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<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//IETF//DTD HTML//EN"> <html> <head> <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> <meta name="GENERATOR" content="Microsoft FrontPage 2.0"> <title>Free Copy</title> </head> <body> <p align="center"><font size="5"><strong>Your </strong></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><em><strong>Free Copy</strong></em></font><font size="6"><em><strong> </strong></em></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><strong>of </strong></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><strong>John Alejandro King's classic </strong></font><font size="6"><em><strong>Letter to the Post</strong></em></font></p> <p align="left"> </p> <p align="left"><font size="3"><strong>Note: This letter was recently sent to the </strong><em><strong>Washington Post</strong></em><strong> by The Covert Comic, a.k.a. John Alejandro King. Apparently the </strong><em><strong>Post </strong></em><strong>decided not to print the letter or even acknowledge its existence. Why, we may never know. But now </strong></font><font size="4"><em><strong>you</strong></em></font><font size="3"><strong> have a copy of this historic document!</strong></font></p> <hr> <p><font size="3">Dear <i>Washington Post:</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Many weeks ago I submitted some written works of mine to CIA’s Publication Review Branch seeking official approval to publish these documents. I did this because it’s required of CIA employees and, well, the fact is that I’m a CIA employee (and one who believes in obeying regulations, I might add). Although the books I submitted are unclassified in their entirety, I have yet to receive approval to publish them. In fact, I’ve heard through the Intelligence Community grapevine that certain officials at the Agency consider my works to be "unpublishable". Given this situation (plus the fact that the normal time required for publication review and approval is supposedly two or three weeks, versus the much longer time I’ve been waiting) I think we can conclude that the Government, and in particular the Central Intelligence Agency, does not wish for my books to see the light of day. </font></p> <p><font size="3">What, you may ask, is in these books of mine that would cause the Government to apparently want, in effect, to censor them? And is the Government justified in seemingly wanting to censor my writings? Well, how better to answer these questions than by describing, in a very general (and of course totally unclassified) way, <i>the books themselves</i><em>?</em></font></p> <p><font size="3">Accordingly, so that the American people (for whom our Government agencies exist, after all) can make an informed decision regarding where they stand on the issue, I’ve included in this letter a <i>general, unclassified description</i> of the books which I’ve submitted to the CIA’s Publication Review Branch and which the Government apparently doesn’t want published. I’ve also included in this letter some additional compositions of mine in order to help you and the readers of your fine newspaper get an accurate sense of the flavor of my writing.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Anyway, the following are descriptions and selections of my writing, which descriptions and selections I hope and trust will convince the many readers of your fine periodical that the Government has no business whatsoever trying to censor my books. </font></p> <p><font size="3">1. <i>My Resume or Everything I Know about The CIA and Elvis</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">The book <i>My Resume or Everything I Know about The CIA and Elvis</i> is a combination job resume, treatise of business principles, and memoir. It’s a job resume in that it describes my qualifications, education, and experience in the professional world, both as a covert intelligence officer and as a former bass player for many world famous disco music acts (I’m not lying; I have the gold records to prove it. Many of my fellow CIA officers, no doubt as a result of seeing my various music awards and other memorabilia in my office at CIA, have expressed amazement that I possess a top secret security clearance.)</font></p> <p><font size="3">As for business principles, <i>My Resume</i> (the short name of this document of mine) contains literally dozens of truths about how to be productive and achieve recognition as a truly excellent business person. These principles I offer are based largely on my own experience as a very successful project manager at CIA (other principles in the book I learned from my father, a successful businessman and academic who, by the way, happens to have Spanish blood). Without going into details I’ll just say that as a result of my projects at CIA I’ve been promoted quickly and often. There’s absolutely no reason why someone who reads my business principles and puts them into practice in their own life can’t enjoy the same prosperity I enjoy, even if they don’t happen to possess a top secret security clearance at the moment.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Regarding the memoir aspect of <i>My Resume</i>, suffice to say that this document is filled with fascinating and true stories of the many amazing things I’ve seen and done during my many years as a covert intelligence officer, disco bass player, etc., and that these stories will fill you with wonder and inspiration, assuming the Government doesn’t stop you from reading them. </font></p> <p><font size="3">Incidentally, some people who’ve read <i>My Resume</i> and are sympathetic to it claim to see in this book a <i>deeper meaning</i> underlying the discussion of business principles and job qualifications. How do I respond to such claims? By confessing that they’re absolutely correct! But just what <i>is</i> this deeper meaning in <i>My Resume</i>? Without revealing the whole concept (I think it’s better to let readers make these sorts of discoveries for themselves) let me just say that <i>it has to do with being</i>.</font></p> <p><font size="3">One last point about <i>My Resume</i>: Although I love my job at CIA, am very good at it, and have every hope of continuing to serve that excellent organization in its important mission to protect America, I must confess that I anticipate the possibility (slight, but a possibility nonetheless) of career difficulties as a result of having submitted my books to CIA’s Publication Review Branch (and also for having sent this letter to your superb newspaper). For this reason I hope readers of <i>My Resume</i>, in addition to gaining lots of pleasure and enlightenment from it, will consider actually employing me, your humble correspondent John Alejandro King, should I in the future find myself without a livelihood.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Likewise, in the event I lose my job at CIA as a result of my decision to write God’s love and truth, I hope to meet a reader (or readers) who will furnish, at a reasonable monthly rate, temporary housing for myself, my wife, our baby daughter, and possibly my mother-in-law (a wonderful person and an excellent gardener). I say this in case I’m forced by financial considerations to sell our townhouse (which is located in a peaceful suburban Virginia neighborhood bordering a small forest). Incidentally, if you happen to be house hunting you might want to check with John Alejandro King from time to time to see how I’m doing at work. You never know, you might get a real bargain.