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<p><font face="Arial" color="#0D660D"><span style="font-size:12pt;"><b>April 2004</b></span></font></p>
<p><span class="rss:item"><a id="e589" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e589"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e589"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
1 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Did you
know <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_Restaurant/">The
Restaurant</a> is coming back?
I will admit I fell out of love
with it after awhile. Too much
production. Too much product
placement. But I'm psyched that
it's coming back. And the story
is that the restaurant is failing
financially and the money guy
is going to replace Rocco with
managers!!! And really. When
you read the word mangers
you should imagine the shark
music from Jaws. I just can't
wait to see how this goes. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
evolution was brief. I'm back
to <a href="http://www.truthlaidbear.com/showdetails.php?host=http://fatshadow.com">slithering
reptile</a> status. Was it something
I said? Or didn't say. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari
</a>was at yoga. And then I
got to hang out with her the
rest of the day. Which was very
fun. We ate <a href="http://www.lastsupperclubsf.com/">lunch</a>
and then went to her apartment
to watch the tape of <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">Starting
Over</a>. I can not believe I watch
this show. I can not believe
how caught up in the show I
am. I can not believe how wound
up I get. We kept hitting pause
so we could do our own analysis.
Fun. And yet. Completely loopy.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
we went to a <a href="http://www.imagiknit.com/about.html">yarn
store</a> where I bought some
yarn with the idea that I'd
make something for <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/80354/1/2793855">Jan</a>.
It's very cool yarn. Maybe a
little bit too cool. It's <a href="http://www.yarns-and.com/fabrics/Skacel/SKAethno.jpg">this
kind</a>. Maybe most like the
#10 or #20 color wise. It's
fuzzy yarn, so it's really hard
to tell where the stitches are.
And I got some other yarn for
... uh ... I don't know what.
<a href="http://www.schaeferyarn.com/yrn_cc_womenfive.html">Equally
fun</a>. (Mine is the Babe Didrikson
color and the <a href="http://www.schaeferyarn.com/elainesample.htm">Elaine</a>
style.) I haven't tried it yet.
But I think I have terrible
judgement in yarn. It's pretty
but it might be way beyond my
skill level. Maybe not.
We'll see. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then it was late and we were hungry
again. So we went to <a href="http://www.sfstation.com/restaurants/alma/index.htm">dinner</a>.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was a really nice day. And I
needed a nice day. But I
spent money. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">EEK.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also sent some writing out.
Which is good. Right? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Ai.
Yi. Yi. I just feel so ... loopy.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
I came home and wound the yarn
into balls, which is the only
time I feel like I know what
I'm doing. And I wasn't even
sure about that when I was winding
the Babe Didrikson/Elaine yarn.
It was in a big pile that felt
like it was becoming tangled.
But I kept soting it out. I'm
in the middle of it now. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
March came in <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e555">like
a lion.</a> And went out like
a lamb. Coz I was buying wool.
Get it? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(890)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_890"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:14
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e590" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e590"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e590"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was at the yarn store I bought some knitting needles.
Because, as <a href="http://www.sapphosbreathing.com/archives/000326.html">Cleis
once said,</a> all the <a href="http://www.willa.com/zen/">cool</a>
<a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/2004/03/sweater_maratho.html">girls</a>
are doing it. The fuzzy yarn is hard to crochet because
the fuzziness hides the stitch. I'm hoping it's easier
to knit. But. I don't know how to knit.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0312458533-0">a
book.</a> But some how the English wasn't plain enough.
It was <a href="http://www.dnt-inc.com/barhtmls/knit/dblco.html">this
animation</a> that got me going. I now have a row of
stitches on a needle. I'm using old yard to figure it
out. We'll see. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
finished the Morrison-a-thon. There are good and bad
things about reading all of one author. It is possible,
even with a great writer, to get sick of the sound of
their voice. I'm not really sick of Morrison. But I'm
ready to be reading someone else. Kristina is in a class
on Camus so I'm <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0679439374-16">reading</a>
in solidarity with her. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(891)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_891"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:35
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e591" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e591"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e591"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
2 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I watched
Oprah. I'm not sure why. She was doing a show <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200401/tows_past_20040112.jhtml">about
weight loss surgery</a> and someone told me that she
wasn't really for the surgery. I was curious. I knew
there would be things that hurt me but I just ... oh
... I just watched anyway. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
she did not seem very pro the surgery. In fact, the
show was pretty terse, in some ways. Of course Oprah
gets extra props for doing it the right way. She over
came her weak character, doncha know. If you go <a href="http://www.oprah.com/health/omag/health_omag_200301_fit.jhtml">here</a>
and click on the contract that she signed you can read
about her character. The contract in and of itself doesn't
seem too weird until it gets to the part where she talks
about the strength of her character. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
will always give Oprah her props. She's done some great
things. But her <a href="http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200301/tows_past_20030102_b.jhtml?promocode=089">generalizations
about fat people</a> piss me off. Watching her during
this show I was torn. When the doctor compared being
fat to having cancer Oprah seemed to want to say something
about the inaccuracy of that comparison. But she didn't.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a sixteen year old girl on the show who had the
surgery. A sixteen year old girl. It just makes me want
to weep. Apparently she'd gone into her sister's journal
and read the sister saying hate full things about her.
She credits that experience with turning her around.
No one said a word to the sister about the hate full
thoughts. No one said a word about the girl being afraid
to go to school because of the teasing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">That's
always the hurt full part for me. The way those things
don't get challenged. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oprah
really seemed to want to challenge the wisdom of the
surgery. I wouldn't say the show was positive. She never
really says don't do the surgery. But there are things
on her site that really seem <a href="http://www.oprah.com/foodhome/food/advice/food_200307_advlose.jhtml;jsessionid=YWDVSSZ4TUKVRLARAYIRVQQ">anti
surgery</a>. Pro pro pro weight loss. Always pro weight
loss. It's exhausting. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
the show I was so spaced out I put chicken in the oven
but never turned the oven on. It just all makes me very
sad. And mad. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
tone of the show was very much about this being an extreme
choice and not for everyone. But there was no counter
argument. There was no one there with a different view.
The doctor made me the most angry. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
doctor. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was sad. It was frightening. It was infuriating. And
if you ask me why I watched I can't tell you. There
is a part of me that needs to know my enemy. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(892)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_892"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:00
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e592" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e592"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e592"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/04/03/ba_jumper014mac.jpg&paper=gate&file=bridge1.DTL&directory=/gate/archive/2004/04/02&type=universal">man
sitting on the bridge</a> yesterday.
Threatening to jump. On the
news they talked about how it
was <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2004/04/02/bridge1.DTL&type=universal">backing
up traffic</a>. There was something
about that. It seemed so ...
wrong headed. A human being.
A life. And all anyone could talk about was the traffic.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
be fair, the traffic was news. It was taking three hours
to get across the bridge. People were pissed. But there
was this guy, sitting on a brige, cutting himself with
a razor. They <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/04/03/BAGTV609FL1.DTL">talked
him off the bridge</a> last night. Maybe there will
be more news about why he was there. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">People
seem to be snapping. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(893)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_893"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:10
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e593" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e593"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e593"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
3 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I.
Um. Hmm. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
heard the guy who started <a href="http://www.foundmagazine.com/">Found
Magazine</a> on <a href="http://www.thislife.org/">This
American Life</a> talking about a trip to Brazil he
took with his mom. They were there to seek healing from
a "mystical healer." It was a very sweet.
If you can listen to it, I recommend it. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Earlier
I'd heard a women on <a href="http://www.aquaphone.com/">West
Coast Live</a> talking about <a href="http://www.faithfulfools.org/projretreat.htm">street
retreats</a>. I'd taken a shower and had a good yoga
practice. Eaten some chicken salad. I was just beginning
to feel a little bit better about it all. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
then I went back to my lethargy, self pity, and disaffection.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Actually
I went back to trying to figure out knitting but I'm
not quite getting there yet.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think I've only deleted comments a few times. Once when
someone asked me to delete comments that they had
left. Comments, good and bad, are part of the deal.
Not everyone is going to get it. The meaner someone
is when they try to tell me they know me better than
I know myself the less it bothers me. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it does bother me. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are some pretty intense things going on in comment boxes
these days. I tend to think there are limits to the
dialogue we can have in comments boxes. Which is why
we sometimes write to one another on our blogs. Those
of us who write blogs. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have lurked on blogs where I didn't like the person.
Not often. Not regularly. There are a few people writing
out here and they get linked to and I follow links.
But I'm not looking for a fight. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Or.
Ya know. Maybe I am. Sometimes. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
really don't know. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
is true. I am unemployed. I did take the risk, at forty-four
years of age to quit a fairly high paying job and go
to college. I did work my way through my BA by running
a small business while holding down a full time class
schedule. I worked fourteen hours a day for the better
part of three and a half years. I began this blog in
the days after I sold that business and began my MFA
program. And now I am looking for work during a jobless
economic recovery. Work that I have no experience doing.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I sound defensive? Well. Yeah. I am. It strikes me as
extraordinarily mean spirited for someone to throw my
unemployment into a list of judgements about who I am.
Extraordinarily mean spirited. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I think there's a difference between a troll and someone
who is just in disagreement and judgement. So. Lurk.
Comment. Believe that you know me. Really. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Generally.
I believe in language. I believe in the power of telling
our stories. I belive that writing is a way to reveal.
But language has limits. And I have limits. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(894)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_894"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:17
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e594" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e594"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e594"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
5 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I went swimming. It was lovely.
Good to be in the water. Then
I came home, baked some banana
muffins and ate some chicken salad.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
crafting life has been frustrating
for me. It was beginning to
seem like <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/80354/1/2793855">Jan
</a>might be graduating from
college before I got anything
made for him. I do know how to
make granny squares but I wasn't
sure <a href="http://www.schaeferyarn.com/yrn_cc_womenfive.html">the
yarn</a> would work. It's tightly
wound in some places but loose
in others. It's a little
bit hard to work with and I
thought it might make lumpy
squares. It does. But they're
kind of cool. I made two last
night. I'm not sure how big
to make each square. Right now
they're each five rows. I might
make them really big and just
make six. Not sure. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't listened to <a href="http://www.airamericaradio.com/">Air
America</a> yet. Gotta get on that. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think the best idea is for me
to let go of all the hish and
move on. The comment support
from my fellow codependants
is much appreciated. But. You know
I just want to ... mmmm....
get into it a bit more. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am accused of being disaffected.
And I suppose I am. I am disaffected
from the culture in which bodies
are tortured so that they can
fit into a limited idea of beauty.
Tortured on <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/extrememakeover/">television</a>.
I am disaffected from people
who make assumptions about me
based on the size of my ass.
I'm disaffected from a political
system that's sold to the highest
bidder. I'm disaffected from
a country that doesn't value
education. I'm disaffected from
spiritual communities that want
to make love wrong. The list
is long. Oh.
My. I am so disaffected. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Lethargic.
Well yeah. Sometimes. After
the six year push to get an
education, writing a book, the
last two Decembers with M &
K, the death of my father, menopause.
Yeah. I feel tired. Sometimes.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Self
pity. I've never understood
where the line gets drawn between
telling the truth about things
that hurt you and self pity.
