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<div class=WordSection1>
<p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;
text-align:center;line-height:normal'><b style='mso-bidi-font-weight:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;
text-align:center;line-height:normal'><b style='mso-bidi-font-weight:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;
text-align:center;line-height:normal'><b style='mso-bidi-font-weight:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>Chapter 10: The Sixth Polarity - Intimacy <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>v</i>. Dependence<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class=MsoNormal align=center style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;
text-align:center;line-height:normal'><b style='mso-bidi-font-weight:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>Mature Dependence<i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>
v</i>. Infantile Dependence<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Sixth Polarity is the third of the
subset of strategies for attenuating or avoiding the problems posed by full
intimacy.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>As in all of the Polarities of
Intimacy, the escape from intimacy in this Sixth Polarity is based on the
denial of the fundamental equality of the partners in the relationship.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In this Sixth Polarity, however, it is �Dependence�
that is in the place of �Power Over� or �Abuse� as the putative element of
inequality.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>To the extent that
dependence is being substituted for intimacy, one of us in the relationship becomes
viewed as taking care of the other, and the other of us becomes viewed as being
taken care of.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>The insistence is that
one of us lacks the ability to care for him- or herself and needs to be taken
care of by some �superior� human being, while the other has the ability to take
care of the �inferior� of us, the one in need of being taken care of.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>One of us is viewed as dependent on the
other.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>To be dependent is commonly viewed as
being bad; to be able to take care of others is commonly viewed as being good
and even noble.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>To be independent is viewed
as what we are supposed to aspire to.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The reality is considerably more complex
than that.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It is not without reason that many of us
feel uncomfortable with the notion that �depending� on people is invariably a
negative thing, or that total �independence� is generally the goal for human
life.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>We all feel at least some
fundamental sympathy with the opening line of the Rolling Stones� song �Let it
Bleed,� written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards: �Well, we all need someone
we can <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>lean</i> on.� (1969)<a
style='mso-footnote-id:ftn1' href="#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" title=""><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:
Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;
mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[1]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a>
<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span><span class=GramE>We</span> all want and
need the emotional support and caring of our loved ones:<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>we <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>want</i>
to have intimate relationships with others upon whom we can depend�and we have
legitimate needs to want to be able to do so.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>The American frontier ideal of an isolated individualism, surviving on
our own without the help of others�Daniel Boone wrestling bears alone on the
prairie�is not <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>my</i> ideal of adulthood
or my personal goal for maturity.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>Although there clearly are elements that can be problematic about
dependence, there is something fundamentally wrong with taking dependence in
general as a pejorative.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The clearest explication of this
problem�and solution for this apparent inconsistency�comes from the Scottish
psychoanalyst, W. R. D. Fairbairn. <span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>As
with so many psychoanalytic concepts, Fairbairn turned the notion of dependence
on its head.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Rather than viewing
dependence as pathology and therefore negative, he viewed it as part of the
essential interpersonal relatedness that he believed defined all of healthy
human existence. (1941/1952)<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>To him, it
was not being �dependent� that was <span class=GramE>pathological,</span> it
was persisting in being �infantile� in our depending that was the problem.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>He saw all of human development as a
progression from an initial extremely infantile, undifferentiated dependence to
a mature dependence, involving a fully-differentiated, mutual interdependence:
�development�is essentially <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>a process
whereby infantile dependence�gradually gives way to mature dependence</i>�� [<span
class=GramE>emphasis</span> in the original]. (<i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>ibid</i>., <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>p</i>. 34)<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Since Fairbairn saw humans as relational
beings from birth onward, and he believed that loving and being loved were the
essential defining goals of human existence, it followed naturally that he
thought of dependence as fundamentally involving the importance that people in
relationships have to each other, and the way that they mutually relied on each
other for love and support in pursuing the expression of their selfhood.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Thus dependence to him was not a bad thing,
but rather a <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>good</i> thing.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>When pathology entered into this arena, it
was seen by him as having to do with the <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>character</i>
of the dependence involved, not the fact that dependence existed.<a
style='mso-footnote-id:ftn2' href="#_ftn2" name="_ftnref2" title=""><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:
Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;
mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[2]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Everything that I have been saying so
far about all of the Polarities of Intimacy�and about the Third Polarity,
�Assertion v. Aggression,� as well�implies that we need to express ourselves in
relationships, and that to do so requires that we have people in our
relationships on <span class=GramE>whom</span> we can depend.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It is the <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>quality</i>
of our depending that becomes one of the defining issues in the pursuit of
intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I am suggesting that our personal goal
in this arena should be to have our relationships characterized by what Fairbairn
termed �mature dependence�: <span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>that we <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>should</i> depend on others, but that we
should strive to be mature in the form of our dependence.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It is obvious that we need people in our
lives on whom we can depend.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>I <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>want</i> to have people in my life with whom