</font></p> <p><font size="3">As for how to contact me, my mailing address appears elsewhere in this letter. </font></p> <p><font size="3">By the way, I’m fully aware that this letter of mine is starting to get a little longer than letters to the editor which you typically receive from your readership. However, I’m confident that as professional journalists with a strong sense of your duty to get the truth to the public (especially where the truth concerns possible attempts by the US Government to censor American citizens), your fine newspaper will not only give my letter a fair reading, but will make every effort to print it for the general public to read. Who knows, perhaps your fabulous publication will make the highly enlightened (and no doubt commercially very lucrative) decision to devote an entire Special Issue to this letter of mine, something akin to what was done by many newspapers following the Moon Landing. For without bragging about it I think you’ll increasingly agree with me, as you go on reading my letter, that in many ways my writing is something of a moon landing in its own right. Of course I’m kidding a little when I say this, although when you think about it there’s definitely some truth to the claim, if it’s not too arrogant of me to say so.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Not to digress too far from our main topic, but the other afternoon someone at CIA (a psychiatrist, if I remember correctly) asked me how I would characterize my writing. In particular this person wanted to get my perspective on what, exactly, my writing is <i>about</i>. I told this person "In my opinion, my writing is for the most part about different aspects of <i>existence</i>." I also told this person that early in my development as a writer I made the fateful decision to emphasize themes relating to existence rather than those relating to nonexistence. The reason? Well, when it comes to nonexistence, how much can one say, really? Indeed, given a choice between existence and nonexistence, I for one will take existence every time.</font></p> <p><font size="3">It all reminds me of an extremely important point that needs to be made regarding censorship, namely, that <i>not every FBI officer is spying for the Russians</i>. Earlier in my career as an intelligence officer I made the regrettable error of asserting that all FBI officers were spying for Russia. While the logic behind my claim was impeccable, I now realize that the claim itself just isn’t supported by the facts.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Here was the problem: While investigating the application of logico-quantitative approaches to intelligence and counterintelligence problems, I realized that the statement "All FBI officers are spying for the Russians" is <i>logically equivalent</i> to the statement "If a person <i>isn’t</i> spying for the Russians, then that person isn’t an FBI officer." Technically these two statements are exactly the same. So according to the basic principles of reason, if you prove one of these statements you’ve proven the other.</font></p> <p><font size="3">For some time after this I quietly undertook (at no expense to taxpayers, by the way) careful and exhaustive research in this area. And as it turned out (or seemed to turn out), <i>every</i> randomly selected person I observed who wasn’t spying for the Russians also was not an FBI officer. And I randomly studied <i>thousands</i> of people during this time. So by virtue of the fundamental rules of logic it followed necessarily that, since whoever wasn’t spying for the Russians wasn’t an FBI officer, therefore all FBI officers were spying for Russia.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Well, I’m sure you can see the shortcoming in my method. Yes, with great embarrassment I confess that I completely failed to take into account the problem of <i>measurement of data</i>. Sure, I studied thousands of randomly selected people, none of whom a<i>ppeared</i> to be FBI officers; but how certain am I that none of these people were <i>undercover</i> FBI officers? The answer, I have to admit, is that I’m not certain at all. Recognizing the error of my ways, I now understand, of course, that not all FBI officers are necessarily spying for the Russians. In fact, the number of FBI officers spying for Russia could easily be well less than fifty percent of the total staff of that fine agency. Sorry, people! My mistake!</font></p> <p><font size="3">One potential silver lining to this otherwise dark methodological cloud: Recognizing the shortcoming in my experimental procedure, I recently undertook some preliminary research using an improved method of evaluating test data and was able to tentatively conclude (more study is needed, of course) that every resident of the state of New York <i>may</i> be a Satan worshipper. </font></p> <p><font size="3">What does all this have to do with censorship? Well, if Government officials can’t share some of the unclassified elements of their work with the general public, an excellent chance may be lost for identifying and correcting mistakes in the Government <i>before</i> these mistakes grow into problems of truly gigantic proportions. I mean, can you imagine what might have happened if my research on the FBI had resulted in each and every employee of America’s premier law enforcement agency being investigated for espionage? First of all, <i>who would investigate them?</i> The FBI <i>itself?</i> Talk about a dilemma! Likewise, if it <i>does</i> turn out that every resident of the state of New York is a Satan worshipper (I’m not claiming that this is true, but <i>if</i> it’s true), then isn’t it all for the best that we Federal officials get the word out to people so that appropriate action can be taken sooner rather than later?</font></p> <p><font size="3">Well, anyway, here’s a description of another document which I submitted to the CIA’s Publication Review Branch recently, official approval of the publication of which has unjustly (in my estimation) not been given. </font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">2. <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Now, admittedly this book is a transcript of <i>an actual intelligence briefing</i>, although I think you'll agree on reading it (if the Government ever allows you to read it) that this document is hardly a threat to our National Security.</font></p> <p><font size="3"><i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing) </i>is utterly unclassified, consisting of dozens and dozens of hilarious, good-natured, and completely harmless gags (along with not a few rather deep truths) about topics like cosmology, near death experiences, human reproductive organs, and the crucial question of who really killed JFK.</font></p> <p><font size="3">The following is an example of the sort of material which can be found in <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i>. <b>Note</b>: The italicized statements in brackets refer to audience reaction to the jokes; they’re intended to make reading the document more like attending an actual Covert Comic intelligence briefing. Certain US Government officials, after reading <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i>, have commented that these brackets are something like a ‘literary laugh track’. This is just one of many innovations which I, John Alejandro King, have to offer to the literary world, and which are certain to bring great joy and enlightenment to many people if only the Government will refrain from trying to suppress publication of my writings.</font></p> <p><font size="3">So here are a few of The Covert Comic’s jokes (and by the way, if you get a chance to hear The Covert Comic tell them at an actual intelligence briefing, many of these jokes will seem <i>even funnier</i> than they do here).</font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC <i>(walking to the podium carrying some written notes, waving to the audience, and</i> <i>grinning good-naturedly):</i> Ladies, gentlemen, and other life-forms: <i>[Chuckles from the audience]</i> My name isn’t The Covert Comic, a.k.a. John Alejandro King, I don’t work as an intelligence officer for the CIA, and you’re not here at this intelligence briefing. <i>[More chuckles and scattered laughter from the audience]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC <em>(appearing to become serious in order to get to the business at hand): </em>In addition to the fact that their only real function is to kill millions of people, a major objection that I have against biological weapons is the amount of space they take up in a person’s basement. <i>[Audience pause followed by laughter]</i> That, and the smell, of course. <i>Phew</i><b><i>weee!!!