And then there's injustice.
Whether or not you want to believe
that fat people should eat less/exercise
more and fall in line with the
body
Mafia's standard - job discrimination,
lack of access to health care,
means of transportation, public
facilities and culturally encouraged
scapegoating is not OK. It's
just not. Do I fall into self
pity around the events of my
life and hostility of the world
I live in? Yeah. I do. Sometimes.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We've
already talked about my unemployment.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
a basic inablity to be honest.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
Well. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
life doesn't track the Puritan's Pride, Manifest Destiny,
Just Do It, American narrative. It's not something I
feel too bad about. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
thought Rodrigo raised an interesting
question. What is <a href="http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm">a
troll?</a> Is Beth a troll?
<a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/allcomments?searchterm=Beth&searchtype=name&exact&blog_id=90000008560">Welllll....we
know she doesn't like Matha
and Green weenies. We know she
knows how to spell Neflix. It
seems she feels I have too much
support.</a> And then
there's the e-mails to people
who leave me comments. She seems
to fit the profile. <a href="http://www.yourdictionary.com/ahd/p/p0020100.html">Palaver</a>
is a lovely word though, isn't
it? You gotta give her that.
And it's true that her comment
brought on so many lovely comments
from my fellow co dependants. I
wouldn't hesitate to delete really stupid stuff. But
she isn't stupid. She's just a bigot. I'm thinking about
the letter to the editor idea. But I've written letters
to the editor. The paper chooses which ones to publish.
Someone who leaves peckish comments and then withdraws
when she feels criticized is ... trollish. But that's
part of the freedom of the blog form. I can delete her
comments. I can ban her. But she exists. And she's let
me know that she's lurking. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
dunno. It is time to let it
go.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
Monday. <a href="http://www.earthcalendar.net/_php/lunarphases.php">The
moon is full.</a> I'm going to make a cup of tea and
... well ... we'll see.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(895)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_895"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:15
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e595" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e595"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e595"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
6 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
dreams have been filled with
funny scenarios. Last night
people were taking my laundry
out and doing their own. There
is a way in which that makes
metaphoric sense given recent
events. And then, in the dream,
I found a drawer full of clean
underwear so I realized I didn't
need to do laundry. I do, actually,
need to do laundry. But I'm
not too worried about it. Things do can get competitive
in our little apartment laundry room. But. Really. I
think I'll be OK. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was listening to Air America for a while yesterday.
Today my speakers don't work. It's enough to make me
wonder. I've checked the things I know how to check.
In order to make sure they're plugged in I have to move
about eighty pounds of books. Which. Obviously. I may
have to do. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'd
read <a href="http://digbysblog.blogspot.com/2004_04_04_digbysblog_archive.html#108111468268880860">something</a>
<a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#108113355270755978">Elayne
linked</a> to yesterday so I knew about the <a href="http://www.dailykos.com/">Daily
Kos</a> <a href="http://www.bopnews.com/archives/000493.html#493">hoopla</a>.
I thought <a href="http://www.dailykos.com/special/about">Markos </a>was
very good on <a href="http://www.airamericaradio.com/www/pub/prg6about.htm">The
Majority Report.</a> I don't read him very often. As
I was listening I thought about how hard it's gonna
be for me to give a shit about the election. I'll show
up. Cast my vote for whoever I have to cast a vote for
in order to get rid of Bush. But. John Kerry delinked
a blogger? There's something about that. Something lacking
proportion and courage. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
struggling a bit to get a post written. I got a chance
to read a few of the e-mails that were sent to other
people from my comments. It's nothing I could have controlled.
But. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
shake it off. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(896)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_896"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:19
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e596" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e596"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e596"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
it happened, someone did take
my laundry out of the washer
and out theirs in. Maybe I'm
psychic. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I got the laundry done. The garden around the laundry
room is beautiful right now. And fragrant.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
my little plant dropped the three leaves and then formed
two shoots with three leaves on each one. They are green
and shiny. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
speakers came back on yesterday. And then went off again.
And then came back on. I guess I have a loose wire.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(897)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_897"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:04
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e597" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e597"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e597"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
7 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Right
before I left for <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga</a>
I read <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000570.html#000570">Kurt.</a>
There was a lot to consider in the post. But one sentence
was so satisfying for me to read. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="601">
<tr>
<td width="595">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">The world I perceive is not easily reduced to yes and no. And I'm used to being
the interrogator. The answers I find, which are always provisional, at best, are
subtle, layered, imbued with shades of meaning.</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was that awareness of the limits of binary thinking.
Yes. No. Good. Bad. It is the way that never really
seems deeply meaningful, or even real. Lately I've been
thinking about notions of right and wrong. I'm always
suspicious when things seem to come down to right, or
wrong. Things are rarely simple. I'm always looking
for context. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a dry cleaners right in front of the bus stop where
I wait. A woman pulled up in front and got out to get
her dry cleaning. I've seen this before. The problem
for me is that the bus can't get to me and if I get
on out in the middle of the street I have to pull up
to get to the relatively high steps. It can be a drag.
There's a huge fine for parking in a bus stop. I found
myself hoping she'd get a ticket. But I was also thinking
about Kurt's post and answers
which are provisional, subtle, layered, imbued with shades of meaning.
A</span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">nd
right. And wrong. As I watched she came out with an
armload of clothes and then went back for more. It was
clear that she was going to be hauling a lot and no
wonder why she wanted to be right in front. She was
there as the bus pulled up and I heard her say something
about "your bus" so she knew what was going
on. The driver was able to pull in behind her. I got
on with no problem. </span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sitting
on the bus I mused about the all's well that ends well
outcome. And I marveled at how angry I felt with her
while I waited for the bus, worrying about a less positive
outcome. She was, after all, wrong. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
class <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/index.htm">Sally</a>
was talking in terms of balance. She does that. It seems
very natural. It's not like she plans it she just talks
about what's on her mind. Or that's how it seems. We
were doing <a href="http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/496_1.cfm">Tree
pose</a>. For the record, when I'm in tree pose I rest
one heal on the other instep. My leg isn't up as far
as it is that picture. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
class, Sally tends to hold poses a few beats longer
than I can really do them. But she makes it very clear
that we can drop the pose if we're getting tired. In
the beginning I couldn't even stand as long as she did.
I couldn't hold my arms up for very long. As the weeks
have passed I find that I can do more and more. When
I'm home I know I don't hold the pose for very long.
But I've been trying to do a little more every day.
I'm more aware of little changes. I'm more aware of
which muscles do what.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Today
I really had a good class. I had more stamina. Sally
came up to me when I was in <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/CheriBackLarge.jpg">a
pose</a> (the picture is not me) and complimented me.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
funny. I love that she isn't fixed on ideas of the "right
way" to do a pose and yet I thrill when she likes
the way I'm doing a pose. Right. Wrong. So subtle. Such
a dance between pride and dread. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Any
way. I was in the pose and Sally was talking about balance
and how the body, even when it's in balance is moving
out of balance. It's a metaphor that fits my larger
sense of how IT ALL is. We arrive at a place we call
right. And even as we position there we are moving out
of it. Life being what it is moves us out of it. And,
for me, that's all about context. Something that seems
so right can shift when read in a larger context. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/Images/AriPigeonLarge.jpg">Ari</a>
wasn't in class but she picked me up after class, as
a surprise. I didn't know she was coming. We went to
the new <a href="http://www.jccsf.org/dc_aquatics.htm">JCC</a>
to check out their pool. It's pretty great and the cost
of a membership is good. But more than I have. I'm not
bothered by that. It's kind of far away from me. I'd
spend a lot of time getting there and back. If money
were no object I might have signed up. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">At
home I turned on the TV and got <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/04/07/international1807EDT0724.DTL">the
news.</a> We bombed a mosque. And suddenly all my musings
about duality and balance and posture fall away and
there is only one word. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Wrong.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was in tree pose and Sally was talking about balance
I found myself imaging holding the two extremes of right and
wrong, good and bad, yes and no. I felt it in my body.
I felt myself relaxing into a moment that felt wrong,
knowing that movement was occurring even as I stood
there. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Let
me be clear. I didn't feel wrong physically. I felt
kinda good. I felt balanced, strong, aligned, beautiful.
But I was thinking about a way to be when experiencing
something that feels wrong. Being in that pose is an
active process. But you are still. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I heard the news I felt my shoulders tighten. My chest
cave. My face harden. It isn't about whether I feel
good. Or bad. It's about those moments of falling. Which
have and will come. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="672">
<tr>
<td width="666">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">It's like the first few days of occupation again� it's a nightmare and everyone
is tense. My cousin and his family are staying with us for a few days because
his wife hates to be alone at home with the kids. It's a relief to have them
with us. We all sit glued to the television- flipping between Al-Jazeera,
Al-Arabia, CNN, BBC and LBC, trying to figure out what is going on. The foreign
news channels are hardly showing anything. They punctuate dazzling reportages on
football games and family pets with a couple of minutes worth of footage from
Iraq showing the same faces running around in a frenzy of bombing and gunfire
and then talk about 'Al-Sadr the firebrand cleric', not mentioning the attacks
by the troops in Ramadi, Falloojeh, Nassriyah, Baghdad, Koufa, etc. -<a href="http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_riverbendblog_archive.html#108133824770418172">River.</a></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
last line in Kurt's post seems apt. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
life seems so precarious. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(898)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_898"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:16
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">For more than twenty years of an insane history, hopelessly lost like all the
men of my generation in the convulsions of time, I have been supported by one
thing: by the hidden feeling that to write today was an honour because this
activity was a commitment - and a commitment not only to write. Specifically, in
view of my powers and my state of being, it was a commitment to bear, together
with all those who were living through the same history, the misery and the hope
we shared. -<a href="http://www.nobel.se/literature/laureates/1957/camus-speech-e.html">Albert Camus</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e599" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e599"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e599"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
8 </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=1-0679439374-16">The
First Man</a> is an interesting read. He hadn't finished
it. The book was put together by his daughter and all
the footnotes and appendix notes are intended to act
as a reminder that what we are reading is a draft. Sentences
stop short. Character's have more than one name. There
are footnotes for notes he had written on the page.
It is a draft. The only other time I enjoy reading footnotes
is when <a href="http://www.salon.com/09/features/wallace1.html">David
Foster Wallace</a> uses them. In this case it's like
getting to listen in on the writer's process. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
book opens like a novel but moves into a memoir. My
thought is that he was going to edit and shape and carve
a novel out of everything he was putting down. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
Renee was here she told me that it's common for books
published out side of the U.S. to have the name of the
translator on the cover. Readers know who the translator
is and they have favorites. In my edition of The Last
Man the translator is listed in the back, with a very
nice little paragraph of information. Something I didn't
notice right away, despite the fact that Renee made
me aware of the practice. I am guilty of that particularly
American obtuse centrality in which I assume English.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Perhaps
the job of a translator is to be invisible. I've had
conversations with Karen and Ari about how that works
when they are doing interpreting for the deaf. And I've
had <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e545">my
own experience</a> of how problematic that can be. It
seems like knowing who the intermediary is important.
