
</script>
<STYLE TYPE="text/css">
BODY
{
scrollbar-base-color:#E1E1BE;
scrollbar-arrow-color:#E1E1BE;
scrollbar-DarkShadow-Color:#E1E1BE;
}
</STYLE>
<style>
div.blogrollmain{
width: 170;
background:#E1E1BE;
FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial,Lucida Sans;
FONT-SIZE: 10px;
}
.blogrollmain a {
color: #006600;
FONT-WEIGHT: normal;
text-decoration: none;
}
.blogrollmain a:hover {
color: #006600;
FONT-WEIGHT: bold;
text-decoration: underline;
}
</style>
</head>
<body bgcolor="#E8DFCE" text="black" link="blue" vlink="purple" alink="red">
<table align="center" border="0" bgcolor="white">
<tr>
<td width="743">
<table align="center" border="0" width="713">
<tr>
<td width="707">
<table align="center" border="0" width="698">
<tr>
<td width="228">
<p> </p>
</td>
<td width="219"> <p><a href="http://www.poets.org/npm/images.cfm"><img src="poster05.jpg" width="216" height="287" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
<td width="237">
<p> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:14pt;"><b>April 2005</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">April is the cruellest month, breeding</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Memory and desire, stirring</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Dull roots with spring rain.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Winter kept us warm, covering</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Earth in forgetful snow, feeding</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A little life with dried tubers.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bin gar keine Russin, stamm' aus Litauen, echt deutsch.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And when we were children, staying at the archduke's,</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My cousin's, he took me out on a sled,</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And I was frightened. He said, Marie,</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In the mountains, there you feel free.</span></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.
(</span><a href="http://www.bartleby.com/201/1.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">more)</span></a></font>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because I do not hope to turn again<br>
Because I do not hope<br>
Because I do not hope to turn<br>
Desiring this man�s gift and that man�s scope<br>
I no longer strive to strive towards such things<br>
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)<br>
Why should I mourn<br>
The vanished power of the usual reign?
(</span><a href="http://www.artvilla.com/wordplay/index.php?p=617"><span style="font-size:11pt;">more)</span></a></font>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"><a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/cat_t_s_eliot.html">Loren
Webster on Elliot.</a></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
1
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
5<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:25
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e832"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
always happens. I woke up this morning feeling less
pain. I always do feel better on the day I'm going to
a doctor of any kind. It wasn't like I was gonna
cancel the appointment. I still had pain. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was great to see Barbara. I feel better. But I'm sore.
Which is normal. I'm going to go back and see her again
Monday.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got home and received a wonderful and very helpful gift
from a friend. Which made me feel very blessed. And.
A rejection for the book. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just.
I dunno. It's hard. It just is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't do a thing for Black history month. Nothing for
Women's history month. But I am going to be reading
poetry <a href="http://www.poets.org/npm/images.cfm">this
month.</a> I've been feeling the need to
know more about poetry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">T.S.
is probably pretty cliche as a starting poet for April.
But sometimes ya just gotta go with the obvious. I'm
going to try to put a new poem up every day. And I want
to read poets I don't know. And support poet bloggers. The
Elliot brought up a design issue. I couldn't make the
type small enough to get the line breaks right in the
table. They'll be all right once I move them to the
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm">page
for April</a> but ...line breaks are important to poets.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
I haven't been able to read blogs I didn't notice that <a href="http://www.ashladle.org/archives/000553.html#000553">Maria
had passed</a> the book meme onto me. <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2005.htm#e1024">Done
it</a>. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
still hurts to sit in the desk chair. And I'm a bit
weepy about the rejection. And (speaking of poets) <a href="http://www.starz.com/se/ssp/schedule/grid_titleview.html?v=5854&e=-1&valid_services=ALL&on_air_title=Il%20Postino">Il
Postino</a> is on the tube. I'm gonna grab my ice pack
(but only for twenty minutes says Barbara) and settle
in. It's such a beautiful movie. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
one more thing from <a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html">Fat
Girl.</a> There's a scene in which she has a friend
over for dinner. They've enjoyed good food and some
wine and they are talking about their love of poetry
and they recite an <a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?45442B7C000C020D">Archibald
Macleish</a> together at the end of which she spontaneously
plants a kiss on his cheek. It's a kiss of delight and
the affection born in the after glow of good food and
wine and the shared love of language. The guy moves
away from her and she is embarrassed. I don't have the
impression that she thought it was kiss to begin romance.
It was spontaneous. And then she feels like she has
to make it clear that she would NEVER imagine anything
romantic. I don't know why I mention it. Except I'm
thinking about poetry. And rejection. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the need for healing.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1332)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1332"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1032" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1032"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1032"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A poem should be palpable and mute
As a globed fruit,
Dumb
As old medallions to the thumb,
Silent as the sleeve-worn stone
Of casement ledges where the moss has grown--
A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.
*
A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs,
Leaving, as the moon releases
Twig by twig the night-entangled trees,
Leaving, as the moon behind the winter leaves,
Memory by memory the mind--
A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs.
*
A poem should be equal to:
Not true</span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For all the history of grief
An empty doorway and a maple leaf.
For love
The leaning grasses and two lights above the sea--
A poem should not mean
But be. (<a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C0F0D0C">here</a>)</span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">*******</span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></pre>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">O my America for whom?<br>
For whom the promises? For whom the river?<br>
�It flows west! Look at the ripple of it!�<br>
The grass �So that it was wonderful to see<br>
And endless without end with wind wonderful!�<br>
The Great Lakes: landless as oceans: their beaches<br>
Coarse sand: clean gravel: pebbles:<br>
Their bluffs smelling of sunflowers: smelling of surf:<br>
Of fresh water: of wild sunflowers� wilderness.<br>
For whom the evening mountains on the sky:<br>
The night wind from the west: the moon descending?<br>
Tom Paine knew.<br>
Tom Paine knew the People.<br>
The promises were spoken to the People.<br>
History was voyages toward the People.<br>
Americas were landfalls of the People.<br>
Stars and expectations were the signals of the People<br>
Whatever was truly built the People had built it.<br>
Whatever was taken down they had taken down.<br>
Whatever was worn they had worn -- ax-handles: fiddle-bows:<br>
Sills of doorways: names for children: for mountains�<br>
The People had the promises: they�d keep them.
(<a href="http://www.janegalt.net/blog/archives/001170.html">here</a>)</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
2
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:46
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e833"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Reading
<a href="http://www.penguinputnam.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,0_1594630097,00.html">Fat
Girl</a> has been profoundly disturbing for me for more
than one reason. I have had many of the experiences
written in the book. Most fat kids have. Moore
and I both met our fathers late in life and had complex
relationships with our mothers and our maternal grandmothers.
However, her mother and grandmother were cruel, soul
killing and unable to love. I have my issues with my
mom and my relationship with my grandmother was complicated.
But I always knew that they loved me. I give praise
and thanks for my grandmother's refusal to believe that
there was anything wrong with my body. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Moore's
book is about a childhood filled with abuse. Physical.
Emotional. Being fat, in my view, was the least of her
problems. But being fat provided the focal point for
so much hatred. Hatred that came at her and from within
her. If she had been thin I imagine she would still
have a book to write about abuse. She was born into
a family of emotional thugs. She was starved for love
but she was also starved. She describes days and weeks
and months of eating lettuce, dry toast and tuna. And
she was a child. She writes about how she would lose
to a certain point and then not lose more. It's a story
I hear from so many fat people. The one time she was
slender (her word and this was when she was a young
adult) she was living on 900 calories a day and lots
of exercise. 900 calories a day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Despite
the obvious fact that her's was simply a fat body as
was her father's, Moore talks about the gorging that
she did (and does) as the reason for her weight. Certainly
there is a connection between what she eats and her
weight but the biological choice she is given is to
live on 900 calories or eat normally. In all the
long descriptions of eating that she writes there is
nothing that seems terrible. I read more tonnage of
consumption in <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/boldtype/0398/hornbacher/">Wasted.</a>
Moore drinks a soda and that's the reason she's fat.
She eats a candy bar. One. And that's the reason she's
fat. But it's the combination of her DNA and the soda
and candy that is the reason. And it should never have
been made into such a big deal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the end of the book she writes a lovely description
of her idea of having a fat man as a romantic partner.
It is the most fat positive thing in the whole book.
Until...she puts them both on a diet together.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Moore
says she does not want anyone to feel sorry for her.
See, this is the lesson that fat women learn. The thing
that is <i><b>wrong </b></i>with you is your fault.