</i></b> <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: Somebody once asked me what’s the worst thing a CIA officer can do. I said I imagined that committing espionage against the United States was probably the worst thing a CIA officer can do, although I’ve noticed that CIA officials also get pretty upset if you crawl around under the table during an intelligence briefing trying to set people’s shoes on fire. <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: Do you think if a CIA officer accidentally ordered a military coup in a Third World country, CIA management would laugh off the whole incident and give him his scheduled promotion anyway? I don’t think so either. Damn... <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: This society of ours is so materialistic. In my opinion, <i>people</i> are much more valuable than ‘things’. That’s why I have several trunks full of people in my basement. <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: I remember when I was stationed on the planet Furpee. <i>[Chuckles]</i> So I’m floating down the street there one evening when four natives with fire spears float up to me, and one of them says "Hey, Mundoman, give us your wallet." I said to him "Hey, Plasma," and I pulled out my laser and shot him in the lightgills. <i>[Chuckles]</i> So then a policeman shows up and says "Hey, Mundoman, why the hell did you shoot that guy?" I said "Hey, Plaz’, these guys were trying to mug me. Besides, I’m a diplomat." And he says "So what?" So then I gave the policeman some money, and he let me go. What? What’s that you ask? The point of this story? Well, I suppose one point of this story is that if you’re ever stationed on the planet Furpee and you go out floating at night, unless you want trouble you’d better remember to wear a BFS, you know, a body form simulator. <i>[Pause followed by laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">(<b>Author’s Note</b>: Just why a CIA officer would tell jokes about being stationed as a diplomat on another planet is frankly a mystery to yours truly. Could it be that the Government is secretly engaged in diplomatic relations with one or more extraterrestrial civilizations, and that as part of this project the CIA is undertaking intelligence operations under diplomatic cover on the planet(s) in question? Well, if such a scenario <i>were</i> true, then by definition I wouldn’t be allowed to admit it, would I? Suffice to say that I personally doubt such activity is happening, although you can never be sure about things like this.) </font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: It’s interesting how we acquire different nicknames in the course of our life. For instance, I remember when people used to call me ‘The Beeper’. They called me ‘The Beeper’ because they said that whenever I talked it sounded like something beeping. <i>[Chuckles]</i> They used to say "How’s it going, Beeper?" Or "Hey, here comes The Beeper." <i>[Chuckles]</i> After that, people started calling me ‘Man’. They only called me ‘Man’ for a short time, though, about four seconds. <i>[Chuckles]</i> During this brief period in my life people said things to me like "Hey Man, it’s cool, Man; just put the flamethrower down, Man." <i>[Laughter]</i> Today I have a different nickname. Today people call me ‘Sleepy’. They say things like "Wake up, Sleepy, it’s time for your medication." <i>[Laughter]</i> </font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: If I’m ever captured by foreign intelligence agents and they’re torturing me, and one of my torturers is eating a hot-dog, I hope I have the presence of mind to reach over and grab his hot-dog from him and start eating it, right while I’m being tortured. <i>[Laughter]</i> And then, when he tries to take the hot-dog back from me, I struggle with him for it. I mean, that would be pretty funny, don’t you think? <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC <i>(adopting a more serious, reflective tone):</i> You know, in my opinion the CIA’s greatest asset is people. After all, without people the CIA would be no different from, say, the FBI. <i>[Pause followed by laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: Hey, you’ve been a great audience, folks. In fact, you’ve been so gracious that I’ve decided not to call my buddies in Operations and tell them to make you disappear. <i>[Laughter]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">THE COVERT COMIC: Ladies, gentlemen, and other life-forms: <i>[Chuckles]</i> My name isn’t The Covert Comic, a.k.a. John Alejandro King, I don’t work as an intelligence officer for the CIA, and you’re not here at this intelligence briefing. <i>[The Covert Comic waves to the audience and grins good-naturedly. There is laughter and warm applause. The Covert Comic walks from the podium into the audience, touching and healing many people along the way]</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Naturally The Covert Comic’s full intelligence briefings are longer than this; what you’ve just read is a small sample of the kind of jokes The Covert Comic tells in a typical briefing. The purpose of the above sample is to help readers see A) just how riotously funny The Covert Comic is, and B) why there’s<i> absolutely no good reason</i> for the Government to attempt to stop publication of written transcripts of The Covert Comic’s periodic unclassified briefings at CIA.</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">The following information, which I share in order to let the public know that CIA officials are quite serious about counterintelligence, is not compartmented or classified in any way. (Incidentally, for those who don’t understand the terminology of covert intelligence, the word <i>compartmented</i> refers to an operation in which no person in any one part of the operation knows what people in any other part of the operation are doing. An example of a compartmented operation is, well, any part of the Government, really.)</font></p> <p><font size="3">After several years of research (at my own expense, not that of taxpayers) I’m now convinced that I’ve solved our nation’s counterintelligence problem. What we should do is make it so that every time a US Government employee tries to pass classified information to unauthorized people, that employee’s head explodes. As for how to accomplish this, I’ve got the answer to that question too. What we can do is implant a small explosive device in the brain of every federal employee possessing a security clearance. No doubt there will be concerns about the constitutionality of such a procedure, but then, it’s been well-established as a result of many court cases that a security clearance is a <i>privilege</i>, not a right.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Anyhow, the explosive can be connected to a tiny computer which also (like the explosive) can be implanted in the Government official’s brain. The computer, in turn, can be connected to a small video camera and audio recorder which, by relaying their signals to special software in the computer, can enable the computer to establish that the Government employee is in fact trying to illegally pass Government secrets. I guess the camera and audio recorder should <i>also</i> be implanted in the person’s head, since if these devices were on the outside of the employee’s body they could possibly be disabled by that person or by someone else.</font></p> <p><font size="3">I’ve looked into the technology that would be required for the implementation of this approach, and it turns out that the entire package (i.e., the explosive, the computer, and the various recording devices that would be implanted in the heads of Government officials) would only weigh about twelve pounds and take up a total area much less than the size of a regulation basketball. So all that’s needed to make the concept feasible (at least for Phase One human testing) is a small, efficient, relatively lightweight power supply to run the whole thing. I would like to take the opportunity of this public forum to propose that the Government consider sponsoring research in this area (I feel that nine hundred million dollars would be about the right level of funding for the first year of research, with more for the follow-on, of course).