I can be mutually interdependent.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>I
depend on my wife for a great many things�and, most important among them, to be
there to love and intimately support me, always to be trying to know me and to
be known by me.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>She likewise depends on
me for a great many things�my love and intimate presence being foremost among
them for her, as well.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Dependence in a mature, mutually
interdependent sense is actually <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>synonymous</i>
with intimacy in loving relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Even in non-loving, more utilitarian
relationships, mutual interdependence is also the healthiest form of
interaction:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>in these relationships it
implies that the parties are each realistically relying on each other for what
is appropriate to that which is being transacted, rather than one party
exploiting the other or being exploited by the other, or in some other way taking
advantage of <span class=SpellE>eah</span> other. <span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>We depend on many people for many things, but
that does not mean we are helpless without them or need to be at their mercy in
order to get our needs met.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>People
depend on us for many things, but that does not mean they are in any way
inferior to us or need to feel subservient to us.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Business dealings are capable of being construed
as transactions between adults who are equal as human beings, even when one is employed
by the other or is in some way in an organizationally subordinate structural role
to the other.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Presidents <span
class=GramE>of a companies</span> are dependent on the people working for them�without
the workers, nothing would actually be done; and workers are dependent on the people
running the companies who hire them�without them, there would be no jobs.<a
style='mso-footnote-id:ftn3' href="#_ftn3" name="_ftnref3" title=""><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span
class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:
Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;
mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[3]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a>
<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>As adults, we should be able to feel our
personal power strongly and securely enough to know we can survive on our own�the
we are not so absolutely dependent on others as to require that we have to
subordinate our selfhood to them in order to have our needs met.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>On the other hand, as adults we should be
able to recognize and accept the reality that our lives are richer and more
fulfilling when we have loving relationships with others with whom we can
mutually rely and depend.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Maturity leads
us to experience and accept that we</span><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:
text1'> have need of other people in our lives; as adults, we correctly attempt
to meet many of our needs through our relationships�and especially in our
loving relationships.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'>We <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>all</i> have the need to depend on others in our lives.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>As another songwriter friend, Erik Della
Penna puts it in his recent song, �</span><span style='mso-fareast-font-family:
"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-font-style:italic'>End of the Day</span><span
style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'>,� (2014)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in;
margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:normal'><span
style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'>Millions have lived without ecstasy or
knowing how it�s <span class=SpellE>gonna</span> end,<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in;
margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:normal'><span class=GramE><span
style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'>but</span></span><span
style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'> no one has lived so completely alone
to have not had need for a friend.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='color:black;mso-themecolor:text1'>There is nothing in all
this that should make us feel <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>needy</i>
or, worse, <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>helpless</i> in the process of
depending on others.</span><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:black;
mso-themecolor:text1'><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>What gives dependence its bad reputation
is the version of it that is infantile.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>In infantile dependence, the reliance on the other is experienced as
one-sided, needy, helpless, total, and a matter of life or death.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In such a state, we feel helplessly dependent
on others to meet our needs.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Its
extremeness is based, of course, on our actual experience in infancy, when we <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>were</i> completely and absolutely dependent
on the one caring for us: at three months of age, we <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>do</i> have to depend on someone to be aware of and meet our needs�if
the person mothering us fails to notice we are hungry and provide food, we
starve; if that mothering person does not provide adequate clothing and
shelter, we die of exposure to the elements; and recent research has suggested
that if that person does not provide adequate love and emotional attention, we
not only may fail to thrive, we may actually die from psychological deprivation.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>While it is clear that infants�and even
neonates�are not simple passive recipients in their relationships, they <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>are</i> dependent for their physical and
psychological needs in a rather unidirectional way that really is a matter of
life and death.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>And even as three or
five year olds, we still do not have much in the way of choice in our emotional
partners:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>if our parent is not
emotionally to our liking, we do not have the option of going out and finding a
replacement.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Nor do we have the option
of providing for our own physical needs: it is not like at three I can choose
to go out on my own, earning my living by driving a bus.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Our dependence as infants and even as young
children is absolute.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoFootnoteText>All this lends a quality of desperately intense
neediness and helplessness to infantile dependence�which, while it may have
been realistic in our infancy, is not what our more mature relating should be
based on. <span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>Unfortunately, long after
there is any need or justification for our doing so, we tend to carry elements
of the infantile version of dependence into our adult relationships in
pathological ways.</p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Imposing this infantile sense of
absolute dependence on our patterns of adult relationships is a distortion�and
it is one of the main distortions we use to mitigate our fears about the
intimacy of our loving relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Thus it is that the defining dimension
of the Sixth Polarity�s continuum is �Mature Dependence v. Infantile Dependence.�<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Although its main title is �Intimacy v.