So don't go looking for compassion. Ever. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
know that fat people are discriminated against. In what
other form of discrimination is the cultural response
for the person to change themselves? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
I feel for her is much bigger than pity. I feel rage.
I want to find every person who ever called her fat
with the intent to hurt her and destroy her sense of
self and I want to annihilate them. Honestly. I feel
murderous. Imagine the <a href="http://www.dakini.demon.co.uk/wrathful.htm">most
wrathful dhakini</a> and that is who I want to be. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
hope lots of people read this book. There is lots of
truth in it. Truth that should rattle you. But if you
are fat it may also hurt you. It hurts me. I'm glad
I read it but it hurt me. My sorrow for this little
girl who was so battered and the adult woman who cannot
find the love for her body every person ought to have
is overwhelming. She lives in Berkeley. I might be able
to write to her and meet her. But I think she would
find my point of view abusive. She is convinced that
her appetite is the problem. She understands that it
is also genetics but she believes that the onus is on
her to conquer that natural expression of diversity.
So she diets and diets and diets. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">20/20
had a show last night about <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Health/story?id=630943&page=1">a
young girl with Prader-Willi.</a> I didn't watch because
the commercials for the show suggested that the topic
would be treated with the same fat fearing/hating smugness
that most media uses to talk about people's lives. In
the commercial you see her in a raging temper tantrum.
If you saw this young girl on the street you would imagine
that she is a glutton. And you would be right. Her hunger
knows no bounds. It is not emotional. She is not comforting
herself with food. She is not eating for pleasure. She
has a syndrome that makes it impossible for her to experience satiety.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
glad that researchers are trying understand the syndrome
because this little girl is suffering. But she becomes
part of the obesity epidemic paradigm. The paradigm
in which fat is a one size fits all term. Her life and
the life of Judith Moore and my life and the life of
other fat girls are not one size fits all. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
of Moore I know about <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archibald_MacLeish">MacLeish.</a>
So, in honor of her wisdom and love of lanquage he is
my poet of the day. There are problems with the line
breaks again so best to read it <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm">here.</a>
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><b> </b></i></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
back is better but still hurting. It just is what it
is. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1333)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1333"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1033" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1033"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1033"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </pre>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The very
perfume Kienholtz must have used in his environments on the 1950's--the
slow music, the polyurethane men at the bar, or servicemen in the
waiting room of a house of prostitution, memorabilia about
Eisenhower--all on a brown and red carpet of roses. Your mother's
letters at your bedside table, unopened, overpower the wilting cherry
reds. She follows you to Europe with her drawl and plaint. I practice
the flute, cascading cheerful melodies with low notes on the end. The
Festival, the tinsel, the flash of light in the eyes of the well known
and us, driven into the event by your departure. That day we heard of
the terrorism and shootings and were sorry we had believed you were
going for a rest. Not that you would be involved, but that once there
would find consort among those wronged. We surfaced among costumes on
the promenade, the faces of the hotels marking a period of history when
architecture was sculpture: colonnade and white facings below black
ivory domes, crystal high in the dining rooms' omphalos. We drank
Sambuca under the celebrated sky, blacker and more riddled for your
absence. It was your drink, and we sipped to the hard coffee bean,
split like a nipple; we were surprised--very few people had heard of
it, although it is not uncommon. (<a href="http://www.scc.rutgers.edu/however/print_archive/broumas.html">more)</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">so that the
images that led me down</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">the spiral
of forgetting self and listing</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">like a
phenomenon in the grip of its weather</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">dazzling or
threatening but free</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">of
civilization were the links</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">whereby her
terror</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">made good
its promise to annihilate</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">my will her
will I couldn�t tell</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">the
difference then as now</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">when making
love I can </span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">breathe in
forever on that rise</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">indefinite
plateau whose briefness</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">like an eye
in unself-conscious and the sphere</span></font></p>
<p style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">of the
horizon its known line. </span></font></p>
<p style="margin-top:0cm; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:0.0001pt; margin-left:0cm;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family:Arial; font-size:11pt;">(From
Eye of Heart <a href="http://www.arlindo-correia.com/260700.html#Eye_of_Heart">here</a>)</span></font></p>
<p style="margin-top:0cm; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:0.0001pt; margin-left:0cm;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
3
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:37
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e834"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My poetry
month project is supposed to be about me learning about
poets and poetry. I have my favorites and I have some
awareness of poets even when I haven't read them. So
I want to use the time to read more and find more
as well as honor the ones I already know and love. I
just want to read poetry every day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was interesting to read the MacLeish but it didn't move
me in a big way. And I am thinking about why. Unlike
other kinds of writing I don't have a way to talk about
why I do, or do not, like a given poem. It's a much
more visceral response. Case in point. <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/archives/000572.html">Cleis
picked up on the project</a> and posted some of the
poetic collaboration of Olgus Broumas and Jane Miller,
which did ring for me. But I can't say why I liked it
any more than I can say why I didn't like the MacLeish.
It really isn't as simple as like/didn't like. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
MacLeish was declarative and had a familiar form. Everything
about <a href="http://www.scc.rutgers.edu/however/print_archive/broumas.html">the
Black Holes Black Stockings</a> was vivid and the form,
the how they did it, was exciting. I can't say I know
what it's about. But I know it feels thrilling. I wonder
about the words and the meaning. I impose my own meaning.
I don't have as much space to that with the MacLeish,
or with the Elliot for that matter. But the Elliot is
saying something that has a deep personal meaning for
me in a way I feel. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
sort of fumbling around with this project. I'm somewhat
dependant on the web for the project. I did find <a href="http://www.arlindo-correia.com/260700.html">more
Olgus Broumas</a> and <a href="http://www.poetry.org/issues/issue6/text/cnotes/jm.htm">more
Jane Miller.</a> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I was listening to <a href="http://www.codepinkalert.org/National_Actions_Salinas.shtml">the
people holding a save the library read in at the
Cesar Chaves library in Salinas.</a> I value libraries.
I have many fond memories of libraries. But I don't
avail myself of them the way I might, which is mostly
about being a slow reader. I thought I might see if
<a href="http://sfpl.lib.ca.us/librarylocations/branches/northbeach.htm">my
branch</a> has any poetry.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
back is better but the mornings are still bad, the computer
chair is still painful and I'm just glad I have another
appointment. My mood is really unformed. (Like my thinking
about the poems.) I think I'm fending off a crash. I
watched <a href="http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/ramdass/">Fierce
Grace</a> yesterday, which was another one of those
perfect timing Netflix arrivals. I met Ram Das years
ago and, of course, read Be Here Now. He's a sweetheart.
So I'm trying to ignore my melodrama and take care of
my back. I don't think I'm really being here now. I
think it's more like I'm being neither here, nor there.
Which, may be as good as it gets right now. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
tired. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1334)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1334"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1034" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1034"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1034"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0cm; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0cm;" align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><b>stars in a blender</b></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">driving down stars to a black pitch<br>can't remember </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">being so out of alignment,<br>they rattle and burn in this shaky blender.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">wasted hallelujahs shatter my windshield.<br>was it a woman, deer or water?</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">dust tastes like eternity on my lips<br>only hair and fingernails remember.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<h3 align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">all these faces</span></font></h3>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">I guess I should read again.</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">All these faces have lost the dimension</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">to convince me of their reality; </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">all our plots have become entangled,</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">though too insignificant to move much. </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">(If we�re lucky we might get a little soft porn in the pile up) </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> in the woods</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> they�re sanding something down to essence;</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> I hear the friction though I can�t see it.</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">My lover too is never near enough.</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">She�s off playing the flute in a vacuum</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">for deaf mutes who try to catch her voice</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">with tongues flapping like Venus fly traps. </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">at my doorstep</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> I heard her once loud and clear </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">(later she taught me Braille so I could touch what wasn�t there) </font></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">it was the cry of a lone Mallard, </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">lost from the Mallard Convention, </font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;" align="justify"><span face="Times New Roman" style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">crossing the busy street without a crosswalk.</font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><span face="Times New Roman"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><a href="http://raysweatman.typepad.com/youliveyourlife/">Ray
Sweatman</a></font></span></p>
<p align="justify" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:0in;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
4
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
1<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:33
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e835"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
Well. Gee. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do feel better. Mornings are still painful but I can
move more and be up for longer and have more range of
motion and I will get an adjustment later and it will
be better and ...</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think I'm slap happy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
just. I just. I'm. I dunno. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
have been ways in which I was waiting to hear about
the contest. And now I have. So now I have to pull it
together and do whatever it is I'm going to do next.