People have agendas, limitations, blind spots. There
is no real invisibility. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listened to <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/04/08/911.commission/index.html">the
testimony.</a> She is masterful. I think it's important
to note how masterful, not as an expression of respect
for the content of what she put out. In fact she put
out very little content. She obfuscated and rationalized
and ignored questions. She was masterful. She got a
little shaky when pressed. A little. None of which was
surprising. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is no real invisibility. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(900)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_900"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:39
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify"> <p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e599" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
</font></a><a id="e599"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">9</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://ulu2.blogspot.com/">Kell</a>
is doing this <a href="http://www.ulu2.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_ulu2_archive.html#107825153837864508">interesting
thing</a> that I must admit I don't completely understand
because in order to completely understand I'd have to
read about the <a href="http://www.presidentschallenge.org/index.aspx">President's
Challenge</a> and I just don't want to. But I do get
enough to understand that she's tracking her fitness
along the described path of the challenge, or something
like that. And it's going well. She is 46% <a href="http://www.presidentschallenge.org/earn_awards/awards_available.aspx#bronze">bronze</a>.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
woman I know works with kids at the YWCA. She told me
a story about a young girl who didn't want to take a
fitness test because she was fat. After some encouragement
the girl took the test and passed every thing like the
number of sit-ups and pulling herself up the rope but
she didn't get what ever gold star thing they were handing
out because she weighed what she weighed. It's
the kind of story that pisses me off. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
a kid I could never compete in gym but I could dance
for three hours without a break at the wee teen dance
and be sad when it was over. And I always thought I
might have liked gym more if the feeling of being judged
hadn't been so overwhelming. I loved swimming. I've
always loved walking. I'm not so interested in throwing
or hitting balls around in any way. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Swimming
might be the only exercise I can do that I don't find
boring. I can swim until my muscles start to twitch.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yoga
works. I become preoccupied with the form. My mind becomes
engaged. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have hand weights by my desk that use. It's a good way
to take a break when you're trying to write and it isn't
happening. And I do like working with weights. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">If
I'd been a thin or averaged sized kid no one would have
cared if I could climb a rope. My thin friends didn't
care if they could do it. But for me it was a mark of
failure that turned me off to all things sport like.
Sad, really. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kell
linked up the <a href="http://www.techcentralstation.com/073003C.html">Sandy
Swartz article</a> in which Sandy talks about the origin
of the 300,000 deaths number and the misuse it gets.
I was thinking about all the thin and average sized
friends I have who drive short distances and just don't
like to move around. They are also not helping their
bodies with that lack of movement but no one seems to
be worried about them. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
I also kinda think ... so what? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was telling Kristina about how I saw myself as someone
who didn't have any game in the world of the body. When
I was young that combined with a sixties kid party mentality
and a down and out identity and I drank and did drugs
and imagined that I might die as a result but I just
didn't care. One of my favorite memories is the late
night too high conversations in which a friend would
tell me that they loved me just the way I was and they
thought I was beautiful but they were worried about
my health. I would smash a cigarette into an overflowing
ashtray, slug down a bit of bourbon, suck another line
into an already crusty nose and laugh. My health? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
Kell is 46% bronze. And I'm shouting out woo hoo! You
go girl! Even if I don't completely understand the calculations
I understand that she is engaged in a process of physical
well being. A process she is not suppose to be able
to participate in. Being that she is fat and all. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(901)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_901"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 3:46
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e601" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e601"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e601"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Somewhere
in another dimension there is
a golden palace of gratitude
constructed by my delight in
every book Kristina has ever
bought for me. She is responsible
for at least two shelves of
the books I currently own. Yesterday
she told me that I would be
receiving a Camus care package.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
a package is coming I become
paralyzed. I can't do anything
that might mean I'll miss the
buzzer. By 1:00 yesterday the
buzzer had not buzzed and I
was feeling the need for a shower.
I took the shower and just as
I was almost done I thought
I heard the buzzer. By 3:00
I figured I'd missed the package.
And then the bzzzzzzz came.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Mom
sent me <a href="http://www.1800flowers.com/product.asp?section_id=1&search_type=feature6&fc_track1=sectionid1andposition6&pcode=31432&cc=1002&sc=1002&body_sc=1002">popcorn</a>
for Easter. I was surprised
and happy but it wasn't the
books. By:00 I knew they weren't
coming. But I was wrong. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
only did she buy me the books
she is reading for her class,
all of which are now in my All
Consuming pile, but she bought
me <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=6-0312420897-0">two</a>
<a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0471263761-0">others</a>.
I'm in a paradise of riches
and the golden palace has two
new rooms. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read Camus when I lived in New
York. <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0679720200">The
Vintage edition of The Stranger</a>
talks about the translator,
Mathew Ward, on the cover
and he writes the preface. It
may be my imagination but I
think this one is better that
the one I read years ago. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also got my <a href="http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0809325691.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg">Year
Of The Snake</a> postcard. Some days the mail is better
than others. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(902)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_902"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:54
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e602" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e602"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e602"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
10</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was going to participate in the <a href="http://uber.nu/2001/04/06/">Google
bomb</a> whenI first read about it at <a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">M's</a>
but I forgot. I just saw again at <a href="http://amptoons.poliblog.com/blog/">Alas.</a>
So here goes. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jew">Jew</a>.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Barry
wrote it up very well but if you need more on why <a href="http://news.zdnet.co.uk/business/legal/0,39020651,39150978,00.htm">go
here.</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(903)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_903"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 12:23
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e603" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e603"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e603"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
11</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
stumbled on <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/soundandfury/">Sound
and Fury</a> the other day.
I missed a lot of it so I added
it to my queue. I'd like to
watch the whole thing. Karen and Ari
have both talked to me about
the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/soundandfury/cochlear/debate.html">debate
in the deaf community</a>. In
the movie I got to hear a bit
of it from deaf people. And
both Ari and Karen have talked
with me about the comparisons
to the fat revolution. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
a hearing person I find it hard
to not want deaf people to have
the opportunity to hear. And
I want to be quick to say that
I don't know enough about the
technology to have a really
clear opinion about the implant.
But I'll tell you what, when
I was listening to <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/soundandfury/culture/index.html">the
deaf people talk about identity</a>
I got it. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
isn't one kind of fat person.
There's a spectrum of experience.
When you spend time with fat
people you hear a lot of similar
experience but you also hear
differences. The eat less/exercise
more formula is not as simple
as it sounds. And if you really
talk to fat people you learn
about that. For me size acceptance,
or fat revolution, is not about
trying to stay fat. It's about
not using the food/movement
parts of your life in a pursuit
of an idea of physical perfection.
And it's about understanding
how being fat is part of your
identity. I'm not a thin person
in a fat body. I'm a fat woman.
For all of the problems that
holds there are also gifts.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think there is a detox phase
when you stop dieting. Some
people get a little crazy
around food. For me, there was
some of that. But I had cooking.
Understanding food as a craft
has been a fantastic process
for me. But I don't see that
as part of my size acceptance
process. It might be part of
my personal process but not
part of THE process. It's important
to separate the food part of
your life from your ideas about
your body size. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Recently,
I've heard two different fat
activists talk about feeling
bad because they have to be
aware of their food in a diet
like manner because they have
diabetes. For me this is a fundamental
misread of what the fat revolution
is all about. Size acceptance
should enhance a person's ability
to care for their body. Hopefully
if fat people free themselves
from the goal of a limited form
of beauty and a fear driven
idea of health, they'll be able
to forge a truly meaningful
relationship with their bodies.
But I think it's a difficult
and maybe life long process.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
part of the movie I tuned into was when a deaf woman
was talking about her anger and sadness for another
woman's choice to get the implant for her deaf child.
The mother said something about music. Being able to
hear music. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Music.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
deaf woman said music didn't matter to her. It's not
a part of her life. It never has been. She thinks she
has a fine life. She resents the idea that she doesn't.
And I understand. I also understand wanting a deaf child
to be able to hear music. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
all make choices. The one thing I'm very clear about
is that even if I don't understand a person's choice
I need to try and allow them the dignity of their choice.
And even that isn't easy. There are times when that
might mean having distance between you and another person.
And then there are the choices that people make for
their children. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Very
complex stuff. No easy answers. Just the need for open
hearts. And minds. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(904)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_904"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:07
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e604" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e604"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e604"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
12</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jan's
middle name is Kobina, just
like his dad. So I now call
them K3. And <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/72262">they</a>
were all here yesterday. I pulled
the <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/March2004.htm#e579">ravioli</a>
out of the freezer and topped
it with sauteed yellow and orange
bell pepper, some shallot and mint. And I
made some crostini with roasted
tomato spread on them. And some
olives. We ate and played with
Jan. He is pretty fantastic.
I gave him the baby blanket.
It was too small, as I feared. He's already pretty tall.
But the colors are beautiful. It's one of those things
that was better in intention than actuality. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night I watched Extreme Make Over:Home. It's the
second time I've seen the show. And again I had mixed
feelings. This episode was about <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=25">a
family</a> in which a son was in a wheel chair and the
house didn't really accommodate him. They gave him <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=2">a
ramp</a> to the front door, which they <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=3">widened</a>,
one of those <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=34">endless
swimming pools</a>, <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=54">work
out equipment</a>, a <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=56">bathroom</a>
he can wheel into, a <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=60">studio
kitchen</a> in his own space, and <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=62">a
mini music studio.</a> They also took care of the rest
of the family. The sister who had submitted the family
to the show got <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=41">a
brand new bed room.</a> They fixed up his younger brother's
"<a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=38">play
house</a>" and his <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/images/gallery/ep107/gallery.html?photo=39">bed
room.</a> The whole house got fixed up complete with
an elevator so he can get up and down the three floors.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
impossible not to be happy for this family, especially
the young man. He has access. He has the things he needs
to make his life more independent. It all brought me
to tears. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
kept thinking about the people watching the show. People
who are working two jobs, or have been laid off, or who
are working and they can barely keep their bills paid.
I've had two conversations with two different friends
in the past few days in which they talked about how
hard they work and how difficult a time they're having.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
much of what is happening is about run away inflation,
corporate greed, economic policies that favor one percent
of the population. And then we get fed fairy tale stories
about lottery winners and television make overs. And
we spend our time flipping through catalogues imagining
what we will buy when our bag of money comes in and
we lose our creativity. We wait and long for the big
win. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
believe me. I <a href="http://ww2.williams-sonoma.com/cat/pip.cfm?showsku=6036065&gids=cw189&cmsrc=hero&src=catcctli%7Cp1%7Crshop%2Fcatcdnwi%7Cp1%7Crshop%2Fcatchfni%7Cp1%7Crshop%2Fcatcckwb%7Cp1%7Crshop%2Fhme">am</a>
<a href="http://www.dyson.com/range/feature_frame.asp?model=DC07-ANIMAL">talking</a>
<a href="http://ww2.potterybarn.com/cat/pip.cfm?src=shpcfuruphchr%7Crshop%2Fshpcfuruphchr%7Crshop%2Fshpcfuruphchr%7Crshop%2Fshpcfuruphchr%7Crshop%2Fshpcfuruph%7Crshop&pkey=cfuruphchr&gids=p043">about</a>
<a href="http://www.sundancecatalog.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=3570&itemType=PRODUCT&iMainCat=8&iSubCat=65&iProductID=3570">myself</a>.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
show isn't the problem. If I could have watched a <a href="http://www.pbs.org/now/politics/overtime.html">Moyer's</a>
discussion I might have done that instead. But it was
emotionally satisfying to see this family get the big
gift. It did feel good to think about the ways their
lives might get better. I just want more information
and fewer commercials. And I want a deeper analysis
of what makes life worth while. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(905)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_905"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:33
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e605" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e605"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e605"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blog
tour.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Bobbi
had her <a href="http://www.cobaltika-studio.com/reconstructed-mind/archives/000405.html">blog
birthday</a> the other day.