Dependence,� the determining characteristic of its spectrum is specifically the
<i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>quality</i> of the dependence, not the
presence of it.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It is the degree to
which our dependence on others is <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>infantile</i>
that renders it a strategy for attenuating or avoiding the problems posed by
real intimacy.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>As has already been
suggested above, dependence is one of the elements of relationship of which
intimacy appropriately is comprised; it is the <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>distortion</i> of its being infantile that can be used to vitiate or
attenuate intimacy of an adult relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The Sixth Polarity represents therefore
a spectrum of choices that ranges from �Mature Dependence,� which is the
reality-based end of adult intimate relating, to �Infantile Dependence,� which
is the distortion of adult relating designed to lessen and restrict the
intimacy possible in a relationship�for all the many reasons our fears and
insecurities have been seen to leads us to do so.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The practical expression of this spectrum
is the belief that one of us needs to be in the position to take care of the
other of us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>And, of course, the
bifurcation of the reality-distant, �Infantile Dependence� end of the Sixth
Polarity is into two roles:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>the one who
takes care of other people and the one who gets taken care of by other
people.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It is <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>essential</i> to note at this point that we are not referring to
�caring,� but rather only to �taking care of� people:<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>loving intimacy always involves caring for
each other; �taking care of,� however, involves the assumption of human
inequality of the sort essential to the distortions of all of the Polarities of
Intimacy.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In intimate, adult relationships,
we are continually expressing our love and caring for each other; but we are
doing so as equals, fully respecting each other�s adulthood in the
process.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In infantile dependent
relationships, one of us invariably will be seen as being in the superior power
position of taking care of the other, whereas the other of us will be seen in
the inferior position of needing to be taken care of.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>In none of the bifurcations at the
non-intimate ends of the other Polarities of Intimacy are the roles more
completely and readily able to invert and to reverse as they are in this Sixth
Polarity�even though, as in all of them, one party is always more clearly
identified with one of the two roles.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>The primary reason for the reversibility is the same as in the case of
all of bifurcated ends of the Polarities of Intimacy:<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>the underlying game that defines both roles
is identical.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>In the case of the Sixth Polarity the belief
is simply that <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>people cannot take care of
themselves</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Whether we are someone who believes we
must take care of our partner (and perhaps take care of everyone in our world),
or whether we are someone who believes we (and others) must be taken care of,
we both are firmly asserting the belief that people cannot take care of
themselves.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>If we were to believe in the
ability of adults to be fundamentally sufficient to be responsible for meeting their
own needs, there would be no justification for our stepping into a superior
position and assuming the responsibility of taking care of them.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Similarly, if we were to believe in the
ability of adults fundamentally being sufficient to be responsible for their
own needs, we could find no reason to subjugate ourselves to another to whom we
turn over the responsibility of meeting our needs.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The contrived assumption of human
inequality in the creation of these differentiated roles is an artifact of our
lack of faith in our own personal power.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>It is the result of our fears and insecurities about <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>our</i> own inadequacy to take care of <span
class=SpellE>ourself</span>�even if we resort to focusing our attention on the
inadequacy of our partner to do so.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Were
we secure and self-<span class=SpellE>ist</span> enough to feel responsible for
<span class=SpellE>ourself</span> and the satisfaction of our own needs and
desires, we would have no need for this distortion.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>And, as in the case of all of the Polarities
of Intimacy, it is our lack of feeling secure and adequate that leads us to
fear intimacy and to attempt to limit it and hide from it.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>The substitution of dependence for intimacy�and
we must always remember in this Sixth Polarity, that that is just a shorthand
for the substitution of infantile dependence for mature dependence, and only
thereby for intimacy�is invariably due to our lack of being able to feel �OK�
enough about <span class=SpellE>ourself</span> to own the responsibility for <span
class=SpellE>ourself</span>; and taking and owning responsibility for <span
class=SpellE>ourself</span> is a <span class=SpellE><i style='mso-bidi-font-style:
normal'>conditio</i></span><i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'> sine qua non</i>
for our being able to participate fully in an intimate relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>We must always remember that nothing in
this implies that there is anything intimacy-avoidant in maturely depending on
others or having others maturely <span class=GramE>depend</span> on us.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It is wonderful to have people in our lives
to depend on to love us and to be there for us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>It is wonderful to have loved ones upon whom we can depend to do thing
for us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>The issue of infantile