And I can. And I will. And I still feel sore and tired.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never feel like I understand the difference between
taking care of myself and indulging my limitations,
fears and confusion. It's like that know what I can
change, know what I can't and know the difference thing.
Sometimes it's harder than other times. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
late enough in the day so the first dose of Advil and
ice pack therapy has kicked in. There's a little time
before I need to leave for my appointment. I'm trying
to come up with something to do. I did the lighting
candle, incense, fill water cup, put apple in place part
of my ritual. I'm a little afraid to try to do yoga
just now</span></font>,<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
although I was able to do a few stretches. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Slow.
Slow. Slow. I'm so slow. I wasn't always slow. I was
even sort a fast sometimes. I don't even want to be
fast. Just not so slow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Actually
I don't really mind being slow. I guess. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://raysweatman.typepad.com/youliveyourlife/">Ray</a>
is my poet of the day. Just coz. I've posted Ray's stuff
before. I'm crazy about him. I will admit that the line
about being so out of alignment had a personal meaning
for me right now. That's what we do. We grab other people's
language and use it for our own purposes. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1335)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1335"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1035" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1035"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1035"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<pre> </pre>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b><a href="http://www.poets.org/npm/books/bookdetail.cfm?45442B7C000C07050973">Meaningful Love</a></b></span></font></p>
<pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What the bad news was
became apparent too late
for us to do anything good about it.
I was offered no urgent dreaming,
didn't need a name or anything.
Everything was taken care of.
In the medium-size city of my awareness
voles are building colossi.
The blue room is over there.
He put out no feelers.
The day was all as one to him.
Some days he never leaves his room
and those are the best days,
by far.
There were morose gardens farther down the slope,
anthills that looked like they belonged there.
The sausages were undercooked,
the wine too cold, the bread molten.
Who said to bring sweaters?
The climate's not that dependable.
The Atlantic crawled slowly to the left
pinning a message on the unbound golden hair of sleeping maidens,
a ruse for next time,
where fire and water are rampant in the streets,
the gate closed�no visitors today
or any evident heartbeat.
I go rid of the book of fairy tales,
pawned my old car, bought a ticket to the funhouse,
found myself back here at six o'clock,
pondering "possible side effects."
There was no harm in loving then,
no certain good either. But love was loving servants
or bosses. No straight road issuing from it.
Leaves around the door are penciled losses.
Twenty years to fix it.
Asters bloom one way or another.</span></font></pre>
<pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> <a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?prmID=242"> -John Ashbery</a></span></font></pre>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
10
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
4<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e836"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
back got kinda worse. And I got kinda depressed. And
I just haven't had it in me to write a post. I'm not
sure I have it in me now. There's only so much you can
say about being in pain and being in a bad mood. All
the funerals and weddings and wars and rumors of wars
come to me from the TV and the radio. Nothing moves
me. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
my back is feeling better and I'm hoping the rest of
me will follow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
extra nice thing happened. I got to meet <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/">Barry.</a>
He's in town for a comics convention. I was worried
because I wasn't able to leave the apartment but he
was kind enough to come over. That pulled me outta my
funk for a bit. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
poetry project has been ignored. I went looking for
someone and found the Ashbery. He's someone I've heard
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Krisitna</a>
talk about and I liked the idea of morose gardens. Suits
my mood.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am working on my mood. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1336)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1336"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1036" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1036"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1036"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> O THOU whose exit wraps in boundless woe, <br>For Thee the tears of various Nations flow : <br>For Thee the floods of virtuous sorrows rise <br>From the full heart and burst from streaming eyes, <br>Far from our view to Heaven's eternal height, <br>The Seat of bliss divine, and glory bright ; <br>Far from the restless turbulence of life, <br>The war of factions, and impassion'd strife
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">From every ill mortality endur'd, <br>Safe in celestial </span></font><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Salem</span></font></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">'s walls secur'd. <br><br> <br>E'an yet from this terrestrial state retir'd, <br>The Virtuous lov'd Thee, and the Wife admir'd <br>The gay approv'd Thee, and the grave rever'd ; <br>And all thy words with rapt attention heard ! <br>The Sons of Learning on thy lessons hung, <br>While soft persuasion mov'd th' illit'rate throng. <br>Who, drawn by rhetoric's commanding laws, <br>Comply'd obedient, nor conceiv'd the cause, <br>Thy every sentence was with grace inspir'd, <br>And every period with devotion fir'd ; <br>Bright Truth thy guide without a dark disguise, <br>And penetration's all-discerning-eyes. <br><br> <br>THY COUNTRY mourns th' afflicting Hand divine <br>That now forbids thy radiant lamp to shine,</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -</span><a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?45442B7C000C02010D"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Phillis
Wheatly
</span></a></font></p>
<p> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
12
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:59
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e837"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
the little things. Ya know? Like being able to get in
bed and be comfortable, turn over with out crying, get
out and stand up and walk. I still have some tightness.
But I am just way better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need to do laundry. In the time it took me to sort it
my back began to ache. I took some Advil and rested
and ... it's OK. The laundry room is down a buncha stairs.
It feels so good to move but I'm still worried about
the pain. Back to the task of trying to navigate
what I can do and accept what I can't do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't been swimming for a variety of reasons but there
is <a href="http://www.thd.org/issuesandprojects/poolandplayground.html">a
pool</a> a block away from me that is supposed to reopen
soon. I love swimming. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2005/04/12/national/a071840D75.DTL">Andrea
Dworkin.</a> Well. I am sad to say that I haven't read
much of her writing. I have read some but it was years
ago. I am not an anti- porn feminist but I took her
ideas to heart. As too often happens I will probably
read more now that she has passed. I don't have a personal
reaction but I do have a reaction to the idea that she
isn't being treated kindly on the net because of the
radical nature of her feminism. (And, I should say that
I haven't read much of it. I'm still having trouble
sitting at the computer.) </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
makes me think of conversations I've had with my dyke
friends when I have romantic feelings for a man. There
is a way in which I lose myself when I feel attraction.
There is a way in which I make allowances. There is
a way in which I don't ask much of my male friends and
romantic interests in terms of feminism. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
last time I had feelings for a man it was because of
his web writing. It was the way he wrote, the music,
art and books that he loved, the artistry of his
page. I never knew what he looked like and I still felt
attraction for him in my body. We exchanged some e-mail
and things got a little confused. I'll never know exactly
why things got as bad as they did. I thought we would
have a friendship if nothing else. And in the last communication
between us, along with the discussion of what we did
and did not feel for one another and how we were dealing
with all that, was an altercation about a post I made
about feminism. It confused me then. It confuses me
now.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
text based relationships are odd. We read each other.
How well do we read? It seems so delicate and fraught.
I like to think that if we just keep talking things
will work out but I know that isn't always true. I know
it from my on line world and my off line world. The
number of possible misunderstandings is just ... phew.
HUGE.. But there are things that feel absolute. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am a feminist. I don't really get people who can't say
that. I know some people don't like to be too political.
I know some people like to say that the issues of feminism
are really the issues of us all and therefor fall
into humanism but that always feels like a side step
to me. The issues of people of color fall into a broader
humanist stance as well but we talk about racism. We
need to talk about specifics. We need the language of
the isms to unseat the assumptions of the dominant language
structures. We need to have the difficult conversations.
I do. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Feminism,
like everything else, is not a one size fits all concept.
When I say I'm not an anti porn feminist I mean that
I want us to remember the body. The body with its smells
and needs and inconveniences. Obviously we have a head
and a heart and a spirit and we like to think we are
more than our body and I suppose in some very real ways
we are. But we have these bodies. We are, all of us,
sometimes profane, if we pay attention. No doubt most
porn would make me want to pull my eyes out of my head.
No doubt most of it lacks any fundamental humanity.
No doubt most of it is done for the male eye and serves
the objectification of women. But, there are women in
the industry who are doing their own thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
Deb took me to get my adjustment and then we went to
get some dinner. A table of six people, three m/f couples
sat next to us. They were loud but I didn't really care.
I was feeling less pain and eating good food with a
great friend. I wasn't going to be bothered. But they
were loud. One man told story after story in which a
"good looking" woman was featured. I didn't
listen to it all but I kept thinking about the three
women at the table. I wondered how it made them feel
to hear story after story about "good looking"
women. There's no way for me to know. I know how I felt
listening to these bits and pieces. I felt the need
to be on guard. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
interesting that just the mention of Dworkin brings
all this out of me. It comes from a scant reading of
her, done years ago. I do have a deep and personal response
to the ideas of feminists, feminism and what is radical.
I think of myself as radical. I want to be radical.