Her blog is one of blogs I go
to for <a href="http://www.cobaltika-gallery.com/gallery/forsythia.html">beauty.</a>
But I was happy to read her
make a <a href="http://www.cobaltika-studio.com/reconstructed-mind/">political
post</a>. Not because I think
everyone need be political.
Just because it reflects how
strongly people are feeling
about how wrong things are.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.butuki.com/archives/2004_04.html#000150">Miguel
writes</a> about <a href="http://savoradin.com/">Tonio's
absence.</a> It's hard not to
worry when someone stops blogging.
So many times I've worried about
something I said. Or didn't say. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Jill's
<a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000792.html">posts</a>
<a href="http://jadedju.com/archives/000793.html">about</a>
unemployment make me laugh.
In that ohshitit'ssotrue kind
of way.</span></span></font></p>
<p><a href="http://www.intlblogday.tk/"><img src="weblogday.gif" width="120" height="30" border="0"></a></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Via
a link in a comment box on <a href="http://peacemaker.typepad.com/">a
blog</a> I jumped to from <a href="http://mint-tea.blogspot.com/">M's.</a>
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.dooce.com/archives/daily/04_11_2004.html">570
comments.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(906)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_906"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:17
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e606" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e606"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e606"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
13</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Happy
Blog birthday to <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan!!</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh
how glad I am that she is there!</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
did the grab the nearest book meme today. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">1.Grab
the nearest book.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">2.Open
the book to page 23.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">3.Find
the fifth sentence.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">4.Post
the text of the sentence on your blog. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">OK.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"> </span></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
traveler waited in the barely furnished little office,
then noticed a map, which he was studying when the caretaker
came in. - <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=17-0679768165-0">Albert
Camus</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(907)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_907"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:27
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e607" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e607"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e607"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
14</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.helanderdance.org/">Danelle</a>
and <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/51400/1/1785430">Alena
</a>are in town visiting <a href="http://kobi.smugmug.com/gallery/72262">K3</a>
and
I got to spend some time
with them. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
went to a show called <a href="http://www.songwritingworks.org/">The
Art of Aging.</a> I'm
not sure how to talk about it.
We didn't stay for the whole
thing, which was a little bit
disappointing. There was <a href="http://www.dougvonkoss.com/sys-tmpl/door/">a
guy</a> who opened the event.
I thought he was cute. He led
us in some singing. It went
on a little bit long and was
a bit ... oh ... I dunno. Abstract?
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Then
the <a href="http://www.kairosdance.org/">Kairos
Dance Theater</a> performed.
I loved them because they were
all <a href="http://www.kairosdance.org/images/images/kairos_como3.htm">ages</a>
<a href="http://www.kairosdance.org/images/images/kairos_como4.htm">and</a>
<a href="http://www.kairosdance.org/images/images/kairos_como5.htm">sizes</a>.
Then there was <a href="http://www.geocities.com/gwgange/">Filipino
American</a>. musical group.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">We
were only half way through the
first half of the event and
we were kinda tired so when
the musical group began their forth piece we bailed. We missed
seeing <a href="http://www.annahalprin.org/">Anna
Halprin</a>. And that was sad.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think there's more than one mind set you hold when you
view art. If you go to a performance of ballet, or even
modern dance, a symphony, something where the people
involved do nothing but what they are going to do that
night, you look for a level of professionalism. A standard
of sorts.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
was more like community theater. All around the idea
of creativity in the elder community. So the standard
is different. Not lower. Wider. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
event had quite a lot packed into one evening and it
was a bit fragmented. I was there because Danelle wanted
to go see something but I had heard about it on KPFA
and was happy to be there. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
felt like I neither got to spend time with them nor
got to see the event. Negotiating the needs of everyone,
time and geography shaped our experience. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I'm still trying to sort through the thoughts
I had about art and standard while I was there. I think
it's true that standard is reductive. Just like when
you reduce things in cooking to make a flavor dense
and specific. Less reduction and the flavor is still
there but it isn't quite as vivid. And sometimes that's
what you want. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(908)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_908"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:41
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e608" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e608"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e608"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
brain is so full of thought
right now it seems like I can
feel the cells banging against
my skull. I'm having trouble
finding one thing to type
about. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was in a bad mood. But. Maybe
I won't start there. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><strike>Yoga.
Yoga was </span></strike></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">No.
Not there either. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'll
get back to all that. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/February2004.htm#e520">back</a> at city hall yesterday
acting as language hawk for
the <a href="http://sfgov.org/site/bdsupvrs_page.asp?id=20406">task
force on childhood nutrition
and physical activity</a>. <a href="http://www.metroactive.com/papers/sfmetro/02.01.99/wann-9903.html">Marilyn</a>
was there as fellow language
hawk. <a href="http://www.feelinggoodfitness.com/">Jennifer</a>
sits on the task force. As does
Elena and <a href="http://www1.law.ucla.edu/~williamsproj/programs/rothblum.html">Esther</a>
and a number of other folks
who are not necessarily <a href="http://www.radiancemagazine.com/fall99_health.htm">HAES</a>
folks. There were report backs
from the small working groups.
Nothing too egregious. Relatively
speaking. I'm always gonna have
issues. <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/03/31/BAG7E5U4AU1.DTL">This
lovely article</a> had been
sent to us all before the meeting.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
were two things that stood
out for me as emerging images.
The school district is pleased
with itself because they've
taken out all the soda and junk
food vending machines and replaced
them with vending machines that
sell yogurt and bottles of water.
I'm fine with all that. I'm
happy the vending machines are
out of the schools for a <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/news/mustreads/2000/07/071000.html">number</a>
of <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/news/feature/2001/01/soda.html">reasons</a>. But apparently what's
happening is that there are
roach coaches driving up near
school and selling the kids
all the crap they can smuggle
in. And there are the corner
stores. Kids are in the corner stores. Stocking up.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Also.
It seems there's a new trend
for adults. They wear little
speedometers so they can keep
track of how many miles they
walk every day. One person suggested
giving the kids these things.
This combined with a woman talking
about Nike giving free shoes
to kids who do physical activity.
She also mentioned a laundry
list of corporate sponsors for
things, one of which was Bectel.
I just wanted to say - remember
<a href="http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/bolivia/timeline.html">Cochabamaba</a>.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had these vision of a developing
underground for snack foods.
Guys in trench coats selling
chips and soda to kids in the
school yard. And kids being
handed Nikes and speedometers
as they enter kindergarten.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">However.
I should confess that I'd spent
an hour sitting on the steps
of city hall reading <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0679733736">Camus</a>
and I was in a raging internal
philosophical storm. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
this is my problem. My day was
just full of thinking. Even
as I did <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga</a>. And reading on
the bus, while I ate lunch and
that hour on the steps. My brain
was processing information on
a zillion different levels.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
told the task force a story
about a friend of mine's son.
He might be called fat. Hard
for me to say since I'm always
surprised by who is called fat.
He eats a full range of foods.
Good food and junk food. He's
quite active. Happy. Charming.
Adorable. Smart. Funny. Talented.
OK. I'll stop. Anyway. His very
good friend is thin but has
a very narrow band of food that
he will eat and he won't drink
water. Only soda or juice. They
were having a Easter morning
sugar festival. Then they wanted
to go visit another friend.
It was walking distance. But
meant walking up and down a
few hills. My friend was telling
them to walk and the thin kid was begging for a ride.
He said, "I'm skinny. I don't need exercise."
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Uh
huh.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
task force is there because of the <a href="http://www.techcentralstation.com/040804F.html">obesity
epidemic</a>. We may have gotten them to stop using
weight as a proxy out loud but they still use it when
they think we aren't listening. As I told the story
they nodded but their eyes were glazed. Still It's on
the pubic record. And Marilyn spoke out about the speedometers
setting up a hierarchy of assessment for kids. So rather
than walking for the love of movement they walk for
points on a chart. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
most troubling moment was when a woman said that kids
who are eligible for free lunch are also eligible for
fee wavers on SAT's and that maybe if they refused to
eat their school lunch they shouldn't get their fee
waver. The reasoning in that gave me the spins. Other
people in the room said things about not connecting
food behaviors and academics accessibility. Phew. I'm
tellin ya. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
bad mood. My bad mood was before all that. And I may
have to write a whole separate post about it. Yoga didn't
help. In some ways yoga made it worse. Sally had us
doing new things. Which is good. But. I just wasn't
in the mood. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was really Camus on the steps of city hall that turned
me around. There wasn't enough time for me to get the
bus from yoga to home and back to city hall so I had
some lunch and then had all this time. I sat on
the steps and read. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><i>Tenacity
and acumen are privileged spectators of this inhuman
show in which absurdity, hope, and death carry on their
dialogue. </i>-Camus</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">By
the time I entered that room of well meaning health
folks I was in an altered state. I listened to them
and wondered if they could hear themselves. Most of
them are really very nice people. Maybe it's because
I've heard so many stories about kids who were denied
candy or chips as kids. They found ways to get the forbidden.
Don't we all? And then they entered into that loopy
world of food obsession and eating disorder. And the
tension I feel when corporate sponsorship gets brought
up is ...well....phew. Maybe it's inevitable. Somewhere
a poor kid in the USA is being given a free pair of
shoes so that they can do exercise in an environment
of cultural panic about body size. The shoes are made
by a poor kid in Indonesia. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Absurdity.
Hope. Death. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
I have more. I'm still sorting. </span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(909)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_909"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:09
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e609" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e609"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e609"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
15</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I noticed <a href="http://www.jodyvilandre.com/">a blog</a>
in my refers and a post which may have been responding
to <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e603">my
thinking about deaf community and fat community</a>
and the formation of identity. Or just general stuff.
Her post (which doesn't seem to have a perma link) was
about being a quadriplegic.</span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="549">
<tr>
<td width="543">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I'm starting to wrap my mind around being a quadriplegic. I'm not accepting it,
exactly, and I certainly don't like it. But I feel calmer about it and I think
it's because we did the stem cells and even though they didn't work (so far,
anyway... Today is the three-month mark), I feel like I have done everything I
can do at this point. Within reason, that is. -Jody</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
post stayed with me all day, through the bad mood and
yoga and lunch and the reading on the steps of city
hall and the task force.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Suzanne
was the first person to make a connection for me around
ideas of health and weight and ableism. I just hadn't
thought about it before. And my thoughts
about the connections are still forming. What I take
from Jody's post is a feeling of being with what is
and staying open to possibility. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">For
me, size acceptance isn't about getting fat, or trying
to get fat, or trying to stay fat. It's about waking
up one morning and deciding that you aren't going to
reject how ever many pounds are described as extra.