dependence arises only when we believe that someone�s being there for us and
the doing things for us is a necessity we cannot do without�when it is based on
the belief that it is required because of our inferiority and inadequacy as a
human being.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�� </span>And similarly, there is nothing
intimacy-avoidant about being someone upon whom people can reasonably depend to
be there for them in an adult way.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>Again, it is simply wonderful to be able reliably to be there in a caring,
loving way for our loved ones. <span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>The issue
of infantile dependence arises only when we believe we have to be there for others
because they are necessarily incapable of doing things for themselves�that we
must take responsibility for them and their needs based on the self-aggrandizing
belief that we are a superior human being who can and should take over for
others in <span class=SpellE>our</span> world.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It is not <span class=SpellE>infantilely</span>
dependent to ask for help with a task.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>It is not <span class=SpellE>infantilely</span> dependent to delegate a
task, or to hire someone to do a task for us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>If my wife wants her website changed, it is not a sign of her
inferiority or of my superiority that she <span class=GramE>ask</span> me to do
it:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>she simply has not developed the
website design skills to do it herself.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>On the other hand, if I were not available, it would not leave her
helpless in the face of this need: <span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�</span>she
could ask another friend, pay a professional to do it for her, or, if needed,
learn the skills required to do it herself.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>She is fully capable of being responsible for meeting this need.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>There is nothing infantile dependent about
delegating, outsourcing, or sharing a task; even when we arrange to have
someone else meet our need, it is still our responsibility, and we continue to
own the responsibility for meeting that need and acting responsibly to fulfill
it�even if we have arranged for someone else actually to execute the task for
us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It only becomes infantile when
having someone else meet our need is based on the self-denigrating entitlement
of its being done because our inferiority requires that our other be
responsible for meeting that need, or when our meeting someone else�s need is
based on the grandiosity of our believing that we are a superior human being who
therefore has the responsibility for meeting the need of our inferior other.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Responsibility is a huge issue in all
this.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Perhaps the more profound version
of the central, mutually embraced belief in the dependency game is not only
that people cannot take care of themselves, but more importantly that<i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'> people cannot take responsibility for themselves</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>We can delegate a task to another
person, but we cannot delegate our responsibility for that task.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>This is true even in simple, impersonal work
situations:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>when a manager has a project
he or she needs to get done, the manager can ask a subordinate to take it on
and do it; but it will still be the manager�s responsibility if the subordinate
fails to accomplish the task.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>We can ask
a friend�s advice about what we should do in a particular situation; but it is
our choice as to whether we decide to follow our friend�s advice or not, and it
is our responsibility how the action we chose works out�if we follow a friend�s
advice and do not get the result we desired, it is not the responsibility of
the friend who advised us.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�� </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>While it may appear that the one of us
who takes care of the other is the one taking the responsibility, this is
mostly illusory:<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>responsibility cannot
not actually be delegated, most especially in terms of the responsibilities of
being a partner in a loving relationship�so the �responsibility� we are
attempting to take on for our partner neither removes it from our partner, nor does
it necessarily fulfill our own need to be responsible for <span class=SpellE>ourself</span>.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Similarly, therefore, the one of us being taken
care of has not in actuality relieved <span class=SpellE>ourself</span> of our
responsibility for <span class=SpellE>ourself</span>�however much that may have
been our intent, and however much our partner may have colluded in looking at
it that way.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Taking responsibility for ourselves and
our needs is one of the central defining elements of adult functioning.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>This fact is fully consonant with the concept
of reality-based self-<span class=SpellE>ist</span> assertion I discussed in Chapter
5.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>And, as discussed there, taking
responsibility for ourselves also requires our inclusion within it our concern
for�and therefore caring about�others, in the so beautifully balanced way in
formulation proposed by Hillel in <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>Pire Avot</i>
(<span class=SpellE><i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>loc.cit</i></span><i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>.</i>):<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in;
margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>If I am not for myself, who will be for me?<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in;
margin-left:.5in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:normal'><span
style='font-size:12.0pt'>If I am for myself alone, what am I?<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Adulthood, as Fairbairn proposed,
actually <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>is</i> a matter of achieving
mature dependence.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It is a peculiar but extremely common