Do I think I lost the opportunity to have a romance
because of that? Oh. Not really. There was more going
on in all that mess. Things that I may never understand.
But the part that was about feminism cut into me and
left me feeling less hopeful about the world.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because
these things matter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Barry
wrote a post about <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2005/04/10/fat-men-and-their-thin-wives-in-cartoons/">fat
men and their thin wives</a> in cartoons and sitcoms.
We talked a bit about it when he was here. It rivals
his <a href="http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2003/01/26/the-absent-fatso/">Absent
Fatso</a> post in terms of coolness. I don't watch a
lot of those shows so I feel like I can't jump into
the conversation but as I read through the comments
I feel this thing that I so often feel when fat hatred
is the topic. Everything seems beside the point. In
some ways I feel that people just don't want to take
the bias against fat people seriously. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Barry
and I talked about how men can be fat because (in general
cultural terms) men are allowed to have appetite. Men
are allowed to have bodies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday,
at the restaurant, Deb and I had desert. As it arrived
the guy with all the stories about "good looking"
women turned to look and the whole table looked with
him. I somehow knew they would. I had a brownie hot
fudge sundae thing. As he turned I held up the first
spoonful and asked if he wanted a bite. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes
I did. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was acting out. I was saying I wasn't ashamed to be
eating. I was saying I was willing to share my pleasure.
I was owning the part of me that experiences pleasure
and wants to share pleasure and is able to experience
and share pleasure. Quite a bit of stuff and none of
it clear to him. He stammered something about them getting
their own and turned back. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Funny.
When Barry was here we talked about blog popularity.
He said I write long paragraphs. It made me laugh. I'm
still laughing. It is somewhat true that blogging is
short attention span writing and sometimes I write in
a long winded and all over the place manner. Today my
unruly and profane body is feeling better and with that
relief comes a torrent of thought. It is what it is.
Want a byte? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
posting some Phillis Wheatly today. Because as I was
writing all this I was thinking about women and oppression
and isms and poetry. I have read some her poetry and
I don't really like it that much. It is too formal for
me. I have read that she hid messages in her text but
I haven't the wisdom to parse them. But I thought of
her because she was a woman, a woman of color and a
slave. Owned. It brings the same tension to my body
that I felt overhearing the stories about "good
looking" women. It would be nice to post her poetry
because I like it and not in service to some political
agenda. But. These things matter. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And.
One more silly thing. If you are reading because you
came her from Barry's link and you want to see a picture
of my drivers, look <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/rdoor.htm">here.</a>
I gotta go get the laundry. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1337)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1337"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1037" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1037"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1037"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://knitandcontemplation.typepad.com/dao_wallace_stevens/2005/02/last_look_at_th.html"><b><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
Look at the Lilacs</span></b></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To what good, in the alleys of the lilacs,<br>O caliper, do you scratch your buttocks<br>And tell the divine ingenue, your companion,<br>That this bloom is the bloom of soap<br>And this fragrance the fragrance of vegetal?<br><br>Do you suppose that she cares a tick,<br>In this hymeneal air, what it is<br>That marries her innocence thus,<br>So that her nakedness is near,<br>Or that she will pause at scurrilous words?<br><br>Poor buffo! Look at the lavender<br>And look your last and look steadily,<br>And say how it comes that you see<br>Nothing but trash and that you no longer feel<br>Her body quivering in the Floreal<br><br>Toward the cool night and its fantastic star,<br>Prime paramour and belted paragon,<br>Well-booted, rugged, arrogantly male,<br>Patron and imager of the gold Don John,<br>Who will embrace her before summer comes
</span></font>
</p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><b><a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07020B71"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The Emperor of
Ice-cream.</span></a></b></font></p>
<pre><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Call the roller of big cigars,
The muscular one, and bid him whip
In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month's newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
Take from the dresser of deal.
Lacking the three glass knobs, that sheet
On which she embroidered fantails once
And spread it so as to cover her face.
If her horny feet protrude, they come
To show how cold she is, and dumb.
Let the lamp affix its beam.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.</span></font></pre><pre><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span></pre>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07020B77"><span style="font-size:11pt;">From
Thireteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird.</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">VIII</span></font></b></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I know noble accents
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
But I know, too,
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> - </span><a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?45442B7C000C07070C"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wallace Stevens</span></a></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span><a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/cat_wallace_stevens.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Loren Webster on Stevens</span></a></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </pre>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
13
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e838"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Four
loads of laundry. An hour of folding, at the end of
which there was still a pile of pants that I thought
I'd do today but did just before I went to bed in some
reflex need to feel complete. And no relapse of the
back pain. I was a bit stiff and achy but I did the
ice/heat/Advil routine. And I changed the sheets on
the bed. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I turned over on my stomach and stretched my
legs out. It's my favorite way to sleep but even last
night when I tried it my back spasmed. This morning
I could do it for the first time in two weeks. I was
filled with relief and gratitude. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
still a load of laundry and the freezer needs defrosting
and it would be good to vacuum. All this stuff that
people do and it's no big deal but being able to do
them is filling me with an almost giddy sense of joy.
You know there is that saying about after enlightenment
the dishes and for me, today, the dishes feel like enlightenment.
I may be grouchy and discontent all too soon but not
today. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am a little grouchy about the <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/04/07/entertainment/e123204D96.DTL">conscription
of Cookie Monster into the food fear gulag</a>. I suppose
I am over stating but I was just thinking about appetite
and who is and isn't supposed to have it. There's nothing
terrible about kids being encouraged to eat fruits and
vegetables. I can think of a million ways to <a href="http://www.edibleschoolyard.org/homepage.html">do
that</a>. But Cookie Monster is about something else.
The Count counts. Oscar is a grouch. And the Cookie
monster loves cookies. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was stuck in my chair I had cravings for things that
I don't usually want. If someone would have brought
me a box of Krispy Kremes I woulda eaten it in one sitting.
I didn't really have an appetite and I wasn't able to
cook so I wasn't eating much. But the cravings didn't
feel like they were about hunger. I would have eaten
them. And I probably would have gotten a stomach ache.
And so? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
always feel the need to qualify when I write about things
like this. I know there are fat people who eat a lot
of what I would call junk. I know there are people struggling
with compulsive over eating who would have found a way
to get those Krispy Kremes and eaten them and more and
then felt guilty. I never want to shame those people.
But ya know, it's the Cookie Monster thing. Some people
just love cookies. It really is OK. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now.
Let me qualify some more. If you took me to <a href="http://www.cafedumonde.com/main.html">Cafe
Du Monde</a> right now I would eat some beignets. Oh
yeah baby. Laissez les bon ton roulette! Gimme sumthin
mister and all like dat der. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. I just think we need the moments of excess. We
need the people who are excessive. Too much moderation
is just too much moderation. It is as much of a trap
as anything else. And all this fear of food is going
to mess these kids up. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Anyway.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
whole poetry project things is suppose to be about reading
more poetry by new poets and not just my old favorites.
But awhile ago I jumped to <a href="http://knitandcontemplation.typepad.com/dao_wallace_stevens/">this
site</a> from a link on <a href="http://ahappening.typepad.com/">K's</a>
blogroll. Interesting woman. Has a <a href="http://knitandcontemplation.typepad.com/">knitting
blog</a>. Seems to be into <a href="http://www.amma.org/">Amma</a>.