You aren't going to hate them any more. And that is
the first morning in a shift of identity. You stop being
separate from parts of your body. And maybe, for some
people, there's a race to the nearest food court to
eat all the things you've been avoiding. But that's
really not a central issue. Or, I should say, it wasn't
a central issue for me. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
was central was a slow reconstruction of the way I imagined
life in a body. And a rebuilding of identity. There
was a lot of ire. A lot of shifting inner loyalty. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Coincidentally
enough <a href="http://www.fatso.com/">Marilyn</a> said
something about ableism today. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="579">
<tr>
<td width="573">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Perhaps everyone's already thought of this, but there's a ton of
ableism embedded in the notion of health.<BR>In fact, now that I consider
it from this angle, I imagine that all of the popular prejudices have wee
colonial outposts in the notion of health. (Racism, sexism, agism, class
divides, homophobia, they're all there, along with good old weight
prejudice.)<BR>In other words, the "picture" of "health" is a thin white
heterosexual able-bodied wealthy young man. </span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Camus
talks about the time Sisyphus spends going down the
hill. He gets the rock to the top and then it rolls
back down and then he must go down and get it. What
does he think about? Does he think about futility?
Despair? He's going through this for eternity after
all. Maybe he thinks about futility and despair for
awhile but then.... </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">He
might begin to reminisce. He might start telling himself
jokes. He might begin to notice what the hill looks
like. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">You
just wake up one morning and you begin to incorporate.
I</span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">t's
not a vertical process. It's about being with what is.
It's not about giving up. It's about being awake and
not using a system of assessment that makes everything
an either/or. It's about a calm inner moment of knowing.
This is who I am. </span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
whatever happens next is possibility. Wide. Open. Possiblity.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kristina
told me the title for <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0679720200">The
Stranger </a>came from a poem by <a href="http://www4.wittenberg.edu/academics/engl/newpage/paragraf-baud2.html">Baudelaire</a>.</span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="315">
<tr>
<td width="309">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Whom do you love the best, enigmatic man? Tell me. </FONT>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">Your father,
your mother, your sister or your brother?<BR>I have neither father nor
mother, nor sister, nor brother.<BR>Your friends?<BR>You help yourself to
a word there </FONT></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">whose sense leaves me clueless to this day.<BR>Your country
then?<BR>I don't even know which latitude it resides
in.<BR>Beauty?<BR>Beauty, capital B? </FONT></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">I would love her willingly, were she
a goddess and immortal.<BR>Gold!<BR>I hate it as much as you hate
God.<BR>Well! What do you love, extraordinary stranger?<BR>I
love the clouds, </FONT></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">the clouds that pass, comme ci, comme �a </FONT></p>
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans" size="1">above
and beyond<BR>the marvellous ineffable clouds!</FONT></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(910)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_910"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:11
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e610" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e610"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e610"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
16</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
blaming Camus for everything. My mood. My accelerated
thought process. My need to talk about everything all
at the same time. Except. I actually do often need to
talk about everything all at the same time. So. I guess
I'll just blame him for the other stuff. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Blogging.
I mean. Jeez. There are so many blogs. It's mind boggling.
Or bloggling. Heh. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
From <a href="http://www.jodyvilandre.com/">Jody's blog</a>
I jumped to <a href="http://pinkadelic.typepad.com/body/">another
blog</a> and then <a href="http://twilightcafe.blogs.com/twilightcafe/">to
another</a> and then to the <a href="http://degrees.typepad.com/writing/">Writing
Salon,</a> which I knew about because <a href="http://raysweatman.typepad.com/">Ray</a>
had mentioned it but I hadn't spent much time reading
it. And <a href="http://degrees.typepad.com/writing/whiskey_river/index.html">there</a>
was <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/">Whiskey
River.</a> I got quite excited. It was like I'd found
the secret hiding place. I remembered <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000561.html#000561">Kurt's
dream</a> so I went there to find a link to it and in
his post today he had a <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000578.html#000578">morning
verse</a>. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="137">
<tr>
<td width="131"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">Just before daybreak<BR>a wisp of cloud<BR>above the pines</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
that reminded me of the <a href="http://www4.wittenberg.edu/academics/engl/newpage/paragraf-baud2.html">Baudelaire</a>.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Phew.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
having a giggle fit. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are all these new people and some how they circle back
to my own blogroll. Where there are <a href="http://raysweatman.typepad.com/youliveyourlife/">people</a>
I <a href="http://cocokat.com./">am</a> <a href="http://savoradin.com/">missing.</a>
And <a href="http://www.whistleandfish.com/">people</a>
I was worried about losing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
week began on awkward footing. By Wednesday I was crumbling.
And it had to with thinking about myself in relationship
to people. Perhaps because I'd seen an old friend. I
thought I might write about it but it isn't quite in
focus. Just a vague fumbling sense of a shifting context.
And a love of ineffable clouds. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(911)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_911"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:10
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e611" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e611"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e611"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
17</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got off the <a href="http://www.streetcar.org/">F
line</a> down by the wharf and
there was a man inside a trash
can holding a sign that said,
"white trash." He
was welcoming us to SF in a raucous, garrulous manner.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
is a part of the wharf where people s<a href="http://www.theinsider.com/SF/Photos/fwmime.htm">tand
in a pose</a> until someone puts money in a cup. Then
they move robot-like. Or <a href="http://www.theinsider.com/SF/Photos/fwmusician.htm">play
music</a>. It's a carnival. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I had just been on a restored old streetcar from Italy,
on which the signs are all in Italian. I'd been reading
<a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0679733736">you
know who</a> for most of an hour while we chugged the
length of Market street and made the turn onto Embarcadero.
</span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="248">
<tr>
<td width="242">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><span class="rss:item" style="font-size:9pt;"><font face="Lucida Sans">For
an absurd work of art to be possible, thought
in it's most lucid form must be involved
in it. But at the same time thought must
not be apparent except as the regulating
intelligence. The paradox can be explained
according to the absurd.</font></span></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
it would seem.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(912)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_912"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:18
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e612" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e612"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e612"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
18</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Some
days I just can't start. I slept badly. Woke up with
the sheets in one direction and the blanket in the other.
I've been doing my usual Sunday morning. Radio/blog/
breakfast. I'm just doing it very slowly and without
much brain cell response. I'm trying to remember my
dreams. Something about swimming. Not sure. I took a
shower in hopes that it would jog some brain cell function.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
watched all of <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/soundandfury/">Sound
and Fury</a> yesterday. My thoughts are pretty much
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e603">the
same</a>. There was twenty extra minutes on the DVD.
I love that about DVDs. There are two families connected
by marriage. One gets a cochlear implant for their deaf
child and one does not. The one that doesn't moves to
Maryland so that their children can go to a very <a href="http://www.msd.edu/">good
school</a> and live in a community of deaf people. The
family who did get the implant thinks the other family
is abusive because they aren't giving their child a
way to hear. I was struck by the vigor of their opinion.
The surgery is so invasive and dramatic. It was almost
as if in order to feel OK about it they had to make
the other family very wrong. These are enormous and
very personal decisions. I don't think it can be talked
about in terms of right and wrong. I'm with the deaf
people who understand deafness as an identity. And I
think that even if a deaf child gets the implant they
should learn ASL. And, as always, I wonder about the
people who can't afford to even think about costly surgery.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the beginning of the film one of the deaf men says that
if he was offered a pill to make him a hearing
person he wouldn't take it. I've said that about being
fat. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
also watched <a href="http://www.finelinefeatures.com/sweet/">The
Sweet Hereafter</a>, which was complex, beautiful and
somewhat disturbing. There was extra stuff on the DVD,
including <a href="http://www.barclayagency.com/banks.html">Russel
Banks</a> reading from the book. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was a lot of stuff to take in and maybe that's why I
slept badly. I can't tell. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
when I'm like this I wonder if some thing is brewing. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(913)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_913"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 4:09
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e613" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e613"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e613"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
<a href="http://www.tvturnoff.org/">turn
off your television week.</a>
A very good idea. And it seems
to me there is less and less
to watch on TV. There are whole
evenings here when the TV is off.
But my TV is on <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353">channel
26</a> during the day, a lot.
It is odd that I find the sound
of public policy so comforting.
But I do. I listen to about
an hour of MSNBC, or CNN a day.
I can't really deal with more.
I listen to CSPAN, especially
Book TV. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Not
that all my television watching
is information. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not much on most reality TV.
In fact I find it loathsome.
But I do have a weakness for
the <a href="http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/surprisebydesign/surprisebydesign.html">home</a>
<a href="http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/cleansweep/cleansweep.html">makeover</a>
<a href="http://www.bbcamerica.com/genre/home_living/ground_force_america/ground_force_america.jsp">things</a>.
Which I think might be because
it's fun to watch things change.
I have been watching <a href="http://www.startingovertv.com/">Starting
Over</a> because I like to talk
personal
process with Ari and she
watches it. And I like <a href="http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_jo">some
cooking shows</a>. Adrienne
told me about the upcoming <a href="http://www.foodtv.com/food/show_ia/text/0,1976,FOOD_16696_19048,00.html">Iron
Chef challenge</a>. I'm psyched
for that. I interviewed with
<a href="http://www.foodtv.com/food/show_ia/article/0,1976,FOOD_16696_2761168,00.html">Bobby
Flay</a> once, when <a href="http://www.mesagrill.com/about.htm">Mesa</a>
first opened. He seemed like
a nice
guy. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
could ignore all that for a week. But last night was the first night
of <a href="http://www.nbc.com/The_Restaurant/">The
Restaurant</a>. It is true that
I got sick of the first one.
Too much product placement and
too many shots of the NYC skyline.
<a href="http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/show_jk">Jamie's
kitchen</a> was so much more
real. But I just love the restaurant
stuff. I've been through it
all. The money people who decide
that they know how to run a
restaurant and hire managers
who fuck with the quality of
the food. Oh yeah. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">To
be fair, Rocco is busy doing
the star chef thing, flirting
and promoting <a href="http://www.roccodispirito.com/">himself
and his book</a>. And the place
is 600,000 dollars in debt!!!
Jeez. How does that happen?
Still. Watching the money
man and his band of managers
enter the restaurant I was just
remembering every place where
I'd every worked and had the
same experience. I could feel
the tension in the staff. Now
it's a pissing contest
between Rocco and the money
guy.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
never, never want to work in
a place like that again. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
my television is on. And off.
And it' s true that I sometimes indulge in crap television.
Ah well. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(914)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_914"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:42
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e614" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e614"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e614"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
posting rhythm is all over the map these days. I don't
think it's a big problem just a reflection of my life.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">This
morning I woke up tired again. Third morning in a row.
I'm blaming hormones, although there's no evidence of
that. I was still in bed when the phone rang. Awake.
But still in bed. Trying to find the will to wake up.
This isn't typical. I don't actually like sleeping.