</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">I hope you won’t think less of me if, right in the middle of my letter (more or less), I take this opportunity to offer a little constructive criticism of your excellent newspaper. Please understand that I have absolutely nothing against your news reporting or (in many cases) your editorial stance, and of course I consider your sports section first rate (you consistently provide more and better coverage of sporting events, and also publish box scores from late games the morning after they’re played, a fact which puts you head and shoulders above your competitors). No, my constructive and <i>really quite loving</i> criticism of your paper has nothing whatsoever to do with what you put in it. Rather, I wish to gently chide you for what you <i>don’t</i> put in it. I refer here to a letter I wrote to you some time ago which you apparently have chosen not to publish. Why you exercised your completely legitimate right not to publish this correspondence from a loyal reader, I can’t say, although I certainly don’t condemn you for your decision (who knows, perhaps you never actually received my letter owing to an honest mistake by an employee in your mailroom or for some other reason, in which case your fine journal is of course totally blameless).</font></p> <p><font size="3">Anyhow, here in its entirety is the letter I wrote to you earlier, which letter addresses a very important issue relating to the CIA and its future as an intelligence agency in a vastly changed world.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Dear <i>Washington Post:</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Throughout the halls of power in our nation’s capital the question is increasingly being asked: Now that the universe no longer exists, do we really need the CIA anymore? Critics of the Agency point out that one could justify having an organization to collect, process, and analyze intelligence during the era immediately following World War II when there were still things like objects with mass. But, these critics continue, now that the universe has effectively ceased, can the CIA (at least in its present form) still be considered relevant? </font></p> <p><font size="3">I, for one, wish to address these questions by arguing that the CIA is still <i>quite</i> relevant, the death of the cosmos notwithstanding. For one thing, although the universe has ended, <i>how do we know it won’t begin again</i>? And if the universe <i>does</i> begin again, doesn’t it make sense to have an already existing, highly capable, relatively well-run intelligence agency on the scene collecting, processing, and analyzing information about this new universe (and the potentially hostile plans and intentions of any foreign governments in it) from <i>the very first moment</i> of that universe’s inception? On the other hand, if the universe <i>doesn’t</i> begin again (so that we in effect remain without a cosmos indefinitely), how can policymakers be sure from one moment to the next that this is <i>still the case</i> unless we have a professional, well-staffed, well-funded intelligence organization constantly monitoring and providing reliable reporting on the situation?</font></p> <p><font size="3">While it’s true that I am a CIA employee and therefore partial to the Agency, I believe that an objective, reasoned examination of this issue will convince even critics of the CIA that, although technically speaking there’s no such thing as space, time, or matter anymore, having an intelligence agency is still eminently preferable to not having one. </font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">John Alejandro King</font></p> <p><font size="3">Covert Intelligence Officer and Comic</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">You know how I’ve said throughout this letter that there’s no classified information of any kind in it? Well, the following selection represents a rather thorny problem in this respect, since it appears to have been written in the distant future (approximately six million years from now), and I mean, who knows what the classification of a given document might be at that time? Fortunately, the fact that the document seems to be some sort of book review or possibly an academic article enables me (and, I think, most other rational readers) to conclude that it almost certainly is <i>not</i> classified (either now or in the future), and that therefore I’m not violating any official regulations (either now or in the future) by disseminating it. So here’s the document which, as usual, I offer for your review in order to help you decide whether my writing should be censored by the Government or not.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Recently, while experimenting with some time travel technology we’re developing at CIA, I received the strangest E-mail message on my computer. It appears to be some sort of discussion in the distant future of an ancient book written by, well, by <i>me!</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Rather than comment on it, I’ll share with you the full text of this odd document:</font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="3">The Dead Mall Videos </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="3">and </font></p> <p align="center"><font size="3"><i>The Covert Comic</i>:</font></p> <p align="center"><font size="3">Ancient Truths for Our Own Time </font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">The discoveries of the Dead Mall Videos and the ancient literary classic <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing) </i>have served, perhaps more than any other events in modern anthropology, to establish once and for all our true historical origins and finally lay to rest previous uninformed, unscientific speculation. For example, thanks to the Dead Mall Videos we now know beyond doubt that the earliest humans were black and white, that their mouths moved but no sound came out, and that they walked around with a rapid, jerky motion and wore extremely funny-looking hats. Later records show our ancestors to have evolved into full-color organisms who could make sounds, but who for some reason insisted on taking all their clothes off and getting into the shower every time a monster was in their apartment. Following this period humans appear to have finally developed into the many-dimensional, multiform beings we are today, though why they initially insisted on referring to this modern form of existence as ‘virtual reality’ is not completely understood. Perhaps they thought of themselves as being somehow not quite fully real.</font></p> <p><font size="3">In any case, it all serves to remind us of the great value of historical record keeping, and also just how severe the consequences of failing to preserve and correctly interpret our past can be. After all, who can forget the famous Sitcom Hoax? And what about the now discredited ‘News Theory’? For readers who are unfamiliar with it, the News Theory claimed that so-called ‘TV news’, ‘documentaries’, and ‘investigative journalism’ were serious attempts to objectively report facts, rather than the obviously neurotic forms of low humor we now know them to have been. One’s lightgills shudder at the thought that, as recently as a mere six million years ago, most respectable historians and anthropologists actually believed the News Theory. Indeed, this clearly flawed theory might even have survived to the present time if it hadn’t been for the fortuitous discovery of the cryogenically preserved book <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing) </i>written by the ancient comic philosopher John Alejandro King, which set the historical record straight.