And she has this whole blog for Wallace. I first heard
Wallace from a blues and jazz playing piano playing
and singing guy who used to get ripped and recite the
Emperor of Ice Cream. I had a crush on the guy despite
the fact that he was kinda mean and in some ways women
hating. I was young. I stopped liking him after he did
all my dope and used my tooth bush. But I still smile
when I read the poem. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1338)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1338"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1038" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1038"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1038"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><strong><a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/musings/writing/index.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Because She Must</span></a></strong><a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/musings/writing/index.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><br>
</span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span><em><span style="font-size:11pt;">and because she just doesn't care anymore</span></em></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">on the dark cold street<br>
at night<br>
alone<br>
the wind whispered<br>
"try to stay alive until you die"<br>
she fumbles past crumbling doorways<br>
the same dead child feeling<br>
running from men with horrible gifts<br>
or psychotic mothers<br>
inventing her own self</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">barefeet toughened by shards of glass<br>
her pain becomes pleasure<br>
and all hunger disappears<br>
as she drowns in the darkness<br>
just a child<br>
in the twilight<br>
a child<br>
believing in nothing at all<br>
except the words of the wind</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">she will survive the invisible day<br>
when they uncurl her legs<br>
and spread her knees<br>
when her anguish becomes pleasure<br>
because it must<br>
and there is no hunger<br>
and there are no math classes<br>
for runaways<br>
and she becomes a disgrace to her sex</span></font></p>
<h4>
<b><span style="font-size:11pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans"> </font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.mousemusings.com/weblogs/2005/02/sublime-paradox.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sublime Paradox
<br>
</span></a></font></b></h4>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">remnants of the distant sky<br>where civilized stars dance wildly<br>illuminating hints <br>of primitive patterns<br><br>the coincidence of opposites<br>dissolve<br>into the twilight of non-duality<br>emanations<br>dissolutions<br><br>water wheels turn<br>into a nebulous sea of bliss<br>while feral instinct<br>is trapped<br>in suffocating pages<br>of imposed morality<br>until<br>the unsustainable light<br>flickers and fades<br>into a circle unseen<br>yet unbroken
</span></font>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -
</span><a href="http://del.icio.us/clroy/poetry"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Cyndy Roy</span></a></font></p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April 14 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005 12<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27 PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e839"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></pre>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
tried to catch up on my blog reading and in the process
learned from <a href="http://veronicalynne.com/">Veronica</a>
that <a href="http://www.allconsuming.net/">All Consuming</a> had been down and was now back and
better. Better because you can add the movies you're
watching and music. It is a little confusing. Instead
of sections for what you have read there's just one
big list of everything you add. I had a lot of fun with
it yesterday. I added my Netflix stash and the five
discs in my disc player, which meant that I had to change
them because they were the same five that had been in
there for way too long. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
wish I was listening to music now but I'm listening
to the debate on the bankruptcy bill. Just this morning
I heard a bit on the news about how people are paying
their taxes with their credit cards. Taxes, medical
bills, groceries. My own debt is mostly about buying
food with the cards but I will admit to what might be
called frivolous spending. I buy books. I could go to
the library. I guess. The debate is interesting. I'll
listen to music later.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
doesn't seem like you can move the stuff in your All
Consuming things around. So, if I change the discs and
listen to them later I'll just have them on the list
twice. I guess. Not that it matters. I just get a kick
out of these web things. He added an "other material"
section, which I haven't been able to figure out. It
might be cool to make note that I am consuming scrambled
eggs on a corn tortilla and green tea.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I needed to work on the page because I had to fix my
gaffs. I never changed the month on the yesterday link.
I'm just not that good at this web design thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also found
in the catch up reading was <a href="http://mousemusings.com/weblogs/">Cyndy's</a>
link to the <a href="http://www.poets.org/almanac/index.cfm?45442B73315D5A78562D305909046743332E7D295637290A0465464B5B685124470B74057405">thirty
ways to celebrate poetry month</a>. I hope I remember
<a href="http://home.nyc.gov/html/poem/home.html">keep
a poem in your pocket day.</a> Cyndy is my poet of the
day. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a show in rotation on PBS stations right now: <a href="http://www.kqed.org/programs/tv/niot/index.jsp">Not
in Our Town</a>. It's both deeply troubling and also
encouraging.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
all the laundry is done and the freezer is defrosted.
Oddly enough the freezer was harder on my back than
all of the laundry put together. I had to get up every
twenty minutes to empty the water tray. I started
the project too late in the day. At midnight I was still
pulling out chunks of ice. Today I feel tight and achy
and I have an ice pack on even as I write. I'm not worried.
I'll get an adjustment tomorrow and some of this is
just middle aged back stuff. I think I can do yoga again.
It'll all be OK. Still hafta a run the vacuum.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1339)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1339"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1039" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1039"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1039"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><u><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The Red Spider</span></font></u><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><BR>so much depends<BR>on the small red spider<BR>crawling
the circumference<BR>of a lost silver<BR>Public Storage key<BR>left
glinting<BR>on the ground<BR>outside the poetry workshop<BR></span></font></pre>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">here<BR>it is the spider<BR>who unlocks<BR>the cold bins<BR>of put away
things<BR>who calls us out<BR>onto the thin<BR>crimson web of words<BR>where me
might catch<BR>our private winged losses<BR>and hold them close<BR>against our
heated cheeks<BR>until they glow into<BR>hot communal embers<BR>that warm the
tribe<BR>of the found<BR></span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">-Kristina Krause</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1024"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
15
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:10
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e840"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is something about <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/04/14/national/w094639D40.DTL">this</a>
that chills me to the bone. The newscast that I heard
went out of its way to say that it was all really bad
guys. But. 10,000? In one day? Something about that
feels creepy. It's not about law enforcement. It's about
sending a message. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2005/04/14/national/a083413D57.DTL">the
news from Oregon.</a> Stooooopid!!</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/n/a/2005/04/14/national/w124221D86.DTL">bankruptcy
bill passed</a>. It's such a mean spirited bill. Stuff
about <a href="http://elandslide.org/elandslide/index.cfm?campaign=debt">here</a>
and <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/041505Y.shtml">here</a>.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I had my own weird stuff with banks
and credit card companies yesterday. I didn't do anything
wrong but I sure got treated like I did. And as the
truth began to reveal itself I got no apology. It always
bugs me because I know these are just people doing their
job. They aren't the company, or the bank. There is
no one to confront. Today I have to do more work to
clear it up. I'm not worried about it. I'm just pissed
off. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bad vibe day.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Except
there was this one thing. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
may, or may not, remember my plant. I only had one plant
and it was not doing well. There was a moment a year
ago, or more, when it was basically a tall stick in
a pot and I thought about tossing it. And then it came
back. Lots of shiny, green leaves. Around Christmas it dropped some
leaves again but most of the time it just looks great. Yesterday
I repotted it with lots of new soil in a blue ceramic
pot I found in our back garden area. I keep looking over at it. Tall
and green. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes things get better. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was going to try and write a poem about how much depends
on a tall green plant. Especially after reading <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina's
LJ.</a> I put her poem as the poem of the day. There
is another of Kristina's poems <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/USFMFA.htm">here.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1340)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1340"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1040" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1040"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1040"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.tc.umn.edu/~hreh0001/kaufman.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">MORNING JOY</span></a></font></b><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.tc.umn.edu/~hreh0001/kaufman.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><br>
</span></a><span style="font-size:11pt;">
<br>
Piano buttons, stitched on morning lights.<br>
Jazz wakes with the day,<br>
As I awaken with jazz, love lit the night.<br>
Eyes appear and disappear,<br>
To lead me once more, to a green moon.<br>
Streets paved with opal sadness,<br>
Lead me counterclockwise, to pockets of joy,<br>
And jazz.
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -</span><a href="http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/g_l/kaufman/about.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bob
Kaufman</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1025"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
18
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:47
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e841"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
Sunday mornings I listen to <a href="http://sundaysalon.org/">Larry.</a>
But I knew that he wasn't going to be on this week since
he is dealing with some <a href="http://sundaysalon.org/article_text.asp?articleid=262">health
issues.</a> I turned on the show to see who they had
as a substitute and what a surprise! It was <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/">Matt</a>!