When it happens I think hormones. It was only eight
o'clock but that's late for me. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Kristina
was calling. She has re-entered the world of <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">on
line journaling</a>. Happily. We talked about Camus.
And I gotta say that I love waking up to a conversation
about Camus. It's better than coffee. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just
as we were winding down the phone beeped. It was Mom.
Every now and again she'll call during the day. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Finally
I got into motion, baked some muffins and took a shower.
Looked through the job sites that I go to. The day is
almost done. I'm having one of those whatthefuckiswrongwithme
moments.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I find that I'm reticent to write about my down times
after <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e591">the</a>
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e593">storm</a>
<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e594">earlier</a>
this month. I was so shocked when I realized that I
had a reader who held such a low opinion of me. Someone
who I didn't feel got the whole context of my life.
Now I feel like I need to be silent about my down times
or I may be accused of hosting a pity party. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I've
been accused (and I use the word accused intentionally)
of being a personal blogger. One of the things I like
about blogging is the idea that writing about doing
my laundry might actually be fun for someone to read.
I like reading about people's daily lives. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
didn't really know how deeply I felt the sting until
I sat here feeling like I better not write that I'm
tired. I'm not miserable. I'm not done in. I'm just
frustrated. One of the things I like about blogging
is that I can write a post when I'm not feeling that
writerly. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Oh.
I dunno. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
really OK. I'm just trying to get some rev up. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(915)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_915"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 5:22
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> <span class="rss:item"><a id="e615" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e615"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e615"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
20</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
of the things I've hated about having the political
(cough) leaders is that when things <a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2004/04/20/international0132EDT0419.DTL">get
bad</a> I find myself taking hope. Hope that people
will vote them out of office. I've been thinking about
this since <a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan
</a>linked this picture. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="316">
<tr>
<td width="310" height="258">
<p><a href="http://lunaville.org/warcasualties/Summary.aspx"><img src="iraq-coffins.jpg" width="311" height="263" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
<a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/102203B.shtml">was
a ban</a> on <a href="http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/111003A.shtml">publishing
pictures</a> of the coffins. But now we're seeing them.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
image stayed with me and I remembered the <a href="http://www.susansontag.com/regardingpainexcerpt.htm">Sontag
book.</span></a></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="652">
<tr>
<td width="646"><P align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><FONT face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Invoking this hypothetical shared experience ("we
are seeing with you the same dead bodies, the same ruined houses"), Woolf
professes to believe that the shock of such pictures cannot fail to unite people
of good will. Does it? To be sure, Woolf and the unnamed addressee of this
book-length letter are not any two people. Although they are separated by the
age-old affinities of feeling and practice of their respective sexes, as Woolf
has reminded him, the lawyer is hardly a standard-issue bellicose male. His
antiwar opinions are no more in doubt than are hers. After all, his question was
not, What are your thoughts about preventing war? It was, How in your
opinion are we to prevent war?</span></FONT></P></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Part
of me was happy to see the picture and I'm sad about
that. It's not a picture that should bring anything
but sorrow. But I want people to want to vote him out
of office. And,yet, there really is no reason to believe
that people will feel what I feel when they see that
picture. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
I take a breath and try to let go of the rage. And hold
the sorrow. And still hope. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(916)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_916"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 11:04
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e616" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e616"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e616"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
21</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Late
last night I got a call from my aunt. She's mailing
me a box of things before the sale begins. She's selling
most of her possessions, her car and the family house.
She's in a nursing home. I think that's such a crazy
thing to have to do. I've sold most of my possessions
a few times. But that was because I needed money. For
my aunt it's kinda like cleaning up before she leaves.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
not sure what she's sending. I think a quilt, maybe
her silver, some family photos. My mom started telling
me what I was getting in her will ten years ago.
I find it kind of annoying. My aunt asked what I wanted.
She has a house full of antiques. But I'm just not feeling
the idea of pulling up in front of her house with a
U Haul. It's all so fraught. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
feel like once she gets everything sold and "cleaned
up" she won't have a reason to be here any more.
She's in constant pain. She can't do much. While Dad
was still alive she had a sense of needing to take care
of him. Even though they were both in the same nursing
home being cared for by nurses. Once the sale is finished...</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
aunt has a great personal story. But I'm not sure it's
mine to tell. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(917)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_917"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 8:52
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e617" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e617"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e617"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was some chat about Bob Dylan's appearance on a <a href="http://www2.victoriassecret.com/html/popup/dylan/videoHigh.html">Victoria's
Secret commercial</a>. It's pretty much died down. But
I'm still thinking about it. Perhaps because I was reading
an essay by Camus in which he talks about sensualists.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I saw the commercial I thought it might well signal
the end of civilization. Although, I have the end of
civilization thought about once a day now. First there's
the idea of Bob in a commercial at all. If it were a
commercial for Berkinstocks I'd be bummed. I hate hearing
Phobe Snow's voice in commercials. There are just some
people who I don't want to do commercials. Actually,
there are no people I want to do commercials. I want
all the commercials to go away. But then (and maybe
this is really first) there's the horror of the Victoria
Secret toxic idea of beauty.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
remember a few years ago, around Christmas time, I heard
some interesting music coming from the TV, which was
to my left. I looked over and saw women in thongs and
push up bras, all of the women with big wings.
It felt like being hit with ice water. How are hetero
young men supposed to learn about what women look like
and what makes someone attractive when these images
come at them from everywhere? How are young women supposed
to feel about their own bodies when they look at these
images? And what does it convey about sensuality and
longing and beauty? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Joni
Mitchell is a sensualist. She who <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/ChelseaMorning.cfm">made
milk and toast and honey and a bowl of oranges too</a>
sound like communion. Who noted <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/Hejira.cfm">the
slightest touch of a stranger set a trembling in her
bones</a> and <a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/ComeInFromTheCold.cfm">the
touch of finger tips make her circuitry explode</a>.
<a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/lessoninsurvival.cfm">Deep
kisses and the sun going down</a>. Can you imagine her
in a Calvin Klein underwear commercial? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
read an interview with Bob Dylan once a long time ago
in which he was asked what a woman should do if she
wanted to be with him. he answered, "Tell me everything."
It was and may still be the sexist thing I'd ever heard.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't know how I can tell him this. There are no words
for the way this hurts. People have speculated on why
he did it. I don't really care why. I'm tired of hearing
men who I admire explain why these images are not that
big a deal. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://www.jmdl.com/lyrics/ComeInFromTheCold.cfm">Joni
sings.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="256">
<tr>
<td width="250">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I feel your leg under the table
</span></font>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Leaning into mine
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">I feel renewed
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
I feel disabled
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">By these bonfires in my spine
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">
I don't know who the arsonist was
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Which incendiary soul
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">But all I ever wanted
</span></font></p>
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">Was just to come in from the cold
</span></font>
</p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(918)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_918"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 1:12
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e618" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e618"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e618"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Sometimes
days go by and I don't talk out loud. It's the nature
of living alone. Which is not to say that I don't talk
to myself. Out loud. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yesterday
I talked to Suzanne for a few minutes before I left
for yoga. I talked a little bit to my fellow yoga grrrls.
I had lunch with Alexandra and talked. A lot. I came
home and called <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/redzenradish/">Kristina</a>.
Then Suzanne called and then Ari called and then I called
Suzanne again. I talked. All day. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
the middle of the night I woke up with a sore throat.
It made me laugh. This used to happen to me when I had
a band. I'd lose my voice after a night of singing.
And that was a worry if I had to go back and sing again
the next night. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">My
voice is rough this morning and my throat is still a
little bit sore. But I loved every minute of all that
talking. We solved the problems of the world yesterday.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(919)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_919"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:28
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e619" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e619"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e619"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
my aunt called she asked about my weight. She always
does. She asked something like, "Are you gaining,
or losing; what are you eating?" I said. "I'm
neither gaining nor losing. I had Swiss chard, mushrooms,
chicken and pasta for dinner." </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
said, " Oh, the fancy stuff." </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe
if I'd said chard and not Swiss chard. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
was thinking about all that just now. Because I'm sitting
here shelling <strike>English</strike></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">
peas. </span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(920)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_920"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 5:32
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e620" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e620"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e620"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
22</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/">Pattie</a>
has an intersting new project. <a href="http://fattypatties.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_fattypatties_archive.html#108234282553035362">She's
writing a book and going on tour.</a> While they
travel they're going to gatherer info for <a href="http://culturalconstructioncompany.com/ampletraveler.htm">another
project.</a> To fund all this she is selling <a href="http://culturalconstructioncompany.com/booksale.htm">some
books.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://culturalconstructioncompany.com/stigma.htm">All
good stuff.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(921)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_921"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 7:42
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e621" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e621"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e621"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
<a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2004/04/22/national1044EDT0530.DTL">woman
lost her job</a> for the pictures
I <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e615">wrote
about</a> the other day. And
I'm back to my discomfort about
how happy I am that the pictures
are being seen. It seems appropriate
to feel uncomfortable. I'm
not, however, the least bit uncomfortable
about how angry I am that this
woman was fired. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There's
a way in which my feelings about
the war are hard and unyielding.
And I want to be able to hold
my resolve and not feel so rigid.
But when things are so out of
proportion it feels like being
hard and unyielding is the only
way to be. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
SF DA, who I didn't vote for, is
taking <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/04/14/BAGPP64NE314.DTL">a
courageous stand against the
death penalty.</a> She's under
enormous pressure. The mayor
I didn't vote for took a stand
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/04/10/dd_marriage01.jpg&paper=chronicle&file=DDGM662C751.DTL&directory=/c/a/2004/04/10&type=entertainment">for</a>
<a href="http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object.cgi?paper=chronicle&file=DDGM662C751.DTL&directory=/c/a/2004/04/10&type=entertainment&object=/chronicle/pictures/2004/04/10/dd_marriage02.jpg">love.</a>
So I understand that I live
in a city where the left is left of the left. I may
not have a clear sense of how people react to things.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Michael
had an <a href="http://michaelgates.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_michaelgates_archive.html#108259627557159146">interesting
experience</a> the other day. It reminded me of a conversation
I had with Mom in which she said the Laura and George
just looked like good people and Bill and Hillary did
not. My mother isn't a stupid person. When she says
things like that I am stunned. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am hyper-aware of how image creates opinion. Thinking
about the pictures of the coffins it occurred to me
that there will be people who will attach all kinds
of jingoism to the pictures and it won't have the impact
I think should. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
so it is. I'm thinking a lot about how to hold my own
feelings about things and sustain an awareness of complexity
and be able to have a conversation with <strike>my
mom</strike></span></font><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> people
who hold different opinions.</span></span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(922)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_922"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:48
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e621" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e621"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e621"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
23</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
haven't totally swallowed the <a href="http://www.bloglines.com/">Bloglines</a>
Kool ade yet. I understand the appeal. But I miss the
faces. Sometimes when I dream about bloggers, especially
those who don't put their pictures on their sites, I
see them as their page. The colors, the text, the images.