</font></p> <p><font size="3">As the great old sage himself brilliantly observes in <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i>, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Surely if a primitive form of life like this ancient bipedal joke teller can recognize such a truth in his own time, we can do the same today. Therefore, let us not fail to leave a faithful record of life in our own era so that future generations will know how we lived, what we thought, and how zangingly we frushed. And let us continue perfecting ways to make our boobs and penises ever larger and more numerous, just as Saint John Alejandro King has exhorted us to do in <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i>. After all, we wouldn’t want the Bogey Man to get us, would we?</font></p> <p><font size="3">Now, really, is this the kind of writing that Government officials should have some sort of ‘problem’ with? Of course not! In the first place, there’s no solid evidence that any of the events described in the above document are certain to happen (six million years <i>is</i> a long time, after all, and the course of future history could undergo any number of unforeseen changes between now and then).</font></p> <p><font size="3">By the way, I’m <i>not</i> claiming that the CIA actually has time travel technology yet.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Come on, folks! Let’s be realistic here! There’s <i>no legitimate reason</i> why my writing shouldn’t be approved for publication. In fact, I have it on <i>very</i> good authority that in the future my writing not only won’t be censored by the Government, it will actually be taught to all new CIA officers entering on duty in the Agency’s Employee Medical and Psychological Branch. And it won’t take six million years for this to happen, either!</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">The following are several advertisements for my book <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing). </i>I’ve created similar advertisements for my other books as well. I produced these advertisements on my home computer recently and, if and when the Government refrains from trying to prevent publication of my writings, I intend to place these ads in newspapers, magazines, on the internet, and also on bulletin boards of as many bookstores as possible. I include these advertisements in my letter because: A) I think they can give readers of this letter a better idea of what my books are all about and why there’s no legitimate cause for the Government to try to stop me from publishing them. B) I frankly hope to generate as much publicity for my books as possible. In particular, I’m hoping that people who read this letter in your newspaper will help the cause of freedom by making copies of these advertisements and distributing them as widely as possible. C) I would also like to get the opinion of members of the advertising staff of your fine newspaper as to what, if any, changes I should make in these advertisements so that they can be even better than they are now. Perhaps there’s room for a few small improvements in these ads of mine, in which case I’ll be extremely grateful for any input your advertising people might care to offer me in this regard.</font></p> <p><font size="3">The advertisements appear below.</font></p> <p><font size="3">This first advertisement is fairly straightforward.</font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA CIA</b></font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><font size="6"><b><i>America’s Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer!</i></b></font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><img src="../ccframe.gif" width="289" height="203"></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><font size="6"><b><i>THE COVERT COMIC!</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Read the document the </b><b><i>Washington Post</i></b><b> will probably call "A masterpiece. The most exciting expose in decades."</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>The document is called </b><b><i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i></b><b>, and it’s a zany, laugh-filled transcript of a recent CIA intelligence briefing about many important topics including covert intelligence, cosmology, who really killed JFK, and everyone’s favorite parts of the human body (yes, </b><b><i>those</i></b><b> parts). </b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>By the way, a portion of the profits go to Amnesty International and local food banks.</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>"An extremely readable and enlightening document."</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b><i>- A noted CIA Officer</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Price: Only $6.00</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>To order, make check or US postal money order payable to </b><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><b>, and send to: </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><b> </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>2831 Gallows Rd. #248 </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>Falls Church VA 22042</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="6"><b><i>The Covert Comic. Read him while you still can!</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">Incidentally, I really do intend to donate a portion of the profits from the sale of my books to Amnesty International and local food banks.</font></p> <p><font size="3">This next advertisement seeks to grab the attention of the reader by means of a sensational (yet in a very real sense true) statement. </font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><b>I Killed JFK</b></font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><b><img src="../ccframe.gif" width="290" height="203"> </b></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>...possibly. Therefore, shouldn’t you read this CIA officer’s controversial intelligence briefing whose publication the US Government nearly tried to suppress? It’s called </b><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><em><b> (1/98 Briefing)</b></em><b>, and it’s deep, funny, and full of information about covert intelligence, cosmology, near death experiences, and everyone’s favorite parts of the human body (yes, </b><b><i>those</i></b><b> parts).</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>By the way, a portion of the profits go to Amnesty International and local food banks.</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>"An extremely readable and enlightening document."</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b><i>- A noted CIA Officer</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Price: Only $6.00</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>To order, make check or US postal money order payable to </b><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><b>, and send to: </b></font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><b> </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>2831 Gallows Rd. #248 </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>Falls Church VA 22042</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="6"><b><i>The Covert Comic. Read him while you still can!</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">The following advertisement is, in some ways at least, the best of all of them in my opinion.</font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><b>Win a Trip to the CIA!</b></font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><img src="Heads.gif" width="405" height="286"></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><b>Enter The Covert Comic Sweepstakes!</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Win a visit to a CIA building!</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>You’ll be escorted by the world famous CIA officer and comedian, The Covert Comic. Not only that, following your visit you’ll be permitted to leave and return to your home!</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>Even if you don’t win, enter now and your name will automatically be put on The Good List for when the Revolution happens!