That was fun. He has a very sibilant quality in his
speech. Easy to recognize. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
been thinking about him lately. Wondering what he was
doing. And there he was on the radio and again on the
nightly news talking about <a href="http://www.mattgonzalez.com/photos/images/matt_gonzalez_marla.gif">his
friend Marla Ruzicka</a> who was just <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/18/MNGMFCALUC1.DTL">killed
by a car</a> bomb in Iraq. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">SF
has a small town feel some times. Interesting how people
gather to support one another around illness and
death. Just like in a small town. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
he had some poetry slam people on the show. I love slam
poetry. So I did listen to poetry on Sunday. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think my syntax was off the other day when I wrote that
my poetry project had been ignored. I didn't mean it
had been ignored by others. I meant it had been ignored
by me. I wanted to really read poetry this month. But
I haven't done much. Maybe a bit more than I usually
do. I jump to poetry links from <a href="http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ek867/wood_s_lot.html">Wood_s
Lot</a> often. And that's where I found the Kaufman.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Poetry
slows me down. And if my mind is agitated or spaced
out I can't read poetry. My mind has been both agitated
and spaced out at the same time for a few days. Money
issues. Ya know how that can be. I'm still preoccupied
with it. My thinking is like mud. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I am declaring myself fully recovered from the back
stuff today. Even over the weekend I was tight and sore,
especially in the morning. I was still grabbing an ice
pack and some Advil first thing. Today I was able to
put the dishes from the dish rack away. I haven't been
able to stand up that long in the morning. Today I could
and I made my eggs some <a href="http://www.aidells.com/sausages/descriptions/details.cfm">apple
sausage</a> and green tea. And I think I'm going to
put the Advil away. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did Armageddon shopping yesterday. The apartment is
more or less clean. Although I still haven't run the
vacuum. Maybe today. I have fruits and vegetables and
chocolate. So. I'm better. I'm going to finish this
and do my ritual and some yoga. Back to ... uh
... normal. Or something. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1341)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1341"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1041" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1041"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1041"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/poems/body.html"><b><font color="black" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Body
of Life</span></font></b></a></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="black" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1. 1990<br> <br> One by one 'til<br> I'm the only one<br> left in the photo<br> we took in Gay Paree,<br> trill the final syl-<br> lable, thrill to<br> pretending we're<br> the Revue Negre,<br> funking so fiercely<br> our black clothes stained<br> our curvature, fab-<br> ulous flames let loose<br> in the city of lights.<br> <br> One by one you leave<br> the picture, nix nix nix,<br> my moonpie face left<br> shining there. Au Revoir,<br> or like they say<br> in Sula, "Vwah!", bright<br> as a bottle, the beau-<br> tiful childen are<br> leaving me to trill<br> the final syllable,<br> this beautiful-<br> ugly world.<br> <br> 2. 1983<br> <br> The other girls taught shy me to be a diva,<br> to preen, to plump my titties up like they did,<br> to work it. We danced. We wanted the body<br> of life and I lived for a year in that<br> body, the body of life, in D.C.,<br> in the African diaspora:<br> Chocolate City.<br> <br> That was my slut year.<br> All the men I didn't sleep with, all I did,<br> all the lunch dates, all the dinners, all<br> the whistles on the streets of Chocolate<br> City, all the men who called me Baby,<br> called me Girl, like the one who made me tuna-<br> fish and tried to suck my breasts, then asked<br> me to type his resume. My buzzer<br> in the middle of the night, my phone, a man<br> who greased me head to toe with Lubriderm,<br> a Cape Verdean who appeared on busses<br> and trains as if by divination, sketched<br> me naked, never spent the night. I told<br> one man how much I loved Betty Carter<br> and he said, I hope you're not one of those<br> bulldaggers. A lonely Nigerian<br> who cooked fufu groped me on the sofa,<br> his across-the-ocean wife and daughter<br> watching from their picture frames.<br> Rum and dancing, too many things in my mouth,<br> genitals cobbled with passion or disease, bright<br> clitoris a phantom limb, remembering --<br> <br> I moved away to Boston and would call<br> you for the update: Renee was a samba<br> star at Brasil Tropical, shimmied<br> on Brazilian TV. Denise graduated<br> school and made the foreign service, moved<br> to Jamaica, to bungalow, with<br> a man and a maid Pansy. "Who's sick?"<br> I'd ask and you'd tell me, and who died,<br> and one day you said, "And I'm living with AIDS."<br> <br> There was Kemron in Kenya.<br> You were saving to get it.<br> You met with a support group<br> of other black men. You had<br> a Dominican boyfriend,<br> same as me. Mostly you felt<br> O.K., but you hated<br> your medicine. You were fat,<br> but you still took class.<br> No, Tyrone wasn't sick. But David was dead.<br> <br> It was Njambi who called me to say,<br> you were back in shape. You performed<br> for the visiting Eminence of Senegal,<br> the next day went into the hospital,<br> the next day died. It made a romantic<br> story, but you're still gone. "I love when you call me<br> because you're alive," you said once,<br> one of your few friends still alive.<br> I'm writing this poem to say how we were,<br> that we danced and fucked and sweated, loved<br> ourselves and each other, lived fiercely,<br> knew joy. I'm writing to say,<br> I got lucky, you were my friend, you<br> knew me as a girl, I am a woman,<br> now, with my little piece of your story,<br> the year of the body of life.</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font color="black" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -
</span></font><a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/faculty.html"><font color="black" face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Elizabeth
Alexander</span></font></a></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/poems/meeting.html"><b><span style="font-size:11pt;">Meeting</span></b></a><span style="font-size:11pt;">
(for Lorna)</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It rains. The blistered skin of this city<br>
cools. Summer has been an endless circle<br>
of labors -- the heat, the rituals of our lives.<br>
At noon, the rain stammers to a drizzle<br>
<br>
and the thin glow of light catches the bodies<br>
of women moving quickly; black women<br>
bent low, hurrying through the damp cool.<br>
And I watch a body, the promise of a smile<br>
<br>
in the round of her hips, the rapid nervous<br>
pace of her, and I take her in as one does<br>
with a familiar movement -- a vaguely comforting<br>
pattern. This has happened before,<br>
<br>
a moment with a stranger, imagining<br>
that she too will turn, grin -- and I think<br>
of the delicate ribbons of a woman's<br>
laughter as she comes closer. On the edge<br>
of sin, the naked welcome, I see it is you<br>
<br>
and I feel like a strange man waiting to touch<br>
you with words. In this indiscretion<br>
I want to say I fear losing you; I am<br>
angry at me for being that strange man<br>
<br>
taking you in as a predator does. Your smile<br>
disarms me, its trust and pleasure in our<br>
accidental meeting -- and the rain gathers<br>
again in the sky. You hand me the car keys.<br>
<br>
We say something about money and time,<br>
and you hurry away, your hips -- my hips,<br>
the bloody world's hips -- swinging sweetly<br>
while I cradle in me the terrible fear of love.<br>
-</span><a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/faculty.html#dawes"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kwame
Dawes</span></a></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1025"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
19
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
11<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:42
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e842"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
turned on channel 26 yesterday morning and there was
a building commission meeting. A woman was
giving public testimony saying something about false
accusations of sexism after which one of the commissioners
said that it wasn't useful (I'm paraphrasing) to deny
a woman's feelings and the woman who had been speaking
began to yell and the chairperson began to bang the
gavel and I became completely enthralled. It seemed
so early in the morning for such drama. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
The mayor had appointed <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?m=/c/pictures/2005/04/13/ba_building05_ch.jpg&f=/c/a/2005/04/13/BAGKBC7G251.DTL">a
woman</a> as the head of the department of building
inspection and the commission was there to confirm it.
At a previous meeting the <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2005/04/13/BAGKBC7G251.DTL&o=0">head
of the SF development association</a> had spoken in
favor of keeping the man who has been in charge and
not replacing him with "pregnancy brain."
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uhhuh.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
woman is pregnant and in that same hearing four others
sited her pregnancy as a reason to not appoint her.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is one of those times when, for me, there are two
things that are true at the same time. Is there such
a thing as pregnancy brain? Well....</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
knew a woman once who warned me to never admit that
I had my period because people would use it against
me. I was dumb founded. It doesn't seem like a source
of shame. How could it be used against me? I am more
emotional around that time. I sometimes feel like I
lose physical dexterity. I may be in some stage of menopause
and I am spacy often. There is just no doubt that hormones
have an impact on us. So? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
ever and ever women have been working when they had
a period, or were pregnant, or were in menopause. For
all women it's a different experience and it's a different
experience from day to day. It's just part of life.
No one of any gender is in perfect form at work every
day. If a man has a bad day they are just though to
be having a bad day. But I think men have hormone cycles
of their own and I also think that men track the cycles
of their partners and are impacted. The idea that a
woman's hormones are debilitating or make her unable
to preform a job is just wrong headed. And I really
thought everyone knew that. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
not Joe. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Now.
I like Joe. He's bombastic and irascible and I almost
never agree with him but I like his largesse. Is he
sexist? Oh yeah. In that very well intended but ultimately
obtuse and really just not getting it kind of way. And
it gets worse. Joe likes to speak in verse from time
to time. He wrote a poem questioning the mayor's sexual
preference in light of the mayors divorce and support
of same sex marriage. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
the <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=4637">president
of the board</a> (and my district supervisor) is introducing
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/13/BAGKBC7G251.DTL">a
resolution to condemn the comments.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="332">
<tr>
<td width="326">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The recent pattern of public comments
degrading women and lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered individuals by
members and leaders of the Residential Builders Association of San Francisco
must be addressed and firmly disavowed by the city of San Francisco in order
to reconfirm our commitment to fighting all forms of bias and intolerance.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.
Well. Yeah. But make no mistake. This is a lot of political
chest thumping. I support and join in any condemnation
of such language, especially in civic dialogue. But
... it was said in PUBLIC testimony by a member
of the PUBLIC. A leader of an influential private organization
but still a member of the PUBLIC. So, I have mixed feelings.
I don't have mixed feelings about how wrong what he
said is. I am, in some ways, glad to live in a city
where the city government publicly and formally condemns
such speech. And it makes me a little tense. Because
people need to be able to speak their mind. If you've
listened to him talk you know him as he is. He is an
atavism to an old, fading way of thinking. (Please.