I love that moment when the page opens and I see all
the buttons and photos and links. I love it when people
change their design. I haven't taken the time to enter
people in my blog lines ... uh ... thing. I keep thinking
I should do that and experiment for a few days. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there's <a href="http://www.airamericaradio.com/">Air
America.</a> I don't love it. I like some of it. I like
<a href="http://www.airamericaradio.com/pub/prg6About.htm">Janene.</a>
They certainly have been <a href="http://www.majorityreportradio.com/weblog/archives/000077.html">supportive
of blogs</a>. But. It's kinda like listening to Fox
TV, only I agree with the opinions. I hate the commercials.
I know I'm spoiled because I have <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
and <a href="http://www.kalw.org/">KALW</a>. I know
they're the last drink of water in the desert for many
people and they're certainly more interesting than most
television. But. On the first day Randi Rhodes said
something about how we all were OK with the war in Afghanistan.
Huh? I'm just not big on the talk radio hyperbolic
style. It can be fun. Sometimes.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But.
I mean. Can someone speculate on why I'm not linked
by <a href="http://www.msmagazine.com/blog/default.asp">Ms.
Musings?</a> I dunno. Any theories? I know I was
mentioned to them. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">What
ever. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Do
I sound cranky? I'm not really. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Asparagus
and peas. Two great tastes. Taste great together. Especially
with smashed Yukon golds and medallions of lamb. I was
thinking about how Renee took issue with saying smashed
instead of mashed as I smashed away with my fork in
a somewhat graceless manner and stopped smashing as
soon as I had the potatoes in a lumpy pile. I can make
mashed potatoes. But. I didn't. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just sayin. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Are
we <a href="http://www.otoons.com/eso/c/c1.htm">here</a>
yet? Via <a href="http://whiskeyriver.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_whiskeyriver_archive.html#108274072335851950">Whiskey
River.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(922)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_922"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 10:19
PM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e623" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e623"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e623"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
24</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was twenty-one I had a crush
on a young man. One evening
I talked him into going to a
bar with me. The idea was that
I would get us drunk and then
get us horizontal. And hopefully
we wouldn't be too drunk because
the being horizontal part was supposed to be the beginning
of something beautiful. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">As
we arrived at the door of the
bar he changed his mind about
going in. He was a responsible
young man. Not given to the
bar life. I on the other hand,
given the choice between going
home alone and possibility, went right on in to the
bar. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
was a cowboy band playing <a href="http://www.texasplayboys.net/">Bob
Wills</a>. I was drinking gin
and smoking filter less cigarettes.
A tall extremely thin young man with long scraggy
black hair came walking in.
We took one look at each other
and the rest was not particularly
memorable. But it was fruitful.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"> I'd
been on the pill for a few years
but just then I'd been poor
and I wasn't getting lucky that
often. I
was working as a dishwasher. It was stupid. It was
almost as if I was trying to
prove that the fat girl could
get laid. It wasn't calculated.
It was part of a messy disoriented
youth.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">After
a few months of waking up in
the morning and running to the
bathroom to be sick, I decided
to take a pregnancy test, which
at the time was not available
over the counter. I went to
Planned Parenthood. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Maybe if it had been
the young man I wanted I might
have had the baby. I can't say
for sure. I can indulge in a
long list of maybe if this and
maybe if that but I can't know.
It was not the first time that
I had one man in my heart
and a different man in my bed.
But I didn't know the man and
I didn't want to bring a baby into my entirely unplanned
life. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had an abortion.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
continued to drink and smoke
and go to cowboy bars and I
became very run down and got
an infection. A month later
I was in the emergency
ward in the middle of the night
doubled over in pain. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
not the kind of story you offer
up with no good reason. It is
in <a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/Avoirdupois.htm">my
book</a>. And there are ways
in which it's in my book because
I'm still trying to prove that
the fat girl could get laid.
But it's also there because
I wanted to describe how I used
my body. After years of being
told that my body wasn't right
I had very little sense of the
value of my body. So I poisoned
it and I gave it away. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
don't actually have any regrets.
I know that I was feeling my
way along. I wanted to be Janis
Joplin. I wanted to be wild.
I wanted to not care about the
young man who changed his mind.
I wanted to prove I could get
what I wanted. It was messy.
It was chaotic. But it was my
life. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
no child had to walk that messy,
chaotic, uninformed, fumbling,
path with me. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
have sorrow about it. But I don't
have regret. I was emotionally
immature. I was flailing. But
looking back I also know I had
learned to hate my body and
doubt my sexuality. I was hurling
myself against life. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
why am I writing about it today?
Because I can't be in <a href="http://www.marchforwomen.org/">Washington
DC.</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
used to think that if I could figure out enough about
why I was who I was I could avoid mess and calm chaos.
In some ways that's true but in some ways it's not.
There's never been a time when I didn't feel like I
was trying to understand. This story isn't about an
epiphany. There are no profound conclusions to be drawn.
There may be people who will judge my mess and my chaos.
There usually are people who think they know what you
should have done. There is one thing that I draw from
the story. One thing for which I am profoundly grateful.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
had a choice. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(924)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_924"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:07
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e624" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e624"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e624"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
</font><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">C-SPAN
is at the <a href="http://www.latimes.com/extras/festivalofbooks/">LA book festival.</a>
I could say I wished I was there
but it wouldn't be true. I'd
be spinning in a circle not
sure where to go first. And
I'd need a gazillion dollars
to buy books. This way I can
sit in my pajamas with the keyboard
at my finger tips and a glass
of <a href="http://honesttea.com/teas/bottles/blackforestberry.html">iced
tea.</a> </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
listened to a <a href="http://www.latimes.com/extras/festivalofbooks/program_panelsSat.html">panel
discussion</a> on the seduction
of war hosted by <a href="http://www.identitytheory.com/people/birnbaum47.html">Samantha
Power</a>. <a href="http://www.lightlink.com/xine/myth/hillman_bks.html">James
Hillman</a> was on the panel
because he has a <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-1594200114-0">book</a>
coming out. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
saw Hillman speak when <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/0811813274/macinsearch08-20/701-4338189-3529153">Dream
Animals</a> came out. A person
in the audience asked him a
question and Hillman stood there,
a tall elegant man, one arm
crossed over his chest, the
other elbow resting on it, a
finger resting against his lip.
He stood there looking at the
person and the silence was loud
but not tense. But people don't
always like silence. You could
almost feel the people in the
room holding their breath. And
when he answered the question
it was my impression that it
was deeply considered.
I don't remember the question.
I don't remember the answer.
I remember the way he stood
there. I try to remember it
when I'm in a conversation in
which I feel flustered. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
was an interesting discussion.
Although a bit rushed at the
end. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
then there was a discussion
about Brown vs the Board of
Education some interviews with
individual authors. Good book fun.
And then there was a panel on
manufacturing fear in America
on which was the mighty <a href="http://www.obesitymyth.com/author.html">Paul
Campos.</a> <a href="http://www.buzzflash.com/interviews/03/04/10_glassner.html">Barry
Glassner</a> was the moderator.
I like <a href="http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0465014909-0">his
book</a> although I haven't
read it all. The panel was a
bit odd since there were very
serious discussion about foreign
policy mixed with mentions of
Art Bell and the diet industry.
But Campos was articulate and
engaging.</span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="612">
<tr>
<td width="606">
<p align="justify" style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">To the tens of millions of Americans who are being made miserable by the lies of
the weight loss industry, and its mouthpieces in the medical and public health
establishments, I would say this: Rejecting those lies requires nothing less
than an act of personal and social revolt. And nothing less than a revolution is
needed to overthrow America�s eating-disordered culture, with its loathing of
the most minimal body diversity, its neurotic oscillation between guilt-ridden
bingeing and anorexic self-starvation, and its pathological fear of food,
pleasure, and life itself. <b><a href="http://www.obesitymyth.com/book.html">more</a></b></span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Well,
yes. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
will be more of the festival of books on one <a href="http://inside.c-spanarchives.org:8080/cspan/fullschedule.csp">C-SAN</a>
and <a href="http://www.marchforwomen.org/">the march</a>
on the other C-SPAN. <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/highlights/index.php#3517">KPFA</a>
is broadcasting from DC. While other people are taking
a media break I have two screens and the radio going.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yep.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
did turn off all the media for a while yesterday. And
I sent my thoughts to <a href="http://www.kuidaosumi.com/Updates/jenjournal.html">Jenni</a>
and <a href="http://www.nps.gov/manz/home.htm">Manzanar</a>. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(925)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_925"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span><font size="1"> </font></font><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> 9:53
AM</font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e625" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e625"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e625"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
25</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
3<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:00
PM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It's
the middle of the day and I'm still watching
the march on C-SPAN. KPFA stopped their
coverage, which was OK because the time
is a little off. It's kind of like watching
an old martial arts movie in which the mouths
are moving and the sound comes later. Or
earlier. Even the CPSAN coverage has been on
and off. But mostly on.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
it's just fun and moving and huge. Lot's
of star power. <a href="http://www.righteous-babe.com/ani/index.asp">Ani</a>
was just singing. Madeleine Albright spoke.
Which was cogitative dissonance at it's
best. But the point was made again and again
that this is a coalition, not a cult. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
while I'm watching/listening, I've been
playing with the site. Making little buttons.
Wishing I know more than I know. It's the
perfect tedious spaced out work to do. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
flipped over to the book festival and Karen
Hughes was on. She's being booed and asked
challenging questions. Maybe there is hope.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(926)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_926"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e626" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e626"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e626"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
26</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:27
AM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
sort of forgot about the <a href="http://www.foodtv.com/food/show_ia/text/0,1976,FOOD_16696_19048,00.html">Iron
Chef thing.</a> I caught a little bit of it
late last night. The
show is very campy. The food is over the
top. It's fun. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
last few times I made dinner I thought about
what I might do differently if I were cooking
for someone else. I do take care with what
I make for myself but not every time. Some
of the things you do for flavor, like adding
stock, can be problematic if you're cooking
for one. I don't always take the time to
cut some shallot. I don't have fresh herbs
around. I'm not beyond using some <a href="http://www.epicurious.com/promo/neareast/index.html">prefab
mixes.</span></a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the minute someone else is coming over my
mind goes into planning mode. Textures,
colors, salt, sweet, sour, savory, temperatures, season,
region dance around in my head. I want the food
to look good, smell good and, obviously taste good.
And if possible I want to put something together in
a way that's slightly different. Unexpected. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">When
I was cooking the i<a href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e619">nfamous</a>
SWISS chard, mushrooms, chicken and pasta dinner,
I was in just-get-it done mode. Even as I was
cooking I was thinking that I coulda/shoulda chopped
some shallot and/or garlic and I coulda/shoulda hit
the greens with some wine or balsamic vinegar and when
I took the pasta from the water to the pan with greens
and meat I thought I coulda/shoulda put some oil or
butter on it so that it didn't stick together. But I
didn't. It was still good. The pasta did get a little
clumpy but not much. It just didn't have the care I
would have taken if I were cooking for almost anyone
else. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">One
night last week I sauteed some mushrooms and then poured
in some miso chicken broth. Whole Foods makes these
juice box size containers of stock. Into that I tossed
some asparagus and then some soba noodles. The starch
from the noodles thickened the stock into a creamy,
almost gravy like sauce. I coulda/shoulda added some
rice wine vinegar, some green onion, some garlic, some
ginger, some mustard powder. But I didn't and it was
good and quite satisfying. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Professional
cooking is chop wood/carry water. Or more accurately
chop garlic/ carry stock pot. It's like Tibetan sand
painting. You need a combination of commitment and detachment.