</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="6"><b>How to enter </b><b><u>The Covert Comic Sweepstakes</u></b><b>:</b></font><font size="5"><b> </b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Buy a copy of the legendary intelligence briefing </b><b><i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing)</i></b><b>, or any other Covert Comic product. You’ll be notified by mail if you win.</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b>By the way, a portion of the profits go to Amnesty International and local food banks!</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>"An extremely readable and enlightening document!"</b></font></p> <p><font size="4"><b><i>- A note CIA Officer</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>Price: An unbelievably low $6.00!</b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="4"><b>To order, make check or US postal money order payable to </b><b><i>The Covert Comic</i></b><b>, and send to: </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b><i><u>The Covert Contest</u></i></b><b> </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>2831 Gallows Rd. #248 </b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="5"><b>Falls Church VA 22042</b></font></p> <p align="center"> </p> <p><font size="1">Note: Winner(s) subject to background investigation and search. Cost of travel to and from CIA building, lodging, food, and all other expenses, are the responsibility of the contestant. Another prize may be substituted in the event the sweepstakes winner is deemed ineligible for a trip to a CIA building. Winner(s) selected at random. Other exceptions and limitations may apply. Have a pleasant day, and God bless you. </font></p> <p> </p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><b><i>The Covert Comic Sweepstakes! </i></b></font></p> <p align="center"><font size="7"><b><i>Enter while you still can!</i></b></font></p> <p><font size="3">Whether I could actually get the contest winner into, say, CIA Headquarters, I don’t know, although I believe that if I did the paperwork in just the right way this would be feasible. Unless the Government refrains from trying to suppress my writings, however, the Covert Comic Sweepstakes offer is unfortunately null and void.</font></p> <p><font size="3"><b>An important note relating to my advertisements:</b> If anyone wishes to purchase <i>The Covert Comic</i><em> (1/98 Briefing) </em>or any of my other books prior to that book (or books) being officially approved for publication, <i>don’t wait</i>. Just send me the appropriate amount of money in the form of a check or US postal money order, and when it becomes obvious that the Government isn’t trying to stop my writings from being published (which I predict will happen shortly after your check or money order clears at my bank), I’ll immediately send your book(s) to you.</font></p> <p><font size="3"><b>One other important note relating to my advertisements:</b> The price of <i>The Covert Comic (1/98 Briefing) </i>is $6.00. The price of <i>My Resume or Everything I Know about the CIA and Elvis</i> is $7.00. The price of <i>The Penis</i> (a work I’ll describe at greater length in a few moments) is $4.00 (<i>The Penis</i> isn’t as long as my other works, though as we all know, it isn’t how long a book is, it’s how well the book is written). Please remember to make your check or money order payable to <b>The Covert Comic</b>. Prices are subject to change without notice. Thank you.</font></p> <p><font size="3">This topic reminds me of a thought I had the other day: I, John Alejandro King (a.k.a. The Covert Comic), <i>need an agent</i>. I’m not talking here about an intelligence agent (although if anyone wishes to contact me with information vital to our National Security, I’m quite willing to speak with them). No, I’m referring to a person or persons who can assist me in getting my writings published and promoted, negotiate movie rights, arrange for me to give intelligence briefings, etc. I’m happy to pay ten or even fifteen percent to an agent who will help get my work out to the public in such a way that my family and I attain a reasonable level of prosperity. Interested persons can get in touch with me at the above mailing address or contact me at this web site. To the extent it’s applicable, I would also like to have a corporate sponsor.</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">Someone once speculated that the universe might be a piece of dust on the button of a policeman’s jacket. While this may or may not actually be true, for sure we can agree that the dust on the button of his jacket is a piece of the universe on that policeman. What does all this have to do with censorship and the CIA? Not a lot, admittedly. But what if the policeman works with the FBI? Specifically, what if the policeman shows up at the scene of a crime which the FBI is investigating, the piece of dust on the button of his jacket happens to fall to the ground, and FBI forensics experts find it and conclude that the crime was committed by someone who spends a lot of time around universes?</font></p> <p><font size="3">Consider the following nightmare scenario: FBI investigators, discovering the universe near a crime scene, conclude that a person who regularly handles, produces, and/or disposes of universes was responsible for the crime in question. How long, I ask you, would it take before the FBI identifies <i>God</i> as the focus of their investigation? After all, though many of us come in contact with universes on a fairly constant basis, only a very small number of people actually <i>make</i> them. So now we have the Federal Bureau of Investigation, America’s premier law enforcement agency, pursuing a well-intentioned but hopelessly misdirected investigation against arguably the most admired person in America today. Can there possibly be a winner in this scenario?</font></p> <p><font size="3">All this constitutes, in my opinion at least, a strong argument in favor of caution when it comes to the use of microscopic items (such as the universe) as evidence in criminal cases. Thank you.</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">As I’m sure the people at your fine publication are well aware, no CIA employee can address a public forum without being asked about what are commonly referred to as ‘conspiracy theories’. I’m speaking here of everything from claims that our Government is hiding information about captured aliens, to suspicions of possible CIA involvement in the Kennedy assassination, to those persons who insist that our Government is undertaking a secret program to covertly and without their consent increase the average bust size of the women of America. Nearly all such claims, of course, are totally absurd. While some might conclude that I’m getting a little far afield in bringing up such a topic in this letter, I consider it my responsibility as a Government official to take every opportunity to assure the American people in this regard. Having for some reason been assigned a number of projects having to do with unusual topics of this kind during the course of my career at the Agency, I speak from a position of extensive knowledge and experience in telling everybody that the overwhelming majority of these conspiracy theories can be dismissed outright. As the old joke around Washington DC goes, "There are no Government cover-ups. However, the Government doesn’t want you to know this." Seriously, though, with <i>very</i> few exceptions there’s absolutely nothing to these conspiracy theories at all. </font></p> <p><font size="3">I feel I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t bring up one mystery that has been vexing me for quite a long time now, and which I believe needs to be addressed. (The whole topic is unclassified and, I’m genuinely sorry to say, not paid nearly enough attention by our Government, so as a result there’s no reason I can’t discuss it in public). Here’s the mystery: <i>Where are the dead birds?</i> As a CIA officer I’ve asked this question frequently, and am still asking it.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Now, I don’t pretend to know just how many birds there are in the world. And I think as you read my letter and reflect on this issue you’ll see that the whole point is that ornithologists (i.e., people who study birds) <i>don’t know either</i>.