I hope. May it be so.) If he had been a board, or commission
member I would be in complete support. But this is about
power. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/19/BAGKJCB1VR1.DTL">commission
confirmed the woman</a>. <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/uploadedfiles/bdsupvrs/bosagendas/a041905.htm">Today's
board meeting</a> should be interesting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
there I was. Trying to get back to my ritual and yoga.
I actually did the ritual and yoga while listening to
the whole thing. And later that day there was a <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=29796">raucous
committee meeting</a> in which <a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_index.asp?id=22661">Chris</a>
<a href="http://www.sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=31312">challenged
the success</a> of <a href="http://carenotcash.com/">care
not cash</a>. I love that guy. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I question my own radicalism. Am I making excuses for
Joe? I don't think I am. I don't support what he said.
I support his right to say it and be stupid in public.
On the other hand, I do like that the public parent
is giving him a scolding. Joe says his "pregnancy
brain" comment is just a matter of fact. And there
is some truth to the idea of hormones impacting clarity
of thought. But it's overstated, not useful and ultimately
a way of keeping women out of power. So then ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Awhile
ago I watched <a href="http://www.thelifeofdavidgale.com/">The
Life of David Gale.</a> I enjoyed the movie but there
was something that troubled me. Something that took
me days to articulate. It was the women. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">David's
wife spends a lot of time in Europe working and probably
having an affair. When she divorces him she leaves him
in economic ruin and takes his son away from him. He
refuses to give a female grad student a passing grade
so she falsely accuses him of rape and he loses his
job as a result. His friend and fellow anti-death penalty
activist is long suffering and loyal. The reporter is
smart enough to solve the mystery but apparently not
smart enough to have gas in her car. There is a cool
fat woman in the film played by the wonderful and beautiful
<a href="http://www.thewb.com/Faces/CastBio/0,7930,861,00.html">Melissa
Mc Carthy</a>. But she is also less than smart and dignified.
And we watch the same footage of the violent and gruesome
death of a woman over and over. There's no real character
development of the women. They are all in service to
the life of David Gale. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
a movie against the death penalty. It portrays the fact
that people are wrongly convicted. Not many of them
are white, male, philosophy professors but ... </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Does
the wife take the son because of David's alcoholism?
Because she believes the false rape accusation? Because
she's just an evil withholding bitch? Does the student
accuse David of rape because she really wanted to have
sex with him or because she's a manipulative, entrapping bitch?
Is the friend so hot for David that she just has to
have sex with him? And isn't he smart? He's the victim
of all these bad women and so he manipulates the judicial
system and a female reporter into an elaborate drama
in which he is martyred. What a guy! I like the point
the movie makes. I just wish it was made with less
misogyny. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sexism
feels so entrenched. I am aware of my own. There
is part of me that wants to make a joke about testosterone
brain. It would feel smart and snappy and gotcha back.
It might be fun. But it would lack dignity. Elegance.
It would be bad faith. Sexism makes us all mean. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://harmoniousnote.blogspot.com/">Sonya</a>
sent me a <a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/poems.html">poetry
link</a> on which is poetry by the mighty <a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/faculty.html#clifton">Lucille
Clifton</a> who wrote one of <a href="http://www.ilovekat.com/clifton.htm">my
favorite poems</a>. And <a href="http://www.cavecanempoets.org/pages/faculty.html#sonia">Sonia
Sanchez</a>. But I knew them so I picked a couple that
I didn't know. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1342)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1342"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1042" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1042"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1042"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.thing.net/~grist/l&d/lmeltzer.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
Veil</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">so sheer between what's right<br>
and will be wronged<br>
let's say the Taiwanese couple<br>
on stage tonight in their launderette<br>
washing and drying clothing<br>
watched by two teenagers<br>
in a non-descript Duster<br>
windows fogged over with<br>
potsmoke, fear and talk<br>
with one gun between them<br>
and an idea to rob<br>
not for money<br>
but to knife that veil<br>
between them<br>
and the good life
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In the hole he counted heartbeats<br>
but got scared they'd stop<br>
listened to broken pipes<br>
under the shit-hole in the floor<br>
finally read the Bible they give you<br>
but his religion wasn't in a book<br>
unless it's the telephone book<br>
so he stayed alive counting<br>
letters, commas, periods
</span></font>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The veil</span></font></b><p>
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> existed before he was born<br>
and between his arising<br>
shadowed the world he moved through<br>
reaching for dim forms he thought<br>
brought light</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -</span><a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/David.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">David
Meltzer</span></a></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1025"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
20
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:03
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e843"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
all that drama, <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/13/BAGKBC7G251.DTL">the
resolution</a> was referred to committee by a conservative,
pro development supervisor. I can't imagine what they
can do in committee except talk about it some more and
maybe change the language. It will be interesting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was quite a relief (cough) yesterday to hear the news
that being fat <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/04/20/MNG24CBSJD1.DTL">might
not be the death sentence</a> previously thought. Poor
diet and lack of exercise are still bad for you. Isn't
that interesting? Who knew? </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<table align="center" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;" border="0" width="326">
<tr>
<td width="320">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">The latest study had another surprising finding: People who are modestly
overweight but not obese have a lower risk of death than people of normal
weight. Indeed, the fewer deaths from being modestly overweight partially
canceled out the deaths from obesity.
</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Of
course, I am immodestly fat so I'm still gonna die.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been pretty lucky when it comes to finding health care
practitioners who aren't fat phobic. I have a few bad
stories, most fat people do, but I have a cool doctor
now. I just can't afford to see her. I wonder how that
effects my health.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was at Barbara's for the adjustment I was bemoaning
the fact that I've been doing yoga and some other exercise
and eating so well lately. Why did my back go out? She
said that vegans who run miles every day have problems.
That's the kind of thing I often say when I'm trying
to make my point about weight and health. But with my
own body I sometimes lose perspective. I'm lucky to
have someone who can talk me back to sane. My weight
may contribute to my back ache. All I ask is that it's
seen as part of the problem and not the whole problem.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
editors of <a href="http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3471&isbn=0156030225&music=&buyable=0&assoc_id=">Scoot
Over Skinny</a> are on <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
right now. Since they rejected two pieces of writing
from me I'm feeling a little resistant. But the conversation
is less than satisfying. The editor talks about how
he's losing weight by eating right and exercising more.
There's lots of joking and the word monster has been
used to twice. To be fair they are questioning assumptions
about fat people. It's making me sad. Not the assumptions.
I know them. The amount of internalized oppression.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1343)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1343"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1043" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1043"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1043"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></p>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><b><a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07060E70"><span style="font-size:11pt;">American Sonnet (10)</span></a></b></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">after Lowel</span></font></i></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">our mothers wrung hell and hardtack from row
and boll. fenced others'
gardens with bones of lovers. embarking
from Africa in chains
reluctant pilgrims stolen by Jehovah's light
planted here the bitter
seed of blight and here eternal torches mark
the shame of Moloch's mansions
built in slavery's name. our hungered eyes
do see/refuse the dark
illuminate the blood-soaked steps of each
historic gain. a yearning
yearning to avenge the raping of the womb
from which we spring</span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07060E76"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bedtime Story</span></a></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">bed calls. i sit in the dark in the living room
trying to ignore them
in the morning, especially Sunday mornings
it will not let me up. you must sleep
longer, it says
facing south
the bed makes me lay heavenward on my back
while i prefer a westerly fetal position
facing the wall
the bed sucks me sideways into it when i
sit down on it to put on my shoes. this
persistence on its part forces me to dress in
the bathroom where things are less subversive
the bed lumps up in anger springs popping out to
scratch my dusky thighs
my little office sits in the alcove adjacent to
the bed. it makes strange little sighs
which distract me from my work
sadistically i pull back the covers
put my typewriter on the sheet and turn it on
the bed complains that i'm difficult duty
its slats are collapsing. it bitches when i
blanket it with books and papers. it tells me
it's made for blood and bone
lately spiders ants and roaches
have invaded it searching for food</span></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -</span><a href="http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?45442B7C000C070400"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wanda Coleman</span></a></font></pre>
<pre style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </pre>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
25
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
2<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e843"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
word depression annoys me. It's so imprecise. It's like
bad water color in which colors have bled together.