If you're making 300 bowls of pasta in a row the work turns
into production line repetition. Each one an attempt
at art. Each one sent into the ocean of digestion. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
first. If everything goes well. The food will please
the eye. The nose. The tongue. Words will be exchanged.
Little moans will come from lips moving in rhythm with
consumption. If everything goes well there will be a
memory of that dinner in that restaurant. If not a detailed
memory, a feeling. A sense of having been satisfied.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Yes.
It's a fine way to make a living. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">And
I try to make that magic for myself. It is possible
to make magic for one self. Every once in a while I
put food on plate, or in a bowl and it's just so beautiful.
I take a minute to look at it and be pleased and happy
that I have some skills. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
Iron Chef thing is a sport. And cooking with men in
professional kitchens can some times feel like a sport.
A contact sport. I've been bashed with oven doors, splattered
with hot oil, shouted at, sworn at. And let me tell
you. I can bash, splatter, shout and swear with the
best of them. In the part of the show I watched Bobby
Flay had cut his finger and was still jamming around
the kitchen, moving in an arms and legs every where manner.
Making messes that I know he didn't clean up. But it
was still fun to watch. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
my own kitchen the dishes wait for me. And I like that
part. I like the feel of soap and water and the squeak
of clean. But I'm not an Iron Chef. I'm a cook. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(927)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_927"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p style="line-height:100%; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There's conscious and un- <BR>conscious or there's conscious
<BR>semi-conscious (self- <BR>hypnotized) and the various <BR>levels of
unconsciousness: dreams, and then <BR>below that <BR>is that grailish?
<BR><a href="http://www.durationpress.com/kenning/Notley.html">Alice Notley</a></span></font>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e627" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e627"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e627"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
27</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
10<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:02
AM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Once,
in NYC, I got a subway car that was empty.
I was happy about it being empty because I wanted a
seat. People would come through the doors
and then back out of the car in a hurry.
I began to wonder what I was missing. Finally I realized that the air conditioner
was off. It was pretty hot. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
part I didn't notice because I live in my
head. But I also spent my days standing
beside a 500 degree oven. Hot? I didn't
know from hot. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">These
days I am more temperature aware and it's
been hot in SF. Record breaking. But it
takes me a while to notice. When Karen was
here last year she bought a fan, which I
never thought I'd use. But I pulled it out
yesterday. Fans are cool. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Heh.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">It
does make me cranky. But I don't make the connection.
When I'm cranky I just try to talk myself off the ledge.
And then, in one moment of paying attention, I figure
out that a fan might help. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day Hillman, talking about our cultural addiction
to war, said, "The hardest thing is to wake up."
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(928)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_928"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e628" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e628"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e628"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
8<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:23
AM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
got the big box of stuff from my aunt. She
sent her silverware. It's very dear. There
a few matching settings and some odds and
ends. Beautiful soup spoons that don't really
match anything else. She sent two framed things, one is
the Parmeley family crest. I don't really
think we have a crest. I think my grandmom
might have bought it from an ad. And the
other is a crocheted doily like thing, also
of the name Parmeley. Sweet. In a
way. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">She
sent a quilt. Garish in the color choices
and pattern but, again, sweet. She collected
Royal Copenhagen Christmas plates and she
sent <a href="http://www.empiregiftsandantiques.com/index.cfm/detail/526.htm">me</a>
<a href="http://www.empiregiftsandantiques.com/index.cfm/detail/682.htm">two.</a>
It's all so dear. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
called to thank her. She sounded OK. She
said she'd had a bad morning but was better.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">In
<a href="http://discover.npr.org/features/feature.jhtml?wfId=1451093">Joan
Didion's last book</a> she writes about
the family possessions that were in the
westward traveling wagons, over the big
mountains and into the Sacramento valley.
There they become anchors of belonging,
as if they were saying, "Look at what
we went through to get here. We mean you
now belong." Some of those same possessions
are now in Didion's apartment in New York.
And , as it always is with her writing,
there is an idea of something that may have
been lost and maybe even should be lost.
Or maybe not lost but changed in some fundamental
way. There's probably more than one conclusion
to draw. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">More
than one conclusion to draw from a wooden
box full of mix matched silver and a family
name I don't completely own. And a sweetness
so close to bitter that I have to swallow
before I notice. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(929)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_929"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e629" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e629"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e629"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
28</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
7<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:22
PM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There they become anchors of belonging.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
think it shoulda been: There they became anchors of belonging.
It was early. I was still sleepy. I hate when I reread
posts and see things and wish I'd written something
differently. Worse is when I see a missing word. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">The
other day when I was writing I typed they're for their.
I absolutely know the difference. I knew it a few minutes
later when I was rereading and smacked myself in the
head. It's. Its. I know the difference. A. An. I know.
Just the other day I did that one wrong. I'm typing
along and I just fuck up. My head is always going faster
than my fingers. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;"><a href="http://elayneriggs.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_elayneriggs_archive.html#108315491441833474">Elayne</a>
and <a href="http://palimpsest.typepad.com/frogsandravens/2004/04/92_stickler.html">Rana</a>
both blogged this <a href="http://eatsshootsandleaves.com/ESLquiz.html">very
cool test</a> by this <a href="http://www.eatsshootsandleaves.com/lynne.html">very
cool women</a>. She's been interviewed a lot lately
on various radio shows <a href="http://www.eatsshootsandleaves.com/book.html">about
her book</a>. I was a 50% stickler but I can tell you
I took the test more than once. I'm not so good a apostrophes
that come after words. Commas? Don't even talk to me
about commas. I get very pissy when people talk to me
about commas.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
own all the style books. I admire people who get this
stuff. I depend on Cheryl and Renee and the people in
my life who get it. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
it's not the things I don't know about that bug me.
It's not the occasional misplaced apostrophe, or comma.
It's not even the forgotten word. It's when I see a
word that just isn't the right one. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There they became anchors of belonging.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
need a live-in editor. And a live-in therapist. And
a live-in masseuse.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I'm
just sayin.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
are things that need to get done around here. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(930)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_930"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e630" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e630"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e630"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:36
AM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">A
few days ago (or so) <a href="http://sainteros.com/weblog/archives/000582.html">Kurt
posted</a> about writing about politics.
I left a quip of a comment. I'm not sure
why. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful.
I think Kurt has much to say.</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
am guilty of reflexive identity politics.
Rigid orthodoxy? Not so much. Oh I dunno.
Maybe sometimes. Which is not to say that
he meant me in his characterization of the
left. I do self-identify as left. Actually,
left of left. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">But
the reasons I'm thinking about it days later
is because I have a similar dilemma. I spend
a lot of my day trying to be informed. I
start with <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/">KPFA</a>
and <a href="http://www.kpfa.org/1pro_bio/1b_democ.htm">Democracy
Now</a> and on line news sources, too numerous
to link. I keep up on <a href="http://www.ci.sf.ca.us/site/sfgtv_index.asp?id=13353">local
stuff</a>. And there just isn't a day when
I'm not overwhelmed with <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3619661.stm">anger</a>
and <a href="http://www.empirenotes.org/fallujah.html">frustration</a>.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">At
the end of <a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/body2.htm">yoga</a>
<a href="http://www.sallypugh.org/index.htm">Sally</a>
leads us in a bit of meditation. She's good.
Not too precious. Just calming and sincere.
It helps that I can't hear her very well.
I'm too cynical. Words like energy can hit
me the wrong way. Yesterday she started
talking about our hearts and energy and
visualizing and somehow she got to sending
energy out to the whole world and ...</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Class
was good for me yesterday. I held poses.
I ignored my inner chatter. blood was moving
in my muscles and my skin by the end. When
I heard the word 'world' <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/27/international/middleeast/27CND-FALL.html?8bl">I
remembered.</a> And it was almost unbearable.
Knowing. Knowing and not knowing what to
say, or do to make it stop. Feeling the
anger and the frustration. Always there. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
walked out of class feeling the strength I've been slowly
developing. My knees hurt less right after class. I
stand more erect. I took a different bus route home.
Went to Real Foods for sesame tuna salad and <a href="http://www.orangina.com/">Orangina</a>
and <a href="http://www.newmansownorganics.com/food_newman-os.html">Newman
O's.</a> Got on the second bus. Looked out over the
bay as we drove up and over the Union Street hill. Came
home and read blogs while I ate. </span></span></font></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="527">
<tr>
<td width="521"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:9pt;">There are two different kinds of strain. There's the physical strain of carrying
40 pails of water up and down the stairs to fill the empty water tank on the
roof- after the 4th or 5th pail of water, you can literally see your muscles
quivering under your skin and without the bucket of water, your arms somehow
feel weightless- almost nonexistent. Then there's mental strain� that is when
those forty buckets of water are being emptied in your head and there's a huge
flow of thoughts and emotions that threaten to overwhelm you. (<a href="http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_riverbendblog_archive.html#108300823185284163">more</a>)</span></font></td>
</tr>
</table>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Last
night on <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/04/27/60II/main614063.shtml">Sixty
Minutes II</a> there was a report on the mistreatment
of Iraqi prisoners. Despite the horror of the revelations
the show was padded with rational. There's been so much
not reported. One of soldiers talked about getting no
training. I guess you need training in how to treat
people with dignity. Earlier, on the bus, I'd read a
short story by Camus in which a man gives a prisoner
an opportunity to be free. All this in my head while
I sit in my apartment, drinking French orange soda,
cooled by an oscillating fan. </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">How
do I write? What can I say? How can I not talk about
it? </span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
doubt I have the stamina to track and document the information
needed to unseat the boy prince. My opinions are visceral
and I find no language. Only a need to write something
that fumbles through the details and holds the tension.
</span></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(931)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_931"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript>
</span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e631" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e631"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e631"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
29</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span></p>
<table align="center" border="0" width="291">
<tr>
<td width="285">
<p><a href="http://www.youthink.com/quiz.asp?action=take&quiz_id=226"><img src="dylan quiz.jpg" width="300" height="200" border="0"></a></p>
</td>
</tr>
</table>
<p><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Via
<a href="http://easybakecoven.net/">Susan.</a></span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(932)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_932"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"><span class="rss:item"><a id="e632" href="http://www.fatshadow.com/April2004.htm#e632"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">April</font></a><a id="e632"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">
30</font></a><a id="e600"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"> </font></a><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">2004
9<font face="Lucida Sans" size="1">:41
PM</font></font></span></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">There
is.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Just.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">So
much.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">I
do not.</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:11pt;">Understand.
</span></font></p>
<p align="justify"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="1"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"><SCRIPT type="text/javascript">get_comment_link(933)</script> <noscript></span></font><a href="http://rateyourmusic.com/yaccs/commentsn/b=90000008560_and_e_is_933"><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;">comment</span></font></a><font face="Lucida Sans"><span style="font-size:10pt;"></noscript> </span></font></font></p>
<hr align="justify">
<p align="justify"> </p>
</td>
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