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Have you ever stopped to notice, perhaps while strolling through the park or hiking in the woods, that there just aren’t any dead birds anywhere (I’m referring here to birds that have died natural deaths)? I <i>have</i> noticed this, and the situation has inspired me to do some research (at no expense to taxpayers, by the way), which research has yielded the following very curious facts.</font></p> <p><font size="3">First, given that conventional ornithology (i.e., bird science) estimates a total population of <i>tens of billions</i> of birds worldwide, and given that the normal <i>claimed</i> life span of an average bird is a few years only, the number of dead birds we see <i>should be</i> much higher than it actually is. Indeed, if the claims and assumptions of ornithology are correct, we should on a daily basis be (not too figuratively speaking) up to our necks in dead birds! Needless to say, of course, we aren’t. On the contrary, go out into the wilderness sometime (where the great majority of birds make their habitat), and if you look carefully you won’t fail to note that <i>there simply are no dead birds to be found.</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Once again, when I speak of there being no dead birds anywhere, I’m referring to bird deaths from natural factors (old age, etc.). Hence I’m <i>not</i> counting bird deaths brought on by the deliberate poisoning of birds (primarily pigeons, crows, and members of other bird species that make themselves a nuisance to humans). Nor am I referring to birds who pass away as a result of contact with automobiles, industrial waste, or hunters (and yes, there is the occasional instance of <i>ornicide</i>, that is, the killing of one bird by another; and we obviously mustn’t forget cats). Rather, I’m speaking of the fact that, aside from these extraneous sorts of events, <i>birds just don’t seem to die from natural causes</i>. </font></p> <p><font size="3">When I was seven years old I found a dead bird once, the cause of whose death I was unable to determine. It was lying under a tree at which I had been hurling rocks the previous afternoon, but I <i>strongly</i> doubt that I killed it (at that time I lacked sufficient marksmanship and arm strength to have struck a bird fatally with a stone). Except for this one <i>possible</i> counterexample, the fact is that over an entire lifetime, many hours of which have been spent searching for them, I have yet to encounter a naturally deceased bird.</font></p> <p><font size="3">I’ve spoken with (and in several cases sent official memoranda for the record to) many people at CIA about this subject, including intelligence analysts, case officers, and high-ranking officials at the Directorate level. What’s more, not one of these officials disputes my claim that the issue of the missing dead birds is as important to our National Security as it is genuinely intriguing to the mind.</font></p> <p><font size="3">In response to my frequent musing on this question, my beautiful wife (a licensed schoolteacher) has suggested various possible explanations to me over the years for why I can never find naturally deceased birds anywhere: rapid decomposition of bird corpses, the dead birds being carried away by animals, etc. Unfortunately none of my beautiful wife’s explanations of this phenomena have proven, upon careful testing, to explain what’s going on. (I should probably mention at this point that my beautiful wife is from the former Soviet Union. And yes, socialism notwithstanding, according to my intelligence sources the same general absence of bird corpses has existed throughout the history of that large and troubled region, right up to this very day. This despite the fact that there have always been, and continue to be, many birds within the territory of the former Soviet Union.)</font></p> <p><font size="3">In the interest of maintaining an open mind on the issue, I’ve even pursued some of my beautiful wife’s more improbable hypotheses. For example, I remember the time she told me "Perhaps birds go off to die somewhere in private, like cats do, my darlink." (I’ve written "darlink" here to convey to the reader a sense of my beautiful wife’s slight, though very attractive, Russian accent.) "But where, exactly, do they go, my lovely Slavic firefly?" I asked. My beautiful wife answered that, since birds spend much of their lives in trees, maybe they preferred to die in trees too. When I expressed skepticism toward this theory and began offering numerous reasons why such a thing is highly unlikely, my beautiful wife suggested that I go climb several trees and find out. Well, needless to say, after examining hundreds of treetops I can assure you that birds do <i>not</i> (at least in this country and Mexico) ‘go off to die’ in trees. And so, after all the various explanations using the accepted thinking of conventional science have been examined and rejected, we’re left with the same troubling question: <i>Where are the dead birds?</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">At this point I’d like to offer a possible answer to the above question, one which, if true, will require radical changes in our assumptions about birds as well as the way we view our own place in the cosmos. After many years of careful research and sober reflection I’ve come to the remarkable and highly counterintuitive conclusion that <i>birds are immortal</i>. In other words, unless they’re actually killed (by predators, pollution, contact with automobiles, etc.) <b><i>birds don’t die</i></b><i>.</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Obviously such a claim is bound to generate resistance in certain quarters of the scientific (and yes, the intelligence) community; and I myself will be the first to admit that the thought of a bird living forever is a little hard to swallow (no pun intended). Accordingly (not because I’m afraid to stand by my hypothesis, but because in the interest of science I wish to remain flexible) I readily concede that it’s possible birds aren’t <i>strictly</i> immortal (that is, live <i>forever</i>). Instead, it may be that birds have an extremely long, though finite, life span (say, nine million years).</font></p> <p><font size="3">If my thesis is true (and I fully recognize that additional research is needed to thoroughly test it), the implications are many and profound. First, it seems to me that if birds are immortal or nearly immortal, then <i>there probably aren’t as many birds as we think</i>. In fact, given an average bird life span of as little as several hundred thousand years, basic arithmetic suggests that there are no more than a few hundred birds worldwide. Just think of all the great moments in history which these venerable birds have witnessed!</font></p> <p><font size="3">Another significant implication of my theory: <i>Birds are probably stronger and a lot more mobile than we originally believed</i>. I mean, if there are only, say, twenty-two members of a given bird species, and if people in New Jersey and Ouagadougou see a large flock of that same species of bird on the same day (which I believe has happened), then this clearly suggests that birds are able to fly incredible distances at an almost unimaginable velocity, which in turn means that birds have truly amazing stamina.</font></p> <p><font size="3">A study of the genetics of birds may reveal that their great longevity and strength is the result of some special gene or combination of genes in bird DNA, <i>the replication of which may be possible in humans</i>. If so, then the implications for our National Security (and indeed, for the entire human species) are gigantic. In fact, if my thesis is in any way correct, it necessarily follows that <i>if we are to secure our species’ survival, we must become like birds.