I have this laundry list of difficult feelings but none
of them are the reason for the curled in a ball way
I get. It's about everything and nothing. It's always
been this way. And I always get to a point when I know
I have to roust myself. Somehow. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the words of <a href="http://www.lordbuckley.com/">Lord
Buckley</a>. "When you get to it and you can't
do it, well. There you jolly well are aren't you? "</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been watching <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/greysanatomy/">Grey's
Anatomy</a> for the last few weeks. I haven't really
decided if I like it or not but last night they did
a pretty cool thing. There was a thread in the show
in which a new doctor nods off during a surgery while
holding a heart. She nicks the heart with her finger
nail but doesn't say anything and if it comes to
light she may be fired. At one point she's talking to
the woman's husband who says his wife was in the best
shape of her life because she had lost a hundred pounds
in the course of a year. It isn't clear whether the
possible nick is to blame for the difficulty the woman
has in recovery but the loss of muscle with rapid weight
loss was mentioned and the fact that no one noticed
because the woman was still 200 pounds was mentioned
in very exact language. "It didn't matter what
she weighed, she was an anorexic." </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
people talk about health and weight they forget about
this part. Weight loss may be good for some people but
how they lose the weight may not be. I'm always OK with
the idea that we need to move more and eat better quality
food. And some people may lose weight with a few small
changes. And that's OK. I just don't think weight loss,
in and of itself, is a positive goal. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
show was all about complexity. Things go wrong. We make
bad choices. We are all responsible and we all have
to live and die with who we are and what we do. I found
it comforting.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1344)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1344"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1044" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1044"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1044"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1026"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
26
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:50
PM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e844"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
last restaurant I worked in was a small neighborhood
dinner place owned by a married couple. Very talented
chefs but not very nice people. It was like being the
kid with parents who liked to fight. She worked the
grill and he worked the salad/desert station. I worked
saute. The kitchen was small and I was literally between
them, which wasn't always a happy place. But the food
was very fun to cook. They shopped every day at the
farmers market and hauled in the stuff we needed themselves.
That's a great way to run a restaurant. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was the first semester I was in college. I did three
classes on Monday, class on Tuesday and Wednesday morning
and went to work five nights a week. Sunday was my only
day off but I was usualy reading or writing for a class.
It was a lot for a mid forties something grrrl but it
was also fun. On one menu I had a dish that was <a href="http://www.foodsubs.com/Lentils.html#French%20green%20lentils">French lentils</a>
with carrots and onion topped with some kind of fish.
I think it was bass. There was something else but I
can't remember. I just remember that I had a professor
whose skin was the color of those lentils and I had
a crush on him. I would stand at the stove filling pan
after pan with lentils thinking about him. It was a
very alive time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
new owner now. She does pretty average diner food but
she is very nice. I've eaten there twice. I ate there
this morning. I had to go in for a fasting blood test
and I was hungry afterward. And tired. Having blood
taken makes me tired. So I ate eggs and a bagel and drank
coffee. It's always odd being somewhere that isn't what
it was when you were part of what it was. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Tonight
I'm eating red bell pepper pappardelle from <a href="http://www.rockridgemarkethall.com/pastashop/products_pasta.html">The
Pasta Shop</a> with fresh peas and ham. It's fresh pea
season and I'm crazy for them. I'm still sulking. But
maybe I'm almost done. Fresh peas. I'm tellin ya. It
might be the peas. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1345)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1345"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1045" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1045"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1045"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><a href="http://www.newsfromnowhere.com/stafford/wspoem03.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
Thinking</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Got up on
a cool morning. Leaned out a window.<br>
No cloud, no wind. Air that flowers held<br>
for awhile. Some dove somewhere.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Been on probation
most of my life. And<br>
the rest of my life been condemned. So these moments<br>
count for a lot�peace, you know.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Let the bucket
of memory down into the well,<br>
bring it up. Cool, cool minutes. No one<br>
stirring, no plans. Just being there.</span></font></p>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans,Arial"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This is what
the whole thing is about.</span></font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.williamstafford.org/pages/writings.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">William
Stafford. </span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/s_z/stafford/stafford.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><a href="http://lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/archives/cat_william_stafford.html"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Loren
on Stafford</span></a></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1027"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
27
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e845"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </span></font></a></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was eighteen Mom did a cross stitch for me that said
- today is the first day of the rest of your life. K
put it on a board and framed it. I've lugged it around
ever since. It hangs on the wall between the closet
and the bathroom. It's the first thing I see as I shuffle
out the bedroom door in the morning. If I look. Which
I don't </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night, in bed, I told myself to look at it in the morning.
But I forgot. I moved around in rote mode. Turned on
the radio and made my eggs and tea. I woke up a little
earlier than I usually do and I feel like the morning
is infinitely expanded. Only a half an hour difference
but it feels big. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I sat down to write I remembered the cross stitch and
my intention to be affirmative. I don't think of myself
as negative, or positive. Even in a deep and protracted
sulk I often have moments of clarity. I don't really
need to go look at it. I do need to be engaged with
my life. And. Maybe I can be. Starting this minute.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Got
the Stafford following <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/68909.html?mode=reply">a
link from Kristina</a>. The poem she linked was compelling.
It is important for awake people to be awake. The line
breaks are not right in the side bar poem but they are
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm">here</a>
and at the place where I linked the poem. It's true.
A bad line break may discourage me back to sleep. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
the darkness around us is deep. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1346)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1346"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1046" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1046"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1046"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I would knit you socks</span></font></b><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For DK<br>
Inspired by Pablo Neruda's </span></font><a href="http://www.stephenmitchellbooks.com/transAdapt/fullWomenExcerpt04.html"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ode to My Socks</span></font></a></i><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
</span></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">
<font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If I knew the pattern, I would knit you socks<br>
with the days of the week knitted in, and your<br>
initials, and clocks with the time of day.<br>
<br>
I would knit in poems of love yet to be,<br>
the words of all the songs,<br>
and colored threads that the birds <br>
would steal to make nests.<br>
<br>
I would knit the dictionary into your socks,<br>
the lives of the saints, and <br>
the meanings of dreams.<br>
<br>
And I would wind them 'round with sunlight and honey,<br>
teas made from rosehips and coriander<br>
and prayers.<br>
<br>
They would keep you warm and safe,<br>
buoyed by love and soft wool,<br>
never let anything harm you,<br>
never wear out.<br>
<br>
Not knowing how to knit such socks,<br>
I write poetry.<br>
and practice. </span></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> -</span><a href="http://www.willa.com/weblog/2005/04/i-would-knit-you-socks.htm"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Willa</span></a></font></p>
<p class="quote" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1027"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April
28
</font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2005
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:19
AM</font></font></span><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> </span></font><span class="rss:item"><a id="e846"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </a></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
I start to watch something on TV and I know right away
that I oughta turn it off. Sometimes I do and sometimes
I don't. But I usually know when I should. Such is the
case with <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Revelations/">Revelations.</a>
I keep watching it and I keep wondering why. I read
the book. I thought they might be able to do something
interesting with it. But there's some obscure and simplistic
notion of good and evil that just bugs me. And then
there's the girl who is saved from having her organs
harvested so that she can be the voice box of the lord.
It might not have bugged me if they hadn't accused the
doctors of wanting the organs for profit. Seems like
a bad message for the time. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">On
the other hand, I hate commercials and either mute them
or look at other channels while they're on. And because
of this I found <a href="http://www.pbs.org/strangedays/index_flash.html">Strange
Days on Planet Earth.</a> I like it so much I might
<a href="http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=70027547&trkid=181026">get
the disk from Netflix</a> and watch it again. Going
from the weird good guy/bad guy thriller version of
the end of days to the more real what happens when we
don't pay attention to the earth version of the end
of days gave me the spins. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Strange
Days is also full of hope and stories about interesting
people doing good work. There is a farmer who talks
about planting trees on land he had previously farmed
to protect the river against chemical run off from his
crops. Run off that might have made its way to the ocean
and the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/strangedays/episodes/troubledwaters/experts/deadzones.html">great
barrier reef.</a> He says he might make less money but
it makes him happy and if he's happy he might live longer.
Yep.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.willa.com/">Willa</a>
wrote a poem for Poetry month and I love it. She says
she took inspiration from <a href="http://www.stephenmitchellbooks.com/transAdapt/fullWomenExcerpt04.html">Neruda</a>
and links to a site where the poem is taken from a book
titled: <a href="http://www.stephenmitchellbooks.com/transAdapt/fullWomen.html">Full
Woman, Fleshy Apple, Hot Moon.</a> I heard about the
book awhile ago and put it on the wish list just because
of the title. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(1347)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_1347"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e1047" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2005.htm#e1047"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Permalink</font></a><a id="e1047"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a></span></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"> </p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p> </p>
</body>
</html>