distortion of �taking responsibility� that is involved in infantile dependent relationships.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>When we lack the benefits of a secure, adult
level of responsibility, we tend to attempt to take responsibility for what is
not our realistically our own responsibility.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>�
</span>While appearing almost hyper-responsible, this maneuver transgresses the
appropriate boundaries of realistic personal responsibility.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In so crossing the appropriate boundaries of
individual responsibility, our adopting the position of taking care of others�and,
in particular, the position of taking responsibility for others�actually is an <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>avoidance</i> of responsibility for <span
class=SpellE><span class=GramE>ourself</span></span>.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>We end up taking care of everyone else, but <i
style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>not</i> <span class=SpellE>ourself</span>!<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>It should not be surprising how often those who
devote themselves to taking care of <span class=GramE>others,</span> actually
avoid taking care of the responsibilities that more specifically and appropriately
are their own.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Similarly, when we are someone who tends
to the adopt the position of needing to be taken care of, it is also clear that
<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'>Inverse of the serenity
prayer<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'>Magical thinking:
controlling the universe, instead of what really can be done<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'>Gambling (not enjoying
playing cards; thinking one can beat the odds through luck)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;color:#00B050'>The second reason that
these particular bifurcated roles are so reversible is that it is not
manifestly and unambiguously clear which, in fact, is the superior and which
the inferior position<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height:
normal'><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
</div>
<div style='mso-element:footnote-list'><![if !supportFootnotes]><br clear=all>
<hr align=left size=1 width="33%">
<![endif]>
<div style='mso-element:footnote' id=ftn1>
<p class=MsoFootnoteText><a style='mso-footnote-id:ftn1' href="#_ftnref1"
name="_ftn1" title=""><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:
footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span
style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:
minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[1]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a>
This title song of the 1969 album <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>Let It
Bleed</i> by the Rolling Stones goes on to enumerate certain other sexual needs
(�We all need someone we can cream on/cum all over�) and drug-related need (�<span
lang=EN style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif";mso-bidi-font-family:
Helvetica;color:#333333;mso-ansi-language:EN'>When you need a little coke and
sympathy��</span>�<span lang=EN style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif";
mso-bidi-font-family:Helvetica;color:#333333;mso-ansi-language:EN'>With that
jaded, faded, junky nurse�</span>)�some of them so aggressively tinged (�<span
lang=EN style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Verdana","sans-serif";mso-bidi-font-family:
Helvetica;color:#333333;mso-ansi-language:EN'>We all need someone we can feed
on���Take my arm, take my leg, oh baby don't you take my head���We all need
someone we can bleed on</span>�) that, <i style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>even</i>
in the 60s, they may not have seemed so universally desirable to us.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Nevertheless, allowing for the dark
peculiarities of the tropes employed by the Stones, the essential point clearly
is about the more ubiquitous human need for emotional support and the lengths
to which we are willing go to obtain that for ourselves and to provide that for
others.</p>
</div>
<div style='mso-element:footnote' id=ftn2>
<p class=MsoFootnoteText><a style='mso-footnote-id:ftn2' href="#_ftnref2"
name="_ftn2" title=""><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:
footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span
style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:
minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[2]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a> I
shall have much more to say about Fairbairn and his theories in <span
class=SpellE>Chapt.P</span>***.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>Suffice
it to say at this point that the progression from infantile to mature
dependence is based on a progressive development of self-other
differentiation.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>While, according to him
(and I wholeheartedly concur with this and many of the tenets of his theories),
we do have relationships�and loving ones, for that matter�from the very moment
of our birth on, we, on the other hand, do not at birth have an awareness of
our separateness as an individual from the ones we are relating to.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>The characteristics of infantile dependence
therefore are that it is absolute, extremely focused (essentially on one
person, the one doing the mothering), and that it feels to us as a matter of
life and death (which, in some realistic way, it actually is in our infancy).<span
style='color:#C00000'><o:p></o:p></span></p>
</div>
<div style='mso-element:footnote' id=ftn3>
<p class=MsoFootnoteText><a style='mso-footnote-id:ftn3' href="#_ftnref3"
name="_ftn3" title=""><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span style='mso-special-character:
footnote'><![if !supportFootnotes]><span class=MsoFootnoteReference><span
style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:115%;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:
minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:
EN-US;mso-bidi-language:AR-SA'>[3]</span></span><![endif]></span></span></a> Ideally,
business relationships�as well as all non-intimate relationships�can be
constructed in ways that respect the fundamental human equality of all involved.<span
style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>In reality, however, we know that this is often
not the case.<span style='mso-spacerun:yes'>� </span>These issues will be taken
up in detail in <span class=SpellE>Chapt.N</span>***</p>
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