</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Obviously the idea of using genetic engineering to create ‘bird people’ raises profound ethical questions and will no doubt provoke spirited debate among scientists, theologians, and academics, to name just a few. As an official of America’s Intelligence Community I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to make any comment in this forum regarding how I personally think such a debate should be decided. After all, the Government must in the end receive its marching orders on this and all other important issues from an informed public.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Man has always looked with admiration at birds. In the past this admiration was due to man’s desire to fly. Now, a desire to <i>soar above time</i> (if you will) may soon become the reason man looks to the birds with a sense of wonder and longing. Incidentally, regarding the CIA and the dead bird question, I can truthfully report that I have never seen a dead bird at CIA Headquarters, though I have seen several live ones.</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">3. <i>The Penis</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">Finally, I’d like to mention a book (rather short in length) which I recently wrote, the publication of which the Government has still not formally approved. This book is called <i>The Penis</i>. In my humble opinion this book (if it’s ever published) is not only destined to be hailed as philosophically brilliant, it’s certain to be recognized as a great literary innovation as well. Specifically, I believe that this book of mine, <i>The Penis</i>, constitutes nothing less than the first true instance of <i>sampled literature</i>. What do I mean by the term <i>sampled literature</i>? Well, as you probably are aware, many Rap, Hip-Hop, and artists from other musical genres routinely ‘sample’ (that is, record) excerpts of existing, already published music which they then use in their own songs. This practice, controversial in the opinion of some, has nevertheless resulted in a whole new dimension of musical expression. What I, John Alejandro King, have done is apply this concept of sampling to <i>the literary world</i>.</font></p> <p><font size="3">You see, what I did was ‘sample’ a well-known story written by an intelligence officer (who I’ll refer to here as Nick G.). The story is about a foreign government official who wakes up one morning and discovers that his nose is missing, and all the fascinating events and insights that result from his efforts to become reunited with it. Using commercially available data processing technology, I inserted the word <i>penis</i> in place of the word <i>nose</i> everywhere in this fine work. As a consequence of this and a few additional minor alterations (for the purpose of continuity I changed the leading character from a foreign government official to a CIA division chief) a great <i>new </i>book was born, one which offers many profound observations regarding the true meaning of existence.</font></p> <p><font size="3">Now, if Nick G. was eventually able to get his story about noses past the government censors and into literary history (and Nick G., I should mention, was writing in a country which traditionally has been considered anything but a ‘bastion of freedom’), then doesn’t it seem just a little incongruous that a citizen of the United States of America can’t get US Government approval to publish a similar, totally unclassified (and, I might add, <i>very patriotic</i>) story about penises?</font></p> <p><font size="3">By the way, I’m just now putting the last touches on another book about penises which I assume the Government will also want to censor; the name of this book is <i>Diary of a Penis</i>, and I expect to submit it for Government review soon. It’s about a CIA officer who realizes one day, while strolling along a dark corridor at CIA Headquarters, that he’s a penis and that his life’s mission is to <i>fertilize people’s souls</i> by writing and publishing books full of love and truth. And yes, I suppose one could claim that this document of mine is semiautobiographical. This excellent book, <i>Diary of a Penis</i>, is almost finished (it of course contains no classified information of any kind). Without bragging I’d like to say that with God’s help I’ve managed to make this a powerful and penetrating document, a book which fills the reader with one bold stroke of creative insight after another. So probably the powers that be at CIA won’t want anybody to read it. </font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">Did you know that CIA officials are aware of what happens when we die? It’s an absolute fact. Yes, many a CIA officer, in the process of collecting intelligence, has actually ventured into that dark passage and followed it straight to The Light. As for what these officers saw, well, believe me when I tell you that there’s really no way to fully describe it using human language. One thing I <i>can</i> confirm, however: It’s definitely not a secret. Additional details regarding this fascinating and important topic can be found in my books. </font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">So now that you’ve read descriptions and selections of my writing, tell me point blank: Do you think my, John Alejandro King’s, books should <i>really</i> be censored by the Government? Or do you tend to agree with my insistent claim that these writings are not only completely harmless, their publication offers potential benefit to many people who are currently seeking a direction in life, and therefore to prevent these books from being disseminated constitutes nothing less than <i>a crime against humanity?</i></font></p> <p><font size="3">As a taxpayer and loyal American citizen I hereby call for an independent Congressional inquiry for the purpose of ascertaining whether there’s any good reason for the Government to censor my writing. Additionally, there’s the work that ordinary Americans can do to stop this unjust, totally pointless censorship from happening. Call your Congressmen and Congresswomen and demand that the writings of John Alejandro King not be suppressed. Write to leading newspapers (such as the <i>Washington Post</i>) about this situation. Make copies of my advertisements for <i>The Covert Comic</i> <em>(1/98 Briefing) </em>and disseminate these advertisements widely (but only in places where it’s legal and appropriate to do so, of course). Most importantly, <i>order my books</i> (I personally think you should order dozens of my books right away). Mail your order to the address I mentioned in my advertisements, and remember to make your check or US postal money order payable to <b>The Covert Comic.</b></font></p> <p><font size="3">In any event, in the words of The Covert Comic himself:</font></p> <p><font size="6"><b><i>The Covert Comic. Read him while you still can!</i></b></font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">Yours for love and truth,</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3">John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, loyal CIA employee, concerned citizen, and writer with integrity</font></p> <p> </p> <p><font size="3"><i>Postscript:</i> In the interest of brevity I’ve omitted any discussion of the profound and highly stimulating parallels that exist between near death experiences (‘NDE’s’) and the process that occurs when a fertile penis has loving intercourse with a fertile vagina. This subject is probed deeply and at great length in my book <i>Diary of a Penis</i> (which I briefly discussed above). Please be sure, when writing letters, faxes, telegrams, e-mail messages, and other communications aimed at prodding the Government to refrain from suppressing my writing, that you mention this excellent book, <i>Diary of a Penis</i>, along with the others. One last item in this connection: A copy of <i>Diary of a Penis</i> costs $6.00.</font></p> <p> </p> <p><a href="bookings.htm"><font size="5"><strong><u>NEXT</u></strong></font></a></p> <p><a href="free.htm"><font size="5"><strong><u>BACK</u></strong></font></a></p> <p><a href="Default.htm"><font size="5"><strong><u>Back to The Covert Comic Home Page</u></strong></font></a></p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Copyright 1998. All rights reserved.</strong></p> </body> </html>